#im just really tired of hating my own body and feeling like everyone wants to be an ally but no one wants to put in the work

[ratboy]

cis ppl get so mad at t4t relationships bc they couldn't fathom wanting to date a clocky trans person. they want someone who fits neatly into Woman or Man and that's the end of it. but that isn't what being trans is about for a lot of us. it's about the fuzzy edges and not existing within either and also both categories. it's about learning to love that ambiguity and embracing it and finding other trans people who embrace it within themselves and you rather than try and smooth out all the wrinkles and edges.

[buuniebaby]

your first time with hamzah 🙈🙈

THERE’S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING. 🎀

includes: losing your virginity, awkward sex talk, very sweet sex ! 💝

word count 3.2k purr

you’re too tired for this.

you and hamzah are becoming sleep deprived, something you usually do together: come over to each others houses, watch a movie, eat food your stomach will regret in the morning. it’s been a tradition since you guys were just friends.

even now as you’re dating, it still feels.. the same. not that you’re complaining; you love having a partner who’s also a best friend to you. it just feels like there should be some sort of change, but you can’t put your finger on it.

it’s 2 in the morning now. you and hamzah have watched about 3 shitty 2000s movies, enjoying every moment of each one. your brain feels absolutely fried, and you can only imagine his is as well.

“are you a virgin?” hamzah spoke suddenly, but also casually. a little too casually. you choke on your own spit at that, face turning red with embarrassment.

“…what?” is all you can reply back. “what- why?” you say, eyebrows furrowing at him. your voice has noticeably pitched up.

“i dunno. just tell me.” hamzah says, rolling his eyes. you hate how confident and sassy he is, but you’re also sort of attracted to it.

“you’re so weird.” you practically squeal, jokingly. you grab onto a pillow as you fall back first onto the bed. “why do you even wanna know? that’s so like, random.” you ask, more genuine this time.

“i guess,” hamzah starts, but then pauses, almost as if he doesn’t know the answer himself.

“i was just kinda thinking. like, we don’t really talk about sex, ever. and we don’t have to- I don’t wanna bring it up if you’re uncomfortable. I’m just like, curious if you’d be down to talk about it.” he rambles, making up his words as he goes. you furrow your brows as he speaks, still kind of confused. you know there had to be something that started it, you just aren’t sure what.

“oh. well like,” you flush, sort of embarrassed to admit what you’re about to say. “yeah, i am.”

“a virgin?” hamzah asks, head tilting like a lost puppy.

“yes, idiot. what else would i be talking about?” you reply back sarcastically.

“you’re right, you’re right,” he banters with you. “I just- I guess I’m surprised.”

you perk back up, sitting yourself upright again.

“surprised.. that im a virgin?” you question, raising an eyebrow.

“i guess.. i dunno. I just feel like you’re like, too pretty to not have found someone who wants you like that.” he rambles. you feel a blush creep onto your cheeks again, knowing he’ll always praise you for your pretty face.

“i mean, I’ve found a lot of people who want me,” you say, rolling your eyes at the thought of a particular ex. “I’m just like, picky, I guess.” your giggling as hamzah somewhat laughs with you, but you watch as his facial expression starts to falter. you know something’s on his mind.

“do you want to?” is all he mutters. again, he keeps this quiet, casual tone that you rarely see with him.

“i mean, yeah, kinda. I just like, don’t know where to start I guess.” you answer honestly. “feels like everyone’s way more experienced than i am anyways.” hamzah turns over to you, looking in the eye. you feel him think for a second, as if he doesn’t know whether he should let his thoughts out or not.

“well, I don’t really have experience either.” he mutters back, scoping for a negative reaction from you. your eyes widen a bit, and he doesn’t know if he should take your body language negatively or positively.

“you’re a virgin too?” you ask, a more shy tone than usual.

“..yeah. well I’ve done like- stuff. just like, never had sex. never had my penis like, in there, y’know-“

“you don’t need to go into detail.” is all you have to say, talking over him.

“-but i would go all the way with you.”

that’s all you remember from that night before blacking out, yet somehow the short memory haunts your mind. it’s eating you up inside, the thought of losing your virginity after so long to him.

you’ve seen all the edits and thirst traps of him online and can admit that they’ve made you feel some type of way about him - hell, you’ve touched yourself to the idea of your boyfriend too. yet for some reason, the thought of actually having sex with him was never really a priority to you. it’s not until now you’ve understood people’s cravings for sex, but god can you feel it now.

you’re making breakfast the next morning while his hands are around your waist and all you can think of is that conversation. when you help him with editing throughout the day, leaning over his shoulder, all you can think about is him having you bent over like that in a different context. you feel like you’re in a haze almost, clouded by the thought of hamzah.

“baby?” hamzah asks, waving a hand in front of your face in an attempt to get your attention. you perk up and face him, slightly embarrassed for spacing out.

“i was just gonna ask if you wanted me to order something for lunch.” he says casually, but his face begins to fade into an expression between concerned and confused. “you okay?”

“what?!” you reply, scrambling at bit as you didn’t think he would pick up on your behavior. “im fine. what do you mean??” you question; rapidly.

“you’ve just been like, really spaced out today. i get like that, where i like dissociate sometimes when something reallyyy bad happens. so i just wanted to make sure.” he rambles a bit, genuine concern in your eyes. despite the horniness driving your body right now, you do feel a bit warmed by the way he cares for you.

“you can always talk to me if something’s up, y’know-“

“did you mean it?” you ask, staring at him blankly.

“mean… what?” he stares back at you, looking at you like you just killed a man in front of him.

“what you said last night. that you’d like- y’know..” you look down shyly, hiding in your hair as a warm blush creeps onto your face.

“that I would..?” hamzah looks at you, genuinely clueless.

“lose it to me hamzah. have sex with me. loose your virginity.” you look up at him, speaking sternly. you’re a little too pent up to take his stupidity today.

you watch as his expression changes, going from confused to something you can’t even put a name on. a mix of shocked, embarrassed, amused - but most prominently, you watch that urge crawl up into his body. you can tell in his eyes that he wants you in the same way you crave him.

“yeah.” he says, breathy. “i want that. like, now though? or like later, what are we doing-“

his words are cut off as your lips land on his. he gasps into the kiss, caught by surprise. you try and swipe your tongue against his slightly parted lips, but he pulls away before you can get it anywhere significant.

you look at him concerned after he pulls away, taking a second to breathe.

“have you like- kissed anyone before?” he asks, and you can tell he’s serious. you giggle a little.

“yes, ive kissed before.” you say, a little smile still formed on your face. “buuut..” you drag on your words to edge him on a bit.

“ive only made out with someone once, and i can already tell you’re the better kisser.” you say, slyly. he likes it when you boost his ego like this - he’s already proud of himself for pulling you, so you make him feel like some sort of greek god.

he smirks before he pulls you into another kiss, this time pressing his lips to yours a lot firmer. it’s more intense this time around, a hand cupping the side of your face, holding you in place for him as his tongue glides inside your mouth.

you kiss until you physically can’t anymore, pulling back when you need a break for air. there’s an awkward silence before he kisses you again, putting his hands on your waist sometimes. you’re taken aback a bit as he lifts you in the air.

your immediate reaction is to hook your legs onto something, hamzah just being the nearest option, of course. your legs wrap around him, straddling his hips. you arms are grabbing onto his shoulders gently. he’s strong enough to hold you without support, but you like the physical aspect of clinging onto him like a koala.

he reaches the room, fumbling with the doorknob as he struggles to lift you at the same time. he kicks the door closed softly behind him when he eventually gets in there. he drops you in the middle of the bed, body landing gracefully.

you sit yourself up into a more comfortable position, and hamzah sits himself right next to you. it’s here when you realize how comfortable you are around him, even if you’re about to reach a life milestone you can never take back with him.

but fuck, you’re never gonna be able to take this back. the anxiety crawls back up into your brain for a second, but the feeling of hamzah’s hand on your thigh relaxes you. a single look into his eyes and you’re already reassuring yourself again. you’re not gonna want to take this back, because god, you love this boy.

“have you ever-“ hamzah pauses mid sentence, stuttering. he does this when he doesn’t know what words to use; it’s one of his mannerisms that you’ve picked up a little yourself over time. “like, felt anyone up? or like- dry hump them, I guess.” he says. you feel him cringe a bit at his own words - he gets embarrassed easily.

