#im not gonna talk about this a lot im just. processing tonight

[the-kipsabian]

Crush anon here I went through a stint when I was younger of losing some people back to back tho it was months / a year apart and I’ve lost a couple people a few years apart here recently one I just lost a few weeks back another just a few months ago

Grief is never ever easy but it’s much harder when you don’t experience it for a while and then suddenly you’re hit with it so quickly so much at once

The regrets are very very real and valid and I understand the connection disconnection thing felt that way about my paw he was good to me most of the time but was terrible to my mother and bad mouthed my dead nana his ex wife fairly often and she was my entire universe tbh so made for a very mixed relationship with him

Fond memories of eating out with him or going to the library

But then horrible ones of him bad mouthing my nana and him not being allowed at her funeral and him being horrid to my mom who despite my admittedly terrible relationship I still felt so much anger seeing her treated so wrongly

Point is people are complicated grief will be complicated often the more complicated the relationship with the person before they died the more complication with the grief is what I’ve found

I find myself feeling a mixture of hating not visiting my grandma in the nursing home more vs remembering times she blamed me for things that weren’t my fault or had meltdowns over small things and not necessarily feeling glad I didn’t visit more I will always regret not visiting more but it sorta in a way removes the rose tinted glasses I had as a kid before I realized and was told some of the stuff she was doing to me was wrong

I’m so sorry for such back to back losses I could never begin to imagine your exact feelings everyone grieves and feels differently and being numb is sometimes a way we can feel whether it be because we’re not ready to feel properly or we feel like we can’t because we have to remain strong for anyone else or whether it just happens

It’s okay like I said people are complicated and therefore grief will be as well and all that matters is we find what works for us and we work through it at safely and at our own pace

Sometimes it will be all at once other times it will be much more sporadic and sometimes even if it’s all at once there can still be smaller times or even bigger times we have random breaks and everything

It’s all okay, I hope you’ll be alright and I hope this makes sense and helps you somehow

I often use my own experiences to try to help others so <3

yeah its. its a lot rn. my grandpa passed away on thursday and my grandma last night so thats. yeah

the thing for me is, apart from getting hit with all of this rapid fire after not experiencing loss in years, its just.. i didnt really have a relationship in the recent years with either of them. mostly cause my grandpa wasnt really a great person and my grandma was secluded and didnt really like me so like.. yeah. i have a lot of guilt of not trying to mend any relationships like that and just having the rest of the family to handle them, but ive been living with the regrets and could-have-beens the past few days a lot and. its just a lot. especially since now theres two people like that and two relationships that are no more that i somehow need to try to deal with

idk like i said in the tags its a very complicated thing for me. im trying to do this at my own pace but its just.. odd to me. and i know its normal but i also feel guilty about it. about a lot of things, like said. i'll be fine eventually, probably cause thats just how life is and since these relationships werent that good or close.. but it still hurts. idk man

thank you tho, i do really appreciate you reaching out 💜

[pepprs]

i do not want to get out of bed omfg. this week has been so fucking insane im exhausted but we have aprogram tonight until 7 and i have to facilitate and there are a million things to do today

[yuyusboyfriend]

Good Boy ✧.

roommate!yunho drives me crazy bro...

pairing: roommate!yunho x gn!reader

wordcount: 1,7k

content: helping your roommate with a hard problem...

warnings: nsfw, pet names (tiny, baby, good boy), handjob, cum eating, dirty talk (?), lots of praise, sub!yunho dom!reader (lmk if I missed anything)

comments and reblogs appreciated <3

masterlist!˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

When you usually walk through the door after a long day of classes, you'd hear your roommate, yunho, crashing around in the kitchen cooking up something for you both to eat once you got home. Sometimes he would be in his room playing valorant, shouting down the mic to his friend group telling mingi to step up his game -

Tonight? There's no noise. Atleast that's what it seemed like, until you hear a sniffle coming from the corridor as you place your shoes by the door. "is....is he crying?" you whisper to yourself as if the house was going to answer back. As you drop your bag on the counter and take small steps towards your roommates room, all you hear is shuffling, followed by the squeaks of a bedframe.

"No....is someone here with him?", your heart sank at the thought. Not that you had shared this with anyone but your close friend, woo, but some time after yunho moved in, you started having....dreams... about him. At first they were innocent, like playing games and having movie nights, but after the first few you noticed they became more...sexual. The first night you jumped in horror, filled head to toe with guilt and a hotter feeling you couldn't put into words, but grateful that your yelp didn't wake up the boy on the other side of the wall. When he stroked your arm that morning, a normal gesture between the two of you (at least usually), you jumped out of your skin and flinched away from him.

"You okay, tiny?" concern in his voice hitting your ears mixing with the guilt in your head.

"Sorry, yeah im good, just no sleep", you pulled your best fake smile despite all the questions running through your head; why the skin on your arm where yunhos hand formerly was feel like it was burning up? Why was your heart racing so fast? Why did the droplets on yunho's face and neck from the reminence of his shower make your throat feel like the Sahara desert?

"Were you up playing ac with seonghwa again? I told him to not keep you up late anymore, I'm gonna message him aga-"

"It's okay, yunho, seonghwa was probably fast asleep, it was just too....cold", You cut his worrying off with the lamest excuse you could think of. After that encounter, every touch yunho initiated, every time he jumped into your bed when he was bored, or wrapped his arms around you when he put his hoodie on you, made your whole body heat like you had swallowed the sun. You wondered if he did it on purpose, if he knew the control he had over your heart rate....

..."I guess not." You held back an aching tear at the prospect of yunho having someone on his bed that wasn't you. You silently begged the stars that it wasn't the case as you creeped closer to his room. one step. Two steps. You noticed the door was cracked open. three steps.

"y/n please.."

What? did he just say y/n? you stop just short of his door to process what you just heard. Were you hallucinating? was the stress of school and your crush finally getting to your head to the point you think you heard yunho say-

"fuck, y/n please." he says again, this time a litre of desperation in his gravelly voice apparent. He was practically panting out your name in what sounded like frustration, his breaths shaky and uneven.

You took another step forward, finally standing in his doorframe to add a visual to what you've been hearing. Holy fuck.

Yunho splayed out on his bed gripping the sheets with one hand and furiously rocking his hips into the other. His hoodie, once held between his teeth, now pathetically shifting over his sensitive skin making him harder, if it was even possible.

His tip looked red and angry to say the least, his skin was glistening from sweat and he could barely keep his eyes open. How long had he been at this for?

You realise you've been standing here, perving over your unknowing roommate, but as you attempt to step away from the scene of the crime to try and forget what you've witnessed (even though you know this will fuel your dreams for the next month) you felt your keys slip out of your previously suffocating grip.

With a loud clash, no thanks to your 80 keychains, you let out a panicked squeak and yunho jumped to cover himself on the bed at the noise, till he realises what just happened.

"Y/n it's not- I'm-" he tries to get the words out but after his body had been working in overdrive, nothing made sense.

"Sorry yunho, I didn't see anything!" you yelped out as you tried to turn around and run to your own room, but a firm grip on your arm turns you back to yunho.

He was disheveled and had barely managed to put himself back into his sweatpants, the friction excruciating on his aching tip. God, he looked angelic, his hood still over his head covering his sweat drenched hair, and overshadowing the deep red on his cheeks and ears. His eyes darting to look everywhere but yours, eventually settling on your lips.

"y/n...I need... please help me." he whispered while rubbing circles into your arm, scared for your answer.

"sit." Your shaky voice betraying your attempt at being assertive. Nonetheless, yunho walks backward till he falls back, you following in tow.

He's already whimpering at you sitting down and straddling one of his legs as you start to pull his grey sweats down just enough once again.

"god.." You think. He looked big before when he was stroking himself, and you always suspected he was packing by the indent in his towel after showers, but seeing it up close was a game changer.

"think about my size later y/n, please it hurts.." He whimpers out, making you realise you had said it out loud. Putting your embarrasment aside, you brush your thumb down the underside of his dick till you reach the base, where you wrap your whole hand (barely, his girth was just as impressive) and squeeze a little, testing the waters. He cried out in pleasure from your touch, begging for more, and rutting his hips up best he can - in the process giving you some friction making your mind a little fuzzy.

