#im gonna get a bad grade in therapy >:(((((

[stealingyourbones]

recently watched a handful of episodes of Supernatural and im kinda impressed with Dean's steadfast belief that all monsters are monsters and can't be redeemed.

With that in mind... there could be some VERY angsty Danny Phantom crossovers with that as the main premise

[bitchfitch]

A few weeks ago now my shrink said my case was unique and difficult because of how many different overlapping issues I've got going on. Basically she thinks trying to find the source of a neurosis is a challenge because there's at least three different things that can be causing any one of them, and often there isn't One cause, it's multiple mental illnesses amplifying and feeding into each other like an ouroborus of smaller snakes each eating the others in an eternal circular chain.

so I wonder what chain of brain snakes she will attribute "I'm having a crisis about drawing my ocs doing a dance native to my own culture because I'm specifically using those drawings in a marketing context and rarely interact with that culture due to being terrified of looking like a poser who doesn't belong there which leads to me further distancing myself from it and becoming more disconnected in such a way that my participation becomes increasingly infrequent hand waves to it in the form of hollow gestures, like drawing my marketing OCS, the OCS who exist to market my comms and who I feel intense guilt over ever drawing ever, doing an extremely common dance most people don't even associate that strongly with the culture in question." to.

[modernmutiny]

Do I have rampant untreated PTSD? Yes. But. But! I have a cozy nest full of baileys spiked hot cocoa and lots of blankets and a body pillow and a whole bookshelf so maybe that will convince my dumb brain I'm not actually gonna be hunted down and murdered under cover of a massive thunderstorm. Maybe.

[apollotronica]

we can have the forgetting disorders . Together

YAAAY FUCJ I FORGOR TO WRITE DOEN SMTH TO TALK AB

[conjuringghosts]

.

[almondamaretto]

chris x volleyball!reader pleasepleasepleaseplease

or chris/matt fluff im good with either! Thank you so much!

honestly i think doing sports/hobbies!reader x matt and chris would be really cool!!

chris x volleyball!reader hcs

warnings: some sfw parts and some nsfw parts!! mentions of injury

i actually did volleyball once 😎 (it was 8th grade and i broke my arm in an unrelated activity 4 games in...)

— tries his hardest to come to every single game you have. he's a busy guy, always recording and planning out new ideas, he's always doing something different—but he refuses to miss your games.

— matt is actually so tired of him 'cause he is constantly driving chris to some random place.

— he has most def spent hundreds of dollars just on ubers to your games.

— we all know that chris is into sports, watching, playing, all that fun stuff. bro would 100% get too invested in the game.

"red card? for fucking what!?" his hands shoot up as he exclaimed to no one in particular, rolling his eyes and groaning as the other team was awarded a point.

— secretly cusses out refs when they give you penalty cards:

"what a fuckass ref"

"bro's never made a correct call in his entire career."

— doing a full 180 when the referee doesn't card you for something you fully deserved a card for

"best ref i've ever seen, hands down!"

— after winning a game he's congratulating you in every way possible. a tight hug as he kisses you all over your face, picking you up by your ass to hold you even closer.

— after losing a game he's pulling you into a long hug, burying your face in his chest as he comforts you, rocking you back n forth as he pets your hair.

— go to hand placement is directly on ur ass.

— will definitely smack your ass at every opportunity. walking a step in front of him? going up the stairs in front of him? oh fs

— will absolutely play with you/ help you practice (he's lowk terrible at it and spikes the ball way too much to actually help you but he's cute so does it really matter?)

— if you get an injury during a game my man is gonna be jumping over people to make sure you're okay. doesn't matter if its a sprained finger or a broken foot he is inconceivably concerned probably worse off than you lets be honest.

— will 100% try to take care off you if its a bad injury, going with you to the hospital, doctor's office, physical therapy—you name it, he is right by your side.

nsfw below !

— your uniform actually has him on his knees every game.

— those tight little spandex shorts never fail to create a tent in his pants !! he thinks he might actually go crazy every time you invite him to games, he knows what to look forward to after

— like yeah sure he's watching and enjoying the game your ass !!

— its js something about the way you look resting your hands on your knees, jersey riding up to show off your ass... all of a sudden he's tugging at the crotch of his pants and praying no one happens to glance down.

— god forbid he catch another man even looking in your general direction. bro is taking you home fucking you 2 inches from death. you’re his girl, no one else’s.

— either super sweet and loving sex after winning a game or rough sex filled with praise and teasing.

"y'did so good today ma, gonna make you feel so good."

"gonna fill you up, show you how proud i am of you."

— rough, angry sex whenever you lose esp if you get an attitude with him, either you or him on top—he wants you to do whatever you need to feel better, he hates seeing his baby upset ☹️

"take it out on me, ma."

