#im just yikes about them because of my last experiences

[mellosdrawings]

22

22. Least favorite fanfic trope

Oh dear. Uuuuuuh....

I always remove the Major Character Death content. I read two fics with it and I've cried for a literal hour after each of them and it marked me so much that years later I had to talk about it to my therapist. I'm just too sensitive for that, even though those were two incredibly wonderful fics.

One that makes me yikes... hana-something. The one where the person who doesn't get their feelings reciprocated starts slowly dying because flowers grow inside them. I can't read it without feeling like it puts the guilt on the person who doesn't reciprocate, like "it's your fault if they are dying" just because they don't feel the same attraction. I'm aromantic so it's a guilt that's been shoved in my face far too many times. ("Why don't you give them a chance?" "You're too picky" etc. Just ugh)

I'm also not very fond of the yandere trope. I've muted the tag here.

Thank you for asking o/

[squarebracketsmileyface]

On a totally opposite end of the spectrum from the role swap-

Imagine if after the Promise chapter things flipped. If after that argument The Operator- out of pure animalistic type curiosity- said “ooh lemme stick my fingers in this sauce here” and left Alex alone to latch onto Jay. Its already discovered how it can push and twist and manipulate one person, but what about a completely separate person? Will the results be the same? Different? Will it be easier or harder?

So it latches onto Jay, and Alex experiences a flat out withdrawal from that thing’s influence, followed by the most gut wrenching clarity. Realizing how crazy he went, how he killed his friends to “save” them when it never would have mattered. So two weeks pass, and all he can think about is Jay- talking to him again and telling him everything, being honest and actually fucking admitting that he cares about him, that he wants to make good on his promise and do things right.

But Jay doesn’t answer. Jay is the one who drops off the planet and goes MIA, and Alex has a horrible, sinking suspicion he knows why. He hopes that Jay just finally got sick of him- he HOPES thats all it is- but deep down there’s this creeping suspicion that its not a coincidence. That he passed his own torment on to Jay like some twisted fucking disease-

He finds out he’s right, later on. When he starts working together with Tim(he’s desperate to find Jay, to fix things, even if that means groveling for Tim’s help-), when they start having run ins with Jay where he won’t see reason, where he argues every point they make and tries to convince Alex that everyone has to die, to help him(and wow, did he sound that crazy too? probably, yikes-)

And in the end Alex makes one last desperate attempt. He meets Jay somewhere alone, tries to convince him to come with him, tells him that he loves him-

But Jay doesn’t believe him. He tells Alex as much(“i love you but i can’t trust you- you said it yourself, why would you ever love somebody like me?”) and Alex wants to cry when Jay throws his own awful words back at him, things he never meant to say-

But what destroys him is when Jay takes the gun that he stole from Alex months ago, puts it to his own head and pulls the trigger with a bang right in front of him.

I’m in a dark mood today LMAO we die like tunnel guy

we die like tunnel guy lmaoooo

fucking THIS tho oh my god the ANGST

i literally have nothing else to add really, my brain saw this and turned into angst mush i fucking love this so much. Jay not believing Alex when he says he loves him fucking OW. This is literally fucking perfect. like, actually.

Everyone come look at this and be fucking destroyed by it because OW. it's especially sad because i'm thinking so much about Alex being the one feeling super hurt and stuff in his uni relationship with Jay, because im writing if it ain't broken at the moment. I am in the perfect mindset for just pouring over Jaylex angst with Alex being the one left feeling worst for it.

Honestly though, Alex finally seeing things fully, truly clearly and realising how terrifying and horrible it must have been for Jay to see him the way he was with the Operator in his head, all angry and not seeing sense and arguing every little thing.

withdrawal from the Operator tho, like, actual withdrawals from it could be so interesting. Like, how would that interact with Tim since he's been dealing with the operator since he was a kid presumably. is he fucked either way? like, if he doesnt take his meds he could get withdrawals from them, and if he doesn't take them for a while then goes back on them does he then get withdrawals from the Operator? Or is it different because the Operator isn't in his head the same way it's in Alex's? is just being near it enough? Like second hand smoke?

[merakiui]

Mera ive been rereading your stuff (especially Floyd and Riddle stuff, pls i love how you write for them), recently at work i think male customers just decided giving a twenty year old girl who literally can't leave the area love letters is a swell idea (and thus forcing me to reject them in front of a bunch of other customers too yikes) , because it keeps happening, so im glad to forget about it with your fics, it always cheer me up after those awkward, uncomfortable encounters, really appreciate snd love your writing! Thanks!

Thank you for reading and enjoying my work (and liking how I write Floyd and Riddle hehe)!!! I’m happy it can cheer you up after those occurrences! It cheers me up as well!!! ( ´▽｀)

Aaaa but those situations are really so awkward… I know exactly how you feel. I have had too many uncomfortable experiences like that, so I sympathize with your predicament. I once worked with a coworker who continued to pester me for a date and said the strangest, creepiest things to me. It was also very obvious he only wanted to have sex, and I'm only there to work and collect my paychecks. But it was a little satisfying when that guy quit work after I told him, "I have no interest in you, and if you were the last man on this planet I would still not go on a date with you."

There was another instance where a customer (who was much, much older than me) said he wanted to make me his wife. ;;;;;;;;; it was so shocking my customer service smile faltered so terribly. It was not a line I was expecting to hear. Thankfully, I can laugh about it with my coworkers and we can all agree that these moments are incredibly weird. ^^;;;;

[sparkbugs]

My liveblog reaction post for JRWI Riptide 114! :3 SPOILERS AHEAD if that wasn’t obvious.

I completely forgot. About the bastion/stronghold. IF THEY LEAVE THE SHIP THEY LOSE THE TELEPORTER.

Haha! Ha. Wowie this is extremely stressful to start a session Jesus Christ. Pls get good perception AGGG. The laughter but it’s so stress LMAOOO AAAA

If anyone dies this episode! Haha.

How is this all 10 mins into the episode it’s just a terrible chase scene I am so. Aughhh

THANK GOD TBEY GOT TO THE DOCKS. BUT IS THE SHIP OKAY. if the ship fucking denigrates they lose their teleporter man they need that to get home if anything haha! Aggghghsh

The fucking. Fish shoes. Also PORTABLE HOLE LMAOOO

Gryffon :( my boy protect the ship my guy ily

Godddd because of the title I’m so fucking sure there’s stuff about Jay’s family here. I’m so sure there’s lots of things here but it’s so not safe.

Darkness lets gooo… oh.. that audio… ohhhhggg ahhdnjs oh goddddd

“Hello..?” *unimaginable horror response in a roar*

HOW HAS IT ONLY BEEN 25 MINS THERE ARE UNIMAGINABLE HORRORS THIS IS TERRIFYING

Portable holeeeee that’s a smart play, but that’s terrifying to think bout the helmet

“GUYS YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS” “what is it gill?” “Stairs!” “… that’s a ladder gill-“ I love them so much

More unimaginable horror sounds! Oh boy! This is. It’s been 30 fucking minutes.

Oh yucky.. skin… Jesus.. oh noooogghdjhdns

ITS GONE?!?!? WHERE THE FUCK DID IT GO.

THIS IS NOT THE FUCKING TIME TO BE ARGUINGGGG AAAAGGGG

I hate this so fucking much actually

The bit shoes.. Charlie please

We have made it 40 mins in let’s goooo haha. Ha!

A GLHYPHHJDHHSHS JAY NO WHAT HEY. FIREEE????? 37 POINTS HOLYYYY FUCKKKKK

HAHSJFHSJAIDJSUHWKS CREATURES THEYRE HERE AND THEYRE ANGRY

Haha it’s all fine now. Also the fucking bones aren’t real??? What. HAHAHAHAJGSIW UH OH BIZLY PLEASSEE

LMAOOO HAHAGGGSHDA THE PARANOIA IS SO FUCKING REAL

HAHSHSHSHA THE FUCKING MICROCHIPS IN THE WATER NOO STOP FUCKIN WITH GILL LMAO

Almost an hour in!! Woooooo! No ones dead thank fucking god

Thank god Chip please make sure no one dies thank u skelly man <3

Floor threeeee baybeee surely nothing happens here. :)

There’s someone waiting for themmmmm hahaha

“Jay can you do me a flavor right now?”

AHAHSHSHSHA WHATTTT WDYMMMM EVERYTHING GULLIOKFNXUSHSO GILLION NOOOOOO WHAT THE FUCKSHAIABA also the last quote being Gillion’s last words man. Yikes

Where is my boy where is my boy where is my boy. IS THAT HIS FUCKING SKIN

ITS HIS FUCKING SKINH IM SO MOT OKAY WHWRE IS MY BOY WHEFE IS HE. GIVE HIM BACK THEY JUST GOT HIM VACK

Haha. I’m fine :) I’m gonna ignore that for now haha cause why. Would that be an issue :)

I’m so worried about him actually. Bring him back

THEY WERE FUCKING EXPERIMENTING ON THE ICHOR. I KNEW IT BUT GOD THE CONFIRMATION IS. UGHHHGHDJSK yea this is such a navy thing to do. Yuck

Oh my god they didn’t see what skin the trition in the ground was. What if that was Edyn. Oh I’m so unwell.

GODDD THEYRE USING THE LEVIATHAN AND THE FUCKING ICHOR AS A SUPER WEAPON. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE NAVY.

NOT EVEN HALFWAY THROUGH THE EPISODE YET WHAT THE FUCKKKKKK

Chip is so me I would totally. Grab bone pieces. EWWWW WHY MORE SKIN GROSS HOW MANY PEOPLE DID THEY FUCKING KILL

DEATHWARD SAVED THIS MAN PLEASE STAY MY GUY I LOVE YOU. this man is being crucified.. oh my god,,

Holy shit.. Kuba kenta :o is that u bitch

ITS HIMMMM HOLYYYY SHITTYTTT HAHSHSHSHAHA he’s such a bastard but also such a good villain… godddddd he’s just a fluffy guy :3

Mmmmmm machineeeeee

Giving me The Core from Amphibia vibes. This is fucking TERRIFYING. I MEAN I WAS RIGHT HERE CAUSE GILLION WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. PLEASE. GILLION WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT. WHY DID YOU SIT IN THE CHAIR

WHWIDUDISHWJDJEIEJAIWHDIRJE GILLION. WHAT THE FUCK. Oh

Oh my god. 0 initiative. Oh my god Gillion please

“I would like to touch myself… and say- there’s more wait” PLEASEEE CHARLIEEE LMAOOOO

AWAAA RUN GILLION RUNNNNNN

“Oh my god, Gillion’s not fast.” HES RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE RIGHT NOW SO MAYBE HE IS??

It’s totally him right. YEA it’s Gilly :) why hasn’t he told them about Kuba Kenta.

Aughhhhghhfjskb CONDI?!??? LMAOOOO

Why. Are you. I. I despise them so much.

FIREWALL AUGHHGH NOT AGAIN

“CHEEBO” the rest of chips skin is fucking burnt off Jesus Christ

.. oh fuck. There’s more people going in????? It better not be the rest of the crew. INVISIBLITY WENT DOWN IGHDHDHSJS

Bones… gill I’m so sorry man :(

CHIP STOP BEING LIKE THAT YOU LOVE THEM. You love them. They you’re besties.

NATURAL 1 BUT IGS A FUCKING 23 WHAT THE HELLLLLL

Aughhhhhhhh paijnnnm pleaseeee surely nothing goes wrong mannnn what the hell

… conch shell time haha uh oh surelyyyy this will be fine

Jay my beloved <3 you got this girl

AAAA Grandma Ferin… SHES FUCKING CRAZY HOLY SHIT. Vault… time.. oh no. Woahhhh wonder. If that’s the true prophecy in there

CONDI DEAFENED AUGSJHSJGA WHATTT NO BRING HIM BACK OH FUCK

Haha they’re trapping themselves in this room. Uh oh.

OH. GILLION. OH NO. OH NOOO WHAT. HELLO. HEY. Uh oh. Hey. WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKK WHAT IS GOING ON

WHERE IS MY FISH MAN WHERE IS HE WHERE IS HE

THE HORRORS ARE THERE THE HORRORS. THATS WBY HE DIDNT TELL ABLUT KUBA KENTA OH MY GOD

…

The sword. Thank god.

PELASEEEE DONT LET ANY OF TJEM DIE OM GONIFNIBSJA GILLIONS GOING GO SAVE HIS FRIEND HES FOINF AS FAST AS HE VAN

JAY PLEASE GO HELP PLEASE FUCKKKK ING HELL

Ichor creature. Godddddd

I don’t even have words this is just combat that’s terrible and I hate it

Aughhdhxhsishdjsn man. People have been so right about how this episode is Bad bad. Like. Wow.

2 and half hours in. Pain and suffering. Please don’t let Chip die again. Charlie did really fucking good playing his doppelgänger without breaking that’s insane.

Gillion’s yelling at each other would be so much funnier if it wasn’t. A life or death situation

CHARLIE SALUTING IM SO UPSET PLEASSESS LET THEM LIVE

YEAHAHAHAHDHDHS GET HIS ASS JAY

HAHA HEY.

HOW ARE THEY TYING IM GONNA CRYYYY

HE WCJDJDSHS HE DID IT HE FUCKING DID IT OM GONAN THROW UP OHHHHGG MU GOD

GILLIONS STUFF FUCKKKKING WAITAAGGG

HAHAHDHSGWGE KUBA KENTA MENTION.

Oh. He’s. Opening. Kubas cage. Gillion. Hey.

Haha they have to go back UP?!? Well. Riptide pirates, it was nice knowing you.

Chip. Can’t be healed I am so upset. Also I feel like the creatures are just going to escape. And Kuba Kenta is going to be Right There.

Dopplegilly you bitch ass mother fucker give my boy back his stuff

WHDIXHSIDHS THEY PUT HIM IN THE HOLE??? Well. I mean. Go off

I hope they don’t fucking fall into the lava. Like seriously after all that.

Well. Gillion. Please let this man get his stuff. WALL OF WATER THANK GODDDD

How is there a half hour left.

