#im not setting any deadlines for myself because this is my first time ever making a game so i have no idea how long the rest of it will tak

[k0nstanta]

some wip game stuff, because i've been working on it almost every day for over a month and it's killing me a little to not talk about it

[superaznchick]

i had a whole rant typed out like 2 days ago that i made while emotional but it will rot in my drafts forever now because i have now spent the required amount of time in the timeout corner and properly digested my emotions to come back and make a fresh new post

idk what corporate girly out there slaving in front of a laptop needs to hear this AGAIN, because i certainly have heard this before but subconsciously dismissed it because Surely That Won't Happen To I, but it DID so i am now yelling at you from the other side

DONT FUCKING TRUST YOUR MANAGER!!!!!!!!! the nuance here is that YES they can be nice, and they can 100% be the best person ever, and they might not even consciously manipulate you. but you are never safe from subconscious manipulation or just straight up incompetence.

if your manager does their job well, it means you are manipulated. BUT if they do their job BAD, you STILL get manipulated!! this is because even if they are incompetent, you will always end up bridging the gap for their incompetence and it will weigh you down and you will NEVER get credit for your work. in fact, you are in danger on both ends of the spectrum - if you manager is good, they'll take credit for your work. if your manager is bad, they'll STILL take credit for your work AND make you suffer for it because they won't even have the skills at least get you the reward you deserve.

ive spent the last 3 years under my do-nothing manager always giving him the benefit of the doubt, "oh he's just a silly lil guy this is his first management job he doesnt know what hes doing" type shit, and i have nothing but stress and resentment to show for it.

i have LITERALLY been DOING HIS JOB FOR HIM. i revamped our meetings, i put sprint processes in place, i drew our team scope/borders and weighed in on who should staff projects. and on TOP of that i did tech lead and regular ic work. i was doing both my job and at least 50% of his because im not a fucking manager and theres only so much i can do.

but all this time my actual skill set as an engineer is deteriorating because ive been begging for mentorshop/coaching since day one i joined the team, which is 100% the manager's job to coach and level up their engineers, but these needs were completely ignored in favor of me trying to get this dumb fucking team together because my manager literally does nothing. he doesn't do his fucking job, and he gets away with it because he has high soft skill!!!! his boss likes him!!! so he will not be punished!!!!!!

i on the other hand am severely punished because i have revealed my hand as a do-all "superstar", im the one that gets 3 projects with the same deadline that i have to do all by myself, im the one thats expected to do all my work and more AND i am the one that takes the brunt of flack when external teams are ultimately disappointed that the deadlines are not met. i get no protection from any of this shit because my manager is fucking incompetent and refuses to step up. whether he consciously or subconsciously does this DOES NOT MATTER!!!! you will ALWAYS eat it at the bottom line!!!

treat your manager like your enemy, never trust them. size them up in your first few 1:1s to see how much they can do for you in terms of your career. if they are NOT delivering results within the first 2-3 months, CLOCK OUT!!!!!! decenter work from your life, shut the laptop at 5pm sharp, put in your bare minimum to not get canned and turn your brain off from all work problems. sometimes the corporate grind is worth it but ONLY if you have someone competent managing you and they are smart enough to recognize that engineers under them need reward and respect to be retained. if they won't or can't retain you, just let it happen!!!! dont overextend yourself it's never worth it

obv im yelling this from my jail cell as a software engineer so idk how much of this is applicable to other fields, but that's my two cents. i have spent way too much time being upset and angry these last few weeks to not vent about it. if this applies to you, pls save yourself the heartache and learn the skill of decentering work for when it comes in handy. im not advocating for indiscriminate quiet quitting bc that can actually be harmful to your financials, but the art of quiet quitting should still be mastered for when the appropriate time arises. use your discretion

[hannahlovesluca]

So i heard about u doing nijisanji matchups so why not :DD

Nijisanji male matchup pretty plz w cherry on top

Gender:Gender is nothing but a social conCepttTttt(jk cis female but there were times ppl mistook me as a guy once LMAO)

Pronouns:I don't have any in particular,i don't mind any of them as long as its not they/them

Sexuality:....i..don't know actually.Like.Women.But Men.But women.i'll just say bisexual..

Zodiac:Aquarius

Appearance:Shoulder length black hair,i'm kiiinda tall?Im taller than most of my friends.Black fox-like(i think thats what they call them??) Eyes,and i wear literally anything.Like imagine someone in a black turtleneck and some random ass floral button up shirt with the most obnoxious pants ever(for clarification this isnt my attempt at getting in r/builtdifferentfromothergirls i just get cold easily).Oh and im as blind as a bat without my glasses,i only put them on when i wanna put myself in the attractiveness scale for shits and giggles sometimes i wear random jackets i find in my room like that one hot pink jacket i covered in the bee movie stickers for some reason

Mbti:Entp

Idk my ennagram sorry :((

Personality:im pretty laid-back but based on sources(aka my mutuals) i am the embodiment of a living cockroach because of me almost dying like 5 times(vibe checked by god 5 times and he did NOT approve of me...like mf be frfr) i procastinate until like a day before the deadline cause i only work with pressure cause my brains just built like that(rushing calculus my beloved) I LOVE MATHS SO MUCH U CANT IMAGINE(and the cries of my discord besties cause the moment they go back on vc they see the discord whiteboard filled with god knows what) and im preeeeetty confident in myself unless someone genuinely compliments me,if that happens im just gonna disintegrate into dust

Likes:that one meme where the green guy from avengers goes "why is galora",yugioh,jumping into my friends random vc comedically 4 shits and giggles,resident evil,taking care of everyone(and not taking care of myself cause im a self aware hypocrite),DEBATES I LOVE THEM SM THEY GIVE ME SO MUCH ADRENALINE

Dislikes:when someone gets into my persona space toooooo much.oh and the fact that u can divide 91 by 7.literally unreal.and thunder??dunno it sets uncomfy in me i probably offended zeus in my past life or smth

Love language:

I dont know what that is....i mean like,id send whoever i get random memes i found at 3 am,shower thoughts??and hugs??and cuddles??and giving them reassuring words??does that count?

Extra:im bilingual(swedish,russian,korean,german) so i can make ppl say what seems like romantic words when its a deez nuts joke this is a flex btw.i pace around tasks pretty fast,sometimes im too lazy to get up sometimes i go around doing literally everything at once

Im sorry if this is confusing to u this is my first time doing this :((

i pair you with…

Ver Vermillion!

hear me out…

• you guys will absolutely nerd out over yugioh and will probably end up playfully arguing and malding over the other (i dont know much ab yugioh im sorry 💔💔)

• if you let him nerd out to you and rant to you about the most random things he will immediately fall in love

•likewise if you nerd out/rant to him he will fall in love bc the fact that you confide in him???

• similar to shu yaminerd, he is a huge nerd but hes better at hiding it

• call him a dork. he says he hates it but he loves it.

• YOU GUYS WILL HAVE MEME BATTLES.

• youll sit in discord vc, no sound except the little giggles erupting out while you read each others memes and random messages that you just keep on sending

• will randomly whip out the “why is galora” meme to make you laugh out loud in vc with others, on stream, etc even in public

• god, he loves your hair

• your cuddles up in his arms, half-asleep, and hes running his hands thru your hair AHHH

• will also send you hot-takes out of nowhere so you guys can debate on it solely because he knows how much you love it

• “banana pizza is good.”

• “soggy socks feel nice.”

• will also throw you random compliments because he knows its the only thing that will get you

• “are you a hot mom because damn mama you hot.”

• will assist you in sending deez nuts jokes to your friends in korean

• “내 불알을 빨아.”

RUNNERS UP: Shu Yamino, Doppio Dropscythe

[in-a-slanted-outhouse]

.

[hamburgerhelpersotherhand]

Infatuation P6

Joe Goldberg x Reader x Love Quinn

Warnings: Mentions of Death.

Notes: I have about 3 alternate versions of this but you can guess only one made it to the cut. Sorry everything is taking so long! I’ve been focused on my classes and it’s a lot of work. Without access to the studios, our projects are reliant on our at-home materials but I literally have none!!! Funny how life sucks like that.

It’s now 7 pm.

We’re sitting in the far back of a Diner that will be closing soon. I hadn’t expected us to actually go out somewhere, but that’s not a real concern.

Besides the faint jukebox music, It’s completely silent.

I’m beginning to wonder why you brought me here. This Diner. It’s in walking distance from your place, so I can’t be too surprised.

You lift a glass of water to your lips.

“So, what did you drag me out here to talk about?” I’m coming off a little annoyed, but I’m trying to be playful. Or... maybe I want to be playful. I don’t know. It’s late.

Those small hands of yours set down the glass of water, my eyes continue to linger on them while you talk.

“Um. I wanted us to talk about something, but I had expected it to be earlier.” Stop being vague, just tell me already.

You’re quiet for a solid minute, but I know you’re going to be the one to speak first.

“As you already know, I left a couple years ago.” Of course, we have to start from the top. I’m honestly just hoping you hurry this along.

“I left because of Forty, but I’m still scared. He’s— he doesn’t feel dangerous but he worries me.”

I’m beginning to think back to Forty and his mannerisms. I don’t see what you’re scared about. He’s got an air to him that couldn’t hurt a fly. Why are you bringing this up?

“I- I didn’t believe it at first but—“ you look me straight in the eye and my heart momentarily halts. “Don’t tell Love or Forty I’m telling you any of this. Please.”

Words escape me as I only nod in agreement. I’m enticed by whatever information you’re dangling above my head. Like the introduction of a story, I’m hooked.

“Well. Forty and I went on a d-date once. I thought it went w-well but... then Love told me about—“ You stop yourself again, right before you get to the good part! I’m getting frustrated, but I don’t let it consume me. Perhaps you caught something in my face, but you eventually swallow before continuing in a hushed tone. “He killed someone.”

Now that— that I was not expecting. So, that’s what Love told you... Based on what she had previously told me, I think it’s safe to say she told you this to get you away from Forty, whether it’s a sick lie or the cruel truth. Well, Love, it worked. It worked with and against you, but it worked.

“She told me when they were younger, he blacked out and, when he came to, he didn’t remember doing it.” You’ve long stopped meeting my eyes. Instead, you’re looking around the Diner and playing with your fingernails. “I was scared it would happen to me— I didn’t want to be his next victim, so I left without a word.”

“What made you come back?” I ask because I can see you beginning to slip and you need to know I’m listening. You look my way again.

“I came back because... my mom passed away. She still lived here. I have nobody left and over the years I realized we were young and I couldn’t base his whole identity around a mistake from his childhood. It was stupid of me and I desperately wanted to see Love again. I just don’t know where I stand with Forty now.” You drink some of the water you’ve been ignoring for the past 10 minutes and I lean forward in my seat.

“I’m sorry for your loss.” My voice is low. I honestly don’t know what to say in a time like this. You don’t seem all too distraught from your mother’s death. You seem good at managing yourself, once you get over your initial reactions.

“I don’t think I can ever tell Love. It’s not something I ever want to bring up with her again. But, I trust you. You know them both and I trust that you can see it the way I do.”

I have to fight a smile from crossing my lips. Maybe you’re less aware of all that’s been happening behind your back.

“If you don’t mind me asking, where did you go when you left?” I ask just out of curiosity. I take notice that the Diner is near empty, aside from the employees and ourselves.

You reply, the clearest you’ve been all night. “New York City. I lived in the upper East side of Manhattan before moving back here.”

I stiffen at your response. Your eyes are locked onto mine and I begin to doubt my last statement again. Yorkville? A shiver runs up my spine and my muscles tense. I know I suddenly have this vacant look in my eye but I can’t help it.

