#im more or less projecting lol

[mmmmbreadsoup]

Rough Day

1.6k words

Tw: self-harm, self-hatred, mentions of blood

Summary:

You had been having a rough day when it all comes crashing down. How would Michael react when Michael catches you self-destructing?

It had been a few months since Michael had found you. It almost seemed like a twisted daydream you were stuck in. After Michael had taken you in, there were only a few incidents. Such as, your father finally noticing your absence which led to the police finding you in Michael’s care. That little fiasco didn’t go so well, as Michael was known for his violent and brutal ways. No one came looking for you after that.

Speaking of violence, recently he had been coming back with piles of money. You had taken this as a gift to spruce up your room in his house. With that much cash, you were able to paint your room pastel yellow to fit the rest of the house, and decorate your room to the best of your ability. It had been probably years since someone changed the light, so changing the light was on your to do list. Scrounging up the last of your money, you went to the hardware store. That was mistake number one of the day.

Ever since you made your presence known, nobody dared to step foot within six feet of you. Which was to your advantage at the moment because you need space to relax. But also, because lights needed to be chosen. You were choosing between a wall light and a ceiling light when you dropped something. Normally that wouldn't be that bad, but today was going so bad already. You had been doing good to keep the thoughts at bay, but with little to no coping mechanisms, there was only so much you could do. The rest of the trip went by fast, with you getting what you need, but also getting something that you would regret later.

Getting home wasn’t too eventful except for the fact that the radio was nothing but static. That was tragic. Now you were alone with your thoughts and a painful sound to cage them in. 

Once inside of the door, you finally let the tears withdraw from your stinging eyes. You didn’t want to crash, so you had to fight back tears on the way home. Which was honestly worse, as you had to wipe your eyes multiple times, because vision impairment was terrible for a driver.

Looking around panicked, you realized Michael wasn’t at home. That wasn’t good. That was definitely not good at all. You decided to at least try and get by those thoughts. You were never able to sit still in the beginning of these parts. Pacing around the kitchen, your eyes continually traced back to the block holding all the kitchen knives. You tried your best to block the thoughts out, anything to occupy your mind, but nothing came to exist in your mind except for the overly loud thunderous intrusive thoughts. Slowly you became more and more numb with each passing second. The tears had run out, and emotions were no longer present. Making up your mind, you crept up the stairs with light ghostly steps. Just in case Michael was home, you peeked into every room. He wasn’t there, that was both good and bad. Good for your more irrational part of your brain, and bad for the part of your brain that was trying its best to signal hesitance. 

When you looked down, your hand was filled with a brand new blade. The metal handle was a metallic color. You had found it best suited for the job but also because of its nice color. You pulled your pants a bit of the way down to get a look of the scabbed lines holding place on your thigh. They were still healing, which just meant that you’d have to go a bit more down than you were expecting. 

This was the part that always made you give it a second thought. But those doubts never lasted long. The wave of hate washed over you again as you brought the blade to your lower thigh. Pushing inwards, you gave a quick and light swipe. Starting off small was the best way to try to give yourself boundaries on how far it should go. You could never bring yourself to go deeper than having white show before blood. 

You cleared out the daze that settled in you and looked at the wound. Little beads of red were starting to form around the cut. Deciding it wasn’t enough, you did it again. This time, it was a bit deeper. You held onto the handle with a tight grip, and slid it against your leg. This one had settled in an emotion that was too often for you to mistake it, self-hatred. You quickly went from a few cuts, to quick angry lines being formed. Some were shallow, but most were a bit deep. Blood was pooling around all the cuts, slowly dripping down the sides of your thigh. 

 That’s when you heard a shaky intake of breath.

You snapped your head to the left, and there stood Michael. Just staring. A few seconds were shared before you dropped the blade onto the bed. He started walking towards you, not even bothering to lighten his steps. Normally these things always went wrong, so you thought he was going to just be rid of you. Thinking back, it was a bit hypocritical to judge Corey if you were going to be just as useless. But the choking or stabbing never came. You looked up at him and he was just waiting for your cue. You slowly got up and went into his arms. If anything, this was the time to be most vulnerable with him. You sobbed into his chest, not even saying anything. He just held you there before you managed to slip a joke about having to clean up your filthy blood. After a few more seconds of squishing you in a bear hug, he let go so that you could go dress the wounds. It only took a minute. You had done this before, and using rubbing alcohol made everything faster. Despite people telling you not to, it was just faster and more efficient in your opinion. So you got some paper towels, got them wet, and dabbed at the dried blood. After cleaning off the blood, you took out the alcohol. It was a bit painful, but you bit back any reactions that might’ve came out. Then came the bandages. You took out some clean bandaging and wrapped it around your leg, making sure it wasn’t too constricting. After double checking and throwing out the trash, you decided everything was good. Coming out with bandages on your leg and a fresh pair of shorts, you lowered your head and walked back to Michael. 

