#people always spread negativity about DID when people with it wanna distract from their suffering and the “oh poor me” posts dont help much

[afuckingsystemsthoughts]

we've seen a lot of people with DID and OSDD hate being a system. most of us dont hate it per se, its more of the bad parts we hate. i, host, suffer much more mental pain from other disorders we have, not just DID- thats probably the smallest part. for us, our biggest cause of mental pain is bpd and denial of trauma/our posttraumatic disorders- so what were about to say will probably sound biased.

also a note, i only suffer the really dramatic drastic disorienting dissociation everyone with DID online complains about (and claims they have 24/7) only half the time or less. most of the dissociation i experience as host is dissociative amnesia, theres not a day i dont experience that but its usually of the past ill never remember or milder forms like "oh i did that? hm dont remember" "oh they said that? i only remember the interesting parts of the conversation and i cant even remember it verbatim", or emotional/mental detachment and emotional numbing (especially if my mood is too unstable), and staring off forgetting what to do or not knowing how to do it and having to mentally yell at myself

now, for the parts of having DID id absolutely get rid of right now and never want back.

i hate when im trying to do something, i wanna do it alone, i wanna have privacy, wtv. and boom, an alter suddenly appears out of nowhere invading the front. i dont wanna be rude to them because theyre a part of me and more than likely a trauma holder or protector i wouldnt be here without, but i want to have some privacy in my own head. have some things just to me. i am annoyed, i know they feel that. and for that, i feel guilt. for being annoyed by the presence of someone else inside my head, and the guilt gets even worse if its a little, understandably, or a trauma holder whos been through enough rejection already, or a protector who i wouldnt be alive without. i have to show common courtesy to a large group of selves inside my own brain, every second im awake. and that gets tiring. no wonder im always so mentally drained.

having to work around what alters want. this often goes hand in hand with them randomly intruding the front. ill be in the clothing aisle, just to get a simple grey shirt- and an alter will come out when they see a shirt they like. if i refuse to get it, they might feel hurt, and ill feel guilty. and if i look through a whole clothing aisle, more than one part will come out and make me feel drawn to the different clothing they like (sometimes a few alters making me feel drawn to a few different clothing styles at once) i get a headache from that and dont like how i feel pulled into many different directions by my own brain. (id experience that before i even knew what plurality was or really knew my alters or even remotely felt plural and it caused me a lot of mental pain and headaches)

feeling like a stranger to myself now because i realize how much i was a stranger to myself, i didnt even know i was abused, and i didnt even know a lot of things i did. and feeling guilt for not knowing i was a stranger to myself for most of my life. i should have known but i didnt. i was too dumb to pick up on the clues that someone inside me ran away with my body and my life. theres even small things i didnt know about myself i discovered years later. example, i didnt know i asked for a get-well card for a doll when i pretended it was sick until i discovered it about 8-10 years later. and theres big things i never knew. some of these things were people. when i was little, i was around people i should remember, i was around them enough. but when i see them again in 2019, i think its the first time even stepping foot in the place, and seeing the people. i only knew that i knew them when i was little because i was told that in 2019. i also dont remember an entire year, minus a small snapshot memory. i cant be sure if the memories i think i have of it are real. which leads me to the other part about DID i hate and if i could get rid of only one part of it, this would be it.

the dissociative amnesia (mostly of trauma) and its effects. i dont remember majority of my early childhood, and i only remember about half of my mid childhood, maybe a tad more than half. the memories i have, its like im watching an eerie, dark tinted movie of myself. i dont remember being abused in any of the memories before around 8, and very few are of me being unhappy. i think to myself, "if i was abused, id have memories of it or be unhappy." i didnt feel anything. i just... existed. no feelings, maybe an artificial happiness, but no feelings outside of that. its like i was a robot in control of my own actions. i tell myself i dont have trauma and im just holding onto the "impossible possibility" i was abused as a small child as an excuse for being this way "because i cant accept i was born broken, i dont have an excuse to be this way." then, someone comes along who explains to me what i did in the memories when i was little and throughout my entire childhood was a sign of abuse, and i feel valid and confident about myself because im reassured im not born broken scum, but then i realize that means someone violated my body and ill never know who did first, how old i was, where it first happened. and ill never know what all my body has been used for either. then ill feel disgusted with my body and want to escape it or self harm. and i live with a person who flip flops between being emotionally abusive/manipulative and being nice and shes used my dissociative amnesia against me before, used it to say things didnt happen and the memories were planted, and to say i did things i didnt do. other people used my dissociative amnesia against me before too. but the most painful part for me, is im stuck in a vicious, mentally draining cycle- feeling like my trauma isnt real and hating myself because i feel like i was born broken, just wanting to know i was abused, then i find out and i feel uncomfortable in my body, i cry, i feel alone because the only people id allow myself to seek comfort from arent around, and sometimes self harm.

