#im gonna try that? maybe it works?
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my grandma's little ewok dog has fleas and I am now covered in flea bites and my leg hair is makimg it worse but ive never shaved my legs before so I dont even know how do do that i feel like I have fleas can humans get fleas? How do I not be itchy? I have no anti itch anything and it's 2am and I can't sleep because I'm so itchy but I have work and a dnd campaign tomorrow thay i havent finished my character sheet for and lost my dice for and im so itchy please help me before I bathe in acid. I would like to remove my skin please.
#i dont want to shave my whole body but i fuckin will#i just realized i forgot i have a bunch of leftover stuff from work today that i forgot#i have so much shit to do and i feel like a crackhead#can i hypnotize myself to not be itchy#can i suck the flea juice out of the bites#i want to invent a time machine to go back and completely obliterate the flea ansestory and vanquish them from existence#why are bug bites even itchy? its antihistamines right? can i take normal antihistamines and not be itchy#im gonna try that? maybe it works?
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Do yourself a favor and go read the entire fanfic work of @fanfoolishness
(In order: Under sun and shade, Blind Side, and Breathless (patching up is one of my fav too, I just had no cool sketch idea for it)
#star wars#star wars the bad batch#the bad batch fanart#tbb fanart#tbb fanfiction#dumping my “fanfic_doodles.clip” file here literally#sorry the style is messy#now I see them all Im like “ok it's all over the place zero/100 aesthetically pleasuring post”#hhhh its the thought that counts?#And tbh the point is just to convince you to read theses#because I'm like OBSSEEESSED with theses since you appeared in my notes#Every fic is gold#Me baiting my followers with pretty enough pictures to read fanfics#this being said I should really take the time to color properly my stuff#but I don't liiiiiiiiike it#there is tons of more talented artists if people want colored beautiful amazing art#me I can't really make my “”“spontaneous”“” “”“doodles”“” pretty without trying hard and at the end it's meh#They're so flat too#yesterday I was like “oh my scenes are becoming less flat I improved maybe”#Then I scrolled on my storyboard insta and was like#yeah sure no#I'm still faaaaaar away from the industry standards#I studied like at three arts school and I'm still bad at drawing TAT#why is my brain not working v_v#look brain I'm showing you nice pictures learn from them#brain: no Im gonna overfixate on this left hand here and only this#anyway
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the place me and my roommate were supposed to move into today was so disgusting and uninhabitable we just took our stuff and left and now we're gonna be staying at airbnbs and hotels until further notice/until we can find a new place hopefully quickly...........im in my homeless drifter era y'all!!!😍😍so if im not as active then thats why LMFAO
1 like = 1 prayer
#bro was literally trying to rent us a silent hill apartment#we already paid first and last too which was 2700k and he said hes not gonna refund us EVEN THO WE DIDNT EVEN MOVE IN!!#like first month i get BUT NOT EVEN THE SECOND MONTH?? all landlords go to hell#looking back at the og listing like.....yeah i can see why he never took pics of the outside......literally looks like a landfill😃#we're SO LUCKY that uhaul allowed us to keep our things stored with them bc if they insisted on our shit still being dropped off#we woulda been so screwed/forced to move in and then would have had to hire ANOTHER uhaul to move back OUT lol#AND I HATE MOVING the idea of unloading all of our stuff just to pack it again literally makes me wanna perish#but even tho i may be a homeless drifter rn that wont stop me from also working on my oneshot between searching for places😍#the oneshot has a smut scene at the beginning LMAO and smut takes me forever to write so id been putting it off#but now that im over that hump (pun intended) i think ill be faster now brrrrrrrrrrr 9k words so far#its probs gonna be like 40k LMFAO maybe longer... idek#but also ill be hella busy trying to find a home so LMFAO who knows...chat im so fucking TIREDDDDD🧎♀️🧎♀️#my moms trying to see if she can fight him and get our money back but it aint lookin good bros#if i randomly open commissions then youll also know why LMAO
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"I'm sorry."
It's the first thing Steve says after everything.
After getting Vecna Cursed. After nearly dying. After a hallucination of Eddie saved him. After running through a looped forest. After finding sanctuary in Steve's memory of that Starcourt bathroom. After Eddie reveals himself as Eddie.