You worked your hand up and down his angry cock turning him into a blubbering mess. Yunho was so overwhelmed by the sensations his brain had short-circuited and all he could blubber out between was "baby please", "y/n fuck, ah", "tiny nnghh".

"am I making you feel good, yuyu?" you asked with a sultry voice and hooded eyes. You could die a happy person right now if this is the last thing you see. God, yunho was in such state, sticky glistening skin looking edible.

"Yuyu. Answer me baby, or I'll stop." You teased, not even sure you'd be able to stop if you tried.

"baby yes yes please god fuck tiny im so close." He huffed out while vigorously nodding his head. What a sweet boy - too bad you couldn't help teasing him a little more. You slowed down the pace making him whine and cry out a symphony of pleads. Music to your ears, you don't know how you lived your whole life without this.

"please tiny, I'll be good please, let me cum" he cried, his voice breaking.

"you sound so pretty like this yuyu... you're such a good boy." His dick leaked precum and twitched in your palm at the pet names, something you'd keep in mind for a later date. You sped your pace back up again and started nibbling on his burning earlobe, making him cry out whatever was coming to his fucked out brain.

"I'm your good boy ah, tiny, please-" and another string of curses and whimpers. You could tell by his tightening grip on you that he was close. He could feel the knot in his stomach getting tighter, ready to snap.

"be a good boy and cum for me, yuyu."

Thats all it took for his whole body to tense up, cum spurting out of his cock in ropes, reaching your face and soaking your hand. He slumped against your shoulder from exhaustion and euphoria as you pumped your hand around him once more, letting him ride out his high.

"y/n," Yunho shot his head up with a sorry expression now that the brain fog had cleared. "I'm so sorry I didn't mean to drag you into thi-" before he could finish, you distracted his train of thought by wiping the cum off of your cheek, and experimentally licking the tip of your finger. A little salty but surprisingly sweet? Before giving him a peck on the cheek to see where his head was at.

He watched in awe as you put his cum on the tip of your tongue, nearly eliciting a second orgasm from him just at the sight. When you pulled away from his cheek a dark blush covered his ears and face, and his round eyes filled with shock that you didn't hate him after that, guilt fading with every millisecond.

His eyes locked with your plump lips before pulling you in to join his. Your mouths molded together as though they were made for eachother, and you swiped your tongue along his bottom lip asking for access. Of course he slipped his tongue into your mouth and kissed you like a starved man, biting your lip and caressing your jaw. After minutes of claiming his mouth you finally broke away for air.

with a glint in your eye looking into his, "So, how you going to repay me yuyu?"

my first fic 😭😭😭 this was suppose to just be drabble but man ....... I love yunho

this isn't proofread or anything so sorry for any mistakes❤️‍🩹

[wettvagina]

'ON THAT BITCH'

warnings: p in v , creampie , cowgirl , reverse cowgirl , backshots a/n: a short smut on how aot men fuck you, took a break from tumblr cuz I had tests for like 2 weeks but theyre finally over so im back & im readyyyyyy so be prepared for a lot of smut

EREN

noww, first and foremost, we all know eren gives the most toecurling, stomach flipping, pussy clenching backshots known to man, he'll put his foot up on the bed, that way his dick is angled to dig even deeper into your damp pussy. & dont start on the shit he says, you know he's praising you from behind as he watches your ass recoil onto him...on a good day. on a bad day however, he'll slut you out like he fucking owns you, im talking about fucking you like an animal, he'll make you cum so much times you'll literally collapse, but he's still fucking you, he'd slap your ass so much times that it'd turn red.

"Fuckkkk!" you moaned out, "Stop- stop, it's too much." you wailed, hands trembling as you grip onto the white sheets, "Oh stop, Now you want me to stop." he laughs behind you, increasing the pace at which he's thrusting into you, you orgasmed for the third time literally five minutes ago, and this man would not rest. "Fuck- I'm sorry." you cry, "Please just-" you cut off yourself with a choking moan, "-slow down." you whimper as your knees began aching, he had you face down, ass up for one hour straight, his dick plunging in and out of your pussy repeatedly, round after round, the vehement thrusts at the start now turned into rough, sloppy pounding as he punished you for disturbing him while he was on his game. "Shit." Eren moaned behind you, grabbing at one cheek with his left hand and slapping the fuck out of your other cheek with his right hand. You barely processed anything besides the expanding string in your stomach, tightening once again, "Oh shit, I'm gonna-" upon hearing those words, Eren pounded into you relentlessly, driving you towards your climax, for the fourth time tonight. "Yeah, c'mon." Eren groaned as he felt your pussy clamp around his dick, causing his thrusts to stuttuer, he screwed his eyebrows together as he clenched his jaw, "Fuck, fuck, fuck." he muttered as he came inside of you, he felt the moistness of both his come and yours coat his cock. He scoffed as he gave your ass one last slap, watching how your weak knees finally gave out.

ARMIN

armin is a whiny little bitch, duhh, yeah his dick is gigantic but he acts like it's a needle or something, afraid to even be the slightest bit rough with you, sorry to say but he cannot fuck you to save his own life, like he acts like such a virgin you literally have to do the work by yourself, and honestly maybe you kinda enjoy it, he enjoys it more though and you can tell, from the way his eyes were looking up at you, as his fingers dug into the flesh of your waist, he'd moan like a bitch in heat and sometimes even cry when you overstimulate him.

"N-no, not again." he whimpers from below you, "Fuck you mean not again, you make me do all the work so I'm gonna help myself out too." you groan, bouncing on his dick with your feet flat on the ground, Armin had came in you already but you didn't even come once, so of course you were gonna use him until you came. "Shit-- slow down." you hear him whine beneath you as he uses his hands to slow your movements. You halt at your movements and you could feel Armin's breaths slow, your knees dug into the ground and you placed your hands on his broad shoulders, using the strength of your knees, you pushed yourself up and down his length before simply settling yourself on his cock, you looked down at him before you started grinding onto his length, "Shitt." you moaned as your hips traced onto his skin, you heard Armin groan under you as you neared your orgasm, he felt himself near his climax too, and with a final draw of your hips you creamed on his cock, your eyes rolled back into your head as Armin's whines and moans filled the room.

JEAN

lets get one thing straighttt, jean has a horse cock, it's literally massive, like gut tearing, but definitely a pleasure weapon, usually you'd enjoy it when he fucks you in missionary or maybe even in a mating press, you enjoy doggy too. but his alltime favorite was reverse cowgirl, for obvious reasons. he loveddd to watch you bounce on him and enjoyed seeing your ass jump each time you landed, eventually when you were tired he'd thrust up into you to get the job done.

Your back dimples were all that Jean eyed before his gaze lingered down onto your plump ass, he'd watch as you bounced on his cock, your ass slapping onto the skin of his lower stomach, he'd groan beneath you as you rested your chin on your own shoulder to look back at him, once your eyes met he smirked, causing you to pivot your hips, his dick was stretching you and you felt it all in your stomach in this position, your eyelids grew heavy and you started grinding onto his dick, moaning as you held onto his knees to weakly bounce onto his cock, "Tired, ma?" he questioned, holding onto your hips before he fucked up into you, making you whine at his sudden movement in your pussy, he fucked into your hole at a godly pace and you felt yourself tighten around his dick when you felt the vein in his cock pulse, you squirted all over his cock as he slowed his thrusts, his moist cock, drawing out of you.

