#im just not comfortable being perceived
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Just suddenly got perceived in public for the first time, panicked, and misgendered myself 🥲
#not sure how to explain to my coworker if i start being weird and avoiding them it isnt personal#im just not comfortable being perceived#anyway thats the reason you never find pronouns in my bios!!! all perceptions of gender are incorrect!!!#i am AT BEST a they/them but even thats not completely correct#existence fail
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The start of the Loop segment of the Siffrin & friends twitter QNA, and the message that flipped Loop's answers from silly to dodgy and blatantly upset.
Loopchat from speaking to Loop 20+ times.
Certified Loop dysphoria post
#isat loop#isat spoilers#i was gonna make a whole semisilly post abt how i think the public perception of loop as 'cunty' is kind of funny#(has bought into it before)#but to be honest it just made me start thinking more abt how loop perceives themself.#loop telling siffrin not to die too early so they have more time to go :( at siffrin's drawing. or well i guess it'd be :#man.#it does....interest me#siffrin seems to not be particularly dysphoric in like a gender sense. expresses interest in body craft but thinks#(You dont mind inhabiting this meat prison for the time being.) as well so#but by becoming a star loop kind of. simultaneously loses the freedom to Change the way they want to. no guarantee bodycraft works on stars#and loses the comfort of inhabiting their own body#congrats on the new body loop! sorry about the dysphoria#for as much as it's fun to poke at loop for being very obvious once you Know#it does. resonate something with me i guess that of all things this is one of the few things that loop isn't very good at deflecting about.#(in the sense of cutting the conversation short before it becomes capital o Obvious they are upset anyways)#i'm aware they were already transgender before becoming a star. but very transgender of you loop#oh! i guess i can say on the topic of cunty loop#it's kind of funny. like im not immune to drawing Cute Loops or making them silly and dramatic and flirty#and i think the thread of Drama they show on top of their not-typically-masculine (ig???) demeanor and flirting with siffrin#makes the perception of them as like. there has to be a better word than cunty but. cunty. somewhat understandable#once more the loop has deceived you. i mean i do think the drama is a little bit real they are a hashtag theater kid#but they have deceived you. you have fallen into their spiderweb of believing they are anything other than the world's most miserable beast#with your help we can crowdfund enough silver coins to buy loop a dysphoria hoodie. if we hit our stretch goal it can have a print on it
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love thinking kipperlilly spends her afterlife looking for lucy in a familiar forest
#not art#fhjy#fhjy spoilers#like. does she have a mean of knowing lucy and yolanda got sent to cassandra's domain to hang out for a bit#kipperlilly's isolation means so much to me. she is punished for everything she's done she just doesn't pick up on it#until the moment she dies! one more funky thing that mirrors riz in which he's actively tried to cultivate a community and denied it#until the bad kids. while kipperlilly does not want or care about a community she just wants someone who validates her#but she does Need a community so she latches onto the person she lets closer to her to fulfill her emotional needs#she took the ritual willingly so this might genuinely be her first death. probably terrifying#probably not even enough bandwidth to feel mortified. maybe immediately seeking something comforting out of instinct alone#lmao honestly thinking too much abt fantasy high afterlifes gives me a headache And a visceral fear#Im not religious but I grew up in a culture with a dominantly buddhist/taoist cosmology its Scary that u just go to A Place after u die!!#and then ur still urself!!! thats scary to me what do u mean u stay like that forever. thats fucked#but yeah I think this influences how I see kipperlilly turn out a little bit. in a sense I think of her as being a ghost now#yknow. trying to solve something from life so she can move on and. stop living this life etc#man the reveal that lucy took being killed pretty seriously and is like yeah the others are decent and even sweet#and probably was just trying to hold her party together and do what she thinks is moral by hearing kipperlilly out#lol lmao etc. gods I gotta wonder how kipperlilly's mindset handled jawbones' help#it really is damn tragic tho. I stand by what I said folks like this will complain and be nasty to be around#but they dont have enough desire to inconvenience themselves to off the bat do something abt what they find unfair or whatever#its when theyre handed the seemingly very easy means to be right that they'll start being dangerous#its horribly tragic that the supposed metaplayer and the self-perceived mastermind turned out to ultimately be just an useful idiot#yknow what. I think personally in my heart kipperlilly moves on from her afterlife the moment she says sorry#doesnt even have to be to lucy but that's probably gonna be who received it#ah.... teenage rebellion. teenage gamejacking
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Something about how Ayden is only 15 and the Moonweaver is also often represented as a young girl. The Sun and the Moon being young, curious, and so in love with the mortal world. Does the Dawnfather ever take the form of a child still, like his sister? Are there moments when he lets himself be the same hopeful, soft, carefree soul? Do they see themselves reflected a bit in each other--?
