#im not even being the daughter they want me to be im j pretending i am nd idk i j feel so shitty bc of it all

[brokenhardies]

8 & 9 - Salty asks

8. Have you received anon hate? What about?*

I received anon hate once, but it was so long ago I don't really remember it.

9. Most disliked character(s)? Why?

oh boy here we go;

Andrew motherfucking Hartford. I could do an entire essay as to why his character pisses me off more than most villains in the Power Rangers franchise, but I don't want to bother anyone with the details, so here's the cribnotes version

he abandons his son to go out on adventures and dooms the world by finding the corona aurora - which he had to had known contained flurious and moltor before he found it, like the myths were well known

in order to make up for his almost world-ending mistake, he creates a team of power rangers and appoints himself the leader, without even saying or doing anything

during his time as the rangers' mentor, he basically forces them to focus on the jewel quest - unless its convenient to him - and gets to the point where he bars dax from attempting to look for a movie script while working as a ranger - meanwhile the rangers in mmpr were allowed to be students, work part time jobs and be rangers and no one complained or so much as batted an eye

the rangers immediately believe that the retro rangers are going to replace them when they lose their powers, which has to be something that hartford drilled into them offscreen, because of how sudden their quitting is

he pretends to kick will from the team, only to do a whole 'trust exercise' that makes the team believe will has joined the bad guys side and is now willing to harm them using his ranger powers to get to the jewels before them

like im amazed that the team still trusted hartford after that stunt

then its revealed that mack was a robot made by hartford, who made mack for the sole reason of wanting a son but being unable to find the right woman, and he specifically made the son a teenager bc i think he liked the idea of a son but didn't want to do any of the family bonding shit with him (which is an idea that the morphin grid podcast put into my head), making mack have an existential crisis and (to quote @wherabouts-of-light) "grow insanely suicidal for them to just allow in a disney show"

then at the end of the series, after mack is made human and they can go on adventures, he starts a robotics company and pimps out his android daughter (or granddaughter, im not sure j-borg's relationship to the hartfords) to a BuzzFeed expy!

because of covid, we have no idea if mack is aware of this or not, or what his reaction is, and for all we know it could just be a silly easter egg to tie dino fury to the disney era as well but still!

to make this worse, while j-borg is reportedly coming back for cosmic fury, i doubt they're going to address her relationship to hartford at all meaning whether or not mack knows that his own father is using his past as a way to make money might just be a mystery!

The funny thing is Andrew Hartford is not as bad as the worst mother in all of television (Wendy Spector, who also was in the running for this question due to abusing her son so badly he developed DID for a mistake she made) but dear god for Power Rangers? Yeah, this man is utterly despicable, only gets called on it by Mack, and at the end of the series, they forgive each other??? Like WTF Power Rangers??? WTF????

[caruliaa]

ooohh so being “loved” by my parents for acting as a person im not still feels as shitty as being not loved nd treated badly by them for the person i am got it

[pentyler]

Penny Tyler Intro

BASICS

★ BIRTH DATE / 1 December, 1955 (i think LMAO) ★ BLOOD STATUS / Half-blood ★ PRONOUNS & IDENTITY / she/her; cis female ★ FACECLAIM / Tristin Mays

ACADEMICS & ROOMING

★ PRIMARY SCHOOL / London School of Witchcraft, class of 1974 ★ ACADEMIC PURSUITS / Pre-Auror ★ HOUSE & YEAR / Gryffindor, class of 77

( alcohol abuse cw, abuse cw )

POINTS OF INTEREST

★ Penelope was happy being poor, alone, and without any ounce of weight to her name. She was alright with being “Penny Tyler” the girl with a muggle father who left when she was six, a borderline alcoholic witch for a mother who tried her best to give Penny everything she needed to be successful in life, and one or two friends at London School who were there when she needed them, but never suffocated her. She was okay being the girl that no one knew existed, or cared about if they did. In fact, she almost loved that fact. She didn’t have to talk in class, she didn’t need to act like a good friend or pretend that she cared about other people. Everything seemed, for once, to be going alright. Then, of course, her mom fell in love (or so she claimed).

★ Augustine Nott came from a long line of pureblood wizards, and with that came a lot of gold and a big reputation, one that her mother was more than happy to become a part of. Parties every weekend and fancy gifts delivered to their dilapidated doorstep; those were the things that Mrs. Tyler lived for, and suddenly they were all hers. The wedding was fast, unexpected, and huge -- married in June of 1974. The gossip that followed it was even bigger. Penny’s mother was nothing to the pureblood family that Augustine came from; she was trash, and by association so was Penny. Nevermind that she didn’t want to live in his lavish house with his House Elf and seven bedrooms and four and a half baths. She was her mother’s daughter, and she was going to be known for it. She had a name to uphold now, there were people (her peers) that she had to socialize with and parties she had to attend, and no matter how much she wished that going to Hogwarts for her 1st year would change that, she found out it only got worse.  

★ Silas Nott entered the world at only 6lbs 6oz a year after the wedding. Yet the tiniest of things, make the largest impacts. The maddening part about it all was, Penny never wanted any part of it, yet it was clear, when it came to her new baby brother, she was the person who cared the most. And being away at Hogwarts, away from him, and knowing the care that he was in (trust her, she’d grown up with Vera Tyler as a mother herself), only added to the stress. It led to outbursts in lessons, physical altercations with other students in the corridors, and a foul mouth on the quidditch pitch. Penny was kicked from the quidditch team -- one she even captained as a Seeker. But that was the only consequence she ever faced among all the incidents in her years at Hogwarts. She hated the privilege her name brought, but at least she didn’t have to kiss away her dreams of being an Auror. Penny’s currently in her last year of the Auror Academy. And while her dreams are soon to come true, she has more goals now. In her heart, she knows the influence Silas was under could forever change him. Her endgame was to have custody of him. No matter what it took.

★ It was undeniable that Penny took after her mother, the way she fell quick, hard, and deep for a wizard. Ten years her senior, Andrew Porter worked tirelessly as a well trained Hit Wizard. They’d met as soon as Penny entered the academy. It even being on her very first day had her thinking, perhaps fate did exist, and they weren’t all aimlessly wandering about. They were engaged only three months later, with a rushed wedding following everything else. But to Penny, this wasn’t rushing. This was love and why would she wait for love? But this romance was a whirlwind for a reason. The first year -- marital bliss. Nothing but surprise dates, apartment shopping, and they even got a dog together. The second year, things began to fizzle out. But, that’s what Penny had expected. That’s what she’d been taught her whole life, watching her mother go through men. The excitement wore off as you entered the “normal stage”. But what about arguing every week, sleeping in different beds, and deciding to work overtime was normal?

★ She’d learned he’d lied about a few things since meeting -- all to make himself seem... superior. Did this man have a God complex? Was this relationship only feeding his ego? At times, it’s all it felt like, when she wasn’t being made to feel crazy. There was nothing but a sense of false security and though Penny did not quit a thing in her life, she had to escape. This was not setting any better example for Silas, after all. And wasn’t her baby brother the priority in her life? Penny had wasted so much of herself admiring this man, for nothing in return. He hadn’t helped build up Penny’s self-love, not once, and it was as soon as she realized that, did she file for divorce finally. This was in November of 1979 and while the divorce isn’t yet finalized, Penny is out of their house and has avoided all contact with him since. Recently, she’s couch surfing with her dog as she searches for a new place to live and trying to find a sense of purpose again.

TRAITS

✓ athletic; independent; adventurous  ✗ bitter; aloof; quick-tempered

EXTRA FUN STUFFS

whale HELLO! this is the love of my life penny tyler, comin’ atcha with a fresh face and backstory!!! i wanted an old character to connect with all da older bbs ~ so everyone come at me, but definitely da “older” crew!!

her about page & pinterest

is a few months away from becoming an official auror! so we will soon be responding to all the fuckin war crimes that yall be committing in this universe DLKFALKJLSKDF;J hit us up if you ever need anything auror related! 

penny is definitely ACAB but you gotta fight the system from the inside!!! she also has this antiquated dream that she is going to “save the world one day”

grew up rather poor and doesnt take shit for granted much because of it

she can be a bit Intense or Abrasive so i APOLOGIZE in advance! i do not support physical violence but ms penny says what u gonna do about it punk !! maybe it’s cuz she’s a sag idk dont perceive us basically

she also has attended a lot of pureblood events and parties since her mum got married in ‘74. so!!! connections there too >: )

has currently been couch surfing since her divorce! so if you’re one of those couches, hmu :)

is craaaaazzzzyyyyyy about music!!! has a vinyl collection thats p much her pride and joy and what most of her money has gone into over the years

picked the “ugliest” dog at the shelter and made it hers!!! her name is blair lol

okay i think i got what i needed to out but yeah!! IM HYPE YEET

[propertyofwicked]

a-z of dating will schofield 

(ive kept blake alive bcos im not a monster, and he has sisters rather than daughters :) ) pls request more for me to write i am bored of my half term lol

a- argue 

both of you are fairly neutral people, so you rarely have arguments of significance. when you do however, the aftermath can last anywhere from a few hours to a few days - both of you too stubborn to admit your faults so resorting to silent treatment. the periods of silence ended when one of you couldn’t take it anymore, usually him. he would approach you when you were pre-occupied, take you in his arms and whisper an apology. if that didn’t work, he would begin telling bad jokes, refusing to let you go until you cracked even the smallest of smiles. 

b - body (his favourite body part of yours)

will loves your lips. on the one hand, he loves when your whole face lights up in laughter, or perks up with a smile. he loves seeing your lips curl up into a small grin whenever you see him across the street or when you share a look from across busy rooms. on the other hand, he loves how your lips fit perfectly with his. when you get intimate, he loves how they wrap around him and he loves when they fall open to let out the bliss sound of your moans.

c - care (how you care for each other when you’re sick)

when will is ill, he’ll pretend it’s nothing and continue working himself beyond his ability. it’s almost your job to make sure that when he’s ill, he remains in bed - or at least the house - in order for you to keep an eye on him and make sure he stays hydrated and well fed. when you’re ill, he will stay with you as much as he can. before he has to go to work, he’ll place a glass of water and medication next to your bed and put soup into a pot, ready for you to just heat it up when you needed it. when he comes home, he’ll come straight up to you and wrap you in his arms, peppering your face in kisses. he didn’t care if he too got ill - it just meant more time with you. 

d - dates (what do you guys do?) 

you and will weren’t a typically outgoing couple, whilst you both came from money and could afford to splash out - neither of you wanted to. you’d rather stay at home, curled up on a sofa, humming along softly to the murmurs of a record playing softly in the background. he’d play with the rings that adorned your fingers whilst he listened to you talk about anything that came to mind. you listened to him talk, sometimes he’d tell stories of his time in the war - maybe he’d recount something he’d seen or something that blake had told him in passing, he did love to tell stories after all. when you did go all out, it was to celebrate anniversaries or birthdays, and even then, it was a dinner and then a walk home, gazing at the stars. 

e - engagement (how he proposed)

it was on your 7 year anniversary, sometime in early 1922, and you go to a local restaurant to celebrate. something feels different though. as you walked in holding hands, his became clammy and throughout conversation at dinner, he stumbled over his words and found it hard to stay on one topic for more than 5 minutes at a time. on the walk home he takes you down a different street and says he “just wants to show you something”. without questioning him, you follow him and end up at the bench you first met. it wouldn’t be will, if he hadn’t planned out a long speech that built up to the final question but in his stress manage to forget it and resort to just going on one knee and smiling up at you, “i love you, will you marry me?”

f - friends and family (do they like you/him?)

his family adores you. his younger sisters loved to have someone to talk to and someone to braid their hair whilst their big brother was away at war. whilst he was away, his mother loved to have you other for dinner, desperate to have anything the remind her of her son. his dad and you weren’t massively close but there was an aspect of mutual respect. you had many mutual friends as you grew up in the same area, attending local schools and all of them were obviously delighted to see their two friends happy with each other. your parents adored him too, he was the son they never had whilst also being the best thing to walk into your life. 

g - gifts 

will loved to shower you in gifts. they were only little but they were something so deeply special to you. it was weekly flowers, that he’d buy on his way back from work, or maybe a punnet of cherries from the green grocers - he was whipped and you were equally. 

h - how you met

you met when you were 17 and he was 18 in 1915. your town had been holding a small travelling festival consisting of a circus and fun little game stalls. your friends had insisted you go, as it may be your only chance. they didn’t mention though, that whilst there they would be meeting their boyfriends - leaving you alone, wondering around admiring the lights. in your meandering, you bumped into the dusty blond who stood as good head above you. in doing so, you knocked the toffee apple out of his hand, and insisted on buying him a new one with the the remainder of the 10 bob your dad had given you on the way out. you spent the rest of the evening sat on a bench, talking about the stars that shon above until your friends turned up to take you home. 

i - intimacy (how often are yall getting down?)

despite his shy outer shell, william schofield was not afraid to show you loving almost every day. can’t sleep? hungry? need to go shopping? this man does not care. if you need anything, he’ll give it to you and god does he know how to work his way around that bedroom. 

j - jealousy

your’re both the jealous type, but not the type to make a public show about it. the pent out anger is usually taken out behind doors if you get what i mean ;) when will gets jealous, he makes sure you know by squeezing your hand harder or moving it over to graze the top of your thigh and he’d play with the ends of you hair. you’re more discreet about it, maybe getting a little argumentative with whoever is making you jealous. 

k - kinks

william schofield - king of praising. he loves to hear you call out his name as much as he likes to make you. if he could spend all day making you shake, he would. 

l - long distance

whilst will was away at war, things got hard. despite only being together 6 months when he left, it was like a piece of you had been torn away, and you spent every day praying for his safe return. but when he did come back on leave, it wasn’t the same as you knew he’d had to leave again and the risk of never seeing him again got more prevalent. sending letters was always hard, often he’d find the small marks where ink had bled from your tears, his heart shutting down to repress his own feelings. his letters went from happy to bland. no emotion, just vague descriptions of his days, his meals - nothing about him and how he was doing. so when the war did finally end and he came back to you, he returned to being the will you had grown to love. 

m - moving in

towards the beginning of the war, you had received a letter from will declaring how the moment he came home, he wanted to make a woman out of you. so when the war finally ended 4 years later, and he returned, the first thing you two did was go on the hunt for a smallish house. you opted to move more into the city as the jobs and travel was considerably better. living together was a dream, though you had to adjust to each others bad habits, and being young and living together meant you had the constant questionings as to when you would start a family of your own.

n - nights out

ofcourse, living in closer to the city provided you with better opportunities for nightlife. friday nights were dancing nights. you two, your friends and partners and whichever girl tom picked up that week would all stumble down to the dance hall and spend hours, drunk dancing to the likes of marrison harris, only to return home at early hours and pass out on the living room floor. 

o - open with each other

at the start of your relationship, will and you were very open with each other, discussing your boundaries and respecting them as such. you would talk about everything, from friends to family to school. but after the war, will became a closed door - refusing to talk about anything that happened whilst he was away, you respected this but wished he’d open up the slightest, just to be able to connect to him in anyway. after a few months, he became the same man he was before he left, just more mature - a look that really suited him. in his months of silence, you opted to fill this by just talking non stop, anything the provoke a reaction. and you’ll never forget when he had not said a word for 3 days after returning and whispered a quick “i love you” as you fell asleep that night. 

p - pda

neither of you were big on over-the-top pda, choosing to just hold hands or accept slight pecks. affection was saved for a private environment around only each other or very close friends. although in crowded areas, will would stand behind you, wrapping his arms around you securely. 

q - questions (what you talk about late at night)

it’s 3am, you can’t sleep, so you roll over and stare will in the face until one eye peaks open. 