“not really,” you say. a smirk creeps onto your face as you have an idea. “but you could show me how.”

hamzah’s eyes widen a bit as his hand moves from your thigh to your waist. he picks you up again like it’s nothing, sitting you down on his lap. his hands massage your waist, moving up briefly past your chest. he runs at your collarbone for a minute, staring at your clothed breasts.

“can i take this off?” he asks in a low voice, toying with the fabric at your shoulders. you bite your lip as you give him a nod, and before you know it whatever garment was covering you before is gone.

“fuckkk,” is all hamzah lets out before a hand is cupping your chest, squeezing at your soft and fleshy skin. instinctively, you push your chest into his hands. you let out a soft noise as he rolls one of your nipples between his fingers.

he’s fully hard now, and you can feel it straining against you. you can tell he’s trying to keep his hips still, not wanting to get worked up too fast.

his hands leave one side of your chest as his mouth attaches to your other nipple. you can’t help but moan at the feeling of him suckling at it. he pulls of for a second, and you can feel his hands fumbling with the fabric of your bottoms for a second.

“take this off for me?” he pleads in a sweet tone, and you can tell he’s starting to get needy. you comply, of course, leaving you in just your underwear. you don’t want to be the only one undressed though, so you shimmy his pants down a bit and get his shirt off too.

you’re left in both just underwear - a weird feeling. there’s not a lot of fabric separating your crotch and hamzah’s, so when he bucks his hips up into yours it feels good. he ducks down to kiss you again, chest pressing to yours, and god, you feel like you’re in heaven. there’s heat burning through your body as your bare skin touched his.

his hands are on your hips as you grind against him, the thin material of his boxers straining against his cock. he reaches down to rub you through your underwear, eliciting a moan as you hide his head in your shoulder.

he stops your grinding for a second, a hand trailing up your thigh. he uses it to spread your legs wide, causing you to make a small noise. he pulls your panties to the side, showing off what he’s wanted all this time.

he’s already settling lower, head balance with your hips, and now you’re nervous. it’s your first time being touched like this - probably his too, and it’s scary. you close your eyes when you feel him plant a kiss on your hip, teasing you. he continues to kiss around, even guiding a hand back up to play with your chest, but it’s not enough.

“please,” you whimper, begging for more stimulation. hamzah takes it as a sign you’re ready, and before you know it, you’re squirming again.

he presses just a single finger inside you, scoping how much you’re able to take. your stomach flips as you feel him spread you open. he adds another finger once the first one is in knuckle deep, then begins to curl them inside of you. you whimper at the feeling as his fingers excel in speed, working you open.

“hamzah- fuck.” you whine, letting out an especially sharp gasp at the feeling of his fingers hitting that spot.

“yeah?” he asks, playfully, curling his fingers to hit the same spot. your pelvis thrusts up at the movement, only motivating him to go further. his hands are so fucking big and he’s so strong when he thrusts his fingers up into you. it burns in the best way possible.

“ah- hamzah!” you squeal, squirming around. you whine when you feel him pull away from him; you were so, so close to finishing. you look up at him and whimper, a sad expression plastered across your face.

“didn’t want you to cum yet,” hamzah mutters under his breath. “not done with you.”

you flush red, his words washing over your body in a hot wave. suddenly hamzah is moving, pulling down his boxers, and god his dick is big. you can’t help but whine at how badly you want it inside you.

“so noisy.” he mumbles, lining his cock up with your folds and sliding the tip between them. you only whine more at his teasing.

“hamzahh,” you complain, eager for him to stop teasing you and just put it in.

“mhm?” he replies, edging you on. he strokes himself a bit, acts as if he’s going to put it in, but then doesn’t. he knows what he’s doing and you hate it. “need something, baby?”

he’s so mean, making you beg.

“I need it so bad, hamzah, pleeasee-“ you beg, desperate. you don’t care how humiliating it is now, you need him.

“need what, baby?” he asks, obviously only to get a reaction out of you. you sigh, but you know what you need to do.

“fuck me, hamzah. i need you - your cock.” you beg, no - demand, firmly.

hamzah doesn’t stall once he’s gotten what he wants. he’s done with the teasing, pressing his tip into you. you let out a shaky moan - it hurts a little when he slides in, like ripping off a bandaid.

“hamzah- hurts.” is all the words you can get out. his hips still inside of you, waiting for you to take a breath before he continues.

“it’s okay baby. gonna feel better once I’m all the way in.” he mutters, caressing your cheek with the hand that isn’t holding him up. he wasn’t lying - it’s painful as he slides himself into you, stretching you out, but once your hip-to-hip with him there’s a comfortable peace to the feeling.

you two lay in that position for a minute, feeling the warmth of connection between your bodies. it’s a soft, loving touch - you feel safe in his arms.

“s’okay if i move now?” he whispers to you, keeping a gentle tone. at the end of the day, he’s here to take care of you.

“yeah. thank you.” you say, genuinely grateful for his patience. you remind yourself that it’s his first time doing this too; you’re not alone in your anxiety.

you clutch onto his shoulders as he nearly pulls out, cock sliding out of you to the tip, then slams back into you.

“h-hamzah!” you whimper, clawing your nails at his back. he keeps a similar pace, thrusting into you deep. even hamzah makes a small noise at the feeling of being inside you, hips stuttering against yours. the sound of skin slapping together and breathy moans fills the room.

you wrap your arms and legs around hamzah as he continues to thrust into you, clinging to him.

“so pretty.” he says, looking down at you. “there’s a reason- fuck- i wanted to fuck you in missionary. pretty face.” he stutters, moving a hand to caress your face. you can’t say anything else but whimper at him, overstimulated from a combination of his thrusts and his words.

you feel a tight feeling build in your stomach, almost like a coil nearing its breaking point. you clench around him, legs beginning to shake.

“aah- hamzah! fuck-“ you practically scream, rolling your hips up into his one last time before you orgasm. he just stares at you, slowing the roll of his own hips, in awe.

you notice as his pace slows after you catch your breath, looking up at him almost disappointed.

“what’re you doing?” you mumble, voice worn out.

“you finished, i don’t wanna-“ he begins to ramble, but you cut him off.

“keep going.” you say firmly.

“huh?”

“want you to cum too.” you say, voice still soft and tired. you roll your hips up into him, still sensitive. he nods, pushing back into you.

he continues to thrust into you rougher and rougher until his hips are slapping against yours with every thrust. every little noise you make turns him on more, until finally, he forces himself to pull out of you.

he strokes himself on top of you, a string of cum landing on your stomach. he’s panting as he finishes all over you, painting your stomach white. you smile at the scene, enjoying the was he’s made you his little art piece.

he collapses next to you, laying on his back, catching his breath.

“glad i waited.” you mumble. he turns over to you, looking into your eyes.

“waited for what?” he asks, tiredly tilting his head.

“like, to have sex. m’glad I waited until you.” you mumble, tiredness apparent in your voice. hamzah thinks his heart melts a little at your words.

he grabs a tissue off of his bedside table and wipes the cum off of you so that he can pull you into his arms, dragging the covers over your body.

“i’m glad i waited for you too.”

[mayormaynotbefrankie]

More shadow milk headcannons because I love him he's been roaming around my brain consistently since his appearance

His eyes glow in the dark. If you're in a room with him at night/in a dark room with him his eyes will give off a faint blue and cyan glow.

His hair is somewhat conscious, it can actually move on it's own so if he says his hairs messy because it has a mind of its own he technically isn't lying (for once) and if he feels threatened or upset can wrap around him to make him feel more secure.

The eyes in his hair is an illusion to make himself more intimidating which he uses for manipulation purposes, buuuuttt he can summon eyes he can actually see out of.

He can actually see very well in the dark, he likes dark places because it's easier to mess with people in the dark if they can't see him or so that's how he feels.

Doesn't sleep often but when he does sleep he sleeps for LOOONNGGGG (he's really active which tires him out but because it takes forever for his brain to shut off he's constantly hyper and thinking about so many things at once)

He can actually sing really well and likes to show it off, he can hold high notes for an extremely long time too.

He HATES loud noises and gets extremely angry when someone makes a loud noise but he's okay with his own screaming and loudness. (he's definitely a hypocrite)

He has autism but doesn't know. Just thinks he's very particular. (If you watch the story you can tell he's got something. He struggles with his emotions, lack of empathy, and his reactions to things are often very extreme. He's also very creative which can be a sign of it as people with it may show differences in imaginative play and creativity. He also seems to be very stubborn which Is also a sign. Also I'd like so say I'm autistic myself I've been professionally diagnosed and after my diagnosis I've done alot of research and I know the lack of empathy might sound stereotypical but that's just what I noticed about him, autism can look different on everyone. I just wanted to get it out there so it doesnt seem like i just did a quick google search then started pulling things out my ass.)

