#im irrational abt them two

[littlemissemeritus]

@fukindork i will sell you my first born child PLEASE hand it over

[guinevereslancelot]

me when i should reach out for support and admit that i'm struggling: i should isolate myself and pretend everything is fine

[alebrijediscordico]

i need to sleep soon, but i've been rotating pastra's new video with his own retelling of the jeff the killer creepypasta and. mein gott……

first of, Go Watch 🔫

and second of, spoilers under the cut, bc im gonna ramble abt it now!!

so there's thing ive noticed of a few rewrites i have read before is that many times the authors take a lot of creative liberties while rewriting and, well, many of them interested me a lot ngl! most of them are full rewrites with almost no similarities to the og story that isnt the characters and maybe one or two plot points, and i think about them and it amazes me how one can change a characters story and still make it feel like the same character

but the thing about pastra's rewrite, is that they understands Who jeff the killer is and What jeff is, and not only gives the original story's Feeling an actual structure, but a Why for it too

and that starts with the who. jeff is a villain in most narratives that had included him before, even if the original creepypasta aimed (?) for him to be sort of the empathetic, like. back then he was but a kid, maybe a violent one, but a kid that fell to his most destructive urges nevertheless (and with this extra, irrational fear that i think was more of a personal observation when i first hear of this creepypasta when i was Really young, of "oh god, what if turn out like Him" since he was around my age then, but anyways.)

but this jeff is not a kid anymore, is actually of college age, and for most of this rewrite's narrative he is this looming terror on the loose; death with a rotting, self made smile. and as more things are revealed, and both the detectives and audience get closer to jeff, at first one would think is going with the same, empathetic route like the original, with the bullies and stuff, but since we already know how that goes, pastra actually Uses that to get people by surprise and… no, he isn't just a kid, or in this case a man, Driven to madness by circumstances. he starts a villain, ends a villain

which perfectly pictures what jeff as a concept was and is in essence:

a brutal, unpredictable force of violence; a monster

and that's what makes him scary again, because he is still a human after all, but his actions slowly take away that until only his appearance, no matter how mutilated it is by that point, is what anchors him to his humanity; a tether to it made out of a spider's web string

like i remember listening to the narration in the background while playing splatoon some days ago, and sometimes having to pause the game just to listen more attentively. and in some parts, specially towards the end, making me actually feel kinda scared, not only for liu (which is also Very well written and the role he plays to connect jeff's past to the present and reveal his true intentions is Amazing), but for every single one of the witnesses too

and then that part. that one part after staying convinced most of the video that this rewrite would follow a similar plot as the original, liu says "but no. it was just… jeff" LIKE- that legit gave me Chills, and minutes after jeff's infamous phrase Actually used well??? like as i said, this actually brought back some of that fear from the original, tho it mostly impressed me for the execution, but genuinely what the fuck (legit said out loud while listening "are they gonna- no they won't- HE DID…")

n. well, this is less about the creepypasta now, but just me thinking how good pastra's storytelling is, the story's structure feels so clean and interconnected, the pacing is so nice but it has that touch of his that is across all his videos. and the voice acting!! the man genuinely sounded insane when jeff did, is incredible :D

[absurdumsid]

I AM HERE TO ASK ABOUT YOUR AU'S TELL ME ALL ABOUT THEM THEY LOOK SO NICE I WANNA KNOW THE STORIES I WANNA MAKE FAN ART

SHOW MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *SHAKES YOUR DOOR KNOBS* LET ME KNOWWWWWWWWWWW AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

OUHFHGFH OK BAR SANSES (BS AU) LORE TIME

The simplest ? explanation for it is Dust becomes Evil Ccino where his AU's Grillby's becomes Nightmare's "headquarters" but also other AU Hoppers' (like Error and um. one of my ocs) one stop bar. Dust is evil Ccino.... (I love putting characters in roles that theyre not supposed to have)

This takes place mostly in Dusttale and Farmtale with character focus shifting between the bad sanses. It was born from an extremely old fanfic I rediscovered (and never published, thank goodness) and built up from these two asks (Dust's tab, Dust's cooking/drinking) from the official ask-dusttale blog.

I've got some plot I'd like to hide for now so you can instead have a summary of the current state of the au !

BS AU LORE !!

Dust lives in an abandoned AU where the human has not come back. In order to pass time, he decides to take up bartending by himself (for himself). He finds some of Grillby's recipes at the back of the bar and "borrows" an apron while he fails time and again but keeps mixing drinks. Alcohol is alcohol after all.

Eventually, Nightmare stumbles into Dust's AU with an injured Killer who was shot by several of Dream's arrows. Dust confronts the two and initiates a fight, assuming that they were enemies and honestly a bit freaked out by them having his face. After a "scuffle," Killer almost dying, and a lot of negotiation from Nightmare, Dust allows them to stay at the inn.

Dust, after figuring out Nightmare and Killer are broke and probably starving, invites them to Grillby's (which surprises the two. Killer actually thought he was planning to poison them). But this eventually becomes somewhat routine-like, with Nightmare and Killer getting somewhat comfortable with Dust, though he still keeps his distance.

Some time later, Nightmare goes out to see if he can get some supplies to repay Dust, hopping through several AUs but unfortunately running into Dream in one of them. This starts a chase that ends with Nightmare in HorrorTale, where he kidnaps the Sans that just happened to see him and his brother. He immediately goes back to DustTale, which, because of the absence of positive emotions, Dream is unable to access.

Horror, startled by the new environment, two more doppelgangers, and the dust leaving him struggling for breath, attacks Nightmare and defends himself (justifiably so, the kidnapping was irrational, and now Nightmare can't bring Horror back to his AU). Nightmare once again negotiates a way for them to coexist and Dust offers to let Horror sleep at his house, saying that he usually sleeps at sentry stations anyway.

AFTER THIS IS SILLY PLOT STUFF !!

if u wanna read more um,,,, many of my saejun headcanons are actually canon in this AU,,,,,,, so u should go read those,,,,,,,,,,

ALSOO it's very VERY old but this is what the sillies look like in this AU ! I plan on revamping this for the site im making hehe (cross comes in at SOME POINT but we dont talk about that yet)

and if u wanna see the older bs related posts (because i didnt.... tag them properly) heres a bunch of links for things that are canon in this

Main BS Posts: 1 2 3 4

Stuff abt that Old Fic: 1 2 3

Saejun Existing: 1 2

BS Horror: 1 2 3(blood tw)

[transfaguette]

my thing abt "pronoun circles" is that like. you dont have to out yourself in them? if you think its safer to say "she/her" instead of "he/him" then u can do that? u saying ur pronouns isnt supposed to be like. Im Transgender And You Can Tell Bc I Told You Pronouns Instead Of Having You Assume Them... like ideally cis ppl would be doing this too and ive been in environments where cis ppl DID introduce themselves w pronouns or wear pins. if the goal is normalization, if the goal is "genderqueerness should be accepted" then we have to like. Do Things to Normalize It.