“yeah?” he mumbles sleepily.

“do you love me?”

“mhm”

“no say it”

“i love you, now go to sleep, it’s 3am”

r - reproduction (do you want kids?)

you’ve always wanted kids, knowing that you grew up mostly alone as a single child. will had also wanted children until he saw what war could do to a child. he feared that he would be putting a potential son at risk by just simply creating him. it took a lot of convincing to retrieve will from the mindset he had fallen trap to, but he eventually did come around to the idea of having his own little family to protect. 

s - surprising (what surprised you about him)

he was really bold when you got to know him well enough. on the surface and to people who had not spoken to him, will seemed like a quiet but wise soul. one getting to know him, anyone could realise that he had the sense of humour of a champ and was really outgoing. often, being around tom brought this out in him, challenging to ridiculous games of drunk darts in a dingy pub.

t - together (what you do together)

you just vibe together. sometimes you cook together, other times you sing or you dance along with the wireless - him twirling you around the kitchen was a favourite of his. sometimes you’d read together or to each other and other times you’d go out dancing till early hours of the morning.

u - under the influence (drunk vibes)

will and tom were hell to reckon with alone, but when alcohol was thrown into the mix it became a harder battle. you’d opted out of going out one night after a long, tiresome day. this led you to be left to deal with two fully grown men, giggling like school girls in your living room at 2am. will refused to sleep till he had gotten a kiss and tom refused until he was tucked into to bed and sang a nursery rhyme. but quite frankly you wouldn’t have it any other way. 

v - vacations

at it was only the 1920′s, you guys tended not to go abroad. instead you travelled the country, hiking in the peak district and swimming in the sea at cornwall.

w - wedding

you had a small wedding service, attended by family and close friends - and it was absolutely perfect. the service was followed by an evening of dancing and drinking alongside the people you loved most. 

x - xray (when he’s hurt)

it was almost impossible for a man to return from war unharmed, which left will with a weak left hand from a bad experience with barbed wired and then the carcus of a man. some days, it would get so bad, that he was unable to lift a glass in that hand, and on the days, you’d remind him that you were there to help whenever he needed it. whether that meant giving him medication or ringing a doctor, he was constantly reminded of the love you had for him. 

y - you (a random headcannon)

will had left early that morning, saying he’d be home late and not to wait up. you didn’t question it, as often he would travel for his job or go for drinks with tom. for some reason that night you couldn’t sleep without him, so took out his shirt and held it close to you, managing to fall asleep comforted by the smell of him. what a sight that was, for him to walk in a few hours later and find you curled up with his shirt. he had never been more in love with you than at this precise moment. 

z - zzzzzzzz’s (sleeping routine)

you’d be in bed first most nights, after bathing away that days dirt. will would emerge at the bedroom door half an hour later, in just a towel, to gaze at you absorbed into a book and oblivious to his presence. he’d put on his pyjamas and climb in next to you, his arm find his way under your back. this way he was able to pull you in and rest your head on his chest. he’d press a kiss to the top of your head, then tilt your chin up to connect your lips together in a sweet kiss. 

[tempestshakes01]

06-21-20

aw, ok,

I was thinking more about my last days in Sp/okane (full post about that another day!) when I remembered that ~literally~ the day before I left to Seattle to pick up my parents I met the CUTEST guy at my favorite thrift shop. 

Yes, so I went to the shop to drop off a bunch of clothes and the few larger items I could carry by myself (the rest my dad was going to help me drop off when we drove back from the western half of the state). Me being Mira, this meant I could not resist going inside and...go shopping for more clothes. I needed jeans! Sp/okane thrift spots have the best selection of good quality jeans at a steal. 

Anyway, it was Saturday--I think...because it was very busy and the line at the fitting booths was super long which only happened on Saturdays when they had their sales. ANYWAY, who cares, the line was long. I had my lil cart filled to brim knowing I’d be taking a while because you can only take 6 items in at a time. One lady in front of me was sighing all loud and making noise about how many people were around. The next lady in front of me also had a massive haul and then her daughter came and joined her with another big cart, but I didn’t mind because I was doing last-minute emails on my phone for STEM camps (parents got links to our class videos...after 3 years I really got that shit down...my camp was so funnnnnn). 

Then an older man comes up with three work shirts. I’m supposed to be next in line but I know that 3 out of the 4 booths are being used by the ladies with lots of stuff to try on and I have a lot too, so I let him go in front of me. He’s so sweet and like, “Are you sure? Are you sure? I just don’t know which blue will look best so my wife told me to try them on.” And we chatted amiably before a booth opened up. 

OKAY, so I don’t know why I’m telling this story with so MUCH unnecessary detail, lol, I think I’m procrastinating the rest of my day, but--

A guy who I originally thought was a shopper came over and turns out he was an employee. He helped out one of the rude ladies (the mom) and then started organizing the area right by the dressing booths. And like, I was trying not to really look at or chat with people becauseeeeee this was still at that time when my voice was almost completely blown out. Like, I remember this afternoon cause later I went climbing with J and N, and I sounded like a witch. And my allergies were so-so, and I had hives still, and I wasn’t wearing any make-up, and my hair was quite messy, and I just remember thinking I looked like shit, sounded like shit, but I was overall in a super good mood, lol. (again, more about my last days in Spokane in another post)

So when I let the older man ahead of me, and he went into the booth, the worker guy [let’s call him...Caleb. I don’t know his name, but he looked like a Caleb], surprises me by saying, “wow, that was really nice of you”.

(also because i had forgotten he was there and he was literally like a foot away from me at the clothes hanger you put go-backs on so he leaned over and i was like oh yeah this cute guy)

AND OKAY, you’re like, Miranda, that’s so dumb that you carry that moment with you for a year, but lemme just clarify...it’s the way he said. He was so...ugh, hot, and it made me feel so good at the time because he said it like he was kinda surprised someone was nice (hahaha), but also very warmly. It made me glow. I don’t know how to explain it. This is so dumb now that I’m typing it out, but I didn’t even blush at the time!!! Me!!! I didn’t blush!!! I simply felt like,,,wow,,,,thank you hot guy for being so nice. Oh, that’s it!!! The way he said it felt kind. In this weird way. Like, I suddenly knew that he was a very kind person. vIBES, ya know. 

So nothing more of interest happened because as soon as I basked in the glow of his warmth and kindness and hotness, and said, “thanks” in my scratchy as hell voice...I remembered I am me (acne scars (my skin was going thru a time probably bc of how much weed I was smoking lol), hives, messy hair, witch-voiced) and that right now was not the best time to be talking to such a sweetheart, so I smiled and pretended to finish my emails for another 5 minutes when a door opened up and it was my turn. 

It was the booth nearest the go-backs so I tucked my lil cart behind it and Caleb (lol I forgot I named him) said he’d watch my stuff. And so I tried on all my stuff. Took like 15-20~ mins cause again! Big haul! Cute jeans! A sports bra! Dresses! 

After figuring out when I wanted, I started to roll my lil cart to the only register open, when Caleb hopped over from the go-backs and said he could ring me up, but I dunno what I was thinking (that I didn’t want to be rung-up by the hot guy...let that other girl go.....she was already making her way toward him) and I ignored him (lol), but he said “hey, i’m open” from behind the register and not noticing the other girl making a b-line toward him, we made eye contact and he was like, “I got you!” and waved me over so I no choice but sheepishly tug my lil cart to his register where the afternoon light was streaming in behind him making his blonde hair glow and his clear blue eyes shine brighter (lMAO i’m totally making that up...I don’t remember if his eyes with blue but I remember they were so warm and pretty so let’s go with blue).

So he starts to make conversation and I chat with him even tho I sound like I’m parched and 100 years old, and he’s super friendly and we are VIBING. We’ve got that flirty thing and he’s got tattoos and his haircut is obviously from a barber and sharp and he’s very upbeat in a natural way.........and i just like him. immediately. So we’re talking and he asks me what college I go to...........lol.......and I say that I’m out of college. He says, oh, when did you graduate.....and I literally had to pause and mentally calculate and I even made a joke about how I’m so old I have to think about it......and he asks me how old I am and I say that I turned 25 in May. And he gets quiet for a second, tells me I don’t look 25 and I say that’s what all the kids say cause i work with kids lollllll, he shrugs, and then starts our convo with the same energy it started with but THEN I tell him about my car getting hit and he.........tells me how to fix it or something........my taillight........and says he’s gonna start school for autoworkers and become a mechanic (hot) and his dream is to own his own shop, and I’m like, that’s so cool, yada yadda, and THEN he says, yeah, he got into a great program after graduation..............and I pause, because graduation. And I go, “Cool, what college did you graduate from” because I’m dumb and I wanted him to have just graduated from college, but no he goes, “Uh, high school. I went to [redacted]................[big pause]............I’m 18.” And I go, “OH.”

And I don’t think it registered to him that I was like, not gonna flirt with him now that I knew he was a 😭 child, until I said that hard “oh”, lollllll, but again he kinda paused and rolled with it saying he was gonna give me the “college girl” discount and it’d be between us, no worries, and I was like “oh thank you sweet young man” (not really im not that much of a nerd but i was getting that sort of sentiment across) and he was getting it at this point, so he kinda sheepishly said, “I’ll see you around?” 

but no, I was gonna move the next day, but I said yes and walked out shaken at how we were totally vibing and I started crushing on him cause he was so hot and so nice and the sun was shining behind him in a halo and I looked like crap but he was still flirting and then he had to be 18. lmao. 

so sad. 

[broken-heartedgirlff]

Chapter 34 ~ Incomplete

Even though it seems I have everything I don't want to be a lonely fool All of the women, all of the expensive cars, all of the money don't amount to you (you can have it all) I can make believe I have everything, but I can't pretend that I don't see (Just give me my baby) That without you girl my life is incompleteEven though it seems I have everything I don't want to be a lonely fool All of the women, all the expensive cars, all the money don't amount to you So I can make believe I have everything, but I can't pretend that I don't see That without you girl my life is incomplete Without you girl Without you girl Without you girl you girl my life is incomplete Without you girl you girl my life is incomplete Oh yeah My life is incomplete

Olivia

We had to go to court, because today was the last hearing for us suing Avery for  full custody of Aden and me adopting him.  

It broke my heart that we were dragging him in this, and no matter what happens I will always treat him and love him as my son. I’m getting all of the kids therapy after this. Avery has tried everything in the book to destroy this case, but my lawyer was the best family lawyer in the state.   

She even had Aiden taken out of our home, and put in a temporary foster home until everything was solved. When I tell you I cried when they took my baby boy. He calls me every time he needs something and we talk every day. If we could, I would go see him everyday, but we have to go by the book in order to win. So it’s been supervised visits for the past few months.

It hurt that I couldn’t represent myself and Jeremiah in the case, because I had to put my trust in a man that I hurt. But Jordan was absolutely amazing at handling the case, and he didn’t put personal feelings in our dealings. He respected Jeremiah and vice versa.  

They are hearing the testimony of Aiden first and then the judge was going to tell us what is going to happen, and I am absolutely nervous.  

“Olivia, can you stop pacing please? You’re making me dizzy.” Jeremiah mumbled.

We were in the hallway outside of the courthouse, and I couldn’t sit still.

“His testimony is taking too long J.” I said, I was really nervous.

“I know you’re nervous, but please.” He pleaded with me, I knew that he was also just as nervous, because if everything went in Avery’s favor, she would make our life a living hell.

I finally sat down, and held his hand, and whispered my worst fear “I don’t want to leave here without him J. I don’t know if I can take that.”

“I know. Trust me I know.” He said kissing my head.

Before I could even respond, the bailiff came out and got us. Jeremiah and I walked in with our heads held high. We couldn’t let Aiden or Avery know that we are scared.

The judge called everything to order.

“I have went over every single piece of this case. Every time that a case like this comes to my desk, it upsets me. That not everyone involved can get along with each other for sake of the child in question. Aiden is a very bright boy, he knows exactly what is going on and is trying his best to stay happy, but all he wants to do is go home.