He doesnt like people touching him (only in a few areas, hands are okay but basically everywhere else he HATES especially stomach, if he trusts you mabye he'd let you) but touches everyone else without any permission just because "he can" but if anyone did that to him it would be the end of the world (again with him being a hypocrite)

He will sit there and play with his puppets for hours just making up a plot as he goes along. And also he's very possessive over his things, another symptom of autism

I ran out of headcannons 😿

(IM BACK TO ADD ON MORE NOW THAT ITS MORNING BC I REMEMBED YOU CAN EDIT POSTS AND I DONT NEED TO MAKE A SEPERATE ONE)

Hes a cat person and he doesnt really like dogs. He finds cats graceful and thinks that dogs are too friendly which annoys him

The tips of his fingers are black but fades out to his blue skin tone. He also has claws that are black but he can't really use them to like peirce skin only scratch (he can scratch quite deep though)

He feels very cold to the touch but places of his body that are meant to be the warmest like under his arms and abdomen are lukewarm.

He has fangs and the rest of his teeth are pointed. He has normal molars for chewing though.

He talks to himself and constantly makes noise, he's either sick, somethings wrong, or hes asleep if he's not making any noise at all. He even talks as he's falling asleep but doesn't sleep talk

If you leave something with him you'll get it back with bite marks all over it. He loves biting things and people (pure vanilla is the main victim of his biting fixation)

[creepzkilla]

CRAFTED BY GOD .ˢᵃᵗᵒʳᵘ ᵍᵒʲᵒ

(.｡*☆) --synopsis god complex! gojo just loves using his hands on you...

(.｡*☆) --warning fem reader! god complex gojo, nsfw, fingering, praise, over stim, oral (fem receiving)

(.｡*☆) --author notes im not really into JJk rn but i couldn't get this out of my head 🤔-- NOT PROOF READ

(.｡*☆) -- HC gojo has scars on his hands!1!11! and i feel like he's lowkey insecure abt it??/? but when he sees his fingers disappear into your cunt-- he goes fucking feral ��🤭

--(IT’S ALMOST AS IF GOJO'S HANDS ARE CRAFTED BY GOD HIMSELF. Long slender fingers that hit all the right places, palms soft to the touch, perfect in any sense, even if they are decorated in scars. Gojo’s hands have always been your favorite, regardless of the marks that he hates so much. Yet, he always seemed to love his hands as he watched his fingers disappear into your cunt. Call him a hypocrite, but he loves them when he’s able to push you to no return as only his name leaves your lips in broken moans. 

It almost hurts how bad you’ve been overstimulated. Your body, completely shaking from your 3rd orgasm, covered in sweat and your own fluids as your senses were still being stimulated. Broken whimpers and moans spilled from your lips from the extreme pleasure, so much so that you could barely even comprehend what was going on. Although the familiar feeling of being stretched out and pleased was the only thing that you could, in fact, comprehend.

And you love it.

Gojo's fingers slid in and out of your sopping cunt with ease. The tips of his fingertips, hitting all the right places and angles as they curl inside your tight walls. It felt like a blessing from god, in a way, he is your god. It was a blessing how well his slender fingers fit your insides so well and how his other fingers played with your sensitive bud of nerves. You were broken from the pleasurable night, your skin felt like it was on fire with every thrust of his finger, by now you could barely keep your eyes open with the tiredness setting in. But he wouldn’t give you a break… 

It was tiring, finishing on his fingers over and over, as he sat back and watched in enjoyment with a lazy smile on his face. His piercing blue eyes are half-lidded with lust and entertainment, his eyes tracking his fingers every time they pistoned in and out of your cunt. The pleasure you felt was overwhelming, yet you wanted—needed more of what he was giving you. You, a sobbing, pathetic mess while he remains unscathed. All he longed for at the moment was to continue gazing at you. 

“Hmm, you look so cute stuffed with my fingers.” He praised evidently as your moans were muffled by your palm to contain them. Gojo watched in amusement as you persisted in being silent, however, failed continuously for whining was all you could do. “You look tired, do you want to continue?” He asked while slowing down his movements till he heard an answer. His voice was sincere and quiet, filled with concern in wanting to know if you wanted to resume the night. 

Like the person you were, always aching to be with him, all you could do was squirm pitifully and nod persistently, wanting to partake in what was to come. 

“Are you sure?” For even after everyone that isn’t close with him knows him to be, he was a different person from you. Deep down inside, he had a heart made of golden honey, and you wanted to relish it. His icy-blue eyes bored into you, making you shiver at how they drilled holes into your soul. You looked at him with lust-filled eyes, desperately wanting everything he had to offer, even the twisted parts that he buried down below the layers of walls he’s built up.

He took your look as a sign of approval and dove his calloused fingers back into your dripping heat. His fingers stretched you out perfectly as a handful of mewls spilled from your lips. You could only squirm under his touch as his finger curled inside your gummy walls that made your back arch. Your moans bounce off the walls of the room as the tight knot arises in your stomach, clenching around your lover’s fingers. Gojo could only look down with a smirk as he gazed over your pathetic body. You were close, but he was far from done with you.

After all, you best obey, he is your god after all.

[maximoffromanoffs]

You’ll always be my baby

Even now that others class me as an adult, to my family, I'll always be the 'little one". In some situations I hate it. I mean when we're at one of stark's many parties and everyone's acting like it's too late for me to be out and not in bed.. it gets super annoying.

Now don't get me wrong I love them all, so so so much. But they're so protective over me since I'm the 'baby' that it gets annoying sometimes.

I've not been feeling so social lately, after coming in from school I kind of disappear into my room and only leave if I really need to. I just can't be bothered, I can keep putting up a front so I don't want to see anyone. Is that realistic? No. But it's not going to stop me trying.

As soon as I step into the compound I'm headed for my room once again. This time I pass Natasha, Wanda and Steve who are sitting in the living room, and once I walk past I try to force a smile on my face, not entirely sure what it looked like to them, today was particularly tiring. I'm sure my eye bags are very much present and my hairs thrown up into an incredibly messy bun. But I don't really care anymore.

Before I can walk out of the room, someone's hugged me tightly from behind. I only notice who it is when a long strand of red hair falls over. Wanda pulls me back with her until I'm seated between her and Nat with Steve next to Wanda.

I try to get up but then Wanda just pulls me down onto her lap and holds me tightly, resting her head on my shoulder. I keep a straight face, honestly not wanting to show them any emotion, even when she repeatedly kissed my cheek trying to get me to smile, I just can't. She gives up but still keeps tight hold of me asking "what's up, sweet pea?". I don't respond so she pulls me back a little so her cheek can rest against my own, mumbling a "huh" as she sways our bodies.

I try wriggle out of her tight hold, I'm not a baby anymore, I need to prove I'm not a baby anymore. I'm sick of people at school making fun of me for how the rest of the team treat me like I'm incapable and just a stupid child. I'm sick of people commenting on how incompetent I must be.

Wanda tries to calm me down whispering in my ear "woah calm down sweet pea you're okay, it's okay, I've got you, just calm down my love". The way she tries to sway me like you would a baby pushes me over the edge with my anger and I start swinging my arms to get out of her hold.

After only a few seconds though , Nat grabs hold of my arms, and pulls me into her grip instead, where she stands and carries me upstairs to her room, uttering a quiet "don't worry about it, I'll sort it" to Wanda and Steve who she leaves in the living room.

Nat feels so much stronger than Wanda as it's practically impossible to get out of her iron grip she has on me. That doesn't stop me from throwing a fit, genuinely like a two year old, and hitting her back and kicking my legs to try get her to stop carrying me again LIKE A BABY. IM NOT A BABY.

She doesn't even say anything in response, she's simply moves one arm to under my legs to keep them still and does her best to keep my arms from hitting her. In about 10 minutes, which took her way longer to get me upstairs than it should have, we reach her room.

I've actually never been in here, sure she's been in my room a couple of times but I've never come in here.. the others say she's super private about her room. They say she likes her own space to help her feel safe. I calm down thinking about this, just as she lays me down. Nat places the blanket over me as I snuggle into her pillow and inhale her scent, making me feel more comfortable and calm.

