#im like three minutes from a full breakdown

[xysidhequeen]

I was in a car for 14 hours because, if anyone is unaware, I recently became aware of the fact that the man who was my father in everything but blood passed away in 2020. I am NC with that side of the family, and for my own physical and emotional safety, I had to cut everyone off. I couldn't chance reaching out and leaving a trail for my abusersers to follow. Not when I already had to change my number three times and move four times just to ensure they couldn't find me.

That didn't mean I couldn't visit his grave, though, and I did. It was. Hard. Seeing his grave made it real. Up until that point, I could tell myself it was a trick or it was the wrong man, until I saw that grave.

But, I spent 14 hours in a car, had to see the grave of someone I loved. Perhaps the only family member on that side I still loved at all. And now I'm once more stuck in insomnia. It's been, 30hours no sleep because my body can't handle stress in any capacity and is now throwing a full blown tantrum.

There's not much of a point to this post. I'm not aiming to garner sympathy or pity. I just needed to talk about it even if no one sees it. I don't like to talk about my issues to people close to me, I don't like to complain. Sometimes, it's easier to let these things out when I'm hiding behind a fake name and a fake face.

[tremendum]

heaven is a place on earth ; joel miller

02; stopping and stalling

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au (pre-outbreak, altered ages), Joel Miller x fem!nanny!reader. dedicated to the anon who suggested this trope.

↬   prologue  part one series masterlist main masterlist

↬     "after only a few weeks, your mind spits at you - only a few weeks, and you already fucked this up."

↬     warnings; tagged 18+ for eventual smut and mature themes. MDNI. age gap (reader is 22, joel is 35), fiscal anxieties, shitty ex, brief mention of marijuana use, some Tommy x reader, brief allusions to masturbation, fantasies, brief hand kink, brief scent kink (???lol), brief praise kink (use of term girl), car talk tbh im sorry... also light angst/anxiety i guess, fluff. reader is described as smaller than joel.

↬     heyyyyy guys! thanks for being patient, i had some writer's block but im finally back! i hope you like the next part of this series, lmk what u think/if theres anything you'd like to read w this trope. also im sorry i cant help that there is flirting with tommy too,,, i need them both expeditiously lol. xoxo love u all

series mixtape, song three; In Too Deep, Sum 41. 2000.

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"shit."

thighs burning, your shoes squish against the soaked pavement as you carry yourself as fast as possible down the sidewalk. "shit, shit, shit."

the rain that pours from the sky is unforgiving; your hair slides in a stringy mess against your neck as you try to calm your heartbeat, blurrily watching as the house grows larger in your wavering vision.

bottom lip quivering, you ignore the cold shiver that comes up your spine; why today? why, why today?

you're afraid to check your cellphone; hell, you haven't even thought to check it until now! shit. Joel's probably pissed.

you let out a pathetic groan, heart hammering as you ignore the time on your wristwatch: 8:21am. twenty-one minutes late.

fuck, you think. fuck fuck fuck.

you could have texted Joel - in fact, any rational person would have probably had that immediate thought after their car sputtered to a stop on the side of the road, smoke slinking from the side of their hood as the rain splattered aggressively on the windshield.

you should have texted him, let him know you'd be late - but then, you'd gone into your damn glovebox to check your AAA number and been reminded unpleasantly of what you've been working hard to forget; your ex's full name boasted across the registration for the car had sent you into a near frenzy. everything that's built up - the near-eviction, the breakup, the move, the rain, your car. all of it hit you at once.

there's no way you can afford to pay for a fixed engine (and shit, you don't even know if the engine is the problem) without insurance, and your dickhole ex has still not signed any of the paperwork for you to take the title of the car back. so. shit.

for over twenty minutes you've been trudging through the rain - you're soaked to the bone, fighting back tears, and already wondering if you'll be able to take back your full-time job at the library. 

after only a few weeks, your mind spits at you as you turn the corner up the driveway, only a few weeks and you already fucked this up. 

you have to shut your eyes harshly as the front door opens; whoever's on the other side must have been watching out the window for any sign of you - and here you are, washing up on the Miller's driveway like a batch of late season seaweed; a wet puppy, shaking and trying not to have a full breakdown, your eyes clenched shut. 

Joel's voice finds your ears as you finally make it onto the porch - a respite from the downpour, there's just a slight breeze that blows mists of rainwater over your cold form.

you feel like an idiot. you cannot afford to lose this job. you're a fool. 

Joel says your name in concern; a far cry from the anger you'd expected. "y'okay? what happened?”

you take a shaky breath, meeting his eyes - they're warm, honeyed in the darkened skies of the morning and it makes you feel so much worse. he must've slept in, too - odd, considering it's a Wednesday - he's wearing pajama flannels, a gray shirt, and his hair is fluffed out - curling up at the ends, the tips still damp from a shower. Tommy's work boots are gone from the front - he must've gone to work, Joel staying back to wait on your tardiness. fuck.

"I'm so sorry, Joel-" your throat closes up, blinking back the emotion that wavers in your voice. you feel stupid. "I'm so sorry I'm late-" you shake your head, praying to every god up above or below to make your lip stop wobbling so pathetically. 

but Joel doesn't hesitate to step aside, brows drawn low, "come in, you're soakin' wet." 

you bite your lip as you shuffle inside, barely registering the hovering palm on the small of your back as you awkwardly stand on their doormat, focusing your eyes blearily on the darkness of the house. 

the overcast storm throws the usually warm, sunny house into a bout of cool blues and grays - the drawings on the wall, the guitar in the corner reflecting the rolling clouds from the window panes. you suck a breath through your lungs and ignore the way it draws short - either you're very close to crying, or you really need to stop smoking so much weed. probably both. 

"did you walk all the way here?" Joel asks, brows furrowed in that kind look of concern, eyes flickering to the storm outside and back to you. "where's your car?" 

this brings a fresh bout of tears to your eyes and you look up towards the high vaulted ceiling of their foyer, shaking your head. 

"my car broke down, just off Park Street, and I can't-" you sigh, biting back the sting of tears, "I can't take it in, and it was pouring rain and I didn't want to ruin your day-" you are forced to take a sharp inhale, letting out stuttered breaths. you shake your head, hands rising to wipe what's surely the streaks of mascara that have gathered under your eyes, your clothes still sticking to you and hair dripping solemn pools onto Joel's hardwood. "I'm just so sorry that I'm late. I swear, it'll never happen again." 

something in his face becomes very soft - maybe it's the lighting, that casts a slight shadow from his nose, or the way his brows gather together in an upwards tick, but he shakes his head at it makes your heart pang. 

"didn't you see my text, darlin'?" he says softly, "we called off working today. 's too stormy to do construction." 

the name drips from his lips so casually you barely register it fully. your cheeks heat; you're not sure if it's more from his use of the term or from the slow realization washing you in a wave of embarrassment. darlin' - you're not unused to people using words like that, hell, you grew up here - but it's different coming from his mouth.

you ingore that thought; your hands shake slightly as you move to pull out your phone - your purse is soaked too, three shades darker than it usually is. the buttons on your cellphone are damp and your heart pangs when you wonder if it'll be ruined from water damage - but there it is, a text from Joel about forty minutes ago: 

Rain is coming down pretty hard today. You don't need to come over—Sarah and I can manage. Take the day off and relax, you deserve it.

Thanks. Joel

your throat closes tight: "oh," you squeak, biting your lip as the screen becomes blurry; relief floods through you just as embarrassment does - a fun cocktail in your veins that makes you smile weakly. "didn't-" you clear your throat, "didn't see that." 

only a split moment of silence in which the house withstands the assault of rain on its roof; Joel hums, "here, let me get you a towel.”

he disappears down the hall and you take the moment to breathe deep; letting the warmth of the house seep into you, your hands tremble with the emotional strain of humiliation that is coursing through you. what a fool. your heart beats hard in your throat, but there is a large relief when you understand that Joel does not seem keen on firing you for being 20 minutes late to the job he told you not to come in for. you curse yourself for not checking your text messages before leaving your apartment this morning.

Joel returns quickly, towel in hand; you take it and can only bring yourself to whisper your thanks into the empty foyer. 

���don’t worry about it." he says, shrugging one shoulder, "y'said your car's on Park Street- that's over a mile away, why didn’t you call me?”

you strain the water from your hair with the towel, clutching the scent of the warm fabric to you; it's not pink like the one's in Sarah's bathroom, and with a heat on your cheeks, you register it must be one of Joel's. shrugging, you shake your head. “I didn’t want to bother you - or, I guess I was just...distracted. my car… is sort of complicated.”

Joel’s brow furrows, “complicated?”

you hesitate - you don't want to come off to your current 'employer' as untrustworthy or reckless, but it's Joel - he's kind, understanding, if not a bit aloof at times; but you trust him. you swallow with a bitter chuckle, “the car’s title is still in my ex’s name. I can’t bring it to a shop without him, and I don’t know how to even check under the hood myself-”

your hand flies to your face to furiously wipe away the tears of humiliation that fall; great. just what you needed - to cry in front of him like a baby. 

“hey," a hand, warm and heavy, falls to your shoulder; your wet eyes trail to his figure, where he soothes over your shivering arm. you miss its presence as he pulls back away, "if you want, I’ll take a look at it when the rain stops.”

you shake your head, "I couldn't ask you to do that." 

"you're not askin' me, I'm offerin'." he insists; you meet his eyes to find generosity swirling in that honeyed brown; you smile up at him with a watery gaze, unsure how to thank him.

"you can stay here 'till then, or I can give you a ride back to your place in a bit when Tommy gets back. he had t'run to the job site to get our tools." 

you look up at him, craning your neck as you search his expression for any hint of irritation or anger - none. you flush as you wipe under your eyes again, “thank you, Joel. I'm sorry, again, for this..." you look down, gesturing vaguely to yourself,  "...mess." 

he holds your gaze for a moment, as the rain pours against the slats of the house and the panes of the windows, and shakes his head slightly. your stomach rolls over as you stand, still shaking with the nerves and cold, not breaking contact: something about his utter calm in the middle of your hurricane-mind has your face hot. 

Joel opens his mouth to say something, but before he can, a light on the stairwell flips on, and footsteps slide down the stairs, as if Sarah has taken to sliding down the carpet on the balls of her feet. you used to do something similar as a kid.

“dad?” Sarah mumbles, rubbing sleep from her eyes as she appears on the stairs; Joel takes a quick step back from you, the distance sudden and coaxing another rush of surprise to confusion over your cheeks - had he really been standing that close? you have no time to analyze the action before he's speaking to her. 

 “morning, sweetpea." he says, clearing his throat. Sarah's eyes meet yours and they widen slightly, padding over to you and saying your name softly, "are you okay?" she asks as she takes your hand gently. such a sweet girl.

you force a smile, weakened from the moment you'd just had, from the morning you've had; her eyes are so full of that same concern her father carries, though, and it warms your heart. you nod, “I’m alright, Sarah. just a little wet from the rain." you shift on the balls of your feet as your gaze flickers to Joel - he nods, looking back to his daughter, "well, how about we get you some breakfast?” he suggests. inadvertently you become aware of your own rumbling stomach, having come back to life after the realization that you aren't losing your job today. 

Sarah nods, her sleepy face breaking into a smile, “pancakes?”

Joel grins; it's as if the tension eases from the room as he nods back at her, “pancakes it is. 'm right behind you, sweetpea.”

Sarah traipses to the kitchen; you stay back awkwardly, watching as she disappears - Joel turns back to you, lifting a brow. "I can take a look at your car after the rain stops later this afternoon, or if y'want, I can take you home when Tommy's back?" he says, eyeing the keyhooks that remain empty by the front door; you shift on your feet, itching to flee, but itching to stay and embrace the warmth you've come to enjoy in this house. he continues with a small smirk, "-if you stay, I can't offer much besides some mediocre pancakes and some even more mediocre coffee." 

despite your humiliation and exhaustion, you can't help the short laugh at Joel's valiant attempt to lighten your mood; unfortunately his charm is undeniable, and you're reminded of what Michelle said to you those days ago: 

Joel is a nice man. just- don't get into trouble. 

you curb your smile, lifting a brow when you hear Sarah's voice call from the kitchen, yelling your name and dragging out the vowels. "-come help me with breakfast!"

you glance back to Joel, "if you really don't mind, then I'd like to stay," you say smally with a smile. "if I went home, I'd just lay around and mope. plus," you nod your chin towards the kitchen, "seems like you've been demoted from sous chef." you tease, finding a bit of yourself returning in the comfort of the sweet girl you nanny and her father. 

he grins back at you, shaking his head, "I don't doubt you'd make a better sous than me, darlin'-" he takes in your still soaking shirt, "but you should take a shower, I'm worried you'll catch a cold in those clothes."