“That’s an expensive neighbourhood.” I fight myself to say.

“You’ve been?” You quirk a brow and I could just slap myself in the face. Did I really just give myself away?

“Before I moved here, I did a lot of research. Almost ended up moving to NYC.” I think you’re buying it, but I can’t tell. For the most part, you remain expressionless.

“Hm.” You take a sip of your water again. “Know of any good bookstores around here? I’ve been gone for so long that my old favourites have been bought out.”

“Well, there’s Anavrin. Where I work. With books.” We both crack a smile and you lightly laugh. I raise my brows and slowly nod my head to really hammer in that I wasn’t kidding. I’m relieved we’ve changed the topic. I still feel on-edge, but I’m starting to loosen up again.

“Right. I’m not looking for vegan cook books or autobiographies.” You smirk and hesitantly raise a brow. Very cute, you’re trying to be funny.

“Oh, come on! I’m sure I can get you the book you’re looking for. If it isn’t in stock, I can special order it.”

“You’d do that for me?” You tilt your head in such an innocent way. You’re beginning to remind me of a certain blond.

“Of course! So, what’re you looking for?” I ask.

“The sign of four by Arthur Conan Doyle. I’ve been reading up on mysteries for a project.”

“Oh, what’s the project for?”

“Hmm... mostly myself. I don’t have a job so I spend my hours reading and writing.”

“You can make a career out of writing.”

“But then it wouldn’t be fun anymore! The moment I have a deadline, I don’t want to work anymore.” You playfully pout and I smile.

“I take it you have money saved aside?” Im enjoying the conversation, but I can’t help but think back on what you were saying only minutes ago.

“Yeah. I saved most of my money when I lived on my own. After my mom passed away, I inherited her belongings as well. Turns out she was putting money aside for me.” By that, I can guess you’re an only child.

“I’m sorry but we’re closing.” I turn to face the waitress and smile. She cut into the conversation, but I’m not mad. It’s getting late and they need to close. We can continue this outside or... maybe at your apartment, if you’ll let me in.

“No problem. We lost track of time.” I point at the both of us and we stand. You slip your bag over your shoulder and we leave shortly after you tip the waitress.

[lov3nerdstuff]

(Tumblr is being nasty and won’t let me message you so I’m sending you this as an ask. If I’m completely honest I’ve never sent an ask before and have no idea how this works so please bear with me!)

Hello! I thought it time I finally messaged you! I’m not sure why but I get really nervous about commenting and posting on social media but I think after literal months of following Voluptas Noctis Aeternae, I have worked up to courage! (And just a warning, this will be a little long!)

I must inform you that this story has provided me with so much comfort and happiness. During lockdown I found myself reverting back to my comfort fandoms and characters, Snape being the main one really, and your story has become like a warm hug for me (as silly as that might sound). This story has helped me through a rough period of being in lockdown, moving to live on my own for the first time (to the place with the most covid cases in England no less 😭), getting covid and moving into lockdown again. I was really lonely and unhappy when I moved but each chapter really felt as I said, like a warm hug. This helped me so much, thank you!

Your version of Snape is so wonderful. I find I cannot read any other version of him. He is so sweet to Robin. He’s not nasty or overly domineering and he doesn’t take advantage of her like I have found in other interpretations I’ve read. And Robin is wonderful! I just enjoy her and Snape so much! They compliment each other so well.

I must also say I’ve never come across somebody who has stuck so seriously to their upload schedule. (bless you and thank you!!) I believe I began reading some time in August. Every other night between 8 and 9pm, I watch your page to see if you’ve posted, but then I usually don’t read the chapter until just before I go to bed which is usually the only time I can relax because I’m often busy with deadlines.

So that’s a round up of my overall feelings towards your story! Sorry if this has been overbearing! Hopefully I can start commenting on every chapter now in smaller portions. Im terribly excited for tonight’s chapter!

Happy New year!

Hey there 🥰💕✨ I'm sorry Tumblr is being weird again 🤦🏻‍♀️ I honestly don't know what's up with it sometimes! But your ask here reached me just fine, and I thank you in advance for not getting discouraged by the hurdle of technology haha 😊

Now, I absolutely understand what you're saying about the warm hug, and I absolutely love it! I'm so happy to hear that my story could provide some comfort to you during a rough time, and I sincerely hope that you are doing well again and are set up for better times 💚✨ Your year really sounds awful, but if at least my story could entertain you and bring you some joy, that really is just amazing 🥰 Also, I am very glad to hear that you like both Sev and Robin as characters, and them together as well 😁 that's honestly the most important thing about the story! Thank you so much for letting me know 💕 And oh, the upload schedule is absolutely stressing me out 😂 I spend hours every day preparing uploads and replying to each and every comment, ask and message, but it is absolutely worth it when I hear that my work is making people's lives at least a little more enjoyable 🥺💗💕 So I am very happy to upload as regularly as I can ☺️ Your evening ritual sounds lovely, I absolutely understand what you're saying about deadlines... I, too, usually read/write only at night when I am done working for the day 😅🤷🏻‍♀️

Also, don't ever worry about being overbearing! I absolutely love long messages and heartfelt comments and thoughts, and I would absolutely never be anything less than delighted when someone decides to share a piece of their mind with me 😊💗✨ so I sincerely thank YOU for reaching out! Don't worry about commenting, I am happy as long as you're happy 😄 enjoy yourself in any way that's most comfortable to you! And last but not least, have a very happy new year as well, my dear! 💚💚💚 Hugs!

[jenicon]

sorry if this isn't ok to ask, but how did you go about working for games? do you need to build a good portfolio and then freelance it? or is it a stable job at a certain company? or both? and did you learn 3d by yourself or did you go to some school? do you need to do concept art to do 3d art? i find im not very creative and get so overwhelmed but i'd love to do both, is that a sign i just shouldnt look into it? how did you choose this career path? have a good day

hey anon! It’s totally ok to ask! I’m pretty swamped with work atm so this is a refreshing change haha

How did you go about working for games? Do you need to build a good portfolio and then freelance it? I guess I got my foot in the games industry when I first got into art school. I was in a 1 year program for game art, with the program focusing mostly in 3D art. During that time, I had my first taste of making 3d art, did a bunch of game engine stuff, and even made some assets for movie quality stuff. As for the portfolio, it is extremely important to have one. Every interview I have had they would pull my portfolio up and ask me my thoughts, process, considerations, challenges, etc. for each piece. A good portfolio website to use is ArtStation. I am not sure which part of the game dev career you’d like to pursue, but this is mostly true for the art side. I cannot speak for the software engineering facet of game dev. Is it a stable job at a certain company? or both? It can be a stable job, but it most often is not. This career is notorious for not being unionized, as well as mostly contract work. Work hours can be brutal, depending on the company, time of year, etc. My time at EA was a bit of an outlier, we had amazing benefits (including dental and vision), a gym, physiologists, personal trainers, nutritionists, a VERY healthy cafeteria, extremely diverse teams, and just generally really good with work/life balance. I barely worked any overtime at EA, if I did I was paid and also got free food. If the team was doing a ‘team overtime’ to meet a deadline, our manager would get us catering lol. Also every Friday we had a buffet and drinks (including alcohol). HOWEVER, this was short lived as I was on a 1-year contract. It’s sort of an unspoken thing where everyone is fighting to get that spot for contract renewal. You get this sense of dread the months leading to your contract termination, having to look for a new job as soon as you can, or choosing to rest because of burnout.

Did you learn 3d by yourself or did you go to some school?  Like I said above, I went to school. It was hella expensive, and sometimes it feels like it wasn’t worth it. But I got the connections I needed there, and learned the ropes with much needed support. I never did 3d before I went to school for it. It was more of a ‘fuck it’ moment for me (my mental health was not the best then), and luckily I found myself loving my work. School is good if you need structure, or like you mentioned, if you feel overwhelmed by all the information out there. I think of my time at school as a first step for me. I did not learn everything I needed to know to get a job in the industry through school, but rather, I had to do my own research using the tools I was provided with by my time in school. It is a continuous learning activity; you will be learning new things until you die. Technology improves so quickly, you have to be quick on your feet and be willing to learn entire new workflows.

I find im not very creative and get so overwhelmed but i'd love to do both, is that a sign i just shouldnt look into it? That’s prefectly fine! I have not worked on an original piece in years haha. I find I’m not creative in the traditional sense where I can come up with ideas on the fly and imagine things up. I’m creative in the way I solve problems and think up ways to achieve certain effects/looks, and it bleeds into how I make tools as well. (ever see me posting 2D art? yea I barely do that bc I suck at it) You should absolutely look into it if it gives you joy. The thrill of seeing something you make move or come alive on screen is amazing.  Being overwhelmed is normal, and is completely expected. There’s so much information out there, it takes a lot of time just to sort through it, so take your time. Just be careful of being paralyzed by it into inaction; this has happened to me so many times. Just remember to take baby steps. One tip I can give you that I haven’t seen said out there: make your own documentation. I have a whole ass google doc of just everything I know about 3D art. It’s got sections for Zbrush, Maya, Unreal Engine, Marmoset Toolbag, Arnold, Python, etc. I add to it every time I learn something new. And believe me, you will learn something new almost every day. How did you choose your career path? What can I say? I just love making things pretty :) I come from a third world country, and the prospects for making art were... bad. I did not want to get stuck living a life working a job I hated, so I came to Canada to get into this career. Starting salaries vary, but to me, they were good enough and I had my eyes set on that. If tuition was X amount for me, my starting salary was close to 2X :)

I started in games, but am now working on a TV show for [redacted]. It’s been such a fun (but very stressful ride), and I hope to continue doing this for the forseeable future.

feel free to shoot me asks, I’m always happy to help a fellow dev / aspiring dev!

[kotokeke-kirishimaismybaby]

about this askgame,,, pal just answer what you feel like answering rn i wanna know all of em if im honest

hehehhe challenge accepted 

Asks for Fanfic writers 

drop a number and a fandom in my askbox and I’ll answer:

1.      things that inspire you hmmm music, other writers, projecting my own need for relationship lol

2.      things that motivate you uhhh idk I think just wanting people to enjoy their time reading fanfic, because fanfic have

3.      name three favorite writers omg I have so many… chonideno, shippeh, newamsterdam

4.      name three authors that were influential to your work and tell why I know longer have recollection of published works, what are book XD umm I’ve always loved JRR Tolkien bc of his world building, theme of friendships, and kickass imagination and dedication to his work

5.      since how long do you write? August 30th 2019 lol my first fic

6.      how did writing change you? Makes me feel like I’m good at something

7.      early influences on your writing any kiribaku fanfic

8.      what time are you most productive? Probably the evenings/ nightimes

9.      do you set yourself deadlines? I want to… kinda did once but got too stressed when didn’t meet them

10.  how do you do your researches? Mmmm google! And flipping through bnha manga lol

11.  do you listen to music when writing? Either whatever song is setting the mood for a fic or anime lo-fi beats playlists on spotify

12.  favorite place to write cuddled up in 9+ blankets in my bed

13.  hardest character to write tetsutetsu…

14.  easiest character to write Bakugou mfking Katsuki… bc self-projection probably

15.  hardest verse to write the nightmare that baku has in ‘I fall away and you don’t let me go’

16.  easiest verse to write Kirishima naming Baku in “a heroes name”

17.  favorite AU to write haven’t written any other than in the canon world

18.  favorite pairing to write kiribaku

19.  favorite fandom to write my hero academia

20.  favorite character to write bakugou

21.  least favorite character to write uhh I don’t think I’ve run into this problem yet

22.  favorite story you’ve ever written “you’re not some useless idiot in my life, got it?”