HE HAS MISTY STEP. CHARLIE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU

I am so. AUEGUESHS THE LIFE DEBT OF DOPPELGILLY GOINF BACK INTK THE HOLE PLEASE LMAOOOO WHAT IS THIS

Please get out of here please just get the ship off the island oh my god

So much murderrr please go n get them and get out im so ahdichdiebz

oh . The fucking. Turrets. LMFAO COUNTER SPELL THE FUCKING ASS TURRETS JDDIDBKS

THE FUCKCONF DECK IM GONNA LOSE IT PLEASE. DONT LET HIM DO THAT PLEASE

WHY NOT JUST FUCKING THROW THE DECK OF CARDS UP. WHY. I’m gonna.

THE IDIOT CARD. OH MY GODDD HAHAHDJDHAUA 3 INTELLIGENCE IM SOGONGNDHSBA

THE VOID. LMAOOOO HES FUCKING GONE THANK GOD. Anyways the TURRETS.

THEY FUCKING DID IT LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOOO

Well. That was. An episode. Well. I can see why everyone was freaking out about it LMAO THEYRE ALIVE THOUGH LETS GOOOO RIPTIDE PIRATES

[justajsworkshop]

i’ve had this realization for awhile, but everything in my life, everything i’ve experienced was my doing. everything i’ve wanted— committed or just unserious, silly desires, i’ve gotten. the good and the bad. and yet i doubt myself now??! every kind of person i longed to be ive blossomed into. every experience, friend, terror, i’ve received wholly. wtffrf😭 how do i deal with this crippling fact that i’ve gotten everything i’ve desired?! honestly i’d wish to divulge but i’m shy, and i would just be listing off my entire life anywayy. have you also gotten everything you’ve (once) desired? kinda spooky!! happy november <3

you know, now that you phrase it this way, yes. I’ve gotten everything i’ve chosen for myself; i’ll put it that way—for better or for worse.

i was thinking about how i used to be so healthy, and that took a nose dive in the past couple of years, and it’s only because i started perceiving myself in ill health. i’ve made massive improvements since discovering the law though.

one interesting manifestation i’ve noticed recently is that my teeth are fully aligned again. i had heinous tmj, and went to a specialist (before i discovered the law), and they got me almost aligned, but it was gonna cost me so much more to get my teeth fully straightened out, and i just went with good enough is good enough. but i just noticed last night how much better my teeth are?? and i affirm whenever i remember that they’re perfect and great and so is my jaw. it feels like it kinda came out of no where though. 😂 the less i try, the easier and faster i manifest. that’s the truth i’m working on fully accepting and living by rn.

another one in the less than favorable direction is when i heard someone talking about quitting their job on the spot, i said to myself internally “god i wish i could do that.” and this was me KNOWING about the law. well, lo and behold, days later, an innocuous call on my calendar with my “boss” (client, i was a contractor) turned into 2 hours of him berating me and basically telling me im worthless lmao. and i knew instantly i manifested it because id been dying to get out of there anyway. yikes, was not how i wanted to go about it though. i aaalmost quit on the spot, but ended up leaving a week later.

it was literally one thought lmao. but that’s when “forgive them, father. they do not know what they do” made sense because i couldn’t even be mad at the guy for being such an asshole since i decided thats who he would become, the type of person who would make me want to quit on the spot.

but yes, i def get what you’re saying. it can feel like a lot at times, but it’s also really freeing to see how much control you have. so it’s not like you have fight for it. you just have to increase your awareness of that which is already yours, total autonomy over the reality you create and experience.

[banana-pancake5]

Hmmmmm I wanna ask questions but idk where to start (that being said feel free to give me anything else you have, any fleeting thoughts or the like)

BUT DID FRIDA EVER HAVE ANY SUSPICIONS ABOUT THE YUREI AT ALL LIKE WAS THERE ANY MOMENT OF “hmmmm, that’s vaguely familiar but idk why” I CANT REMEMBER IF YOU SAID DEFINITELY WHETHER THEY EVER HAD ANY CONTACT BUT IM IMAGINING THEM BOTH SEPARATELY HAVING THEIR LAST HOPE OF EACH OTHER, FOR EXAMPLE VITAS LAST MOMENTS BEFORE GOING COOKOO ARE JUST SAD TIMES BC SISTER AND FRIDA JUST WISHES FOR HER SISTER ONE LAST TIME BEFORE GIVING IP HOPE AND IM JUST IMAGINING ARTISTIC PARALLELS WITH THEM BOTH FAR AWAY FROM EACH OTHER FEELING THE SAME STUFF (im a bit of a sucker for parallels i think) YEAH IDK WHERE THIS IS GOING BUT YOU ARE MAKING ME FEEL THINGS

Heads up this is basically a live brainstorm. I’m literally writing what comes to my head in the moment and derailing myself many times (this top sentence I’m writing half way through writing everything else below it)

AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH YESSSSSS OH I LOVE IT

To actually answer it more in depth, it’s a yes and no kinda? Frida has no hope that Vita is alive— OH WAIT OHNO WAIT IDEAS OKAY I INTERRUPT THIS TRAIN OF THOUGH WITH A SUDDEN IDEA

Okay okay okay what if —hear me out— before Frida begins running the Nexus she hunts down any surviving Foot Clan members as a solo mission type thingy. Through this she finds out —AHHHH THOUGHTS— that Vita was lost to the prison dimension (she just thought Vita was lost in some experiment she didn’t know the details.) after that she DOES have the hope that Vita is alive. She has this small twisted strand of hope that Vita survived all those years trapped and she searches. She goes off and searches for months for her sister and… well I have conflicting ideas… either she does find Yūrei —OH YESYESYEYESY NDIWXJNIJNE—

Okay ALRIGHT. Frida is on this long search for her sister. She’s been searching for months with no sign of anything. She’s on her way back, that small strand of hope finally snapped, but she is attacked by a hoard of Krang hounds, or a Krang mech. While running or fighting she falls with her head slamming against a rock. Her visions is blurry and she’s drifting between states of consciousness. Then Yūrei appears. Frida should be terrified but… she feels oddly safe. She doesn’t make the connection it’s her sister because she believes her sister is long dead, even if she had escaped. Then. Frida loses consciousness completely. When she wakes up she’s in a cave. There’s a fire lit beside her with Yūrei roasting something above it. Yūrei’s Krang mask is set down by the fire. She sat staring at the fire with a wide smile spread across her face. She stifled a few giggles with a hand to her mouth. When Frida stirred slightly Yūreis smile dropped into a scowl as her head whipped toward her. Her vibrant krangified eyes met with Frida’s frightful gaze. Then before Frida could blink Yūrei took her mask off the floor and dashed away. Frida didn’t recognize her as Vita but felt a strange connection. She didn’t get a good look at her but if she had she would have known in an instant. After that interaction Frida started back up the Hotel and in the back of her mind hoped that Yūrei would stumble upon it. She wanted to feel that connection again. She wanted to know why she felt it.

AH OKAY SO UH YEAH.

OH OH OH!! And when Vita sat there smiling at the fire it was because of the feeling that stranger (Frida) gave her. It made her feel warm and fuzzy and she couldn’t place it. It felt so right to be beside Frida. She felt an almost primal urge to protect Frida with her life. But her other instincts were screaming at her to get away. That it was dangerous. So she fled, in fear.

OKAY YIKES THIS HAS GOTTEN LONGER THAN INTENDED BUT I HAVE MORE MISCELLANEOUS THOUGHTS I WANNA SHARE

OOOOOOKKKKKKAAAAAYYYYYYY

Perhaps at one point Vita met Leo???? Similar to the situation above but when Leo is on a mission WITH BABY CASEY she comes and saves him from what would be a fatal blow. Leo doesn’t stick around but as he runs off with Jr. he hears her manic laugh and recognizes it as Yūrei. But, when he shares the tail with his brothers they don’t believe him. It’s a “Boy who cried wolf” scenario. I imagine Leo would love to try and scare his brothers with false stories of meeting Yūrei.

OKAY JADE IM DONE. BUT LIKE DUSHNCDSJHNCDSJISN I LOVE THAT PARALLEL SO MUCH YESYESYESYES!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH IM DYING. I WOULD LOVE MORE QUESTIONS OR LIL THOUGHTS LIKE THIS (if you have any or want to send em ^-^) BC BOY OH DOES IT MAKE ME THINK.

[firelord-frowny]

yall these last several days have been THE! WORST!!!!

or idk, not the worst lmao i tend to try to save catastrophic language for actual catastrophes these days and since nobody is dead or maimed, i guess "really really sucked" is the better way to describe it.

but anyway. it really really sucked so bad that i dont even feel like properly ranting about it, so here's a bulleted list of the suckage. -Had (probably) the flu for like two weeks. Missed two weeks of volunteering and one week of work. -Felt better! Volunteered. Went to work. -Throat got sore in the middle of the night. like i literally FELT it get sore in real time. felt it swell. -Sore throat morphed to include an ear ache. -Also felt nauseous several times throughout the day. -went with my mom to go pick up groceries and also one single item to hopefully expedite my recovery (those lil emergen-c supplement drink packets) and somehow wound up getting yelled at about what an inconvenience it is to ~have~ to make a 20 minute round trip to pick up groceries that included something for me🙃 i literally would have just done an instacart order like i usually do but we already needed groceries and that is the only reason i put it in the grocery order so i guess that somehow means that its My Fault the household needed groceries and i guess a 20 minute trip is the worst fucking thing a person can be bothered to do on a sunday afternoon. i mean nevermind the asparagus and the yellow squash and the cornbread mix and the condensed milk and the walnuts and the clam strips and the bananas and the whole grain cereal and the canned vegetables and the frozen berries and all the other shit that aint have JACK to do with me, bc my vitamin c supplement made all of that moot and the sole reason for going to get groceries was because im a needy piece of shit whose better off idk dying of meningitis or soemthing, idfk.

-had a virtual ~urgent care~ visit. got prescribed antibiotics for what's probably a sinus infection gone nuclear. that was yesterday.

-today! throat still hurt like a bitch. couldn't really eat or drink much but I had an apple and some water before taking a dose of ibuprofen.

-went to work. started getting a migraine on the way. benadryl often takes the edge off of my migraines so my dad (who was giving me a ride to work) agreed to swing by a store and pick some up after dropping me off at work, and then swing back and bring me the meds.

-HOWEVER! you know what the first thing i did upon pulling into the parking lot at work was?

-puke. A LOT. big ol pile of puke in the parking lot. disgusting.

-called the front desk and let them know that i in fact made it to work but that i just vomited my guts out in the parking lot and should probably go home. they were like, "yikes, yeah, definitely go home, please feel better soon" and canceled all my students for the day. I'm Extra Upset by this bit because 2 of my students have missed a lot of lessons recently (one because they were on vacation, another because there were no lessons on 4th of july, another because a different student canceled, and one because i was sick) and i really really really want to keep as much consistency as possible both for the student's progression, and for increasing my chances that they'll keep me as a teacher. and i also had one new adult student that i saw for the first time last week and am super bummed that i already had to throw a wrench in his new experience learning an instrument.

anyway,

-throat was still hurting like a BITCH and i obviously needed to eat and drink especially since i THREW THE HELL UP EARLIER so i made another virtual urgent care appointment.

-got through the entire intake process as far as submitting all the forms. all that was left was for someone to call me and confirm all the info.

-i get the call! confirm the info! the lady says she'll send me a link to the visit as soon as we hang up.

-BUT THEN she asks me if i'd had a virtual visit the day before for the same reason, and i said yeah! and then she says! that i can't have a virtual visit because blah blah blah they cant do telehealth appointments for one patient for the same reason in less than 7 days! which like! ok i guess but PERHAPS THAT COULD HAVE BEEN POINTED OUT WHEN I SELECTED THE REASON IN THE INTAKE FORMS 15 MINUTES AGO???

-but whatever! okay fine! so i made an appointment for the in person clinic and was able to be seen relatively quickly.

-everybody was super nice (literally all of the medical people i've dealt with over the last two days have been super nice) and one of the desk ladies told me i have a "really sweet voice" and that made me Happyyyy and so i told her how happy it made me and that it meant an extra lot because i used to have a violin teacher who would tell me my voice was annoying and the lady was like "omg wtf" and i was like "i know right? i was like 13" and she's like "daaaaang wtf!' and im like RIGHT???

-even though i was able to be seen relatively quickly it still took kind of a long time for the nurse practitioner herself to get to me, but once she did, it was smooth sailing from there. covid, flu, and strep tests were negative. prescribed me prednisone for the sore throat. took my first dose in the clinic. picking up the rest of it from a pharmacy tomorrow.

-its now 3am as i type this and my throat is feeling significantly better. took my 3rd dose of antibiotics earlier tonight, along with some tylenol, since apparently ibuprofen can have some reactions with prednisone, and since my throat at that moment was still pretty sore. but i think by now i can finally EAT SOMETHING so thats what imma do, and then imma *samuel l jackson voice* Go The Fuck To Sleep.