[zerobaselove]

you're worth it | han yujin

pairing: yujin x reader

genre: fluff

word count: 1001

warnings: none! lowercase intended, not proofread!

notes: yujinnnnn!! my little guy ugh he is just so cutie i am so devastated. anyways this was so fun to write as i procrastinate getting ready for work LMAO so i hope y'all like it <3 thank u anon for this idea it was so lovely (i know i didn't go too in depth w the actual sleepover part im SORRYYY)

you didn't consider yourself someone who got nervous particularly easy. especially not when it involved your best friend yujin. everything was easy with him. was. before you had developed a little crush on the boy.

you had done a pretty good job at ignoring the way your heart would speed up when you caught him looking at you, or when your hands brushed when you walked side by side. but you weren't sure if that same ignorance would hold up for tonight, your first sleepover at his place.

it's not a big deal. you repeated in your head. repeating the phrase like a mantra as you approached the door for his dorm. you had met a couple of his roommates in passing but the idea of meeting so many new people definitely didn't help the nerves that bubbled up in your chest.

raising your hand you knocked on the door a few times, the once silent apartment erupted in muffled noises. screams, maybe? you considered, not even having a moment to consider why there would be screaming before the door opened to yujin with a sheepish grin on his face.

you almost didn't notice the swarm of other guys standing in the apartment with wide grins on their faces. some giggling to themselves or whispering, while one you recognized, hanbin, lightly hit them on the arm in an attempt to get them to stop. you couldn't help but giggle at the group of boys, giving them a small wave before greeting yujin.

yujin hadn't realized why you were giggling until he turned around to walk with you into the apartment, letting out a groan, "please just ignore them they're being annoying." he put emphasis on the last word, some of the boys feigning offense, hands over their chests like they had just been betrayed.

"we just wanted to meet your little friend," one said with a wiggle of their eyebrows, "is that so bad?"

yujin let out another huff before reluctantly introducing you to the group. you soon learned the two giggling to each other were gyuvin and gunwook. everyone was so nice and welcoming to you that you immediately felt at ease there. the teasing remarks to yujin also seemed to help as you all laughed together for a bit.

who you remembered to be matthew spoke up as he faced you and yujin, "yujin you're really gonna let them stand there carrying their bags this whole time? not very gentlemanly of you." he shook his head, jokingly wagging his finger as he told him off causing a laugh to leave your chest before you insisted it was okay and that you didn't mind.

"no he's right, you can put your stuff in my room, follow me." yujin smiled shyly, leading you to his bedroom. you both tried to ignore the whistles and whispers from the boys behind you as the door shut behind you both.

yujin sat on his bed with a sigh, "sorry about them, they're a lot." he chuckled. you put your bag at the end of his bed before plopping down next to him.

"don't apologize," you reassured him with a smile, "they're really fun actually, i was more worried if they'd like me or not."

he turned to you with a smile, "oh don't worry, they loved you before you even got here." you let out a relieved sigh before you took a moment to process what he had said, raising an eyebrow.

"yujin," you smirked, holding back a giggle "do you talk about me to them?"

his eyes widened at the accusation, knowing deep down what it implied about his feelings towards you. "well," he brought his hand up to rub the back of his neck awkwardly, "you see," his voice trailed off.

"so that's a yes?" you giggled, placing your hand on his, "don't worry, i think it's cute." as soon as the word cute left your mouth yujin started stuttering some denial as his eyes darted between you and your hand on his.

watching the way his brain started malfunctioning, you knew you were the only chance of this conversation continuing, so you opened your mouth again, feeling more confident now. "i don't know if you know this jinnie," the nickname rolling off your tongue so naturally, "but i like you, a lot."

you watched as he processed your confession, a wide smile spreading across his face. "oh!" he exclaimed, trying to calm his rapidly beating heart, "i uh," his hand squeezed yours lightly, looking for reassurance, "like you too, also a lot." you giggled at the boy in front of you, his smile becoming infectious, soon mirroring his wide grin.

"well good," you smiled, placing a kiss on his cheek, "now let's head back out there before they start getting the wrong idea." you didn't even give him time to think about the small romantic action before you dragged him up and to his door.

what you weren't expecting as you opened the door was the sight of 8 boys toppling over each other. yujin let out a whine at their antics, "were you guys listening to our whole conversation?" he exclaimed, not even that surprised that they would do such a thing.

"pffft no way! we were just,"gyuvin glanced around the hallway, "uhm," his voice lowered to a whisper, "gunwook help me out."

gunwook perked up, straightening out his tshirt, "we were just expecting the door hinges," he said nonchalantly, "one of them has been squeaking and we were trying to see which one it was." he came up with the excuse so quickly and with such confidence that you almost believed him.

you both laughed as you shook your head and walked past the group of boys, making your way to the kitchen, "you might wanna get used to stuff like that, especially since you'll probably be coming over more." yujin smiled as he grabbed your hand, giving it a light squeeze.

"don't worry yujin, you're worth it."

[leehaner]

Talk: Chapter 2

pairing: leehan taesan x fem!reader

genre: ANGST, love triangle, slowburn, eventual smut, fuckboy!leehan, college au, undecided ending + genre tbh im lit writing this on a whim bffs

word count: 2.6k

summary: find out

warnings: suggestive?

A few minutes had gone by and you seemed to be arriving at the party house judging by the cars lined up outside of it searching for parking and groups of people making their way to the front door, there also seemed to be a bouncer. Damn they take their parties seriously here, you thought.

“Is there even any parking?” Sungho questions turning down the music and scanning the street.

“I’m just gonna park in his driveway…. not like he’s gonna give me a ticket” Jaehyun says nonchalantly and that’s exactly what he did.

As everyone seems to be having their own conversations about what kind of night it’s going to be, Taesan hands you back your earbud.

“We should do that again sometime, i like your playlist”, he said while smiling which again made you smile and nod in response. There was something about him that was so charming.

Everyone gets out of the car and you all make your way to the front entrance. The bouncer just seems to be some random guy Jaehyun knows of course and he lets you all in with no issue.The house was rather big and reeked of alcohol, weed and random cologne and perfumes worn by the guests. There was loud music blasting throughout the house but still you could hear laughter and random conversations in the air. You spotted people playing beer pong or dancing or making out or just straight up on their phones.

“Okay I’m gonna go make myself a drink”, Jaehyun says enthusiastically.

“Hey you wanna go make drinks in the kitchen?” Riwoo nudges your shoulder a bit which snaps you out of your observations of the house.

“Yeah sure” you smile

You follow the pink haired boy and the rest of the group to the kitchen.

“Y/n , you want something specific?”Jaehyun asks about making you a drink of your choice.

“Surprise me I guess” you reply, not really having an interest in getting drunk tonight at all but you suppose you’re not too against the idea.

“So Y/n, why’d you transfer here?” Riwoo asks, trying to start a conversation between you and the whole group who only knew about you through Jaehyun and Sungho. Taesan looked particularly interested in what you had to say as he was making himself his own alcohol-juice mix on the kitchen counter.

“It's for a lot of reasons honestly, but the short version, I just had a lot of bad experiences there and I think this school makes more sense for me.” , you reply back. You didn’t intend to still sound mysterious but you would rather not talk about how dreadful your last school year had been.

“Really….how so?

“Just cause I kind of had a few shitty roommates but I live in a single dorm now, we’re only supposed to share the bathroom space”

“Trust me y/n we know all about shitty roommates”, Sungho pitches in as he takes a sip of his soda and they all shoot each other a look. You got the feeling the guy Jaehyun and Sungho were talking about earlier is that shitty roommate. But how bad could he be if they still wanted him to come anyway?

“What do you study y/n?” Taesan asks trying to get the attention back on you, you were taken back that he spoke to you directly for the first time in front of everyone so it took you a second to process before responding.

“I major in art but I’m still figuring out if I want a minor or not, you?”, you say in response, taking the drink Jaehyun had just made for you.

“Holy shit! I guessed you were an art major to Riwoo earlier, I can’t believe I was right” Woonhak says in disbelief, the group all let out small laughs after the comment.

“What gave it away?”

“You look artsy, also Taesan minors in it so I can usually spot when someone is artsy and mysterious” He says teasingly.

“mysterious? you’re so annoying” Taesan questions, shoving him playfully which just made you laugh to yourself at how offended he was by the comment.

“don’t pay him any mind…I’m an open book and to answer your question I major in music”, he says. Immediately after him saying this it makes perfect sense to you.

“So you’ll probably be seeing Taesan more often then right?” Riwoo says, taking a sip of his drink.

“Yeah, could be”, you say with a smile that Taesan reciprocates. You notice after this, everyone scatters away from the kitchen which seemed to have been brought by Riwoo’s signal, he probably thought you two were hitting it off or just wanted to get on the dance floor. Either way you were happy to have some alone time with Taesan.

