#im not gonna sleep but its gonna be so much better for my psyche

[stupidlyunhinged]

just cuz one of my hobbies is shakin ass in the dark in my pjs doesnt mean im gonna stop reading fanfics during those same ‘normal people sleeping hours’ okay i can multitask

[puppyknucklezzz]

ngl, just using tumbl more has actually been doing me some good, i wa crashing out and completely stopped doing the little things that make me happy, like yapping with fellow fans of shit, listening to music, bird watching and tree hugging and shiz. like ... man ... I was losing myself frfr, lemme get back in these discords and aminos and shit. watch some adventure time and bluey and dead end paranormal park and stuff. t h a t s the self care i been missing frfr.

[dragon-fuccer]

Hi!!! If u're reading this u're probably the author of this absolutely amazing fic ✨

And if u're not, go read it;!! It's so good u won't regret it<33

First some fanart jumpscare !!! (I hope u're ok w it bc I haven't asked for permission 😭)

It's just how I imagine Jack to look with a few smaller headcannons based on the fic, and there will be more fic related doodles soon, so prepare for that >;D (ofc as long as u're ok with it!!)

Second, the thing I lured ya here with, aka mine n my bfs ocs, art and description for ya to use in the fic if u want to ^^

TYSM for this offer, both me and my bf feel hella honored and it actually gave us a ton of motivation to actually expand on these two!

Tws : body horror, brief description of violence n death, mentioned suicide and brief description of murder

Smokey belongs to my bf and Something is mine !

Normal text is all written by me and green text was written by him ^^

Art and design by my dearly beloved:

Smokey

Real name : Victor Wilson

Age : around 26 yo

possible victor lore

used to be victor by marble hornets standards known as smokey

a dropout uni student with raging nicotine addiction (smokey did not retain any uni info but vic used to be psych student (projecting much lol))

prolly watched marble hornets with friends for fun and against better judgement decided to give a visit to rosswood park thinking its a film project in the beginning

turns out its not and they spotted the lanky guy

smokey the horror movie enthusiast wants out at that point before shize goes down but its late and they r deep in the forest so comes to conclusion they r all p much dead at this point

peeps want to go hunt for the lanky man cus cool and internet views

my guy is like f that yall r following basic horror lore of everyone dies im not playin like that and straight up says hes not going and hed rather go and sleep in the burned down psych ward

he gets called a wimp but decides if hes gonna die hes not dying an idiot and decides to vidtape everything on his mid tier phone camera

not sure what happens to the rest but they do their meet cute w slendy and prolly with time like half of em ends up in the arko e way or another

smokey manages most of the night fine but like luck would have it still end up meeting the guy

does not go well

wakes up in the burned down hospital not remembering the last unknown time and broken phone beyond repair

decides oho this is bad lets go back to uni and never talk abt it

meets with most friends back at uni but like 2 of em r missing and they just pretend nothing happened, friend group dissolves

after that he starts slowly having memory gaps, waking up in other places

all comes to head when it turns out he missed 5 months of uni after he wakes up back in rosswood really far from home and skinnier than ever and suddenly no more uni student

after that victor surfaces less and less till hes just kinda gone at that point

Smokey first shows up the night victor goes with friends to rosewood

in the beginning surfaces confused unsure who they are and what is their purpose

with time smokey goes through both phone and computer of vics

binges whole marble hornets in one sitting and decides he has a personal vendetta against the operator

since then they work on somehow stoping it (and terribly fails given the lack of information) leading to continuous trips back to rosewood and sleepovers in the rubble of the ex psych ward

figuring out the nicotine addiction takes a bit of time and leads to pretty nasty withdrawal symptoms as well as a very wrecked dorm room (he does find the cigarettes tho and is smart enough to connect the dots (smart cookie, here have a star sticker))

smokey learns asl and isolates themself a lot in the months of operator research

he still maintains two personas to some extends which is one the masked smokey who uses mostly asl and rarely speaks (to some extent also a tactic against being caught by police) and times when he goes without mask on library searches and grocery shoppings

smokey starts a yt channel dedicated to catching the operator and ending it which attracts at best some people commenting on obvious marble hornets ripoff and few cents into his wallet

with passing time they do start finding victims in order to keep themselves alive n appease the the big slinky leading to series of alleged suicides then turned to series of murders

he starts off with two of his ex friends who go back to rosewood and start showing symptoms he learned from mh

When they commit murder they hide in the trunk of the car and basically hotbox the whole thing due to smoking making the victim whoozy and confused, moving on they connect a pipe (like garden hose or whatevs) to the exhaustion pipe and suffocate their victims with the car smoke

the thing that tips off the police is the nicotine in the system of every victim and an account of almost to be one that got stalked by smokey who upon being discovered (also while smoking and which earned him the name) decided to bolt

since then he continues on just about the same, aka researching the operator, finding new victims and surviving untill they meet Something

His hoodie is dark green, the mask is greyish from the grime n dirt, the big cross on it is black so are his pants and hair

Something

Real name : Rae Dyer

Age : 23 before transformation, currently unknown

Something used to be a cryptid fan. They worked at a radio station and had a small night show where they played old rock and often rambled about the latest creature they heard about. While out, looking for a new creature to maybe see, they stumbled upon the Slenderman and became obsessed to document it somehow, quickly spiraling out of control and slowly, bit by bit became a creature themselves.

Something doesn't remember much from it's past life. It used to just wander, guided by the static in it's head towards it's victims, always terrified itself but not knowing why. After Smokey found it, they started wandering together. At first they had serious communication issues - Something only able to speak in tap code and Smokey mainly using ASL - but with time they learned to speak with each other, and now they can understand the other almost without words.

Something doesn't really eat, it survives on fear and between itself and Smokey, it always has more than enough of it. It does steal food for Smokey tho, cigarettes as well, usually leaving them in whatever ruined building he decided to stay in for the night. Something got also addicted to nicotine by just being around Smokey so much, leading to separation anxiety fueled by withdrawal when they're apart.

Something cannot speak, and can only communicate using tap code. When it's particularly worried or scared it does emit a small noise, that sounds like a particularly breathy whine, and more commonly when it tries to speak, quiet spider like ticking can be heard coming from it's mouths.

It usually walks hunched over, used to having to duck under branches, entryways, etc bc of it's height.

Something has pale skin reminiscent of porcelain, and is usually wearing a v neck sweater with a white undershirt and jeans or other pants. It's hair is very thin and scarce, floating around it's head down to it's lower back

Also a tiny doodle bonus of how I imagine these two showing up on Jacks doorstep xjbxbcbcb

We think the most probable case of them showing up would be Smokey getting bonked on a mission (probably by a car or a would be victim) and Something bringing them over to Jacks cabin to get pached up, tho feel free to do something else ya might think fits =w=

Again, thank you so much for the offer, we're both so honored to have the opportunity to show these two off and maybe if you're so inclined getting them a chapter in ur amazing fic<3

If u have any questions you need answered Abt the two don't hesitate to ask them as well! ^^

-Kai n Bean

[rin-and-jade]

Okay, so we've tried several times to write an ask, and each time we just..stop ?? So this time instead of explaining in detail n shit and saying how much we're sorry if this isn't appropriate to ask, I'm just gonna write :/

So, we're kind of stuck, in the sense that idk if I'm/we're(both pronouns feel wrong lol) a system anymore and,wdk what to do about it.

Because basically 5-6 years ago, when we were around 10(i think, but at this point i only know the story through the "telephone" of our retellings) our brain tried to just.. get rid of most of the DID. I'm not even ducking kidding, i think it tried to lower barriers and smush most of us together, to the best of it's ability. From what I've gathered, it planned on shoving all our trauma deep down in the innerworlds, and hiding them from the main kid. Like, getting rid of thousands of fragments, banking them in little crevices of our brain etc.

That procedure was supposed to make it so the main kid could have more of their life for them- without access or even knowledge of the sheer size of the abyss and pain in background, and thus being less affected by it till they were old enough to deal with it. Idk how to explain really, especially since i myself barely understand.

In any case, it went wrong. I don't know why much, as our memory has increasingly deteriorated since to the point i have nearly no knowledge left. I'm not sure even all that ever happened, because maybe I'm just inventing stuff and creating a story were there is none, and I'm scared that what i know isn't real and just my imagination or smth

And what's left is..me i guess. I kinda feel like a fragment in the sense that i have limited consciousness and just..person-space(if that makes sense ?) I'm not sure if I'm several people, one person, an eldritch entity of kinda seperate kinda not glued together entities.

Idek what i want to be. I want to be a full person, that's for sure, but other than that ? Idk. I'm lost, I'm a mix of tons of different opinions and vague, weak, feelings, and flashes of blurry memories and desires that don't belong to me.

