#im not back from my break but i just.. feel this real strong rn

[faungirlbulge]

I want to exist to be some lady's fuck toy

[honeekyuu]

HONEEEEE SELF SHIP FRIDAY WHO CHEERED

i love these prompts so im asking a lot sorry not sorry happy self ship friday

pre: 2, 6

general: 8, 9

love: 2, 10

domestic: 2, 8

MOLLYYYYYY LETS FUCKING GO IT'S SUNA DAY (it's always fking suna day lets be fucking real)

self ship questions!

pre 2: What was their first impression of each other?

suna and i met on move in day first year,,, he was screaming "if you break my shit ill fuck your mom" down the hall at atsumu as i coming around the corner with my cart of plants. we made eye contact and i said "my mom??" i immediately thought he was funny but he avoided me for like a week bc he was embarrassed. i had to keep making 'your mom' jokes until he cracked because he was being weird

pre 6: What was their "flirting stage" like?

looking back im like pretty solidly convinced the flirting stage started in like second year, but im just an idiot and didnt realize it until our situationship started a year later. lots of us staying up until 2am playing mario kart alone in the dorm lounge or in his room. lots of him texting me memes and tiktoks and taking random pictures of me and sending them to me when he'd see me on the quad but i didnt see him,,,, making faces at each other across classrooms,,, lots of his hands brushing thighs and elbows and me hugging him goodnight,,,, wow i was a stupid fuck back then lmao

general 8: Who takes the lead in social situations? How are they around each other's friends?

me. me me me. 100% me. we are both introverts but hes the WORSE introvert. people think hes a standoffish rude terrible fuck because he cant keep eye contact to save his life and is always on his phone in social situations. when he first met my friends i had to do major damage control but once they got to know him they realized hes just shy and now they make fun of him for it. "oh i'd ask suna but i dont think hes on this plane of existence rn" "suna i need your opinion and i need you to speak it in words please" ,, that kind of shit. his friends are the miyans and we were all in the same dorm for two years so there were no issues getting to know them lmao

general 9: Who gets jealous easier?

i was gonna say me but it's him. i get jealous SUUUUPER easily but more often it's like,, insecurity not jealousy lol. 90% of the time it's me being insane ab smth that isn't even happening and him being like "wow, youre being insane ab smth that isnt even happening!". but any time literally any guy he doesnt know tries to say smth to me, suna appears like a cryptid and stands there until the interaction is over. brother could be asking me for directions and a cold chill will pass over me as my bf emerges from the ether to linger behind me.

love 2: What are their primary love languages?

mine is words of affirmation and quality time without fail. i NEED this man to tell me he loves me because every four seconds im like "so you dont like me??" and he just sighs in exhaustion. and i feel like,,, even in the fwb stage,,,, if i went too long without seeing him i would get really insecure,,, but also HIS love languages are physical touch and quality time, so we never went more than like a DAY without seeing each other lmao. and hes a manhandler,,, brother just manhandles me when he gets clingy and im left to deal w it, he has no fucking clue how strong he is

love 10: What do they like best about each other?

i like how reliable he is. he is so steadfast and unwavering about basically everything, to the point where, if im feeling insecure, hes like "literally why would you ever think that? you already know how i feel, it has not changed once". it's a little frustrating bc hes stubborn, but also i feel like him being reliable as a fucking rock helps build my confidence to do things out of my comfort zone with him. and i think he likes that im fucking insane and overthink/overshare so open about my feelings!! hes really bad at expressing himself vocally, but hes gotten a LOT better at it in the years we've known each other and now hes basically perfect at just speaking his truth lmao. i think it's bc i talk so much ab my feelings that hes figured out how to do it too

domestic 2: If they get married, who proposes, and how do they do it? Would they change their surnames?

ohhh we're not married, but hes said out loud in extremely blunt terms that he'll be the one who proposes. i asked if he wanted me to propose and he said "HEEEEELLLLLL NO!!!!! I WANNA DO IT" so,,,, ig he's doing it ?? i dont think ill take his name though, he says he likes my name the way it is.

domestic 8: Who kills the bugs in the house?

him. he does. him. i would give the spiders the house if they asked for it.

[sqtorux]

🫁 hello friend! i only have one (1) thing due tonight so i fully caught up on your works as a means of procrastinating <3 this ask is only about your two most recent posts for the sake of brevity + not spending too much time since i promised myself to get back on the grind after sending this lmao

‘fuzzy menace’ … my favourite thing is asking you to guess my fav parts even though 1) you’re never given an opportunity to guess and 2) it’s always the same characters. anyways it’s nanami and toji. 

“what’s this gentleman doing on my side of the bed i wonder?” fdkshfds ,,, great start tbh and it’s SO NANAMI. nanami tends to be (understandably!) portrayed very seriously, so seeing a more playful (albeit still stoic) side of him here was a pleasure <3 he sounds a little teasing too ?? my lord. the first line is obvi my fav but “absolutely. how outrageous.” is a close second !! short but sweet, and his voice is so strong through out it <3 look at my man watch him go!

toji is the complete opposite in energy and i fw it so much. reader and toji are always giving each other soo much shit (even if on this occasion it’s predominantly him). the switch from toji to bald toji is so … it’s so him but it was truly awful to witness. i have 1 (many) fear(s) and it’s my fav character getting hit with the jason todd special (ugly haircuts. usually a buzzcut.) toji is realising my worst nightmare rn.”fuck does he think he is smirking like that on your bed” he’s so dumb LMAO. look at that little hypocrite go.

‘look at you go���. guess my fav parts. one day i’m going to make you guess and not tell you and comment on every individual piece. it’s suguru and toji.

now is it any surprise i’m in love with suguru … “can you dance again for me princess?” i’m not even big on pet names but lordy lord hello saviour. fun fact but i LOVE dancing even though i haven’t taken lessons since i was 13 (i’ve been considering picking it back up ?? i’m not sure though, i feel like since i’m an adult it’s too late to get back into old hobbies i’ve fallen out of and take lessons, yk? plus it's so expensive ...) having that shit recorded would be mortifying i don’t blame reader in these pieces at all. “you’ll keep asking if i give in just once” to “then you can give in again and again yeah?” kill me RIGHT NOW. oh my lord. i would give in too.

sorry i would write on toji but !! ugh my brain is fried. you can probably tell since there’s a lot of personal interjections this time ,,, also suguru has been haunting my brain the past week. i want to write something for him so bad but i’ve had no ideas ?? it’s so annoying. also i’ve been too busy with schoolwork to sit down and write anything

looking back. god this ask is so long.

RAHHH ITS LUNG ANON

you're ... reading,, my shit.. during a break... THATS A HUGE HONOUR GR breaks are for only the most enjoyable stuff bc it's limited and the impeding doom of working awaits but you chose to read the stuff here omfg i will scream at your face (lovingly).

if you made me guess your faves id always go with the big three (suguru, nanami and toji) bc i know you like wdym anon we've known each other since our uterus debutation obviously.

ALSO YOU DANCE let's gooo!!! i do too and just like you, i haven't danced in a while but im broke as fuck so im self taught filming covers back in those days ah. hobbies as an adult are so hard for real, adulting is hard where is the return ticket i would like to be a tween again i know what to do this time. i think.

maybe when your workload becomes a little lighter you could type out the suguru thoughts plaguing your mind ;)

[fubuwu]

Might take a break from tumblr for a while.... Came back to see that I've pretty much been called not only acephobic but also a trad wife.... Just for saying jc isn't an incel. I myself as an ace person believe he's ace because he shares some of the same characteristics I do in terms of marriage (having no desire pursuing it or showing any romantic interest towards anyone in the book.)

---

Ive seen loads of ace people in the jc fandom say the same thing which is why else I enjoy that hc. Feels nice being represented without being called a freak for not wanting to pursue love and romance like... I'm sorta made to feel in the real world. But.... I guess doing so makes you acephobic...

---

I am sorry if my post caused offence. Like obviously that's not what I meant. But what I don't appreciate is my words being twisted to imply I'm something I'm not..... You dont know me. Im 100% against strong, traditional values. Hell, im not even favourable towards marriage as an institution in general. But im not going to explain myself to people who only want to tarnish and twist my words over a fictional character.....

---

And then drawing attention to my post so your friends can gang up on me and others debating in the thread when I specifically asked not to if you disagree with my opinion was completely out of order... I would never dream of doing that on any of your posts, despite how much I disagree with them.

---

To be ganged up on and treated as though I'm a terrible person was not something I wanted to see today. So I'm heading off.

---

Thank you for those who gave me support. It was nice to hear those kind words of reassurance from you. I was really worried in case I had offended people. So I really appreciate the support.

---

Heading offline a bit is probably what's best for me rn now.... because mdzs sure has become a really toxic environment to be around now...

[summertimeskinney]

lol just ranting

anyone else at the point where they are just maintaining even tho they arent even close to their ugw? bc im 130 rn and maintaining it but my ugw is at least 74/75 but im just at the point where im not always completely disgusted by my body because im looking at it more subjectively and i dont think i would look good skin and bone.. honestly i dont even know why im doing this anymore. Like i dont even remember why i started doing this in the first place. my hw was like 150-160 and the only reason i became aware of my weight was because authority figures in my life were pointing it out (according to my bmi i was only slightly overweight) I started losing weight rapidly in freshman year because i discovered proana and found a community of people who were in the same situation. and i was praised.. by everyone? i was starving, then i was binge/purging. how did i even end up like this? i mean ive never really had the best relationship with food but i was only overeating a bit. now i eat until i feel so sick that i puke or am in physical pain. i can make myself throw up on demand now? ive gone literal days without eating anything. like nothing at all besides diet soda, sugar free monster, and water. im at the point where my brain is in a constant battle between the decision to binge or starve. i'll just be minding my business than my brain will be like "if you were 80lbs it wouldn't be this way" or "you're so fat, it wouldn't even be hard to be 100lbs or less. like. what are you doing? why are you so heavy and gross?" it won't stop. and instead of starving like i used to i just binge, like all day. and i dont purge either.. i don't even know whats going on anymore. im not depressed like i used to be, but i can't get the thoughts out of my head. i guess you really are in it forever? i never really believed all the warning posts about how bad eds are and how you can never go back, or maybe i just ignored them. i cant even fathom what i really look like. i have body dysmorphia in all the ways. not only do i think that despite being 5' tall and 130 lbs i would fit into anything bigger than a small. i feel gross, but ik that when i go to the doctor she's going to say that i need to lose more weight because im 2 lbs from being in a normal bmi rage. despite my titties literally weighing almost 10lbs. but then i already have troubles fitting into clothes, most places don't carry more than a small or xs in person and almost never go over a small online. i am already an xs - small as an "overweight" person. I cant imagine how hard it would be to find clothes that actually fit me at 75 lbs soaking wet. i saw a video by jesse page today talking about how she always thought that to be a princess she had to be as delicate as possible and never take up space, but then how after gaining weight she fit her princess dresses better and relearned how to feel beautiful. i want to be a delicate little doll that you could toss around and never took up a whole seat. a pretty little doll that you had to be extra careful with because you didn't want me to break. ik its not good to feel this way but i can't change the temptation to forever be empty, live off candy and diet coke, and never eat real food again. to be more of an object than a human being. but then the logical side of my brain pipes in and is like hi, i dont care what i weigh but i want to have a strong healthy body with some good biceps. i dont know how to help myself or be normal.

anyways

im fasting n laxing tmrw bc i need a cleanse. lol bye

[sereniv]

its so hard to find the balance of being informed and knowing whats happening, and focusing on my mental stability.

bc on one hand no matter what i do it feels like i cant just block it all out. it feels wrong. and i mean block everything. as in ignoring every post, not reading anything thats going on in palestine. or any other place

to just pretend like its not happening is not something I feel comfortable doing even if it might help mentally. but i dont even think id be able to

i dont need to see the videos or the pictures or read graphic summaries. and that is enough, is to even do the bare minimum

but even the bare minimum feels like too much.

and lately no matter how much i distance myself from it all its already in my head

and sometimes it feels like im off my pills. when i used to have strong delusions of reality being a simulation or of being watched etc

paranoid delusions and shit like that

like when i say i feel like im going insane i literally feel it. it feels familiar. but worse in a lot of ways

like i know what is happening is real but i can barely comprehend it.

i know what i see is real but through a lense its easy for my brain to just be confused at what im seeing. or hearing.

its a simialr feeling to when we read about the holocaust in school and when i saw pictures and read personal accounts.

i knew that it was real, it felt real to a point, but its like it didnt feel real in a way like so shocking that it causes dissociation

and like im doing the most i can do for myself. because theres no ignoring everything bc i already know its happening.

and now i have to manage my psychosis that im keeping at bay. and then ofc on top of that taking care of my grandma and both pets

amongst other things

i havnt felt this bad in a long time.

luckily i have stuff to distract myself but its like

always on in the background of my mind. it feels so claustrophobic like i want to break things

its hard to keep the right mindset and not just blow up at people, or to be 'reactionary'. which, i mean emotions first thoughts second.

its hard to push that down and act appropriately and normally. and to actually be able to think about what im saying

like its so hard to not cry or dream about this stuff. and like weed doesnt even help, and theres no way im going back to drinking

so its like i just have to raw dog the emotions.

idk maybe ill try edibles again, bc the smoking just isnt good for me

i just hope at least my grandma is able to get out of pain bc im getting so stressed im starting to think about adopting my pets out again just to be able to function

having to take misha out every 20 minutes fucking sucks. having to feed them sucks. having to take her out and scoop and to scoop cowboys cat box sucks

and im not getting enough sleep but at the same time somehow getting too much sleep

and then my tablet needing a replacement

and my room is a mess and trying to keep the dishes clean but they pile up every few days

and then just wanting to enjoy something like food and all im eating is gluten and its making me physically ill and in pain and tired

im dehydrated bc i drink at most an 8 oz glass of water a day, but on average a cup

which makes my muscles weak, im having trouble breathing

somehow im keeping it together

luckily im back on my meds

my grandma could die soon when she gets surgery and i really hope that doesnt happen bc i can not handle that rn at all

its just too much

also going to turn 31 this month when it feels like i turned 30 just a handful of months ago

so idk how i feel about that

i just feel physically sick rn. i should be sleeping but my sleep schedule is fucked up so i dont end up sleeping until like noon or 7am

[the-kipsabian]

Crush anon here I went through a stint when I was younger of losing some people back to back tho it was months / a year apart and I’ve lost a couple people a few years apart here recently one I just lost a few weeks back another just a few months ago

Grief is never ever easy but it’s much harder when you don’t experience it for a while and then suddenly you’re hit with it so quickly so much at once

The regrets are very very real and valid and I understand the connection disconnection thing felt that way about my paw he was good to me most of the time but was terrible to my mother and bad mouthed my dead nana his ex wife fairly often and she was my entire universe tbh so made for a very mixed relationship with him

Fond memories of eating out with him or going to the library

But then horrible ones of him bad mouthing my nana and him not being allowed at her funeral and him being horrid to my mom who despite my admittedly terrible relationship I still felt so much anger seeing her treated so wrongly

Point is people are complicated grief will be complicated often the more complicated the relationship with the person before they died the more complication with the grief is what I’ve found

I find myself feeling a mixture of hating not visiting my grandma in the nursing home more vs remembering times she blamed me for things that weren’t my fault or had meltdowns over small things and not necessarily feeling glad I didn’t visit more I will always regret not visiting more but it sorta in a way removes the rose tinted glasses I had as a kid before I realized and was told some of the stuff she was doing to me was wrong

I’m so sorry for such back to back losses I could never begin to imagine your exact feelings everyone grieves and feels differently and being numb is sometimes a way we can feel whether it be because we’re not ready to feel properly or we feel like we can’t because we have to remain strong for anyone else or whether it just happens

It’s okay like I said people are complicated and therefore grief will be as well and all that matters is we find what works for us and we work through it at safely and at our own pace

Sometimes it will be all at once other times it will be much more sporadic and sometimes even if it’s all at once there can still be smaller times or even bigger times we have random breaks and everything

It’s all okay, I hope you’ll be alright and I hope this makes sense and helps you somehow

I often use my own experiences to try to help others so <3

yeah its. its a lot rn. my grandpa passed away on thursday and my grandma last night so thats. yeah

the thing for me is, apart from getting hit with all of this rapid fire after not experiencing loss in years, its just.. i didnt really have a relationship in the recent years with either of them. mostly cause my grandpa wasnt really a great person and my grandma was secluded and didnt really like me so like.. yeah. i have a lot of guilt of not trying to mend any relationships like that and just having the rest of the family to handle them, but ive been living with the regrets and could-have-beens the past few days a lot and. its just a lot. especially since now theres two people like that and two relationships that are no more that i somehow need to try to deal with

idk like i said in the tags its a very complicated thing for me. im trying to do this at my own pace but its just.. odd to me. and i know its normal but i also feel guilty about it. about a lot of things, like said. i'll be fine eventually, probably cause thats just how life is and since these relationships werent that good or close.. but it still hurts. idk man

thank you tho, i do really appreciate you reaching out 💜

[transrightsyamaguchi]

thoughts on volume 8 of real:

ough i love this color spread

first volume in a long time to not end with anyone in tears. not sure if this is a good thing though.

we have not one but Two symbolic haircuts here. first of all

love the edvard munch scream parody. and it's probably a testament to how good the art is that i can still tell everyone apart even bald. and i was right. kiyoharu still looks cute.

however i was Wrong about being sad when takahashi finally cut his hair because look at him!!

look at that shit-eating cocky smile!! our boy had some Character Development in that weekend with his father. he's showing concern for fumika's problems!! he's coming around to her!!

and things are finally starting to look up for him. he's meeting other disabled people in the rehabilitation hospital!! he's finding a community!! but once again not sure if this is a good thing because i fucking HATE THIS GUY.

it's nice that ur bonding with takahashi but im killing u with my eyes rn

shiratori is another instance of a secondary character showing up to Deliver A Message On Theme. wish he would do it without also delivering porn magazines to takahashi but you can't always get what you want. he's got some thoughts on what it means to be strong, and they run counter to what we assume about him when he's introduced. this massive jacked former pro wrestler thinks he's weak because he's disabled. not sure this bodes well for takahashi's own self-esteem. we'll see.

nomiya's in pursuit of a clear tangible goal now (out of our three protagonists, right now he's the only one doing that. hm. anyway). he's seen an ad for tryouts for a pro basketball team, and he thinks he's got it. i don't think he's got it, but he'll put up a good fight before he's ultimately rejected. his off-court analytical skills are being shown off more and more. wonder what this is setting up for

anyway complaints. kiyoharu got out of that one real easy huh. i was hoping for more tears and anger and bloodshed but he just was allowed to go back to the tigers no big deal. i realized in the shower that i'm starting to get dissatisfied with the way kiyoharu's plotline is going. things are working out a little too well for him, and not in a nice tense "this is obviously foreshadowing a massive cataclysm" way. he's gotten a few too many good breaks from the narrative lately.

also he's been using his prosthetic leg more in recent volumes and it feels like all that development he went through in the flashbacks with tora is stalling out. it's not like kiyoharu Always used his prosthetic when he was off the court and Always only used a wheelchair on the court---up until volume 6 or so, he used a wheelchair when he was just going out on the town. i commented about it in my liveblog of the first volume. it was a whole thing in the fourth volume how much trouble he was having walking on his prosthetic, and tora straight out tells him to start using the chair more. so just. what. i wonder if this will get addressed at all.

anyway yeah. felt kind of let down by this one but i think i'm just feeling the middle-of-the-story reward fatigue. the same reason why people are getting bored of blue lock rn now that no one has actually been eliminated in 150 chapters. hopefully more bad things happen to our protagonists sometime soon

[astralis-is-typing]

Ok this is well over a thousand words of me simply losing my shit over this chapter dghfhjd. Such a masterpiece from my wife (real). I’ve been promising you this rb for WEEKS and I’m finally done editing my thoughts into (barely) cohesive sentences. Enjoyyy❤❤

Content warning: I am shamelessly and irretrievably obsessed with this story so mind how feral I am. The author (my wife) already knows but this is just a warning for anyone listening in vhfgdhsbxf

The way I have waited for this chapter pls… 21k??? So much to unpack and I’m ready (mostly)

If I don’t make it out alive bro tell Jeongin I love him

The thing that’s haunting me the most is the blood lock thing. I’ve been fixated on that ever since they found out that was the only way to get into Miroh. Like you know how the romance distracts me bahah, but today I’m FOCUSED fr✊

They best get to district one alive pls I hope no one dies

-

“Flooding back as you became aware of the strong arms wrapped tightly around your body, the warm breath grazing against the back of your neck.” Hdhdjskckmsmchddf

“In another world, far away from the one you had always known, you might have turned around his embrace” PLS PLS PLSSSS GO AHEAD!! NOTHING IS STOPPING YOU

(okay that’s not entirely true)

(Getting side tracked here… can I just do what I said and stop being a hoe for rebel felix? Can we do that Jules? Just for one chapter istg)

“Stopped by an insistent force holding you back, preventing you from moving even an inch further. You glanced down at the determined hand clasped around your wrist. Firm, but gentle all the same.

