#im not saying it works for everyone and im not saying you should go around with most things saying your self-dx-es
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Born Too Late - Chapter 12
pairing/au: neighbor!joel x reader // no outbreak
Warnings: none I can think of for this specific chapter but still no minors. lmk if there should be some.
Summary: Days after Joel apologized, you're still weighing your options. He asks you if you can take Sarah home for him, and you enjoy your afternoon with her. (2.1k+)
a/n: hiiiii. so this is just a lil filler chapter i guess. i wanted reader to bond more with sarah. also didnt want to jump right back into joel because he was not kind. sorry if theres typos/formatting issues. both nights i worked on this i was sleepy as hell. ill try to get one-two more out before next week! im headed out of town and when i get back classes are starting. xoxo
Chapter 11 - Masterlist - Chapter 13 (coming soon)
The weekend flys by quicker than you’d like. Your alarm rings and you groggily turn it off, sequencing the day before crawling to the kitchen and starting a pot of coffee. The aroma fills your house while you shower, washing the events of the past 4 days away for the millionth time.
You haven’t heard from Joel but you aren’t bothered by it. You appreciate that he’s giving you the space and time, but you have a weird complex surrounding him. You’ve seen how good he can be to you, to Sarah, to others- but you’ve also seen how unpleasant he can be. You try not to think about it on the way to work, but you see him loading his truck up when you head out. He throws up a small wave with a smile, you nod back. Unlocking the car door, you throw everything into the passenger seat and set your travel mug in the cup holder, and head to work.
The day is pretty uneventful. The kids are wild but it’s expected after a longer break. You take it as an opportunity to go back over rules and expectations in the classroom, and even turn it into a game. You don’t have lunch duty today so you head back to your room to eat and hear your phone ring from inside your desk.
New Message From: Joel
Your stomach flips.
Late notice but anyway you can bring Sarah home today and keep her at my house until I finish up? Theres a key under the flowerpot on the porch, you can keep it just in case. I’m gonna be home later than expected. I'd really appreciate it.
As nervous as you are to be in Joel’s house, to have a fucking key to his house, you don’t even have to think about it. Because the answer for Sarah is always yes.
Hey! Sure thing. Do you want me to give her dinner?
You click send and anxiously wait on a response, scarfing your lunch down before you have to go get your class.
Ding
Dinner would be great, and help yourself to anything you want. Theres chicken nuggets, pizza, and some leftover pasta. Sarah really struggled to get up this morning so she’ll need to be in bed before I get home. I shouldn’t be any later than 9 or so, so bedtime around 8:30 at the latest.
Before you can respond, you have to head to the cafeteria to get your class. They all walk groggily down the hallway back to class, bellies full and eyes tired.
The rest of the day drags. You do independent reading, recess, and a little social studies before the secretary drops the afternoon notes off.
“Kiya, you’re a car rider today” you say, looking at her to make sure she heard you. “Dylan you’re going home with Oliver, and Sarah, you’re riding home with me.” Dylan and Oliver high five and Sarah smiles and nods.
“Why does Sarah always get to go home with you?” a voice from the back of the class exclaims.
“Sarah is my neighbor! And sometimes her dad has to work late so I take her home until he gets home.” Before you can pinpoint who asked, the bell rings.
“Have a good afternoon everyone! Remember to fill out your reading log!” You say over the shuffle of feet and echos of voices.
Sarah knows the routine, so she pulls a book out of her backpack and sits quietly reading until its time to go.
In the car, she asks for the Spice Girls and you both jam out the whole way home.
You pull into your driveway first. “I thought I could grab my nail polish and we could do a girls day at your house. How’s that sound?” you say. Sarahs eyes light up, and she begins vigorously shakingher head up and down.
She follows you into your house. “We won’t be here long” you declare, walking down the hallway. “So leave your shoes on!” You notice her look at the flowers on your counter, the ones from Joel.
You’re walking back up the hall, nail polish in hand. As soon as Sarah sees you she blurts “Are these from my dad?” her head cocked to the side, her eyes wide. “They are. Why do you ask?” she turns her head back upright, and a grin spreads across her face. “No reason.” She says giggling, and walking back out the door. You roll your eyes and follow behind her.
You pull into Joel’s driveway and turn the car off. Sarah jumps out. “How are we gonna get in?” she asks, inquisitively.
“Your dad left a key under the flower pot!” You tell her as she heads to the front door while you grab your purse and the bag of nail polishes.
Once inside, you shoot Joel a quick text just to let him know you’ve got Sarah and are home.
Hey Joel, just wanted to let you know that we’re home. Are you sure about the key? And is there anything specific I need to know about her night routine?
You set your phone down and sit at the island with Sarah, setting out all the nail polishes. She picks a deep purple with sparkles. You pick a baby blue. The color reminding you of the hydrangeas that your mother used to grow. You let Sarah paint yours first. She’s quiet; heavily focused on perfecting her technique.
She finishes your hands and the look great, especially for her age. Before you can do hers, yours need to dry. You tell her she can grab a snack and work on homework until its her turn, that way she can watch TV after dinner. She jumps up and grabs some chips and her backpack.
Ding
You pick your phone up, skimming Joels response.
Yes, I’m sure about the key. Id rather you have it and not need it than not have it and need it. As for nightime, nothing really. No TV past 7:30, and she needs to shower and read before bed.