23.  least favorite story you’ve ever written “I fall away and you don’t let me go��… idk why I can’t stand that fic, it’s my most popular fic too

24.  favorite scene you’ve ever written post-sports festival spar between kiri and baku from Fated Red…. But that fic also has future scenes I’ve written that are just incredible imao

25.  favorite line you’ve ever written Kirishima gives a laugh and reaches a nervous hand to the back of his neck, “I wanted you to have a good time. Seeing everyone pissed you off already… so I thought you’d rather just go for a walk!”

Bakugou deadpans, “You thought that going up 80 floors is the best alternative for cheering me up.”

“Well you said before you liked mountain climbing, so I figured this was close enough.” >>>>> make myself laugh lol

26.  story you’re most proud of Fated Red, but mostly the unpublished parts I’m trying to bridge the gap to get to lol

27.  best review you ever got all the reviews from sweetonmylove make me cry happy

28.  worst review you ever got I’ve been blessed with such good reviews so n/a

29.  favorite story/poem of another author Heartbeat Thunder by shippeh is 10/10 my favorite

30.  hardest part of writing writing lol

31.  easiest part of writing when the characters talk for you

32.  alternate title for (insert story title) hmmm n/a I like my titles

33.  alternate ending for (insert story title) “you’re not some useless idiot in my life, got it?”--- alt ending has a kiss lol but just didn’t fit in

34.  alternate pairing for (insert story title) n/a, I basically only do kiribaku lol

35.  single story or multi-part story? Single?

36.  one-shot or multi-chaptered story? One-shots for sure… multi chaps are so freaking hard

37.  canon or AU? canon

38.  do you reread your own stories? Omg yes… and wonder how tf I did that

39.  do you want to be published some day? Hmm maybe???

40.  which one of your stories would you most like to see as a movie/series I would have loved to see “If I was Stuck on An Island, I Would Bring You” as part of the mha two heroes movies XDXD

41.  one song that captures (insert story title) I listened to Touch by Kehlani for almost all fics to keep it soft

42.  do you plan or do you write whatever comes to your mind? Plan but so much changes as I write

43.  would you ever write a sequel for (insert fic title here) I want to write a small sequel to “you’re not some useless idiot in my life, got it?”

44.  do you write linear or do you write future scenes if you feel like it? All the time future scenes and I never know how to connect them to what I’ve already written

45.  share the synopsis of a story you work on that you haven’t published yet Kaminari mentions to Bakugou at band practice to “not hurt Kirishima” and he proceeds to be petty by pointedly aggressively caring for kiri… ends in confession

46.  share a scene of a story that you haven’t published yet Ground Zero and Red Riot are an inseparable hero team since the beginning of second year at UA, where the provisional licenses extended to allowing student hero pairings on patrol. They have practiced defense and coordinated attacks, and a reassurance where they both know they are safe with the other around. Kirishima loves every minute with his boyfriend, as his partner both in love and as heroes.

It always amazes Kirishima when he’s surrounded by the flashes of Bakugou’s explosions as he moves around in his attacks. Kirishima sometimes tries to take down his villains as quickly as possible just to watch Ground Zero take down his target with his powerful explosions. They are beautiful and loud.

 But it starts slowly, the inevitable.

 Kirishima begins to come home from patrol with headaches and blaming them on fatigue and hunger. A low ringing sounds in his ears that sometimes continues even to the next day. Some days it’s hard to concentrate. And other days, Kirishima finds himself turning around in confusion with a question of “what?” before he realizes he’s missed what was said to him.

What didn’t he just hear? >>>>>> it’s a kiribaku hoh fic that I’m completely in love with and don’t wanna mess it up

 47.  how many unfinished ideas/stories are you working on at the same time? 5.. and only two are slow updates

48.  three spoilers for (insert story title) “Faded Red” – Kiri and baku gets OFA, the emotion trigger for deku when he gets kiri quirk is love…, it’s honestly self-indulgent kiribaku slice of life scenes with an undertone of them being fated together….

49.  writing advice I need some lol maybe to remind yourself that this is for you and don’t have to prove anything to others who may not like it

50.  open question to the writer question I want to answer maybe? Will I keep writing and finish fated red and fake it? Answer is yes, eventually, hopefully soon when I stop being blocked and life gets out of my way

[losereye]

1. Hard question, i think it was lore for a game I wished to make a long time ago. I mostly forgot it though.

2. Ughhhh I hate slice of life so much

3. Probably this Naruto one I've been procrastinating on.

4. Every. Single. One. I've had to rewrite major story beats like 80 billion times I'm in pain.

5. 3rd person fluctuating tense? The way I write changes a lot depending on what I'm writing. But I mostly write in 3rd person and use different tenses for different actions.

6. I think actually sitting down and starting is the hardest part for me. I'm fine with lore crafting and character creation, its just hard for me to upkeep my writing schedule because of motivation.

7. Oooooooh I'm going to fucking curbstomp my MHA student. They're incredibly difficult and easy to write at the same time, and they're so happy it hurts.

8. Probably my MHA vigilante? She's cute and just wants to rescue and help people. A lot of her coworkers like her and she actively avoids fighting people so I think its endearing.

9. I drink a soda and act like i have a deadline, that or get one of my friends to ask a shitton of questions at me.

10. Almost never

11. I'm planning on having one, but haven't started it yet.

12. No actually, most of my original characters are based off of assets of myself.

13. I am a trans woman, no further explanation needed.

14. Mostly using adjectives and pacing. If I want some crazy action scene. I go like

Boom. "What the hell?" Throwing herself away from the noise, protagonist looks towards where ut came from. Boom. This time the explosion was closer.

Its effective imo

15. Sigh, the end of my current part 1

16. Not really? They've all remained kind of consistent. I'm planning on unpublising my current Naruto work and reworking it though so maybe soon.

17. I think an rp server I joined out of curiosity set my writing off. But honestly the stupid little texting stories on youtube started it.

18. I'm very tired. I have no reason to be. I just got this really comfy chair and put it in my room, it's nice and it has this pretty red color. I'm answering this instead of getting up to work on my projects, and I've been procrastinating them very bad.

19. This is a very edgy answer, but probably my mha villain oc? I based her off of the negative feelings I feel constantly, so writing her is both easy and relateable to me.

20. Honestly, my first naruto one. Having a sharingan would be very useful I think, especially with my bad eyes.

21. I don't follow any writing rules specifically, I'm a very home grown writer.

22. Planning on it :)

23. Honestly maybe something based on Neir: Automata, I love the game to death and want to honor it somehow.

24. RAGGHHHHH I LOVE HER. SHE'S SO SWEET AND EXCESSIVELY GOOD. WHY ARE HER PARENTS AWFUL SHE DOES NOTHING WRONG EVER SHE'S THE NICEST PERSON RAAAAGHHHH.

25. Im going to eat a brick

Writer's Ask Game

There are a couple weird and unrelated questions in there.

What was the first thing you ever wrote for yourself? Not for a school assignment but for your own enjoyment.

That one genre you always try to avoid writing about and why?

The WIP you are most attached to.

How many times have you been thrown off plot for a particular WIP?

How would you describe your writing style? Does your writing style change for different WIPs? If yes describe all or maybe just a few.

Which part of writing annoys you the most?

Which OC do you want to punch in the face?

Which OC do you think you will enjoy enacting and why?

How do you get rid of writers block? (I wanna know your secret method)

How often do you stick to your original plot?

Tell me about that spinoff you had for your WIP.

Do you have any characters based off people you know?

Unrelated but what are your opinions on J.K.Rowling?

How do you set the mood for the story?

Is there any scene you were/ are scared of writing? Why?

Have you ever made any major changes to any of you OCs? Which and why?

What/Who influenced you to start writing and why do you write?

Babble. Just talk about anything or everything. How's life going?

Which OC do you relate to the most?

Which OC do you wish you were? Why?

Have you thrown any writing rules that everybody follows out of the window?

Any OC that you killed cold heartedly without a second thought?

Tell me about your newest WIP idea. Even if you haven't written it down. Even if it will die in a matter of days.

Talk about the adorable cinnamon roll OC.

There is no 25th question. Let the person who asks decide what it should be.

[pappycat89]

So, talking about early life and some of the things that im pretty sure fucked me up for adult life. under a cut cos boy will it be long and poorly written *finger guns*

i was gonna do this as like a timeline of things that happened, with explanations and shit, but instead im just gonna do a highlight reel, cos why not

My brother and i used to share a room for years, including when my younger brother and sister were born, grew up, and then got their own rooms while luke and i had to share a room into our teens. we fought, a lot, because we were kids and also stupid

when we were sharing a room it would become a huge mess, mostly because we were preteens and why would we put away the toys we were always playing with? anyways, our stepdad would often give us an hour to clean our rooms, which would have been plenty of time if we didnt get distracted by out toys, as kids do. if we didnt get it cleaned in time (which we pretty much never did) we would get flogged. not like a gentle smack to enforce we’d done something wrong (like how you might smack a friends arm when they say something wrong or offensive) but full on belting, often with some kind of tool. he broke a couple duster over our backsides. we would sob for ages afterwards, and often rush around or hide when we heard him coming because we were afraid

i was afraid of him physically hurting me even after i was an adult. i think i was 20 before i had had enough and decided if he ever touched me again i’d fight back. when i was 16 i wanted my eyebrow pierced. he told me if i ever did he would tear it from my face. i got it done when i moved out at 19, and had a panic attack the first time i had to go home because i was 100% convinced he would. my mum had to pull me aside after dinner to tell me he wouldn’t, but to be honest i didnt really believe her

i have two younger step siblings, who were treated as angels, while my brother and i were treated like shit constantly. When my step-brother threw a tantrum and threatened my brother and me with a knife, he got a ‘talking to’, but not before my brother and me were screamed at for being shitty brothers (his temper tantrum was because we kept telling him he had to clean his room before our parents got him. he never did clean it)

once, my step brother was given 3 days to clean his room. days after the deadline, my mum told put her foot down. My girlfirend and i (i had moved out at this point) were visiting and helping get the place ready for xmas. My step brother refused to clean, screamed at me when i reminded him he only had today to do it, literally went crying to mum when she got home from work. I got yelled at,, by both mum and my step dad, until my grilfriend stepped in to defend me. apparently my step brother had told them i hit him, yelled at him and locked him in his room. at this point in my life, i literally couldnt give a shit whether he cleaned his room or not as i didnt live there, so all i did was remind him and let it go

for a few months when i was 18 i worked with my stepdad at a steel mill (the pay was almost worth deal with his bullshit). i had made plans a week in advance to go out with friends, and asked my stepdad multiple times to warn me in advance if i had to work the next day. the day of going out came, i told him that if i had to work to let me know by 10pm, because i would have enough time to come home and be functional for work. He never got in contact, so i stayed out all night and crashed at a friends place. 5am comes around and i get an angry phone call from my mum. my stepdad was pissed that i was out and wasnt ready for work. She knew that i had asked to be told by 10pm, but they both had ‘forgot’, and it was my fault, because i should have come home anyway. this was not the last time they would forget to tell me my shifts (my stepdad literally gave everyone their shifts, he had no excuse). i ended up getting picked up and dragged to work (i was too afraid of him to say no at this point) and went to work very hungover, which was very dangerous at a steel mill, but i was so afraid of him beating me that i put up with it

During my preteens i was part of an athletics club. i liked it, and enjoyed the field events far more then the track events. i hated running, because i would get really bad shin splints. no one believed me, and mum thought i was just lazy. i got into the regional championships for discus and high jump, and state for javelin. everyone was excited for me to go, but when i didnt place no one talked about it again. i felt so guilty over failing i stopped trying as hard. i did well at the weekly events, but never well enough to compete again.

