#utterly drained
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I was in a car for 14 hours because, if anyone is unaware, I recently became aware of the fact that the man who was my father in everything but blood passed away in 2020. I am NC with that side of the family, and for my own physical and emotional safety, I had to cut everyone off. I couldn't chance reaching out and leaving a trail for my abusersers to follow. Not when I already had to change my number three times and move four times just to ensure they couldn't find me.
That didn't mean I couldn't visit his grave, though, and I did. It was. Hard. Seeing his grave made it real. Up until that point, I could tell myself it was a trick or it was the wrong man, until I saw that grave.
But, I spent 14 hours in a car, had to see the grave of someone I loved. Perhaps the only family member on that side I still loved at all. And now I'm once more stuck in insomnia. It's been, 30hours no sleep because my body can't handle stress in any capacity and is now throwing a full blown tantrum.
There's not much of a point to this post. I'm not aiming to garner sympathy or pity. I just needed to talk about it even if no one sees it. I don't like to talk about my issues to people close to me, I don't like to complain. Sometimes, it's easier to let these things out when I'm hiding behind a fake name and a fake face.
#tw: death#death#family death#loss of a loved one#tw: abuse#abuse#tw: child abuse#child abuse#its hinted at least#ill cover all my bases#im like three minutes from a full breakdown#im so tired#not just physically#im tired emotionally and mentally too#just#utterly drained#i really am not looking for pity or sympathy#this isnt even the first death in my life#but it was the most important one#he....was so much to me#honestly most of the time i think he was the only adult in my life that actually loved ME for who i was#he was my safe person i trusted him wo much even when i had been trained by my family's behavior to never trust anyone#he was so good and kind and genuine and wonderful#and ill never get the chance to speak to him again because hes gone#and ill have to live with the guilt of knowing I put that rift between us. im the reason i never got to say goodbye.#im the reason i didnt know he was dead. and i have to live with the guilt of knowing if i was given a second chance id do it all over again#because at the end of the day im always going to value my own mental and physical health over anything else. and thats not going to change#but fuck if i dont wish i couldve sent him a letter or an email or something. he died not even knowing if i was alive or suffering#he deserved so much more than what i left him with. and ill never get a chance to make it right now.
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they should invent a me that isn't exhausted all the time
#not to be a debbie downer but i cannot remember the last time i did not feel utterly drained like right down to my core#even when i'm having fun i still feel just... emptied out#yesterday i crawled under my bed to get something and i couldn't muster the energy to crawl back out so i just lay under my bed for an hour#i really do feel like syphilis rolling his damn rock up the hill :-( goddamn!
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light of kshahrewar ✨
#genshin impact#kaveh#genshin kaveh#genshin fanart#stuff and things#userpharawee#sorry for the absence and lack of. well. anything really#I swear I'm still here it's just#I am once again stuck in capitalist Hell over the summer so my creativity is being drained one customer at a time#and oh my god there are sO MANY CUSTOMERS#it's only been a few weeks and I'm already utterly exhausted lol#but I finally managed to get some doodling in after not drawing for what feels like forever T_T#it's not much and it's not what most of you are here for but it is what it is
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Don't you think I look pretty curled up on this bathroom floor?
#when I had the idea for this drawing it was about overcomig/living in spite of mental illness#mainly depression#However#while sketching I started to feel a weird nostalgia for all the nights I did spend on the bathroom floor utterly powerless#hopeless#This sinking pit of sadness in my stomach#that can't quite be described#that is always on the brink of consuming you#truly and fully#That drains the world of all it's color and drops you into a sea of uncertainty from which you can't quite escape#but that you also won't fully drown in#Endlessly suspended in a state of unbreathing but still alive#I haven't had a night like that in a while#If you do know that you are not alone and these nights too will pass.#I copied the text I wrote on instagram I hope that is okay#drawing perspective oof#illustration#art#self portrait#procreate#vent art#overcoming depression#the amazing devil lyrics#personal art
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#ok why did i get completely and utterly drained by typing up my cv.#i literally need to go to sleep now. 💀#text
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currently at That Point which occurs once every few months where one briefly begins pacing around the house teary eyed contemplating selling their own organs or becoming an online scammer or getting on anxiety meds so you can bear the risk taking required to be a hitman or so on and so forth.... why must everything so Expensive... Surely all would be healed in life if only I had one big plate of lasagna and a simple loan of $40,000 ... auoughhh....