Joel leads you upstairs, into the master bathroom.

you school yourself, keeping your eyes on his large frame, not daring to look around at his bedroom and all the different pieces of Joel you've yet to discover. you're used to Sarah's room, with pinks and blues and purples and action figures and textbooks - not this adult bedroom, with t-shirts and framed photos and a heavy scent of amber and cedarwood. 

he hands you a stack of clean clothes - a flannel and what seems to be a pair of sweatpants; you smile gratefully, ignoring the heat on your cheeks and in your chest; a feeling nestles in your heart, stuck halfway between humiliation and some kind of intimacy, neither of which feel right in this moment. 

you shake it off as he tells you to take your time, disappearing back down the hallway with a mutter about ensuring nobody set the kitchen on fire yet. 

you close and lock the bathroom door behind you, leaning against it for a moment to catch your breath.

the last hour has been a whirlwind: losing your car, almost losing your job, the humiliation of walking in the rain, showing up to work when you had the day off - all of it catches up to you. 

but instead of crying again, you let out a short huff, shaking your head. you'll be okay - smiling watery to yourself in the mirror, you puff your cheeks and blow the air out slowly. Joel won't fire you. you'll get help with the car. deeeep breath. 

the bathroom is small and intimate and you find it heats up very quickly as you run the shower; within forty seconds the mirror begins to fog and you're wrapped in a cocoon of warmth that eases the chill that's seeped into your bones. you peel off your wet clothes with still-shaking hands, slipping under the heat of the stream quickly. 

you stand, staring at the wall, for several minutes before snapping out of it; a thick scent has begun to leak its way into the steam of the shower, and you eye the culprit - an opened, unscrewed bottle of some kind of men's body wash. you blink with heated cheeks as you're suddenly assaulted with visions of Joel in this very shower; the thought sends your heart racing and you swallow thickly, not able to resist the temptation to lather it over your own body.  

the smell is that same amber scent, citrusy and male - you don't mind it as you let the suds slide off your skin, trying not to think about him. Joel. his kindness, his concern, his hands- you shake your head, trying to dispel the thoughts; it's not right, you tell yourself.

just- don't get into trouble. 

it isn't right to think of him this way, especially when he's just being kind - especially when he's so much older, especially when you're the nanny for his daughter. 

but your hands linger on your skin, the scent of Joel's soap mingling with the steam, creating an intoxicating mix that makes your head spin; the soft weight of his hand soothing your shoulder, how it'd feel if he dragged those hands down - a pang of guilt and you quickly push the thought away, snapping back to the present. 

you slam off the showerhead, shaking your mind of your polluting thoughts. 

the towel Joel gave you earlier dries you off quickly, and you wipe away a small section of the mirror to see your reflection - you pull the clothes on he'd given you, cuffing the length of the pants, buttoning the warm flannel over yourself with a small smile. 

you don't let yourself wallow any longer; the smell of breakfast wafts up through the vents and into Joel's bedroom as you exit, a swirl of steam curling around you as you towel-dry your hair, recalling the comb that lives in Sarah's bathroom drawer. 

the warmth of the shower does wonders.

you pad down the stairs, only feeling vaguely odd wearing borrowed clothes, smiling as your stomach rolls in hunger - you feel much more composed. 

when you make it down, the dining table is set: four placemats, four plates, cups with orange juice, and three mugs of coffee. you raise a brow, "did I miss the fun?" you ask gently. 

Joel and Sarah are bustling around the kitchen, putting the final touch on breakfast - pancakes, fruit, the works. 

"-fun just arrived, actually." a voice from the hall makes your stomach flip, heat traveling up your neck. Tommy must've gotten home while you were showering. 

you roll your eyes good-naturedly as Tommy comes around the corner from the garage, nodding at you in greeting. "you look nice and cozy." he observes, eyes roving over your figure drowning in Joel's clothes. your lips press together, ignoring the fluttering in your stomach at his observation of your clothing. there is no implication - you're the nanny, it's all innocent, but the look he's giving you is not. as if he knows how Joel makes your heart thud and your mind fuzzy. 

"car broke down." you say quickly, sitting where Sarah directs you. Tommy hums, a look that could be read as skeptical, teasing, flickering across his face. Joel flips a final pancake in the pan, pacing over to slide it onto your plate gently. when he leans over you, he's close enough to ask quietly, "you feel better?"

it's soft, kind, as if he's cautious not to air out your previous breakdown to the others in the room. you're grateful. 

"yes. thank you." you say back, smiling genuinely at the man, eyes roving over the moustache which sits on his upper lip, the beard that's grown in and rises to meet his air-dried curls. he returns to work on another culinary project as Sarah places the fruit on the table and drags Tommy to sit down.

there's a bag that Joel is pouring a mixture into; some kind of meat inside, and you hum. Joel really is a very handsome man. "marinade?" you ask.

he looks over at you, nodding, "yeah, s'for the cookout this weekend." he sets the bowl down, sealing the bag. "you coming?" 

you smile tightly, nodding - any excuse to get outside, to see Joel, Sarah, Tommy, even Michelle and Dan. "should be," you say, anxiously looking over to where your car keys now hang next to Joel's near the front door - he must've hung them up for you while you were upstairs. Joel hums, "good." 

Sarah beams at you when everybody takes a seat. "dad said you get to stay with us until the rain stops." she says, poorly concealing her excitement with a grin. you smile back, nodding as you sip on the coffee poured for you. "yes, ma'am." you respond, stretching your legs out a bit under the table.  

"lucky us," Tommy says through a bite of pancake. you huff at his harmless flirting; you just miss the subtle glare Joel shoots his brother. oblivious, Sarah hums. "I hope it never stops raining!" 

it eventually does stop raining. 

it's a little before dinner; the air is fresh and damp, the grass that peculiar shade of green against the backdrop of those high thunderclouds that retreat after their previous downpour. with only a light breeze, the air is charged with some kind of electricity as you breathe in the the scent of petrichor it carries with it. 

"right," the voice says next to you.

Joel's arms are propped against your shitty car, his brows furrowed in focus. the engine still glistens with raindrops, and there's a small line of moisture that caught on the fabric of Joel's shirt from where he'd popped the hood of your car. 

"first things first. let's check the battery connections - sometimes they can get loose or corroded." he mutters, directing you with a long, thick finger over to your car battery; you nod, trying your best to pay attention. 

a finger traces along the seam of a smaller edge of the battery terminal, scarcely avoiding touching it. "see this white, powdery stuff?" he's looking at you; it takes you only a split second as you realize he's waiting for you to answer. you nod quickly, "y-yeah." 

he nods, "that’s corrosion. luckily it's not too bad here, but it can cause issues."

you hum, taking a mental note as you bite your lip - thankful that he's taking the time to actually explain what goes on in the inside of your car, seeing as you're next to hopeless.

he gestures again. "d'you know what this is?" he asks, and it's as if god has given you a freebie from your turmoil this morning; you nod, grinning slightly. "it's where you fill the brake fluid." you say in affirmation. "I have some extra in the trunk." you supplement, glad you're not a total idiot when it comes to the car. 

he nods, "been takin' care of that. good girl," he gestures to the side, "these here are spark plugs - good to keep an eye on, because they can get dirty or worn out and cause the car to have trouble starting. these also look alright, though."

you're barely listening, though; your ears are buzzing heartbeat thumping as you school the flush over your cheeks at such a casual praise - something he'd probably not even think twice of, because you're his daughter's babysitter, god damn it, but you can't help the stirring deep within you. 

good girl. jesus.

you press your lips together and force yourself to relax, to calm the fluttering in your stomach the heat in your lower abdomen. eventually, Joel reaches the fuel pump - "here we go. I think this might be the culprit." he turns to you, squinting against the late afternoon sun, "if the fuel pump isn't working properly, it can prevent the engine from getting the fuel it needs to run." 

he gestures for you to look and leans back a bit; leaning over to peer into the belly of your car, at all its metal guts and ominous sputterings, you suddenly catch a scent - a mix of your handlotion you'd applied on the ride over with Joel's soap from his shower stuck to your skin and wafting in the air, a pleasant smell.

your stomach flutters as you try to follow Joel's explanation, "'kay...how can you tell it's the fuel pump that's the problem?" you ask him, turning to squint up at him. 

"there's-" another gentle breeze, then, and Joel pauses; you stare back at him, unsure what's caught his attention, but then it's over quicker than it started. blinking at you, he clears his throat and nods, pointing to the part, "there’s a few ways, but mainly if your car cranked out while drivin', or if it starts an' then stalls, it's often a sign of a fuel pump problem." he taps it with two fingers, "this one looks pretty worn out."

you bite your lip, cursing your ignorance and the stupidity of your ex for insisting on taking care of the car jut to completely ignore it and take it for an oil change only every few blue moons. 

"can it be fixed?" you can't hide the anxiety in your voice. 

"course." Joel nods, closing the hood; you don't flinch at the sound, too worried by the engine. "'m not quite good enough to do it myself, but i've got a buddy down in town that can do it for ya for cheap." he smiles gently, "should only be a few hundred." 

your throat dries, stomach dropping. "c-couple hundred?" you hiss, pressing your lips together. "okay."

okay.

okay: you can take a few more shifts at the library, double up your days; that's fine, that's fine. you'll have to fix your car before your cellphone, but you'll be fine without texting for a while. maybe you could sell your portable CD player or some clothes for some cash. okay, shit. 

shit. 

you laugh mirthlessly, "I... I don't have that kind of money right now." you say awkwardly, "but at least I live close to the bus stop." you add, wondering how much a bus pass is. certainly less than that. 

"-listen, i'd be happy to help you out with it," Joel says, and your hackles raise in embarrassment, "-no, Joel, I can't ask that of you. you've already done so much." you say, looking down at yourself, still clad in his flannel and pants. 

he shrugs, as if it's no big deal. "could pay you advance. let me help you." 

you swallow thickly, biting your lip. "I feel bad, Joel. I already put you out." 

"hey," he says, turning to look at you - he leans slightly on the hood of your car, gaze burning into the side of your face. you flush, but meet his eyes. "don't worry about it. I can pay you ahead for your work to cover for it. all you've put me out on is a few pancakes, a cup of coffee, and my patience with my brother."

the mention of Tommy makes you flush with embarrassment, floundering, "oh. Joel, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-" 

he shakes his head, with a grin - he was teasing you. "Tommy's always been a flirt. I trust you can handle your own." he adds, "but you let me know if he's too much, yeah?"

something about his tone makes you even more flustered, though, and you grin, shrugging. "yeah. you'll be the first to know." you say, wondering how many people he's had to say that to in his life. 

he says nothing to this, but you clear your throat, looking at him, "um...thank you for your help. this morning, with the car- all of it." you say, smiling awkwardly, "i've had a hard time adjusting to a lot of recent...life changes and..." you feel like you're oversharing, so you stop short, "just. you've all been very kind to me." you finish. "i'm so thankful for this job." 

Joel watches you, gaze flickering between your eyes for a few moments before he nods, "'course, darlin'. life can throw some curveballs, huh?" he nudges your shoulder and as you sway back you can't help the soft smile that grows, hiding it as you look away. darlin'.  

"you're doing great, though. Sarah and I, we're glad to have you." he affirms. you smile into the metal of your car hood.

"let’s get your car started now, yeah?" he asks. 

you're sat in the driver's seat.

Joel leans through the window to hold down the switch on your steering wheel as you turn the keys, the small Tamagotchi on your keychain knocking against your wrist as he instructs you to pump the gas pedal. 

after a few tries the engine sputters to life; you let out a stuttered sigh of relief, smiling and letting out one small clap. 

Joel smiles, "there she is," he taps the dash above your steering wheel with the flat of his large palm, leaning slightly. as he turns to lean out the window, his eyes meet yours - face to face, he's much closer than either of you anticipated.

you're struck with the proximity; for a moment, his face is inches from yours. 

and then the moment stretches out, your heart skipping a beat - you can see the few freckles that have grown over the bridge of his strong nose, the way his breath leaves his lips, the smile lines and faint dimple, his eyelashes lit from the sun behind you. 

Joel clears his throat, stepping back from the window with a tap to the roof of your car. you let out a breath you didn't know you were holding.

"alright, you’re all set. just drive carefully, okay? let the engine run for a few minutes when you get home."

you nod, voice softer than you hoped it'd be, "I will. thanks again, Joel."

he nods in that way he always does, the same nod that you always see in Sarah. "be safe. see you tomorrow."

Joel leans against his truck as you peel away, off the side of the road and joining the sparse few cars on the road, the remaining rainwater slicking against tires in the distance. you swear you see him wave before he slips up into the cab of the truck, figure growing smaller in your rearview with each passing moment. 

you let the car run when you return to your apartment, biting your lip dumbly and staring down at your ruined phone, at the warped message that sits on your screen.

 

Call me if you need a ride in the morning- Sarah and I can pick you up. 

Have a good night. Joel

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there is no longer a taglist; follow @tremendumnotifs to be notified when i post.