Without saying anything Taesan leads you out of the kitchen to what seemed like a living room area. There were people dancing and playing drinking games all around you and the music was exponentially louder than before. You both take a seat on the edge of a couch and try to get to know each other a little better.

“So….y/n, what kind of art do you like to do?” Taesan says as he leans in close to your ear, voice raised due to how loud the music was. And you can’t lie, it sends shivers down your spine but you don’t let him see that. As you were about to respond you see a girl coming up to you and Taesan.

“Taesan oh my god! I didn’t know you’d be here! You look so handsome”, She says drunkenly and glances at you as she gets extremely touchy with him.

Does she think we’re together or something…

You get the feeling Taesan is disappointed she came over and ruined the alone time he had with you, he also looked uncomfortable by her presence but seemed to be humoring her to be nice. You couldn’t help but feel bored and with a couple minutes passing by of her still having her one-sided conversation with him, you get up from the couch and mouth the words ‘gonna find a bathroom’ to the boy getting his ears talked off. He nods and faces the drunken girl again in annoyance.

You didn’t really need to use the bathroom that badly but you figured it was better than sitting there watching a random girl try making you jealous over a guy you just met. Judging by the way she was touchy with him they were probably either old fuckbuddies or she’s just really desperate for him.

“Yo Y/n!”, you turn around and see Jaehyun walking over to you.

“I thought you were with Taesan?”

“I was but someone came up to him and they started talking so I just left to find the bathroom”

“Oh okay that sucks though, you good?”

“Yeah I'm fine, just bored….” you say hoping he’d just offer to take you back to your dorm.

“Want another drink?”

“Yeah I guess” you respond and follow him to the kitchen once more, he quickly makes you another drink and hands it to you.

“Oh I forgot, I still wanted you to meet one of my roommates…he just got here a few minutes ago. Just wait here a sec while i find him” , He says to you and walks off.

This must be the shitty roommate Sungho was complaining about earlier. Brushing off that fact, while you wait you take a few sips of your freshly made drink and unlock your phone to look at yourself in the front camera.

“Feeling yourself much?” a familiar voice says

“Staring much?” you snap back without even putting your phone camera down and when you do you're met with the elevator guy from earlier, you don’t know who you were expecting but it certainly wasn’t him. Still, he didn’t suck to look at, his hair and overall appearance was messier this time around though, proving your suspicions from earlier that he probably was at your dorm building for a quick fuck.

“Elevator girl” he says teasingly, grabbing a red solo cup from one of the cabinets next to him signaling it wasn’t his first time attending a party here.

“Psycho” you respond back nonchalantly.

���Ouch …. I thought we had something special going” he says with a fake hurt expression over his face and holding one hand to his chest. You let out a dry laugh.

“So….you’re here with someone I assume?” He asks with genuine curiosity and looks at all the alcohol options before pouring what you think is Vodka in his cup.

“What makes you think that?”

Just a second later Jaehyun pops back up and you figured he’d be followed by his roommate.

“Sorry y/n I can’t fucking find him anywhere but- OH I was looking everywhere for you … Wait, do you guys know each other?”

what the fuck? So this guy is their roommate?

“I guess you could say that”, he responds, and you realize you still don’t know his name.

Jaehyun looks both confused and shocked and it was like you could see the gears in his head turning thinking of how in the world did you and his roommate know each other. “weird…okay. I don’t even wanna know how you know each other so i’ll just go literally anywhere else”.

“…we just met briefly earlier”, you say quickly shutting down any suspicions Jaehyun might’ve had pertaining to your ties to his roommate.

“Right..okay. bye nowwwww” Jaehyun says as he steps away from the kitchen, starting a conversation with a random person walking by.

The boy now gets significantly closer to you than before and runs his fingers through his hair a few times seemingly thinking of what to talk to you about.

“So…y/n right?”

“That’s my name, yes...and I still don’t know yours. Why?” you question

“Someone’s eager… isn’t talking to me enough?” he says which makes you shrug, you were enjoying the back and forth you two are having and for some reason it became some game of who could say the next best coy thing to the other.

“I'd just like to know who i’m talking to is all”

Gesturing to you a bit with his drink in hand, he leans forward. “I could say the same about you y/n”

“You at least know my name”

“What if I wanna know more? If you’re willing to let me of course”

You start to realize the intentions of his words and to be honest you’re not totally opposed to having sex with this stranger. After all, he’s extremely handsome and the way you’re teasing each other with just words is making the tension between you two unavoidable.The only thing is that you did see him get off the elevator on the girls only floor of your building, the thought of having someone’s sloppy seconds doesn’t sit right with you…but it could be fun just following his lead though.

“and how do you suppose you do that?” admittedly you knew what this question would lead to but you didn’t care. This was fun for you.

After hearing your question he downs the rest of his drink and sets the red solo cup on the kitchen counter then extends his hand out seemingly for you to grab. He's kind of a dork you thought.

“Shall we go somewhere a little more quiet?”

This question makes you giggle because his overall way of words is so odd and you can’t predict what he’ll say next but you’re at least 98% sure he’s just like every fuckboy you’ve ever met. You kept thinking about what Jaehyun and Sungho had said about him earlier but from speaking to him, you just didn’t care. You were so intrigued by him and what the night could entail so much so that you disregarded your drink and grabbed onto his hand.

Instantly you felt sparks when your hands touched, he at first cupped them in his but as you both worked your way through the house your fingers somehow became intertwined with one another. Eventually you saw the staircase to the second floor, he never let your hand go the whole way up.

Once you two make it to the top of the staircase he walks over to the first door on the right and twists the doorknob open.

He lets go of your hand gently and steps aside, keeping the door open with his back and his arms slightly stretched out on his sides. Gesturing for you to go inside the room. “M’lady”

You couldn’t help but chuckle at his comment and he smiles at your laughter then closes the door behind him gently.

You notice the bed in the room, and sit at the very end of it facing the boy and cross your legs intently.

“So, your name?”

He walks closer to you with lustful eyes and diverts your question again.

“Would you say you’re a good kisser y/n?”

Shocked both at his bluntness and ability to avoid opening up to you in any way, you still decide to play into his little game for your own amusement. You stand up from the bed and make your way over to him, both of you inching closer to each other at this point.

“Why don’t we find out?”

Without even saying a word he pulls you in by the waist with both hands and presses his lips onto yours, your hands caressing his face. Almost instantly his tongue makes its way inside your mouth and this kissing was unlike anything you’d ever experienced before. He kissed you with so much passion yet it was messy and thoughtless like he lost all sense the minute your lips collided. It was a shock to you considering he kept his cool while talking to you not too long ago. But it was evident, he was completely drunk by your touch and you by his.

It was hard for either of you to keep your hands in the same place for too long. One second your fingers would be messily entangled in his long brown hair and the next they’d be guiding his hands on where to touch you. You began walking backwards and him forward, only breaking the kiss for each of you to catch your breath, smile into the kiss or let out occasional moans. Eventually he manages to get you pinned against the wall, hands wandering your body and you decide now would be a good time to tease him, so you break the kiss.

“Is my kissing good enough for me to know your name?”

“Can I fuck you?” He dodges.

“As tempting as that is, I’m not interested in being the second girl you fuck today”

He perks up at the response confused on how you could possibly know this information.

“How’d you…? Oh the elevator…”, he realizes.

“That’s fair. If I could take that back to have you, I would”

“How romantic” you say sarcastically, which causes a smirk to appear on his face.

“I guess you could say I have a way with words,” he replies making you let out a small laugh.

The boy gathers himself after the intense make out session you had together. He fixes his hair, takes out his phone from his pocket, checks his notifications quickly and walks over to the door.

“ Anyway, thanks for this. I gotta go” he says, almost out of the room you’d just been eating each other alive in.

Despite knowing the kind of guy he is by everything you’d seen and heard up to this point, you couldn’t help but feel disappointed about the way he just up and left so quickly. You didn’t even know his name or the first thing about him but you tasted every corner of his mouth. It felt so backwards and yet you were glad to have gotten something from him at all.

He steps back into the room to say one final thing with an innocent smile.

“Oh! my name’s Leehan by the way”

Leehan. Hm

[the-s1lly-corner]

Hello!