(bc this website is like an active pvp zone i wanna clarify im not trying to criticize you or start an argument...! ive had lots of Talks w my trans friends and family abt this and like I Get It lol and i dont necessarily disagree. likewise it's just my opinion that 'pronouns circles' are supposed to make things safer For Me and it is not for stealth trans people at all to begin with... i feel like ppl blame nonbinary folks for a lot of things transphobic cis ppl do vis a vis gender neutral language and 'pronoun circles' and stuff like 'you shouldnt assume ppls pronouns' a lot. which isnt what ur doing but it is the reason why im Sharing my two cents. anyways i hope u have a good day bye bye)

maybe it's a bit of irrational anxiety but i just hate misgendering myself because i'm just..lying. I feel like when someone who looks like me (presumed afab and not a typical cis female) says she/her, people breathe a sigh of relief. Like oh great, we thought you might have been trans but good to know you're not. and they cling to that. because queerness makes them uncomfortable and they don't want to be uncomfortable. and then if I ever want to get close to someone I feel like I have to shatter that expectation. I don't know. It's also why, for Me and Me specifically, giving my correct pronouns is going to be a confirmation of my transgender identity. not just because "giving your pronouns is something trans people do," but because people know I am not a cis man.

It's all about the environment, too. a queer meet up where I Want to be open about my identity, that makes perfect sense. Training at a new job? That's incredibly unfair to me, a person who is not stealth nor out, and just wants to exist in the world as myself. I don't know these people, I don't want to have to divulge this or get into it. It takes my agency away.

It does bother me a lot that this isn't a perfect solution and not everybody likes it. I wish there was something better. I wish it was simpler for me. I just know what I wish cis people understood and could be more careful about how they approach scenarios like this. I appreciate your kind approach though and I really, really wish this was an easier dilemma to solve.

[solar-halos]

spoilers for the ballad of songbirds and snakes movie down below!! but i just need to talk abt this in xtreme detail before i explode

1. i really liked the Baby Snow / Tigris inclusion. i was wondering if they’d include the cannibal scene

2. the beginning was just a straight up thirst trap sorry. like ik in the book snow was freaking out over his shirt but it didn’t rlly occur to me that he’d be butt booty naked. im not complaining bc i said it once and i’ll fucking say it again: i’m not watching someone be manipulative AND ugly for two fucking hours. it was just kinda a jump scare

3. also another concern was that you wouldn’t be able to tell how shitty of a person he was since he’s so outwardly nice but his internal monologue is slimy and ratworthy, so i thought they’d do the things movies do where he’s narrating his thoughts to the audience. yk like “hey persephone! <3. how are you??” and then his voiceover is like “i fucking hate this bitch. cannibalistic weirdo” but maybe that would have been too humorous

4. speaking of humor i actually loved lucky so fucking much. he rlly emulated the whole “what i lack in experience i make up for in personality :)” thing and just he kinda carried the fact that everything abt televising the games was so new. also that scene at the zoo where lucy gray asked him who the fuck he even was and the cameraman started laughing.. funny as fuck. enjoyed that part immensely

5. also she did in fact correct them that her name was lucy gray and not just lucy

6. loved the whole “how come she gets a mender” “MENTOR” part i’m also glad they kept that in

7. let’s go back to the beginning. i LOVE how closely they stuck to the book when it came to the shirt scene “that must be why it reminds me of my maids bathroom” THATS what i’m talking about

8. also clemensia is sooo pretty. one thing that irritated me was how OFTEN she and snow kept glancing over at each other during dean highbottom’s speech. like i know i’m being irrational abt this but most the time she would look over at him and he would NOT look back (or vice versa) instead of them BOTH hitting each other w the “what the fuck?” glance and something abt that did admittedly grind my gears

9. fucking love sejanus’ actor the first movie i saw him in was west side story and he ate here

10. speaking of that… coral fucking ate too every single scene i was on her side she was the victor to ME

11. anyway let’s go back a bit with the proposal gaul had snow (and clemensia) write up. to me, the way the scene unfolded was weird. it was supposed to show a contrast between clemensia mourning and snow not rlly giving a fuck, but clemenisa being the one saying “give me the bullet points” was strange. to me, i feel like the convo should have gone like: “how could gaul expect us to write that proposal i was crying over arcchane all night” “dw i already wrote it” “where did you find the time? i was too busy grieving” “do you want the bullet points or not?” or something. idk i’m not a movie writer

12. why did clemensia stick her hands in there maybe it was the same in the book but at that point she just needed to admit defeat

13. okay one thing i DO remember about the book is that no one at the cornocupia fought each other, reaper was literally the only one ready to fight. that kinda pissed me off bc i feel like they could have made it interesting in a emotional way (like showing how desperate the tributes are to escape in their own ways) instead of an action sort of way (bc GODDAMN where did they learn to brawl like that?? d4 makes sense but some of them were shooting ARROWS katniss everdeen style). but again im not a movie person so “interesting in an emotional way” is just me being pretentious

14. wovey </3. i’m not rlly sure why they had dill drink the water i think having wovey drink it like in the book would have packed more of a punch ESPECIALLY since lucy gray makes a comment abt how she reminds her of maude ivory / that scene where wovey holds her hand. maybe that was in the book too tho i’m not sure i haven’t read it since it came out. one change that i did remember AND tolerated was snow being the one to cause the whole fuck up w the drones “i wasn’t attacking the other tributes—i was just sending her water” VERY good scene, gave more insight to his character imo. like yes i would have loved a d3 moment but i think this tweak not only made sense but made everything much more nice and neat and smooth

15. okay the singing parts. loved the reaping, but lucy gray constantly being like “give me a second, boys” “let’s go, boys” reminded me of that one delaney video

16. “you can kiss my ass!!!!!!” she ate that

17. also oooo the song she sang abt billy taupe that made snow jealousssss. she was so good like ugh. idk something abt the >:( faces she made ignited something in me. which is exactly the point of lucy gray and rachel zegler literally did such a fantastic job playing maria in west side story so tbh what we were expecting if anyone could have played this role it was her

