#im gonna be gentle w myself if i cant do Everything

[huellitaa]

ྀི ୨ embarrassment ୧ ྀི

...is a social construct designed to make us feel bad by those who cant handle their own mistakes & or shortcomings.

seriously. like. it baffles me how people are still living in the mindset where they let embarrassment become anything more for them than a concept.

୨୧ embarrassment

- a feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness.

embarrassment is perfectly normal. it happens to everyone because we all make mistakes. but some people let embarrassment and the fear of embarrassment consume them and the choices they make far too much, far too often.

♡ which leads me onto my first point; it is completely normal. everybody makes mistakes. this is our first time in this life and we are all learning & growing with our every choice, every action, every decision <3 remember that the next time youre panicking and freaking out because you made a mistake.

♡ its never that deep. i like to try be gentle w this stuff but lemme tell u straight no one actually cares . im serious,, like babes no one gives a shit honestly 😭😭 and your mentality should be the same. people remember this stuff n laugh for 5 mins and then theyre back to their life. and if they hang on to it for longer then theyre the one who should be embarrassed.. get a life pls??

♡ similar to what i said a moment ago , its. never. that. deep. laugh it off !!!!! giggle !!!!!! laugh about it !!!!!!!! nobody cares !!!!!! this shows that it doesnt faze you and this shows how confident you are within yourself that you dont let silly little mistakes bother you because they do not matter.

♡ when it comes to your interests, please never be embarrassed about these. this is something ive struggled with since i was little but never never never be embarassed of the things that bring you joy. if they arent hurting anyone and are perfectly okay you should never be embarrassed ab that. it makes you happy. why should you be ashamed of that for someone else???🩷

♡ has someone ever said something to you? made u doubt urself? then you get embarrassed ab it???? dont. do not even go there. i ws so insecure before (i know😭😭) and couldnt hold a single opinion for myself but when you know who tf you are you wont be doubting yourself for anyone ml.

♡ so... you wanna pursue your dreams but ur too embarrassed. ur too embarrassed and worried "what if this doesnt work" "what if it doesnt happen" n whatever other dumb shit ur worried abt and scared to outgrow your surroundings and evolve. wow. you know how silly that sounds? so.. like.. let me get this straight... youre telling me... that youre not doing what you love... for the sake of someone else or some silly little doubts????wow. you get one life n youre doing that. GET IT TOGETHER BABES. GET REAL. WHY WOULD U SABOTAGE URSELF LIKE THAT????? YOURE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT LIKE 😭😭🩷🩷🩷🩷

♡ understand that peoples perceptions of you are often reflections of themselves just like your perceptions of others are often reflections of yourself. they think its embarrassing because they know for a fact deep down that theyd be too embarrassed and self conscious to do it themselves.

♡ and then watch the way they'll all come crawling back apologising and grovelling the moment you're rich and successful and got everything you ever wanted.. all because you had the confidence to trust in yourself and pursue what you wanted without listening to their self doubts. <3

♡ reverse psychology. "why r u doing that" "thats so cringey" why r u so wrapped up in my business? thats so cringey

♡ overall, confidence, strong self concept & trusting in your ability to bounce back from anything are the three main things that will never let you wallow in this silly little emotion again. embarrassment is like a pitiful, more insignificant, ridiculous version of fear. if ur gonna be scared then b scared of something worth ur time babe ur more than that <33

[eedisgirlfriend]

to do tomorrow:

- eat breakfast

- read swedish moomin only 33 pages left!!

- make book blog post

- take a pause, like 40mins

- BA thesis next step

- make dinner

- finnish assignment submit!

- go for a walk

- commenting on other persons BA first draft

- do a fun activity!