You send a quick “Got it, see you in a few hours!” and sit your phone back down. You help Sarah with her math homework. It’s not your strong suit but you get the job done.
After about an hour, she finishes her homework and its her turn.
“Are you enjoying the school year so far?” you ask, painting a thin layer of purple on each of her fingers
“It’s better now. It kind of wasn’t good at the beginning..” her voice trails off, and she looks down. You dont question her, or push her to tell you why. You already know why. “But its gotten a lot better since being in your class” she says, looking up and smiling. “Im glad!” you say, fanning her nails with your hands so the first layer will dry. She continues talking about school, her favorite subjects and her friends. You’re so thankful to have her. She’s like the little sister you never had. Her kindness radiates into everyone she comes into contact with, and her smile brightens a room.
“Pizza, chicken nuggets, or pasta?” You ask her. It’s 6:00 so you know if she wants time for TV, dinner needs to happen.
“Mmmm can I have chicken nuggets?” she asks
“Sure! And do you want carrots or cucumbers with it?” You ask, pulling the nuggets from the freezer for her and the pasta from the fridge for yourself. She sticks her tongue out. “Can I have broccoli instead? Dad buys the frozen bag ones, they’re in the freezer I think.” She says. “Of course!”
You preheat the oven, and line a cookie sheet with foil. You line up 10 chicken nuggets and stick them in once the oven beeps. You throw the broccoli in the microwave. The scent of the 2 filling the house, making your stomach grumble.
You put 5 nuggets on Sarahs tray to start, along with a scoop of broccoli and some strawberries. Your pasta beeps in the microwave and you pull it out, sitting down beside Sarah. Few words are exchanged during dinner, but its a comfortable silence. You’re both content with the humming of the refrigerator.
Dinner finishes and 7:00 comes quick. You tell Sarah she can have TV until 7 but then its shower and reading. Sarah turns the TV on to Cartoon Network, and you put the 3 nuggets Sarah didnt eat into a bowl and stick it in the fridge, along with the remaining strawberries and broccoli.
Washing dishes is such a daunting task to most, but not to you. Its therapeutic, the warmth of the water and the mindfullness of the task. Each dish you wash, each plate you clean, feels like a small act of care—care for Joel’s home, care for yourself, and even care for those who will use the dishes next. As the last plate is washed and the sink is cleared, there’s a sense of quiet accomplishment.
Sarah finishes her show and heads straight for the shower, you wipe the counters down and check your phone.
New Message From: Joel
Should be home by 9:30. Do you need anything from the store?
You smile. Joel’s thoughtfulness is something you missed. The way he anticipates your needs, and is reassuring.
No thanks, Im good. But I appreciate it. Drive careful.
You hear the shower water turn off and grab Sarahs books and reading log from her backpack. You pull out a book about Egypt, and the first book in the Boxcar Children series. You smile, remembering reading the same book with your mom before everything went to shit.
Sarahs PJs are on and shes in her room. Her nightstand light on, dimly lighting her pale pink room. You knock on the door before peaking your head in. “Hey kiddo, you alright in here?” you ask, sittingon the edge of her bed beside her legs. “Yeah, Im okay. Just really-” her sentence interrupted by the worlds biggest yawn. You laugh. “Tired.” she says, laughing with you.
You look at the clock beside her lamp
8:17
“Do you want me to put your books in your bag? I can have your dad fill out your reading log for you.” You say, standing up.
“Yes please.” Sarah says, handing her books to you. She lays down and pulls her comforter up to just below her face.
“Goodnight Sarah, see you tomorrow” you say quietly, turning her light off.
“Goodnight. Thank you for always hanging out with me. She says, turning over.
You turn around, smiling. Closing her door gently behind you.
You log her reading and put her things back in her backpack, peaking at the time.
8:46
Not bad you think to yourself. You finish cleaning the kitchen, sweeping and wiping the stovetop. You then settle into the comfiest fucking couch ever, turning on One Tree Hill. You grab a blanket and it smells like Joel. You wrap yourself up in it, inhaling deeply. Your eyes slowly begin to drift. You fight until you cant and drift into a hazy slumber.
“Hey darlin”
“Im home, it’s time to wake up”
You startle awake, throwing the blanket off and jumping up.
“Woah woah. I ain’t mean to scare ya girl” Joel says, laughing. He walks away, holding a handful of groceries.
“Hey. Sorry, you scared me.” You say, folding the blanket and throwing it back on the couch.
“How’d it go?” Joel asks, putting groceries in the fridge.
“Good! We did each others nails this afternoon and she really enjoyed that.” you say quietly. It’s not awkward being with Joel, but it doesn’t feel like it used to.
“She ate 7 chicken nuggets, 2 helpings of broccoli, and some strawberries. She also read for probably 20ish-30 minutes. I filled out her log already, she was really tired.” You say, turning to grab your bags and put your shoes on.
“Hey, thank you, again. For all that you do for Sarah.” He begins, “Her mom is around but she isn’t very consistent so I think it really helps to have another positive female figure in her life.” He finishes, smiling.
“I told you, it’s really no problem. Im glat to help when I can.” You say lightly, walking to grab your keys off the entryway table and opening Joel’s from door.