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[grif-hawaiian-rolls]

Anyways the “essay” about the energy sword to character development pipeline below the cut

Ok so like yea tucker-crunchbite-junior is, obviously, the first instance of the sword-quest-companion theme/trio that im like, rattling in my head rn

Tucker finds the sword, crunchbite shows up and theres the “quest” that challenges tucker both in the false intent (you need to be the hero) and the true intent (SA leading to Junior which is not handled well but it IS important) which is a push against tucker’s character thus far in that he’s the comic relief, make everything a sex joke archetype— he doesnt take it seriously, he doesnt see himself as important beyond getting just enough recognition to be “hot” and now he’s made to be the so called “hero” and the true plot puts him in the one position that he probably never thought could be him. Bc he wants to get laid so… yeah. Pushes his character if you give it like three seconds of critical thinking and not just the standard “haha alien baby bullshit” (that said, i do enjoy fics that explore crunchbite more and play with the potential of the “joke” shitty character into someone less sinister, but im doin my best to stick to canon rn)

And JUNIOR, oh man, because theres the thing that really solidifies this for me like

The dude who doesnt care doesnt bother is all jokes and ‘man whatever’ energy is a dad, and it starts with him trying to avoid it but he really fucking quickly steps the FUCK up for Junior and its the start of his development that people are like “oh he learns to be a leader on chorus” which i mean kinda yeah but he never struck me as a Leader even on Chorus even tho he does decidedly lead, its not the same as when kimball leads or when wash leads or carolina

He’s leads as a dad bc he is a dad

Not always a good one, but he’s trying and yea sometimes that means being the asshole, sometimes that means screwing up but it also means you fucking care and you take responsibility and you put yourself in danger first (the rescue mission, leaving the lieutenants behind)

And that doesnt start on chorus! Its the most evident there sure but

it starts with junior

It starts with him going after tex to protect his son, it starts with him trying to be a diplomat so they stay together, in sending junior away so he is safe while tucker buys time protecting the temple, it STARTS with him looking at church and going “leave my kid out of this” and yeah the way rvb was written and approached does Not take that seriously bc it wouldnt and if it did it would be a very different show but the implications are there and its acknowledged with tucker’s photograph of junior with his 5th grade basketball team (“i know right? Who carries actual pictures anymore” -tucker) which i could go on about THAT too but suffice to say its very clear that tucker cares so gd much about his kid and yeah his character development isnt super linear but you can basically pinpoint when it starts with the sword and junior

The second run of this trio of things is actually grif which is admittedly, a stretch, a big ol reaching for straws (okay, TECHNICALLY grif is the third run, but i’ll address that in a minute) largely a stretch bc grif… does the pattern backwards

This IS S16 stuff so if ur a shisno paradox hater i respect that, i however am gnawing on it with everything i have and will be going feral so this is your warning thank u for reading the tucker side of it mwah appreciate ya

Anyways

Grif does his plot backwards during timetravel shenanigans

He gets the alien companion/friend who contrasts his character first in Huggins

Grif is a loyal friend, but he is lazy, even after s15’s breakdown and apparent change of tune, he’s still looking to take the path of least resistance, avoiding the call, trying to keep things from moving

Enter Huggins: zippy, full of energy, excitable and just so different in that she is not only so proactive she puts herself in danger (which helps everyone in the long run/plot but its the principle) but shes so fucking lonely

As far as she knows, her family is dead, except for muggins who is so dettached from her, he might as well be a coworker and not her brother

Compared to grif, who has a family even when he tries to push them away (the reds, the blues, KAIKAINA) but hates taking action

Huggins is the start for grif’s arc of “it sucks but someones gotta do it” which in their case is best shown as the trudge across the bottom of the english channel which is so fucking funny to me but it really pushes both of them and puts them firmly in the friends category

Huggins cant zip ahead without grif, grif cant stop moving because huggins wont let him, so they find their little balance of gas vs brakes and together they cruise along p well

The actual push of the “quest” is grif having to be the one who steps up (kinda like tucker but its to the left) he’s the one who starts getting everyone together again across the timeline, even if he is very,,,

Well he’s very Grif about it, but it is still fundamentally, the change in character

Tucker isn’t a always good dad, Grif isn’t always a good instigator of action

But theyre trying and theyre working on it and grif’s arc suffers a Little from being so late in the show and thus not having much of a parallel to pull on but you could argue he gets the parallel from s15 anyways with the refusal of the call (from fake church/loco) and rescue mission but i hesitate to call that a parallel bc its literally back to back but an argument could be made for it which i love

Enter part two: the alien quest giver

“Wait wasnt that huggins”

NOPE huggins was alien companion! The Bestie in grif’s case,

The alien fetch quest comes from atlas, in that stupid wishing sequence but cmon it wouldnt be rvb if the character development wasnt sandwiched inbetween obnoxious gags and stupidity

The quest is less important here admittedly bc again, with grif doing this in reverse its not the challenge to his principle character that it was for tucker, his connection to huggins was the challenge, and this becomes the final push into the development, the “you have a role, now play it” that gives grif the final shove into Doing Things literal!! And his prize? For this character development arc? An alien sword

And thus the inverse version reaches an end, sort of (im pissed that technically he loses his sword, im also ignoring that he loses it in canon bc he fucking earned it okay this is a bit of canon i will ignore and loophole my way around it)

And now we track back to Chorus and to the second iteration of the sword-quest-companion plot

Locus

Now okay i will admit this is conjecture and pepe-silvia-on-corkboard-with-red-string fuckery at this point but hear me out okay!

He gets the sword with Felix’s death. We know this. What we dont know is how the fucking hell he gets off Chorus! We just see him show up later with A’rynasea. The vaguely alien (maybe sentient?? AI? Its implied with the way he addresses her but we literally have her for like two episodes) ship that seems to be the driving force (literal) (bc shes his ship) behind his chosen redemption arc where he pushes himself to help others at no apparent benefit to himself, but because it is, and i quote “the right thing to do”

Arguably, Santa could be Locus’ quest giver, seeing as how he is the one who triggers the whole shift in view for Locus in the first place and that is, technically, what crunchbite does and what atlas finalizes for grif! But the problem is we simply dont have enough of A’rynasea to draw the parallel between her and Locus as personalities, as companions for it to work for me??? But that might just be me overthinking? But it does make Locus’ version is a bit messier depending on who you consider his quest-giver but as far as I’m concerned, he’s still on his quest snd its just up to interpretation if A’rynasea is his companion?? or if theres a secret third alien for Locus that we never wouldve seen even if they planned for that bc its red vs blue and im just delusional about locus and his role in plot and this is just me firing concepts blindly into the sky at this point like - yeah i could still theorize what kind of companion characterization i think locus would work well with bc its more about the wielder than the companion in this sense (sorry junior and huggins i love yall i promise) but thats a completely separate rant at this point and not nearly coherent enough at this exact moment to add it PLUS its ridiculously self indulgent and only marginally canon compliant/adjacent but i will never not be amused by this very specific plot beat happening enough to draw these parallels, as tenuous and vague as the parallels are

[luwukass]

OKAY TRACKLIST BREAKDOWN!!!!

so i have now had breakfast and coffee and my brain is on and FUNCTIONING lets get into this

putting a break here incase youre scrolling and dont wanna read all of this lol

so first things first i was watching tiktok and people were making a big deal about how its split up into sides similarly to midnights now i do believe that taylor posted the back cover of the vinyl and that the cd will be different but i could be wrong. even if it is split up like this on purpose on every physical copy this does mean that it is a two LP album instead of one like midnights

one vinyl (both sides) can hold up to 44 minutes of music on it so we can roughly estimate that the full album will be about an hour and a half long now if each side is 22 minutes long each track on side a, b and c should be about (if each song is in equal length) 5 and a half minutes long. side d has 5 songs on it so some of those might be short to fit in the manuscript

i have also seen people compare this back cover to the back cover of lover which is absolutely breaking my heart and im sure thats not gonna be the last lover comparison i see about this album

okay so lets dive into this track by track

SIDE A

track one: Fortnight (feat Post Malone)

okay so first of all this is obviously not a reference to fortnite the video game but i think all of those jokes are funny as hell. the fortnight shes talking about here is a reference to the measurement of time as seen down below google states that fortnight is a british term for two weeks.

according to wikipedia fortnight is derived from the old english term fēowertiene niht, meaning "fourteen nights".

now onto post malone i actually listen to some of his music from time to time. he mostly does do rap but his most recent album austin (which is coincidentally also taylors brothers name, but is also post malones real name) is listed on google as alternative rock, indie pop and synth-pop. so im unsure of what vibe post will bring to the track. i think its also surprising she placed one of the two collabs as the opening track. i think the vibe for this track will probably be either a story about what happened in a certain two week period or about what is going to happen in two weeks from the songs time standpoint (if that makes sense lol)

track two: The Tortured Poets Department

A TITLE TRACK!!!! now obviously we dont know much about the album yet so we cant really try and figure out what the title track will be about so im just gonna do a little yippee for having a title track

track three: My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys

this is a Whole fucking title good lord the only thing that really comes to mind when i think of this title is the lyric in better than revenge where she says “soon shes gonna find stealing other peoples toys on the playground wont make you many friends” which is if im not forgetting anything the only lyric as of now where she’s referred to being someones partner as someones “toy” but that lyric itself is a metaphor for relationships being playing on a playground. this will probably be a sad or angry song about how her ‘boy’ goes around breaking/hurting his favorite ‘toy’ aka taylor

track four: Down Bad

okay now down bad if you dont know is a slang term to describe how badly you have fallen for someone (mostly used in a more sexual nature in my experience than romantic) so this song will probably be about how badly she is for the love interest of the song

SIDE B

track five: So Long, London

alright new track five lets go! so this is obviously seeming to be a reference to track 11 on lover, london boy. now like taylor said when she announced it this album has been a secret for two years so we dont know when these songs were written or who they are about but i feel like it is safe to say this song and most of the other will be about said london boy [i personally do not care who a song is about and it is not taylors job to tell us who a song is about and that isnt the point of her music, but i will be commenting on the joe breakup bc that seems to be a large idea of this album so far] i can see this probably being about the break up and possibly sampling some music from london boy like she did with cornelia street and youre losing me

track six: But Daddy I Love Him

okay so the first thing i thought of when i read this track title is the scene from the little mermaid where ariel is fighting with her dad over the eric statue and im gonna be honest i dont remember the plot points in order of this movie BUT i do remember when taylor dressed up as ariel for her new years party in 2019. so given what we know this will probably be a song about maybe her fighting/arguing with her dad over how much she loves the love interest of the song regardless of who he is/how he treats her

track seven: Fresh Out The Slammer

okay so im not sure what this song will be about bc i dont think taylor has ever been to jail before so it would probably be metaphorical type of “im back bitches” type of song im assuming this might be a bass heavy maybe more rock leaning song and if it is a “im back bitches” it might be about the amount of time she was single for with the ‘slammer’ being her old relationship

track eight: Florida!!! (feat Florence and the Machine)

alright so as we all know this album has been in the works at least for two years but we dont know when each song was written so take this with a grain of salt but the tampa eras tour shows were the first shows after the news of the joe breakup dropped. so this song might be about her feelings during those shows. for those that want to know these were the surprise songs for the tampa shows in order.

night one: speak now and treacherous

night two: the great war and youre on your own kid

night three: mad woman and mean

SIDE C

track nine: Guilty as Sin?

okay so my main curiosity about this track is the question mark in the title because guilty as sin isnt much of a thought provoking title to me but that fact that its a question is interesting. the current vibes im getting are that this might be a more sexy song? but i have no idea here

track ten: Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?

okay so THIS is giving big taunting energy like “aww who would ever be afraid of little ol me 🥺 youre afraid of me?” which im Hoping thats what the vibes are bc that would HIT but i can also see it being completely different as well

track eleven: I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)

oh my GOD this one sounds like its gonna be sad. so this is obviously a reference to the common seen online phrase “i can/could fix him” which as ive seen is normally used towards people who are attracted to hot fictional characters that usually have a lot of emotional baggage or are villains (i saw it a lot when ballad of songbirds and snakes came out about young snow) so this song will probably be about her promising that she Can fix him and really will despite ‘him’ being broken or maybe even possibly a bad partner

track twelve: loml

so i saw and rb a post earlier about how its very interesting that this is already an acronym which i completely agree with because taylor knows we are no strangers to turning her song titles into acronyms. so loml does usually mean love of my life but i think because its already an acronym it might be something different (i saw someone earlier say it might be loss of my life instead of love)

SIDE D

track thirteen: I Can Do It With a Broken Heart

this one i think will kill me personally. i think this one will probably be about her continuing to go on with life (and possibly the eras tour) post joe break up i think this one will either be a sad song or a light beat ‘picking myself up on my feet’ song

track fourteen: The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

this has so many implications but personally i think the interpretation shes gonna use for this song will be about how the said man is small emotionally and just as a person (i doubt she will talk about physical shortness in height or other areas)

track fifteen: The Alchemy

now im gonna be so real here i have no idea what this one will be about google says that alchemy is an older version of chemistry so maybe she will talk about the chemistry or alchemy she has in her relationships?

track sixteen: Clara Bow

alright Clara Bow! okay so i dont know much about old hollywood so i am NOT the person to deep dive into what this song will be about but all i do know about her is that she was The “It” girl of the silent film era so im assuming this song will probably be like the lucky one and talk about the rise to stardom and being the Biggest Star Of The Time

track seventeen(bonus track): The Manuscript

alright so after looking at the definition of a manuscript this is the PERFECT bonus track?!!?!?! so a manuscript is normally a piece of work that is written or typed out but isnt officially published which is just genius for having it be a bonus track that probably wont be on streaming (if not for a long time) i have no idea what itll be about but i love that mastermind

that’s pretty much all of my thoughts as of currently PLEASE let me know what yall think and what theories yall have for this album i am SO excited for april 19th 💕

[rustedpipe]

things that happened on degrassi but i make them about riverdale

they had cheryl say cuckoo bananas one time, zig novak was heraldo, and also vanessa morgan was mike dallas's baby mama so like clearly there's existing connections here. and just like riverdale and degrassi writers-- i love putting characters into situations. so. without further ado..... things that happen on degrassi (tng & next class) that should've happened on riverdale.

betty pelts dodgeballs at jughead during gym class after he is vague about going on a date or not

dolly zoom on archie's face as fred says "your mom is gay"

betty and gay kevin have a fight while filming a fake commercial for unisex cologne for class

^ this with gay kevin

reggie does elaborate business deals with locker trading so that veronica can have the best one

archie sending veronica flowers with a card that says ”you rock! xoxo archie”

jughead choking and needing the heimlich but refusing to let gay kevin give him the heimlich because it would mean gay kevin has to touch him.

betty getting into an actual violent physical fight with blood with a random girl at school

^ okay go watch this video right now you only need to watch like the first minute exactly. the rest is completely optional. i have several scenarios in mind here:

- idea one is gay kevin having issues with fangs for the billionth time and so when in doubt kiss archie? - idea two is something jarchie related either betty or veronica is the dylan here . - IDEA THREE IS DYLAN=JUGHEAD GAY MARCO=ARCHIE. SO WHEN IN DOUBT KISS REGGIE?! - but also. the very first episode of riverdale is veronica so when in doubt you kiss betty. okay like realistically the scene is not like that but i think they shouldve let betty say "so when in doubt you kiss betty." for me personally. she would not fucking say that but i want her to

veronica and jughead go to the college admissions fair while extremely high.

