#im not gonna do anything rn and i just needed to vent the emotions a bit

[blitz0hno]

I don't want to get off my phone I don't want to stay on my phone I don't want to pump gas I don't want to do deliveries I don't want to get ready for bed I don't want to write anything of substance I don't want to create I don't want to not create I don't want to be here I don't want to go anywhere I don't want to move I don't want to stay still my brain and body seem to simply want to sit here and Yearn

[binders-and-beanies]

.

[waporlock]

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[phagodyke]

feeling like maybe screaming as loud and long as I can and falling to the ground and hitting it until I start bleeding or I finally get some attention whichever happens first. who's in

tf is up with me and randomly bursting into tears on weekend afternoons

[beesfairlyland]

hi bee, i'm sorry for the vent, but i just really need to get this out. i've been into concepts since like... 2016 i think? first loattraction, then loassumption, and now non dualism. i used all of these to "get something" yes, even nd. sure, when i learned about nd i let go of desiring, but in the end i still do "want" to have "my" desired life as a human/"ego". i've been doing everything i read for nd, letting go of all labels, thoughts, etc. and it's been going well, but recently i've started worrying again. everything i did when i was still into both loa's changed absolutely nothing/didn't work for me (i've never "manifested" anything in these almost 8 years), so i'm worried about being stuck as a this human that i do not want to be at all forever. i'm worried about not stripping labels and letting go "good enough" and i'm worried that everyone on here is just feeding me lies about this freedom and liberation. do you have any advice for this? i'm just so desperate to stop identifying with the ego (and an ego i don't like being at that)

Heya hun!💗

It's okayy don't be sorry....i understand sometimes it get's soo frustrating that we need to take it out. I feel you I've been here too before.

Take a deep breathe and calm down. Ik it sucks being stuck in a loop of trying and trying again, in a loop of desiring. But baby you have to understand that Non dualism is not a method, ik you know this too. And uk it's okay if you wanna have your desires (more of beautiful experiences) , may be it's just you are not ready yet to KNOW yourSELF and that's totally fine. There's nothing to hurry about, nowhere to reach. Have some rest. Don't beat yourself up. Okay?

First things first i want you to KNOW that the experiences that you wanna have are nothing special. They are YOU. And Everything that this ego can think of it is already here. It's your choice what you wanna experience.

Rn you are aware of desiring things, from lack. Im not asking you to do nothing, ik it's just gonna make you anxious. Just bare with me hear me out (it's gonna go out of nd perspective). I want you to drop the idea of getting something. If you want to, first feel every shitty emotion you want to. Cry it out. Let it all out. If you wanna cry for whole day, go ahead. But after that, you won't go back to being aware of those feelings. Ofc you'll have thoughts but just don't entertain them. Not yours so they can get lost. Don't give feeling to that thought. And no you don't have to act like you have what you wanna experience, you have to KNOW that this dream gonna change for good. And that's inevitable. I want you to tap into your non dual state aka void state. But this time you are not putting it on a pedestal. I suggest you to read my post and Know what *void* actually is:

And if you don't wanna meditate....you can try lucid dreaming. And it can be beneficial to make you understand that you are not this mind-body. I lucid dream and it's soo fun. Go ahead and give it a try. Just KNOW that you can do it.

Remember it's all gonna be alright. It's destined. you came across all this knowledge for a reason.

Ik i am a non dualism blogger soo i should just stick to that. But ik where you coming from and me giving you more pointers, asking you to go within won't do any good to you. And im here to help you guys. Giving you some motivation about not giving up wouldn't do any good to you atleast in this situation.

Hope i could help you a lil bit! If you wanna ask something else feel free to send in an ask!