So.. i know you probably can't help, but do you have.. any idea on what I could do ? Or if others have been in similar situations and if it got better ?

This is a very long ask x knows, and it's desperate, and you aren't our/my psychs so I shouldn't just dump this and hope you have answers, and I'm so sorry if this isn't appropriate to ask, but yeah.

I'm sorry.

Dissociative disorders do the job, but not perfectly, what you're explaining from the words of "nearly no knowledge left" sounds like retrograde amnesia, where it is near to impossible to remember anything from the past.

I also get a bit on what you mean with not knowing who you are,, that is usually close to a blurry moment? Because everything feels jumbled, its not clear, it is hard to discern wether there's multiple or not, etc. That could sound like it;

Have you been exposed to stress? Especially long term? Has anything awful been happening? Many factors can affect memory and recognizing who you are that can stem from basic needs that are neglected like sleep or rest if you're working for long periods, or deficiencies on vitamins/minerals/nutrition because they also play a part on fending off brain fog which can cause many issues like memory recall or trouble focusing,, or it can be to even deeper issues like stress as i said before, or if it is related to trauma, or any sustained physical injuries but it could be anything really.

Im guessing this is something that didn't happen in such a short time, but i do can give you some stuffs to do for starters:

Write down everything you can notice those feelings, those lingering sense of identity, or vibes, or thoughts, they are truly jumbled and it helps you organize and recognize your situation better if you have a physical record of what you're experiencing

Find the cause of problem If you can, try digging up anything you can find that could be the culprit, maybe before things get too foggy to remember that could serve as clues, and by checking with your current health (physically and mentally and emotionally) and see what could be fixed.

For sense of fulfillment It is overwhelming to know which or where you have to start from if you want to learn more of yourself, while you can do number 1 to jot down things you don't align with, this also gives you some ideas on what could be yours. Start somewhere small, like, how you like your daily morning, or preference in eating food, or the colors you think it looks cool.

It would also be great if you can leave out the tiniest bit of context next time, so my answers for now are rather vague and less pinpointed/specific. Though atleast still can suffice as a starting point to tackle your issues.

You can contact me anytime via ask box or DMs, let's see how things go for you okay?

- j

[thehangerson]

OKAY here is my explanation for spamreblogging from you and also @/flashsidewayss (who i couln't find asks for or i would not send a weird joint ask) i read all of both of your psych fic bc that show makes me feel insane and it is like. no one else is doing it like you. also ive been listening to the playlist for ceceverse and like. we need the annotated version. anyway im approaching character limit and also realizing this is deranged and unintelligable but the gist is. i appreciate your contri

HELLO. many months later here is the annotated ceceverse playlist!!!

im gonna put a text break bc this will be LONG. sorry. purple text is stuff @flashsidewayss had to say. this will justbe some misc. notes and thoughts on the songs and some will have lyrics that i associate etc. hope u enjoy

Cecilia - Simon & Garfunkel

DUHHH!!! it’s THE ceceverse song. shawn named her after this song

The Room Is Filled With People That Love You - Foresight

this is one of my favs. fantastic song first of all but also SO ceceverse. like. life’s a precious thing!

Seven - Sleeping At Last

seven by sal you mean the most shawn song in the world. no lyrics to mention here bc. Well. all of them.

the enneagram songs are @thatchedrooftavern’s domain and he agrees that this is a major shawn song

"let me tell you another secret of the trade: it feels like sinking when i'm standing in one place" and the farewell and welcome home parade bit

Growing Pains - COIN

again. deeply a shawn song. 

This song is a little applicable to shawn just in general and also shawn and gus’ relationship which is one of the like. Pillars of this au.

Six - Sleeping At Last

another @thatchedrooftavern song, more of a gus song

"when everything feels heavy, I've learned to travel light" its the struggle of being around for those you love while also meeting your needs for activity and adventure

Vines - Hippo Campus

Big fan of this album! Some lyrics to mention would be “Failed by design, slow your pace down to mine / Watch my back, heave a sigh / Keep it safe, make it right”

10 Steps - Christian Leave

I can’t really find the words for my thoughts on this song, but the chorus is sort of just about how people can change so much during such time, and what you want with your life could be completely different from what it started as

I Can’t Handle Change - Roar

sorry about this one! self-explainable i think

Seventeen Going Under - Sam Fender

shawn spencer… yeah

with that relationship with his father? please. no notes

Sparks - Coldplay

this song is supposedly about romantic love but its very applicable to a parent-child relationship i feel

“But I promise you this / I'll always look out for you / Yeah, that's what I'll do” etc etc

Nine Lives - Odie Leigh

“Cats have nine lives, I have two / I live one for me, and one for you”

the annotation on genius.com for this first verse is this, “At minimum, I live for both of us but, preferably, I will fade into what I can be for you, an extension of you. I am the pencil you hold, the car you drive, the phone you stare at. It’s intoxicating to exist within other people. It’s hardly “sacrificing” myself to this person, but being able to hide within them.”

Together - The Raconteurs

for me this is The shawngus ceceverse song.

another album i love. @flashsidewayss once had to loan me $9 so i could buy the cd. no specific lyrics to mention.

The Book of Love - The Magnetic Fields

AUGHHHHHHHHHHHH

^get help. in all seriousness yeah. ceceverse ass song. in the literal sense im pretty sure we’ve mentioned in a few published fics about how cece is a big reader, and they do lots of reading together despite shawn not being one.

Rain - Bishop Allen

if its ever gonna get any better its gotta get worse for a day!

Coming of Age - Foster The People

lots of lyrics to mention here…. “You know I try to live without regrets/I'm always moving forward and not looking back/But I tend to leave a trail of dead while I'm moving ahead”

“I seem to hurt the people that care the most” etc etc “And even when I'm wrong, I tend to think I'm right”

Clay Pigeons - Michael Cera

deeply ceceverse vibes

have an attachment to this song spanning back to an older fic named after it… the third verse in specific

“I'm tired of runnin' 'round lookin' for answers to questions that I already know/I could build me a castle of memories just to have somewhere to go/Count the days and the nights that it takes to get back in the saddle again…”

Way It Goes - Hippo Campus

and so we return to this album… there's a lot we can’t control but lord knows we’re trying huh

A World Alone - Lorde

this song is quite a ceceverse song and also quite a shawngus song in general. something something finding peace in someone who understands you fully and loves you

You Make Loving Fun - Fleetwood Mac

an og ceceverse song! i listened to this song a lot right when i was first dreaming up this au. this song is super cece and shawn and also a little shules tbh i think its on my shules playlist also

The Gold - Manchester Orchestra, Phoebe Bridgers

second verse here… shawn ceceverse to me

Landslide - Fleetwood Mac

yeah. “Can the child within my heart rise above?/Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?/Can I handle the seasons of my life?”

i also listened to this song a lot while writing this fic

Ahora Te Puedes Marchar - Luis Miguel

this one is just fun idk. a fun interlude

A Complete List of Fears Ages 5-28 (aprox) - The Yellow Dress

this song has always to me felt very much like a song you’d sing to a child to make them laugh. The chorus is so silly but closing it with “Oh, but mainly losing you/These days, mainly losing you” is. well. yeah

the repeated assurances that things will always be okay, even if bad things happen

More Like You - Orla Gartland

this song is far more applicable to things we haven’t posted, and more applies to cece as she gets older. her dad is her best friend, and she wants to be just like him when she grows up

100 Strangers - Circa Waves

this whole song is very shawn ceceverse

Gypsy - Fleetwood Mac

i could write a LOT about this song however. a specific to mention is that the bridge most likely refers to when Stevie Nicks married her late friend’s husband to help him raise his child. their marriage wasn’t long because they weren’t in love exactly but they both loved the child, which was enough at the time

Caught in the Middle - Paramore

the bridge in this one. etc. a shawn song

For Emily, Whenever I May Find Her - Simon & Garfunkel

AUHGHGHGHHGHGHGH

apparently Paul Simon has said that this song isn’t about a real person, but about more of a belief.