May I request a Kinger, Jax, and Caine x reader where the reader is a classic romantic type of person. When it comes to affection, they are very touchy and kissing their s/o alot. Calling their s/o various nicknames like "dear", "my love", "sunshine"

As well as gift their s/o lots of gifts, just in general very loving and actually has a history of being not loved back. Like, when the reader gets affection back, they look hesitant and even uncomfortable even though they themselves is very affectionate.

Am I self projecting? Yes, but I do like the idea of the reader finally just explaining that even though they have no memory before their life in the Digital circus but they just know they used to have an s/o that didn't love them back so that's why they aren't used to affection themselves. Sorry it got so lengthy, I got really into it lmao Have a wonderful day/night!

Caine, Jax, and Kinger x reader who loves giving affection but doesnt like receiving

i did not have any cool ideas for a title so uh uh uhh long ass title... gonna speed run this because i gotta do some stuff tonight but i would feel bad if i only got like 2 requests done !! to the other anon that requested something (mime anon)!!) i see you, dont worry! i plan on getting to you tonight when im done with the thing!!

CAINE:

okay so i wrote kingers part first, but i think caine would follow the same sort of thing,... would reel himself back in and try to figure out whats going on. i think the only difference is that he wouldnt know exactly how gentle to be since youre his first proper relationship, as well as his first experience with love. now while kinger would be a little upset, i think caine would be genuinely angry. how dare your ex partner! youre a walking god/goddess who makes Aphrodite envious, and on top of that you have a kind heart to match. were they blind? stupid? heartless? whatever the reason, caine ensures that that lost affection is more than made up for

JAX:

i think he would use it as a point of teasing, unaware of your past and just assuming youre just shy about receiving affection. it wouldnt really be until you two actually sit down and have a talk about it, that it starts to dawn on him... but i think he wouldnt be as gentle with it as caine and kinger are.. i think, he would kind of have a "well im not your ex," thought process about it... i think it would take some time to gain a more.. sympathetic and understanding way of thinking but i think he would lay off the teasing a bit...

KINGER:

i think kinger would be over the moon with all the affection you give to him... but the thing is he himself can be very very affectionate, in fact he would rival you in terms of giving.. so this would be quite the predicament... i think he would reel back if he noticed you recoil from his actions, and just, quietly ask if theres something wrong. when you share your feelings, i think he would be fairly understanding... takes things slow, tones things down for you and tries to help ease you into it. he makes sure you know that he loves you a lot, and that he wouldnt follow the same route your ex partner did... in fact he seems quite upset about it, i mean, you are amazing, and you deserve to receive the same energy

[solxamber]

Sol sol

THE ROOK FIC??-?:$9,71(11$8-

Rook is such a fascinating character and your character study felt like reading an appreciation post for him in the best way possible😭😭

Like you wrote him so in character in sucha tender way and like OHMMDISI oh my goodness he felt *real* and just the way you went about articulating his appreciation for beauty in all of its facets was absolutely wonderful and now I’m gonna be thinking about the French man for days on end.

He’s so cute and him being stunned at being appreciated and just *seen* UGH no one talk to me while I wallow and weep at the sheer magnificence of this ficlet. OH MY GOODNESS THE WRITING HAD ME SWOONING BRo

you nailed the cadence and uniqueness of his thought pattern oh my gosh I need this one shot printed into my eyeballs I’m going to go to bed tonight and reread this for sweet dreams istg it was so good PSHCIWHW

IM SO SO SO SORRY FOR RAMBLIMG SO MUCH IM JUST YOU’RE MAKING ME ILL WITH YOUR WRITING 😓😓😓😓😓 /pos!!!!

ALSO AZUL SWEEP)????????

one part of me is caught between jumping with joy because Azul is basically tied in my first, but another part of me was like honestly expecting Jamil to win LMAO (not complaining I swear🙏🙏) I CAMT WAIT TO READ MORE OF YOUR STUFF RAHHHHH🎉🎉

omg omg thank you so much !?*@*# I'm literally bouncing off my walls rn.

tbh it started out as a character study and somehow ended up as a love letter to this absolute oddball. he's so dear to me I'm gonna cry.

everytime I read or write something Rook, I know he's comic relief in a lot of situations but it has to be lonely, being so different in his thought process. and I'm so glad you like my take on him 🫶🫶🫶🫶

and omg Azul sweep!!! it went from Riddle Jamil tie to Azul so quickly.

also please don't be sorry for rambling, it has me kicking my feet and muffling my giggles in my pillow.

aaa thank you so much again, 🫂🫂🫂

[mamisfavmosherz]

AGHH HIEE!! UR SAFIYA HXS WERE SOO GOOD 🙏🏻🙏🏻

COULDD I REQUEST A SAFIYA X READER WHERE LIKE WHERE EVERYONE WAS IN THE LOUNGE TALKING N STUFF AND READER AND SAFIYA WERE SITTING NEXT TO EACHOTHER BCC THEYRE REALLY CLOSE N STUFF AND THE READER HAS A MASSIVE CRUSH ON SAFE AND TRIES TO GRAB HER HAND AND STUFF AND SAFIYA HOLDS HER HAND N STUFF ANDD THEN SAFIYA GIVES READER SOMEE LITTLE KISSES AND STIFF LIKE THAT AND ITS JUST THE FLUFFIESY EVERR!!

SORRY IF ITS ALOTT I JS RLLY LIKE DETAIL 😭 HAVE A NICE DAYY :3 🩷

Pairing: Safiya Nygaard x Reader

Warnings: Tooth rooting fluff, mentions of death, slight angst

A/n: Stop I love this request so much! It's so cute! And it's never too much. The details helped me a lot to write this, so thank you! Although it is a bit short! Im sorry about that! Hope you enjoy tho <3

Masterlist , Escape The Night Masterlist

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Emotions On High

Tonight's events were most definitely not what you were expecting to experience when you agreed to meet Joey and a few of your other friends in what you thought was a fun 'Mission game' Joey had made up, not an actual town saving mission which had gotten a bunch of your friends killed.

The night had been long already, and you had a feeling it wasn't gonna end anytime soon, unfortunately. For right now, though, you were all sitting down in the arcade lounge room, going over what artifacts you had left to cleanse, and what more this mission was gonna throw at you.

You were kinda spacing out, just thinking over everything and being worried for the rest of your friends - and your own - lives.

"Hey, you okay there ?" A soft voice said to you in a low volume, not wanting to startle you. You looked up and looked in your long time friend - and crush - eyes. Safiya was looking at you with worry, but her eyes were soft and sympathetic. You got lost in her eyes for a second. She noticed and half smirked before gently bumping your shoulder. At that, you shook your head and looked down your cheeks, a light shade of pink.

"Oh! Uh, yhea, I'm okay... it's just been a lot to process... tonight..." You said a sad smile crossing your face. Safiya matched your smile and moved closer to you on the couch to try and give you some comfort. She understood what you were feeling on the outside it may look like she's just focusing on the mission and nothing else but this was affecting her too, her whole approach towards this was mostly coming from a place of wanting to get you and herself out of here.

You took in a sharp breath when she moved closer. You've had a massive crush on her for a while now but never said anything in fear of ruining your friendship. Her finger faintly brushed against your leg, and you looked down at her hand before looking back up at her, seeing she was already looking at you. Taking a leap of faith, you decided to hold her hand. You were tentative, but Safiya just smiled at you and moved your interwind hands onto her lap softly, stroking the back of your hand with her thumb.

You smiled even bigger if that was even possible. For anyone else, this might seem small and insignificant, but to you, this was everything. You guys had hugged before and touch hands but it was in a way any other friends would do. This seemed more intimate. You thought maybe it was just the adrenaline and fear of what's going on at the moment that led her to act like this with you, but honestly you couldn't careless you would take what you could get.

Safiya had also had a crush on you for a little bit now and she could tell you reciprocated atleast some of her feelings - you weren't that good at hiding it - but she didn't wanna jinx anything. Right now, seeing you so worried, tense, scared, and giving the situation you guys were in, she didn't care anymore. She was gonna fight with all she had in here to get you both out of this town, but it wasn't guaranteed that you guys were gonna make it out, so she threw caution out the window.