#And then you just eventually shrug and go 'welp. nothing i can do i guess' and sad cartoon music plays as you shuffle back to your room#It's just hard with my specific physical and mental issues since it's like.. I couldn't really handle most jobs. I can't handle school. I'm#100% aromantic and asexual so I'll never get married so I can't get money that way. I have too much issues with social cues#+ too nervous temperament + too low energy to put effort into lying and having a fake relationship just for money. so on and so forth etc.#Really I should have just been born into a middle class family. Which I guess everyone says. but ESPECIALLY considering my#chronic conditions kind of hampering my ability to function 'normally' or be Independent in a regular way. I'm always going to be#in some way sort of beholden to the whims of people around me who I must depend on. so... well of course they might as well have been rich#lol like that would have been better for me of course.#AAANyway... Just thinking about another stupid fucking climate change summer... months keep going by so fast.. soon it will be so again#And it's like such SMALL things would make drastic improvements for me. Literally if I just had a place with central AC#then like 75% of my issues with summer would vanish instantly. literally. But instead it's like.. having a cheap hot apartment + only#half functional dinky window ac + my illnesses that make me heat sensitive + living in a part of the country that keeps getting hotter +#inability to leave the house much meaning I can't just go spend time in a cooler place etc. all factors which combine together to make#it just utterly miserable for MONTHS and mentally draining. And literally ALL I would need to fix that is just...#have a place with central AC that works.. (or move to a colder country/area but that also takes money. Or just not have illnesses#that make me heat sensitive. but that I can't control). etc. etc. I guess it's just the nature of the constant background frustration of#being part of The Masses under our current manifestation of unmitigated capitalism. Such minor details would make such huge#quality of life improvements and yet will remain ever out of reach. ONE little thing could change your whole life but you can't even have#that. so many 'If only' scenarios. etc. And of course obviously I am incredibly thankful just to have anywhere to live at all. food to eat#. any sort of stability whatsoever no matter how fragile it feels/is. But that still doesn't make it not frustrating occasionally to look#around and see how relatively little would have to change in order for you to be a decent percentage more comfortable and yet#how still far away even those ''small'' seeming goals are. etc. etc.#Seriously think I've been traumatized by the summer or something somehow lol like thinking about it being warm weather eventually#makes me nauseous with panic. It's just SOOO much labor. micromanaging windows and fans and blocking every ounce of light#and not being able to cook (cant even afford a single degree of temp increase due to the stove) for months and barely being able#to sleep for months and the claustrophobia of days on end crawling out of your skin because it doesnt even get cool enough at#night to offer relief so you're just always feeling trapped.. hgrhh...#It starts getting hot here sometimes in May but mostly June then lasts through October now.. thats like half the year almost.. ARghhH#anyway... If any extremely rich person reading this would like to buy me an air conditioned house in exchange for multiple years worth#of art (I will paint murals on all of your grand dining halls and make all the custom sculptures you could ever want etc) then.. hewwo :'3c
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Main gate down. About 6 trees all drunk. 2 ridge tiles smashed on the drive along with about 5 or 6 other slate tiles from the roof. Chimney now needs repointing. One of my daybed cushions has disappeared into the nether, never to be seen again.
But nobody is hurt. Our animals are all safe. Please let this be the end of the 90mph gusts now. I've been awake for 24 hours and cannot take anymore. Also, I don't want to go outside again because it makes my face hurt 😮💨
#roof gets fixed first thing monday morning#i am just utterly drained from it all#anglesey#storm darragh
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I think people need to realize that Killua and Gon are pushed to be the worst versions of themselves during the Chimera Ant arc
#tommybarks#HxH#Yes what Gon did was shitty but also both of them are children who were out in terrible situation after terrible situation#Thanks to all the adults around them failing to protect them!#Gon's rage finally boils over due to the amount of grief he feels at Kite's death#And when Pitou says they can't heal Kite Gon's willingness to even be alive drains out of his body#Meanwhile Killua has become codependent on Gon due to him having zero self worth#At that point he'd rip his heart out if Gon asked him to#A person who's utterly broken and completely hyper focused on their goals and a person who puts that first person on a pedestal and is#Willing to put themselves in harms way to help that person achieve their goals#Yay nightmare situation!!!!!
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So I leave for Disney on the 16th and will be back on the 28th. I will try and do all replies across my blogs and queue them just in case I don’t bring my laptop. I’m always available on discord. If you want it, just message me for it!