It's the only thing he can think of. It's not big enough to fit everything, but it's the only thing that fits in his mouth.
"Don't be."
Maybe that's the only thing Eddie can think of too. The only thing Eddie can bear to say.
Because don't be can't stop Steve's eyes from watering when he sees the vest in his closet. Don't be can't stop Steve's feet from dragging him to the cemetery every evening to clean Eddie's graffiti-covered tombstone. Don't be can't stop Steve from sitting beside Wayne and listening to him talk about the Eddie he remembers. Don't be can't stop Eddie's body from showing up in Steve's dreams, nor Eddie's corpse from his nightmares. Don't be couldn't keep the pain away enough, didn't stop Vecna from latching onto it while Steve was walking alone in the woods.
Don't be isn't enough for what Steve wants to hear. But even stuck here waiting, hoping, for someone to get Steve out, there just isn't enough time.
"I miss you."
"...Why?"
Eddie says it back so quickly, so quietly, like it's just unfathomable to him. Maybe it is, considering their last memories. But their eyes meet and he looks just as sad, just as longing, as Steve.
"You were my friend."
Steve can't help but say it like that. Like they were friends for years instead of days. Like Eddie was that important to him in their final moments. Like his heart really aches for Eddie every second of the apocalypse.
Can't help but say it like he means it.
"I wish we could've had more time..."
Steve's voice cracks a little there as he turns away, hiding. It's all he wants. It's all Vecna used to entice him with. It's all that's keeping him going, to finally fulfill the last request Eddie made. It's all he has left to feel close to Eddie.
The Eddie that's sitting right next to him, silent, his sight weighing on Steve's skin. Conscious and aware and the real Eddie. Trapped in Vecna's head as a backup power source, yet who still risked everything to come save Steve. Who Steve will never see again because killing Vecna means killing Eddie for good, and his heart doesn't want it, is begging for another solution...
But for once, his broken head overpowers his shattered heart.
"Maybe we did."
Eddie takes Steve's hand. Meets Steve's surprised look with his own small smile of hope. They're both suddenly tearing up, eyes glistening with life in this gray stall.
"Maybe in another world, we got a second first chance. A first second chance. Maybe even a third, or fourth. Maybe in a different life, we had everything we wanted. Because you, Steve Harrington, are too good for me to be doomed to meet just once."
And for a moment, Steve sees it. Feels it. Versions of them connected through the universe.
Little kids playing in the lake. One with bruised skin and shaved hair, loud but unfathomably lonely. One with a bruised heart and soft eyes, timid but stubbornly hopeful.
A rockstar with glittering chains, center stage in the spotlight. A set of eyes in the crowd or behind the curtain, watching only him.
A werewolf and a vampire, two cryptids of horror, meeting in the dead of a full moon night to feel safe with the only other one who understands.
A future where they won, where the only death was the one that mattered. A process of healing and learning, coming home to a family every single day.
A world without pain, without their hell, where two high schoolers found freedom from their shackles and company in each other. Hiding away together in the dark corners of the town.
Steve even sees other versions of them. Versions that he knows were originally never supposed to meet, yet forces so much greater than them pulled them together.
A metalhead drug dealer, constantly getting into trouble with one nail-bat-weilding cop.
A criminal's fugitive nature leading him to a rugged trailer park, and the dangerous owner within one such home.
An eccentric king in an old coliseum, always choosing one particular warrior as his champion.
A young programmer being pulled away from his work by sobs above his apartment, running upstairs to check on the law student that recently moved in.
Two actors, finding an easy friendship in the months of filming one season of a show that would change their lives.
In that moment, Steve's overwhelmed by the closeness he suddenly feels with the soul beside him. Falling into tears, he pulls Eddie into a tight hug, holding him so so close to convey everything he can't say. Feeling Eddie hold him back, hearing everything Eddie can't say in return.
Familiar music comes on outside the stall. Robin's voice calls out to him, telling him to come home.
And when he does leave, Steve hopes that someone out there will understand that he never can. Because here in Eddie's arms is the only place that will ever truly feel like home.
"Thank you... for everything, Eddie."
Thank you, Steve. For everything and more..."