#the sun and the moon both being kids...is that how the other gods always see them too--#ayden cr#critical role downfall#im about to watch the second episode hope i dont cry--#also there is. something interesting about how comforting and reassuring most people find ayden#whereas thats how people perceive the moonweaver's older form and yet when molly/lucien sees her as a kid he finds her to be#very off putting and even 'creepy' in comparison instead of how very maternal and soothing she felt before--#its just an interesting inversion--
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Maybe I’m okay with it if Hirano never traditionally “loves” Kagi. Or anyone. Maybe it never will turn into the same kind of love Kagi feels. Kagi is nevertheless such a source of inspiration and strength and comfort to Hirano. Even if he never feels a desire to touch or get married or whatever. Maybe he does it because Kagi asks and he loves making Kagi happy most of all. He wouldn’t seek it if not asked. But Kagi is always asking. And he knows it makes Kagi happy. Does anyone see the vision. Do you understand. Maybe kagi will be okay with it if Hirano never “loves” him the same way Kagi loves him. Because he knows how Hirano works and he knows how Hirano cares. And he knows he is unique to Hirano. He knows Hirano wouldn’t do these things with anyone else. And that’s still love in its own way.
#every day I convince myself more and more of aroace-spec Hirano#or maybe the perceived slow-burn is getting to me#it’s like. I kind of keep forgetting that there is still going to be more relationship and character development#but also. At this point in time at least they are so queerplatonic to me#AND it all wraps back around to the theme of different kinds of love#we do not love each other in the same ways. but that’s what makes it special#also a queerplatonic relationship answers all the weird limbo relationship stuff they have goin on in future ssmy chapters#idk. anyways. maybe im crazy#also all comes back to How do you quantify being someone’s most important person#Kagi WILL be the most important person to Kagi. it’s just a question of how that manifests#at this point I can’t imagine it manifesting in Hirano necessarily wanting to touch Kagi or saying things like I love you#it’s simply. laughter and happiness and comfort#they are already old together. do you get it#I never feel like I’m properly able to explain the feelings I have. whatever#surely someone gets it#sunnfish.kghr#Hirano to kagiura#Hirano and kagiura
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hello why is kaishin more popular than shinkai or what i mean is why bottom shinichi is like the most widely believed one? lol not really in the fandom just vaguely familiar with the anime from childhood it's just my mutuals likes this ship. i'd thought shinichi being the top would be more popular given his personality.
anon sorry for the late answer!!
imma be real honest with you, anon, i've loved the kidco dynamic since i was conan-sized but i only realized kaishin should be making out around 2021 so i don't know if i'm the best person to answer this question LOL BUT, i'll give you an answer!
tbh, i think for fandom shipping in general, the main character more often than not is the chosen bottom and whoever else is the other party is topping them. in japanese media especially, the ship names are mostly born from putting the kanji of their names together wherein the order of which indicates the seme and uke. since this happens early on, we kinda get stuck with that as the popular ship name whether you prefer the other way later on.
perhaps kaishin is more popular but not entirely by a lot compared to other ships where it's completely skewed to one side. i see a lot of shinkai too. ofc there are people who prefer one way over the other exclusively and that's completely fine!