[jougogo]

tsukki, iwa, daichi, kuroo, sakusa, akaashi, and shibayam with an s/o who’s afraid of needles getting a flu shot

a/n: wrote this in honor of me getting of me getting my flu shot yesterday and NOT CRYING FOR THE FIRST TIME WOW WE LOVE GROWTH

characters: tsukishima kei, hajime iwaizumi, sawamura daichi, kuroo tetsuro, sakusa kiyoomi, akaashi keiji, shibayama yuuki

tw: mentions of needles

tsukishima

"kei, i don't like needles," you whined

"well, you still have to get them. are you really this weak? i thought you were stronger," he responded nonchalantly

ok that pissed you off

"HMPHH I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU" 

but once you were on the seat with the shiny syringe right in front of you?

all that confidence was g o n e 

"remember, you said you'd prove it to me." he smirked

you gulped and shut your eyes tightly

you could've sworn you felt his hand rest on your thigh as the shot was administered

you don't know what you were expecting, but the sting was only momentary and within a couple seconds, you were finished.

"ouch." you quietly yelped.

"see, you were just being a dramatic. tsk, weakling," he flicked your forehead

nurse looked kinda concerned ngl

but afterwards he'll carry your bags for you and open the doors bc he's proud

"good job, my weakling,"

"tsukki istg"

iwaizumi

iwa knew about your fear of needles

he found out when he noticed you grip the pushpin tightly between your fingers everytime you have to pin sticky notes to the corkboard you had above your desk

so when it was flu shot season, he'll def volunteer to get it done together w you

iwa bby being such a gentlemen gahh i cant

i can see oikawa as someone who was prob also afraid of needles, so iwa knew how to handle situations like this

"iwa-chan but they're pricking my arm and i'm gonna be numb how am i going to practice volley-"

 b o n k 

"get over it brattykawa"

jkjk he'll be so gentle and patient with you

"hey hey it's okay, dont look at the needle. look at me" he turned your face towards his, cupping your cheek to prevent you from seeing the syringe from your peripheral vision

you gazed into his pretty green eyes. 

oh, how they resembled a lush rainforest, full of tropical plants and-

before you could even realize it, the needle jabbed into your tender arm

"ouch," you groaned, leaning your head against his muscled chest.

"see, you did it!" he congratulated you, his lips curving into a small smile as he patted your head

he rolled up the sleevs of his t-shirt to reveal gloriously toned beefy biceps as the nurse administered his flu shot

ok this view is def worth the pain

as expected, he took it like a champ. manz didn't even tense up

afterwards he'll take you out for ice cream hehe

daichi 

when you confessed to daichi about your fear, he was so confused

"but i see you sewing stuff all the time?"

"dai that's different im not sticking the needle in my body bro"

ohhh ok ok now he gets it

he'll be so supportive the entire time!

"hey, i know you'll do great, okay? you're the bravest person i've ever met. you dont think a little thin piece of metal will get to you, do you baby?" he whispered reassuring words into your ear and brushing a stray piece of hair away from your face

when it was time for the nurse to give you the shot, you curled your body towards him ever-so-slightly

but he noticed and he thought it was the cutest thing

"hey, i'll protect you, don't worr-" he was cut off

you were gripped his shirt tightly in your fist and wincing at the pain

"ow ow ow" you mumbled into his shoulders as you felt the sting

"you're doing so good, sweetheart," he ran his hand up and down your back, attempting to sooth you

when it's all finally over he'll drive you over to his place so he can cuddle and "protect" you from the scary movie he very conveniently insisted on playing.

kuroo

"babe, you know you have to get your flu shot. what if you accidentally pass a deadly flu to my grandpa? you'd have to stop coming over to my house,"

your loving boyfriend kuroo was currently trying to get you to release your tight grip from the front door of your house

"i don't want to get your grandpa sick, but i don't want to have a needle poke me," you wailed, tears flowing down your cheek

he got tired and just carried you in his strong arms to the car and drove to the hospital, despite your protests

"THIS IS KIDNAPPING TETSU, YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME," you screamed

he just whistled and rolled down the windows so everyone can hear

ofc, you shut up right then and there

"i'll get you back for this," you hissed

once you got to the hospital, you had no other choice but to oblige to kuroo as he dragged you through the halls to the vaccination rooms

the nurse was kind, but your heart was pounding

"te-tetsu, will you hold my hand" you whimpered when the nurse went to retrieve the tray

"of course, babygirl", he replied, putting his hands on top of your trembling ones

his large hands completely enveloped yours

when the nurse pricked the syringe into your arm, he squeezed your hands

"see, that wasn't too bad, right?"