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- List of AUs, in order, after, "Versions of them connected through the universe": Childhood Friends / Rockstar!Eddie / Werewolf!Steve & Vampire!Eddie / Eddie Survives / No Upside Down & High School
- List of Multiverse Steddie AUs, in order, after, "...yet forces so much greater than them pulled them together": Eddie x Gator / Baron x Michael / Geta x Sean / Keys x Eric / Quinn and Keery
#dude i dunno what possessed me#i was thinking about multiverse steddie again and came up with that “maybe in another world” paragraph#then suddenly Empty Bed by Cavetown was playing on loop and this was in front of me#so have fun with this weird mesh of steddie angst#could be platonic or romantic but either way it's requited and doomed#also shoutout the lovely 2jihiir0 here on tumblr for introducing me to the steddie multiverse i thank you immensely my friend#also also yes im still working on writing veronica harrington i promise i just keep hitting roadblocks and getting distracted i'll get ther#stranger things#eddie munson#steve harrington#stranger things au#steddie#steve x eddie#gonna try and get all the other characters and their place of origin bear with me here#fargo#gator tillman#marmalade#baron marmalade#hoard movie#michael hoard#gladiator 2#emporer geta#finalmente l'alba#sean lockwood#free guy#keys mckey#a quiet place day one#eric a quiet place day one
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part 1 of a little comic / art sequence that i've been working on! :D it's part tribute, part experimenting with brushes n colors and trying new thingz :]
| 1 | 2 | 3 | ... |
and thus continues my endless quest of spreading the carrot fics like a plague! if you've seen my art floating around you probs already figured that this au holds a very special place in my heart, forever and always!!
if you haven't heard of it, it's a fic series by @crowned-ladybug called carrot soup!! it made me wish i could speak colors and i need more people to share my struggle xd
go check it out if you're into sweet voice lore and qpr level gayness and just wanna feel warm and soft and warm (hurt/comfort my beloved) <333 there are some heavier themes cos everyone's traumatized but they're working through it! be sure to check the tags and stay safe! <3
#hlvrai#half life vr but the ai is self aware#frenrey#carrots au#<- gotta remember to tag the other ones as well#yippie im so excited to finally start sharing these with people!!!#there will be at least 5 parts in total maybe more idk#i just wanted to illustrate this little snippet of the first fic#maybe i'll draw more of these if i get another vision#i am still trying to work on the animatic so that would probs include most of my visions anyway#i think im gonna post a wip sometime soon just in case i lose interest#also i crave validation and reading people's tags and comments makes me so so so happy!!!><#btw it kinda feels nice posting something like. after a while#cos it's been quite a bit since i finished this first.. part? page? thingy#and it's nice to finally stay out of the whole instant gratification thing#please do still go crazy in the tags tho? if u want?#mkay enough rambling for today i've got things to do#like be cozy n read fanfics n drink water n stuff yk?#all the important thingz#and who knows maybe i'll even make some progress on.. whatever it is that piques my interest today#bye for now!!! take care and have a very orange day <3#art tag or whatever
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I! Am so tired of the infantilization of Papyrus. I'm so tired of the infantilization of autistic people, and autistic traits. I thought we were past this in this fandom... but NOPE.
I am absolutely NOT going to name any names, (especially because I don't think ANY of this is intentional!!! I don't think people are doing it on purpose!!! And I don't want to hurt people. And also because it's SO many people now. I see it all the time from so many different places. It would be impossible to list them all.)
But??? I am getting increasingly uncomfortable with the casual ableism in Papyrus fans, bloggers, and writers who don't even realize that's what they're doing. People who say they are against the infantilization of Papyrus.
(Sticking the rest of this under a cut so I don't clog any feeds)
I just!!!! It's all well and good to have your headcanons about Papyrus! He's a really mysterious character that we don't know a lot about! I'm not denying that! But I see SO many people just… saying things like:
"Papyrus would NEVER do (insert autistic trait here) because he's an ADULT! CLEARLY it was a joke."
or
"People take him seriously or at face value when he does (insert autistic trait here) but he's not stupid???? Clearly it means something else-"
And so freaking many variations of that.