for me, im fine with being a system. i wouldnt trade most of my alters or the memories weve made together since i found out i had a system and met them. they taught me what family really is. they taught me what community means. its the parts that make it disordered id gladly get rid of. sure, we want our own bodies, id like them to have their own bodies too, but im fine with them just being in my head when theyre not intrusive.

DID isnt fun, but it isnt always living hell 24/7. not for every DID system. not for us. but its still not "friends in your head" and even when you are friends with some of your alters they can still intrude on you when you want to be alone and you'll still have the distress from having DID. its not always fun but its not always hell.

[ickaimp]

[RotG] Spread your Wings

I blame @eastofthemoon. Wasn’t originally gonna write fic for this @jackrabbitweek prompt, but… 2844 words, fluff. 

“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” Bunny commented, giving himself a stretch. Easter was over, now it was time to relax and unwind a bit. 

“What?” Jack said, distracted from his very busy task of attempting to balance a flower on his nose. It wasn’t working, but the effort was entertaining nevertheless. “Wings.” Bunny said succinctly. Spirits, with two known exceptions, had wings. It was the one of the most obvious and identifiable ways to recognize them, thought to be a reflection of the spirit themselves.

North’s bird like wings were pure white, growing so thick and fat with feathers around his holiday, that he could very nearly double in size. The feathers tended to fade and thin out a little after Christmas, but they were always there, not so obviously from the falcon style. 

Toothiana had not two, but six wings, showing off her level of power, each shaped like a dragonfly’s iridescent wing, but the edges sharper and harder than a steel sword. Her girls had wings much like hers, but only two, an echo of her power. Even Pitch Black had wings, warped dragon scaled looking things that were closer to scythes than wings, apparently made of twisted shadows. It was sometimes debated that Sandy didn’t have wings, but most people were idiots, and didn’t notice his moth shaped wings wrapped around him, forming what appeared to be his clothing. It was when the wings came out that it was time to run far away from the Sandman as possible. Bunny was one of the two exceptions, something that was the source of much debate and contention among the spirit world, which he didn’t give a rotten egg’s thought to. He was an earth based elemental, he didn’t have any business being up in the air, no matter what North preferred. The other exception was Jack Frost. Who flew through the air like a leaf caught in the wind, laughing merrily the whole time, without nary a feather or a glimpse of wing in sight. It was… bewildering. When he’d first met Jack decades ago, it was just one more annoyance on the part of the frost spirit. But now that Jack was a Guardian, and Bunny had come to learn more about Jack, it had become a mystery. One of many, Jack was a walking mass of contradictions, as much as Bunny was. All of which Bunny was taking great delight in learning. Jack blinked a few times, leaning forward slightly, weight propped up by his staff. “You have them?!” He exclaimed, tone incredulous. “Since coming to Earth, yeah.” Bunny shrugged. It was something about the planet, he'd never had them in space, thank goodness for that. “Bloody nuisance they are.” He added with a grumble. 