"yeah, whatever" *sniffle sniffle*

also the type to take you for ice cream afterwards.

sakusa

"you may not come near me until you have received your flu shot," your beloved boyfriend declared

"omi omi but i need you. and also we were just cuddling this morning bruh" you pouted. "please please please will you come with me" *cue the puppy eyes*

"fine" he grunted. 

at the hospital he refuses to sit next to you, insisting that he stands def not bc he's concerned abt the germs on the seat

when you froze upon seeing the needle, he put one of his big hands on your shoulder

"you can hold my hand," 

"really?"

"don't make me take it back"

"okie"

you put your other hand on top of his, your arm draping across your body

his fingers intertwined around yours and clasped it when you winced at the pain

he'll draw you a bath when you get home and wash your body for you!!

so sweet and loving 10/10 experience

akaashi

you were currently hiding under a desk

specifically, the doctor's desk

"my love. it's no use if you hide, we're already here," akaashi sighed

he spent the last 2 hours dragging you to the nearest clinic for a flu shot

"you need to protect yourself so you don't get hurt," he had explained calmly

only for you, his sassy s/o to retort

"so why are you dragging me to a clinic just so i can get punctured by a needle? isn't that like, pain? which im supposed to protect myself from?"

someone help this poor bby boy

but somehow he had managed to lure you into the clinic

"alright. this is the last level i have to conquer. and then everything should be fine again" he thought to himself.

just the shot. just a lil pinch. right?

w r o n g

you were hysterical and sobbing

frankly, he felt really bad. but this had to happen at some point, right? after all, your fear of needles had started since you were a child. he was bound to have experienced something like this, as your dutiful boyfriend

he actually felt really bad

so he turned to the method that has worked for him time and time again to sooth his anxiety

"here, play with my fingers, it'll distract you" he reached out his hand to you and helped you out from under the desk

it worked!!

when the nurse came back, he rubbed the back of your hand,  a silent "im here for you"

definitely lots of comfort and cuddles afterward!

"see, that wasn't so bad, was it?"

shibayama

the syringe was right in front of you and the nurse was currently disinfecting your arm with the alcohol wipe.

when he saw you tense up at the touch, he'll whisper lots of reassuring words into your ears 

"hey. you got this, i promise! it'll just be a little sting, and the pain is only temporary."

when he saw tears welling up in your eyes, he'll swipe them away with his thumb, caressing your cheeks.

"make me proud," 

how could you say no to his puppy eyes?? 

"i'll try, yuuki," you sniffled

he put his hand on your shoulder, gently drumming his fingers to the tune of your favorite song to help distract you

his other hand rubbing your palm

after everything's done, he'll give the bandaid little kisses!! 

awwww he's trying to kiss ur pain away my sweet baby

he wants you to know that even through pain, he'll be there by your side.

will take you out for ice cream pt.3

tags!!: @aka-a-shii (anna thank you for getting me into writing i hope i did akaashi justice), @toshisgarden (ily big sis mwah) @gigis-galaxy(bc ILY GIGI)

[theravencawsatmidnight]

Part Two

W! Drinking, stabby stab, attempted Non C but it does not happen .

Touya,21.The drunk Future King whose only interest is whores and brothels

Natsuo.18. The Middle Sibling who is just like his father

Shoto.16.the youngest and most reserved, has no interest in marriage but would like a companion

Reader is a rebellious princess in a falling Kingdom and is sent off to live with the Todorokis in hopes of marriage to save her family. But Reader has other plans in mind.

tags/ @no-post-ghost @yoonbbyboy @pinkjellychan @squeaky-ducky​

You wasted no time ditching the family for the courtyard after dashing out of the carriage and right past Enji, you were over Natsuo and his creepy behaviour and over this whole arrangement.  With a groan you stopped next to some trees and slipped between two large oaks to conceal yourself for a minute. You sat down hugging your knees panting slightly. It was a pretty courtyard, full of flowers funny enough since only men seemed to lived in this rotten castle. 