"gonna fuck that attitude out of ya."

— chris is actually just horny 99% of the time

[tzuyuscloud]

This isnt my usual post but im just gonna rant. I dont want no kind of negativity in my inbox or comments because I will not be tolerating it whatsoever.

I know we have all heard of or seen clips of the LSFM documentary.

1. I am actually so sick of people, might I add people who have no singing experience, job that has anything to do with singing or kind of teaching background or education in singing, not even criticizing BUT bullying Sakura over her vocals. We clearly know she’s been and idol for 13 years, stop bringing it up. She obviously won’t improve when people are basically calling her worthless 24/7 whenever she breathes. Hell I was an advanced choir kid since 6th grade and I still had a shaky voice and voice cracks when I would lose confidence. What she needs first is not vocal lessons but fucking therapy. Because everyone wants to be a critic, when their “critiques” aren’t even valid no real solutions of getting better.

Like yall rmbr when Momo had no confidence to sing bc yall thought the best solution was to talk shit. But now shes getting better because SHES GAINING CONFIDENCE. How do you expect one to get better at something when they constantly have two devils on both shoulders saying that they suck and need to quit.

2. Saying that the girls are “faking” or “great acresses” throughout the documentary shows how fucking sick you are and I hope you are aware that hell is insanely hot. Chaewon literally broke down because she doesn’t know why shes doing what shes doing for anymore, she doesn’t know how to be happy, had a fucking IV in her arm before filming Unforgiven, was sick but still decided to film because everyone likes to hold idols but not just idols WOMEN to high ass fucking standards but let it be (no shade at all) a man and all hell breaks loose.

This clearly shows the double standards the industry, companies, AND so called “fans” have towards female idols and male idols. A male idol can have a voice crack, bad vocals, and its seen as a bad vocal day. But let it be a female idol and suddenly she needs to quit or even worse k word herself. Have we not seen what happens in the industry when your so called “criticism” hurts idols. Have we not seen the lose of many idols who still deserves to be here on earth today. Seeing how Sakura, Chaewon, Yunjin, Kazuha and Eunchae have gone from smiling 24/7 to faking a smile. You can clearly see the hurt and tiredness in their eyes and its absolutely painful to look at. Have some fuckimg human decency and stop acting entitled to idols’ lives and their careers when all you are doing is sitting behind a screen.

3. This goes for every female idol ever compared to male idols. I don’t want anyone saying “oh well so n so from *insert bg*” no. The double standards are clearly there and let me give an example.

I AM A BLACK WOMAN. (Before anyone wants to comment)

Giselle says the n-word. Ppl hold her accountable, gives her death threats, drags it on to this very day.

Soul says the n-word. Ppl go “oh we all know Keeho scolded him after that” then everyone forgets about it.

You can clearly see the double standards. Women are expected to be 100x better from the day they start training compared to male idols who could make a mistake at a concert and not get their entire bloodline cursed and shamed for breathing.

I already know this is one thing about the industry that will never change, no matter how many lives are taken or at stake. No matter how many idols get insanely sick mentally and physically, its proven that yall only view them as objects of your happiness and once they get older (more so female idols) or mess up, you just throw them aside and look for another.

Lets be real, the reason why half of these idols are sick and unconfident isn’t just because of the companies and industry but because of yall fans as well. And imma say this. IF THE SHOE FITS THEN WEAR IT. IF IT DOESN’T PERTAIN TO YOU, THEN DO NOT GET OFFENDED. 🗣️

[thedevilsoftruth]

Tomorrow: Shane's Journal

I had this idea for a long time, and that idea was to write 5 journal entries going through important time stamps of Shane's life. These entries are written through the lens of Shane himself, almost as if he actually wrote them. Nothing stated in here is 100% cannon. These are all simply headcanons I have of Shane and his life, and i hope you all enjoy it!

For clarity, I think Stardew takes place in 2016, given that's when it was released, and i also hc Shane to be 35, so he was born in 1981 in this fic. A little bit random, but that's just something to chew on.

Tw: This fic goes over very sensitive topics such as suicide, mentions of self-harm, shootings, depression, alcohol addiction, childhood trauma, and a lot of Atheism.

◇◇◇

September 8th, 1996

Hey god, if you're listening, why are you doing this to me? I've tried and tried and tried all I could, all day, every day. No matter what people threw at me, I still fucking took it because I didn't want to end up being a dead beat like my stupid fucking father. I'm sorry. I'm angry. What's the point of fucking living if everyday I'm in goddamn pain, and If all my nights are spent sleepless as I sob? I've prayed and prayed and prayed for things to get better, but nothing is getting better, and I want to die. The only thing good in my life right now is my gridball team. My parents don't fucking love me, I'm a failure to everyone I know. I'm starting to think this world would be better off without me.