18. and then lawrence whatever saying this was a love story… okay. i’ve always had the opinion that lucy gray genuinely liked snow (like in a stockholm-y way) BUT snow was too blinded by control to actually love her back, so i could see where he was coming from. with that being said, i feel like in the books snow had a lot more moments where he was doing / saying “sweet” things to lucy gray, so the scene where they almost kissed and then her happiness at being reunited with him just seemed so awkward and out of place. like i get it they truly did not spend that much time together but the kiss before the arena was so important idk why they left it out. when they kissed after being reunited and when she was like :D after seeing him in 12 i was like “uhh yall don’t even know each other like that calm down”

19. let’s go back the arena. i like the little nod of lucy gray killing treech w rat poison, even if it was kinda anticlimactic

20. speaking of anticlimatic… the ending? sucked. like it would have been abrupt either way and maybe i’m just misremembering but the lucy gray showdown with treech could have been the action scene that replaced the bloodbath (bc the bloodbath didn’t exist back then!!! that was the whole point!!!). also i don’t remember gaul being so adamant about not wanting a victor at all, but i understand why they did that bc how else would they have incorporated the “get her out” chant

21. there were a lot of scenes that made me go “ohhh i wanna remember this forever that’s so good and clever.” of course i forgot abt most of it by the time the movie was over, but one scene that stuck out to me was when the capitol students got rlly fuckin angry when reaper tore down their flag

22. also i knew what happened to marcus but tell me why i gasped when i saw him hanging there anyway

23. i don’t remember lamina crying in the books??? also don’t understand why snow was against the alliance here i think him being confused abt it in the book was better bc i when i read it i remember being genuinely surprised that he was surprised that lucy gray wanted to team up w someone i was like ummm isn’t that common sense

24. “it isn’t fair i killed all those ppl for nothing.” GOOSEBUMPS

25. again maybe i’m misremembering but didn’t snow beat the shit out of bobbin even after he already knew he was dead?? even if that wasn’t the case and i’m just misremembering i feel like they should have drawn that out more to show snows descent into Psychotic Bitch Mode

26. that scene where billy taupe was pulling at lucy grays skirt and being like “ik u missed me” dragged out for WAY too long, esp since lucy gray kept repeating “get off me, billy taupe. get off me” like WAY too calmly given the context of the situation. again im not a movie person AT ALL, but i think her snapping and kicking billy taupe away could have been a nod to how she bit his hand in the book. then, after she kicked him, snow could have arrived and started being the shit out of him. idk her biting billy taupe was something snow mentioned when he was justifying how he was gonna kill her, so idk. i thought they were gonna do a ranting sequence / flashback scenes with snow remembering how lucy gray was “violent” / “dangerous” that would trigger him (no pun intended) to actually start shooting. like him beating up billy taupe for a longer time than he needed to was also an indicator that he’s in Psychotic Bitch Mode, but i feel like it could have been a 2-in-1. if that makes sense

27. why did billy taupe push mayfair in the TITS. go to hell

28. said it before and i’ll say it again: lucy gray is a fashion icon. i wanna crochet her bathing suit so bad

29. that scene where they were going to the woods and snow was slapping away the mosquito omg. he was PISSED

30. “it’s a mystery. just like me” oh my fucking god i love rachel zeglers portrayal of lucy gray

31. also call me classist but i fucking hate country music but rachel zeglers performances might have converted me. “cant take my paaaaaast” yee yee!

32. okay. so i think a big question was if snow was portrayed as properly slimy and ratworthy to ppl who did NOT read the books. in my opinion, i don’t think so. in the books, you can obviously tell he’s fucking awful. in the movies, he’s obviously shitty too, but i feel like there are moments where he’s portrayed way kinder than he actually is, like when he started crying over sejanus. they kept in a lot of stuff he said sympathizing w the tributes (like the part in the book where he was like “how could they punish marcus for trying to escape from certain death?” BUT they DID leave out parts that made him so intolerable, like when he genuinely convinced himself that lucy gray was more capitol than district / his gross thoughts abt the games and control and possessiveness in general. like remember when he said that having lucy gray locked up in the capitol was a better alternative than her being in d12 bc at least he’d know where she was at all times?? or when he was ready to give up on trying to reunite w her bc it was hot asf and SENJAUS had to be the one to convince him to keep going? wtf

33. ALSO something that bugged the hell out of me is sejanus’ death scene. bc in the book his last words were ma BUT in the movie it sounded so much like he said pa. idk if that was just me tho but it caught me so off guard bc this man has DADDY ISSUES and it would be so different if he said pa. Pa is money and wealth, Ma is comfort and compassion. wanting his dad = he rlly just wanted his dad to bail him out. wanting his ma = wanting comfort and stability. but it sounded a lot more like ma when the jabberjays repeated everything back so maybe i just misheard

34. snow glaring at the rainbow fucking sent me i know his ass was brainstorming (no pun intended) on how to control the fucking weather

35. okay sorry i need to talk more about how snow was portrayed. my sister went w me but i did not know that she didn’t know ANYTHING about the movie, she was just coming w me bc she felt bad that i’d have to wait another week to watch it and decided that she wasn’t even gonna read a summary abt it. like she did not know that coriolanus snow = president snow, but i was still hoping that she knew that he was a bad person. nope. as soon as we left, she told me how much she hated the ending, and i thought it was bc she was pissed no one found out about snow. nope again. in her words, “i thought they’d get married”

my live reaction to that information

to be fair, when i was her age, i thought heathers was a love story, so i had to cut her some slack. after a bit of INTERROGATION, this is what she told me:

1. at least she thought that HE’D move in with HER, and not the other way around

2. what would be his motivation for moving to the districts? cos obviously he hated the capitol

okay me when i write a lucy gray / sejanus fanfiction. but still. if that’s what she got from the portrayal of his character, i think it’s safe to say that they could have done a lot more work to ensure that he was perfectly ratworthy to the audience. like yes she’s young and yes she had no idea what the fuck was going on (in her words: “yeah i was like ‘i’ll just ask u to explain it to me after’”) but i feel like knowing that he’s an awful person who hates the district should be something u make GLARINGLY obvious, even if it would be cheesy. i know that shoving a hot person on screen and downplaying their characters HEINOUS crimes is rlly common when it comes to things like this, but i genuinely don’t think that was (quite) the case here. like he had the potential of being as horrible as he is in the book (not even hesitating to send the jabberyjay recording of sejanus to the capitol, telling sejanus he only said all that shit abt changing the world bc he just wanted to save his own ass) but it just.. felt very half-assed. in my opinion