“Oh I almost forgot” Joel says, walking toward you. “I know you said you didn’t need nothin’ but I just wanted to get ya somethin’ to say thank you. He opens a grocery bag and pulls out a 4 pack of blueberry muffins.
“Joel, you didn’t have to do that.” You say, taking them from his hand.
“Oh don’t worry about it. You always are here for Sarah and I cant thank ya enough.” He says, smiling.
“How’d you know blueberry was my favorite?” you ask, raising an eyebrow.
“Lucky guess” he says, chuckling.
“Well, goodnight Joel. Thank you again for the muffins.” You say, opening the door.
“Goodnight Yellow.” He says, smiling and waving as you pull the door behind you.
#joel miller#joel miller x reader#joel miller fic#last of us#neighbor joel x reader#neighbor joel#pedro pascal#joel miller x you#the last of us#neighbor!joel#joel x reader#daddy joel#joel miller fanfiction#joel miller x f!reader#my writing
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i feel like im not making any sense but does anyone else feel like there are stories that let u run with them and ones that spell everything out for you
#im reading that post that says artists are directors of audience reaction and not its dictator:#'you cannot guarantee that everyone viewing your work will react as you are trying t make them react. a good artist knows that this is what#allows work to breath. by definition you cannot have art where the viewer brings nothing to the table ... this is why you have to let go of#the urge to plainly state in text exactly how you think the work should be interpreted ... its better to be misinterpreted sometimes than#to talk down to your audience. you wont even gain any control that way; people will still develop their opinions no matter what you do#im thinking abt this again cuz i was thinking maybe the thing that lets adventure time work so well the way it does is cuz it doesnt#take itself too seriously that it gives the audience enough room to fuck with subtext and then fuck with them back yknow. i think it was#mentioned somewhere that they werent even planning to run with the postapocalyptic elements that are hinted in the show but changed their#mind after the one off with the frozen businessmen and dominoed into marcy and simons backstory. on the other side there are stories that#explain too much to let the story speak for itself and i think it ends up having to do more with the crew trying to lead ppl in a certain#direction than expand on what they have and i see a lot of this with miraculous. like when interviews and tweets are used as word of god in#arguments and it becomes a little stifling to play around with it knowing the creator can just interject. u can say its the crews effort to#engage with its audience but it feels more like micromanaging. and none of this is to say there ISNT room for stories that spell things out#theyre just suited for different things. if sesame street tried abstract approaches to themes and nuance itd be counterproductive#a lot of things fly over my head so i need help picking things apart to get it- but it doesnt have to be from the story itself. ive picked#picked up or built on my own interpretations listening to other ppl share their thoughts which creates conversation around the same thing#sometimes stories will spell things out for you without being so obvious abt it that it feels like its woven into the text. my fav example#for this might be ATLA using younger characters as its main cast but instead of feeling like its dumbed down for kids to understand why war#is bad its framed from a childs point of view so younger audiences can pick up on it by relating to the characters. maybe an 8 year old#wont get how geopolitics works but at least they get 'hey the world is a little more complicated than everyone vs. fire nation'. same for#steven universe bc its like theyre trying to describe and put feelings into words that kids might not have so they have smth to start with#especially with the metaphors around relationships bc even if it looks unfamiliar as a kid now maybe the hope is for it to be smth you can#look back to. thats why it feels like these shows grew up with me.. instead of saving difficult topics for 'when im ready for it'#as if its preparing me for high school it gave me smth to turn in my hands and revisit again and again as i grow. stories that never#treated u as dumb all along. just someone who could learn and come back to it as many times as u need to. i loved SU for the longest time#but i felt guilty for enjoying it hearing the way ppl bash it. bc i was a kid and thought other ppl understood it better than me and made#feel bad for leaning into the message of paying forward kindness and not questioning why steven didnt punish the diamonds or hold them#accountable. but im rewatching it now and going oh. i still love this show and what it was trying to teach me#yapping#diary
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still thinking of my fave marvel rivals interaction where my jeff and i were hanging on the point after knocking out the other team and lil bro sprays the space in front of me and emotes and we both said thank you at the same time like i fear im never forgetting that ever