i played soccer for years until mum got a weekend job and couldnt take us. my teammates thought i was useless and would never let me have the ball. one day, when we were short people, i got placed as a forward. i kept up with the others, and even scored a few goals. i got cheered for that game, and finally thought i would be accepted and make friends, but then the next week was back on the bench

similar happened when is started playing basketball instead of soccer (it ran on weeknights instead of weekends). i almost gave up until one of my teammates pulled me aside and actually tested me. when he found i could play, he started including me in games, passing to me and teaching me better techniques. i crushed on him so hard before i even knew what that meant. i never saw him again after that season, so when the next season came with an almost all new team, mixed with the emotional strain of school, i gave up on sports

school was very hard for me growing up. i got bullied alot through both primary and high school (even university, but by that point it didnt bother me as much)

i was a very sensitive child. i would cry whenever i felt too much of any emotion, including happiness. People told me for years to ‘suck it up’, to stop crying, or better, that they’d ‘give me something to cry about’. this lead to me bottling my emotions and literally beating myself whenever i would cry that i physically couldnt shed a tear for over a decade.

i felt so disconnected from everyone in my life that when i was around 12 i decided to try to kill myself. being a stupid kid i thought i could hold my breath until i died. i tried 3 times over about 6 months. it never clicked that it wouldnt work, i just became more scared of death then i did of my bullies.

i ran away from school twice in the same year. the first time one of my bullies set off a cap gun next to me, then started yelling about how i did it. i was so afraid of getting in trouble, not just by my teacher, but by my parents that i just ran. i ended up coming back to the school 30 mins later, after both my parents and the police had been called. no one wanted to hear why i had done it, they just wanted to be angry that i left school grounds.

i dont remember why i did it the second time, but i was gone maybe 5 mins before i came back, fearing not only my parents but the police this time. i knew i would be in worse trouble, but i just couldnt be in the school anymore.

one time, when we had a sex education class, i explained to a ‘friend’ that i didnt like talking about this stuff, cos it made me feel weird (not in a sexual way, but like, grossed out weird) he told everyone i got an erection in class, and people called me boner boy for months. that was actually not long before i tried to commit suicide for the first time

i thought things would be better in high school because i went to a different school then everyone i knew (i missed my friends, but i figured id get a new start). instead i got bullied from day one. the jockish kids in my class saw i was an easy target because at this point i still cried at the drop of a hat. some of those bullies from day one bullied me all the way through to senior year.

as i hit puberty i stopped being so emotional (well, i bottle it up more) and instead became angry at everything. i would lash out at everyone, and when i couldnt lash out at people i hit things. i split my knuckles on walls and doors many times

once, in the library, one of my bullies stole my wallet. he took all the money out, then threw the empty wallet at me and laughed. i snapped and threw the chair i was sitting on at him. i missed, but he dropped the money. i got sent to the vice principals office, where i explained what happened. he called in the other boy, who denied it all. no one else had seen, so i got in trouble and he got off

it was in highschool that i learnt that pain could help clear the bad feelings from my head, and started to self harm. i hated the feeling of cutting, so i burned myself, or scratched mosquito bites and small cuts until that got so bad they would scar

i used to try really hard in to be a good student in high school. i was in the ‘gifted and talented’ classes in primary school, so whenever i didnt do well (i never failed, just was never top of my class) i got told i had ‘so much potential’. no one ever saw the effort i did put in. When the school sent a letter home one time to congratulate me on getting the second top score in a test, i heard nothing of it. i found the letter a few weeks after it had been sent, opened. neither my mum nor stepdad had said anything about it. soon after i decided there was no point in trying if people only ever cared when i failed

i got into a fist fight one day at school. they didnt call my folks, so my mum found out when i got home with a black eye. we got into a fight about it, because i didnt want to talk to her about what happened. when confronted i broke down, and told her that i wanted to die. she yelled at me about being selfish while smacking me across the face multiple times. i decided not to talk to her about how i felt anymore, because i couldnt understand how you could beat someone who just said they wanted to die. to this day everytime i try to talk to her about any serious emotional stuff i start to break down and just cant do it

i to bullied about being gay for so many years that when i started to have feelings for other men i buried them and tried not to think about it. i spent years being scared that i might be gay, worried about what would happen to me if i was. When i started to think about my gender ( i didnt understand gender at the time) and how i wished i had been born a woman, i buried that and just assumed it was puberty hormones fucking with me. i still cant think about it without almost having an anxiety attack. i have so many years of self hatred, of poor body images and of people telling me i was ugly/fat/gross that i cant see myself as anything but

i finally calmed down emotionally around 17/18. senior year. at this point i tried my best to ignore my bullies and the voices in my head. i just wanted school to end so i could run away somewhere. i wanted to go to university to study forensic science. i had two different teachers tell me i wasnt smart enough, and that i would never get into uni. i ended up failing my HSC and having to do a bridging course to get into uni. the course was so good, in both how they taught in the environment (it was held at the univeristy) that i more then doubled my ATAR and got accepted into the two top forensic science courses (in hindsight i chose the worse of the two, but i didnt know at the time)

university was mixed years. i made some amazing friends and learnt some great stuff, but also had to deal with some absolute dickheads. It was a small country town where the only things to do outside study was to drink and play football. id given up on playing sports years before hand, and 9 out of 10 of the football players were super racist and homophobic. One of them raped a friend of mine and the university defended him. thats when my friends and i decided we had to leave campus. add to that that i found out at the end of my third year i had been doing the wrong course for the job i wanted, i quit uni and left

TL:DR - theres a lot of shit that fucked me up, but typing it all out i cant tell if it actually fucked me up or if im just whining about normal shit. ahh well. better to get it out then keep it in

Tune in next time folks! Same Bat-time! same Bat-channel!

[eligrantbooks]

gotta vent about my day real quick

highlights of the day

> be professional ghostwriter.

Agreed to edit a 25000 word segment of a finished manuscript for a much loved regular client, who said the MC’s dialogue needed to be punched up. Easy enough. I figured it would take a few hours.

Was briefly excited to discover the manuscript was for a concept I had outlined and written several chapters for a few months ago.

Excitement rapidly dwindles as I realize that beloved client has hired another ghostwriter to write the majority of the book. Which would be fine, except this other ghostwriter has no fucking idea what they are doing.

Formatting is a god damn disaster and I spend several hours just getting the document into a workable condition.

You ever open a word doc, look at the navigation pane, and just see a wall of blank links, because someone applied the header formatting somewhere and then just hit enter a million times instead of using a page break like a civilized god damn human being?

in the middle of this forest of blank headers, actual chapter titles are scattered at random, and also they only applied the header to roughly one out of every five chapters or so, you know, just, when they felt like it. when the spirit took them. when the stars aligned. when the feng shui was right.

Also, apparently they like the way first line indenting looks but don’t know how to make word do that (spoiler: its easy as shit and takes like two clicks) so every once in a while they start manually hitting tab before every line, until they get distracted and stop for a while, luring you into a false sense of security before they remember and start doing it again.

Sometimes, when a scene transitions but they dont want to just end the chapter for some reason, they break it up with spaces. Other times, they like to use asterisks. Once or twice, just for flavor, they throw in one of those page width lines that word makes when you type a line of hyphens.

There is random highlighting in places, for no discernible reason.

Once I have the document formatted in a way I can bear to work with, I start actually reading through it. About the first seven chapters were written by the client. They’re cheesy but solid.

Then I get to chapter eight, and the suspicions i had begun to form while putting the formatting through traction (namely that whoever did this was a fuckwit) quickly crystallized into a shining certainty that my beloved client had mistakenly hired An Ass Clown.

Not just An Ass Clown, but An Ass Clown who thought 50 Shades was a beautiful love story, actually.

And they gave This Ass Clown, this literary reprobate, this paste eating remedial english mother fucker, my outline.

let me clarify that i did not expect to have sole control of this story when i produced the outline for beloved client, and I was okay with that. That’s how it works. If I’d been dead set on writing this myself, i wouldn’t have sold the outilne to beloved client. but it really rubs salt in the wound to have spent hours of my life crafting the bones of this story, which i really liked and was excited to see take shape

and then find out it has been put into the pie fondling hands

of An Ass Clown.

first hint that something has gone drastically wrong: the arrival of completely unnecessary and ridiculous fantasy names for things.

“oh we dont drink coffee in this book. it’s kofee. at least until three chapters from now when i forget and it becomes kofe. Oh, and watch out for those thornaby bushes! I’m going to misspell that one literally every time I use it! It’s entirely possible that this isn’t a fantasy name at all and I just have a small seizure whenever I try to type the word thorn bush!”

second omen of my impending anuerism: phonetically written accents which are so comically stereotypical and inaccurate that native speakers of that accent should be entitled to financial compensation, except they can’t even stick to the stereotype accurately, producing gems such as  “It’s not safe in that there pen with ‘em swine, young miss.” I don’t even know what accent that’s supposed to represent. To top it off these accent abominations are sprinkled in with all the consistency and reliability of a lactose intolerant cheese enthusiast’s bowel movements.

But this, I tell myself, moving on, is not my problem. I just need to punch up the mcs dialogue. It’ll be fine. I can do this. I just need to take this shit: “A fond idea, but I doubt I have that ability.” I joked. “I can’t imagine living without true sunshine. Even the triplet moons must shine less brightly without their sister sun.” and make it… not like that.

Except, and here’s where I start hitting the real roadblock guys

this book is in first person.

essentially, the entire novel is the MC talking.

So sure I can change the spoken lines, but her internal monologue

which is, i remind you, the entire narrative

her internal monologue is going to keep being maggie gyllenhal’s character from The Secretary if her copy of the script had been swapped with just a binder full of sonnets written by a middle school english class during the Shakespeare unit.

I get to chapter ten around three in the afternoon. I have been working steadily, with an unusual degree of focus thanks to my recent adderal prescription, since ten in the morning.

this is where shit begins to go truly bananas.

this is a YA beauty and the beast type fantasy

that good fun indulgent shit that’s almost as enjoyable to write as it is to read

usually. previously. before i had to endure this traumatic twelve hour experience.

Chapter ten is the first big “dinner” scene. this book isn’t being shy about pulling from the source material, but that’s fine. the beast “apologizes” (heavy quotes there) for having earlier used magic to force the heroine to answer his questions truthfully. They talk and almost seem to making progress for a bit, and then have a fight and storm off. Standard stuff.

Except, uh, the beast’s apology is, essentially “Yeah I shouldn’t have done that.” “so you’re apologizing?” “no but it’s the best you’re going to get so deal with it.”

and the headstrong, independent heroine who wears pants and wrestles pigs and dont need no man

just kinda rolls with this. There’s giggling.

They have their big dramatic fight, exit stage left, much angst and todo.

The next morning heroine wakes up to find the beast has (presumably) snuck into her room while she was sleeping and dumped a bunch of new dresses on her. he has also (apparently) replaced her brain with Bella Swan’s more vapid cousin.

She forgives him instantly. Because pretty dresses. She also starts calling him master, because why not. She has, over night, become the darling submissive Tumblr doms dream of.

This is not a bdsm book. I am eighty percent certain it doesn’t even include soft core smut. I’m telling you this so that you understand this transformation was not a contrivance in order to facilitate kinky sex. I have written a contrived set up to a sex scene or two in my day. This is not that. This is Not what is in the outline. I know, because i wrote the outline. It is My Outline.