He gave you a moment to decide if you wanted contact with him, or distance. You chose the first option, you didn’t want to be alone again. So he decided that it was fine if you wanted to hang onto his arm while he made his way downstairs. He made his way to the fridge to grab some pineapples, watermelon, pears, and cantaloupe to throw into a medium bowl. You had always loved some fruit salad, so he thought it would probably be a nice gesture like he’s seen other people do. He offered it to you, in which in return, you gave a small smile before taking it out of his hands. 

After plucking a few from the bowl, Michael unlatched his arm from your hands. You didn’t think anything of it, he probably just needed to take a break from physical contact. But you instead, heard the t.v click to life. Sounds of the Comedy Central channel sparked to life as you swiveled your head to take a peek. South Park was the chosen show to be broadcasted. That was your favorite. He walked back up to you, and once again, offered his arm. You balanced the bowl in one arm, and attached your hand to his extended arm.

You went to sit on the couch, but eventually ended up leaning into his side with legs folded up to your chest. Normally you would be holding the bowl, but since tonight seemed to be an occasion that called for gentleness, he offered to hold it. So you two sat there in comfortable silence watching the show as you slowly began to get tired. You leaned closer to him laying your head against his shoulder.

All those tears seemed to be draining all your energy as the t.v screen got blurry. Allowing yourself to succumb to it, your eyes became heavy with exhaustion. Next thing you knew, you were being carried back to your bedroom. You tried looking up but Michael brushed his hand over your eyes to tell you to go back to sleep. And so you did. 

You woke up covered in blankets with water next to your bed. You looked around and noticed he took your blade. That made you a bit frantic, as you searched for your other blades. They were missing. He had searched for blades and had taken them all. 

You went downstairs to find all but a single knife remained inside the knife block, that way he knew if you took it or not. You looked around a bit and realized he was on the couch dozing off in a light sleep. He probably didn’t get much to make sure that you were safe and calm. Deciding it was best to let him sleep, you went over to the kitchen and got out a pan. Thinking back on the night, it might’ve been tense, but you were sure that today would be better. Michael would make sure it would happen.

[dkettchen]

she would've told them unlike her canon! version who decided not to be an ally smh

[ganondoodle]

sometimes i wish i was one of those artist that make people go "this is a PAINTING???" or "with WHAT programm/medium???" but its just not what i can do or find fun :/

[doodles-in-sand]

"Those who believe in "Because it's Not My

justice assemble!" Fault!"

"An ever-victorious FIRE "Why won't you

burn so high till it stop hurting me?"

becomes ash"

[purpleshadow-star]

It's Valentines Day but it's also Ash Wednesday so uhh... some headcanons about that second thing.

Tilda wasn't super religious, but she'd drag Aaron to church every so often when he was growing up

After Tilda, Aaron doesn't actively practice religion much, but he'll do some things like get ashes on Ash Wednesday and observe lent

Nicky and Renee go to get their ashes together every year with a silent Aaron grumpily tagging along

They go in the morning after morning work out, but before their classes start, so once afternoon practice is over, they all end up with just a smudge of black on their foreheads

After living with Aaron and Nicky and a few other Christian households over the years, Andrew has gotten into the habit of not eating meat on Fridays during lent

Abby is also Christian, but she doesn't go to Church much and gets her ashes at a separate time than the Foxes

During lent, Abby will sometimes invite the Foxes over to her house for a seafood dinner on Fridays

Abby doesn't usually give anything up for lent, but Renee, Nicky and Aaron do

The girls' last year before they graduate, Renee gives up sweets for lent, and Andrew makes sure to eat twice the amount of candy around her just to be annoying

Nicky gives up alcohol and complains at least five times a day (and almost gives in on some particularly hard nights), but he manages to make it to the end without giving in

Andrew suggests that Aaron give up Katelyn for lent during a joint session with Bee, and he is not amused

Aaron ends up giving up video games, and he complains about it just as much as Nicky complains about the alcohol, but he also makes it to the end without giving in