After some time of just laying there calming down, I look over to see Nat sat on a sort of rocking chair in the corner of the room. After a couple minutes she notices my gaze is on her and gives me a little smile before asking "you okay now?". I just turn around so I'm facing the wall, not wanting to talk.

I hear her sigh and some shuffling before a weight behind me dips the bed. She gently stroked my back whispering "hmm,  you okay", I shrug this time in response. Then she asks "hey what's up baby?". I used the love that name, lots of the others calls me it too. I am the baby of the group. But now that I'm being made fun of by people at school I don't like it anymore. I suddenly shout at her "I AM NOT A BABY".

I see her jump and her eyes glaze over a little, not expecting the sudden scream from me. Before she starts slowly nodding her head but still looks super confused. "Honey... I know you're not a baby, I um.. well...", hearing her stutter I instantly feel bad, so I turn around to face her and subconsciously place my hand right by hers.

We just sort of stare into each others eyes for a few minutes, in an incredibly intimate moment for the two of us. Then Nat takes a deep breath and explains "so I know everyone else on the team kinda adopted that name for you because I mean you're the little one of the team, so it seemed fitting. I um.. suppose it's come to feel like you're my um daughter... in a way and so it seemed right for me. But I'm not going to call you it anymore, it's clear you don't like it and I was stupid to think that anyway".

I give a little shake of my head and whisper "I just don't want people to think I'm a baby".

N: "Ba.. hon I, we don't think you're a baby.."

Y: "No but they do"

N: "Who does?"

Y: Mutters "people at school"

"Oh sweetheart, people can be horrible for no good reason. I bet those people don't have anyone who treats them like we treat you and so they're jealous of that. Don't let their comments get in the way of you and us. Just talk to us, and let us help you. We all want what's best for you, lovely". She says this while stroking my face, going from my cheeks to my nose and my eyebrows.

My eyes glaze over again at her words and I see she pouts at me, before opening her arms to offer a hug. I don't move feeling guilty, as a tear rolls down my face. She wastes no time reaching forward and pulling me practically onto her lap, holding me tight as my head rests on her shoulder. I cling to the back of her shirt, letting her hold me for a moment.

That's until I gasp, and she kisses my temple asking "what baby?" And I mumble "was so mean to wanda", I feel Nat nod her head, "maybe a little, but she'll understand my love. should we go see her?", I give a subtle nod again, and let out a squeak when Nat just stands up holding me, Instead of putting me down. I hear her chuckle at my reaction, as she stares at me for a moment then whispers "you'll always be my baby", kissing my cheek a couple of times. I blush at her actions, and continue to let her carry me back down to wanda.

Once we get to the living room she puts me down, and I stumble over to wanda with my head down. She looks up from her phone in concern and pulls me to sit in front of her this time, which I note is different to usual because of my reaction before so I start to tear up once again. She also refrains from asking me what's wrong again, so I mutter a quiet "I'm really sorry wanda", before glancing up at her. She frowns cupping my face and shaking her head a little "can I hold you now?", I instantly nod my head, so she pulls me onto her lap again, into the same position as before snuggling her cheek against my own.

Nat comes and kneels in front of me asking "tell you what, shall we have a girls night tonight?", I give an excited nod, making both girls laugh at me as Wanda shifts slightly to press kisses to my cheek, then Nat leans to kiss my other cheek, their actions making me giggle until they eventually stop.

I turn my head looking from Nat to Wanda until I say "thank you both, for everything.. I love you so so much",

Nat replies for the both of them "we love you too, baby, so so so much".

[nekropsii]

i think theres a really big issue in the community specifically surrounding the people who headcanon dave as some sort of trans where both sides of the coin seem to hate each other? like both sides are at fault here, ive seen blogs demeaning people who like transmasc dave and then like you said other people just completely disregarding transfem dave. guys. can we stop. let people headcanon what they want without blatantly attacking them, this goes for all parties in this issue. i dont get why people act like this. the fuck happened to all trans people being equal and then we get both transmisoginy and harassment of people liking either of the trans headcanons?

jesus man. im tired of it

Respectfully, I do not think this is a “Both Sides” situation.

The concept of transmasc Dave is objectively one of the most popular headcanons in the Homestuck fandom, and it has been for years. I think I can excuse people who headcanon transfem Dave for “hating it”, because as I have been trying to fucking say this entire time, people keep correcting me on my own posts about transfem Dave on my own blog, and belittling me for thinking this way. And since I’ve asked people to maybe interrogate why they feel the need to correct me and patronize me and to stop fucking doing that, I’ve been getting inundated with people trying to mansplain and traumadump to me how me saying to not correct me and patronize me for having a transfem headcanon is oppressing them and that trans men also have it bad, as if I literally ever insinuated that they do not have it tough.

You do not get to “Both Sides” me on a discussion about my experience when I have never - and I mean NEVER - received this level of heat for headcanoning a character as literally anything else. I have NEVER gotten “corrected” for headcanoning a character as gay, or transmasculine, or black, or a lesbian - only now, when I headcanon a character as a trans woman, am I getting people correcting me, condescending me, telling me some really fucking personal traumas to explain to me I’m “in the wrong” for being upset about the correction and condescension, very obviously making assumptions about my sex, gender, and what I’ve been through in my life, making negative assumptions about my intelligence, and putting a fuck ton of words in my mouth.

I am speaking from my own experience here. I am sorry if that hurts anyone’s feelings, but that much cannot be taken from me. From my experience, this is not “Both Sides”, this is very clearly one side with far greater numbers giving another flack for not assimilating, and when that other side tries to say what’s going on, they’re treated as an aggressor, and treated like a petulant idiot child.

Before anyone puts any more words in my god damn mouth:

I literally never said no one could HC Dave as transmasculine, or that they were wrong for thinking that way. I have outright said the opposite, that it is fine and that I do not care. HOWEVER, I sure as hell am experiencing people telling me that I am wrong for HCing her as a woman.

I literally never, and I mean NEVER, said or insinuated that trans men do not suffer, especially under the patriarchy. I am not an idiot, I know how the patriarchy works, it hurts literally everyone that doesn’t conform to an incredibly, incredibly narrow white non-queer cishetero male ideal. I am also not an idiot, I know that transphobia will exist no matter what you identify as, and it will suck absolute horseshit. Neither “side” has it “easy”, every type of transphobia has an uncomfortably, terrifyingly high body count. I never fucking said trans men do not have it hard. Stop putting those words in my mouth.

Literally all I said was that it’s fucking weird that I’ve never been treated this way until I headcanoned a character as a trans woman, and maybe to interrogate that because people sure seem comfortable acting this way, and that-

This is Transmisogyny.

And if there’s anything else I’ve learned from this, it’s that-

HIT DOGS HOLLER.

[tears-grow-gardens]

TW- ed rant

This is my first ever tumblr post. Normally I'm just a wall flower, sitting quietly in the tumblr corner reading other peoples posts and thoughts hoping to feel less alone in my own mind. I'm not even sure what I want to say but for the past 4 years I have struggled with my eating, some days are really bad and other days it's just like an itch, like I know all the rules, fear and guilt that has stained me but I feel stronger not to let it win. 2-3 years ago I was at my worst, I was in my 3rd year of University, I had lost all hope and drive in my life and I let everything crumble through my fingers, I was failing classes, isolating from everyone, loosing sight of my dreams and what mattered to me. I don't know who was holding the wheel to my life but I felt I had lost control with all of it. I didn't know how to change or help myself, I was so tired of always feeling like a failure to myself and everyone around me. I had been dealing with depression and anxiety for so long and serious case of undiagnosed ADHD and all these feeling felt so permanent, like they would never go away, so I turned to something I felt I could control, which was food. There was nothing I hated more in the world than myself, my body, my face, the way that I believed people saw me. I hated every inch of who I was. I thought that if i could control what went in i would get the results I've always wanted and maybe even get to like the way I look. And the results came, it felt so good to be able to get something right, like for the first time in my life I didn't feel like a complete failure. The feeling of hunger gave me power, how I didn't have to say words to people that I was hurting inside because they could see it from the outside. Wake up, look in the mirror, walk, workout, coffee, walk, coffee, porridge, starve, walk, mirror, bed. This was my life but fortunately or unfortunately I was sniffed out like a rat from one of my house mates who confronted me, it felt like I was standing there naked and exposed with all my secrets written on my skin. After that I felt I had to change, I felt watched and analysed with every move I made. My weight goals put into a box, I tried to make amends with my body and mind but from the years to follow the voices never left my head. Sometimes the voices are merely a whisper and other days the voices are so loud it feels like everyone else can hear them too. Now here I am on tumblr 4 years later writing to say I have relapsed, not that I think I ever recovered but more I was idle with temptation to destroy myself and now I'm back, born again to hack my body to pieces. Ive found myself almost everyday purging in the bathroom, even if its been a normal, healthy meal. I just want to crawl out of my skin and shrink into nothing. I don't want to die and I don't want to live like this but i feel years of rage within me of unnoticed pain that I want to scream to the world and let them know. I have dreams and I want them to exist one day as true but I don't know how I'll ever rid myself of these dark paralysing thoughts. I'm so tired of feeling unloved and lonely, in my 22 years of life I have never known what it is or what it feels like when someone choses to love you. Im so convinced by my own hatred for myself that I believe everyone else sees me the way I do. The toxic thing is, is that I want this for myself, I want the hunger in sanctuary of starving, I want to feel small and fragile and i want people to worry, i want them to say "she's lost weight", while they ponder on how hurt I must be to have lost myself this far.