Silver rings against calloused fingers.”

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO FEEL RN

-

The whole scene where they’re planning on which is the best route just got my heart racing. The urgency is TANGIBLE. Especially when Felix came in and erased the line she’d drawn, because I guess that’s where his demons lie and he doesn’t want to expose the rest of them to such danger.

Also, The scene with Minho, followed by hanging outside with Changbin is so well written. I can SEE it

-

“You’d made a promise, after all.

Don’t let me love you.”

This is so DEEP??

“Because you had been able to protect Felix last night, but you wouldn't be able to save any of them from the impending threat hurdling toward you now.

In less than a second, the world around you descended into chaos.”

I CANNOT GO ONNNNNNNNNN??????

I CANNOT DO THIS???? NO NO NO

“Just as his fingers brushed against yours, a bullet whizzed between the two of you, forcing him to stumble back.”

I’M SO UNSTABLE RIGHT NOW WHAT

I’M ACTUALLY PANICKING HELP ME

I need a min to remind myself this is just fiction.

-

“Felix!” You called out, strained voice breaking in desperation as the fear of losing him tore at your soul once again. His head whipped around at the sound of your voice. With a final look in your direction, his eyes conveyed unspoken reassurance, a silent plea to trust him, and a promise that you couldn’t fully understand in that moment.”

I’M SO UNWELL I CANT I CANNOT I CANNOT I SIMPLY CANNOT I DON’T WANT TO READ IDK IDK SEND HELP

I'M ACTUALLY SO SCARED RN

“And it's probably a good thing you weren't in his position, because you never would have been able to leave the freckled boy with the stars in his eyes behind. Not when it meant leaving a part of yourself, behind too.”

ALEX PLS STOP THIS MADNESS IM CRYING THIS IS SO OVERWHELMING! Ok but now they definitely know she’s in love with him.

-

YEONJUNNNNNNNNNNN!!!

CHOI YEONJUN IN OTDE? MY STAYMOA HEART IS FJJDNVNVMD

-

“you avoided the woman's gaze when you told her that your name was Jisoo.” Watch this woman be Jisoo’s mom are something 👀

“Because as Hira walked you through the lower level, hushed whispers and soft murmurs floated through the air, accompanied by occasional gasps of pleasure.” HELLAUR??? ARE THEY FR IN A BROTHEL RN💀💀💀💀💀

Desperate times call for desperate measures I guess🤷

“…meeting the eyes of individuals in various states of undress whose beauty was contrasted by the sadness in their eyes.” THIS IS SO BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN

SHUT UP THIS IS ART

THIS IS SO WELL WRITTEN??? WHAT THE ACTUAL DUCK

GOODBYE!!! Buddy this!!! thissss?!!!

-

“For the same reason you had chosen to sit by him the first night around the fire, something about Seungmin's presence made you worry just a little less.” Vocalracha stans are really being fed with this chapter sjcjvkfkfnvnms. Like this and the Jeongin focus earlier has me😻😻

I love otde Seungmin btw he’s my favourite. Like, even over Felix (well, almost).

-

“As if your feet were shackled to the ground by invisible chains that warned of the danger that came with exposing the extent of your feelings to everyone in the room.” WHY ARE YOU SUCH A GREAT WRITER WHAT THE HELL BUDDY

PLS PLS!!

“I was just...doing what needed to be done.” He answered, voice husky and low, eyes dark and inviting.”

I want to SCREAM. I always say this but the mc is sooo much stronger than me I’d have let him give me backshots against the table right then and there idc.

Like I actually do not care anymore. Sanity? Who’s she?

“He really did. It’s just that he’d narrowly missed about 17 bullets today…”

FAVOURITE LINE IN THE WHOLE CHAPTER SAVE ME PLS PLS PLSSS I LOVE THIS IT ADDS SO MUCH DESPERATION AND A FUCK IT MENTALITY UGHHH

This is so funny fhvj jjdjcbvnf

-

I AM ON LIFE SUPPORT AFTER THAT SMUT SCENE I CANNOT KEEP LIVING LIKE THIS

And then you have the AUDACITY to be like "oh I can't write smut" like gurl what do you even mean?!😂

-

Alex you are so good at naming chapters omg like the last few lines so accurately relate to the title it’s insaneee.

Also what’s going on with Hyunjin and Felix lmao. Are all these focuses on them spoilers oooh? The part where you talk about Hyunjin getting onto the bike behind him… I found that interesting. The way you took note of their proximity. Because I assume all the rebels are close and have been physically close as well multiple times. Y’all there’s a REASON behind this focus and I’m dying to know.

To end this rant, I just want to say you totally KILKED this!! The plot has so many twists and turns and the way you pace them is mind blowing. It seems I survived another episode dhfhdgd can't wait for the next chapter!! (Even though I'm definitely won't be ready🤒)

off the deep end. (05)

~(part 5) the weight of the world~

pairing: rebel!felix x reader (f)

genre: non-idol au, post-apocalypse/dystopian au. wc: 21.1k (i have no explanation for this, pls forgive me)

series rating: 18+ **minors do not interact**

chapter warnings: violent mature themes, mentions of murder/death, choking (sexual and not sexual), explicit sexual content (consensual, unprotected sex, oral sex (m receiving), fingering), breeding kink if you squint, oppressive government, fighting, weaponry (gunfire, knife use), injury, blood, language, angst!!!, please lmk if i missed any!!

a/n: thank you all so much for your continued support, i have been absolutely blown away by the kindness and interest you guys have shown for my little story :) it truly means the world to me and as always any feedback, likes, and reblogs are more appreciated than you know. i hope you enjoy.♡♡

~series masterlist~

"because time is a merciless force, far more precious than anything tangible in this world. no matter who you are, no matter where you come from, it always runs out. no matter what you do once it is gone, you will never be able to win it back."

“Don’t let me love you.”

Had he really said that?

Had he really dared to speak it into existence? 

Felix squeezed his eyes shut so tightly he saw stars behind them. Stars that reminded him of the night sky, just hours before, with your bodies intertwined on the rooftop underneath it. The steady rhythm of your breathing against his forearm as you slept. And he couldn't lie, the temptation to fall asleep next to you, to let the weariness overtake him was more than strong. Not to mention the fact that Felix was certain it might just be the best night’s sleep he would ever get. But he couldn't afford to fall asleep last night, because he knew what would happen if he didn’t wake up in time. 

And yet, Felix didn’t necessarily mind the need to stay awake. Because instead of being kept up by disturbing memories and his own tormenting thoughts that surrounded them, as was the case on most nights, he'd had something else to anchor him to consciousness last night.

You. 

Felix spent hours underneath the moonlight lightly brushing the hair from your face whenever the breeze blew it back. He traced over the faint bruises on your skin, bruises left by his fingertips, a stark contradiction to your angelic appearance. 

You may not have been an angel in the eyes of the gods above, considering that the things the two of you had done together tonight were far from pure, but you certainly were to him. In that moment, you were an angel to Felix who was everything opposite of what it meant to be one.

You were his angel. 

Another gust of wind caused you to shift even closer, seeking refuge in the warmth of his chest, and suddenly Felix was thankful that he had always been warm blooded. He pulled his jacket over you when he noticed the goosebumps decorated across your skin. The wind pushed your hair back once again, and his eyes fell to the deep purple mark on your neck. 

Another trace of his cursed touch, burned into your skin.

Stupid.

Stupid how badly he wanted them all to see it. Not just the seven boys downstairs, no, the entirety of all nine districts. He wanted them all to witness the traces he had left on your body. A selfish, dangerous desire that threatened to consume him whole.

If it were up to him, Felix would've spent the rest of eternity in last night. But time had never been a friend to Felix, and he was all too familiar with the fleeting nature of happiness. So when the morning light broke through his half-lidded eyes, he furrowed his brows. Gritting his teeth, he forced himself to slip from your arms. A soft whine escaped your lips, and he wondered if you would think he had left by choice when you woke to find him missing. He wondered if it would make you regret last night. 

Maybe it would be better if you did.

Felix unwraveled your bodies, carefully lowering your head back down against the blanket. He stood and collected your clothing, folding it and placing it into a neat pile beside your head. And then, after one final glance, his eyes lingering a little longer than they should have on your sleeping form underneath his jacket, he turned to leave. 

Because a promise made to the devil can’t be broken.

And the devil waits for no one. 

And when Felix returned from hell to find you standing inside the entrance of Yellow Wood next to Chan and Minho, he knew he wasn’t making it out of this unscathed. He knew he was done for when he felt his heartbeat quicken at the mere sight of you with his jacket in your hand and his mark on your neck, left exposed by your hair that probably still had his scent in it.

Don’t let me love you. 

Perhaps his words hadn’t really been meant for you at all. Perhaps they had been a desperate plea to some higher power above that he’d never even been given the chance to believe in. 

Perhaps they had been meant for himself, instead. A final request before he crossed a line he was never meant to cross. Before he made choices intertwined with consequences that he couldn’t even begin to understand.

After he watched you disappear with Chan through the front doors, Felix stumbled back down the staircase, making himself comfortable with his back to the railing. The rooftop had since been occupied by Jisung, Jeongin, and Seungmin, and in all honesty he didn’t really feel like talking (or smoking whatever their chosen substance might have been today). Although he couldn’t fault them for it, considering what you were about to get yourselves into. Ever since the nine of you had returned together from the palace, there had been a shift in the atmosphere. Something unspoken between every single one of you. Fear, maybe. Apprehension, sure. That and the gut feeling that something permanent was coming. And he couldn’t blame the others for wanting to make the most out of every fleeting moment of normalcy they had left. 

He certainly had. Last night, with you.

You weren’t his first, but part of him wished you had been because he'd had no idea it was supposed to feel like that. After last night, Felix was positive that he hadn’t been your first either, and he certainly knew better than to think he would be your last. Although he did like to entertain the idea of you belonging solely to him. Even if only for the remainder of your time together.

Fuck, what was wrong with him?

He crashed his head back against the railing, letting out a frustrated groan that echoed throughout the empty space. 

The time passed slowly as he waited for you to return with Chan. Somewhere in between messy thoughts that blurred the lines between reality and desire, between the way Felix wanted you and the way he knew he was never meant to have you, he drifted off into a light sleep. Slumped against the staircase, it must have been several hours before he was abruptly awakened by a shout that rang in through the open windows. 

Had it come from the backyard? 

And was it Chan’s voice? 

His eyes snapped open, his ears perked up, and he stood immediately, locking eyes with Hyunjin who rushed in from somewhere on the main floor. The two made eye contact only briefly before Chan’s muffled voice rang out once more. Felix was all too familiar with the tone it carried. He dreaded that tone, and he knew Hyunjin did too. 

Without exchanging a single word, the two crashed through the front doors. Hyunjin was faster, not by much, but enough to pull ahead of Felix and make it around the corner a few seconds earlier. And it was only when Hyunjin stopped and took a step to the side that Felix saw the reason for the distress in Chan's voice. 

His entire body went rigid. His heart stopped beating. His lungs refused to grant him another breath, and he failed to see anything other than the figure pressed to the ground in front of him. And Felix couldn't move a muscle, but he could feel you there. He wanted to look for you, to pull you in and shield you from the man at his feet. He wanted it more than anything but he just couldn’t bring his body to move. As if his muscles had been paralyzed by something far more wicked than fear, because he knew why the man had followed him here. After all, their meeting earlier hadn’t exactly gone as planned. And if he was being honest, Felix had known for a while that this was coming. 

Or at least, he should have known. He should have known better than to let his guard down, even for a second. For fucks sake he should have known better. Its just that he'd thought, he’d hoped, that if the group left for Miroh soon then it wouldn’t matter. Because by the time the man came for him, the nine of you would be long gone.

But time had never been a friend to Felix. 

As his mind raced with worry and regret, Felix was suddenly ripped from his trance when, out of the corner of his eye, he registered you standing in front of him. Before he knew it your hand was against his cheek. Your touch was tender, the skin of your palm impossibly soft, unlike his own calloused hands. A stark reminder of the differences in the lives you had lived. 

You whispered something to him, a single word, and it didn’t even matter that he couldn’t register what it was. Because just as if you had thrown him a lifeline, Felix was freed from the restraints of fear. Finally able to move again, he wasted no time in shifting his gaze down to meet your own.

But it only made things worse. 

Catastrophically. Worse.

Because when Felix met your eyes he was forced to confront the fact that it wasn’t his own life he was afraid for. He could handle the thought of himself being destined for some kind of horrible fate. He’d come to terms with it years ago, long before he had ever met any of the others.

But not you.

The thought of you being dragged into the same poisonous web that he was caught in filled him with a dread so profound it was as if a physical weight was pressing on his chest.

So he decided in that moment that he would sacrifice himself a thousand times over to keep you safe. The world could destroy him, the man at your feet could drag him back to hell, but Felix would not let the devil lay his hands on you.

And so, after the argument with Chan and Minho regarding whether or not to let the man live, an argument that he couldn’t have cared less about because he’d already made up his mind, Felix knew exactly what he had to do. With every once of determination left in his body, he forced his legs to take him outside. To the backyard, where he told Jisung that he had been instructed to keep watch next. And of course Jisung believed him, because he would have no reason to suspect that the stranger tied to the tree wasn’t really a “stranger” to Felix after all. 

As soon as Jisung disappeared around the corner, Felix crouched down. He assumed the most threatening expression he could manage, devoid of anything but pure venomous hatred, which was more than easy to do. He steadied himself, steadied his breathing so that his voice wouldn't come out shaky. 

And then, Felix proposed a deal with the devil. 

He would set the man free. Untie the ropes that bound him, toss the gun aside, and go back with him willingly. 

And the man was more than eager to accept his proposal, however, what Felix hadn’t realized is that he had come to Yellow Wood without any intent to bring Felix back alive. 

And so after the gun was cast into the woods, and the ropes were untied, within seconds his hands had found their way to Felix’s throat. They clamped down with a merciless grip, forcing Felix to come face-to-face with another crucial decision. 

Even if he somehow managed to break free from the man's grasp, which seemed increasingly less likely with every passing second as his vision began to fade and he lost feeling in his fingertips, Felix knew that it wouldn't matter. Because if he lived tonight, then the man would be back tomorrow, and the next day, and every day after. He would bring the rest of the ghosts from Felix's past and they would never stop looking for him. Which meant that they would never stop looking for you. And for Chan, and Hyunjin, and the rest of the boys. Such a small handful of lives, and yet they were the only thing that mattered at all to Felix in this world. Seven, no eight precious, precious lives that he cherished far more than his own.

And so he slowly loosened his grip around the hands at his throat, granting them permission to press further into his windpipe. Because if Felix gave the man what he wanted tonight, then he would have no reason to return. He would have no reason to come after you, or to learn the truth about who you really were and what you really meant to Felix. And you, and Chan, and the others would have one less obstacle to face. You would be free to save the world just as Felix knew you could, and you certainly didn’t need him to do it.

And as his consciousness wavered, Felix was certain that it must have been due to oxygen loss when his eyes lulled open and he saw you standing over him, outlined by silver moonlight. If angels really did exist, then surely he had been right to think that you were one. Sent to take him somewhere far away that he could finally rest his tired eyes and numb his mind.

It was only after the cool air flooded back into his lungs and he regained consciousness that Felix realized the vision of you standing before him hadn’t been a figment of his imagination or a heavenly apparition at all. That it really was you, in the flesh. Tangible and real. Vulnerable and terrified. 

With a bloody knife in one of your hands, and his beating heart in the other. 

“So let me get this straight. You’re saying that he just freed himself?” Chan's voice overflowed with skepticism as he stared at Felix with a narrow, unwavering gaze.

Shadows cast by the setting sun had overtaken the world once again, including the forest to your back that had lost all of its earlier charm. You stood shielded behind Felix while he attempted to explain to Chan and the others why there was a dead body at your feet. 

“Bullshit. I tied those knots so tightly he couldn’t even move," Changbin interjected, crossing his arms where he stood next to Chan. 

And you remained silent, despite the fact that you had your own doubts about Felix’s explanation of the events leading up to the man’s escape. Even if you hadn’t witnessed anything prior to walking in on the stranger with his hands around his neck, his life hanging on by a thread, you knew he was lying. The way his eyebrow twitched slightly when he spoke, how he hadn't looked up from his feet since the others had joined you outside. And Changbin was right, the man wouldn’t have been able to slip out of the knots he'd tied. The mere suggestion that he had freed himself sounded quite ridiculous, actually, and the very thought caused your anger to return at full force. 

Because why the hell would Felix have released him willingly?

“Does it even matter how he got out? He’s dead. He deserved it anyway,” Minho huffed, stepping up beside Chan. 

“That’s not the point," Chan shook his head in frustration, "if we go around killing people, no matter who they are or what they deserve, then we aren’t any better than those in power now.”

Those in power now.

As in your father, casting his own shadow on the conversation. A constant reminder that, whether you wanted to acknowledge it or not, he was still a part of your life. And he always would be. His presence would persist, his ghost would follow you wherever you went, until he was removed from this world for good. Permanently.

Chan sighed, low and heavy, in an obvious attempt to control his anger.

“Fine, Felix. Let's say that he did somehow manage to free himself, although I hope you realize how absurd that sounds-” 

It does. He knows.

"It still doesn’t explain how he ended up like that.”

He gestured to the body that lie motionless on the ground, and you braced yourself, preparing to face the moment you had been dreading. The fragile trust that you'd begun to build with some of the boys—Chan, Jisung, Seungmin, maybe even Jeongin too—was about to blow to pieces. Your actions would expose the darker side of yourself that you longed to bury, the part that mirrored the ruthless monster that had brought you into this world. Even if you had acted to protect Felix, it didn’t erase the fact that you’d taken a man’s life when you could have chosen to injure him instead. Not that they would have known that, but a stab to the back so deep that it went all the way through to the chest didn’t exactly come across as self defense.

Your heart pounded in your ears, your palms became sweaty, and you could hardly stand the silence as their eyes bore into you, looking through you. So you went to take a step around Felix. You opened your mouth but before you could gather the courage to confess, the freckled boy intercepted your movement, blocking your path.

“What do you think happened?" He spoke firmly, matter-of-factly, with a hint of irritation laced in between words, "He came after us.” 

All eyes suddenly fell to Felix and you closed your own, waiting for him to continue. To seal your fate by exposing to them what you had done. But to your surprise, that moment never came. 

“He came after us, so I killed him."

I killed him. 

I.

His sudden revelation caught you off guard, and because you were actually physically stunned, it took several moments for you to conceal the astonishment that had fallen across your face. When you turned to look at him he remained stoic, resolute, as he avoided your inquiring eyes.

Why would he take the fall?

Maybe it was best to let him. 

Chan observed the exchange between you and Felix, he studied it, before landing his eyes on you. A lump formed in your throat and you swallowed hard, searching for the strength to meet his eyes. With a slight nod, you confirmed Felix’s lie. Chan didn’t know you like he knew Felix, which meant he couldn’t read you as well. And you hated how easy it had always been for you to lie. Just another trait inherited from your father, another reminder of the darkness that flowed within your veins.

Chan turned around slowly to face the others, and you couldn’t help but feel a small pang of regret at your decision to allow Felix to take the blame. You didn’t want to lie to any of them, especially not Chan, but in that moment you were more than thankful for the temporary escape from the consequences of your actions. Whatever they may have been.

“We need to get rid of the body before morning. In case any of them come back,” Chan spoke with authority as he addressed the group. 

Minho and Changbin came forward immediately, and you took a few steps out of their way. As they reached down to lift the body, Chan instructed Hyunjin to find something they could use to dig. 

“Everyone else get inside. We leave tomorrow for Miroh. We’ll load the supplies in the morning, so just get some rest. Pack your things, and bring it all….in case..." He trailed off because there was no need to finish the sentence. His unspoken words hung heavy in the air. 

In case we don’t make it back.

With solemn expressions, the group dispersed, footsteps muffled by the earth beneath their feet. Jeongin trailed behind Seungmin and Jisung as they moved quickly toward the building. Casting one more inquisitive glare between you and Felix, Chan joined Minho and Changbin in carrying the body.

Felix was the first one inside after his hurried footsteps had taken him to the front of the group, and you had a feeling you knew just where he was headed when he hastily climbed the staircase, hands in his pockets. Jisung hesitated a moment, looking back to you as if he wanted to say something before ultimately deciding against it. With a tender glance in your direction, one that made you think he might have wanted you to follow him, he wandered off into the main floor. Jeongin leaned in and whispered something to Seungmin who hushed him as the two followed each other up the staircase. At the top, they walked off in the opposite direction that Felix had taken. 