Andrew walks into practice on Ash Wednesday and tells Wymack in a deadpan voice that he gave up exy for lent so he can't play. Wymack knows Andrew doesn't observe lent and makes him change out with everyone else, but Neil cracks up at the incredulous look Wymack has for the second before he calls Andrew out on it and that makes the extra lap (that Andrew doesn't actually do) worth it to Andrew

Neil makes a joke about Andrew giving up ice cream even though he knows Andrew doesn't officially observe lent, and Andrew doesn't talk to him for five hours out of spite

[tradingjack]

having fun with colors for once :P

thanks @creepycoffins for the awesome dtiys :D

[random-chaos-and-stuff]

And here is the cute sleeping baby dragon sculpture! It will be fired soon, and then glazed.

I’m quite proud of it.

[0809sysblings]

Amane, indoctrination, and gaslighting

and why voting Amane innocent would be the best course of action

I've been wanting to write a big post on Amane talking about indoctrination and such. Because I see takes sometimes that make it clear the person doesn't really... Get It.

Most of what I'll be explaining comes from my personal experiences growing up.

Additionally, most of what I say when it comes to outcomes (i.e. "If x happens, Amane will do y") will be based on the assumption that realism, not entertainment, is prioritized in the writing and that there are no major holes in our knowledge of what's going on. Theoretically anything could happen since this is a fictional scenario and we don't know everything when it comes to the world, the cases, and the characters. Not to mention my situation was nowhere near as extreme as hers. So although I probably have a better understanding of it than most people, I definitely can't claim that I know what she's gone through.

Personal anecdotes I add to better support my points will be in the small font (this!) since I don't want them to distract from the main text and so that they can be easily skipped for those who may be worried about being triggered. But if anyone needs plain text descriptions, I'll happily provide them!

!! TW for child abuse, religious abuse, and cults !!

I recommend skipping my personal anecdotes if more detailed discussions about these topics are a trigger for you.

At the heart of "good" (read: successful) indoctrination is gaslighting.

Since gaslighting has been one of the many psychology terms completely watered down and distorted by the internet, I will define it just so we're all on the same page!

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation used to make the victim question their own sanity, sense of reality, or power of reasoning.

Basically, you can't trust yourself. You can't trust your thoughts, your feelings, your interpretations, etc. You become completely reliant on other people (usually specific people who are the ones doing the gaslighting) to figure out what's real/true or not.

Toxic/extremist religious groups like to take gaslighting a step further though. Not only do they make it so you cannot trust yourself to judge what is right or not, they may also teach you that what feels wrong is actually right. You can see where this can start to cause some issues lol.

Anything your gut may tell you that contradicts what the group/cult leaders tell you—"this is wrong!", "this is bad!", "I don't want to do this..."—must be ignored. Because those feelings and thoughts, according to the leaders, are actually the sinful part of you trying to lead the good and faithful part of you astray. They make you question yourself to make sure you never question them.

They will figuratively or literally beat this into you until your first instinct is no longer to listen to your gut and do what it says, but to dismiss it and do what it's telling you not to do. Existing becomes a chronic power struggle between your unconscious mind and your conscious mind. Unfortunately, the fact that you're struggling often then gets used against you as proof that you need to follow their teachings. Because if you're unhappy, then you must be doing something wrong. You just need to have a little more faith, dedicate a little more time to the religion/group, go a little harder into your duties... Only then will you feel better—feel more enlightened.

An integral part in making all this work is isolation. If you don't somehow isolate the members, they may figure out that they're being manipulated and abused.

Now, isolation doesn't always mean purely physical isolation (though Amane is being isolated physically to at least some capacity). Psychological isolation is almost just as powerful. An almost universal psychological isolation tactic used by extremist groups and cults is the "Us vs Them" mentality. We can see this being very prominent with Amane. A lot of things she talks about with regard to the cult involves an Us-vs-Them dynamic. There is "Us", the cult, and "Them", everyone else.

Personally, we were taught that those who weren't believers of our religion were out to get us or will, at the very least, get us hurt/killed somehow. We were told many people wanted us dead just for being believers. You had to be careful and watch out when interacting with non-believers; you couldn't trust them. God was constantly testing you via others, and you had to make sure you stayed faithful.