36. look i know this post is already xtremely long but would u believe me if i said there were more things i wanted to talk abt but can’t remember bc i have goldfish memory?? bc i do. but that’s all i can remmeber for now. goodnight and goodbye

[unhingedkinfessions]

so like not really a kinfession but kinda wanna know if how im feeling abt this is valid (no pressure to respond if u guys dont want to btw!)

so my bf and i are planning on making a comic based around our "sonas" (idk what else to call them), but how these came to be was us literally drawing ourselves how we see ourselves essentially. like for me, im demonkin, so i just drew how i remember myself and then projected all my memories to this "character" and i think my bf did something really similar to that when making his, so basically we are these characters and they are us

after a while we added aspects to them that dont reflect memories (such as the two of them dating) but more so reflect us CURRENTLY, as well as some random things that just make sense and these "sonas" became very important to us and huge parts of ourselves (naturally, since we are them)

now wed love to do this and possibly post the series on tumblr and/or another site as a nice project between the two of us but thats when my bf realized: what if people kin them? and it kinda made us uncomfortable thinking about it since its based off our own otherkin experiences and that theyre literally us

so basically what id like to know is if itd be wrong to ask people to not make fan works (if it gets popular) and tag them as kin and stuff? weve seen people mark stuff with that and so thats why i planned on doing that, but do u think people would understand our discomfort? ik people cant help kins, but id feel a lot more comfortable if people didnt make it comfortable they're whole public identity based around one of us or used our work as face claims and stuff. am i being irrational or is this understandable?? (sorry if any of this sounds repetitive im kinda nervous lol)

the thing is, if this does get popular (and thats a big if- i dont mean that as an insult you truly cannot predict these things) yes there will be issues. youre not being Irrational, and i understand where ur coming from but im *in* the same community as you & kin also. if this gets popular, there are inevitably going to be people who dont understand and ignore that boundary, because you cant exactly stop people from doing that once smth gets big. theres a difference between like, asking someone to not kin tag an art post vs not kin from a Popular Piece Of Media, yk? it wouldnt be a wrong thing to ask for no. but if youre ok w the possibility that this could blow up ur gonna have to realize that you cant control an entire fanbase that closely and what ur afraid of is likely to happen. tldr i think this is understandable but im not just the average consumer that doesnt have the full story

[lotties-ashwagandha]

as someone with OCD if i see another one of those “im so OCD i clean my room once a week! here’s my best friend organizing my colored pencils being so quirky OCD!” or generalizing OCD as neat freak cleanliness im going to flip my shit and here’s why (under the cut)

yes OCD can manifest in obsessive compulsive cleaning behavior but OCD DOES NOT MEAN NEAT FREAK. OCD manifests in so many different ways, and everyone’s experience is different especially if you have co-occurring conditions like depression or anxiety or if you’re autistic or have ADHD. people think OCD is just cleaning and being neat and clean but they don’t understand the thought processes behind OCD so let me explain it to you. OCD is a condition where someone experiences unwanted obsessive thoughts, and in an effort to ease these thoughts engages in a compulsion. obsessive thoughts are often based in fear and trauma, and the compulsions try to ease the fear, but it’s often short term and doesn’t work for more than a few seconds.

here’s an example. green equals obsessive thought, red equals compulsion.

im scared that something will happen to my pet when im not near her/in the same room as her, so i’ll check on her twice every hour and will pet her five times each time i check on her

(this is actually close to one of my own compulsions btw)

as you can see this is an irrational response to a fear that is irrational if your pet is perfectly healthy and safe. many times OCD fears and compulsions are extremely irrational. it can even be something like “if i don’t tap my door handle three times after leaving this room my family will die in a fire”. it’s not fun, it’s scary, and we’re (usually) aware of how irrational our fears are but the fear is still very real and the compulsions are irresistible. symptoms of OCD also include checking. for me one of my obsessions and compulsions in relation to checking is i’ll get the thought of “what if i accidentally said something offensive/cussed/said something bad abt my teacher in my college paper” and even though i know I didn’t do any of that i’ll have to check my paper 3 times or more just to make sure I didn’t. another example of this is checking to make sure you turned the stove off like 5 times before you leave the house.

OCD can also lead to rumination and thought tunnels. this is prominent in all forms of OCD but is extremely prominent in relationship or friendship OCD. an example of rumination in OCD would be:

“what if my response to that text message sounded stupid?”

“if i sounded stupid what if they think im stupid”

“if they think im stupid they’ll leave me”

“if they leave me I won’t have anyone to talk to”

and so it goes on and on and on . and not just for a second or two, it can last for hours.

BUT i’d like to circle back and say that im not invalidating people with OCD in relation to cleaning. it DOES exist and it IS valid, and cleaning and organization in general can be a big big comfort and regulator for people with OCD. im talking to the people who think it’s quirky or fun or on purpose to have cleaning related OCD. compulsions aren’t cute, they aren’t quirky, they’re scary, and OCD is a disorder. it’s not fun. I grew up with a mother with very extreme OCD in relation to cleaning/sanitization and it has taken a huge toll on both of us. I watch her get upset and panicked and burned out because of her organization and sanitation OCD. and i watch myself get into the same cycles because of my OCD, even if our obsessions and compulsions are completely different. it’s not something enjoyable.

if you’d like to read more about OCD , or the related condition that is OCPD, here are some sources to do that. PLEASE educate yourselves on disorders before posting about them, especially tiktoks that are meant to be comedic. to that one girl on tiktok: it’s not funny that you moved all your OCD friend’s shit around her room and left her deodorant and toothpaste open in the bathroom! get a life!

anyway. some sources:

Cleveland Clinic’s Explanation of OCD

Friendship and Relationship OCD Explained by Mashable

Co-Occurrence OCD and Autism

[sw33t-t00th-4u]

hi everybody sorry i haven’t been active on this account! between the anime brain rot and other things happening in my personal life, i kinda forgot abt this account LMFAOOOO

that being said, i’ve been thinking about making a post about a certain blog for a minute and due to recent events, i feel more compelled than ever. i don’t think they have a big following or anything, but please take the time to read this before you consider buying a tarot reading from @/livingdeaddivination or supporting them financially in any way. i’ll try to keep it short and sweet lol. (⚠️ tw: loss, pet neglect)

i knew “anan” in real life, and they used to be my friend. i’m feeling especially hurt lately because anan wished death upon my best friend, who spent the last two years of her life battling a rare cancer that only 30 something people on this whole planet have. she wanted to be the first person to beat it. she was so close, but she unfortunately lost that battle last week, and anan got their wish. im heartbroken and angry and i feel so empty without her. anan’s exact words were “i hope the cancer kills her quick”. i’m heartbroken and angry and i feel so empty without her, and this is what anan wanted. if someone claiming to be as spiritual as she does speaking something like that into existence doesn’t deter you from supporting her financially, please keep reading.

