#utterly drained
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I was in a car for 14 hours because, if anyone is unaware, I recently became aware of the fact that the man who was my father in everything but blood passed away in 2020. I am NC with that side of the family, and for my own physical and emotional safety, I had to cut everyone off. I couldn't chance reaching out and leaving a trail for my abusersers to follow. Not when I already had to change my number three times and move four times just to ensure they couldn't find me.
That didn't mean I couldn't visit his grave, though, and I did. It was. Hard. Seeing his grave made it real. Up until that point, I could tell myself it was a trick or it was the wrong man, until I saw that grave.
But, I spent 14 hours in a car, had to see the grave of someone I loved. Perhaps the only family member on that side I still loved at all. And now I'm once more stuck in insomnia. It's been, 30hours no sleep because my body can't handle stress in any capacity and is now throwing a full blown tantrum.
There's not much of a point to this post. I'm not aiming to garner sympathy or pity. I just needed to talk about it even if no one sees it. I don't like to talk about my issues to people close to me, I don't like to complain. Sometimes, it's easier to let these things out when I'm hiding behind a fake name and a fake face.
#tw: death#death#family death#loss of a loved one#tw: abuse#abuse#tw: child abuse#child abuse#its hinted at least#ill cover all my bases#im like three minutes from a full breakdown#im so tired#not just physically#im tired emotionally and mentally too#just#utterly drained#i really am not looking for pity or sympathy#this isnt even the first death in my life#but it was the most important one#he....was so much to me#honestly most of the time i think he was the only adult in my life that actually loved ME for who i was#he was my safe person i trusted him wo much even when i had been trained by my family's behavior to never trust anyone#he was so good and kind and genuine and wonderful#and ill never get the chance to speak to him again because hes gone#and ill have to live with the guilt of knowing I put that rift between us. im the reason i never got to say goodbye.#im the reason i didnt know he was dead. and i have to live with the guilt of knowing if i was given a second chance id do it all over again#because at the end of the day im always going to value my own mental and physical health over anything else. and thats not going to change#but fuck if i dont wish i couldve sent him a letter or an email or something. he died not even knowing if i was alive or suffering#he deserved so much more than what i left him with. and ill never get a chance to make it right now.
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Hello beloveds I am back <33
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they should invent a me that isn't exhausted all the time
#not to be a debbie downer but i cannot remember the last time i did not feel utterly drained like right down to my core#even when i'm having fun i still feel just... emptied out#yesterday i crawled under my bed to get something and i couldn't muster the energy to crawl back out so i just lay under my bed for an hour#i really do feel like syphilis rolling his damn rock up the hill :-( goddamn!
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Don't you think I look pretty curled up on this bathroom floor?
#when I had the idea for this drawing it was about overcomig/living in spite of mental illness#mainly depression#However#while sketching I started to feel a weird nostalgia for all the nights I did spend on the bathroom floor utterly powerless#hopeless#This sinking pit of sadness in my stomach#that can't quite be described#that is always on the brink of consuming you#truly and fully#That drains the world of all it's color and drops you into a sea of uncertainty from which you can't quite escape#but that you also won't fully drown in#Endlessly suspended in a state of unbreathing but still alive#I haven't had a night like that in a while#If you do know that you are not alone and these nights too will pass.#I copied the text I wrote on instagram I hope that is okay#drawing perspective oof#illustration#art#self portrait#procreate#vent art#overcoming depression#the amazing devil lyrics#personal art
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light of kshahrewar ✨
#genshin impact#kaveh#genshin kaveh#genshin fanart#stuff and things#userpharawee#sorry for the absence and lack of. well. anything really#I swear I'm still here it's just#I am once again stuck in capitalist Hell over the summer so my creativity is being drained one customer at a time#and oh my god there are sO MANY CUSTOMERS#it's only been a few weeks and I'm already utterly exhausted lol#but I finally managed to get some doodling in after not drawing for what feels like forever T_T#it's not much and it's not what most of you are here for but it is what it is
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ok who woke the bear
#ouroboros-if#interactive fiction#yor/yana#I did not feel like writing today so :slams this on your desk: here you go. tiddies.#if you are wonderig why im not answering asks currently: im back to work and it takes me some time to adjust/leaves me utterly drained#usually doesn't last too long#i have some asks I *need* to share they are so good but im so incoherent hsjdhdjdjfhf. clutching them to my chest for now sory#i hope this old man will tide you over
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I think people need to realize that Killua and Gon are pushed to be the worst versions of themselves during the Chimera Ant arc
#tommybarks#HxH#Yes what Gon did was shitty but also both of them are children who were out in terrible situation after terrible situation#Thanks to all the adults around them failing to protect them!#Gon's rage finally boils over due to the amount of grief he feels at Kite's death#And when Pitou says they can't heal Kite Gon's willingness to even be alive drains out of his body#Meanwhile Killua has become codependent on Gon due to him having zero self worth#At that point he'd rip his heart out if Gon asked him to#A person who's utterly broken and completely hyper focused on their goals and a person who puts that first person on a pedestal and is#Willing to put themselves in harms way to help that person achieve their goals#Yay nightmare situation!!!!!