God, please, help me. Guide me to a newfound happiness, please. I can't go on like this anymore. I want to have hope, I need to have hope. It's what Marnie tells me every day. But I can't if things continue to go to shit. Well, im going to lie down now. Tomorrow is a new day... right?

- Shane .H

September 10th, 1996

You're a liar, you're a fucking liar. Screwed up, fucked up, arrogant, selfish liar. I was blind to your lies, deceived by the promised hope of a good life, and yet you took my hope and smashed it against the wall. I hate you. I hate all of you. I want to cut myself and die as I bleed out.

Everyone is turning against me. Ethan wasn't there for me when I told him to stay outside my aunt's house last night. My mother tried to kill me last night, and my father wouldn't dare to bat an eye at me. I don't know what I fucking did to deserve this. Mom hurt Marnie. Everyone was screaming, I felt like my ears were going to bleed. I ran away. Mom tried to throw a knife at me, so I ran away. Ethan got me high before that and was supposed to stay outside of Marnies ranch for me incade anything happened, but he fled afterward.

They had told me they didn't want me at Marnies house anymore when they were gone. But I couldn't stop myself. They hadn't been home in a week, and I needed comfort. They are always fucking gone they are always never home or.... used to not always be home.

I stayed at Micheal's house last night. I went back to Marnie's this morning. My parents killed themselves an hour after I left. They did it in front of Marnie, and she couldn't do anything to stop them. They wouldn't listen to her. Marine is going to be my guardian. We're going to make frequent trips to Zuzu city for our therapy sessions.

I don't think I'll be going back to school. I hate myself. I hate my life. My parents died because of me. I wasn't a good son, I never was. Maybe if I had been better and didn't get high, sneak out, or get bad grades all the time, they would have loved me. But if there's anything I hate the most at the moment other than myself, it's you, God.

- Shane .H

November 27th, 2010

I thought I was getting better. I thought things were going to be okay. I haven't taken therapy since I was 20. I'm gonna need it after today because I'm having the biggest downward spiral since 1996. I started to believe again. I started to read the Bible and pray because things were getting better, but all of this shit coming back to me tells me that there is no God up in the sky. It's a joke. A stupid dumb lie that innocent people like myself get mind-fucked into believing is real. But it's not. It's a load of fucking shit.

God took away everything that I have ever loved in my entire life and hollowed out my soul until I was nothing, and left me with stupid fucking priorities that I can't fucking handle! I didn't want a child. Not now, not ever. This child isn't mine. How am I supposed to fucking provide for her, if I'm working 9 hours a godamn week at a fucking grocery store? Damn it. Damn it all to hell.

One second, I'm at a fair with my two best friends i haven't seen in years who are parents now, the other second they're killed in a shooting and I'm stuck with their fucking kid!

I don't want this, I don't fucking want this at all. Kill me, please, God. I can't even write this with how shaky my fucking hands are. I wish I never crossed paths with Micheal, even if it's been 12 years since I've seen him. I can't do this. I can't go on anymore. Tell me one reason why I shouldn't put a bullet in my head like my fucking parents did?! Fuck you, and fuck your stupid fucking cult, and fuck your beliefs, and fuck it all!!!

- Shane .H

December 23rd, 2016

I love you, Marnie. I love you, Jas. I love you, Michael and Alejandra. I love you, Mom and Dad. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm a failure. All I've ever done to you all was bring you pain. I'm a dead beat. I don't deserve your kindness or your patience. I'm a fat, alcohol addicted, low-life, dick face who's never made any achievement in life. I can't even get myself out of bed in the morning. I black out almost every night from drinking too much. I could never get a good job here in the fucking town.

My life has brought me nothing but pain. Nobody wants someone lin their life who can't even do something as simple as brushing their teeth.. I'm nothing but a mere parasite, eating away at people's lives.

I'm sorry, im sorry, I'm sorry, but today is the day.

You won't have to deal with me anymore, and I can finally be free from this never-ending hell.

Goodbye, world.

- Shane .H

December 23rd, 2018

2 years. I've been sober for 2 years now.

On this day, two years ago, I tried to end my life. I almost drank myself to death, but a farmer noticed me near the cliff and supported me. They brought me to a hospital, and I went back to Zuzu city to try therapy again. It's still embarrassing when I think about it. Those memories don't make me nearly as sad anymore, I just get... kind of embarrassed. It's like... wow, I was like that? What an asshole, hehe.

Well, my sobriety isn't the only thing I'm proud of.