Green Light - Lorde

i think a lot about how the color green isn’t representing a negative in this song, but is more representing like a fresh start and something new

All My Little Words - The Magnetic Fields

AUHGUFGHUFDGHKDFGJFDSLJDFSKDLG

this song is here as more of a reference to shawn’s feelings on his own relationship with his father irt his relationship with his daughter. i don’t know how much we’ve written about this in posted fics but he does have a deep at the very least subconscious fear that he will lose his kid the same way his father “lost” him. i have more to say on this if anyone wants to hear it

Last Kiss - Taylor Swift

“So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep” this line specifically we thought about a lot when writing this one for obvious reasons

“And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day/And something reminds you you wish you had stayed/You can plan for a change in the weather and time/But I never planned on you changing your mind”

this song is here in reference to shawn and gus obviously. gus has really conflicted feelings about the years shawn spent away especially in this au, which we dig into a little in that fic and a few others

Never Grow Up - Taylor Swift

self-explanatory i feel

Graceland Too - Phoebe Bridgers

just like. i dont know. really really loving someone that you would do anything for them, no matter what. this song is also a little about loving people who have a hard time loving themselves so read into that if you wish

August (Acoustic) - flipturn

August regular is SO psych. August (acoustic) is SO ceceverse

Pluto - Sleeping At Last

insert pluto joke here. this song is here as a reference to shawn realizing that. it takes a village and the people around him are there to help and he should let them

Clean Slate - The Mountain Goats

move on and move out, yk? a very shawn song i think

The Wolf - The Crane Wives

sent to me by the lovely @thatchedrooftavern

shawngus lowkey. “can it be easy for once?/'Cause I’m no good at being kind to myself/Or anyone”

“I am a falling axe/I am a sharpened knife/I am a poison asp/I am a risk to your life”

Daydreamer - The Crane Wives

this song is a lot about like. societal norms and expectations

“How many times can someone start again?”

I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For - U2

Like why would you say this to me

generally a very shawn song

A Month Or Two - Odie Leigh

idk. give it some time!

long story short - Taylor Swift

probably a little shawngus. also shawn and cece generally. the chorus etc

Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall

the whole song. what a special girl :) 

[xxchthonicreaturexx]

Matchup Trade

Hey hey! This is our Twisted Wonderland & Tokyo Revengers matchup @babulejka

Twisted Wonderland

Malleus Draconia

You thought Id match you with Vil, didn't you? PSYCHE (I was-) BUT I decided on someone much more fitting. A FUTURE KING-

OKAY SO firstly and lastly Malleus is an amazing lover. Maybe a little ignorant on modernization, and sometimes he's not around when it comes to duties but OMG he's gonna treat you like a damn QUEEN (i mean cuz you're gonna be-)

He thinks you look exceptionally good in purple and green and he compares you to Sleeping Beauty a lot with your pretty golden hair and graceful body. Only he's not gonna curse you-

Well...maybe at times he wants to lock you in a tower, but that's just because he gets nervous about his human companions. He feels an intense need to protect them since they die so easily smh-

Would love to see you perform dances, but would also love to just relax and listen to your music. He himself may even ask if he could sing while you play an instrument.

He's a fae. Of course he knows all about herbs and all kinds of creatures. You wanna go explore? He'll take you to some fae lands if you promise to stay by his side. You wanna grow some plants with him? He knows a few secret tricks to make them grow 10x better. And I bet he has this talent where he can just automatically tell you all species of insects and woodland critters you come across. May even get you a chance to pet a deer if you're quiet enough.

Omg please make a doll or puppet with his horns on it. He'd be so awestruck like "Oh- you made a fae doll? For me?" now it's being put up on a shelf and very well maintained for thousands of years. While your match down below is more a physical attraction, Malleus very much is attracted to your soul. Your curiosity and wonder and your light-hearted tone.

Overall hes a 9/10. Very loving, very attentive, but also he's gonna outlive you. Plus he can be a bit melodramatic about things- hes so emo-...

Runnerups- Azul Ashengrotto, Vil Schoenheit

Tokyo Revengers

Taiju Shiba

Hear me out- hear me out hear me out hear me out

Listen I know he's not the best...I like to think of myself as the No.1 Taiju Hater. BUT I could see how you guys would be a cute couple.

Okay okay soooo let's start this.

Taiju is a very religious man. This meaning, I believe he would like feminine women. He'd probably meet you at a show where you were performing ballet or something of the sort and when mingling after the show, you two had began talking. (Dont you dare ask my why he'd be there. To appreciate the dance? Idk maybe Yuzuha secretly does ballet-)

But your sweet and polite personality further deepened his attraction. Despite how cruel of a man he can be, he is fully capable of being polite right back. Especially to someone he personally sees as a perfect woman. As toxic as that is-

Once you get to know each other better, its safe to say he'll raise a brow at some things, but a part of me really wants him to at least become a little less shitty of a person after the whole Christmas fiasco-

Omg so Christmas is a holiday made to celebrate the birth of Jesus HOWEVER Jesus was born near late summer. Christmas was made so Christians could cover up what was originally a Pagan holiday and to help convert Pagans to Christianity. Im not sure if you know that fact if youve researched Pagans (Not assuming your religion just that Pagans are associates with Witches/Wiccans ei. Wicca is a type of Paganism to my knowledge) BUT ANYWAYS if you were to talk about witch culture or somehow dropped or came across that fact and TOLD HIM- omg.

Bro has a cross tattooed on his back, he would be like- questioning everything because no way Christmas is a lie??? (Or maybe he knows and just doesnt give a fuck?) He heavily side eyes any other religion but his own. But, if you wanted to educate him on mythology, witchcraft , astrology, any of those other spiritual beliefs he will at least listen so he can know more. (To hate them better <3)

Okay now that ive rambled-

Old Hollywood type beauty? He's taking you to all kinds of restaurants and clubs. Best believe he's getting you all these dresses too. Elegant and modest ones that are still flattering and sexy. Only the best for his woman of course.

As much as i dont like him he would be a very good lover. Like, can be a little controlling, but he is attentive and devoted. He admires your beauty, your grace, your work ethic...but he also wants to work for you. Hes old fashioned, he believes its his job as a man to provide for you.

All in all? Uh

id say 6.5/10. Hes really tall and strong and independent but also...beat his siblings and things hes a king or something idk- But like IN HIS DEFENSE being the oldest is very hard, especially with no parental figures.

Runnerups- Mitsuya Takashi, Tetta Kisaki

[nicegaai]

I MAXED OUT ON READMORES for my first nor/ice thoughts post so im starting a new one lol

19. nor will never let the brother thing go SPECIFICALLY because it makes iceland uncomfortable. hes amazed that ice didnt think they were related at all,, think is a strong word. it was denial, 0 logic. iceland doesnt really want to kiss him again now tbh ......... not that hes less into him. hes just confused. is this still a good idea? psych, it was always a bad idea, idiot. but he does have the okay to try again............. but he cant !! its too soon!!!!!! uwahh ..!!!

20. next time they see each other (world meeting?) nor has a lot of teasing material and it is unbearableeeeee. he doesnt even have to say anything he just has to look at ice. he is riding the dna test victory high for at least a year. even better though, he has a trump card to really freak him out. all he has to do is kiss him and it would be so so so so funny for real. he waits for a good private moment bc hes not crazy enough to do that with witnesses. people are still talking about their dna test being in the news they'll approach nor or ice with that as a small talk opener at the nation function so much. after the first few times nor is sick of it (but he hates social events anyway). iceland is somewhat better at surface level smalltalk schmoozing but he DOESN'T want to think about that test at all. its so unfortunate for him. they both leave early, theyre like wow everyone's after us ab the test, wanna get out of here? and end up walking back together. theyre in the conference hotel elevator together and its silent and nor leans over and gives him a big ol kiss on the lips. the first time since new years. catches ice way off guard, and they bicker about it, norway thinks it was comedy gold, and iceland is mad. he gets so mad that hes gonna kiss him again but harder. thatll show him. theyre already on the way to empty hotel rooms umm 😳 iceland isnt prepared to go all the way but they kiss and grind like idiots and dont talk a lot. iceland has more riding on this than nor and hes veryy nervous so nor goes at his pace. afterwards. umm. hmmmm. its late but not that late but neither wants to move. or talk about it. they curl up together and sleep

[innocencelives]

talking to myself at 8am at night: updates & a stream of consciousness expression about why im like this and why im determined to keep going

events have certainly occurred since i last wrote one of these, looks like on Nov 20th. weirdly feels longer than that.

i think im making progress? like in general? i mentioned previously how ive stumbled upon the realization that i have many friends, and phenomenal chosen family who i love with all of my heart. i got invited to 3 thanksgivings! who needs a birth family lmao. ofc that doesnt stop the self hate struggle, but im working on it.

i actually see a therapist! and a psychiatrist! first time in a couple years to have both. and they both care! and are smart! and qualified (probably?)! at least the psych i know is qualified. the therapist, more of an LCSW, doesnt seem to be super prepared for my, and i quote, "very complicated case" and "extreme life", but she cares. they both care! might be the first time ever. they both believe me, theyre both shocked at my past especially the disbelief and gaslighting from other professionals.

now for what i think is tangible progress: currently-i havent showered in 6 months, havent brushed my teeth regularly in 8 years, extremely severely struggle with cleaning/doing the dishes/all of that, dont shave enough despite transness, order food constantly bc i cant cook, those are main ones i think. 18 sleep disorders not included bc i cant control those very much, but im gonna get a second opinion bc my doctor rn is dogshit. but! i think ive gotten better at cleaning. i think? i at least do it sometimes, i bought a vacuum? i kinda reset my place a bit, so i think i can try to keep up and not reset. idk man idk anymore.

a few days ago i started tasting horrible bitterness in my mouth. i sent a message to a dentist to schedule an appointment, it still hasnt happened but im emailing. i bought an electric tooth brush, mouthwash, started flossing and brushing. first time..first time actually since i left family's house back in 2016. but fuck my mouth hurts.

the foggy dissociation is hell. constantly feel detached, feel half awake, half alive. half alive at all times. half asleep, half in my brain, half in the clouds. time doesnt even mean anything! it goes so quickly when stuck in a permanent fugue. the sleep disorders are horrible but, the fatigue and exhaustion and brain bad brain so bad!!! my brain doesnt work, my mind doesnt work, it goes 411 error tv static all day. i hate it i hate it im never awake im never aware im never present im never in my body.

