#im not saying he's a saint who's never done anything wrong either because he's had his moments and he fucked up

[vicioustoker]

man this conversation & jon genuinely not knowing why someone would want him around makes me so sad. s3 is so utterly devastating especially in relation to jon, his humanity / becoming an avatar & how that was affecting him and everyone around. knowing that eventually his fears will come true and that people will start distrusting, thinking of him as a monster and treating him differently because of things out of his control is heartbreaking when you look at jon now and how hard he's trying to protect everyone, from everything that was going on but also from himself. he's losing himself in all the guilt and desperate attempts at problem solving because he thinks everything and anything is his fault and then you get everyone acting like that's exactly the case and i die inside everytime

[alaskan-wallflower]

let’s chat about paul holden!

i saw a post by @sondheim-girly about socs not being just one dimensional characters and it really made me think

Sometimes it feels like this fandom makes Paul in specific out to either be an innocent little woobified guy who hasn’t done a thing wrong in his life, orrrr they make him out to be a heartless and cold asshole who wants to watch the world burn. And i’ll admit, i kinda fell victim to this too, HOWEVER

i think it’s also safe to say that neither of those characterizations are really entirely accurate? like in canon yes, he has literally two lines, and in the musical he’s a very small character (compared to others at least) but honestly i wish there was more balance in his character

paul is not a saint. he’s not an absolute angel who’s never done nothing wrong (sometimes it feels like this characterization also tends to make darry look heartless and like a jerk for cutting him off which i don’t like either because while we don’t have a con on reason for why they parted ways, i don’t think it’s fair to make darry the villain) but he’s also not a heartless asshole. to me, i feel like a lot of the socs are the way they are because of how they were brought up and raised. look at bob-bob was looking for someone to tell him no. his parents never told him no and so he spiraled out of control. randy in the book and cherry both said bob was caring and that “nobody had seen that side of him”and i believe it. bob wanted somebody to tell him no. he wanted to be paid attention to. he needed that attention he never got from his parents.

that’s something else that divides the greasers from the docs. the greasers are like a pack-they all stick up for each other and they all stick together. they may not have parents that are good, or parents that are even around (obviously, look at johnny and dally and steve and two bit) but they find their family. they find their family in each other. the socs are characterized to be more self conscious, and not in the insecure way, they’re just made up to be more mindful of themselves because they don’t have that family with each other. like cherry describes them-“cool and collected because there forced to be that way. To not let anything bother them.” so i think that’s why a lot of them are more wild and crazy in a way.

so back to paul. do i think he’s a heartless jerk who was never nice and only liked drinking and jumping kids? no. absolutely not. i believe that when him and darry were friends (or whatever more you guys want them to be) he genuinely cared about their friendship. however, do i think paul was a little angel who hasn’t done a wrong thing in his life? also no. he jumps pony in the musical and frankly i think his parents are just as bad as bob’s, likely. neglectful. i think that’s the case with a lot of the soc characters and that’s why they’re seen as ‘mean’.

there needs to be balance. you can’t make paul out to be something hes not, and to me, through the musical at least (we have so little in the book i frankly haven’t thought about paul until the fandom started collectively agreeing to) but he certainly isn’t a character that should be woobified or anything. paul has done some awful things, he canonically jumps pony and such, and i think a lot of that has to do with the fact most socs don’t have good families -either biological or found ones, to help them be nicer for a lack of better terms.

i dunno. i think both characterizations can be equally as incorrect. i don’t think paul is heartless. but i also don’t think he’s an amazing person who got along with all the greasers just cause he was friends with darry. that switch doesn’t flip overnight.

anyway that’s my ted talk. i know im gonna get shit but yk

[nobutfredweasleytho]

YOU JUST DON’T LISTEN(F.W)

Summary: Fred’s ex girlfriend writes him a letter to explain the how him using her wrecked her emotionally.

Warnings: angst, like a lot of angst, depressed Y/N, mentions of self doubt, a little swearing, mentions of parents not loving correctly, used reader. Let me know if I missed anything.

A/N: Major thank you to Gabriella @onlyfreds for being an amazing person and encouraging me to write whatever this mess is. I am forever grateful to you

(The font is terrible Im sorry im just getting used to working on tumblr)

Fred Weasley checked the muggle clock on his nightstand. 10:30 AM. His mom will call him for breakfast anytime now. He has been awake for quite some time if he can even count the 30 minutes he tried to sleep but couldn’t, not when every time he tries to close his eyes his mind and eventually dreams are clouded by her. By the last time he looked at her, how devastated she looked, How her face was wet from her tears and her eyes bloodshot red, but the thing Fred will never be able to forget is her voice. How raw and vulnerable she sounded while saying the most horrible thing’s anyone has ever said to him, but he can’t blame her, he has no one to blame but himself because in the end it was he who caused all of this and now its come to bite him in the ass. He hears the door open and his twin brother George enters.

“Mom says breakfast is ready and she wants you downstairs. She says she’ll drag you herself if you don’t show up again today.”

“Tell her I’m not hungry and I’ll come grab a bite later.” I really don’t feel like being surrounded by other people right now. Not in this pathetic state I’m in. Besides it will take me willpower I don’t have to not hex Ron into oblivion.

“Well she will not take no for an answer and I wont either. What’s done is done now and you’ll have to face the world someday so start with your own family because everyone down there is worried sick about you and the least you can do is show your face once in a while so they know you haven’t died of starvation or sleep deprivation.” George has worry written all over him and I’m sure the rest of the family has it too. I feel even more like shit for worrying them.

“Fine. But I come back here if she is mentioned are we clear?”

“We weren’t gonna mention Y/N anyway now lets go moms worried sick for your dumbass.”

Breakfast was going smoothly with Ginny and Ron being exited for Quidditch season, Harry and Bill discussing the unfortunate events of the Triwizard tournament last year, dad asking Hermione about a rubber duck whatever that is, but the most shocking thing is mom asking me and George about the joke shop products. George is doing most of the talking but still the fact that shes even asking is awesome. I was finally feeling peaceful this whole winter break until I heard a hoot outside the window.

“I thought it was Tuesday but since mail is here does it mean its Friday already? Oh how fast time is going.

“No Arthur honey you are right it is Tuesday, Bill or George can one of you see if that owl has the owners name attached to it and bring whatever letter he has here to see who is it for.”

Bill got up from his seat and went to the window next to the countertop to look at the mystery owl. “Do we even know a Y/N Y/L/N?”

The room went quiet. The only thing that could be heard was the owls hoot asking for its treat. Bill seemed not to realise this as he took the letter from the owl, gave him a treat and sent it on its way.

“To Fred Weasley from Y/N Y/L/N… Who’s Y/N is she the girl you’ve been crying over this whole time huh Freddie?” Bill chuckled but I just grabbed the letter. I had no time to even be mad at him because once again my mind fogs up with only her. I couldn’t help but feel relieved and the happiest I felt in a long time. She has forgiven me. Y/N forgave me. That has to be it. Why else would she send me a letter?

“I had a great time with you guys but there’s important matters for me to attend so I have to go to now. Thanks mom the breakfast was amazing as always.” And with that I sprinted towards my room, locked the door and examined the letter in my hands. It was a bunch of them in here. I went to mine and George’s worktable threw some papers that were on top of it to make room for these letters and carefully opened the envelope.

The first thing that I grabbed was a photo. It was a polaroid of me and Y/N on the Gryffindor common room. Happiness filled my heart when I started remembering this night. I looked at the back of the polaroid and surely enough there was a writing on it.

Fred and Yn on the Gryffindor common room at 1 AM the night she turned 17. Listening to ABBA’s “Dancing Queen”. Picture taken by major 3rd wheel George Weasley.

Tears filled my eyes when I remember this night. It was the night I looked at her the way I always should have. Not as a replacement of someone who didn’t care about me.

The next one was also a polaroid photograph but this one I don’t remember being taken. It’s a picture of Y/N teaching me how to play the guitar. I can make up that we are in her dorm but not more as the picture is taken in black and white. I look at the back and surely this one also has a writing on it but the handwriting doesn’t look familiar at all.

A drunken Y/N accompanied by a even drunker Fred trying to play the guitar in the middle of the night. If I fail my charms exam tomorrow I’m killing you both but right now you two look adorable. Picture taken by Cho Chang.

The third one is an actual letter. I chuckle looking at the handwriting. Always so precise and not even one line out of place. I always thought Y/Ns handwriting always contradicts her hot headed persona but it’s actually really cute. I start reading the letter and my heart stops.

Dear Freddie,

I can only imagine the shock that receiving a letter from me would cause you right now especially after our last conversation.

But I have a lot to get off of my chest and I wont be able to move on if I haven’t said it all. Call me a coward but I was really scared to ask you to meet me so I can say it in person, but maybe that’s what I have always been. A coward. A coward because I get scared when someone wants to enter my life, a coward because I hate trying new things at the expense of failing, a coward because I should be able to confront people who brought darkness and sadness to my life.

But one thing I will admit Fred Weasley is that I wasn’t a coward when It came to loving you. It was the first time that I let someone come into my life and heart the way you did, and it will probably be the last. Throughout our “relationship” if you can even call it that as it was more of you customizing me to be her, to be someone I’m not. But that’s why you even talked to me is it, because I reminded you of her.

The signs were right in front of me and I feel stupid enough not to have seen them. But I guess people are right when they say love is blind. Love is such a funny thing to me as the first time I experienced the right kind of love was through you. But that was me creating stuff in my head. You didn’t love me no, you loved the idea of me. But I loved you. I loved you more than anything or anyone I have ever loved, I loved everything about you. But you just don’t listen. You don’t listen to anyone around you. Not George, not your other siblings, not Lee or any of your other friends for that matter, not your professors, but most importantly you don’t listen to me.

You didn’t listen when I told you that the love my parents gave me was only because I reminded them of my brother, the love my old friends back home gave me was one of interest. Everywhere I go no matter who I talk to no one will love me for me. I came to accept that until I met you.

You were funny and crazy and brave and oh so gorgeous. You were basically everything I looked for in… well everything. In a friend or in a partner it doesn’t matter. I thought you saw me for who I am. A broken teenager with issues but that at the end of the day was deserving of love. Oh how wrong I have been but no more wrong than you. You knew this but you just didn’t listen.

That makes us both horrible people now does it. Me who thought you were some kind of savior or some kind of saint and selfishly wrapped myself around your love and you who used me because I remind you of your ex girlfriend who broke your heart. But mine is excused I feel like and yours isn’t.

You would have kept me going for who knows how long just so you can live your imaginations you had for someone else.

Did you think about her the first time we slept together?

Was I not enough for you Freddie?

Was I too clingy too soon?

Is it my hot temper that gets the best of me?

So many questions will be left unanswered on my end because frankly, I never want to speak of you again. Sure I am deprived of love but I will not take it if its not directed directly at me.

I still care about you and will continue to support you and George on whatever you set your mind into. I was waking through Diagon Alley last week and saw this little store with a “for sale” sign. It’s right in the middle of Diagon Alley. I hate how my first thought went that you would have loved it but I seem to do that a lot recently.

I’ll get dressed and think would Fred love this skirt or this shirt.

I start applying lipstick and I’ll think will Fred love this color.

I start eating and I’ll think does this look good enough that Fred would’ve stolen a piece of it when I’m talking to Ginny.

I don’t even know why I am telling you this. How pathetic I’ve become clinging into someone that doesn’t want me.

Anyway I’ve probably bored you enough with my ranting but I wouldn’t have been able to move on unless I said everything that felt heavy on my heart. I also attached some photos I thought you’d like to keep seeing as now you can see yourself with Kayla without having the burden to be near me.

Say hi to your siblings and Harry for me.

Have a nice life,

Y/N

[megalony]

We have to go

I know I’ve been absent for a few weeks but I’ve finally managed to get an imagine done. This is a murderer! Ben Hardy imagine that I might do a follow up part for if you all like it. Feedback is always lovely.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie​ @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr​ @rogmeddows @radiob-l-a-hblah​ @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss​ @sj-thefan​ @omgitsearly​ @luckytrashgooprebel​ @scarsout​ @deaky-with-a-c​ @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac​ @vousmemanqueez​ @jonesyaddiction​ @ambi-and-sunflowers @milanosaurus @httpfandxms​ @saint-hardy​ @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls​ @mrsalwayswritex​ @rogerina-owns-me @hellsdragon​ @im-an-adult-ish​ @crazylittlethingg​  @tabsispage​ @allauraleigh​ @onceuponadetectivedemigod​

Murderer! Ben masterlist

Summary: Ben is a hitman and that means he has to be careful that he doesn’t put his family at risk. That means that when he is in danger, they have to move, sometimes in the dead of night.

Enjoy.

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(Y/n) tiredly fluttered her eyes open, blinking to adjust to the darkness of the room before she slowly started to scan her eyes around for Ben. Her brain was so accustomed to being woken up in the night or early morning due to her husband that any noises she heard no longer set off her anxiety. It was normal to hear him looking around for his keys, his belt or his clothing when he got up early or came home late. And (Y/n) was no stranger to listening to him stumbling home from a late night, smelling of booze and crawling into bed and wrapping himself around her like a vine.

But as she slowly looked around for him, (Y/n) started to wake up a bit when she noticed Ben was moving around the room rather quickly. He was clearly moving things by the way (Y/n) could hear clothing being ruffled and items being picked up and discarded like tissue.

What was he up to?

There was no time for (Y/n) to try and formulate any words or sit herself up in bed before her heart jumped in her chest as she was suddenly staring into her husband's wild eyes. Ben was crouched down in front of the bed, his arms folded on the edge of the bed and his chin resting on his arm and (Y/n) could barely make out the small tight-lipped smile on his lips through the darkness of their shared bedroom.

"Hey baby. Sorry to wake you darlin' but I need you to get up cause we got a lot to do." Ben's voice was quiet as he knew (Y/n) had only just woken up due to him rushing around the room and he knew he would be confusing her but he needed her to be awake before he even began to explain what was going on.

He leaned forward and stole a quick but very desperate kiss from her lips, nipping at her lower lip with his teeth before he pulled back and pushed himself to his feet.

A groan escaped (Y/n)'s lips when Ben flicked on the bedside lamp before he went back to doing whatever he had been doing that woke her up. (Y/n) couldn't fathom what was happening but all she did know was that Ben was in his organised panic mood. When Ben had to get things done he made sure he did it but when it was something panicking him he started to get a bit shakey and moved and talked quicker than normal like life was moving on fast forward setting.

Ben was never a settled man, it didn't matter if he was oddly calm or if he was always thinking about something, he had to be moving and doing something. He liked to organise and reorganise the house, it helped him calm down and get his mind in order and he liked a clean tidy house more than (Y/n) did so when he was home he got to work. Sitting down to watch a movie was something he couldn't always do but he did try and relax, it just didn't seem to be in his nature.

"Ben... what are you doing?" (Y/n) slowly pushed herself up into a sitting position that made her head spin considering she had only just woken up. She wanted to go back to sleep, she wanted Ben to crawl into bed and sleep with her or even for him to just babble about his day and draw patterns on her skin until he dozed off. She just wanted to sleep rather than wake up and work out what he was doing now.

(Y/n) could feel her heart starting to pound against her ribcage in a way that made her body coil forward itch from how uncomfortable the feeling was. Ben was stuffing clothing into bags. He was packing up their stuff in a haphazard kind of way that (Y/n) had seen before.

"Ben..."

The way she slowly said his name with a warning tone caused him to momentarily stop what he was doing to look at her.

"We need to go."

Those four little words were enough to force a whine past (Y/n)'s lips and make tears well up in her eyes without her even having to know the reasons behind Ben's words. In the six years that (Y/n) had been with Ben, she had heard those words a dozen times and she knew instantly that this was going to be a bad one.

Whenever Ben said those words it meant one of two things. It either meant that something had gone wrong with a deal or a fight and they would have to go away for a few days or weeks and then come back home. Or it was more serious and meant they would have to take everything and move homes altogether. (Y/n) hated when it meant they had to move and that had happened three times in the six years she had been with Ben. She knew what he did, she knew he was a hitman and that it meant killing people for large sums of money.

Ben loved what he did and he knew what kind of a man that made him. It made him a monster for killing people who either deserved to be killed or simply needed to be killed to fit someone else's plans and life. Ben was good at what he did and he had the kind of conscience where killing people didn't play on his mind at all, he felt no remorse for what he did. Despite being a family man and being someone who would go to the ends of the Earth to keep his family safe, Ben was a killer at heart.

But none of that mattered to (Y/n) because she always saw the other side to Ben. She saw the kind, loving and caring man who would do anything for her without her having to ask. She saw the man who smiled at her when she did nothing at all, the man who would wrap himself around her and just hold her because he wanted to feel her touch. (Y/n) saw a man who would do absolutely anything for her and for their children and that made her uncaring to what he did for a living.

But part of what Ben did meant that he had to have a normal home life, or as normal of one as he could manage. If people believed he was a good family man like he actually was, then they were less likely to believe that he was a cold blooded killer.

(Y/n) was fine with that. She was fine with creating a perfect family image for Ben because it was what she wanted, she wanted a loving family and Ben was a loving husband and father despite the cruel and heartless ways he killed people without even needing a reason to clear his conscience. But (Y/n wanted to have a home that she could decorate and make feel like it was theirs that they didn't have to uproute and leave when things went wrong. (Y/n) wanted to live somewhere where she had friends and family to talk to and be around, she wanted their boys to grow up in one place and have a permanent school rather than going to different schools and nurseries whenever things went wrong.

Leaving within a few days was okay, (Y/n) could deal with quickly packing things up and moving within a space of a week. That was okay, (Y/n) took at least three months to decorate each home they had in case they had to quickly move. She left items in boxes and essentials in easy places or bags in cupboards so if Ben did something bad they didn't have to run around and look for everything to pack up.

But they had been in this house for two years.

Billy had been born in this house and (Y/n) had it decorated lovely, they had nice neighbours for a change who weren't nosy or rude or creepy. (Y/n) had a lot of old friends in this neighbourhood and it wasn't a bad area to live in. She wanted this to be their home and to stay their home, she didn't want to take another long drive to a random destination and find a new home and start again.

Ben knew this.

Ben knew (Y/n) wanted a normal family life and a permanent home and he wanted that for her too. Before he met her Ben had a few flings and one night stands but had been dead set against being a family man because it would be too hard with his job. Then (Y/n) walked into his life and changed his outlook completely. She made him fall madly in love with her without having to do anything at all. They had two boys together and Ben loved when he came home and switched to being a normal family man, it made him so close to changing his job to something normal and reliable and more to the point, legal.

But he couldn't do that, deep down he would never be able to change that much so he did everything in his power to make their family normal, loving and happy.

"No. Ben we can deal with this... we'll call Joe or we'll just go for a week or two and say it's a holiday, Ben please." (Y/n) rubbed her hands over her face as she tried to think of anything they could do without really knowing what had gone on. She didn't want to move, they couldn't move right now it was bad timing, it was so bad.

"Baby, baby look at me." Ben moved until he was sat down on the bed next to (Y/n) so he could take her hands in his own. "Someone in connection to one of my old targets is here. Now they know me and if they find out about my last target they will put two and two together. This was always a risk and I need us to move before they spot me and things get ugly."

"Can't we just go for a few weeks-"

"I can't take that risk babydoll. My last target was an hour away from this town, that was close enough to home as it is and if someone says my name around here or this person sees me it will be a lot worse. I need us to be safe cause this person is dangerous and therefore we have to go. I've got a place sorted for now and then we'll search for a permanent place soon I promise."

Ben had targets, they were the people he killed because using names or any other tags made it too real for him and for (Y/n). Targets seemed easier, it was hard to imagine a person as a target. Sometimes in order to kill people Ben had to get close or talk to people who were close to his targets and that meant he took the risk of them recognising him. If this person recognised him and found out about someone who had been murdered an hour away from Ben's hometown it would be suspicious and Ben knew this man would know enough to suspect Ben of being a killer.

His first priority was his family and that meant that if someone was threatening their safety Ben uprooted them to keep them all safe. He also made sure he didn't take any jobs for at least two months in order to make sure things blew over and quietened down.

Ben could see the tears forming in (Y/n)'s eyes and it made his stomach churn to see her so cut up. He let go of her hands so he could hold onto her hip and cup her face with his free hand. His thumb smoothed over her cheek to brush away a stray tear before he leaned close and pressed his forehead against her own like he was trying to merge their thoughts together. Ben knew (Y/n) would eventually be okay with this, once they found a house she adored they would buy it and decorate it until it was perfect and Ben would do everything he could to make sure it was a forever home for them.

But right now he just had to move them all to keep them safe.

"We can't do a midnight flit, Ben. The boys... they won't understand, it'll be hard to move everything like it always is. And the baby..."

(Y/n) closed her eyes and leaned her temple more against Ben's as she wished this was just a bad dream she was going to wake up from at any moment.

The boys were five and two, they weren't going to understand why they were leaving in the middle of the night and not going back to the place they knew to be their home. They would be confused, leaving their friends behind and going to a new home, a new school where they would have to make new friends and get used to a new school system. It would be a lot for them to take in, the last time they had moved Billy hadn't even been born but it was a lot for Harvey to cope with since he had only been three at the time.

Billy had been born in this house, (Y/n) had hoped that was a sign that this might be their forever home and she wanted this baby to be born in this home too. She wanted to get through this pregnancy without anymore problems or worries happening to make everything turn upside down.

Ben knew this was bad timing, he had been afraid of something like this happening and he wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't the only option he had right now. (Y/n) had suffered a miscarriage when Billy had only been ten months old, it had been a short time between his birth and getting pregnant again only for (Y/n) to lose the baby and suffer a very bad haemorrhage which hospitalized her for a week. That traumatic event had panicked Ben because it had taken a toll on (Y/n) and Ben couldn't take any jobs for four months because he had to look after (Y/n) and the boys.

They had finally gotten to a better point in their lives where the boys were fine, their relationship was great and (Y/n)'s depression caused by the miscarriage was under control. Learning they were pregnant again had been a worry and a shock and (Y/n) had been scared of losing this baby too.

Ben didn't want to uproot their family right now when (Y/n) had been put on bedrest for the remainder of her pregnancy due to complications. He didn't want to take any risks when it came to this baby because (Y/n) losing another baby would kill her too and she was his whole world. But if he didn't move them all now he risked someone finding out about him and either the police would get involved or it would get a lot worse and he would have the risk of his family being put in harms way.

"I know, I know it's shit timing baby but we have to go now. I'm gonna go pack the car and I'll try and keep the boys asleep and move them to the car. You know the drill, doll."