-love, bee🐝💗

[planets-for-her]

RANT/VENT!!

im gonna tweak so bad school's been so bad but so good. I wanna sob every day and I'm not sleeping enough and can't focus enough to study but even when I study I can't do it enough so I end up getting lower grades off the bat but also I love seeing my friends and I love when its fun and we have discussions but im SO DONE and SO TIRED. I started getting anxiety symptoms without the mental anxiety (cold sweats, shaking, risen irritability, nausea, just being an emotion wreck in general) but then the intrusive thoughts and need to do things to neutralize the thoughts came back (and so suddenly and strongly I was bordering on anxiety attacks and having rlly bad symptoms) and im doing worse on tests and I can't sleep through the night and im so confused and so upset. I can't even see my therapist and i havent seen her for MONTHS. guys this is like 12 of my straws im literally just not going tmrw i cant do it rn. I feel so pathetic like I'm told to do basic tasks and literally wanna stop existing like excuse me what is this omg??

im tweaking out and I can't even imagine having a good birthday or anything good without immense stress and worry about literally existing or not existing I hate this

[sehrgefaelltmir]

venty vent cause idk how to talk about this with my real life friends n i need to put it somewhere cause otherwise im gonna ✨cry✨ lmao sorry im gonna delete this when i look at it in the morning and realise i was being Dramatic for no reason. mercedes go the fuck to bed challenge

so im getting an autism assessment rn cause,,, reasons (just imagine im like wildly gesturing around at my account n my whole life n the family history etc etc.) and i have to fill out this reeeally really long form about like. pretty much every aspect of my life. and im doing it rn and like,, man idk i didn’t think it would be that hard cause i already knew everything i was gonna say, but ive only ever thought it yk? ive never rlly talked about it or written it down. and like. man im just a mess??? over a fuckin form????? like,,, idk how to explain it but it’s judt making me realise that it’s not just emotional and sensory stuff that this affects it’s literally every single aspect of my life. like i thought i had all my evidence n i was just gonna fill out a quick lil form but the questions i have to answer brought up so much stuff that i don’t even like thinking about tbh and its so much harder than i thought it would be and idk im just freaking out? and like now im thinking should i even go through with this cause like what’s the point??? its not like its gonna make a difference whether i have a diagnosis or not it won’t change anything like what the fuck am i doing rn

[thousandyearphantombunker]

(this is a vent and I get nasty so possibly don't read)I've got no idea as to why this has become a thing recently or how to properly articulate myself rn but here I go: When I analyze characters I don't just look at how their actions are framed, i take off the frame. I take off the edgy and dramatic lighting and the very emotionally charged/biased language, the edgy outfit they got put in and I look at what they actually did what actually happened, i look at their actions alone (well not alone I still need context) and that has me being labelled media illiterate. 'the story said they where a bad guy! Look at how they are being framed! Look at what language they used to describe them! The story is telling you they are bad' and like I know that, I know im supposed hate them but when I look at there actual actions and what they've done without the frame they aren't that evil to me, i know what im being told but i dont buy it because once you get past very loaded word choices and the unflattering picture the creator used... They aren't doing anything bad in the photo, it's just at a bad angle. when you replace the emotional language and make it more neutral language (without changing the story) and you can see plain as day that.

King magnifico wasn't a villain, he's just an asshole with emotional issues, Ironwood while a villain was being demonized for the wrong reasons, he was facing an ethical dilemma alongside team rwby no matter what the show did neither side was 'right' nobody was gonna come out of that shit smelling like roses no matter if you were pro ironwood or pro rwby (maybe the writers could've learned something from ever after high about these sorts of situations you know the show for little girls handled shit like this better) and belos and the collector feel very contradictory? Like very different people each time we got some development from them. The fans who got excited over the idea these two where more complex than story states weren't being stupid, they saw the compelling ideas and interesting contradictions and got excited, and if I like a character that's supposed to a hate sink maybe I'm not stupid maybe the show didn't do its job right, maybe I don't want the writer to hold my hand maybe I want them to explain the story better and maybe I don't wanna do wikipedia homework to understand the show.