Just. Have your headcanons about what Papyrus means or doesn't mean. That's okay! If you think he's joking that's FINE! But PLEASE don't shit on other people and be so casually ableist by saying that he could never be these things, or that these things would mean he was stupid, or childlike if he ACTUALLY meant them or did them.
ITS LIKE. Taking the initial infantilization of Papyrus in fandom and spinning it on it's head so far it goes right back into infantilizing autistic people by just. REMOVING PAPYRUS'S AUTISITC TRAITS AFTER LABELING THEM STUPID OR CHILDLIKE.
"You're infantilizing Papyrus! CLEARLY he could never actually MEAN these things or do those things for real because he's an adult-" AND LIKE. BABE. THOSE THINGS ARE JUST AUTISTIC THINGS.
And just.
It's really really upsetting to see the traits that I personally relate to in Papyrus have people saying "he could NEVER actually mean/do that! CLEARLY it was a joke, or subterfuge or insert something else here-"(the very strongly implied "because only Children do that" is so clear it's nauseating) (And often stated, but just in slightly different language. "It's clear." or "Of course Papyrus wouldn't-" or "He's smart!" or "He's an adult!")
Most of the portrayals I see of Papyrus are wonderful. While I've seen this a lot in fandom, I don't think it's the majority of people who create or write, or blog Papyrus content. But it's a big enough chunk that it is incredibly worrying and upsetting.
I'm also not trying to wave away any level of subterfuge, or mystery that Papyrus has. Because he has a lot! And!!! He's a grown ass adult! (A HILARIOUS one who cracks a shit ton of jokes and is witty as hell.) Someone who is very sneaky about many things, and masks a lot, and is clearly hiding SOMETHING. Have fun theorizing about him, because there sure is a lot to theorize about! Sneaky, sneaky skeleton...
Just. While I'm not trying to change anyone's headcanons... It might be worth it to see if the Papyrus you create has been removed from all of his autistic traits that are deemed undesirable (a level of social ineptitude or not understanding others, routines like bedtime stories, and so much more) while only leaving the ones you think are quirky or fun (things like masking, or stimming with big, flailing gestures, special interest in puzzles, etc.).
And if that's true, why might that be?
If the answer is "because Papyrus is too smart/mature/clever/etc. to mean or do this seriously." then that is no longer an innocent headcanon. That is saying that people who DO have those traits aren't smart/mature/clever/etc. That is infantilizing autistic traits. (And yes! Autistic people can also do this by accident! I used to fall victim to internalized ableism that I didn't even realize was there, and I've seen other people do it, too.)
I was going to get into a more in-depth list of Papyrus’s traits that are autistic traits or could be caused by being autistic, and basically write an entire fan essay on the whole situation, starting from the beginning infantilization of Papyrus in fandom (equally as bad) and ending with where we're at now as Papyrus fans. (This right now is not an essay. It's a vent, and a plea. When I say essay, I mean with cited sources, properly structured... An actual ESSAY that would help people.)
But… I’m tired. I know it’s an accident in most cases. I know that most people probably don’t realize they’re calling autistic traits “stupid” or “childlike” or “papyrus would never because he’s not a child—“
And I know that this one simple post isn’t enough to explain how autistic peoples’ brains frequently work, or why these things don’t mean someone is stupid or childlike.
I know that without a thorough explanation there’s so many people that won’t realize that they’re doing this. And it’s certainly not as gentle as I wanted to be. I want to be kind, because I know that it's an accident, and that people aren't trying to be cruel or harmful.
But I’m just… tired. I’m so, so tired. It’s hard to gently explain to people that are actively harming you and your community why what they’re doing is hurtful.
Maybe someday I’ll actually write that essay, and I can include helpful tips on what autism can look like, or how Papyrus's differing things COULD be (not necessarily ARE) an indication or presentation of autism, and also some more tips on how to integrate some of Papyrus’s characteristics in different ways in a fic that keeps his wonderful autistic swag if that's what you want to do. Maybe I can delve into some more of the nuance of this discussion, of which there is much.
But right now I can’t.
If you're worried you might be doing something like this but you really do need an essay or more structure and specific writing breaking it all out, then. Well! I want to help people. If you have questions about what I said and genuinely want to learn, I can do my best to answer and help in an essay if there's enough questions, or in asks if its just a one off question.