“Nice to know I’m not the only one who feels that way about them.” He confessed, a relaxed grin spreading across his face. Bunny tried not to grin at the confirmation that Jack had them. There had been a slight possibly that Jack perhaps might not have, or the dour thought that something had happened that they’d somehow been removed. Which left the question of what kind of wings would suit Jack Frost best. Bunny’s mental image of what they might be changed from day to day, depending on his mood, and how much teasing Jack had done that day. If they were feathered, bat winged, shaped like a moth.   If they were feathered like North’s, Bunny couldn’t think of any reason why Jack would hide them away. Bat winged did tend to carry some negative connotations, and he could see Jack hiding those away, but they didn’t seem quite right for the fun loving spirit either Jack’s grin faltered as Jack paused and glanced around. “Is that why you invited me down to the Warren today?” “Partly.” Bunny admitted. It wasn’t exactly a common occurrence to have Jack visit the Warren, but it wasn’t an uncommon occurrence either. Their busy and off times tended to coincide with each other, and they spent a fair bit of time together as of late.  “Gotta give them a stretch at least once a year, and it’s too crowded back at the Pole.” “The Pole’s large enough for North’s wings, and they’re the largest I’ve seen!” Jack exclaimed, incredulous, but not fleeing either. “They’re alright.” Bunny demurred, just a hint of a cocky grin on his face. Jack gave him a skeptical look, but there was an intrigued edge to it. “Alright.” Jack slowly nodded and Bunny tried not to cheer. “You first though.” “No running.” Bunny gave Jack a suspicious look, not quite able to believe that Jack would acquiesce so easily. For someone so fearless, Jack could be one of the most skittish people Bunny knew. “Promise.” Jack earnestly agreed. “… That’s more for me own wings, than showing yours.” Bunny muttered, twisting to scratch at an ear with his hind paw. “They’re… not exactly normal.” Jack paused, thinking it over for a moment. “No running.” He finally agreed. “As long as you don’t mock me for mine.” Bunny froze in mid-scratch. “Why would I-?” He turned to look at Jack in confusion. Jack had an excellent poker face when he wanted to. “Why would I run from yours?” He challenged back. “Fair point.” Bunny agreed. They both had their own mysteries. “Ya might wanna back up a tad for this.” Bunny commented. “Alright.” The sceptical look was back, but Jack did as requested. Bunny waited until he felt  Jack was far enough away not to get hit by an errant limb before starting to change his shape. It was one of the things he was most grateful for in being a shapeshifter, that he could hide them away. He wasn’t kidding when he commented about them being a bloody nuisance. Jack gave a small gasp as the ‘fur’ on Bunny’s back rippled, then started to reach upwards, like giant petals of a flower reaching up towards the sun. Petals that quickly grew to Bunny’s length, then doubled, then doubled again. They flapped lazily, the joints feeling strange on his spine, each one of the four wings moving independently The weight of the wings made him pitch forward into the grass, claws digging into the rich soil for traction, to keep from sprawling out completely as the wings began to thicken and change shape, to what North had described once as a ‘pterodactyl’s wing’, but Bunny thought resembled more of an oleander leaf. They were lightly furred, as variegated as the rest of himself was. Once the large grey wings had formed, he kind of flapped them lazily, twitching them as he attempted to regain balance. “Whoa.” Jack breathed, staring at him in awe, eyes wide and very blue. “Reckon ya see why I don’t let them out much.” Bunny grumbled. He was more than just the embodiment of his holiday. He was very, very old, one of the oldest on the planet, and tied not only to Spring, but <i>life</i> itself. It was a heavy responsibility on his back. To his knowledge, he was the only one with wings like this, their shape and number alien to the planet. They didn’t have dragons on this planet, much less a Stormcutter’s. “You look like one of those moths.” Jack put his hands on top of his head, mimicking Bunny’s ears. “The ones with the furry antenna.” “Thanks.” Bunny deadpanned, and Jack shrugged, only slightly repentant. “It’s the right proportions.” Jack commented, stepping forward, and giving Bunny a hand up. Bunny took it gratefully, the wings flailing around slightly as he attempted to get his balance. It took a moment, Jack holding him steady until he could stand on his own two feet again. “I can use them as limbs ta move about if I wanted to.” Bunny pointed out. “Have before. North don’t like it cause it looks a bit too much like a giant spider.” Jack stared up at the wings thoughtfully for a minute before nodded. “Yeah, okay.” He agreed, reaching up towards Bunny’s wings, then hesitated, pulling his hand back. Touching another’s wings without permission was considered taboo, not that Bunny really cared about that. But then his wings didn’t have the same kind of sensitivity as most other spirits. “I could use some assisting with a bit of groomin’ too, if you don’t mind.” Bunny added, just a touch of hopeful cajoling in his voice. He could do it on his own, but it was a literal pain to do. Jack laughed, his expression brightening. “Ah, I see how it is.” He teased. “You just wanted my help.” “That was part of it.” Bunny tried to shrug and failed, the joints on his back limiting his movement for the moment. “You’ve seen mine, your turn.” Jack hesitated, then made a long suffering sound. “Yeah.” He reluctantly agreed, stepping back again to lean his staff against a rock. “They’re not as grand as yours, so don’t laugh, okay?” “No promises.” Bunny swore. Jack chuckled quietly, reaching for the back of his hoodie, and pulling it over his head, hiding his face in blue fabric for a moment, before he pulled it off, leaving his pale chest bare. Bunny twitched slightly with the urge to go grab his paints and attempt to match Jack’s colouring. He could see the faint blue of Jack’s arteries against the nearly translucent nature of his pale skin, the pale pink of his egg shaped nipples, the shadow of the navel, how his hands and face were slightly more pink than the rest of him from wind burn. It was subtle, not at all dramatic, but Bunny liked it. “Alright.” Jack said, giving himself a small shake. “It’s been so long I’m not even sure I remember how to do this properly.” He muttered. “It’s fine, take your time.” Bunny waved it away, swaying slightly as he kept his balance. It wasn’t like he could go anywhere until his limbs remembered how they were supposed to work. Jack got a determined look on his face, then nodded, turning his back to Bunny. He took a deep breath, then closed his eyes, slowly letting the breath out. At first, Bunny didn’t see anything. Just Jack’s pale skin was about the same shade as a newly sprouted egg. He wondered if Jack would let Bunny paint on him sometime, idly debating what colours would work best to complement and contrast. 