Anyway enough for one day. idk if anyone reads these long word vomit tumblr posts but thank you if you've read this far and welcome to my fkd up mind.

[faru-itsok]

This is a little post regarding today spoilers and revelations.

Well it ended up not being so little but… little opinion

Please don't take it bad is just a wish?

Here we go

Guys im am well aware that is sad to lose a ship to family bond or forced partner. But you can still ship it, canon divergence is a thing! Even tho these franchise exploit a bit the Yaoi coupling to gain more fans, we all know from the get going who is going to end up with whom in this series. Gosho had made it clear in a number of occasions what his intentions regarding the couples are, we can like it or not. But that it's no excuse to Hate on him, or in other fans, no body is holding you hostage to enjoy this series and to say that you were mislead is goinga bit too far? I mean we all knew.

I have my own experiences accepting that my ship is not and will never be canon 🥲 and ye is sad but that hasn't stoped me from keep liking the ship or the series, also i kept writing and creating for them because as long as we like it is fine.

This new revelation is not a ban on the art or the fics or Doujinshis, is just a fact that you can maneuver around 🤷🏻‍♀️

The point of all this is please don't start spreading hate, we are all here because we love DCMK maybe different ships yes, maybe a bit tired of the different levels of bullshit 😅 but all DCMK fans at the end.

I have seen a couple of comments about hating Gosho and the franchise for taking advantage of them, but, in my opinion, even tho he gave a lot of candy to some Yaoi ships, he was never private in saying what the canon ships were.

Now I'm not saying “i don't be sad! Don’t be mad” you can! as i said in a previous post, it was a low blow! But to go from there to spread hate is a bit much.

I hope from the bottom of my heart that no one here take this as an attack, I'm just trying to express my wish to not have conflicts here. I know X is completely different from this place, but i have seen there the hate soil the beautiful community of DCMK fans and i’d be really sad to watch something like that happen here too.

I want you all to know that i love all your art and it’d be a real boomer see a great part of it lost due a silly little thing like new Canon (it's not a sarcastic comment btw, we as fans should be used to do what we feel is right in our own creations fics/comics/art, and i insist canon divergence Is a thing! You can keep on and ignore canon)

Well that's it. I'm sorry for the long rant but I really enjoy it here and I was a bit worried

Lots of love for everyone!

And to the Kaishin shippers that were affected, a big hug and keep going guys! Lots of strength for this difficult times

[thedisablednaturalist]

Office disability culture is so fucked in environmental science and fieldwork. Like the mindset that to do the job you have to be in perfect physical health or you should just quit. Like I'm not talking about something that is 100% physical labor here, everything is mostly achievable with aids and you don't need to be able to do every single thing. But there's this weird like..pride..that my older coworkers have. They work out in the gym and brag about how many reps they did. They tease each other for having medical issues. They don't ask for accommodations because they fear that their legitimacy will be hurt. That it means that they can't do their job anymore. That they won't be TRUSTED to do their jobs anymore. That it will get taken away.

So they FURTHER hurt their bodies by not resting, not taking breaks, not using ergonomic equipment, not using safety equipment. Not drinking enough water. Not using mobility aids when they are so old that it's supposed to be acceptable. They don't use the scooters at the grocery store, they don't use their handicapped placard, they don't use knee pads or compression gloves.

And here I come in, 24 years old, looking perfectly healthy. And I use walking sticks, I sit down a lot, I have my care bag, I have a ton of gadgets for making fieldwork more comfortable, I have boundaries and limits, I wear braces and knee pads and compression gloves. I use my handicapped placard.

They react in one of two ways:

1. How DARE I. I'm so lucky to be young and no one sees THEM having to do all those things (literally nothing is stopping them but pride). Like old man if you need a break take a fucking break. I'm not going to hurt my health to make you feel better about hurting yours. I'm not risking a flare up to spare the 65 year olds feelings. Im gonna take my break and use my equipment cause my boss doesn't care as long as the work gets done. I'm tired of glares from 100 year olds making themselves struggle across the parking lot when they could also be using the fucking scooter. (I never take the last scooter, there's always another available. Also it's not my fault if walmart only provides 2 scooters for the whole store).

2. It shows them its okay. Its okay to need aids. When I first showed up at my job it was very...macho..everyone was afraid of seeming old (theres probably only 3 of us under 30 in the whole department, most people are at least 50, mainly 65 year olds). Then they saw me using my walking sticks, taking my medicine openly, bringing a chair with me when working away from my desk, using my TENS unit. I overheard one lady ask her granddaughter what fibromyalgia was (apparently she had spotted my pain tracking journal).

My older coworker with a bad knee got a walking stick like mine and beamed when she showed me. The grandmother uses a cane and a walker interchangeably and more often. I get asked where I get my little portable fan and pocket heaters and special clothing. Even abled coworkers are doing it. My coworker who's younger than me sets alarms to take breaks now just like I do. People seem more comfortable using things that help them now.

My boss has really struggled. He has a lot of internalized ableism and hates thinking of himself as crippled. He spent his whole life physically active and strong and all these health issues and overexertion are catching up with him. Like he did environmental testing in areas with fucking radon. He did work where they threw asbestos around like snow for fun. He's done a ton of really hard physical work. He grew up with the mentality that pain was just something everyone has to push through. But I think seeing a young person make the choice not to push through is helping him a bit. He wants to make his own walking stick, he goes to the doctor more. We bond over having constant medical issues and I even gave him the name of my surgeon. Yea he still says stuff like "shoot me if I have to use a wheelchair" (not as much anymore since he now knows I use one) but he's getting there.

Yeah so I've had this in my drafts for a bit and I wanted to update that my boss has been walking around with a fucking broken ankle for the past couple of weeks. He thought it was just arthritis pain and eventually couldn't take it anymore and went to the foot doctor. The doctor has no clue how the fuck he's been walking on it. Now he has to wear the boot and he's banned from fieldwork while he heals.

Older people and the elderly need to learn that it's okay to not push through the pain and ask for help. Everyone needs to learn this, and not be like my fucking boss. Go to the doctor, get that sore joint checked out. Get those tests done. Use that aid. Stop walking on a broken ankle just because you can.

[lyra-heartstring]

TW: Mentions of Sh, suicide, Od, racism ( self directed/internalized )

Before i start, the racism part of this is genuinely only to myself. I dont care what race other people are, i just hate mine.

Letter for the boy in the mirror that i wish to kill.