personally, i think confining them into seme and uke or top and bottom does a great disservice to the kaishin dynamic because to me we should be looking at their sub-dom dynamic more and why they're actually peak switch sub and dom!!!!
that's fucking right kaishin is actually peak switch and i will die on this fucking hill!!!!!!!!!!
when you say shinichi would be the "obvious top," i'd like to assume in your heart you actually meant "the obvious dom" (LOL) but i think that could also apply to kaito.
i think the appeal of kaishin is the push and pull between them. the give and take. they're always trying to one-up each other. sometimes one pushes and the other gives way, sometimes it's the other way around.
i will be honest, perhaps switch pairings might just be my preference but I have never encountered a pairing that felt this completely equal in the switch department more than kaishin. like for other ships i'd sometimes be like, "yeah they switch but A is 70% more dom than B." But for kaishin I'm like, "oKAY THEY'RE 50/50 THEY'RE EQUALS THEY'RE PERFECT HALVES RAAAAAHHHH"
now how does this answer your question? well, i have no proof and im going off of vibes and like i said im no veteran in this ship fandom but, i think a lot of people do enjoy the other way around as you think it would've been. it's just that...it's something that can just be filed under the kaishin tag too. because it's basically the same sometimes. the only different thing is who's topping and bottoming. like sometimes i'm scrolling through twitter and i'd see art that's giving shinkai but it's tagged as kaishin and vice versa lol.
also personally i prefer calling them kaishin because i love the letter k and i associate the name shinkai more with makoto shinkai so every time i see people refer to kaishin as shinkai, my mind just conjures up an image of kaito, shinichi, and makoto shinkai together and i know that's fucking hilariously weird but it sometimes happens!!!! LMAO so even if i'm thinking about shinkai stuff, i still prefer using the name kaishin lol.
(but having the kaishin/shinkai distinction is definitely still useful especially for people who want to filter through one way or the other so fuck yeah to the ship name shinkai you're here to stay!!!)
anyway in conclusion, top shinichi is popular too dw lol, or maybe i should say bottom kaito is popular too lol i see yalls
also sorry that this answer is not only late but also a whole essay that doesn't even straightforwardly answer your question lol my bad anon
#replies#dc prattles#anon if you're out there.....im sorry this is late af lol it was hard to gather my thoughts#ALSO KAISHIN PEAK SWITCH BABEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY#also didnt mean to dunk on seme uke and top bottom but like im tireeeeed of it!!!!! like yeah it's fun dont get me wrong and sometimes it's#easier to just put characters into easy boxes like these#but!!!!!!!!!!!!#kaishin is much too complex for that!!!!!!!!!!!!!#their very appeal is how they're both opposites but similar!!!!#they are not a linear contrast they are a juxtaposition in a loop!!!!!! i love them too much to not explore their nuances and intricacies!!#also i wanted to say another thing about the main character being the bottom frequently but i have no facts to back it up just vibes LOL#but i think since main characters are mostly designed for us to like them#we do end up liking them so much so that we just want to sometimes hug and comfort them#and idk i feel like being taken care of and comforted is mostly associated with people who bottom#(which btw i rly think sometimes people mean sub when they say bottom lol)#ANYWAYS i have no proof of that tho just vibes so take it with a grain of salt#also anon.....when you ask why the majority prefers a specific character to bottom.....sometimes there's no deep reason ngl like#sometimes they just want their faves to get fucked and that's okay too LMAO#btw guys i do enjoy shinkai i just like calling it kaishin anyways lmaooooo im sorry i know im ruining the archiving of kaishin but i just!#makoto shinkai existed in my mind before gay thief and detective kissing each other im sorry!!!!!!#5cm per second destroyed me okay!!!!!!#yeah also im not tagging this with ksn/snk i dont want to be perceived that much by people who will disagree lol i said i'd fight yall#for peak switch kaishin but like who tf cares honestly as long ur having fun with whatever version of kaishin you want kaishin to be then#you're good to go#anon
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it is still so wild 2 me i have someone i can be comfortable with and even gives me More energy to spend time around i truly never thought it would be possible. never before seen in my whole 23 years of living