very little, if any, of the money they could possibly make from these readings will go toward the wellbeing of her pets, as she’s very negligent towards them. i witnessed it first hand. she not only separated 5 out of 7 young kittens from their mother too early and selfishly kept two of them along with the mother, but she hardly put in any effort when it came to taking care of the four cats she had. she never cleaned her cat’s litter boxes and her cats also had worms and fleas and were in bad shape. my late best friend even offered to give her medicine to treat them for free, and she refused it. two of those four cats ran away, and instead of rehoming her remaining two cats, they live outside. not only that, but she had a hamster that she was “scared” to take care of. their hamster was in a small wire cage instead of a proper enclosure, and they would often take out the wheel because “it was annoying”. she kept her hamster in her closet and didn’t feed her, give her water, clean her cage, or even let her run around in a hamster ball. thst hamsyer lived like that for two months, though there's no telling how much of that time the hamster was actually alive for. she neglected that poor hamster to death after i provided her with all the things she could possibly need as i had two hamsters pass away from old age and i had taken care of her for a few months beforehand. had i know that that would be that hamster’s fate, i would’ve never given that hamster back to them.

there’s absolutely more that i could say, but like i said, i wanna keep it short. i didn’t want to make a post so soon because i didn’t want to say anything irrational out of grief, but nothing i could say could ever be as irrational as anything anan has ever said and done. i’m sure if they see this post, they’ll just deflect and make me look bad, block me, delete their account, and make a new one and pretend like nothing happened, but i needed to get this off my chest. if you read this far, thank you, and please keep this in mind before supporting @/livingdeaddivination financially in any way.

[hurrakka]

oh man. theoretically in a l4d au luis would've helped develop the green flu yeah? sure it's a naturally occurring virus in l4d canon (maybe. we're not really sure where it comes from cus ceda doesnt say shit but ellis mentions the government using bio-bombs in one of his keith stories so it could be a bioweapon?) but this is an au we can do what we want.

anygays im just imagining leon getting infected. we know better-safe-than-sorry-guy (i call him scout cus his va is the same as scout from tf2) is human when we first find him but experiencing extreme paranoia and some compulsions then a few minutes later he fully turns, going from able to speak and function to choking and growling and fully mutated (either into a hunter, boomer, or smoker) so there's always the possibility of a rapid transformation too. im thinking leon falling behind a bit while theyre walking because he's coughing and chokin and shit n he falls to his knees and luis is all like "bro whats wrong!!" and he gets to watch as leon Turns Before His Eyes. even better if he turns into a hunter cus if you look closely at their models they don't have eyes. we can't be exactly sure what Happens to their eyes when they turn but the two most popular headcanons are both equally brutal-- either Luis has to watch Leon's eyes quite literally melt out of his skull or he gets to watch him claw his own eyes out. Fun!

BUT there's graffiti in one of the safe rooms arguing over how long it actually takes to turn-- whether it's 20 minutes, 2 hours, overnight, or some other wacky chunk of time. so there's also the thought of Leon turning slowly. progressively becoming irritable and irrational and confused and him slipping in and out of conciousness for days until Luis goes to check his temp one day and he fucking Lunges.

and if leon turns and luis makes it out alive imagine the Guilt. he feels awful enough in re4 canon when there's a cure,,, but the green flu mutates too often to develop a proper cure for it. if leon gets infected and he isnt immune then he's just. done. theres nothing that can help him at that point. and luis already feels so goddamn guilty about the millions of people he's killed and now leon's gone too and he cant help but visualize every single person who had somebody ripped from them by his hands.

oh man and if luis has to put leon down? its joever. that man would Never recover. i dont even know if he'd keep trying to survive at that point. maybe just for that shred of hope of developing a cure (even though he knows it'd be damn-near impossible but it's the only thing hes got, dammit) and stopping this whole disaster.

coughs. sorry for the rambling i simply have been obsessed with l4d for going on 12 years now so <3

I had to lay down for a moment bc of the feels and potential outcomes in the event luis lives on while leon well...yeah (thinkin abt how buddy from re damnation would jus turn as well since leon is no longer there and that made me big sad dgkrnekhbfgnjklh) Since the re verse has like morbillion viruses, the green flu existing would be plausible so its just another stonks moment for umbrella lol. But yeah luis would absolutely be devastated. He probably doesnt have the guts to pull the trigger, least he can do is to restrain leon for a while and tries to find whatever humanity he has left in his nonexistent eyes. Tho in my witch!leon hc I think luis may have a chance to keep leon around??? Since witches seem to have the most humanity among the infected (and thats not saying much) he could probs observe him a lil bit without getting eaten right away. It would just be a warm bodies scenario ngl (i just watched that movie recently so this is huge copium dksfghbshgndfh) Honestly Im glad l4d fandom still alive after all these years. That game will always be goated and it was one of my high-school obsessions. I used to do crossover stuff back then and Im back to doing it now. Time rly do be a flat circle

[37q]

a conch's voice

kinda crazy... every time i want to do something, im like, would that have killed tyler? i wanted to vagueblog abt something just now but i thought, wow, any traumatized individual could read this as a threat on their life.

skrrrt, strolling down my eerily straight and smooth memory lane.

grand scale i always struggled with my personal impression -- what some would consider a classic audhd fight to be "understood" -- on my social world. perfect transing conditions of course, but no trans person mediates their relationship with "viewability" the same.

2011-2015/16 i was Big blogging as some persona that was abt as "real" as "i" could get. so much tsongkhapa and deleuze and baudraillard and butler yet i was still invested in mapping out who i was and how i wanted to enact that. flying by the seat of her pants as an adolescent / young adult with more self awareness than she could use! after a few too many pints of spilled blood in trying to reconcile the authenticity of those two selves with the oversized feedback loop i dug myself into, i realized the precision was the problem for me.

im very gullible. specifically, when im not working conscientiously i easily lose sight of who i am, my goals, the whole shebang. memory things, dissociation things... for a long time basic low self esteem things. i would much ratherve been someone else, and its easy to type myself into cognitive tension with my past! queen behavior was to distort how i express my feelings for maximum positive engagement and tie their psychological merit to their discursive application in the field.

