#im not like. having a bad mental health day. but things just feel rly off atm

[cherriesandcharms]

second night in a row ive stayed up waaaaaaay past my bedtime bc my executive dysfunction is so bad i cannot get myself to move to go to bed

[barkingangelbaby]

venting so much i ran out of tags lmao

[steampoweredskeleton]

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Ignore

[why-the-heck-not]

how do you study/code everyday? Genuinely asking, like how do you maintain focus and not get distracted or stop when it gets hard? Ignore the following question if you live your major and school and all that: how do you not get sad? And if you do what do you do when that happens?

With love and admiration, a fellow computer science student who is struggling so much

Heyy and thank you for the ask!

Honestly, I get very distracted a whole lot. Like 50% of my days are procrastination bc I don’t want to do things. And I don’t study every day, but most days just bc I’m bad at taking full days off bc of The Guilt lol. Waking up early has helped me a ton, bc even if I procrastinate the morning bc don’t want to start doing things, it’ll still be early. The annoying thing to say, but it rly does feel like u have more hours in a day that way.

For stopping when it gets hard: I have this one playlist that’s like 30mins long, and everytime I wanna give up, I put that on, and it’s like a ”okay just gotta work until this playlist stops”-thing. And sometimes I do just stop after bc I’m getting nowhere, but sometimes that ”permission” to stop doing things actually makes me want to get them done. And sometimes u luck out and figure out the thing in that 30mins. (Sure a timer would work as well but I time my time with music a lot of times idk)

And yeah I get sad, bc like who doesn’t. Idk, I feel like the key is to try move on the second u can. You had ur bad days and can’t do anything abt that now, so wallowing & feeling guilty about that is not gonna do anything. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, and a week or so won’t ruin things. Trying to not get stuck in it, the cycle of ”I’ve fucked this up ohno” and getting more depressed from that and then continuing to not being able to do anything is very real. At that point, u gotta remind urself that any little bit helps (if that’s either towards the school things or like washing piled up dishes; anything to move anything along helps to get urself out).

Also big thing that has helped me; no social media when it gets bad !! All that ”respect the grind” ”that girl” ”grind mindset” etc. makes it feel way more shitty. But also the mental health awarness side sometimes makes it too easy to be ”yeah so im sad, im not going to even try to do anything” (it’s fine obv when u just can’t, but when u notice 2 years have gone by bc ”i’m just having a bad day today” everyday, it’s no longer selfcare). So idk, what helps for me is to have the bad days just by myself in the bubble and at some point getting up and doing a thing. Which sometimes/usually snowballs into a couple things. And never underestimate the power of taking a good long shower. Everything seems more doable after a shower idk why. Also I think I say this in about every ask but WALKS !! Are so good !!!!! For everything !!

[emeritus-fuckers]

hello i was wondering if i could participate in the match up event?

I am afab and nb, I use any pronouns :) I'm cool with being any gender or being with any gender neither matters much to me

I lov the ghouls and their silly little shenanigans :)

I'm pretty feminine looking, I'm 5'1 and I'm built like a comic book male superhero like broad chest and shoulders but a straight line from the ribs down like a upside down dorito w legs

I'm asian so my eyes and hair are dark, my hair's like a shoulder-length wolf cut ish thing... idk I just hack at it. sometimes I wear glasses, but sometimes I just feel like being blind. When I get dressed I pretend like im dressing up in a fun little costume so my day is more whimsical and silly my go-to is like sailor uranus prince-type girl crush but a wizard or a wizard who is going on an epic expedition to recover lost artifacts but no matter the outfit the key is that I look like I'm secretly a merlin-style cartoonishly evil wizard. So i guess maybe like goth grunge academia something something pinterest buzzword Oh and I have major rbf, and it makes ppl scared of me

I'm an introverted person and I tend to be very logical but. I think different from a lot of ppl apparently. I've been described, to paraphrase, as "sort of ominous and mysterious but actually funny", "uncanny and unsettling in a good way", and "awkward and weird but its endearing" which just sound like insults. I like to live in my head and make silly stories and things to play with. Like every tumblr user I've got fucked up mental health and bad parents so I am kind of like one of those freaky ass chihuahuas that is always scared and shakes and bites people and has digestive issues. I tend to be hard to read or sort of deadpan so I like fucking w people since they can't tell if I'm joking bc i love mischeif and japes. I want to be a silly not-quite-supervillain like Dr doofinshmirtz or like a trickster archetype sort yk

I was a pretty intense synchronized swimmer for like 9 years I competed at like opens and nationals and all that when I was in school but my university doesn't have :( I'm on the rowing team now but I would rather do synchro esp since being my main thing was being flexible and it has no advantages in rowing lmaooo I've been a huge vocaloid fan since elementary school so I've been around in that community for a while (I am so well-adjusted). I like to make vocal synth covers and draw, especially when I'm able to work with producers to provide art for their vids it's so cool hehehehhe I mostly listen to vocaloid music but I like a lot of metal stuff as well that's how I found out abt gonst. I also like 2 play video gamez, I'm so fucking bad at them but I think it's rly funny so I just spend hours giggling and watching myself get mauled over and over.