(Though absolutely no promises. The entire discussion is draining and triggering, so... It's hard. Please don't be surprised if I'm unable to keep conversation about this going.)
I don't want to write the essay if it's not going to help anyone though. So… let me know. Maybe in reblogs. Just please not in my DMs. I'll turn on anonymous asks for the next month or so, and if people use them to be cruel, or confrontational, I will be taking that away again.
If you've made it this far... Thanks for reading.
...And, you know what? Shitty TLDR:
Papyrus is a grown ass man who can say fuck and be a bad ass bitch, and who can also be an autistic adult. These things are not mutually exclusive to each other.
Edit: Someone sent me a wonderful essay written by the-irken-pony about Papyrus and autism that was written in the earlier days of the fandom and Papyrus infantilization. (I have no idea how I haven’t seen this before.)
It’s not the current issue of “wow you became the thing you most sought to destroy (infantilization)” in Papyrus’s fan base, but it’s a wonderful breakdown of autism in Papyrus. It’s a good thing to read with this. You don’t have to accept the various headcanons as yours, but please take note of the various things that could be caused by autism. And then make sure that you aren’t calling those things childish.
#floof talks#undertale#undertale papyrus#papyrus undertale#papyrus#autism#tws:#ableism#vent post#discourse#infantilization#swearing#let me know if i missed any tw's please#i'm sorry i don't normally ever post things like this#i don't even do theory or headcanon posts#but this is very relevant to my blog so...#i'm so tired#sorry#i'm not trying to get on anyone's bad side#i'm just tired and overwhelmed#and i wonder how many people other than me have been hurt by it#and if making a post can help with that...#well. yeah. im gonna do it#i don't see people talking about this and im probably just not looking at the right places#but i have a platform and no one is talking that i can see#maybe this wont work to change anyone's mind#but maybe it will#and i have to try even if im honestly terrified
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hi i'm alive i'm just struggling my way to happiness & productivity
#but i swear i AM going to achieve it 💪💪💪💪💪 even if my main strssor rn is being so behind on work again 💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪#comms comms comms#wheee#tomorrow is my bday but today is CRUNCH day im gonna spend 6 hours minimum @ work and then maybe more#this year im gonna get medicated for my adhd but so help me god in the meantime i am going to try with my whole heart to use schedules#and planners and reminders and focus apps and music to put myself in a no distractions cube#AH#RAUH#who needs addy when i can just smoke a bit of weed and ignore bodily functions for a few hours while i work#wweheeeeeeEW#my art#furry#oc: cow#fursona#cowmic#sortta#idunno. an update comic#bc i feel like ive been leaving everyone in the dark and it feels Bad#also sorry one last thing.#FUCK paypal. fuck paypal forever and ever.
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perry with some words of wisdom in superman: lex 2000 ("just because this country is about to go to hell in a handbasket doesn't mean this newspaper does, too!") (and we are all the newspaper, really.)
#rereading superman: lex 2000 to cope tbh lmao#but like. deep breaths. the justin mcelroy tweet. im gonna keep doing what good i can and nobody can change that.#i will take today to wallow and be deeply dismayed and disheartened and take comfort in my friends.#and we will all keep trying to work towards a better future no matter what. bc i have to believe it's possible#but. enough of that soapbox im just going to read superman comics and sleep and then maybe play video game or write and call my besties#i can be a real person again later. for now. save me lois lane#rimi talks#clark#lois#jimmy#perry
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watched dead boy detectives and spent so much of it picturing young mihawk in charles's outfit so i made it happen and threw in an edwin!shanks bc ofc i did :')
if u like teen supernatural shows and ghosts and stuff, or worlds created by neil gaiman, i encourage u to check out the show! it's in the same 'verse as the sandman.
#dbda mishanks au#mishanks#akataka#dracule mihawk#shanks#akagami no shanks#red haired shanks#one piece#one piece fanart#op fanart#there's probably gonna be more where this came from but im posting this first cuz i need the win lol#i know personality-wise and even bg-wise it works better if hawk is edwin but like. the aesthetic tho.#i realized i was half-thinking abt drawing shanks's straw hat and then forgot it but yknow what it's plot now.#maybe he doesnt have it cuz it's his unfinished business looking for where it ended up or what happened after his time in hell#he died at school tryna get it back so he didnt get to bring it with him#in trying to find it he ends up solving other ghosts' mysteries too.