#marvel rivals#snap chats#i made the strangest delighted sound afterwards dare i say it was wholesome 😭almost cried sorry im a big baby#of course afterwards we had to go back to Murder but still ... ill never forget you my finny friend....#havent had an exp like that since .... i hope to tho ...#closest i got is sometimes my wanda will look me up and down- maybe strafe a lil but thats about it#wait no you know what my fave thing is .. i do love Lowkey babying wandas on my team vaeJLKVJAELKJ i am not sorry#LIKE AS A TANK OF COURSE i try to prioritize the main team but if everyones fine ill usually hover around her#i keep an especial eye on her ok listen she gives me big energy sword i give her magnet shields its MUTUALISM#anyway i wanted to draw the jeff story out but i keep getting swamped with stuff so. alas. youll just have to imagine#if it helps jeff was wearin the dolphin costume and yeah i threw up from cuteness. esp with the lil beach ball ....#Big Ass Scary Magneto and lil baby jeff simultaneous Thank You ... its the little things i fear ...#a part of it helps that magneto can just sound so Polite with these voice lines LMAO#like his 'Hello' tickles me it's so Hello There :) .. like a distinguished gentleman ... like a grandpa who SOMETIMES gives you a casserole#thats his whole vibe tbh i wanted to make a post bout it- how mags def has Father/Grandfather To All energy and i love it#hes not even the oldest in the roster far from it.. lol.. visually he looks the oldest#if i may quote him tho .. Save Perhaps Thor ... He May Be His Equal in that regard AJELKVJAEKLJ BUT ANYWAY#im off to work on a thing#i should have it done tomorrow and i can finally share it (among other joys) with everyone :]
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she’s so proud of herself…
#forgot all about this bonus till i rearranged my merch drawer earlier lmao#[sighs and adds to the chizuchan raws folder]#[pokes ani.mate] still no vol 2 bonuses yet…?#i hope there’s a wholesome and/or funny vol 2 bonus to offset chapters 6 and 7 (delusional)#i dont think i’ll tl the bonus manga (if there’s actually one) for vol 2 thoughhhh. im still soooooo far behind on idolsengen#in fact im so far behind that i organised my merch drawer as a means of procrastination… s i g h s#though it seems that i have more mona merch than i thought lmao.#kinda thinking of tling the volume summaries of idolsengen thoughhhh. it never crossed my mind to do it till now tbh#(the summary bits at the back of the volumes arent included with the ebook)#but aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ani.mate bonus announcements w h e n#they’re p consistent with bonuses so…#all of the artist’s previous hw manga vols ([redacted] manga included) came with bonus manga so…#a n d all 5 of idolsengen’s vols came with a bonus shikishi (s o b s) sooooooooo#no clue about the dolce manga though… that ended eons ago…#but i gotta say… the dolce manga is kinda similar in vibes to the chizuchan manga#it’s all fun and games for a while then suddenly *the plot* hits you like a truck#especially with the fuuma-centric chapters at the end of each volume… the shirayuki siblings… man.#fuuma crossdressing to look like his sister to make her dream of becoming an idol come true (if only in appearance)…#shiina being so loved by everyone around her and *so* close to becoming an idol herself…#and fuuma having to face the reality that he may not get to help his sister live out her idol dreams in the way he wants to for much longer…#…yeah. i miss dolce…#…no clue where im going with this bc this was supposed to be about chizuchan manga bonuses but here’s where we’ve ended up ig#anyways read the dolce manga. it’s good for your skin (lies)#(jk but the *plot* part of the dolce manga plot is heartbreaking. everyone should read it)#chizuchan manga 🤝 idolsengen 🤝 dolce manga: hw idol series manga with a hard-hitting *plot* underneath the frills and ribbons and silliness#(though granted idolsengen is usually only silly in the bonus chapters. thank you moge for your hard work)#o k that’s enough thinking for 1 day; back to sobbing over the shirayuki sibs
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Current Events in Silm fandom rlly reinforce my feeling that, despite claiming an ethos of acceptance/tolerance of anything that doesn't hurt ppl, a lot of ppl in the section of Silm fandom I frequent do follow a set of socially-agreed-upon mores about what concepts are "not acceptable" to discuss or propose (or the ways in which certain topics must be discussed to be acceptable), that you all seem to have agreed on despite the things those mores restrict not being harmful to anyone.
And when someone does say smth that violates those mores, the response is disproportionate to the amount of harm done (which is typically none, imo). I know it's tempting to say "but we just want people to be comfortable and safe", but treating ppl badly for the sin of sharing thoughts you dislike is NOT the same as preventing people from doing things that are harmful. The former is much more of a harmful behavior than the sharing of the thoughts that sets it off. Fannish etiquette, people: you shouldn’t act like someone’s meta makes them morally suspect just because you disagree with it; save the “this is morally bad” for things that are ACTUALLY harmful. We're all stuck on this website together & if you want to have any sort of community, you need to ACT like you're in a community, and that means letting other people say things you dislike. Block them if you need to! I block people all the time because i know it's better for me AND for them if we can both blog in peace.
I am not particularly comfortable with the young-queer-on-tumblr silm fandom rn due to this tendency to rebuke things that are uncomfortable rather than harmful. Maybe that's fine with you. But if your goal is to make all fans feel comfortable and accepted, you need to actually do that. If your goal is to make people who share your unwritten rules comfortable in your space, you need to admit that, and write those rules down, and curate your space so it follows them.
Edited 8:10am PST to clarify the specifics of the behavior I find concerning.