[sco07ut]

bbc ghosts,,,, i love u,,,,,

ok ok so my mum n i finally finished watching ghosts and i’m completely insane so erm. rvb ghosts au

carolina is alison (funny) and wash is mike (i don’t ship carwash, in this au im imagining they’re sibs just living together bc the economy’s fucked yk how it is) they inherited the house from their estranged dad, dr leonard church and after a near death experience carolina gains the ability to see ghosts

delano house (ok . if i was going by Actual logic with the character assignments it would Technically be called gene house but i don’t think he deserves that much credit, and i’ll explain this when i get onto simmons little introductory section) is inhabited by eight main ghosts (and a plague pit of zealots in the basement but dw about those guys) from a bunch of different time periods and they all sort of hatelove each other bc none of them can leave (unless they, by some miracle, ascend) so they kind of jst endure each others’ presence

anyway, without further ado: caboose is kitty (georgian noble), simmons is thomas thorne (victorian poet), tucker is julian fawcett (modern day mp), donut is stephanie button (edwardian noble), doc is patrick butcher (1980’s scout leader), sarge as the captain (ww2 captain), grif as mary (stuart era witch trial victim), lopez as humphrey bone (tudor noble) and locus as robin (caveman)

(more in-depth character stuff under the cut !!)

caboose:

caboose as kitty! i jst think their characters align really nicely, they’re both loveable idiots who follow their best friends around. i def think carolina reminds him of church (who is annie in this au who basically ascends a few hundred years before carolina is even born) so he follows her around like a miserable little duckling. the ‘sister’ that bullied him is fuckign miller from rat’s nest

simmons:

this pathetic worm is thomas !! he isn’t in love with carolina the way thomas is in love with allison, instead he sees carolina kinda like a big sister figure and always asks her for dating advice. his backstory is where things r interesting tho i think. in the show, thomas is in love with a woman called isabel, however her father is against the two of them being together, so when he attends an event where isabel is also present he wants to converse with her to make sure the two of them are still secretly an item but can’t find the opportunity to do so. his cousin, francis button, offers to deliver a letter to isabel with his feelings but backstabs him by faking the letters (saying they basically don’t love each other anymore) then tricks thomas into engaging in a duel that gets him killed (he then also denies thomas’ last request to see isabel by telling her he’s already dead). yikes. anyway. in this au, gene is francis button, and instead of simmons being in love with some woman he hears some guys slandering his own dad’s name (hargrove) and engages in a duel with them over it. the reality behind the situation, however, is that gene essentially orchestrated his death. the people he ‘heard’ talking shit abt his dad weren’t actually, gene jsut told him they were. when he then begins the duel, gene tells him it’s 20 paces when in actuality it’s only 10. once simmons is shot and requests to see his father one last time gene pretends to go do that but actually tells hargrove that simmons was dead when he got to him

okay !! so i mentioned that delano house should technically be called gene house if we were to go by the show’s lore. once francis tells isabel that thomas is dead, he then essentially woos her and marries her, moving into her home and which then becomes button house. so in the au ig it would technically be called gene house however i don’t rock w that because it would then later mean donut is called franklin delano gene which is wrong on so many levels. so instead, gene just takes the existing name of the house, delano. yk i’ve just typed all this up and realised that i’m probably the sole person in the world who actually cares about it. darn

finally moving on, tucker!

self explanatory, julian dies in the middle of shagging someone and is now doomed to spend the rest of eternity wandering round with no pants on. it’s so ridiculously in character. plus ig the whole ‘being able to interact wit the real world’ thing ties into tucker’s whole main character schtick

donut:

the lady of the house ! in life his mother, chrovos, was very insistent about marrying him off to a richer family to try make up for all their debt but all he wanted to do was become a famous fashion designer. maybe if his mother had let him follow that passion he might’ve made a brand famous enough to claw them out of debt but instead he got an early death from an adulterous husband (genkins)

doc:

pat my absolute beloved. he had taken out a group of kids (the ai) to the house’s grounds for a day of archery, however while going through the safety protocols o’malley accidentally let an arrow loose that got him straight through the neck. he then managed to traumatise the entire group by dying slowly in front of them ❤️

sarge:

again another character that’s just a perfect match, sarge doesn’t have a name, the captain doesn’t have a name, they’re both obsessed with a war that’s long gone, they’re both fruity asf. not even joking, the lieutenant that the captain has a crush on is one butch flowers in this au, sarge misses him but has started to find a new object of affection in wash (despite the fact that wash cannot see, hear or interact with him at all)

grif:

burned at the stake for being a witch ! in reality he was just a man passing through the town and everyone Thought was some sort of woman who was harbouring satan in her throat or something. his long hair and curvy form Tricked them all n he paid the price. his death kinda did a number on him though, and it took a while for him to come back out of his shell (essentially after church dragged him out kicking and screaming)

lopez:

the noble that managed to survive a coup only to immediately accidentally behead himself with a pair of decorative wall swords. unlike the show, lopez is the one that doesn’t speak english while his arranged wife shiela Does and planned the murder of the monarchy under his nose. he still loved her tho.

and last but not least, locus:

i definitely hc that his name was actually locust/lotus but the first few ghosts that met him kept getting it wrong until he eventually just settled on locus (in the same way robin is actually called ‘rogh’). he’s been there the longest, definitely took a Long time to warm up to other humans after being betrayed before his death (felix and sharkface, or lick and face, pushed him into what they Thought was a bear den so that they could escape but ultimately it lead to their deaths while locus managed to get away, only to be struck by lightning immediately afterwards)

i think that covers everyone who has a canon death thus far ! sorry for going a little insane over simmons

[the-jesus-pill]

wanted to share an experience i had as an ex christian, probably apostate? idk man i was complaining in a friend's server because a christian friend of mine has been repetitively excluding me from things simply because i am not a christian, and because im queer and trans, and then is upset when i don't really feel like inviting her to stuff. i referred to christianity as a joke, and my friend who owns the server i was complaining in deleted my messages and dmed me to inform me i "complain about christianity too much and i'm probably hurting people's feelings and i need to stop it now" (it had been 3 months since i last complained about christianity in that server) i have had multiple people come to me and tell me i can't hate christianity, despite the fact that i am a victim of abuse, mental and physical, in the church, despite the fact that i have religious trauma. apparently, their right to religion means i can't dislike them? i dunno i was told i "cannot call christianity a joke", and then earlier this morning i witnessed a 12 year old child asking a bunch of older christians for forgiveness for being "selfish" enough to ask for prayer for themselves. if christianity is not the biggest joke i've ever seen, i dont know what is.

Yikes, that's awful. I'm sorry that happened to you. The friend of yours who is excluding you based on your (lack of ) beliefs and queerness? She's not a friend at all. I suppose she's not very fond of the 'do unto others' rule either.

Regardless, you have the right to dislike christianity, especially after having lived through it. Your feelings, your trauma is valid and no one gets to tell you otherwise.

Unfortunately a lot of outsiders (read: people who have never been too close to the religion) don't get what the fuss is about. Most of them see christians as these benevolent, charity-working, praying saints whose biggest flaws are perhaps being a little too prude sometimes and they will fail to understand the amount of lies, gaslighting and manipulation that comes with their beliefs.

In their eyes, christians did nothing wrong and hating on them is "unfair" or "uncalled for".

Sometimes it's just willful ignorance.

I would reconsider putting yourself in a space where people have continuously invalidated your feelings, or at least distance yourself emotionally from them. Of course the choice is up to you in the end, but I advise to think about your mental health. It's better to have fewer friends or work on finding new ones than having friends who refuse to take you seriously or stand up for you.

I hope it works out for you anon! There will always be better people out there who will support and love you the way you are!

[memurfevur-archive]

I apologize for the transformer theory dump

bro dont worry i am making the biggest sparkly eyes!

i suppose for the energon thing im sort of looking at TF Prime and some of the live action movies, where there were/are energon deposits in the earth.

it would be VERY interesting if trolls had discovered it and started using it for their things, mostly like ships and drones and stuff like that. i saw Rise of the Beasts last night so I guess I'm sort of incorporating a thought of 'the energon can be activated so what if its relatively unknown before it gets activated?' like maybe cybertronians would just recognize it best. its literally their life, between weapons and commerce and being tiny units of what makes up their sparks lol

yeah alternia probably is not a good place for autobot mentality except for some rebels and even then, yikes lol. factions like Star Seekers would probably do okay with Alternian ideals though

though now im thinking, perhaps there's a more neutrally aligned group of cybertronians on alternia? not all preachy on peace like autobots but not entirely corrupt with power like decepticons. stuck on the planet with no way home maybe they gotta make an unlikely alliance of sorts or the empire would eat them up, using their parts and sparks to further the empire's control. your point on metal suits is hella fascinating i love me some good fucked up lab experiments sdgfsdgfsd also imagine if Trolls found out how to do stuff like raising the dead more efficiently through energon/dark energon, sort of like what we see in Prime (people with necromancing trolls aside). imagine trolls being able to rise Drones up from the dead again and again and again even within the midst of battle, even more so if they somehow managed to make cybertronians into weaponized suits.

alternatively it may also be fun to think about Cybertron and Alternia possibly being at war. that kind of narrative might actually make some things easier, like why some cybertronians would be on alternia in the first place, why trolls might be aware of them and fight them, the conflicts between factions, etc.

though tbh i absolutely love the thought of a maximal/predacon or dinobot or something accidentally adopting a troll because their disguised form is some sort of animal/monster thing and trolls could mistake that for a lusus LOL its just funny to me

ugh now im kind of wanting some TF easter eggs in my homestuck sandbox o+< i think out of anything, energon deposits could be on Alternia. that could explain the evolution of [classic/helmsman] psionics, actually.

[innocencelives]

talking to myself: Growth and a Paralyzing Crossroads

i think i am uncomfortable with stability.

last few days i cant stop thinking about how far ive come! unbelievable, truly-i cant believe it. from years i spent not with one friend, not a single one. total recluse, couldnt leave the house, scared of every human, never hung out with anyone because i just had not a single friend.

now i wake up everyday to dms from 10 different friends!! i used to sink into such a depression, a spiral of loneliness and self hatred and paranoia when someone didnt respond to me. now i try so hard to have the energy to respond to all my friends! i even find myself, actually telling myself that i COULD be mean if i were that person haha. knowing that people actually look up to me, people admire me from afar, people think im so fucking cool what the FUCK. and yet i still look in the mirror, and barely recognize that person, wearied, scarred, and battered.

obviously it……was maybe a month ago i was suicidal, convinced beyond a reasonable doubt that my life is a cruel joke made to subject an individual to the most brutal emotional agony imaginable… emotional impermanence. every emotion is all encompassing, i get lost in my head so easily.

ive started to tell people i have brain damage. it started as a joke, it sort of still is, but how better to explain the way trauma has left me so dysfunctional? forgetting everything, needing help with everything, missing social cues, using a shower chair haha. need help lifting everything, say so many things i dont mean. no shower in the last 6 months…yikes. brain damage is a perfect euphemism, i just dont work properly. im just in a mental wheelchair.

its okay, its who i am, its my life story, proof i made it out.

—

in the last hour i messed up. i had a chance to go to sleep at 4am, so early for me! oy. but i think, i think i felt uncomfortable at how semi-normal things have been. good friends, i actually cleaned! and kinda liked it???? thinking abt how loved i am, and how i have the potential for such peace in my future. so what did i do? i sabotaged it.

this is..too far from my abuse. too moved on, no breakdown recently. friends? that doesnt satisfyingly imply how wretched my abuse was. i suppose i felt fearful i would lose my status as a living, breathing, testament to the capability of incest to destroy ones entirely life and psyche. who am i if not living proof? the only proof, the only one who can say what he did. the only one to remember it, the only family member to believe it. maybe i think im, some kind of missionary, i bear the responsibility to pass my tale down to whoever will listen.

maybe its just the lack of closure. i mean, i still think abt it constantly, still am very broken, still was recently suicidal, but even a brief respite felt uncomfy.

so i went and read vicious, graphic depictions of unresolved abuse cases. then tried to masturbate to the idea my abuse was consensual.

oh this took a turn…healing is non linear, so so so so so incredibly erratic. i try to understand it, i try so hard, to connect to what happened to me. to break my numbness, to provoke this emotional self harm and pray it leads to catharsis. but it doesnt always. sometimes it just. hurts

7am now.

ah i feel it burning under my skin. the abuse, tangible, true, intoxicating in its truth. it burns, it aches, it yearns to be heard. i want to tell them all, i want everyone to know. i want to forget my whole childhood, but i also want to be the messenger, i want to keep the flame of my suffering burning. people must know, they must know how bad it was. anhedonia, rape, homelesness, a world branding me worthless, an extended family choosing a pedophile over me. they all must know. everyone should have it weigh on their concious. not just my family, everyone! everyone who exalts life should know the terrors some of us experience—describe it in seething, heart shattering detail. if you know life the way i know it, you should scream it from the rooftops. you should make the uninitiated bear the burden of knowing. it was comically, surreally unfair. a crime against everything we love about this world. the injustices that exist, the parallel realities we inhabit, they all must know.

im wrestling, fighting with the life i have, the life i had, and the life i want. i dont know how to reconcile them. im being pulled in so many directions. maybe im at a crossroads, 10 years since i understood the abuse. i dont know where to go from here. i dont know what i want to be. do i want it to consume me? do i want to leave it behind? its not forgetting, but its not a burden. whats between those two.

holding.

[dani-says-stuff]

Hi I just saw your post on the W*lbur situation (i totally agree with you) and I just wanted to ask if you are going to remake the Disney days with another interest or maybe just platonic between a few people. (I just really like the concept not so much the love interest)

I also wanted to ask about something, I have been listening to love joy for a while and idk if listening to there music supports w*lbur because a few of them are my comfort song but I don’t want to support someone like him, most of the people I have spoken to about it have said that if I do download the song from YouTube by using a mp3 downloader it should be fine but I just wanted to get someone else opinion on it

Much love

(I just read over it and I am sorry if it sounds rude I am 100% with Shelby I just really like the idea of going to Disney land since where I am from I don’t get the experience)

hi! no worries, it’s not rude at all!

i’ve definitely been thinking about a disney days remake, i just have to restructure a couple of my original ideas and fix some stuff. it may end up with me taking down the last one and restarting the entire fic and masterlist. to be honest it might just end up being platonic with the same people (minus the obvious) bc i love the idea of reader, charlie, and tommy just running around like chaotic siblings w phil & kristen as the exhausted parents lmao.

as for lovejoy, i completely understand what you’re saying im kind of in the same boat, it’s definitely a more tricky question. there are other people in the band, so it’s not like it would only be supporting him like continuing to follow his personal accounts and actions would, but unfortunately he is still the lead. i get what a lot of people are saying with the “strip the art from the artist” thing, but it’s definitely a lot harder when he is so much more of an obvious part of the songs when listening. but then again, comfort songs (at least for me) are rarely about who is singing them, but more about the lyrics or premise behind the song, so its not like your going out of your way to support him by listening to a song.

i don’t think it’s necessary to strip any lovejoy songs from playlist they may already be in, if they come on it’s no big deal (at least in my opinion after going in circles about it for a while) but if you have a moment where you need to binge songs or listen to them over and over (idk if that’s just me, but i do that with my own comfort songs sometimes) then i would definitely go with the mp3 download option for the main songs or just finding them uploaded to a different account. a fan lyric video or random reupload from a random account won’t support him in anyway, so those are safe as well.

yikes that was a long one— i hope it answers everything! if you have any follow up questions or wish to say anything else let me know 😊🫶💕

[bubsub69]

Entry 18

6/7/2023 14:53

I've been wiritng less in the diary lately, maybe because now not only is college over but i also finished my stupid report so im less stressed but also because i've written what ive wanted to and i guess theres really no point in repeating myself, but whatever in like an hour im gonna present the project and hopefully graduate since this is the only subject whos grade i dont know and hopefully those fucks dont just fail me because they didnt like my report and presentation or something but aside that this is like the last thing to do for this school year.