And there you were, left standing alone with a choice to make. 

Beyond drained at this point, both physically and mentally, you probably could have collapsed right there in the entryway. Or maybe you could claim one of the many empty rooms upstairs. There were certainly enough options to find a secluded place for yourself, and yet, despite how frustrated you were with Felix, despite your anger at him for the events that had unfolded tonight, part of you desperately longed to be by his side. After all, you were the only one that knew just how close he had come to death.

And so the choice became an easy decision.

As you ascended the staircase, you traced the railing with your hand. Every step you took down the hallway, every rung on the ladder you climbed, brought you back to last night. Impossible to ignore the way that you could literally feel yourself there, just twenty four hours before. And it might have been surprising, how much could change in a single day, if the course of your entire life hadn’t been turned upside down over and over again in the span of less than a month.

Grabbing onto the final rung of the ladder, you weren’t even sure if you wanted to find him there on the other side. Its not like you had any desire to talk about what had happened tonight. There was just something indescribable that compelled you to be next to him now, overpowering any hesitation that might have crossed your mind.

After pulling yourself up onto the rooftop, your heart sank when your eyes fell to the shadowy figure with his back turned to you, lying on the harsh ground with his dark hair splayed out against the hoodie that he used as a makeshift pillow. The thin blankets lie untouched next to him, almost making it seem as though he’d left them there on purpose, as if he had been expecting someone to join him. You stared at his back for a moment, picturing the faded scar that lie across his shoulder underneath the thin material of his shirt. 

You weren’t sure if he was asleep at first, and when he stirred you froze, debating on whether or not you had time to leave before he turned around. But he didn’t move any further and after a moment of silence, eyes trained on his steady figure, you took a few tentative steps. As quietly as you could, you crossed the still air over fallen leaves and thick vines that stretched along the rooftop ground. After lowering yourself to sit beside him on the blankets, you glanced down at his profile, illuminated by the moon. Plush lips parted ever so slightly, his features cascaded down into a gentle frown even in his sleep. You hovered a hand over his face before lightly brushing the hair from it. After a moment longer, you decided to stay, settling down on the blankets with your back against his. 

Just a short time ago, you might have allowed yourself to succumb to tears. Tears of frustration, fear, grief. Grief for the version of yourself that you had lost tonight. Frustration at the freckled boy with the stars in his eyes, and the debilitating fear that washed over you when you thought you really were going to lose him. But you had changed so much in such a short span of time. You could feel yourself growing numb to the pull of your emotions as they became easier and easier to ignore. So holding back the tears, you kept your eyes open for as long as you could until exhaustion began to outweigh the images in your mind of a dead body at your feet and your mothers knife, bloody in your hands.

After ten minutes, maybe twenty, maybe an hour, you felt a warm hand snake around your waist, lifting you from your blissful state of semi-consciousness. You remained still and kept your eyes closed because if it was a dream then you would have given anything to stay asleep just a little longer. When the grip around your waist tightened, pulling you into a protective embrace, you were almost certain that it was a dream. Nothing more than a fragment of your imagination as your subconscious longed for some form of comfort.  And just as you began to slip back into the welcoming darkness, you could have sworn that the tone carried by the wind sounded a lot like the voice your ears had come to crave.

“I’m sorry, princess.”

It was the last thing you remembered from that night as you allowed his words to fade into nothing, still questioning if he had really said them at all.

The moon never stayed for very long. 

When you woke the following morning, it was barely morning at all. The faded glow of dawn struggled to find its way through the clouds, casting familiar shades of gray across the sky above. Your eyes fluttered open to momentary disorientation, wondering where you were and why you hadn’t been met with the walls of your bedroom, but it took only seconds for your memory to return. Flooding back as you became aware of the strong arms wrapped tightly around your body, the warm breath grazing against the back of your neck.

In another world, far away from the one you had always known, you might have turned around his embrace. Repositioning yourself to face him, you might have taken the entire morning to memorize every detail of his delicate features. Might have stayed there all day with him on the rooftop, entangled in each other as if you were the only two souls left in existence. 

In another life, you might have leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips before drifting back off to sleep beside him. Warm, protected, safe, and entirely at ease. Because you wouldn't have a past to run from or a burden the size of the world on your shoulders. You wouldn't have been reminded of last night when you sat up and made note of the red mark etched across his neck. 

In another life, it wouldn't have been there at all. 

You winced as you turned away, deciding that you needed to get away, before tempting yourself with one more second alone with him like this. And so with a heavy heart, you resisted the urge to crawl back into the embrace that felt a little too much like the home you had never known. 

Shivering slightly when the cool breeze hit your skin, you ran your hands through your hair, ignoring the emptiness in your stomach and the thirst on your tongue. You rubbed the sleep from your eyes, but it wasn't enough to erase the images burned into your memory from last night. You wondered if anything ever would be.

When you put a hand on the ground to push yourself up to stand, you froze. Stopped by an insistent force holding you back, preventing you from moving even an inch further. You glanced down at the determined hand clasped around your wrist. Firm, but gentle all the same. 

Silver rings against calloused fingers. 

You traced the intricate details of the bands with your eyes, considering the offer they represented, but you couldn’t accept. You couldn’t stay, no matter how desperately you wanted to. If you had to sleep next to him every single night for the rest of your time spent together to ensure his safety, then so be it. But you would always make sure to leave in the morning. Because you couldn’t afford to offer him anything more than that. You’d done more than enough damage to the both of you two nights ago by allowing yourself to succumb to such primitive, selfish desires. And it scared you, no no it absolutely terrified you, to feel the way you did last night as you watched the life drain from his eyes.

And so in one harsh movement you withdrew your wrist from his grasp. 

He didn't say anything. Not when you stood. Not when you found the ladder and took hold of the first rung. He didn’t call out for you, and you didn’t look back.

After making it inside, you allowed yourself a moment of solitude as you passed by the rooms that stretched along the hallway. Most were empty, although you did stumble upon Jeongin and Seungmin fast asleep in one. Jeongin seemed to have claimed the entire space for himself as he lay sprawled out with an elbow in Seungmin's face. The sight caused a smile to tug at your lips, almost enough to distract you from the uneasiness that had found a permanent place in your chest.

Almost.

It didn’t take long for you to come to the conclusion that you could have spent forever within the walls of Yellow Wood. Surrounded by the remnants of a past that had long been forgotten, just like the souls who had left them behind. Shelves that stood hardly intact were lined by books, with many of their pages loosely scattered across the ground. You wondered what secrets they held, and as you continued on you wondered what secrets each of the boys had made inside the walls of Yellow Wood. Cherished memories, favorite places to hide, where they went to be alone when it all became too much. 

When you reached the main floor you found your way to the room that you had been locked outside of last night with Hyunjin. Where Minho and Chan had argued about the fate of the intruder..before you solidified the decision for them.

The door was open, and when you entered you found Chan alone inside. He was leaned over a long table in the middle of the room, hands resting on the surface. A number of documents lay scattered in front of him. One particularly large sheet stretched nearly the entire length of the table, curling at the edges. It appeared to be a map, and you made note of your fathers journal where it lay open on top of it amidst the chaos. A small candle that was no longer necessary lie on the surface of the table, nearly burned through.

When you found your place at his side, Chan handed you a small canteen. You gladly took him up on the offer, putting it to your lips and taking a few sizable gulps, and it wasn’t until the lukewarm liquid trickled down your throat that you realized it had been sore. The water tasted stale, at best, and anyone from the palace would have spit it out in an instant. But you liked the taste. It helped to ground you, reminding you where you were and what lie outside the walls that surrounded you now.

“Didn’t sleep?” You turned to face Chan, who had circles so dark underneath his eyes it looked as if it had been a lot longer than just one night since he had gotten any sort of rest. And rightfully so, because while you might have assumed the weight of the world on your shoulders only recently, Chan had been carrying that burden for far longer. 

“Couldn’t,” he responded without looking up from the table, squinting as his eyes remained fixed on the pages strewn about beneath him. You reached a hand out to move some of them around, and he straightened his posture before turning and unraveling something from a cloth at his side.

"This is yours, yeah?"

Your gaze dropped to the knife in his hand as he held it out to you. Your knife, your mother's knife, that you had carried with you for as long as you could remember. The knife that you’d left lying in the grass last night after using it to end a life. You took it from him without a word, tracing your thumb along the intricate floral design carved into the handle. Making note of the dried blood that saturated the blade. 

"Want to tell me the truth about what happened last night?"

Your eyes fell back to the table as you slid the knife into its usual place in your waistband and took your bottom lip in between your teeth. Chan studied your face for a moment before coming to the conclusion that no matter how much he pried, you weren’t going to give him what he wanted. With a sigh, not wanting to push you too far because of the fragile nature of your developing relationship, he brought a hand to his forehead where he pressed a few fingers against his temple.

“Look, y/n I get it. I don’t know what happened and you don’t have to tell me now if you’re not ready. Just remember that if we’re going to have any chance out there then we need to trust each other. Completely.”

Tell that to the others. 

You nodded without looking up from the table and after a moment, he spoke again.

“Recognize this?” He pointed to your father's journal and you nodded for a second time. The map that lie underneath it resembled the map on the wall in your fathers study, although the one in front of you now was far less detailed. 

He must have taken note of the way it caught your attention, brushing some of the papers away to expose it further.

“We’re familiar with the inner districts, but anything beyond is pretty much unknown. We haven't been outside of six in years."

He picked up a loose sheet of paper from the table and looked it over before handing it out to you.

You recognized the words on the page. You had seen them before. Scribbled on the missing pages of your fathers journal, and you could only assume that Chan had been smart enough to jot down the contents before handing them back over to you to return to your father’s study. When you looked up from the page he pointed to a spot near the edge of the map and your eyes followed. 

"Here."

He tapped his finger against it once.

"If this is all correct, then it should be right here..” 

"Miroh." You whispered underneath your breath, and he hummed in agreement beside you. 

"And we are..." He lifted his finger back up and brought it to the opposite side of the map, closest to where you stood. He picked up a short wooden pencil and drew a line loosely connecting the two points, and suddenly you understood why he hadn't slept. 

Because it wasn't going to be an easy journey to get to the supposed location of Miroh from your current position in District 6. It wouldn’t be as simple as turning around and heading behind you. As the districts were arranged in concentric rings, reaching Miroh where it lie at the border between Districts 1 and 2 meant that you would have a choice to make, with several possible paths laid out in front of you. 

"So we either...." you trailed off, tracing the thin line he had drawn over and over again with your eyes. 

“Move straight ahead and cross back through District nine”, he finished your sentence and you swallowed dryly at the mention of your former residence, “or we take a longer route, we stay in six and trace it around until we spit out on the opposite side of nine. And then we head straight back into the outer districts that way. Of course, the biggest problem with taking the longer route is..." 

He took a swig from the canteen, and you took the liberty of finishing his sentence for him this time.

“Fuel."

He gave you a confirming nod. "Fuel. Fuel and supplies..among other things.”

So it was a choice between the lesser of two evils, really. 

Heading back into the heart of District 9, swarming with your father and his guards, meant certain death for every single one of the boys if you got caught. Then again, tracing along the border of District 6 raised concerns regarding fuel, supplies, and prolonged time spent in the unknown. 

Visually displayed out in front of you like this, it all seemed so much further away.

Together, the two of you spent the better part of the morning trying to come up with the best route to take, relying heavily on your knowledge of your fathers favored routes and Chan's experience in the districts. You sat at the edge of the table tracing out the routes that you knew your father and his army frequented. Information you had gained over time from eavesdropping in on important conversations and studying the maps in his office. 

As time passed, the rest of the boys began to trickle in. Minho and Jisung came in first together, followed by Changbin, and before long you were surrounded by seven familiar faces. 

All except for one. 

It quickly became apparent that the amount of fuel you'd managed to obtain from the palace wouldn’t be enough to get you to Miroh and back. Minho expressed concern about whether or not it would even be enough to get you there in the first place, but he didn’t say anything further when Chan reminded him that the best option to save fuel would be to cross straight through the heart of District 9 at the start of your journey. Which you had all collectively agreed was not an option. 

You suggested heading inward, following inside District 7 or 8 instead of 6, but Chan was worried that it would still be too close to your father, and that people there would know your face by now, and he was probably right. Changbin suggested heading into the outer districts from the start, beginning with 5 and so on, but Chan shut down that idea too.

Your apprehension grew with every passing moment as the boys offered each of their opinions. A slight adjustment had to be made when Jisung reminded Chan of the brief encounter where he and Seungmin had come across the supposedly abandoned shack with the liquor stash, and he’d almost “had his dick shot off” by the owner. Chan rolled his eyes as he erased that part of the route. 

“What about this,” you reached for the pencil and he placed it in your palm. You traced a faint line the opposite direction. 

“-Not if you plan on making it alive.”

The pencil slipped from your grasp as your head shot up in the direction of the door. It was a natural response to sound of the voice that had become one of the only constants in your life since finding out the truth about the world. The voice with the bittersweet allure that you both longed to hear and wished you never would have known, as it brought out emotions that you only hoped would remain buried forever. Emotions that rendered you vulnerable, weak.

Felix stood in the doorway, leaned against the frame with black strands of hair cascading down into his face. Jawline sharp, arms crossed, dark eyes heavy set. The room fell silent as tension creeped back into the air. Tension that lingered from last night, as you were fairly certain they all suspected that he hadn’t told the full truth about what had happened. Or perhaps it was tension that lingered between the two of you, after you left him on the rooftop this morning following your breakdown in front of him last night. Either way, his sudden presence only magnified the strain in the air. 

He lifted himself from the frame and stepped out into grey light that filtered in through cracked windows. He took a few purposeful steps and you held your breath momentarily when he passed behind you, lightly brushing against your back. There wasn’t much space at all for him to squeeze in between you and Chan, but he made it work, and you forced your eyes to look anywhere other than his arms as his muscles flexed when he leaned over the table. 

“Anywhere but there,” he emphasized, while you stared at the wall over Jeongin’s shoulder. You watched out of the corner of your eye as Felix erased the line you had just drawn, using the other end of the pencil to create a new one. 

And with that, the path to Miroh was solidified. You would follow District 6 around, avoiding the inner districts at all costs, until you reached the point where it would be a straight shot back to Miroh. 

When Chan folded the map, a sinking feeling settled in the pit of your stomach as the solidification of a route made the daunting journey ahead that much more real. Not to mention the fact that the distance to reach your destination seemed far greater and more vigorous than you had originally pictured in your mind. 

Despite your uncertainty about the future, one thing had become clear through your time spent planning a route.

The unspoken bond between the boys.

It made you long for whatever it was they shared, the unity that propelled them forward as a team. And not a single one of them had brought up the fact that what you were about to do was insane. 

Which it was.

It absolutely was.

The air outside hung heavy with an eery stillness. The world lie motionless as if it was waiting, watching.

In silence you helped the boys hurriedly load the rover with everything that would fit, throwing bags in through the open roof or the open frame and onto the seats. 

Apprehension wove its way deeper into your veins as you glanced over your lifeline of miscellaneous supplies. If Chan was right, if Miroh wasn’t a myth and your fathers journal held the truth on how to reach it, if your blood really was the key that would get you inside, then there would be enough provisions there to keep you alive until you were able to come up with the next part of your plan.  

But if one tiny detail went wrong along the way, if you experienced even the slightest disruption among countless unknowns and potential threats…well it didn't really matter, did it? Because it was a risk that at this point, none of you really had much choice but to take. 

After heaving a particularly heavy bag into the vehicle, you wiped the sweat from your brow and looked up to see Minho stepping out of the building with a small black duffel bag slung around his shoulder, his arms piled high with what appeared to be very basic medical supplies. You took a step back as he approached the side of the vehicle. When he went to toss everything inside, a roll of gauze slipped from his grasp and you kneeled to pick it up, handing it out to him. As he reached for it your eyes fell to a thin bracelet around his wrist that looked as if it had been crafted from a very fine, expensive material commonly used to make accessories in District 9. The bracelet must have held significant meaning for him to have left it on, considering the fact that wearing such an item outside of the Inner Circle would make him a target for anyone looking to make a considerable profit.

When you glanced up your eyes met briefly before he turned away. 

“There's more supplies inside,” he grumbled, pulling his sleeve back down before heading in the direction of the building.

Ever since you’d found out the truth about Minho, maybe because you felt some sort of estranged connection to the way his past vaguely mirrored your own, curiosity tugged at your thoughts whenever you saw him. 

Why had he left District 9? 

Was he driven by similar reasons as you? Or had different motives fueled his choice to leave behind a lifestyle of comfort and safety. Maybe it hadn’t been a choice for Minho at all. Either way, whatever it was, you didn’t have much confidence that you'd ever get to find out because despite your similarities, his resentment for you ran deep. That much was clear.

After the supplies were packed tightly into the vehicle, the boys ran back inside to collect the last of their belongings. All except for Changbin, who remained outside with you because he "didn't have anything worth bringing, anyway.”  His powerful demeanor held a hint of uneasiness that mirrored your own doubts.

As the two of you stood in silence, you glanced down at the small backpack in your hand, realizing that in your panic to gather essential supplies for the group you’d managed to neglect your own needs. It contained only a handful of your own clothes, and you wished you would have taken the time to pack at least one more pair of pants or maybe a sweater. Something a little warmer than the light jacket you sported now because of the unpredictable nature of the weather. But you'd only been given so much time and weapons and food were far more important than your own comfort in the bigger picture.

With a deep breath you adjusted the straps of the backpack and put your arms through, securing it to your back.

After the vehicle was topped off with fuel, a moment of stillness settled over the group as the nine of you stood in front of Yellow Wood. Your eyes shifted between the boys, taking in the faces of the only individuals in the world you would have no choice but to trust from this moment on.

When your gaze fell to Felix, you were surprised to find his piercing brown eyes already staring back. It was a fleeting moment, a stolen glance lasting no longer than a few seconds, but it caused your heart to ache nonetheless. Because in his eyes you detected something bordering along the lines of a plea for understanding. Almost as if he’d recognized the gravity of what he had done last night, and the choice it had resulted in you having to make. 

And yet, your disappointment and frustration with him lingered because last night had left you even more conflicted about your feelings for him than the first night you shared together on the rooftop. It wouldn’t be easy to forget the fear that gripped you the moment you turned the corner and saw the stranger with his hands wrapped tightly around his throat. It would be even harder to dismiss the overwhelming relief that flooded your veins when you found your way back into his arms.

A stolen glance turned into a battlefield of emotions. And you had no intention of losing the war.

Ripping your eyes from Felix, you took one more glance at the building that towered above you. Chan brought everyone back to the present moment when he announced that he was going to run back inside to grab one last thing he had forgotten. 

This prompted the rest of boys to begin piling into the rover, with Jeongin and Seungmin first to take their place in the very back amongst the supplies. You trailed Felix with your eyes as he disappeared around the corner of the building, returning only moments later atop the bike, revving the engine and commanding your attention as if it didn't already belong to him. The trace of softness in his eyes had been replaced by ready determination. He brushed his hair back, revealing the sharp features of his face as he tied the signature bandana around the lower half. When you took a few steps in his direction, he looked to you with unspoken expectation that you would join him on the bike as it had become something of a routine between the two of you.

But this time, something within you resisted. 

The freckled boy had a blatant, persistent disregard for his own life. Something that you weren't willing to let go of just yet, despite the fact that you weren’t willing to acknowledge why it bothered you to the extent that it did. 

But it did. 

With every fiber of your being, it did.

So instead of taking your usual place behind him, you crossed right in front of the bike, stepping up to the rover where Jisung was seated in the middle row next to Changbin. You stole a quick glance back at Felix where you found his stare fixed straight ahead, refusing to meet your eyes. 

Minho, who had been watching your calculated actions, snickered from his place in the passengers seat. 

You put a hand against the open frame of the vehicle and pulled yourself up, glancing between Jisung and the empty seat beside him.

"Thats Hyunjin's spot, but you're more than welcome to take it," he smirked playfully as the taller golden haired boy approached the vehicle behind you. 

You shrugged and plopped down next to Jisung. Hyunjin glared at you before surveying the space inside the vehicle. After coming to the conclusion that there wasn't enough room for him amongst the supplies, he sauntered over to Felix who now had his hands clenched tightly around the handles of the bike, posture rigid, as he continued to stare ahead at nothing in particular.

Hyunjin swung a long leg around the bike behind Felix, and something unexpected fell over you when he wrapped his arms around the younger boy's waist. The feeling grew when your intuition told you that it wasn't the first time the two of them had been this close. 

When Chan came running back outside, the heavy doors to Yellow Wood slammed shut behind him for the final time, demanding your attention. He took a quick glance between you and Felix, taking note of the peculiar seating arrangement before handing something out to you.