Jas is eight years old now! I finally saved up enough to move out of Marnies and into the city. I got a new job, and I have a cousin here who is watching over Jas during the day after she comes home from school. She has a lot of friends now and is boy crazy... oh dear, I still don't like the thought of that. My hours aren't the best, but it makes me money and keeps a roof over our heads. I work on service tech. I didn't know I liked cars so much, haha! Everyone there is really cool and nice, and it's helped me with coming out of my shell a little bit.

On holidays, me and Jas go back to Stradew Valley to see Marnie. We have frequent calls with her, and I also make sure to pay the farmer a visit. Jas and I bake them cookies as a thanks for literally saving my life. Sometimes she eats them in the car...

Well, anyway, I start work in a little bit. Just wanted to let everything all out. Today is a new day, after all.

- Shane .H

[hearts401]

"do NOT ask me about ggy or patient 46 because i WILL begin ranting"

You see, I am incapable of ever listening to anyone, ever, so I must ask about GGY and patient 46

I have absolutely no knowledge of modern FNaF lore; I have not read any of the books (something I plan to fix whenever my bank account stops bleeding) so you're gonna have to do some heavy lifting here and tell me all about it

Ooh boy rubs my hands together

okay so im gonna start with ggy because i love Tony and Ellis. (i dont have the book in front of me tho so this isnt gonna be 100% every detail)

GGY is about a kid named Tony Becker who has an assignment in his 6th grade english class. He has to write a fictional mystery with side plots that tie into the main plot. He chooses to do this with his two friends. They use pen names whenever they do their english projects together (sobs and wails and cries into my hands) and Tony picked Tarbell, and his friends were Boots and Dr. Rabbit (or Rab for short).

Tony wants to start working on their project, but Boots and Rab want to go to the fazcade. Tony gives in when rab backs up boots (tony sees boots as immature and worries about outgrowing him and hanging out more with rab) tony wanders around the fazcade trying to find inspo, and then notices someone named GGY with top scores on some of the games. when he asks other people about it, they tell him the scores are seemingly impossible, but when he asks a staff member, he's told they haven't been hacked.

At some point he makes an online blog to ask about it and a girl he'd talked to in the fazcade asks him to meet her. she tells him that she thinks this is more than just high scores, and that he should stay out of it.

Oh also freddy keeps watching tony and at some point begins following him.

Tony finds out that GGY has a hacked party pass (or it was like a fun pass or smth) that gives them access to much more than it should, working almost like a security card.

Tony then finds out one of the school counselors has gone missing, and he sneaks into the librarian's office to learn more about it. he finds out two other counselors have also gone missing, all of them having gone to the pizzaplex before disappearing.

tony writes his paper and gives it to Rab and Boots to look over, and when they come back the next day, they've changed it into a fantasy story. And GGY is labled as the wizard's favorite apprentice, rather than someone getting high scores on arcade games.

tony is upset with rab and boots and begins calling htem by their actual names.

Rab is Greg, Boots is Ellis.

tony is also in trouble for sneaking into the librarian's office and using her laptop, so he has detention shelving books.

Greg come and offers to take him to the pizzaplex when he's done, and it's kind of implied he killed him there.

again i have bad memory and i dont have the book in front of my so anyone can feel free to correct anythign i got wrong or missed

now onto patient 46 who's from the therapy tapes in sb.

this'll be undeniably easier because i can just listen to the tapes. patient 46 is also not confirmed to be gregory, its just a theory, so im just gonna call them 46.

its important to note that 46 does not speak.

everything here is things implied to have been nonverbally communicated to the therapist.

Tape 2:

It starts with the therapist talking about how the day is nice, but 46 doesnt like the light, so the therapist draws the blinds. she then comments on how 46 is not talking to her today, and says that she gets reviews from patients, and when 46 doesn't let her help them, she gets bad reviews. she tells 46 she could get in trouble and get put in timeout, which 46 finds funny.

Tape 4:

New therapist is here, she asks if 46 is going to talk to her, and they dont reply. she asks whats wrong, and they gesture to the flowers. the therapist comments on them being particularly fragrant and moves them. The therapist then comments on 46 staring at something, and says they're "amazingly alert." she says shed like to have 46 tell her about themself, but 46 does not. the therapist instead chooses to look through their notes. she also comments on the chair not fitting 46, but its not specified if its too big or too small. she then asks if 46 is bothered by a new therapist, but 46 doesnt seem surprised or confused at all. the therapist says shes surprised by whats in 46's notes. she says they have a "rebellious side" and a knack for computers, and explains the word phenom to them. the tape ends with her asking if 46 considers themself a hacker

tape 6:

new therapise again! she tells 46 shes already read their files and knows what theyve worked on. 46 asks for a candy, and she gives one to them, taking one for herself as well. she says she wants to start with 46's parents, and claims it was tragic but she doesnt think 46 has processed it emotionally. she says they wrote it like they had read it off of a book. (her exact words are they wrote an objective rather than a subjective narrative, but 46 didnt know what that meant.) she says 46 spends a lot of time alone and is good at self-dialogue, which she explains is "asking urself questions and getting answers" she tells them to try asking themself how they feel about what happened to them. she tells them to let themself be upset about it so they can let it go.

tape 8:

same therapist as 6! she asks 46 if theyve thought about what they talked about. 46 had told them their past had made them sad and scared. the therapist asks if they had written down exactly what made them feel that way. she then says she works with many people who respond to tragedy differently. she asks 46 if their fantasies would be different had this tragedy not happened to them.