With all that being said, Ms. Jordan your team gave a compelling case, its obvious that you care for your son.”

“I do your honor, he is my only child.” Avery spoke sweetly and I wanted to barf.

The judge acknowledged her outburst, but continued:

“If you love your child as much as you claim to, why did you blatantly ignore him the days he was supposed to be in your house without supervision. You only came back into Aiden’s life because of his father’s relationship with his wife. Aiden doesn’t remember you, but he can account all the times Olivia put him to sleep and nursed him while he was sick.

Now for Mr. and Mrs. Lavigne, it’s obvious that you care for the boy as well. Especially you Mrs Lavigne. Aiden speaks extremely highly of you and his father. He loves his brother and sisters and his home life. But Mrs. Lavigne, as an officer of the court, I would expect you to have a higher regard, and not fight Ms. Jordan, every time she does something you don’t like. That can jeopardize this case and your career.”

I simply nodded my head, because he was right, I have literally been arrested 3 times since this case started because Avery cant stop talking shit and she acts like I won’t hit her. Of course because of my reputation, they don’t put these arrests on my record, but obviously the judge knows of my wrong doings.

“Like I said, I have looked at every single side of this case, and with my final decision, I grant Mr and Mrs. Lavigne, full custody of the child, Ms. Jordan, you are to have supervised visits with the child and if and only if the parents agree to let him spend unsupervised visits with you, I suggest you take them wisely. Aiden will be dropped off at your house with all of his belongings with the social worker, as soon as court is adjourned. Being that Mrs. Lavigne needs Ms. Jordan to recuse her parental rights to adopt the boy, the request is denied because Ms. Jordan refuses to do so. Court Dismissed.”

I wasn’t happy about the adoption but I was happy that he can finally come home. Before I could even speak, Avery came and slapped the shit out of Jeremiah.

“I HATE YOU!!! HOW DO YOU TURN MY SON AGAINST ME TO CHOSE HER OVER ME! JUST LIKE YOU’VE DONE FOR YEARS!!!” She screamed.

I went to jump up and defend him, but Jeremiah stopped me.

“I will never allow him to be alone with you. I will never allow him to disrespect you, but you don’t get to disrespect my wife. I did that years ago, when I stepped out of my marriage to create Aiden, and it will stop today. Olivia has been nothing but wonderful to him, unlike you have, that’s why he chose her over you.” He turned to me and reached out to grab my hand.

“Our son is waiting for us.”

And we left to go home. Sure enough Aiden and the social worker were waiting in the car outside of our house when we pulled up.

I couldn’t hurry enough to get out of the car, apparently neither could Aiden. By the time I came around to the back of the car, he was running towards me. I dropped down on my knees and he threw his body into me, hugging me.

I was crying, my baby is home, and I am never letting him go.

Xavier

Living by myself has been an adventure. Not in a good way either. I miss my wife, and I miss my girls. I think that it’s crazy that Kamryn wants a divorce. I gave her, the space she asked for, and I thought she would want me back, but she only asked for a divorce.

What’s even crazier, is that we have amazing sex still. Which pushes back our separation papers. Legally we have to be separated for 6 months, before getting a divorce meaning every time we have sex, the clock re-starts. Yet, we are in each other’s bed every week, when we trade off on the girls.

Which is where we are now. We just got done fucking and it was amazing, I don’t know why I ever cheated on her, but I regret it everyday.

She instantly got up to go to the bathroom, to clean herself up and she came back and got dressed.

“Are you going to stay the night?” I asked her.

“Nope. Mom has the girls, have to get back.” She said back to me.

“But, you can stay.”

She sighed, “Xavier, this is just sex, I just want your dick. You know that you’re the only person I have ever been with. We are still getting a divorce, Plus you have a ‘woman friend’ whatever she is.”

She was right, I was seeing Callie again. I was mad at the girls that they told her, but I know its hard to keep things from Kam. But She didn’t seem to mind, and neither did I, so we kept up our arrangement. But with Callie, everything was different this time, and we were actually happy. But I couldn’t stay away from Kamryn. Sometimes, it seems like Kam is happy that I have someone else.

“I’m not staying because she lives here with you, don’t give me that face, the girls tell me everything. Im not staying, because I fell out of love with you, years ago. We just have sex and we co-parent. That’s it.”

As soon as she got dressed, Callie walked into the room and say me naked in bed and Kam leaving.

Kam just chuckled, said bye to me and patted Callie on the shoulder, “You now know how I feel Calliope.” and walked out.  

“Really Xavier? My bed? When it was reversed, I had the decency not to step in HER HOUSE!” She said with tears in her eyes.  

I really couldn’t say anything, because I wasn’t sorry. I cared about Callie, I cared about our relationship but I care about Kamryn more. Callie knew that.

“Next time, keep her out of my bed.” She mumbled, slamming the bed room door, leaving me alone in my bliss of Kamryn.

Dominic 

Today was the day. The day that my doctor clears me, and I don’t have to walk with assistance, I would still go to PT but not that much, and I could finally start driving.  These past 18 months  has been absolutely draining, with me being in a coma, the birth of my daughter, the uphill battle between Giselle and I. I can genuinely say that everyone is in a phenomenal place. 

Giselle decided to stay after our agreement, and I couldn’t have been happier. She was everything to me, and now I had my family back and this time we’re going to do this right.

“Daddy, can I hang out with Sage at Aunt Liv’s?” Angel said running in the room, with a new walking Dominique behind her.

I smiled at both of my daughters. They were absolute perfection. I slowly stood and bent to pick up Dominique from the floor, I knew that she was soon to put anything in her mouth. She instantly laid her head on my shoulder and put her fingers in her mouth.

“I don’t care, you have to ask your mother though. She’d have to take you.” I said to her.

She instantly sighed, “But she’s going to tell me no.”

“You don’t know until you ask.”  

“Fine. But I already know the answer.” She stormed out the room, and as soon as she left, Niq started to whine and reach out to Angel.

“Angel, Niq wants you!” I yelled.

“She’s been following me all day! Keep her!!” She yelled back, going to find Giselle

I soothed her as best as I could, and whispered in a baby voice “Your sissy, is a big meanie huh?”

That instantly had her laughing.

“Cmon, let’s find your mommy and brother in the house.”

~

At Physical therapy, along with my doctor, they were checking my motor functions as well as where I had gotten shot.

It was a miracle that I am getting out of this now. I should’ve been paralyzed for the rest of my life. But it’s nothing but the Grace of God and I am truly thankful.

Giselle was sitting in the seat, and I know that she was anxious to hear what the doctors had to say because she was constantly shaking her leg.

“Baby, please calm down.” I chuckled at her.

She rolled her eyes, “I can’t, I just want them to say everything is good. I’m nervous.”

I shook my head and followed through with my session.

About and hour later, my doctor told me that he wants to see me walking without any assistance.

“Where do you want to walk to?” I asked.

He sat in silence for a minute and asked Giselle about 25 Feet in front of me and she got up and walked to the spot.

I was kind of nervous because she had never seen me walk by myself. In the house, I typically walk with a cane or a walker or if I’m with the kids, they hold my hand and give me strength to not lose my balance.

At first, it was a struggle, but I just kept looking at Giselle, and I knew that everything was going to be okay. She was crying, but tried to wipe it away, so I wouldn’t see, but it just made me happier. When I got about 5 feet in front of her, she told me that my shoe was untied.

I bent down to tie my shoe,  

“Is everything Okay D? I can do it for you” She called out.

“I’m good, I promise.” I said to her,

I then acted like I was getting back up, but instead I took the ring box out of my pocket and got on one knee.

She looked at me with wide eyes and covered her mouth. I took her left hand, and said

“I’ve known you since you were 15 and I fell in love with you on day one, back in the principal’s office. We were torn apart and brought back together so many times, I don’t know how you still love me or put up with me. Not only are you raising our beautiful children, you’ve accepted my daughter as your own, which made me love you even more because you didn’t have to.  

You stayed when I was in the hospital, you were there when I didn’t have anyone else. That time when you did leave and the times we were apart from each other, my heart ached for you. Without you Gi, my life is meaningless, sad, and incomplete. I want to spend every single day with you, until I’m gone.

Yes, we are already married but we’ve never had the actual experience of being married. I have asked this question so many times, under different circumstances each time, now I want to get it right this time, here, today, when I walked to you and all I could see was you at the end of my journey, I want to ask it for the final time.

Giselle Marie Boudreaux, will you make me the happiest man on this planet, and marry me?”

By the time I finished talking she had tears rolling down her face.

“Of Course I will Dominic.”

[kendrixtermina]

I know it’s rly none of my business but I’m a bit nervous because my father will be moving back in with my mom & littlest sister in January (He was working a job on a remote island before)

Well, I say ‘littlest’ but she’s 13. Almost an adult! She’s still got 1 or 2 areas where she’s still a bit childlike, in terms of emotional overreacting & adolescent-typical exaggerated indepence (the PDA-averse ‘im a big girl now’ phase has been tough on poor old Mom xD),  but on my last visit I was shocked how grownup she had gotten. She was suddenly all self-sufficient, tall, woman-shaped, disciplined, mentally discerning, aware of society...

I was supposed to be watching her while mom was away for a week but she barely needed any help. - a big change rly, when she was younger she always wanted to be entertained by someone.

When she got her report card I was all like, “I bet M. helped you study!” (M. had frequently done so when J. was in elementary school), but this time M. proudly declared that J had, in fact, done all the studying on her own. She got really good grades, too. I loved her talking about all the cool pursuits she wanted to engage with & spouting cool animal facts!

Despite earlier struggles & all the corona drama, J. is absolutely on the right track right now. She’s such a great kid, & on track on her way to becoming a really cool young lady. They just need to not fuck up for one or two more years and she’ll be more or less a finished person. I don’t want anyone to put a crack in her right before the finish line.  

I just don’t want her to end up like me... - all potential redendered useless by knots, complexes and trauma.

I mean, she prolly won’t. Mom has a lot more cash now. She says she’s ‘learned’ from before, & if all else fails, M., I. and our brother are right there & made sure she knows she can always drop by at their appartment, which is like 5 min from mom’s place.  Mom may be a tad naive & problem avoidant sometimes, but I. can generally be trusted to not stand for bullshit & having extra adults to rely on one of the biggest predictors of resilliece. I will probably move there too if I survive the next couple of months, for whatever that’s worth. 

Maybe mom will even get tired of her husband once she has to endure him 24/7 again but since they’ve somehow stayed married for almost 30 years I’m not holding my breath tbh. 

I’m not expecting that man to suddenly get the emotional growth and self-awareness he’s somehow avoided for 50+ years, he’ll probably die as the asshole he’s always been, but it would go a long way if he could just hold himself back from yelling every time his daughter enters the room at an inconvenient moment and not calling her names or threatening to destroy her posessions. He can pretend to be nice for his employers, so clearly he can do it. Just be nice... or at least not over the top hostile. 

I wish he could just hold himself back from being an ass for two more years. 

[maspwinj2]

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen

and welcome to the #543138 J2 PR debacle and definetely the craziest one to date!

Disclaimer : im not pretending i know better than anyone, these are just my thoughts and really i don’t care about being right or wrong because whatever the truth is about this « baby mama drama »  j2 will always be gay and in love and that’s all i care about

Warning : some rambling is to be expected but i hope i expressed my point clearly enough

This is all brought to you by lollie’s facebook announcement and the fact that her baby was born on ALMOST the same day as gen and that the baby’s name comes from the SAME ballet as gen’s daughter, so if you think that there’s no link between jared, gen and lollie and think this is all some coincidences sorry but you are naive as fuck

if you’re interested you’re very welcome to click on the read more 

Let’s take a look at our possibilities :

The « Gen was actually pregnant »

Ok so i’ll stop you right there i’m not gonna go back on that, if you think that woman was pregnant i can’t help you and you should rewatch the previous episodes to see that you are incorrect but just a little reminder that this woman, lollie, looks exactly like gen, is pregnant at the same time and gives birth with a one day difference and in the same city and the only reason we know about this woman is because someone saw her facetiming jared, a sighting that was promptly followed by family pics posted by gen danneel and jared at the same time to divert attention and did i mention that even before that, people already saw the weirdness of gen’s belly and suspected she wasn’t pregnant ?  bonus point for her photoshopped belly pic on instagram

The « lollie had twins, gave one to J/G and kept one for herself »

Ok let’s imagine there are twins, im not talking about who’s the father of who idc that’s their problem but just the idea that J/G get one kid and lollie gets the other and so lollie makes an announcement and we learn about it … Don’t you see the problem here? lollie making an announcement on facebook, a platform that hats already had access to (that’s how we learnt that jared and lollie knew each other from a long time), an announcement that if we learnt about, it would make a lot of us think there are twins and so more importantly that gen was NOT carrying and so it’s a proof that she was lying all along. do you really think pr would be ok with that? with all the trouble they had to show she was pregnant (kelly show, photoshop pic, photoshoots with bumps) you think they would let lollie who has all the attention from hats thinking shes the surrogate, literally tell us her kid was born at more or less the same time as gen’s ???