--------

to understand myself: i was never taught how to clean, cook, shave, floss, ride a bike, make an appointment, do the dishes, im learning everything myself. im teaching myself, im growing im trying so hard to grow and the years just keep adding up. to understand myself: i developed my intense dissociation as a need to escape my reality. my childhood would have indeed killed me if i couldnt leave and lock myself in my brain. i developed an elaborate fantasy world and i mastered the ability to turn off my conciousness while appearing awake. i trained it like a skill, i dont need weed or exhaustion or alcohol or whatever i press a button and go blank. but the button is stuck on ON! i cant turn it off.

but im empathetic. im empathetic to this child. to myself. to this spacey, foggy, child. who was shamed for not cleaning so they developed the ability to hate themselves for it without developing the ability to clean. extreme experiences.. more and more my childhood looks abnormal. i want to be understood, i want to be diagnosed, i want to continue to exorcise this burden of past and i want to relish in the love and joy and approval and compassion and validation and belief and empathy i deserved all along. i will learn how to feel love from others, i will learn to feel their words. i just. i hope its possible i swear i really dont think it is sometimes. to remember, to understand, to believe myself, to fucking clean and shower and brush my teeth and be present. i dont know!!!! i dont know if its possible. it feels permanent. it feels so permanent because its all ive ever known!

i give myself permission to heal and grow, and i give myself permission to feel tremendous empathy and pride in my little accomplishments because i am defying a life that set me up for more pain and failure. i was abused in every way, i was denied personhood and dignity and love and a childhood, i was denied human rights, i was stripped of progress and growth.

i am an alien! i am learning how to be a person. how to do all of these things. and i will of course keep trying but even more important than trying is loving myself and my inner child with every fiber of my being.

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent personal medical long post

Im so fucking sick of being in such bad back pain, nothing is going right for me

I was ready to go to the store for groceries bright and early, but I have to wait for a medication delivery which usually comes between 10-12. This means I have to be sitting downstairs the entire time, since I physically cannot reach the door fast enough if im in my upstairs room. (Even when I'm not injured, its been a problem!)

My mom, grandpa, and I all need the store. But I can't go, even if we take two trips (mom takes grandpa, comes back and takes me), because in the past when we had to do this, granpda decided to go hang out in the garage and not notice the delivery. So i HAVE to be home and ready until it arrives.

Its fucking bullshit that the online pharmacy REQUIRES signature for delivery (they didnt for my first couple shipments, ive been on this med for a while now). Its an ability issue because the delivery people dont wait around more than like 30 seconds. Its a convenience issue because then I have to block out my whole day just in case they come late. (I took a chance and made a phone appointment for 240pm).

So i wait all fucking day. 240 rolls around (my mom downstairs said shed listen for the delivery) and id been waiting in the only place i Know gets cell reception in my room and i dont get the call. 15 minutes later, I get a voicemail notif. Fucking great. I never got the call because i live in a fucking deadzone. I have to get up and lean over my counter and plants to get mildly better reception by the window (i am injured and this was extremely painful for my back). Appointment finished thankfully, but i didnt tell the psych how bad i am rn, because i did not have the energy to stand at the window longer than needed to get refills.

Still no delivery. My mom takes grandpa to the store. My back is all aggravated from sitting on the hard/no back support chairs downstairs all day (i cant go to the couch because its too hard to get up from while im hurting/its hard even when im not hurting because its got the footstool added onto it so its like as long as a bed)

So i sit downstairs more while crying because the pain is getting worse, but no one else was home so i had to. They return and my mom is like 'okay lemme take you now' uh, no!! Grandpa isnt gonna sit around for it. And also. Im hurting way too much, i physically cannot go to a grocery store at this point after sitting with no back support all day and twisting over my plants for the phone.

Mom says shell listen for the door again bc i cannot sit downstairs any more. I get maybe 5 minutes and my back starts to relax a little and my mom comes and goes 'i gotta go get gas so i cant listen for the door'

FUCK, MAN. WHY DIDNT YOU DO IT WHILE YOU GOT GROCERIES?! To top it off, she pushed in the chair i was sitting in (its extremely painful to twist! So pulling it out to sit is super hard for me!) I sit there and its unfuckingbearable i see a ups truck drive around our private street and leave, so theyre probably not coming today, and im in excruciating pain so i go back to my room crying and shaking lmao

My mom gets annoyed with me for complaining about the chair (AGAIN!) And rolls her eyes when i say she shouldve got gas before, like

Fuck off man i am in such bad pain i should be in the fucking er right now

If id known id be downstairs all day i wouldve taken a pain killer but its too fucking late in the day for me to take one now because i gotta take 2 different sleeping meds to get any sleep at all and i dont want them to interact

I fucking hate everything about this man

Oh, and i was gonna contact verizon support about being in a deadzone but it was like "lets fix dropped calls. We recommend: Call us now!" DID YOU NOT SEE THE PART ABOUT DROPPED CALLS. The only other option was to instant message and i dont have the spoons for that right now, i just wanted to send like an email ticket or something

Im supposed to be in a 5g area but its literally a deadzone in my whole house and property, no bars of reception at all, and this isnt a mountainous part of town! Ughhhh

I hate not having the ability to do all of this normally, having an injury is making everything Nightmare Mode difficulty. Having tmj treatment (teeth aligners and mouth guard) is making eating a Nightmare Mode task. Even chewing soft ramen was excruciating. I cant physically cook because of my back and im out of easy food (see: planned grocery trip for today which never happened) so its like. Okay. Guess im not having dinner. Especially not after how badly my back got aggravated today.

And guess what. Im gonna have to do it all again tomorrow now since the delivery isnt gonna happen today. Ill take a painkiller tomorrow, but the uncomfortable chairs is a fact of life i will not be able to escape, since i HAVE to be able to reach the door in like 30 seconds.

All of this couldve been prevented if theyd just let me get a no signature delivery. Its a private street no one comes all the way up to our house, like the only mail theft we had was at the mailboxes on the main street (before we got a locked one).

I COULD call the pharmacy next time to ask, but then were back to the issue of trying to make a phonecall from this house! I had issues last month where i couldnt log in to order my rx because they wanted 2fa and because i live in a dead zone i couldnt get the confirmation texts or calls! It SUCKS. (And i cant do wifi calling because our internet is shit and has like a 5 second lag)

Life has been so fucking miserable for me for like the past 2 months and the last 2 weeks have been even worse because of my back going out and its not getting better.

I cant get into physical therapy because the local place isnt accepting new patients! So like. Thats great. Dunno what i can do about that since i cant go out of town.

Im seeing the chiro but i couldnt get in today because i had the rx delivery and phone appointment lmao (also i was really hurting after the last visit)

Guess im just supposed to suffer lmao

This shit is fucking ridiculous and im so sick of it

The sad thing is that it could be worse. Its been a few months since my last endo flare up and i havent been able to stop worrying about that looming spectre either

That really would be the fucking cherry on top lmao

But the back injury situation is sadder because its something that CAN be treated, its just that treatment is unattainable for me due to living in a small rural town and not having a car. I dunno if i even could drive in this much pain tbh its hard enough being a passenger

So thats my vent. Things really fucking suck for me rn. I just want today to be over. Im in too much pain.

[paramoursoul]

You know what Soul said to me today?

I asked why he doesn't live stream games to me anymore

"Yeah I'm trying to focus on bettering myself"

UGHHHH ME TOO!!! BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I've been really hard on myself but this is the most I've actually saved and I started doing stuff too! Soul.. You're so fun and inspirational.

I still have lots to tell but since I'm in bed I'm gonna recount my most favorite moment.

He invited me to his home and it was so relaxing!! I mean I wasn't scared or any negative emotion! A little little nervous but that's because he's so damn wonderful, I wanna be wonderful too! I thought,

"if I was wonderful too I would be ready for him"

BUT IM NOT so I felt bad. Anywhos it.