Tape 13:

new therapist again! she says when shes getting to know a client, she likes to find out abt their hobbies. when she doesnt get a reply, she asks if they like sports. 46 tells her they like to watch sports, but not play them. and that they like to stay inside. the therapist then reluctantly tells 46 that their previous therapists have gone missing. except one who was found dead, and they said her body looked to be mangled by machinery. the therapist also comments that 46 doesn't look concerned about it. she jokes about watching her back, which 46 finds funny.

Tape 14:

same therapist as 13. she asks if 46 knows about the pizzaplex, and says the technicians who work there know them. theyve seen what they think is 46 on the security cameras. they say 46 was accused of hacking their systems. the therapist says that the hacks are causing tons of problems, but that there's no solid proof it was 46, and 46 finds it funny that the techs are having issues. she says she finds it weird that 46 would spend time in such a busy, crowded place despite their loner attitude. she asks if its the electronics that 46 likes. she also says theyve designed programs that talk to them and repeat phrases. she says it asks them questions and prompts for responses, like their own little therapist. she said at first she had thought they were talking to themself, but it seems more like they were talking to someone else. she asks who it was.

Tape 15:

same therapist as 13+14. she starts with asking if 46 wants to do an ink blot test. she shows them an image, and 46 asks to hold it. 46 says it reminds them of a mask. the therapist asks if 46 likes the idea of being disguised, and how they make you invisible. she says being invisible lets you get away with anything, and asks 46 if they like that idea. she then moves on to something else, telling 46 that it seems theyve been talking to someone else. she says the techs think that its someone trying to lure 46 away, or manipulate them. the therapist moves to where she can see 46's eyes, and says she got something different from the communications. she accuses 46 of manipulating someone, rather than being manipulated. she says they were recorded on the security cameras with someone else. she says that it looks like the person theyre with has rabbit ears, which 46 finds amusing.

Tape 16:

Same therapist as 13+14+15. she says shes gotten another message from the pizzaplex that says that theres a glitch in the system that makes the animatronics more eerie than entertaining. she says the glitch spread system-wide and infected all the machines. she also says it was traced back to 46. she says the glitch broadcasted a dangerous message. she also says that when the techs were trying to fix it, the source shifted. she says that the glitch changed from a glitch and became a set of sub-routines that were made to do exactly what the glitch was doing. (which basically means it stopped just being a glitch and became part of the system?? i think?? idk shit abt computers bruh) when 46 does not reply, she presses, saying she is on their side and wont tell anyone what is told to her during the session and that the techs have no proof it was 46, so theyre not in trouble. when 46 doesnt reply still, she brings up their past. 46 refuses to look at her, but she continues. she says it doesnt matter if they look at the floor, because nothing they told her about their parents was true. she says they had great parents, and a great childhood. she asks 46 why they lied, and tells them to look at her. she then says she understands why 46 would be upset about the confrontation, and says they can come back to this another day. the last line she says is "you're shaking your head like that's not going to happen."

UHM YEAH IM NORMAL ABOUT THEM LOL.

i have a lot of thoughts on both of these parts and i personally believe 46 is Gregory. but if i dumped all my thoughts we'd be here all day so have this long ass explanation instead

[br0-k3n-sch00lb01]

Aaaaaah what a time to exist

my brain is so empty when it comes to making posts that people actually care about

i wanna change my maintag to something other than charlie rants.. but i’ve been using it for too long to do that…

i guess its cus most of my posts arent rants they are just nonsense that i am spouting to anyone who particularly pays attention to them (aka nobody,,) what even are these posts anymore

im gonna spout about life instead of other things!! Because… i suppose i should talk about my life more.. since i never do

and thats kinda what blogs are for, hm?