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So I leave for Disney on the 16th and will be back on the 28th. I will try and do all replies across my blogs and queue them just in case I don’t bring my laptop. I’m always available on discord. If you want it, just message me for it!
#【 𝙊𝙊𝘾.#{ I’ll TRY to get to some replies }#{ been so utterly drained }#{ also we’ve been watching the weather down there }#{ just in case }#{ I’m also a nervous flyer so… }#{ I HATE flying }
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god i don't understand how people can just go out and do things and not be completely and utterly exhausted when they get back
#🔪.text#people really just. do this?#and don't feel like they need to go take an 100 year long nap afterwards?#walking through stores isn't just completely and utterly draining for you guys?#i haven't eaten since this morning either but i am far too exhausted to even fix food#and i don't even really feel hungry#i just want to sleep
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I forget how because I was pretty drunk but last night some guy roped me into a discussion about Israel while we were outside having a smoke. I eventually cut him off (something to the effect of "wwhyyy are we talking about Isssraaael iss New Yearsss!!!!!") and he was decent enough to drop it but man. I'm tired of having these conversations
#atlas entry#talking about Israel with goyim is starting to feel like talking about trans issues with my parents#annoying. risky. utterly draining. and at the same time also somehow voyeuristic#dance little monkey dance! tell me what you think about Zionism!
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love is truly the dumb fuck juice of all time because a man can literally tell you 'i have violent thoughts of harming you' and your ass will be twirling hair and kicking feet like 'but would we kiss after that or?' like
#life#nothing recent lmao just been thinking about my younger self#and how utterly in love i was with someone who didn't have their best intentions with my goofy ass#and i was EATING. IT. ALL. UP.#like sure i was in the absolute depths of depression and ping ponged from one suicidal thought to another#and at times those feelings were about the only thing keeping me from jumping off the 16th floor of my dorm building#but then again when he abandoned me like a wet dog on the side of the road#i uh.. almost killed myself yaknow.. maybe it was NOT worth it in the long run lmao#i lived bitch.jpg#but yeah nah just looking back at all that in retrospect and it's truly truly wild as shit how utterly in love my ass was#talking about that suicidio attempt i actually ended up writing about it because it was almost comical how i survived#when your darkest demons crawl out of the shower drain to roast you into living mi amore <3#it helped me process the whole thing when i was in a much better place mentally#and i read it to my writing group with a bunch of people different ages different walks of life it was a great experience#suicide mention cw
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Happy thanksgiving everyone!!!
I had a very, very long day today, so I’m not tagging anyone, but if you see this, I wish you the happiest Thanksgiving!