I love horror a lot but I'm less a slasher girlie and more of a supernatural psychological tormet girlie esp if its got mythology or religions shit involved. Im majoring in history bc all good history ppl like silly metal and I wrote this instead of my abstract that's due in like an hour bc I have no idea what to do for the topic 🥲🥲

- the fuckin wizard

This post is part of the 1000 followers match up event. Entries for the event are now closed.

Your match is... Zephyr

They like listening to you talk about your major and interests. He's a very good listener.

While they might not be the best swimmer, they enjoy the activity and if you want to show off, they'll absolutely let you and be super proud.

He doesn't mind how unique your style is. He probably wouldn't really try to match clothes with you, but they'd try their best to buy you stuff you'd enjoy.

Since he doesn't really walk much, they picked up drawing and started doing it with you. They're surprisingly good at it for someone who just randomly said "I'm bored, maybe I should start drawing".

Also, horror movie date nights! They're also much more of a psychological horror person, but his favorite is of course the paranormal (he finds it hilarious) so you two take turns picking the movies.

Video game dates included, too. He's got a PS3 and the first three Uncharted games, as well as some others. Their favorite is Uncharted 3.

He'll insist you wear your glasses. He knows the consequences of ignoring his health. It's not fun.

~

Written by Nosferatu with the help of the wonderful and of @ask-zephyr-ghoul (ilysm pookie).

[binders-and-beanies]

Mental health updates under the cut I guess (tldr I’m still not ok but am taking steps to keep myself safe or whatever)

Told my supervisor I’m in crisis and he was super understanding n supportive n whatnot. We both are trans and have mental health issues and work in an lgbt center so one would hope it’s safe to be honest abt that kind of thing but it was a relief bc it also opened up a conversation abt scheduling moving forward n me having like 2 or 3 days off a week as opposed to the current 1 or 0. Esp since higher ups want me to work less anyways im like that’s totally fine bc i have a million things to do outside of work all the time.

Other thing I did was cancel a workshop I was gonna lead next week and it was a really hard decision. I would have been proud afterwards and I’m worried abt having regrets but I’ve done the same workshop before so it’s off the bucket list or whatev. Person in charge of that was also super supportive for similar reasons as above. It doesn’t solve the problem of there always being too many things stressing me out, and I don’t wanna set a precedent that I can just not do my responsibilities, but it eases a big part of the stress this month specifically.

Ppl in my life are saying they’re proud of me for setting that boundary and it’s weird to be praised for bailing on smth when I’m also feeling big guilty abt it but I gotta remind myself that being flakey is absolutely normalized in society and if ur average person can do so on the regular then I’m allowed to take One step back once it’s gotten to the point where my safety is questionable. I’d like to get to a point where things don’t get that serious in the first place but I’ve also never rly appreciated feeling blamed for being in this kind of position when the kind of things I’m busy with are mostly 1) things that are required for survival and 2) things that make it feel worth surviving. As if this is smth i do to myself bc i just <3 capitalism or smth

Im stressin tho bc as mentioned earlier my job is at risk for unrelated reasons which also means a lot of other things are at risk. This is happening at the same time I’ve just lost my insurance and have my biggest ever college bill to pay. And now I don’t know where I’ll be living or what that will mean for my finances either. It would also mean it takes even longer to qualify for any kind of credit, and therefore an apartment.

Even if nothing happens and I just keep working here for another year as planned it’s like can I not get JUMPSCARED w my livelihood being threatened like there’s literally always at least one Huge actual life or death problem as well as many other less catastrophic but extremely stressful things to deal w. I’m tired of living like that w no relief and I hate that the best case scenario is this fear ends up being for nothing. I hate that I’m thinking abt what I’ll do in x y or z scenario for this summer and my masters if this falls through, instead of enjoying the relief of one less thing on my plate.

I hate that this is how I’m doing the day after my birthday. I had a fun birthday weekend and am grateful for the people I spent it with and the places I went but it didn’t feel like genuine celebration it felt forced, like I was doing it because I Have to have a good birthday. Bc if one of the most important days of the year isn’t joyful then where’s the hope of any other days getting better. I did enjoy it I just couldn’t Feel the enjoyment bc I’m so stressed and I had major breakdowns before and after my bday. It sets a bad tone regarding aging and I want to celebrate progress but it’s hard when the future is more terrifying every year.

I feel like even if all my problems were magically solved, my ability to feel joy is permanently altered and it’s hard to imagine feeling anything more positive than just like, relief and rest. Idk I say all that to say I’m proud of myself for taking steps to make life more livable just like I’ve always done but it also feels kinda hopeless like nothing I do matters if it’s gonna be constant stress regardless

[jamesbukkakebarnes]

.