This in particular is why no matter if you vote guilty or innocent, that itself will not actually do anything to change her beliefs. Voting her guilty will not make her start to feel bad and then question her beliefs. Voting her innocent will not make her listen to us and then question her beliefs. If we make her have any doubt about the cult, that's just proof to her that what we're telling her is wrong and is just another "trial" from God for her to overcome. So, changing her beliefs should not be a factor considered when voting since it's completely irrelevant. Everything can be twisted to support the cult. That's just how it works.

I don't think any amount of punishment will make Amane "come to her senses". I mean... what could we possibly do to her that she hasn't already had to endure? Punishment will likely only escalate things even more. Not to mention that having a bit of a fascination with martyrdom isn't all that uncommon in those who have been religiously abused and indoctrinated. The threat of punishment may only serve to motivate her to double down on her beliefs and behavior. Not to say she wants and likes punishment. It's obvious she's both scared of punishment and wants it to stop. After all, that's most likely the motive behind the murder.

Even prior to Amane's age, I was already fantasizing about being a martyr. A part of me almost wanted to be killed for my religion and community. It was seen as something extremely admirable. The ultimate sacrifice, if you will. We were taught that if given the choice between saving yourself by denying your faith or letting yourself be hurt/killed by standing your ground, you should choose the latter. Of course, I also did not want that to happen at all. It scared me shitless. But we weren't allowed to be scared about that stuff. It was seen as questioning God and the religious authorities, which was completely taboo. So I had no choice but to "want" it.

Isolating Amane is the worst possible thing we could do to her. No one gets better from being isolated, and this goes double for people living in abusive environments. She's been isolated her whole life. The best thing for her would be spending time with the other prisoners without restrictions. The more time she spends around people who have no connection to the cult, the better. Trying to argue with those in cults about why they're wrong and why they are in a cult (because most don't even recognize they're in a cult due to the gaslighting, indoctrination, and stigma) will almost always backfire. The best thing to do is to just be there for them to have someone to interact with who is not a cult member.

The only reason I left the extremist religious community I grew up in was because I made a friend who was not affiliated with it. I don't think I would've been able to see that the conditions I was living in were Not Very Good without that friend. He didn't even really do anything to actively help me. Just learning more about the real world through him was enough to make me start looking closer at my life.

To vote her guilty would be to continue isolating her. Not just physically as the guilty prisoners get restrictions put on them, but it's also an inescapable psychological isolation. Innocent vs Guilty is just another Us vs Them dynamic.

I fear that, if she ends up guilty this trial, she will likely be voted guilty again in trial 3. Her aggression will probably only escalate as she feels herself becoming more and more cornered. And since I know many people are voting her guilty solely to make sure she doesn't hurt Shidou or other prisoners, I can only imagine what the voting will look like for her in trial 3 once she's forced to become even more aggressive to protect herself.

And tbh... I can't imagine that having a prisoner with 3 guilty verdicts will make for all that interesting of a story for them. Not that it would be boring, per se. But having variety would, in my opinion, be the most interesting and entertaining! So, if nothing else I've said has been able to sway those who vote her guilty, then think about the entertainment factor!

Please vote this severely traumatized 12 y/o girl innocent. We can give her so many secret cakes to eat.

[emero0]

I swear im becoming akito irl /hj

Ginger? born and raised

Jackets? Multiple

Singer? sure :^ (not street singing or anything but :P)

Artistic sibling? I have 2 >:D

Trans??? Idk but that man is not cis /j

At this point im bouta give my hair a yellow streak/jj

[shadfinite]

ok but the thing is shadow and infinite isnt a "healthy" or "good" relationship at first. it takes them years to be good for each other. they shouldn't have been together! they should have broken up years ago! but they didn't and they are working through it and eventually things work out. EVENTUALLY Infinite stops enabling Shadow's self destructive behavior and EVENTUALLY Shadow stops tolerating the admittedly unacceptible way Infinite treats him.

See, Infinite doesn't know what it's like to be with someone who doesn't want to hurt him even a little. Every relationship he's ever been in has been a really unhealthy and dangerous power dynamic (he's been the weak one and the strong one before). It takes him YEARS DECADES maybe even CENTURIES to realize Shadow is NOT LIKE THAT. Shadow didn't even really want to specifically hurt Infinite when they first encountered each other in the Mystic Ruins. He was just doing a job. It takes Infinite such a long time to understand that. He's so obsessed with Shadow but he has this one conflicting core understanding with Shadow that he simply cannot wrap his head around. He needs to stay in control so that "when Shadow tries to fuck him over he has a way to regain the upper hand."