#mine#if there had been Actual Harm done i'd feel differently#but when ppl are this worked up over 'what if [female character] was Also a bad person in a way that's reprehensible to our current morals'#and start going ‘hm this person is morally suspect for their Taste In Fiction’ im like. yikes! and you do this in the War Crimes Fandom?!#and like listen i Get that esp in this fandom there's a high incidence of like. ppl who are genuinely bigoted and stuff#and it can be stressful to see stuff that reminds you of that bigotry and the way those ppl use the work to justify their own worldview#but that STILL doesn't give anyone the right to police stuff that Isn't Bigoted. that's just not how this works.#and then in terms of 'well it's not policing it's just disagreeing' i have to say. that's where Etiquette comes in and i'm frankly#unhappy & annoyed that so many ppl in my age group seem to care more about being Right than being comfortable to share a fannish space with#but again whatever maybe they don't want me in their space. that's fine! i don't want to be in your space if it doesn't want me.#but i wish they'd fucking ADMIT THAT instead of going 'ooooh we accept everyone' and then turning around#and censuring ppl whose ideas they find icky. you can't have it both ways is all i'm saying. pick one and actually do it. for all our sakes#haha i might regret this tomorrow but i'm sooooo sleep-deprived and so annoyed#sorry to my non-silm followers it's just that i'm right and i should say it
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twitter is entering their "rts > likes" phase now that likes are private after they spent years calling us ungrateful for being demotivated by ratios lmao
#man fuck yall just support artists you enjoy#dont attack people who dont rb/rt your art (hell they might even have it scheduled) but also dont constantly demand ''content'' from people#ESPECIALLY without telling them that you appreciate the effort they put in to show you cool things they made for free#you should've been rt'ing/rb'ing from the START 😒 just show people you care!#im just waiting to scroll through post after post of ppl calling out ''entitled artists'' lmao#btw my opinion on the whole thing is painfully neutral if you couldnt tell#i dont think you should care that much about numbers and ppl take it wayyyyyy too far#throwback to that one guy who personally @ everyone who didnt reblog their art that was CRAZY. i would straight up report you KJFGHKG#i also understand and have personally experienced how much engagement can change your mood#a simple ''i love this!'' can make someone's day. it's not hard to understand why ppl like engagement#when they make post after post without so much as a little tag they dont care about sharing anymore#the fact that people call that ''entitlement'' is also crazy#i have a lot of drawings i havent posted or just left nonrebloggable bc it really doesnt make a difference lmao#the only ones i leave rebloggable are the ones that i Know will do well and get attention. like the little pig redraw#if it's cute or funny it gets positive attention. anything else is shit on here lmao#it's just not as fun to share. it either leads to no engagement or negative engagement#would rather have nothing than something rude so whatever#some ppl say it's always been like this but no it absolutely was not always like this#idk what exactly caused the change. probably a lot of factors#could even just be the fandoms i hang around in! but considering i've seen the same sentiment from a bunch of ppl i doubt it's that#the best solution to no engagement is to just make friends and have fun#but 90% of the internet is hostile and negative and rude for no fucking reason#when i unfollowed someone on my old public twitter and they @ me over it. damn i dont know why but NOW i know why 😭#this post has gone way off course im just ranting at this point. i havent talked in a while hi how have you guys been#work was a lot yesterday and today is too slow (im not at work im just going crazy in my house)#(and i cant leave my house bc there's construction blocking the road someone save me)#chat
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The way that the sun hits leaves and clouds. I feel like I could watch the colors change forever. If I could slow down for that long.
#i keep forgetting a have a deck now. i can go outside and sit there#im doing that now. sitting in the corner of a deck full of empty chairs. staring up at a big pine tree where the sun is striking it gold#at the top. i like how thr light hits the needles. if the sky was black it would look like its on fire#theres a tree outside my bedroom window too. in the morning. after the sunrises it catches thr light and refelcts the most perfect shade#of green. the kind of green that flutters translucent like youre looking up from the bottom of a pool. the light the light its all about#the sun. everything everything is about the sun. when i start my project I'll be focused on understanding how organisms catch the light bc#its so incredible and complicated it would make my chest swell to bursting if there wasnt an empty bleeding wound in my gut. a#metaphorical wound of course. i dunno. its just difficult bc right now my mood is inflated by hormones. not even that much i think I'm#just at what shoulf be a normal level of happiness so i can be slow for a minute. but just a minute bc i kno it won't last long#sorry i cant shut the fuck up when im like this but i dunno i just feel like i havr to document these ephemeral moments before they're gone#its just difficult when you kno the world is so full of beautiful things but 95% of the time your eyes are too clouded to see it#everyone tells me i work too much but i feel like im just staring off into space being miserable 60% of the time. ive just done so much#damage over the past few years im coming into a new lab as damaged goods. ive got an albatross around my neck in thr form of data i#collected so self destructively that the idea of having anything to do with its publication makes me hate myself. everytime someone tells#me good job on collecting so so so much data it feels like they're congratulating me for breaking something within myself. like i slit my#wrists and bled out on a lab bench and theyre saying good job and theyre excited for me and i have to grin and bear it and pretend im#excited too. but im not bc ive burned everything inside me to ash. so when im elevated enough to be distracted by the clouds and trees it#feels like healing. like seeing angels. beautiful ephemeral beams of light. i wish i could slow down enough to watch them. but now thr sun#is hitting the horizon and the sky is going gradually dark and i should go inside. bc i have many things to do in the morning. so that's#what ill do. and ill try to get more thsn 6hrs of sleep but its hard when your body is vibrating over with energy#but at least i dont feel tired in the morning. something in my head must be on fire#unrelated#hm i should maybe add a tw to this#tw self injury#but its the kind thst makes u good at ur Job. its the kind ppl reward. so they don't understand when u say its destroying ur life#but im trying to get better. i say as i gear up for an insane semester lol but i do mean it
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Who up listening to good luck babe by chappell roan and having it resonate not in the way intended but resonating nonetheless. About to go ham in the tags about the overlap of being a lesbian and being aromantic...if u even care....