My mind was twirling so unfortunately I didn't put on psyche BUT I DID BUT ON What we do in the shadows, I couldn't stop laughing even thought I saw the whole episode probably twice before. He chuckled and had a few oh wows. At first I was a bit put off because he didn't laugh with me but then I remembered my humor is very different from average people and he's a very relaxed person. But when he does talk a lot its a lot. I love love love it.

Honestly during sex I was upset with myself and refused my body to ease up because I stop preparing for this. I really did prepare for nothing but look! He came through. When I opened up to him I tired to get on top but the dam bad was so soft I didn't have much control.. But his moan (´,,•﹃ •,,｀)

It was louder, I heard all if his pleasures. I was so fucking happy UGH

Then

Then. He whispered

" I love it when you cum, when your legs shake and you scream"

BOY I HAD THE BEST ORGASMING EVER

sigh..

After he cleaned me up he kept checking on my and tucking me in so tight even though we were cuddling then he repeatedly, I mean repeatedly wished me goodnight and to sleep well in T H E most loving voice I have ever heard.

I deadass just stared at him like this

my fat ass, ready to open my heart to him, ooooo I can't. I can't. Hold up...Wednesday needs to come now, in five minutes. Now.

He tucked me in.

Cuddle me.

Told me good night and sleep very well repeatedly.

This is fucking real. Its real.

[maschotch]

I know you've gone into detail about a few already, but what would you say are your top 10 hotch headcanons? You don't need to explain them if you don't want to, I just wonder what the list would look like.

ok it was surprisingly hard to think of headcanons?? lmao i think its just hard for me to think of them on the spot? idk i think i just do more character deep dives than actual headcanons. like i’m sure if you asked me about anything in particular i’d be able to give you my opinion/headcanon but thinking of stuff off the cuff is uhhh hard. also im just stupid aaskjdfhgl

he has a hard time sleeping in front of other people and he's a light sleeper, which can make sharing a hotel room difficult sometimes. he's also an early riser, which can sometimes be a little creepy for whoever's bunked up with him for the night: he's still awake when they go to sleep but he's also already showered, dressed, and left them breakfast on the nightstand. it's hard to tell if he's slept at all

he’s an excellent gift giver but he also hates attention so it’ll usually be anonymous. at some point tho they all realize when it’s something from him. he's uncomfortable receiving gifts (more ab hating attention and not feeling like he deserves anything), so the team will just leave things on his desk with a note or something, usually including "no take-backs."

he hates getting his picture taken, but he loves having photos of people he cares about. something something doesnt care about himself something something in his wallet he has a picture of jack, of haley and jack, of jessica and jack, and a lot with the team: one with emily including rossi, one including gideon and elle, one of just penelope and jj, one of just derek and spencer, and one old picture (the only one he has of himself) of him standing between gideon and rossi when he first joined the bau.

he’s good at cooking, but only when he’s following a recipe (which is why he’s also good at baking). so between gideon and rossi he knows how to cook a lot of italian food. but he’s a quick learner and will pick up skills just by watching. he’s very attentive when someone is preparing a meal for him.

he likes most foods and isn’t very picky, but he loses his appetite easily and can handle plainer food better when he’s focused on/upset about something.

he has. a fucking insanely high pain tolerance. like the pain registers and he can definitely feel it, but he doesn’t ever show it. morgan was some combination of awed/horrified when he saw hotch get stitched up for something minor for the first time and the man didn’t so much as wince.

trans hotch!! idek what else to say on this. i just think he’s neat? i don’t think a lot of people on the team know just bc he doesn’t really talk about it a lot. he’s p open about it with garcia tho

autistic hotch is also something that can be so personal. ik @eldrai has written out some amazing hcs in further detail that i’m obsessed with. he’s just got very specific things that makes him feel safe; a few things that have to be a certain way for him to feel comfortable/normal like his clothing; he has a hard time expressing what he’s feeling which is something he’s gotten better at over the years; he’s actually pretty good at deciphering social cues but only when he’s actively thinking about it; bc of his childhood he’s learned to stim in very small movements like touching his thumbs to his fingers. lots of other stuff too but those are the things that come to mind.

every hc for hotch’s backstory is genuinely gonna be way too fuckin long to put in a bullet list. especially the kind of detail @t4thotchniss and i have put into it. goin over the basics: super violent father, mom’s psyche has taken a severe downward spiral after the years of abuse, hotch snaps and beats his father to death, a couple days later his mom burns the house down while he’s out getting groceries. we also like to throw an older sister in there for funsies to a) get baby sean out of the house before their father gets a chance to go after him at this point the sheer brutality of the abuse has gotten so severe that there’s no way a baby would survive the conditions in the house and b) to help hotch’s transition get started pretty early

[h2bakugou]

i think i may pause on requests right now, ive been wanting to write some original pieces, and don’t worry its not the end of answering requests, my box is closed currently but i do have a few requests that i plan on answering in the future.

ive been kind of off an on brainstorming, thinking of fanfictions id like to read etc, and i think i’m gonna start putting some time into bringing those ideas to life! i have a few ideas, one stimming from a cosplay tiktok- (it was sero, bakugou, kaminari, and kirishima dancing,let me live my poly frouple life) another idea FROM A LITERAL POST ABOUT TOMURA DJDKFKE

like i have so many ideas but just havent had the energy to even type anything, like this tomura idea i have, bro big brain moves (do we still say that?) like bros imagine tomura like powered up psyched as hell like literally a deadly force and he’s literally intimidated/flustered by this vigilante who keeps flirting with him. DJKSOSKF

i also plan on writing some more male reader content! i’ve been struggling to find myself and found out that i was transgender and reading some of my work is great but i realize i want to include as many people as i can so i’d like to start writing broader pieces or pieces that are mainly intended for male readers!

my mind has been funky but im getting through it, just had a big spell of writers block plus the lack of energy didn’t really mix well but i’m trying to get back on my feet and it truly does mean the world to me that you have all been so supportive. it really does mean so much and i wish i could explain it better in words but thank you greatly for the love and keeping up with me, it means so much <3

please take care of yourselves, i’m gonna try and post tomorrow, i love you all sm, get some sleep and drink some water, eat a lil something and take a moment to breathe :) i love you !!

[avengersapology-vid]

Avengers: College Edition

Steve: Criminal Justice and Studio Art double major. He doesn't want to torture himself with anything difficult and still wants to study what he loves. He is still an over achiever though. Highkey hates frat parties, saw someone twerking upside down and almost cried but stayed because hes the designated driver (responsible KING). prefers small get togethers with his friends. Roommates with sam and bucky!! Joins Criminal Justice club, jokingly rivals with Engineering (Tonys Club) Everyone on campus loves him including the professors, wins Homecoming king and is very happy. Sam jokingly asks to be his queen, Bucky butts in and says "NO, im his queen". Can be found in the library or art studio, usually with ink or pencil markings on his hands.

Tony: Obvi an engineering KING has physics as a minor. procrastinates to the max "No Bruce I have everything under control" *crams for 46 hours straight on a constant IV drip of Redbull and coffee* Super smart and helps draw the blueprint for the new engineering building. Roomies with Bruce! Tony was in a frat for a bit his freshmen year but hated it and wanted real friends (Throws better parties anyway) met Bruce and all the other avengers during a 1301 intro class. Pulls women like no tomorrow. On the presidents list every semester and tutors math for free on the side. He is basically the Dad in STEM. Tries hitting on Natasha but she is just like :/ nah, when her and bruce start dating tony is surprised because bruce is his "quiet little cinnamon roll." Tony constantly teases bruce and is like "yall fuckin (;" Steve butts in "tONY PLZ I JUST WANT TO WATCH THIS MOVIE" Bruce is thankful for steves intervention. You know how he rivals Steves Criminal Justice club? He butts heads with Business Clubs leader (Pepper) until everyone catches them together at a party. Has a caffeine addiction. Works out with Thor and Bucky one day in the rec and almost dies.

Bruce: Physics and Engineering double major (Hardworking KING) In math club with Vision and Wanda. He loves being roomies with Tony because it helps him out of his shell. Likes to draw with Steve sometimes and enjoys the quiet. Doesn't procrastinate and gets things done in a timely manor. 4.0 icon we all strive to be. Him and Nat already know each other, but bond and get a lot closer while studying in the library and they eventually start dating. He takes her coffee when she works across campus and is always almost late to class because of that (He doesn't care though bc thats his BABY) "Um.. Bruce your class is in 5 minutes" "Okay and?.....Wait I have an ex-" *Sprints to his building* Takes boxing at night with Thor, Bucky, Sam and Steve!!! Loves sparring with Thor and can surprisingly take the big buy on pretty well. Gets his butt kicked by Natasha in a MMA class though.