RAS plays a similar role to kevin smith and gives advice to cheryl about being gay

kangs toxic poker game. what more can i say

veronica: as you and jughead’s closest friends- jughead: oh actually i don’t really like you. veronica: SHH!

natasha bedingfield performs at prom. archie gets to dance his heart out and cry a little to unwritten. and pocket full of sunshine woah oh

toni gets so much into vampire books that she makes out with cheryl and thinks about vampires too hard and bites her on the neck (this would be a great reference to vanessa morgan's time on another canadian teen show my babysitter's a vampire and also i think we should let toni be a little crazy for fun)

lgbt mixer at la bonne nuit. nothing crazy happens on the degrassi episode but i just wish it had happened on riverdale. like maybe veronica and kevin sing same love or born this way. (again that did not happen on degrassi just using the fact they did an lgbt mixer at the teen speakeasy as a jumping off point.)

when jughead gets hired by tabitha at pops, he immediately burns down the restaurant. they then go to a casino in niagra falls and get vegas-style married

cheryl adopts a pig (that later destroys her house) instead of coping with being alone

reggie attends a meeting about homophobia brought on by locker room bullying and someone explains the definition of internalized homophobia and he says out loud "im a homophobe" and starts crying

jughead poisons bret with stuff that makes you throw up. this involves cups being switched and a reference to roman history (but in the riverdale version betty supports and enables it)

jughead writes a story about a girl getting stalked who has a protective boyfriend trying to stop it but he makes the ending be that the boyfriend realizes he can never protect her from the stalker so he kills her. and betty is like dude um what that is insane. and hes genuinely like what it's just a story. later jughead ends up still not being able to figure out an ending and burns the script on stage while having a breakdown

they have to build rube goldberg machines for class. it doesnt matter who i just want this to be something

fp and alice wedding where bughead break up and get back together like five times about it

core four smokes weed during 2x14 The Hills Have Eyes (degrassi had an episode where teens were unsupervised in a cabin. Just Like.)

gay kevin does a gay musical production of romeo and juliet.

some film guy that jughead adores comes and does a guest lecture and so in order to impress the guy he smokes weed with chic and makes a terrible insane short film to show said film guy

timeskip jughead does mdma at an artsy party where people are very high and painting with their bodies on the walls and floors. in order to avoid his problems.

gay kevin wears a beret at least once

^ bughead texts

veronica sings triangle tra la le la by patsy cline while in the midst of one of her 'reggie or archie' moments

betty gets really into axe throwing with lesbians (the pretty poisons) in the woods

unfortunately i cannot find a video uploaded of gay tristan performing it but. gay kevin voice riverdale you make drama look! so! good!

veronica trying to tank her father's mayoral campaign by being gay with betty and outing hiram as a homophobe

reggie: for the last time i'm not gay. or homophobic. just missing my best bro....

jughead won't shut up in class so cheryl cuts off some of her hair and then asks jughead to hold the scissors for a sec. and then she raises her hand and tells the teacher jughead cut her hair

beronica has a heartfelt moment about admitting feelings for each other and in the middle of it reggie walks up to them with saddest look on his face and says "am i hotter than archie? be honest. actually don't." and then walks away

veronica comes out to avoid political backlash and the word gets around to hermione who tries to comfort her by saying "no one's gonna believe you're gay. it happens to all powerful women. even hillary"

cheryl and veronica have a fake trial in class over twitter beef

cheryl auditions for a boy part in a play directed by gay kevin. gay kevin initially says no, but cheryl points out that it should be about relating to the pain of the character, not gender. gay kevin agrees and says that he is going to play the part himself because no one understands what he's going through better than him, right?

i'm constructing a reality where fangs is dating gay kevin when he is in the infamous bus crash but instead of dying he goes into a coma. and gay kevin is loyally by his bedside until he snaps like three months in and hooks up with moose. the night he does that, fangs wakes up from said coma.

veronica, speaking to reggie: even though we're a toxic couple, i really miss you and i want our break to be over.

betty has a terrible reaction to weed and someone finds her sadly eating slices of bread from a bag saying “i thought the bread would make me less high but it isnt working”

and finally, and crucially, they should've done a shark in the water style promo for at least one of the seasons. thanks for tuning in.

[itzynabi]

together

summary: in which someone talks to eve

set: 3 nov 2018

word count: 3.1k

warnings: talks of depression & mental health, mention of food. pls tell me if i missed anything

an: the gif is mine. if im being honest, this was a very self indulgent scenario of things i wish i was told, but it was surprisingly hard to write bcs i had no idea how i wanted to be comforted. anyways, i hope you like it! words im bold are english. feedback and reblogs are much appreciated 💐

eve’s masterlist

A plate of food was placed in front of Eve. “How are you feeling?”

She looked up at her brother as he sat down opposite her at the table. “...I’m not sure.” She could tell he wasn’t satisfied with her answer, but he didn’t push it. Thankfully.

Following her breakdown five days ago, Kibum became very involved in her life. Every morning and night, he would ask her how she was feeling; she had to write in a journal — she didn’t have to show him anything she wrote, though; they went on walks together with his dogs. He wanted to help her.

“I’m going to meet up with Taeyeon today. You’re going to training, right?”

Eve shook her head. “The trainers are still sorting out whatever the problem is. But I’m gonna go to a dance class with Chaeryeong and Ryujin. Then we’ll get lunch and they have to do homework, so we’ll go our separate ways.”

“Okay.” Kibum nodded. “On your way back, can you pick the dogs up from the day care centre? I’ll send you the address.”

“Okie dokie,” she agreed. “Can we eat now?”

“Yes. Yes, we can.”

Ryujin groaned as Eve massaged her shoulders. “Everything hurts.”

The three girls had finished their dance class at a studio. It was their first time going to that studio, so they didn’t know what to expect, and they quickly realised how under prepared they were. The two hour class started and ended with thirty minutes of cardio to ‘help with their stamina.’ Or so they were told.

Chaeryeong returned to their booth with a tray full of their food. “My legs felt like jelly when I was fetching the tray,” she told her friends.

“It��s only my back that’s sore,” Eve said. She stopped massaging Ryujin — causing the girl to groan louder — and turned to face their food.

Chaeryeong slid into the booth, groaning in relief when her legs stopped paining. “You’re lucky, unnie.”

“How isn’t everything sore for you?” Ryujin asked, taking her soda.

Eve answered as she sorted through all of their food, giving each girl their meal, “I did this type of stuff in strength and conditioning for ballet. It wasn’t really cardio focused, but everything would get worked out and exercised.”

Chaeryeong slumped against the booth. “I should’ve gone to your school. Then I would’ve been so strong.”

“Even the teacher said she has good muscle,” Ryujin commented, dipping one of her chips into tomato sauce.

Eve picked up a slice of her potato and bacon pizza. “I’m only strong because I actually work out,” she said before taking a bite.

“We also work out!” Chaeryeong argued, sitting up so she could start eating her cheeseburger.

“But unnie works out every week,” Ryujin pointed out as she took the gherkins out of her hamburger, putting them on the side of her plate, “we work out once a month. Sometimes once every two months.”

Chaeryeong nodded in agreement. “True. She could be a national athlete with how much she works out,” she joked with a giggle.

Ryujin nodded, also giggling. “She should do women’s footb–”

She stopped speaking as the intro to La Vie en Rose started playing from the restaurant speakers. Both her and Chaeryeong glanced at Eve, who was too busy enjoying her pizza to notice. She looked up from her plate when she noticed the silence at the table.

“What’s going on?” She asked, putting her pizza back on her plate. She looked around the restaurant in confusion before hearing Eunbi’s part of the verse playing. “Oh.” She simply said, returning to her pizza with an indifferent shrug.

She hadn’t told anyone about her mental breakdown, but she knew her friends knew that something was up with her. Eve tried to conceal the way her hand trembled slightly by using two hands to eat her pizza.

“You don’t have to, like, act weird around me,” she said when she noticed how Ryujin and Chaeryeong were trying — and failing — to pretend they weren’t watching her.

Chaeryeong chuckled awkwardly, fussing with her hair. “We’re not acting weird.”

Eve rolled her eyes dramatically with a groan as she put down her pizza. “I flopped my way out of debuting in IZ*ONE. It’s not the end of the world. I’m okay. You can talk about the group, or the song, or anything — I won’t freak out. It’s not a big deal.” Even to her own ears, it sounded like she was trying to convince herself of what she was saying.

“Well, yeah, it’s just… I mean, you really wanted to debut, Nabi unnie. And we were all voting for you and everything and… It’s just a bit awkward because you don’t seem sad but you also do?” Ryujin said, scrunching her face more and more as she spoke. “You haven’t said anything, but we can tell that something’s upsetting you.”

Eve sighed. “It’s just the normal disappointment that comes with not getting something you wanted. You guys know what it’s like, you both didn’t get to debut through the survival shows you were on. I’m dealing with it in my own way, but I’m fine. Besides, I don’t want you to feel like you can’t be proud of your sister,” she told Chaeryeong. “I didn’t debut, but she did. That’s great!”

Ryujin nodded slowly. “Acting like this must make it harder to get over it, right?”

“Yep,” Eve said, popping the last P. “It’s almost suffocating.” She stole a chip from her friends’ plates, trying to lighten the mood again. She knew she succeeded when Ryujin took one of the cubes of potato off of her pizza and Chaeryeong took a sip of her soda.

The three girls finished eating their food as they talked some more. Within another ten minutes, they had finished their food and had left the restaurant. They stood outside the building, watching as cars drove by.

“Well, it was nice hanging with you guys,” Eve said, knowing that Ryujin and Chaeryeong were going to do their homework. “Enjoy doing your essays.”

Ryujin and Chaeryeong shared a look before the former girl stepped closer to Eve. “Unnie, we’re not going to do homework. We’re… We’re going to the company.”

Eve blinked repeatedly, shaking her head. “What do you mean? There isn’t any training. There hasn’t been for a while.”

”It’s because we’re not training, we’re debuting,” Chaeryeong said. “That’s why there hasn’t been any training. Just like when TWICE sunbaenim and STRAY KIDS sunbaenim were preparing for their debuts.”

“Oh,” Eve said, not knowing how to react. She felt a bunch of conflicting emotions. “Um… I’m happy for you!” She weakly cheered. “You guys are… gonna do so well. Um, I have to go fetch Commes Des and Garçon now, but… Wow! Congratulations! Really. Bye.”

She turned around and walked away, not waiting to listen if her friends were going to say anything. She quickly went to fetch her brother’s dogs and returned home. She put some dog food and water in their bowls, still thinking about what Chaeryeong and Ryujin told her.

Eve truly didn’t know how to feel about it. She obviously was happy for them — who wouldn’t be? But she was also… jealous. She worked insanely hard to be good at her craft, but it wasn’t enough. Jinyoung wasn’t kidding when he said that her performance in Produce 48 would affect whether or not she would debut in the new girl group.

Kibum entered the passcode to his apartment, walking in. “Thanks for coming, noona,” he said as Taeyeon walked in behind him.

“It’s okay,” Taeyeon waved him off, “don’t mention it. By the way, where are Commes Des and Garçon?” She asked, noticing how the dogs didn’t rush to greet them and how they weren’t in the living room.

Kibum frowned as he looked around the room. “I don’t know. Nabi said she’d fetch them. Maybe they’re on a walk?” He poked his head into his room, not noticing how Taeyeon went to open Eve’s bedroom door.

“I found them,” she whisper-shouted. She heard Kibum walk towards her until he was standing behind her, staring at the sight in front of the both of them: Eve curled up in bed with both of the dogs in her arms as she slept. Garçon wasn’t facing them, and therefore hadn’t seen them, but Commes Des was staring right at them. Both dogs were awake, watching over Eve as she slept.

“Was she crying?” Taeyeon asked, noticing dried tear streaks on Eve’s face. She started walking forward, but was stopped by Commes Des growling.