#【 𝙊𝙊𝘾.#{ I’ll TRY to get to some replies }#{ been so utterly drained }#{ also we’ve been watching the weather down there }#{ just in case }#{ I’m also a nervous flyer so… }#{ I HATE flying }
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happy new year everyone
my new year's resolution is to matter
#god it has been . quite the year hasn't it#the year we finally saw the end of the slowburn and got to see hideduo get together#but also the year the qsmp went completely and utterly down the drain in the worst way possible#the year i genuinely feel i started to be part of an actual close knit circle of huevitos#but also the year i had some of the worst and most embarrassingly dramatic doubts about how important or cared about i am#the year i completed some of the art i am the most proud of ever#but also the year i had the worst art block and insecurity about my art compared to other peoples'#that's only the online stuff as well#it has been an interesting 12 months#and rocky to say the least#and i can't exactly sit here and say I'm so sure about next year being better#cause I'm not. I'm really really not#but either way#there will always be more adventure; more love; and more life to live waiting for you in the future#don't leave it hanging#happy new year
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god i don't understand how people can just go out and do things and not be completely and utterly exhausted when they get back
#🔪.text#people really just. do this?#and don't feel like they need to go take an 100 year long nap afterwards?#walking through stores isn't just completely and utterly draining for you guys?#i haven't eaten since this morning either but i am far too exhausted to even fix food#and i don't even really feel hungry#i just want to sleep
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I forget how because I was pretty drunk but last night some guy roped me into a discussion about Israel while we were outside having a smoke. I eventually cut him off (something to the effect of "wwhyyy are we talking about Isssraaael iss New Yearsss!!!!!") and he was decent enough to drop it but man. I'm tired of having these conversations
#atlas entry#talking about Israel with goyim is starting to feel like talking about trans issues with my parents#annoying. risky. utterly draining. and at the same time also somehow voyeuristic#dance little monkey dance! tell me what you think about Zionism!
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love is truly the dumb fuck juice of all time because a man can literally tell you 'i have violent thoughts of harming you' and your ass will be twirling hair and kicking feet like 'but would we kiss after that or?' like
#life#nothing recent lmao just been thinking about my younger self#and how utterly in love i was with someone who didn't have their best intentions with my goofy ass#and i was EATING. IT. ALL. UP.#like sure i was in the absolute depths of depression and ping ponged from one suicidal thought to another#and at times those feelings were about the only thing keeping me from jumping off the 16th floor of my dorm building#but then again when he abandoned me like a wet dog on the side of the road#i uh.. almost killed myself yaknow.. maybe it was NOT worth it in the long run lmao#i lived bitch.jpg#but yeah nah just looking back at all that in retrospect and it's truly truly wild as shit how utterly in love my ass was#talking about that suicidio attempt i actually ended up writing about it because it was almost comical how i survived#when your darkest demons crawl out of the shower drain to roast you into living mi amore <3#it helped me process the whole thing when i was in a much better place mentally#and i read it to my writing group with a bunch of people different ages different walks of life it was a great experience#suicide mention cw
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Happy thanksgiving everyone!!!
I had a very, very long day today, so I’m not tagging anyone, but if you see this, I wish you the happiest Thanksgiving!
To all my wonderful friends and mutuals here, thank you guys. Y’all are awesome people :)
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If I had a dollar for every time I've wanted to check out a story because of the submerged animatronic subreddit Id have three dollars.
It would be weird if it happened once but now that it's been three times I think I need to see a doctor.
#The first was the 20k leagues under the sea Disney ride that they left underwater for 10 years and when it got drained a very brave guy#walked thru it and took pictures of all the decayed animatronics#Second was moby dick and the insanely creepy ride they built in the 60s with an 80 foot long animatronic that broke and sunk#they recently got underwater drone footage of that#and now I want to check out Arabian nights/Ali baba cause of another freaky defunct ride#I don't even know if there's a big scary sea serpent in that story but I'm gonna read it and find out#I dunno if I ever would've read Moby dick if I wasn't utterly fascinated with that fucking ride
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hmm i think i am not coping. very well
#i feel like ive hit a wall in my ability to handle anything and idk how to hold myself together anymore#i see myself spiraling terribly but i am so exhausted in every single way that i cannot bring myself to care#and it’s going to kill me one day but i cant even care abt that#july was so horrible. so so bad it’s the worst month ive had since my dad’s passing#i feel so incredibly empty and stagnant and stuck i feel like i am in a tar pit and ive been here before#but i no longer have the strength to claw myself out of it#nor the support of others (irl i love u mutuals)#i quite literally only have my brother at this point and with how physically abusive he can become it’s not like that’s a relationship i#truly feel supported and safe in but it’s all i have#ive always been isolated severely by my family + the Issues have always made socialization so exhausting#i feel like im just floating and no one knows me nor cares bc how can they. i either just push people away to avoid getting hurt or i dont e#even try. and when i want to it’s a task so daunting and draining#i don’t have it in me despite knowing the lack of human connection is absolutely destroying me and ripping me to shreds#despite knowing a community of some kind would help#but i also feel like i offer fucking nothing and am worthless so would i even accept the help given to me. probably not#i wish i wasnt so intense of a person in every single way. and yet i will never be enough either#i feel like ive been clinging and digging my claws into my sanity that was not really present in the first place#ive been put through so much i couldnt cope with so repeatedly and so young i think by the time i wqs 10 i had already hit a wall but you#cant just stop living so it’s only compounded on top of that#it feels unhealable it feels like just part of me now.#i see a complete absence of a future for myself and i have no one to stay alive for anymore#not my parents not my pets not my friends and i dont know how to stay alive for myself bc it’s not something ive ever wanted#idk anymore. ive never felt so utterly lost and alone and broken lmao.#no wonder this relapse has been so all-consuming#dlt ltr
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