Natasha: Majors in Criminal Justice and Minors in Psychology. Ballet club AND MOCK TRIAL!! Has a Job at the Criminal Justice Deans office and takes MMA classes on the side. She is on Mock Trial with Loki and they actually get along quiet well once they stop butting heads about the case. Introduces Sam and Wanda to dance and they have so much fun. Coffee dates with Bruce!! Her and Steve become RAs in the following years and are the coolest RAs you know. Prefers night classes, Bruce walks her to all of them. Psychology classes are her favorite and really wants to help children one day. Volunteers at a daycare during breaks. Sis can really out drink Tony and Thor. Puts Wanda under her wing and helps her with fafsa and what not. Her and Bucky get the Russian language credit by simply testing out. Has her sh!t together and while she has a lot on her plate she can take it. She is really the Mom of the group. Can be found dancing or with Bruce. Her and Clint are icons in psychology classes.

Clint: Deaf Studies with education minor! (we stan deaf clint in the comics) In the Archery club and wins nationals for the Uni. Loves to draw with Steve. Helps Bruce ask Natasha out! PRANK ICON! loves to do prank wars with tony, bucky, loki and sam. Was in the same frat with Tony but hated it as well. While he seems to have a more reserved demeanor he is still the life of the party. (Like he knows people at the clubs ya know?) Can get in anywhere and helps everyone rent out a club for the night in celebration of midterms being over. Loves reading in the library and loves morning classes and being productive early in the day. Cracks Tonys netflix and hulu passwords (no tony... tonyr0cks69 is not good enough) Wants to teach at a school for the Deaf. Bruce sets him up with a girl from engineering and that is his future wife.

Thor: Physical Education major and Communications minor! Here on a football scholarship and is in a frat (not the asshole one tony was in) and is a partying ICON. Tries to get Loki to party but Loki just wants to drink wine with the cat he snuck into his dorm. Learns Sign from Clint to prepare for his career in education. Loves working out with Bucky, Sam and Steve. Takes up boxing during football off season and spars with Bruce. Despite being everyones fav himbo he gets really good grades and is a very good writer. Loki dorms across the hall from him. Thor actually rooms with Peter. Peter is the freshman baby and Thor takes peter under his wing and introduces him to everyone and helps him with college stuff in general. Also hooks him up with MJ and brings him to the occasional boxing session. Has a loud booming laughter you can hear in all floors of the library when he sees a funny meme. One time he actually makes a very good point and notices a flaw in one of Tony and Bruces projects leaves everyone stunned. Picks on Loki in big brother fashion. Unironically calls weed the devils lettuce.

Loki: Pre-Law and Criminal Justice. LOVES to argue. (Devils advocate ass) In Mock Trial and Criminal Justice Club. Tony jokingly calls him steves sexy secretary in CJ club. Loves Mock Trial and is the president with Nat as his right hand woman. Sneaks a cat he found at the shelter into his dorm and names it muffin. Stays in the Library writing or going over cases. The one time he was taking Natasha a copy of the Mock Trial case packet and caught her and bruce smooching. (He screeched) "Haha funny joke yall heres the case packet BYE." He automatically texts the group chat "i think nAT AND BRUCE HAVE SOME TEA FOR US HMM". Lets Peter and Bruce come over to his dorm because he knows their roommates can get a little too much sometimes. Loki also becomes an avid twitter user and thats how he gains popularity on campus. (He called the uni out for their awful and expensive parking) Was able to convince the Dean with tony and steve to create a new parking lot. Caffeine addict!!! Him and Tony always bump into each other at the coffee shop. Brings baked goods to meet ups with the gang. Loves to play pranks (especially on Tony) Him and Bucky come up with a genius prank on him and even get pepper involved. Best dressed on campus and is in the fashion club. He is the embodiment of dark academia.

Sam: Criminal Justice Major with Aerospace Engineering minor. Gets introduced to Bucky and Steve during move in and they literally become brothers. Is both in Criminal Justice Club and Engineering Club. In the Historically Black Frat on campus and takes huge pride in that. Parties with tony and thor BIG TIME. Procrastinates by throwing paper airplanes at Bucky until Bucky is like "Um...dude your paper is due in like two hours." At that moment Sam got into work faster than he ever had. Loves gossip sessions with Loki and Wanda. Works out a lot with Bucky, Steve and Thor to get rid of stress. When he and Bucky finish a final they go to loki's dorm and ask "Hey can we see your cat." Helps prep food for friends-giving and decorates the dorm for holidays. HATES 8ams so so so much. Steve promises him pancakes if he gets up and goes. Binge watches shows during weekends and screams when Destiel is finally canon. Loves running and gets a Track Scholarship when Thor gets him to join a sport. Gets Peter to join track.

Bucky: criminal justice major and psychology minor. Buck is also in ballet club with Nat, it really helps him relax and gives him a free space to think (also he runs that shit like no ones business) Criminal justice club as well and LOVES to work out and box. One time Sam accompanies him to ballet and Bucky pushes Sam into a split... the scream was heard for miles. "Sam ballet is good for athletes it helps w-" "Yeah but its not good for my balls" Doesn't willingly procrastinate but once in awhile he will forget an assignment, you best believe his eyes will snap open from his nap and get to work asap. For one of his psyche labs he had to question Steve as if he were Steve's therapist to which Steve responds "Hey bro you dont have to hit a nerve that deep" He also likes to do dance with peter since it helps him get away from Thor for a bit. Not a big partier but once the weight of finals are off his chest you best believe he will go all out. Picks on Nat and says hes gonna steal her man, to which tony interjects and says "Not if I do first" Bucky also has a very comfy dorm, comfy lighting and tons of pillows, the man loves his sleep... and so does everyone else. Sometimes he finds peter, sam, THOR, tONY EVERYONE just napping in his bed before their study time. Overall, bucky is a smart boy and his time in college is kind to him.

Wanda: English Major and Education Minor. After being an orphan Wanda knows what it feels like to not have a parental figure there and she wants to change that for other kids by becoming an english teacher. She volunteers at an orphanage, specifically the one her and pietro were in for a brief moment when they came to the states. She loves to draw as well and takes plenty of art classes with steve. She paints a portrait of the entire gang and gives it to tony as a graduation present (he cried). She loves to do volunteer work for children and also spend a lot of time in the library, She helped Nat calm down before Bruce asked her out. Her and Loki are in constant competition for best dressed. "Loki ill let you win best dressed but you have to let me see your cat" "ugh fine... btw your shirt doesnt match your boots" "hEY" Her and Peter take alot of intro classes together and are constantly running around craft stores trying to get the right stuff for projects. Visits Vision at his Job on Campus and he visits her where she volunteers and eventually they start dating. She is constantly getting visited by pietro at 4am asking "Um do you have milk" "Pietro its 4am what do you ne-" "my OREOS"

Pietro: Track star business major, frat ICON with Thor. poor boy is STRESSED he hates college and is here on a track scholarship, constantly late and running around getting shit done. Queen of late assignments but still gets them graded because he is in Track. Yeah he has alot on his plate but he still parties with thor for hours. When he is drowning in assignments Clint is always there to help him, Bruce also helps him with biology and the more science-y classes. Likes to mess around and race sam at track practice. Not into coffee but will run on all the monster energy drinks you could possibly buy. Seriously is tired of 8 a.m courses, he just wants to nap after practice. Walks into the study room that everyone was in and actually looks more sleep deprived than tony. He gets a lot of tips from steve on how to have an easier time in college and it really helps him.

Vision: Grad student working on a civil engineering masters and a TA. Meets Wanda in the library and she asks him where the biographies are. He mistakenly says they are on the 2nd floor "Uh theyre actually on the third" "Then why did you ask?" "Cause I wanted to talk to you :)" He swooned. Through Wanda he met Tony and Bruce and became their best friend, He helped out a lot with engineering club and got them far. He spends a lot of time doing research for his masters degree, he loves relaxing with the group on weekends and picks on pietro as if he is already apart of the family. Him and Loki bond over intellectual conversations from time to time. Bruce and Nat go on double dates with him and Wanda. Went to a bar once with tony and bruce and had to stop tony from singing Queens entire discography, he had the best night that night. Helps everyone with getting into jobs and into grad school in general while everyone helps him let loose and have some fun.