No, The Ass Clown just… decided to do this. Apropos of nothing. I’m beginning to think the Ass Clown’s decision making process involves whipping pies at a comically large dartboard. And all the options on the dartboard are just “lol whatever”

By the time I get to chapter eleven, wherein our newly lobotomized heroine is “excited to wear a new frock and please the master!” - direct quote I have given up any pretense of editing dialogue and I am just straight up rewriting shit using the previous garbage as a loose outline.

I have eaten, maybe, three bites of a bowl of oatmeal all day. I have not taken a bathroom break since before noon. I have missed my deadline. Beloved client is concerned. I’m sure I can still do this, I just need a few more hours.

the words sound like truth but my soul knows i am a liar

I frantically restructure scene after scene, deceiving myself each time that it will be the last, and I will be able to get this crazy train back on the rails. But this crazy train has no interest in being on the rails. It’s a direct line no stops right off the edge of the cliffs of insanity.

The beast jumps unpredictably from homicidal rage and threats of violence to jokes and flirting as though he did not just declare her his property and threaten to rip her tongue out a few paragraphs ago. Heroine swoons and sighs and giggles regardless of whether she is dealing with Dr.Jekyll or Christian Gray on PCP.

But I’m still sure I can do this. I’ll just adjust these two full chapters to make her appropriately scared and angry, and then replace this weird conversation here with a heartfelt apology from him and an effort to do better. That will totally work. Unless, you know, it turns out that conversation I want to replace only starts out with them joking and laughing together, and turns into him berating and abusing her mid paragraph of a fuckin montage a page later! But, haha! Why would The Ass Clown ever do that? It would be completely irrational, tonally jarring and out of character! Only a seltzer slinging rainbow suspender-ed peanut butter fumbling son of six fucks would do that.

so of course The Ass Clown did that.

It’s eleven at night. I know when I’m beaten.

I inform beloved client that the Ass Clown has bested me and I can do no more.

She is very understanding.

I send her what I managed and I check the added word count while im at it

i added a full 6,000 words to that manuscript just trying to patch up this sloppy motherfucker’s lopsided prose and gossamer thin understanding of narrative structure

son of a bitch had about as firm a grasp of romance as i currently have on the trembling shreds of my sanity.

their grip on character writing could not be more tenuous if they had first dipped the target brand Hulk Hands which I assume they always have on their person into a barrel of adult-film-grade silicon lubricant and then taken their Leapfrog 2-in-1 Leaptop Touch down a waterslide.

Do you know how much I usually make for 6000 words?

$180.

Do you know how much I made for enduring this ass blasting, which I naively believed I could tackle in a matter of hours?

$100.

You owe me $80 Ass Clown. And I aim to collect.

Also I lost my damn mind for a minute and said the words "i dont know shit about fuck my guy” to my actual father on facebook

so there’s that.

[froggiedog]

Okay!! So!! Merry (a lil’ late) Christmas (or all that other jazz) @vndoom !!!!

Your prompts were SO STINKIN’ CUTE and I immediately fell in love with the first one. I realized a lil’ late I’m bad at keeping things short, so I had to really push myself to leave out some extraneous detail.

I apologize that it’s towards the end of the deadline, but I hope the wait was worth it!! I’ve never been great at deadlines anyways,,,

Enjoy!!

(And endless thanks to the ever-lovely @showtoons for beta-ing!!)

3,162 words, some mild swearing.

@dearevanhansensecretsanta

Evan has always hated field trips.

There was always too much to do, too much to remember, and too many people packed onto a tiny school bus.

He shivers in his seat, staring bitterly out the frosted window as the kid next to him leans out across the middle aisle, shouting something at his friends in a way that was just too obnoxious for Evan to be able to handle right now.

Evan had set his bag on the seat next to him, a physical marker of I don’t want anyone to sit here, find somewhere else, but the kid had shoved it to the ground and plopped himself right in Evan’s safe space without so much as an apology or an acknowledgement.

That was fine, he guessed. Evan also hated small talk.

The bus jostles to the side, throwing Evan against the window, and he reels back as the cool glass meets with the side of his face. Disgruntled, he raises a gloved hand to rub at it in annoyance. Today was already turning out to be fantastic.

Alana pops up over the back of the seat in front of Evan, flashing a bright grin at him. Evan looks up at her wearily.

“We’re almost there! Don’t forget your backpack this year— remember last time? You were so distraught—”

“Yes, but—”

“—and you called your mother, crying—”

“Okay, Alana, thank you.” Evan rubs at his temples. “Yes, that was— I remember that.” Evan reaches down to tug his backpack into his lap, faking a smile he’s sure looks painful on his face. “I won’t forget it this time.”

She only shrugs, sinking back into her seat, when Evan’s phone buzzes.

Connor

If i have to listen to this asshole make one more joke about my hair im throwing him out the window

Evan smiles down at his phone, cradling it in his hands like it was a prized heirloom from a time forgotten (in a sense, it kind of was). There had been too many seniors to cram them all on one bus, so the class had been split. Evan was left with Alana on this bus, and Connor and Jared were together on the other. Evan was fairly certain one or the other would arrive, throttled, at their destination.

Evan

I think all of us would appreciate that, except maybe Alana.

Just don’t get in trouble with the chaperones.

Connor replies with a simple “k”, and Evan tucks his phone away. It seems the others on the bus are becoming restless and noisy, squabbling around to get a look out the windows, so he figures they’re arriving soon.

Evan clutches the straps of his backpack tightly as they get off the bus, the cold air immediately whipping its way into his jacket and forcing him into a hunch.

God, he really hates the cold.

Evan jumps reflexively as a long, thin arm winds its way around his shoulders. Startled, he looks up into the grim, gaunt face of Connor Murphy. Who is scowling.

“What’s up?” Evan asks, relaxing into his side. “Missed you.”

Jared makes a distinct gagging noise somewhere to Evan’s left, beyond Connor. “Just get together already, you’re both fuckin’ gross.”

Evan wrinkles his nose, immediately detaching from Connor’s side. “Is it even worth it at this point to tell you we’re just friends?”

“That.” Connor says, pointing a thin, gloved finger at Jared. “That’s the problem.”

Jared places a hand over his heart, mocking a wounded expression. “‘That’? I must mean more to you than just ‘that’, Murphy.”

Connor doesn’t humor him, instead making a show of rolling his eyes.

As the teachers call everyone’s attention and wrangle them into place, they explain the nature of the tour, adding special detail to the notes they need to take along the way, reiterating as many times as possible that it isn’t a leisure trip. Everyone groans collectively at the assigned workload, with the exception of Alana, who seems to radiate excitement. They go on to say everyone should get themselves a walking partner, so nobody gets lost, and Connor immediately velcros himself to Evan’s side. It still gives Evan a warm feeling that Connor isn’t withdrawn about their friendship.

Evan gives Jared a bit of side-eye, watching for a moment as Alana grips his arm and chatters his ear off, before fixing his eyes back on the teachers at the front of the group.

Evan flashes Connor a meek smile and plops his mittened hand into his. He’d be just fine like this.

The snow on the sidewalks of New York City could hardly be considered snow— it was all slushy mush that seeped into the fabric of Evan’s Uggs as they walked, wetting his socks and making him intensely more uncomfortable the farther they went. The air seemed to be as bitter and sharp as his current mood.

“You okay?” Connor’s voice pulled him from his darkening thoughts. Evan turns his head to look up at him, and Connor’s eyes were knowing, but not revealing. To passerby, it wouldn’t look like there was a scene unfolding. Evan appreciates that.

He sighs, shoving his hands deeper into the pockets of his worn-out coat. The padding on the inside was so flattened by this point the damn thing barely kept him warm. “I’m just... cold. And not looking forward to this.”

Connor offers Evan a small smile, just for him. “You already know we’re in the same boat.” Evan nods, and Connor’s smile turns smirk. “Would me throwing a snowball at the back of Kleinman’s head make you feel any better?”

“It’d make you feel better,” Evan snorts, “It’d also get us in trouble.”

Connor groans like Evan had just denied him a free piece of candy, his shoulders drooping childishly. “You’re no fun when there are teachers around, y’know that?”

Evan pushes against his arm lightly, a faint smile on his lips, and he allows himself to chuckle.

—

After a while, the groggy uncomfortable feeling starts to feel worse.

The busy streets of New York are crowded and unnavigable enough to be walking through them with a pack of students, all of them loud and restless like a herd of scared sheep, jostling Evan as they walk and pulling him around like a ragdoll. The sounds from the traffic whirring around them melding with the multitude of voices surely don’t help Evan’s senses either, making his face contort into an ugly wince and squish Connor’s hand; his own uncomfortably sweaty inside his gloves despite the cold. He looks up from the pavement in an attempt to ground himself, focus on something else, but he realizes it was a futile attempt when the Christmas lights that are strung from the trees seem to spin and whirl in blurry circles before his eyes. Evan’s lack of attention on his footing makes him skid on a patch of ice. Connor’s fingers are suddenly around his arm.

It’s suddenly too much to take.

He doesn’t say anything for a while, just stops moving until the tangle of students pass around them and they’re at the back of the pack.

“Better?”

Evan nods numbly, though it really isn’t, but he lets Connor pull him forward by his arm anyway. His stomach feels like a bubbling cauldron, his mouth dry, and he tries very hard to swallow the excess saliva pooling in his mouth due to his sudden nausea. He feels Connor’s hand slipping down to grab his, continuing to tug him forward, yet Evan’s feet feel like they’re weighed down with cement. He finally gives in, shaking his head much like a dog, and tugs weakly on Connor’s hand until they’ve stopped again. He’s all too aware of strangers glancing at them as they pass, yet he can’t seem to make himself look at anywhere that’s not the dirty sidewalk beneath them. “I can’t, I feel sick, Connor, I can’t—”

Connor moves to Evan’s front, securing his hands around Evan’s arms and bending down slightly to peer into his face. Evan briefly considers he should feel babied by the action, slightly pissed off, but he realizes he doesn’t. “Breathe, Evan. Just take a moment, you’re alright.”

Evan tries, all the breathing exercises that were taught to him tumble around inside his mind desperately before he can even try to put one into practice. Yet, something about Connor’s strong grip on his arms and the strong scent of his deodorant make Evan feel like he can take his time, like Connor will wait for him, and the world won’t crumble as long as Connor doesn’t lose his grip on him. So he does. He closes his hands into tight fists, and gradually, Evan’s rapid inhales begin to slow. The world slowly stops spinning, things coming into focus, and it doesn’t feel like his entire stomach is going to climb out of his mouth anymore. He’s not great, but he’s slightly more stable, which is arguably better than how he started. The chill settles on his clammy skin, and Connor must notice him shivering because he straightens up and tugs Evan to his chest, wrapping his arms around him.

After a few more moments pass of Evan listening to the gentle beat of Connor’s heart, he pulls back and Connor releases him, his hands sliding back into the pocket of his hoodie.

“All good?” Connor asks.

Evan nods. “Good, this time, yeah.”

Except, as Connor moves out of the way, Evan can’t find where the rest of the class went.

They’re gone.

Frantically, he begins to weave between the people on the sidewalk, peering over and around them, and Connor calls out to him in confusion as he goes. They’re gone. They’re gone. The class left without them, and now Evan can’t see where they went, and they’re lost in New York, and he’ll never find his way home, he has no idea where he is—

Connor yanks on Evan by the back of his coat collar, which effectively gets his attention.

“Where the hell are you going?”

“I—” Evan chokes on his words, swallowing painfully, and turns to Connor. “They’re gone, Connor, they left— we’re lost—”

“So don’t just run off!” Connor stills himself, inhaling deeply through his nose for a moment. “It’s fine, Ev. We can just Google Maps the area, or whatever. Seriously.”

“Oh.” Evan blinks. “Right.”