#my art#gore#organs#its 2am so not a lot of this is going to be very coherent but this song makes me feel a lot of things about it all#like. its the Expectations#the expectation that im going to date men and the expectation that im going to date at all have always felt equally stifling#theres that feeling of not trying hard enough or not realizing it at first or trying to lean into what you're told you should feel#and having it not pay off time and time again and wishing you could just make it work#because everyone else around you has it just fine and you dont get why you're struggling with it so much#THERE ARE MORE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN THE TWO IS WHAT IM SAYING#like obviously figuring out aromanticism is especially weird because its a lack of something BUT THEYRE PRETTY SIMILAR#realizing I dont want to date anyone mirrors realizing I didn't like boys but like. idk man its worse sometimes?#I wouldn't trade it for the world it means a lot to me but its almost like people go out of their way not to understand it sometimes#at the end of the day I am the you in that song#it was a very very long road to being okay with never falling in love because that was something I wanted for a very very long time#at the end of the day I will never have to be someones wife and I think its better that way#but its also hard not to get jealous sometimes#like I know its irrational I know I get physically ill at just the thought of being asked out but like#sometimes ill see my friends with their girlfriends and ill feel like clawing my own chest out with want#but also if anyone asks me out I will have to dig myself into a pit and never come out. I think.#I want to be with women but I dont want to Be With Women if that makes sense#its another layer of difficulty that I dont think I'll ever be able to get past#I feel like at this point I should just be trying to conditioning myself out of any form of desire because its just not an option for me#which definitely isn't true and like chappell roan says. you'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling.#but its also so tiring to have to sit here with the feeling and feel bad for having the feeling.#I dont know#I think if I felt a little more or a little less I’d be fine but I’m stuck in the middle#it feels very weird talking about this openly but also its very difficult to talk about with friends because most of them dont get it#anyways something something Josies monologue from bottoms#im going to bed
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ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.
#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out#not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her#like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool#it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun#i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again#but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too#to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together#thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything.#and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all#like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing.#im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad#and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do#and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends#im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for#but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen#to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it#i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and#decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space'#when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen#and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree#but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most#and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen#and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway#so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me#which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its#crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it#idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her#i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of#resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different#and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has
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(Out of nowhere, you are approached by a familiar lightbulb-headed Cog.)
Ah, it's you, cat. Thinking you're oh-so-slick. Muttering and whispering under those raggedy whiskers of yours... Thinking I am unable to hear it all...
Well, you've simply underestimated my fantastic hearing. You probably want to know the reason why I'm here, taking a 'break' from my incredibly important scientific breakthroughs? It's quite simple, really!
(She gets close, and squints her eyes.)
I know what you are.
Farewell, now!
(She then leaves the way she came from.)
(Spam giggles immensely, covering her face... it always seems like she's giggling, isn't she? This lasts... at least thirty seconds. Longer than usual.)
And I know what I am too, Sparky! You broke through something, that's for sure. Really, broke through...
(She looks down, continuing to laugh nervously.)
You know, I find it odd you Havent tried to bulb blast me into the stratosphere by now. I mean knowing how you acted with Frostbite. Is there something peculiar about me that you perhaps can't quite track? Something about me that you... don't know what I am?
I know, I know, I'm talking to nobody again. But you were there when I had a moment today with the one the only Frostbite The Bravecog. You may be remaining. Lurking in the shadows. Knowing about these thoughts that I'm thinking.
(The giggling resumes, lasting far shorter this time.)
Your brother's a piece of fucking barp, by the way
(She braces for impact for a few seconds, wincing while smiling, before comically looking around to realize nobody's there. She sighs.)
Wow, okay maybe toony superhero show logic doesn't apply in this situation. Cool.
WAIT I JUST FUCKING REALIZED WHAT SHE MEANT but like. Dude if she meant that then what's the point I mean the whole ahh sellbot department barping knows unless you're Really low on the ladder. Heheh... maybe she did mean what I thought she meant.