Peter: Peter is a Physics major and eventually works his way up to biochemistry. (hardworking icon) He is the freshman baby of the group and is introduced to them through Thor. He dances with Buck and Nat sometimes as well. Tony obviously takes peter under his wing and helps him with assignments. One time everyone was in the same study room and him and pietro have a redbull shot gunning challenge. When Peter wins Thor picks him up and almost yeets the poor boy into the ceiling. "VERY WELL DONE YOUNG PARKER YOU SHOULD BE DOING THAT WITH BEER IN NO TIME." "Thor plz" Tony and Thor help him ask MJ out and even spy on them during a dinner date. (Imagine thor with sunglasses and a scarf around his head pretending to be tonys date) He feels so accepted in college because of the gang and gets all his work done on time. Goes out of his way to get everyone christmas presents and is so excited for friendsgiving. Becomes a little stressball during finals and midterms and stays in the library till it closes. He spots loki alot in there and helps loki with science classes while loki helps him with political science classes. He meets MJ through wanda and is obviously blushing the whole time while being introduced. Gets embarrassed when the guys flirt with aunt may. "guys plz stop" This is when Sam earns his "milf hunter" nickname. "Pete hows your aunt?" "She doesnt want you sam i-" its not like that... actually it is like that"

Coulson: Alumni Icon. Is the gangs Intro professor and is the reason why everyone meets eachother. (the class was chaotic indeed) Coulson loved that class so much and he still gets visited by everyone from time to time. He is obviously close with Nick. They were there that night when Tony was signing Queen at the bar and couldnt help but laugh.

Nick Fury: Dean for criminal justice and is heavily involved with criminal justice club and mock trial. He is tired of everyones shit as always. Makes a tiktok account for the criminal justice club and has no idea how to manage social media so gets Loki to help. Has to delete it when Loki commented "hah losers" on the engineering tiktoks page. He looks intimidating but in his office he has a picture with the club and has all the gifts he gets on display. (He even framed lokis comment because it was hilarious afterall)

[starcrossbleeding]

Its been so good talking with you and things going so well. I wont lie im so scared this is just the honey moon fase again.

I still cant get past the thought that you fucked someone else. Whats going through my head is as much as i want you physically, more than anyone else ever. I dont want you to touch me, how am i supposed to know u arent thinking of her when we fuck. I dont think you cheated in any way so that kind of trust isnt broken. I duno it just makes me feel sick at the thought that you probly enjoyed sleeping with her more. Shes more attractive and probly made you feel better. I dont think that i wont be able to get past this. Its just right now its really fucking me up. Playing with my head alot. Im gonna talk to my psych about it. She already knows about us talking again, i didnt want to tell you but she is worried because of how mentaly unstable you are and with me needing to focus on myself. But im still putting myself first still and i always will. I still said i wanted to help you with your recovery tho.

Im trying. I really am. All i want to do is run into your arms and just feel safe. But sometimes i want to punch you in the face for fucking someone else. You couldnt keep it in your pants long enough for me to get there. What else wont you wait for?! My anger comes in waves and when im alone. Its at its worse. I want to go off and smash my fists into a wall. But then i think about your mind and where it goes and how bad your bpd is. But fuck i cant stand the thought that you ended it with us a month before i was coming to visit. Then you break it off completely before i was meant to move then YOU say u cant wait so u fuck some other bitch.

Who is legit a better version of me. Eb manager and i bet she listens to the same music as u. Likes scarey movies. Better looking. Has a kid. What more?

So what. Why come back to me?

Anyway. This hurts and i just needed to empty my head and thoughts. Its legit 12:30 in the morning

[the-queer-look]

Couple Theory

Name: Lucy Age: 24 Location: Glebe Occupation: Bush Regenerator Sexual Orientation: Lesbian Gender: Female

Name: Aisling Age: 21 Location: Glebe Occupation: Customer Service Sexual Orientation: Queer Gender: Female

Lucy – I feel like I’m still figuring out how I’m comfortable presenting because I didn’t come out till I was twenty, which was quite a time after I realised I was gay at sixteen. When I moved to Sydney I really wanted to show people that I was queer, and with much of my influence being from the internet, I wore a lot of the stereotypical lesbian clothing I saw on there – mostly sporty sorts of clothing – but as I’ve gone through, whenever I find something that I don’t hate myself in I wear it over and over again until something new comes along. Recently I’ve been vibing with the look of boots, singlet tops, and making my tattoos very visible. I make myself look somewhat unapproachable with my resting face being a frown, and my outfits being if not aggressive, then non-welcoming, but if people do actually come up to me I really want people to like me, so it all falls away.

Aisling – My daily presentation is just the easy T-shirts and jeans, lots of bouldering merch, maybe a button up if I’m being a little fancy, just a classic chapstick lesbian.

Lucy – Where did your inspo for that come from?

Aisling – What? Jeans and a shirt? Does that need inspiration? I guess I tuck my shirt in to make sure its queer? I have a lot of Vans, and a milk crate full of socks I guess. I used to save up money when I was in high school to put towards my first pair of Vans and I was so excited. I think I have twenty pairs now? Lots of converse, runners, and climbing shoes as well. Colourful socks and shoes are my thing I guess.

Lucy – I remember I was sixteen when I realised I liked girls, but I don’t know what triggered it. I think it was something on TV? I think it was an NCIS episode and they had a really awful portrayal of lesbians, who were identified as gay because at the end of the episode they held hands, and that triggered some kind of twinge in my chest that I’d never felt before.

Ailing – That was your gay bone

Lucy – My gay bone?

K – Yeah, your sternum is your gay bone

Ailing – I’ve torn that twice from being too gay

K – you need to remember to stretch before going out and being gay all night.

Lucy – It was a really weird feeling, I didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, so I went and found out about the episode, and it was of course one of those “oh no homosexuals are evil” sorts of plots. I think that negative portrayal contributed to my negative feelings about being gay, and being so scared to come out. I don’t know where else that would have come from because my parents never expressed any opinion about homosexuality. Those feelings were confirmed when I had my first crush on a girl in my school. I was nauseous more than anything when I realised it, and I just ignored that feeling for years which isn’t healthy. What helped me overcome it though, as I’m sure helped a lot of people from small towns with not much queer representation was the internet, and YouTubers, The Legend of Korra, and Tumblr. (The ending of Legend of Korra) was ust so beautiful, and so revolutionary as well. I remember seeing the ship of Korra and Asami come up on my tumblr, but it was years before the end fo the show, when it actually happened. I remember watching it on a family holiday trip and had to leave the dining table and I was shaking and crying because it was such a huge, beautiful moment that was probably one of the most significant moments of accepting myself. Looking back I definitely associate that final image of them holding hands before going to the spirit world together with my final stage of accepting who I am.

Moving to Sydney was my time to finally come out and explore. I came out to one of my Canadian exchange friends who was here, and they took me to Birdcage (lesbian nightclub in Sydney) where I met some of my friends. My first time in a queer club was like being surrounded by a family who I felt like I knew even though I hadn’t met any of them. That was also the year that the marriage equality vote was passed, So I took that opportunity to find out what my parents thought about homosexuality by asking them what they were voting for. They both said they were voting yes, which made me feel comfortable enough to come out to them the next week.

I’m still learning what are the most appropriate ways to describe myself and my relationship with myself, and how to present myself to the world. The more I learn, the more I will change the way I present myself, and there is a lot more of myself to explore.

Aisling – I think I was around thirteen or fourteen when I saw the show “faking it” - a show about a girl in high school figuring out her sexuality – and I just noticed that I was relating to every situation that the character was going through, and suddenly realised I was questioning my sexuality. I mentioned it to one of my friends that I used to walk to school with, and she would just keep egging me on with “come on just say it, just say you’re gay its fine”. I came out to her as bi at one stage, but I didn’t like that term, I didn’t like the term lesbian either, and still don’t, I prefer to think of myself as queer, or just gay.

When I actually came out two or so years later, I remember telling my close friend group that I was bi… and then later that week just said “nah I’m gay actually”. It was about 7:30pm, on a Wednesday night, after basketball, in the shower talking to myself saying “im gonna do this, im gonna do this”. Just me and my dad home, I psyched myself up for ages and then walked in and out of the kitchen about five times before going “Dad, I have something to tell you” sweating bullets “Dad, I’m gay la di da.”

Lucy – La di da?

Aisling – yes, Father, it’s la di da for me I’m afraid

Lucy – please put my sexuality down as la di da

Aisling – The first thing he said to me was “yeah I always thought you had a bigger obsession with the female tennis players than the men.” and yeah damn he had me there. I hate that I remember the day and everything… like the first of September 2016?

I moved out from my mum to my dad’s mostly because my mum’s partner at the time was very homophobic, and any dinner conversation would turn to him deriding gay marriage, or coming out with some racist shit. Eventually I decided “this bothers me too much, I’m going to have to say something” and it was… really upsetting when he didn’t agree. So of course I came out to my dad first and made him tell mum, which was then an interesting conversation…

“Your father tells me you’ve told him you’re gay?”

“yep, that’s it”

She contacted my school supervisor that night and told all of my teachers to look out for any homophobic acts towards me, letting them know that I was gay and to look out for me.