#even when im alone im just damn wish my bf was here rn :[ wish i could listen 2 them talk rn :[[#doing anything like hrm :( wish they were here experiencing this with me#when usually the second an interaction is done with anyone i retreat and go to writhe in embarrassment at even having been perceived#the shame of existing Gets Me#the less people around at any given point makes me stronger n more safe#but not w them... .. . with them i am Safe.. .#for the first time ever#and im capable of being silly n having fun instead of stiff n terrified and frozen into mutism#i hav tried my whole life to be social#n i never could get it to work#i never felt comfortable even w friends i had for years or even my exgf or family#n yet somehow.. .. it just Happened.. . n now im here#& i still dont know how#but i am so yippee#& i am so in lov#i got em.. .#best person in the world#funniest hottest loveliest coolest most loving person
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Transphobes like...realize that kids still have free will and can recognize things when they're being 'socalized' by their agab, right? I was taught growing up to have a lot of 'girl' friends and to make those friends by talking about my feelings or w/e rather than my interests. I was taught that I was a woman, and that women act a certain way, dress a certain way, look a certain way. And I fuckin' tried, and I fuckin' hated it! I had the 'female socialization' that taught me my job was a caretaker and being pretty, and I fought against it. The minute puberty hit I started wearing jeans and t-shirts every day, my mom FOUGHT to get me to wear a dress to formal occasions, 90% of my friends were dudes who I befriended by talking about my decidedly un-feminine interests with. I did not like what I was being taught to be, and it wasn't something that being butch or a 'tomboy' could solve. I'm so, so much happier and emotionally stable with testosterone in my body and a beard on my face and hair covering my body than I ever was when I was trying to be a 'tomboy' or that I had any interest in performing femininity.
#spitblaze says things#i am more comfortable in my body now than I have ever been in my entire goddamn life#i could NOT have done this if i had just said 'i guess im a butch woman'#i would STILL be picking apart every flaw in my body in the mirror#i would STILL be watching people tell me im super hot and have zero idea what they were seeing in me#and now im a gay bear! i get way less compliments but i look in the mirror and go 'god damn i look good' and the fact that *I* like it#makes up for the fact that 'fat dude' is a less desired body type on average#tldr i enjoy presenting as a man and being perceived as a man rather than my agab and i heard somewhere that thats not very cis of me
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(genderly) chill as hell if i was only ever glimpsed / detected like this
#Shrouded In A Rectangle neither sleeves nor an open front to be besieged with? yes#just doing whatever else like doesn't matter. tee cargo shorts which is my best guess rn of my ideal outfit. + sandals Absolutely#unfortunately my hair could never do that. somehow neither am i yet like forties fifties? have i not been at this for eons?#i Can be like uh let's just nobody talk to me i'm busy pensively perceiving truths that you don't ever actually wanna hear about#just the other day it was like hey....a [way Having To Talk could be a difficulty / problem] was under my nose in this lifelong pattern#certainly noticing the Verbal Exchange Demand heaped upon burnout as like [delay delay delay struggle weariness stress]#but also who knows like spent plenty of time just probably indeed Not having to have such exchanges while burned out. not noting them#anyway like this isn't even [dysphoric Ideal Outfit until i could [whatever supposed even more ideal than that gender euphoria]]#though shoutout to that but like nah get shrouded anyway. the only [how do i look] im motivated to consider is: when it's a costume#when it's just me it's like. i guess whatever pants and a comfortable enough tee. need glasses. hair's w/e so cut quite short ig#might accessorize w/things that are fun to me like hey yeah yknow i might want a calculator watch#[yea as a kid it was like :( im actively appreciating the animals supposedly Gross or Bad] if i had hated little friends Sure yaay#if i had disorienting light effects like a pelagic creature. but you don't even need that. like hey i'm nd in real life. i got it#chat i'm in the walls too bestie lmao. if only my bigfoot pose reference Step was this good#tl;dr long rephrasing of my being like; now the gender slay....