[wintercoats]

(tw for disordered eating mentions)

i literally have suuuuch fucked up eating habits and it’s like . 90% bc of the adhd and i just don’t think abt needing food . but it’s been rly bad the past few days and it’s rly affecting my mental n physical health like…… no energy constant low mood n irritability etc n im so tired of it but it’s a vicious cycle like !!!! I forget to eat -> i don’t have energy to make food -> i continue to not eat bc of this -> i have even less energy and on and on :/

plus being a rly picky eater bc Autism™️ makes it even worse bc even if someone else makes food chances are i won’t eat it and it’s just . so frustrating + it makes me feel so helpless sometimes . idk . i wish i could just have a list to look at of Every Possible Thing I Will Eat that also takes like 10 minutes top to prepare :/// or just like . live off snacks instead of having to have proper meals bc that’s so much easier . ugh

[bucksfucks]

holy shit you actually answered about the fact im having the worst week:) my friends is being rly toxic + heres the thing. I keep my problems on the inside. im one of those people that cry at night *silently* + im like the therapist friend. I listen to everyone, but no one gives a shit about my problems. like im depressed on the inside but a fucking bright ray of sunshine on the outside +if im sad, my friends say its a faze. im gonna have to continue on another ask because theres not enough room

this is a long post with lots of general advice but here you go bubs <<3

[me again. im literally so insecure and i hate my mental health and i hate that no one wants to hear whats going on with me. my aunt and i r rly close and i can't even tell her whats going on because i don't want pity simpathy. and i can see people talking abt me and i try to be pretty and i wear mascara because it makes ME feel pretty but im starting to get made fun of the fact that i wear it and i think im gonna stop wearing it now and i just cant anymore. i rly rly cant. i dont know what to do]

take what i say with a grain of salt, i am nothing more than a stranger on the internet.

first of all:

if your friends are being toxic; cut them out.

i know i’m being really blunt, but as someone who had a toxic group of friends up until 2/3 years ago—that shit is not worth it.

if they’re really your friends they would listen to you and they wouldn’t brush off your very VALID feelings.

second of all:

i really do encourage you to get your feelings out. i used to do a lot of journaling and found that it was very therapeutic!

if you can, please look into getting a therapist! i believe that EVERYONE should be going to therapy <<3 it’s not a sign of weakness and it’s honestly great.

i know not everyone CAN go to a therapist, but many schools have counsellors and services you can use!

third of all:

there is nothing to be insecure about—everyone has their bad days and their good days! acknowledging that you’re a work in progress is already such an amazing thing!

talk to your aunt!!!! she cares about you and loves you and sometimes you NEED a shoulder to cry on, and guess what? THAT’S OKAY!!

showing and feeling your emotions is NOT a weakness i can’t stress that enough. we’re humans, we’re emotional and bottling that up isn’t healthy—allow yourself to be vulnerable to your aunt and ask for help! <3

fourth of all (that doesn’t sound grammatically correct):

fuck literally EVERYONE who makes fun of you for wearing makeup. if YOU like it, WEAR IT!!! <<3

it’s hard, but as soon as you stop caring about other people’s opinions and start doing things for you, life gets easier.

if you like wearing mascara, i say you should keep wearing it!! people suck and there will always be someone saying something—but, who cares??

asking for help is not a sign of weakness. cutting out toxic people from your life is not a bitch move. living your life how YOU want is not a selfish choice. do the things that make YOU happy and make sure to take care of YOURSELF first!! <<3

[yeetmeawayy]

Ok hi it’s future zu here (and past zu for future zu who is reading this). I did not stick to my weekly reflections tho in hindsight i feel like i shouldve. But anyways, here’s a quick rundown for u:

- u were converted to full time in June, later than expected but well. Tis what it is. May-june i think were ok periods but still slightly tiring/stressful as i recall when i was offered the conversion i wasnt too sure about whether to accept it. But anw. I did.

- Things started getting a little better ard july, u felt like u were getting the hang of stuff, and work didnt seem too bad then either. U started LAS, and generally u rly were feeling a bit more ok

- mental health took a dive around mid aug? Things were getting quite tough dealing with the memories and all and the poor emotional regulation meant that i would lose concentration, or have multiple mini breakdowns at work which was obv not helping my productivity. Eventually spoke to the team abt it and took about 1.5 weeks off in Sept to clear my head.

- during my week off i reflected and realised the job rly wasnt helping w my stress lvls and i just rly didnt enjoy the whole corporate grind culture and wasnt getting much job satisfaction out of the work either (amidst some social tensions at work too). So i told them at the end of sept/early oct that i was planning to leave

- decided to leave by mid Jan but HR was all “oh just leave by EOY” cos it’d be a hassle to file my taxes for another year lol clowns so i agreed cos wtf lol if they gna treat me like tht good riddance. So yes my last day was officially 29th Dec but unofficially 22nd dec cos office closures begin on 25th….

- yeehaw to what was supposed to be my 2nd last week of work, 15 Dec. At ard 11am we had a team check in to decide what to do the following week cos it was supposed to be a full wfh week. I tell em im almost done with all the left over ref packs i had to finish, and would finish the last one on monday and just use the rest of the week to clean up my handover stuff. They suddenly ask me to work on 2 new EDAs. 10 slides each. I say ok, but it will just be a rough first draft, content only, no visuals. They agree. We have a good farewell lunch at The Halia. I have to work a little at night to finish up the ref pack i was working on since we didnt work much in the afternoon-evening cos i was travelling home from botanic.

- fast forward to next week monday. Ok this one is gonna take a bit long so im gonna finish it tmr or sumn but a quick tldr: they end up making my last week NOT my last week, are super paggro and toxic about it, and basically im just like wow 0 graduation goggles im so glad im leaving ALHAMDULILLAH.