Seeing you lost in thought again she lifted your interwind hands up to her lips and left butterfly kisses on you hand. At that you head snapped to her. She stopped for a second scared she crossed a line but at seeing your shocked but clearly happy face she continued. She saw you relax and lean more into her so she slightly repositioned you guys so you were now cuddling. She started leaving light kisses on you head and hands, which she still heald, and you sighed content, forgetring for a second what was going on around you.

You guys would definitely need to talk about this later, but for right now, with how uncertain things were, you were just happy to be in eachothers arms.

[crazyf0rswayze]

Can I please request a love story with Johnny where Tae and Johnny have the same personality and and has abusive parents like johnny. So they really understand each other really well. And they really liked each other. On day the gang descided to play truth or dare and johnn6 was dared to kiss me.thank you so much and I loved you other story!

Johhny x Tae: Parents

Warnings: cussing, violence, mentions of suicide.

Tae, I know you asked for the two to have a similar personality, I tried my best to do so, but it's not the best 😅

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"IM SO SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR BULLSHIT" Tae's dad yelled at her mom.

Tae was sitting in her room listening to her parents fight. Her favorite record was playing at full blast, but it couldn't block out their screams and yells. Tae heard glass shatter and then she ran down stairs. It was just a vase, no one was hurt...

"Tae....go to your room" her dad said

"NO" Tae yelled before running out of the house. She ran like a track star, she was going to run to the lot, but then she heard a car pull up.

'Shit...' she thought 'socs'.

She pulled her switchblade out of her pocket just in case

"Darling is everything ok..." A familiar voice said...

'Darrel' Tae thought....'its just Darrel'

"Come on Tae, I'll take you to my house"

Tae stood there, she couldn't process anything at the moment, nor could she speak.

Darry slowly got out of the truck, careful not to spook the scared girl.

"Easy Tae, come on. I'll take you to my place and you can stay there"

"Ok..." Tae said quiet as she walked around the truck to sit in the passenger seat.

"You're parents again?" Darry questioned as he walked Tae inside the house.

"Y-yea" Tae whispered.

"Ok...ok. are you hurt? Did you get hit at all?"

"No..." Tae responded.

Darry had always made sure she was ok after she ran from her house. When she got hit, he would take care of her, and clean her up if she got cut. He was like a big brother to her, and he was a very sweet man. He was one of the only members of the gang that she felt like she could talk to...besides her closest buddy Johnny. Johnny's situation was just like hers maybe a bit worse, his mom usually didn't care about him, and his dad ignored him unless he was drunk.

Just then Johnny came walking slowly into the house. Tae looked at him to see blood on his face.

"JOHNNY" Tae yelled. The scared boy flinched at the yelling, even though he knew it was just his friend.

"Sorry, I don't mean to yell" Tae said.

Johnny heard her, but he didn't respond, he just kept his head down and walked to the bathroom. Darry followed him and gave Tae a look that said 'just don't worry, I'll take care of him'

Tae opened her mouth to object, but Darry closed the door to the bathroom before she could say anything. She heard some whispering...

"...buddy it ok. I'm gon' get you cleaned up and then you can sleep here tonight" Tae heard Darry say

"Na Darry, you don't gotta do that"

"Look bud, it's the least I can do, just at least let me get you cleaned up"

"Ok..."

Tae heard Johnny start to cry a little.

"I'm go so sick and tired of my parents fighting"

"I know, I know" Darry said.

Tae heard more cries.

"Come on, lift you head up so I get you all cleaned up" Darry said softly.

To be honest, Johnny and Tae were the only people that really got to see Darry be soft, and sweet.

Tae heard little whimpers and winces as Johnny's cuts got cleaned out. Tae sat down in the couch, waiting to see if Johnny was gonna be ok. Darry and Johnny walked out of the bathroom, and Johnny's head was still tilted down so Tae couldn't see how bad it was.

"Johnny..." Tae said softly

"I don't wanna talk ok, j-just leave me alone" Johnny said quickly as he sat in Darry's recliner. Darry was going to bed, and he didn't really care that Johnny sat there.

"Look Johnny, our situations are similar. I don't wanna fight, and I don't wanna pressure you, but you can talk to me if you need or want to" Tae said as she got up to get blankets.

"I'm just tired of it. I feel like Im always blamed for the fights...a-and I feel like it's never ending. The only way they'd be happy if I just died"

"DONT YOU EVER EVER SAY THAT JONATHAN" Tae said as she walked back towards the boy. She had dropped the blankets before walking over

"WELL ITS TRUE!" Johnny yelled back

"HEY HEY HEY, I DONT WANNA HEAR NONE OF YOUR YELLIN'! YOU SHOULD BE YELLIN' AFTER HEARIN' YOU PARENTS YELLIN'. HAVENT YOU HEAR ENOUGH YELLIN'" Darry said as he walked out of his room.

"HE SAID IT WOULD ALL BE BETTET IF HE DIED! TELL HIM DARRY, TELL HIM SUICIDE ISNT THE ANSWER" Tae yelled out

"Johnny, don't even think of doin' that. We need you here." Darry said softly.

"See! I need you here, Dally can live without you and neither can Ponyboy" Tae exclaimed

"Yea...I know...but-"

" No buts, now both of you get to bed" Darry said as he walked away and came back with the blankets Tae dropped.

"No more fightin'" Johnny said finally looking up at me.

"...it's bad...the cut I mean..." Tae said walking towards Johnny.

"Are you gonna be ok?" Tae asked

"I'll be fine...yea" Johnny said just above a whisper. The pair were close now but then Tae walked back to the couch to lie down.

"I'm really really sorry for yelling Johnny. I guess I was still heated from my parents fighting. But I don't want ever wanna hear you say anything like that again. I'm not sure I could live without you Johnnycakes"

"It's ok Tae...I get it. I-i wouldn't actually do that to my self."

"Good" Tae said as she cuddled up in her blanket.

She felt Johnny staring at her...was he mad?

TIME SKIP TO A FEW WEEKS LATER

"Hey Johnny!" Tae exclaimed as she saw Johnny walk up to the Curtis house. The gang was gonna have a game night.

"Hey Tae Tae" Johnny said with a smile. He lightly hugged her. Over the past few weeks the two teens had become a lot closer than before. Maybe because Tae was watching out ever since Johnny talked about him dying... Johnny walked in and said hi to everyone else sitting in the living room. He sat next to none other than his best buddy Dallas Winston. Dally nudged him

"I see you're picking up a broad...I'm proud of you" Dally said chuckling.

"I'm not picking her up...w-we're just friends"

Dallas snorted "Just friends my ass Cade. I see you two, eyeing each other and everything "

Darry looked at the pair talking and when Johnny looked up to see Darrel glaring at them Johnny got red. Since Darry cared alot for Tae, he didnt want her getting hurt. But he knew Johnny would hurt a fly.

"Alright what game first" Darry asked

"You know, I think we should play good ol' fashioned...truth...or dare" Dallas suggested.

Everyone looked around at each other and shrugged

"Yea sure...sound fun" Sodapop said

"Oh this is gonna be fffuuuunnnnn" Two-bit said.

After a few rounds Dallas asked Tae

"Truth or dare Tae..."

"D-dare i-i guess"

"Oh how wonderful Tae." He said with a smirk, "I dare you to kiss Johnny"

"N-no Dally. Let's not, pick something else" Johnny said.

"No, I think I'll stick with that..."

"TAE YOU DONT HAVE TO" Johnny blurted out quickly. He was as red as a tomato by now.

Tae slowly walked over to Johnny and pecked his cheek. He was redder than before, if that was even possible.

"T-thanks" Johnny said.

"No problem" Tae said with a wink

[floofsselfshipblog]

What song lyrics do you most associate with Nico and Walker? Why does it fit them?