Fellas is it a sign of media iliteracy to not take the story at face value and eat what we are being fed without looking to see the ingredients or if its properly cooked? I genuinely got convinced by the owl house fandom that I was stupid for having complaints that I was clearly incapable of the higher thinking required to understand the story and if I didn't like it I clearly wasn't analyzing things deeply enough but when I did analyze the story deeper I found even more issues, my problems originally where with the coven system, coven heads, Darius and Eberwolf turning out to be secret rebels and the fact luz and hexside broke a major law with zero repressions and that Belos's plan was weak, analyzing deeper made me realize the magic system was weak and while i had massive issues with the finale already (fuck the dream sequence light glyph nonsense, and i hated the titan reveal because of the chosen one nonsense especially the titan saying he did make philip's life harder on purpose- which made the fact that he. Still discovered the glyphs impressive) i said I could still watch the show pre finale but after looking deeper I noticed the 'us vs them' mentality was through out the show - not just the finale i didn't like that philip's complexity got erased or that Luz was a chosen one and again i fucking hated the dream sequence, the light glyph nonsense was confusing, (that also helped me realize if the magic system got developed more maybe they could've introduced a mechanic that explained that shit) i also hated that the principal at luz's school was framed so badly- I'm autistic im latina i am a lesbian- im not an ableist racist homophobe- i would've demanded Luz get in school expulsion, and if she got into another incident that she go to summer school, and do community service or i would press charges- still a pretty light punishment but God he was not a bad guy I only saw that problem in the finale when I was told I was dumb I decided to try and reanalyze the show again and came out with an even more negative opinion

Maybe instead of insulting people's intelligence and acting condescending you can just say 'well if you look at the story from my perspective' and share why you think what you think because I do see the appeal of belos's ending and death I do see the appeal of this show- or another here's another idea just agree to disagree and not act high and mighty calling everyone who disagrees a nitpicker a 'stupid Steven universe fan' or lily orchard simp but no Doug walker having a mostly positive opinion of this show while still sharing his minor critics was a sin! I can't believe this is the fandom that made it so I defend nostalgia critics opinions- i genuinely don't like that guy but some of his critique aimed at the show is valid. I feel like this post is pretty meanspirited and I'm sorry for anyone who decides to read this tagless mess but I can't stand smugness or the idea that looking a story deeper makes you stupid. Im just salty and this is a dumb vent over old shit but God I'm pissy still.

[wollfling]

.

[the-kipsabian]

actually i lied im not fine things arent okay i still dont feel great i actually think i feel worse than before tbh

i dont feel great but there was kip on my dash (not originally reblogged by me lol) and things are okay now

[cinefairy]

im persisting for a new life. i live in a toxic household w an abusive family, and i don’t really have many friends at the moment. im sorry if you consider that a trauma dump but girl :(. —and i dont feel like acknowledging that im non satisfied rn will affect anything for me personally.

i’m not gonna want to hear “your manifestation is probably not appearing because you’re manifesting from a place of lack/desperation/impatience” from other blogs bc like no shit with these circumstances WHO WOULDNT FEEL THOSE THINGS? that shouldn’t stop anything.

its not the luxury clothing or iphone 12 that im worried about. i know the good life isn’t separate from me but yeah i do *need* a change to that reality ASAP!! like, today. i shifted to my desired reality-like into another house in a different country but it freaked me out so i tapped out. i want shit to appear “naturally”. anyway, ik you have maybe a vagely similar experience/past ??

maybe id like just like some motivation tho eiypo lmao im tryna soothe my human self and ill do other things to help w that too.

i dont want to vainly affirm or use anyyyy more energy to visualize. i dont want to try to convince or delude myself to knowing for a fact. i dont want to deeply relax into the void. i dont want to script. ive done everything i could ever do i know ive done WAY more than enough but i just desire it to appear now, nowww. im so determined but im still human and im tired. the power is within me ive proven it to myself many times. sometimes even tho u know something on a mental level, you still may not feel its a fact in your heart of hearts. thats my current assumption.

but girl i just needed to vent on that. im taking this spiel as proof it’s happening incredibly soon tho. now onto me contradicting all this with my desired self concept lmao. sorry its so long and i understand if you dont wanna post it.

TRUST ME! its okay to vent. its okay to feel your emotions, its okay- don’t ever keep your feelings inside of you for the sake of your manifestation, and i totally relate to how you’re feeling. you venting and releasing how you really feel isnt gonna do shit to your manifestation trust me.

i just want to acknowledge how you’re still so powerful!! even how shitty your life might seem you’re still trying and it makes me happy. from someone who has once been in such terrible circumstances, never give up. if i had gave up i wouldn’t be where i am rn.