Lucy – I feel like together we tick a lot of stereotypes

Aisling – We really do

Lucy – We moved in together really quickly

Aisling – We own a cat together

Lucy – Theres that Subaru…

Aisling – I also had a lot of influence from those same queer YouTubers, and seeing their coming out videos and how free they felt afterwards made me really want to share it.

Immediately after I came out everyone at school was very supportive, like they already knew and assumed I was gay because I was just that sporty chick, so being gay just sorta went with it?

Lucy – I think I looked for validation from my parents. When I came out to mum there was no huge deal made about it, butI think validation from them comes in small snippets. Every time mum sends me something, like recently she arranged her coloured chopping boards into a rainbow and sent me a picture with “these are for you!” it’s very small, but its very significant. When I had a really big hickey on my neck, my dad said

“oh who gave you that on your neck? Does he sleep in a coffin?”

“it was a she actually”

“oh does she sleep in a coffin then?”

he just wanted to channel it into a dad joke, but it was a weird way to come out to him actually.

Aisling – To me the term Queer means “everyone included” even just an ally of the community, or a parent of an LGBT person doing your best to make them feel safe and welcome, you’re welcome in the community you know? By properly supporting something, you become a part of it.

Lucy – For me it’s very similar with those lines of community and family. It can be a label, but I feel that its evolving more into a term that indicates embracing all people. I use it sometimes to refer to a collective group of… well queer people. I refer to my close friends as my queer family.

Aisling – It feels better to use than assuming someone’s sexuality or gender without knowing the specifics.

Lucy – Individually I wouldn’t refer to any of my friends as queer. I know one friend refers to himself specifically as a bisexual, man, rather than a queer person. So I definitely like its a more family, community term, rather than a specific label, though It can still be used as one.

Aisling – I like the term because when I first came out I identified as bi, then gay, then bi, then gay, than they? And it feels more appropriate to use for myself because I’m still working it out, and it can cover a lot. For example I don’t think of myself as completely feminine, but I also don’t like the term non-binary to refer to myself, but the idea of “They” still, rather than just being she/her, I like the idea of she/they. And referring to myself as queer feels more of an accurate description.

Lucy – Ever since moving to Sydney and coming out and going to that first club night I’ve always thrown myself into as many queer events as I possibly could. I want to be able to contribute more to the community rather than just be involved in it, a lot of my friends are very engaged in the queer community, and I feel like I don’t have that level of involvement. I love that I’m never scared or intimidated to go to queer events, by myself or with my friends. Whilst I feel very connected to the queer community, I wish I could be more involved. I’m scared that since my friend group is all finishing university and looking to the future, that I’ll lose that sense of connection as everyone moves away, even though I’m sure we’ll all stay in touch.

Aisling – I feel little to no involvement in the queer community at the moment because I’m focusing so hard on my training. I’m involved with Queer Climbers Sydney though, and am looking to get more involved in the future, as soon as I have the time to do stuff.

Lucy – Challenges facing the queer community here isn Sydney… I feel like we need to create a wider variety of safer spaces in more areas. There’re certain areas of Sydney where queer people I know just don’t feel as comfortable. And the ones we do have are always pubs and clubs. Not to detract from queer nightlife; but having so much of queer culture based around adult only areas reinforces the idea that being gay, or trans, or whatever is an adult thing, and makes it easier for people to excuse restricting education about it to kids, which can be so harmful growing up and not having the education to understand yourself.

Aisling – I feel like theres more acceptance towards gay, lesbian, and bi people. But there’s less of an acceptance of trans people, like they can understand being gay, but they cant seem to understand what a trans person even is, much less how to approach them. Probably need more education about it in schools. More comprehensive sex ed instead of just how to put a condom on a fucking banana.

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[quinncupine]

Is it bad to ask all numbers for the ask game? (╥﹏╥)

All the numbers you say? Sure, why not! Let's do it!😆

1. What song makes you feel better?

1953 by The National Parks. Its such a cute song and the love in it just makes me smile every time I hear it.

2. What's your feel-good movie?

My favorite feel good movie will always be Ever After. I absolutely love fairy tale movies this one is just amazing and warms my heart!

3. What's your favorite candle scent?

Hmm, I love a lot of scents, but I think my favorite are any that have vanilla in them. I have one right now that's like a vanilla walnut coffee cake and it smells sooo good.

4. What flower would you like to be given?

I love lilies. They are my favorite. I think white lilies are my top favorite right now!

5. Who do you feel most you around?

I would have to say my best friend! I tell her literally everything (probably too much) but i feel so comfortable around her and she is the absolute sweetest gal you'd ever meet!

6. Say three nice things about yourself (3 physical and 3 non-physical)

I think my eyes are pretty, they're hazel!

When I actually do my hair, i think it looks pretty, especially when its curly

During the summer, my freckles really start to show and I love freckles!

Sometimes I can be funny (most of the time its without meaning too😅)

Im a really good listener

Im really good a doling out smiles on the daily

7. What color brings you peace?

I think deep dark colors can bring out a calming peace, like sapphire and viridian

8. Tag someone, or multiple people who make you feel good

Well for one, you Miya! You always bring the sweetest things to me and I love you for that!

@thecindy ya always make me feel so loved!

@dorki-c girl ya crazy and I love crazy! Who else am I gonna conspire with?🤣

@miriobaby ya gorgeous lady, you're one of my biggest supporters and I'm so glad I have you as a friend!

@peachsenpie babe, you're absolutely amazing and whenever I talk with you, I always feel so much better!

@dragonsdreamoffire darling, you are so sweet and I love talking with you!

I know there are so many more, but I can't fit them all here and I'm sorry if I missed you, but know that I love you!

9. What calms you down?

Laying down and listening to music, or watching a show, or writing. Those are the main things I do to calm down.

10. What's something you're excited for?

Im excited for summer, when I can finally go to the beach again! My skin can't take much more of this cold frigid air.

11. What's your ideal date?

Ummm, let's see. I think doing something fun like going on a citywide scavenger hunt (I've done that before and it was super fun!) I would love to go to one of those piers with vendors and games and things and order from a stand then just walk along the pier and watch the water? Maybe go on a ferris wheel? I don't know, I never really thought much about it.

12. How are you?

Currently, I'm sick. I'm actually waiting for the doc to call me back. I'm trying to get some work done, but I just have no energy to really go do anything, especially anything physically rn. Hopefully I get better as the week goes on.

13. What's your comfort food?

A few favorites are: garlic bread, mashed potatoes, and my moms homemade nachos 😋

14. Favorite feel-good show?

I have a couple right now: New Girl, Shitts Creek, Psych, and The Great British Baking Show

16. Compliment someone who sent you this number

Miya, you're an amazing person and I'm so glad we're mutuals because I think the world is a better place with you in it! You're always so sweet and kind and you're not afraid to let other people know it!!🥰

17. Fairy lights or LED lights?

Definitely fairy lights. They make everything feel cozy and warm and just a bit magical.

18. Do you still loved stuffed animals?

Of course, what's not to love. They're soft and squishy and make great cuddle partners. Plus they're super cute so I don't see anything wrong with loving stuffed animals!

19. Most important thing in your life?

My family. They're everything to me. Period.

20. What do you want most in the world right now?

To see my family. I saw them once in the past year and I won't be able to see them again until summer so I'm really missing them.

21. If you could tell your past self one thing, what would it be?

Take more risks. Don't hesitate so much on things because worrying won't do you any favors.

22. What would you say to your future self?

Can you come back and smack my past self for being a dumbass please and thank you.

23. Favorite piece of clothing?

My super soft oversized sweatshirt that says "Stay Whelmed" written on the front 😌

24. What's something you do to de-stress?

Naps. If not naps then watching something funny.

25. What's the best personal gift someone could give you?

If it's homemade, I already love it 10000% if someone loves me enough to take the time to make me something, then I know they're a keeper

26. What movie would you want to live in?

Oh boy, I dont know. I guess I would say Narnia. Now that sounds like a fun magical world to live in.

27. Which character would you want to be?

Like if I could be any character out there? I would say Momo Yaoyorozu. She's got the coolest quirk and I really just love her to pieces. She's so precious.

28. Hugs or hand holding?

Can I say both? If I had to pick one, I would choose hand holding because you can actually move around and do things with that one😊

29. Morning, afternoon, or night?

Morning. I'm a morning person (usually) i have a terrible time staying up late and I like my sleep, so I usually turn in early.

30. What reminds you of home? (Doesn't have to mean house...just the feeling of home)

I think my moms perfume, a slightly messy house, fireplace smells or bonfires at night, dogs lying around (always right in your path for some reason), sipping wine, there's always some sport playing in the background on the TV, marvel marathons, lots of throw pillows, card games, billards, country music. I could go on, but those are what immediately come to mind🥰

Thanks for the ask Miya! 🥰🙃💖 love ya!!