He pressed another longing kiss to (Y/n)'s temple, carding his fingers through the hair at the back of her head before he slowly pulled away and stood to his feet. Whenever this happened, and it had only happened three times before, they had a drill to go through. They packed clothing, paperwork, money and any other essentials into backpacks and carry on bags to stuff into the car and then Ben or Joe would come back to the house in a few days and clear it out. They took the essentials and came back for everything else when it was clear and Ben would sort out the house in terms of cancelling the rental and cutting off the electric and giving back the keys.

A sigh escaped (Y/n)'s lips as she rubbed at her eyes that were so desperate to shed tears but she had no effort or will to cry. She was too tired and numb to cry no matter how badly she felt she needed to in order to feel better.

(Y/n) tried to busy herself getting dressed but she kept stopping and staring at the wall in front of her or finding her eyes locked onto Ben, watching his every movement. He had managed to rather neatly pack their clothes into two carry on bags within minutes and was now kneeling down at the foot of the bed in order to get the dark grey box he always kept there.

(Y/n) watched the way Ben's silver chain around his neck hung forward like a medallion trying to show him some kind of sign. The silver ring that hung so neatly at the end of the chain was slowly swaying back and forth, repeatedly tapping against Ben's chest each time it fell back towards him. With what Ben did for a living, he knew it was best to keep his wedding ring around his neck so no one could see it. If people did end up finding him and knowing what he did then at least they wouldn't know he was married and had a family.

It had only now dawned on (Y/n) that Ben was only wearing his black work jeans and nothing else, no shirt, no hoodie, not even any socks. She wondered what he had been doing before he woke her up, maybe he had gotten blood on his clothes and therefore had washed them or even binned them. Maybe he worked himself into a state and stripped off in a hot flush which had happened a few times before. Maybe he had been in the midst of changing clothes and felt he had to pack up before he finished getting dressed.

Without his shirt it allowed all of Ben's marks and tattoos to be on display, not that (Y/n) hadn't already gotten each one memorised so that when she closed her eyes she could still see a map of his body.

There was something about Ben's look that was so calming and affectionate despite the many marks covering his skin. He had scars littering his skin from where knives had cut through him during bad and drunken fights in the dead of night, he never seemed to go a single day without bruises of some sort forming somewhere on his person. And the tattoos he had made his body look like a road map. Ben had dates inked into his skin of when the boys had been born and the date of when he had married (Y/n), plus a few designs on his arms and his lower abdomen.

Ben had roman numerals tattooed onto each knuckle on both hands and he had the same design on the back of his neck in large black ink. All of these marks would normally warn people away from him, they made him look dangerous and as if he was a threat or just made him intimidating. But (Y/n) always seemed to overlook all the marks and the ink, it was as if the colours faded and she just saw the person Ben was. He seemed to loving and inviting to everyone despite his outlook.

(Y/n)'s staring didn't go unnoticed by Ben, he could feel her eyes boring into his skin like she was trying to burn him with her intense gaze but he paid no mind to her staring. It was something (Y/n) naturally seemed to do and it never bothered him.

He found the box under the bed that he had been searching for and when he took off the lid, he started placing all the documents into the small backpack he had gotten ready. The grey box was something they took everywhere with them, it contained their passports, the boys' birth certificates, their insurance numbers and documents. But it also held a plastic wallet filled with fake documents. Ben had fake passports, driving licenses, insurance numbers and legal documents created so that if things got tricky they could switch identities in emergencies.

It was harder now they had the boys because they couldn't go changing the boys' names and think that they would understand but Ben had to have the documents made just in case a new identity was needed.

He also kept a lot of money and credit cards stashed away because when they had to disappear like this, cash was the best way to pay for things because it couldn't be tracked like a credit card could.

Breaking out of her trance, (Y/n) slowly padded across the carpet to where Ben was knelt down in front of the bed. Without saying anything, she held her hand out to her husband who placed two credit cards, a driving licence and an unknown amount of cash into her hand. (Y/n) knew the drill, she would place all of those items into the seam of her handbag so if they got stuck or had to improvise, she could take them out of the hidden seam and start using them.

She leaned over and pressed a quick kiss to Ben's temple before she headed out of the room and quietly made her way downstairs. They had to be quick but they couldn't be too loud in case they woke the boys.

It felt like they were both in a trance or placed on autopilot because they knew what they were doing. The first time this happened they had been rushing around like headless chickens trying to remain calm. They had talked about what they would do if this situation ever happened but actually going through it was a lot different. But now it was a drill, it was a fire drill and they had to do what they always did to make sure everything went smoothly.

The couple bypassed one another in the hall and when going up or down the stairs to get the bags to pack the car.

(Y/n) went into Harvey's room and Ben went into Billy's room, both of them working in the darkness to pack up their son's clothes, essential toys that they couldn't go without and the bits such as bottles and beakers and nappies.

"Double-check there isn't anything you need to take tonight then go get in the car, I'll get the boys." Ben rested his hands on (Y/n)'s shoulders, slowly massaging his fingers into her skin before he turned and made his way into Harvey's room.

Ben grabbed a pair of socks and sat down on the end of Harvey's bed, slowly moving the cover so he could slide the socks onto his eldest boy's feet so he wouldn't get cold. He pulled the navy blue fluffy blanket from the end of the bed and was carful when wrapping it around his son before he effortlessly eased Harvey from the bed. His look-alike stayed motionless and in a sleeping state just like Ben expected, nothing every seemed to wake Harvey up, not even a thunderstorm or an earthquake.

He hated to do this.

Ben hated himself as he walked down the stairs, holding his son to his chest tighter with every step he went down. He didn't want to imagine how the conversation would go when the five year old woke up to realise he was no longer at home but was in the car driving to a new home in a new town. But it had to be done, and this was easier than waking Harvey and trying to explain everything to him right now.

It didn't take long for Ben to kneel in the car and slowly settle Harvey into his car seat with the blanket still tucked around him and his rabbit toy cocooned under his arm. Ben made sure the small emergency light in the front of the car was switched off for now so it wouldn't wake Harvey who couldn't stand any lights on in his room when he went to sleep.

He made his way back into the house and up to Billy's room, slipping a pair of socks onto the two year old and a jumper to make sure he stayed warm before he wrapped Billy's sleeping blanket around him and cradled him in the crook of his left arm.

Ben felt his heart jumping in his chest when Billy curled up into his chest, sighing as he tucked his face into Ben's side in his sleep. This was why Ben was doing this, he couldn't have anything happening to (Y/n) or their boys, he couldn't have them in danger because of him.

When Billy was curled up in his car seat safe and sound, Ben headed back inside, doing a double check of the house to make sure the essentials were in the car and all that was left were the decorations and household items that didn't need to be taken with them. He could see the pain in (Y/n)'s eyes as she looked around the house whilst pulling her cardigan tighter around her frame to fight out the bitter old of the early morning.

"I'm sorry, doll."

"I know. But can we just... try and make the next one a bit more permanent?" (Y/n) looked up at Ben with tired eyes that softened like melting chocolate when Ben wound his arms around her waist so he could pull her closer to his chest.

"We will, I promise. And this is just a precaution, I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't to keep you all safe. We have a good cover up, anyway." Ben inched his hand under (Y/n)'s cardigan until the palm of his hand was resting against the side of her stomach.

He was only moving them for their safety, and their family was the best cover they could ask for. They had two young boys and a baby on the way, no one was going to think they were anything but an ordinary, loving family.

[peggyrose19]

Picture Frames and Ocean Waves

Heeheehee we’re back with some St. Tweedle angst, part 1. This is not related to the newest chapter, although there will be something coming at some point related to that, don’t you worry :) Anyway, here’s Saint looking back on the day Luke left for university.

song for this fic: Castaway - 5SOS (i did say ages ago it had rk vibes)

characters by @lumosinlove. tagging @im-oknutzy-trash and @wonder-womans-ex my st. tweedle partners in crime.

Saint stared unseeingly out at the ocean. The waves crashed and melted into each other, the same grey-blue as the sky. It was cold out, what passed for winter fast approaching as September came to a close, but Saint didn’t notice the chill in the air. Nor did he particularly care. Luke’s house loomed behind him, empty save for the housekeeper, busy somewhere in the heart of it. His mom was somewhere; Saint didn’t particularly care. He cared far more about where Luke was, hundreds of miles away at university. 

That last summer had crept up on them fast. Saint had always known he’d never be able to leave the island, at least not for long. And he’d always known Luke would never be able to stay. He had just never imagined it hurting quite so much.

“Hey, Tweedle,” Saint sang, pulling himself easily through Luke’s open window. He left it open a lot these days. 

Luke didn’t look up from his laptop sitting before him on his bed. “Hey.”

Saint peered over his shoulder. “What’re you working on?”

“Nothing,” he replied tersely. “‘M waiting.”

“For?” Saint prompted. It was like pulling teeth with him sometimes. 

“Decisions come out today. This is my first choice school.” He gestured to the screen, and Saint squinted at it. 

“Oh.” Saint felt something welling up in him, some foreign feeling that choked the air from his lungs and made his heart constrict painfully. He decidedly did not like it. 

“Yeah. Should be out in-” Luke glanced at the clock- “two minutes.” 

“So why are you looking now?”

Luke glanced away from the screen to glare at Saint, who just smirked at him. 

“I hate it when you make sense,” he grumbled. Saint grinned, and leaned down to press a quick kiss to Luke’s lips. 

“Bet I can distract you for the next, hmmm 90 seconds,” he murmured. Luke looked as though he wanted to protest, but Saint cocked an eyebrow, and he seemed to give in, tilting his chin up again to catch Saint’s lips once more. 

Saint had always loved kissing Luke. He was warm, comforting. Familiar. Even that first time, pushed against the wall in this very room, wrists pinned under Luke’s strong grip. Or the second time, being pelted with wind and rain in the middle of the ocean, torn apart by the storm too soon. They’d kissed many times since then, more than kissed, and yet it never got old for Saint, never lost the magic and comfort Luke brought. 

“Mmph, gotta check,” Luke muttered against his lips, pulling Saint from his thoughts. Saint rolled his eyes, Luke already turned away. He raised a hand to his lips, the taste of Luke still on his tongue. 

He watched lazily as Luke refreshed the page, logging in once more with a frustrated groan. But his fingers froze on the keyboard as it loaded and a letter popped up on the screen. 

“I got in,” he breathed. “I got in.” He turned to Saint with wild eyes, a smile alighting his face, and Saint didn’t know what to do with that.

He tried for a smile. “Well, of course you did Tweedle.” 

In the next moment, Saint found himself in Luke’s arms, falling awkwardly back against the mattress. Luke held him close, and as his body shook, Saint realized Luke was laughing.  

“Why are you laughing?” Saint asked, pulling back as best he could to see Luke’s face. His eyes held more joy than Saint had never seen in them. 

“Cause I fucking got in! I’m going to fucking university, Saint!” 

“It means you’re leaving.”

That was the thing, wasn’t it? Luke was always going to leave, the island, his family, Saint. For a while, Saint had had a chance at keeping him. With his father in prison, Saint knew there was no chance of him leaving. But then he was released. And then arrested once more. And Luke had given up. 

And Saint had lost his chance.

He wanted Luke back. He wanted him home and safe and in his arms, not off at some fucking university with strangers and a new city and not him. Of course, Saint would rather be caught dead than admit that. 

He’d said it anyway. And then Luke had left.

The sun had long since set when Luke said goodbye. Saint stood beside him on the beach, watching the calm waves lap at the shore. He held tightly to Luke’s hand. 

“I don’t want you to go,” Saint had whispered, words getting washed away by the breeze. But Luke heard him. He always did. 

“I know.”

Saint hugged wryly. “You’re still going though. Aren’t you?” 

“I have to, Saint. I can’t go back now, it’s too late. I leave in the morning.”

Saint squeezed his eyes shut, fighting down the fear and anger and pain that threatened to well up and spill out, refusing to show all the terrible weakness he always kept hidden. 

But Luke always seemed to know, as he reached out to cup Saint’s cheek, warm and comforting. Saint turned into his hand, but said nothing, refusing to look at him. He knew he’d only find pity and sorrow in those eyes, and that would only make him break. 

“Saint. Look at me.” Those nimble fingers lifted his chin until their eyes met. Saint immediately wanted to look away. “Don’t be mad at me. Please.”

“Why not?” 

“Because, Saint! Not all of us can just stay on this fucking island! I get that you have some twisted need to stay here, but I can't. Okay? I am not you. I have to get out. And this is my way.”

Saint stared at Luke with wide eyes. He rarely snapped. Last time had been almost a year ago, at James’ house, right before that cursed storm had hit. 

“Fine.” 

And he turned and walked away.

When Saint looked back on it, he wished he hadn't left. He wished he’d stayed, or turned around as Luke called after him. 

He wished a lot of things. 

With a sigh, he turned his back on the familiar sea and walked across the Deveaux’s perfectly manicured lawn towards the house. He crept around back, to the familiar window always lit with golden light. Luke had left it open. 

Saint eased the window open and climbed inside, flipping on the lamp on Luke’s bedside table. The room filled with light, reminding Saint of late summer nights spent lying on Luke’s bed together, sometimes reading, sometimes kissing. 

With a sigh, he turned to Luke’s desk, and the scant few items left there. A lamp, a few pens and pencils, various knick-knacks, a few books, some photos. Saint’s gaze stopped on them. The top one was a picture Luke had taken back in February. It was of him, flipping off the camera with a smirk. 

He remembered that day. The two of them had fallen asleep on the beach that night, woken at dawn by the sunlight. Saint had sand in his hair, blown to the side by the wind. Luke had smiled at him for a long moment, sun lighting up his eyes, before pulling out his nearly-dead phone and snapping a picture. But not before Saint flipped him off. 

He hadn’t known Luke printed it out, wasn’t actually sure how he’d done it. There were others, of the beach, of the lacrosse fields, even one of the two of them together. He didn’t know why he’d left them there either. Or maybe he did. 

Saint felt… lonely, without Luke. He had no anchor anymore, left adrift at sea, abandoned. He couldn’t help but compare Luke to his mom, leaving him behind with barely a backward glance, never giving him a second thought. It hurt, in a way he hated himself for, hated his mom and Luke and everyone else for. Not that they’d truly done anything wrong. Or maybe they had. Saint didn’t know anymore. 

The morning Luke left, Saint waited for him at the docks. Boat was the only way off the island, with the airstrip long out of commission. Saint had watched Luke and his mom pull up, her car looking shiny and new as it always did. Luke had climbed out with barely a second glance, tugging his backpack and suitcase out of the trunk. Saint guessed one didn’t need much at university. 

Luke didn’t see him, but that was intentional. Saint didn’t want to be seen. The night before seemed so far away, so different from the morning. He didn’t know how they’d gotten here, avoiding each other, hating each other. Well. Pretending to hate each other. Saint could never truly hate him. 

With a sinking feeling in his chest, Saint watched Luke climb onto the boat and disappear below deck. He felt like a cliché movie character, waving their lover off to war or some shit, but he couldn’t bring himself to look away. Even with Luke out of sight, that pull stayed, long after the boat pulled away and became a small dot on the horizon. 

He had turned away angrily, pretending the tears in his eyes were from the wind or the pollen.

His heart had cracked, the day Luke left. A part of it sailing off to some other country, some other continent. These days Saint couldn’t quite decide if he wanted it back or not. He wanted Luke back, more than he truly cared to consider. But he had given Luke a part of himself knowing full well what it might mean, what it might lead to. And he’d done it anyway, choosing to trust him in what may just have been the stupidest move in his life. 

One day, he’d come back. As Saint sank into Luke’s desk chair, the picture in his hands, he could only hope that was true.

[wonderlustlucas]

four - hwang hyunjin

⇢ prompt They say good things come in fours. Who? Couldn’t tell you, but they especially do during Christmas. Maybe that’s just Saint Nick. ⇢ pairing hyunjin x female reader ⇢ word count 11.7k ⇢ genre fluff ⇢ warnings swearing. mentions of alcohol & s e x. teenagerz being teenagerz. insane amount of fluff & stupidity. kind of ends w a smutty cliffhanger. ⇢ summary After suppressing how you felt about Hyunjin back in high school, you thought you were done going back on your feelings. Turns out, a little time apart, the spirit of Christmas, and an accidental nap is the perfect cocktail for falling in love with your best friend.—friends to lovers!au ⇢ a/n hello & merry christmas! here is a gift for you all on this very merry day. also, thank you for 1,000 followers! that in itself is one of the best presents i could ask for. thank you for all your kindness & support on my blog & for following me in the first place! it truly means so much to me. i hope you enjoy reading! ♥︎

big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇[now] Sorry! I just woke up

big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇[now] Whats wrong fool

big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇[now] Did u rlly think 12 texts were gonna wake me up?🤦🏻‍♂️ godt damn u on some WACK shit

You roll your eyes in time with each consecutive text that Hyunjin sends, waiting for the lock screen of your phone to blacken after reading them. He’s about as useless as pedals on a wheelchair, you think, ignoring the texts and forcing the device into the snug back pocket of your jeans before transferring the last two excessively packed grocery bags into the trunk of your car with an exhausted huff. Christ, if the bagging lady put one more item in those bags, she would be the one to blame for six cans of soup rolling about the parking lot.

The license plate rattles when you slam the trunk lid closed before hurrying around to the driver’s side and anxiously hopping inside to start blasting the heat. It is obnoxiously chilly for the first of September. Well, not really. Your body is just beginning to get used to the ungodly wrath of summer’s sweltering heat leaving you in a constant state of sweat and nausea for the past three months. Not that you’re complaining, of course. You nearly did somersaults of joy when the morning news reported a temperature of sixty-one degrees with some wind gusts and welcomed the beginning signs of autumn with open arms.

You would never admit to Mom who told yo uon the way out to change out of a tank top or at least wear a jacket, but yes— you are, in fact, cold. But now you have godsent warmth blowing from the vents and the seat warmer on its highest setting beginning to thaw away the goosebumps painted on your skin. Giving your arms one last rub, you lean up enough to retrieve your phone and open the conversation with Hyunjin.

[2:37 PM] YN: please. smell my balls

[2:37 PM] YN: nothings wrong btw. i was GOING to ask if u wanted any specific snacks for tn buttttt someone didn’t answer

[2:37 PM] YN: and excuse u i called too. i may be an idiot but im not stupid

[2:38 PM] YN: ik u would never hear a text when ur having wet dreams of yeji

You stop there with a smug smirk when the three dots on his side appear, knowing you’ve hit his funny bone with this one.

[2:38 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇: Bruh

[2:38 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇 :I’ve literally never have had a wet dream ab Yeji pls stop

You cannot fight your shit-eating grin, thumbs circling over the keyboard in thought as he apparently deletes whatever other text he was going to send when the three dots disappear.

[2:38 PM] YN: mmhmmmm

[2:38 PM] YN: because last time you slept over you weren’t whimpering her name in ur sleep

[2:38 PM] YN: sureeeee

You decide to end your teasing there and continue once you’re home. It is starting to get late, after all, and Mom will begin to worry that the creepy employee always in aisle sixteen has abducted you. Plus, you’re cruel and like to watch Hyunjin suffer. Switching the ringer off, you throw your phone into the cupholder and drastically lower the heat and turn off the seat warmer. It’s starting to feel like a sauna in here, and not in a fun way. Can’t understand how anyone enjoys hanging out in a sauna to begin with anyway, but to each their own, you guess.

In the five-minute drive it takes until you are pulling into the driveway, Hyunjin calls three times. He is incredibly peeved at your lack of a response to his distressed texts and still wound up from your text about Yeji. As if! You’re already a clown not realizing his ever-growing affections for you, but to think he had a crush on Yeji? You’re the whole damn circus!

By the time he calls a fifth time, now sat up on his elbow in bed and strumming an annoyed beat of his fingers at his thigh because he really just wants to yell at you for being the most annoying person alive (and maybe to hear your voice, too), you have brought in the last of the bags and look to Mom who has started to put the groceries away and expects you to half-heartedly do the same.

“It’s Hyunjin. He’s having an existential crisis because I haven’t answered his texts,” you explain to her, unenthusiastically holding your phone as it vibrates against your palm. Half of you wants her to ask to finish putting everything away first just so you can torture him even longer. Alas, such extravagant wishes are denied, because when it comes to Hyunjin, your parents would undoubtedly throw you under the bus just to keep that boy happy. And so, just like any other time, Mom’s undying love for Hyunjin has her dismissing you from the kitchen with a hearty laugh.

“Jesus Christ! What?” You hiss, halfway up the stairs when you tap to answer his call on the last ring.

“Wow! Look who finally decided to answer!” Hyunjin shouts back, the swoosh of his sheets once he finally falls back against his pillow again rustling all too loudly through the phone. “I was driving,” you spit, marching into your bedroom and collapsing against your bed, the same rustle of your blankets sounding loudly into his ear. “There’s a thing called the speaker, ___. Ever heard of it?” He retorts, evidently shutting you up and he knows he won this round if your silence is anything to go by.

“Whatever,” you groan, using all your toe strength to kick the sneakers off your feet by their soles, “what was so important that you couldn’t wait and had to call me five billion times?”

“I had a question. And you hurt my feelings.” Well, shit. You can practically hear and see his pout through the phone and your heart positively swells in your chest at how undeniably, unjustifiably cute he is. You sigh.

“I’m sorry for making fun of you about Yeji. I’m going to do it again but next time I promise I won’t pull the wet dream card,” you apologize frankly; because, in all honesty, it would be worse to say you are not going to do it again when you most certainly will. Bullying Hyunjin is fun, what can you say?

Hyunjin heaves an exasperated breath from his lungs because he knows there is no point in arguing with quite possibly the most sarcastic human he knows and that’s the best form of an apology he’s going to get. Whatever. He’ll make sure to wipe his morning snot and droll on your shirt in the morning. “Anyway,” he grumbles, in the background you hear Kkami bark from a few rooms over, “I was going to ask if you wanted to come over my place instead? I know your parents probably want to see me and stuff but mine are out of town for the night so we can sleep in my bed until like three without Mom waking us up to force feed breakfast.” You roll your eyes. Of course your parents want to see him.

“Plus, Mom just put that grey comforter I know you really like on my bed so we can cuddle all night and watch stuff on YouTube,” he quickly adds as a convincing afterthought. He’s really got his sales pitch going on this one. Truth is, you have only slept in his bed with that stupidly soft blanket twice last winter break, but it’s still sweet that he remembers how much you loved it (aka how quickly you fell asleep and how grumpy you were being woken up because it’s just that darn cozy). Either way, you would never pass up an opportunity to snuggle up with Hyunjin in the comfort of his own bed with his citrusy, floral scent on the pillows luring you to sleep.