Oh i'm so fucking screwed. What kind of bitch gets filament fever
#bright spark#<- for finding this again later. haha i called her sparky#the way she talks fucking tickles my brain so much im so . ohguohguohoghog SHE#SORRY THAT THIS TOOK SO LONG you see i was in the mindset that i would do this one little thing and then i would do my work which uh.#that leads to so so SO much procrastination. including on fun things! oh so fun things.#today was an event.#i also spent quite a bit of time ruminating i “would she really say that” is worse when shes literally you#to clarify. she is spam's aunt by like. building standards. not really in her found family. so its fucked up but as i said in discord this#is like. a “your mom's kinda hot” level crush. you know. also sorry i really wanted to say filament fever its been eating at me okay#nothing SERIOUS the way my f/os (and spam's f/os (plural now?? i guess?? if today was a canon event)) are#honestly mark still feels like the only real one with her to me but damn it. if spam's reflecting My Changes then she's Reflecting My Chang#spam in toontown unlike my other sonas is the most “its just you again” out of all of them and thats partially because her main#cog connection... is frostbite. they bounce off each other like we literally bounce off each other and damn it shes been so stagnant on her#own because of it. mark happened and she mirrored that because i kept fucking talking about him while we were in character and ideally#i should TRY to fix her. but also man because i'm not doing Serious lore stuff with her i dont. even know if i want to.#i kinda brushed it over the rug by saying that she relies on her constant entertainment so readily because she herself still doesnt feel#like she has a place outside of cogs only. sure she's in high roller backstage sure she's in allan's family now but shes not Doing anything#with herself the way that her friends are. mole's a ranger. frostbite cohosts. wishes... has chip. and something she doesn't have--#living and fully growing as a toon. rather than being haphazardly slapped into a world. and in some respects she's envious of frostbite#finding themselves so quickly because she distracts herself because she's still kinda struggling with it. despite everything. yes she lives#happy and carefree a lot of the time but she keeps buying those dumb phones because when she's truly alone... her mind starts to wander.#that's what mark is for. so that spam can dream of a world where she has a purpose. even if its fake and fragile and just nothing compared#to the great friends that she already has. where she feels like its worth it doing something when she doesn't have anyone. and in that#respect. with the goons ma allan parallels in sonboy the spam cathal parallels shine. seeking tv (and to a lesser extent games) as a#method of escapism. even when one's life is already pretty good. because there's nothing else worth doing without friends or family.#the internet isn't just cool. it gives her something to be when it seems like everyone is something but her. and maybe thats a lazy#excuse for why it seems like she doesnt HAVE anything to call her own but that but damn it i'm trying my best to twist it around.#spam has such a HISTORY yknow? even if it feels like i havent established her much.#spam is the hearts to frostbite's spades not just because they're the duo of all time but because spam's fake stupid love keeps her going#sorry i just started rambling in the tags of this post about spam it. happens. she loves her friends so much i need to reiterate that okay
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#hello everyone how are you?#I hope everything is doing alright! from my part I can say life is treating me well lately#and I feel very light and okay#I am here mainly to get things straight#I saw an anon going around some other blogs talking about me#saying I am an hater and I shouldn’t be writing larry fics#I think this is the same anon that I blocked some weeks ago#because they told me I should not use Harry for clout (????)#and I want to say only one thing because I don’t care of defending myself on this website anymore and that is#it’s not clout and it’s not easy#being a (new) writer here is not easy because people don’t care what you do and there is definitely not clout around me#im not using harry to gain anything#if anything I am constantly questioning whether I am somehow good at writing silly stories and putting myself out there for people’s judg#*judgement. and I promise you it’s not always nice#especially when this place doesn’t like people who you don’t always agree with#especially when you are blocked by half of this side of fandom (larries because I had said something in the past that they didn’t like)#louies because im a larrie ergo I hate louis (???) and harries because i dont care about Harry as much as they do#so no I am not ashamed of writing and I am not ashamed of writing giving my characters#(that rarely have anything to do with H/L irl) thei#their names and physical features#and honestly people like you anon should definitely stop to play this stupid game of fandom police#deciding who can read what and who can write what#because this actions only affect new writers in the way that#they will be alienated. they will feel alienated#and this whatever this fandom is shouldn’t be about that#ever. you don’t know what people go through every fucking day#you definetely dont know how this sort of silencing mission you have going on#will affect people on the internet and their mental health#stop defending the imaginary people you think H/L are and start treating people in this fandom as actual human beings#and since you probably would like to know this: I am not currently working on any project because i am fucking scared of reaction like this
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"is ADHD real or have we made another category to encompass freaks and sick people who don't fit neatly into any personality disorder diagnoses and make too much eye contact for autism?" longest thread on the DSM fandom boards, closed down after 1817168179 comments when one user got doxxed for calling another the r word. (answers yes btw)
#ohhhh the fighting that will occur over words and labels#why dont you have a little meth and see if it helps your depression/ptsd/autistic sociopathy then come back to me#“ADHD is made up everyone has it now” YES!!!! ITS ALL MADE UP!!!!!!#we are hurling language at the unknowable grey mass we call consciousness and seeing what sticks#as displayed above ^^^ (autistic sociopathy->ASD) these labels come and go and its always stupid and kind of annoying and reductive#mental illness and its categories are a tool of ontology#often used as a hammer to beat those in need of help#sometimes used as an excuse for evil#but always describing Something#if everyone is getting an ADHD diagnosis and you feel like its faddish and posery#maybe interrogate why other labels come off as more legit to you#if you are defensive of your newly acquired ADHD diagnosis for more than purely practical reasons#why?#why is it important to highlight it? is there something exclusive to having this diagnosis that gets you around certain hurdles?#and if not what is it doing for you?#im being fr here cause I definitely do this in some social contexts when I can tell ive hurt someones feelings or that they are annoyed#by me for reasons I cant suss out#but like. it doesn't work. theres no additional grace people will offer you for disclosing disability#and none that youre entitled to beyond what anyone else should get#which is not me saying “bootstraps it fucko”#its me saying “why focus on carving a space of understanding and compassion for a label when we should be busting down the wall?”#if its grace you want for something it should be grace for all of us#we're all tired and pathetic#none of us can meet the deadlines#ADHD is a useful way of measuring suffering under capital#same as most other long term diagnoses#it is a gateway to getting drugs that will keep you alive#it is also a measure of relative class privilege#(if you are doctor dxd)#and an avenue for discrimination
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messing around a bit
#delete later#man i havent rly drawn for myself in a while it feels weird#trying to play around w my style lately but i dont think its getting anywhere whwhkjsdghjdg#shoutout to yuzuru if nobody's got me after burning out all of my creative juices ik hes got me#should probably go to sleep early tonight got assigned another project to work on through next week at my internship 😔#still going through a very mixed feelings stage regarding on how i see my art but ill live i guess#just. nothing is good enough. im never gonna be satisfied. i think this looks fine. this is the worst thing ive ever seen and made.#im gonna fall behind. it isnt a race. everyones already far ahead. maybe this is okay. why are you satisfied with this much its not enough.#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa being an artist am i right ! agony#well i guess lately its not that i just havent been drawing things for me but more like i cant for some reason. burnouts an asshole#even though i really really did want to make things it honestly sucked ass not being able to i rly dont know what id do if i cant draw#actually took some time for myself yesterday and walked around town a bit it was nice. pierced my ears again and treated myself#but as consequence of course i am now broke </3 unfortunate#hmmmmm idk what im saying kdjsjgdhhskgjdhsdg hope things r going well for everyone else if you're even reading this! may u have a good week#man i wish i just knew if things are gonna be okay#hngggg baru aja tiga bulan masuk balik sekolah sama udah secapek ini wkwkwkwkkwkwk payah gk sih gw ini#masih setahun lebih sampe lulus juga head in hands kenapa gk bisa tidur buat seminggu aja aaagh#ya yang penting juga gw masih hidup sih gk mau kemana-mana kyk gini#aaaaaaaaa gk mau masuk studio besokkkk mau tidurrrr#me when i have to do my job at work#i wonder what i should make for lunch and dinner tomorrow. knowing me though ill end up falling asleep as soon as i get out of the shower#sorry this is. all over the place props if you're even reading this far LOL apologies you have to see me rant a bit
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every person who says self diagnosis is bad has never actually dealt with a doctor enough times.