Connor fishes his phone from his pocket and Evan inches closer to him, fisting a hand in the hem of his hoodie like a child. Connor blinks down at the action momentarily, but resumes swiping around on his phone.

“This way.” Connor stalks forward and Evan is hasty to follow, skidding through the slush, clutching to Connor as if though the minute he lets go of him, he’d vanish too.

There’s a stinging in his nose and a tight feeling in his chest, but Evan pushes down the urge to start crying because they’re in public, and he can tell Connor is already stressed by the rigid set of his jaw and the way he walks, stiff and brisk. He doesn’t need to upset him more— He knows if he goes off a third— fourth? (he’s already starting to lose track) time he might push Connor over the edge. Evan hates upsetting him more than he hates the situation they’re in.

They don’t talk much, occasionally twisting left or right, and eventually Connor slows his stomping. He punches a button for the crosswalk.

“I’m—” Connor’s nose crinkles up. “Y’know, it’s not your fault.”

Evan digs the toe of his soaked shoe into the bank of snow on the edge of the sidewalk. “Okay.” He says, because he doesn’t know what else to. A car whizzes past, spraying dirty slush behind it.

Connor’s hand comes up to scratch the back of his neck, flicking his wrist and tossing his hair out behind him. Evan’s eyes catch on the movement, and it distracts him from realizing the crosswalk light has turned green and Connor is already walking away from him. He lurches into the road, scurrying to catch up with him, and reattaches himself to Connor’s arm as he reaches him.

The taller of the two smiles down at Evan, amusement clear in the curve of his mouth. “Clingy today, aren’t we? If you’re trying to steal my heat it’s not gonna work— I’m too cold-hearted for that.”

Evan rolls his eyes. A smile creeps onto his face as well. “No, I just— I don’t want to lose you.”

A brief emotion Evan can’t place passes over Connor’s face before it shifts into something Evan thinks might be determination. “Here, let’s— Can we sit down for a moment?”

Evan stutters a startled affirmation, allowing Connor to lead him to the edge of an empty fountain. He brushes some snow off, and pulls Evan down to sit with him. Evan cringes at how cold the stone is. The look on Connor’s face says the same.

“Alright, bad idea.” Connor shifts a little, his knee knocking into Evan’s. “Um...”

Something small catches on one of Evan’s eyelashes, blurring his vision momentarily before he blinks it away. He looks up, as if he’d find an answer in the air, and... well, he does. Snowflakes are starting to swirl gently around them, settling gently in Connor’s hair and nuzzling into the creases of Evan’s jacket. Evan just now takes notice of the Christmas lights strung up through the small corner-park they’ve stopped at, twinkling, cheery blues and whites. Evan also takes notice of Connor.

His breath is exhaled in visible puffs like a dragon’s, clouding momentarily before dissipating into the cool air. There are snowflakes on his eyelashes as well, and it looks like someone sprinkled him with glitter. It takes a bit of willpower for Evan not to chuckle at the imagery.

Connor is looking at him. Looking into his eyes. Evan is bodily aware of the simple space where their knees are touching, where Evan couldn’t force himself to pull away if he wanted to.

Snow must make him really, super sappy.

There’s a hand on his, and Evan looks down— It’s Connor’s— and Evan looks back up. Connor’s eyes are soft and warm, and there’s a pink dusting across his cheeks and his nose from the cold. Without much thought, Evan brings his free hand to cup the side of Connor’s face, to offer warmth, but Connor must have thought something different of the gesture.

He leans forward, fast but not fast enough that if Evan had wanted to pull back, he could’ve, and connects their lips.

Evan takes a brief moment to wonder how horribly chapped his lips are, but Connor’s are soft and they slide against his, Evan’s entire being forgetting how cold he was moments before; and just like that, the world is suddenly quiet. The cars are background noise, the chattering of strangers distant and fuzzy, the crunching and sloshing of snow are dim in comparison to the cacophony that is Evan’s heartbeat. It pounds out a steady rhythm in his chest and the hand he has resting on Connor’s cheek slides down to press against Connor’s chest, seeking out the same thing. It beats gently against Evan’s mittened fingers.

They pull away from each other and Connor’s face is lit up like a Christmas tree. It’s one of the most beautiful things Evan has seen, how relaxed and happy and ultimately at peace he looks. Evan’s heart stutters in its rhythm.

He knows he’ll ruin the moment if something comes out of his mouth. His mouth decides to work against his brain anyways. “Uh— I really, um—” He brings his hand from Connor’s chest (he’s a little mortified he left it there) to his own lips. “I’m— wow?”

Connor laughs, a real laugh, a laugh that wrinkles the corners of his eyes and shakes his curly hair loose from behind his shoulders. “You’re a real casanova, y’know that?” Evan’s face heats, and Connor grins at him. “I was gonna try to do a little more talking, but I think that kind of sums everything up.” He pauses. “Probably worked better than if I tried talking, anyways.”

Evan is still a little dumbstruck from the whole situation, not entirely sure how he’s supposed to sort out his feelings and what just happened and what it means. Are they... Does that make them boyfriends? Oh, Jared will have a field day—

Connor takes Evan by the hand and pulls him from the cold stone tile. Evan is still warm. Warmer than he’s ever been. The way Connor’s smiling at him makes him feel like he could burn up.

After Connor starts navigating with his phone again, maneuvering them through the grid-like streets of New York city as snow flurries blow into their eyes, Evan catches sight of the group of teenagers squawking and flocking around the meeting point. He and Connor casually slip into the back of the crowd, but not without Jared and Alana noticing.

“Where have you two been?” Alana pouts, planting her hands on her hips and leaning towards them. “You’ve missed all the fun!”

Connor snorts before he can stop himself. “We had some fun of our own.” Evan’s face must go cherry red, because Jared gasps like he’s heard the most scandalous news of the century.

“No way.” He lunges towards Evan and yanks down his coat collar to inspect his neck. “Did you score any hickies?”

“Jared!” Evan squawks, flapping his hands at him uselessly before managing to push him off. “No, we just... Got lost. Is all.”

Jared squints at him. He’s known Evan since he was a kid, he can probably see right through him. The falling snow must have him in a peace-loving mood, because he drops the subject. He turns to smirk at Connor.

“I don't like it,” Connor starts, “Whatever that look is, I don't like it.”

“Trying to sneak off for some ‘alone-time’, Murphy?”

The two bicker back and forth, something they always seem to be doing, until they relax into their usual group dynamic. Evan zones out for most of the speech done by the teachers, having Alana tug on his sleeve when they seemingly say something worth noting, and while he’s trying to pay attention to the sociocultural reasons of why the architecture of the old New York City buildings remain the way they are, Evan feels Connor’s hand fall into his. He stops himself from looking up to him, however, instead opting to squeeze his hand softly; an unspoken promise, as he does his best to rid his mind from piling thoughts of maybe kissing Connor some more. In private. When they have the time to make it last. Once Evan feels Connor’s amused eyes on him, though, he realizes he might have not done a good job at not letting them show on his face.

He briefly wonders if they could get lost together a bit more often.

[unconditionallymypov]

You Don't Understand Pain

Another common theme pinned to me by default. Not expressing myself has turned me into the perfect villain of the story and I have no one to blame but myself.

It's easy to look at me that way especially with the way I carried myself putting on my Max Charm oh so " happy " that's exactly how I appeared to you and everyone else around.

MY POV :

The main theme of our relationship was me never fighting for it , me never chasing you , me giving up so " easily " of course that's what the poster makes the movie seem to be about but in the credits it was extremely more than that.

You say to me and everyone else how you felt emotionally gone , abused , lost , all the above and I will never take that from you throughout this entire thing I acknowledge my wrongs , where I failed as a partner, friend etc always stepping up owning mines but I want to finally express my pov.

Do you know what it feels like to constantly be broken up with ? And in the midst of it if you don't fight for it you're being told you don't care, it means nothing to you , how could you walk away so easy. When you're the person being broken up with do you know how mentally confusing that is im in the wrong for not fighting for the person who broke up with me?

I have never walked away from you ever and even when I did try i was never strong enough to do so. Yes you broke up with me and I'm sure you had a good reason but literally I was trying my best to be the best man I could be for you and to you sadly sometimes it wasn't enough so you broke with me or it's just something petty.

I have been nothing but straight forward with you throughout this entire thing not once have I ever led you to think something wasn't what it was now let me let you in on some insight being in my position.

Imagine trying your best day and night fighting for someone , fighting for love and during this whole time you're being timed like some kind of project not once , not twice, not even three times but more.

Do you know how emotionally depressing that is? how that fucks with you mentally and emotionally to the point you feel not good enough because you didn't pass the new " test ".

Imagine your partner purposely pulling away because they have fallen out of love with you BUT they don't want to tell you because they " Don't wanna hurt you ". So instead they sit there and watch you , they watch you trying so hard to the point you finally break and say something about the behavior until the point you come forward saying hey " what's going on , I miss you , I miss my girlfriend, I miss us" to be told oh yeah I've been distant because I fell out of love with you a few months ago I just didn't wanna hurt your feelings lol. But it's okay because I'm happy right ?

Imagine pouring your heart out to your bestfriend more than once telling them all these things you have planned and how you and your partner are kind of in a rut but you're gonna do abc to work on things because they're worth it to you. The whole time your bestfriend is aware that your partner told them if this isn't done by this date that they're going to leave you. But no your bestfriend sits there egging you on watching you fight a battle they know you won't win by the deadline.

That's not , " not hurting me " that's damaging me and it all trickles back to that first incident when I told you I felt like I was playing a game that I already lost. It didn't matter how good I was I was set up to lose. From your daddy issues to you ex issues you laid it all on me and it was an impossible game no matter how hard I tried.

You know what I would have loved?

Hey babe i feel like things aren't the same between us let's fix it not you waiting months and months watching me run this marathon you knew you had long stop participating in.

I would have loved

Hey babe no offense but I really want this to happen and if you feel like you can't make it happen then I think ima call it quits by this date.

You never gave me nothing to work with you just didn't " wanna hurt me " and in the end I was hurt worse on top of me never having a chance at any of the " test " that were blindly been put on me without my knowledge how can you compete in something you didn't even know you were in? Of course you're gonna lose.

But it's worth it because atleast im not hurt right?

Each of those moments i felt so depressed and sad , I felt worthless I honestly felt like some animal being trained because my girlfriend could never be honest with me , she could never give me a fair opportunity to win all odds were against me.

Down to the times you told me you purposely did things because you wanted to make me feel it in return that is something I will never understand because I told you yes I hurt you but never have I ever done anything to intentionally hurt you ever and even tho you may think the things you did were small and petty they still hurt because you did them knowing the outcome you wanted.