It completely goes against the hiding of the surrogacy!! With this post and with showing that the baby is born almost on the same day and with a similar name they are hinting that they could be twins but if that’s really what they wanted then why not give the real date? (and please don’t give me that born before and after midnight, yeah sure again coincidences always coincidences come on) and why would they want to show that they’re twins since the purpose of all this is to make people believe GEN WAS PREGNANT !! why the fuck would they allow lollie to basically post that her baby was born on almost the same day as gen’s and with a matching name ??!!! that doesn’t make a lick of sense in a pr point of view !!!! do you really think they were like « oh lollie you wanna post about your twin being born on almost the same day as gen’s and showing everyone they have a matching name ? oh yeah go girl !! no problem !! the tinhats will NEVER know about it we’re safe !!! » you think they would let her do that? take such a huge risk? i don’t

They want to keep the surrogacy a secret and any pr person with a brain who knows that we know about lollie the surogate would tell her to NOT post about the birth and if lollie really wanted to post it then DO NOT POST the date of birth and DO NOT POST the fucking name !!! (just phoning her loved ones and telling them the details would be enough) that throws a huge spotlight on the similarity with gen and her daughter! If they truly were twins she wouldn’t have posted about it on fucking facebook where pr PERFECTLY knows that we’re gonna hear about it, they know there is someone who sends us info from lollies private facebook! they would have never done that if there were real twins

By posting it (or maybe it’s fake and the anon made that up to drive us crazy) they WANTED us to see it! and if they wanted to just prove lollie had a baby they wouldn’t have posted the date of birth and the name that are so similar to gen’s baby! and im fucking rambling right now but they can’t be twins, they wouldn’t have let her post about it with such revealing details if they truly were

And why would lollie accept to have the baby called after the evil character ? the witch? that’s just weird

So anyway, no twins (imo) which leads us to

The « there’s one baby and they’re fucking with us » aka the one i believe in if you couldn’t tell already lol

So basically this facebook anoouncement is pure trolling, they know that we know so they’re trolling us like « oh look ! gen had her baby just ONE day after Lollie ! And they’re naming their daughters from characters of the same ballet and those characters are ones that are mistaken as each other in the piece ! And lollie’s kid is named after the « evil » and « fake » one when gen’s kid is named after the « good » and « real » one just like lollie could be considered like a « fake » Gen ! And the two characters are played by the SAME PERSON in the ballet ! Aren’t all those coincidences very funny ? yeah twist your little brains to try and find an answer !»

But there’s no answer, it’s PURE TROLLING, by sending this facebook announcement to hats, they wanted to confuse and tease us and make us all look batshit insane !!

Let’s see it like this : before this facebook post it was either 1gen’s pregnant, 2she’s not there’s a surrogate, 3she’s not the surrogate is lollie

But 1 was not believable because of all the changing baby bumps and the weirdness surrounding those gen’s pic and 3 was VERY believable because after we found lollie there was a het fest on SM and just last week there was a drop of a pic of lollie with a dog that looked like arlo (around the same time where gen posted a pic of jared with arlo) saying she was no longer pregnant and in seattle AND soon after jared goes around showing pics of his daughter to fans AND when we know the date of birth we realise that jensen posted the only video of JJ ever on the 17th (maybe as a celebration) and he was seen very early in austin to have proof that « oh no he was totally not with jared the day of the birth !! hoho we are geniuses no one can see through our schemes hoho »

And after the announcement it’s like

1 if lollie has a baby then gen really is pregnant we now believe the narrative (most likely hats who changed their mind) 2 gen still not pregnant we don’t know the surrogate, it’s definitely not lollie, everything weird thing reguarding her is a coincidence 3 but if it’s not lollie then why the matching names?? and how can they have such close dates of birth?? how can this be a coincidence?

And now the new one 4 : not pregnant, lollie is the surrogate, there are twins and the not on the same day is just a coincidence, we weren’t supposed to see lollie’s facebook post, it’s just one more pr fail,they wouldn’t make a fake announcement

So this announcement’s only goal is to divide and confuse us even MORE that’s why i think it’s just pr trolling and manipulating us and there’s just one baby and they’re fucking with us as revenge for finding out about lollie and it works! those fucking assholes

Maybe I’m reaching but i really don’t think some people are nearer to the truth than some others because all the elements we have now with that new info are just confusing and if I was part of jared’s pr team that’s EXACTLY the kind of petty sneaky thing i’d do to troll those hats who almost ruined my plan (because we were NOT supposed to find out about lollie)

I didn’t expect to see THIS level of crazy in a small fandom like this one, but from my experience in the larry fandom it doesn’t surprise me that pr would go as far as to set up a fake baby announcement for the surrogate to eliminate the rumours of surrogacy or troll and confuse the people not swallowing the narrative and thus protect the heterosexuality of a guy so i know what i say sounds crazy but to me it’s the proof that PR won, they check mated us and all we can do is accept that we will never know the truth about this matter nor sound sane while talking about it. Because whenever we’re gonna talk about it, there’s always gonna be something that doesn’t make sense and no one will ever be able to agree with anyone.

If i could meet the person who thought of this, I’d applaud them, I’m pissed but i’d applaud them

So GG Good Game you sure kept the best for last, see you next time

PS : I really want to know why when i look lollie’s name on facebook i can’t find her at all ? Is it possible to erase your name from the facebook search tool ? because please do not exclude the possibility that this announcement is fake and someone is trying to mess with us (So to me it’s either an internet troll who fucks with us or it’s pr who fucks with us thanks to this anon who has access to lollie’s facebook...but im more leaning towards pr)

[123lsd]

October 10th , 2016 I just got out of the most fucked up abusive relationship . He wouldn’t leave my house and was constantly abusing , stealing my money , selling my belongings . I tried to escape to Regina and he kicked in my door . I called the police and they told me they couldn’t do anything because he lived there . But I didn’t want him to live there !!! He refused to leave and would run from the cops . Everyday I was told how worthless I am . How ugly I am . How my body is “fucked” up because I had his children . He would belittle everything about me that made me who I am . When I woke up with our baby in the middle of the night he would wake up just to bother me . callinng me a whore and terrible mother as I’m feeding our daughter . He called me a cow which made me feel uncomfortable to feed my baby naturally . So I switched to formula . His family would aid him in the verbal abuse and would look away when he mistreated me . He refused to leave on his own so I tried to compromise . I told him he could live here for a month so he can find work and move . We weren’t dating and wanted to co parent. I tried to stay home in the day and then he took over duties at night. I wanted to avoid us being there at the same time so no fighting would happen. I would go out trying to find friends , music and happiness . He would take pictures and videos of me , trying to get one of me naked so he could “expose” how ugly I am . How I’m a used up slut who will never be loved by anyone. I would try to be conscience of everything I did , trying to not be photographed or video taped. And almost always I would be woken up in the middle of the night to him being disgusting. When i left or fell asleep he would sell my stuff so he could support his addictions. Still I wasn’t physically able to make him leave . My family was so far away and I tried to run there but chose to stay so I don’t go homeless with nothing. So I went out . I saw and searched for friends. I just wanted to remember my life before I met him. I just wanted to laugh and feel human. & I just wanted to forget what was going on at home . At least for a few hours I can pretend that I am a normal worthy person . I felt free . I felt happy . I felt like I could love myself once again . Like I could become the person I want to be. I lived alone in the city so when I needed help there was no one . I called the cops so many times that I felt like the girl who cried wolf. I was alone and could feel myself losing hope and sanity everyday . One night I came home angry because he brought a woman into my babies home . I felt so hurt and enraged I tried to physically push him out of my house . He kept refusing to leave telling me I was a heartless bitch . That I’m the reason why he’s so fucked up and if I don’t help him I will suffer. I stood my ground and told him to leave . He went outside and I blocked the door , hoping he would just give up . Hoping he would just walk away and go anywhere , anywhere but here . I used my body as a shield knowing that he would never lay his hands on me . But he did . He grabbed me so hard that bruises formed on my arm. I tried to fight back but my strength was nothing compared to his . I began screaming for help at 5 in the morning and nobody came . Hearing fighting at my house was the norm. My neighbours got so used to hearing it they just looked away . When I told someone they said “well what do you want me to do?” I felt so hopeless . He got scared and left when I started screaming . I went back inside my house and felt fear knowing that I couldn’t lock my door and that he would be back. My body was so sore . I fought my hardest to make him leave . I prayed that it was all over . That my suffering could end . I started thinking suicidal thoughts and couldn’t bear to be the person I am. I would take care of my babies but every second I felt myself becoming more detached from reality . I felt horrible knowing that they deserved a better me . A better him . All there needs we’re met and I love them so much . But I couldn’t be that role model person protects them . I couldn’t even protect myself . He came back the next day and tried to laugh it off . I just stayed quiet . I didn’t want any trouble my body was sore and I felt like I was losing my soul . When j showed him what he did he denied it . Saying I should have let him stay and none of that would happen . When I showed the bruises he said that’s not from me . Then he put his hand around my arm and his hand fit perfectly with the bruise . He was amazed at what he did. Once again trying to joke about it before looking me in the eyes saying “ you better not tell anyone . Or I swear I’ll post pictures of your fucked up body.” He didn’t say sorry . I went into a state where I couldn’t stop apologizing for being alive . For existing . My friends told me I kept apologizing when I was intoxicated. My brain just wouldn’t stop feeling that way . My feelings and fears got worse I couldn’t sleep at my house anymore . I ran away and hid , trying to forget and recover . He called my phone none stop and told me all the valuable stuff in my house got sold . I didn’t care . At this point I just wanted to have a safe sleep and to try remember who I am. Finally after 2 days he told me his mom is taking our babies and he is using my valuables as a way of income . I came home to my house trashed and looted . But I felt safe . I didn’t care about anything materialistic I just wanted to be alone and unharmed . I came home yesterday , and I still feel fearful . I feel lost, tired, sore . I’m going to try work on my insecurities and mental problems everyday . I know that I need help and that one day i will feel like myself again . I want to get a job , achieve things , enjoy myself . I want to learn , experience and grow into a good person so I can take care of my babies alone . But it will take time to heal and to forget . Sometimes I get that voice in my head telling me how worthless I am . The insecurities of hating my flaws remain . And I haven’t been able to sleep properly . I know what loving a man is and I know what it’s like to be loved . Not because of him …. But I’m thankful I have past memories of my ex lovers loving me. But I feel like I will be alone for he rest of eternity . No one deserves a used up person like me . Why should someone deal with the pain and effects? It’s my fault I got abused. Ughh I just want to be a positive person again. One that has dreams , goals and potential. I don’t know how long it will take to be normal again . But I’m working on it . I’m sorry to anyone who has to deal with me or is friends with me . I am a difficult broken person right now who just wants to forget. Once I find my sanity and stability my babies will live with me . Until then I am going to fix myself . Pardon my behaviour at the moment . I’m sorry im sorry I’m sorry .

Update : I haven’t seen him since a few days before I got evicted. It’s been around 7 months. I still feel depressed and traumatized. I’m scared that when my kids are back with me he will try to find me :( But everyday I feel myself being happier. I’m in a healthy relationship now with the man who I thought about daily . When I was getting abused I would use my memories of him as comfort. To remember that their are good men out there. And I do deserve to be treated right. I’m so thankful that he loves me back <3 that he feels the same way , that he takes care of me, that he wants a future with me , that he thinks I’m worthy, and most importantly that he deals with my mental issues. When I have breakdowns he’s there for me. When I cry he doesn’t leave. He listens and holds me and tells me everything will be ok. And it isn’t an empty promise. He proves to me everyday that nobody will hurt me or abuse me anymore. He protects me ❤️ I’m so thankful I fell in love with a good man. Thank you so much creator for showing me heaven after I found hell 💔 when I’m an old lady I hope I’m married to the love of my life with so many kids. One day I will have the family I always wanted ❤️

[swearronchanel]

6.08, my last commentary™ R I P to me

I wanted to post this right away but my phone died and I broke my charger so I had to handle that but now I’m finally able to. I’m literally dead, I STILL can not process how amazing it was. So I’ll just get on with it post my earlier thoughts  

¡¡TODAY IS THE DAY AHH!! IM FREAKING LATE KILL ME

BUT HOW ARE WE ALREADY HERE? IM NOT READY FOR THIS SERIES TO END BUT I NEED TO SEE SHELGAH *SAFELY* GIVE BIRTH TO A HEALTHY BABY. ANYWAY IM LITERALLY GOING TO DIE AFTER THIS EPISODE SO ENJOY THE FINAL THOUGHTS OF MY LIFE, LETS GET IT ..

MY HEART IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE ITS BEATING SO FAST

TBH I MIGHT SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST

SCREW THESE CREDITS BUT I NEED THEM BC IM NOT READY OMG

IM SCREAMING

aw baby! & hey val

Does this mean Delia had No letters from pats this whole time??

MY BBY SHELAGH OMG HER BELLY

SHE CANT REACH HER SHOE OMG SO PRECIOUS THOUGH

Sister MJ I love u 😭😂

Family planning clinic!

YES VAL! they’re women not criminals !!

YES TRIXIE THANKS BBY FOR SPEAKING UP

aww poor Barbara

“..There are tales of missionaries served for luncheon in those climes” LMAO OMG SISTER MJ THATS NOT WHAT SHE NEEDS TO HEAR RIGHT NOW

It’s so sweet that Babs really wants her dad, I feel. My grandfather officiated my parents’ and brother’s wedding, I hope he does mine. If someone wants to marry me one day ofc lol 😂😭

SHELAGH IS ACTUALLY YELLING .. WHY DO I LOVE IT?

All the shit she’s been through/delt with and pregnancy sets her off huh..

BUT TRIXE AND SHEALGH INTERACTING YESS NOT THE WAY I WANTED BUT ILL TAKE IT FOR NOW

AWW MY BBY CRYING SOMEONE HUG HER 😭😭💕💕

MY BBY TRIXIE IS SMIRKING AT MY OTHER BBY LOL STOP 😭😭💔

“Hot and bothered” 😭😂 Violet having hot flashes. That’s not funny but i giggled I’m sorry immature of me

I can’t imagine being around when the pill was just coming out(or antibiotics even) like that must have been so wild ? you really would think they were magic *remember Vanessa Redgrave saying that in series 2?*

my mom is a nurse at a gyn/fertility office and she informed me of so much at a young age lol maybe that’s why I’m so curious idk?

lol I remember being like 13 and my friends didn’t know there was more than just the pill when it came to birth control and I really felt I was an expert😂 but *a judge’s voice* irrelevance moving on.