1. STEP INTO YOUR POWER

i can already sense your power, i KNOW you’re amazing- i know you’re gonna manifest your desires and ik you’re gonna be okay one day. trust me on that, step into your divine power and know you’re 100% that bitch. mentally and physically because you are. go have self conversations with yourself on how AMAZING you are!

2. SELF CONCEPT

self concept is really important and ik you’re probably sick of hearing self concept too, but self concept really is the foundation of everything in life. self concept helped me in similar circumstances as you if that helps.

“i manifest so quickly and easily”

“nothing stops me from manifesting my desires”

“i love myself, i love what im becoming”

“i am strong, independent and amazing”

“i can easily manifest anything i want”

“i am a powerful manifestor”

“i am confident in my manifesting abilities and i know that my manifestation is inevitable no matter what”

3. KNOW THAT YOU CAN MANIFEST ANYTHING, NO MATTER WHAT.

ik a lot of people say you should ignore the 3D. now i believe you shouldn’t, i mean if you’re in the worst of circumstances..how can you? so just KNOW your manifestation is inevitable and its gonna be happen no matter what.

also you have SAID WHAT YOU WANT. meaning you dont have to do anything else but step into the knowing that your manifestation is inevitable.

[neptunebeetle]

I feel like a helpless little worm rn

[kadssp]

Todays been shit there was a bug in my bathroom my cat threw up all over the stairs and my cheater ex was texting me,, so have some soft springtrap

Despite being a mean bully like 90% of time springs can be nice and gentle when he wants to be. He almost never says it but he genuinely does care. I mean,, youre the first person to talk and be nice to him in 30 years. Of course he cares.

He's not too adept with emotions (other than horny,,) so it takes him a bit to realize that youre genuinely having a bad day rather than just being a brat to get him in the mood and/or piss him off. He finally picks up that you're not okay when you swat his robotic hand away when he tries feeling up your thigh, and you roll away from him and wrap yourself up in a blanket.

He's a horny mean old rabbit but he knows when his little bunny needs him to be soft with her. Gently he picks you up off the couch and slides you in his lap with him down on the floor, cradling you close to his furry, disheveled chest. He'll take his robotic fingers and brush the hair out of your eyes, and will let you vent if you need too. His hands are still possesive as they lay on you, but he's not trying to get you in the mood like he normally does. He holds you real tight against him and might even start to purr if you wrap your little arms around him and stroke his fur. Springs can't kiss you but he nuzzles his rabbit nose against your neck and cheeks, his ego welling up again when he makes you smile.

If you fall asleep with him holding you his ego will blow up even bigger (if its possible). Its really tempting to feel you up right then but he refrains. Perhaps later he can give you some stress relief. But for now he's perfectly content holding his sleepy baby bunny close.

"Come here, bunny. Let me take a look at ya. Don't pout at me, now come here... There you are. No, no I'm not planning anything. I just wanna... hold you a bit. Wh- I am being serious! If i wanted something else you'd already know it by now. Just.. be still. Lemme just hold you a bit. See? Im not as mean as you say I am. Well, not all the time. You had a bad day, huh? Yeah, I could tell. It's okay bunny, it's over now. Just relax a bit, alright? I promise I'm not gonna be rough with you... Oh, just look at you. Even now you're trembling. Cute little bunny. My little bunny. Just relax my pretty girl. Let this bucket of bolts just hold you for a bit. We can save our normal routine for later."