“My Mom is going to be heartbroken, Hyunjin,” you tease, “but who cares. You had me sold at sleeping until three. Do you still want me to bring the snacks I got?”

“Oh, thank God. I love your Mom’s cooking but I haven’t left bed all day and I really want to keep it that way. And yes, please. I’ve been eating dry cereal for the past two hours.”

“Hyunjin, have you brushed your teeth yet?”

“No. Didn’t you just hear me? I said I’ve been in bed all day. Eating cereal. When would I have brushed my teeth?”

“You’ve officially taken breakfast in bed to a whole new level, Jin. I’ll see you in a few hours. Oh, and please, you have no concept of personal space so make sure you brush your teeth before I come over.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Love ya, bye,” Hyunjin promptly hangs up, probably eager to get back to binging whatever drama he’s watching before you lecture him about his hygiene again. Not that it matters, anyway; chances are, it went in one ear and right out the other and you’re going to drag him out of bed later to brush his teeth.

Damn. You didn’t even get the chance to say love you back. Not that it matters.

It doesn’t, you quickly shut down the pesky thought that keeps you up at night and force it back into the storage part of your brain labeled ‘Deal with Later,’ because, really, you’ll have to think about that later. It’s not that you don’t want to think about it yet… you just don’t have the time to stop and really figure out what your feelings toward Hyunjin actually are. Yeah. That’s it.

And now isn’t the time, you tell yourself, scooting up the mattress in order to bury your face in the pillows to suffocate the pounding throb in your head. Hyunjin is nothing special.

Well, no. That’s a lie. Everything about Hyunjin is special. Anyone with eyes, ears, even a nose can sense that. You had quickly found out just how wonderful he is when you met him freshman year of high school. At the time, he was everyone’s sweetheart by the first day, but it just so happened his eyes were all on you.

He was obviously adorable, and every class you had together he always made a point to talk to you and returned your sarcasm with an impressive level of expertise. So, when it came to him asking you to the first homecoming, the answer was yes without a second thought. But during the last slow dance of the night, with his hands gently holding your waist, he at last listened to his conscience and revealed that as much as he liked you, he truly did not want to date in high school. Or right then, at least. And honestly, you were glad; Hyunjin was quite possibly your favorite person you had met thus far, and you would have rather kept him as a friend than commit to a relationship the second month of school and risk losing him later down the road.

And boy, keep him as a friend you did. As it turned out, Hyunjin grew to be your truest, best friend in high school. Sure, you each had your own friend groups, but the two of you were the iconic pair everybody knew. But strictly platonic, despite the rumors and wishes that went around for the next four years. You like to think that neither of you ever developed feelings past what everyone feels toward their best friend— an innocent, wholesome sort of love.

But when had things changed? Hormones, as always, were definitely a big part of it. Hyunjin was always a cutie, but it wasn’t until he grew into his own skin and developed a newfound confidence did you start to see him differently. Until everyone saw him differently. Neither of you missed the way people stared him down, pupils dilating every time he ran his fingers through the black tufts of his hair, hearts aching for some sort of interaction. Or when you started attending parties, groups of girls would fling themselves at him in a blundering disarray, most of which he would turn down with a gentle dismissal that flew over their heads, too drunk to actually care.

But then there were times his dick made the decision for him, desperation and deprivation weighing in on him and you’d watch with a tight jaw as he’d leave the room with the pretty girl of the night skipping after him. You never realized it was only on those nights did you wind up in the back seat of Han Jisung’s car.

But even after the physical attraction sizzled out over time, things were not the same. Hyunjin wasn’t your hidden little treasure anymore. All eyes were set on him and it took more than a glass of water to swallow your jealousy. But why? Why were you so resentful all of a sudden?

It’s hard to share Hwang Hyunjin, you decided. Once established that you were his main hoe and he was yours, it became a significant burden watching others try and get in between. Not that they did it with a malicious attempt to separate you, but it still hurt. You’re selfish, and you admit it— Hyunjin, quite frankly, is the love of your life. Romantic or not, nothing could change your feelings toward him. It goes beyond his unfathomable beauty and spunky personality. Everything about him from his nose to his hands, to his distaste for onions and the way his face scrunches up when he lets out that giggle of his and even to the way he prefers to sleep against the wall but will force you to when you’re over so he can “protect you in case there’s a monster” all mount into this big, giant section of your heart set aside for Hyunjin.

So despite your efforts to ignore the pang of jealousy each time he would find a potential someone or the joy whenever he’d find his way back because “they kept wanting to hang out in the morning even though I said I don’t wake up before noon,” this Hyunjin-shaped hole in your heart seems to only grow the longer you ignore it. Kind of like every medical condition out there: the longer you ignore it, the worse it gets. So, basically Hyunjin is your heart disease.

Yikes. Sounds a lot worse when you try putting it into words.

Well, he won’t be your heart defect for long if he keeps ruining those pearly whites of his by only brushing once just before bed, you chuckle to yourself, rolling to your side at the sudden lack of oxygen between your face and the pillow. There’s a fleeting moment without thought when you unconsciously reach for your phone to check for any notifications before the fattest revelation of them all falls from the ceiling and smacks you right upside the face.

Shit. Looks like you’ve gone right ahead and totally dissected each and every fiber of your feelings for Hyunjin.

Blinking up at the ceiling, the weight of your emotions isn’t as heavy as you expected them to be. Instead, it’s more of a breath of fresh air, as if you have finally accepted the way things fell instead of ignoring them. Your feelings for Hyunjin have always been there. It just took a little effort to get them out.

Nevertheless, it is going to be difficult hanging out with him in a few hours with your exposed emotions still needing to be processed. Especially when he will pull you to his side and keep you nestled there the entire night. Rubbing your temples, you realize it will take some serious self-control to put everything on the back burner and just enjoy the time spent with Hyunjin.

Sighing, you check the time on your phone again. 3:21 and a text from Hyunjin asking if you could bring green tea.

“Mom!” You yell, defeated. “You were right!”

You used to think Hyunjin lived far away. Truthfully, he’s only fifteen minutes away if you go ten over the speed limit. But the only way to get to his house entails driving through the chaos of the mall and town center, which adds an extra ten minutes sitting through traffic no matter the time of day.

Now, Hyunjin’s college campus is two hours away. Well, technically five from you, since you’re almost three hours away in the opposite direction. So you’re lucky if you get to see him once a month with how hectic school becomes and how difficult it is trying to plan to come home the same weekend. Fortunately, it has worked out this semester. And while you should spend this time with your families, they know how much you crave one another’s company as the weeks drag on. The twenty-two minutes it takes getting to each other’s homes is totally worth it.

You expect Hyunjin to tell you to use the key hidden underneath the resin meditating frog statue in the front garden to unlock the front door when you text him you have arrived, but to your utmost surprise, he’s there, awake, to open the door for you.

“Stinky!” You yell, dropping your things on the floor to burry yourself in his embrace, standing on your tippy toes to wrap your arms around his neck in order to really get the full experience of hugging your favorite giant. “Poopy!” He shouts in return, long arms winding tightly around your waist and even going so far as to lift you up a few inches. God. Hate when he does that.

“Why are you up? I thought I’d have to let myself in with you sleeping all your problems away,” you ask, smiling gratefully when he bends down to pick up your bag. “I realized Kkami hadn’t been out all day, so I came down to let him out and find actual food,” Hyunjin explains as he makes way into the kitchen, opening the back door to let said dog back inside. “Aw, poor thing,” you pout, squatting to scratch at Kkami’s neck when he zooms faster than the speed of light to you, “does that mean you brushed your teeth?”

“I did, actually,” Hyunjin snorts right back, scrunching his nose at you before turning away to open the fridge. Sitting on the floor with Kkami in your lap, you take the opportunity to finally get a good look at Hyunjin now that he’s distracted. And of course, he looks good. Really good. Last time you saw him he still was a brunette, a look he rocked during the spring and summer months. This is the first time you’ve seen the freshly dyed black hair in person. Even though he always looks handsome, something about Hyunjin with black hair completely changes his aura. Brings back memories of how badly you wanted him in high school. You shiver at the thought.

And, to top it all off, how he manages to stay in such disgustingly good shape despite his atrocious eating habits never ceases to amaze you. Like, come on. The boy eats worse than a raccoon seven days out of the week, lives off boba, works out maybe five times a month, dances in his free time and still keeps his body in tiptop shape. God, you hate him. His pediatrician probably hates him, too. You even go as far as to sniff the fries in your dining hall and you gain five pounds.

Even now, he looks unnecessarily regal in the baggy material of his sweatpants and flannel. And the warmth of his kitchen’s ambient lighting does nothing to suppress the heavy thumping of your heart. So casual is his dress, yet how immaculate he looks rummaging the cabinets for a snack.

“Are you hungry?” He asks, the familiar softness of his voice shaking you from your daze as he closes the refrigerator door after his unsuccessful search. Here’s the thing: you really aren’t hungry, but Hyunjin clearly is, so if you say no then all he will be thinking about is food until you decide that you are hungry. “Yeah,” is what you say, nudging Kkami off your crossed legs to stand, “I brought green tea and a few snacks, but we could order Chinese food or something. The place near Dunkin’ and the gas station makes bubble tea now, too.”

Hyunjin’s brows shoot up, flashing his boxy smile. “Is it good?”

“I mean, I’ve only had their pork dumplings and mango tea before, and it was pretty good. I don’t know about their noodles or anything, though,” you shrug, moving to stand beside him at the kitchen island. Distracted by Kkami trying to jump onto the sofa in the living room, you don’t look to Hyunjin until the poor dog is successful in doing so. Startled to find him already gazing down at you, your heart truly is not prepared for him to go right ahead and wrap his arms around your waist, resting his chin on your shoulder. Totally not freaking out or trying to overthink his need to constantly cling, you justify his actions by quickly recalling the time he said, “My head is too godtdamn big for my godtdamn body.” More like his head is too heavy because instead of a brain it’s just a chunk of cement up there. He just needs to rest his head sometimes.

Yeah.

“Mm, I don’t know,” Hyunjin hums, swaying your body with his to an unheard tune. By now, any coherent thought has dissipated into thin air and all you can do is melt against him. “Why?” You manage.

“’Cus if we order anything that means I’ll have to get up and get it.”

“Oh my God, Hyunjin, really?” You laugh. Your hands naturally glide to where his are linked at your stomach, pressing to interlock your fingers overtop his. “If that’s the only reason for your uncertainty than I could always come get it, idiot.”

“No! It’s okay,” Hyunjin says, jumping back before you can even process it, “I’m not that hungry anyway.”

“Ohhh ‘kay,” you laugh breathlessly, whiplashed by the whole thing. Good thing you aren’t hungry, because when was the last time Hyunjin turned down food? Blinking at him precariously, he doesn’t seem to notice until one too many seconds of silence pass by.

“C’mon,” he demands excitedly, jumping back into reality, “my roommate told me to watch this anime called Soul Eater but I wanted to watch it with you.” Once again, before anything can even register past every single That Was Cute™ alarm ringing in your brain, Hyunjin is grabbing your bag and reaching for your hand, leading you out of the kitchen and upstairs.

You and Hyunjin binge aforementioned anime until he falls asleep first around 2 AM, only stopping to order food an hour in (he’s an indecisive man indeed), to get up to retrieve it, and to actually eat while catching up. For most of the night, you are able to forget the way his heartbeat against your back mirrored your own in the kitchen. But then, a little while after you fall asleep yourself, Hyunjin unconsciously shifts closer and you spend another hour blinking at his relaxed hand twitching against your abdomen, trying to keep the hurricane inside your heart at bay.

You can’t make it home October. Hyunjin texted you to let you know he was going to be the third weekend in, and you tried desperately to manage your time in order to make it work. But one group project in chem lead to another paper in psych and before you knew it, your roommate was listening to you sob over a boy and curse out your classes.

September left you emotionally wrecked, to be totally honest. You hate Hyunjin and you hate the way he makes you feel and you especially hate how realizing you have a crush on him makes you unsure if everything he does is his way of hinting he feels the same or if he’s always been this touchy and you are just now recognizing it. So, missing a month of seeing your favorite human being essentially means missing another day of trying to decipher which actions of his go in the Friend list, and which go in the Questionable list. And that, my friend, is unacceptable.

You absolutely cannot not go home this month. November is the calm before the storm (the storm being exams looming the second week of December), and while it would be beneficial maybe staying on campus to continue preparing, you tell yourself going home will be just as helpful. Mental breaks, and stuff. Totally not just to see Hyunjin.

Either way, Hyunjin asks you if you would join him on the seventeenth to go to his second cousin’s christening and you absolutely cannot say no when you know how bored Hyunjin gets at family events when they aren’t for him. And so, fast forward to the third Sunday of November and you are ready to pass out ten minutes after entering the church.

“I’m so happy for you two! I always knew you would last into college,” one of Hyunjin’s aunts exclaims, pinching your cheeks but the only pinch you feel is that of your heart.

Clearly she is misinformed, or just prone to jumping to conclusions but yet again, you can’t really blame her with how couple-y you and Hyunjin are. Past the single tunnel vision of your gaze, you watch her smile falter when Hyunjin goes rigid beside you and oh my God this is the most embarrassing moment of my life, his whole family thinks we’re dating and here we are still stuck in each other’s friendz—

“I’m glad you think so, imo,” Hyunjin suddenly picks up, sneaking an arm around to rest his hand on your hip, tugging you close, “I don’t know what I’ll do if she ever decides to leave me.”

It’s nice to think that he means it, to imagine that you are here not as a tag-along but to join him in a family ceremony because you are part of the family. The thought turns your blood to sugar and everything surrounding you falls apart; you listen to the rest of their conversation without processing it, the precise detailing in the marble pillars blurs into a mass of white, and you still feel his strong hold on the curve of your waist yet you are lost in the swam of possibilities.

How lovely it would be to live up to her assumption. To ‘last into college’ as a couple, not as best friends. To be able to call him yours even when you’re not together, to come home and kiss his lips, to sleep in his bed and it mean more than the laziness of blowing up the air mattress. At some point, he leads you into the third pew to sit beside his parents, and when you greet them with a hug all you can think about is them viewing you as more than their son’s friend.

God, you hate it.

You’re not as religious as Hyunjin and his family. But for the first time in years, you find yourself looking to the crucifix during the service and praying to whoever is up there to give you some strength and patience, because Lord do you need it.

Hyunjin is a funny guy.

Or so he thinks.

It’s not that he isn’t funny. It’s just— compared to your friends Minho or Changbin, he isn’t at the top of the list. When you think of Hyunjin, the first words that pop up are soft, loud, and dramatic.

It’s not that he isn’t funny. He’s just weird.

Insanely, ridiculously weird. For example, the time he called Jeongin a vitamin. Or the time he slapped half a bottle of sunscreen on his face. Or his random bouts of dancing at inappropriate moments. Just to name a few.

After the Baptism, Hyunjin acted like nothing happened. Didn’t even bring it up. Not even a joke. After the ceremony, you joined his family for a luncheon, which just involved the two of you being weird and making peculiar dancing videos on SnapChat with the swirly filter and complaining about school for a few hours until he drove you home. Obviously you stopped for food again on the way.

But that was it. Things went on as normal, and you returned to campus later that night and forced the whole experience to the back of your brain. It was officially grind season, and grind season meant studying for exams. No parties. No boys. And certainly no Hyunjin.

You both were home for winter break in the blink of an eye. And in normal Hyunjin style, he sort of vanished for the first week. Probably catching up on his strict sleeping schedule, you presumed, and accepted the fact that it was going to be a few days before you saw or even heard from him. The only anticipation you felt was wanting to give him his Christmas gift.

After what seems like an eternity away from Hyunjin, you get out of the shower on this fine Saturday before Christmas to find a slew of texts from him.

[5:52 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇: Aloha mamacita

[5:52 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇: How do u feel about getting froyo tn

[5:52 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇: We can get fat and then u can sleepover aaaand

[5:52 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇: We can stare at the wall for a few hours

[5:52 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇: And

[5:53 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇: *cough*

[5:53 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇: Exchange Jesus gifts

See? Weird. Who wants froyo when it’s thirty degrees out?

[5:53 PM] YN: “aloha mamacita”

[5:53 PM] YN: uHmmmMMM

[5:53 PM] YN: im down mr president

[5:54 PM] YN: why do u want ice cream in winter tho. don’t u want like

[5:54 PM] YN: hot chocolate or seomthing

Obviously not. Two hours later, Hyunjin arrives to pick you up for froyo despite all your efforts in convincing him maybe you could take the train to the city and watch a light show, or simply drive around and swoon over the rich people houses and their Christmas decorations. He didn’t budge. This leads you to your second question of the day: why is it that when you threw on sweats for the occasion you called yourself a hag, but upon entering Hyunjin’s car you make a mental note of how hot he looks when he’s wearing the same exact thing? You groan at the thought. It’s because it’s Hyunjin, of course.

“Bonjour, mademoiselle,” he greets, flicking your forehead once you settle into the seat of his Subaru WRX because he’s a hotshot and likes to flex that he can drive a manual. Not really— the car is absolute garbage by now, having been his Dad’s old car (his Dad likes to flex too, apparently). However, Hyunjin takes care of it enough for it to seem five years old instead of ten, and, either way, watching him work the stick shift is unexplainably hot.

You swat his hand away. “Drive, bitch,” you huff, twisting to buckle yourself in. Once he’s reversed out of your driveway, you glance back to find him fighting against a devilish smirk.

“So,” you start once he has navigated out of your neighborhood. His brow twitches up. “Are you taking Hawaiian and French at school? You’ve been throwing quite a lot of languages at me recently.” Hyunjin shoots you an unamused look. You return it with a wrinkle of your nose.

“Anyway,” he ignores your teasing, pausing to switch gears for whatever reason so he can make it through a yellow light, “how did your exams go?”

“Well, you know…” You trail off, looking to your window. It feels a lot later than eight o’clock. With it getting dark so early in the evening nowadays, it feels as if nighttime is always following you.

“You know… what?” Hyunjin interrupts your daze, concern laced in his voice. “They were fine. I passed everything, I’m just worried about my major,” you explain sadly, barely glancing at him before you are turning back to the window to stare at the moon. Must be nice being a moon. Just get to hang out in the sky watching everyone and being watched.

“I mean, if you want to switch, now’s the time. Better do it now before the second semester,” Hyunjin advises, wise as always. Not really, but he’s right. “What are you thinking of going into?”

Yikes. He’s going to kill you.

“Nursing,” you blurt.

“Oh my Lanta, ___, are you serious?” He groans, stopping at a convenient red light presenting the perfect opportunity for him to smack his forehead on the wheel. Dramatic. “How are you gonna manage that? You’ll practically be two years behind everyone else!”

“I know,” you sigh, throwing your head back on the headrest, “that’s the problem. Bio just isn’t doing it for me. I don’t think I can spend the rest of my life in a lab watching mitosis. I need something more rewarding, so theoretically nursing is a perfect start. I don’t know, though.”

“Why don’t you switch to interior design or something? We could get our own HGTV show, ___,” he says, but you don’t meet his gaze when he glances over because beneath his words, you can sense some serious hopefulness. Interior design would be cool, but you’ve never considered that as a career choice. You once helped your parents pick out everything when they redid a bathroom at home and that turned out great, but as a major?

“I don’t know, man. I’ll have to talk to my counselor about it, I guess,” you shrug, pulling the hood of your sweatshirt over your head and tightening the drawstrings until the material covers your eyes, “why can’t you audition to be a K-pop star or something? I could be your manager. Heck, even your makeup artist. I’ve done your makeup before, remember?”

Hyunjin laughs, loud, and the sound sinks deep into your heart and makes you feel warm all over. Stress? Gone.

For the next few minutes or so, the ride is comfortably quiet. At some point, he turns on the radio and Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” floods your brain and reminds you to look forward to exchanging Christmas gifts later. God, you hope he likes it. You really went out on the sentimental gifts this year.

Hood shielding your vision, you jump when his large hand suddenly comes to grab the top of your head, squeezing hard and you imagine he’s trying to press some hopefulness into your brain. “Hand on the penis stick, Hwang,” you bark, blindly reaching for his own head across the way and pulling his ear when you do so. Good Lord, you hope no one can see into the car because… what.

Hyunjin lets out a giggle this time, reaching to pull you into a headlock and even though he’s got your head shoved up against his sturdy chest and goes on to give you a noogie, you’re stuck being all high and loopy on the sound of his happiness. And hey, it’s nice to know you’re the cause of it.

“We’re literally parked, idiot. If you had your hood down you would’ve realized,” Hyunjin snickers, releasing you after watching you struggle for a few seconds. Jerking away from him, you swiftly pull back your hood. “Oh,” you laugh, reading the flashy Yogo Factory sign above the building in front of you, “you could’ve just told me instead of watching me bask in misery.”

Hyunjin suitably ignores your moaning and groaning by getting out of the car and standing in front of the car, illuminated by the headlights. Why? Why must he look so scrumptious in his black hoodie and grey sweatpants and four-year-old white Nike sneakers? He has no gosh darn right!

After fixing the mess he made of your hair, you at last join him outside the car, shooting him another glare and moving ahead of him to open the shop’s door without waiting for him. “From now on, we have to start texting each other what we’re wearing before we go out, ‘cus this looks a little ri-donk-ulous,” Hyunjin whispers in your ear as you make your way to the cup selection, trying to ignore all the stares you— no, he is getting along the way.

“What do you mean?” You ask, plucking two medium sized cups up before turning to look at him. Then you look down at yourself. Oh. Looks like you’re both wearing the hoodie from junior spirit week. “Nice.” Just Couple Things™!

Back to Hyunjin being weird— why did he drag you all the way out here just to get a cup of chocolate frozen yogurt and maybe half a scoop of peanut butter chips?

Meanwhile, he watches in absolute disgust as you blow through your own dessert. Vanilla yogurt with probably every topping offered because you physically cannot make a decision, especially when they have chunks of cookie dough up there.

“So,” Hyunjin starts, trying not to look you in the eye considering you look like a goblin shoveling globs of diabetes down your throat, “have you talked to Jisung recently?”

You choke on a Fruity Pebble at his inquiry, prompting him to reach across the table and slap your back a few times until your esophagus is cleared. “Ugh,” clearing your throat one last time, you take a few sips of water while shooting him a glare. Jisung? Really? “How dense are you?” You hiss unintentionally.

Hyunjin raises his hands in defense. “Just a question.”

Yeah, just a question. Dumbass. “I mean,” you laugh awkwardly, “not really. We have a streak on Snap and sometimes we’ll talk occasionally but I don’t text him every day or anything. How about you?”