I've invited my cousin so she could help me demonstrate the game but i guess she doesnt care. i asked her last night hey you free tomorrow at 5 wanna help? and she said lemme check my schedule and never came back to me. then i asked her again this morning and she apparantly forgot the time and wheter she was free or not and hasnt replied again, so i guess thats her way of telling me to fuck off, you know the person who im pretty much always on call to help her telling me to get lost when i need her for a slight favor, its not like it was gonna be that boring she could just ignore my presentation and then just play the fucking game i made for like 5 minutes but i guess thats asking too much, she also didnt want to do me the simple favor of playtesting it for me which is now making me question my relationship with her, cause who knows maybe my mom was right, maybe shes just using me and doesnt care about me. I already knew she wasnt that great of a person but i guess i wasnt expecting her to be like this to me but i guess all the signs were there, we always do what she wants, she doesnt care about my stuff but i have to care about hers. i guess i was just desperate as well since shes kind of my only friend but screw it im cutting her off unless she changes or something.

This thing really reinforced the ideia that no one cares about me, especially as a person, to my cousin im just errand boy and backup friend in case im angry at my boyfriend, to my parents im just dumb child that cares about the 'puter and is student, like when was the last time someone asked my about something i cared about, when was the last time someone asked me "hey played anything interesting lately" or something like that no one gives a fuck about what me as a human being but i guess thats on me for not being able to make friends. i just.. i dont even know what i want, a friend a girlfriend, someone to cuddle, i just wish i had some company that actually cared about all of me and not just my fucking school life or something.

but enough complaining i have a presentation to get ready for

17:21

Writing from my phone cause yikes that presentation kinda sucked .Im waiting outside the room rn waiting for them to give me my grade. But while my part of the presentation I think went decent enough the next part was awful like 10 minutes of just "jesus H. Christ your report sucks so much it was an awful experience to read, your Portuguese sucks you're writing sucks..."

Ok I went back and the dude said I failed.. then he said jk I had a 17. I was about to throw hands on that man holy shit. So after days of being told the report was the most important thing he gave me one of my highest grades ever and said "it could be higher if it wasn't for the report"

So thus concludes the chase game chapter I guess, from doing the game is fun to doing the report is fun to being angry at people

[coquelicoq]

what's severence's like? i only have the info gathered from the post where you mentioned u had to uhhh poop on command lolol, im slightly intrigued

[the post about pooping on command]

ohhhhh my god. okay um first thing you should know is that severance has nothing to do with pooping, on command or otherwise. severance COULD be about pooping if they chose to go that direction, but so far they have not. so. just wanted to clear that up right off the bat.

so the premise of the show is that there's a type of brain surgery called "severance" which essentially compartmentalizes your memories, and it's "spatially mediated" is i believe the term they use? something like that. so when you're in a certain space (on a certain floor of the building where you work, for the characters we see in season one) you only have access to memories you've made while in that space and none of the memories you've made outside of that space or before your surgery. (this worldbuilding is a little flimsy for me because the characters still have a bunch of general knowledge, like what the states of the US are and what a milf is, that they definitely learned before surgery and outside of that space. they just can't remember personal things like what their own name is, where they're from, whether they have kids, etc.)

when you're outside of that space (i.e., when you're not at work), you can't access the memories you made within that space. so this essentially creates two versions of you: your outie, who remembers your life before the surgery and your life outside of work, and your innie, who only remembers your life at work.

if you're severed, your outie goes to work in the morning, gets in the elevator going down, and the next thing your outie knows, the elevator is going up. your outie goes right back out of the building and it's evening - eight hours have passed, but your outie doesn't remember them at all. your innie is the one who experiences those missing eight hours. and it's all your innie will ever experience - they end their day going up in the elevator, and immediately they're coming back down in the elevator and have to start a new day of work.

so of course this means that "you" (the person who chooses to get the surgery) are free from having to think about work, ever! you just go to the building and someone else does the work for you, and all the time you're conscious is time you get to spend on other things. but to do this you essentially have to create a person for the sole purpose of doing your job, who will not remember anything other than working and cannot experience anything outside of the one floor of the building where they work.

already this is pretty bleak for the innies. the outie makes all the decisions - things as small as how much sleep to get the night before and whether to wear comfortable shoes to work, and things as big as getting the surgery to begin with (which brings the innie into existence) and choosing whether to resign or retire (which frees but also kills the innie). yikes. but the company is the one who really has the power, because they can do anything to your innie, and they can keep your outie (the one with the power to resign and/or alert the media/the government that something bad is happening) from knowing what they're doing to you.

so if you're an innie, what do you do? you either try to get out (but how, if your outie doesn't know you want out?) or you make the best of it. you find a way to give your life meaning, despite your lack of autonomy, despite only being able to access company spaces and company information. you make up fantasies about what the outside world might be like and what your outie might be like. you build a rapport with your coworkers, the only people you will ever know.

vibes: sinister. intriguing. quite stressful at points (i have seen the last episode described as a "40-minute panic attack" and i can see why). the pacing is incredible - the mysteries ravel and unravel at the perfect speed to get you curious and invested, and the intensity builds throughout the season in a masterful way. we spend a lot of time with the main character's outie, a man who's so depressed by his own personal life that he's not quite aware that he's in a dystopia for a while, so we follow him as he sort of wakes up to the fact that something weird is going on, which we as the audience already know because we're also watching the innies. there's only nine episodes but they really make them count. i recommend it.

[ETA: major tw for a suicide attempt. message me if you want more info on when and/or how that goes down.]

[alreadyblondenow]

Sweet | Jung Jaehyun

❤︎ Jaehyun x female!reader ❤︎ Fluff? Smut, Smut, Smut, Smut, Tiny bit of angst, College AU, Established relationship ❤︎ 2/4 for LOVE MONTH SERIES: Boys Don’t Cry One is a big number | You and your words | Sweet | He loves me, he loves me not |

Summary: Jaehyun has always been in love with you but he thinks so highly of you that he never tried pursuing his feelings for you. All throughout your college years, Jaehyun endured every heartbreak secretly whenever you have a new boyfriend and can only love you secretly in his own ways. Wild. College years was wild and its all because of Jaehyun. After college, you and Jaehyun parted ways but life will reunite you again in the most shocking way. Jaehyun’s wedding.  

Word count: 13,707k

Warnings: Sex, sex, sex, and loads of sex, unprotected sex, loss of virginity, making of sex tape (with consent), making of amateur porn? (with consent), cam boys and cam girl?? idk what to call that but they fuck live, mentions of alcohol, period fingering, mentions of tampon, dry humping, oral sex female receiving, mentions of blowjob, slight blowjob scene,  mentions of other idols, swearing, college students who just wanna have fun haha, kissing and touching, fingering, and slight nipple play, mentions of having sex with Johnny. AH SLIGHT BREAK UP SEX! 

A/N: PURE FICTION. PURE FICTION. PURE FICTION. okay, I know I said that this will be out on Jaehyun’s birthday but meh whatever I’m posting it and will post something else for hearts day. hehe. I hope you guys love this even though im just experimenting and trying to write longer fics, and seriously I wanted to write back to back smut with different feels so I guess im crossing that out of my bucket list. Also this is proof read once only so sorry. You may not be happy with the ending but I’m sure as hell happy with it so sorry. ​

Humans are prone to fall in love with the wrong people and the only thing you can do about it is to forgive yourself and move on. No matter how much history you had, no matter how many special moments or intimate ones you shared… if you know that he or she is not the right person for you then, you know.

Like this moment right now. For exactly ten minutes, you will realize why you and a certain someone never worked out.

“Hey, boss you have a 10 am meeting. Planning for everything” Your assistant says as you double-check your schedule to see the name of the client she’s talking about. “That’s the bride though, 0% progress for the wedding” she added.

“Yikes” you murmur and ready your stuff, “let’s fix that and give her a beautiful wedding. I need you to take down everything she says while I talk to her” you straighten your clothes and fix yourself before you face the client.

The moment you enter the room, the bride greets you with a big smile like she’s saying ‘thank you for saving me and my wedding’ even though you literally haven't done anything yet. Oh, you love seeing those hopeful eyes in every bride. “I’m just waiting for my fiancé, he’s the one who recommends coming here and I have a great feeling that I will have a beautiful wedding because of you”

“And my team,” you added and finished her sentence, “I want to introduce you to my assistant, she will be taking care of every request you say during our discussion later”

“And I want to introduce you to my fiancé, Jaehyun,” she said with a big smile and walked towards his fiancé.

And just like that your ordinary day at the office became extraordinary. Because nothing is normal about Jung Jaehyun, nothing is normal about those dimpled smile that automatically makes your heart skip a beat.

“Baby, this is the wedding organizer” her smile has no hint of mock, she’s not even proud that she has a very handsome fiancé and obviously she doesn’t know who you are. She’s just happy that she’s marrying Jaehyun. That’s all. And in those eyes, you see that Jaehyun is in the right hands.

“Mhmm. Me, Johnny, and Ms. Y/n right here are dorm mates. So you’re talking to the best wedding organizer,” you snorted at what Jaehyun said.

“Thank you for that introduction Jung, now let’s talk about your wedding”

And so, you worked your magic to them the whole morning. Explaining things, showing stuff, asking them what they want. From the wedding reception, wedding dress appointments, and picking of cakes… she has no idea of what she wants. Good thing you do know what you’re doing and you planned everything smoothly after a few hours. And for hours and hours, you watched them smile at each other, lowkey flirted in front of you but you didn’t feel any jealousy, hurt, or regret.

When the exhausting meeting was finally done and finally you’re alone at your office, a soft knock brought you back to reality and a familiar voice was behind it. “Can I come in?” Jaehyun asks.

“Of course, it’s open” you watch him enter your office like he’s some kind of a ghost and made the room cold in an instant.

“I just want to say thank you for helping us out- thank goodness the world is small… Literally, the wedding will be a mess”

“Just doing my job Jae,” you smiled sweetly to him, “your fiancé is lovely-“

“I did love you Y/n. And I’m sorry for hurting you like that, I told you, you deserve better. I’m glad we both found our happiness” he flashed that dimpled smile again and thanked you one last time.

The little reunion ended with small smiles, nods here and there, and in just a few seconds Jaehyun is out from your office and quickly replaced by your assistant to give you your afternoon coffee. Awkward and curious, she placed the coffee in front of you. Obviously, she wanted to know your past with the groom. And when she finally dropped the question, you remembered everything, moments crashing and drowning you right this instance.

Eight years ago  

“Are you even trying, you’re no fun!”  

Your best friend shouts at you from the other side of the table, waiting for you to throw the ball, waiting for you to miss. It was just beer pong but you don’t know why the game was so fucking frustrating and no matter how hard you concentrate you can’t score. Maybe it’s because you’re all alone and you’re competing against your best friend and her boyfriend. Fuck that you thought, you don’t need a man.

“Fuck” you murmur and miss again. You watch your best friend’s boyfriend score another one and of course, you have to drink again. But just when you’re about to get the ball from drink, a stranger’s hand was quick to get the cup, remove the ball and drink the alcohol.

“Mind if I join and help you win?” He flashed you a dimpled smile that immediately made you smile back at him. You take back what you said earlier, maybe you do need someone.

“Come on! Let him in, maybe he’s a better competition” your best friend shouts once again. Oh, you’re very happy that you’re not going to the same college.

As you welcome the handsome stranger and gave him the honor of throwing the ball, you warned him first that your opponents can be very annoying but he doesn't seem to care and just let out a small laugh. Cocky you thought, but confidence looks sexy on him.

And finally. Fucking finally, your best friend had a taste of her own medicine.

“I’m Jaehyun by the way,” he was lowkey flirting with you and you’re not stupid to not notice. “Here, I’ll teach you how to throw” he put the ball in your palm and stood behind you, hands on your waist to keep you steady, arms raised together, and you swear his lips were so near at your nape that you got shivers whenever he talks. “let the ball bounce near a cup and it will land on one” he added. But how can you score if he’s making it hard for you? You did it anyways, threw the ball near a cup and he was right. It landed on the cup you wish to aim and finally, you’re starting to have fun.

The game went on and you and Jaehyun flirted, talked, and exchange deep glances the entire game but winning it at the same time. His one hand is always around your waist even if it's not necessary whenever he’s the one throwing the ball, and whenever the other team scores, he’s the one drinking the alcoholic beverage for you.

At the end of the game, you and Jaehyun won the golden prize which is very awkward when he showed it to you.

“All that frustration and competition for a condom?” you can’t believe that the prize is a single condom.

“We don’t have to use it, it can just be our trophy you know” he let out a small laugh and put the condom in his pocket, and changed the subject.

As the night went deeper, you and Jaehyun had your own little world in that corner at the kitchen with a beer in your hand while you talk about your interest from music to movies. It was pretty crowded but no one seems to care especially Jaehyun because he loves how incredibly close he is to you right now. Until a drunk person bumped Jaehyun and he accidentally spilled his beer on your blouse. Seems like the universe is making a way for you two to eventually hook up and use the condom.

“Shit-shit!” Jaehyun was panicking at the moment and he doesn’t know what to do other than remove his hoodie and cover you with it before anyone sees your see-through blouse and took you somewhere less crowded to help you clean up the mess he put you through.