Needing your husbands permisson for a bank account? *sucks teeth* Vete ya!

Aw my bby shelagh 💔💔😭

“And I’ll warrant you’ve never felt more scared” I AM! AND THIS ISNT EVEN MY FICTIONAL PREGNANCY

“Oh lass“😭 PHYLLIS COMFORTING HER OMG I AM CRYING ALREADY, I NEVER KNEW I WANTED THIS

"Phyllis you’ve been a real friend” IM NOT OKAY OMG, THEY’VE COME SO FAR I CRY

OMG SHELAGH BEING SO CUTE WTF OMGGG 💖

PROTECT MY BBY & HER BABY AT ALL COSTS 💕💕

THE NONNATUNs CHEERING SO PURE 😭

“What if something goes wrong?” stop tempting fate Patrick !!

“I’ve made up my mind” MY BBY I CANT DEAL .. once upon a time she couldn’t speak up and was so timid 😭 my bby has grown

Her lipstick is a nice color, wait what’s this lady’s name?

The nurses all together makes me so happy omg why is this so adorable, even Phyllis is there !! SO PURE💕

Lol poor Fred tries his best !

Damn secondment to st Cuthberts, I guess Trixie couldn’t even be considered for to be Shelagh’s midwife

SHELAGH IN THE CARDIGAN >>

OF COURSE SHE CHOSE SISTER JULIENNE WE WOULDN’T HAVE ACCEPTED IT ANY OTHER WAY

“‘MY DEAR” BRB DROWNING IN TEARS

but omg was Phyllis disappointed 😭 no don’t be hurt that’s her basically her mother! (sister j and Phyllis would’ve been a good tag team though)

this montage just reminds me brb #irresponsibleme

Future Hereward’s take a note from the Turners, find out about each other sooner rather than later

LOL TOM’S AWKWARD FACE BC BABS IS GETTING CONTRACEPTION

it’s Wilma! her name is Wilma, noted.

Lol what does she sell? Is the company like Avon ? 😂I’m confused but also screaming too much internally

poor Babs is so nervous and feeling awkward 😂

Her face while on the bed😂 I feel

LMAO BABS TAKING OUT THE DIAPHRAGM & DROPPING IT HA

BUT WAIT THAT WAS THE TURNERS BATHROOM WTF ??

Patrick putting on or tying Shelagh’s shoes my fucking heart is melting

She doesn’t want him there .. for now?

“..We’re a team” 😭😭💕💕 marriage goals

“The minute I look at you I’ll give you everything you ask for” BRB I AM INDEED GOING TO SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST

I CAN NOT DEAL

Phyllis exercising 😭😂

“I have chosen one of my friends” OMG MY HEART

PHYLLIS BE MY BRIDESMAID !??

why does she only have one though? is it more like a maid of honor?

HERES COME MORE TEARS

THE SPANISH AYE DIOS MI CORAZON

Aw good for Wilma being happy with her job! Does everyone call the sofa the settee?

There’s that babycham! Still was never sure if it was alcoholic or nah? sparkling cider maybe?

OMG I HAVE A BOTTLE IN MY BAG THAT I BROUGHT FROM FLORIDA

new drinking came, shots every time the show makes you cry lol jk i’d be on the floor 20 mins in 

that sports car aye

My bby looking good 😍😍

she knows what it’s like to be hurt Christopher😭

You’re not supposed to take 3 at a time Wilma, I’ve been scolded enough

Okay so Babs just fell asleep and that’s all?? Preview made it seem more dramatic

Now is Val going to listen and not touch anything? lol probably

Violet always rocking blue eyeshadow haha

Is that a silicone faja?? that looks hella uncomfortable

TRIXIE’S FACE OF DISGUST HAHA

OMG THE FAM HELPING OUT WITH FUNDS MY HEART

I WANT TO BE APART OF THE NONNATUS FAMILY!

PHYLLIS AND BABS DRESS SHOPPING I LOVE THIS

“.. she’ll have me to reckon with”  TE QUERIO MUCHO PHYLLIS

I NEED A PHYLLIS IN MY LIFE

SHE HAS A FAV DRESS OMG I LOVE HER

HER FACE OMG I NEED THAT SCREENSHOTTED

SHELAGH MY BBY😭😭

Their new bedroom is so 60s I love it

She still didn’t read the pamphlet !! I love her omg, such pure intentions

OMG SISTER J REMINISCING, AH FINALLY SOME ACKNOWLEDGEMENT THAT SHE WAS A NUN, I AM SOBBING BYEE IM DYING. MY HEART RATE IS SLOWING DOWN

POOR DEELS AW OMG she doesn’t deserve this, she barely has screen time don’t hurt her 

Shealgh’s got another nightgown! 1962/2017 is apparently the year of nighties #thebrinylonforthewinthough

I love pink waffers 😭😂

SHIT WHAT’S WRONG WITH WILMA IM SCARED, IS IT A HEART ATTACK?? BLOOD CLOT??

poor vi!! aww she misses reggie too!

AW FRED HUG HER

and he’s fanning her omg so pure

SHEALGH’S GOING IN TO LABOR ?? AHHHHH OMGG IM NOT READY

but also she has a housecoat how cute

SISTER J SAID “HIS SPINE” OMG HOW DOES SHE KNOW ALREADY

“I knew it” bless u bby😭😭 she is a GEM. WHY IS SHE SO LOVABLE?

omg Wilma don’t die, Trixie can u save her 😭

shit not looking good, maybe this was the death they meant

shelagh throwing up yikes

“She’s smiling and waving�� yea we know that smiling and waving😂😂 but omg doesn’t this remind anyone of when you’ve been partying too hard but you’re trying to convince your friends that you’re not ready to tap out yet😂😭

if not nevermind I’ll feel trashy lmaoo

PASS THAT GAS AND AIR SISTER J

AW BBY YOU ARE BRAVE!!!!!!!

IM CRYING BUT RUNNING OUT OF TEARS

HOW TF DOES LAURA LOOK GORGEOUS ALL SWEATY AND IN TEARS WHILE PRETENDING TO BE IN LABOR?? & i’m still a creature?

Poor Patrick! He must be going as crazy as I am!

I DONT HAVE ASTHMA BUT I NEED AN INHALER BC I CANT BREATHE IM SO ANXIOUS OMG

IM NOT A SMOKER BUT I FEEL LIKE I NEED A CIGG BC IM ABOUT TO LOSE IT

Trixie is doing Wilma’s makeup omg I can’t take this 😭💔💔

“I can’t believe I used to dream of this” OMG SHELAGH & SISTER J

“Every woman alive is the sum of all she ever did, and felt, and was.” ..“and how do you know that?” ..“ i wasn’t aware that I did until just now”

¡¡¡IM A W R E C K!!! l o v e that

SHE IS SINGING DORIS DAY’s SECRET LOVE AND I AM F*CKING DEAD GOODBYE

PATRICK SINGING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR SOMEONE SEND H E L P IM DYING I BET IT’S “THEIR SONG” & YOU ARE ALL CORDIALLY INVITED TO MY FUNERAL IMMEDIATELY AFTER THIS EPISODE  

I’M NOT GONNA MAKE IT

“We can’t just be like any other couple.. because we’re us”

MY HEART WTF I SWEAR IT IS ABOUT TO BURST BUT IT’S NOT BEATING

IM DEAD INSIDE AND MY BODY WILL FOLLOW WHEN THIS IS OVER

Get in there Patrick!

“The children are here” .. to say goodnight omg no😢

OMG PATRICK HOLDING HER I AM FUCKING SCREAMING

“YOU CLEVER GIRL” OMGG WHO CALLED IT

I CANT SEE WHATS HAPPENING TOO MANY TEARS IN MY EYES

IT’S A BOY I KNEW IT WELL I HAD A FEELING !

BABYTURNERLAND 2.0!!!! QUE LINDO DIOS TE BENDIGA 💖👼🏼

WHAT IS HIS NAME???

THIS IS THE BEST EPISODE OF MY LIFE WOW I CANT PROCESS IT ALL

“May the lord bless you and keep you” OMGGG, JESUS HEIDI WTF ARE YOU DOING TO ME ??!! I’ve never been so invested in a show or fictional characters’ lives like this 😭😭

I NEVER THOUGHT WE’D SEE THIS DAY AND IM HAVING SO MANY FEELS, I BARELY HAVE ANY THOUGHTS I AM S h o o k, I AM NOTHING IN THIS WORLD. JUST USELESS TRASH FOR CTM

WELL, ALMOST 19 YEARS OF LIVING WAS GOOD ENOUGH RIGHT?

HONESTLY JUST PUT ME IN THE GARBAGE BC I HAVE NOTHING OF SUBSTANCE TO SAY IM JUST GUSHING AND DYING

BUT SERIOUSLY LAURA MAIN IS I N C R E D I B L E AND DESERVES EVERY AWARD SO PLEASE GET IT TOGETHER @ THE EMMYS, THE SAGS, THE GOLDEN GLOBES & ALL OTHER AWARDS OF ALL PRESTIGE!!  STOP PLAYING GAMES & GIVE LAURA + CTM THE RECOGNITION IT DESERVES  !! & no excuses it happened for downton!

NO WILMA IS DEAD NO

The pill is so great and useful and miraculous in a way but I’m glad they showed some of its issues but DID THEY REALLY HAVE TO KILL THE FIRST WOMEN THEY GAVE IT TO? I’m still here tho, I’m rolling

NO TOM DONT SAY THaT WTF? TRIXIE IS OVER U AND U ARE OVER HER don’t ruin the moment

why did I think bab’s dad was the rev Applebee Thornton 😭😂😂😂?? where’s Jane lol

My bby trixie serving looks as always 😍😍

Aw his daughter is cute

CHRISTOPHER LOOKS GOOD TOO UGH😍

What are knickerbocker glories?

lol Boots! lowkey want to go there to satisfy my 15 year old self who liked to watch British youtubers affordable makeup videos (tbh I still do when I’m bored)

REGGIE! OMG HE CALLED VI MUM I DIE

OH YEA THE WEDDING OMG LOL I DONT FORGOT FOR A SEC

IM STILL SCREAMING, MY FREAKING BBY JUST HAD A MIRACLE BABY !!!!! I LEGIT RAN OUT OF TEARS WHAT DO I DO

LOOK HOW FAR WE HAVE COME MY GOD

THE GIRLS SINGING “HAPPY WEDDING DAY” TO BABS OMG THAT WAS GREAT, I NEED FRIENDS LIKE THAT

I NEED TO WATCH THIS AGAIN AND IT DIDNT FINISH YET

LMAO TOM AND FRED HUNGOVER, relatable AF😂😭

SO IS TOM’S SURPRISE IS MONEY? Or is he going to buy her something!?

Barbara’s cape reminds me of Phoebe’s from FRIENDS

The stain glass !! love it

PHYLLIS LOOKS SO ADORABLE OMG HER BOUCLE SUIT AW

WHY A HEADBAND ON YOUR WEDDING DAY BABs? BUT good for them lol 😭 I don’t care enough at the moment  but let them be happy they’re so great for each other !

HE GOT A FUCKING CAROUSEL OMG

damn. Nice one Tom. I’m a little jealous, someone needs to love me like that.😭

“At times, the present seems most perfect when it seeds lie in the past. And others, life is rendered flawless when we look towards future, glimpsing from within one golden moment all the joys the days to come might hold” 💕😢😭

THE TURNERS, NOW A FAMILY OF 5 OMGGGGGGG 😭😭

THE NUNS SO PURE ❣️ lol obviously

“We can not stand still because the world keeps turning. Every year must give way to the next and it’s stories must be folded, tucked away like children’s clothes outgrown, cherished and never quite forgotten”

VANNESSA ALWAYS SAYS THE RIGHT THINGS UGH

Aw Angela with Tim!

My BBY SHELAGH IN HER BLUE OUTFIT WITH UNNAMED BABY TURNER ID CRY IF I COULD

“1962 was a year of great change at Nonnatus House, but there’s always change, everywhere, there are always new faces, new tears to shed, new joys to invest in , yet the circle of love is not broken, it expands.” YOU GOT THAT RIGHT🙏🏼👏🏼🙌🏻😭😭😢😢💖💖

I NEED THE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL LIKE TOMORROW PLEASE

lol Val screaming it’s snowing 😭 same

PATSY!!!

SHE AND DELIA KISSED OMG

GOOD FOR THEM 😭

ALSO GOOD FOR ME bc I was tired of the same complaints that BBC broke them apart and Patsy was “sent away” nah man Emerald was busy!

“Love bares all things, love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things and love never ends”

THIS WAS INCREDIBLE WOW IM A MESS

IF I DIDNT KNOW THEY WERE COMMISSONED FOR 3 MORE SERIES I’D THINK THIS WAS THE END??

BUT UGH NOW WE MUST WAIT

ANYWAY I SEE THE LIGHT FOLKS

IDK IF THIS IS HELL OR HEAVEN BUT I AM DEAD, I SEE THE EARTH BEHIND ME

TBH ITS PROB HELL

Someone throw me in the damn ground already!!

In loving memory of Gabby Nuñez (1998-2017) taken far too soon because of the emotional toll brought by call the midwife, she didn’t choose to get so emotionally invested it just happened. She is grateful for her time on earth, you may leave comments, flowers or send money. Thank you for putting up with her nonsense and foolishness *now someone give my eulogy & someone else may come up and sing a hymn to conclude*

[dragonpressgraphics]

3 Tag Games

Tagged by @pod7et

1: Are you named after someone?  was. I fixed that 11 1/2 years ago.