-🍨 anon

i gatekept this dont be mad at me </3 it’s been a rough week so i’ve been rereading this almost every hour or chance ive been free :(

sighh springs i’d do anything for one day with the crazed murderous decaying rabbit animatronic i love you 🍨 anon kissing you rn /p

[futuremilf222]

here’s a little emotion fueled rant im probably gonna delete later. i just hate to see other people being hurt. ALSO I SHOULD PREFACE BY SAYING i don’t know all the specific people doing this cause it’s usually done under anon (WHO WOULDA THUNK?) so it’s not targeted at anyone in particular

it’s wild how people are attacking writers rn (who don’t even write corpse smut) for no reason. you guys are really saying “youre writing about a real person, that’s disgusting. they’re a real person!” and then in the same breath sending hate and harassing someone? do you not realize that THEY’RE real people too? i’ve seen people calling others pathetic and a million other names? and saying these things to someone who, unlike corpse, will actually SEE ALL of that shit? if you really wanna be useful maybe work on getting all the videos people post making fun of corpses’ appearance (even using photos of random people to make fun of them too) taken down, NOT attacking someone who writes fluffy fanfiction on fucking tumblr. the words you say have a real affect on people and you might not wanna admit it cause you’re operating under the justification of ‘standing up for corpse’ but it’s bullying. i’ve seen countless writers who LEGITIMATELY don’t write smut for corpse being attacked for it. innocent people with thoughts and emotions who are obviously gonna see all the damaging and hurtful things you send to them. it’s highkey THE MOST hypocritical thing i’ve ever seen. if you really care about others so much then be KIND! if you see someone post something you don’t like BLOCK THEM! if it crosses the line send them a NICE MESSAGE explaining WHY it’s uncomfortable! don’t attack people for no reason. you’d think THIS would be the LAST fandom to belittle and bully others as it’s very focused on mental health awareness but apparently not.

with that being said if anyone needs to come talk about anything my messages are always an open and safe place! it doesn’t even have to pertain to this topic. mental health is SO SO SO important and sometimes you just need a random stranger on the internet who you have no real life connections to to let you vent:)

[tiffgeorgina]

what did you think of the new episode???

OH LORD i had a lotttt of thoughts on this episode, understandably. CONTENT WARNING FOR DISCUSSIONS OF SUICIDE AT THE VERY BOTTOM OF THIS POST (it’s a long paragraph). also obviously spoiler warning for 2x08.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

please reach out to somebody if you’re feeling distressed after this episode, or if you or a loved one is considering self harm or suicide. im always here if you need somebody to vent or talk to. i love you all and i would be devastated if anything happened to any of you. 

anyways, episode discussion below:

-first of all, the corgina scene at the very beginning was PRICELESS. tiff and corkie had it DOWN until tiff lost her cool. i was DYING. casey wilson invented the word “fuck.”

-marcus/dawn and connie/mo double date. this whole scene had me CACKLING. marcus being such a comrade was not at all what i expected. the three-on-one connie smackdown i could not BREATHE. also includes classic moments such as “we’re doing black shit right now keith” and regina stealing every scene she’s in. also WOMEN xosha roquemore (connie) in dark lipstick is the best part of s2 prove me wrong

-also kind of out of order but dawn calling mo her best friend did not sit right... like in my soul. it’s like inherently wrong. so STRANGE to hear her say that.

-but connie sucks at being subtle lmfao dawn was not having any of that 

-“i can’t vote. im a felon” just out of nowhere GOD. and the fact that that’s the first time dawn’s learning that mo went to prison is fucked up. i’ve never seen a woman want a man to shut up so badly, and i’ve never been so glad that said man did not shut up lmfao

-tiff and blair’s apartment looks so good yes god!! also this season keeps referencing blair’s parents and it’s kind of putting me on edge. especially since next episode is “blair [being] forced to revisit his past.” on another note, andrew’s voice in this scene is SO FUNNY. you can tell he’s a voice actor i think

-also like we knew blair was into older men but now we like know lmfao. the richard gere jokes had LAYERS these writers outsold

-ok blair&tiff’s relationship... yikes. i cannot tell what the writers want their relationship to be. are they unhealthy and toxic and bad to each other? or are they platonic soulmates and life partners? make up your MIND, showtime.

-DON’T INFANTILIZE THE CUP BYE KJDFHGDFKJ

-first blarris scene was TENSE. acting good

-the confirmation that roger has kids... i mean i suspected it from the moment tuc’s character was announced in september but it makes the ending so much more painful. i KNOW that’s the only reason why they pushed the fact that the harrises are parents in this episode, bc it was never confirmed earlier.