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thought of a fun filmmaking/animation challenge!
start by making a one second film. not one minute, I mean one singular second of footage. then add another second for each new film untill you've reached two minutes.
by the end you'd have 120 short films where quite literally no time can go to waste.
this could be good motivation for animation where every second can take hours of work to produce but also lowers the barrier to entry for other filmmaking so far it'd be ridiculous to not try.
Like anyone can film for one second what could you do that little bit of time?
#just needs a clever tag...#'1to120 films' maybe?#idk something like that could work#if no one else im probably gonna try this myself lol
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To be completely and utterly painful, my assumption was that Erik had either already died before Logan and Charles went on the run, or Erik was one of the people Charles killed during that seizure.
its actually wild how youve both decided to kill me today it's not even 8AM
#snap chats#GOOD???? MORNING??#you. you know who ELSE decided to kill people before 8AM-- //shot//#he aint even decide that i know im just emo ...#if it were a good morning i wouldnt be in AGONY <- this makes it an excellent morning#you know what else makes it excellent ../ i think its fuckin snowin ....#i mean if it is its definitely not gonna stick but my god ....... i get to see A snowflake this year ..#BUT NO BYYYEEE with the idea of charles accidentally killing erik im forced to imagine like#eriks visiting one day when It Starting and he has maybe a sec or two to fret over charles and try to help before. 🧍♂️#if i imagine erik trying not to panic and trying to help charles before his efforts are proven null ill die#so you guys have to do it for me ok !!!!!!!!!#oh my god no erik Also being an anchor for charles' is evil work too#because having a sort of Way Back point is Of Course Helpful so erik being that and being gone ... chat i should die#ESPECIALLY IF ITS CAUSE CHARLES KILLS HIM BY ACCIDENT AND DOESNT EVEN REALIZE Chat I Should Die
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we need to team up and beat him to death with hammers
#tag yap incoming#bananaart#bananamcsm#romeo mcsm#minecraft story mode romeo#mcsm romeo#minecraft story mode#this is just a quick doodle as i figure out his design in my hc lol#i deicded to give him a sweater because. tshirts are so fucking unnecessarily hard to draw for me???#like i CANNOT figur it out but wahterver i just wanted to post something goodbai guys#romeo the admin#what other tags shouldi clog#scratches head#evil british guy#i was so proud of this art that i even added my watermakr that can easily be covered up by a solid colour 💗😍#aanyways. THE MEOOO :3#i also tried to draw genderbend romo but it was NOT working out for me bruh#its tight... maybe some other day#keep rollin rollin rollin oh also once i figure out what to draw to accompany it ill post about a romeo hc i have thats been#floating around in my head for a while now its nothng groundbreaking but i thought it was funny#im not gonna say what it is because i love edging people have fun guys#my god theres a fly thats been in my room for like three hours now and ive been trying to catch it with my bare hands every time it flies#next to me i feel like walter fucking white in that one episode#lmao i like the bright airbrush that i put behind him. it makes him look like the archangel micheal or some shit okay i need to post this g#mcsm
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phinktober day 8: tatinof
wtf a whole week done already???? i haven’t drawn this consistently since i was in high school 😭
bonus bc idk when to stop
#again don’t love this one as much as the others but i’m settling into some semblance of a style finally and learning to work w that so#i’m pleased#and i’m actually quite impressed at my development already i was a sketch portrait artist for years i forgot how much i love sketch-style#think i’m getting a bit better w anatomy without being completely dependant on grids#hmm#anyway i have a headache from trying to get this done before midnight im gonna go have a cup of tea#and maybe water idk when last i drank water#art2 and craft2#dnp#dan and phil#phanart#daniel howell#amazingphil#dan howell#phil lester#tatinof#the amazing tour is not on fire#wait he was still dinof then#danisnotonfire#i feel like i’m missing a tag but idc i need a cone#FOR FUCKS SAKE I MEANT TO POST THIS 4 HOURS AGO AND LEFT THE APP AND NEVER PRESSED POST#AAAAAAAAAA whatever it’s still tuesday somewhere
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STRANGE NOISES FROM THE HOLE IN THE WALL HEADCANONS/INTERPRETATIONS UHHH OBVIOUS SPOILERS. CLARISSA CENTRIC CAUSE. HOLY SHIT
clarissa is to locomotion as clara is to the nutcracker. she's the kid who dreamed him into existence hundreds of years ago. i know he says he's older than the devil - i think that's still plausible, he's existed since thought but wasn't attached to the Silver Line or brought into physical existence until clarissa, lonely or in danger or just bored, imagined a world where she could escape from her everyday life and live as a grown-up(? maybe? since benjamin/timothy/billy seemed to age up as soon as he went through the portal?), with freedom and whimsy and eventually a relationship with the friendly driver.