[Slams their playlist down onto the table] IM SO GLAD YOU ASKED-

I associate- 4 songs with them so far, so imma go over the lyrics from those that fit them most

For Forever - Dear Evan Hansen

“An open field that’s filled with trees/We pick a spot and shoot the breeze/Like buddies do”

“Telling jokes no one understands/Except us two/And we talk and take in the view”

Our nature boys, a majority of the fic ideas I have is just them being friends while exploring the woods TwT

“He looks around and says to me/‘There’s nowhere else I’d rather be’/And I say ‘Me too’”

Walker and Nico are each other’s first- true friends. Aside from romantic interest, they care a lot about each other and can’t see their lives without the other

“And there he goes/Racing towards the tallest tree/From far across a yellow field I hear him calling,/‘Follow me!’”

Climbing a tall tree is just very in character for them and I’d absolutely write them doing this

“I look around/And see he’s come to get me/He’s come to get me/And everything’s okay”

Walker isn’t used to having someone- be concerned for him. So knowing Nico would get him if he was hurt, makes him think everything will be okay. Even if the situation is terrible

Stupid With Love - Mean Girls: The Musical

“When I was five, I fell in love/It didn't last”

Walker had bad friendship luck…so his love luck is about the same

“I memorized a lot of pi/Because additions and subtractions and division/Would never make me feel/So stupid with love”

Speaks for itself- Walker’s whole thing is that he doesn’t get people, but he gets science. Science doesn’t make him feel like he’s doing something wrong, since it’s all apart of the process to mess up

“So thank you, math, for being there/To bring me joy/And thank you, math/‘Cause now brought me this cute boy!”

Walker’s mathematics skills are…kinda to thank for him meeting Nico. Like calculating angles won him the pool game, and impressed Nico

“Stupid with love/But I can get it/Watch this girl self-educate/I learned math so I can learn love”

Walker is sure as hell gonna learn about love and people for Nico- even though Nico probably has to research it himself as well TwT

Sunflower - Rex Orange County

Ayyy one of your suggestions-

“I don't wanna see you cry/You don't have to feel this emptiness”

Nico wants to comfort Walker- he doesn’t fully know why he’s here, but he knows it isn’t good so he’s gonna make him feel like he belongs

“I promise I'm the one for you/Just let me hold you in these arms tonight/I'm lucky to be me and you can see it in my face/Back when I fucked my shit up too many times/Why would I let myself get down in the first place”

I wanna write Nico’s view of Walker so badly and this- this is it! He cares about this snowball of anxiety and doesn’t wanna fuck it up

“And so she sat me down and told me that I didn't have to cry/Said I didn't need to get down and feel empty inside/And told me that she'll love me for as long as she's alive”

👏 MUTUAL 👏 COMFORT 👏

Sweater Weather - The Neighborhood

“Use the sleeves of my sweater/Lets have an adventure/Head in the clouds but my gravity centered”

I feel like this fits both of them fairly well- ambitious for adventure and exploring, so much it seems they have their heads in the clouds- but their goal is in mind

“Inside this place is warm/Outside it starts to pour”

They find comfort in each other. They’re each other’s happy place for the shit they deal with

A lot shorter than the others, but I had fun! Thanks a lot bud ^^

[lunarsapphism]

i got my birthday cards from my dads family tonight. i swear i almost caught myself opening them more carefully this year. ive never kept any of them. i dont think it would have been good for me, but i wish i did. i think that getting rid of them makes doing this every year easier. more like a transaction, less like real people. im a sentimental person but i try not to be. people and things mean a lot to me and its really hard when i try to push everything away. i always pretend that i dont care about whats written in each tacky piece of folded cardstock with crudely printed cakes and balloons and flowers on each of them but i think i do. i think i always have. i read them quickly and make a facial expression that represents something between nonchalance and disgust in hopes that that performance is enough to keep myself from crying.

its an indescribable feeling, this one is. it comes out as tears but i dont think its sadness. I think its an amalgamation of every complex emotion ive ever felt. its grief, anger for sure, and something else. i mourn for something that once was, that i know ill never have again. half of the people i hear from every year are dead now, they all died this year. i could talk to the living ones again, but ill never get out of it exactly what im seeking because thats impossible. im not the child they knew and they're not the people i knew. we're different now, but everyone always stays the same in the worst ways possible.

my sister said "they're bad people, but they're still people," and i think thats what gets me the most. they are truly inherently bad people. they are harmful and unsafe. and i miss them. not for who they are, but for how i remember them. still they grieve and mourn for people i once knew too, regardless of how horrible they are and were.

its a weird thing, to mourn as an adult and a child at the same time. nobody tells you that that's something that can happen, but it is. how do i, at twenty years old, process something that ten year old me never got to? twenty year old me doesnt feel much for these people and this situation. she's been through a lot and has learned to expect very little of people. she cares too much and she's always scared but she'll never tell anyone that. ten year old me knew too much and not enough. she didnt know why things were happening, just that they were and that things were unsafe. she didnt know that that was the last time she was gonna see those people. she really cared about them. maybe she would have said something. i know she wouldnt have. she didnt know how. i still dont. not even when i had the chance. we're still the same person, her and i. we're different in many ways, but fundamentally very little has changed. maybe thats why this is all so hard.

id like to talk to the younger me, i think. someone needed to give her a hug and let her cry on their shoulder. i wish i could be that for her.

i hope that somewhere in another universe im living happily with no emotional burden. not for my sake, but for the sake of the little girl i was before i was me.

[ventilation4thesoul]

so, po texted me today and asked for us to get the chance to talk tonight. he was very to the point, she didnt really say a lot which was shocking since they were the one to initatie? but ok i guess, were keeping our distance. They apologized for thursday and for cutting it off, and said it wasnt because i didnt remeber wht they said, it was bc they had other feelinsg from before in our session and had a lot of weird feelings going on, which i can relate to. She wanted to share the score cards we made, but i said i wasnt ready / didnt want to do that. I felt like it would have amde things worse, or raise more questions and negative feelings, which seemed to upset po since they wanted to share them, but like ultimately if i say no you cant press them onto me. i respect your boundaries and so you must respect mine. that is what happens lol. but regardless- we did agreee to share the 3 best moments with each other. mine were in a lot more detail (no suprise lol) but 2 of the moments po chose were really interesting to me.

th first one was from our second (i think?? maaybe third) date at the arcade, and how me taking care of him and comforting them with their fucked up knee made them feel safe, cared for, and like they could be vulnerable with me. the secon one was actually about saturday night, how we had a miscommunication and how later we talked about it, and left each other alone so po coud process his feelings, and that made po feel optimistic about how far we had gone as a couple.

The last one was the least suprsing, i knew he was gonna put this one lol. it was about the first petplay party last acfi, and how well it went and how happy he was to do it. i still have mixed feelings about that party but i did really enjoy it, and i know how important it was to Po.

he left off with "love you, see you Thursday" so i said "i love you too. can i tell you again tomorrow?" and he just replied with "sure" which doesnt make me feel good, but oh well. at least i got a "love you" out of it. Compared to nothing, ill take it.

ALSO MY DBT BOOK GOT SENT TO SWEET CADDIES INSTEAD OF HERE UGH so po's brining it with a few of my other things (idk what those could even be tbh) for me on thursday. pissed about the book bc i wanted to start on that TODAY but oh well. i think i should wait till friday to actually do it since therapy with po is going to be hella draining i bet. but hopefully not, we'll see i supose.

tomorrow im still going out with julianne, and i also wanna do a release ritual since its the eclipse starting technically! excited for that, and excited to keep moving forward with healing.

for right now, i am doing good. Tomorrow will be good to, i know it.