Kibum groaned, “Why are you growling? What’s the problem?”

Commes Des squirmed his way out of Eve’s hold, standing just in front of her as Garçon turned around to face the two idols. Eve stirred softly as Commes Des kept growling.

“Bro, chill,” she mumbled, raising her right arm to gently stroke his back. “Relax.”

“He was about to attack me,” Taeyeon joked, nodding her head slowly and squinting her eyes in the way she usually did.

Eve sat up slowly, still holding onto Garçon. She yawned as she fully woke up and rubbed her eyes. “What’re you doing here, ahjumma?”

“Kibum-ah asked me to talk to you,” she answered, pointing at the man.

Eve simply blinked. “Are you my therapist?”

Taeyeon chuckled, walking fully into the room and sitting down next to Eve. “I’m not your therapist, no. I’m just… here to talk. About whatever you want.”

“I’ll be next door,” Kibum said, turning around to walk away. Garçon and Commes Des followed him out of the room, probably so they could force him to play with them.

“Do you want me to close the door?” Taeyeon asked, pointing at it. Eve hesitated before nodding and Taeyeon got up to close it before returning to sit next to her. “So…”

“So…” Eve echoed. “What did ahjussi tell you?”

Taeyeon sharply inhaled. “That you broke down–”

“True.”

“–, that your depression is worse–”

“Yep.”

“–, and that he’s worried about you and doesn’t want anything to happen to you.”

“Yeah…”

“Oh! Also that you wrote a song.”

Eve nodded. “Oh, yeah. I did. Would you like to hear it? Or read the lyrics? I didn’t actually record it, so…”

Taeyeon nodded. “Yeah.”

“Okie dokie.” Eve stood up and walked to her desk. She ruffled among the many papers lying all over the desk, letting out a soft ‘Ah-ha!’ when she found the exam pad she wrote the song on. “I wrote it in English, but I wrote a Korean version of it,” she told Taeyeon as she walked back to the older girl and handed her the exam pad.

The room was quiet as Taeyeon read over the lyrics, only the sound of her flipping the page to fill the room. Eve used the time to observe Taeyeon. She knew that Taeyeon also had depression — she sang about it. It was through talking with her and Jonghyun that she realised she might have depression. She went to a psychologist to get diagnosed, but didn’t see the point of going to therapy because she felt it wasn’t serious enough for therapy.

When Taeyeon was done reading, she closed the exam pad and put it down next to her. “Well, that’s… Well, it’s sad. Do you want to talk about it?”

“There’s not much to talk about really,” Eve said with a shrug. “I mean, it’s all clear.”

“Okay. Then can you tell me why you were crying?” Taeyeon asked, gesturing at Eve’s face.

Eve visibly hesitated. “Um, my friends are debuting. That’s why there hasn’t been any training. The company stops training when a group is preparing for debut to stop the chances of the song or choreography being leaked. I found out today when we were eating lunch. It was just… PD- nim told me he wanted to debut a new group. He told me that my performance in Produce 48 would affect whether or not I debut in the group and… I didn’t make it into the group so… Yeah.”

Taeyeon’s eyebrows furrowed. “I’m sorry, Nabi.”

“You don’t have to apologise for anything. It’s not your fault. I should’ve done a better job on Produce 48, it’s my fault.”

“It’s not your fault,” Taeyeon told her.

“Yes, it is. I was the one competing, I was the one that performed, I was the one that didn’t do her best. I’m the one that’s at fault,” she said, feeling herself get emotional again. “I’m happy for my friends, but I feel like…”

“Like that should be you?” Taeyeon finished for her, Eve nodding.

“I’m not saying they don’t deserve it, I just want it for myself,” she explained. “I’ve been a trainee for so long, I’ll never debut at this point. I should just switch to becoming a full-time ballerina. I can audition for the national ballet and–”

“Woah, woah, woah.” Taeyeon waved her arms around. “Nabi, you’re going to debut. You just need to keep going.”

Eve scoffed. “Unnie, I’m not debuting. It’s been six years, okay. I’ve showcased everything that I possibly could — I have nothing left. The company’s probably going to cut their losses and just tell me to end my contract. I wouldn’t fault them or anything. I pretty much embarrassed them. So, I’ll just reinvent myself and do bal–”

“Why are you so adamant on giving up?”

“Because I’m tired!” She exclaimed. “I’m tired of everything. I just want to stop.”

Taeyeon wrapped her arm around Eve, squeezing the younger girl’s shoulder. “Agi-yah, I know it’s hard right now, but it’ll get better soon. Unnie promises. I’m here, Key’s here, everyone’s here. And we’re going to support you, okay? Just hold on a little longer.”

They were silent for some time as Eve calmed herself down. From outside her room, they could hear Kibum trying to bargain with the dogs to get them to let him rest. “I don’t know what’s wrong, it’s… Something is broken,” Eve said. “I’m broken.”

“You’re not broken,” Taeyeon comforted. “I know it feels that way — I know that’s what your brain is telling you —, but trust me, Nabi-yah. You’re not broken. All you need is to get help — professional help.”

“Oppa said the same thing. We’re in the process of looking for a therapist that won’t tell me it’s all in my head.”

‘I mean, technically, it is all in your head,'' Taeyeon joked, trying to get Eve to smile. “It’s a mental illness. In your mi–”

“I get it, oh my goodness.”

Taeyeon chuckled. “You know I’m here for you if you need anything? We’re in this together, okay? I don’t call you Kim Maknae for nothing, so come to me whenever. I know what you’re going through — I’ve been there. I won’t leave you to go through this alone. We’ll take it step by step by step by step. You’re doing so well and I can see your hard work.”

Eve nodded. “Thank you, ahjumma. It means a lot.”

She squeezed Eve’s shoulder. “It’s no problem. And you do realise that when you go to therapy, you’ll have to talk about your feelings, right?”

Eve groaned, throwing her head back as Taeyeon cackled. “I’m not looking forward to it.”

“Just pretend your therapist is me and you’ll be fine.”

“But,” Eve started, her voice slightly more uncertain, “I’ve, like… Like, I’ve…”

“Yeah,” Taeyeon encouraged.

Eve sighed frustratedly. “I don’t know, it’s… I’ve basically, like, found a way to mould my life around my depression. It isn’t constantly bad or anything like that, but it’s there. And I know how to go through life while being depressed, you know? And… I guess, I’m just… Who am I without depression?” She asked, not actually expecting Taeyeon to answer. “When I went to that psychologist, he told me that I most likely started feeling depressed when I was twelve and subconsciously found a way to, like, ignore it, or whatever, but he could see the effects it had on me. He said the reason it was getting more apparent than before was because I was feeling more and more stressed and he gave me ways to manage them. And I follow the tips, and I do the stretches and meditations, and I’ve, like, reworked my personality around this depression thing, and… I don’t know who I am,” she finished, panting lightly.

“I relate to that,” Taeyeon said after a minute of silence. “You spend so long being depressed that you can’t remember who you were before you were depressed. Or, you do remember who you were, but it’s so similar to who you are now that you start to wonder if you’re actually depressed. So then the question becomes, ‘Is it that I’ve been depressed for longer than I realised?’ Or it’s, ‘Am I even depressed enough to warrant seeking help?’ Or, it’s ‘Am I even depressed at all?’ And honestly, Nabi, I don’t know what it is. I so badly wish I could tell you the answer, but the truth is, I’m also figuring that out. Like I said, we’re doing this together. So, if you find out the answer to that question first, tell me,” she joked.

Eve nodded with a chuckle. “Okay, okay. I have no more questions to ask now,” she said.

“Yeah? I find that hard to believe, but I’ll take it.” She stood up, removing her arm from Eve’s shoulder. “Let’s go out there. We bought you a cake. And, hey. If you’re not added to that debut in JYP by the end of the year, I’ll use my connections to have you debut solo. Or I’ll add you to Red Velvet.”

Eve rolled her eyes as she stood up. “Why would you add me to a group that’s been active for four years? I appreciate the sentiment, but seriously?”

Taeyeon scoffed, opening the door. “It’s the thought that counts,” she whined as they walked into the living room.

Kibum looked up as he threw a toy for Garçon to chase after. “Are you done?”

Taeyeon nodded. “We talked and talked.”

He shifted his gaze to his sister. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yes, actually,” Eve said with a deep exhale. “Ahjumma said things that I needed to hear. Thanks for arranging this.”

“Of course, you don’t have to mention it,” he said, sighing as Garçon put the toy back in his hands. They all watched as Commes Des stalked over to Taeyeon, the idol picking the dog up.

“I heard there’s cake.”

an: i dont go to jype so idk they actually stop training when a group is preparing for debut, but i thought it would be a cool thing to add/write about

tagging: @seolboba // @ateezivy // @ateezjuliet // @cafemilk-tea // @smh-anon // @alixnsuperstxr // @cosmicwintr // @girlzwfun // @txt-yaomi // @moongrlz

©️ kim nabi

[bunnieclit]

idk what else to say besides life's been fucking my fat ass lately 😻

butttt my sons been doing amazing and gaining more weighttt (he's completely fine dw just born 2 weeks before my expected due date so lil mans a tad bit below average on his body weight)

so lil update

lost 4 pounds that's it😭 since having my baby im always so hungry ive binged three times since having him and literally never feel full after ik i gotta fast to shrink my stomach back down but my bf is so persistent about me eating especially at dinner he's completely caught on to the fact that i have a problem we've gotten into several arguments recently over food around me not eating/not eating enough but i am trying harder than ever to focus on my health my mindset has changed a lot since becoming a mother of course i want to be thin again but not more than i want to be alive which is new lmaoooo

sooooo srry 4 the rant but i gotta get this shit off my mind

i feel so alone and empty when i'm home alone sooooo almost all day every day ik i gotta learn how to drive so i can have some sort of life outside of my room i sit here and just overanalyze all my relationships and every lil interaction with my bf i feel so bad bc he works sm and comes home excited to see me and the bby and im so bitter and cold for lik the first 30 minutes then snap out of it cuz literally WTF i wait around for him to get home lik a dog and by the time he gets here im in a terrible mood and for whatttttt he's so good to me and understanding :( im trying so hard to be better for him the last thing i ever want to do is push him away from me he's my world

i had a full blown breakdown on sunday when my family came to visit our bby but thank godddd i sped off to the garage before they noticed anything was wrong but me it's just since having the baby i can't even stand the way i look

me and my bf do this bs were we take pictures of each other naked looking stupid and it's never bothered me b4 we always send them back and forth when he's working but he took one on saturday and the second i saw it i wanted to puke i didn't even recognize myself i looked disgusting but i didn't make a big deal about it until sunday

it was all I could think about throughout the day i kept going back and just staring at the picture so by the time he got home i was so hurt i barely talked to him when my family got there he was being extremely standoffish and wouldn't even come into the living room where we all were which is extremely unlike him so i went over there to apologize and ask him if he was mad at me

ofc cuz he's the best bf told me no he's just confused and doesn't know why i'm acting like that i completely brokedown sobbing telling him about how the picture made me feel and i know he didn't mean any harm by it but that i just hate myself sm and don't know how he could love me looking like this but he's ofc so reassuring and supportive i felt so much better afterwards

he's way older than me so he's extremely against plastic surgery but told me last night that after we have our second child he will pay for me to get a tummy tuck bc he can't stand to see how my body is affecting me anymore

likk thank you sirrrrrr😻

[escargot4free00]

Tonight was one of the few  times I’ve walked alone in the streets on Paris since my arrival as it gets dark/is dark. After a heavily emotional day, saying goodbye to my best friend who I won’t see in a year, and cleaning the house for hours finding copious spider dens and dealing with water problems amongst other things, being exhausted and anxious almost to my wits ends. I tried to keep my cool the entire day. As I decided to trek to the other side of Paris, to stay my brothers’ house, I find that I’m locked out, with two heavy bags and having forgotten to eat dinner. I am so hungry, but the closest supermarket closed 5 minutes earlier. So I take my bags and walk to the next supermarket, with 10 minutes to spare before all the grocery stores would be shut. It’s still light outside and im walking as super paced as I possibly can to make it in time. Each street I walk down is crevice filled with men, who blatantly stare and talk at me as if I was a kind of prey. I don’t think I saw one woman out on the street. On the corner of the supermarket as I approach the sliding doors, three boys are playing soccer, and one of them keeps staring me up and down up and down, until he charges at me with his entire body weight with the ball, throwing himself on top of me so as to literally assert his physical dominance. He bows me kisses and tries to brush his weight against me again but I quickly bolt between the supermarket doors. The only woman I see walking around is a homeless woman who I have seen around. She didn’t make eye contact with anyone. As I get to the counter the man at the checkout creepily winks at me. I had to instantly look down from the overwhelming discomfort and shudders in my spine. He suddenly holds up a bag of chips that I had taken and begins yelling « did you rip this open « . I say no of course not - like ,,,, no I didn’t rip the fucking chip packet before buying it and giving it to him at the fucking checkout. Why would I do that. He signals for the security guard who towers over me. He tells him to take me to the cameras to check for whether I opened the chip packet on screen. I am literally on the verge of a full breakdown as he’s just yelling at me, swiping between screens showing sections of the supermarket. I repeat myself over and over that I didn’t rip the fcking packet open, that would make absolutely no sense, I was paying for it either way! They keep me there until they decide they're ready to stop giving a fuck. Just making sure I have just enough exposure to enough people, humiliated and in tears. They shove the packet into my chest and say they’re closing so I have to now pay. They tell me not to come back but then give me a smile and a wink as I leave. At this point I’m genuinely depleted, im so tired. I walk a 10 minute longer route so I don’t have to face the men through the smaller streets. On my alternative route, with 2% on my phone, I receive 4 different men at different points blatantly yelling at me, telling me I should go home with them, asking for a kiss, telling me not to walk so fast and asking why I don’t look at them. 