I… went to get froyo with my friend… it was fun but it was like 25 bucks for two people…

he has a crush on me, and i… dont know how i feel about him at all.

im not sure really what my sexuality is anymore… i feel like sometimes i’m massively gay because oh my god men… but then other times i think of ever being in a relationship and it grosses me out… so then i think maybe i’m aro…

i finished watching Madoka Magica Rebellion today!!

it was good… though they skipped over parts in the manga that i really liked… its okay though

it was worth 4 dollars to rent…

it’s almost my birthday…

i wonder if people got me what i asked for.?

hopefully somebody got me the Madoka cosplay i wanted…

i don’t think i’ll be able to afford it myself haha

my grandma has me in therapy right now. I don’t really feel like it’s helping me at all…

but she says i have to do it and she won’t let me go out of it until she thinks i’m ready. i don’t think i’m ever getting out of therapy, if that’s the case.

i don’t really like my family situation. I know compared to others, i have life pretty good. But sometimes i feel like all they care about is keeping me alive so that they dont get accused of bad parenting. Or forcing me to get good grades so that the teachers don’t have to talk to them about how awful i am at everything.

not because they care about my future or anything. because they DON’T care about my future. No matter how much they say they do. You can just sort of tell.

i got my Len Kagamine cosplay a little while ago… my grandma said it was an Amazon pick… but it’s not really as good as the one i picked out…

I’ve been thinking about @n3hmof1sh and @ffelix143 a lot lately!!

i talk about Nehmo and Felix constantly to anybody who listens..

or even if they don’t really listen…

my friends haven’t been responding to my texts. I think they’re ignoring me.

i think maybe i’m being too much of a burden on them… annoying them all the time…

i’m sure some of my friends on here understand what i mean… i don’t really do much outside of tumblr, to be honest

i sort of wish there was no real world, and i could live here in tumblr with the people that actually care… people that i would do anything to spend time with off of a screen..

i’ve gotten so attached to my stupid screens that i really don’t know what else to do without them. I’ve lost any sense of worth in real activities.

i think that’s a bad thing.

but that’s okay.

[cadaverousdecay]

im gonna get a bad grade in therapy

[erasawordsmithofsorts]

this is a really long post and you dont have to read it, its more of a word vomit towards the end but its really detailing my experiences with 5sos c: (its kind of sad but it means a lot to me that i finally put this into words)

i love 5sos. like a lot more than i could put into words. i have such a long and extensive history with this band that its just so much, like.

ive been a fan of 5sos since july 15th, 2014. i was 5/6 years old sitting on the front porch of my grandma's house with this girl i was friends with. she showed me some of their songs and i was in love. i didnt stop listening to them for years, they were my everything. idols, best friends, family, everything. and the only reason i stopped listening to them ever is because of some really heavy traumatic events that happened to me when i was 8-10 years old.

fast forward a few years, i start dating this guy. this guy really liked 5sos, he got me back into 5sos. my brain was so traumatized, it blocked out most of my memories with this band, with the fans of this band, etc. and him getting me to listen to their entire discography? yeah that brought them flooding back.

yet i still stayed, with him and the band again. this guy became really toxic. we argued every night, he blatantly ignored my needs, he got mad at me for getting more 5sos streams than him, he made fun of me for only listening to their old stuff. he acted like i hadnt told him, "hey, some really fucked up things happened to me in 2014-2016 and i forgot pretty much everything from those years so i kind of obsess over them"

but me and this guy were ldr, my mom took my phone, i texted him through a friends' phone. he starts cheating on me. i come back, my mom is having heart surgery, and he tells me i have to break up with him. so i do.

i break up with him, i go through the shit, i get pissed off, i get upset, i cry. i cry a LOT. and for a bit i didnt listen to 5sos. and then i get back into 5sos, because im not gonna change who i am at my very core because some idiot guy who was 'there first' made it about him. i'll make it about me again, i will obsess over it, i will go back to being six years old crying on the front porch with my best friend. i will go back to being a kid who didnt know why people didnt like her.

and i did. im back there, im who six year old me dreamed of being. sure, i have my days where the only thing i can do is cry and try not to hurl myself down a flight of stairs, but im still here arent i? ive made it to the age i always dreamed about being, havent i? im still absolutely in love with the same exact bands, the same exact places, the same exact aesthetics.

5sos is why im me, like that is such a beautiful and poetic thing to me. im still here because of a band, im still here because some guys that at the time were across the world gave me some motivation to keep going? of course im gonna love them. of course im gonna advertise the shit out of them. of course im gonna know every detail i possibly can about them.

like, i mean yeah, i took a little break. but i was forced to by my own brain. and even then, what helped me start healing form that trauma? 5sos. what helped me start healing from that breakup? 5sos.

tw for s/h + suicidal stuff under the cut! its nothing bad bad, just mentions attempts and stuff but its talking about getting better :3 tl;dr in bottom of the cut!

its so weird to say that "this guy who doesnt even know i exist, saved my life" but its true sometimes. like i was in such a bad place when i was younger that i couldnt function. yearly, i was being checked into psych wards. they never helped. i tried therapy, i tried medication. nothing worked.