Spending the past 16 years of my life being ugly has been my enternal hell. I have to live everyday knowing im conventionally unattractive and no matter the clothes i wear and the way i style myself ill always be ugly. I have wonderful outfits that i think are really fucking cool or just nice and casual, but the only issue is my face and my skin. I dont want to deal with this shit, i hate my skin tone and i hate everyone trying to tell me to be proud of it. " Black is beautiful "Go fuck yourself, im not and for some reason everyone feels the need to let me know like i havent had to live with this body that i wish wasn't nine. "You're ugly" " who would like you" " you can atleast try to be funny " all of you can die, im tired of you and your fake sympathetic bullshit or the rejections in which i get infantalized bc people dont wwnt to be mean, just for me to find out wbt what they were thinking later. I get it im ugly and i tucking hate my race every issue i have stems in some way shape or form from those 2 factors (gender is another but that's a seperate rant on its own ) and don't give me that bullshit " its just your style " " dress nicely " fashion is a looks thing irregardless of how u want to spin it. Outfits look good because of how the person looks and for some fucking reason nothing works with me. My parents are trying to style me as some proper black christiwn boy, thats litterally the entire opposite of what i want to be. i have to deal with everyone tell me shit like " your outfit looks good", hoping one day they talk about me. " your shirt is nice " what about me?, " your outfit is cute ", what about me?. Ive spent years living as the billshit excuse of a human being with people shoving it down throat that im ugly, but THE SECOND I TRY TO KILL MY SELF OR I CUT MYSELF EVERYONE IS SUDDENLY THE GOOD SAMARITAN READY TO SAVE ME FROM MY TROUBLES. " Im jealous of you ", " i wish i looked like you ", " you arent ugly " I swear to every single celestial being i will rip off the head of the next person who tries to spoon feed me this bullshit. Im the person who is better off taking the photos, the one in the back of the pictures being blocked by people and thanks to my fucking skin tone i looked like some fucked up horror monster in polaroids. Now that its been 16 years of not a single person being there for me, suddenly everyone is some empath and knows how i feel. " i relate " " i understand how you " NO YOU FUCKING DONT, YOU POST AESTHETIC PHOTOS OF YOURSELF WEEKLY, HAVE PEOPLE HITTING ON YOU, WEAR WHATEVER YOU WANT BC U ARE ATTRACTIVE ANYWAYS SO ANYTHING U WEAR IS A " fit ". GO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF, TRY BEING THE PERSON THAT EVERYONR IS SUPRISED MANAGES TO DATE SOMEONE, ITS NOT THE SURPRISED OF " we didnt know " ITS THE BULLSHIT SURPRISE WHETE THEY ACY LIKE YOUR PARTNER IS BLIND OR YOU ARR PAYING THE PERSON TO DATE YOU. ITS THAT BULLSHIT SURPRISE YHAT SOMEONE ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH LIKES YOU. IF YOU EVEN GO THROUGH A PORTION OF THAT THEN MAYBE SAY U UNDERSTAND ME, DONT TRY TO RELATE TO MY STORY WHEN YOUR BIGGEST WORRY IS BEING HIT ON. MY BIGGEST WORRY IS BEING CALLED CREEPY BC I SAID I LIKE SOMEONE, OR A WEIRDO BC I CONFESS TO SOMEONE " i like you " BC ITS CRAZY THAT MY ABORTED FETUS LOOK-A-LIKE SELF HAS YHE AUDACITY TO DEVELOP FEELINGS WHILR LOOKING THE WAY I DO. EVERYONE ELSE CAUSE DO THE SAME SHIT AND ITS A SILLY FUN HIGHSCHOOL EXPERIENCE, ITS FUNNY, AKWARD, ROMANTIC. What i would give to be a different person, different hair, different face, different race, different voice, the amout i would throw away just for that is unmeasureable. To the higher beings i hate you for what you have

done to me, people worship you for what you have fone for them, and im suppossed to join along and be thankful of the gift of life when my life has been nothing but a curse. I hate you for how i look, i hate that everyday i have to find new methods to not think or look into mirrors bc my immediate reaction to commit suicide. Im 16 with a violent hatred towards my face, a waste of space incomplete cell called my body, the urge/desire to kill myself the second i think abt how i look, pure hatred and negativity. I spend all my time cutting because the moment the blade leaves my skin i remember im ugly. The many nights i stare into the mirror with the pills in my hand as i cry for being dealt this shit of a hand from life. I hope for happiness one day but ik that i will never find it nor will i let go of this anger. To the few people reading this

[chronically-enthusiastic]

Hello there, thanks for stumbling across my blog!

(Here's a lil comic I made for a school assignment)

Artblog: @chronicallyartistic

Audio drama blog: @chronically-listeningtopodcasts

I'm going to start putting my social energy levels in my bio... There's a lot of stuff I want to respond to but i currently dont have the energy to do so, and so if I don't respond within like a day, check my bio and see that...

Who am I / Where else can you find me?

First of all, feel free to call me Eli!! I'm on the waiting list for an autism diagnosis. I am agender and aroace-spec.

I am verrryyy enthusiastic about the things I am interested in (hence the URL hehehe). And currently, those are: podcasts (theres a list at the bottom of the post), good omens, ofmd, bbc merlin, star trek!!!!, lotr, and probably more things that I am too tired to think of right now!

I use the queue! Im not awake at the ungodly hours i sometimes am seen posting at, I just dont want to utterly flood peoples dashes! I do reblog fandom stuff and things ive added anything to immediately, so if you see a few posts in short succession, im online!

I am a very big fan of the oxford comma and double brackets. Semicolons are pretty cool too. And ellipses are incredible.

i love all of my mutuals dearly!! Making cookies and hot chocolate for you all <33

I try to use tone tags as much as possible!

Boundaries:

Things I am okay with sharing/doing:

My age, gender/sexuality, things about my guinea pigs!!, and most other things

Things I am not okay with sharing/doing:

The city I live in, pictures of me/anyone I know, my full name, my birthdate, my phone number/email address, meeting up with people irl, sending/receiving money/gifts, dms (<- though if we're mutuals and interacted a lot dms are fine!!)

^ this applies to everyone im not in the discord with

I will let someone know if they cross boundaries, and *really* would like other people to let me know if I cross theirs!!

DNI: people who are here to spread hate and anger. Just, stay away. I dont engage in discourse. I know DNIs dont deterr these people, but this is a demonstration of my core values :)

Tags:

(At the top cause otherwise it will get lost) ALSO #tw body horror

I block quite a few tags but most notably #tw war and other ones to do with the war in israel/palestine. This is not because I don't care. I care so so so much about what is happening and I cry every time I see a post about it. It breaks my heart that such horrible things are happening. However, I really struggle with high empathy, and seeing a post about it can really affect me for a while, and I need tumblr to be a safe space away from the real world problems. If I follow you - please could you tag things to do with war. Thank you <3

Updated to clarify - I do block the generic tags such as Israel and Gaza, which most of the posts are tagged with by the op, so if you forget its no big deal!!

A list of all the podcasts I listen to because y'know, its fun:

Fiction:

The Amelia Project

Wooden Overcoats

The Adventure Zone

Sherlock & Co

Alba Salix

Unseen

And a whole lot more that i no longer listen to either because they havent updated or they are a little too creepy (Welcome to Night Vale falls into the latter category)

Science:

The Sci Guys

Lets Learn Everything

Lingthusiasm

A podcast of unnecessary detail.

Comedy/other:

Dear Hank and John

The Unmade Podcast

Books Unbound

Lateral

A book list of recommendations from mutuals for my own use:

abigail by Magda Szasbo (@mack-anthology-mp3)

The Alphabet of Candice Phee (@jamie-dinow)

A list of music reccomendations from mutuals:

in the lap of the gods revisited by queen, why can't i be you by the cure, pyramid song, and lucky & the tourist by radiohead, when the sun hits by slowdive, dancing barefoot by patti smith, tangerine by led zeppelin, autumn sweater by yo la tengo, rubber ring by the smiths, water by pj harvey (from @/mack-anthology-mp3)

imi hendrix’s all along the watchtower (from @/catholickedd)

[afuckingsystemsthoughts]

we've seen a lot of people with DID and OSDD hate being a system. most of us dont hate it per se, its more of the bad parts we hate. i, host, suffer much more mental pain from other disorders we have, not just DID- thats probably the smallest part. for us, our biggest cause of mental pain is bpd and denial of trauma/our posttraumatic disorders- so what were about to say will probably sound biased.

also a note, i only suffer the really dramatic drastic disorienting dissociation everyone with DID online complains about (and claims they have 24/7) only half the time or less. most of the dissociation i experience as host is dissociative amnesia, theres not a day i dont experience that but its usually of the past ill never remember or milder forms like "oh i did that? hm dont remember" "oh they said that? i only remember the interesting parts of the conversation and i cant even remember it verbatim", or emotional/mental detachment and emotional numbing (especially if my mood is too unstable), and staring off forgetting what to do or not knowing how to do it and having to mentally yell at myself

now, for the parts of having DID id absolutely get rid of right now and never want back.