I’ve genuinely never felt myself get to the point of completely defencelessness in the presence of men. But when we have no options but to cop it or bare the potential dangers of reciprocating and verbalising your discomfort and anger, then we’re essentially just fucked. 

[chilapis]

hi lapis! i hope this isnt bothersome, but i thought i should tell you, today i found out my f/o has an official perfume too, and all i could think of was your extensive and detailed (and impressive) breakdown of tartaglias. my bf is a fellow hoyo character, luke from tot, which im not sure you know of, but generally personality wise hes quite energetic and positive, with angst and gloominess hidden and unprocessed, but thats .. irrelevant. the top notes of the perfume have lemon and orange, and there is apricot in the heart (?) notes, which i think does suit him quite well. as well as spearmint? which i did not know you could put into perfume. and lily of the valley, and then amber and whatnot in the base notes. to my understanding the top notes arent what it mainly smells like?? im not knowledgable about this stuff at all so i dont know what scents mix well or whether if they have like themes or symbolism, i feel like ive been losing my mind reading articles about different notes and the composition of scents. i am still very lost, but i feel like your post gave me some direction, so thank you!

anyway, hope youre doing well, and also that this isnt too weird of a message to send, as we have been mutuals for only some time <3

- @lov3dream

Oh goodness, this isn’t weird or bothersome at all — it’s been such a thrill to read. I haven’t really ever indulged in any other MiHoyo games, but I have briefly heard of Tears of Themis so I do have the briefest idea.

First thing? Don’t every think of something as not holding potential to be a perfume note; it’s mostly chemical compositions that are used to achieve those notes or accords, or wrung out essences. It is truly insane what you’ll find in the notes of perfumes sometimes. That said, taking all provided notes into consideration, that certainly smells refreshing — citrusy, minty, with a slight warmth and sweetness to it. I’d say the way fragrances smell have a-lot to do with many different factors. Namely, if you put it on yourself or such, it might smell different on you than it might on someone else because different people tend to pull different notes of the fragrance more strongly based on their own body’s natural scent.

As for the notes; notes are usually divided into three categories, top, middle, and base. Most people usually smell the perfume in that order too; meaning that you might smell the top notes right off the bat, the middle notes when it’s been a few minutes and it’s settled in, and the base notes when it’s been a while and it’s just lingering now. Of-course this isn’t a rigid rule and sometimes the base notes are so strong that they hit you as soon you spray. I feel like it depends on the general/full make-up for scents to work together? Not to mention Memo again (can you tell I have a favourite house yet), but their Italian Leather fragrance literally has Tomato leaf in it. Tomato leaf. Can you imagine making that work without making yourself smell like soup? No? Well, they managed it somehow and it’s honestly not a bad scent, though it’s not something I’d personally wear due to my own tastes. It’s actually quite nice. Scents do have themes and symbolism however; most people are a stranger to that so you don’t have to worry about it, as the average person is more or less just concerned about smelling good rather than smelling like or representing a particular style or feeling.

Articles can be really confusing though, I get that, because certain things are just, much easier to understand in conversation than in a pre-written article. I promise you don’t have to do this alone though; I could help you navigate scents and themes a little better? You can message me if you need any help and are confortable with it, I wouldn’t mind at all. This is such a sweet message either way though, good luck and I hope you’ve been seeing to your needs and taking care of yourself!

[anything-viva]

sorry i just need to rant about this bc i've fucking had it. here's the big lies she's told me off the top of my head, kinda tmi but idc.

like she said she got pneumonia when she was nine and her parents refused to take her to the hospital, nearly killing her. funny thing, whenever i complained abt my cramps she'd bring up how hers used to put her in the hospital. (way to center the conversation on yourself, btw!) she wouldn't be old enough to drive when she first started getting them, so who took her to the hospital? i went to school with her, i live five minutes away from her, never saw ambulances that often! curious!

that's also part of the reason why i didn't get my shit checked out for so long! "oh, it's not as bad as rachel's so it's no big deal. i should just shut up and bear it." i can hardly stand up for ten minutes without pain now. THANKS! I CAME TO MY BEST FRIEND FOR ADVICE AND YOU LIED TO ME <3

btw her periods aren't even that bad. she gave me the thinnest fucking pad that would hardly last me three hours on a bad day like that. SHE CLAIMED IT WOULD LAST TWELVE! FUCKING LMAO! she didn't belive me when i laughed and told her it wouldn't last. if your parents refused to take you to the hospital when you nearly died, why would they take you if your periods are that light? like if your outer signs are so minimal, they wouldn't take you!!

said her dad took the lock off her door and creeped on her. HER DOOR HAS A LOCK, THERE IS NO DAMAGE ON THE DOOR!!! also the way she described it sounded exactly like an anime trope. shes a MASSIVE weeb, so i think she got it from some shitty anime she saw.

she said she's saving up to move out of her abusive household yet she splurges money like crazy. her room is full of anime figurines and unused wiccan shit. i really don't think she's actually a wiccan, she would've used those candles but they showed NO signs of use! as soon as we get together she starts talking abt buying lingerie and stuff from spencer's. aren't you saving up???

she says she can hear demons when her ears start ringing- babe, you have tinnitus.

and the constant constant "how do you think i feel?" she says i can tell her anything, but whenever i complain it's almost always "hOw Do YoU tHiNk I fEel" unless im on the verge of a fucking breakdown

said to my face "i haven't gotten fast food in months!" I WAS IN THE CAR WITH HER WHEN SHE GOT THEM? LIKE LMFAO? i wouldn't really care how she eats, but the audacity to lie to my face about something I SAW?!

she lies about getting commissions CONSTANTLY. made some fucking ridiculous lie up abt getting a comm from some rich lady who owns property at the tip of florida, supposedly over 100 manatees live there! No the fuck they don't!!!!!!! do you think i'm stupid?!

most recent example happened tonight. she hung up some of her paintings today at the gallery and claimed afterwards she got two offers on them? no the fuck she didn't, they were some of her worst paintings. i was there most of the time, i likely would've heard it!

i think that last bit is bc i got more attention than her. we were seated at the same booth. i talked a LOT to the people who were interested in my art because i can hold a conversation!

that's why she started making up shit abt commissions and getting jumped. OH MY FUCKIGN GOD

SHES BEEN DOING THIS AS LONG AS IVE KNOWN HER AND I ONLY JUST REALIZED

EDIT I FORGOT ABT THAT ONE TIME THIS SUMMER SHE SAID HER DAD TOOK A THIUSAND DOLLARS FROM HER BANK ACCOUNT. GOOD GOD I FORGOT ABT THAT. MY MOM AND BROTHER WERE THERE.

[crohnsdiseased]

just felt like rambling about my school’s bullshit somewhere that isn’t *as* directly tied to me lmao

christ. i tested positive for covid (no fucking idea where i got it) and so they have to put me in the quarantine dorms, which already sucks because i have to move across campus during finals and be alone and whatever but i get it, they have to deliver us all food, it makes sense. i hate it but it makes sense!

the quarantine dorms are on the 4th floor of the freshmen dorms. which infamously have no elevator.

i email the guy handling it all to be like hey are there any lower floor options, i’m disabled and i don’t think i’ll be able to carry my belongings up Three Flights Of Stairs. he says no, but you have plenty of time to move in so it’ll be fine. (i had 3 hours to move in from the time the email was sent)

im like. ok. i’ll try. i guess. i gather my belongings and push a cart full of everything i need for 10 days— including shit like toilet paper, bedding, etc because they do not provide that in the quarantine dorms— Across Campus. i am disabled, i have covid, it’s fucking cold out, i am already tired from that. i get to the freshmen dorms. i get to the first set of stairs. i Cannot get my belongings up even One Step.

i immediately email again saying hey this isn’t gonna work i literally am unable to get up the stairs, i am disabled, can someone be sent to help me. while waiting for a reply, in the cold, i try lugging my stuff up the stairs again. can’t even get a step up. again.

after an hour. an Hour. i send a followup message. saying hey. im sorry for sending so many messages. but i am in the freezing cold, because i do not want to wait inside, because i do not want to spread covid. i CANNOT get up the stairs. Please Do Something For Me. i still do not get a reply. half an hour passes. my mom is threatening to call every official on the planet. me, being socially anxious, is like pppplease no id rather freeze.

after a while i am So cold and tired, and mind you i woke up at 7am after sleeping like shit bc covid has given me insomnia (usually im great at sleeping), so i go up to one building that has the office of res life. idfk what every office does so im like ok maybe they can help me. and i ask the front desk person if they can ask if someone can help me. they ask who ive been emailing with, i tell them, they’re like oh he’s back here, they go back and talk to him. they come back and say “im sorry we can’t help you.” this person seems genuinely sorry and like they want to help but that a higher up, mr. Ignoring My Fucking Emails, is saying they can’t. by this point i am mere seconds away from sobbing so im like :) thank you… and leave and then have a lil breakdown in the bathroom where i can’t even wipe my snot face bc i have fucking covid and i feel bad enough even using a public bathroom at all

anyway i gave my mom permission to call whoever she wanted and she called around. i was told multiple times someone would be ‘contacting me’ and nobody did. it’s another 45 minutes. she calls the health center and there’s a nurse there who is SO horrified that NO ONE IS DOING ANYTHING that she walks halfway across campus in full Plague Gear to me. and she carries my belongings. up three flights of stairs. the entire time being like “it is Ridiculous that they make students with covid do this wtf” and i thank her a hundred times and my mom sends an email being like “pls give nurse a raise. pls tell email jerk he sucks.” the nurse is my guardian angel.

30 minutes after arriving in the dorm, email jerk replies to me saying i should abandon my belongings at the bottom of the stairs (in the middle of the dorm yard) and go to the dorm and he ‘may’ have someone come by in 15 minutes to bring my things up for me. i say … no. no thanks im at the dorm.

anyway shoutout to my school i guess

[the-gayest-sky-kid]

#ooooh hope you don't mind that i add on but lile #Chuuya is the one considered the alcoholic of the two but we do see Dazai with at least half a dozen bottles of sake #so like. they both drinl #my personal hc is that chuuya drinks more conservatively but more often and in social situations #while dazai goes on a bender once a month's or so and gets so smashed he wakes up in the hospital 5 days later with no memory #so like. chuuya might leave dazai voicemails shouting and blustering before hirotsu takes the phone and apologies amd hangs up #but i can imagine dazai. still so young. 18-19 years old completely alone in some isolated part of the mainland #away from everyone he's ever known away from the mafia away from his culture and his city and CHUUYA #drunk on the cheapest alcohol he could get (sake most of the time) and completely blacked out. so smashed he can't even stand #and chuuya gets a voicemail full of hiccuping and slurred words talking nonsense from a burner phone #or sometimes dazai manages to get his hands on wine and in those voicemails he laughs and comments on how chuuya would hate him #so much more than he already does if he could just see goe cheap this wine was #and how he'd say it tastes like bullshit. and in those it sounds suspiciously like he's crying #ough i just. completely blackout drunk Dazai having breakdowns all cold and alone and only remembering Chuuya's number #even when he's too drunk to comprehend he shouldn't be calling he still remembers the number and he still remembers Chuuya's name #and even better is that all those hiccupy voicemails are the only guarantee chuuya has that dazai is still alive #sometimes he doesn't get any for a month or three and something in his stomach grows heavy and he can't quite sense why #until he wakes up with a missed call and 20 minutes of complete nonsense and he knows Dazai is out there somewhere

#dmskc sorry i just. ough #they're kids they are!! children!!! #little Dazai completely on his own half crying and he can only think of Chuuya and he still trusts him and calls him #without even knowing why himself

tags by @/ap-pren-tice. uhm leo im going to bite you for this one

I have this vision of a drunk Dazai sending Chuuya voicemails but like, back when he was in hiding, and idk what to do with it

[koishua]

𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐭𝐚𝐲𝐨 !

ENHYPEN REACTING TO YOU JAMMING TO THEIR TAYO SONGS!

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[⌗] 𝗵𝗲𝗲𝘀𝗲𝘂𝗻𝗴.

screams. is scandalised. the sheer betrayal he feels

poor boy just wanted some good ol’ affection from you when he came to your doorsteps

gulps in fear when he hears a vaguely familiar tune coming from some room in your house, but then pushes the fear back in his head  

my man SERVES

vocals and dance and rap and all that jazz. he is there to be a fabulous showman. 

is going down for the next two or three business days afterwards. mentally too drained im sorry he can’t function

rest of the members are under the cut !