and then 5sos came back into my life and i finally felt whole again. i finally felt like i was me again. i had been self harming since i was in the third grade, and once you cope like that for so long, its really hard to stop.

but i finally made the decision to get clean, i finally said "enough is enough, i dont want to be like this anymore. i wanna live and be healthy, i wanna live and be happy, i wanna wear shorts, i wanna wear skirts, i wanna wear short sleeves and tanks, i want to wear dresses without sleeves that show my thighs a little. and would ashton or luke or michael or calum really want me to do this to myself? no, no they wouldnt, get your shit together era." and so i did? i got it together, i made my life work. i started looking for the good again, i started behaving like a little kid that knew no bounds again, i started acting my age. i started loving me again. and thats powerful? thats metal as fuck.

the app that i use to track my clean streak has a section for "reasons to stay clean" i have pictures of my friends, my animals, and most importantly, the guys that finally inspired me to pick myself up off the floor and put myself back together.

because i did, i really had to scrounge up the broken pieces. i really had to dig deep and try and piece them back together. and it took work, and im still working on it. and even though ive been clean from s/h for three months, the urges are still there and every time theres just that little voice in my head that takes on ashton's that goes "hey dont, its not the right way." and every time i feel like the world is over, like i dont have anything else, it's always just a reminder.

there will be something else, no matter what theres gonna be something else. no matter what, the suns gonna rise again. no matter what, something good will come of all your pain, all your struggles, all your heartbreak, all the tears. the sleepless nights, the trauma, the guilt, the anger, the fear, the sadness, all of it. it means youre human, it means youre alive. it means good things are gonna happen, you just gotta wait for it. you gotta pick yourself up and keep going. keep fighting, keep running, keep walking. hell if you have to, keep crawling. keep crawling while youre crying. dont look back, youre not going that way. think of how far your faves have come, think of how your younger self wants to know what theyre gonna grow up to be. think.

its not over, it will never be over. pain is human, youre human. youre experiencing life as it was meant to be experienced, its okay to have off days.

tl;dr 5sos + me have been together since i was six and ashton irwin has quite literally kept me alive and from destroying myself mentally and physically for nearly ten years. cool beans bro

[louthingg]

cw vent )

im so upset im gonna cry my mom is pissed at me for so many things right now ( not doing my laundry being unable to clean my room having a bad grade etc )

“we cant keep doing this, [deadname] this has to change” I KNOW IT DOES. im trying i really am i promise. it would help, however, if you were willing to take some action.

medicate me for the shit my therappist repeatedly says i should be medicated for. get me officially diagnosed for the things my therpaist says i should be officialy diagnosed for. let me use the accommodations teachers say i should be using. PUT ME BACK IN THERAPY BECAUSE IM NOT BETTER ?????? but of course fucking not.

because i have to learn to function like a “regular human” and i “cant rely on my support system all the time” i dont even have a support system because youre not willing to set that up.

but im not a “regular human” i need help with a lot of stuff and youre not giving it to me and im suffering because of it and it seems to you that its MY fault.

goddamit im not even allowed to geting a fucking figdet toy so i dont uncontrollably tear my skin off and my hair out because having a fidget is “childish” and “i dont need it” because thats for “other people.”

im going to cry.

[post-office-by-the-bay]

dearest covey,

how is life by the sea treating you? i hope the salty air and wet sand are making you feel at home.

no, but in all seriousness, i love the new blog! this must have taken so long to make! the idea is so cute, too, the vibes are immaculate. I feel like i'm actually at the seaside.

i know i haven't sent a letter in for a while, and i'm sorry, it's just been a super hectic week. i went to visit my grandparents this weekend, and they don't have internet at their cottage, so i wasn't able to access tumblr, but i did manage to finish an essay that has been stressing me out this past week, and i'm really proud of it! in othwe news, i went thrifting on friday, and found the CUTEST white maxi skirt, plus some pretty pajama shorts with blue flowers. i also got some makeup from the mall, including some nice blush/highlighter, and some lip oil. my little brother (5th grade) came third place in a district-wide chess tournament, which makes me a little worried about him getting bullied, but i'm still proud of him lol. seriously, though, that kid is scary smart. he's definitely the favourite child. (joking, I hope). do you have siblings? i have two younger ones, my brother and my sister, and while they can be a pain in the butt and hog the nintendo switch, i'd still die for them any day.

i'm thinking about converting the radio station to a flower shop, if only because there's better inspiration pics on pinterest and i'm not extroverted enough to be a dj lol.

that's all i really have to say, but I hope you life has been good recently!

love from way up in canada, flora. 💐

to my best girl flora,

the salty air is amazing, but compares nothing to sitting in your flower shop with you by my side!!