i hate when im trying to do something, i wanna do it alone, i wanna have privacy, wtv. and boom, an alter suddenly appears out of nowhere invading the front. i dont wanna be rude to them because theyre a part of me and more than likely a trauma holder or protector i wouldnt be here without, but i want to have some privacy in my own head. have some things just to me. i am annoyed, i know they feel that. and for that, i feel guilt. for being annoyed by the presence of someone else inside my head, and the guilt gets even worse if its a little, understandably, or a trauma holder whos been through enough rejection already, or a protector who i wouldnt be alive without. i have to show common courtesy to a large group of selves inside my own brain, every second im awake. and that gets tiring. no wonder im always so mentally drained.

having to work around what alters want. this often goes hand in hand with them randomly intruding the front. ill be in the clothing aisle, just to get a simple grey shirt- and an alter will come out when they see a shirt they like. if i refuse to get it, they might feel hurt, and ill feel guilty. and if i look through a whole clothing aisle, more than one part will come out and make me feel drawn to the different clothing they like (sometimes a few alters making me feel drawn to a few different clothing styles at once) i get a headache from that and dont like how i feel pulled into many different directions by my own brain. (id experience that before i even knew what plurality was or really knew my alters or even remotely felt plural and it caused me a lot of mental pain and headaches)

feeling like a stranger to myself now because i realize how much i was a stranger to myself, i didnt even know i was abused, and i didnt even know a lot of things i did. and feeling guilt for not knowing i was a stranger to myself for most of my life. i should have known but i didnt. i was too dumb to pick up on the clues that someone inside me ran away with my body and my life. theres even small things i didnt know about myself i discovered years later. example, i didnt know i asked for a get-well card for a doll when i pretended it was sick until i discovered it about 8-10 years later. and theres big things i never knew. some of these things were people. when i was little, i was around people i should remember, i was around them enough. but when i see them again in 2019, i think its the first time even stepping foot in the place, and seeing the people. i only knew that i knew them when i was little because i was told that in 2019. i also dont remember an entire year, minus a small snapshot memory. i cant be sure if the memories i think i have of it are real. which leads me to the other part about DID i hate and if i could get rid of only one part of it, this would be it.

the dissociative amnesia (mostly of trauma) and its effects. i dont remember majority of my early childhood, and i only remember about half of my mid childhood, maybe a tad more than half. the memories i have, its like im watching an eerie, dark tinted movie of myself. i dont remember being abused in any of the memories before around 8, and very few are of me being unhappy. i think to myself, "if i was abused, id have memories of it or be unhappy." i didnt feel anything. i just... existed. no feelings, maybe an artificial happiness, but no feelings outside of that. its like i was a robot in control of my own actions. i tell myself i dont have trauma and im just holding onto the "impossible possibility" i was abused as a small child as an excuse for being this way "because i cant accept i was born broken, i dont have an excuse to be this way." then, someone comes along who explains to me what i did in the memories when i was little and throughout my entire childhood was a sign of abuse, and i feel valid and confident about myself because im reassured im not born broken scum, but then i realize that means someone violated my body and ill never know who did first, how old i was, where it first happened. and ill never know what all my body has been used for either. then ill feel disgusted with my body and want to escape it or self harm. and i live with a person who flip flops between being emotionally abusive/manipulative and being nice and shes used my dissociative amnesia against me before, used it to say things didnt happen and the memories were planted, and to say i did things i didnt do. other people used my dissociative amnesia against me before too. but the most painful part for me, is im stuck in a vicious, mentally draining cycle- feeling like my trauma isnt real and hating myself because i feel like i was born broken, just wanting to know i was abused, then i find out and i feel uncomfortable in my body, i cry, i feel alone because the only people id allow myself to seek comfort from arent around, and sometimes self harm.

for me, im fine with being a system. i wouldnt trade most of my alters or the memories weve made together since i found out i had a system and met them. they taught me what family really is. they taught me what community means. its the parts that make it disordered id gladly get rid of. sure, we want our own bodies, id like them to have their own bodies too, but im fine with them just being in my head when theyre not intrusive.

DID isnt fun, but it isnt always living hell 24/7. not for every DID system. not for us. but its still not "friends in your head" and even when you are friends with some of your alters they can still intrude on you when you want to be alone and you'll still have the distress from having DID. its not always fun but its not always hell.

[reilleclan-blog]

This world has seriously lost the plot, I am so tired so tired of constantly waking up. This system is collapsing all this news shit is just a compilation of capitalism failing . And I'm so fucking tired of this shit I'm so fucking anxious about every goddamn thing . I hate work no REAL HUMAN BEING SHOULD BE WORKING 40hrs A WEEK . THIS WORLD HAS TAKEN SO MANY THINGS AND JUST REARRANGED THEM INTO DIFFERENT SHIT. SLAVERY IS PRISON SYSTEMS, HAVING A DAMN JOB IS SLAVERY BY CHOICE, ITS ALL BULLSHIT. I'm so angry and sad I'm so sad dude. This world is coming to an end , I wake up everyday like I'm waiting for the sky to fall like I'm chicken little. I remember as a kid I was being abused most of my school years grammar and highschool, and our neighbors would probably hear all of that shit for years and years. But when I'd get off the bus I'd walk past them with my headphones on and I didn't know they were talking to me I didn't hear them or was paying attention and a lot of them took such offense too that. Me a kid being hated on by adults and others because I didn't speak to them , even though everyday of my life I was being beat and verbally abused. But neighbors are worried about me thinking I'm "better than them". And b/c of this my mom got into a very heated argument with them over it, I just remember crying my eyes out b/c I just never understood why ppl hate me for the weirdest shit. Even when I thought I didn't do anything wrong I was always hated. This was my life for years still is my life, on top of still living with my abuser been abused by a lot of my family ppl I thought were supposed to protect me, this is all. My point is ppl only give a fuck about "appearances" nobody gave a fuck about me getting screamed at or me screaming my heart out b/c of how much pain I was dealing with ON MY OWN, but yeah dude call me out for not saying HELLO TO U. This world is just so sick this place makes me physically ill idk how im still going idk how im still trying to hold on to some slither of hope when most of my life I've never felt significant to anyone except my dog.

Black men police black women like police officers police black men, everyone wants some sort of power of control some power of worth. That's why so many ppl are misguided or pointing fingers at everyone else but the damn white supremacists, just conduct us to hate one another and it's that simple. The amount of times a black man felt entitled to me saying hello to them is fucking insane, if I don't say hello I'm likely dead , if I do say hello I'm likely dead, there's no winning in this situation. THERES BLACK WOMEN GOING MISSINF AND BEING KILLED EVERY SINGLE DAY BUT BLACK MEN ARE SO WORRIED ABOUT A FUCKING HELLO??? maybe protect and nurture black women and maybeee more of us would feel safe around yall . I don't feel safe I don't speak I keep to myself and I'm still seen as "rude" "aggressive" "mean" . This place makes NO FUCKING SENSE DUDE IT DOESNT. Ppl are talking about this election left and right, tbh I really don't give a flying fuck about the election this entire system is corrupt , ppl just want Donald stupid ass out of the office b/c he managed to be a menace to even republicans lol it's fucking hilarious . I genuinely loathe this place I'm ready to leave I'm ready to go . Donald Trump is the true damn hokage shoulder all the hate lookin ass(this is a fucking joke)

I'm so fucking tired why have I been lucky still breathing , idkidkidk I can't imagine my future at all I can't see myself being happy I can't see nothing. I'm terrified of this place

ITS 60DEGREES IN FUCKING CHICAGO IN FUCKING OCTOBER WTF IS GOING ONNNNN

[compassionatereminders]

im sorry if this won't make sense, but eng is not my 1st lang and i really need to vent to someone

well, i have a brother that's 2 years older than me, but im a minor and he is already a young adult, i guess. not an adult, but not a teenager either.

anyways, our relationship was never bad, but it was never good either. like, we used to have good terms, yk? but since our dad passed away, we got more distant from each other and i totally get it, i really do, we never share too much about our lives in the past, and we share even less now. nevertheless, it still hurts for some reason.

he is always angry, he has angry rooted in his body since he started to know the world by himself and i truly believe that the main reason is me. i believe that he hates me since i was born, everyone talks about how he got jealous when he was little bc the attention was all over me and i really understand him, really, i understand that.

when we grew up, he was diagnosed with ADHD and dyslexia, and people got worried about him. i didn't have the age to realize what that meant, but i knew that he had a condition that was not very gentle with the way he sees the world bc people would not understand him, so i started to take care of myself alone, being more independent, while he had attention for him. i was okay with that, alone, but okay, i have always been a introvert and shy person, it doesn't bother me so much... not at that time, at least.