Shadow thinks he's lesser than everyone, even Infinite. Even though Infinite literally started a war and wanted to destroy everything just because he was bored. If Infinite wants all the power over him, Shadow is okay with that because surely he deserves it for being such a miserable creature. When Infinite calls him names and treats him poorly he just lets it happen because Infinite is the first person he's met in a long time who will treat him in a way he understands. To Shadow, this is unfortunately what true love looks like. Being attacked is familiar, and Shadow knows that when people are kind to him he doesn't know how to deal with it. He thinks Infinite is giving him a form of stability that he can't live without.

What's confusing for both of them is that they do have moments of tenderness, and they do have inexplicable boundaries that they never cross with each other. They've never discussed their limits, but there are things they would never do to each other because it'd be too much.

They have moments of vulnerability, where they are just sitting beside each other and Infinite is telling Shadow how beautiful he is. And Shadow believes it because he's pretty sure that Infinite wouldn't waste his time being nice if he didn't mean it. Shadow introduced Infinite to a part of himself he didn't know existed, a part of himself that doesn't want to have to try to hard to reach for the top. But that vulnerability is terrifying at first and neither of them want to acknowledge it. It just happens and then its back to business as usual again. They don't talk about it.

They will do things to each other that cause conflict or anger, enable each other's worst habits, but they won't try to change each other's identities. That's the hard limit. They might have an argument where they harp on each other's bad behavior, but it's just talk. They'd never do anything to each other that would actively contribute to a crisis because one thing they both understand on a fundamental level is that changing the answers to core questions like "What is my purpose?" or "What do I believe is right?" is mind breaking. They never force each other to do things that challenge the status quo or threaten to shake their already deteriorating stability.

But this boundary is also part of the problem. They, for a long time, don't let each other grow and absolutely get worse! They break each other down, but they keep making excuses for why they should stay together. People who constantly fight with each other should not be together!

And when I say "together" I don't really mean together. Their relationship is a situationship at best, but Infinite still refers to Shadow as his boyfriend. Shadow insists they aren't even friends, but doesn't really passionately refute when Infinite says they are together. He just deflects. Of course he wants to be Infinite's partner, but that commitment is terrifying and he doesn't get how Infinite can be ready to commit like that even though it's been YEARS. It feels so impermanent because Shadow's perception of time is based on his immortality. That's one thing Infinite doesn't have (doesn't really think he has).

Two things jade them: time and people.

Shadow and Infinite won't challenge each other's core values, but time and people will. For Shadow, this comes in the form of his admittedly slightly larger support system: people like Rouge Amy and Big especially, but also Sonic to some degree. Infinite stagnates. His only support system is Shadow, really. He also has, like, Big and Sonic and Wave, but he isn't ever vulnerable with them in the way Shadow is with his. Shadow starts to grow, Infinite doesn't.

Infinite is definitely the worse off in this relationship. Shadow always knew that. They both knew it when they got together. Shadow has a savior complex. He thought he could fix it.

It in fact gets worse. Infinite is just bound to break that unspoken boundary they set, and Shadow has to put his foot down. Only then do they break all of their walls down and talk about those unacknowledgable moments. Only then do they get better. They can't work out unless they start to see each other as equals, but it's a really slow process for them to explore what that looks like or how its possible.

[quinn-pop]

sorry for the metadede flood lately um. anyway i think dedede officiates waddle weddings. if they even have them lol. it’d be funny and cute

[naggingatlas]

you have to forgive me for posting mostly abt characters that are men (in canon) as a bisexual woman. i am obsessed w lots of #girl characters but like 80% of them are kids and teens or if theyre grown theyre comic relief. and my brain feeds off two things: tragedy and horniness. so posting about jevil and hob it is.

[kindafooey]

man. like. I don't mean this as a vaguepost or anything, this is just me expressing frustration with my own tendencies to get hung up on stupid shit and take things too seriously. but two days into mingling with the fandom it seems that I'm already reaching the point where I start increasingly feeling the strain between my fandom ideals of letting a thousand flowers bloom, respecting people's interpretative freedom etc and simultaneously noticing how wildly a section of the fandom is misinterpreting my favorite character, and electing to take it personally to a ridiculous extent

[doodles-in-sand]

"Dance away you Liar!"

rendering practice :)

[bmpmp3]

my inability to play mobile games nowadays is also a source of suffering as a person who loves rhythm games. i miss her (SIF1).....

[ambersky0319]

🙃