“I knew we had one more lying around somewhere."

You reached for it, running the soft fabric of the bandana through your fingertips. It matched those that the others had worn the night of raid, the ones that each of them had begun to tie around their faces now.

"Put it on, and don't take it off for anyone. Pull your hood up and tuck your hair in too." He spoke firmly, with no room for negotiation. Not that you would have argued anyway. You were well aware that concealing your identity was just as important as making it to Miroh.

You offered up a simple “got it" in return, acknowledging his instruction.

Satisfied with your response, Chan hopped into the driver's seat in front of you where he proceeded to secure his own bandana around his face. You watched from your position as he glanced down to Felix. 

"We stay together, Felix, I mean it. Don't do anything stupid,” he emphasized. “If you see any of them out there we handle it together. Like we always do."

Them.

Including not only your father and his army, but the monsters from Felix's past, however many more of them there may be. And you couldn’t help but wonder just how many additional enemies the boys had made out there—enemies that were now yours too, by default. With Chan’s warning, the possibility of separation also creeped in to your mind. The mere thought of someone discovering your true identity sent shivers racing down your spine because the consequences could mean forced separation from the entire group, including the freckled boy staring at you now.

You took a deep breath as the engines roared to life. With one final glance to Felix you had the sudden urge to explain to him that your decision to avoid joining him on the bike was nothing more than a desperate attempt to protect him from the danger that was now inevitable for anyone who came too close to you.

You’d made a promise, after all. 

Don’t let me love you. 

Your fleeting regret was swallowed by your world falling to pieces again as Chan stepped on the gas pedal and the vehicle jolted forward. You lifted your arms behind your head and tied the bandana around the lower half of your face. In the rearview mirror, you watched as Yellow Wood disappeared behind you, keeping a part of your innocence with it. Buried somewhere with the body in the backyard. 

Even if you never laid eyes on it again, you would be forever thankful that it had allowed you one night of euphoric ignorance before taking the plunge into the unknown. Even if that ignorance had ben ripped from your fingers the moment you thrust your knife into the back of a stranger. You just hoped your memories of the night on the rooftop with Felix would be strong enough to distract you from whatever darkness lie ahead. Yellow Wood wasn't good or evil, it was a place. Nothing more than a temporary refuge that had served its purpose for those who had known it lifetimes ago, for eight boys who called it home when they didn’t have anywhere else to go, and for you in your short time spent sheltered inside its walls. 

Nothing more, and yet, the loss tugged at your heart as you watched it slip away.

But it certainly wasn't the first time you'd felt this way. And so you decided that maybe there is always a part of yourself left behind when you leave a place permanently, with a gut feeling that you'll never make it back.  

You pulled the hood up as the vehicle raced through the trees and down the hill. You leaned your head back against the seat while the wind whipped through the open frame against your face. With half-lidded eyes, you kept a steady gaze on the motorcycle in front, allowing your shoulder to rest against Jisung's. Partly due to the cramped space, but more so because you were vulnerable, and scared, and desperate for any form of comfort. 

Like Felix who's own touch you had begun to crave in moments like this, Jisung’s touch was comforting too, just, in a different way. And if you were being honest, in that moment it did little to ease your nerves. But you kept your shoulder pressed firmly against his nonetheless, digging your nails into your palms, counting the minutes in your head. 

Before you left, Chan informed you that District 6 was often considered as a kind of physical border between the inner and outer districts. He had also warned you about the unpredictable nature of its atmosphere, and it didn’t take long for you to realize just how right he had been. The air that surrounded you now only magnified the feeling of lifelessness amidst the desolate landscape. 

As you ventured further into the outskirts of District 6, once abundant grass gave way to a predominantly barren expanse. With very sparse patches of green, it was a stark contrast to the forest that surrounded Yellow Wood and the thicker vegetation that you were used to seeing deep within District 9. The breeze was cold but the air was stuffy. And it smelled like mortality, and death, and loss, as if even the earth beneath your feet longed to be brought back to life. The atmosphere around you hung low and heavy with a palpable weight. A mixture of smoke, ash, and decay collected against your skin, wrapping you in a suffocating hold. It was smothering and seemed to fall in waves, alternating between thick pockets of dense fog and areas of cleaner air where you took every opportunity to fill your lungs. Each breath you inhaled caused you to cough, and it didn’t take long for the soreness to return to your throat as the pollution in the air left a bitter taste in your mouth. You figured the boys must have been used to the toxicity and the way it clawed at your lungs because although they cleared their throats frequently, they were nowhere near as affected as you. 

Felix looked back in the direction of the rover periodically and you met his gaze every single time. Scanning his face for any hint of distress, hoping he wasn't able to sense your own discomfort. Occasionally, his eyes flicked behind him to Hyunjin before returning ahead. 

When you came up upon a particularly dense patch of haze covering the earth ahead, Felix slowed the bike and looked to Chan for direction. After quick assessment of the situation, Chan brought a hand up, signaling to Felix to keep moving forward. You gritted your teeth, shifting uncomfortably next to Jisung, and after another quick glance your way Felix took the lead once again. The roar of the bike’s engine echoed throughout the silence in the air when he accelerated.

When the air around you turned heavy and your incessant coughing resumed, Jisung decided he’d had enough of your suffering. He turned you into his shoulder and pulled the hood higher up over your head so that you could breathe into his shirt. You stayed like that for a while, burying your face further into him despite the fact that you didn’t like not having eyes on the horizon or more specifically, the motorcycle up ahead. But you didn’t have much of a choice as taking slow, deliberate breaths through the fabric of his shirt acted like a filter, bringing a significant amount of relief to your aching lungs. 

As the moments passed, it felt increasingly foreign to share such an intimate moment with someone other than Felix. Not that you were comfortable with him yet by any means, you had never really been comfortable with anyone that wasn’t Jisoo, but part of you wished it was him that you were clinging to instead. And even if you couldn't deny the importance of the bond you were beginning to form with Jisung, somewhere buried deep down, a very selfish part of you wished it was Felix instead. 

The rover tore up the ground as it moved and when the atmosphere thinned around you once again, Jisung tapped your shoulder lightly.

Slowly, you lifted your head to meet his eyes. 

“You good?” he called out, raising his voice to compete with the sound of the engine.

Your head was beginning to throb, you felt more than a little dizzy, and with every bump the rover came across your stomach churned violently, but you managed to give him a soft nod in return. Keeping the bike in your peripherals, you locked eyes with Chan in the rearview mirror. He studied your face for a moment before leaning over and shouting something to Minho that was inaudible to you over the roar of the engine.

Minho pushed the heavy gun in his lap to the side as he bent down to grab something from the floor in front of him, coming back up with a canteen in his hand. 

When he turned around and handed it out to you you could have sworn that you saw the faintest glimmer of sympathy in his eyes. Although you quickly acknowledged that it was probably just the lack of fresh air messing with your senses….because there was no way in hell that Minho of all people gave a shit about your condition. As far as you knew, he was probably getting some sick sense of enjoyment out of your misery.

As the minutes blurred into hours and the hours blurred into each other, impossible to track when you couldn’t see the position of the sun in the sky through the clouds, the landscape began to change again before your eyes. Up ahead, the earth transformed into a gradual incline, taking the shape of a towering hill that stretched far and wide. Making note of the change in surroundings, Felix brought the bike to a temporary halt, allowing Chan to catch up once again.

The freckled boy pulled down his bandana and raised his voice, shouting over the rumble of both engines as they idled. It was difficult to hear but you managed to catch a few of his words, leading you to believe that he was suggesting that he and Hyunjin check out the area up ahead before the rest of the group. His proposition made you tense, and your heart quickened when Chan accepted, instructing Felix to stay within sight. Earning a nod from both boys in return. 

Taking note of your concern, Jisung leaned down and responded with an encouraging “They’re just going to check it out. Don’t worry, its all good,” before landing a hand on your knee and squeezing for added reassurance.

Felix tensed as he observed your interaction. And it didn't matter that he couldn't feel the warmth of the sun against his skin, because he felt searing flames rise up inside of him when he caught a glimpse of the way you looked at Jisung. Maybe he deserved to feel like this.

His heart skipped a beat when you turned from Jisung to met his own eyes. He held your stare until Chan asked for the second time what he was waiting for and he swiftly turned back around, replacing the bandana over his face.

You watched intently with the rest of the boys as the bike climbed the elevated landscape up ahead. At the top, Felix turned to Hyunjin and the two appeared to share quick word.

Felix looked back.

The motorcycle engine revved. 

“Don’t do it…” Changbin muttered from the other side of Jisung, and your grip on the edge of the seat tightened as the bike took off in the opposite direction, descending down the hill and out of your line of sight. In front of you, Chan spat out a curse before slamming the key in the ignition and restarting the engine. 

It wasn’t until the rover reached the top of the hill that you caught sight of what had captured their attention. On the other side, the earth descended into a wide valley that looked as if it might have been home to a mighty river once. It was now dry and almost entirely barren, aside from a handful of dying trees and brush. At the bottom, a small beige tent sat partially covered by faint gray smoke that rose up from a pile of dying embers at its side. You spotted Felix and Hyunjin beside it, already inspecting the seemingly abandoned campsite.

Minho leaned over to speak to Chan who you watched in the mirror, far too focused on the scene before you to respond. He gripped the steering wheel, ultimately coming to the conclusion that he had no choice but to step on the gas. He brought the rover to a stop beside the tent at the valley’s lowest point as the engine’s rumble faded into silence. 

“Nobody touch anything,” Chan warned, his eyes scanning the surroundings for any signs of hidden threats, “-and stay alert. We shouldn’t even be doing this, we need to keep moving.” 

But the boys were hungry and eager to stretch their legs, so they got out and began rummaging through the bags of supplies in search of one with food in it. Changbin pulled out a sizable gun from the back, his fingers gripping it confidently, and Minho cocked his own weapon when his feet hit the earth. Seungmin slung the bow around his shoulder and loaded an arrow, heeding Chan’s warning to stay alert. 

As soon as you dropped down from the vehicle your eyes went right to Felix who, despite his quick decision to approach the campsite, appeared visibly uneasy. His eyes scanned the area repeatedly until they landed on you at which point there was a subtle shift in his demeanor, a flicker of vulnerability in his expression. After a moment, he subtly made his way over. You noticed the slight twitch of his fingers as his gaze traveled up and down down your figure, almost as if he wanted to reach out to you, but he held himself back. 

Part of you wished that he hadn’t.

Because the vulnerable moment between the two of you was quickly shattered when Chan came storming in from behind you, shoving Felix's shoulder, causing him to stagger slightly.

“Did you not hear what I said about staying in sight?!” He exclaimed, his voice rising with every syllable that fell from his lips.

Felix steadied himself and took a step back in defense before responding, his voice tinged with a hint of defiance. “We needed to make sure it was safe, you should have stayed behind until we knew it was clear-"

“-We could have gone another way!” Chan’s words rang out as he closed the space between them again.

“There isn’t time!" Minho interjected, hurrying over and positioning himself between the two, firmly reminding Chan to keep his voice down.

The group behind you fell silent as they witnessed the exchange. And Minho wasn't exactly wrong. After all, the campsite did appear to be abandoned and to completely avoid it would have taken more time, more fuel, more risk in changing the route. Although that didn’t necessarily imply the need to come down and inspect it up close..

"Fucking reckless. Both of you." Chan shook his head at Felix and Hyunjin before turning around to address the group as a whole. “Let’s just get the hell out of here. We can find somewhere else to stop and rest after the sun goes down,” he continued. 

And because the unsettling scene before you made your skin crawl, you were more than eager to oblige.

You went to take a step in the direction of the rover when your foot caught on something, causing you to stumble and collide into Hyunjin at your side. You looked up at him with wide eyes, lifting your hands from his firm chest, bracing yourself for a particularly unpleasant reaction, but you were surprised to find his gaze fixated on the ground behind you instead. Following his stare, you spun around where your eyes landed on something at your feet. 

A small gold medallion lay nestled in the grass. You bent down to pick it up and your stomach twisted sickly as you ran your thumb across the surface to wipe off the dirt.

There, in your palm, engraved on the medallion lie your family crest.

The sight sent a shockwave throughout your body as you staggered backward, dropping the medallion, and clutching your chest. The startling realization that the campsite belonged to your father's men, that they had stood in this very spot, that they had been this close, absolutely shattered your composure. 

In an instant, all eight boys surrounded you, although you hardly registered them at all as your vision tunneled back to the medallion on the ground.

“Everyone get back to the vehicles. Now.” Chan commanded after examining the pendant for himself. His voice came out as stable as he could manage, but the worry was evident. 

In an instant, before anyone was able to take another step, Hyunjin swiftly reached for your arm, his touch was abrupt and forceful as he yanked you backward. A gust of wind brushed by your head, followed by the sharp crack of a bullet embedding itself in the tree to your side. The close call sent adrenaline coursing through your veins and you looked up in shock, locking eyes with Felix whose expression mirrored your own horror. Without a second to thank Hyunjin for quite literally saving your life, all nine of you snapped your heads in the direction that the bullet had come from. The silence that followed the gunshot was shattered by the deafening roar of an engine. 

A second rover, identical to the one that had brought you here, emerged over the top of the hill on the other side of the valley.

Nothing you had been put through up to this point could have prepared you for what flooded over you at the sight of the vehicle. Not the final execution you had witnessed at the palace, or the feeling of the knife in your hand as it ripped through a stranger. None of it could ever have compared to the terror that gripped you in that moment.

Because you had been able to protect Felix last night, but you wouldn't be able to save any of them from the impending threat hurdling toward you now. 

In less than a second, the world around you descended into chaos.

Sounds blended together into an incomprehensible mess. Unfamiliar voices rang out from up ahead, intertwining with the distant engine of the vehicle and the thundering of gunfire. Chan, you thought, yelled out again for everyone to get back to the vehicles, although his words were quickly swallowed by the madness. 

It made sense why your fathers guards would resort to shooting without hesitation. Nobody outside of your father’s army should have had access to a rover like the one parked just feet from you now. Nobody except for the only group of people they knew did have access to one. Because they had watched them use it to escape the night of the raid.

And because of your partially concealed face, how ironic it was that the guards had absolutely no idea that it was you they had almost put a bullet through.

Paralyzing fear took over your body as you watched them close in, rendering your legs immobile. You turned back around, locking eyes with Felix who began to step toward you with his hand outstretched. Just as his fingers brushed against yours, a bullet whizzed between the two of you, forcing him to stumble back.

Suddenly, you felt a powerful tug wrench you away from Felix as Changbin seized hold of you, forcefully guiding you in the opposite direction toward the rover. His voice bellowed out through the chaos as he shouted at Felix to get back to the bike. The freckled boy nodded curtly, eyes trained on you as you fought against Changbin while he tried to push your head down in an attempt to further conceal your identity. Your body resisted his hold, instincts pulling you toward Felix as you desperately wanted to break free and join him on the bike, but it was no use. Changbin was far stronger than you. With one arm around you, Changbin swiftly tossed Hyunjin his gun and without hesitation Hyunjin mounted the bike behind Felix as the engine roared to life. 

No matter how much you struggled in Changbin’s grasp, his hold on you remained steadfast. Without a choice, you yielded to his guidance as he pulled you up into the rover. Jisung quickly took the empty spot beside you, but your eyes never wavered from Felix. You watched intently as he turned the handlebars of the bike. Pointing them in the direction of the approaching vehicle, he tightened his grip on the throttle and accelerated a short way before skidding to the side and turning back around. He began to trace a daring path back and forth, kicking a thick cloud of dust into the air and drawing attention to the bike as Hyunjin took aim at your father’s men. 

Despite your initial shock at his actions, it soon became clear that he was trying distract the guards. To obstruct their vision and buy enough precious time for the rest of you to escape.

From his place in the driver's seat, Chan caught on to Felix's plan just as soon as you did. His eyes widened with realization before he forced the key into the ignition. You tried to stand despite Changbin and Jisung pulling you back down. Raising your voice, you yelled out to Chan as he started the engine, fighting against the boys.

“What are you doing?! We can’t just leave them!”

Your heart pounded in your chest as time surrounding the rover stood still. Every single one of the boys around you held their breath as Chan hesitated, hands trembling slightly against the steering wheel, conflicting emotions evident on his face as he looked back to Felix and Hyunjin. The weight of the decision bore down on him, the responsibility of every single one of your lives in his hands, and for a moment it almost seemed as if he wasn’t going to be able to make the choice. Until Felix looked back, his deep voice booming throughout the chaos. 

“Go! Get out of here!”

Chan’s voice cracked as he yelled out in response, “You know where we are! Meet us-“

“-I know! GO!” Felix shouted back, voice laced with urgency. “We’re right behind you!” and then he ducked to avoid an incoming bullet as Hyunjin swiftly fired back in the direction that it had come from. Minho stood and joined him in sending a few bullets toward your fathers men before he bent back down, hands reaching for the steering wheel as he jerked it to the side, yelling out to Chan that you needed to go now. 

When the vehicle began to move, your heart was on the brink of exploding within your chest, as the weight of the world on your shoulders threatened to engulf you completely.

“Felix!” You called out, strained voice breaking in desperation as the fear of losing him tore at your soul once again. His head whipped around at the sound of your voice. With a final look in your direction, his eyes conveyed unspoken reassurance, a silent plea to trust him, and a promise that you couldn’t fully understand in that moment. 

A promise that he would find his way back to you. 

And then he tore his eyes from yours as Hyunjin shouted at him to “move!”, directing him to use the bike to create another diversion for your escape.

With only a moment to spare, Chan spinned around in his seat and placed a firm hand on your shoulder.

"Look at me, y/n look at me,” you turned to face him, eyes glossy with tears, “Felix knows what he's doing, he's fast with the bike and Hyunjin is a near perfect shot,” his panicked words were meant come across as reassuring but the expression on his face sure as hell wasn't. 

Either way, Chan was a leader, and he did what leaders were supposed to do. He made the impossible, life-altering, split-second decisions. And so with a stern glance to Changbin who tightened his grip on you, he turned back around and stepped forcefully on the gas pedal.

And it's probably a good thing you weren't in his position, because you never would have been able to leave the freckled boy with the stars in his eyes behind. Not when it meant leaving a part of yourself, behind too.

You couldn’t breathe.

You really couldn’t breathe. 

As the rover surged ahead, racing into the setting sun, your focus remained fixed on the valley as it disappeared behind you. Panic coursed through your veins, constricting your chest and clouding your senses. After you had gotten far enough away, Changbin released you and you leaned forward immediately, raising your voice to reach Chan's ears.

“How could you leave them behind!? We have to go back-we have to-“ As the words tumbled out from your lips in a frantic rush, you looked around to the rest of the boys behind you. They remained still, even Jisung avoided your eyes now.

 “What are you doing?! We have to-” you turned back to Chan but before you could form any kind of a coherent sentence, he jerked the vehicle harshly to the side, causing you to grab onto the frame above until it came to a skidding halt. As the dust settled around you, Chan whirled around to face you. His resolute expression did little to conceal how shaken he was by having to leave the boys behind. 

“Do you think that was easy for me?! Do you think that was easy for any of us?!”

His words carried through the air, and a pang of guilt struck you when you saw the burden of the responsibility that he carried reflected in his eyes.

“If one of them had recognized you…“ 

Your stomach twisted as the guilt intensified, because deep down you knew he never would have left Felix and Hyunjin behind if it weren’t for you. But he didn’t have a choice. If any one of your father’s men had recognized you it would have meant disaster in the form of certain death for every single one of them. 

The weight of the boys’ emotions pressed down on you. Not a single sound escaped their lips as they watched your interaction with Chan. Not even Minho took the opportunity to further solidify the fact that this was all your fault.

“Where we’re going, we’ll be safe for the night. It’s close, and Felix has been there before so he knows where to go,” Chan cleared his throat before adding “they’re right behind us.”

And then he glanced to the skyline over your shoulder but you didn’t need to do the same to know what you’d find there.

They weren’t right behind you. 

“Where...." your voice trembled as it took everything in you to fight back tears.

“Someone Felix and I have known for a very long time. An…acquaintance,” his own voice faltered on the word “acquaintance” before continuing. “I was trying to avoid it, but we don’t have a choice. We can’t stay out in the open tonight.”

Trying to avoid it. 

Likely meaning that it was one of the areas he’d crossed out earlier when you were planning the route. A place he had originally hoped to steer clear of, but the circumstances had evidently forced his hand.

“We will find a way back to them, I promise.” This time, Chan wasn’t just speaking to you. He was also addressing the boys who were equally as shaken, but his words weren’t enough to ease the doubt in your mind.

Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Chan. 

You sat back without another word, turning your focus up ahead where something caught your attention.

Two figures.