he failed two years of school, while i didn't, and a "bad" part of my family used to joke around with that bc he is not the only one in my family that failed.

with that, the expectations for me started to begin, even if i had a very young age. they just don't care at all, just threw his frustrations on me and that's it, i need to be what they want me to be.

since then, i've been a submissive person. i do what they tell me to do and shut up every time i need to speak.

since the expectations for me are higher than it's for him, he just started hating me openly. idk, it's a teenager thing? since our dad passed away he just became another person, he likes attention and always makes me cry over the simple things bc he victimizes himself so much that people believe in him, he is a compulsive liar and a manipulative person. i hate being with him outside our house, he always screams at me, even on school. i just get so ashamed, i really don't understand why he do all that.

it gets to the point where i just can't focus on anything. my grades got worse and I don't know how to take care of this, not anymore.

i really tried, for a long time, but now nothing works anymore. we live together, just us two (it's a long history btw), and i do everything alone. i clean alone, i do the dishes, i do everything, just everything and it's tiring, very tiring, very hard, i just wanna cry all day and don't get out of my room, but if i do this, the house will be a mess and i really get anxious with mess, but the fact that he doesn't help with simple things kills me slowly

i really can't take it anymore, he is the main reason for all the problems that i have, and it's not even a joke. he makes me hate myself saying horrible things about my body, about how i look, about how i talk, about myself in general and i feel so disgusted being me that i don't like to get out of the house, even the school is a place that i don't like bc he's there and he always lie on school, about me, about our family, about our life, about everything

i'm really exhausted, idk what to do anymore. i just can't do the things that i love without being ashamed bc he can and WILL talk about how strange (sometimes) or how someone is better than me at it

Your brothers personal issues aren't a personal attack on you BUT that doesn't mean they justify him mistreating you. He isn't abusive because he has ADHD and you don't, but neither does his diagnoses justify abuse of any kind. And you can't and shouldn't continue to sacrifice your own needs and boundaries to "be there" for a person who doesn't treat you right

[artcommunityvent]

heres my rant for today: (sorry in advance for long post)

i hate how modern art communities have to “fandom-ify” every single new trendy thing literally DAYS (and sometimes even hours) after it drops. i know this is a lot of the same sentiment as those people that just go “popular thing bad” but honestly it really puts me off some medias because i dont want to associate with anyone else who likes it

do we really need a million different fan ocs and aus for EVERYTHING? and like, i know its nothing new, obviously we have the onceler and undertale aus to look back on, but its exhausting at this point because while those communities were presumably genuine, in the present day it just feels like the fandom equivalent to an industry plant. and most people dont even stick with the thing they decide to make their entire personality!!

remember when spiderverse came out and everyone made spidersonas? who can you name thats actually drawn their spidersona more than once? it feels like everyone just trend hops, and yes i know thats how the internet is but its just exhausting especially when it brings down otherwise creative and inspired works

fnaf security breach: everyone makes fnaf aus and glamrock animatronics, then spiderverse as previously mentioned, then welcome home dropped and thats becoming a shitshow with how yall are fandomizing what is essentially a small creator telling their ocs lore in a creative way, and now its happening with digital circus. im so tired of seeing projects that are cool and visually appealing becoming a cesspit of bland, unoriginal aus and piles of fanart only to get dropped when the new shiny comes out

and i wanna elaborate on welcome home for a second because i know damn well if one of these people who makes “daddy dom priest wally is actually the devil” aus had an oc they loved, and someone came along and made their own aus of it in the same way, that person would bitch and cry oc theft. some people dont even change up the characters design, like how entitled do you have to be to essentially just steal someones oc and call it your own? it disgusts me how people are treating clown and honestly i wish they would put the series on indefinite hiatus or complete their story privately to teach these people a lesson

another thing that puts me off is how every piece of media has to have the “fandom daddy” for lack of a better term. glamrock freddy, hobie brown, wally darling, or jax, its all the same thing repackaged; someones gotta be the tumblr sexyman. its so tiring—ESPECIALLY as a lesbian who doesnt really wanna center men in my life at all—to wanna see fanart of the media you like and its only: “heres the one character everyones horny for drawn in a totally different and more sexualized body type” with everyone in the comments salivating over them. i really like digital circus! but all i see are people who would walk across a mile of broken glass just to suck a fart out of jax’ ass. what about the other interesting characters? why does EVERY conversation with popular media have to be about “which guy is the most fuckable” (guy specifically because come on, when has a female character been the highlight of attention; using the previous example have you seen ONE person talking about digital circus that even remembers zooble exists)

it feels like nobody can appreciate work anymore without having to claim some form of ownership over it, to say “hey this thing is so popular and important that it is now a part of my identity!! look at my millions of ocs that i will draw one time and never again!” im just tired of people being unable to passively interact with media they enjoy and everyone seeming to fight over and prove some connection to the things they like

tldr: im tired of everyone in the art community making heaps of fanart, aus, and fan ocs for stuff the second it gets popular and then totally forgetting about it the next time something else gets popular

(and before yall bring up hyperfixations: i am autistic; i understand having so much love for a piece of media for a short while and then dropping it for no reason and its heart shattering; BUT AT THE SAME TIME this pattern is on oxford to me and its on such a large scale that it infects the greater art community as a whole)

That is indeed the nature of media consumer at its finest. I do feel like it is more appearent now due to the way most social media algorithm works. They only show what is trending at the moment, so naturally, we are exposed only to this specific thing until another trend eventually takes over.

Even artists who never create fan content can be influenced to do so by looking at the other artists, be it to dive in along the hype for the popularity of it, for the geniune fun, for the sense of community, and many more reasons.

- ☁️

[lesless]

🤖

Re re re quit nicotine. Talked to my partner & was like dude I need you to be done with this so I don’t backslide bc I do fine on my own & then you make a decision which I can’t keep being responsible for bc I “have more willpower” at this point I don’t have any willpower left bc it feels like this hopeless eternal cycle when you keep going back to it & im eternally exposed to it so i do it too. I’m so frustrated by it & it’s fucking up my hormones & messing with my mental health like I’m asking you to be accountable & at first he got butthurt bc he’s not used to adult conversations & that seems to be his knee jerk reaction every time I ask him to be accountable but as of yesterday he seemed to understand so that’s good. Take my tone with a grain of salt I’m dealing with withdrawal in real time & I’m so incredibly irritable & I just have to wait for it to pass.

Like I’m proud of him for working through his knee jerk reactions consistently, he definitely does separate & return to be accountable when he has a Mood. but IN GENERAL I’m SO fucking tired of people who can’t handle a direct conversation but then “hate passive aggression” like you have to be a welcome space for open & honest communication OR people are gonna be cunts to you bc you can’t communicate. & he’s typically very good at having these conversations but there’s a select few topics he just won’t have a direct chat about & it really really frustrates me. One of them is minor & silly but the other is kinda big & they annoy me for different reasons. Like we’re mid 30’s dude get over it? But then I get frustrated that I’m not more patient that everyone’s journey is different & growth is not a consistent metric across the board so people get better at some things before others & blah blah blah whatever.

Why did I do all this work to mature & now I am accountable for all these people who don’t do the work like that was a rude double cross. I know my life is happier for working towards understanding & peace but also now I have to do that for everyone? Lame.

Also I’m sure I’m immature in a lot of ways I don’t personally see that he has to deal with but dude I just want to be bitchy without caveats but here I am understanding the perspective of the other bc I went to therapy 6 years ago & took it to heart. 🙄

I really don’t want to go work on the property this weekend either, not even a little, & he wants me to drive 2 hours to clean ceiling tiles & I understand it would look good to his parents but you know what lately I’ve just felt like I’m on the periphery of everyone’s priorities & feeling really lonely (ALSO probably bc my hormones are fucked up from the start stop start stop) & obviously their kid is their priority not the girl he’s dating & I didn’t get so much as a thank you when I worked my ass off over spring break week until days after I left when I texted them about something unrelated (which they still didn’t do). It’s FINE I’m FINE I’m just super grumpy.

Anyway I bought a bunch of supplements to hopefully assist my body in rebalancing my hormones & I’m really hoping it helps. I’m gonna be Healthy Lauren for this whole month & take my vitamins probiotics walk sleep enough not drink etc to see if I can avoid the mental spiral that came with my last cycle.

& now that I’m calming down at the end of this rant I feel guilty for being so annoyed at my partner bc I love him dearly even though right now I want to both snuggle him & beat him with a spatula. Feeling very complex today.