2016/17 is when my endeavors failure hit me though, and the hobbsons choice was imminent -- (a) aim for total accuracy, put your whole ass out their for it to be minced and composted, blur the lines between your sense of self and your social milieu or (b) disappear, evade semiotic capture, obfuscate the publicity of human connection. razor thin or ocean wide.

2013/14-2016, the size of my voice broadening my audience to unacquainted bad faith or irrational actors, hitting its apex when i was peak suicide risk. i got too tired of broadcasting distant vibrations from a bleeding shell, singing of a depth unfathomable to our context, a stranger to my own ears. i was being so honest, but that truth looked evil in stage lighting.

so 2017-18 i consolidated my digital footprint and pulled back on the accuracy of embodying and expressing my sense of self, concurrent with psychiatric ego death during institutionalized dual recovery programs. i couldnt even think or write directly for a long time after that... weird to say it outright like that but my meds help me be honest with myself. no creation, no outlet, and no intention, but a lot of tripping and falling.

2018-2021/22 i carried myself with a sincere love and detached interpersonal expertise that lent itself to elevated aphorism. connected when i could and wanted to, extended and sought out support, found peers and explored new ways of life. tried my best not to embody anything. left opinions as batter in my brains mixing bowl.

i dont know... this piece became harder to write the closer i got to the baggage of my current habits. and its still so fresh. nobody deserved any of this. i cant compose anymore

the obscuration was the problem this time. too much empty space to project into, and too much exhausted passivity to cut away the embers of delusion. blood, bruises, scars, mourning and grief... rampant suffering over expectations and misunderstandings...

i want to post about nothing. i want to spread my whimsy, and be misunderstood. i want people to connect my meaninglessness to their feelings, and i want them to feel good about their mundane invocation. i want to be furious, i want to be awe-inspired, i want to be giddy! i want to be vague!!!!!! i want to express myself, i want to play and sing, i want to write poetry and stories and essays and rants on my page without sending someone into a spiral about who they think i might be!!!!!!!!!!!! please let us both live!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[aliensmoothie]

HELLO MY FRIEND I BRING YOU QUASTIONS. ANDWER FOR OCS OF YOUR CHOICE

😭 CRYING - what makes them cry? do they cry easily?

😨 FEARFUL - when scared, do they go into "flight" or "fight"?

🍓 STRAWBERRY - do they eat their fruit & veg? what is their favourite fruit or vegetable?

🌙 MOON - what is your oc's greatest wish? how far are they willing to go for it?

🌱 SEEDLING - what is their most vivid memory from childhood?

📣 MEGAPHONE - how loud are they? what do they speak like? got a voice claim?

🕷️ SPIDER - what is their biggest fear? do they have any irrational / mundane fears?🤥 LYING - are they good liars? do they have tells to show they're lying?

🔪 KNIFE - how do they react to injury / misfortune befalling their loved ones (significant other, family, friends)? do they put themselves at blame?

HI HI HELLO MY FRIEND ZAG . im going to change up which oc is for each of them .hehe

😭 . THIS ONE IS FOR NAOMI . i think it is quite hard for her to cry . or like as of the story start at least . i think Before she like . didnt cry alot still ? but it was not something she thought about . she has never been particularly expressive ( autism ) but didnt feel the need to stop herself from expressing either . NOW i think she does not cry until they are wayyyyyy too much on her .and when she does break it is like full blown sobs .

😨 .this one is for mia ok . i think . if not freezing actually . she does go into fight kind of ? though it is less like lashing out and more . blocking herself and standing firmly . but mostly freezing . she goes like completely deer in headlights .

🍓 this is also for mia . she loves pineapples . this is the only fruit she will eat .SHE IS SO PICKY ( AUTISM ) . she hates watermelon especially . veggies i think she violently neutral on actually . i do not think she likes eating them but does not have as strong feelings abt them as she does with certain fruits .

🌙 for naomi ..... she wants to . ahem . clears my throat so politely . exact righteous revenge and also to get back what she lost . which she knows she cannot do that second one . but she will go very very far for both of those things . like VERY FAR . it is a staple of her character .

🌱 this one is for static bcus the emoji reminded me of her ... THERE ARE ALOT OF BAD CHILDHOOD MEMORIES FOR HER . BUT I DONT WANT TO GET INTO THAT HERE OK . i think once she went on a little two person kayak with gd and they were Far Too Young to be on their own kayak . but they were out with their older cousins ( mia was on the beach with isabelle and some other family members ) on their boats and the twins BEGGED to go on a kayak ( it was mostly gd who was begging . static was just there With her ). so they set them down in the double kayak . and they did drift away a little and static also got seasick and freaked out but she remembers how gd promised when ( they were quite young and were both certain of this ) they got stranded on a deserted island with one palm tree that gd would climb up the tree and yell super loud for help . in hindsight static just really appreciates how her sisters unending enthusiasm in the situation kept her distracted from the seasickness but also a part of her does believe gd would do that for her . even still . also they were not drifting away very long at all they are both dramatic and static doesnt like boats .

📣 THis one is for gd cause i have wanted to come up with a voice claim for her . and this will probably change again . but i think girl V's voice from cyberpunk 2077 is a fun choice :)

🕷️ ISABELLE IS AFRAID OF ZOMBIES SO GENUINELY . she knows it is silly . and is not like against seeing things with zombies in them . in fact she is very very attached to zombie media . but it also scares her so much . this is apart of the appeal for her . but she is genuinely a bit afraid of a zombie apocalypse .

🤥 naomi is . funny enough . NOT A GREAT LIAR . its not that she cant come up with a good lie in the moment ( or has any big tells ) . but she has trouble like . keeping up the lie . later on she will come up with conflicting lies . or will not be able to find a way to prove a lie later on .

🔪 i dont think mia necessarily . places the blame upon herself for others' misfortune . but she certainly feels like she should be able to help somehow . and it never feels right to her when there is something she Cant do to help .