Shadowed by the setting sun, riding atop two powerful animals that as far as you knew, had been extinct for hundreds of years. Animals you couldn’t remember the name of because you never really paid much attention to your private tutoring lessons, not that it mattered. The sight of them was enough to render you speechless. 

Chan spun back around and you studied his face in the mirror as recognition fell across it.

“It’s her….” he mumbled under his breath, looking to Minho seated beside him. 

Her. 

As the figures drew nearer, you realized that the one leading the way was a woman. 

Chan addressed the group quickly, conveying that he and he alone would handle the conversation. He locked eyes with you, pausing for a moment before reaching out to pull the hood back over your head. When Jisung and Changbin settled in closer to you, you looked up to Jisung, finding brief solace in his eyes before putting your head down. 

Unable to resist the curiosity when the strangers reached the side of the vehicle, you shifted to catch a glimpse of the woman from underneath your hood. She possessed an air of maturity, with long dark hair that cascaded down her shoulders and sides, streaked heavily with grey. One half of her face exhibited what appeared to be burn scars, extending all the way down her arm. Her presence exuded a quiet strength that demanded respect, and her beauty was evident even despite the scars. The male to her side was younger than you had initially thought. Several decades younger than her, he seemed to be around the same age as you and the boys. Reddish hair fell down to frame the enticing features of his face, and you were beginning to wonder if it was this common for everyone outside of District 9 to possess such ethereal beauty. He sported similar attire as the woman. Fairly well put together, their clothing was obviously worn but not nearly as much as you’d expect for someone who resided in District 6. 

As they brought the animals to a stop, the woman appeared to recognize Chan immediately. Alone, he stepped down to greet her as she remained atop the animal, tightly gripping its long mane. 

“Chris," her voice carried a velvety, alluring tone, "its been quite a while, hasn’t it?” 

A silent exchange passed between the two, characterized by familiarity and a touch of tension. The strange name she used to address him with left you even more curious about the actual depth of their relationship.  

The woman turned to the rover, scanning the faces inside. When her eyes fell to you, they widened ever so slightly. An eyebrow arched in intrigue as her lips parted, and you quickly leaned into Jisung once again.

“It has, Hira.” Chan acknowledged her before turning his attention to the male at her side, addressing him as “Yeonjun.” The two shared a quick greeting before Chan, or Chris, began to explain the nature of the group's situation, carefully selecting which details to share and what to withhold. He told the woman, Hira, that you were in desperate need of a place to stay for the night. When she asked where the group was headed, he replied with “District seven, in search of a permanent place to settle”. When she asked how you had obtained the vehicle, he offered an explanation that was even more vague. Stating that the group had just “come across it, abandoned, fully stocked with supplies.”

How ridiculous.

Even you would have been able to come up with something better than that..and you were worried there was no way in hell she could be gullible enough to believe the lies that spilled from his mouth.

Chan concluded his explanation by revealing the separation from Felix and Hyunjin, at which point you couldn’t help but steal another glance at Hira. She appeared to understand the gravity of your situation without him ever needing to mention your fathers guards or why the group had been forced to split up in the first place. 

As she processed his words, her eyes gravitated to you once again. A shiver descended your spine as they bore into you, as if she was trying to catch a glimpse of your soul. Unsure of exactly how much she knew or what she could unravel with a single glance, it filled you with unease. When she looked back to Chan, a haunting smile fell across her scarred face. 

“You know that you and your people are always more than welcome to stay with me and mine, Chris. Take as long as you need. I trust that you remember the…conditions to my hospitality. That-"

"-there is always a cost." The two spoke in unison, the woman and Chan.

"Ah yes," she smiled again, pleased with his response. "The weapons you provided Yeonjun with last time were in pristine condition, they have already sold for a generous sum." A flash of greed danced across her eyes as they fell to the gun in Minho's hands. "It seems as though you've come prepared this time. How long will you be staying?"

“Just the night,” he paused before adding, "we will be able to compensate you fairly.” And then he reached out and motioned for Minho to toss him the gun. After Minho obliged, Chan handed it over to the woman. She examined it closely, eyes gleaming with satisfaction as she turned the weapon over in her hands. "And i trust you have more where this came from?" She looked to him and he nodded.

"Three more. Four in total," she proposed.

"Two more. Three in total," Chan responded, a hint of reservation in his tone.

She contemplated his offer, narrowing her stare when they locked eyes.

"Deal, but only because of the impeccable condition, such remarkable craftsmanship..." She ran her hands across the cool metal once more before adding "You can follow me back to Clé, it’s not far from here as I'm sure you know.”

She then turned to address the male beside her. “Yeonjun will ride ahead to collect your friends." 

The mention of Felix reignited the ache within your chest. The sudden appearance of the mysterious strangers had provided a fleeting distraction, but with each passing moment in their presence your longing for him began to resurface at full force.

The woman’s lingering eyes stole one last glance at you before tugging on the animal’s mane. The sound of hooves filled the air when she turned and began to lead the way. Yeonjun followed her command, guiding his own animal behind you in the opposite direction, and you watched until he disappeared into the shadows cast by the setting sun. 

As the rover began to move, Minho leaned in to Chan and the two engaged in hushed conversation. You listened intently, trying to pick out any words you could but it was no use. Sinking back into the seat between Changbin and Jisung, you closed your eyes and pictured the freckled boy in your mind, desperately clinging on to whatever fading shred of hope you had left that you would ever see him again.  

The sunset painted the cloudy sky with fiery tones.

And Hira was right, it didn’t take long, fifteen minutes maybe, before you spotted the silhouette of a small structure in the distance. It stood alone against the backdrop of scorching orange and red hues, appearing as though it had become one with the unforgiving terrain over time. A forgotten outcast, sheltered among dying trees with branches like skeletal fingers reaching up to touch the sky. 

Following her lead, Chan brought the vehicle around to the backside of the house where Hira tied the animal to a nearby post. When you hopped down, the loose dirt beneath your feet emitted a satisfying crunch. Looking up, a jolt of surprise coursed through you as you were met with Hira's dark eyes. Taken aback by her close proximity and fascinated stare, you stumbled into Jeongin, who had just landed on the ground behind you. You reached behind, grabbing onto him for stability as she lifted an arm and carefully removed your hood, taking a piece of your hair into her hand.

She studied it between her fingers as if she were utterly perplexed before muttering underneath her breath "beautiful." 

Chan cleared his throat, and you looked up to see all eyes on you. As if nothing had happened at all, the woman released your hair, seamlessly joining Chan in leading the group to the front of the building. It might have been the first time you had officially interacted with Jeongin, but you only tightened your hold on his sleeve as you moved. Thankfully he didn't seem to mind as he stuck by your side while the rest of the boys formed a protective barrier around the two of you. During the brief introductions that took place as you approached the building, you avoided the woman's gaze when you told her that your name was Jisoo.

The two-story structure before you stood as a testament to the relentless passage of time. Its frame, originally crafted from wood, bore the marks of age through faded green paint, chipping away like scars left behind by countless years. Open windows had been sealed off from the inside by sturdy wooden boards, creating an air of secrecy. The door, no longer a solid barrier, was covered by a long tattered curtain that matched the colors of the setting sun behind you. It swayed gently in the breeze.

In front of you, Hira brushed back the curtain to reveal a candlelit interior. The ceiling was low, creating a sense of confinement. In a way, it reminded you of the tavern in District 7, although the atmosphere inside was stagnant and held an air of something far less innocent. 

It became evident shortly after stepping inside that this was a gathering spot for people who had found themselves on the fringes of society, seeking something more than just refuge. Because as Hira walked you through the lower level, hushed whispers and soft murmurs floated through the air, accompanied by occasional gasps of pleasure. You caught glimpses of intimate encounters through cracked doors, meeting the eyes of individuals in various states of undress whose beauty was contrasted by the sadness in their eyes. 

After passing through a small area that appeared to serve as a kitchen for Hira and her guests, with a wooden table and a few mismatched chairs, you found yourselves back at the main room. Just inside the entrance.

Under the premise of supposed safety, your longing for Felix turned insufferable. Because you didn't really care if any of you were safe until you knew that he was too.

As if Chan had been plagued by the same thought, his voice split the silence.

"Its dark now..it might be safe enough for me to…maybe I should go out and look for the others..." His words were directed to Hira, although you couldn't be sure whether he was asking for permission or informing her of his intention. Either way, his growing concern was evident. 

With firm resolve, the woman responded with a simple "No, that won't be necessary." And as if he had been expecting her response, Changbin stepped forward immediately, ready to argue, but he paused when she raised a hand and addressed Chan once more.

"Something tells me you know that it is wiser for you to remain here. Yeonjun has never failed me in a request, and I trust that he will return with your friends." Changbin stepped back and Chan fell silent. His usual authority seemed to vanish in her presence, leaving you even more curious about the dynamics between the two. About the experiences they'd shared while you were eating seasoned meals and taking hot baths to cleanse skin that was already clean.

Time had never moved so painfully, agonizingly, slow. Your profound understanding of the very real danger Felix and Hyunjin were in ate away at you with every passing second. Unable to sit still even after the others had settled down on the floor or the worn out furniture, you paced the room until Jisung silently called you over, patting the ground beside him against one of the walls. Your leg continued to shake uncontrollably even after you sat down, and it wasn’t until Seungmin came over to join you on your other side that you were able to stop. For the same reason you had chosen to sit by him the first night around the fire, something about Seungmin's presence made you worry just a little less. 

As everyone anxiously awaited the return of the boys, even Hira had her eyes trained on the door whenever she wasn’t looking your way. Her not-so-subtle fascination with you only added to your overall unease, mostly because you just couldn't shake the feeling that her interest in the groups wellbeing went far beyond an innocent desire to help. Even if her and “Chris” happened to be old friends. Or acquaintances, or whatever the hell he’d called her. But you didn't really care about trying to decipher any of that right now. Not when all you could think about was the freckled boy who you'd let slip through your fingertips earlier. 

Who you had failed to protect.

After a seemingly endless stretch of time, the curtain covering the door shifted ever so slightly and the room stood in unison, yourself included.

It was pulled back by Yeonjun now standing at the entrance. You took a step forward, gaze darting past him immediately. Desperately searching for any glimpse of dark hair behind him, your eyes were met with gold instead.

Hyunjin.

You released a steady exhale. Aside from a few smudges of dirt on his otherwise flawless features, he appeared to be relatively unscathed. Your nervousness eased at the sight of his familiar face, but it wasn’t until Felix stepped through the threshold behind him that you felt like you could breathe again.

For the first time since you had been forced to leave him behind, you could breathe.

You leaned forward as your eyes scanned every inch of his figure. He appeared slightly more disheveled than Hyunjin, with tousled hair and a small cut to his cheek, but he was alive, breathing, unharmed. The sight of him standing before made you ache to wrap him in your arms, but you remained rooted where you stood. As if your feet were shackled to the ground by invisible chains that warned of the danger that came with exposing the extent of your feelings to everyone in the room. So you masked your relief with a faint smile that lasted only a fraction of a second. 

But you were certain Felix had seen it.

A low sigh escaped his lips, barely audible despite the silence in the room. Unbeknownst to you, it was a breath he had been holding since the very moment you had been torn apart. Nobody else seemed to notice the way you looked only to each other, or maybe they did, but you didn't really care.

Chan approached the boys first. He put an arm around both of their shoulders and whispered something to them before turning around to thank Yeonjun for their safe return. Hira nodded in acknowledgement when Chan introduced her to Hyunjin, but there didn't appear to be a need for introductions between her and Felix. The familiarity between Felix and Yeonjun was also apparent, although whatever it was between them came off as more of an uncomfortable, awkward tension than anything else.

Before the rest of the boys had a chance to approach Felix and Hyunjin, Hira commanded the room's attention. She guided the group back into the kitchen, over to a receded staircase in the corner that you hadn't noticed the first time. Yeonjun swiftly found his way to her side and you eyed them cautiously as they engaged in hushed conversation at the front of the group.

Wooden steps creaked underneath your feet as you climbed the stairs, worn with time and countless journeys up and down. At the top was a long hallway lined by closed doors, peeling wallpaper, and flickering candles. You made note of what appeared to be a supply closet just off the landing. The door was slightly ajar and you observed a small pile of blankets and crates stacked inside. Nearly empty, aside from a very meager handful of supplies.

Hira pointed out two rooms at the end of the corridor where you and the boys were to sleep for the night. Chan and Minho shared a glance, acknowledging that they didn't have much choice but to accept.

And Felix never left your side. 

Or maybe you never left his. Either way, whether by conscious choice or something less deliberate, you mirrored each others steps the entire way up the stairs and back down again. The subtle brush of his arm against yours spoke volumes, but you were desperate for more. To to hear him tell you that he was okay. To feel the warmth of his skin against yours.

Bodies weary, the group followed Hira back down the steps into the kitchen where the small table now held an assortment of miscellaneous scraps of food. You were each offered a bowl, and you gladly accepted. Without enough chairs for everyone around the table, Jisung, Changbin, and Seungmin made themselves comfortable on the floor with their backs leaned against the wall, bowls in hand. Just as you were preparing to join them, with Felix right on your heels, Hira's voice cut through the air, interrupting your action. 

"No, dear, sit here by my side. I insist." You glanced up to where she sat at the head of the table. Her words were accompanied by a very poor attempt at a welcoming smile that only caused you to recoil backward into Felix.

You looked to Chan for direction and when he nodded you hesitantly obliged, walking over to take the seat to her right, directly across from Chan who sat at her other side.

Without waiting for his own invitation, Felix slid down into the empty seat beside you. Jeongin ended up across from Felix, with Yeonjun positioning himself the other end of the table across from Hira. Minho opted to lean against the doorway to the kitchen, while Hyunjin claimed the spot on the floor that you had originally planned on taking next to Seungmin. 

As dinner progressed, Hira spoke solely to Chan. She brought up stories of their past encounters and the atmosphere tensed further whenever he let out an occasional bout of strained laughter. The rest of the group remained quiet as they feigned interest in the scraps of food that had been placed in front of them, and you did the same. Gritting your teeth as you stared at the bowl because the faster you got through this night, the faster you would be able to get the hell out of here. 

The faster you would be able to find a moment alone with Felix. Which was the only thing that mattered to you now. 

Throughout the meal, Hira's eyes continuously fell to you, just as they had from the moment she'd first caught sight of you earlier. And despite the fact that she was supposedly listening to Chan, she didn't seem to have any interest in him or their conversation whatsoever. 

It became increasingly evident that you weren’t the only one aware of her strange behavior. Beside you, Felix’s grip on the roll of bread in his hand tightened with every second that her eyes remained fixed on you. As if a protective instinct was taking hold of him in response to her unwavering interest.

Just as Chan began to cautiously navigate his way through a story about a time several years ago when he'd crossed paths with Hira in District 4, she curtly interrupted him, turning to face you directly. 

"You know dear, there is room for you here," she purred, reaching out to place a palm over your clenched fist where it rest on the table. 

Her cold touch sent an icy shockwave up your arm.

Chan stopped talking mid sentence, Jisung nearly choked on his food behind you, and your entire body froze. Your eyes widened as you lifted your gaze from the bowl in front of you, looking to Chan for help. But his expression only mirrored your own shock as his mouth fell slightly agape while you stared at each other in disbelief. 

Before either you or Chan could find the words, Felix's voice sliced through the tension in the air like a blade. Resonating dangerously low, it nearly shook the room beside you. 

"She. Stays. With. Us." he growled through clenched teeth, putting sharp emphasis on each individual word. The roll of bread in his hand crumpled beyond repair as he used every muscle in his body to keep his restraint. 

Hana's gaze flickered from you to Felix, engaging in a silent standoff, until her eyes began to shift back and forth between the two of you. A sly grin fell across her face as she pieced together the fact that there was something more between you and Felix. Something that went far beyond what you had with the rest of the boys. Far beyond camaraderie or the mutual need to depend on each other for survival. She looked back to you with envy in her eyes, a lingering possessiveness, and after a few more moments of uncomfortable silence she did something not a single one of you could have expected.

She began to laugh. 

A chilling sound that started out quiet before building loud enough to echo throughout the entire room. Felix's stare spoke volumes as his eyes remained trained on the woman at your side, piercing and unyielding, making it more than clear that he didn't find anything funny about the situation at all. Your heart pounded in your ears, your breath caught in your throat, and every single hair on the back of your neck stood on end before her laughter ended just as abruptly as it had begun. Her facial expression shifting once again to that of an eery stoicism.

“You all must be exhausted after such a long day. Rest well tonight and replenish your strength,” she addressed the group as a whole before turning back to Felix. Her final words were directed solely at him. “A tired mind is dangerous companion.” 

Without another word she rose gracefully from her seat, the scraping of her chair against the floor only adding to the unsettling feeling in the air. She swiftly exited the room with Yeonjun following closely behind. 

Every single one of the boys remained motionless. With their eyes glued to Chan, they waited for him to offer any form of direction but he appeared to be just as taken aback as the rest of you by her actions. By her offer to you.

When he finally regained the ability to speak, it was barely above a whisper. “She's right...lets just take the opportunity to rest for a few hours. We'll be safe here for the night.”

Why does he keep saying that. 

We aren't safe anywhere.

Chan stood, and just as Yeonjun had hurried after Hana, the boys mirrored his actions. They got up and approached the staircase at the other end of the kitchen. At your side, Felix was the only one who had yet to move a muscle.

Chan’s knowing eyes said it all as he looked back at the two of you one last time before leaving you to yourselves, ascending the staircase behind the rest of the group. Probably a mistake, on his part, to leave you alone. Not that he could have known the depth of your emotions or the fleeting nature of your self control. 

Felix sat rigid as he fixated on the wall in front of him.

Something brought you back to this morning, when you’d refused to join him on the bike in an attempt to push down your growing feelings. Stupid, stupid feelings that threatened to ruin everything whenever you found yourself alone with him.

You remembered the promise you had made to him on the rooftop. 

Don't let me love you. 

Slowly, you got up from your chair. 

Felix did the same.

Just walk away, y/n. Turn around. Go upstairs. Go to sleep. 

Walk. Away.

Standing beside you now, facing you, inches from you, he looked you up and down. He reached for your wrist and ran his thumb over a small cut on your forearm that you hadn't even realized was there.

Without a word, he set your arm back down at your side and took a step past you in the direction of the staircase.

Don’t look back. Just let him go. 

Let. Him. Go. 

Fuck-

“-Wait” You muttered, grabbing onto his arm and pulling him with you across the kitchen to the foot of the staircase, partially hidden in between the recessed walls. His eyes darted upward as the boys retreated into their designated rooms. And you stayed like that, pressed up against him in the small space until the doors closed behind them. 

As soon as they clicked shut, you blurted out the first thing that came to your mind. 

“Are you fucking insane?! What the hell were you thinking earlier? Staying behind like that.” Struggling to keep your voice down, the words came out a bit more accusatory than you had originally intended. But now that he was in front of you, now that you knew he was safe, you couldn’t help but express a little frustration.

“I was just...doing what needed to be done.” He answered, voice husky and low, eyes dark and inviting. Your brow furrowed as you searched for the right response. Literally anything to convey how much his continued disregard for his own life drove you absolutely mad. But no words seemed adequate enough.

Maybe you would have come up with something eventually, if the growing closeness between you wasn't making it impossible to concentrate on anything other than how badly you wanted him to rail you senseless.

For fucks sake. Get it together.

After a moment, a subtle curl formed at the corner of his upper lip.

"What, were you worried about me princess?" He mused, poking his tongue into his cheek.

"I'm serious!" You shot back in a rather poor attempt to conceal the fact that his accusation and such a simple, simple action could have you so impossibly weak at the knees. 

"You heard Chan. We were supposed to stay together. All of us, which includes you. Because we need you."

Because I need you, idiot.

The smugness fell from his face as his expression began to soften.

“And yeah, maybe I am tired of watching you try to get yourself killed but that doesn't mea-" before you could finish reprimanding him, Felix leaned down and captured your lips between his.

You pulled back, eyes wide. 

"What are you-" but your words were cut off again when you went to take a step back and nearly tripped on the staircase behind you, instinctively reaching for his arms to steady yourself. 

Amusement spread across his face, as if he was proud of himself for making you fall apart like his. His reaction made your cheeks flush hot with embarrassment but before you could utter another word he moved in again. Your hands betrayed you as they pulled him closer, but instead of kissing you again like you’d expected Felix ducked his head to your neck where he began to pepper the sensitive skin with a number of light kisses. You glanced upstairs where the boys had retreated for the night, then back down across the kitchen where Hana and Yeonjun had disappeared only moments before.

“What if someone-” You pulled back for a second time. 

"Let them,” he mumbled against your skin. "Its not like they don't already suspect it,” he added while running his tongue along the fading mark on your neck that you’d forgotten was there. 