Gonna try and post weekly work reflections here i guess. For context to future me, you started working at H*v** about 2 months ago (mid dec). There were a number of closures tho so effectively youve worked two weeks less than 2 months. Either way. It’s been a fairly wild ride and youve been stressed a lot but the last 2 weeks were not so bad cos ur sr has noticed tht you’re stressed and overworked so he assigned just 1 major proj to u. U had to OT till pretty late on Wednesday (like. 10pm sitting at tamp east mrt tryna clean up slides and send an email late) but it wasnt too stressful though the hours were def taking a toll on u physically. You’re still not very sure how long u wanna stay here. It’s only been 2 months but it feels like forever lel at the most you’re thinking 1 year at least 6 months ngl. You cant figure out why you’re so done with everything. You hope you do soon. I hope you do soon. Till next time, we’ll take it day by day

[mikemoon]

( choi yeonjun, cis man ) have you seen MICHAEL “MIKE” MOON ? i heard HE is a COMPUTER SCIENCE MAJOR at SAN VERTO COLLEGE and an EMPLOYEE at HALL OF FILM. they’re 22 years old and they’ve been living in san verto for 6 YEARS. they tend to be CARE-FREE & ADVENTUROUS, but rumor has it they can also be GRUMPY & CLUMSY. [ tally, 25, gmt+4, she/her ] @foolsstarters​

tw // mentions of depression, cheating, divorce, underage drinking and smoking

michael moon, born myungjun moon –– choi yeonjun fc

birthday: september 9, 1998 - 22 yrs old ; virgo

cis man, he/him, bisexual

born and raised in philadelphia, pennsylvania

mike grew up being an only child, and always around the company of his mother in their house. his father was always traveling back and forth from south korea to the states for work. his parents have met at work on one of his father’s trips to the states, and they fell in love. his mother being american-born, she couldn’t really leave philadelphia. she loved it there. so they decided to keep it a long distance relationship.

sometime during those fleeting meetings, she had gotten pregnant with michael. and of course, his father spoiled them both, giving them everything they wanted. he never left them to fend for themselves. when the boy was born, his father named him myungjun, and his mother decided to name him michael for his english name. the nicknames jun, mike, and sometimes junnie were often heard whenever his parents or childhood friends called him.

up until mike was five years old in 2004, he’s lived with his mother, while his father was leaving and coming back for a week or two. but that year, he’s finally moved to the states and stayed with them for longer nights. he even finally married michael’s mother. of course, he still disappeared for a few days or weeks on end for work.

but that was also the year michael’s mother found out that her husband was with another woman. michael has never seen his mother break down like that before. sadly, the young boy was peering into the room when the fight happened and witnessed everything. his mother made her partner choose between the two women, and he eventually told her that he was going to divorce his first wife for her, and appeared to have gone through with his promise. because after that incident, he’s been around more often.

by early 2015, when michael had just turned 16, his mother had gotten a teaching job in ashdown academy, which resulted in their move to san verto, california. meaning, new school and new friends for mike. meanwhile, his dad was still traveling a lot for business and coming back whenever he could.

michael has grown up as a cheerful and energetic child. his friends at any school he went to would tell you how much of a great friend he is, how trustworthy and caring he is. it was so easy for him to make friends anywhere. he was the type of friend who would smile at you and listen to you talk on and on about whatever you liked, and the type who would cheer you on with anything you want to achieve. he wanted everyone to feel included and loved.

so it wasn’t that hard for him to get along with new people once he moved to town. he was a very social person. 

he was also the type of teenager who was out there doing things he wasn’t supposed to. he missed his old friends and his old home, but he wanted to have fun with all the new kids he was befriending. that simply resulted in him going to house parties as an underaged teen to ‘have fun’. his mother didn’t approve of him coming home very late at night, clearly smelling like smoke and alcohol. 

internally he was a depressed mess. of course, no one is completely happy as they grow up. his family was a mess, even if it appeared as fine to everyone else. his family life affected him so much while growing up. mike sometimes could disappear for a few days in his room, and it was always during some of his bad spells.

what made it worse was the day he found out the truth.

it was 2017 when michael walked into his father’s office in their house, looking for him to ask him about something. and instead of finding the man, he found a stack of papers poking from underneath his father’s laptop. upon closer look, they appeared to be divorce papers. michael’s heart sunk, thinking his parents were breaking it off.

michael is a curious kid, he couldn’t help but close the door and read the papers. but what he saw wasn’t his mother’s name, it was another woman. his heart raced, as he put things back where they were and immediately left the room. michael had found out one of his father’s many secrets. he never divorced his first wife all those years ago. he lied and somehow stayed with both women without suspicion... well, until now. clearly the other woman was breaking it off for a reason. 

michael couldn’t help his curiosity. he came back to the room later that night and snapped as many pictures as he could of evidence he could find. he even found his father’s phone (which was easy to figure out the password of) and found a plethora of pictures of the man with a different family, different kids and a different partner. he airdropped the pictures to himself to avoid leaving any traces behind and quickly left again.

a quick search on facebook, and he managed to find the first wife. it was easy with the name and pictures he had. if anything, michael prided himself on being a good internet detective... or stalker. he spent everyday trying to find the rest of the family on the internet. he found the woman’s young daughter on instagram and twitter, along with her older son’s accounts as well. it felt weird. it was a constant “now what?” for michael. he’s found them. what was he going to do now? he couldn’t just message them and tell them everything. and he couldn’t break his mother’s heart by letting her know.