In a stranger's room upstairs, he locked the door to let you change while he looks for something to dry your clothes with. Luckily, he saw a hairdryer and quickly plugged it in beside the bed and started drying your shirt.

You were conscious for some time, clinging to a stranger's blanket with nothing but your pants underneath it. You watch Jaehyun dry your bra, checking it from time to time if it's ready to go. And when it's finally dry, he hands it to you with an awkward smile but still managed to make your heart beat fast. “I’m really sorry,” he started, a quickly avoided his gaze from you again as you turn your back from him, put down the blanket, and wear your bra like there's no one with you.

“It was an accident, don’t beat yourself up,” you said, there’s no way he’s going to let this go you’re sure of it, so with all your bravery, you came closer to him while he's busy drying your blouse and kissed him on the cheek. “You've been saving me the whole night. You saved me from boredom and from losing and now, you're drying my clothes. So sweet of you,” you added and looked at him sweetly, resting your forehead on his and making the moment even more intense by putting down the blanket in front of him. Allowing him to see you with only wearing your bra and pants, inviting him to make this moment unforgettable for the two of you.

Of course, he's not stupid and did exactly what you had in mind. In one swift moved his lips are on your lips, hands on your shoulders to put your bra straps down, and you unclasped your bra and threw it on the floor before you started to kiss him more intensely.

Jaehyun kissed you exactly how you wanted to be kissed, with want and with lust. His breath and the sound of wet kisses sounded perfect as it surrounds the room. You felt him bite your neck then feel him smile against your skin when his intentions of turning you on even more is working.

Kisses became deeper, playful, and wet when he started to go down to your chest and started kissing the valley between your boobs. His big hands knead your right boob, while his left hand is placed on your waist. Oh when his tongue brushed on your nipple for the first time, you rolled your head back and arched your back as if you wanted him to do more and play more with your boobs.

And just like that the cold night became warm and you feel it getting warmer and warmer by every second and it’s all because of Jaehyun.

He flashed a dimpled smile at you when he saw that you're more than liking what he's doing to you and stopped to open the lampshade. The room was immediately softly illuminated which you thought is romantic even though everything that’s happening right now is totally unplanned.

"Your boobs have spit all over, wait let me get that for you" you were just about to tell him that it's fine but he was quick to remove his shirt and reveal his godlike body right before your eyes. “If you just want to kiss and touch the whole night, I’m fine with that but I am very horny right now that I got you covered with spit,” he said while wiping his spit from your boobs and chest using his shirt.  

If you’re perfectly honest, you’re nervous about what can happen in the next few minutes. But there’s no way in hell that you’re going to let this pass, it’s not every day a handsome man is eager to fuck you. You just have to suck it up, not tell him that you’re a virgin, perform and look like you know what you’re doing. "No, it's fine I'm horny too" and you proved it by kissing him again, cupping his face with both of your hands, and with all your strength you roll on top of him. "Wait here," you said as you push him back on the mattress when he tried to get a hold of you.

You went down from the bed to remove your pants and underwear, he did the same as quickly as he can and you think he's cute for being excited to fuck. You crawled in between his legs, sat nicely on top of him but the impatient guy sat up and met your lips again. One hand supporting his weight, one hand on your waist. "You're so fucking beautiful I'm having a hard time to breath for the last few minutes" he whispers so sexily while kissing your jaw, leaving his mark to remind you the next day about tonight.

For a minute, you felt shy because you've never been naked with someone in bed. But the way Jaehyun kisses you makes you trust him, the way he touches your body with care make you want him more. And again, those fucking lips just made you roll your hips against his hardening cock and it made you both moaned so good that he asked you to do it again. And so you did.

Letting his cock slide in between your folds is a new feeling for you. Not even grinding on your vibrator will give you such an amazing feeling. Grinding on Jaehyun's cock while his mouth plays with your boobs felt fucking good that your grip on his locks tightens but he doesn't care. But for someone untouched like you, you made sure you never forget the feeling whenever his tongue swirls while you roll your hips, how he bites your nipples whenever he feels you're slowing down, and the vibrations that share with you whenever he grunts a little too loud and you feel it all over your body.

Soon Jaehyun switched places with you, putting you underneath him to catch his breath and stop himself from cumming. He reached for your hand and hold it dearly, kissing your knuckles and the back of your hand. “Forgive me if I become rough tonight, I can promise an aftercare don’t worry,” he says and gave you one last kiss before he pulls away and gets the condom from the pocket of his discarded pants. Putting the protection in front of you to assure you, thank goodness to that condom you thought.

As soon as he crawls back in between your legs again, his hand moved around your body like he’s telling you he owns you, smiling in between kisses whenever he accidentally tickles you. Hands slipping in between your thighs and fingers brushed automatically on your very wet slit. You jolt because of the new feeling but careful not to show Jaehyun that this is your first time being finger fucked. So you closed your eyes to avoid his gaze but Jaehyun gave your ass a tight squeeze and put his thumb on your wet slit, admiring how wet he made you already which made you open your eyes again and moan his name deliciously.

“I like the sound of that,” he says, kissing your neck and down Jaehyun goes, kissing your body until he reaches your pussy to give you few licks before he fucks you.

The way he licked your wet folds made your toes curl and your legs spread even wider. Pushing his head away, crushing his head with your legs then spreading it wide again, and begged him but you’re not sure what for.  

“Jae- you eat pussy like a pro” or maybe you’re just telling that because it’s your first time being eaten out. That even the way he puts the right amount of force to stop your legs from closing whenever he flicks his tongue is perfect. And when he saw you relaxing and can handle the pleasure already, his hands cupped both of your boobs and pinched your nipples, making you moan his name loudly “Jae!-“ and arch your back as a sign that you’re almost there, and if he doesn’t stop soon you might cum now.

But of course, Jaehyun didn’t stop and made you cum using his tongue for the first time tonight. Your legs felt like jelly and you can even feel that your pussy is still sensitive. “Thought it’s going to be just a few licks?” you said weakly, wiping your pussy juices from his chin and planting a soft kiss on his lips as a thank you, but he doesn’t know that.

“Changed my mind, you taste good. I might even go for another round-“

And right before he goes down on you again, you stopped him and told him you’re still sensitive. Which thankfully he listened and kissed you instead of licking you. And when you’re finally good to go again, he holds you by your ankles, kiss your neck and touch your body for a few seconds before he finally lines his cock on your very wet slit. Sliding it up and down, teasing you and making you horny and even more aroused.  

When he finally pushed his cock in your hole, Jaehyun thought his dick will slide in smoothly because, one, he thought you’re not a virgin anymore and two, you’re dripping on the sheets but still he’s having a hard time pushing in. Then he saw your face, contorting like you’re in pain rather than seeing you furrow your brows, part your lips, and make beautiful sounds.

For you, it fucking hurts and you would rather suck it up than tell him you’re still a virgin and ruin the mood. But the man on top of you is not stupid and surprisingly he pulled out slowly and came closer to your body once again to face you, “I’m about to be your first time, am I right? You’re so tight and I’ve never encountered a hole like that ever since my first fuck”

Busted you thought. You thought of any more ways to get out of this situation but he looks like he’s okay with it. “Are you mad?” you asked shyly and avoiding his stare.

“No” he admitted, “Actually I’m turned on. But I’ll go slow and sorry if I hurt you at first. Want to try again?”

You nod oh eagerly to his question and finally, you can breathe and enjoy the moment. He gave you a few kisses before he continues and went back to lining his cock, he made you wrap your arms around his neck and asked you to spread your legs even wider. And when he pushed in again, there’s that good stretch you’ve been hearing so much about. The feeling of Jaehyun’s cock go slowly inside you was incredibly good even though he’s not fucking you raw right now.

“The condom is thin-“ he grunts and moaned a few times, “you’re so tight. And fuck you look hot. Does it feel good now?” he whispers and started to roll his hips once which made you both moan and let out sharp gasps.

He fucks you slow and deep until the sting from the stretch is replaced by pleasure. You rake his body with your nails, holding him on his nape, and grab a fistful of hair whenever he tries to give you a powerful thrust which you loved so you asked for more.

He sat on his knees and pull away from your body then immediately gave you a hard thrust, watching your boobs bounce with lidded eyes, kneading them whenever he wants to. In a matter of few minutes, his thrust became animalistic that your head is dangling on the edge of the bed, moaning and gasping sharply but the man above you kept on fucking you hard, savoring the condom and trying not to cum so soon. So whenever he’s on edge, he pulls out immediately and spreads kisses around your body, sucking your boobs until your nipples are swollen, playing with your slit until you’re cumming for the third time tonight using his fingers.

“Not yet, I want more time with you,” he says while kissing your neck and reaching for your hand to intertwine it with his.

“Jaehyun, I can’t take it anymore. Please cum already” you begged with ragged breaths.

“Fine, fine. Since you asked nicely, but promise me to give me your number after we fuck”

“I will if you make me cum using your dick” he was amused by your answer and effortlessly flipped you on your stomach and asked you to put your ass in the air. He kissed your shoulders first, making you feel safe before the grand finale. Hands on your ass while he slowly thrust in again and fuck, he does make your knees weak.

“You were just a virgin a few minutes ago, but now you’re begging huh, okay” he says before he gave you a hard thrust that made you land flat on your stomach but he was quick to lift your hips again and give you another hard thrust.

Thrust after thrust you feel the impact in your body and for sure your body will be sore the next day. You call his name over and over again but you’re not sure what you’re begging for because he is fucking you good. Hard but good. And when finally Jaehyun is on edge for the nth time tonight, he did not pull out and kept fucking you but this time he doubled his pace that you can only hear skin slapping and his beautiful moans.

“Fuck Jaehyun- I’m cumming again, don’t you dare fucking stop” you grip the sheets and arch your back more, taking every thrust Jaehyun gives you and shut your eyes close as you let go and cum for the fourth time tonight.

Thrust

Thrust

Thrust

He gave you three powerful thrusts before you both flop on the mattress and catch your breath together. Your bodies were warm and sweaty, the room smelled like sex but no one cares. You feel bad to the owner of this bed.

While you catch your breath and calm yourself down, Jaehyun busies himself with discarding the condom and looking for something to cover your exposed body before he makes a wrong decision like asking you for round two.

“Thanks” you said weakly when he covered you with the blanket.

“I hope you’re okay with me being your first” he says and lies beside you again, keeping you close to him.

“I’m more than okay with it” you kissed him on the lips like you’re keeping a souvenir, “I hate to ruin this moment that we shared but, we have to go back to the party” you watch him shook his head no and pretended to be asleep, “Mhmm. Come on, I’ll help you get dressed” you added.

To be perfectly honest Jaehyun wanted to stay with you for a few more minutes, he wanted to know more about you, he wanted to hold your hand just a little bit longer. “Stay with me” he asks of you, but you refused with a heavy heart. You exchanged cellphone numbers of course, but when you two got back to the party, hand in hand and back to flirting with each other, your friends are quick to get a hold of you. and the next thing you know you’re inside your friend’s car, on your way home and you couldn’t stop thinking about him.

On the next day, you woke up very sore and you couldn’t walk properly but the thought of what happened last night just makes you smile and all giggly. You waited for his text the whole day, checking your phone from time to time and hoping that whenever it beeps, Jaehyun’s name is on the screen but no.

You thought that waiting for him for a day is normal, maybe he got hungover and slept the whole day. But after a few days later, still you got no texts from him and that part is not normal anymore. You started to think that you’re just a one-time thing for him and you feel stupid for even thinking that Jaehyun can and eventually pursue you.

Everything that happened that night, should be forgotten and you should enjoy the remaining months of your summer before you finally move in to your college dorm. On top of that, you deleted his number and tried to forget the man who made you feel good in bed for the first time.

Now that you’re weeks away from officially being a college student, you decided to settle in your college dorm as early as now so you can have more time to know your dorm mates. Little did you know, that the world is incredibly small and you will end up being dorm mates with Jaehyun alongside his best friend Johnny who welcomed you with a big bear hug like you’ve known each other for years.

It’s not that you weren’t happy to see him when he opened the door for you, it’s just that... it was such an awkward moment because you’ve seen each other naked and... he didn’t call you back. Nonetheless, you pretended to know each other for the first time today, shake his hand and give him a hug. Which you didn’t want to end so soon.

“Hey, uhm… glad to see you settle in” he started and closed your door so Johnny would not hear whatever conversation you’re about to have.

“Yeah, thank you for welcoming me warmly. Johnny is sweet by the way” you said awkwardly while folding your clothes and putting them in your cabinet.

“Uh, about that. Uhm, can you uh-“

“Not tell him that something happened between us?” he nods slowly at what you said, “sure” you wanted to scoff so bad and throw a fit at him, but you didn’t want to ruin your move in day and just shrugged it off.

Starting that day, you tried your best not to be awkward with Jaehyun and really try your best to forget about the sex. The sex that felt good, the sex that can make your toes curl by just merely thinking about it. Although you had a hard time because whenever you touch yourself at night, you remember everything that happened between you two and you end up fantasizing about fucking Jaehyun again. But now that you’re living with him and you see him every day, it's not just about the sex now.

During the summer you were convinced that Jaehyun is a guy who had sex with you and left you hanging. But seeing him every day and knowing him even more by living together, the truth about Jaehyun slapped you so hard that you even liked him even more now. He is a warm person, whose heart is full of care and compassion, or maybe even more than that.

Eventually, you did forget about the sex and your little crush on Jaehyun. Thank goodness, you thought. You couldn’t have done it without a few hookups during your freshman year. And when everything is all nice and pleasant again between you and Jaehyun, you became good friends and started to look after each other.

You were like family in that small dorm during your starting years together. The two giant knows how to cook so a good meal is never a problem, you have study sessions whenever it’s needed and whenever someone is going through something, you were there for each other.

It was great and comforting because you do everything together. But not until Jaehyun realized that he’s not immune to your charms anymore and now he’s falling for you. Hard.