[⌗] 𝗷𝗮𝘆.

why do i feel like he will just 1) gulp, 2) sigh, 3) and join right in to your popping moves for billy poco lmao

as much as he feels tired of the song, he does enjoy the sick beat pffft-

will probably turn it into a show and do the entire pizzaz and all haha

add a few jazzy partner dance section to the “oh oh oh oh oh” part and we’re so done gahh even i’m tired thinking about this

[⌗] 𝗷𝗮𝗸𝗲.

you best believe he is absolutely over the amount of times he has already spent mouthing ta- tayo ta- tayo by now besties.

he will breakdown and cry

okay not necessarily cry

but when he steps into your room with hopes of relaxing from the hectic day, only to see you busting moves to the god awfully happy song, he will nope right tf out of that place bahaha ;-;

mans just not okay wbk

he is traumatised. help this boy pls.

[⌗] 𝘀𝘂𝗻𝗴𝗵𝗼𝗼𝗻.

he doesn’t know if he should laugh or cry bc you’re cute, but you’re also yelling out the full lyrics to his first tayo song

decides to just stay there for a few seconds, smiling to himself because you’re so gosh darn into it and he would feel bad for disturbing your fun

but he is out after thirty seconds max. 

he has had enough of it.

god knows how many times he has been forced to go through the pain.

[⌗] 𝘀𝘂𝗻𝗼𝗼.

sunshine boy 1000% joins in on the fun and makes the whole experience just immaculate and divine.

will bust out a random disco light and hang it up somewhere in the room out of nowhere and find his bluetooth speakers to have it on loop

neighbors will think you are possessed

but you’re just aggressively double headbanging to billy billy poc-

it somehow turns into a workout idk how tho bahahaha

[⌗] 𝗷𝘂𝗻𝗴𝘄𝗼𝗻.

somehow doesn’t even hear anything and walks inside with his headphones

isn’t going to do anything about his s/o absolutely losing it while doing the air guitar and aggressive arm pops 

he just plops somewhere randomly and scrolls on his phone.... randomly pulls out his headphones to tell you about something he found, but then hears the ‘gaegujaengi kkoma bus <3’ and slowly

very slowly, subtly, puts his music back on and dissolves

[⌗] 𝗻𝗶-𝗸𝗶.

listen.

he thinks it’s cute and all but. oml. if he had to listen to a single more second of that song or dive off your second floor back outside, he would do it in a heartbeat

BUT

but!!! when he sees you dancing,,,

his inner child and competitive side gets to him

and now it’s just a bunch of kids trying to outdance each other 

im sorry, you’ll be dead tired after having billy poco on loops for forty eight minutes rip to your ears, brains, and muscles.

[thunderon]

{{ You said you have road trip stories? I live for road trip stories! What's your favorite one? Or which one are you least ashamed to share, if you don't have a favorite?

i could write a novel about my multiple horrible no good very bad roadtrips (that i remember fondly) but i think i got a story from my most recent roadtrip this summer. a lot of people think im kidding when i tell this story but it’s unfortunately 100% true

i actually think i mentioned it on this blog before, but i’ll set the scene: me and two others are driving through the mountains late on day 2 of our No Preparation Spontaneous Roadtrip and we take the “scenic route” (and by that i mean we get totally lost).

we’re about an hour up the mountainside and none of us have phone service and have no way to find our way back down so we’re just speeding along the roads trying to find our way out. our driver (who, let the record show, is not a good driver) is getting very stressed out. i mean she’s got a white knuckled grip on the steering wheel and is jerking us back and forth along the mountain roads. im riding shotgun, feeling vaguely nauseous, and we got someone else in the backseat lying down because our driver’s erratic driving is making her so carsick. things could be going better. the situation is already less than ideal, but things went from bad to worse when a 300 lb bear sprints onto the road.

now let me share something with you: you think you know fear when you see a 300 lb bear charging at your car. you know you know fear when the driver hits the gas instead of the brakes and suddenly you’re riding shotgun in a car hurtling 60+ mph at a charging bear.

it was such a scene: the driver is screaming and grabbing me like ive somehow suddenly developed the ability to magically stop us from hitting this fucking bear and so she’s half hanging on my arm, foot still on the gas, and i swear i set the world record for The Most “Oh Fuck”s Said in Three Seconds right then, and meanwhile our third person lying down in the backseat doesn’t know what’s going on but she shoots up when she hears the commotion and BANG we hit that wholeass bear with the full force of a mid-sized sedan driven by a woman with an apparent deathwish.

well we had so much momentum from our driver’s questionable choice to accelerate rather than brake, we manage to run OVER the bigass bear. which honestly i would have thought would be physically impossible to do if i hadn’t been there. i mean our car literally goes up over the bear (who gets bounced around under our car) and we slam down on the other side and run halfway off this narrow mountain road and the driver swerves onto the side and we’re all sitting there for a second just trying to process what in the fuck just happened and the driver is has this exact expression:

… and then we hear a blood curdling scream from our passenger (who had no idea what was going on) and me and the driver of course whip our heads around to see what the fuss was about. now let me share something else: you experience an emotion beyond fear when you run over a bear with a car…. and then the bear gets up.

the driver (making her first good decision of the day) decides not to stick around for bear vs car: round 2, thank you very much, and guns it. we shot back onto the road and put some much needed distance between us and the very angry bear we just hit.

about a few minutes after hurtling down the road nearly twice the speed limit the adrenaline wears off and we stumble upon a wide enough place to kinda pull off to the side. the driver is fully having a nervous breakdown and so i hop out to assess the damages. the bumper is cracked and out of place, the license plate is totally bent back etc. but luckily it’s not too bad (all things considered) and my extensive history of owning shitty cars finally paid off and i was able to fix the bumper up enough to prevent it from scraping the ground.

eventually some kind folks gave us directions down the mountain and we got into the nearest town after dark and of course no mechanics shops were open at that time so we had to quickly find ourselves a place to crash (we ended up staying in the third worst motel ive ever been to in my life, but that’s a separate trauma for another time). our roadtrip ended shortly thereafter but hey. we got a good story outta it.

tl;dr we picked a fight with a bear and i think everyone lost really. the car, the bear, and especially us.

[calamitys-child]

How long did you have to wait for your referral to go through to the GIC? I’ve been on a waiting list since 2020 and heard nothing back.

So my timeline in essence has been like. A little chaotic, I have adhd and was in a pandemic so i dont have the greatest grasp on how time passes, and obviously people not in central Scotland may experience things very differently but.

February 2018 - Self referral to Sandyford clinic in Glasgow pretty much the instant I was 18 and financially independent

2018-2020 - got thoroughly ignored by Sandyford

~April 2020 - got made redundant due to The Covid, my bosses tried to fuck me over by not paying severance but someone else at the company pointed out that meant they owed me over a grand in back holiday pay. Immediately had a lockdown breakdown and spent all of that going private, rendering myself Very Skint

July 2020 - first appointment with private clinic YourGP in Edinburgh, got my first letter of diagnosis here. Costs ~£350 per appointment iirc and you need three appointments before you can start T or anything

July - December 2020 - those happened. Two diagnostic appointments, one of which was a therapist/psych screening, and a prescription appointment during which they lost the psych letter and had to delay prescribing. Medical Competence :)

December 4th 2020 - started half dose (1 pump daily) testogel. I went for gel because it was the cheapest option (~£35/bottle plus £20 prescription fee, I'd pick up two bottles at a time so it was ~£90 every couple months) and because I could self administer it, because. It was 2020 and every nurse in the world was so fucking busy. However my plan was to switch to sustanon when I was able to access a GP more reliably

~ March 2021 - started full dose testogel (2 pumps daily). This was also roughly when Sandyford finally picked me up so I no longer had to pay my prescription fee. Legally changed my name

October 2021 - asked Sandyford to change me from testogel to sustanon, and to refer me to the Chalmers clinic in Edinburgh as I'd moved back to Edinburgh now

EVERY SINGLE WEEK between December 2021 and April 2022 - emailed Sandyford saying "Hiya! Neither myself nor my GP have yet received the prescription and referral I was due to receive last October. Can you please confirm you are sending us this information? Thank you for your help!". Got ignored every single time until ~April 12th ish when they finally called my GP

April 22nd 2022 - finally started sustanon, 1ml every 3 weeks. Was given a list of potential top surgery providers to look into

July 26th 2022 - first appointment with Chalmers. Reviewed 3 months bloods - my T levels are slightly low but it could be due to not being bang on the 3 months mark, so we're gonna wait another 3 months to see if this evens out or if I would do better on nebido. Wrote up surgery referral letter and I just need to call and confirm with my final decision on which surgery team I want

July 27th 2022 - I have been on hold for forty six minutes with increasing fits of nervous laughter at the fact the main top surgery team people in Scotland get referred to is. Man Chester.

From here - it'll probably be about 2 years till my surgery at this point given wait times

I hope this is a vaguely helpful overview, if you've any questions about any of it in more detail just shout - im happy to answer pretty much anything asked in good faith and will just politely say no if it's something I don't want to discuss publicly:)

[reidsconverse]

memories • spencer reid

Spencer Reid x Reader

Warnings: none! just 4000 words of pure angst

This was an old fic reworked to be about around spencer so its taking a lottt of creative/artistic liberty with the character, so it kinda sucks im sorry! 😁

Every moment you had with him was one to be remembered and cherished for better or worse.

It had been a few weeks since Spencer had officially ended things, he had moved all of his stuff out of your apartment and now it seemed as if he had never even existed in the same place as you, as though you two were strangers. That is had it not been for the images of memories the two of you held. So, here you were sat alone in your room, your only company the half-empty bottle of wine and photographs of the two of you which sat strewn carelessly across your floor.

You picked up a picture and stared at it realising you both looked so happy. His arm was wrapped around your shoulder, a cup in his hand and his signature grin sitting across his face. Your head was leaning against his shoulder, the smile on your face reminding you of how free you had felt that night, you had never felt happier and you recognised that night as the night you realised...you were so in love.

"We should have a party," Spencer yelled despite there being no one else other than the two of you in the room.

"Right now?" You looked at him as if he was insane, not only was it completely out of character for your boyfriend but also, it was 1 am on a Wednesday and although your friends weren't those with a regular schedule you presumed most of them would decline a house party in the middle of the week.

"Yeah right now, c'mon doll I'll call Derek and some of the others and you call your friends." His hand was already on his phone texting Derek before you could protest so you followed his instructions and went ahead and invited your friends before getting up and preparing for this impromptu party.

It had only been 10 minutes when you heard Derek and some others open the door shouting for Spencer and you walked over with a grin on your face, "Hey D, Spencers being a diva and redoing his hair, he'll be right down." You said, rolling your eyes as Derek pulled you into a hug, he may have been Spencer's best friend but he thought of you as a sister and always treated you as such.

"Well I have look good for my girl," You heard Spencer say from behind you quickly placing a kiss on your cheek before doing his weird handshake with Derek, "Hey, thanks for coming'."

The three of you made your way to the kitchen to grab some drinks and greet some more guests who had congregated in that area and before you knew it, you were 4 shots in, feeling way past tipsy and in the mood to dance.

"Hey Spence," You said walking over to where he was now sat, a cup in his hand as he held a conversation with JJ and Emily about something that you didn't care too much about. You waved a quick hello to the girls so as not to be rude and then placed your head on his shoulder to let him know of your presence.

"Hey darling, you feeling good?" He turned his face and flashed you a wide grin before wrapping an arm around you to pull you close to him. He enjoyed being near you whenever he could, when he was away he would long for the days where all he did was sit and hold you close to him regardless of what the two of you were doing, so now whenever he had the chance he would hold you close.

"Feelin' great Spence.. wanna dance with you..."  You said pulling out of his hold and grabbing his hand leading him onto the 'dance floor', which was just the open space in your living room. He laughed and quickly finished his drink, discarding the cup somewhere in the room and held you as you both danced to the music playing through the speakers.

After a couple of songs, you both made your way to get another drink and get a break from the crowd, you sat at the kitchen island and passed him a drink."You know, considering you're a genius, I would've thought you'd be able to coordinate a bit better."  You said teasing him about his choice of moves which had essentially been him waving his arms in the air attempting to be in tune with the music.

He looked at you in fake shock and scoffed, "Yeah well it was still better than whatever you were trying to do." Referring to your horrendous attempt at trying to be sexy which in truth was never going to be anything but embarrassing. You stuck your tongue out in a childish manner causing him to laugh and quickly move to place his lips against yours giving you a soft kiss.

You jumped down from the counter after pulling back as a couple of your friends walked in and struck up a conversation about nothing interesting yet you made the effort to look engaged as Spencers's arm slipped over your shoulders and you placed your head against his shoulder.

"Hey guys, look here." You both turned to see your friend Harry, as always with a polaroid camera in his hand. You and Spencer gave each other a quick smile before grinning wide for the camera, both your faces full of love and happiness.

You sat there thinking about how quickly things can change, the people in the image you held so young and naive to the struggles the future would hold. Taking another sip of your wine you skimmed through some more pictures before stopping at one that held a bittersweet meaning. A picture that was taken a few days after what had been your worst fight, you both looked happy but all you could think about the events leading up to the image being taken.

It was your and Spencers 5th anniversary and he had promised he would make it to dinner. You hadn't seen each other in weeks because he was away on a case but he had promised he wouldn't miss this day, he had asked for permission from Hotch to leave for a couple of days so he would be there. "No excuses, No ifs and buts...I'll be there babe. I promise."