“And you’re alright with that?” You nearly moaned out the final word when he began to suck lightly at the tender spot on your neck, barely having time to finish your sentence before he forcefully reconnected your lips.

Felix was more than alright with that.

But of course, its not like he had meant for this to happen. He really did have every intention of following the others upstairs. He really did. Its just that he’d narrowly missed about 17 bullets today, half of them aimed at his head, which had him fairly convinced that he might actually never get to see you again. So the sight of you in his arms now, lust and concern etched beautifully across your face as you looked to him as if he was your entire world, had him overcome with the need to be inside of you.

And you really hadn't meant to end up like this either, shamelessly pulling him in by the collar as he cradled your face in his hands. Succumbing to the magnetic pull that urged you to follow him as he took a step backward up the stairs. There were so many things you wanted to say to him about his past, to ask him why he had taken the blame for killing the intruder, and you still weren't done scolding him for his decision to stay behind earlier. But none of it mattered in that moment. Because he was safe, he’d managed to find his way back to you, and you wanted nothing more than to show him just how thankful you were for that.

"m' glad you're okay" the words slipped from your lips on accident between kisses as you followed him up the stairs. You swallowed quickly before adding “I-I mean because, you know....they were worried about you..the others.”

“Oh really?” he swiped his tongue along your bottom lip, and you hummed in agreement before granting him access. 

You wrapped your arms around his neck from where you now stood on the step above him. When he looked up into your eyes, a conflicted expression washed over his features before he lifted his head to kiss you again. 

"Lix," you mumbled against his lips when you took the last step at the top of the staircase. 

"Yeah, princess?" He breathed out, meeting you on the landing where his hands slid down to rest at the back of your thighs, just below your ass, pulling you closer. You spoke against his lips when he moved in to reconnect them to yours.

“This doesn't mean I'm not still mad at you." 

"Mhmm" he tightened his grip on your thighs.

"It doesn't mean I hate you any less," you continued, nipping at his bottom lip and pulling it back in your teeth. "Because I do, you know?”

And his eyes were dark when you opened yours to look back at him, pupils blown wide. 

"Whatever you say, sweetheart." 

That was new.

And then, with a firm squeeze at your thighs, Felix effortlessly lifted you up, your legs instinctively wrapping around his waist as your arms circled his neck. His hands cupped your ass and you kissed him like that for some time. Shamelessly giving in to the uncontrollable desire that had brought you together in the first place, in a dim candlelit hallway, surrounded on either side by rooms full of sleeping travelers and the rest of the boys. And none of it mattered. You would have kissed him until your lips bled, running your hands through his hair, your tongues battling for dominance. 

But Felix made it very clear that he wanted more.

He moved until your back hit the wall behind you and you gripped him tighter to keep yourself upright. When he pressed his hips further into you another weak moan fell from your lips. He shifted and you looked down, realizing that that the wall to your back was actually a door. 

The supply closet. 

Felix maneuvered your bodies so that he could push the door open with his back. 

As he carried you into the cramped space, you placed a very gentle kiss to the scratch on his cheek. Inside, shut off from the rest of the world, you were free to lose yourselves in each other completely. Candlelight from the hallway spilled in through the wide gap beneath the door, enough to cast a faint glow inside the room. And the door barely had time to shut before both of you were halfway undressed.

Felix picked up a blanket from the ground and threw it across the stack of crates that took up the majority of the small space. He set you down gently on top of them, bending over to keep your lips connected while he shoved his pants down, and you did the same. Frantically pushing your own pants and underwear down before tossing your shirt to the side, and it didn’t even have time to hit the ground before he was pressed up against you again, reaching around to unclasp your bra. Just as you had struggled with the buckle on his belt, he fumbled with it briefly and you smiled against his lips. But he was determined and it took only a moment before he stripped it from your body and the stuffy air hit your skin. When you shifted on the crates, your exposed breasts bounced slightly, immediately drawing his attention. He licked his lips as he devoured them with hungry eyes.

“Like what you see?” You mocked, reaching down to bring his hands up to your chest. He squeezed the soft flesh and you gasped when his fingertips pinched lightly at your nipples.

And it was in that moment that Felix decided he would never be able to get enough of you, so willing to expose yourself to him like this. So desperate for his touch on your bare skin, for his cock buried inside of you. You didn’t even need to say it out loud because your eyes were begging.

One of his hands trailed down between your legs and he slid a finger through the wetness of your slit. 

“Fuck, princess...so wet already,” he murmured against your jaw, and you let out a stifled moan into his neck when he pulled you closer and pressed his thumb to your puffy clit. He rubbed slow circles before inserting a finger inside of you, followed shortly after by a second. The skillful movement of his fingers made you melt into his touch as you rolled your hips to meet his hand. As your head went dizzy and your vision blurred.

Between his fingers pumping in and out of you at just the right speed, his thumb adding pressure to your clit, the squeezing of your breast in his other hand, and the sloppy wet kisses he continued to press to your neck and jaw, your body was already threatening to spill over the edge. To prolong the pleasure, not ready to let go just yet, you shifted. He licked your juices from his fingers when you brought his hand up to his mouth. "You taste so sweet princess," he muttered, accent heavy in his current state as you reached down to release his cock from his underwear. It sprang free and you pushed him back gently, dropping from the crates, your knees hitting the ground. He looked down at you as your hand wrapped around his pulsing cock. You swirled a bit of precum around the tip before licking a stripe up his shaft and taking him into your mouth. 

As you hollowed your cheeks around him and began to bob your head, running your tongue along a thick vein on the underside of his cock, Felix leaned back against the door. His head turned to the ceiling as his eyes lazily fell shut, and he wondered how much you'd had to practice to get it this right. But he didn't want to think about that now. He only wanted to think about you on your knees for him. A whimper escaped his lips when you swirled your tongue around his leaking head, across his slit. The unexpected sound from him and the salty taste on your tongue had you rubbing your thighs forcefully together. 

Felix let his mind go empty with nothing but pleasure as he fucked your face. He glanced down with hooded eyes to meet your own, and the sight of your pretty angelic mouth stuffed with his cock as you made eye contact with him nearly caused him to blow his load right then and there. But Felix didn’t want to waste a second of you like this. Because he'd almost died today. He'd almost died nearly every day for a very long time, and he didn't know if he would ever get the chance after tonight to have you like this again. And so, when you suddenly released his cock with a pop, he leaned down and pulled you back up by the arms. 

His touch was gentle. 

His tone wasn’t.

“I’m going to fuck you now, and you’re not going to make a sound. Can you do that for me, sweetheart?” He spoke down to you, as if he already knew that you wouldn’t be able to oblige.

“Y-yes” you somehow managed to get out. And he wasted no time in lifting you back onto the crates, his strength evident as his muscles flexed. 

You steadied yourself before spreading your legs for him as wide as the cramped space would allow. You ran your eyes up and down his naked form, his defined abs, his toned chest, and his right hand as he brought it down to pump his cock a few times before aligning it with your dripping core.

“Please…” you panted under your breath as he smeared your arousal with his tip. And your desperate plea was all he needed to give in, sinking into your aching entrance and bottoming out inside of you with a carnal mroan. You gasped, reaching forward to pull him closer. He wrapped an arm around your back, slamming the other against the wall behind you. His head fell to your neck and your legs wrapped around him as he began to rhythmically move his hips. 

Filthy sounds filled the space as he rutted into you, and in that moment it was easy to let yourself go completely. To let him take you however he pleased, in whatever way he pleased. Because you were safe with Felix, here, like this, when it was just the two of you. He made you feel like just a person. Without a past to run from, without a burden to shoulder. Just two careless young lovers who in another life might have stumbled across this very place seeking refuge. Who might have called it home for a while before leaving again together.

And this time was different from the first time on the rooftop as his hips slapped fervently against yours, hot skin against skin. Because of your earlier separation, tonight was more desperate, more needy, more primal. 

“Feels so good, Lix” you whined when he brought his hands down to tightly grip your waist, allowing him to fuck up into your swollen heat even harder. When your head fell back, he took it as an invitation to bring a hand up around your exposed throat, shoving his fingers into your mouth when you let out a strangled moan.  

"F-Fuck, princess-" he hissed, “you have to be quiet, be a good girl for me, yeah?” He squeezed harder at your throat when you cried out again but was instantly made into a hypocrite when you clenched around him and he let out a groan deep enough to vibrate the walls. 

His thrusts grew sloppy which told you he was just as close as you had been since the moment he'd laid a hand on you, and yet he still managed to hit the right angle every single time. Between his thick cock brutally pounding up into your drooling hole, low grunts against your ear, the sound of the crates thudding against the wall behind you and the risk of being caught at any moment, it all had you reaching your own climax faster than you could control. 

"So pretty all fucked out like this,” he growled, ”the world in the palm of your hand and here you are reduced to nothing by my cock. I should fuck you full, make the world mine too."

"Fuck, F-Felix, don't stop I'm close-"

“I know, baby," he groaned, "me too.” And you could feel the truth in his words because of how fucking hard he was, but before he could pull out you wrapped your legs around him tighter.

"Need your cum, please, fill me up. Please Lix make me yours."

"Shit-"

Your plea sent him over the edge. His cock throbbed where it was buried deeply inside of you as he pumped milky white ropes of cum into your cunt. A deep groan that was far louder than any of the moans he had scolded you for fell from his lips, and as your own orgasm took over you buried your face in the sweaty skin at his neck. Holding onto him to ground yourself when your vision went white as you sobbed out his name repeatedly.

Heavy breathing and light whimpers from both of you were the only sounds that filled the air after the harsh string of low curses that fell from his lips.

After a moment, when you began to come down from your high and Felix stopped twitching inside of you, you unwrapped your shaking legs from his waist and dropped down from the crates. He helped to steady you on your feet, and the gravity of what you had just done set in as you felt his hot cum begin to trickle down the inside of your thigh. 

Fuck 

Fuck fuck fuck-

Felix reclaimed your attention when he leaned in to place a breathless kiss to your lips. You jumped when the cool metal of the rings on his fingers made contact with the sensitive skin at the inside of your thighs when he put a finger between them to swipe some of his cum away. He brought it up, smearing his release against your bottom lip before you took it into your mouth and licked it clean.

"That can never happen again,” he murmured, his eyes intently focused on where his finger had disappeared into your mouth.

He might have been referring to the sex, but you were fairly certain it had more to do with the fact that by spilling every last drop of his cum inside of you he had just put both of your lives in substantially more danger. Because if Felix got you pregnant, the repercussions would be catastrophic.

"This, us is…it can’t..” He trailed off. 

“I know.” You glanced up to take in his disheveled appearance. His long hair a mess, sweat on his forehead, lips puffy and swollen.  

“Never again,” you whispered, and it was at that moment that Felix realized he was never going to be able to get over you. That he would belong to you until he took his last dying breath. 

And it wasn’t until you met his eyes that he understood just how selfish that made him. 

How badly he had screwed up. 

Because Felix had made the fatal mistake of allowing you to develop the same feelings for him, and he wanted to protect you from the sadness in your eyes when you looked up to him with silent understanding that you would never be able to be together. Not in the way you wanted to be, not without consequences. Felix wanted to shield you from everything in this world that could hurt you, including himself. Especially himself. He wanted to protect you from his own selfish desires more than anything, but the situation between the two of you had begun to spiral far beyond his control.

And the damage was already done. 

Felix led you by the hand to the end of the hallway where he lightly pressed on the door to one of the rooms that Hira had pointed out to you earlier. When you stepped inside, the floorboards creaked loudly underneath your feet. You could make out shapes through the darkness but it was difficult to tell which of the boys were in the room you had just entered. 

You followed Felix, taking extra care to step over the sleeping form at your feet, as he led you to an unoccupied space in the corner. He shook off his leather jacket and pulled you down with him. Folding the jacket, he set it on the ground next to you and you immediately undid his actions, unfolding it enough so that there was room for his own head to be cushioned by the worn out fabric as well. You lie down facing each other, trailing your eyes up and down the features of his face, bringing a hand up to his hair, tracing along the sharp line of his jaw, while he looked at you with painful longing that you would never have been able to put into words. Only a feeling, in a stolen moment that you had so selfishly claimed for yourselves. But you understood everything that it meant.

"y/n?" His voice cascaded through the silence and the use of your name, his use of your name, tugged painfully at your chest.

“Yeah, Lix?” You responded, tracing your fingers along a patch of freckles underneath one of his eyes.

“I’m glad you’re okay too.” He spoke so faintly underneath his breath that you weren’t even sure you had heard him right until you met his gaze. The look he gave you absolutely shattered your heart, and you forced yourself to hold back the words that you wanted so desperately to say to him in response. You watched in silence as his heavy eyes closed while you combed through his hair, kissing him gently once more when his breathing steadied and you were certain that he had fallen asleep.

Don't let me love you.

It was quite a simple request, really. Or at least it should have been. You should have been able to do it, and yet you could literally feel your promise rip to pieces with every kiss, every touch, every breath you took in every moment you spent next to him like this. Moments that you burned into your memory because you were afraid they would be your last. 

I'm sorry, princess.

"I'm sorry too, Lix." You whispered.

Sorry you couldn't keep your promise. Sorry you hadn't tried harder. 

Sorry there was nothing you could do to stop the time from slipping away. Sorry you couldn't make it stop. 

You fell asleep shortly after he reached for you, subconsciously pulling you into his chest. You breathed in his scent and it eased every aching muscle in your body. In that moment you were his, and he was yours, and that was enough. Even if you would never be able to belong to each other for more than a single night at a time. Just for tonight, it was enough. Because eventually, one way or another, you knew that your past would catch up to you. You’d begun this journey knowing from the start that the future had never really been yours to claim. Knowing that that your time with Felix was just as limited as your freedom. Because as someone had told you once, the problem with time is that it is a merciless force. No matter who you are, no matter where you come from, one way or another it always runs out. 

Part 6 coming soon...

thank you so much for reading<33 if you would like to be added to the taglist please don't hesitate to let me know :)

taglist: @vixensss @yangracha @toplinelix @lixiesw1fe @slytherinatheart @hash2013

[hana-the-ghostieee]

hey hey heyyy! not your typical yorushika post here but does involve them. as in elmy and ojisuma. anyways

sometimes i feel like my interests just bleed and blend into each other, unless they can't. (like i literally don't know how the same person that draws a butt ton of cats and likes to radiate positivity and enjoys kawaii culture and decora and happiness listens to songs about literally just living for music, and having no purpose once you literally can't create anymore, or about losing someone close to you and just having this hole. this hole in my heart they left behind. they used to be the one that could fill the void but now that they're gone i can't fill it, it's this hole that keeps spreading and spreading in the middle of my chest)

i mean let's be real i physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually can't connect Perfume and this like danish pastel aesthetic. or Kyary Pamyu Pamyu with 8/31, the day Amy ran out of ink and oofed himself with the one gay ship i show my support on in the back of my notebooks. (those men. they can break up in front of my gravestone. and my spirit will float around. forever haunting this land. edit: i read The Moon That Breaks by TheHufflebean on AO3 and when i got to the breakup scene i lied on the floor and held my breath for like 5 minutes because well. i don't have a gravestone just lying around. but then i reread the tags and there was a make up scene (which WAS there thank whoever you'd like) and continued reading)

and before any of you people on the wolfstar tag yell at me for not putting any content related to them um click/tap Keep reading please thank you

thanks for wasting your time trying to read this! anyways

there's going to be so many more edits and tweaks and finetunes i can FEEL it

lemme take wolfstar for an example (though yorushika hasn't been bled through, thank whoever you'd like, i will list it as an example. edit: yorushika may have been bled through.)

edit: feel more than free to steal these ideas =w= i'd be a terrible writer, art is my strong suit (tho credit me i guess? idk do what you want i won't be mad if you just yoink it from wherever you see this)

japan? poof. modern au. they move to shinjuku niichome. (japan's lgbt city)

um what else what else what elseeeeeee (sorry brain is scrambled rn)

cats? poof. they adopt more cats than any reasonable person should have. (with minor disinterest from sirius but remus is just INTO IT LIKE HECK YES CATS OR I'M JUST PROJECTING IDK) bonus points if they end up running a cat cafe/cat library

yorushika?

poof.

(okay don't steal any ideas from this point on i'm working on a fic for this)

(go read Letters to Elma and Elma's Diary if you want to make sense of what's going on here! i'd recommend you listen to the full albums That's Why I Gave Up On Music and Elma first though. also trigger warning - the protag for Letters/That's Why oofs himself.)

(also please don't yell at me for making them not sound like themselves, i wrote this at like 1am, i probably suck at writing and i modeled them after the original elma and amy okay thankth)

elmy au, sirius is amy and remus is elma. both are also music creators, sirius suffers from depression, gets told by a seer (idk why. oh maybe remus has a seer friend he'd like sirius to see?? *shrugs*) he'd have less than a year left to live because of a "chronic issue", loses it and [insert Letters to Elma here]

so i'm thinking it's kind of a poa grim situation here, where a bunch of symbols saying he'd die within the year just appear out of nowhere, more frequent than before and then he gets a diagnosis for some heart disease and then above scene plays out

edit: don't know how i forgot this buttttt um in Diary 5/15 Elma says "Life surely has an expiration date. Those were the words I let leak out to him, a long time ago." (him being amy ofc) and im just imagining remus saying a bunch of poetic stuff cuz even though he doesn't do it often, he's a freaking good songwriter then this comes up and sirius just internalizes those words like no other

also i think i've moved on from my Kamisama no Dansu (dance of the gods) phase, on to Ame Haruru (after the rain) and i want to mention a few lines. "another summer without you is on it's way" - i'm assuming this is remus going welp. i guess no boyfriend. it's been a while. (back when they were in school they had summers apart but then they moved in together so they also spent the summers together but ofc now that sirius is somewhere in gotland/farosund/idk remus is just. i guess you won't be there this summer) "finally, the rain fell" - a reference as to how amy/sirius left town before writing what it's like after the rain. and it's counterpart, "finally, the rain stopped" - remus/elma experiencing what it's like, knowing he didn't

more edit: uhm completely forgot about the lycanthropy so assume remus found a forest or something (you know what. it's the forest referenced in the instrumental mori no kyoukai/church in the forest) all the while sirius is in the back (or well lord knows where in gotland) cursing himself for forgetting the thing he does w/ bf every. single month

back to 12am me :P

oh but instead of writing down all the letters and whatever and then getting a box and mailing it off, sirius sends remus letters like individually and consistently so remus also goes to sweden and hunts him down but remus doesn't have any spare paper on him so he can't respond in any way

don't ask me how he sends the letters and how he receives the letters

oh wait i got it nvm! um sirius sends the letters by owl (how could i forget) and remus has a diary (because Elma's Diary) but you know. he's not one of those people that rips pages out of their books (at least in this au that exists in the void that is my mind)

and then he chases after him. literally looking freaking everywhere. sometimes they're 3 days apart. sometimes they're so close you'd be sure they have dora the explorer eyesight but no they JUST miss each other like BARELY by a MILLISECOND like seriously remus can freaking SMELL him but thinks it's like a hallucination (cuz he has been getting those recently, see Diary 8/27) or yk becuz he stole some of sirius' clothes (though on 5/15 Elma also says she can't taste anything so rem can't either. also smell & taste are connected so he essentially just loses the function to smell anything. sign of severe depression =w=)

and then comes 8/31. (machIGAUTTERUNDAYO WAKATTERUNDA ANTARA NINGEN MO--)

sirius is on the pier, opening the bottle of Flower Verdigris/Paris Green/Emerald Green/take your pick.

remus stands at the base (?) (what do you call that part on a dock/pier where you just get on) of the pier. he could recognize that black hair anywhere.

okay googled it

oh wait no that's for a floating dock

i googled it again

...found nothing. anyways

he stands at the base of the pier, at the silhouette sitting on the edge. he could recognize that curly, dark hair from 50 miles away.

"SIRIUS ORION BLACK!!!"

sirius' head turns. he seems to be crying.