He shrugs, concentrating instead on stirring his yogurt into a goopy mess. “Eh. We still use our group chat a lot but that’s it. He’s too busy making music in Malaysia.”

You chuckle at this, picking out the boba from your own cup and leaving the rest now that it has started to look like something sold at the Chum Bucket. “That sucks,” you offer, not the best at giving him consolidation, you opt for linking your feet around his own in some weird act of intimacy, “isn’t he coming home for the holidays, though? I’m sure you can all have a reunion soon.”

“Yeah, he is,” Hyunjin hums, suddenly too focused on trying to escape your trap under the table. Annoyed Hyunjin is cute. “Stoooop,” he whines, kicking at your shins before breaking into boisterous laughter at your relentlessness, “I will not hesitate to throw this cup at your face.”

“Yeah, right,” you scoff, “I’d like to see you try.”

At this, Hyunjin drops his stupidly long arms beneath the table and easily captures your foot by the ankle, pulling hard enough for you to slip down your side of the booth. “Hyunjin!” You shriek, panicking slightly at your sweaty hand’s insecure grip against the leather. You’re going to fall. You’re going to fall flat on your ass underneath a table at a frozen yogurt place because the boy you like pulled your foot too hard. Fantastic. Ignoring you, he starts to wiggle your shoe off your foot no matter how hard you try to squirm out of his relentless grip. “Stop trying to eat my toes in the middle of Yogo!”

Finally, he releases your foot, letting it fall limp against his thigh.

“God,” you huff, breathless as you squirm back up your seat, cheeks burning ferociously, “you are such an ass.”

Behind the playful smirk he fails to hide, something darker glints in Hyunjin’s eyes and it makes your heart skip a beat. Then, “We should go.” The suggestion makes the heat of your blush scorch even hotter down your neck and you instinctively turn away, only to find the customers on the other side of the shop watching you with just as perturbed looks. Fantastic, part two.

“Okie,” you squeak out, blinking after him in complete and total bewilderment as to what just happened when he gets up to throw his trash away. Whatever. Following after him, you too toss your cup out before quickly finding your hand engulfed by his larger one as he leads you back outside, the sudden sharpness of the cold air bringing tears to your eyes. You desperately want to ask him what that was about, or why he’s acting so sneaky, but you stay silent, too afraid your voice will come out shaky and vulnerable. Instead, you let him tug you into his side and try to keep up with him no matter how badly your knees threaten to buckle with each glance you sneak up at him.

It’s silent when you enter the car, watching warily as he reverses out of the parking spot and maneuvers through the lot. Your heart rate seemingly cannot slow itself down, adrenaline taking the place of oxygen the longer you stare at him, at the concentrated scrunch to his face, at the cute tip of his button nose and at the swell of his lips and you distantly wonder what would happen if you pulled him into a kiss at the next red light.

In the midst of your daydream Hyunjin clears his throat, bringing you back to reality and you realize with a startle that he has caught you. Jesus Christ! What has gotten into you? You mentally smack yourself upside the head, instantly turning away from his cocky little gaze and staring straight ahead in search of something else to focus on. “___,” he sing-songs, slow and sensual and entirely demolishing the walls you have built around yourself. It is at this red light you wish to simply open the door and run.

“Yes?” You manage, wincing at how small your voice sounds and while looking out his window instead of into his eyes, you notice him grip the steering wheel hard enough to turn his knuckles white. The tension is insurmountable, weighing in heavily on your chest and you desperately wish to arrive home, even though that means having to survive the next twelve hours with him. Anything is better than the small confines of his car.

“What do you want to do when we get home?” He asks, cool as a cucumber. You pale. It is a dangerous question and you do not know if he realizes that. “Um,” you cough, scooting to sit up straight, “whatever you want.” You whisper the last part, genuinely petrified because you have absolutely no idea if your brain is twisting everything to make it seem like Hyunjin is flirting or if things are totally normal. No idea.

“Hm,” he offers, tilting his head in thought, “we shall see.”

Yeah. We shall.

The rest of the ride is quiet, comfortably or uncomfortably you cannot say because you are too busy trying to calm the Spongebob burning office scene occurring inside your own head, hopelessly telling yourself that everything is fine, Hyunjin’s fine, you’re fine. Just pretend like nothing happened, you tell yourself when Hyunjin pulls into his driveway with practiced ease. “Ugh,” he groans after retrieving your bag from the back seat, and you watch with a raised brow as he skips up to his porch, yelling, “I have to pee!”

“Begone with you, piss boy,” you tease, holding the screen door open for him as he struggles to unlock the storm door and pulling on one of his hoodie’s drawstrings just to annoy him. “Stop,” he growls, low and playful but nevertheless sending a swarm of butterflies to your tummy. You ignore him. Finally unlocking the door, Hyunjin shoves the keys into his pocket and seizes your wrist, yanking your arm down with enough force to nearly topple you into him. “Why are you being so annoying tonight?” He frowns at you, nose and brows scrunched in irritation and it is only because of his proximity do you finally soften up.

“Sorry,” you pout back, bringing your other hand up to boop his nose, “I just missed ya.”

“Ew,” he snorts, stepping past the threshold and kicking off his shoes. You follow suit, closing the door behind you and clicking the lock into place as Kkami comes sprinting over. “B-R-B,” Hyunjin announces, presumably bouncing away to the bathroom.

“Oh, boy,” you huff, squatting to pick up the fluffy little dog and hugging him close to your chest, “your dad is making my life very difficult.” Pressing a quick kiss to the top of his head, you put Kkami back down and grab your bag before heading upstairs, knowing Hyunjin is going to take his grand old time and probably take a shit while he’s at it. Plus, you’re impatient and dying to take your bra off.

Aside from what light his Gudetama nightlight offers, Hyunjin’s room is ultimately left dark. Here’s the thing: he used to have a lamp on his dresser, but then he took it with him to college and only brings it home for summer because he’s lazy and sleeps the majority of the time he’s home, anyway. Instead, he put up his little remote-controlled Christmas tree in addition to the lava lamp he has beside his bed. Perfect. For Hyunjin, at least.

Switching both of these on, their subtle glow offers just enough to keep you from banging your toe against something. It’s happened one too many times. Hyunjin’s room isn’t messy— he really isn’t a messy person to begin with, but he will reorganize the furniture in his room fifty times a year and you never know where the crooked leg to his bedside table will be to ambush your pinky toe.

Setting your bag onto his bed, you excitedly fumble past all your layers and unclasp your bra, maneuvering out of it with a delighted exhale just as Hyunjin begins his ascent up the stairs, steps creaking loudly under his heavy trudging. “I’m an idiot,” he grumbles, leaning against the doorframe to catch his breath.

You don’t bother to look at him, opting to quickly retort instead, “We been knew.”

“Ugh,” Hyunjin groans, exasperated, and you finally turn to him after successfully jamming aforementioned undergarment into your bag, “anyways. I don’t know why I didn’t just come up here, because I have to wash my face anyway and you do too and now we’re both going to have to share a sink.”

“Aw,” you coo, tone dripping with sarcasm as you pat his arm, “poor baby has to share the bathroom.”

“I’m actually going to strangle you,” he sighs, nevertheless following after you into the bathroom.

“Kinky.”

Hyunjin glares, unamused as he opens a drawer for his pink bow hairband and your striped pink and blue one that he bought for you, but keeps here for sleepovers. Yeah. He throws it to your face. “Sorry,” you offer, pulling the soft headband up to hold your hair back, “I’ll try to stop. I’m just so used to annoying you.”

“Clearly,” he scoffs, flashing his stupidly cute teasing smile and in your head, you imagine raising a white flag in surrender— he’s got you, he’s won, it’s over. Time to call it quits and head home. Evidently shut up (for now), you offer him a roll of your eyes before turning on the sink to wet your hands before pumping out some of his scrumptious watermelon face wash. Maybe if you scrub hard enough, you’ll manage to rinse away all the overwhelming thoughts of the night, too.

Barefaced Hyunjin is immaculate. Well, Hyunjin is immaculate twenty-four hours out of the day, but barefaced, freshly washed, hair messy, ready for bed Hyunjin is immaculate, and you are one of the few people lucky enough to see this eighth wonder of the world as often as you do.

Now, maybe it has something to do with the unexpected ambiance the light from his laptop, Christmas lights, and lava lamp have created together that makes him look so unfairly beautiful at this given moment. Or, you’re just insanely pussywhipped and looking for an excuse. You try not to think about it.

“Why are you so squirmy tonight?” He asks, frustrated enough to interrupt Kermit singing ‘Shawty I don’t mind’ playing from his laptop. “I’m not,” you defend, a weak argument indeed, given that you have just finished adjusting your position beside him for the umpteenth time.

“I mean, four female Ghostbusters? The feminists are taking over! I’m an ad—”

“___, you’ve touched my dick like four times. Don’t try and tell me you’re not squirmy. What’s wrong?” Hyunjin interrupts a second Vine, and even goes on to talk over ‘I have the power of God and anime on my side!’ like a lunatic. Oh Christ, you have? Surely you would have noticed. “Sorry,” you mumble, embarrassed as you bury your face into the curve of his pectoral and instinctively move your leg settled between his away, “I’m just hot, to be honest.” Technically, it is not a lie. Hyunjin’s family definitely keeps their thermostat at a higher temperature than yours and you always manage to sweat your ass off every time you come over. This time, however, you are certain it has more to do with the assault your heart is facing rather than your sweat glands.

At the sound of his tap against the spacebar to pause the video, you wordlessly and reluctantly sit up from your comfortable spot beside him in order to rid yourself of your heavy sweatshirt. Now, here lies the problem. Sweatshirt: off. Nipples: out. Realistically, Hyunjin has seen your boobs a number of times over the past few years, and even if he hadn’t, he probably wouldn’t even bat an eye. But right now, your heart is on the line, you’re embarrassed and you’re trying to play it extremely safe.

You toss the hoodie to the floor and nestle right back where you were anyway, slinging your right arm over his torso and ignoring his sharp intake of breath when you snuggle closer. “Better?” He asks, voice strained and it literally makes you nauseous. “Yep.”

He resumes the video. You had started early in the night watching Pom Poko, which unsurprisingly ended with the two of you crying at the bittersweet ending, then moved to TikTok compilations on YouTube to cheer up before moving on from them and onto the classic Vine compilations. You paid good attention for the most part, chuckling along with him to ‘What up, I’m Jared, I’m nineteen and I never fucking learned how to read,’ ‘Bruh chill, I don’t know why you in a big time rush,’ and all the other absolute comedic masterpieces. But after the fourth or fifth video of the same six second clips with an occasional rare one, you began to grow bored and decided to do what you do best: admire Hyunjin.

Sure, ‘Come get yo juice!’ followed by the loud smash of the oven made you smile, but you found the flashing lights casting shadows beneath Hyunjin’s eyes and lips much more fascinating. Of course, this is not the first time you have been held so close to him. But it is, however, all too easy to get lost in the sight of him and you’ve noticed recently that you are in desperate need of a map. Whether it’s due to your time away from him or simply an appreciation for untouched beauty you do not know.

Even now, your gaze flickers to his laptop once you hear ‘Get to Del Taco,’ but having already watched it five thousand times you tilt your head upward to catch Hyunjin’s silent giggle at ‘free-sha-voca-do.’ It’s a vicious cycle, really, going back and forth between wanting to simply enjoy the night and realizing enjoying the night lies totally in Hyunjin’s presence. And so, you continue to fall into this trap each time until you pay no mind to the videos at all, basking in the brilliance of Hyunjin’s joyous smile and the warmth his happiness makes you feel. It is this thought that slowly tugs you to sleep, a fight to keep your heavy eyelids open lost until finally, you give in to the comfort and allow yourself to drift off to the sound of ‘Step the fuck up, Kyle.’

You think you are dreaming.

You think.

“___,” the softness of Hyunjin’s voice at the crown of your head eases you from the clutches of sleep and you stretch your locked limbs before curling further into his side. “We didn’t open presents.” Even though you can’t see him, you can hear his pout, and you realize you must be awake to hear the disappointed words caught sluggishly between his lips so vividly. You hum, hesitant to open your eyes because you really want to go back to sleep. Just for a little while. And so, you ask, “What time is it?”

“Just past two,” he whispers.

You hum again, trying to formulate a sensible sentence in the parts of your brain still asleep, “We can… wake up at four. And open gifts. Okay?”

“Okay, weirdo,” Hyunjin chuckles to himself, sliding lower down the mattress after shutting his laptop.

You think you are dreaming.

You think.

You can’t remember ever falling asleep facing each other. But yet again, your brain is clouded beyond capability and now, you know for certain you are dreaming. Hyunjin never faces you.

Blinking slowly, it takes a few seconds for your eyes to adjust to the impenetrable darkness and you struggle to make out the features of Hyunjin’s face. You know you are dreaming, and so you tug him closer, throwing a leg over his thigh and an arm over his waist. Even in your sleep, you feel the sadness pricking at your heart, for even it knows this is only what dreams are made of. You like to make the best of it.

“You know I love you, Jinnie, right?” Your voice comes out funny, drawn out and mumbled like your tongue is numb and you fight the urge to feel for yourself.

“Of course I do. I love you too.” His reply surprises you. You thought he was asleep and, either way, hearing such fond words from him puts your heart at ease. He must be misunderstood.

“No. I mean like… I like you, love you. Like I want to kiss you… kiss you good morning and before bed love you. Send you hearts and take stupid couple pics and… go on dumb dates love you. You know?” Your words feel garbled and incomprehensible the longer you go on, trying to express how you feel when nothing is real proving to be increasingly difficult. God, if only you could do it when things are real.

You start to feel yourself slipping as he mutters a reply, mind in free fall and fuck, fuck, fuck, he’s whispering and you can’t hear him but you are too tired and helpless to wake yourself up to hear it. No, too lost in the next dream to go back. You can’t tell what is real and what isn’t. Christ, were you awake? You can’t tell. All you know is that you are warm, so, so warm and letting sleep take over you once more is the best answer to all your questions.

Hyunjin always says he hates waking people up. Because he’s normally the one needing to be awoken, whenever the roles are swapped he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do.

This time, however, he takes it upon himself to repeatedly smack your face with his pillow. Not a fun experience when it’s coming from someone who fails to recognize his own strength. “Jesus, fuck! Okay!” You hiss, the cloud of sleep abruptly ripped away from you with the slap of his pillow against your skin. Arms raised defensively in front of you, you catch his next swing and tear the pillow out of his grasp to shield yourself all before you have even opened your eyes. When you do so, with the blatant intention just to find where he is and hurl the pillow at him, you are met with the harsh light from his ceiling fan and have to squint past the stinging white light to see his shit-eating grin.

“Was that necessary?” You groan, undeniably annoyed and wanting to glare at him more but needing to rub the ache out of your eyes. “Yes,” is all he says, reaching for your bag and catapulting it to you. He is incredibly lucky you are quick enough to catch it before it thumps against your head. What has gotten into him? Did he eat an entire bag of Pixy Stix while you were asleep? You watch, still dazed from sleep and reeling from the whole pillow smacking attack, as he flings open his closet door and turns back around with two neatly wrapped boxes. You squint to make out the dancing Santa T-rex wrapping paper.

“Oh,” you chirp, understanding, and you unzip your bag to retrieve the large box taking up the majority of space, “thanks for waking me up. I’m surprised you remembered. Did you stay up?”

A rosy blush burns its way across his cheekbones. Odd. “I, um— yeah. No, actually,” he stutters, really odd, given he was bouncing off the walls not even thirty seconds ago, “I set an alarm. You made me sleepy.” Hyunjin sits beside you once you have scooted over, leaning against the wall and crossing his long ass legs. He keeps his eyes trained on the boxes in his hands. “Oh,” you hum, looking to your own gift and suddenly wishing for the mattress to swallow you up, “sorry. I haven’t gotten as much sleep as you on break so far.”

“I don’t think anyone ever has,” he jokes and you finally look to him, sharing a cheeky smile before he gets all shy again, tongue darting out to wet his lips, “um, Merry Christmas, ___.”

It’s a simple phrase, but it makes your heart swell. “Merry Christmas to you too, Hyunjin.” Leaning over, you wrap your arms around his shoulders in an awkward side hug, but still end up feeling all drunk and loopy on love when he eagerly returns the gesture, arms curling around you.

“Okay,” you huff, sitting back, “me first.” You dramatically hold your gift out to him, jittery and nervous all over. Buying for Hyunjin is always hard. He’s just so easy to please, but when you want to do more than just please him it’s a constant battle trying to decide how far out you are going to go for him each year.

You watch impatiently as he tears the wrapping paper open first, and then finally lifts the flaps of the box up. “Aw,” he whimpers, pulling out the quokka plushie and attached certificate, “you adopted a quokka for me?”

You grin when he hugs the soft stuffed animal to his chest, the weight on your shoulders partly lifted from his positive reaction. He reaches back into the box, brow scrunched in thought as he regards the framed picture. “The First Day…?” Hyunjin asks, perplexed as he reads the title above the constellation poster. You scoot closer, leaning over to look it over once more. “This was the constellation of stars on our first day of freshman year. The day we first met.”

“Oh,” Hyunjin sniffs, “that’s really awesome, ___. Thank you. This is coming with me to school.” At this, he hugs you again, probably to hide the tears you know are threatening to spill because Hyunjin is Baby and cries every year. “Anything for my favorite fake Aussie,” you smile, leaning your head on his shoulder as he reads through the quokka adoption letter.

“Okay! Your turn!” He exclaims, setting his gifts back into the box and passing you the smaller one of his. He catches your curious glance to the second one he keeps by his side. “We have to open this one together.”

“Christ, okay. Looks like I’m gonna be crying tonight, too,” you sigh sadly. “Ooh,” jumping ahead of yourself, you wiggle your eyebrows at the white box before you, “Hyunjin if you bought me a Fitbit… I swear to God. How many times have I said I am not working out with you?” However, once you finish tearing open the wrapping paper you find it is not, in fact, a Fitbit.

“It’s not a Fitbit, idiot,” Hyunjin scoffs a second too late, waiting for you to slip the lid off the box. “They’re bond touch bracelets.”

“Explain,” you murmur, enamored but confused at the two little house arrest looking bracelets.

“So basically, we each wear one,” Hyunjin starts, taking one of the bracelets out and a burst of color blooms across its small screen at the motion, “and if you touch it, mine vibrates and I ‘feel’ your touch.” As he explains, he buckles it around your wrist, twisting it so it lies correctly. You silently take the second one and help it on him, brain too caught up to actually say anything.

“Try it,” Hyunjin whispers, suppressing his excitement.

You gingerly bring a finger to the little screen, tapping it once, twice. Nothing happens. Frowning, you try again, tapping and holding, then a second time, and finally— a strip of pink light appears and the bracelet gently vibrates as you tap and hold a random pattern. In response, the bracelet on Hyunjin’s wrist lights up blue, buzzing in the same pattern.

“Oh, Hyunjin,” you sniffle, fighting back your own tears because you refuse to let yourself ugly cry in front of him, “this is amazing. Now I can annoy you year-round. Thank you so, so much. I love you so much.” He hums, pulling you close when you turn to give him a proper hug. To your utmost surprise, however, instead of letting go he curls one fist into your side and helps swing your legs over to straddle his lap. “Oh.”

“___,” Hyunjin sighs thoughtfully, fingers playing with the sleeves of your tee, “I love you, too.”

You nearly spit up your coffee. If you were drinking coffee. Instead, you’re left with a dry mouth and a slack jaw at his words. Huh?

Glancing to the constellation picture peeking out of his box, and then to the matching bracelets you both wear, you find your mind reeling trying to make sense of it all. Yeah, you say the forbidden L-word to each another all the time, but most certainly not with you on his on lap and his lips mere centimeters away. The answer is so obviously clear as day you have trouble believing it.

“Fuck,” you laugh all of a sudden, as soon as the realization hits you, “I wasn’t dreaming, was I?”

Hyunjin lets out a joyous giggle, hands linking behind your back. Unable to hide his smile any longer, he clarifies, “You were not, madam. We literally just finished talking about when we were going to open gifts and then I got ready to sleep. Two seconds later you dumped your heart out to me, but when I answered, you were asleep.”

“Bruh,” you wince, hiding your face with your hands, “I am so sorry you had to deal with that.”

“No, don’t be,” Hyunjin comforts, reaching to tug your hands away. Your gut does somersaults when he intertwines his fingers with yours. “I was actually, uh, planning on doing some sort of confession to you anyway, but then you went right ahead and did it for me. So thanks for that.”

“Wow,” you chuckle, trying to wrap your mind around it all, “does that mean you, ahem, perhaps like me too?”

“No, I just got us really couple-y long distance relationship bracelets, pulled you onto my lap, and kissed you because I just want to be friends.”

“You didn’t kiss m—”

The sly little fucker interrupts your retort by quickly dipping down to press a fat smooch to your lips, missing miserably and you don’t know if he did it on purpose but you quickly fix the problem, releasing his hands to cradle his jaw and tilt his head the right angle. Finally, finally you kiss him, breathing in the smell of him like some sort of aromatherapy and whimpering into his mouth when his tongue swipes against your own. It is like nothing you have ever experienced, the taste and feel of him making you tremble and igniting a burst of electricity through your veins. You could kiss him forever, you think, sucking on his plump bottom lip greedily until he finally pulls back, desperate for air or trying to reel himself in you can’t say.

“You have to open your other gift,” Hyunjin reminds, chest heaving, and your gaze follows his long fingers as they comb his hair away from his forehead. Automatically, as if kissing Hyunjin once grants you some kind of free pass to do the same, you brush a few stray strands away from his face before leaning back to admire him. “Stoooop. You can’t do that and not expect me to kiss you again. Open. Your. Gift.” Hyunjin whines, squishing your cheeks and turning your head away.

“Okay, don’t blame this on me,” you huff, reaching for the second box before jabbing a finger into his chest, “you, sir, need to stop being so beautiful for like, two seconds.”

He scoffs, helping you rip off the wrapping paper, “You’re the beautiful one here.”

“Ew,” you wrinkle your nose, most certainly not used to Hyunjin dishing out such compliments, “this is too Hallmark Christmas movie for me. Let me open my gift in peace, ugly.” This box, unlike the bracelets’, is simple cardboard and when you lift open the lid, a brown leather book looks back at you. “You remember Up?” He asks.

On the leather, it reads Our Adventure Book in mismatched colors. “Yeah,” you whisper, flipping open the cover to find two baby pictures glued on the paper, one of Hyunjin, and one of you. At the top, it’s labeled ‘Before Shit Went Down.’ You laugh.