(squealing- we're so cutesy, you and i!)

no worries about the time between letters. i'll always wait for all of you!! i actually spent my weekend by the beach but i had the worst goddamn cell service like fr not a single bar in sight- pissing me off lmao. congrats on finishing that essay tho!! i FINALLY found time to talk to my ap gov teacher and she was a massive help with my FRQ4 (essay answer, basically) bc ya girl was STRUGGLING. also, i loveeeee when i have a good thrift. i found the cutest tank top the other day but it's been too gloomy to wear as of late.

also, about your brother, TELL HIM CONGRATS FOR ME!! my school is kinda strange bc we're also having chess competitions rn but they are actually hyped up more than football games. everyone who competes is actually so cool and well loved, so just let him know that cool people play chess too!!

i've got an older sister who's pretty cool. but...tbh, i think in every single other universe, im the older sister (lemme explain-). she's got really bad anxiety so my parents have always kinda babied her and there have never really been any expectations put on her, so they were all kinda put on me. i've gotten really good at lying to take the blame for things that she did bc her anxiety and mental issues would just make my parents reaction worse so i just take the blame bc she's my sister. of course im gonna look out for her, ya know??? she also went through a weird phase of wishing i didn't exist to my face when i was like eight BUT she's gone to therapy and apologize for that so we good!! i truly do love her but i know im her protector, not the other way around!! which is chill, ya know!

ANYWAYS MOVING ON FROM THE KINDA TRUAMA DUMP- i think a floral shop would be so so cute!! and while i LOVE the dj theme, i think it's kinda hard but the floral shop will be so much easier and wayyy easier to find pics for too!!

all my love from da beach,

covey 𐙚⊹ ࣪ ˖

[calebwittebane]

im gonna get a bad grade in therapy today but well honesty is important isnt it

[john-barkston]

Me venting about life:

you know i don't consider myself queer even tho I am Aro / Ace and can find either gender attractive. I have short "boy" hair because I think it finally makes me look like /me/. I am comfortable in my body. I don't believe in marriage or having kids. I don't believe in god. I think religion (yes all of them) is a poison. It took me until my late 20s to realize this about myself. And ever since I've never felt like I couldn't be this person except I am heavily reminded every time I talk to my mom, that she wouldn't like who I am....or at least who I am would devastate her to the point of physical heartbreak.

There's a loooot of family drama going on in the background right now and long story short, im the only person my mom feels comfortable unloading to. which is fine. my dad is dead. her parents are dead. her siblings are insane so not a lot of options, oh, problem, shes also mega christian and she still thinks (or at least hasn't told me otherwise) I am also some what christian. She weeps to me, tells me she doesn't think she can go on like this, how she is hurt by my brother's actions. And I get it. It sucks. It seems like her own son doesn't want to be around her / wants to keep the grand kids from her. There's a lot to unpack about his marriage but we won't go into that either. but I can only offer her an ear. I cannot give advice. The advice I would give would be too harsh, or in the case of GO TO A FUCKING THERAPIST, too secular or something. She never really believed in therapy even though she desperately needs one. (There is A LOT more to this i am not sharing but i promise i am not trying to make this about myself lol even tho it ends up about me T v T ah)

anyway......drama aside She continues the conversation and makes a silly little comment about a conversation she had with my childhood bestfriend's mom about why neither of us are married. (its a joke about how we were scarred for life from a heinous and impromptu "sex ed" bible study thing at an event we went to. We were in 6th grade and they had the whole "you're gonna die and go to hell and get stds and here's some nasty pictures on a fucking projection screen." She tells me how mad I was about it, and how it upset my friend so much. And how they can laugh about it now but obviously it was upsetting and uncalled for. -the did not know it was happening btw. gotta love church events just doing whatever they want in the name of god) This may be a joke, but I know she thinks something wrong must have happened for me to not be married and have kids. She blames her bad relationship with my dad. She blames silly things like this. She blames ....well idk what else, but she's never stopped to consider I don't want that life, because hmmm I just don't!

ugh anyway I lost my steam....point is, I can never be true to my mom. She is way too emotionally unstable for me to come out with it. I want to. I want to be me. I see my friends getting to be themselves around their parents, talking about queer shit, just being human, but i'm always keeping my mouth shut or dodging conversations with my mom, and of course I will always be there for her because I love her but, man, it's rough. I am so sorry for everyone who has ever had to keep their true selves from their family. AND I DON"T EVEN HAVE IT BAD LOL. I am the most vanilla queer you can be.....but man even then....

thank you for coming to my ted talk. it is very lame that this tumblr post is my vent blog L O L but oh well. typing it out helped and publishing it makes it go out into the void and away from me so yeah.....= v = bye.