except he had to let her know. he could never live with the fact that he knew his father was betraying her this entire time. and so michael told her everything, and after comforting her all night when she broke down yet again, she immediately ended things and asked for a divorce. now it was just michael and his mother, all alone. and for once, having to get by on their own.

thankfully they were safe, with his mother’s amazing money management skills, and the job she got at the academy, they managed to live their regular lives despite the heavy feeling of a broken family looming around them. the two just wanted to be happy again.

michael spent the next few years trying to lead a normal life. his mental health had gotten worse after everything he’s found out. he went to college, and he continued trying to do well in school. he really wasn’t the best when it came to grades, but he was trying his best.

and truthfully, he couldn’t help but make a few spare accounts on some social medias to follow his father’s other family.

but he eventually decided to just let it go, assuming they definitely knew about his mother and himself, which would explain the first divorce. so he decided to put it in the past and move on.

his mother has moved on as well. she found herself someone who actually cares about her so much (mike’s stupid ass has done a secret background check to make sure this dude wasn’t another cheater lmaoo) and now mike isn’t an only child anymore. it’s been 2 years since his little sister yuna was born, and he loves her so much. he still isn’t used to the idea of a new fatherly figure in his life, but he’s.... getting there. 

little dumb hcs

mike majors in computer science at san verto college, with a concentration in game development and design

hes a lil gamer boy,,, u KNOW he’s that annoying dude with a gamer chair that has a sound system in it khjkh

he posted a few videos on youtube but rly just ditched the channel after like a month. he still posts whenever he feels like it tho and it’s usually just.... messy gaming videos or opinions no one asked for

his dad’s dumb ass still doesn’t know it was mike who exposed him to his mother. he thinks she found the divorce papers on her own. therefore.... mike still gets money from his dad on a monthly basis and gets to keep the car he bought him for his 18th birthday lmaooooo a win 

you probably heard me say this before but.... theres a hc that mike is allergic to eggs. simply bc the idea of him shopping in the vegan section is funny to me 

this boy has a love for frogs ? idk where the obsession came from but you bet you’re gonna see a cute lil frog sticker on everything he owns. he doodles them on everything too ? it’s a habit at this point. he also knows random little facts about them and tells them to anyone who didnt ask for them 

. embarrassing but.. this dude... omg.... a big sana stan.... he has a photocard collection.... he went to a twice concert like 5 times.... dont be surprised if you see a feel special sana photocard in his phonecase.... im embarrassed of him 

he also has a hyunjin mcdonalds hashbrown photocard framed that a friend gave to him for christmas bc.. it’s a rare card,,, and you can see it on a table by the door when you walk into his apartment 😭

mike also has a habit of buying things he doesn’t need ?? he has a plushie collection that has been growing since he was young, and now is getting bigger with the rise of squishmallows

there’s this random hc where he drunk bought a cardboard cutout of john cena ,,,, don’t ask,,, it’s currently guarding his room back at his mom’s house djfhdj

can you tell mike is my most embarrassing , most chaotic character,, 

also he moved out after graduating school and when he started to attend college,,,, gimme some roomies pls

connection ideas ??

michael’s childhood friends; could’ve gone to the same school back in philly before he moved away ?? 

friends he made when he moved to town?? mike is very social and was... kinda popular in school, i’d say. he made friends with basically anyone he found interesting

michael’s ex; they could’ve ended on a bad note, or even on a good one and ended up being friends. im really up for plotting anything.

michael’s best friend; PLEASE i love wholesome best friend plots. it doesn’t matter if they met in san verto or philly

roomies pls !!! i would love it if he could have some roommates who have to deal with his very . peculiar decorating habits 

co workers ?? customers ? regulars ? he works at hall of film ! 

like this to plot or hmu !

[cowsparsley]

Hello! Fellow creative spoonie here. I've come across your blog, and I'd just like to ask how on earth you manage to draw everyday??? Also what do you do when you have to break your streak? Just cos when I tried to write everyday and ran out of spoons a week in, it totally destroyed me. Can you please... Tell me your secrets?

Oh god I don’t really have any secrets! I got sick when I was fourteen so I’ve had years of things slowly improving... 

As to how I manage to draw everyday, I gotta point out that I dont! In fact im taking a day off tomorrow! I’ve been drawing these comics since April and I’ve only really gotten my act together in lockdown. When I break my streak I try to do 5 or 6 panels a day and slowly catch up that way, or sometimes I hyperfocus and exhaust myself like today because honestly I’m an idiot. Alternatively sometimes I draw short two panel comics - luckily bad days are pretty boring.

I don’t really know what to recommend. I keep a very strict routine and otherwise have quite a shallow life. This is really the only thing I’ve got going on. (Which I wouldnt recommend! Go have a life!!!)

On top of that I’m sure our situations are very different. I don’t work (I’m a filthy scrounger) and we probably have different diagnoses. 

For me, I made myself sicker for years trying to go back to college after I dropped out, pushing myself too hard and making myself sicker. My folks thought I just wasn’t trying hard enough. I was a traumatised kid that managed to get away from a bad situation. I’ve only started to be able to manage my symptoms now that my brain isn’t drenched in stress hormones.