#& nodding & Noting when [worksheet exercise: what's your gender euphoria look?] is like shrug idk. but this is serving maximally to me; so#going Chat how can i up my uncanny stats. looking up ''isn't it like Uncanny knowledge e.g. so like why not....canny''#but i think the un canny is the Uncanniness Accuser's perspective. not of My ken. your literal weird one maybe#so again apt to be like jk i'm just autistic & shit; i got it....horror shit challenge impossible: Don't have sm typical mundane#[disability moment] as like Unsettling danger/malice cues. challenge impossible; again#subverted here like as [horror holding hands touching foreheads w/comedy] w/o Rescinding just casual disabled behavior/qualities#just remembered like three witches weird sisters etc macbeth. weird uncanny soothsaying gendering. word#anyway i should be shrouded (made no any connection whenever i put the blanket now over my head & shoulders in place min ago)#perhaps the real Ideal Look insight: i do not have any way i wish to be observed by people. secret passages / removed room anytime
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thinking about this 🫶
#i feel like dream is already feeling more comfortable and settled with just being perceived in general which is wonderful#like hes figuring out what clothes and jewellery and styles he likes#and he got his ear pierced!!#and he might want a tattoo!!#like the world is your oyster🫶#im just so happy for him#dwt#dreamwastaken#peach post
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You are allowed to think what you like, obviously, but since you said that you weren't following the full coverage on it i just wanted to let you know that there were only five people (plus the pilot) on board the "submarine" and they were all billionaire business men.
okay ty! yah like i said it wasn't an informed opinion on the situation, just an inarticulate reflection on the current state of my dash haha. mainly it's just a generalised personal discomfort with media coverage of tragedies lol. obvs billionaires are inherently unethical and don't need defending so it's not even rly about them tbh. intended as more of a personal post than serious commentary yk (honestly i assumed there were some kinda employees on board along with them sjdjgjf - i'm uninformed mostly on purpose lol, i feel uncomfortable looking for details. but thanks for clarifying + not being rude dw i hear you)
#i forget how many active followers i have tbh haha#not to tmi and i don't wanna talk abt it more but a friend of mine died alone in a hiking accident on the other side of the world last week#and within hours of her being found i had a fucking news reporter messaging me on facebook asking to comment for their 'tribute' to her#so im Sensitive abt it sjdkfjg#as a general rule im not rly comfortable w paying close attention to news of unexpected deaths unless they're like. public political figures#i saw an arcticle on my dash about like. the family of one of the ppl involved w ppl joking abt their perceived reactions and i just can't#personally get on board with it 😭 i just think ppl have the right to mourn privately even if they're evil#it's abt the mourning thing specifically tbh#this is also the. Third time i've had journalists get nosy abt an untimely death of a friend/relative#i just can't vibe w morbid curiousity abt recent/ongoing accidents tbh (even tho i know it's a pretty natural thing to do)#anyway this is once again a personal post not trying to get into discourse over this pls (ur fine anon this doesnt count)
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uterus has been yeeterused
#so i had a hysterectomy about two weeks ago and it's insane how much better i feel not only physically but mentally#i havent felt this in tune with my body since i was a kid#i finally feel like im on the path to how i want my body to be like and i never understood just how much i was affected by#both gender dysphoria and physical disease (endometriosis) until i got almost everything removed in there#im solidly sure im nonbinary now instead of having conflicting feelings about it#i feel much better about expressing my strange femininity and being perceived as feminine#i feel more spiritual too?? idk how to describe it#im just confused a little about why this had such a big impact on me since yeah it did give me dysphoria to a degree but i didnt think it#was THAT bad#i feel more in tune with my child self; like i feel like a grown up version of my 9 year old self and more confident#my mind is much calmer and i just feel so present and one with my body. i finally feel like i could meditate comfortably withouf wanting to#escape my mind or body?? idk idk it's so so weird#anyway im also in much less pain despite not being able to do much of anything and still healing from surgery#and i know that having this done isnt a cure but god i hope i get lucky and that the endo doesnt come back anyway#it's amazing to be able to love my body instead of being mad at it because it causes me pain and does things that i dont want it to#idk if that's a fully healthy mindset or not but that#that's what's been going on in my life so far