On the next page, there are random photographs from middle school, and then finally each other’s eighth grade graduation portraits. Then, written at the top is ‘Here It Begins,’ followed by a selfie he randomly took with you a few weeks into school freshman year, and then some from homecoming. Silently flipping through the rest of the book, your tears flow freely now, touched beyond comparison at all the photographs and all the memories accompanying them. Some are from large events like prom, others from random moments you don’t even remember, but each and every one comes together to form a special mold fitting perfectly into that Hyunjin-shaped hole in your heart.

The last picture is from the christening last month. Of course, it isn’t one of the nicer photos his mom took of the two of you, but a SnapChat selfie with the flaming sunglasses filter. He’s mid-laugh and you’re pressing a kiss to his cheek. Funny thing is, you don’t even remember taking it.

The page next to it is blank, aside from what’s written at the top of the page. “Togetha Foreva,” you read aloud, voice choked up and God, you cannot fathom how gross you look right now. “What the fuck, man!” You sob, punching Hyunjin’s shoulder before wiping your nose and cheeks with the back of your hands. “I didn’t sign up for this cock and ball torture.”

Hyunjin laughs loudly at this, pulling you into a hug and giving you a few seconds to recover. “Hyunjin, this is like… seriously the best thing anyone has ever done for me, holy shit. God, you Pinterest son of a bitch, this is such a good idea,” you groan, flipping back through the pages and getting teary-eyed all over again, “I can’t express how much this means to me, Jinnie. Thank you, really.”

Flashing that toothy grin of his, Hyunjin tugs you to lie back down with him and tilts your head up to press a much more accurate kiss to your lips. “I meant what I said before, ___,” he murmurs, “I don’t know what to do without you, and I know we only get to see each other once a month but I can’t keep living as just friends. You’re so much more than that. And I hope all the pictures we add from now on will show this new chapter of our lives. If not, well, then I guess I’ll just burn the book.”

“Are you asking me to be Kkami’s official poop-picker-upper?”

“Yes. Wait— what? No!”

You break into a fit of laughter, only to be interrupted with him pinching your side and causing you to let out a yelp. “Hey!” You bark, jumping closer to him and away from his hand until, finally, you give in to your self-indulgence and go right on ahead in swinging a leg over his hips and pinning him beneath you.

“You ruined my serious love speech, ___,” Hyunjin pouts, face scrunched up at you.

“I’m sorry, baby, go on.”

You pause, blinking slowly at him. He blinks back, the silence in the air weighing in heavily as both of your two brain cells bounce around trying to figure out what did you just call him?

“Never mind,” Hyunjin says, voice a low rumble of thunder as he reaches for your hips and easily flips positions, “I think you’re on the same boat.”

You laugh, tilting your head back and eyeing him indignantly. Fuck, he looks unfairly delectable hovering above you.

“Okay, how many more times do I have to tell you I love you for you to formally ask me to be your girlfriend, stupid?” You scowl, bringing your hands to cradle his neck, thumbs brushing delicately against his jaw.

“Call me baby again and we’ll see about making that happen.”

You raise a brow, tugging his face closer by the chain of his necklace. “You’re lucky it’s Christmas, baby.”

[neon-junkie]

I’m not a Monster

Summary: After being rejected yet again, Micah wonders off to the outskirts of camp. His mind wanders, and he questions if he really is as bad as people make him out to be.

Word Count: 1588

Rating: SFW

Tags: Thoughts, Feelings, Redemption.

Notes: you know that camp interaction where Micah asks Mary-Beth to dance, and she rejects him? that line Micah says, 'im not a monster', just hits me right in the feels every time. So this is just some rambling of Micahs thoughts after that event happens.

"I ain't a monster, Miss," Micah tells her, but it's obvious from her body expression and the frown on her face that she isn't interested. Whatever. Micah moves on. This isn't the first time he's dealt with rejection, but something feels different today. He feels off. For the first time in a long time, Micah feels hurt, but it's not Mary-Beth's fault. She hasn't done anything wrong, she's just been honest with him and Micah can't fault her for that. He isn't like those men that won't take no for an answer; Micah knows when he's not wanted, and he's not going to force approval from anybody. That just isn't his style. Micah wanders to the outskirts of camp, a common place for him to linger. He's far enough to be isolated, but not so far that he doesn't feel left out. It doesn't matter anyway, the camp doesn't want him there and he knows that. Micah knows what people say about him, how they feel about him. Yes, Micah's done far too many bad things to never be considered for a redemption arc, but every time he attempts to change, people shut him down before he can even move a muscle. 

He is a monster, isn't he? Micah Bell, the man who first made the newspapers at aged 17, alongside his father and brother. He kept that scrap of newspaper for so many years, only recently discarding it back at his little camp near Strawberry after an embarrassing breakdown. Micah hates guilty emotions, he hates anything that makes him feel like lesser than himself, and he'll do whatever he can to bury those emotions deep enough so that they'll never see the light of day again. He'd spent the night clearing out out Baylock's saddlebags and his coat pockets when he found the piece of paper again. Normally when he reads it, a smile comes to his face, but it didn't this time. Micah had recently tried reaching out to his brother, to try and rekindle those flames but Amos put that spark out fast. His letter back to Micah was harsh, but Micah understood why. He's not surprised that Amos rejected him, Micah would reject himself too if given the chance. Wouldn't he? Micah sighs as he leans against the tree, looking out over the dip of water that surrounded Clemens Point. Would he reject himself? If another Micah was stood before him, would he really bring harm to himself? Is he really that bad? Micah knows the answer simply because he's debating about it. He doesn't quite hate himself, a little less than that. He has pride over the chaos he creates and the bounty over his head, but when it comes down to self-acceptance, Micah just can't accept himself. He truly is his own father's creation, Micah Bell the third. His father and his grandfather were just as ungodly and feral as he is, but Micah's yet to become the worst. He's had his fair share of murders and robberies, but he's still young, and his kill count is still far less than his ancestors. Maybe there is still time for a redemption arc. Maybe Micah will take Amos's letter as a wake-up call to finally change himself. Sure, he's going to miss the adrenaline rush that he gets when he kills another man, and his index fingers will continue to twitch as he misses that high he gets when he pulls the trigger, but maybe a life within civilization isn't that bad. Amos can do it, so why can't he? Would Micah really be happy though? A well-dressed, clean, and friendly Micah, holding down a normal job within the walls of Saint Denis so he can feed his children and wife. Micah pulls a face at the thought of it; that just isn't him. He's always wanted a family, just like most men do, and he's tried over and over but the rejection continues to come, just like tonight. For God's sake, he can't even get a woman to dance with him, let alone take his surname and bear his children. He's hopeless. "Pull yourself together," Micah tells himself as his bottom lip begins to shake. He refuses to let those lesser emotions get the better of him, especially not over a damn woman. He refuses to cry for anybody, even himself. There's nothing worse than allowing another person to have control over your emotions, and if Micah Bell isn't in control of himself at all times, then he isn't Micah Bell. He's said it before and he'll say it again, but if any man allows a woman to tell them what to do and how to feel, then they're no man at all. His father taught him that from day one, and although Amos has rejected that out-dated way of thinking, Micah won't. Micah can't, simply because he's never been given the chance. Maybe one day Micah will come across a woman that leaves him so breathless and turns him into mush, that without realizing it, all his father's teachings go out the window and he simply becomes putty in her hands. Micah won't admit it, not even to himself, but he longs for that. He longs for a woman to break down his walls and build bridges instead, he longs for a woman that will give him the time of day, a woman that looks at him with warm and lustful eyes rather than a scowl on her face. But Micah will never get that. He knows this. He's only on this earth because his father knocked up a prostitute. He knows that men like himself and his father will never find somebody to truely love them, no woman is attracted to chaos. Women like tender things, like flowers and walks in the park. Don't they? Micah isn't too sure because he's never had a conversation with a woman for long enough to even realize what that other sex is really like. The closest he's ever got to anything even remotely loving was a gentle kiss that some prostitute placed on his cheek after he finished his round with her. Ugh. Fuck. Micah waves his hand, dismissing those thoughts. He's disappointed in himself for allowing his mind to trail off on those forbidden subjects: women and feelings. "Just give up," Micah tells himself. Women don't want him, they'll never want him. The camp doesn't want him, regardless of how many times he's tried to be kind to them. The only person who actually tolerates him is Dutch, he's the only one out of the lot that'll actually speak to him in the first place. He's tried to get along with Dutch's closest members, Arthur and Hosea, but oh god, they shot him down before Micah could even open his mouth. Is he really that bad? What is it about him that puts people off? Sure, he doesn't take much care of his appearance other than shaping his facial hair and having a wash every once in a while, but there was clearly something about his aura that screamed 'stay away' to everybody, without Micah intending it to. He only hangs around this lot because it's safer for wolves to roam in packs. It also means Micah has gunmen to spare, he doesn't have to do chores because the women and the other rejects do that for him, and there's guaranteed income because Dutch is as money hungry as he is. Micah's been itching to start his own gang for a while now, and he plans to do so when the time is right. Cleet and Joe are down for it, they just need to plan it properly and find a few lost souls to drag into his posse with the false promise of redemption and security. Dutch does it well, and Micah's already began picking up on how he does it so he can repeat that pattern himself one day. The fact that Micah is already planning to start his own gang clearly shows that he's past the point of saving. He's a bad man, but Micah's never considered himself a monster, regardless of what other people say. Folk are harsh and judge without knowing the facts first, and Micah is sure that if they knew his back story, then they'd know that he's not a monster. He's just a man who was never taught right from wrong. No, he was taught right from wrong, but his father taught everything back to front. Micah sighs once more. Why is he thinking about all this? Why has he allowed these thoughts to cross his mind, all because some woman rejected him? Fuck sake. So be it. Every single person he ever come across think Micahs a monster without even getting to know him. Folk are harsh, and the world is even harsher. It's kill or be killed, and you can either win or lose within this game called life. There's not a single soul out there that'll give Micah the time of day, so why does he bother with dreaming about his own redemption arc so often? Micah gives up. He's not a good man, he'll never be a good man. He'll be exactly what his father taught him to be, and even worse. Everybody makes Micah out to be eviler than he is, so what's the point in trying to make people see that he's really not that bad? If it's a monster they want, then it's a monster they'll get.

[mithranqueersmusings]

The Night Before X

Chapter: 10/15

Rating: T

Summary: Ringo hangs around after the club closes and meets a stranger.

Tags: Smut, Slow Burn

Pairing: George Harrison/Ringo Starr (Background McLennon)

AO3 link here / Fic masterlist here

Morning seemed to arrive suddenly without much warning, Ringo pressed his head down onto the pillow and before he knew it several hours had passed. He felt far more refreshed than he'd been expecting, but the mess in the living room was enough to remind him of last night's antics. George woke up relatively soon after Ringo, enjoying the cups of tea Ringo made for the both of them. They didn't speak much, but Ringo felt there wasn't anything that needed to be said, they just enjoyed one another's company as they trudged through their waning hangovers.

The two of them recounted the night fondly over pieces of toast, not wasting much time before they headed over to reclaim George's abandoned attire. The host of the party, whom neither of them recognised, gave them a strange look as they returned the shirt and shoes. Apparently nothing major had happened with the police, seemingly they just wanted to scare everybody off. Ringo feigned being annoyed at the prospect, but in reality he couldn't have been happier with how the night had turned out.

Returning to Ringo's, George hopped into the shower once again. Ringo began clearing up, which consisted mostly of chucking everything into a bin bag which was left in the kitchen to be dealt with later. While he waited for George to finish he finally responded to John's texts.

sorry i didn't see these im still with george

you really are obsessed with him aren't you??

no comment

well good for you rings its about time you got some

thanks dad

you wanna come over later?? paul wants to get a chinese

sounds good to me

be sure to bring all the juicy details about your juicy date

it wasn't a date

was it juicy????

shut up ill see you later

It wasn't long after Ringo put his phone down that George had reappeared, fully dressed with his hair slightly damp.

"Hey, I don't want you to think I'm running out on you or anything..." George began.

"But you're gonna run out on me." Ringo completed with a grin.

"Yes." George chuckled "I had a great time though, really. Thanks for everything, you're an absolute saint."

"My pleasure." Ringo couldn't help feeling a little sad, knowing that they'd soon be apart "Do you want a lift back?"

"No, no, you've done more than enough already." George fiddled with the zip on his jacket.

They looked at one another for a few moments before Ringo broke the silence "Can I see you again? Preferably sober, but I'm flexible."

George laughed "Sure... I'm a little busy these next few days but I'll let you know. I've got your number."

"Alright well I guess I'll see you later, then." Ringo smiled solemnly.

"See you later." George repeated, turning to leave but stopping for a moment "Let me know how much I owe you for those chips."

"Oh, sure." Ringo nodded "They were alright then?"

"I've had better." George smiled "Next time I'll chose where we eat."

Ringo said nothing more, just widening his smile a little as George made his way out of the flat. Ringo tried to keep his spirits light, focusing on the day ahead. At least George seemed genuine about wanting to see each other again, Ringo could hold onto that for a while at least.

He headed straight back to bed, an easy way of making time pass before he could see John and Paul. Most of the remaining time he spent cleaning, just to make the time pass. Having a moment of weakness, he picked up the shirt George had discarded and brought it to his nose to smell. It only made him miss George all the more, but he tried to think of another things as he tidied up the mass of clothes cascaded around the room. It was a difficult balance of remaining positive without being too optimistic about his relationship with George, yet he didn't want to try too hard to be realistic and confront the fact that it was very possible that nothing more would come from their time together. It was hard to deny that their connection felt far too special for it to mean nothing at all, but Ringo had read the signs wrong many a time in the past.

Ringo hurried over to John and Paul's as soon as he could. They'd been living together for a couple of years now and it wasn't unknown for Ringo to stay there for several days at a time just because of how homely it would feel. Paul opened the door, happiness spreading across his face, stepping aside to let Ringo into their warm home. John was waiting in the living room, sprawled out on the sofa like a relaxed feline, hardly moving when he noticed Ringo other than giving a grin and a small nod.

"Here he is, man of the hour." John announced, Paul sweeping his feet up so that he could sit on the end of the sofa.

Ringo took a seat across, stretching his legs over the arm in a way he knew would be terrible for his posture "Feels like I haven't seen you guys for ages."

"Well you've been busy, haven't you?" Paul teased, the smile still spreading his lips.

"Tell us all about it, I know you want to." John waved his hand dismissively, but his expression was kind.

"Come off it." Paul laughed "John's been going on about you and that George bloke for days, he's been dying to know everything."

Ringo shifted himself to get comfortable "Well... What do you wanna know?" He couldn't help feeling a little shy when talking to Paul and John about his various relationships.

John sat himself up excitedly, blurting out with little to no shame "How big is his dick?"

Ringo spluttered into laughter "Jesus, John... Why would that even matter? My bottoming days are long behind me."

Paul joined in with the laughter "How did that party go? I know you were freaking out about it."

"It was alright in the end. Some bird tried cornering me and the police showed up and everyone scattered." Ringo recounted "But we still had enough time to enjoy ourselves, if you catch my drift."

John scoffed "We're not teenagers, Rings, I want details. Who's blowing who? Is he freaky? Is he half in good in bed as he is hot? I need to know!"

Ringo rolled his eyes playfully "You're right, John, you're not a teenager you're practically prepubescent."

"Let Ringo get settled first. There'll be plenty of time to spill the beans later." Paul spoke softly, mindlessly giving John's feet a massage as he spoke.

"Not over dinner I hope." Ringo chuckled.

"In all seriousness though, it's nice to see you so happy again. Isn't it John?" Paul pinched John's ankle to spark a reaction.

"Yes, yes, we're so happy that you're happy." John spoke as though reading from a script "Now I'm gonna ask you something point blank, and I need you to be honest with me."

Ringo's heart fluttered in panic "What is it?"

John furrowed his brows in an attempt to appear serious "Did he blow you in the toilets?"

"Uh..." Ringo laughed, unable to find his words "I don't-"

"Before you even try to deny it," John interrupted, holding his finger up "I saw the marks on his knees, and I'd know those marks anywhere."

"Why're you asking me then?" Ringo threw his arms up defeated "You think I'm gonna say no to a guy like that offering me a blowie in the toilets?"

John clapped his hands together loudly "I knew it! You absolute whore, Ringo, what would your mother say?"

"Don't act like I haven't caught you and Paul in the exact same position countless times." Ringo sat up a little, desperate to defend himself.

"Hey now, don't bring me into this." Paul interjected "Those days are long behind me."

John cocked an eyebrow, making Ringo snicker "Well now you're just lying, love."

The three of them remained relaxed in the living room for a couple of hours, every so often it would become playfully heated as either John or Ringo slipped up in their words. They never needed to have very solid plans when seeing one another, Ringo could happily stay chatting with them for an entire day and he wouldn't feel like a single second was wasted. It helped get his mind off his worries about George, although the conversations always seemed to lead back to him in one way or another. John's questions only became more prying, not even holding back when they'd settled down to eat some Chinese food. Throughout their conversations Ringo tried to gauge whether Paul and John seemed to like George, though there was little to go off other than their very brief meeting and how they'd respond to Ringo's stories. Whenever he'd started seeming someone new, their dynamic with his two best friends was always in the back of Ringo's mind.

"Well maybe one of these days we could go on a double date or something." Paul suggested, crunching on a prawn cracker.

"That'd be nice." Ringo mumbled, not bothering to cover his mouth while he ate "We haven't really been on a date though yet. Not a proper one anyway."

"But you've fucked him, right?" John asked with a grin.

"You know I have John, so why are you asking?" Ringo felt like throttling him sometimes.

"I just wanna hear you say it." John winked at him "Here I was thinking it was slutty to shag on the first date, but you didn't even wait. Was it just the once?"

Ringo glared at him, but it was impossible to keep up the act of annoyance "Are you trying to make me hate you?"

"I'm just making sure I've got the whole picture, that's all." John teased, Paul slapping him on the wrist lightly.

"I don't ask about your sex life with Paul." Ringo said far more harshly than he'd intended.

"God, I wish you would." John perked up "We tried this new toy the other day-"

"John, I suggest you think very hard about whether you want to finish that sentence." Paul raised both his eyebrows impatiently, it was enough to make John shut up, the only person who seemed capable of such a feat.

All three of them were laughing again soon enough, a moment of tension never lasted too long. Time flew by with none of them keeping track of it, and soon enough Ringo had to retire back to his own flat, which was now seeming very empty indeed. He chucked his keys onto the coffee table and sunk into the sofa, debating how he was going to waste the hours before it would be acceptable to sleep. He had to work in the upcoming days, it was coming up to two years now that he'd been employed at a music shop in the city centre, it was decent pay and only relatively taxing so Ringo knew he could have it a lot worse, but it definitely wasn't something he looked forward to. Deciding to mindlessly scroll through his phone for a while, it suddenly vibrated with a text message from George.

I know it's a little early to make plans but I'm here to make plans

what did you have in mind?

Ringo wasted no time in responding, he didn't see the point of pretending that he hadn't been staring at his screen as soon as it had sent, even if he hadn't been he would've no doubt picked the phone up immediately.

Dinner and then back to my place?

that sounds delightful

Is this Friday good?

very good

Perfect I'll pick you up It's about time I started treating you

im not gonna say no to that

A smile spread across Ringo's face, Friday felt like a lifetime away but the promise of this date would be more than enough to get him through the week.

My treat so you better not bring your wallet

if you insist

I do

any other orders?

So many But they can wait I'll see you Friday

see you then

Ringo let his phone drop onto his chest, letting out a happy sigh. Things seemed to be going too well, but he wasn't going to let his paranoia get the better of him, rather he was going to bask in this seemingly endless happiness that George brought to his life. Friday couldn't come soon enough.

[gongju-juice]

HANA

Part One

Word Count: 2628

Warning: Language and Some Angst

Synopsis: President Namjoon can no longer sit and watch his people suffer in the long drawn out war with Daeian Kingdom. But he finds the only to do so is to proceed in a marriage alliance with the daughter of his country’s worst enemy.

Not everyone likes that. 

The thing that defines a nation is not the prosperity of its people, its economical accomplishments, or the culture that affects the everyday lives of millions. 

It is the integrity of its leader, the very face and image of the people who allowed him to rise to power. Perhaps, this is where other great nations fail. From Julius Caesar to Hitler—the ambitions of one man can steadily build a nation to power over the course of many years, but just the same, burn it to ashes in one single day.

Kim Namjoon, honorable President of Hana knew this too, and knew it well. Ever since his inauguration, he’d made it a priority to brave the best smile for the citizens of his country. As one of the only true Democratic nations left in such a corrupt world, Hana was constantly being looked to both as a beacon of light and as a target overdue for destruction. There were shadows lurking about that seeked not only the downfall of Hana, but the permanent eradication of Hanaeian way of life and government.

So why, you might ask, was he standing behind his presidential podium on the top balcony of the Pearl Palace, announcing to his people and the Blue District his intentions to marry the daughter of Hana’s most formidable enemy nation?

“Brothers and Sisters,” he called, leaning into the podium. His nails dug deep into the ancient rose wood, carving indents into the glossy covering. “I come to you again in the name of reason. We have been in a stalemate war with the Kingdom of Yeir for three decades now, wasting generations of our sons’ blood for a fight that has long lost its purpose. It is time we make peace, for Hana was founded on this precious ideology that the rest of the world refuses to partake in.”

A sea of gasps sounded below the balcony, and as far as he could see, people were crowded onto the broad green lawn of the Pearl Palace. This war they’d been fighting, this war they’d been dying for—it was a ceaseless cycle of bloodshed and violence. How could Hana proclaim to be the most sensible nation when in reality it had been constantly fighting its demons and draining its people of morale and hope?

“I have sent a proposition to King Dae and his royal court,” he continued, “in an effort to arrange a peace agreement and end this unceasing war once and for all.”

The people surged in approval, and although he was a high above them in the Pearl Palace, the sound was nearly deafening. He cleared his throat loudly, and the sound reverberated throughout the courtyard, bringing the people to contented silence.

“With compromise comes sacrifice. As your leader, I pray that you are willing to lend me your trust. Dealing with this. . .kingdom and its ancient form of government, there are bound to be terms and limits that may not exactly align with Hana’s policies. Please understand that these are all necessary stipulations.”

The crowd remained quiet, and it both pleased him and terrified him. The next words he were to say would define the remainder of his term. Four years. . .in Hana; one could be President for life. However, it was very easy to go down in history books as either a saint or sinner, and Namjoon hoped to go down as the former. But for the sake of the country, he’d be willing to go down as the latter if it only meant it would guarantee the safety of his fellow countrymen.