He almost missed the first sparkle of frost just under one of Jack’s shoulder blades, then stopped his musing to focus on what he was seeing. It almost seemed more of a trick of the eye than anything substantial. And then another flicker, and another, slowly forming what appeared to be an outline of something delicate folded up against Jack’s back. The frost seemed to unfurl, and Bunny realised that much like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon, Jack had somehow managed to fold and scrunch up his wings, so they were all but gone. Jack made a soft groan, and suddenly his wings rippled and snapped open, long enough to brush Jack’s wrists. Butterfly wings. Jack had butterfly wings, made of nearly translucent frost. They were barely there, more of a suggestion than a solid object, almost ghost like in their beauty.

Jack paused, panting slightly for breath. “They’re a bit ridiculous, aren’t they?” He commented, glancing over his shoulder to give Bunny a crooked smile. “Freaking fairy wings, right?” “They’re lovely.” Bunny said honestly. He wondered if he touched them they’d melt, or if they were stronger than they looked, much like Jack himself. Jack scoffed in return, clearly not believing him. “They’re embarrassing.” He countered. Bunny gave him a confused look back, then pointed to the giant alien x-shaped monstrosity on his back. Jack sighed, sounding aggravated. “The first spirits I met were ice elementals.” He muttered, glaring down at the dirt, away from Bunny. “They… Tried to tear them off.” If touching someone’s wings was Taboo, removing someone’s wings was Forbidden. Bunny had known only one spirit that was rumoured having to have done so. Neither spirit survived. The one whose wings having been removed dying of shock, and the one who had performed the action not surviving the mob that had formed and ripped them to shreds afterwards. “They’re not that bad.” Bunny said lightly, making a mental note to get names later. “Hah.” Jack mocked, then gasped. The delicate wings trembled, then rapidly expanded, each one easily the length of Jack’s staff if not larger. Jack leaned forward, resting his hands on his knees as he panted for breath. “They… didn’t do that before.” Jack gasped for air. “Weren’t as large?” Bunny asked, using his wings to move him closer for a better look, to look at Jack’s face in concern. “No.” Jack confessed, his eyes wide and slightly scared.“Yer a Guardian now.” Bunny pointed out. And had a heck of a lot more of a power base than when Jack was a young spirit. “True.” Jack admitted, then gasped. “Oh, crap.” He gasped. The butterfly wings trembled, then suddenly erupted in a riot of colour, no longer see through, but completely solid. “Oh.” Bunny breathed. The front, where Bunny was currently looking, was a swirl of white, fracturing the light like ice. Jack lifted a wing to look at it, his expression clearing into a pleased, almost proud look. “Nice.” He breathed, turning and extending his wings, showing them off. “How’s the back?” Bunny’s breath caught in his throat. “Oh, Jack.” “What?” Jack twisted to try to see what Bunny was looking at, hitting himself in the face with a wing. “They’re blue.” Bunny resisted the urge to touch. They weren’t just blue, but nearly every shade of sky blue he could think of, from the rich deep colour of midnight blue contrasting against Jack’s frosty skin, to the cerulean of Jack’s eyes, and fading to the near white of the sky at high noon on the edges. There were tiny flickering spots of white like snowflakes on the tips of the wings, and bold deep deep black lines that framed the colours, never trapping but enhancing the colours. The colour glimmered and shifted, never static, catching the light and nearly reflecting it back. Jack had the sky on his back. Bunny felt like he could stare at those wings and never get tired of looking at them. 