Routine is important to me, starting with the basics of sleeping and eating on time (which im pretty new to) and just generally taking care of yourself.

 Poor mental health and well being, even if youre not experiencing anything dramatic, can get in the way of managing symptoms. Unlearning ableism was a big thing for me and learning to be kind to my body. I recommend seeing a therapist if you have access to that.

Also gut health’s really important!!!!! I need to stop proselytising so I won’t go on but it genuinely helped me. And so did acupuncture!. (I heard people w/ my disease talk about acupuncture for ages and rolled my eyes but it turns out they were all on to something) 

Also honestly I’ve become addicted to each like and reblog... I’m not sure I’d still have the motivation if it wasn’t for all these people who like what I have to say. Im rly surprised that anyone likes my comics and am very excited for this to all go to my head lmao.

Also why do you want to write every day anyway? Just write when you feel up to it! You can’t measure yourself by the standards of abled people! Maybe try every other day or every week or whatever youre able to manage! Making art should be fun! I think if you exhaust yourself you’ll just become demotivated.

Also im really sry for rambling...... Like this was probably not the answer you were looking for but i dont have any secret wisdom sadly

[banghwa]

hey so i think im gonna take a bit of a break from here for a couple days

seeing all this violence and these casual displays of racism and hate and everything is doing a number on my mental health. i won’t go into detail but my family has had bad experiences with the police so all of this has been somewhat difficult. I’ve been doing my best to stay on top of information and send out emails and do anything i can but now with y*ongi i just. don’t have the energy to deal with any more non-black nonsense. I don’t rly know why im making a post about it but anyway. I might be here on and off to like a few things and leave/answer msgs if I get any, and I might have a follow forever queued soon but aside from that being on here has been so draining and i can feel it all getting bad for me so yeah :( im sorry :( if you have smt to tell me dm me or ask for my kkt (can’t guarantee I’ll answer, im rarely on it)

[shadeslayer]

@meyerlansky said: i haven’t read it since my first year of grad school but wages of whiteness by david roediger looks at this, and i also haven’t read it in full but an unlikely union by paul moses may address the specific irish/italian aspect (this is so many caveats but you know what grad school is like /o\)

OOOO...i will definitely look into this. and yeah..... Fuckin Yeah. im looking at probably dropping this semester and retaking my capstone and final credits at my oklahoma uni online bc ill be moving to illinois Next Month and im having a Mental Health Time to the extreme with it all. but fr i have race: a philosophical introduction by paul c taylor and its so good but ive only read like the first 2-3 chapters. that (and the phil of race class i took that assigned it) is what rly kicked me off thinking about the like... american racial groups that arent viewed as "races" *anymore* because reasons but still carry that baggage, like irish and italian. and jewish as well which is a whole other topic i can go off about but then wed be here all day

@go-go-ghostface said: I can’t remember the name of it rn, but there’s this documentary that’s based in Australia (where I live), on Eastern-Europeans first moving to Sydney and getting hate-crimed by other White people for being “wogs”. My step-parent identifies as wog (2nd gen Ukrainian), and while wogs have now earned their Whiteness in Australia- sometimes they still get treated as lesser and Not White Enough when people find out they’re wogs. Especially in workplaces when considering their competence

!!!! im definitely gonna have to watch that, it sounds really interesting. that fucking sucks so bad, and it is such a big problem that gets like.. talked around? because people so often dont seem to get that xenophobia and anti-immigrant bigotry and racism all go hand in hand and shine a light on how ill defined race as a concept is - its not just that they sometimes intersect

like i find it very Telling of how badly created race as a construct is when u can see how its completely broken down the second people from another country immigrant in, no matter their culture or color of their skin. and its strange bc its like. from the american side since thats what ive been able to study the history of, theres this two pronged thing to it where not only do our international relations import dynamics and ideas of ethnic/cultural bigotry, racism, and xenophobia *into* the usa

(which we then have to work into our own system and then it smooths out after a while - italian and irish american hatred, then settling down into the american 'color of the skin rules over all' kind of division that places the lighter skinned ones as white/white trash and the darker skinned ones as Another Race, with some leftover bits of ethnic features like hair color/texture retaining certain connotations that now exist outside of a properly racialized context)

but also we consistently export it, which ive seen talked about in americentrisms influence on other countries' politics in both the way people signal their views (ex. tories using confederate flags or maga hats) as well as what views are held/which are able to gain a foothold. ive seen some people talk about they feel australia was generally more progressive but with the development of usa politics over the last decade or so they feel australias started to backslide because of usamerican ideologies being imported in and either starting or emboldening conservatives there

and the usamerican conception of race is different from that of other countries, but bc of the exporting of that + usamerican domination over (english) discussion of race and racial justice, now many places will use the same language as the usa to discuss racial matters that do not fit into the usamerican conception. like "whiteness" as a concept as correlating to skin color, that the dominating and privileged racial group = white = white skin and european features etc. doesnt really fucking work. especially when u have a bunch of different regional groups with long histories of xenophobia and ethnic clashing politics and domination and colonialism etc. none of which or multiple of which have light skin and "white features" and so then trying to use "white" as the privileged dominating class doesnt help any fucking thing

but yeah like. sorry to ramble on and on its just very knotty and interesting. but its so fucking strange when its like. there is something that is what one would usually call Racism is very obviously going on towards a regional/ethnic/cultural group. and either they always have been or are now classified as "white," because theyve stopped being lynched in the streets and being 100% completely denied work and housing, and so its like. dont worry about race this isnt a race thing its nothing to do with race or the very racialized history of violence against these people. theyre just bad people who we hate and think are stupid and evil and filthy because they come from that one region/culture

gd i do want to just keep talking but my brain is melting currently so i hope this makes sense and doesnt sound horrible or something. its just so fucking whack the way race as a concept as evolved over time, not even that long of a time, and it can be very difficult to reconcile racialized past with the differently racialized present

would be interesting to see like. something abt how irish (and italian) people became white and what that has to do with the way they and other people view and talk abt the irish(/italian) diaspora compared to non white cultures & diasporas