“King Dae has offered Crown Princess Y/N’s hand in marriage in exchange for a complete cease of fire.”

Suddenly, the crowd erupted. There were people shouting his name—some in support and others in, well, quite the opposite. The guards monitoring the situation moved in closer, but there was not much they could do. Namjoon pre-instructed the Head of Security, Matthew Kim, not to let his guards touch the people. He couldn’t risk the situation escalating any further and further paint the situation in a negative light.

“I know it sounds absurd. As a Democratic nation, Hana never envisioned having to put itself in such a precarious position. But sadly, the world does not revolve around Hana, and if we are going to peaceably exist in this world, there will be things we will have to do in order to ensure that privilege.”

Namjoon felt his Secretary of State, Jung Jaehyun, tense at his side. As the Secretary of State, he was responsible for foreign affairs and the diplomatic handling of other nations. Namjoon internally beat himself over it; he was the one who’d ask Jaehyun to arrange the engagement with the Yeir Kingdom, which would in turn not only damage his own reputation, but Jaehyun’s reputation as well. He was a good man, and good men did not deserve the blame he was sure to receive.

“Because I know this is such a tremendous task, I shall be the one to carry the responsibility of being wed to the Princess,” he explained, gripping the podium even tighter. “And I know you’re probably wondering why you did not hear of these plans through Congress. I’m using the authority of my limited executive orders to get this task done.”

Cameras snapped and children screamed in the crowd. He straightened the papers on the podium and quickly skipped to the end of his speech.

“Once again, I acknowledge the fact that my decision is not a popular one. But as President, it is not my duty to be popular. It is my duty to see to it the people of Hana continue to exist in peace and self-autonomy for generations to come.”

He watched as the telepromopter changed to Vice President, Lee Taeyong’s, dialogue, and he turned and left the podium with screaming people behind him. Fiddling with the sleeves of his suit, he fell into step beside his Secretary of State and felt the heated stares of his cabinet burn a whole in the back of his head.

“How are the plans going?” he said after he couldn’t bear the fiery silence any longer.

Jaehyun tucked his files under his arm and seemed to speed up. The ambitious young man was the perfect choice for the position, which is why he immediately hired him in his cabinet. When they weren’t working, which wasn’t often, they sat around the Pearl Palace and drank Soju as just friends. It was during these times that they could be normal civilians, just associates hanging around without the mandated roles of being public officials.

“The Princess and her arrangements are underway, but King Dae requests the traditional wedding present in the form of a dowry.”

“Dowry?” the President repeated. “Like money?”

“Land. He wants her to inherit one of the islands of the coast of the country, and he wants her future son to have a guaranteed position in the Pearl Palace.”

Namjoon gulped. “Son? Like, he expects us to—”

“Conceive a child? What did you think this was? There’s no way a tyrant like him would jeopardize his lineage all for the sake of a peace treaty.” Jaehyun gave him a worried glance, putting a hand on his shoulder. “You’re a president, Namjoon. And he’s a king. Honest men shouldn’t work with men like King Dae, and honestly, if I didn’t trust you as much as I do, I wouldn’t have done half the things you’ve asked me to do recently.”

They rounded about one of the corners and came into the Rose Office, which was Namjoon’s personal study. Inside, the Governors of all eight districts were present. 

Hana was divided into seven districts with seven separate Governors that reported to the President occasionally. Usually, these meetings were done digitally, but with the special situation at hand, Namjoon wanted the seven leaders to visit him in person.

Lisa Manoban, his Secretary of Domestic Affairs; and Park Jimin, his Secretary of Treasury, were also present for the occasion. They were his right hand people, and he trusted them with his life.

“What the hell is wrong is with you?” Kim Jognin demanded, as he whirled on his heels. “Do you think we’re some kind of pushovers who’ll let you do whatever you want? We are the ones in charge of the nation, not you. You’re just a name. A figurehead. We did not give you authority to do such a rash—”

“If you keep speaking to our president like this, I will make it my priority to make things difficult for you in the future,” Lisa warned, folding her arms across her chest. “Namjoon doesn’t have to inform you of anything if you won’t give him a fair chance to begin with.”

Namjoon sat down in his swivel chair, hands finding purchase in the thick of his hair. “That’s enough. We have business to discuss. Everyone take a seat, please.”

They did as they were told, and now it was silent as they waited for the president to make ready on his promise.

“I should’ve told you about the deal,” he admitted. “I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t. I knew that if I would’ve, you would’ve never gone along with it. Congress would’ve never gone along with it. I found an opportunity, and I had no choice. King Dae wasn’t going to wait much longer.”

“So how are we supposed to quell the people’s worries?” Chungha asked. “They absolutely loathe the Daeian people. How could they stomach a Daeian Princess in the Pearl Palace?”

Namjoon’s fingers fell to his jaw and he reclined back in his chair. “Once they see their sons, nephews, and fathers coming back from the front, they will accept it. It’ll take time, and it won’t be easy, but they’ll come around. With your help.”

“Our help?” Im Jaebum chuckled. “And why the fuck would we ever give you that?”

“Because Namjoon already told the public that you’re on board. You have no choice but to do it now, because if you don’t, then you’ll be going back on your word.” Jaehyun answered, turning on the holographic display of his watch to show the signed letter sent out to every household in Hana.

“And that’s supposed to scare us? That you lied and have no proof behind it?”

“It should. It should terrify you. Because even if you didn’t agree and this flops and they crucify Namjoon, who do you think they’ll come after next?”

Jaehyun had a point. Arguably, the Governors were the most powerful individuals in the country after the president. But in the heat of anger, the public would hunt them down and overthrow them just as sure. They had no choice but to cooperate.

“Another thing,” Jimin began, “Her dowry. Jinyoung, I hate to ask this favor of you—”

The Governor raised his hand. “Say no more. As Governor of the Lilac District, it would be an honor to aid our president in protecting our country. Which island does she want?”

“Preferably the Southern Isle. We’ll have to find accomodations for the refugees living on that land elsewhere. The Federal Treasury will completely cover the cost, so do not worry.”

“I can’t believe this,” Jennie, Governor of the Blue District, growled. The Blue District happened to be the home of the Capitol and Pearl Palace, so she and Namjoon constantly got into power struggles. “This is bullshit. Now you’re taking away Jinyoung’s land?”

Namjoon shook his head. “I didn’t say this would be easy, folks. You think I want this marriage to happen? Do you think I wanted to be married to the daughter of my sworn enemy?! I’m doing this for you, so your children won’t have to continue to fight in this bloody, eternal war. Hopefully in the future we can make arrangements so Jinyoung won’t actually have to lose power, but for now, we have to at least pretend if we’re going to get this deal to go through.”

It was quiet as the Governors took everything in. This would mean big changes, not just for their lives but the country as a whole. And refusing to cooperate could potentially mean the end of Hana—hopefully it wouldn’t come to that.

“You didn’t have to do this,” San considered, a sigh leaving his lips. He was the youngest Governor among the bunch, but he never seemed to have any problems. He represented the Green District, the district responsible for agriculture and food reserves. “But I’m glad you did it anyway. For years, my people have been required to send at least one adult male from their family to fight for the country. The labor is mostly left up to the women and children, and it’s affecting their education and morale. It’s less noticeable in other districts because of the type of work that is assigned to them, but in my district, we work in the fields and barns all day long, and it isn’t easy to provide for the entire nation.”

“Perhaps the refugees who have passed most of their background checks can be relocated to my district,” Irene suggested thoughtfully. She governed the Indigo District which was composed mainly of barren snow desert with a few scattered villages that harvested oil.

Namjoon nodded at them appreciatively. It was ironic that the least powerful Governors were the ones who had his back. But still, it was better than nothing. The last thing he wanted was his other people to be split apart. He wanted them to at least try to fulfill his plan.

“The Princess will arrive next week to the Red District,” Jaehyun informed them. “Jognin, you will be responsible for her safe delivery and accommodations. We expect nothing but the best for our guest.”

He rolled his eyes and sank lower into his chair. “Fine.”

“And, Jennie, while she has her tour of the District, you must prepare the Blue District for her arrival. The wedding, reception, and royal accommodations will all be in your hand. The Treasury will cover you for that, but you must consult Jimin before any permanent transactions are made.”

Namjoon rose to his feet. “I really do appreciate you for all of your hard work. It isn’t accomplishing something as controversial and risky as this. I do believe if we all work together, we can get this done and spare the people of this war. If you won’t do it for me, then please, do it for them.”

The Governors bowed and began leaving. As they left, Namjoon studied their facial expressions. They were angry for sure—offended by the thought of having to work with the Daeian government—but he sensed hope. Perhaps they weren’t so totally against it as they first let on.

Just before the last person left his office, Jennie stopped in place and waited until they could no longer hear the voices receding.

“Just remember, Namjoon,” she spat, heels clicking as she resumed walking, “We’ve been here longer than you have. Our families have shaped these districts and made it the great societies they are today. If this goes sour, we will not hesitate to take things in our own hands.”

He sighed and looked up at her, noticing the glistening eyes behind her thick designer glasses. She was still hurt. He could see it in her eyes, the way she looked at him with hatred and malice burning in her heart.

“I won’t let anything happen to this country,” he promised, “and most importantly, I won’t let anything happen to you.”

She stared at him in disbelief, her hands curled in fists. “Tell that to the princess,” she advised, “because with the staggering amount of people who’ll inevitably come for her life—she’ll need it.”

I don’t know if it’ll be this long every time, but I’m usually long-winded, so maybe so lmao.

[side-effect-of-the-meds]

Okay so its okay if u dont do this, i underdstand but if ever you do im wondering what Aaron's reaction is once he finds out what happened to Erin? Im just desperate for twinyards. How does he take it and will he ever find out what happened to her in all those foster homes and her scars?

Sorry this took so long, love! You’ve probably lost interest but here’s the answer anyway. I’ve got another request for Twinyards so I’m saving the scars bit for that. 

They were only playing around when it happened. Katelyn had been riling Aaron up since he’d walked through the door, teasing him, laughing at him. The breaking point had been when she started to tickle him. 

“Katelyn, stop,” he gasped through fits of laughter. 

“Say please,” she cooed. Aaron could barely catch his breath, let alone say please. Instead, he caught her by her wrists and flipped her over so he sat straddling her. Pinning her arms down on either side of her face he closed the distance between the two of them. He speckled kisses all over her face. Katelyn laughed at the ridiculous display of affection from him. As he pulled back, he saw her face flushed with her arms pinned on either side. Her long blonde hair had come unbound and was splayed across the white bedsheets. Suddenly, the sheets were soaked red. The hands pinning her down weren’t his own. They were far too big to be his. Drawing his gaze back to Katelyn’s face, it wasn’t Katelyn he had pinned down. In her place was a face identical to his own, haloed by pale gold hair. Tears streamed down the girl’s face. Manic laughter echoed through Aaron’s head.

“Erin!” he shrieked as he toppled off the bed. Scrambling backward, he felt his back hit the door. Aaron felt as if there were chains binding his torso. He clawed desperately at his chest, trying to tear off chains that weren’t really there. He couldn’t breathe. 

“Aaron. Aaron, it’s me. It’s Katelyn.” Aaron’s gaze snapped up to see Katelyn kneeling a foot in front of him. Her hands were outstretched, hovering around his face. He grabbed them and cupped them around his face. Sobs wracked his body and he felt Katelyn get closer. She dropped a hand from his face and wrapped her arm around him. She drew him into her lap. Aaron didn’t know how long he sat there crying, only that Katelyn didn’t leave him the entire time. 

It had been three weeks since Erin had been shipped off to Easthaven. Aaron hadn’t even known that she was leaving. Josten had been the one to tell him. The words had barely left her mouth before he’d shot out of his chair, knocking it over in the process. He’d torn down the hall and flung open the front door. Aaron had run all the way down the street before collapsing to his knees. Digging his hands into the ground, he ripped hunks of grass out and screamed up at the sky. He curled up in a ball and lay there for a few seconds, minutes, hours. Something nudged him and he turned to look up. A hand had appeared out of the sky. For half a second, Aaron thought it was God coming to save him from his misery. It was only Josten. He smacked her hand away and got to his feet on his own. Trudging back to the house, he wiped the tears from his eyes. He smeared snot all over his shirt sleeve but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

“What did you think running was going to accomplish?” Josten asked him when she found him searching for answers at the bottom of a bottle of Jack Daniels. Aaron just stared at the floor. 

“Why are you different?” he whispered. He looked over at Josten. A frown creased her brow. “I know you’re not that stupid,” he spat. “Why does Erin treat you differently? What makes you so special? Why does she do things for you?” 

Now it was Josten’s turn to avoid his gaze. He watched as she shrunk into her sweater. No. Not hers. The sweater she wore belonged to Erin, a Christmas present from Nicky. He had watched his sister chuck it in Josten’s face before they’d left for the drive out here. After a few endless minutes, she finally answered. “Because we’re the same,” she whispered. 

“What do you mean?” Aaron asked. With a sigh, Ania told him about men with sharp smiles and roaming hands. She told him about their stale alcohol breath and the weight of them bearing down on her. She told him about a boy in Millport that’s shoved her up against the lockers so many times that she’d lost count. Tears slipped from Aaron’s eyes against his will. Little by little, the pieces of the puzzle clicked together. 

“That’s why you never come near us,” Aaron said softly as she finished her story. He watched the slow nod of her head. “Josten.” Her eyes remained glued to the floor. “Ania,” he said. Slowly, she dragged her gaze up to meet his. “I hate you but I won’t ever hurt you,” he said. A small smile tinged her lips. Aaron could have sworn his soul left his body. Even tired and broken, Ania Josten was stunning. Not as stunning as Katelyn, of course, but she had her appeal. 

“Erin would kill you if you tried,” she replied. Aaron huffed a laugh. She was right. Brother or not, Erin would never stand for him doing anything even remotely resembling what the two of them had survived. “You know, it’s 2 a.m., right?” Aaron cursed softly and Ania’s smile grew. “Get to bed. I’ll drive us home in the morning.” Aaron let her take the bottle from him and trudged up the stairs alone. He felt a shard of pain wrench his heart as he passed Erin’s room. Collapsing into his bed, he let his exhaustion drag him into sleep. That night he dreamt of dark red blood smeared across golden hair and pale wrists. 

---

Loving his sister was undoubtedly the hardest thing Aaron had ever done. In the three years that he’d known her, she had always shut him out. A lot of it made sense now. Her last brother had been a disgusting excuse for a human being. How could she expect Aaron to be any better? Sitting in the booth at the diner, Aaron found himself resenting the fact that all the Foxes were together. As soon as Erin was out of the picture, Kevin and his cousin had started cozying up to the upperclassmen. A pang of guilt always stuck him in the gut as he felt the Katelyn’s arm wind around his waist. As soon as Erin was out of the picture, he’d started cozying up with Katelyn in front of the others too. Didn’t that make him just as bad? That night he let Katelyn kiss him until his brain couldn’t form a single coherent thought. 

Laying beside her, he traced patterns across her exposed stomach. All of the cheerleaders were pure lean muscle. All except Katelyn. Unknown to most, her uniform hid a layer of fat on her abdomen. Katelyn had been self-conscious about taking her shirt off in front of him the first time but it hadn’t taken him long to convince her he loved it just as much as the rest of her. 

“Why wouldn’t I?” he’d asked. “It’s the world’s most heavenly pillow.” Katelyn’s bright laughter had filled the room as he rested his chin on it. Staring up at her, Aaron was convinced that he was staring right at the sun. Being so close to the sun would only burn him up and Aaron knew it. Hearing her laughter, Aaron decided that he wouldn’t mind if it was for her. 

Now as she lay sleeping, Aaron felt soft and sleepy himself. Warmth bloomed in his chest at the sound of her murmuring his name softly in her sleep. A thought cut through his sleep-addled brain. Could Erin ever have this? 

Aaron knew that his sister deserved someone who loved her more than anyone he’d ever met. But who? Kevin definitely wasn’t good enough for her. Matt seemed fond of her but that didn’t seem quite right either. Erin needed someone who understood what she’d been through. Someone who wouldn’t push her any further than she was willing to go. She needed someone who’d whisper her name like a prayer. 

There is someone, Aaron realized. His thoughts turned to a person with a smile that could easily light the stadium all on its own. A person who always took no for an answer, and so, was never denied a single request. A person who he’d once heard whisper, ‘Jude’ in her sleep like the prayer of a sinner on her deathbed. 

Loving Erin Jude Minyard was damnation itself. Aaron knew his sister was all hard lines and sharp edges. She was all vice with no discernible virtue but Aaron didn’t care. He had spent his entire life feeling sorry for himself, believing that there wasn’t a soul in the world more deserving of salvation than his own. From the moment he’d laid eyes on the empty shell of a person that Erin was, he’d known he was wrong. Never before had Aaron felt such shame as he did when he realized the depth of his own selfishness. 

Being raised by a drug-addict and her endless string of short term boyfriends only bought Aaron so many concessions and he knew he’d used them up long ago. Aaron’s self-centeredness had hurt more people than he cared to admit. He was no saint and he didn’t have any intention of becoming one. Still, some small part of him wondered if he lived out the remainder of his life trying to make amends for all he’d done before maybe, just maybe, he’d get to glimpse his sister standing behind the gates of heaven on his way down to hell.  

The next morning at practice, he watched a girl who’d once outshone the sun collapse into herself like a dying star, sucking up every shard of light and joy as she went. Watching her, Aaron began to think he’d found the only person who cared more for his sister than he did. Erin deserved better. He was sure of it but they were Foxes. They’d never get what they deserved. Settling for less was an art form that every one of them had been forced to master. 

Screwing his eyes shut, he prayed with sincerity for the first time in a long time. “Please,” he whispered. “Just let my sister be happy. Even if it’s with Josten. With Ania.”

[ghjdeacon]

The longer I put it off the more difficult it becomes, so I’m going to have to get on and write this blog if I like it or not. Please excuse all the errors, I try and correct them as I go along but it’s sometimes hard to spot them! Even though they’re obvious .

Here I am in a place called Saly which is a small resort town about an hour and a half south of Dakar. Victor has gone to Bamako for work and for a short period I considered going as well. After all I’ve never been to Mali and Nicky Fenton is there. but I can’t go anywhere as I have no passport, it’s being processed for a Visa at the Guinean embassy.

To recap, After dropping David off at leyoune airport, I spent a couple of days with Robert Powell and then sped through the rest of Western Sahara to the border with Mauritania. What a scruffy place The whole experience was pretty unpleasant but the gap between Morocco and Mauritania was as bad a road as I have driven on and literally covered in crap in plastic bags and bottles et cetera! Needless to say they were fixers there which I didn’t really need but who were actually quite useful but I find myself stuck with a fellow all the way to najinhibbou which is just over the border. I say just over the border but more like 50 km at the end of a long spit. It is a very busy port town and bustling! And very hot with millions of cars and chaotic roads. I am rescued by a fellow called Omar who claims to be a teacher but like most of The disarmingly friendly strangers who meet you (rather than the other way round,) they are after the money in my pocket nevertheless he is very friendly and we have an amusing evening together, and I cannot fault him for his friendliness.

Conscious that Mauritania isa big country but only have 10 days to get through it I don’t want to hang around especially if I get the information and meet somebody who is going to go with me to go and see inland(The customs man was only going to give me three days to transit the country and! I had to persuade him to give me more time in case I wanted to stay and see the country! As it turns out he was right and I was wrong there is nothing to see in Mauritania .

The road is pretty easy to follow but it’s broken pavement and some of the potholes are dreadful requiring very careful concentration to avoid breaking anything, but there is plenty of wide open space alongside the road to pull off and kip for the night

Nouakchott turned out to be a pleasant surprise there is money in the cashpoints more than half the time (that is cif you can find one and there are plenty around) it was not insanely hot, there was a supermarket near where I was staying in and then traffic was not too chaotic". Overall a whole lot better than that place I could never spell on the Mauritanian border, I. After a night and day resting I set off for the border with Senegal 7 hours or more further self. I camped in the most amazing place in the middle of nowhere but had rather a good journey down aiming for the crossing that was not at Rosso that is the western crossing the Western crossing point going to the Darwwing National Park which is also very impressive here the road is rough and would be impossible in the winter or when there is any rain. For some reason the journey takes forever, maybe I have taken the odd wrong route, or stopped longer than expected on the way, or simply I have just underestimated the distance but it’s quite pleasant and eventually reach the frontier barrage across the river Senegal.

It all sounds so simple in the guidebooks. the books say it cost nothing and is manageable yet everybody expected A wedge ofmy money! I don’t mind too much but it would be nice to know in advance so you are carrying the right amount of change and then prepare for it rather than eking out every coin in your pocket or door! But after about three hours im through and on my way to Saint Louis the northern town of Senegal. Yet again, I am helped by some fixer I did not want and have to get him into town to give him some cash I didn’t have, but to be honest he was still quite helpful and take him to the hotel deal with the camp for the night.

St Louis is a bustling fishing town and very charming in its way. But I can’t hang around because I only have a three day pass which I have to get extended down in Dakar before I can do anything else so again, the next evening I set off. One of the golden rules is not to drive at night in Africa for all the reasons you can imagine. I am quite uncomfortable doing so except for two things. If you leave late enough there is no traffic on the road and you can avoid the real hassle as most people are home. for me traffic and bicycles and pedestrians all mixed together is the worst thing. Secondly you can see vehicles coming along way away because nowadays they tend to have loads of work, thirdly I don’t feel too tired at night and if I do I stop i’m set up camp straight away, and you won’t be plagued by onlookers: also, if you happen to have lots of police checkpoints they will either be pleased to see you will be asleep so you can drive on and finally you end up in the right place in the right order, in the dark now before the traffic really got going. So having had a peaceful drive listening to an audible book I got to the port of data where I need to be before the traffic was up and so could find a parking place and was ready for action.

The only problem was I’ve been directed to go to the wrong place! But people are very friendly and helpful and a chap helped me get a taxi and then watched over my car in the car park and sent me on my way to the Axa building to get my pass extended. All very straightforward as it turned out and nobody wanted any backhanders. So I was quite pleased

Then it was just a question of finding out where Victor lives and heading off in that direction. Which I managed not to do getting into all the traffic! But I eventually got to Ngor and with a whole bunch of help , his house.