[trouvvaille]

Clams ==> Talk to Chosis.

periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:03 AM -- PP began texting LS -- PP: meenah told me to talk to you. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:04 AM LS: hey cho LS: howws it ZZ3B? i heard u got guests an such periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:05 AM PP: they just needed somewhere warm to stay the ni9ht. the forest is quickly settlin9 into winter. itd be cruel to leave a person out there to wander in the dark. PP: meenah told me to talk to you. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:06 AM LS: yeah its fuckin cold here too LS: yeah i just wwanted to uh LS: talk i guess aboat wwhat you said to her LS: pike i unno, i wwanted to make sure wwe understood you correctly LS: cause pike u said "i need to ask some things of you" but then you didn't exactly make them sound like you were uh LS: askin LS: you sounded pike these needed to be done or else LS: y or no periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:08 AM PP: she can do those thin9s and earn my for9iveness, or she can not. PP: i asked her to do these thin9s to earn my for9iveness. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:11 AM LS: ah LS: so all a them non negotiable on anyones part then i'm assumin LS: i mean honestly dinners a big step i wwas hopin for somethin more pike, breakfast or lunch but dinner has some big fuckin connotations to it LS: i'm assumin you talked at vvis an sal aboat this LS: i mean i wwish you'd talked at me first LS: how you said that really uh LS: i mean you knoww meenah at least a little LS: tryin to control her or corner her into a decision makes her wwanna run the complete opposite wway or hate the wwhole codamn thing LS: i'vve been wworkin at gettin her to do those things myself LS: but i don't think she's LS: ready wwith her owwn thought processes to make such a big decision or such LS: only just got her to evven think about talkin at sally LS: been tryin to take it in steps LS: i wwant this as much as you do LS: rifts, fightin LS: you uh LS: you knoww vvis' origins yeah periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:13 AM PP: no, theyre ne9otiable. i told her if she needed clarification on any of them, she could ask. PP: breakfast and lunch doesnt really mean family to me. those more mean just me and her. my offer to her isnt about me. PP: i havent talked to them, no. but they told me what made them really upset about this whole thin9. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:14 AM LS: all the fightin an shit that surrounded him wwhen he came into existance LS: oh! aight okay periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:14 AM PP: if i can be honest, clams. PP: at least im 9ivin9 her somethin9. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:15 AM LS: yeah an i mean it's LS: quite the turnaround LS: from before i mean LS: kinda broadsided the both of us wwith your tone in the wwhole thing but i can see noww it was more than likely just a mis-readin on our parts periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:15 AM PP: the more ive thou9ht about the situation the an9rier ive become. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:16 AM LS: evverythin seems pike a challenge these days but uh LS: thats wwhat happens wwhen evveryone's havin issues LS: just a wwhole lotta. stress. LS: oh LS: then not a misreadin, just anger pike i thought periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:17 AM PP: this isnt exactly a 'one emotion 9et it done' type deal. PP: i had my arm cut off by someone so deeply entan9led in my family that i cant just remove that threat. PP: at first i was scared that if i was ever an9ry, that if anyone was an9ry for me, she would hurt me a9ain. PP: i was quiet and complacent and 9uilty because i didnt want to 9et hurt. PP: but im SICK of actin9 like that. PP: im SICK OF BEIN6 SCARED. PP: vati hurt me ONCE and i havent STOPPED feelin9 scared of everyone i meet since! PP: do you know that abby talks to arch??? arch tortured wiz worse than anyone out of the bunch! abby talks to arch for protection! PP: so yes, im an9ry! but i swallowed most of that an9er because i knew if i didnt, then i was 9oin9 to do somethin9 i would really re9ret. PP: so i didnt. and i talked to felide. and i made my offer. PP: so she can either take it (with whatever clarifications she needs) or not PP: but im done with bein9 scared. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:20 AM LS: i don't care if you're angry honestly you'vve gotta right to be an so does she LS: anywway aboat those three things periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:20 AM PP: ph my 6OD lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:27 AM LS: aight i'm gonna talk about your three conditions LS: you didn't set a timelimit on this an don't set one now, please, because it's just gonna givve out a wwhole lotta pressure on her an that's the last thing anyone needs right noww LS: twwo LS: if wwe havve dinner altogether, it needs to be after she an sally do their differences an apologies obvviously LS: an for that it's gonna take time LS: i promise you i'm wworkin wwith her on it. wwe had a convversation two days ago aboat sally an vvis an howw she needs to swwallow her codamn selfishness an anger an talk at them LS: it's just gonna take time an i ain't sure how much LS: i knoww they've talked before an they said they missed each other an they said they lovved each other but i think it's somethin they gotta work up towards LS: if you wwant i can keep you updated on that LS: as for vvis i uh LS: talked to her aboat that too an i put it in a wway that she understood LS: she showwed regret for wwhat she'd done, an understandin as to howw badly it fucked evverythin up LS: she knowws she wwas in the wwrong an i'vve made no holdbacks on tellin her so LS: she's wworkin on vvis too an i think that one wwill come. easier LS: i'll agree to your conditions but i'm puttin some of my owwn up LS: i need time LS: i mean i guess you can givve us a deadline but you nevver fuckin knoww wwhat might happen to take that awway, the kids are gone an there's still a good chance wwe ourselves could find ourselvves in some sorta fight with some sort of empress LS: they'vve assured me it's fine but i still fuckin wworry aboat that shit LS: second LS: dinner has to be in a third party location. not your hivve or mine, because both options wwill have the opposite party on edge LS: i'm thinkin vvis' hivve LS: i'll organize dinner tho unless u havve any claims to it or uh, wwant to help too, i fuckin lovve organizin nice dinners an shit ZZ3B) LS: wwearin nice clothes an all that unless uh, you wwanted it to be a more casual dinner? i unno, wwhenevver someone says dinner i think a fancy formal silvver platter sorta things LS: lastly LS: i understand feelin scared LS: i feel scared around sal still LS: an pike... if it helps, i'll make an effort to be there wwhenevver she's there wwith you or near you LS: so she wwon't lose it pike she did LS: so neither a you get hurt periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:29 AM PP: there is no time limit. PP: and the dinner i had planned was at my hive. for yule. PP: so i 9uess thats a kind of time limit but its the one i had in mind. PP: its a casual event. im makin9 dinner for the whole clade. everyone is 9oin9 to be there, everyone i can wrassle up. PP: so she should be there too. PP: id rather you hadnt put my emotions last on your to do list but whatever. PP: the moment has passed. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:29 AM LS: yule, fuck, i almost forgot LS: cod this swweep is goin by fast LS: too fuckin fast periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:30 AM PP: and if she does 'lose it'. PP: i assure i wont be needin9 your defense. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:30 AM LS: evverythin just. blurs. i blink an its been twwo wweeks ugh LS: cho i'm gonna tell you somefin periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:30 AM PP: yule is in december. the 22nd. you have time. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:33 AM LS: if she loses her temper an goes after you again i'd rather stand in front of her an let her krill me than put this fuckin wwedge betwween evveryone again LS: i mean at that point the stress of the fallout wwill givve me a codamn heart attack anywway so pike LS: yeah LS: but alternativvely if you go after her wwithout proper cause LS: i wwill absolutely do the same for her LS: so you best think ovver real hard your actions if she ain't actively goin after you or yours an you just decide to get in a pre-emptivve first strike aight LS: i'd rather fuckin die than let this happen a second time periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:34 AM PP: im not 9oin9 to fuckin9 attack her. PP: THE WHOLE POINT OF MY OFFER WAS ME NOT ATTACKIN6 HER. PP: BUT IM SICK OF BEIN6 SCARED, CLAMS. PP: I AM THE FEROCITY AND I AM SICK OF BEIN6 TAMED. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:35 AM LS: then i misunderstood wwhat you said wwhen you said "i assure you i wwon't be needing your defense". periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:35 AM PP: IF SHE COMES AFTER ME A6AIN. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:35 AM LS: an i apologize for that LS: i just wwanted to make my stance knowwn periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:36 AM PP: i dont. need. your. defense. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:36 AM LS: i mean to me it just sounded pike a threat so LS: i knoww you don't, cho periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:36 AM PP: if she is a threat to me, i will be a threat back. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:36 AM LS: but i need mine LS: for me LS: myself periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:36 AM PP: i am not 9oin9 to let her hurt me a9ain. no matter what that takes. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:37 AM LS: yeah an me too LS: i mean no ones really stopped to ask me howw this shit's affectin me you feel LS: pike LS: you knoww i see vvis' nightmares yeah? or is that a thing you havven't heard yet periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:38 AM PP: clams. PP: i care about you and for that reason i am tellin9 you that ri9ht now is not the time to open up to me. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:38 AM LS: my point is if i gotta see evveryone fightin like that again i ain't gonna be happy an i'm gonna LS: try to prevvent it best i can periodicPsychosis - Today at 8:38 AM PP: i am too an9ry. PP: i need to 9o eat. lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:41 AM LS: fine. LS: you wwant dinner on the 22nd, an apology to sal, an a promise to vvis LS: no promises on the actual date but i'll see wwhat i can do. LS: until then i think it best that you don't talk to her LS: pike at all, unless she instigates it or it's important LS: aight LS: aight. consider this convversation finished.

lonelySeahorse has ceased trolling periodicPsychosis --

[noxiim]

(1/3)Okayyyy so i mightve sent a few asks abt this before but this topic is really now bugging me cuz i have depression and im sensitive to like everything. Im starting to take this "not getting notes on my art" thing really personally and i know it sounds childish (and i laugh at myself for it) but i cant help but get upset when i spend so much time and effort and get like no feedback. And i know people say not to draw what u love and not for attention but honestly i dont even know what

and i dont even know if im drawing what ilike sometimes. Yeah i love bts but i dont know if i like what im drawing or ifim just doing it for notes???? And i have a lot of anxiety too and thats wherei feel like im taking this too personally. Cuz im starting to think that my artdoesnt get notes cuz its straight up not good which leads me to think ishouldnt even try to pursue a career in art anymore. But im not good atanything else so wtf am i gonna do if i dont succeed in art???? Like i said i laugh at myself for thinking like this and iprobably sound like a fuckin child but i cant help it???? Like i think my artis decent???? But maybe its not???? Idk like this was really hitting me todaycuz i feel like im wasting so much time and im probably gonna be one of thosepoor college students cuz i decided to focus on art more rather than taking ajob cuz i thought i could make money off of my art but yknow clearly its notgoing so well and im scared for my future U dont have to give advice to all of that i just needed tolet that all out 

Aw dude don’t worry I get what you mean,I actually experienced something similar when I first started posting my art totumblr, and even recently when I first started posting bts fanart. It’sperfectly normal to want recognition (in this case in the form of notes) forsomething you worked so hard on!! I think one of the major issues with postingto such a big fandom such as bts though is that there’s so many peopleproducing content at any given time, that it’s incredibly easy to get drownedout. Especially since tumblr changed how search and track tagging worked, itmade it that much harder for people to get noticed for their content.

When I first switched to drawing for bts,I found it hard because I also focused a lot on my note count. For someone whowas originally well established in a previous fandom, the move to bts was quitea jarring experience. I had built my following on tf2 art, and used toconsistently get a couple hundred notes, but one of main reasons why I left wasbecause of the dwindling of note counts. When I first left, overwatch had justcome out and a lot of attention shifted towards that game away from tf2, andalthough I still love the game, the dramatic decrease in notes on my art fortf2 really made me sad and I ended up deciding to leave the fandom after 3years of drawing tf2 art. I hopped around a bit, before eventually getting intobts. Even then, my first few pieces (they’re not on my #bts fanart tag so mostpeople wouldn’t have ever seen them) either got no notes at all or only two orthree. It was easier for me to establish myself in a fandom such as tf2 back inthe day since it was such a small, tight knit community with limited contentcreators, but now with bts there are so many more people and it just seemedhopeless for a while and I lost motivation in my art. I stopped wanting todraw, since it felt like nobody cared. Art is the biggest hobby I have, solosing my confidence in my art was crushing.

Now you might be wondering how I got towhere I am today. I’ll be completely honest with you. For me, I highly doubt Iwould be anywhere near where I am if it weren’t for networks. I had neverjoined a network before, but decided to join armiesnet and jimin network one daywhen I saw that applications were open. I got accepted, and I joined theirrespective group chats too. I met lots of great people on those chats, and madea lot of new friends which was nice after having moved fandoms and lost touchwith many previous mutuals. I’m so glad I joined networks, because not only doyou have the chance to make mutuals who will support you and your art, thenetwork blog itself also reblogs all its members’ content which gives youexposure to members of the network through both the network tag and through thedashboard. It’s a perfect way to get started, rather than hoping that somebodywith a decent following will happen to stumble across your work in the tags oneday and reblog it.