[pairodicelost]

something needs to change soon bc i have so much i wanna do and make, and the dead weight of my own body and the prolonged suffering i dip in and out of is just untenable

had a well and truly terrible mental health day on tues... monday night was acute suffering and rumination and DAMAGED GOODS feeling, I drunk drafted an email to [redacted] shedding light on [redacted] (amazingly articulate, graceful even? though a tad dramatic), I drank gin, I went to bed. set off by watching vids of a young person i follow having a manic sobbing laughing undressed spiral online which really just grabbed my heart by the throat. Tuesday I couldnt get up until 3pm, and Angel sneezed so I panicked, either lung cancer or dust from her bedding (which i’d been changing daily!!) so I deep cleaned her cage extremely, held her on me almost the whole time, spent hours with her really while I did it and drank coffee and swept the house and handwashed her cloths and sewed things for her cage and then suddenly, cried and cried for awhile while she crawled on my shoulders. then made rly good dinner bc cooking is now something i like????

facetimed my sister super grumpy from my bad day and she was sour too, bad day on her end, rude boss, lotsa pressure, but she practiced delivering her presentation of the neuroscience data she gleaned and described in her (first! ever!) published manuscript/experiment. somehow cheered each other up. went to bed sober and not too late.

I am struggling to write and struggling to paint, collage with words is completely off the table lately bc my brain just convulses and turns into a wet towel and cannot focus. I think I need to aggressively enforce a week of NO MAKING ANYTHING, its okay to just cook and watch movies and play with the rats. No drawing or painting and most of all no shame over that. my self worth is all wrapped up in it, im supposed to be wildly productive in all my downtime so that I est a body of work, all weekend and all week nights go to this second life which will emerge - and I just gotta stop and chill tf out with making that my identity and my everything. this is about cooking! im worried about money all the time (bad bad bad, youre supposed to exercise gratitude and act and believe as if you already have the things you want, you know this!) but I have an overflowing pantry and a full fridge and freezer (its a minifridge and freezer lmao) and lately, unable to finish projects or deal with words, I’ve gotten into cooking! and baking! it keeps the kitchen warm, too, and is profoundly comforting.

french onion soup, nondairy tomato soup, brussel sprouts roasted with potatoes dressed in balsamic + garlic with eggs fried in there, butternut squash

so something is level and good within me, i suspect a lot of things are getting there.

today:

1. get to fedex/office depot and make 50 copies of zine

1.5. mail 2 maya while there

2. pick up carriers for the babes

3. assemble zines at home to send tmrw

4.  get rid of a ton of the paper scraps and ephemera I’ve been hauling around the country for ten yrs. collage and material belongings are stressful rn so best be rid of em. clear desk and files. make sewing stuff accessible.

5. prep batch of mail - for C in Fresno, R’s forgotten birthday card, MK’s thank you, grandparents, C + M, early bday to T??? and J in NC and E.

It’s funny though bc the new rat just hung with me for over an hr while I wait on hold with unemployment and I have little pulled-apart raspberries and carrot slices on an old open journal and my coffeetable is littered with envelopes and a banker’s lamp and nail polish pain meds allergy meds earache oil chapstick toothpaste lighter mouthguard and also an open bottle of charles shaw right next to a mcdonald’s cup i’ve been using for days to drink water out of bc the straw really helps, and super floral-smelling black tea i just made myself and I looked at this mess and thought to myself “is this happiness? i think maybe i’m really happy.” 

[gcnnerpaxton]

bri again making a terrible decision. do i need a fourth? no.......... bt here we are anyway. after this i promise im done fr a while bt :/ i lov this lil bitch so here we are........ give this a like if u wld b Down to Clown w him aka plot!

「axel auriant & cismale」⇾ paxton , gunner, the senior radcliffe student’s records show that he is a leo and 22 years old. he is studying film, living off campus and can be loyal, resilient, anxious & indifferent. when i see him i am reminded of curling up in bed for days in a hello kitty comfort shirt, the click of a camera shutter & hand-me-down’s two sizes too big.

pinterest is HERE.