Since then, which I think was Tuesday last I have been staying with Victor, and Nicole and having a very peaceful time just doing the odd chore-andthere are plenty of them much to my frustration, and the amazement of some. Of note (David take note in particular) the blinking wing mirror dropped out on the journey down and I had to get it replaced. I hadn’t realised how vulnerable I feel notbeung abBeing able to seel behind me properly so I was very keen to get it done immediately. So with victors driver we set off and can you believe it, I was stopped twice by the police twice in about 200 metres and the second one fined me for having a broken wing mirror even as we were talking to the chap who is going to mend it and heconfiscated my driving license until I pay the fine! In retrospect it’s stupid and rather amusing but at the time was One of the long snakes on the board and cause me deep, deep frustration. But, I eventually Got the mirror (retro Visa) repaired and I’m good to go again. I’ve even had the van washed and cleaned out so it is neat and tidy and now it’s just a question of waiting for my visas to be approved or not.

But yesterday I heard the border between Senegal and guinea may be closed and that changes things significantly. The question is is Guinea-

Victor and Nicole but they have been quite superb to me and insist upon me relaxing and enjoying myself, and I think they are right in fact I am feeling much better having been here for a few days and I’m not so achy and stiff as I was. I am inclined to write something about Parkinson ‘s soon and will do so. This is not to extract any sympathy from anybody or anything like that but just to explain to people who don’t know about Parkinson is what it does and how it feels. And putting right once and for all the curious British tradition of always asking how people are and getting the response “I’m fine thank you“ when half the time you’re feeling like death warmed up! I’m not feeling like death warmed up by the way but you know what I mean.

And it’s taken me for ever to do this much so I’m going to stop if you’ve even got this far reading it

[peterjakes]

My Mad Fat Diary Fanfic - The Two Months - Chapter 3

Chapter 3 - Chizzy: The Final Tour

The title is so cringe I know! I don't know if anyone's actually reading this but I've been away which is why the delay for an update. A slightly shorter chapter but I enjoyed writing this. Izzy and Chop are so cute but even they have their problems.

Also posted on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20154688/chapters/47769328#workskin

Izzy was one of the most excitable people in Stamford, she was like a little puppy, especially when it came to spending time with Chop. It was a miracle they were still together if Izzy was being completely honest. She was glad, of course, but that didn’t mean she didn’t hate her behaviour. She shouldn’t have done anything with Peter. End of. And she shouldn’t have blamed Chop, even if he had been completely horrible to Archie and acted as if Izzy’s feelings didn’t matter. He shouldn’t have gotten jealous about Izzy hanging around other boys, but Izzy supposed that she just proved him right. They were fine now, but sometimes she wished they’d gone about everything differently She loved Chop, even if she hadn’t actually said it yet. Not properly. Little ‘love ya’ goodbyes didn’t count in Izzy’s eyes. He’d said it her, quite a few times, more so recently but Izzy imagined that was just because of everything that happened, so that didn’t really count either. She wanted to say it, but just went to jelly whenever she was with Chop, even more than when he didn’t notice her.

Chop had rung her earlier, said he had a big surprise with made Izzy more nervous than she had been for a long time. What was he going to say? What was he going to do? Izzy hoped for something that would break the tension between the two, because she hadn’t been enjoying that. Chop wanted to go to the pub, but Izzy didn’t want anyone to walk in on them so suggested going to his flat. She didn’t particularly like Chop’s flat if she was honest. It was quite messy and grubby. If Izzy lived there, she would make it the cutest, little flat in Stamford. Izzy liked decorating and begged Chop to let her do some work or even just show him her ideas, but he refused, saying it was perfect as it was. It wasn’t. Nothing was perfect in their relationship, not really. Everyone outside always said how cute they were and how nothing could break them. How wrong they were. Chop didn’t seem to have a clue either. Thought everything was all fine now the gang were back together, but Izzy was still reeling from what happened. It was quite surprising, because Izzy hardly got angry about anything. But the way Chop had handled the situation didn’t sit right with Izzy. To be fair to him, he had apologised to Izzy and Archie. He had tried afterwards to not make it awkward. But Chop could be pretty clueless about everything. And he never spoke to Izzy about how he was feeling. Typical boy. All of these thoughts swam around Izzy mind until she reached Chop’s flat, she still had a spare key but hardly every used it. This wasn’t one of those times. If she was going to talk to Chop properly about everything, she was going to have to grow some balls.

In comparison, Chop was beside himself with glee. Meeting with Archie had actually made him see things clearly. Everything was fine, with everyone. And one of his legendary sexy parties? Who could resist that? Things will Izzy had been pretty solid too, all things considering. They’d both messed up but Chop mainly blamed himself. He’d been a pretty crap boyfriend. A terrible friend. And an all-round dickhead. But he going to change it. Otherwise, everything would fall apart again.

“Iz!” She was greeted by one of Chop’s cheeky grins and a peck on the cheek. He tried to go for another kiss, but Izzy managed to slide out from under his arms. Chop didn’t seem to realise and rushed her to his kitchen. It was the size of a brook cupboard, Chop seemed to have forgotten to do last night’s washing up and the night before as well. There were broken plates on the surface and a random house plant sitting inside a washing bin – at least he’d finally bought one of those.

“What’s this surprise then? Better be that you’re letting me redecorate this place!”

“Redec- nah, nah. This is a bachelor’s paradise Iz!” He waved his arms out, trying to show off how great his flat was. He thought it was pretty great. Not many lads his age had managed to secure a decent flat, especially on his wage. Izzy wasn’t so sure at the beginning, when he told her he was moving out, which surprised Chop to be honest. His own flat meant more time together. Alone. And they had that for a while but recently Chop had noticed a slight change in how Izzy acted around him. She hadn't wanted to come around as much and at first Chop put that down to college work, but he wasn't stupid. He could tell something was up. But was too scared to say anything. He didn't want to fuck up again.

“You’re not a bachelor though, Chop. It’s a mess.” Izzy wrapped one of Chop’s dirty football shirts in her hand as she said this, waving it in his face. Izzy hated it when he wouldn’t get to the point. She hated it when he made stupid remarks. But one look at that face and almost all was forgiven.

“Don’t matter, ‘lright?” He pulled the shirt outside of Izzy’s hand, dragging her closer to him. “We ‘ave very important business to attend ‘ta! ‘rnold Peters has a brilliant plan and ‘e needs his lovely assistant to ‘elp!” He wrapped his slender arms around her small waist, swaying her side to side with a small twinkle in his eyes.

“I thought you were surprising me. I got all excited for nothing.” Izzy pulls a sour face, indicating to Chop that she’s not angry, only kidding, and gives him a small peck on his lips, mirroring their earlier kiss. They haven’t been that … intimate recently. They’d kissed and made up, but Izzy hadn’t wanted things to go further. She knew Chop was frustrated, even if he didn’t want to be. She was grateful for that; she was grateful for Chop. But the problem was getting back to how they were. She didn’t even dare mention this to Chop, who thought everything was completely fine in the world. And she didn’t want to disturb that but wondered if she could carry on the way they were.

“It is a surprise! Just not for just ‘ya, for everyone!”

“Chop!” Izzy was trying to remain happy and calm, but they became very hard whenever Chop was being difficult. Not that has was that difficult, but he could be a right nightmare sometimes. Everyone said she was a saint for putting up with him and at first, she didn’t think that was fair, but recently she’d come to realise how true that comment was. All Izzy really wanted was for her and Chop to go back to normal. Or at least try. She felt like he didn’t really understand her, not anymore and she didn’t want to cause anymore trouble. Whenever she’d tried to talk to Chop about everything, he’d just brush it off.

“I need ‘ya help, ‘m gonna host the most legendary sexy party that Stamford has ever seen, ‘right? ‘ows that for a surprise?” Chop was obviously pleased with himself. And why wouldn’t he be? At least he was trying. At least he was making an effort. Everyone else seemed to just disappear again, and Chop didn’t want that. At least this way everyone could come together, properly come together and Chop could make sure everyone was cool again. That’s all Chop really wanted.

“You got me to come around here, for a sexy party? Why?”

“It’s Arch, Iz. ‘e needs cheering up, I think. ‘asn’t been himself seen, ya know. My fault really.”

“Oh, Chop. I thought we’d been over this. Everything’s fine. You just…” Izzy moved to wrap herself back around Chop, but he slithers away.

“ya gonna ‘elp meh or not?” Chop gave Izzy a look that a year ago would have made her melted but now made her feel intensely guilty.

“Yes, yes I’ll help!” She gives Chop a reassuring smile, but even he can tell she isn’t completely sure about his plan. “But I mean it, it was all our fault. And… I want us to be okay, don’t you?”

A slightly confused look merged on Chop’s face. “Aren’t we?”

“Y-yes, but parties can’t solve everything, you know.” In Izzy’s experience, some of Chop’s parties actually made things worse. Like when Finn and Duke ended up having a brawl across Chloe’s garden in October. Or when Archie and Rae got completely soaked because Barney had forgotten to turn off his dad’s hose. And those were some of the tame examples Izzy could remember.

“Just wanted ‘ta cheer ‘im up, Iz. Cheer ‘ya all up. Fucked everything up, didn’t I?” It was in this moment that Izzy realised that a down beaten Chop was not the Chop she should have been wishing for. This was her Chop. The real Chop. Not the ‘jack the lad’ who’d buy everyone a pint or who’d hang around with complete arseholes. The one who stood up in front of everyone and told her how he felt, the one who clapped after Rae revealed about her being in hospital, the one who he kissed Archie in front of everyone. That’s who Izzy wanted. That’s who she knew she was in love with, even if she couldn’t say it. But she didn’t want him to keep blaming himself. He didn’t deserve that – he was a good person. Which was something he wasn’t told very often, especially from Izzy.

When Izzy goes to wrap herself around Chop, he lets her this time. Her small body seems to fit perfectly against his and Izzy feels at home. She always has. She knows they've hit a few rough patches, but Chop would never do anything to hurt her. He does enough of that to himself. And Izzy knows she should be there for him, just as he’s been for her. She nuzzles her head into Chop’s chest once again, before he plants a small but sincere kiss on the top of her head.

"Cheers, Iz. I love 'ya, 'ya know."

"I know," Izzy pauses and glances up towards Chop, making sure he's listening. "I love you too." Izzy could sense a wide smile forming on Chop's face, one of those lovely grins she couldn't resist.

"So, 'ya gonna 'elp me now?"

[pirate-and-soldier]

Deathcaster Forked Me Up (SPOILERS)

SO

DEATHCASTER WAS AWESOME AND WACKY AND SO GOOD BUT IM STILL SITTING HERE STARING AT THE WALL WAITING TO SEE IF SOME DISAPPEARING INK WILL MAGICALLY RESURFACE AND TELL ME WHAT THE F HAPPENED WITH EVERYONE ELSE—

Dont get me wrong, I absolutely L O V E this series and every book but like there seem to be a lot of loopholes and loose ends?? Did anyone else catch them? Or did I just completely skip over some important parts??

I literally read this in a little over 24 hours after getting this. I would’ve finished it yesterday had I gotten it earlier than 4:30 in the afternoon, but still.

WE GOT 647 PAGES OF AWESOMENESS I WANNA SCREAM RIGHT NOW

I’ll admit, I was kinda hoping for a bit more between Evan and Destin, considering that they both spend a LOT of time thinking about each other. I’m happy they got a reuninion, and that they were able to form an actual relationship and are planning to rule the Desert Coast together, but like—can I get a scene where they actually talk some stuff out? Before Destin was forcbly taken back to Arden by his father, he told/showed Evan that he thought he was a monster and believed it through and through. Evan told him that he wasn’t a monster and tried to convince him to see that. Yet we see no evidence whatsoever of them taking the time to talk about both that and other past things.

What happened to Destin’s mother, too? In the beginning just before General Karn is killed by his own son, Destin tells him that he can’t get revenge on his mother just because she birthed Destin because she was dead. We see a few lines here and there saying that it might be true but throughout what Deathcaster, that’s the only thing I saw that might have verified it. How did she die? And why? Why did Destin choose to tell his father that when all he wanted was for her to pay for having Destin anyway? What happened to the Destin’s extended family who were shown in the list of characters for the Shattered Realms series?

Honestly, though it may seem like I’m not happy about the conclusion, there are a lot of things that I really enjoyed. The humor was on point for me, I loved the characters, new and old, there were many surprising plot points, THERE WERE DRAGONS, we got to see the ship Evan and Destin repaired together, Destiny, Han is not fully gone and neither is Raisa, my favorite couples all ended up together happily, Destin and Evan were able to make peace, Evan, Breon, and Jenna found out who their family really is, the enemy spies were filtered out of court, and many more.

One thing that surprised and had me cackling was the fact that they had an actual exorcism. I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT. Especially not at 1:30am. I’m not disgusted or horrified, I just find it funny how this series, which has never had anything even remotely related to something like that, had an actual exorcism in the final book. Though, looking back on the fact that Han was thought to have been possessed by demons when he still had yet to be born, and the fact that the Church of Saint Malthus had a much larger role in the second series than the last, with the addition of demons—actual demons, not the things that most southerners believed to have been demons—were set loose in Ragmarket to find Han in the very first book of this universe, this shouldn’t have surprised me that much.

Before anything else, I wanna discuss the fact that WTF MELLONY WAS BEHIND THE MURDERS??? I mean, of course other people were involved, BUT WHAT??? I know she was jealous about the fact that Raisa came back before Mellony could be crowned queen in the previous series, but honestly I thought that had been long forgotten and over with. I never suspected her for a second. That might have been why she was a go-to for people who could have done it; she had motive, reason, means, and since she tried in the past but was thought to have let it go to let her sister rule, she was virtually the perfect choice. Although I realize this, it still has me reeling over the fact that she was the one who actually did it.

I was disappointed to see that Han only showed up in tiny bits after Ash went to Aediion and saw him again. He didn’t go into the amulet for several years just to hang around and just pass on teeny tiny bits of advice. No, he went because he wanted to help his children in any way he could, meeting with them in Aediion, telling them about things they should be wary of, and overall just trying to connect with them again, to soend time with them even outside the grave. He wanted to see them and Raisa again, as many times as he could. Han was—is, still—my favorite character from the Secen Realms. His cunning and sharp willed personality was such a wonderful thing to read through. His little tidbits and slang words were so funny, and his humor, though sometimes dark or deprecating, always sent me into fits of laughter, no matter how many times I read them. He was charming, both to the other characters and the readers, making everyone fall in love with who he was. At times it felt like he was an actual person rather than a book character. Chima put all that beautiful work inti such a strong, relatable character—and then didn’t use him much in the rest of the series. I know his death was meant to be a catalyst for Ash and Lyss and many others, but when I learned that he could be in the amulet I though we would see more of him. Was his absense just because there was already so much going on in the book that it just wasn’t an inportant thing to address? Or was he, sadly, just such a small little part of that series that he wasn’t that important to the plot?

Like I said, there were other things that made me really happy with how the book was written. I loved the addition of the dragon hatchlings and the bonds they formed with the other characters. They might have been added a little last-minute, but I think they were a wonderful addition to the story, and they were certainly tied tightly with the string in which the rest of the plot was woven. Evan, though he started out with little knowledge on how he should actually treat dragons, ended up forming a bond with one of the dragons named Splinter who had a deformed wing, either because of past injury or a birth defect. He even took a page out of Destin’s book in order to make a little prosthetic so Splinter could fly again. The others also formed a close connection to the dragons. Poor Cas though, losing a large portion of his sight. At least he has Jenna to help guide him.

Hal, when he became king, was so awkward and jerky in that role that I couldn’t help but laugh. His brother was right, though, on how the role of king would be better in his hands than anyone else in the empire. He made an excellent king, and had great moments and made admittedly stupid yet wise decisions, like teaming up with Lyss in order to trick the empress. I really loved his role in the book.

I have much more to say about this series, but I won’t make this too long. If you’re interested in this series or the universe or anything, come and talk to me!!! Please!! I need every last fan of this series to talk to because honestly I could go on about this forever.

[megalony]

Kiss the girl- Part 2

This is the second part of my Noah Flynn series from The Kissing Booth Netflix movie, I hope you will all like it.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @rogmeddows @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez @jonesyaddiction @ambi-and-sunflowers @milanosaurus @httpfandxms @saint-hardy @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls @mrsalwayswritex @rogerina-owns-me @peterquillzsblog @im-an-adult-ish @crazylittlethingg @allauraleigh

Masterlist

Part 1

Summary: (Y/n) and Lee are best friends but Lee warns his brother away from her, she’s been through a lot and her mental health is suffering. Lee thinks Noah is only going to make (Y/n) worse after what she has suffered, but Noah can’t stay away from her and (Y/n) feels drawn to him.

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Lee, it's fine, trust me. It was just a kiss and it wasn't as if he knew it was gonna be me walking out there." (Y/n) linked her arm through Lee's as they slowly made their way into the sea of students dispersing out to the car park ready to go home.

(Y/n) knew her best friend was trying to sound nonchalant and as if everything was okay about the kiss but she could see that inside he was fuming. He was angry his brother had gone and kissed his best friend, in Lee's mind Noah could have done something different, he could have made some excuse or taken (Y/n) back behind the curtain. He could have done something to stop it from happening, especially when he knew how much being in the booth would have made (Y/n) anxious.

Lee just wanted to make sure that it didn't embarrass or make (Y/n) feel uneasy, he knew she used to have a crush on Noah to have him be her first kiss can't be easy.

"You sure? I mean, I told him to stay away because you're not interested-"

"Stop blabbering, just forget about it okay, it's over and done with." (Y/n) knew she would eat her words soon enough because she wasn't telling Lee the truth. It wasn't over and done with because the kiss meant something and both she and Noah knew it. But Lee was persistent and he wanted Noah to stay as far away from (Y/n) as possible, if she told Lee that the kiss meant something and that she didn't want Noah to stay away from  her it was only going to to cause arguments that none of them wanted to deal with. It was better to keep Lee ignorant and in the dark for now.

"Right, are we heading home?" Lee started to guide them both over to his car parked over to the left but (Y/n) lightly shook her head causing Lee to pause in his stride to his car. "Do you want a lift somewhere else?"

"I think I'm gonna take a walk into town."

"You sure? Cause I can drive you there or we can go to the arcades if you want some company." Lee's lopsided smile made (Y/n)'s heart drop to her stomach. Here he was trying his best to help her and offer support and companionship so she didn't have to be alone and she was going to lie to him and refuse his help.

Lee had been her strength when she didn't have any, he was her guiding light when she got lost and he was there through everything when he didn't have to be. (Y/n) would never be able to thank Lee enough for everything he did and continued to do for her so lying to him was very hard and it was something (Y/n) had never done before. But if she wanted to be with Noah, lying to Lee was something she was going to have to do a lot more often.

"I'm sure, I want to be out on my own for a while. I'll call you later, promise." (Y/n) nodded reassuringly at Lee so he didn't start to panic or think something was wrong because nothing was wrong.

There was hesitation in Lee's eyes and he could feel his heart hammering against his ribs because he didn't want to be that overbearing friend that didn't trust (Y/n) or always assumed the worst or assumed that she wasn't okay or able to be on her own. But he couldn't help but panic about her when he knew that she didn't want to be on her own after Andrew died, (Y/n) had always either been home with her dad or round at Lee's place because being on her own left her with her demons. She let her thoughts get the better of her when she was on her own and it allowed her to panic freely without control.

But Lee had to trust her.

He had to trust that (Y/n) knew what she wanted to do and knew how to take care of herself and when to let people help her if things got too much. When she had her breakdown last year she let people help her willingly because she didn't want to suffer. If anything like that were to happen again he knew she would ask or let help be given to her.

"Alright, just don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"So, basically do everything then." (Y/n) shrugged her shoulders with a playful grin when Lee's jaw dropped and his head started to shake with a small laugh leaving his lips. He pointed at her warningly before he headed to his car and (Y/n) turned on her heels to start walking down the path away from school.

She couldn't meet Noah on school grounds because people would see and if Lee saw or found out all Hell would then break loose. (Y/n) made her way out of school grounds and started to round the corner near the playing field before Noah's dark silver car rolled up beside her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Lee thinks I'm going to hurt you." The small smile that Noah wore on his face was one that didn't hide the concern he held in his eyes when he looked at her.

"Lee thinks that about everyone." (Y/n) slowly dragged her fingers through the sand, tilting her head down so she could watch the grains of sand fall through her fingers rather than look at the expression on Noah's face as he sat beside her on the beach. There was something so calming about the feeling of the sand falling through her fingers, it was like (Y/n) could imagine that the sand was her worries and insecurities and she was letting them slip away and disappear.

"Do you think he's right?"

"I mean, everyone is bound to hurt you at one point or another, whether it's on purpose or not. You might hurt me, Lee might hurt me, I could hurt either or both of you. If someone is close enough to hurt you it means they're special."

(Y/n) knew everyone hurt someone at some point in their lives, she would end up hurting Lee and so would Noah if they decided to make a relationship out of this behind his back. Lee could always do something that would hurt (Y/n) and so could Noah, but if they did something that really got to her or cut to her core then it meant they were close enough to her to hurt her. It meant they were special, and if (Y/n) tried to stay away from everyone she thought would hurt her then she would never have anyone close to her.

"My mum hurt me when she died, she was special to me." (Y/n) stopped running her fingers through the sand when she felt Noah's hand resting over her own.

"I want to be special to you, (Y/n), but I don't want to hurt you."

"I don't think you could hurt me, Noah Flynn."

There was something sad in (Y/n)'s eyes that made Noah feel his heart dropping to his stomach like a stone. It was as if (Y/n) thought he couldn't hurt her because she had been hurt too badly already, like she was a china doll that had already been dropped and smashed and couldn't be broken into any further pieces. Her mum had died and shattered part of her and then Andrew passed away and broke what little there was of her left. If Noah did hurt her (Y/n) knew it would barely scratch the surface and that in turn, hurt him.

"I hope not, you're far too special to risk breaking, (Y/n). But if we're going to do this, we can't tell Lee which means, not telling anyone else either."

"I know Lee's protective but you really think he'll be this upset?" Part of (Y/n) wanted to tell Lee because keeping secrets from her best friend was tiring, just lying to him today was more than (Y/n) wanted to handle. She couldn't imagine how she was going to feel when she had to start properly lying to him about going out and being with Noah.

She knew Lee would be angry with them for wanting to get into a relationship but she didn't know if it was worth all the sneaking about.

"(Y/n)... when we were younger I promised Lee I wouldn't get close to you, he wanted something, a friend, that was just his. Then I promised him I wouldn't go near you or try anything with you because he thinks I'm going to break you. If we tell him Lee will be the one to break."

"Okay, Lee doesn't know. You know he's just looking out for me when he says he thinks you'll break me, don't you? He doesn't think anything bad of you, he thinks he has to protect me from myself."