"re...?"

anyways remus runs up to him and [insert nautilus mv epic outro here but instead of the guitar it's sirius and instead of elma crying the liquid water out of her... being it's remus who is also crying the liquid water out of his being][...also nautilus is a wip until they get home][to clarify things remus does not pick sirius up like the guitar. they're hugging so hard you'd think a spine would break and they're maybe kissing and definitely crying]

edit: i sat down and thought about it so um sirius is sitting on the docks like one would sit on a bench (legs dangling off of the surface) and remus just runs to him and drops on the floor, kneeling position similar to the epic guitar/piano outro in the nautilus mv with the thrown papers and they're still crying and the sun is rising because even though amy oofed himself on the dock around the evening on 8/31 here sirius tries to oof himself at dawn, cuz the line "someday, the dawn will break, so try and open your sleepy eyes, because i've pictured them so many times" and then they stand up face each other and then collapse onto each other (like lean onto each other) and then cue passionate kissing (finally) (ooh as the sun rises and parts through the clouds. someday i will try my best to draw it. and um put it here. be prepared for the ultimate pathetic. something idk.)

and right now they're just gay sobbing messes :P

yet another edit: i'm thinking i can find a way to incorporate the lily/remus friendship. so you know the old lady that first appears in Diary 7/5, right? i'm thinking she's at least a representation of lily, though of course in this au she's swedish (along with the other peeps. yk james and peter and severus mhm) so remus understands. nothing. in this au they first meet because lily needed help w/ baggage ig? it's on the ferry to gotland and well her first husband/bf passed on (shown in Diary 7/22, elderly woman says "Man" and smiles, implying she looks back on the memories fondly, and we're expected to believe this was her husband. i'm thinking in this au maybe??? snape/lily was a thing. not sure. write some ship in the comments/rbs i guess) also i'm pretty sure she thought remus was straight and that he lost his gf/wife and is trying to move on too (in case you forgot, he's looking for a certain sirius, which is in fact alive, who is his bf) and on the ship home on 9/25 (i like to think they as in r/s stayed in sweden for a bit longer, taking more pics together and enjoying whatever they missed while looking for each other) they see lily/elderly woman again with her child harry supported by the man she loves, james (aww that would be sweet tho. fluffy jily and wolfstar stuff at the end) (in canon Diary, the elderly woman with her children and the new husband is kind of a symbol for Elma, saying she'll move on and heal and potentially find someone else)

okay i thought about it and sat a bit more. and. remember 8/27? (the blend of fantasy/reality whatever where Elma finds Amy's stuff?) uhm i'm thinking something like that would happen here on 8/31, but ofc with more intervention from miss nice old lady (represented by lily). so she's moved on from her grief and found another love (james) right? well turns out james is still an animagus in this au (how helpful =w=) and lily is just. unsure of what the heck happened. (tho she does get some "help i'm looking for my boyfriend" vibes) until she connects the dots. they're fronking looking for each other before sirius' life reaches it's "expiration date" (though let's be real. throwing away that life would be like yeeting a loaf of freshly baked bread into the bin) so she tells james the master plan. she thinks on the last day of his life, remus would go out and look for him again, unaware of the fact that his boyfriend is literally at the lowest point of his life. so she'd sent out james for remus to follow (under the pretense that that was sirius' shadow, before leading him to the docks where sirius would go like once every like two weeks since coming to gotland to regret whatever he did) and then cue the scene from "and then comes 8/31. (maCHIGAUTTERUNDAYO WAKATTERUNDA ANTARA NINGEN MO--)" it's basically just saaaaaaaaaaaayonaaaaaaaaaaaaaaraa no haYASA DE KAOO WO AGETE. ITSUKA YATTO YORU GA AKETARA, MOU, ME WO SAMASHITEEEEE, MITEEEEEEEE, NEBOKE MANAKO NO KIMI WO, NANDEDATTE EGAITEIRU KARA (yeah i put some lines from nautilus, your point is?) all the while jily are just watching the gay sobbing messes™ from afar, in the forest or hiding in a bush near the base, high-fiving and cheering or something idk

ohkayee back again to me from 1am

oh also remus does write the responses to the songs sirius sent him, and they show each other freakin all the songs they wrote (so sirius shows him the summer grass gets in my way and a loser doesn't need an encore in the "original" notebook Elma finds on 8/27 but again this is wolfstar. so rem runs to siri and then they go back and take all the other stuff. and then remus shows him the pre-8/27 but in this case pre-8/31 songs and then writes ame to kapuchiino/rain and cappucino, kokoro ni ana ga aita/a hole opened up in my heart, yuu ichijou/only sorrow and the wolfstar version of amy because well. he wrote responses to almost the entire album. so close yet so far. and sirius is in the back reading the lyrics remus wrote and is just crying the liquid water out of his body because did he really cause his boyfriend that much pain? IM SORRYBDJSJSBDB DJSJSHEHDHDHDHEVRHFIKSJSJSJEGEUDHSHRJRIDJX DNDJE DDKAJWBBDJDISJABSDN9W72URIROAQHENNSOAOWIWKSKSKWKWKKAAAALSOWKMRRFIUY)

also sirius moves to the inn/room where remus stays in while doing the looketh for boyfriend and songwriting thing. remus doesn't realize how salty his pillow smells until now. (one of the downsides of crying yourself to sleep =w=)

i do realize there are some continuity errors in the way the songs are written, like in this au everything's supposed to happen within the same year, whereas in canon elmy everything happens assumably in two consecutive years (it doesn't explicitly state) and because it's written under two consecutive years assumably the songs would have to be written and sent at different times (especially august, a certain place, moonlight and evening calm, a certain place, fireworks.)

edit: so i'm thinking before the events of any of these. sorry if this ruins continuity in this au or something but like before the events of this remus co-wrote the summer grass gets in my way and a loser doesn't need a encore's songs (the first two eps by yorushika), specifically the ones with music videos except for The Clouds and The Ghost (for the summer grass - Say It. & Fireworks Beneath My Shoes and for a loser doesn't need - Hitchcock, Just a Sunny Day For You & Semi-Transparent Boy) and then when he finds the notebook they sit down and review the non-mv vocal songs thus far (Cattleya, Blooming In That Summer, A Loser Doesn't Need An Encore, Compulsive Bomber & Hibernation and they're all bops)

alrighty back again to 12am me :|

moreeee editttttt: so about the song Dance of the Gods. (because i've been freaking obsessed with it since like August) um there are a bunch of lines i want to include so. in the song at the end of the choruses, there are variations of the line "I don't care, I'll go even further, to a place no one's ever heard of, searching for the moonlight" (being "I don't care, I'll go even further, to a place no one can see, and put up an imitation of living" and "That's right, I'll go even further, to a place no one knows of, searching for the moonlight") and i think that's Elma giving up on creating music to give it "value" and "a life of it's own", and creating music because well it's fun but in this au i think that's remus going I WILL FOLLOW BEEF TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH IF THAT'S WHERE HE IS (not sure why remus would call sirius moonlight tho cuz well he's moony) (okay you know what. sirius looks down upon his ability to compose while calling remus' songs his moonlight and that he was jealous of his skills. remus, being the self loathing person he is thinks it's like a light hearted joke or something. now that his boyfriend is gone he's trying to find this "moonlight" boyfriend saw that he couldn't see, wanting to live out his ideals)

and another edit: so the August, A Certain Place, Moonlight and Evening Calm, A Certain Place, Fireworks problem. the thing about the Elmy story is Elma's story takes place a year, i think, after Amy's, so all the songs would be written at completely different times, not necessarily within a few days of each other. i'm thinking sirius wrote August and sent it out to remus and then remus wrote Evening Calm because they sound similar and at first canon Elma imitated Amy before slowly moving on to her own style so these gay messes do too

same issue between Let's Dance and Dance of the Gods - but this time i think Dance of the Gods was written shortly after Let's Dance

and then they go back home which is in Sekimachi i guess (that's the town Elma met Amy so ??? i guess r/s lives there now??? they (elma and amy) met in the cafe (that has since closed down) shown in the rain and cappuccino mv which is allegedly in sekimachi) and live long enough for me not to be able to think about how their lives end because now that i ship them so bad, reading ootp and tdh again would practically (and effectively) traumatize me. i'd be scarred for life. it's like that one scene in nakineko where Kento says he hates Miyo and rejects her in front of the whole class and then she starts tearing up and runs out of the class and Yori follows her and then Miyo is just numb to the pain. she got hurt so bad she can't feel anything. flash forward to when she gets home. *face buried in pillow* [LOUD SOBBING NOISES]

more edit: i just realized. okay so on the last Letter (from 8/31, when Amy runs out of ink) Amy states he quit music once, but Elma brought him back into it, after she showed him some songs she wrote and sung and he described it as (wait lemme pull up the doc) "unerring, faultless light that can only illuminate the night. unimaginably soft, dazzling beyond my wildest dreams, pale moonlight" (ink fades away at the word moonlight) and um now i feel like that's what sirius would sometimes call remus (besides moons or moony)

like no. honey we're gon kill no one today. thank yu. (maybe this is why i read fanfics)

another edit: so you know how i listed here they go home and share the songs they wrote and whatevers?? um now im thinking. remus finishes writing the last 4 songs that in Elma's Diary were written after 8/27 (rain and cappuccino, a hole opened up in my heart, only sorrow and the wolfstar version of amy in case you forgot) and sirius shares his thoughts

so um here

(also i feel like the "still grieving" thing would be remus. just being scared about the fact that bf might just run out the door and disappear again? and feels a lot safer when he wakes up with bf in his arms)

rain and cappuccino:

[first verse] pretty innocent

[chorus] *voice shaking* wow, keeping in track with the theme i see

remus: to be fair, what i responded to had a similar message. ...as if i could let memories of you fade away (no literally like i can't even if i wanted to)

a hole opened up in my heart:

[first three lines] MOONLIGHT BABE STOP IT PLEASE I SWEAR ON THE EXISTENCE OF EVERYTHING I WILL NEVER HURT YOU AGAIN

(for context, the song sirius would've written is false night, whose main line is "I want to open a hole in you", and this song is the response to that, with the main (and first) line "That's why a hole has opened up in my heart")

[end of the song] *lying on the floor, indistinct but very loud sobbing noises*

remus: well i did have to capture what i felt then. more grieving and crying up ahead

(this is by far the most painful song ever it's like a knife stuck in your chest and you take the handle and keep twisting it deeper into yourself just AAAAAAAAA LET ME CRYYYYYYY)

only sorrow:

[reads title] do i bring out the tissues or...?

[first verse] okay wow this sounds nothing like the song i wrote pretty ironic since you tried to literally "live" my life but okay

remus: wait for it

[chorus] okay i sound about ready to cry

amy (or the wolfstar ver):

(before reading/listening) if this is another song about grief i swear im going to go cry alone for the next 5 hours

(after reading and/or listening) *5 second delay* *goes and hugs remus*

(amy as in the song is one of the sweetest songs yorushika has made like ever in their 8-ish years of existence. it responds to the song elma and was written when elma (the person) finally moves on from her grief and now looks fondly back to those days. when her lover oofed himself and she went through sweden crying and looking for him. ...yeah not that sweet but idk)

all the while remus is just writing this and showing it to him like how i do with my art when talking about it with my friends. just "alrightyyyyyyy i did a thing. here. *smacks paper down on table* any thoughts???"

and then [insert healing and fluffy romantic stuff here]

okay thats all for the edit continue reading the thing 12am me wrote

oh shoot now i can't unthink this why T^T

um oh well i guess? i'll probably forget this was a thing anyways

oh but since we're already hereeeeeeeeeee

poof.

ojisuma au

(okay you can steal this one)

(read the novel Plagiarism for context here! the album isn't as important here, it kind of serves as a background noise and also expresses oji-san's experience. oh also yes, the album takes melodies, beats and rhythms from actual songs (as well as their own, in the song plagiarism) so yeah go listen to the album too i guess :D)

sirius is oji-san and remus is tsuma but tsuma doesn't die and they also work together to produce music but what rem doesn't know is siri has been stealing???? all of these sounds??? for the songs he thought was original??? and eventually siri comes to the conclusion that the only original thing he can create is his downfall as a musical artist (essentially just goes through what oji-san does but no dead wife but this is a wolfstar au so no dead husband.) so he does. this is my pathetic replacement for the prank and them not trusting each other. and rem is not happy. (he no trust him no more) but siri then goes and creates the two songs night journey and ghost in a flower because i think oji-san wrote those songs after he destroyed his reputation cuz they sound so different from all the other songs in tousaku (or maybe it was because of nakineko. not complaining it is still my fav movie. there's CATS. there's drama. there's CATS. there's romance. there's CATS. there's magical island with cats. there's CATS. did i say CATS. anyways)

um society as a whole just hates on siri. honestly can't blame society as a whole.

and then he releases sousaku/creation without stealing a thing (applaud for him please. i cant hear you clapping CLAP HARDER) and then *cue redemption arc*

yet. another. edit. : um i feel like adding some stuff so sirius would've written the songs Ghost in a Flower and Spring Thief to celebrate the relationship he had (and will get back) with remus, Night Journey and The Lying Moon as the break-up (but not the like "I'M DONE GOODBYE D:<" kinda songs, more like the "I'll remain here, as you go to the other side" or the "Rain has fallen, flowers have scattered/I still think about your rosy cheeks/as I keep drinking love from a bottomless ladle/It's true, it's tasteless, this thirst that's never satisfied, but you can laugh all you want and say "Is that so?/but I'll be here, just waiting for you") um and the instrumental creation would be a filler, and Robbery and Bouquet would be an allusion to his past self with the plagiarism and the sound stealing and i'm not sure what Eat the Wind would be

and then they get back together ^.^

(ooh but hold on. i feel like making a plagiarist remus and a tsuma sirius)

if the ojisuma au didn't sound as in depth or something know that Dakara Boku wa Ongaku wo Yameta (basically elmy) is like the most iconic yorushika lore

therefore more people are more interested in that (and i am part of more people :P) (also there's more context in elmy than ojisuma)

wow how the hekk did i connect wolfstar. a fanon (that deserves to be canon) gay ship about two friends in a group at a wizarding school that end up being more with... yorushika. a band that constantly hurts me. as in it hurts GOOD. like go listen to yoru magai and then kokoro ni ana ga aita. (with translations cuz im pretty sure barely any of you guys on the wolfstar or sirius x remus tag know japanese) LIKE STOPPPPPP THAT SONG IS THE DEFINITION OF GRIEF AND PAIN AND I DON'T KNOW HOW N-BUNA, A PERSON THAT SAID HE WROTE SONGS LIKE THESE TO EXPRESS HIS VIEWS ON LIKE LIFE AND DEATH CREATE A SONG THIS PAINFUL. LIKE HOW DO YOU WRITE SONGS LIKE THESE???

edit: i didn't connect them i practically forced another universe onto them (also i may be one of the first people to do this idk i have no idea who else is a big yorushika fan and a wolfstar shipper)

okay that is all i think have a nice dayyyyyy/nighttttttt/timezoneeeeeeeee

wait WHAAA

okay im typing this on mobile and??? you can freaking DRAG PARAGRAPHS???

...why don't they make this with tags i had to use little asterisks when i posted that apparently bots keep following me thing

wow this is like the LONGEST post i've made ever what the hell

wow the amount of times i've edited this GOSH

uhm anyways *hand on hip* *thumbs up* woo! *collapses face-down on floor*

[forestryfae]

i dont. understand. when are they expecting us to be able to do laundry. i have an hour in the morning i guess but i physically cant get myself out of bed unless its absolutely the last minute and they dont wait for you to hang up your laundry, theyll just drive away from you.

theres also an hour right after i come home from work but generally i need it to change clothes or shower and to regain some of my energy.

after dinner theres like 2 hours but jesus christ i JUST got back from work and i share laundryday with another guy, i have no idea how much laundry hes gonna do

then theres a meeting every other monday and a dumb bullshit hike that takes like 2 hours then were back around 7:30 or 8 i think and generally after a long tiring hike where noone waits for you so you dont get even one break even tho your legs are burning there isnt much energy for laundry. and then theres that one meal we get afterwards as a reward or whatever for the hike and then at 9 they lock the laundryroom.

so theres like 1 and a half hours there too ig but who has the fucking energy. we need showers too. and to eat. so like yeah theres like a few hours here and there and one load of laundry takes half an hour with the big machine but thats still a very tight schedule. esp considering they REALLY want us to go on the hikes cus its An AcTiViTy ThAtS gOoD fOr YoU.

like. i have limited energy and i only have so much time in the day. i can only do so much in one day before i run out of energy and i need to be allowed to be tired and need to rest too. i dont function well on tuesday evenings specifically because im exhausted. its why i take wednesdays and fridays off. i need the extra rest and time. like. idk how to even explain it without sounding lazy and whiny and kinda pathetic for not being able to do a million things a day back to back. but i actually need time to decompress and shit. idk.

the point ismondays are a shit day to do laundry, i dont want to do it on wednesdays cus i like to have time off but im expected to clean my room the millisecond i wake up and im more often than not woken up with "good morning, what are you going to do today, i think you should do laundry and cleanyour room" like thanks now i cant get out of bed until 12 and i cant do anything i was planning to do cus yall wont stop fucking pestering me if i dont do whats expected of me every single minute im alive, and they never fucking check when i actually do clean and usually cleaning my room results in 'you missed a spot'. like why even botver. its so fucking stressfull and i dont know how to stop bekng stressed and when people try to help they make it worse and itpisses me off so much, i hate having people mess witvmy stuff and moving shit around and touching fucking dirty clothes then moving clean stuff.

like jesus christ im allowed to be tired. i need to be allowed to have hobbies and free time that doesnt result in my brain being occupied by being pissed cus someone told me what im Supposed to do instead of just allowing me to fucking do what i need or want to do. like can i get five fucking minutes where i dont feel guilty cus i dont shower fast enough or i dont mop the floor fast enough and i dont walk fast enough and im not strong enough to just do shit without ever getting tired or needing rest.

were not even doing real therapy rn, i wanted a psychologist and i still havent gotten one, i wanted to talk to the economics guy and i still havent been able to, i cant talk to anyone who isnt my primary contact and i have no idea how to even reach out to her plus shes not always working so i dont always see her, and like. a lot of the time i feel like whatever i say is just Too Emotional and its not actually worth the time but my guy my parents have been treating me like i dont deserve to exist in front of them since i was a fucking toddler and when i got bullied in school my parents thought that was my own fault for getting angry that i was being treated like shit. i didnt fucking grow up with people who cared about me unless it suited them, im fucking allowed to be upset and confused and terrified and worried about shit. it makes perfect sense that i dont understand any fucking thing and im struggling so fucking much. i should be getting help and getting rid of the shitty fucking house and getting diagnosed and maybe even medicated. i should be in fucking therapy and i should be talking to SOMEONE about shit instead of sitting in my room crying every weekend cus i dont know whats wrong with me and im starting to get worried that im just too fucked up to be fixable or atleast able to be liked by people

in other news the laundrymachine was taken and theres stuff hanging to dry cus the people working here did laundry today and now i have to wait until saturday and i have like 2 tshirts and 2 pants and one bra and one sweater thats clean and that will not last until monday

[honeyfreckled]

...

[misora-msby]

night drive

rating : mature

word count : 1.9k

themes : fluff, fwb, mutual pining, implied sex, drug use (alcohol and marijuana)

notes : originally from my ao3, thought i might post it here as well :) // you can kinda imagine this is an au where atsumu’s not doing volleyball in college because this dude would definitely take care of his body better than this as an athlete lmfao

miya 🤢 : “im driving over rn. be ready in 10?”

You grimaced slightly. Atsumu always did this; he’d text late at night, insisting to meet up without giving you much of a choice.

“bitch it’s so late and i literally just finished my assignment gimme a break”

Your reply was read and within a few seconds you received a reply;

miya 🤢 : “Sorry! I’m driving right now and will reply later.”

An annoyed groan escaped you at the use of the automatic reply function. You knew he definitely read the message. It was just like Tsumu to do this.

Throwing on a light cardigan and applying a bit of lip gloss, you grabbed your phone and a little tin box you always brought along on your drives with Atsumu. After stuffing them into the pockets of your sweatpants, you double checked your appearance in the full length mirror by the door. A spray of perfume was used and you slipped on a comfy pair of sneakers before exiting the flat to wait at the entrance of the building.

As promised, Atsumu arrived and you got into the passenger seat of the car. It was a little messy and you had to dust off some crumbs on the seat but it smelt just of him and the cologne he loved to use.

“You gotta stop doing this. Especially the impromptu texting.” you muttered, leaning back in the seat as he began driving.

“But ya always agree to it anyways. And as promised, I never do it on a Tuesday, Friday, or Sunday night, just like ya asked.” he hummed while giving the smirk you hated but loved. And as much as you hated to agree, he was right.

Six months ago, you two had been set up on a blind date with each other by some friends. Miya Atsumu, known as a notorious flirt all his life, and you, a regular student just looking for a change in life. The date itself didn’t go too well but the sex that followed was incredible and so you two had continued with this agreement for the past half year.

And here you were now; on a drive to someplace out of town, a packet of cigarettes to share in the cupholder while the little tin in your pocket contained something a little stronger to smoke. And not to forget the cooler in the backseat which most likely contained at least two bottles of beer.

“Fine… you’re right.” you sighed, crossing your arms as you kept your eyes on the road to try and guess where you two were driving.

“Hey, doll. Light me a cig, would ya?” Atsumu asked. As always, you pulled out the stick of tobacco from the packet and lit it before passing it to him. He took a long draw on it before rolling down the window to breathe it out.