But there you were, alone at a table for two. The look on the waiters face held nothing but pity as he walked over for the fourth time to ask if someone would be joining you. Finally, you gave up and shook your head to let him know you would be leaving and would like the cheque. You had never felt so humiliated walking out of the restaurant head held high but tears building up in your eyes and so you cried. You felt so broken, almost as broken as all those promises Spencer had made you. The word promise and sorry had lost all meaning in the last 5 years, simply a courtesy rather than meaningful.

The minute you got home your phone began ringing, it was Spencer.

"Hey doll, I'm so sorry I couldn't make it, the team wanted to go out last night and I kind of missed my -." He began to explain causing you to scoff, 'no ifs or buts' my ass.

"How could you?" Your voice cracking as you tried to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill for the second time that night. "I waited for 2 fucking hours Spencer, I felt like a fucking idiot."  

"What? What are you talking about?" His voice was full of confusion. "Didn't you get my text?"

"No, I fucking didn't. I didn't get a fucking text. But that's not the fucking point, You should've been here, you promised you would be here."

"Babe, I'm so -," He began but you knew what he was gonna say. The only conversations you seemed to have were stuck on a loop like a broken record.

"Save it. Don't say you're sorry when you don't mean it, stop saying sorry and show it instead."

"Look, I'll get on the first flight out. I'll see you in a few hours, I'll make it up to you I prom-." You hung up the phone before he could continue, his promise worth nothing to you anymore. Walking over to the couch, you fell asleep the minute your head rested against one of the many cushions populating the seat.

You woke up to keys jingling in the door, yet you made no effort to move from where you were. The sound of his footsteps got louder as he approached.

"Babe? I know you're up." He said, kneeling beside you making you sigh and sit up. "Babe, I'm so sorry. I fucked up."

You just stared at him, it might have been petty but you didn't want to give in to his apologies just yet, he had to understand just how much he had hurt you first.

"I couldn't care less anymore, Spencer. I just need to remember that I'll always come second to work and that's fine, it's important to you and I understand that." You got up and walked over to the kitchen to gather yourself.

"Babe you are the most important thing to me, I'm sorry-."

That was the straw that broke the camel's back. "Here we go again, Spencer there's only so many times you can say you're sorry before it loses all meaning. I'm sick and tired of this, I don't know if I can do this anymore. You're never here, you make promises you can never keep and I'm pretty sure you've told me you're sorry more times than you've told me you love me."

"Please don't do this. I love you." His voice was shaking, breaking down at the thought of you leaving him. He moved over to you and turned you so you were facing him. "I know this means nothing to you but I am so sorry. I've been so shitty to you and I know it."

"Spencer, I deserve better than this and I'm sick of forgiving you and acting like I'm fine with how you treat me, you might not mean it but it fucking hurts. I love you so much and I know you love me but would it kill you to put me first for once in your fucking life."

This annoyed him, the lack of sleep and being overworked leaving him less patient and more irritable, "That's not fucking fair, you knew what you were signing up for when you started dating me, I'm doing my fucking best. I go to work for US, to support US. If I could devote all of my time to you if I could, but I can't and it fucking kills me. You can't understand how much I miss you when I'm not here."

Tears welled in your eyes seeing him breakdown, unable to keep up the unbothered facade you had on, "I just...Spence, I miss you too. It hurts not being able to be near you and so when you're not there when you promise you will be, it hurts it really fucking hurts not to mention it's terrifying, how am I supposed to know you're ok if you do shit like that."

He pulled you into his arms as you sobbed into his chest, all the emotions you'd kept bottled up during the argument letting go. "I know baby, I'm so sorry I hurt you. I promise, and I mean it this time, I won't let you down again. I love you." He mumbled into your hair, slowly kissing your forehead whilst consoling you and holding you like he never wanted to let go.

The two of you went to bed that night in silence, not a word was spoken until the next day wherein Spencer switched off his phone and dedicated the whole weekend to you and only you. He kept his word once he had to leave, always fulfiling his promises, never pushing you to the side and communicating with you always. The two of you felt strong again, you were happy.

You put your glass down and walked out of your room and began pacing around the living room, pictures of you and him still up on your walls, the walls that no longer belonged to the both of you. You thought back to when he asked you to move him, how nervous he was and how excited you were.

It was movie night at Spencers house. Each week he invited everyone over to watch a film, everyone taking it in turns to select a film. This week Emily had chosen Midsommar, a film you were yet to see so you were excited. You were sat beside Spencer on the loveseat, his arm around you and your face resting against his chest, a blanket covering you both for extra comfort. You looked up and saw Derek and Penelope lay spread across the floor whilst JJ and Emily sat on the sofa. Bowls of popcorn and sweets were scattered around the room and beer bottles were piling up. It was nights like this that you wanted to treasure forever, for the first time you felt like you had a family, people to call your own, people you could trust.

"Watcha thinking about?" Spencer asked, glancing at you and realising your mind wasn't directed at the movie anymore.

"Nothing, just really lucky to have you in my life," You reached your hand up to hold his face and gave him a soft kiss. "I love you."

He pulled you in closer if that was even possible, "I love you too."

"Ugh, get a room." Derek groaned making you both chuckle.

Spencer responded by throwing some popcorn at him, "Aw is someone jealous, don't worry you'll find someone soon enough."

Derek murmured a quiet, "Fuck off" before turning his attention back to the movie, making everyone laugh.

The movie ended shortly and everyone was discussing what to watch next, you were in the mood for a comedy but Derek wanted to watch Die Hard for the millionth time. After several minutes of slight arguing, you finally decided on rewatching Moana for the 12th time.

Everyone was pretty much settled, drinks refilled, popcorn replenished and everyone back in their positions. Emily was about to press play before JJ stopped her, "Wait before you start I'm kinda cold can I borrow a sweater?" She asked Spencer.

"Yeah sure, take one from our room." He said casually like it was normal but it made your breath hitch in your throat, did he just say our room? As in, yours and his. Unofficially he wasn't wrong, it was your room as much as his, you spent pretty much every night here making having your own apartment redundant, but he hadn't yet asked you to move in with him. You couldn't help the small blush on your face and the way your lips turned upwards at his words. It made you happy knowing he thought of it as something for both of you.

"What has you so happy?" Penelope asked in a teasing tone, she'd picked up on Spencer words and knew exactly why you were smiling.

You just stuck your tongue out at her and looked up at Spencer, "Our room huh?" You asked making him smile.

"Yeah I mean, you're here every day, maybe more than I am. You should just move in at this point." He let out a little laugh after he said leaving you confused as to whether he was being serious, so you just laughed along and waited for JJ to come back so you could start the movie.

A couple of hours later almost everyone was half asleep, everyone apart from you and Spencer. You began making your way to his room followed by him carrying the blanket he had taken from his bed. The two of you went about your night routine, Spencer had insisted on keeping at least half of your things at his place hence why you never had to leave. You quickly changed into one of his shirts which fit you just right and climbed into bed where he was already sitting, reading a book.

"Spence, were you being serious...earlier when you said I should move in?" You asked him, making him put down his book and look at you.

"Would you like that? You don't have to say yes but I would love it if you moved in. The mornings when I wake up and you're still next to me, are the best mornings. Honestly, knowing I'm going to wake up next to you makes falling asleep easier. Plus Tesla and Edison love you, maybe even more than they loves me." He asked, the mention of his fish making you laugh despite the fact your eyes were welling up, what had you done to deserve the sweetest man to walk the earth.

You shifted yourself so you were straddling him and held his face in your hands, "I would love to move in with you." You answered placing a soft kiss to his lips.

"I love you so much," He said as you moved back to laying down next him. "You make me the happiest man alive and I'm so lucky to have you."

"God, Spence you gotta stop before I start crying, I love you too." You said, as he laughed and pulled you into a comfortable sleeping position.

"Goodnight love." He mumbled, already falling asleep.

"Goodnight Spence." You responded, closing your eyes and beginning to drift off but not before saying, "By the way, the fishies definitely love me more."

You hadn't realised you were crying until a tear fell onto the frame you were holding. The image just as blurred as the memories it held. You carefully placed the image face down onto the table rather than placing it back up. Making your way to the sofa, you got your phone out and glanced at the image that had left you in this state. A picture of him and her, his hands holding hers as tight as they once held yours, the grin on both of their faces wide. He was happy, only it wasn't because of you anymore. You closed your eyes again, remembering how it all ended.

He had been distant since he had come back from this last case, he had been away for almost two months trying to catch this unsub and you had thought he'd be more excited to come back to you and finally be home. But he hadn't spent more than 10 minutes with you, the only time the two of you were in the same room for longer than that was when you fell asleep. Recently that had also stopped, he spent more nights away from home and at clubs with Derek and Emily , only coming back once he knew you weren't there. It was killing you but every time you questioned it he shrugged you off, telling you he loved you.

You wanted to scream at him if he loved you why isn't he showing it, why does he refuse to acknowledge you. You knew he was lying to you, he didn't love you anymore, you could see it in his eyes, how he never looked at you as he used to, he never held you like he used to. It was killing you and you knew you should ask him but you also knew that would lead to conversation you didn't want to have, an ending you didn't want to happen. So you kept quiet, went about your day and didn't question his actions, you had decided you would rather have the worst of him than not have him at all.

But that didn't last long. A few weeks later something happened, something you could ignore. Spencer had barely been home, only coming back to grab new clothes and leaving again often returning at 4 am or not all. The nights you spent alone, his side of the bed going cold broke your heart bit by bit. But you weren't ready for it to completely shatter, the images Penelope sent you of him holding that girl, a little too close, a little too tight, a little too much, start to fill your screen causing a lump in your throat and tears threatening to spill. You walked to the kitchen, surprised to see him there, he was sat at the counter head in his hands and a coffee in front of him.

"Spencer, what fuck is going on?" You all but shouted.

"Shh, my heads killing me." He said, burying his head in his hands attempting to block you out.

"You fucking asshole." You screamed at him, the pain and hurt evident in your broken voice as you tried your best not to cry.

This made him look up, far quicker than he should've causing his head to fill with pain and throb, but he didn't care, the memories of last night were coming back he knew he had fucked up. "I-I'm sorry, I was drunk and she was just there, nothing happened.

"You're sorry? Are you fucking kidding me?" You said, moving away from him as he got up to come closer to you. "No, don't fucking touch me. I'm done."

"What? No look I'm sorry, it won't happen again, I love you." The words were said, but the tone held so much uncertainty you couldn't tell if he was trying to convince you or himself.

"No you don't Spencer, not anymore. I know you don't and I've been lying to myself, saying that I'm ok with it when I'm not. I love you so much but I can't keep hurting myself by pretending like we're fine, We're not fine, we haven't been for a long time. Yes that fucking hurts, I thought we were forever, I thought we were going to grow old together and have kids and show them that we were soulmates. I thought we were perfect but we aren't."

"I never wanted to hurt you, I love you so much but-" He started with a sigh.

"You're not in love with me anymore..." You finished for him

"I'm so sorry. I wish things were different, I wish I could control how I felt. You were everything to me, I really did picture a future for us but things changed, I don't know why and I don't know how. You don't deserve this, I'm so sorry."

"I know Spence, I know." You moved closer to him and he held you like it was the last time... because it was. "I'm sorry too."

You pulled away from him."I'll grab some stuff and go stay at my mom's for a few days. I just need to find a new place to move my stuff to." You said, trying to brush some tears away but failing as they kept falling.

"No, it's fine. I'll go, this is just as much your home as it is mine. I'll stay with Derek for a bit, you take your time sorting stuff out ok?" He said, using his thumbs to attempt to wipe away your tears. You sighed but nodded knowing he wouldn't take no for an answer.

You sat down as he went to the room to gather some things, your mind reeling from the last half hour. How could so much change in such a short period of time, years spent together thrown away so quick.

"I'm done, I'll get going ok?" He said placing his duffel bag down beside by the door.

"So this is it huh?" You said, with a sigh. You felt him walk towards you and take a seat next to you.

"The last 10 years have been the most incredible time of my life, you put up with so much of my shit and loved me unconditionally and I can't thank you enough for giving the eager 25-year-old who wanted nothing more than to impress you a chance. I'm never going to stop loving you, you know that. I'm never gonna forget about you, my first love, the first woman to capture my heart. I'm so sorry things didn't work out like how we'd imagined them. If I could change how I feel I would, I wanted nothing more than for this to be a silly phase, for me to wake up one day and feel how I felt again. But it didn't happen and it fucking sucks."

"I get it, Spence, you have to do what makes you happy and I'm not gonna stop you. I'm just sorry it wasn't me that could give you want and need, but you're gonna make some girl out there very happy if you're even half the man you were when you were with me." You gave him a soft smile as he stroked your hair and kissed your forehead.

He stood up and walked to the door. "Call me when you're ready ok? I love you." He turned and gave you a soft smile before picking up his bag and walking out the door.

You just broke down, you don't know how long you sat there sobbing your heart out but it felt like forever. Everything hurt so bad you didn't think you'd ever feel any emotion other than heartbreak for as long as you lived.

You took a deep breath as your hand hovered over the delete button on your phone, it was time to move on just as he had. As you released the breath you were holding, your finger pressed against the button, deleting all the pictures you had with him and you felt like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders and the realisation sunk in.

You loved him so much, but he wasn't yours to love anymore.

He was just a memory.

-

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