[mariska]

have i told u guys on here abt my increasingly irrational fear of radioactive glowing green antique glassware. cus like two years ago or something i learned about how there used to be a big market for "glow in the dark" decor made from irradiated glass back when they just put radioactive materials in everything before there were any kind of proper regulations and public info abt how insanely dangerous that whole practice was on The Bodies Of Living Organisms. anyways ever since i first accidentally ended up in that wikipedia rabbit hole all of the apps i use think that im like Super Into It so i constantly get videos and pics and marketplace listing ads for vintage or antique radioactive green glass stuff and every time it freaks me out so much and i always text one of my group chats when they pop up like "oh my god the radioactive glass is back again. these people are going to die in 5 years tops" and then like LAST WEEK. ish. this random vid pops up on my feed on tiktok of someone using one of those radioactivity monitor devices to see what the rads number read as when they held it up to the glass of their huge cabinet filled with glowing green antique glass and the number was BONKERS and it kept going up higher and higher and i was immediately like I KNEW IT!!!! I KNEW THAT IS NOT SAFE TO STORE IN HUGE CABINETS WHY ARE YOU ALL DOING THIS TO YOURSELVES. i didnt actually say that to them i just yelled about it to myself in my friend group chat because of my hyper specific vendetta against it but. i felt victorious about it. somehow. idk maybe its cus i had to swallow radiation pills to zap my thyroid so that i didnt die at age 16 but my brain is just Not a fan of the concept of collecting and/or hoarding terrifying amounts of actively dangerous radioactive materials in ur house right where u like. eat. and sleep. and stand with all ur organs that are susceptible to radioactive carcinogens

[mr-magoriums-im-sorry-emporium]

yeah reading that webebed comic is making me think about like. growing up On Line and knowing there was something wrong with me, KNOWING i had a personality disorder and just not knowing Which One, but knowing it was most likely one of the two that people dont give much sympathy to

but then also being surrounded by people who do the same things i did and DIDN'T have those disorders

is such... a wild fucking experience. i joke like "haha more people should think theyre a sociopath growing up, it humbles you and makes you painfully aware of how people see the shit youre doing" but like, even if the people i knew thought that of themselves, they wouldnt care! theyd brush it off or think theyre one of the good ones (tm) with no self reflection!! and thats because I did it!!

like. as a teenager, i genuinley thought "its not that i dont FEEL remorse, its just that i havent done anything that was bad enough to feel remorse over!" and concluded that i didn't have aspd

like. i was simultaneously self aware and not self aware, except since i was more self aware than most, it was easy for me to believe that nothing escaped my field of view

and even to this day, it's like... why?? i was in a whole fucking group of remorseless assholes who were overly violent about people we didnt like! we were ALL quick to turn on each other, and we were just a small group of a huger group! we couldnt ALL have aspd?? and WE DONT!!! WE DIDNT!!!

some of them were just being teenagers, some of them have other shit wrong with them that they either got help for or... didn't.

its just. aaaaa!! and yes depending on who it was directed on, my anger issues and impulsivity were both used to help the group and ostracize me! my friends LIKED when i could turn on people on a dime and drive them out of the group if they did something percieved as Bad. some of them genuinley WERE horrifically manipulative people and it was good that they got out of there SOMEhow. but they got out because the server admin was too pussy to do her job and Administrate The Server so it was My job. but if the admin herself or her friends hurt me (for instance, by saying that i was selfish for wanting to kill myself,) then suddenly i was scary and irrational and couldnt be trusted. fun!

and this suuuucks but wrt the webbe comic i see myself a lot in gage in that his Go To Excuse (im traumatized!!!) was MY go to excuse back in the day. plus i struggle w like. just because i dont MEAN to be manipulative, doesnt mean that i cant BE manipulative, plus its not the other partys fault for feeling manipulated

gage is lowkey also kinda unempathetic to milo cuz he finds milo annoying at times and uhhh thats a hashtag struggle of hashtag mine

and like. id never date an actual fucking murderer (but then again i can just SAY anything. in another life i could see myself justifying it if i was in a worse spot) but the reaction towards gage vs milo by the commentors of the comic is telling imo

in that gage (as far as we know) has been thru shitty situations and we dunno how he grew up yet (or maybe we do idk im not done) and he has maladaptive, manipulative, and hurtful coping mechanisms just like milo does but in the comments milo is seen as a wrong but still sympathetic guy while gage.. isnt

and thags kind of how it felt, yk. growing up the way i did. like i wasnt the best person but neither were the other guys but they got sympathy because they *appeared* good and pitiable and soft, they were treated like flawed yet human individuals going thru it, and i was lowkey dehumanized even before i ever really thought i had Dehumanized Implicitly Personality Disorder

ALSO the "sorry for saying s*ciopath i didnt mean to offend people w aspd" part in the comic Gets Me because there are people who do say that BUT thats the begining and end of anything they say abt aspd and its kiiind of hurting it ngl

cuz like. i agree honestly! i think people should maybe not say sociopath as freely as they do anymore. for one its not used diagnostically anymore and for two; in the layperson, the word paints a picture of a very stereotypical moviefied version of someone with aspd. so not only is it not used medically, its used in a way that dehumanizes people with actual aspd- in fact a lot of people dont even know that its CALLED aspd!

and of course, Not Saying Sociopath Anymore isnt gonna solve ableism (i learned the term aspd from an Ableist Video after all) but like. it would be nice? maybe?? to have the basic decency to not be referred to by a word thats used to either treat me like a dogshit criminal implicitly OR sell a warped version of the thing i struggle with to hollywood audiences and or true crime affecionados

but because of people who ONLY say that stuff and nothing else, the notion isnt really taken seriously by anyone and is brushed off as Stupid Internet Stuff + a smattering of "if you REALLY had REAL aspd you wouldnt CARE wether or not someone called you a sociopath!!!"

which of course is ironically another example of ableism not being solved by Changing Terms but uhh yeah since the fauxtivist puriteen blogs r where a lot of people first heard of the concept its IMMIDIATLEY written off as stupid internet stuff and i just think its very very funny that milo webcomicboy said that just like. as a microcosm of him? say/do shit that sounds progressive but does stuff that actually is either a) irrelevant or b) hurts people more than it helps them

also just bc i relate to gage doesnt mean i like him theyre all pieces of shit. i like him as a character not as a person. everyone here sucks assssssssssssssss but im just. observing plus a lil like. not exactly recognition of self thru the other but "oh god that COULDVE been me if i didnt get very very very lucky" self awareness did not fix me and it did not save me but it saved me just a leeeeeeeeettle bit and thats enough babeyyy

if this makes no sense im SORRY ive been soo traumatixed also im LITERALLY neurodivergent and a minor???? ugh!!!