-i hate how funny michael hitchcock is. im trying to hate newell but im laughing. why are his lines so funny who wrote this. 

-the sound design in this episode was a lot to take in. the music was intense asf and it stays intense throughout the whole ep

-keith cracking onto blair and trying to reconcile with him bc he’s feeling empathetic but blair shutting him down... can’t say keith doesn’t deserve it but i would’ve loved to have seen keith and blair just talk about being closeted and having affairs and shit.

-THE TRUMP CHILDREN LMFAOOOO they all look so smug the casting was great this ep

-mo shit talking connie TO HER FACE bc he knows connie can’t give up the act... fucking priceless i love to see it acab

-dawnroe physical contact hhhhh can you tell im rewatching this ep as i type this

-the wording on the “you’re with the FBI?” line is so perfect. bc it makes it totally sound like dawn’s onto mo and connie when really she’s just like “you’re siding with the FBI bitch?” highkey genius line

-posted this too early by accident oops. im still editing im not done yet lmfao

-MARCUS MO AND DAWN SAID ACAB FUCK YES

-ROGER GRABBING BLAIR’S HAND I AM ASCENDING. i knew about the hand holding scene there but i didn’t think roger would initiate it <3

-roger nearly kissing blair :’/

-LORD the trump children are little shits god

-daddy says it makes me look hot. you mean cute? ...no.

-oh GOD not this blarris scene. i like to believe that a gay person generally wouldn’t threaten to out another gay person on principle, but blair has shown how shitty of a person he's become all season. i hate it and it’s still ooc but i’ve seen worse on this show tbh.

-roger’s got a point, if he supports his campaign fund manager right off the bat, he’ll look like a total fraud and his career will be over. the fact that blair barely gives a shit really speaks to what his character has become. “fuck them” what a classic line

-ANDREW’S ACTING!!! his voice when he says “you use me” ugh i felt that in my chest. plus roger looking away after he says that... i mean god this cast is so talented

-blair snapping god. he’s got a point, he and roger have been dysfunctional asf all season. doesn’t justify threatening to out somebody AT ALL but finally hearing some emotion out of blair, a little bit of anger and frustration, it’s refreshing.

-does “who are you, blair?” count as a parallel to “who are you, pfaff?” from 1x01?

-blair outing roger to newell... yikes. again ooc and bad. blair’s a shitty guy but we’ve seen him have empathy before, even in s2. why would they make him do this i don’t get it.

-keith finding out about lenny is good. maybe something will finally come of this arc?

-parallel to 2x02 with blair mentioning his mom’s phrase, cool. probably gearing us up for more references to his parents next ep, culminating in a flashback to his childhood in 2x10.

-this scene where the trump kids are destroying everything is classic. you can genuinely tell that everybody there was having so much fun shooting that. idk, it’s nice.

-trump reveal HA what a great end to that scene

-keith coming by and fucking everything up... i mean i guess everybody KNOWS now. dawn/marcus is over (good) and dawn is probably right pissed at mo rn. but hey, fuck em all resurgence!!! ive been waiting for it and now it’s here!

-im scared, what’s connie gonna do? fuck cops

-“that’s a long way to go just to get a dig in” “it was a stretch but-” see what happens when you’re a narc? you lose your wit :/ sad! nice exit line from connie tho

-CW SUICIDE MENTION. ok time to talk about what definitely needs to be talked about. god this has had my chest hurting all day yesterday. i knew blarris would be outed eventually bc sho likes to milk every plot point for every bit of drama they can get out of it, but i did not expect roger to take his life. and blair finding him is just devastating. i said this on twt, but the fact that somebody could be so overwhelmed with internalized homophobia that being outed could cause them to commit suicide is so incredibly and deeply sad to me. i’ve been crying for a while over that fact. 

im just. im really sad. i’ve connected so much with these characters over the past two-ish years and this is such a devastating turn of events. i have no words. it isn’t bad writing or ooc by any means, it’s just so extremely and incredibly sad. there are probably thousands of people who have been in roger’s exact position before, and the realism really hits me hard. i can’t put into words how overwhelming sad this makes me. 