To all my wonderful friends and mutuals here, thank you guys. Y’all are awesome people :)
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hmm i think i am not coping. very well
#i feel like ive hit a wall in my ability to handle anything and idk how to hold myself together anymore#i see myself spiraling terribly but i am so exhausted in every single way that i cannot bring myself to care#and it’s going to kill me one day but i cant even care abt that#july was so horrible. so so bad it’s the worst month ive had since my dad’s passing#i feel so incredibly empty and stagnant and stuck i feel like i am in a tar pit and ive been here before#but i no longer have the strength to claw myself out of it#nor the support of others (irl i love u mutuals)#i quite literally only have my brother at this point and with how physically abusive he can become it’s not like that’s a relationship i#truly feel supported and safe in but it’s all i have#ive always been isolated severely by my family + the Issues have always made socialization so exhausting#i feel like im just floating and no one knows me nor cares bc how can they. i either just push people away to avoid getting hurt or i dont e#even try. and when i want to it’s a task so daunting and draining#i don’t have it in me despite knowing the lack of human connection is absolutely destroying me and ripping me to shreds#despite knowing a community of some kind would help#but i also feel like i offer fucking nothing and am worthless so would i even accept the help given to me. probably not#i wish i wasnt so intense of a person in every single way. and yet i will never be enough either#i feel like ive been clinging and digging my claws into my sanity that was not really present in the first place#ive been put through so much i couldnt cope with so repeatedly and so young i think by the time i wqs 10 i had already hit a wall but you#cant just stop living so it’s only compounded on top of that#it feels unhealable it feels like just part of me now.#i see a complete absence of a future for myself and i have no one to stay alive for anymore#not my parents not my pets not my friends and i dont know how to stay alive for myself bc it’s not something ive ever wanted#idk anymore. ive never felt so utterly lost and alone and broken lmao.#no wonder this relapse has been so all-consuming#dlt ltr
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Something really bothers me about these remarks, as it’s a reference to the Soviet regime’s arrest-and-relocation (to Siberia, for... slave-labour). The point of concern is- we know this was a regime notorious for its extreme surveillance, where even so much as talking the ‘wrong way’ would have you whisked away in the dead of night never to be seen again
There are times when Ouma talks about being the ‘head of an organisation that controls the world’, but he also mentions being on the run within that world, and his actions in the game show that he’s extremely good at the hiding in particular. But the cherry on the cake-
-is how he seemed to gamble on there being tiny surveillance bugs-
-and turned out to be right.
If even the world Ouma lived in was one where things like that existed, what could that have meant for him, as he navigated it?
#kokichi ouma#dr psychology#Freetime Event#well this is utterly terrifying#it's really hard to get a perspective of this but it's so super unnerving I have to share#surveillance ///#slavery ///#for the mention#checkered seer#yey to fixate on a single post once again#it ended up draining time rifp#*edit- I didnt literally mean that in the scare quotes hsdghdfkghdfj
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I am in one of my moods where I comprehend the scope of every horrible thing that can happen to me and then realize how many of them are entirely possible because people are shit and I live in a place I barely tolerate and regret not spitting on when I moved to Georgia
#i never should have come back#Georgia aint perfect#but at least id be watching my safety spiral down the drain from my own bed#at least I'd be able to break down in my own bathroom behind doors that lock#at least id come to accept how utterly fucking vile men are capable of being from the safety of my own home#instead im sitting on the cold floor of a shitty dorm with wimdows too high to ser out of and constant mold in the bathroom#im staring at white painted cinderblock and a broken desk#i hate everything around and about me#but i wish i could hate it all from somewhere that is mine#my post
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i can't sleep...
#you know how waw ego cost like 35 sp#which is well too huge of a cost especially if the ego and the id is positive coin#you know how the Bind ego only cost 10 sp but it consume 10-8 sp for the next 3 turn#so that waw ego are more usable by lowering its sp cost on use but in total it still cost more or less the same#wtihout having to make another waw ego with sp heal#imagine that the aleph ego sp cost are so high that 45 sp sinner get instantly corroded just from overclocking it#which isn't really ideal#so what i want to say is for limbus' first aleph must have some drawback to justify lower sp cost however utterly broken enough that it#deserve its aleph risk level#some shit like mosb that would drain every unit including ally's health#melting love that would mark one ally and continuously drain sp from them#blue star that would drive everyone mad#fucking silent orchestra that will have different effect based on number of turn since the ego was started#and on the very last act it will set everyone's sp to -45
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