why do i say this? because otherwise im really fucking confused lmao, that first scene where clarissa and loco are introduced is strange in the context of the end of the play. they seem to have known each other for a good while before they get on the train. they act like a young couple who's stumbled upon the silver line as an escape from danger and now they're excited for their new life in a new, safe world. except that loco also says he's been driving the train for years.
(looking back, that very much feels like a scenario from a child's imagination - or perhaps a dream - where of course he's been doing this for years, that's his job, but of course they're glad they've found the train together, this is a new experience for her so it's just an extension of her perspective)
but clara is, she says, a child when she gets on the train. idk how old "little girl" is, but if we run with this headcanon and also assume that the timeline is both linear and literal, she's imagining herself in some form of a sexual relationship with loco at a pretty young age.
i posit that this can be reconciled in several ways (some more disturbing or inappropriate than others), but one thing that could be considered is that the first scene where loco and clarissa are introduced is symbolic of their relationship over the course of the train's history. depending on how old clarissa was when she first dreamt the world into existence, she might not have even been very aware of loco, and spent her time just enjoying the escapism or whatever. after a few years or however long, she starts to get older and decides to learn how she's actually done this, maybe spends a long time trying to understand exactly what's going on. maybe her research leads her to a relationship with loco, i don't know. they do get on the train together, maybe, when they're both young (or, well, relatively speaking) and new to the world, and loco eventually has been driving the train for years and years and clarissa makes it a bit more tolerable with some companionship after a long lonely time. but those things don't happen simultaneously, because i think those things don't really work simultaneously. that scene is a sort of speedrun/amalgamation of how the two of them have interacted over the years. and yeah i guess that means they fucked at one point in there
(im going to be transparent, some of that is a bit of cope/rationalization. i think loco and the conductor are very exes/begrudging coworkers vibes, but i do like clarissa and loco together as well - unsettlingly powerful girl x eldritch being with a soft spot is a very good trope. and im trying to make it work out okay? give me a break lol. you don't have to agree with me on this, but once i see a luke and tom couple with a fun and compelling dynamic i will not let them go even if the ethics get a bit hard to explain later on. sorry, anyways moving on)
additionally, and i probably should have said this earlier, a reason i think this whole nutcracker theory holds up is because clarissa holds a sort of unique power in the world. she's been on the silver line for hundreds of real-years, who knows how many train-years, and still remembers her name and something of her old life. loco isn't hostile to her, even confirming her memory of her name and reminding her of her birthdate. with everyone else (ex. benjamin), he actively discourages them from remembering their lives. despite seemingly being one of the oldest passengers, she doesn't transform for hundreds of years. she obviously has some significance.
you know how that ties in? if this is clarissa's world, if her mind is what created the whole thing, then i think it makes sense to assume it's tied to her. as she begins to question her surroundings, then panic as she realizes she can't leave, her emotional and/or mental state becomes less stable, less utopic, less perfect. the dream begins to turn into a nightmare. and it becomes. well. an ouroboros. the snake eats its own tail and the train goes in circles and the escapist fantasy clarissa once loved becomes a prison of her own design. trapped in the very thing that was supposed to save her.
maybe that's why anthony and benjamin can get out when they do - as clarissa's world decays, as she finally begins to become part of the nightmare, as she melds with the train, the world has to shift a bit. it's reaching the point of no return - once clarissa has been fully sucked in, the train will never stop again. falling into an infinite nothing. but in that moment, there's one final chance for the conductor to stall locomotion, one final leap that could at last pull benjamin and anthony and everyone who's been sucked in by clarissa's black hole of a nightmare out of the portal and back into the real world.