(nah fr fr it is late as all fuckkkkk idk if this is coherent. if its not just shhhhh let it fade into obscurity thanks i appreciste it)

[simp4konig]

hiii dumb question here!

in “𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈 𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐧 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬, 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐞 𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐥𝐥 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐭 𝐦𝐞.„” what was ghost lying about?

Hello !! Not a dumb Q dw <3,, im glad u asked since i can write all the little things i included 😈

Ghost lied about several things (paraphrasing quotes btw!):

about being [not] bitten; always assuring Reader that he is okay despite his progressive deterioration in health — physical AND mental. He accumulated many lies with each mention of his wellbeing growing worse and his increasing struggle to pretend that his suffering isn't intensifying. For instance, he dismisses his hobbling as "twisting his ankle when fleeing from another horde" (a zombie from the previous horde had bitten his lower calf/upper ankle) — when that it false. He comforts reader and rationalises his deterioration in health, at the expense of deflecting Reader's concern and twisting it as something irrational.

about the TF141 being alive. I've left this deliberately ambiguous since I a) don't write for TF141 and b) it would have involved expanding the fic n universe which i was NOT up 4 doing 🤯

— anyways, Ghost disappears to use the radio under the pretense that he "communicates" with the TF141, when in all actuality, the radio being turned on and connected to the looped broadcast message allows his and Reader's location to be pinged and tracked by the "Safe Zone" (i know jackshit abt how tracking works but since its fiction i thought itd be a p cool idea ! :D).

As a smaller detail, Ghost insinuates that it's difficult to get a hold of TF141, as he responds to Reader asking "when the sun is highest in the sky" they could contact them too, Ghost is elusive, and says that it "depends on the day". According to Google, on a clear, cloudless day, the sun is highest at noon; therefore, the looped broadcast message is broadcast at 1200 hours (noon) for an hour, which allows the signal from Ghost's radio to be tracked. Again, Ghost is lying, and evasive of Reader's myriad of questions.

and that^^^^ brings me conveniently to how Ghost lied about where he and Reader were headed. Whereas Ghost assured Reader that TF141 was and that their journey was to reunite with Price, Soap, and Gaz, the true nature of it was to safely bring Reader to the Safe Zone. Ghost thinks that he cannot be saved, and vows to protect Reader until his dying breath and ensure that they reach a location which they can call home.

about his feelings for Reader; being aloof, standoffish, and distant all for the sake of preserving Reader's innocence.

about keeping things "strictly professional". The casualness between him and Reader, their many interactions, the eating of food together, their constant close proximity and near-deaths, and slow development of a genuine friendship with "Simon" as opposed to being acquainted with "Ghost" all led to Ghost growing feelings. In the end, Lieutenant Riley caves and requests Reader to refer to them as Ghost instead — not necessarily a drastic difference, but it demonstrates how their relationship dynamics shift from superior/subordinate to equals.

— However, instead of preserving Reader's innocence, Ghost lies to preserve the good times the two of them had — to have that tainted for Reader with painful memories of Simon being bitten and being utterly powerless to save him was more devastating for him when still alive than it would have been for Reader (from his perspective).

and, finally, about the Promise. At the campfire, Ghost is deliberately vague about the nature of the promise that he forces Reader to swear by, and that is to inevitably kill him when he turns. Because it was inevitable, and at that point, he knew that it was too late for him.

— Ghost "lied", from Reader's perspective, about where they were taking them, and the nature of their journey. In their grief-stricken, hysterical state, it's not until later that they realise all of the lies they were told, and how Ghost was closed about particular details on purpose — a purpose which they were ignorant to, and which Ghost intended to keep them ignorant of.

I know that in most Zombie Apocalypse universes, people tend to turn quickly; yet, I felt that dragging on the inevitable would not only be more painful and tragic in terms of Ghost's last moments, but because I headcanoned him as a fighter until the end — which was supported by him literally digging himself out of a grave in which he was buried alive in according to some issued comic. Until he had air in his lungs, until he could walk, talk, and suppress the virus' urge to ravage Reader like a feral Zombie would, he swore to protect and escort Reader for as long as he had to, and for as far as was necessary. In the end, things didn't work out.

Ty for the ask n i hope this answers it !! I included some of my side notes too since i couldn't stfu ☺️💖

[sanchoyo]

.

ohh the anxiety that kicked in when I realized most comic artists have a full team and do monthly or even weekly chapter releases (again, due to having a full team inking, toning, letting, etc their sketches) and it STILL takes them years to finish a series (even ones that are relatively short! if you're doing a chapter a month and ur series is only 100 chs long thats STILL going to take EIGHT YEARS???!)

I have to remind myself they're professionals with teams who are getting paid to do that for a living, and I am one hobbyist, also working so some weeks I feel good abt even getting the One Page a Week goal I set for myself as a new years resolution out because things irl burn me out so bad. like, in the worst parts of my depression there were times where I went without drawing for MONTHS at a time and i do NOT want to go back to that. ever.

the ultimate goal for tm2 is for it to be around ~50-60 chapters (I consider each chapter to be like an 'episode' and always wanted it to feel around the length of the og anime series, so) and I keep thinking 'ooh if I could do a chapter a month and thats the goal Id have it done within 4-5 years!! which is awesome in theory but also burnout + anxiety abt this kind of thing is the reason I stopped the first two times. I burnt myself out SO bad trying to do 5+ pages every update back then. and I'm holding myself to keep going (if only because uh...I've already paid for the website URL for 5+ years LOL (IT WAS ON SALE IF U GOT MORE YEARS IN MY DEFENSE) ) so i NEED to avoid burnout @_@ but Thee Anxiety has a grip on me lately like i am a stress ball. its Bad

(this directly ties into my irrational anxiety abt 'what if I die Tomorrow and all of my stuff remains Unfinished and no one ever gets to Know the Stories in my brain or what if they paid me for a commission and I die suddenly and they think i never replied/stole my money and is a deadbeat, omg I need to do things as fast as possible' which i REALLY should look into going back to therapy for because I feel like this time of year is when my anxiety skyrockets for Some Reason and its ALWAYS BAD. Fs in chat. at least this has actually made me learn to be incredibly fast at drawing/rendering?? JSDHKF ONE UPSIDE TO ANXIETY!!! local guy HATES to spend time on anything for fear of spontaneous combustion!!!)

yet I dont want to spend money on therapy when im still saving for a car bc I need to Prioritize. which is also taking forever and also making me anxious. AAAH!!! can cars be $1 and art be Faster yet still quality? would b very cool