#im not saying it works for everyone and im not saying you should go around with most things saying your self-dx-es#but you should actually um#bring it up with your doctor that um you suspect x and y are linked :)#maybe not use the names of the illnesses themselves#but certainly manipulate them into reaching this conclusion through how you portray your symptoms#im sorry#thats the ONLY way i got diagnosed with an ulcer vs gastritis#if you think self-diagnosis is ENTIRELY wrong be grateful you're privileged enough
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fh fandom back to wishing death on a fictional teenager for being mentally ill and not learning how to cope with that in a healthy way. what else is new
#do i think klck is correct? no#do i think a fandom full of grown adults should stop holding this (manipulated) (not sound of mind) teenager to wack standards? ya#like.... some of you are... how do i say this.... ~projecting~#and dont get me wrong this isnt me trying to say shes some kind of innocent misunderstood blorbo 🥺🥺🥺#i think shes a freak and a cunt. but im going to be normal about it and NOT say that she deserves to be killed (????)#pre-overtaking she was clearly aware that her behavior wasn't healthy#the fact she even went to jawbone at all (and was honest with him!) proves that imo#personally i feel like she might be neurodivergent -> struggling with knowing which rules to break and which ones to not#we literally JUST had an episode where the principal of AAA told students to their face that studying and working hard is dumb#i think kipperlilly came to aguefort. couldn't get a grip on what they Actually wanted from her#(parents went to mumple. she couldnt have been prepared for aguefort)#and out of frustration she fixated on people who were doing well and compared herself to them#and the only major surface difference she could find? tragic backstories#it only makes sense that she'd assume that THAT is what was missing. her inability to adapt to AAA was out of her control#so instead of blaming smth abstract (neurodivergence/other mental illness)#this single. concrete. and obvious difference is way easier to latch on to#but yeah. imo she just reads as someone super neurodivergent who received No Help because she 'made do'#and when thrown into a situation that required a skillset she wasn't born with. she shut down and got defensive#noone is born wanting to die yadda yadda#i think it's very interesting that when jawbone turned the question around on her (asking what SHE could do to get better)#she got quiet and awkward#its almost like she was trying her best? and just couldn't figure out where to go next?#and OH would you look at that. jace offering her a trip to the mountains of chaos. for a ~super dangerous adventure~#🙄#anyway.#awfully convenient. isn't it.#this has been me. having takes on ms goldendoodle shibainu#goodnight everyone (its noon)#not tagging this out of fear of the *** stans out there who will not stop taking things personally
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I wish I were still young enough to go trick or treating
#I could possibly maybe get away with it cause people think Im like 15 or 16 still#but most people don't even think teens should trick or treat so Im still stuck#without being able to tho it makes halloween so boring#like I literally want an excuse to dress up#and now if Im not working that day (like this year) I don't have a chance to#I don't have any friends#so there's no chance of me beibg invited to a Halloween party#and there's no Halloween events in my area where everyone can attend and dress up#and because I live in an apartment trick or treaters don't come to my place. they go across the street where all the houses are#like I could “dress up just because/for myself”#but you could say that for every day of the year#I could dress as a vampire or zombie whenever I please. but its only socially cool on this one day a year#what else is there to halloween as a child free friendless adult#ooo watch horror movies. I literally do that all year#my family didn't even decorate this year and it depresses me sooo much#and everyone around me has been saying since the beginning of October that they're over Halloween already#and want fucking Christmas to come#fucking CHRISTMAS??#you mean the most capitalistic expensive and stressful holiday? are you dumb?#you'd rather skip over such a whimsical day like Halloween for an over saturated over exposed holiday like Christmas#it makes me sooo fucking sad#Halloween is my favorite holiday bit its just. man its just not good or special anymore
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