and now, clarissa has lost three hundred years of a life that should never have lasted so long. gained perhaps thousands of years of memories of joy and connection and despair and panic and forever forever forever. and she is once again trapped in a vessel of her own making - her body is that of the child she has not been for lifetimes. her world is dead and gone - not just the world she created, but the world she escaped from as well. what of locomotion, that brief flash of connection? does he even exist anymore? who is she, now? who was she? where can she possibly go from here?
shoutout delirium_undead on discord for going along with the nutcracker theory and helping me flesh this out. your ideas are so galaxy brained and i am forever in your debt
#OKAYYY she gives me so many feelings#this longform was recordbreaking in both length and the amount of plot and lore they stuffed in there oh my word#fucking. augh !!!! CLARISSA !!!#cannot even express how hard i have thought about this. it's been twelve hours since i saw it lmao. oughhhhh im gonna be sick#toasty talks#blorboposting#sfth clarissa#strange noises from the hole in the wall#shoot from the hip#sfth#sfthposting#analysis#i'm sure i've forgotten things...oh well more posts for later i guess#i wrote PARAGRAPHS in discord. more than i wrote here even. i was just trying to figure out what the hell is going on#and finally worked something out!! i think this makes sense tbh and i really like what it says about everybody#oh the conductor i should talk about him too. maybe later
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guy who wants to be emperor SO FUCKING BAD but isn't and has to actively conspire to get there. guy who is in cahoots with him and refers to him as emperor/your highness/my lord/other unearned royal titles in private- perhaps as a show of loyalty, or ingratiation, or certainty in their mutual success, or just 5d chess manipulation. and also it is a sex thing i mean you get me you see my vision
#i dont know why this gets me so much. maybe its the “YOU are the real emperor in my eyes not That Guy” of it#or the secretive conspiratorial mini-empire unfolding in the background of an actual state#or the charade of servility for absolutely no ones benefit because no one is there to see it#except you. and the guy who wants to be emperor So Fucking Bad#you will be entirely unsurprised to know i worked this dynamic into a martin trying to become high overseer fic#j#also hi i know im away a lot because life suuuuucks massively rn#and i realised that like. every single time i get on i basically feel the need to make another apology post for being away so long#and theres no point in that? so i decided im just gonna. post whatever whenever LMAO#and if you wanna come chat with me every now and then you are welcome to do that. and if you dont then thats fine too.
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joel etho single dads au .........
#esp if we go w liml family#etho with scar and bdubs at the park#joel with hermes#their kids meet and become best friends and keep begging for five more minutes until theyre the last ones at the park#so joel and etho inevitably meet and start talking because theyre both hella bored waiting for their kids#and joel lowk kinda cannot stand etho#hes like “igh this guy is sooo pretentious i could sense it from a mile away. who does he think he is with that stupid white hair”#“newsflash it doesnt make you look cool it makes you look old as hell”#(but he doesnt say any of this)#(obviously)#and it works best if etho is totally oblivious#dude is just waiting 2 drop off scar n bdubs back home2 cleo so he can try2 get the Good Nights SleepTM hes been chasing since he was a bab#then they find out their kids go to the same school#and so obviously joel has decided to make it his mission in life to one up everything etho does#at this point etho is fully aware and finds it hilarious#because he is an Expert in these things okay. hes been making brownies for scar's bake sales since before hermes was Born#and joel can try as hard as he can but he just Cannot reach that level.#he can make as many cupcakes as he wants but none of them r gonna beat the gooey deliciousness of ethos chocolate chip triple layer brownie#and that is just soooo infuriating to him. his blood is boilimg at Every Single Parent Led Bake Sale Ever#and its even worse because etho looks like hes about to spontaneously combust at any possible second#his hair is a mess. deepppp eyebags. hes been running on maybe an hour of sleep every night for the past what eight years???#but hes sooo consistently perfect at everything.#joel hates him.#but like they also have to put up with each other at playdates and parties and whatnot because i repeat their kids are Best Friends#aughhh idk theres some potential there. i promise im just not getting it across very well#nya talks#trafficblr#hermitblr#joel smallishbeans
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