Over the years of living together, Jaehyun saw your true colors. Now he knows you’re more than just a hookup. You were a gem that he found in a stranger’s party and he was such a fool for not calling you back during the summer. It’s true what they say that regrets are always at the end. Now he can only admire you and love you in ways where he can’t ruin this amazing friendship that you have.

Jaehyun endured every heartbreak whenever he sees you with another man or hearing you moan from the other side of the room whenever you and your boyfriend have sex. And when that jerk broke your heart, his broke two times than yours because he can’t do anything to ease your pain, make you realize your true worth and help you move on.

“You don’t need that guy,” Jaehyun says as he pulls you for a hug while Johnny massages your toes. The two giants were a good support system, not to mention they really want to beat your ex’s butt but you told them ‘thanks but, no don’t do that’. And while you’re crying in Jaehyun’s arms, staining his hoodie with your tears, he promised to himself that he will never hurt you or make you cry.

Now that he’s frustrated and mad at himself because he can’t help you, he decided to help himself instead. He watched on the sides and used different girls to make him forget about you, which is hardly impossible by now because even the little things you do make him crazy. Like whenever you ask him to eat dinner with you when Johnny is out for work, or whenever you take care of him when he goes home batshit drunk and can’t even stand up straight.

For Jaehyun, his college years were all about yearning. Yearning for you, your attention, your touch, and your love. But even though you’re now single and have already moved on from your ex, he still can’t confess his feelings for you because he believes that you deserve someone better than him. Jaehyun knew he hurt you already, and he will not forgive himself if he does it again.  

Senior year

In a middle of a busy cafeteria, you, Johnny, and Jaehyun are thinking of ways how to earn money for your dorm rent. This semester made you guys bring out a lot of cash because of books and some of your rent money was needed to sacrifice for education. But now that you guys are a month late with your rent, you have no idea where to get cash knowing all too well that your parents won’t chip in.

“I could sell some of my clothes” Jaehyun suggested while drinking his coffee.

“Dude your clothes are all black, no one would ever buy those” Johnny bites back just to annoy his friend. “Though girls will buy it because it’s from you-“

“Stop it with your nonsense John”

“Or! You can sell some of your nudes, I already know a lot of buyers” Johnny added with an annoying smile.

“Or you two can just fuck each other because you’re the hottest guys on campus but your asses are broke” you tease them further but you have no idea that you just gave out the solution to all your problems. “What?” you asked them as they both smile at you, shy for no reason, and eyeing each other like they’re having a secret conversation using their eyes.

Johnny clears his throat before he starts, “You just suggested to make porn… and porn is good money. A few students do it these days” he clears his throat again before he continues, “We know because we watch porn-“

“Okay, I don’t need to know that part. What are you saying? Are you suggesting we make porn?” you said, eyes big as you look at them.  

“You suggested it. Not us. But yeah. It’s good money Y/n” Johnny once again explained.

“Well, okay. I’ll hold the camera while you two fuck. How do we do this?” you avoid their eyes as your body heats the more you talk.

“Nuh-uh, I’m not fucking Johnny” Jaehyun announces.

“Nope. Me too I’m not fucking Jaehyun, you choose Y/n. No hard feelings, but consider the size” he winks but you know that he’s just joking.

Good thing the awkward conversation was cut when your alarm went off and you have to go to your next class. You gather your stuff and told them to think of better ways to earn money because there’s no way you’re having sex with any of them. Especially not with Jaehyun.

The idea of making money through porn crosses your mind every five minutes and you can’t concentrate with your class. Plus, your landlord kept on sending messages reminding you that in three days, you’re going to be two months late with the rent. But still, whenever you imagine having sex with any of them, it gives you great goosebumps and you can’t handle the awkwardness anymore.

After your class, you were spacing out and still weighing things over regarding the porn making, and unexpectedly, one of your friends brought up ‘amateur porn’ and you’ve never been so nervous in your life. She was talking about how she and her boyfriend went live for a good twenty minutes and they made loads of cash, “and guess what, it’s all for fun! We were really just fooling around but apparently, people do love those kinds of stuff and they pay good money”

Your mouth almost fell when she mentioned the cash they earned for only twenty minutes. And in that twenty minutes, you can cover one month's rent pay already. You just have to cum in front of thousands of people. So with a mind blinded by the possibility of earning too much cash, you said yes to the idea of making porn. The only question is, with whom?

Johnny and Jaehyun stood in front of you as they wait for your answer after telling them what your friend told you about making porn. Of course you picked Jaehyun. Not because you miss him, and not because you have history, but because you don’t want to be awkward with Johnny. While Jaehyun on the other hand is feeling proud and hopeful behind that poker face of his, he thought that you chose him because you already know what’s in store for you if you fuck with him again and of course he thought that maybe you miss him.

“Johnny doesn’t really need to hold the camera for us right? We can just place it, and secure it somewhere” you added and watch Jaehyun agree without looking at you.

“You two have the place tomorrow night then. M-make sure you raise the quota and cover three months of payment... for safety” Johnny says to Jaehyun and you with a smile that says, ‘thank goodness I didn’t have to watch you both fuck’.

Before you sleep tonight, unexpectedly Jaehyun paid you a visit. And there’s that nervous feeling again, you feel like you’re back in your freshman days when you don’t know what to do whenever you see Jaehyun and you just have to pretend that nothing is bothering you.

Breathing in and out, you opened the door quickly and went back to your bed and under the covers to cover your exposed legs. Little did you know that Jaehyun already saw that you’re not wearing anything besides your lacy panties and an oversized shirt.

“Your ears are red,” you teased him.

“Well next time you should wear pajamas instead of your underwear to sleep” he winked and placed the mask that you’re going to be using tomorrow and sat on the edge of your bed.  

“What are you? A stranger? You’re so far, come here” you invited him under your sheets and lie in bed face to face like nothings bothering you two. You put your hand above his head and feel his soft locks, careful not to grip so hard and hurt the man you used to have feelings for.

This is why Jaehyun can’t move on from you. You always make him feel like he’s your favorite person in the world.

“Are you going to leave me hanging again after we have sex tomorrow?” You confronted him.

“That’s impossible now, we live together” he giggles and catches your hand so he could hold it.

“Just promise me after the sex tomorrow we’ll still be friends” you felt his grip loosen up like he became hopeless like he didn’t like what you just said.

“I was actually going to say that I want us to try again. Get things right this time”

And in that very moment, your world stopped and your body feels hot, suddenly you’re sweating and your heart is beating faster. To be honest you don’t know what to say.

Then,

“Kidding. I’m kidding. Just making you laugh before you sleep, and y-yeah. I promise nothing will change between us, cross my heart” he got up from your bed, turned off the lights and turned on your lampshade. “Sleep well okay?”

And just like that, he left again. You don’t know if you were relieved that it was only a joke or your heart broke because deep inside, you’re waiting for him to tell you that ever since Freshman year. Nonetheless, you do what you do best. Sleep it off and pretend nothing happened.

On the next day, you were at the kitchen preparing breakfast and spacing out while you flip pancakes. Most of them got burnt and you blame Jaehyun for that.

“I told you to sleep, didn’t I?”

There he goes again, startling you and flashing a very handsome smile at you like you’re not about to do something stupid later. “Johnny went to work early and took an overtime tonight just so you won’t get shy” he hands you a glass of water, figured you might need one because you looked so tensed.

“We can always text him when we're done” you added, he nods. And there’s the awkward silence again.

You finish your breakfast in one go, not even looking at Jaehyun. Usually, during breakfast, you talk mostly about your plans within the day but given the situation right now, obviously, you don’t want to know his plans because that includes you. Good thing the day went on normally. You cleaned the living room, he cleaned the kitchen, you cleaned your room, he cleaned his. You saw him changing his bedsheets and you think that’s a sweet gesture, you wanted to tease him but that won’t help you with your nervousness so you just smiled at him when he caught you looking.

When it’s finally afternoon and you’re going to fuck live in a few minutes, you were surprised at what he did to his room just so you won’t get nervous anymore. The golden ray of afternoon light was perfect and helped you calm in no time, Jaehyun lit some scented candles and lowered the thermostat of his air conditioning so you won’t get cold.

“Thought I should make this special- not that I’m saying our first wasn’t “ he rambles and scratches his head, ears turning red and now you can see that he’s nervous too. “But come on, I want to do right for you” he caresses your shoulders and nods his head as a signal that you two needed to start.

The mood was nothing like your first, there was no sexual tension or any sign of desire to fuck each other. In other words, he looked like he’s just doing this for the dorm rent and you are too. That’s why maybe stripping in front of Jaehyun while your back is against him was easier than you thought. But you didn’t know that the man was craving for you. He wanted to be the one removing your clothes while his lips roam on your neck, make you feel good and wanted just before the live starts. He wanted to do that.

“Remember your promise okay?” You put on your mask and Jaehyun did too. He was still fully clothed and while you’re lying in his bed comfortably, watching him strip in front of you but not for you. The camera is right above your head so the viewers can imagine that they are the ones having sex with Jaehyun. If that won't give you a lot of money then you don’t know what will.

Jaehyun was a natural, you wanted to tell him that he does look like a pornstar but you’re not allowed to talk. When he finally crawled on the bed, straight between your legs and spread them according to his want, a shiver went straight to your spine and immediately made you wet. He shamelessly kissed your inner thighs first and went all the way up until he reaches your lips.

Finally. You both thought.

But his kisses were different and you wonder why. You feel like you’re not kissing Jaehyun because you know how his kiss can affect you, although his touch was still the same. He can still make you jolt and part your lips with just using his fingers and a few teasing here and there. And when he finally put his cock inside you, that’s the part where you finally believe that Jaehyun is indeed the one in bed with you right now. You will never forget how that cock feels inside you, “I miss you” he whispered very softly, hoping that the viewers did not hear it.

Time flies so fast that the live will end in ten minutes now and Jaehyun has been fucking you deep and slow like he’s savoring the feeling again. When you heard him grunt and moan, that made your toes curl and clench accidentally around him. Making him groan a little louder and fuck you a bit faster. You moaned so loud just so he knows you’re very much close to your high, and in just a few minutes you both cum together and the next thing you know he’s pulling out and letting his cum land on top of your pussy lips for the viewer’s pleasure.

Fuck you wish he didn’t pull out.

He grabbed his phone from above you and turned the damn timer off because you may not know, but the timer was screaming at him that his time with you is over. You removed your mask and he removed his too. And there you saw tears in his eyes, or maybe those are sweat? Nonetheless, you asked him what’s wrong and made him look at you. But instead of answering your question, he kissed you. Hands on both sides and cupping your face as he kisses you deeper.

And there’s that kiss you’ve been waiting for. The kiss that you’ve been wanting to experience again for years and years. You shouldn’t be happy, but you’re actually genuinely happy that your rent pay is late and you get to do this again with Jaehyun.

“I missed you too” finally you said it.

He smiled so sweetly to you and went back to the kiss, spreading your legs again, checking your slit if you’re still wet. And without further ado, he thrust in. Slowly again, but this time he’s proving a point. Like he’s telling you something. And now that you can see his face, you can’t help but feel excited and the butterflies in your stomach are very much excited too that you were smiling in between kisses.

“Ride me” he says, and effortlessly he trades places with you. Holding you on your back, lips still locked like you’re not planning to stop any time soon. And for your own pleasure, you guided his hands and made him knead your boobs. He did more than kneading, Jaehyun sucked your nipples and pinched them to hear you moan.

“A lot has changed Jae” you said, pushing him down to the mattress and intertwined your fingers with his, kissed them and placed them on your hips. You started rolling your hips without a warning, making the man underneath you close his eyes and part his lips. There are many things you wanted to do with him now that you had the privilege to ride him, but you decided to go hard because this might be the last time you’re going to fuck Jaehyun again.

You ride him like you didn’t have sex for years. Skin slapping from rolling your hips faster than he expected, letting your boobs bounce in front of him and letting him touch them whenever he wants to. “It’s hard to pull out when you’re on top, want to switch places?” He was struggling to talk, obviously he’s trying so hard not to cum yet but you’re good at what you’re doing.

“Not tonight” and that promise just made Jaehyun moan deliciously like he’s excited to cum now just so he can experience cumming inside you.

“Y-yeah. That’s right Y/n fuck me. Oh you fuck me so good! Shit- why did I ever let you go. Fuck”

The thing is, you love seeing him all fucked up and love hearing him praise the way you fuck him... but he chose the wrong words. And those words went straight to your heart. The words ‘Why did I ever let you go?’ repeated over and over again while you ride so fast that you’re overstimulating him already. He was begging for you to stop but it was too late when you heard him.

When you finally stopped, you see his cum dripping from your pussy even though you’re not yet removing his cock from you. You catch your breath for a second and came closer to Jaehyun. Good thing he has enough strength to hug you and roll you to the mattress so he could have the honor to pull his cock out.

“You’re right a lot has changed,” he says because his silly crush on you grew and grew and now he’s completely in love with you. “Let’s not shower together, I’m afraid I’ll lure you to have shower sex with me”

“And what’s so wrong about that” you bite back.

“Oh so you’re confident now huh,” he kissed you once again, and shit you never want him to leave your lips.

But every good thing comes to an end. You went back to your room and showered separately, as planned and when you went to the living room, he was all cleaned up and looking so fresh. He was wearing his glasses, hair almost covering his eyes, he looked cozy in his oversized shirt and his favorite plaid pajamas. “Come here,” He pats the seat next to him, signaling you to come watch Netflix with him. Surprisingly, his arms wrapped around you and kept you close to him, subtly smelling your shampoo. He giggled at the thought of imagining you taking a shower while smiling because the sex was fucking awesome.

He played a movie and watched it with you just so he can still keep you close to him. Not even halfway through the movie, he caught you sleeping soundly on his lap and slowly covered your exposed legs with the blanket on the couch. He pats and pats your head until his attention was no longer in the movie that he’s watching but his mind lingers to what happened earlier and eventually fell asleep beside you too.

It was very late when Johnny went home and caught you two all snuggled up on the couch, snoring and slept through to what you were watching. He had a hunch that you two had a great time, smiled and turned off the TV, and wished you both a good night's sleep.