“Bunny?” Jack’s soft voice wavered, and Bunny realised that Jack had probably been repeating his name. “You’re kinda worrying me. What are you thinking?” He was thinking they were glorious, and beautiful. He was thinking of the look of pain on Jack's face as he'd revealed his hidden wings, and how much worse it was going to be, watching them shrunken, folded and hidden away. Knowing that they were there, and hidden away. That Jack felt like he needed to protect this part of himself from everyone, including them, instead of showing off how beautiful he was. “Nope.” Bunny said firmly. “Nope, you’re not putting those away again.” “Like hell.” Jack countered, voice cracking slightly in anger. “When you were a young spirit, they were tiny and sparkly.” Bunny drawled, resisting the urge to run his paw pads against the lovely curve of Jack’s wings. “Might been real embarrassing you said, like fairy wings.” “Yeah-?” Jack hesitantly agreed. “Well, they’re not any more and I will rip the hands off of anyone who tries to damage them, swear to my googies.” Jack jerked for a moment, then let out a breathless laugh.  “What?” “I’m claiming them, they’re mine.” Bunny said, only slightly joking. “Bunny.” Jack gave him a bit of annoyed glare. “You cannot go around claiming other people’s wings as your own.” “Can too.” “Can not.” “Can too.” Bunny stubbornly countered. “You didn’t want em, so I’m claiming them.” Jack let out a soft huff. “They’re a part of me, it’s not like I can take them off and give them to you.” “Then I guess I’m claiming you too.” Bunny stated calmly. Jack stared at him, eyes wide and vulnerable. “Don’t say that unless you mean it.” “I wouldn’t say it unless I meant it.” Bunny laughed, slightly hysterical as his brain caught up to his mouth. He meant it though, every word. He motion over his shoulder. “Ya think I show my wings ta anyone? North’s the only one who’s ever seen them, even that was an accident.” No one else was given as much access to Bunny's home, or spent this much time just chin wagging. He liked Jack, and wanted to keep him around as much as he could. He'd just never thought he could say it to Jack. Except now he had, and Jack was standing there, staring at him, and Bunny could feel his heart sinking. “…. Oh.” Jack finally blinked at him, blue eyes the same colours of his wings. Then his face split into a wide grin. “You think my wings are pretty.” He drawled playfully. Bunny ducked his head. “Yeah.” He muttered, feeling slightly foolish now. “You wanna keep them.” Jack sing-sang. “… Yeah.” “You wanna keep me.” “Yup.” “Okay.” Jack grinned at him, stepping closer. Bunny stared. “I… really?” “Yup.” Jack reached his hand up, as if to touch one of Bunny’s wings, then hesitated. Bunny moved his wing so that it pressed up against Jack’s cool palm. He shivered slightly at the feeling, the joy that lingered just under the barrier of Jack’s skin and tickled his senses. Jack’s smile shifted to something milder, and infinitely more soft. “Guess you can say I’ve been looking for someone to spread my wings with.” -fin- The basis for Jack’s Wings, the White Admiral: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limenitis_arthemis#/media/File:Limenitis_arthemis_astyanax_in_Hot_Springs_National_Park.jpg It was going to be a Blue Emperor (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morpho_peleides), but that’s a tropical butterfly.

[hopehauntedmydays-blog]

NDRV3 FINAL THOUGHTS + REVIEW

Whew-finally finished it! A bit late for this but I can say this I’m very pleased with the game overall it’s a 7/8 in my book. 