2: When was the last time you cried? Uh, not caused by a fic? Not sure. But I was very close this saturday

3: Do you like your handwriting? Nope. And I know that seems weird, that as an artist I have horrible handwriting, but i do. I apparantly just have no patience to wait - my art thumbnails also look very awful. the difference is, the first time i'm trying to get the idea down fast before my brain moves on or forgets. the second time is to make it nice. I never get around to writing it a second time unless its typed up.

4: What is your favorite lunch meat? in general: Roast Beef. specifically - the Buttercup Dairy Store Cajun Roast Beef. A small mom and pop owned store back home where i had my first job.

5: Do you have kids? yes. one.

6: If you were another person, would you be friends with you? i don't see why not?

7: Do you use sarcasm? everyone around me does so if i do, it doesn't get noticed as sarcasm. i have it, i try to, but my levels of sarcasm just doesn't compare

8: Do you still have your tonsils? Yes

9: Would you bungee jump? *SHUDDERING* Why would you ask me that? WHY?

10: What is your favorite kind of cereal? I don't eat cereal anymore

11: Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? I used to, but i have a pair of shoes now that i can get on and off without having to, so i don't bother anymore

12: Do you think you’re a strong person? No

13: What is your favorite ice cream? Vanilla bean - Breyers or Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby

14: What is the first thing you notice about people? Uh...colors, I think. They'll draw your eye in and then you start noticing everything else.

15: What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself? MY HEIGHT (I'm so short and its not fair - my dad was a whole foot taller than me. so's his brother. and his oldest sister is almost a foot taller than me as well

16: What color pants and shoes are you wearing now? blue striped pj’s

17: What are you listening to right now? Everyone's sleeping and i was too lazy to find my headphones, so all i'm listening to is my fingers typing and the humming refridgerator (i apparantly can't spell that.)

18: If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Well, that depends. Am I picking it? Or does each color have some deep meaning that would be applied to me? Becuase if it's the first, the color would be blue. if its' the second, you'll have to give me the chart...

19: Favorite smell? BACON

20: Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? my mum-in-law (and yes, i call her mum. and no, i'm not from England. so there.)

21: Favorite sport to watch? Yuri on Ice. that totally counts, right?

22: Hair color? plain old brown with silver creeping in. sometimes i dye it to bring out the red highlights that hide inside. usually that means i've just turned my whole head red. :P

23: Eye color? Brown

24: Do you wear contacts? I can't wear them anymore. they hurt my eyes.

25: Favorite food to eat? Bacon. what, i can use the same answer twice! okay fine - how about something i can't get anymore because i don't know how my father cooked it?

26: Scary movies or comedy? Comedy! I'll even watch scary stuff sometimes if it has enough comedy

27: Last movie you watched? You know what? NO. I ain't telling cause i really regret watching it. WHILE i was watching it, but i was too lazy to find something else.

28: What color of shirt are you wearing? my bright orange pj's

29: Summer or winter? Autumn!!!

30: Hugs or kisses? Hugs

31: What book are you currently reading? Does fanfic count? if not, I technically have several books i'm in the middle of right now - i think i started them 2 years ago. before i realized i could read fanfic on my nook.

32: Who do you miss right now? dad

33: What is on your mouse pad? N/A (laptop has the touchpad, and even when it doesn’t, i use a trackball. no mouse necessary - but we did have one a friend stole from our college computer lab that my hubby used for like, forever.

34: What is the last TV program you watched? um.....oh! the Red Green Show

35: What is the best sound? music. or laughing.

36: Rolling Stones or The Beatles? not sure

37: What is the furthest you have ever traveled? NH to California

38: Do you have a special talent? i like to think so

39: Where were you born? Deleware

******************************

Alright, I was tagged by @dmsilvisart to answer 8 questions and tag 9 people who I would like to get to know better. Here we go:

1. Relationship Status: Married 11 1/2 years, known each other for 22

2. Favorite Color: Blue!!!!!!

3. Pets: None. Everyone in my house but me is allergic

4. Last Song I Listened To: That was hours ago! you expect me to remember? :( Right now i have the Yuri on Ice open theme song stuck in my head. Which makes me mad because i tried to buy it on Amazon and the only copies i could find were NOT the version in the open (different singer) or only 30 seconds long (when the open is around a minute and a half)

5. Favorite TV Shows: Supernatural, Doctor Who, Star Trek, Sherlock, Yuri on Ice, M*A*S*H (no one said it still had to be on the air...or in its original run...or...any kind of...qualifier), Stargate, Eureka, slayers, Furuba and probably so much more if i had any brain left for thinking

6. First Fandom: Star Trek

7. Hobbies: Reading, writing, arting (though i want that to be more than a hobby), Games (puzzles, board, card and video - everything really), knitting, scrapbooking

8. Books I’m Currently Reading: Several. from like, 2 years ago, before the whole nook thing. BUT! I am holding @unforth-ninawaters "Glimmer of Hope" hostage until i get more of my work done and i'm sooooo antsing to read it right now!

************************ Alphabet Game

Tagged by @tenoko1

a - age: 39.9

b - biggest fear: Being in open water or being lost, or being alone

c - current time: 3:05am

d - drink you last had: tea

e - every day starts with: my daughter waking me up for a hug before she leaves for school. then i attempt to fall back asleep until i get a nerf shot at my ass (by my husband) as a pretend alarm clock

f - favorite song: Dust in the Wind (but really, so SO many good ones to choose from! how do you choose?)

g - ghosts, are they real: can't decide

h - hometown: where i live now? where i was born? Where i grew up? I never know which version of the question i'm being asked...

i - in love with: not sure what to put here

j - jealous of: anyone whose life is more together than mine i guess. Or people who waste their opportunities

k - killed someone: um, no

l - last time you cried: This saturday I came really close. I had to go hide.

m - middle name: Is my maiden name - i was rather partial to it and since i was moving my old middle name to the first position i said, sure, why not. Let's just lop off that first name and move everything over one to make room for that new last name. wasn't like i was using that old first name anyway.

n - number of siblings: 1.5 (aka, a full sister and a half brother. whom i havent seen since he was 5 except for one time, by accident, at a con. Where he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with our family.

o - one wish: To be able to support myself on my artistic ability

p - person you last called/texted: do the website IMs count? cause that would be either jhoomwrites or mittensmorgul

q - questions you’re always asked: did you draw this?

r - reasons to smile: my kid, music, my art, comments on my fics

s - song last sang: aaaaaah....All of me? i...think? I was singing along

t - which time? Because according to my fitbit, i was awake 17 times last night

u - underwear color: the hated pink color

v - vacation destination: so. many. places! japan, ireland, greece, a supernatural convention for the ENTIRE weekend

w - worst habit(s): Tumblr, procrastination - oh wait, same thing

x - x-rays you’ve had: i've had a variety of things like that - xrays, mri's, catscans...hip, sinus, teeth, baby, gallstones, foot, etc

y - your favorite food: For the third time, BACON!

z - zodiac Sign: Aries

Not tagging anyone - if you wanna do it, go ahead :D

[intothespideyverses]

what I imagine going down next season (as a result of everything that happened in sesson 3) warning for discussion of suicide/self-harm:

SHINY

-ok since the whole sex subplot was never really resolved (they SAID they talked but we didnt see shit so) I think this would be a good time to introduce ace!Shay. Now another part of me would also like for shiny to have sex just so esme could stop fucking with m'daughter's head but shay seemed way too opposed to the idea of sex in general (and not in a nervous way, but in a "why would I ever have sex?" kinda way). And maybe once Shay's comfortable with being ace she can just deck esme right in the nose idc idc idc she had it coming! Fuck a $230 skirt bih! Tiny would be weirded out and probably disappointed at first but bc he’s literally the perfect bf he'd come around eventually. Hopefully they could highlight that there are ways to be intimate in a relationship w/o having sex. I just want shiny happiness and for people (lola up until she apologized, esme) to stop going out of their way to make shay feel so insecure and then getting mad at her when she reacts to their bs.

-speaking of which as much as I hate to see her miserable I think shay needs an angsty storyline. She solves her problems so quickly and efficiently, we never even see the emotions she must be going through. i don’t think her being ace would cause her too much stress, she'd do her research for a bit, have a fight with tiny about it (maybe even suggest to keep the relationship open, which would offend tiny) but other than that the real source of angst would come from esme. lets say esme finds out, y’all already know she would never let shay hear the end of it. that, on top of esme being EVERYWHERE and the two of them competing to be both the smartest and most athletic girl in school, would probably really get to shay's psyche. maybe esme goes too far one day, and shay just says fuck it and throws hands?? or maybe she breaks her phone?? idk something rly impulsive bc shay doesn't normally make impulsive decisions. of course esme makes shay out to be the irrational one and shay tries to quit the track team, her grades start slipping, etc etc. esme gets bored without having someone to compete against, or maybe she notices the change in shay's demeanor (and bc of maya’s suicide attempt and her mom) is afraid she pushed shay over the edge. they talk after class one day, esme still being bitchy but by the end a little teary eyed. I think their talk would be reminiscent of anya and holly j in season 8?? 9?? where anya was all like "why are you so mean to me" and hj's like "bc u let me bitch :)" so esme CLEARLY isn't gonna take any real responsibility for bullying shay but shay decides that shes NOT gonna be the bigger person for once. Idk how this would end but I definitely want shay to be more confident by the end, and for esme to learn when to stand down.

-Tiny's line about shay just seeing him as a "good nerd boy" rly stuck out to me. How much does shay know about tiny's past?? This definitely has to be brought up at some point, and I really thought the show would've mentioned that but w/e. Shay probably knows SOMETHING about the gang stuff but not how far it goes, or his family, etc. Tiny has an image that he keeps from everyone else but saves only for shay, which is adorable (they have boggle ((is that like scrabble???)) dates...need me a freak like that) but at some point shays gonna have to see the rest of him. Tiny is tired of shay assuming so much about his intentions too. That and shay not wanting sex period will (in my vision for s4) definitely be the biggest conflicts for shiny, but they'll work through them quickly bc unlike every other couple on this show they actually know how to communicate :)

-also how does tiny feel about the crash?? he looked all the way fucked up when they rushed him into the hospital so...he has to have some sorta trauma from that come on now

TRILES/MOLA

-this is gonna be messy lol. triles and mola are two very polarizing ships so we already kno theres gonna be some mess once tristans back at school. tristan may have been all "okay w/e idc" at the play but we all know once his petty ass is able to speak he's gonna go out of his way to make lolas life living hell. its truly gonna be slutshaming for days, and lets not forget the biphobia. he wont really direct any anger at miles, except tight-lipped quickly concealed bitterness. i can already picture these scenes yall like this is literally what is gonna happen WATCH.

-miles is of course gonna still feel guilty about the whole knocking her up thing, and he rly does love her and values her friendship (their friendship was so cute) so he's gonna want to keep hanging out with her (it’ll start off with just checking up on her every now and then like craig after manny’s abortion, but it’ll grow to miles getting an actual job at lola’s, etc). tristan will be okay with this on the surface but as soon as he and lola are alone (maybe tris is @ the hollingsworth household while lolas there for frankie or hell even miles and miles leaves to get some snacks or something) tristan just lays into her!! on some "you were NOTHING to him" shit. on some "you tried to trap him with a baby" shit!! some “he never loved you, just pitied you” shit!!!! and then tris is all back to smiles the second miles comes back. lola’s on the verge of tears but keeps this to herself cause she doesnt want to start drama so soon after tristan coming back and bc she loves miles too much etc etc. miles of course eventually finds out, and he and tris have the fight of the century where it ALL comes out.

-now I just read a list of PERFECT mola headcanons (by @beach-city-mystery-girl!) that should definitely happen throughout the season! idk if triles will stay together or if mola becomes official but at some point someones gonna be all "make. a. DECISION" at miles so!!

-lola should also find value in being alone and being comfortable with herself. she and yael become genuine friends (bc she needs someone outside of frankie and shay and miles) and form a weird almost symbiotic relationship where they give each other advice on things the other lacks. baaz flips between trying to flirt with her and making insensitive comments about her abortion. lola finally sets him straight for once and for all. 

-maybe something goes down at the restaurant? idk I just started caring about lola’s existence yesterday idk how this goes

-I think frankie eventually finds out that miles and lola hooked up, idk how but she does and she’s not happy about it yikes.

-actually after just reading another great post (by tristanmiligay), a lot of tristan’s insecurities could also lie in the fact that he’s disabled now. maybe miles rly wants to get tris up on his feet again and do something FUN and EXCITING but homeboi literally just got out of a coma and can’t make it, so I can see miles asking lola to go instead (like maybe its a couples thing and he already reserved it or w/e) and that kinda sets tristan off the first time. he’ll probably try to force himself to heal faster, maybe even injuring himself further in the process? he’s gonna have a lot of self-doubt and internalized ableism like the post said :/, and all of that is gonna manifest in hate for lola. 

ZASHA/GRONAH (is that what we're calling it??) 

-okay so this section is kinda tied into the maya section and rly just centered around grace so yeah. but thats mainly bc there wont rly be any drama between zasha (except like normal preparing for college type stuff, like zoe wants to go to some rly good school far away and rasha wants to stay in toronto bc she just got there).

-zoe's pretending to be fine with getting kicked out but its absolutely destroying her on the inside. she and her mom were so close despite everything. zoe starts going thru mad identity issues bc everything about her was sculpted by her mom. if shes not in her life anymore then who is she? she keeps replaying "i love you despite who you are" in her head and its killing her. she sometimes sneaks out of grace's room at night and leaves voice messages on her moms phone (which ms. Rivas never responds to) and ends every night crying on the couch. grace grows super concerned for her but has no idea how to balance both helping maya out and helping zoe. one day at school grace tries to confront zoe about the voicemails but zoe brushes it off and says something cute like "being with rasha makes it all worth it" but grace is still like 👀.