“I have bad news” Johnny announces as you and Jaehyun wake up together on the couch, all smiles and in an incredibly good mood but Johnny was quick to ruin that. “The money you earned from yesterday’s live was not enough”

You don’t know why Jaehyun was still smiling at you even though what Johnny just told you completely ruined your day already. “That’s not bad news, right?” He whispers to you and gave you a look. “I’m okay with doing it again until we cover everything” Jaehyun says to Johnny while you three sit in front of each other, drinking your coffees.

“I’ll work double shifts at the radio station- are you fine with doing it again Y/n?” Johnny asks, and for a second there you feel like you’re in the hot seat.

“Y-yeah. I’m okay with it” you scratch your nape and awkwardly sip your coffee, “it’s easy money, I think if we do more lives we can cover three months pay”

“More lives it is. Don’t worry John, I’ll take other slots at the radio station too for groceries and stuff” Jaehyun added.

The live fucking continues and so is fooling around with Jaehyun, having better sex every after going live and whenever Johnny is not around. It’s like playing with fire, but you don’t exactly know if what you’re doing is wrong or right because you’re both single, so why are you guys hiding? You don’t get it, but you just go with the flow, enjoy what’s happening and hope for the best.

Every sex you have grown more and more intense to the point that your beds are moving and that gives you better reviews in live fucking. Not to mention the money is better now and you’re saving up faster than expected. But whenever the camera is off and you’re having sex without an audience, you guys fuck like you’re together and you love each other.

Sweet love bites here and there, sincere praises and longer kisses. For Jaehyun he feels like he’s having a dream because he gets to do the things he wanted to do with you. Remove your clothes while kissing you, whisper the things he has been holding back to say for years, and make you feel loved and important.

And just like the sex, your cuddling session became even warmer and sweeter. Cuddling after you take a shower has always been your thing, he visits you in your room with damped hair and you help him dry his hair, Netflix and chill, or order in and have a great meal together.

Days went by and you’re getting used to this sweet Jaehyun and you well know that’s dangerous. But you love every dangerous thing about Jaehyun. The following days grew extremely sweet and intimate. You sleep in his room every night and basically do everything together from now on. The only time you two were apart is during class hours but after that, Jaehyun is right outside your classroom waiting for you.

“What are you doing?” you giggle and try to finish the book you’re reading in bed when Jaehyun suddenly entered your room, crawled on your bed, and went in between your legs. Removing your glasses for safety, inviting you to fuck while Jaehyun nibs your ear and caress your legs. Oh his kisses always make your head turn and ask for more.

“Johnny is not around and I just took a shower, hmm? What do you say?” He uses that cute tone that can always make you stop what you’re doing and say yes to him. Forget the book, you can finish it later.

Removing your shorts and underwear while he continuously kisses you, smiling and giggling while he whispers ‘you always look pretty’ before he removes your shirt and exposes your boobs to him. You tried getting up and help him remove his clothes, but he stopped you and kissed you down on the mattress. “Nu-uh. Stay there I’ll treat you good tonight” he winked and proceeds to remove his clothes in between your spread legs, your hands roam freely in his well sculpted and fucking beautiful body.

Then he reached for your phone and took a nice picture while you two are kissing. The sound of the camera clicking made your eyes open, “send me this picture later. So I can stop missing you” you smiled and nod, then Jaehyun took one too many pictures so he could focus on you again. When he’s finally contented with all the pictures he got, he finally thrust in deep and slow while his mouth is sucking one of your nipples and he looks incredibly handsome.

This time, it’s you who grabbed your phone and took some pictures of him sucking your boobs and making you feel good, taking some pictures of his cock inside your pussy while he thrusts. Jaehyun had the idea of taking a video while you two fuck but this time, it’s for his and your eyes only. He took the phone from you and recorded how he fucks you good, and did not miss the part where you part your lips and moan.

“Jaehyun I’m almost there” you moan out, fingerings raking his nape or on his beautiful body. He puts the camera on the bedside table with a perfect angle of him fucking you, without masks or any cover. He intertwines his fingers with yours before he fucks you hard and fast. The camera that’s recording everything was completely forgotten and Jaehyun focused on making you feel good, making you cum at least two times using his dick and his fingers.

After your second high you were so exhausted that you were breathing heavily and Jaehyun is helping you to calm down while kissing your boobs and sucking them playfully. Even your cute moments like this was caught on camera and Jaehyun was more than happy about it.

“You okay? Want to cum for the third time?” He reached for your phone, stop the recording and went back in between your legs again and kiss you wherever he wants. You didn’t answer him ‘yes’ because to be completely honest you were still exhausted and he understood you well. For a good quiet minutes he was just staring at you, flashing his dimples, raking his fluffy hair and biting his lips at the same time. The silence felt good and not the usual awkward silence you have.

“The next live that we will be doing is going to be our last. And our dorm rent will be settled in no time” he started.

“And?”

“I’ll miss you”

Ouch. You wish he kept the quietness and peace instead. Just as you thought that life will now let you be with Jaehyun peacefully, here comes the heartbreak again. Truth is Jaehyun is still scared and very much afraid to hurt you that’s why he just wanted to fix himself before he could date you officially. He didn’t want to pursue his feeling with you just because you did porn together and fucked live, no you deserve better than that.

He loves you. So much, but he’s not ready yet.

You wanted to shout at him and asked him what else does he want from you? He is so good at making you feel like you’re always not enough for him and that makes your mind go crazy. He did it again. He left you hanging again when you’ve completely fallen in love with him. Turns out he’s not willing and ready to catch you. But as usual, you do what you do best. Shrugged it off and continue to live like it’s not bothering you.  

The live fucking and porn making stopped for a while because you and Jaehyun have final exams. And the awkwardness between you and Jaehyun came back in no time, nonetheless, it was a good week to have a breather and to let yourself think straight. But still, you can’t help but think about everything and miss Jaehyun.

“Are you on your way home?” Johnny asks Jaehyun through the phone.

“Yeah, just buying us dinner”  

“Good. Y/n is on her period”

“Am I suppose to be happy because I didn’t get her pregnant?” He chuckled proudly and having no clue what Johnny was saying.

“Take care of her she has period cramps dumb ass!“

“Oh right- right… sorry. Okay, yeah”

When Jaehyun arrived with the stuff that Johnny told him to buy for you and the dinner Jaehyun bought you, you were twisting in hurt inside your room grunting and very vocal about the pain while you hug the hot compress Johnny left you when Jaehyun entered your room.

“Ah- fuck it hurts” you groan and curl yourself, pressing that hot compress more on your lower abdomen and endure your period cramps. Jaehyun is just so sweet to stay beside you and rub your back while he watches you suffer.

“I want to help. Do you need anything other than that hot compress?” He was concerned and willing to make you feel better.

“Nothing I’m fine. You’re so sweet” you said in a little irritated tone but you’re not actually irritated with him. He scrolls through his phone with one hand, while the other is rubbing and caressing your back to give you comfort.

“Google says sex is good when-“

“I’m not having period sex with you, Jaehyun” but you do want him to touch you. Stupid hormones. Stupid period. It just makes you crave for him even more, desperate for even a kiss, or even just with his body closer to you.

“Are you horny?” He asks without shame, smiling at you and hoping that you say yes.

“I am” you admitted

“Just say yes, I got you” he was like seducing you, luring you to sin with him tonight while you bleed. And you like it.

“Okay” you answered softly. Shy but he knew you’re not that type anymore.

Jaehyun scoop over and went under the covers with you. Giving you that warmth that you need, making your body warm and comfortable, and basically giving everything you want. He intertwines his fingers with you, kissed your knuckles, and then your lips. Softly. Slowly. It’s every girl’s dream kiss. And just like his kiss, his hand creeps under the covers, all the way down until he reaches your thighs and spread one leg to gain access to your hole.

“W-wait. Let me just remove the tampon” shyly you inform him and discarded it quickly under the covers and throw it into the trash bin. Going back to the comfort that Jaeyun is giving you, his hand went back in between your legs and tease your clothed slit the moment you’re back under the covers. Smiling so handsomely and innocently while he lies beside you like he’s not doing something lustful under the covers.

“Do you think this will work-“ and just before you finish your question, Jaehyun ran a finger on your very wet slit which turned him on immediately. He flicked his finger, drawing small circles in your nub and listening to you moan while your grip on the sheets tightens and try your best not to close your legs.

“Do you like this?” his lips were very close to your neck and the way he talks to you was so sultry that even his words can make you moan.

“Mhmm. F-fuck Jae, my clit is sensitive” but your legs say others wise because you spread them even more under the covers and your hips voluntarily move to meet his fingers. When he felt your legs shake and hear your moans become higher than usual, he figured you were close, went on top of you and started to hump your thigh while his hand is inside your now ruined panties reaching deep in your hole making you feel good and over sensitive. Jaehyun grunted so loud and moaned deliciously beside your ear, moving his hips like how he fucks you and you feel his hard cock poke your thigh from the inside of his pants. Soon, Jaehyun came inside his pants and did not care about being embarrassed.

While you were coming down from your high, the man on top of you kept kissing you like you’re all that matters to him. Even though you well know that you’re just fooling yourself.

The night ended with Jaehyun sleeping beside you and further taking care of you after you both cleanup. But you woke up the next day without him beside you and thankfully, Johnny came out of nowhere to rescue you from your ugly thoughts. He came into your room with a cup of coffee and some bread for you, smiling like he has no problems in life and to be honest, you love how he’s always like this.

Since both of you don’t have classes today, you went to the groceries with Johnny and had a nice dinner at a fast food he loves. It felt great. It felt great to be with a guy who’s not Jaehyun. The man always keeps you on your toes and you feel like your head is always in the clouds whenever you’re with him but Johnny, he keeps you grounded.

“Shoot. The landlord is really testing me- he wants the money tonight or else they have to kick us out tomorrow. Fuck!” He says typing aggressively on his phone, telling Jaehyun immediately.

“Were not due until next week why are they doing this to us. We have no choice but to go live then” you said calmly, unbothered as much as possible because you just want this to be over now and move on from Jaehyun.

“You can't. You have your period and Jaehyun is not available- fuck why is he not picking up”

“There are other ways to make a guy cum Johnny. I’m sure you know that” you chuckle and shook your head in disbelief.

“Still, Jaehyun is not answering” he gave up and put down his phone.

“Well you’re available. I just want this to be over Johnny” clearly he didn’t expect you to suggest such a thing. You continue to eat your food in silence and so is the man in front of you. Obviously, he was bothered with what you suggested but it appears that he has no choice. You watch him fidget on his phone, maybe he’s not yet done contacting Jaehyun and still hoping that his friend will end up last minute but...

“Okay” he let a sigh of relief, “I texted Jaehyun that well do it but we're not going to uhm- uh, fuck. Blow job then? No more, no less? A bit of kissing maybe. Tell me what do you want? I’ll be able to do this comfortably if I know that you like what I’m doing to you”

“Hmm. Okay, let’s start by... be gentle with me. You’re a big guy and you know... what I mean”

“I may be big physically but I’m warm on the inside, being gentle is not a problem” he smiles and pour you a glass of water before he asks for the bill. “What else?” he added.

“Touch me, don’t hesitate. If you feel like my jaw needs rest then you can tell me to stop” he nods and told you he will surely not forget about that.

The conversation went on until you reached home and get ready for the live. Unlike Jaehyun who made you feel so nervous the day you had your first live with him, Johnny makes you feel calm and comfortable the whole time.

Now that you’re in front of Johnny, half naked with only your panties and your mask on, everything happened perfectly. It wasn’t perfect but it wasn’t awkward too, and quite frankly you had fun with Johnny. Even though the audience noticed that you’re not with Jaehyun right now, they can’t help but love Johnny’s hot body too and the way he fuck your face gently in front of the camera. Hands cupping both sides of your face as he thrust his long, hard and veiny cock in your mouth. Smiling through the pleasure whenever you purposely swirl your tongue and bob your head aggressively.

After the cum-filled and messy live with Johnny, you wired the money to your landlord immediately and secure the rent for good until the three of you graduates. Now you and Johnny can breathe normally after cleaning up and enjoy the warmth of your bed. “Do you like Jaehyun?” He blurted out, trying not to look at your exposed boobs but you roll your body and face the ceiling and so his efforts went to waste.

“Yeah but I don’t think he likes me enough. Y-you know what I mean” he shook his head to tell you he has no idea about Jaehyun’s intentions with you.

“Just have patience with him if you like him, after all, you’re the only girl that can do this to him”

“Do what?” you ask with eagerness.

“Did you really think that I won't notice you two fucking behind my back?” You laughed at what he said and laughed your shyness away, “but it’s alright. I figured maybe you like each other so I didn’t dare stop you two”

The giggling and laughing with Johnny under the soft light of your lampshade continued until you passed out and Johnny was the one who helped you get dressed. And on the same night, Jaehyun heard and saw you and Johnny laugh over a half closed door. Seeing your bodies close to each other made his blood boil and became jealous in no time. That’s why on the next day, Jaehyun was expressing his anger while you three are gathered in the kitchen. He’s not saying a word, but he kept on closing the cabinets a little too rough while he prepares his meal. Then it hit you, he’s jealous.

You confronted him and went to his room, closed and locked the door so Johnny won't hear the unpleasant conversation you’re about to have with Jaehyun. “Don’t be angry with Johnny, I’m the one who suggested it-“

“Like that’s going to make me feel better Y/n. Get out, you’re wasting your time” he turned his back and proceeds to fix his bed.

“It’s not like we cheated Jae. Were not together” you blurted as calm as possible. Little did you know that you just triggered something in him that makes him want to punch a wall and pour his anger out but he can’t. At least not in front of you. So instead, he shouted at you. So loud that you got scared for a second there.

“You know, I’m always afraid to hurt you but you! You don’t care if you hurt me!”

“Don’t act as if you love me, Jae. You never did. You never even tried!” You shouted back and walked away towards his door, banging it and walked straight to your room with tears in your eyes.

The fight was short but unforgettable.