(Y/n) leaned her head forward so she could rest her cheek on Noah's shoulder before she reached across and took a chip from the bag resting on his lap. She hadn't eaten lunch at school but she was starting to get a bit hungrier now, a reason she knew Noah bought the chips and put them so close to her.

She wanted Noah to know that Lee didn't think badly of him, despite the fights and the arguments he always got into, Lee didn't think his brother was a bad person or a brute or someone who was dangerous. He thought it was his job to keep (Y/n) safe and sane and calm and he thought that if Noah got involved it would break the foundations that had taken so long to repair. It was more that he thought Noah would unsettle everything around (Y/n) rather than hurt her break her.

"I know my brother acts more of a keeper around you than a friend at times, he's hiding you away like you're allergic to the sun. He doesn't have to worry about protecting you all the time, you don't need protecting, especially not from me."

"That's not fair." (Y/n) took another chip from the bag and popped it into her mouth before she tilted her head up to look at Noah. There was a small, calming smile on her lips showing Noah she wasn't about to get angry or start a fight. "Lee saw me at my worst, Noah, he doesn't want to see me like that again, he's just trying to help. I wouldn't have got through last year without him."

"I guess it just bugs me sometimes, Lee warns me your fragile like I'm gonna storm in and crush you or something... I saw you that night, you know?"

"When?"

"I was driving mum to town when your dad called, about Andrew. We turned the car around, she called Lee and we headed over to your place... I stood in the doorway to your house, watched your dad struggle to get you downstairs and I wanted so badly to just take you in my arms and hold you. But then Lee appeared and the moment you saw him, it was like you knew everything would be okay. You let him take you downstairs and sit you down, you let him hold you and cry with you and I thought... why can't I do that? Why can't I help you or help someone like Lee?"

That scene was something Noah replayed over and over in his mind when he found himself lost or confused or stuck in a bad place.

He remembered that day like it was happening in front of him right now. Noah remembered his mother hitting him repeatedly to get him to take the next turning and go to (Y/n)'s house rather than drive her into town. He remembered seeing his mother sobbing for the first time as she called Lee and said something had happened to Andrew.

Noah drove all the way to (Y/n)'s house and stumbled up the path with his mother but when he got one foot inside the house he felt like he had stepped into another dimension. Noah saw (Y/n) screaming at the top of her lungs, he saw her dad fighting to get her to stop trying to go back to Andrew's body. They were almost falling down the stairs, one trying to go down and the other trying to go back up. And in that moment, the only thing Noah wanted to do was run up those stairs and pick (Y/n) up, he wanted to take her in his arms and carry her somewhere safe.

He wanted to hold her and tell her he was there and it was okay, she could scream and cry all she liked and he would just sit and hold her through it all. He wanted her to let out the storm raging inside of her and be able to say that he was the one who would help her. Noah had never helped someone like that before, the most he had done was help an elderly man in the shop. He wanted to do more than that.

He wanted to know that he could do more than just have flings with girls and play sports or have good grades. He wanted to be a good person and help in a way that counts.

But Noah only got to stare at (Y/n) in distress before his little brother came in like a force of nature and changed the atmosphere in the house. Lee bypassed his mother and his elder brother and made a beeline for (Y/n) when he spotted her. The hazel floppy-haired boy ran up those stairs like he was running a marathon and once he got to (Y/n), Noah saw it.

Noah saw the change. (Y/n) had been in so much distress but once Lee was there, that was it. She wrapped her arms around him and let him take her weight, (Y/n) let Lee effortlessly guide her down those stairs, both of them sobbing messes. He took her to the sofa and sat her down and held her like he was glue holding broken pieces together to fix her. Lee let her sob into his neck, he let her scream and hit him and fling her limbs all over the place but he calmed her down without saying one word.

Lee never said anything for the hour that he sat and held (Y/n) but it worked, just his presence calmed her down from a state that mimicked psychosis. Noah had never been jealous of anyone before but in that moment, he had been green-eyed with jealously of the ability his little brother possessed to help someone- to help (Y/n) like that.

"Lee didn't know what he was doing but he did something right... I hurt him Noah. He talked me down from a ledge, he stopped me from doing a lot of stupid shit and he sat there and let me cry without any answers for me, there isn't any manual on how to help someone like that, Lee did that all blindfolded. But Noah Flynn is different, he didn't hold me when I screamed, he ran in and defended me at school when someone started talking about Andrew or asking why I was a prude. You don't have to hold me when I cry in order to help me Noah."

(Y/n) knew over the past year she had pushed Lee to his limits without meaning or intending to do so. When she felt like jumping off the ledge and doing something rash Lee sat calmly and patiently and talked her down and brought her back to safety. When Andrew died Lee held her and calmed her down and cried with her. But Lee did all of that without a manual, he didn't know what he was doing or if what he was doing would help. That was what made him so special to (Y/n).

With Noah it was different but in a good sense. He didn't hold (Y/n) when she was in distress or watch her cry, he protected her from everyone else whereas Lee protected her from herself. Lee made sure she didn't do anything stupid and when (Y/n) first went back to school someone started asking about Andrew, where he was, why he wasn't there and they were trying to rile (Y/n) up because news spread fast when he died. Noah didn't think twice before he barged in and tackled the guy down to the ground.

When someone else tried to ask (Y/n) on a date and then said she was a prude, a stuck up fly on the wall who didn't hardly speak, Noah broke his nose and gave him a black eye for his trouble and almost got himself suspended in the process.

"Well whatever happens, I'm always gonna be here for you." Noah leaned his head down to steal a kiss from her lips before he took one of the chips and placed it between his teeth. He turned his head in her direction, smiling when she kissed him and bit down, eating half the chip resting between his teeth.

Noah wasn't sure if (Y/n) knew Lee had told him about her not eating, but right now, she seemed to be fine with him. Maybe he was having a good effect on her after all.

[ravenaveira]

People that say Taka was the best team/friends for him is like saying a drug addicts friends who are also drug addicts are whats best for them simply because they went along with and encouraged their habit rather than trying to get them help and off a toxic lifestyle

Just because you have friends that support your bad habits doesnt mean their good friends and whats best for you

Friends who try to get you out of that toxic lifestyle to a better place where your clear-headed and healthy THOSE are real friends who want the best for you

I know this is a weird topic to touch on after the previous episode which I'm not downplaying because I thought it was wholesome, but the fact that people blatantly ignore how toxic and unhealthy Taka was for Sasuke AT THE TIME really just rubs me the wrong way

Do I think his relationship with Team 7 perfect? course not, but you can definitely see the difference between how TRUE friends behave and how enablers behave

Whenever Sasuke talked or thought about Team 7 he viewed them like family and precious bonds he had to cut in order to focus on and pursue revenge

Whenever Sasuke talked or thought about Taka he treated them as strictly subordinates, we never see him bothering to interact with them other than pursuing his goals and once they were no longer needed? he discarded and abandoned them without a second thought, he didnt even know Karin was an Uzumaki or that he even met her in the past which shows how little he cared about any of them on a personal level, the only one I can say Sasuke even remotely cared about to that degree is Jugo

None of them tried to empathize with Sasuke, none of them tried to talk to him about his struggles or problems and let him suffer alone, none of them cared for Sasuke to that point and if they did then they had one hell of a way of showing it

So my point? yes I think Sasuke cared somewhat about Taka in his own way and yes I think Taka cared for Sasuke as well I'm not saying they didnt, I'm just saying they didnt care enough

And it seems crazy to me that the same people who complain about the injustices done to Sasuke and his clan are the same one who support Taka and them supporting Sasuke and his crimes against pretty much everyone

Yes killing Danzo was a good thing but it was still a crime, Sasuke and Taka joined Akatsuki and tried to kidnap the 8 tails which was a crime against the Cloud village, Sasuke attacked the 5 kage summit and every single kage there making him an international criminal regardless if his goal was just Danzo it was still a risk of them getting involved, Sasuke just being a rogue ninja joining another rogue ninja is a crime, Sasuke attempting to kill all the 5 kage after the war would have been a crime

Yes some injustices can be resolved through violence but that is not the one and ONLY solution, Sasuke going rogue unfortunately even from a narrative standpoint yea it needed to happen for him to train with a Sanin etc but the only way to resolve Konoha’s injustice was to go through the right channels and expose to corruption that was in it, once Sasuke left and started committing crimes he lost the moral high ground and anything he said or did would easily be ignored and just thought of as another crazed Uchiha who deserved to die

You can argue yes but then Naruto and Kakashi could have said something once they found out but by that point it was like Temari said, it was FAR too late for Sasuke and even with the truth revealed how does that excuse his actions at the summit? against Bee? joining Akatsuki? killing Itachi and Danzo MIGHT have been able to be excused but the rest? there's no way that was getting overlooked even with the corruption exposed Sasuke was still just as much in the wrong now

I'm a huge Sasuke fan but even I can acknowledge that not every single one of his actions was 100% right and just, his actions towards the people who actually wronged him WERE in the right, but his actions in everything that didnt? yes he was in the wrong no ifs ands or buts about it

So for those who think Taka is so much better for Sasuke because they supported his criminal actions [except Jugo I believe he’d be fine either way] but not Team 7 who wanted Sasuke to stop his criminal actions and return to his senses and be in a healthy condition again, truly make me wonder if they actually care about Sasuke’s well being or just think everyone who isnt a yes man to everything Sasuke did somehow dont care about his feelings or the injustices done to him and just wanna change him

Yeah, change him for the BETTER not worse, if anything Taka tried to do the opposite of that but hey I guess being a bad influence is better than being a good one

And listen we can go back and forth all day about Sasuke's situation after the war because I agree wholeheartedly that thats bullshit, but realistically speaking the fact that some things about the Uchiha massacre are unresolved like those two elders even being allowed to breathe, realistically speaking what CAN you really do? the Uchihas are dead and the main man responsible is dead and Hiruzen who failed to stop it is also dead so what would exposing everything do at that point? everyone directly involved is DEAD so exposing it really is pointless even if only to clear Itachi’s name which I'm gonna say something alot of you wont like

But the Uchiha’s were not all innocent victims, atleast not the ones involved and planning the coup, yes they were treated unfairly but does that mean the best approach to fixing this is to overthrow the government? how does that make you look? your proving their suspicions of you right by attempting to be the threat they all think you are, that is NOT how you get your point across and demand justice for your clan by planning a coup that would result in many lives lost including your own

Does that mean do nothing? course not, but if you want their trust then you have to EARN it and if you want justice and equality then go on strike and refuse to serve them until their willing to talk and compromise, seriously the Uchiha was a HUGE asset to Konoha so them refusing to obey and offer their services definitely would have gotten their attention and force them to listen and find a compromise, if that didnt work they could have tried spreading the word to fellow citizens and gain their support as I'm pretty sure not EVERYONE in Konoha felt the same way towards them and would have joined their cause for equality

But no, they chose the path of violence and it resulted in their entire clan's downfall and they end up with NOTHING but a bad name, so what did they gain? absolutely nothing, so was it worth it? NO

So lets stop acting like Konoha’s the big bad villain that did nothing but wrong and the Uchiha’s were pure innocent souls that did nothing wrong to deserve what happened to them because Ima say it THEY DID and their downfall was entirely their own fault for their approach, was it right? of course not genocides never ok and just as the Uchihas could have found another method Konoha could have as well so they were both in the wrong not just one or the other

Itachi also isnt a saint for the same reason the Uchiha’s and Konoha isnt and thats choosing the wrong approach to resolving the problems, there were many other paths he could have chosen but he chose the worst ones every time so just clearing Itachi’s name because of his good intentions wouldnt be right because his methods were beyond fucked up on so many levels

So my point is Sasuke was a victim of both sides wrongdoings, Taka didnt help with that at all, Team 7 tried to empathize and tried to understand and console him and save him from himself, its just that Sasuke didnt let them and pushed them away and thats of no fault of theirs since they did try but mainly Sasuke and them being mostly in the dark about everything

Yet Taka knowing almost everything didnt even try to reach out to him or help him cope in any way, Karin you’d think would understand and get through to Sasuke the most, cared more about her lust for him and seeing his ‘smile’ than actually empathizing with him and helping him through the turmoil he was in, Suigetsu made it clear he was out for himself from the start and Jugo is just wholeheartedly loyal to Sasuke no matter what

The fact that in the end, Sasuke makes no attempt to visit them until he needs them for something speaks volumes of his attachment to them, I think Taka thinks more of Sasuke than Sasuke does of them

He didnt even say goodbye to them before he left for his redemption journey nor did he bring them along on his years-long mission which again speaks volumes

So all Im saying is, Taka being the best team for Sasuke and his true friends is complete bull because I have yet to see any argument or reasoning for this be anything other than he chose them and that they went along with everything he did without question

If you have a better reason for why you think this then please share with me I welcome it maybe you can change my mind, but as of right now all the arguments I see is bullshit or occasionally shipping based which isnt a legitimate reason btw, so if you can be civil then I'm all ears

Note: I didnt mention the other Kages because it should be obvious their ways were screwed up as well and ruined a lot of lives, however what does Sasuke’s idea of basically ruling as a dictator resolve? how does that fix and reform the system? Sasuke wont live forever so what happens when he dies? he cant be the enemy that unites everyone once he’s dead and gone it’ll return back to how things were and thus mission failed another Uchiha dies for nothing, Sasuke’s approach to the situation was just a temporary solution not a permanent one and one that wouldnt last long anyway so lets not pretend Sasuke had the best solution to the problem when in all honesty both his and Naruto’s solutions were flawed and it makes sense that they’d work together using both methods rather than one and compromise, again we can argue about Sasuke’s situation after the war all day but fact of the matter is just gotta accept this is what it is and move on, at least Sasuke achieved partially what he wanted which was a bright future for the next generation and the villages to be at peace with one another without the need of a common enemy anymore, are things completely resolved? no, but its progress, and 15 years is nowhere near enough time to fix decades worth of damage so its still a work in progress and will be for a long time

[night-springs]

MARY idk if uve talked abt this before but what was violets relationship w/ julius like?? im super curious

KDSFHSDKF MICAH im so excited to talk abt this oh my god tysm….. also im so fucking sorry this took so long, i had way too much to say about it… ok so for context, violets canon playthrough order is vice kings > carnales > rollerz

…also, since its super obvious when reading this, i always wanted julius’ seemingly blatant distaste for johnny to have come into play in some form at like… any point in the series really. but since volition never went anywhere with it im taking it into my own lil gremlin hands

(background to this interpretation of julius)

in a word it was.. complicated. they were never close. when they met, julius was just looking for more recruits, the saints needed all the help they could get, but he thought he saw something in that skinny, terrified kid when him and troy saved her from being caught in the middle of a turf war. plus the kid owed him a life debt, and that aint a bad thing to have in his position. but, to violet… sure his speech about taking back the city to “save lives” was nice and all, but its not why she joined. she was homeless, starving, had nowhere to go and no options. she didnt even really have to think about the offer, becoming a saint just made sense. it was a step towards something, even if she didnt know exactly what it was, and so violet showed up in the churchyard the very next morning

from julius’ pov, violet took to fighting like a fish to water. capable, willing to do whatever it took, never talked back or questioned orders, and owed him their loyalty? to be honest she was basically the perfect little soldier. he thought this kid had a serious chance of being one of their key members… and he wasnt wrong. but in truth violet was terrified. when troy took her to buy a gun and had her kill someone for the first time with it, she managed to keep it together until she dropped him off and he was just out of sight. then she vomited all over the passengers seat of the car. the constant terror made it hard for her to sleep at night. a broken nose, bloody bandages over cuts from close calls with stray bullets, too many bruises to count and it didnt take long for her knuckles to become more scars than skin. for a while she was arguably more of a wreck than she was before she joined up

but at the same time, joining up improved things for violet. before this shed been sleeping in an alleyway, but now at night she could sleep in the church, and the other saints were friendly to her. then, when she got her first share of money? she went and bought herself a full meal and almost cried on the spot. soon, after pocketing as much cash as she could from dead rival gangsters wallets, she saved enough to get a loft right in saints row, and it was a shitty one, but she didnt fucking care. she loved that loft. from her point of view, julius was giving her the chance to save her own life. all she had to do in return was kill people for him. and she rationalized it to herself that way. if she had to kill other people to survive, then so be it

….and then violet began to realize how much of an adrenaline junkie she is, and holy fuck did she love to fight. if she had an opportunity to ditch the gun and just go in with a bat or even just her fists, she took it. the rush of risking her life became something she thought was fun. plus the respect she got as a saint? people were afraid of her, and she had anyone wearing purple on her side. the thrill, the power, the money, the loyalty… without her even really realizing it, running with gangs went from a means to an end to something that she enjoyed. but this change happens slowly, over the course of taking over stilwater. in truth, julius’ betrayal was what finally tipped her all the way

julius starts to hate her before they even finish off the vice kings. hed assigned her to helping out gat first, thinking even if dex was overseeing everything, their youngest lieutenant would need someone who could handle it if one of his crazy plans went south. but the trail of carnage and destruction violet and johnny left behind was the exact opposite of what julius wanted. he thought itd be over once the VKs were finished and he could assign violet to working with another (more stable) lieutenant, but after gat had taken that shotgun blast to the knee to help the kid escape and shed gone in alone to save him, the two were practically attached at the hip. the kid would follow gat around like a lost puppy, and the only person johnny spent more time with than violet was his girlfriend. then, once tanya was dead, he overhears a rumor that the supposedly mute kid could not only talk, but she would only speak to johnny or aisha. apparently gat had gone asking around if the kid had spoken to anyone else before him, and thats how everyone found out (gat was slightly offended when he found out violet spoke to aisha first, long before vi made that horrible hepatitis joke to him, and aisha had been keeping it a secret for her)

julius had never liked gat, he didnt care about ending the gang wars and was only there because he was bloodthirsty and lived for violence. and now he and the kid julius was becoming increasingly cautious of were feeding off of each others recklessness. not only were those two a volatile mix, but it seemed like julius was losing control of playa because of it… and that was bad news for him

johnnys sidelined, and banned from helping with any moves against the carnales and rollerz. julius told him it was because of his injury, which they both knew was a bullshit reason; hed been fucking up the vice kings just fine even with his messed up knee. gat did not take it well, and there was a shouting match that violet walked in on. vi was upset of course, her and gat were friends now and she liked running missions with him, but she wasnt going to argue. even if playa didnt understand julius’ decision, she didnt question him, but there was a lot of tension between johnny and julius after that, especially when it seemed like julius was actively trying to keep vi and johnny away from each other. anytime theyd hang out at the church, if julius saw them together you could feel the tension fill up the room, and more often than not hed just send violet out with some bullshit orders. the two quickly learned to hang out away from the church after that

by the time the carnales are history and theyre gunning for the rollerz, julius knows how badly he fucked up. thinking he could start a new gang, and control it? he was naive. theyd taken over almost all of stilwater, but at what cost? how much of the city had they destroyed along the way? and at the center of all that carnage was violet. the more of the city they take over because of her, the more disgusted she makes julius. he needed to stop the saints, stop her, but he has to do it carefully. if anyone realized it, or that he was trying to get playa killed, the gang would turn on him in an instant. the rest of the saints idolize playa, and they all know shes a big part of the reason for their success. if anything happened to julius, the gang would rally around violet, and he knows it

at first he was just sending her into risky situations because of the faith he had in her, but for a while now hed been sending her on straight up suicidal tasks on purpose, hoping someone would finally just take her out before she caused any more harm or became even more of a problem. but she just keeps coming back. doesnt matter if its just her against an entire stronghold of god knows how many seasoned gang members, shell walk out only a little worse for wear. julius starts to wonder just how terrifying this kid is, and all the while violet never even notices that julius is doing this, shes just doing what shes told. hes all praise whenever they speak, trying to keep her placated. troy notices the risks julius always seems to take with violet, but he just thinks julius is putting too much faith in the kid and driving her too hard. he starts trying to look after vi in his own ways to make up for it (thats how they become friends) but he never realizes julius’ true intentions until its far too late

vi and lin are flying solo now, with almost no help from the other lieutenants. julius makes it look like hes putting more faith in violet, no more kid gloves. of course vi and lin get in over their heads like that, and when lin gets killed and vi ends up in the hospital, julius wishes to god that she had just drowned in the river with lin

and then, soon after, its done. the vice kings, the carnales, the rollerz, theyre all a memory. the saints own the whole damn city, or whatevers left of it. and then julius gets arrested, and he finds out troy is a cop, and julius knows its all over…. but troy offers him a deal: get johnny and playa out, and he can walk. he gets the idea right there, to kill violet himself. theres no way shes going to stop, and julius knows it

violet knew driving over to the dock that she was walking into a trap, but if it was to get julius back, it didnt really matter. shed already murdered a major public figure and the chief of police trying to get him back, shooting her way out of another situation almost seemed pretty fuckin mild at that point. so it doesnt surprise her when hughes’ men surround her; no, what does surprise her is the sudden loud beeping, the confused look on hughes face, and something in her gut screaming at her to run. whether it was the wall of henchmen between her and the explosion, or the split second before the bomb went off that she used to rush forward and leap just over the railing that saved her life there, shes never sure. maybe it was both. either way, the burns scarring her back for the rest of her life show she didnt get off scot-free

five years later, and within 24 hours of waking up and breaking out of prison, shes already visited the police station and listened to the tapes. and once shes heard them, violet is seething. she did EVERYTHING for julius, became a murderer, risked her life, followed all his orders without question! and he took five years of her life away! tried to take all of it away! something in her just snaps, and she sets up the meeting with dex that same night

julius thought hed be meeting up with dex, but in truth he isnt surprised to see violet instead; hed been dreading the possibility of this day since he first learned that shed survived the explosion. but even so, even after what he did, it quickly becomes obvious that julius genuinely doesnt believe that violet will follow through with payback. and violet is livid, feels like somebody hollowed her insides out and theres nothing but anger under her skin anymore. despite everything he doesnt know her at all, still thinks shes this loyal little teenager who will do whatever shes told. a dog on a leash, because he never learned that she could be more than that, that she was more than that

and then, hearing him hold himself over her? violet knows who she is and whats she done, shes under no illusions about that. but hearing julius somehow think hes the good guy, that hes morally better than her after everything he did, everything he ordered her to do… it adds a whole new level of hatred. not to even mention how he tries to leverage saving her life over her again, after shed MORE than paid back that debt. thats the last straw, and she kills him. never regrets that choice for a single second for the rest of her life

after that, violets just… angry. shes like that for years. julius took everything good she ever had away from her, and every person she kills is another “fuck you” to his memory. gang member, cop, civilian, she doesnt care anymore. julius wanted to save the city from her? good. shell burn the whole fucking thing down just to spite him

she doesnt get over that for a long time