-grace then moves on to trying to help maya but maya is sick and tired of everyone walking on eggshells around her and she tells grace shes fine and that she needs to back off, but grace knows somethings still off. later that day she spots zoe in the student council office trying to call her mom and leaving an angry voicemail, ripping mama rivas to shreds!! "you were never a good mother, a mother who cant love her own daughter shouldnt even be having kids, i hate you, go to hell" type of shit. at the last minute she realizes she doesnt mean half of that (or she does mean it but that scares her) and tries to backtrack but by then the voicemail's already been sent. zoe starts freaking out and crying again and leaves another one like "im sorry I didnt mean any of that please just let me come back. Im sorry, im sorry, im sorry" like just saying sorry over and over again, and grace finally steps in like "sorry for the voicemail or sorry for being gay?" and confronts zoe again. zoe tries to get the attention off of her by asking about maya and grace is like "she's 'fine' just like how you're 'fine'. cut the bs binch" or whatever and zoe breaks all the way down, but before grace can comfort her she sees maya and esme fighting outside the office and she runs out to stop it. zoe, now that shes alone and still crying, contemplates self harming again (im gonna end this here cause this is long enough I deadass would write this whole episode if I could)

-anyway juggling between her upcoming surgery, college apps, and two lowkey suicidal best friends, grace is stressed tf out. this is where gronah steps in lol. i dont care much about jonah but i do know hes much more interesting and likeable when he's with grace. he gives her advice and shit and they go on a bunch of golfing dates, grace maybe takes him to yoga or something, they help each other with college apps, and well gronah happens! jonah basically goes from boring to manic pixie dream boy who tries to show grace that life is worth living and blah blah yall know the drill

-rasha needs a plot outside of zoe and i think her pursuing acting could be a thing!! she goes out to casting calls but every director says something along the line of "we just...envisioned someone else for the role" or "we dont rly think you'd...fit" bc shes muslim and then the one time she gets picked up for a student film, its about a terrorist attack and rasha doesnt realize until she shows up to rehearsal. she goes off on the director (and reminds her that most terrorist attacks are domestic lol) and runs off to goldi and they talk. maybe she tries to write her own webseries (probably with the help of winston) and it becomes a hit!! maybe we could have a probably cheesy as hell famous youtuber plot (and vijay gets jealous lol) and they have some sorta subscriber war where everyones taking sides. baaz, yael, and hunter try to sabotage rasha's show and bc our girl loves scheming she hits them back even harder :).

-also maybe we find out what happens to her friend back in syria? i dont want her to have too many depressing plots so maybe her friend is okay physically but not mentally and she has to deal with that :(

MAYA

-so like I already said maya's done with everyone bullshitting her and being overbearingly nice, so she starts closing herself off. this just makes everyone even more worried tho, so she forces herself back into music and her studies. grace and jonah are all over her, zig always looks guilty as fuck and treats her like a baby, miles forgot she existed but if they pass each other in the hall he'll ask how shes doing, zoe hugs her randomly one day, and esme...esmes the worst one. she starts lowkey stalking maya and its getting on her last nerve.

-she avoids saad like the plague at first, but eventually realizes that he's the only person who doesnt treat her any differently (or so she thinks). they go to the roof one day (cause that shit is never locked no matter how many suicide attempts happened up there) to talk things out, and saad completely switches gears. "what were you thinking??? why would you do that???" type of stuff. maya gets mad at him talks shit about his pictures maybe, idk. saad reminds her that its a coping mechanism after everything that happened in syria, maybe he says he once contemplated too?? idk all the ideas I have are depressing moving on

-one day maya explodes on everyone after she dissapears for a bit (umm maybe she was chosen to perform a song at a school event but, after hearing some girls talking about her suicide attempt in the bathroom, she decides to ditch) bc everyone (grace, jonah, zig, esme, zoe maybe) gang up on her to check if shes okay. she goes off, saying "none of you cared before i tried to kill myself so why care now?" and idk where I was going with this, I want maya happiness and closure but idk how to get there smh.

-uhh she finds hoot! she goes home after school and finds hoot stuffed in the back of her closet. she writes a bittersweet song and after a long talk with her mom, decides to call grace. maybe grace invites her over for a sleepover?? and zoe and maya can finally have a real conversation since The Incident too! Also grace can kinda kill 2 birds with one stone.

FRANKIE'S ANNOYING ASS

-I cant stand this child but shes the writers' baby so she'll get at least 5 main plots next season oh my god. My wishful thinking speaking, but maybe she'll learn its okay to be alone and finally learn to like herself! Hopefully she sees the value in sticking to the sidelines and helping her friends through their issues. Ooh, maybe she learns how to be a good ally after gorillagate and educates her brothers on why their many intolerances are wrong (lbr here, hunter probably uses "triggered" as an insult and continues to call all the refugees "scary", same with miles) BUT come on this is degrassi :) so the writers are probably gonna throw in a new male character for frankie to obsess over. Well, either a newbie or someone completely random thats already in the cast like fucking baaz or saad.

Z*SME

-zig and esme spend a lot of their time obsessing over maya I think, esme bc she sees her mom in maya and zig bc he feels like he made her do it. umm noah fence but i dont rly care about these two so thats all I got lol

if anyone has any specific headcanon requests I’d love some!

[taiey]

The continuing adventures of “taiey writes liveblogs that probably only make sense with a transcript of the movie to line it up with”.

no peter please don't go after him

he really does get the most dramatic lines—ooh, green reflection in the window!

wow, that's. She really does ask for validation a lot of times

:((( this whole goblin kit thing is really elaborate? like, i thought you would've failed science. there is mechanical engineering. and chemical. for bombs.

That's a really, really stable spider web that is also flexible enough to support them without clinging, at that angle

[obligatory evil meteor mention]

Surprisingly evil-looking mail delivery guy! Uuunless you're her dad and you live here or. Oh, okay.

Oh, May.

But, like, no pressure or anything.

!!! her ring.

ahh evil evil scooter. of evil.

Harry this is not a good way to have an honest conversation. Stop punching your friend. No, I don't care that you're in costume, he's not, that makes it—DON'T STAB HIM!

I guess by the time your friend is yelling at you about his father, while wearing his green goblin costume and standing on his green goblin scooty-fly, it is acceptable to tell your friend his father was the green goblin, despite said father's dying request.

Dude! Attempts at vengeance on your best friend for murder of your father are NOT an excuse for massive property damage! I hope you pay for the repairs OH AND ALSO did no one get hurt by that massive shower of bricks onto a busy street??

"I'm still here! And now I have a lightsaber!"

oh no what if your new superpowers don't cover falling from heights? (I'm sure they do, I know he dies at the end of the movie.)

I wonder, again, if Peter took him out of the goblin costume first. like. awkward.

Wait, what? I thought when that guy jumped/fell out a window he died.

There's marshland in New York? With a terribly ill-secured particle physics laboratory?

OH MY GOODNESS YOU GUYS, YOU'RE TERRIBLE! you can't even check how much mass is in the reactor? How many birds with superpowers does New York have now?

Also awkward: imagine if those cops had gotten there slightly differently and fallen into the spinny thing toooo...

Go. See. Him. and hope maybe he doesn't remember you're spiderman if he doesn't remember you saved his liiiffffe  (oh, good.)

Hey, Peter, you maybe want to. idk. Tell MJ. Some relevant facts, about her friends and his father and.

yikes that's some horrifying sand movement. like. yeeesh no.

Oh... your hand cannot pick up your daughter's locket. :( —yes! go hand, reformed hand! Woohoo! :D

Hey, nice green-ing, sand. Good job. Stripy and everything.

Yeah dude no. Don't start talking about spidey now. The other stuff was kinda okay but not, well.

Okay so when there's a large metal beam swinging about nearby your window... maybe... not? with the walking towards it?

Man, what is wrong with this crane?

you did not pick a good guy to insult peter parker to, whatsyaname. eddy. Ed. idk.

“YOU TELL MY WIFE thank you.” heh. Slight, teeny, tiny, character development, I love.

He didn't see you there, I didn't see you with a camera. Where'd you get the camera from, Pete?

Ed. Shut up. He's paying you $50 for a front page shot, he does not value anything about you.

Like, that could be a conflict for Peter, ‘i could stage that and get a steady job’ buut I already know the plot of this movie and can kinda guess how Edward gets that shot.

That is an excellent Stan Lee cameo.

...how much... exactly... has harry lost of his memory... if he doesn't know he has money...

SUPER EVIL REFLEXES!!

...oh, Mary Jane.

...oh no don't you be jealous.

This'd be a really awkward parade thing if he decided to not in faaact show up oh no. Oh, no. Oh, man.

Wow, that sure is a conveniently placed "Sand & Stone" truck. Where'd you get that shovel?

Wow, bullets work surprisingly well considering he's made. of sand.

[obligatory note of happiness about the MJ&Harry bit. and. honesty.]

dude put yer mask back on

ehhhh look the thing about the humble never-asks-to-be-thanked thing is that it doesn't work when. this.

Oh my goodness he asks her? He suggests it?? Peter, no!

"No, Spider Man, no!" I relate to this kid.

like, i've seen gifs ofit, that shekissed him but i did not realise he aSKS HER TO

Yeah, same, Mary Jane!

haha but maybe this time mary jane won't be kidnapped

The sand is now driving a truck. Poorly.

Yeeeesh no, stop, no, ~sheriff~? You’re not.

tbh what if you just. Let him take the money. So much property damage going on here. So very much.

WHAT IF YOU DIDN'T KISS SOMEONE. WHILE PREPARING TO PROPOSE TO SOMEONE ELSE. WHAT. IF.

This guy... is gonna end up bringing you that ring at the worst possible moment during your inevitable argument. Isn't he. Isn't he, Peter.

You could also try telling him you got fired, MJ. He knows that feeling! Kind of.

...not that you should say that, Peter. 'cause it's kind of only kinda.

how have you not noticed how terribly your spider man/actress analogies go over. every single time.

Like in a literary sense it's kinda cool, there are parallels between their experiences, kinda... BUT NOT RIGHT nooow

shhuuuttt uppp (this is all like 5 seconds, i just keep. pausing.)

Hey, what could make Mary Jane feel worse right now? ENTER GWEN STACY.

ENTER GWEN STACY TALKING ABOUT HOW SHE KISSED SPIDERMAN

“Who kisses Spiderman?? :D” "Me. Most days. When I'm not mad at him for beiNG TERRIBLE."

I. I'm not sure. like. what the point of that question is. There is no good answer.

No. He did not, MJ. He had idea how it would make you feel, because BOY I DUNNO.

um. usher guy. no. SHE JUST LEFT, WHY WOULD YOU SEND THE CHAMpagne in anyway, whyy

Beep!

Oh, hey! I was right! That other guy did die, probably ...aand it wasn't your fault. technically.

We chased down the wrong guy?

Pfff.

Yeah so I think so far he really hasn't killed anyone. Not counting Norman or Ock on technicalities.

Does he feel guilty? About you or about... okay, don't say "I don't need you" to Mary Jane Watson. That's a bad idea.

The evil ooze has been hanging out in your bedroom for ?? weeks and it's only now that it attacks you? infects. thing.

"Hey, this was a lot quicker than last time I made a new costume."

Spiderman is just, like, an accepted traffic hazard by now, right?

Oh, I'm so glad he's being suspicious of the black goop.

...you're not a biologist, but you can recognise a symbiote on a molecular level in minutes when it's AN ALIEN.

dude please realise you look super evil now. even to —haha like you shouldn't smash people's cameras but also haha

"Little did Spiderman know, I have TWO cameras!"

OK I'll admit the black is legitimately good for hiding on dark ceilings

TRAIN ASSISTED WEB KICK!

oh gosh the body horror from this sand thing—hope that pipe wasn't important--ooh, water works.

...also hope this large tank of pressurised water isn't important and won't flood annnything else.

EVIL HAIR-PULLING-DOWN

...that's... kinda a valid point? but. I mean sure, he should fix the door, probably, just not being polite

Hey, Peter, you made a good decision! Nice! AND STAY OFF.

Aunt May isn't having any of this "murder can be good" stuff.

revenge == the symbiote ??

Waitress/Singer is a job? ...also maybe you should tell your boyfriend about thi—Harry paints? Cool!

(Does Harry know that MJ's dating Peter?)

Yell at people and they offer you oranges?

Hee Ursula! :D

He also cooks! And they dance!

M. J. Do not. Noooooo whyy

oh no. noo. different no. :((( no. Please, Harry. Keep your eyes off 'the ball' and ahhh—hey, there's that scene that wasn't in the VHS version.

Harry?? This is like 20% of the reason you wear a mask, dude!

whiiiplaaash oh my goodness ahh poor Mary Jane.

:((( see this is the kind of quality anguish you can get when you don't just discriminately kidnap, other supervillains take note

pete. pete. pe ter par ker. "I'm breaking up with you" is not. in fact. a good segue to "Let's get married"

Took them three movies but they finally made acting plot relevant. It's not! that hard!

AND THEN. YOU GO BACK TO PETER. AND PRETEND TO BE HIS AMNESIAC BEST FRIEND oh my goodness and then you use her omitive lie about the shoW AND THEN WE GO FULL SM1

“but. but she broke up with *you*, because she was in love with *me*. !!”

what. Why are. you winking?

Bright green coffee sign!

nooo. emotional anguish---->TERRIBLE LIFE CHOICES

Right, Harry, overall—because I mean high marks for ingenuity and not-kidnapping, but—you're really lacking on the follow through here, like for keeping up the act. And wow that is a lot alcohol in front of you.

Harry please notice the ominous black spidey suit. Please. Soon.

harry im not sure you've noticed but you have blades. on. ur arm.

Takes symbiote!Pete to point out the obvious: that Norman.didn't.deserve you.