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i adore this scene dearly they are so doomed
#talk#smth smth whenever i get to this arc i just enjoy how their characters have changed from when they were little to know WHILE still#maintaining their core traits and fears. like sapphire is a lot more comfortable expressing herself as of ruby#accepting his whole deals with battles and having a more straightforward way of thinking#HOWEVER. their core flaws are also just as present. well in this case its ruby.#he LITERALLY stretches his hand out for her he's literally doing whatever he thinks is best for sapphire which is by not opening up#and hiding the whole situation from her which is. so bad. he's 15 running under a timer#and of course he wants to protect those he loves and wants to do more! but in turn.#he loses her trust. outright kind of confirming what she rlly hates the most. leaving her behind. leaving her out of ideas.#sapphire has a whole plethora of issues as well they're just not as focused on. she literally loses her voice. cause she feels like she's#not trusted to be competent in this situation. whether or not she knows that ruby does it out of genuine care is a bit out there.#and being perceived as weak and not enough rlly. drives home again. that damned salamence incident. guh.#ok thats all i have in the brain#im such a big fan of these two and their cycle of doom until they both get like. three layers of therapy.#coughs blood pokespe oras arc you are awfully rushed but u do have some rlly neat points
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that rant I made a while back abt fandom treating haurche like a fridged woman is sitting on my spirit again
yeah I know ppl can write what they want, curate my space etc but if I blocked everyone who did this I would literally have no one to interact w in the ishgardian corner and this is exactly why it’s so frustrating
#some days I really feel like snapping and going into the proverbial wilderness#I just do not want to read see or perceive any more of this ‘he died to make my wol a better hero’ shit anymore#and that is literally all anybody does#I am tired of my favorite character being treated like this#like nothing in his life mattered#like HE didn’t matter#except for dying and making ppl sad and cry and be comforted by ‘real npc li’#hell is being a fan of his in 2023#im sorry I’m just inundated with this today and I was already in a bad brain space#negativity cw
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wanting to comfort someone so bad but not knowing how to approach bc youre mutuals but youre not like. friends friends suckkkk
#i know we all say that all of our mutuals are our friends and i agree but its not. the same ? idk how to word it#sure we interact sometimes but weve never talked were not close but i want you to be okay and happy so bad i want to hug you and comfort yo#and tell you that everythings gonna be okay#maybe its just me and my anxiety. my fear of being perceived in a negative way. yknow#i dont want you to think im weird or something even though i would never think of someone that way if they reached out to comfort me when-#-were not close but still mutuals#does that even make sense#idk. this is probably silly#and i would never want to like. overstep anyones boundaries#i love you even if were not close friends#cami.txt
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I feel like a bit of a fraud lol…
#text post#having more gender and sexuality thoughts and stuff#I realize I only ID as nonbinary bc I actually just don’t know what my gender is#some nonbinary people a very confident in their identity as that and I’m just over here like ‘idk bro’#i feel like when I present as masculine it’s more comfortable but it feels like im tricking people into thinking im a trans guy#but when I present as feminine it’s ‘not enough’ I want high femme fantasy like a fashion doll or Lolita fashion#but I can’t achieve that so I feel like im failing short#and it’s impossible for me to present as androgynous to other because of how people perceive black people#this coupled with being bi and how people treat bi people and still not feeling as ‘gay’ as everyone else#fuck man…
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