[navire190413]

walking to the train after work now doing my favourite activity. 歩きスマホ. ah yea. walking while looking at your phone is my only proven method to not run into people when walking thru shibuya scramble. if you and the approaching person both try to dodge each other, then both go the same way, then the same way again. yea you know what im talking about, but if they just avoid YOU, its fine. i know this logic is so fucking stupid and dangerous but hey. 

also something comical about blasting chappell roan into my ears while in this environment to the point i cant hear anything else. definitely a comical vibe? i guess? 

when i get off work, i remove my work shirt so noone mistakes me for the salarywoman i actually have become. ive even stopped going to the bar everyday, so maybe i am a responsible adult now. 

i saw these two girls today and thought this was a smart idea 

okay, im on the train now. 

im tired of checking social media, waiting for my ex to respond to me, and thinking about what to say to my friends’ texts. so ill just type about my day. 

i drank quite a bit last night at home and fell asleep around 2am while rewatching anthony bourdain shows. surprised i managed to wake up this morning at 6:30 without feeling any effects from the alcohol or lack of sleep. unfortunately, people were in and out of the shower so much i didn’t get a chance to shower before coming to work. which is honestly my bad. i know if i don’t shower at night i won’t be able to. 

i’ll be moving out of my share house soon, thankfully. 

i just snagged a seat before another girl could heheh

my ex said he’d go eat fish with me tonight then cancelled. after cancelling yesterday, too. so that was a big trigger for my ocd and made it hard to focus on work. im learning a lot of confusing data processing programs right now and trying to learn them, analyze the data, and have my brain filled to the brim with repeating anxious thoughts…. fuck man. it blows. this isnt the blog post i’ll spill about my ex but he’s the worst and we hate eachother but also are still best friends. a very bad mix for mental illness and just very dumb for a 30 year old to be doing. what do you mean i havent learned yet 😂

atleast me and my friend are getting yakiniku right after work on thursday. i haven’t seen him in a bit since we’re mainly drinking buddies and he had to stop to take pain killers for awhile. anyways, thanks to my ex i found a yakiniku place that allows smoking, and its all you can eat and drink for ¥4000 a person. the meat isnt bad quality, either. but yea, gonna treat my friend to that thursday. 

im still on the train… 

made it to the smoking area. 

i always smoke before getting on my second train home. my boss hates smokers so i don’t smoke before or during work. i should really just quit at this point haha

[snflwrboy]

Thoughts of a grieving person

09.08.24 03:49 am

I lost my sweet, kind mother to cancer this December. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. I struggle to put it into words my thoughts and feelings, there’s so much going on in my mind, so much I think about at all times, so much distraction and averting going on so I can attempt to carry on and live a normal life. Even when it’s over half a year since she passed, it’s as painful as if it was just last evening she left us.

Im gonna be adding onto this post my thoughts, memories, whatever I need to keep myself grounded. I’m gonna be talking about death. A lot. And the process of witnessing your most loved one pass away. It will all be under the tag #EmsThoughtsOfAGrievingPerson

Hopefully it isn’t too much of a buzzkill to your feed. I’m sorry if it gets too much. Feel free to unfollow or block me if you don’t want to deal with it anymore.

Hug your mother closely tonight.

[softjaeyvn]

August 9, 2024 | 1:21am

heyyy,, sooo its been a minute since i last updated my blog and 2023 has been a wild year with a lot of ups and downs, but im not really gonna talk about those stuff tonight.

today and the past few days has been kinda hard for me despite being on break from school. idk if i told you guys but i passed (well, reconsidered) my dream university! ust has always been the dream for me and never in a million years would i have traded it for anything. i was both excited and anxious on moving to schools, the expectations, the new environment, the people, and the overall culture. you can’t imagine the happiness i felt when i got accepted here in ust. many times during the reconsideration process i have felt on giving up but i pursued with it just to get in to my dream university.

now, i’m currently in my senior year of high school (yahoo) and ill soon be graduating ust-shs! ever since i was a kid, i had my eyes on which dream profession i would pursue when i grow up. but lately, i became undecisive on which course i’ll take in college. since i’m really into photography and filming, i kinda wanna take ab communication arts and my friends also adviced me to take ab comm instead of bs tourism since ab comm is more broad when it comes to picking your job in the future and i read that you don’t really have to take bs tourism to become a flight attendant so all roads lead me to ab comm right? but the reason i’m conflicted between these two is because of (1) most of my friends that is my blockmates are leaning towards bs tourism. so if i take ab comm, i would probably have to make new friends again. but there’s also a part of me that wants to distance myself from them since i had trauma with most of my blockmates. mostly because they don’t cooperate much and only do the tasks last minute and i dont like doing last minute works, (2) i researched the subjects from ab comm and bs tourism and compared them from one another. im nervous for thesis writing which ab comm has on 2nd year up until 3rd? i think. anyways, im not really that good in research and my last research took a toll on me bc of how incompetent my groupmates were. one even had the audacity to use chatgpt to search for our theoretical framework AND didn’t show up during the defense day. and lastly (3) my ate graduated from the same course (ab comm) with latin honors (cum laude) and that just makes me want to achieve latin honors too. no one’s really pressuring me to achieve anything and its mostly just me putting pressure on myself to do well so that i can match the efforts and achievements my relatives had. idk but to me, if i don’t achieve something in the course taken by one of my relatives before, i would think i’m not working hard enough and that i’m a failure. if i apply for ab comm then that pressure would be put onto me by myself. i don’t want to become a shadow of one of my relatives that graduated with latin honors just because i enrolled the same course as her and couldn’t match her achievements. all im saying here is that i’m insecure of how smart my family is and im not. they all achieved something in life while im just here. existing.

These conflicts about my course in college just scratch the surface on why i’m ranting right now. since i’m already a senior, i’m entitled to take all the cets from the big 4 universities. upcat was the first among the four that opened its doors for admissions, of course i wouldn’t miss the chance to apply so i did. as i’m writing this, it would only be 1 day left till i take upcat. i’m already getting burnt out because i wasted my time goofing around instead of reviewing for this. i asked for reviewers from my friend that attended a review session today and watched some of its lecture videos then got to answering a mock test. idk what i was honestly expecting what my grade would be but i was surprised that i got only a 30% and that is definitely not good. i know that that’s what i get for not reviewing enough but i was still somehow disappointed with it.

now, this wouldn’t really be a big of a deal for me since i’m only taking the test for added experience, im already thankful that i got accepted in ust. i just think of it as bragging rights for when i do pass. it’s honestly rewarding to see a “congratulations” on the screen and people would immediately think you’re so smart because you passed one of the most hardest to pass cets in the country.

why am i ranting over this? you might ask. ever since i got enrolled here in ust, the tuition fee is not a joke. 50k for one semester, that would equal to 100k for just one school year. now, i know that this is the consequence for enrolling in a prestigious university but the desire to get into my dream university blinded me from these kinds of things. now that i’m in my senior year, the fees increased by 4% and went from 50k to 60.5k for one semester. and that really took a toll in both me and my mom’s finances. we already applied for a voucher from peac since the start of my junior year but it has still yet to be applied so my mom is still paying full installments for my tuition fee. we also recently applied for a scholarship from our local city to try and somehow get discounted prices for my tuition. but, if my application doesn’t get approved, i will probably say goodbye to ust sooner.

When i was still choosing on what university ill go to for shs and college, staying in ust wasn’t really my plan at all. in fact, i thought that i’ll just take shs in ust and then transfer universities after. but that changed when i experienced what it’s like to become a thomasian to the point where i grew fond of the campus and lore and even the people that are just so so friendly and welcoming. i didn’t wanna leave so soon. i don’t want to suddenly leave after just 2 years of staying there. i want ust to become my second-home up until i graduate college.

my mom has been urging me to review and do well for upcat because it’s a state university and doesn’t have tuition fees (they probably still have but lower compared to ust) and given our current financial situation, she badly wants me to pass upcat. but i don’t really see myself in that institution and i just don’t think i have the mental capacity to pass that exam. now, its putting pressure on me because i might lose my chance of staying in ust in college, this might be my last year in ust and being a tomasino; or i might lose my mind if i ever do pass upcat and become an isko for college. i’ve already heard stories from seniors that they got delayed from graduating at up because of how hard it is to study there, and their thesis there are supposedly individual work which just goes back to my rant over me being conflicted with my course to take in ust (i hate research and im scared of thesis).

i honestly would love to study in up but im just being realistic with myself, i may bite more than what i can chew but that doesn’t mean i’m over optimistic to myself. i don’t want to have an expectation brought unto me just because im studying in ust or up. i really do hope i get the chance to stay in ust because i can’t see myself in any other university other than ust. ust has only been my home for a year and it has been a life-long dream to study here. i have yet to experience many thomasian traditions and i don’t wanna leave just yet.

ps: it’s been 2 days since treasure’s 4th anniversary! im really proud of them. i probably wouldn’t be the person i am today if i haven’t met them