Kinda funny how after all that the picture in question is not, in fact, of Peter actually doing anything wrong.

OH MY GOODNESS, IT'S PHOTOSHOPPED? IT'S not even actually symby-spidey?

Yeah, no, Ed. I can forgive a lot of things. But reposts with the watermarks edited out? Not that.

hahahah

Symby-Pete likes Ursula's food?   . . .ah

*hair flick*

water doesn't kill him forever. :o

OH MAN PETER NO.

symbiote-Pete spends money recklessly.

Oh man, Gwen is so nice.

...alien meteor ooze teaches you to play jazz piano? ...and dance?

blonde hair and the black headband and their clothes and his hair and her earrings... it's a Look.

GWEN STACY IS SO NICE! ("That was all for her? I'm so sorry.")

NO.

get. out.

geddoouutt

"Who are you?" "Well, Mary Jane, I reckon I'm the exact feeling of a church spire silhouetted against the storm clouds, as lightning crashes in the background."

okay so eddy, brocky, rock boy. don't pray to God to kill people. Don't... don't do that.

How. Exactly. Do you recognise the face of a guy you barely know, four floors up, while he's tearing an alien ooze suit off his skin.

oh no his hair's still black

Continuing adventures of That Awful Door.

I hope Aunt May knows he's Spider man, because otherwise there is just waaay too much backstory to explain here.

I think she also wants him to keep the ring so she doesn't have to wear it.

“Spiderman... didn't have those teeth last time... right?”

Maybe not? with the watching her through her window? Also considering last time your saw her in person you hit her maybe not do that first part in person, perhaps.

"On Broad-way."

...you also locked the normal one away? Or, no, that was earlier this night. You just were using the evil one, and stowed that away. ok. gotcha.

Harry! Harry, you could do. a good. ...oh no. peter don't come also what happened to his face??

:(((

OH MAN. BERNARD! i don't think this is gonna work. but. thank you. for. saying that. [it worked!:D]

what happened to your face do you still have superpowers if you're not healing.

It's the real spiderman! He stopped in front of an american flag for a sec!

this reporter overuses the word 'seemed'

Brick!

you're stiiilll fallling

Listen MJ most of the webbing is really strong, you can actually move along it and even if you fall through one level you've got a decent chance of catching the next.

this reporter is so alarmist. and that one.

Goblin bomb!

"I'm not here for you~"

Burn it & smash it! :D

That kid is awesome! ("Film's extra.")

or. you could. shoot web. and not. jump. And maybe get her down somehow? Ground level would be... safer... lotta floors, elevators proabably not working...

why did that work?

ohh. noise.

oh... kay...

[tragic backstories make everything better]

i f o r g i v e y o u .. ..

i like to think he becomes also a superhero. subtler. smaller. never quite noticed, but. bit by bit.

why in the world is gwen at harry's funeral

(mj you do in fact have a job. and. a song to finish singing. um. but anyway)

"Girl at the final battle" yes. Her. Excellent.

The credit songs this time are so... gentle...

(Balance of probabilities Harry died intestate but maybe he drew up a will at some point when he liked Peter and didn’t revoke it and then they can go help Marko’s daughter, perhaps? Maybe.)

[the-connection]

A new documentary reworks the memoir of Bowers, who boasts he paired Cary Grant with Rock Hudson and Katharine Hepburn with 150 brunettes and slept with so many actors he didnt have time to see their films

Scotty Bowers was a 23-year-old petrol station attendant on Hollywood Boulevard when the actor Walter Pidgeon pulled up to the pump and asked the dimpled blond to jump in his Lincoln. It would be the ride of his life. Pidgeon was gay, claims Bowers in his autobiography Full Service: My Adventures in Hollywood and the Secret Sex Lives of the Stars, and that afternoon they became lovers. Bowers himself transcended labels. Years later, he startled sexologist Dr Alfred Kinsey by checking off every sex act on his list (and took him to orgies to prove it). Guys, girls, spouses, kings, consorts and a three-way with Ava Gardner and Lana Turner. Bowers had done it all.

[Kinsey] came looking for me, says Bowers, now 95, on a hot afternoon in a Hollywood courtyard apartment. Things he thought impossible, I came up with. With his devilish blue eyes and thick white hair, it is easy to picture why he was popular. He burns with energy, as though he spent his retirement stoking gossip he vowed he wouldnt spill while his lovers were alive. J Edgar Hoover? A drag. Vivien Leigh? A hot, hot lady. Wallis Simpson? A real ballsy chick.

Bowers (second from left, back row) with friends. Photograph: Courtesy of Greenwich Entertainment

Bowers used to turn tricks in this same building. Today, the vintage-style pad belongs to the director Matt Tyrnauer, a former Vanity Fair journalist who recently reworked Bowers memoir into the eyebrow-raising documentary Scotty and the Secret History of Hollywood. Tyrnauer, sitting next to Bowers and gently nudging his digressions on track, confirms that he called the Kinsey Institute to check Bowers tale. They knew exactly who he was.

Everyone knew Bowers. George Cukor, Gore Vidal, Merv Griffin; Tyrone Power referred to him in letters, interviews and biographies, calling him Scotty, Sonny, or just the gas station on Hollywood Boulevard. Tennessee Williams hand-wrote a 40-page story about him, which Bowers found embarrassingly over the top.

I said: Tennessee, forget that bullshit, says Bowers. I should have kept it. Instead, for decades, people pushed him to write down his own memories. I kept putting it off and putting it off, and all of a sudden, almost everyone they wanted me to write about was dead.

Lana Turner and Ava Gardner, with whom Bowers claims to have had a threesome. Photograph: Keystone/Getty Images

In 1946, the year he met Pidgeon, Bowers was competing with millions of other returning second world war veterans for work. Canoodling with a celebrity for $20 made more sense than digging a ditch for $10. After Pidgeon spread the word about his new friend, more luxury cars began to cruise by. Soon, Bowers side-hustle had expanded to a parked trailer with two king beds, glory holes in the bathroom and a battalion of good-looking men and women to fix up with some of the biggest names in Hollywood. Bowers boasts that he paired Cary Grant with Rock Hudson back when the Pillow Talk star was still named Roy, and introduced Katharine Hepburn to 150 lovely brunettes. As for Hepburns rumored paramour Spencer Tracy, Bowers says he slept with him, too.

Hepburn and Tracys complex relationship is a fascinating example of Hollywoods hypocritical and literal moral code. Publicists decided it was better to pretend the friends were having an affair than explain the real reason why Tracy wasnt living with his wife Louise, to whom he stayed married until his death. A heterosexual affair was forgivable even romantic and it wouldnt get either actor fired. After Fatty Arbuckle was put on trial for the rape and murder of Virginia Rappe, the studios began to add a clause in their contracts forbidding actors from committing any offence that risked public hatred, contempt or ridicule. While the courts found Arbuckle innocent twice the Hollywood moguls believed just a whiff of indecency could destroy the entire industry. The swinging days of the early silent era ended overnight. Performers became studio property: they were told how to dress, how to behave, and who to date, or at least pretend to.

Bowers in uniform in the 1940s. Photograph: Greenwich Entertainment

It was a lucrative lie. Roy Harold Scherer got his teeth capped and became Rock Hudson. When the tabloids began to nag Hudson to get married, the executives betrothed him to his lesbian secretary Phyllis. Archibald Leach was rechristened Cary Grant and wed to the great beauty Barbara Hutton, although the love of his life was screen cowboy Randolph Scott, with whom he lived for 12 years as a roommate. Bowers says in his book: The three of us got into a lot of sexual mischief together.

Living double lives took a toll. Eventually, Hudson began drinking a bottle of scotch a day and recklessly sleeping with strangers. Grant tried psychedelic therapy and spoke in quips that hinted at his unfulfillment. I played at being someone I wanted to be until I became that person, or he became me, he told his biographer. Even his most famous quote Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant sounds like a whispered confession, or maybe a misdirection. What if he just wanted to be as free as Archibald Leach?

Bowers bedded so many movie stars that he didnt have time to see their movies. A movie takes a couple hours. I was busy every minute. When his daughter, Donna, died, he went back to work that day. He shared a home with her mother, his longtime partner Betty, but slept there only a few times a year. In the documentary, he teeters towards admitting regret for spending most nights in someone elses bed. But he candidly admits his only true passion was money. He grew up hungry during the Depression era, and, as a young teenager, he turned tricks for two dozen Chicago priests who paid him in quarters. That would be abuse in everyones eyes but his. In the documentary, Tyrnauer repeatedly presses Bowers about his childhood, and does so again today.

Youre very intent on the fact that you dont perceive yourself as a victim, says Tyrnauer.

I did what I wanted to do, maintains Bowers.

That is not the conventional perspective at all, but it is his perspective and I dont judge him for that, says Tyrnauer. I think people get to define who they are and tell their story and express their beliefs.

Executives married off Rock Hudson to his lesbian secretary, Phyllis Gates. Photograph: Kobal/Rex/Shutterstock

I do think that different people are different, thats very true, replies Bowers. Im speaking for myself only.

As an adult at the petrol station, Bowers never took a cut of other peoples cash. To him, that meant he wasnt a pimp; he was a purveyor of joy. The most important thing was company, says Bowers. The LGBTQ community didnt have many safe places to connect at that time. Homosexuality was illegal in California until the 1970s. When the Los Angeles Police Department vice squad the sexual Gestapo, says Tyrnauer barged into a gay bar, patrons risked being arrested, shaken down for cash, shipped to a mental institution, and possibly lobotomised. The LAPD targeted the Hollywood glitterati because they had careers to protect and money to spare.

When the petrol station became too famous, Bowers became a for-rent party bartender, which gave celebrities an even better excuse to invite him into their homes. Even that was risky. One cop memorised Bowers car registration plate and would pull him over, scare him a bit, and then undo Bowers pants while complaining about his miserable marriage. I hope he found happiness, writes Bowers, charitably.

The vice squad is responsible for Bowers impressive memory. Midway through one aside, he recites the address of a silent movie star who has been dead for 45 years. Terrified of a raid, he rarely wrote down his friends information. It was all in my head, says Bowers. I never kept anything. If I wrote down a number, I had it in my hand until I tore it up. Even then, he would swap the first and last digits to ensure the persons identity couldnt be cracked, a trick inspired by the Navajo code talkers.

Now, Bowers has no secrets. Critics have slammed the book and the documentary for outing celebrities without consent. In the film, Tyrnauer includes a film fan arguing that legendary stars deserve more respect. Bowers counters: Whats wrong with being gay? Others have thanked him for sticking up for the real person underneath the studio gloss for revealing their truth the way they might have if they were alive today. It is impossible to know how Hudson and Grant would have chosen to live in a country that legalised gay marriage. Perhaps their lives would have been happier. Although, Bowers notes, even in 2018: Everythings not going to be out in the open. More actors are out, but now must prove they can play both gay and straight characters. Neil Patrick Harris has succeeded; Matt Bomer is trying. Some have decided that it is still easier to hide.

Asked if he is biting his tongue about anyone alive, Bowers blurts out the name of a beloved actor and her 169% gay husband. He is dead; she isnt. So, Bowers will wait. Let me tell you something: when youre dead youre dead, he insists. Later, when the conversation turns to Kevin Spacey Bowers claims to know one of his exes Tyrnauer steadily repeats that Bowers information about the alleged perpetrator is merely secondhand. The director is clearly, and correctly, aware of the complexities of talking sensitively about sex in the era of #MeToo. But after eight decades of secrecy Bowers sighs: Poor Kevin Spacey, he was right in the middle of a picture and they dumped him and everything. Thanks to #MeToo, morality clauses are making a comeback. This time, one hopes they will only be wielded for good.

Cary Grant (right) with his room mate Randolph Scott. Photograph: Snap/Rex Features

Hollywood journalist Liz Smith once quipped: All this crap about coming out! Honey, I dont think I have ever really been in! Before she died last November, she affirmed that Hepburn was a lesbian.

I was pleased that she went on the record about Hepburn because I dont think shed ever done it before, says Tyrnauer. It really provides a great assist to Scottys narrative about Hepburn and Tracy, because people are in willful suspension of belief about this supposed golden couple.

Even more startling are Bowers lusty tales about Wallis Simpson and Edward VIII. Wally and Eddie, corrects Bowers, waving away their formal names. It was very easy to see how she talked him out of being king of England because she had complete control over him, says Bowers. She told him if you want to fool around and do this and that, you cant do it if youre king.

Scotty Bowers at home in LA. Photograph: Courtesy of Greenwich Entertainment

A lot of people dont believe that particular story, says Tyrnauer. But he places them at the Beverly Hills Hotel in the 50s. We found a picture of them in the Beverly Hills Hotel in that period its in the movie. Four former clients knew Edward, and the couples close friend, photographer Cecil Beaton, titled an entire chapter of his diary: Scotty.

There were many, many factors that connected them, says Tyrnauer. I cross-referenced everything I could. When Bowers described a mansions winding pathway to the pool house, or a gate in a backyard, Tyrnauer would pull up an aerial view of Google Maps and there it was, as though the nonagenarian had visited yesterday.

In Los Angeles, notes the director: You can wipe the dust off something that has been obscured and find the truth. Scottys a living example of that. Here he was in Laurel Canyon for decades minding his business. And yet hes Scotty Bowers, the infamous male madame to the stars, and either you knew it or you didnt.

He has tried to ensure Scotty and the Secret History of Hollywood tells the truth instead of peddling innuendo like tabloids, TMZ, or even acclaimed smut such as Kenneth Angers Hollywood Babylon.

Am I in that, too? asks Bowers.

Tyrnauer chuckles: Maybe between the lines.

There always will be secret life happening, beams Bowers. People should do what pleases them and the other person some people just please more than a few.

Scotty and the Secret History of Hollywood is out now in the US and awaiting a UK release date

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