Later that day, Jaehyun got worried when you didn’t eat lunch and dinner and your door was still locked and he can hear you crying from the other side. He kept on knocking at your door until you got annoyed and unlocked it but you covered yourself with your thick sheets.

“Come on why are you crying? Don’t cry over a stupid guy like me you don’t deserve it. I’m sorry” you feel his embrace and rub your back so you know that he’s sincere. And finally, you removed the sheets but still, you don’t want to look him in the eye.

You have a lot of questions for Jaehyun, and you think now is the perfect time to cry it all out and let him know what he’s doing to you. Why he didn’t text you back the night after you fuck for the first time, why he never ask you out when he promised he would, why he’s jealous all of a sudden.

FLASHBACK (In the middle of junior year)

It was very late already and some crazy person is ringing your doorbell nonstop. This couldn’t be Jaehyun or Johnny obviously they don’t need to ring the doorbell because they live here and they know the code. That’s why you were surprised that Jaehyun is the one ringing it and turns out he is batshit drunk and can’t even remember the code. “Where is Johnny when you need him” you murmur, “Jae, help yourself too. I can’t carry you all the way up to the fourth floor,” you said sternly to the handsome guy clinging on to you, breath smells like alcohol, eyes lidded but can still appreciate your beautiful face.

When you finally carried him successfully back to your place, without any hesitation he puked on your sleepwear and smiled so sweetly at you like he did nothing wrong. You wanted to slap him and wake him from his drunken state but Jaehyun was quick with his hands and unbutton your sleepwear and used it to wipe the small amount of puke on the floor.

You cover yourself with your arms and walked straight to your room and get a clean shirt before you take care of Jaehyun. He was murmuring “sorry” as he sees you walk away from him and weakly sit on the floor with dirty clothes and hope that you will come back to him.

When he sees you all dressed up again with a damped cloth on your hand, he smiled and spread his arms like he’s about to give you a hug. “Why are you acting cute- here hold this while I remove your socks” you hand him the damped cloth and proceed to remove his dirty socks and throw it with your dirty sleepwear. He looks at you lovingly as you wipe his face with the utmost care, looking at your lips and thinking about kissing it but no. He may be drunk but he won’t do that to you.

“Go on a date with me,” he says while you continue to wipe his face and help him take off his hoodie. You giggle and boops his nose before you stand and help him to get on his feet, “try asking me again when you’re sober” you opened his room door and told him to don’t forget to change his pants and greet him good night.

But after a few minutes, you’re all tucked in bed and half asleep already when you feel a pair of arms cage you. You can still smell his breath and figured maybe Jaehyun is clingy like this whenever he’s really drunk, which rarely happens.

“It's so sweet, knowing that you love me. Though we don't need to say it to each other, sweet. Knowing that I love you, and running my fingers through your hair. It's so sweet” he sings a few lines from Sweet by Cigarettes After Sex and smells your hair until his breath tickles your nape.

Sweet. He’s not only clingy while he’s drunk, but he’s sweet too. “I think I like you more when you’re rarely this drunk” you turn your body and faced him. Seeing Jaehyun with sleepy eyes, lips curved in a weak smile, but arms conscious enough to keep you near him.

“Then I’ll get drunk every day if that makes you love me”

But on the next day, he just thanked you for taking care of him and forgot about the date. And on the next few days and following weeks, you hear him fuck different girls and have one night stands every now and then.

BACK TO PRESENT TIME SENIOR YEAR

“I keep on hurting you I’m sorry. Don’t cry, please. I hate that I’m hurting you. This is the reason why I can’t pursue my feelings for you. I’m a mess and I’m not ready”

And just as you thought that this day couldn’t get any worse. It just did. You look at Jaehyun as he tells you the truth and admits his true feelings with you. How he fell in love with you but chose not to pursue his feelings because he’s not ready and you deserve better. And from there you stopped listening to him and told him to leave you alone. Jaehyun was speechless and hopeless, he wanted to explain and express his long bottled feelings for you but you don’t want to.

All this time you thought that it’s you who’s lacking that’s why he can’t even try and ask you out. But now that you know the truth and he would rather make you feel small than swallow his pride and try to make things work with you, well you just can’t be around him anymore.

Graduation is approaching near and your dorm has been quiet ever since you finished paying the rent and Jaehyun got mad because of what you and Johnny did. You look at the quiet place while you eat your instant noodle and reminisce the good days you spent with the two giants who made your college years unforgettable and happy. Actually, they even made your life easier.

Days become even more lonely now that Jaehyun and Johnny became busy with their last requirements and you’ve been alone for a few days now. You wake up without the two boys, go to class or run some errands, they go home but you’re not home, and by the time you arrive home they have shifts to the radio station again.

Today is your birthday and you spend it with some of your classmates which are all sweet and you treat them to dinner. Johnny left a bouquet of flowers on your bed before he left for work, together with a sweet happy birthday card. And Jaehyun… well, let’s just say that maybe he forgot about it because being a graduating student makes you busy.

While you were having a nice dream of Jaehyun singing a happy birthday song to you with a small cupcake in his hand, in reality, he woke you up by patting your head and a kiss on your forehead, whispering ‘I’m sorry’ and kissing your face until you’re awake and what’s happening right now is finally registering in your mind. You wrapped your arms around him and decided to forgive him for being stupid and accept his apology. “Is this for me?” you point at the chocolate cake on the bedside drawer a blew the candle, making your room dark and only the soft light from your window lights up your room.

“What did you wish for” he came closer to you and rests his forehead on yours. Oh you missed his presence, but all you feel right now is the heartbreak and remember what happened a few weeks ago.

“You, Jaehyun” you whisper and closed your eyes, not caring if there are tears in your eyes. You’re not afraid to show him that you ache for him.

“I told you, I can’t-“ you didn’t want to hurt yourself further and listen to those hurtful words so you kissed him and pulled him on top of you.

Everything happened so fast and naturally. You removed your shorts, he was quick to spread your legs and free his hardening cock. Not even bothering to reach for a condom, he fucked you in the dark and whispered “I’m sorry” over and over again that it hurts your ear and your heart so you put your thumb in his mouth and let him suck it good while his thrust was slowly picking up the pace and you hear skin slapping surrounds your room

“Jaehyun-“ you moan his name when you felt that familiar feeling of being on edge but you’re not yet ready to let go. You’re not yet ready to let him go. So you tried with all your might to clench and stop yourself from cumming but what you’re doing to Jaehyun just makes him want to fuck you more.

And so he did.

He covered your mouth not because he didn’t want to let Johnny know that you’re fucking but because he never wants to hear your beautiful moans again. He closed his eyes so he could no longer see your face and dream about you underneath him, and with that, he continues to thrust so harshly that it’s hurting you so good and your grip on his shoulders will surely leave a mark.

Soon you failed and cum before Jaehyun could. You exchanged sharp exhales, gasps, and quiet grunts before he lies beside you and kiss you deeply the whole night. One last time.  

As expected, you woke up alone in your bed with a sore body. You stretched for a few minutes before you got out of bed and head outside to have breakfast. At first, you thought that you will be alone again today but turns out Johnny is free.

“Belated Happy birthday. Did you like the flowers I got you?” he greets you good morning and gave you a bear hug.

“I did. I put it in a vase, it’s in my room. Thank you” now that Johnny is here and you’re not alone eating breakfast, you can’t help but wish for Jaehyun to be here.

“Jaehyun is uhm… working. I can take you out today, let’s have dinner and celebrate your birthday again. What do you say?” he offers excitedly and even showed you a great restaurant from his phone.

When the evening comes and you and Johnny should be out by now but you were having a hard time to chose what to wear, Jaehyun arrived out of nowhere with a girl on his shoulders. Someone not familiar and they’re holding hands.

“I think your friends are going out on a date aren’t they babe?” the girl asks Jaehyun, like she's tying to get his attention but Jaehyun’s eyes are glued on you. Eyes that are very much sorry because he didn’t mean for you to see his new girlfriend after your birthday. So this is why Johnny was rushing you tonight. He didn’t want you to see Jaehyun with his new girlfriend because he knew it will hurt you greatly.

“Y/n-“ Jaehyun called you but you didn’t bother looking back and told Johnny that you’re ready now… even though your earrings don't match with your dress. If he can try and be in a relationship with someone else then what does that make you? Why can’t he try for you?

The night went on, carrying the lie that you’re okay but to be honest, you don’t want to go back to that fucking dorm. Good thing, Johnny was trying so hard to cheer you up and make you forget about what happened. Which is working and for that you’re thankful.

On the same night, you swore to yourself that you will never let Jaehyun into your life again and make you feel small. You will never throw yourself to him again, or even spare a glance and waste your time with the one and only guy whom you allowed to break your heart over and over again. But not anymore.

Jaehyun was nothing but sweet to you and that’s all he’ll ever be.

Five years later

When you came home from work, you caught your boyfriend cooking dinner with a glass of cold wine beside him. You greet him, “hey” and kissed him on the cheek before you wrap your arms around his strong built body.

“Tired? Hows work? I have big news” he says while stirring something from the pan. You told him he could tell the big news first because he looks excited, and so he did. With big smiles and overflowing excitement, he said that “Jaehyun is going to get married and I’m his best man!” you almost let out a laugh but you stopped yourself.

“Mhmm. Guess who’s taking care of the wedding....” you teased him. But just as you burst your boyfriend’s bubble, his reaction was quite unexpected.

“N-no, don’t tell me it’s you” he suddenly stopped cooking, he wasn’t mad. Just shocked at the moment and because of the big news.

“Johnny- Don’t tell me you’re being jealous right now...” you tease him further, “he’s like a college fling baby, and you’re the real deal!” you kiss him on the lips but he’s still sulking and went back to cooking.

“We both know it’s not just a fling” he whines.

“He’s getting married and we’re literally inseparable. What are you so jealous of? You know I saw Jaehyun looked at his fiancé and guess what,”

“What?” he turns off the stove and prepared two plates for dinner which you helped him do.

“He never looked at me that way, but you did” you see a shy smile on his face now and poke his cheek but he's quick to catch your hand and pull you into a hug. The kind of hug only Johnny can provide.

“Sorry, that was so childish of me”

“It’s okay. Dinner looks good, is this a new recipe?”

Soon after dinner, Johnny expresses his apology in bed in many ways he can, making you feel good and treating you right as always until it became too exhausting because you don’t think you could cum anymore after having your fourth…or fifth? To be honest you’re not sure anymore.

But even though you’re tired and exhausted, you still can’t help but reminisce. Throughout the years of forgetting Jaehyun, Johnny has always been patient with you and waited for you to heal from Jaehyun. Johnny brought you to the movies and went out with you while Jaehyun only promised. It's like Jaehyun kept promising you things but Johnny is the one keeping them.

“I thought you’re exhausted?” He kissed your shoulder to bring you back to Earth when he saw you spacing out. “Stop thinking. I’ll marry you too, you know that right?” oh you know that all too well, so you nod and kissed him. Whispered ‘i love yous’ over and over again, and thanked him for being the one for you. It was never easy for both of you, but still, you yearn for each other. Sometimes, love will point us to the wrong person so we could find the right person to us. Yes, Jaehyun was sweet, but Johnny is not only sweet in fact he showed his love to you since day 1.

[cloudninetonine]

HOLY SHIT KAHOOT YES

as for an instrument mc would play, i'd think maybe a harp or lyre. soft, quiet, and fits in relatively well with the other two. if not that, maybe a flute of some kind.

also have more ideas, except mostly blackspace themed so beware. also tried to keep things gender neutral but if a she or her slipped past me im so sorry

- occasionally something will appear behind mc for a split second, or in their shadow. looking at it for too long fills people with crippling fear, the kind one would feel seconds before death.

- mc often experiences delusions. seeing things that aren't there, not seeing things that are, like it's some major cognitive dissonance.

- occasionally the chain will get snippets of their dream, but not enough to make sense of anything.

- in this au, mc is part of sunny's family. in fact, they're twins. now think of how old sunny was when the accident happened. :)))

- instead of basil, mari goes missing in mc's headspace. i will leave you to think about why :)

- mari lives in this au, but besides that things proceed mostly as normal. her parents made her go to college even though she didn't want to leave sunny alone, and although she calls often, theres a clear rift between the two.

- as the chain's journey goes further on, they see more and more of what mc sees, and its frightening. especially, yknow, the imagery of blood and death and monstrous people who look vaguely human screaming at you. (it's implied mc subconsciously thought they were murdered on purpose, rather than involuntary manslaughter. after all, the last words they ever heard weren't exactly kind, even if they were only out of temporary anger.)

- the chain's goal concerning mc is figuring out what's tying them here and helping them move on. gets a bit more complicated once the whole murder thing comes out. yikes.

- in faraway, basil is kinda like aubrey now. angry at the friend group, simultaneously guilty and enraged and in denial about what happened. was the first to leave the group because he couldn't bear to see the face of mc's killer, which aubrey got on his case about. they hate eachother.

- hero didn't fall into catatonia- it was paranoia and repression, which is infinitely worse in ways i won't describe. instead, it was kel who was hit with the depresso train and then switched coping mechanisms to toxic positivity, as he was scared of hero lashing out. sunny is still in dreamy land, staunchly in denial of what happened. despite not doing anything, he still thinks of himself as the guilty party.

- the chain starts piecing together that they were murdered pretty early, but nobody knew how.

- there will be a scene where they witness mc's death. why? because i like traumatizing my favorite fictional characters.

- the details of the coverup are unknown, but sunny and basil are only witnesses here, and had nothing to do with mc's death beyond seeing it happen.

- the chain also enters headspace more in their dreams, until blackspace happens. thats when everything starts to unravel, and mc's mindscape is just as, if not uglier than canon sunny's. being murdered does that to you.

- while mc doesn't have the fear of drowning or spiders, they do have claustrophobia and nyctophobia. latter from the accident (it was dark in the house when it happened, and they couldn't see where the stairs were), and the former from another experience.

and last but not least, the one that will drive you bonkers:

mc was still alive after they fell.

- mold

Alright, this makes so sense to me and I'm kinda bridge between you and Kahoot atm so

KAHOOT GET YOUR ARSE DOWN HERE