The BEST about this game is unlike the first two games it gave me a different feeling compared to the game’s predecessors where as they were pretty much the same of “OH MY GOD-THE MASTERMIND IS ONE OF THEM” or “FUCK WE ARE THE BAD GUYS!” still amazing twists by the way. I get into this more of this at the end let’s just start with the basics of style and soundtrack. 

Everything was just so fluid and more flowing so real it felt as if I was like actually there in the game itself--it makes the 3D we have for movies look tame in comparison--anyway moving on, aesthetic wise it’s visually stunning to look at (I wanna know how many of you actually visited many of the places in the game itself just to see the places over and over again). Kodaka said the game was going to be a massive make over and it fits with the theme Psycho Cool, the characters designs also match the maturity of the game’s theme, I like the fact that unlike designs of Makoto and Hajime pretty much everyone looks relatively normal where as they were the only ones that seemed that way. 

Okay the musical score Masafumi did a good job as always but was I impressed with the soundtrack? Only slightly--more a “ehh” or “meh” kind of feeling, I felt like some of them were just remixes of the original but they did provide some good tunes that is the series own. 

OKAY NOW ON TO THE MAIN STORY--After I completed the game I did some searching to see what the reception was and wow it was pretty decisive between you guys some hate it, some love it, and the third and fourth camp either agree with the Japanese or remain neutral on the matter leaving it ambiguous as to what party will these opinions go to. 

Just stating the facts first--Any thoughts that are solely on reading what everybody posting and watching streams that are translated with pending accuracy from different people should be taken with a grain of salt until it’s eventual English release as many people are basing opinions several things:

1.KAEDE HAS DIED--I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE. 

2. THE ENGLISH AUDIENCE OPINIONS DON’T MATTER--ONLY THE JAPANESE CAN SAY THINGS, THEIR THOUGHTS ARE ONLY ONES THAT MATTER (I have been seeing people using this as an example like what you guys can’t think for yourself it’s sad, some even going outright admitting that only the Japanese matter and the English release will change nothing.) 

3.SHIPPING REASONS (ENOUGH SAID) 

Like it’s with all the characters Kaede and Rantarou are particularly the main target behind this as well as Ouma and Kiibo, like people are now listing the reasons they never cared less for the game and just the ships, that’s it. 

4. I READ SO AND SO FROM SEVERAL POSTS OVER THE INTERNET--I NOW KNOW EVERYTHING. 

...I don’t really need to explain this one now do I? It happened with the fake spoilers being spread by liars--people only have themselves to blame for believing the nonsense and getting themselves let down is one of the deciding factors for the game’s negativity. So combine this point with the others and what do you get people trying to make out the game is terrible and was no good and that it deserves to be dumped. 

The game does not lack anything, neither does the writing suffer the one thing Kodaka managed to do was give all the characters screen time as we learn little things about everyone (I’m not talking about the Free Time Events) compared to the previous games were the characters we so hope to learn so much about don’t get any at all in the game or nothing beyond other sourced materials, everyone gets a moment throughout the game nobody is left out--However though there are some that should of been briefly explored a little more besides continuing flash-backs through out the game. 

Now this where the negative stuff starts--I felt the formula of the murders were very very much to of the Hopes Peak Saga and Kodaka could of came up with something different, the victims however some were very different and didn’t stay the same for the final survivor count, I was pleased when Kodaka showed that not everyone was going to have plot armour which he failed to do for the anime itself. 

Also the distraction of the old game characters coming up in the Final Part I didn’t really want to see any of them after awhile I was expecting this to be solely focused on the 16 students in this game only, even though they were delivered by a third party it doesn’t matter they were still there. 

My Final words on this: KODAKA YOU ABSOULTEY MAD-MAN YOU ARE DOING THAT THING WHERE YOU DO SOMETHING THAT GETS EVERYBODY TO HATE YOU BUT THEY STILL LIKE YOU AT THE SAME TIME, IF I EVER MEET YOU I WANT TO THANK YOU BUT NOT BEFORE KICKING YOU IN THE BALLS YELLING OUT: SORE WA CHIAGU YO.

So yeah guys that’s it really--I would definitely recommend the game to be played it was worth it and definitely had me screaming at most things. The game was fantastic and I urge you guys to take a crack at the English Version. 

I just like slapping things around searching for money.

Also staring at Rantaro’s ass ;)