“I don’t get how you’re still so fuckin’ handsome after all the ciggies and drinks you take.” you muttered while taking the cigarette from his hand to have your own draw of it.

“Same goes to you, doll.”

“... T-Thanks.” you muttered while reaching back to grab a beer from his cooler.

Neither of you saw it but there may have been the slightest flush on both of your cheeks.

After that, the drive was silent for half an hour, save for the soft R&B that played and the occasional humming from Atsumu. It was always like this, and somehow the two of you had grown to like it. As much as you complained over and over about it, you enjoyed it. Enjoyed the thrill, the sex, the debauchery, and strangely, the company.

“This place looks good.” his smooth voice hummed while turning into a forest. It was dark and a little scary with how cramped it felt with the towering trees, but your pride refused to let him know that. Plus, you knew you wouldn’t be thinking about it for much longer. He parked his car in a decent spot and unfastened his seatbelt before turning to face you who was just a little drowsy from the beer you had. “There’s a real pretty place I wanna go in there. But first…” Atsumu’s eyes looked darker than ever as he placed a hand on your thigh.

No words had to be said before lips were locked and soft moans were pulled from your lips. It only took a few more seconds before you were both scrambling into the backseat, with him pushing you down onto your back as he grinded his strong hips into your more delicate self. The kiss ensued, though at this point it was hard to call it a kiss as it seemed more like a battle between lips. He groaned softly as he felt your fingers entangle themselves in his blond locks.

The two of you pulled away for a second to gaze into each other’s eyes, dark with lust and passion.

“You taste like beer,” he chuckled while wiping off a little bit of saliva from the corner of your lips with his thumb. His touch was strangely soft, contrasting the way he had kissed you just seconds before.

“Yeah? You taste like nicotine.” you replied with a slight grin on your face. He replicated that smile, a rare sight from him, before resuming your kiss.

* ･ ゜ﾟ ･ * : . ｡ . . ｡ . : * • * : . ｡ . . ｡ . : * ･ ゜ﾟ ･ *

“Think you can walk over to that place I was talkin’ ‘bout?” Atsumu asked while pulling his sweatpants back up.

“Hmm… I don’t know, you were pretty rough tonight. You might have to carry me,” you laughed while putting your own clothes back on.

The man rolled his eyes, though there was the slightest hint of endearing in them as he took the blunt you had half finished smoking earlier and lit it himself, leaning back in the seat a bit. 

As he did so, he glanced over at you - hair messy and strands stuck to your brow from the sweat, your clothes were in a disarray, and marks he had left on your skin covered your neck and collarbones. It gave him a weird feeling to look upon you, like a sort of strange pride. Whether it was because he had given you that messy look, or because he was just proud of you in general, he didn’t know.

“No way, I’m tired too,” Atsumu scoffed and redirected his gaze out of the open window for a second before looking at you. His eyes softened slightly at the pout on your lips before he sighed, “Fine, I’ll do it. Help carry the drinks.”

He opened the door and carefully carried you out in a princess carry before kicking the door shut and beginning to walk. His steps were a little uneven and shaky as he was just slightly intoxicated.

As he carried you, you looked up at him, eyes tracing his sharp jawline and his blond hair. There were bags under his eyes and the scent of sex and everything you two were consuming today mixed into the cologne he wore with his natural scent. Somehow, it was still attractive.

“You’re hot.” The words left you in a whisper without you even realising it. Atsumu looked down and nearly stopped walking for a moment before laughing as he continued to walk.

“You’ve got the weirdest fuckin’ timing. But yeah, I know that.” he replied before setting you down a little later.

“Where are we?” you raised a brow at him, still holding onto his arm.

“Just take a look, would ya?”

Tearing away your gaze from his handsome self to look at the sight before you, you gasped softly.

You stood near the edge of a cliff, just beyond the fence-like barrier, there were paddy fields and the occasional farmhouse providing a small source of light. It was a pretty normal sight, but upon closer inspection, you could see the reflection of the night’s stars in the water of the fields. The twinkling stars shone in pitch blackness, undeterred by the city lights you were used to. The moon looked brighter than ever too. A cool wind blew past your face, refreshing it after the stuffy feeling of having sex in Atsumu’s backseat, carrying the faint scent of spring on it.

“You know, I think being here would feel so much better if I didn’t have your cum in me.”

“Shut the fuck up and enjoy it. You asked for it anyways.”

Atsumu flicked your forehead lightly before pulling you closer to the edge and sitting down on a log, looking out over the fields and up at the sparkling sky.

“Happy 6 months.”

“Tsumu, I don’t think anyone celebrates a fuckbuddy anniversary.”

“Eh, whatever. Fuck and drink buddy.”

“...well uh, happy anniversary!”

“Happy anniversary, doll.”

The two of you looked at each other in silence for a few seconds, slightly dazed expressions on your faces before breaking out into giggles.

“Oh! Right!” you passed him a bottle of beer and opened your own with a spare coin in your pocket. “Cheers!” you clinked your bottle against his before drinking about a third of it.

“Cheers.” Atsumu replied and took his own large gulp of the drink.

You leaned against him the moment he moved the bottle away from his lips. His muscular arm, strengthened by years of playing volleyball made him rather comfortable to lean against. You hummed an unfamiliar tune before sighing in content.

Atsumu looked down at you resting against him. He could get used to this. He realised that lately he had been opting to stay the night after the fun you had together. Whether the time contained pillowtalk or it was just falling asleep in silence, he enjoyed it. Atsumu enjoyed being around you.

You enjoyed it too. People often claimed the blond was an ass but you knew better. There were nights when after you two had sex, the worries of the day or week would catch up to you and you’d end up crying to him. It was awkward at first but he slowly got used to it and eventually would comfort you with food he ordered or a few words of encouragement. (“Yeah it’s that bitch’s fault, go fuck her up.” was probably the most commonly said thing). As the nights passed, you found yourself wanting to spend more and more time with him.

“Hey… the sun’s coming up.” Atsumu said, making you finally look up from your silence. You hadn’t even realised you had fallen asleep on him for a bit. 

As you narrowed your eyes and looked over the fields and fields of crops, you noticed he was right. The first rays of sunlight could be seen peeking over the landscape, bringing light to the sky.

“Woah… it’s pretty.” you whispered in awe.

Atsumu looked over and studied your features for a few seconds. The way your eyes sparkled and was lit by the early morning sunshine, the way your hair bounced just a little as the wind blew, and the way your feet tapped quietly on the dirt in tired excitement. He didn’t want to admit it but he realised he might’ve been falling for you for a while now.

“Thanks for bringing me here. I love it.” you grinned up at him. At the man who you hadn’t realised you had fallen for weeks ago.

“Yeah,” he replied, and in a voice just barely audible to the two of you, he whispered, “and I love you.”

This moment seemed like a perfect time to properly ask you to be his, but he figured he would just let you two enjoy it in silence for a little longer.

[sereniv]

Maybe trying to connect with afro indigenous people in real life is better however I don’t know how to do that. African features are very diverse so I can’t just go off appearances and assume that they’re native and same goes for other indigenous people. There’s no set way to look native of course and also I don’t know where I could go in my area to try and connect with them.

I try to navigate through social media spaces because it’s just easier with my anxiety and also because it’s the best option I have as of right now. I’m sorry ! I’m not trying to make it harder for you and you’ve given me so much advice and so much comforting. I appreciate all the effort you’ve offered already and I’m definitely not taking it for granted. I also really appreciate you looking for me it means a lot. I tried again to look on Reddit but I admit I don’t know how to really navigate it and I also don’t remember the groups you’ve last recommended. I was still sorta met with a lot of comparisons and anti blackness of course but I really am trying to move through it (very hard). A part of me wants to just reconnect by myself but I crave learning from elders and with others. I’m very conflicted and of course with time I’ll come to my conclusion but right now I feel very lost in myself.-🦪

Firstly dont feel like youre making it hard on me, its hard on you! But its true i dont have much left with advice unfortunately

Though my situation is different, im learning the language slowly at my own pace and thats really the most active reconnecting im doing rn.

Because im shy too, and though you have a whole extra layer on why other connecting ways arent great, i think that at the end of the day, you shouldnt be expected to force anything

you shouldn't be putting yourself in harms way just to prove you "really mean it" with reconnecting.

Youre no less native for protecting your wellbeing and only doing what you can. And that may little pieces of things, like learning history or learning a word a month, or just figuring out emotions and what your connection looks like

And even then, maybe theres a bad taste in your mouth rn. But you have time to think about this, always have to remember you have time. Give yourself the time you need to heal from the shit youve had to see and hear, and come back to it, or aspects of it, later.

Its normal to feel lost, even more so with the situation you have. And i want to say it gets better but i dont know. I know its gotten a little better for me but i also dont have to deal with racism

Reconnecting isnt just about action, but about internal feelings. Its confidence i guess.

And if you need to take the time to just...think, then thats ok. Or even not think, thats ok to.

And i know you are not alone in what youre going through. Know that there are MANY afro indigenous people besides you, that felt lost, that felt like just giving up or choosing one or the other

You dont have to be strong and ignore everything and fight through it. Its enough just taking care of what you need.

One thing that i can suggest that might help or might be fun which is what i started doing (but ive taken a break because adh), is getting a little pad of paper like pocket sized, and some gel pens, and write out the english word and then the Mvskoke word, and then a little picture or pictures to illustrate that

Doesnt have to look good, if anything you dont want to put much effort into it. it should be fun and non stressful.

And for reddit id say r/mixedrace is good because its people who are mixed. But ill make a post for you and vet it. Just to make sure

I really hope youre doing ok and youre taking time for yourself! And i hope you have something that can distract you and make you feel better ❤️

[levis-hazelnut]

This is a vent.

You can do what you want with this post but please do read the part from where your name starts in bold and pink.

I have decided it's okay for me to type my thoughts out here In tumblr. Safer than my journal at least lol

So I'm doing okay but I also feel like shit for the past few days lol. To the point where I cried myself to sleep. Ever felt like crying badly but the tears won't come out but you can't even act frustrated? Yeah that too.

I'll be honest. I changed schools so now I have about 3 supportive friends but we haven't interacted much.

My friends from my previous school are really very cool and supportive and it is because of them, I had a thought of exploring me and thinking about my sexuality and everything.

I have a lot of friendship problems. Im kinda losing touch with My friends from the previous school and i saw it coming almost 1 years ago. But I still talk to them bc I like them. I have been betrayed and neglected and taken for granted by loads of people who were my friends. We're still in touch but there is a disconnection.

I really considered them my friends. I trusted them. I was looking for a special bond with them. But it never happened. Half of them betrayed and verbally bullied me. Some of them strayed away. Some were Influenced by other bullies. Some took me for granted.

I'm awkward at voicing out my true feelings. I wanted them to know through my actions how much they meant to me, how I bragged about how nice they were, how I loved it when we went on little adventures and screamed and laughed. But they just had to go away.

My one and only lovely best friend moved away and now we live about 2000 kms apart but we still talk and she supports me (and simple for me lol) and she is kinda like one of the top reasons I'm sane rn. I'm very grateful to have her.She sometimes visits my blog through Google and reads my fics.

I've been having depressive episodes since last year. It's definitely better than last year bc back then, I used to cry in secret like- every single day. Including my birthday. I've actually kinda mastered the art of masking my feelings.

On top of that I have family problems. My dad is not really emotionally present. I hate to say this but my mom kinda victimizes herself. Evertime they have fights, I hear and notice this. It pisses me off but the points they make about themselves make sense. Eventually they make up and they sat down and made me under stand that nothing is gonna happen but it mentally affects me a lot.

Believe me when I say that I love my parents. But I'm growing distant. On top of that there is some toxic advice and they are homophobic oof.

I know there are millions of people with more worse conditions than mine and when I think about this, I get sad and start to invalidate my feelings but with the help of some motivational people, I understand that my problems are valid and I'm allowed to feel sad. At this point I'm like my own supporter. I'm proud of it.

Every time I see jean, I relate to him a lot. Putting a strong front for others but your terrified inside. (Also thighs mm)

So Hazel. Listen to me

When I found out of tumblr and fanfics, I was overjoyed. I spend weeks reading comfort fics by many different authors including yours and it made me feel safe.

I finally decided to make an account and follow people. I mostly interacted with you. There are so many blogs and moots that I follow now, and now I'm not shy or scared to interact with them.

You know why? Because of you.

It is from your blog I first felt like I could feel safe. I never felt weird about going in your inbox more than once. Everytime you responded I felt butterflies. After that when you followed me back, I actually almost cried. Every single time I saw you in my dash, inbox or responding to me, or just interacting with your fellow moots, I felt happy.

And after that I met amber, izzy, and so many cool moots. If we ever met In real love I wouldn't hesitate to give you a big hug and thank you.

Hazel baby when I say I love you, I fucking mean it.

I love you. I love you so much

I love all of my moots, and people who I interact with every day. I found so many supportive people and people from the lgbtq and people who share the same thoughts here.

Thank you for being you.

I hope you never forget how much I admire you. I'm almost tearing up as I write this. All of you guys give me so much motivation to move forward in my life.

himani please the way you had me crying because of this i love you so so so much i cant stress it enough

(imma put a read more cos this got kinda long lol)

im so happy that you found a safe space and you feel comfortable enough to tell me all of this too. you have me on discord as well and i'd always be happy to listen to you if you need to talk or just to simply simp over 2d people lmao

and im so sorry that you've been feeling terrible, it honestly breaks my heart and i wish there was something i could do. i'd hold you and be there to fight everyone for you if i could. if those friends dont keep in touch with you, they'll be missing out and they'd be losing such a precious and amazing person. but once you lose something you always gain something - thats something i've realised so you will find the right people that will stick by you for a very long time ❤❤ i'm so glad you have your best friend there to support you and sticking by you because even when you feel like everything's just going to shit i know they'd be there for you and im happy about that

your feelings are completely valid and im glad you realised that. just know that im always going to be here too to support you and to just be there for you whenever you need it

bye the way you have my heart himani, it makes me so happy that you feel safe here and that you never felt weird about interacting with me. please you give me butterflies all the time, how could i not follow a beautiful person like you. honestly the same goes to you - i love seeing you on my dash and i love seeing you have a great time and interacting with people especially with my moots it makes me so happy i cant describe it 😭

if we ever meet im not letting you leave my side, you're gonna permanently be in my arms

i love you so much more i wish there was a way i could show just how much... im glad you found people you love and those that support you and that give you motivation. and im always going to be here to support you and for anything else you need

thank you for being comfortable enough to talk to me and to share this. you're an amazing person never doubt that 🥺🥰💖

[captainpufferfish]

LIVE REACT LIVE REACT LIVE REACT

(this is my second time around watching this cuz first time I was screaming too much so eh but yeah)

i love the format already the art is amazing and adorable and I love it

ok I feel very called out with the you too thing

roman!!! virgil!!!!

oh no they angy

THE OLD JOKES IM-

ok ro virg lay off him

oh the Roman angst is kicking the fuck in

the chorus of liar I stg

"*insert Shakespeare here*" "what?" "cutie at 12 o'clock" I LOVE THAT

the amount of gay this episode radiates is me whenever im pining over a cute girl and I feel vERY ATTACKED

I love how the 'liar' goes from an accusation to just,,,, "I'm not interested." "liar."

"we don't know if they're not gay" me all the time because quarantine fucked with my gaydar

THE STICKER PIN SYSTEM AH YES IM WELL AWARE OF THIS

BUT THATS A STORY FOR ANOTHER TIME

the "oh. my. god" is so on point

ok mr sand I see your primary goal for this video was just to call me out

the way Virgil can't sit up straight really resonates with my soul or some shit

I may kin virgil now just because of this ep

for some reason this virg has big pre aa vibes and I can't really explain why he just,,,,does, u feel?

the art style is a👏or 👏a👏ble

TEH NEWS REPORTER DESK IM FUCKING DYING

"oooooohhh"...."ooooh" just the transition from yay to nay is so great

"good points guys! I don't want me to be doing this either!" ladies and gentlemen the volume in this bus is astronomical

I'm very familiar with the five second rule

"gay,,gay,gay,,,HES GAY" no shit sherlock

speaking of sherlock where the FUCK is my smart son

"no man!" "uhm, it's ro-man. with an r." CATCH ME KINNING ROMAN'S HIMBO-NESS

better listen to Virgil he's an xxexpert

ROMANS "EASY TIGER" OH MY GOSBDHJWNS

"gay eyes?" "gay eyes" honey those barely work hate to break it to you but I have tried and tested with no good results.

"you were tESTING ME?" "oh no I wasn't testing you I was just panicking" same virgil same

"I hAte To RaIn On YoUr BlAcK PaRaDe, GerArd gAy-" solid reference 10/10

oh my god the stand up sit down thing

"youre making a mistake!" "if I am, I'll add it to the list!" roman, honey, no no no stop if you keep talking bad about yourself im gonna physically fight you

"I don't know, pLAaNT" LSHAJDNDHAG

THE PLAY ALONG THING IM GOING TO DIE OH MY GOD

THE TRASH CAN OH MY GOD THOMAS

this is so sad alexa play despacito

can we get some likes for this fallen soldier 😔

the bird metaphors oh my fucking god

"that's like cyber stalking, but in. real life!" "so,,,stalking" "...OH YOU'RE RIGHT!!" don't worry Virgil I too forget that the outside world exists it's okay

THE SPEAKING FROM THE HEART THING AAAAAAAA

JSHDJSBBSJDBSHSBJSBHA OH MY GOD NICOS FACE WHEN HE COMES OUT OF THE STALL IM DEAD I AM DECEASED

the terrified gay look that they all have is so my aesthetic

terrified gay™

"I was just running lines in the mirror" thomas oh my god why no stop please like dude fuck stop

NICO CAME BACK FUCK YEAH

"AAAAA WHAT" "HE WAS AFRIAD YOUD LEFT?" "HE FEARS THINGS TOO???" yeah virg I think everyone fears things

the sheer gay panic of Roman and Virgil yelling at thomathy to do different things at once is so strong i could feel it thru the screen

"ANACONDA! THOMAS, HE'S A NIKKI MINAJ FAN!!" wow

no he left nooooo

NO ROMAN DONT BE SAD STOP IT WHEN YOU'RE SAD IM SAD

again, I am but a humble Logan kinnie waiting for my smart boy, but also as a Roman kinnie I'm getting the fuel I need

you can bet I'm writing some Logan angst about this tho

VIRGIL YOU HAVE GAINED SO MUCH RESPECT FROM ME

YOUVE MOVED UP IN THE RANKS OF MY FAVOURITE CHARACTERS GOOD JOB YOU LEVELLED UP

so proud that the purp man wasn't a bitch (virgil stans this is a JOKE please don't come for me)

i've only had nico for an hour but if anyone hurt him I would kill everyone in this room and then myself

BOYS ARE HAPY YES GOOD

I am respectfully fan-enbying very hard rn

SJZHSJSA THE BIN METAPHOR

the himbo energy of thomas accidentally outing himself as the one who ran into the bin is just me

hi yes mr sanders you stole my vibe give it back

ROMANS FACE WHEN THOMAS SAYS HE HAD A BRUISED EGO SWANSGKWW

"well let's not waste this one" hhhhhhh I want a girlfriend please and thank you

this has just become me making fun of c!Thomas's gay pining while gay pining

the chorus of "shut up" from red himbo and purp himbo makes me hapy

serotonin check

THE END BIT WITH LOWKEY PRINXIETY VIBES HAS ME SO SOFT

oh my god guys the prinxiety shippers are gonna go WILD I feel it in my bone marrow

"shut up emo" IM SO SOFT SKDHISNSD NO STOP IT THOMAS I WANT TO GO BACK TO BEING ANXIOUS AND FULL OF RAGE

roman's so happy when he says the old joke, I think to myself, momentarily forgetting that pof was a thing and that princey is still v sad

nice patreon promo

AAAAA THEYRE HERE

the happy flustered "oh my gods" make me happy because that's just me whenever I succeed at something

the screaming is just me after the wholesomefest that was this episode

OOOOOH V'S EYESHADOW IS PRETTY ANS SHINY AND PURPLE I LOVE

oh no I've claimed that I dislike virgil and now I'm going soft oh ew I'm going soft

I'm still angry at him for threatening my smart boy but he's better now

I need somewhere to direct my anger this is bad

ANYWAY

"huh! delete it now." ME EVERYTIME I TRY POSTING A FIC SKNXISBSHSA

oh no his eyeshadow went back to the void

I'm always up for some blackhole eyeshadow but the purp was pretty and shiny and crow brain went brrrrr

"yeah! join me, no thinking!" your local himbo, more at 9

"I'm gonna need you to shake your hands" my brain whenever anything good happens

"GAH, DEMON" Florida man thinks dog is demon, terrified every time it barks

"DONT TELL ME TO RELAX" me after this video

thanks for coming to my TedTalk