That being said, unless you’re like somesort of godly human being I don’t think we can ever get over how note countsfeel as an artist. We need something to gauge people’s response to our art, andthat tends to default to note counts. I can assure you that the feeling of disappointmentwhen your post doesn’t get as many notes as you want/expected it to is a thingpretty much all artists on this site shares. People always say “you should drawfor yourself, not for other people” but that’s the equivalent of like say themona lisa being painted and then left to rot in Da Vinci’s closet or something.The whole point of art is sharing your ideas/love for something through yourdrawings with other people, and so it’s perfectly normal to want therecognition you deserve for working so hard and putting so much love into yourcraft. When it feels like you’re all alone, you have to remember not to giveup. Creating art in such a big fandom can be unforgiving, but just rememberthat your art is never the one at fault. It’s all about finding that littlegolden window of exposure, whether it be through one big blog or a couplesmaller blogs reblogging your work. Those kind few people will be what helpsyou grow, and you have to keep posting for that to happen. If you water a plantbut it doesn’t bloom the next day, abandoning it will get you nowhere. If youjust keep going, keep watering it, results will come. Keep reminding yourselfthat you’re doing well, and you can compare older art to your current art tosee the progress and keep you motivated. Don’t force yourself to draw if youaren’t feeling it – art is something that should make you happy. I used to drawbecause I felt the pressure to put out content, but that just resulted in mefalling into a negative spiral of art block, limited motivation and generalunhappiness with my art as a result. Remember that there’s no such thing as adeadline when it comes to posting art on tumblr – work at whatever pace suitsyou and if anybody tries to rush you, shut them down. You’re the artist, youget to choose what you do with your art, how you do it, and how long you spendon it.

If you truly have your sights set onbecoming an artist full time, then by all means go for it! I can’t give muchadvice in that area since I only plan on keeping art as a hobby, but justremember that art school is always optional. In the end, working as an artistis all about the portfolio, not where you graduated from. It’s more importantto work on your art than it is to get in to an amazing art school. Sure, artschools can be useful, but in the end they are simply tools, sort of like atutorial rather than something that will magically turn you into an amazing artistwith amazing job offers. At the end of the day, it’s all up to yourself to workhard and promote yourself. Since art is all about reaching different audienceswith your work, promoting yourself is essential, even if it’s just casualfanart on tumblr. Feedback can’t come without exposure, and exposure can’t comewithout self-promotion.

Lastly, remind yourself that there’s nosuch thing as ‘bad art’. That might sound like a stupid statement, but inreality art is a constantly changing thing. There is no pinnacle of perfection,no model artwork that represents the most perfect drawing out there. Everyonehas different styles, everyone has different approaches, and most importantly,everyone is still improving. I’m still learning and trying to improve my ownart, and there’s no shame in that. It’s easy to perceive someone else’s art asbetter than yours which would lead to some self-critical thoughts, but you haveto remember that the other artist is probably looking at their own art andpicking it apart, thinking “aw man there are so many mistakes here.” It’s fineto make mistakes, after all, that’s how we learn. Just because we see mistakesin our own art doesn’t mean that everyone else will too – nobody looks at artand their first thought is to list all of the mistakes present. As long as youare aware of what you are less confident in and actively work to improve it,you can quickly surpass even the people you look up to.

So yeah, sorry that this is hella longlol, but in all honestly I can understand what you’re going through. It’seasier said than done, but even though it might feel hard - don’t give up. Youmight feel like you’re not getting anywhere at the moment but I assure you thatif you just keep going, things will only get better. That’s the thing abouttumblr, if you keep posting art your audience can only grow. For now, I would definitelyrecommend joining some networks, and making some friends. It’s not uncommon forpeople to promo their own work in the network chat occasionally, as long as youdon’t spam haha

Anywho, I wish you the best of luck withyour art journey. If you need me you know where to find me 💕💕💕

[imissyoulilgucciv]

So this has become more of a journal/grief thing which is interesting because I’ve also had a blogger but set to private since like 13 so thats intense and I have thousands of compulsive letters to no one, but my head just doesn’t seem to sort itself out, unless I can actually slow down enough, like right here. 

Today, 

Woke up 2 hours earlier than usual so I could have 1.5 hours more to instal my art, the word art makes me uncomfortable which is funny to me, so I went to install my thing but there was an accident so instead I got there with 30 mins, I got most of it done but not all, didn’t matter it was an inprogress crit and I could enough up to see. I always have so much in my head and I also used text this time which I thought was also funny because when talked about they called it poetry and I just didn’t even look at it like that 

I feel like this is the first project I didn’t stress over at all, but also had a lot of time to do it and no pressure from the teacher with harsh deadlines or anything so that was part of it, the other part is being in such a place of discomfort and shock that I have to be slow and I don’t have it in me to add any more chaos to the grief I’m feeling. So for me that is actually one benefit of this, its just saying fuck it to a lot of things, but in good ways. 

 my teacher cried during my crit which made me feel just great, and then I didn’t get a parking ticket but I should have, so I was excited and left but then went back to remove my shit and photo and then I went to get my car and bring it closer for the camera (long story) but I drove my car back in a slightly different spot and then still got a ticket because  the chalk was still on my wheels even though I was gone for at least an hour and a half. but whatever theres like 4 hours worth of “work”, not my biggest worries though. 

Then I busted my phone, my thoughts were oh well now I have an excuse for not wanting to respond to this persons text about hanging out.  

so i go get my old phone to see if I should still use that one, and ofcorse doing this leads me to 1 years worth of messages with gus. The struggle is real, I can’t even cry because this is so overwhelming, I knew it was always hard, and I was different this time around because I Was pushing back, but like you just see the back and forward nature and gus is like “im done” this is too much for me and then the next day or same day its like hopeful for the future we have and even one that was a super cute photo of like flower people (to me it was super sexual but he didn’tn notice this until I pointed it out then we joked  about being watered) but he said he wouldn’t worry any more and that he was sure no matter where we ended up we’d do something good or something like that, something that could make a small difference or whatever and that is heartbreaking, then you know the next day all over again fast and furious and I imagine how exhausting that was for gus, it’s overwhelming and I Feel in my state of greif I can understand BUT from the point of view that I have a reason to feel these ways which is much easier than to have a seemingly perfect life, beautiful face, no visible problems and people think stop whining or whatever and you feel crazy as shit because nothing feels right but nothing is wrong except you. Thats not a good feeling. Thats the invisible wheel chair. I just wish I had done so many different things, and said so many different things, I started joining in on the upset because I Wasn’t going to do that this time, I was being hurt to so lots of fuck you’s and I love yous and its fucking nuts, its all nuts, and this was the last time... I had no idea what I was in for. I could have done better but I was too involved, and also blinded by optimism. you don’t know whats in someones head and I forgot while gus was honest, he also had a way of only discolosing certain info, I thought he didn’t do that with me but in reality I can see now he did, just like he picked and chose what to tell his therapist about me, so that my image was protected. Gus was odd in that way, to protect my image because of how he felt, and its not that he was protecting his image to me, but I know he did want us to work out and he was giving me his best sides, and I loved those sides, and to think I got all the good, and yet still by the day, maybe week, maybe once a month you name it we would have really confusing fights where he would insit on withdrawing and I should have let him, I should have understood it was TOO much like he said I mean I thought I felt it was too much too, but like then it comes down to the I dont want to live without you 

and he realizes he can’t live with me 

and he doesn’t want to keep hurting me or his mom, and he realizes he could actually really hurt either one of us when he’s not making any sense 

and its exhausting back and forth, one week feels like a fucking month, and I think his whole teen/adult life was like that, it was super condensed and super fast. He did travel, he did live in a commune for a period, dual citizenship, went through a good amount of personality growth and interests, and the last being one that I respect a lot, permaculture, and then the things that stayed the same with him like the inside jokes and the laughing, his clenliness and interest in some rap with the perfect lyrics and same taste in music, so loving, so embracing. 

I can’t read these and think its over, I still open the door to his room when I get home and I think Hey Gus I’m back!! and I want to tackle him and give him all the hugs and kisses. The thing is we never had that though, I mean I never came home here, this was never my home, always a place I felt welcome but I didn’t live here, and I didn’t come here like every day nor usually when I was done with school, there would be times wher eI’d come but he would greet me at the front door, so this coming into the room and him being there is a fantasy I’ve created, Its the one where I think god like why couldn’t this be how it was, why couldn’t we have been this ideal happy family.. why did you have to leave, and why did I go so hard on you, and I know it wasn’ my choice but I really I’m so stubborn I can’t get over it I can’t forgive myself, I can’t thin it couldn’t have been different because it could have, and it wasn’t and I was part of that circle. I failed in ways I wasn’t aware of but I still feel accountable. 

So now to complete my overwhelming day, 

to see the medium perform ! Gus I hope you come, Ive been talking outloud to him, it comforts me, I think now Im going to be crazy lady , the one that doesn’t talk to cats but talks to the deceased bf. 

Its a disaster. I can’t be the same. I feel so wrong, but also free in all my wrongness because I can say piss off, I’m still working on  my piss of people pleasing skills because it just happens, I get nervous, then adrenaline that allows me to perform instead of being myself, or how I Feel. instead I can only use words and when my expression doesn’t match people don’t take me seriously, how can I blame them ?

I just miss you, 

I have a bracelet from the women in my group, she said she thought of me, that means so much to me, it says “my story isn’t over yet” super cliche but the intention and the person behind it just makes me cry because we share the worst thing imaginable. Blessed. although I’m not sure how to ever wear it because its a set size metal bangle type which never fit my wrists. 

I feel pretty nuts when I write like this, but I’d rather be here than having real friends and feeling like im going to have a melt down. I can’t cry right now even after reading those texts, I don’t know how I feel. I’m confused and upset but its numbing today. 

I do think gus was Bipolar which was what he said the first time around, he had actually been diagnosed, but that fell through, which I partically wonder if that was my influence on him and unfortunately I think between me and drug counceling he was oppossed to understanding the benefit of medication/or even necessity, and also the benefits of being diagnosed so proper treatment can at least be attempted, even though, unfortunately, the books just don’t always work. Like the book of parenting, or relationships because  I Was all wrong, and I have to think from the side of being with someone mentally ill, while I knwo I can’t be treated like crap, most of the time gus wasn’t treating me poorly other than making me hurt by the break ups and while I knew sometimes it was him being withdrawn and worried about how I felt, or being paranoid and we’d be okay sometimes it wasn’t that easy and my emotions would also take over so I’d believe him entirely and I’d be very hurt because it would always be very sudden. if only wed gotten help sooner, but I think again this time he was actually doing everything by the “book” all at once, he was invested in his interests, he was working out, he had a routine, a loving girlfriend, he was sober, seeking help.. 

and then he looses his shit with me and we think okay moving therapy up 

then he looses his shit with his mom 

then he’s gone 

it doesn’t feel good when you’re doing all the “right” things, thats why I said he wasn’t patient, you expect results, tired of hurting people and tired of feeling hurt, overwhelmed and the fucking pyshcotic voices convincing you of things that make no sense and go against what is actually true, the ones that tell you we’d be better off without you. the ones that told you I was lying or only using you, or whatever

IT wasn’t fair for you or us, and this is the price for all of it. We’d do anything to have you back. I still would have rather been taken out first, but that isn’t what happened. I need your mom to have something from you, I have my dreams but she is sinking and needs to hear something, what is “real” doesn’t matter because to me, whats there is real, just like your delusions, they were real.