TW’S FOR ABUSE, VIOLENCE, MISSING CHILD, KIDNAPPING, DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, AND INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA BELOW!

stats.

name: gunner brick paxton.

age: twenty-two.

gender identity: cis-male.

pronouns: he/him.

sexuality: demisexual.

birthday: july 31, 1998.

star sign: leo.

myers-briggs: istj.

year of study: senior.

major: film.

occupation: librarian.

place of birth: laramie, wyoming.

religion: catholic (non-practicing).

background.

neen jst brought in gunner’s older brother so fr those who read elias’ bio u kno tht gunner is the middle paxton child w eli being the oldest n then they have wyatt who is the youngest!!

they lived at the top of a hill in a trailer in a trailer park neighbourhood in laramie, wyoming so to say the least that fucking sucked for everyone involved

the trailer was so small that all 3 boys ended up sharing a room, gunner and wyatt sharing a bunk bed bc they cldnt fit 3 beds into one room it really was every childs nightmare bt they quickly grew used to it tbh

gunner was always more of an artsy child than invested in sports - though he does enjoy baseball and continued even to this day after their dad made him join SOMETHING in middle school - so he never rly earned their father’s respect, but he was always close with his mom since they had the same calm temperament

DEPRESSION/ANXIETY TW - he also gained a list of mental health issues that their mom had as well, including social anxiety and major depressive disorder - DEPRESSION/ANXIETY TW END

VIOLENCE/ABUSE TW - their father always encouraged pretty volatile behaviour and it caused a lot of physical fights and arguments between the brothers when their dad told them the best way to get over it was to start hurting until someone tapped out, it was just a chaotic and pretty abusive household but no one knew and their mom definitely wasn’t going to say anything about it to their dad - VIOLENCE/ABUSE TW END

MISSING CHILD/KIDNAPPING TW - wyatt went missing on a weekend that their parents were gone because of a trip they won, and things just got worse from there

ANXIETY/DEPRESSION TW - high school was really rough for gunner, his anxiety grew worse as time went on that no one found wyatt, their dad grew more hostile towards them, and their mom just grew sicker, it was rare that she would ever leave her room and if she did it was in fits of random energy where she would do something spontaneous and completely unnecessary to their house as a way of coping - MISSING CHILD/KIDNAPPING/ANXIETY/DEPRESSION TW END

the two years that gunner was at home after elias finally left for school were basically torture and as soon as he could, he was falling his brother’s footsteps in getting out of wyoming to go to school at radcliffe

INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA TW -  things are far better now that they’re out of their home situation, but gunner’s going through some more things personally now; the paxton’s were raised in an incredibly religious household, and he’s got some classic Catholic Guilt going on upon realizing that he’s not jst attracted to women n he avoided talking abt it forever/stayed in the closet fr far too long bt he’s sort of come out now in his own way even tho he does still get a bit nervous talking abt it rly - INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA TW END

he’s also ‘dealing’ rn which is frankly funny to think abt bc this man is abt as threatening as a care bear bt money is tight between him and eli all things considering, and with the amount of meds he’s on, plus incredibly frequent doctor’s visits, needing to pay for extra epi-pens, inhalers, etcs. bills add up so he’s cutting back his meds n selling wht he can spare which is . so unhealthy bt thts life in corporate america baybee!

details.

is literally allergic to everything. grass, cats, most fruits, milk, most nuts, bees, latex, probably more i cnt even keep up w them its pathetic

u can catch him n eli strutting around campus w matching epipen holders tht he got them fr eli’s 16th bday JKSDNGKLHSDGLK

if things cldnt get worse he also has quite intense asthma so he carries an inhaler with him at all times

n to make matters even WORSE he frequently has dizzy spells n bad memory problems bc of all the concussions he’s suffered from (about 8-9 at this point) as well as consistent migraines that can b literally debilitating sometimes

awkward n jst a bit of a Weirdo to b frank like if it weren’t fr eli he wld probably have one (1) friend he jst cnt converse w ppl

didnt have any friends in high school so took the time to teach himself rly weird things, knows a fuck ton of magic tricks, can yodel, juggle, solve a rubix cube with his eyes closed in under 2 minutes, just extremely weird and specific things

can honestly b a bit mean/barbaric to ppl he’s not close w/doesn’t kno has told ppl to their face before he doesn’t enjoy talking to them bc he has no concept of social constructs/norms

loves 2 film random things at parties, makes him feel more comfortable at them n he makes short films of them all after

update about his summer away: ended up heading to nyc fr a film internship n actually had a rly good time??? fr once?? jst had a rly nice summer fling after being a bit heartbroken throughout the school year it was jst a rly necessary n fulfilling summer fr him king of getting wht he finally deserves

this also led him to b like . oh maybe i’m Not broken bc he doesn’t realize........... demisexuality is a thing n wld get rly awkward during hookups a lot if hes jst not 100% comfortable w the person so now he thinks hes like a one man machine who actually has some Self Esteem n thinks he can have Sexual Relations all day every day (he cannot)

connections.

ppl who buy off him?? probs wld have to kno him some way hes too scared to sell to Random randoms KJSHDGKLHSDLG

other film majors :-)

some friends………. hes awkward bt he means well…………

a mans he wld Risk It All fr (aka a guy tht gunner actually has a crush on n is Extra Awkward probs a lil mean to bc hes still New to That)

ppl he has a crush on/unrequited crushes either way wtvr floats ur boat

some enemies tbh much like elias he has a temper n he tends to blow up rarely bt it happens n when it does it actually can b quite scary JKSHDGLHSDG

a muse….. mayhaps?? someone he always wants in his film projects

awkward past hook ups maybe some current ones teehee

anything Ur Heart Desires