also pretty upset that this came as a COMPLETE shock to me and all my friends. we all watched on the sho streaming service, which did not have the “viewer discretion advised” card before the ep. the premier did, but the episode on the app did not. i really REALLY wish they had added that before i had seen the episode so i could prepare myself, even if just slightly. also wish they had added a suicide hotline number at the end. 

seeing blair grieve his loss is going to hurt but it’s probably going to give us closure too. i think about this show all the time, and now thinking about it makes me so overwhelmingly sad. i sound dramatic but this show has been with me for so long. not being able to see much of blair’s reaction beside the initial shock has been haunting me. im so scared for what the future episodes are going to bring.

thank you for reading, i love you all <3

[starrypawz]

More work adjacent rambling/venting as im like processing stuff still

Like I know part of the reason shit kinda hit the fan at work was due to the fact that one of my coworkers unfortunately had a recent bereavement so understandably they need time off work again. And like we’re already horribly short staffed because we lost several people last year and ofc no one new has been hired on so it’s just like everything gets dumped down as a result.

And tbh I do feel a bit bad because ofc I want to be like helpful and supportive and like am understanding of this and like ideally I’d be like ‘oh dw yeah no problem i can like pick up the slack no worries’ but the thing is like trying not sound like a butt here it’s like there’s a lot I’m trying to deal with lately, both like you know ‘oh shit pandemic’ related and like other things and just like I legit don’t really have the mental energy really spare for it?

 tbh it’s not just a work thing i feel like this has like always been a thing for me like ‘excuse me can you like basically be expected to constantly maintain standards and give but uh we’re not like really gonna give you much back and uh we’re gonna start you off with like a half full cup anyway wait wait why are you having problems oh my god you suck? And which tbh makes me feel bad because like it just makes me feel bad? Because you know I don’t like feeling like I’m letting people down? I don’t like feeling like people are annoyed at me etc. basically im just like easily caught in guilt spirals.

And idk if im overthinking it but I still find it like really telling yesterday when talking to my manager she didn’t open with like ‘Are you feeling better/are you ok’ it was like me getting grilled and guilt tripped for five minutes. And like sometimes I’ve been feeling like she thinks i’ve been fucking up on purpose/that i don’t care but like that’s not the case? Like not really I’m legit trying my best to keep going at this job even if I’m mentally done with it and really do want to just go ‘sod it i quit’.

Like i’ve beena t this job for like two years now? lost a chunk of it due to lockdowns. But it’s sort of like ‘wait what do i even get out of this job to ensure i stay here beyond like... they pay me and get a staff discount’ like we don’t feel like a team, you dont’ really get rewarded anything additional, you seldom get told you’re doing good at anything or really thanked, this job straight up doesn’t matter on a larger scale, it’s not rewarding, they i think expect me to like essentially be an expert but like no theyv’e never trained me beyond the bare minimum.

like not to sound entilted but it’s sort of like the bare minimum is given and just yeah not enough like to convince me to keep going.

And just yeah it’s like I don’t think I can somehow get across why things are bad and im basically being told to bootstrap and suck it up when I just like I really cant? There’s not enough left in me. Like I’m aware things are hard for everyone right now but just idk. Am I being a bad person? Am I being lazy? I’m legitimate trying here but i can’t really do more than I am. Am I actually human garbage? etc.

Like and the stuff where I can tell my manager is stressed because of BS from higher up in the chain but that’s like being pushed down onto me since I’m the idiot at the bottom of the ladder and it’s sort of like ‘but none of this is really my problem/something i can fix’ logically but ofc things don’t work like that because like shit rolls downwards. And like im trying to be understanding ofc of the fact everything is a massive pile of shit lately and things are hard but it’s also like ‘i can’t like keep taking other people’s shit on top of my shit pls don’t take your shit out on me’ (like i get enough of that at home) 

And today I got my rota through and have this lil suspicion my manager cut my hours, and it’s feeling a bit ‘ok if you’ve done that because you’re annoyed at me that’s more a problem for you not me’

basically rn i have like the emotional strength of wet toilet paper