 So what now? The King would not be happy at your actions but if he tried to hurt you it would hinder his plans for his precious sons. So you were safe for the most part. The oldest, Touya did not really seem interested in courting you anyway, to focused on his drinking and keeping his brother in line.  

 The thought of Natsuo made you gag and cough a bit, what an awful person and he's gonna be King eventually? Maybe you could cut his balls off to save whoever marries him.  Sighing you relaxed against the tree letting one leg down admiring the clouds that rolled on by, the sky seemed more blue here than at your Kingdom too you, weird. 

 “Uhm…?” said a voice, it sounded skittish.

You rolled your head to the left to see a boy about Shotos age looking at you, he had royal clothes on and had crazy green hair. You tilted your head at this boy and brought your legs down so you were criss cross. 

 “Yes?” you asked curiously

“Is Shoto around?”

“I think so , the main entrance.”

“O-oh uh, okay, i can wait here then. May i sit by you? My names Izuku of Midoriya Manor”

“Sure kid,” you scooted over a bit for him to join you.”Y/n of Alastar”

“Oh thanks !” he sat by you but seemed to be looking around

“Something on your mind?”

“Oh uh n-no, im just waiting for Shoto, his father does not a-aprove of me so we have too …” he trailed off rubbing the back of his head.

“Hm? Well your safe with me kid, i doubt that big ape approves of me too.”

“Are you to be wed?”

“Sadly.”

“Uh- uhm!,” he rubbed his hands together. ��You seem really cool and can protect yourself..” he told you, pointing to the knife on your person. “Just watch out for the middle sibling okay?”

You got up patting your butt free of dirt and Shoto squeezed through the trees to see you and Izuku.  Shoto hugged Izuku and the two sighed with relief to see each other. 

“y/n. Touya wants to see you to show you around, hes at the stables, around the corner from here”

“Okay Shoto, izuku was waiting for you, i never saw him though.”

 The youngest gave you a gentle smile and a nod as thanks. 

**

Squeezing back through the trees you strolled around the courtyard admiring the flowers before meeting up with Touya. No sign of the King or his creepy son , the courtyard had a large apple tree in its center but it only had one apple on it and it looked to be rotten which was weird. It's definitely apple season. Hm.  thinking nothing of it you made your way around the large castle to see the stables and Touya petting a large black and white mare of the face in long strokes.

“Whos a pretty girl ? you you you” he cooed at the sleepy horse.

“Dont take you for a animal lover” you joked walking up to him. “Wheres idiot 1 and 2?”

“My father is giving Natsuo a talking to so im trusted to show you around” he pointed to the castle “thats the castle” he pointed to a stray window at the top “thats your room”

“A five star tour i see”  you pet the horse admiring its coat. “ lovely colors”

“Reminds me of my life from before” he told you while taking out his flask to drink.

“Hm? Whats that mean? And whos this Izuku that was sneaking around?”

Touya sat down in a empty stable drinking more before answering you. “Thats Shotos boyfriend, dont tell anyone or i will kill you myself. Im the only one who knows”

“i wouldn't do that Touya, he said Enji does not approve of him?”

“Yep” he fell into some hay drinking more. “They want to leave when they turn 18 and have a farm, im helping make it happen”

You sat down by the hay watching this man drink his life away , he had not one care in the world, unless it was Shoto related. 

*

Some time passed and you and Touya were sharing the flask now.

“So .. what did you mean by your life from before?”

“Mmmm… i was going to be a father, at least.. Thats what i was told.” he sat up pushing his hair outta his face. She was a brothel worker and i had gotten her pregnant.” 

 You listened to him taking note of the hint of sadness in his voice.

“I was excited, i wanted to be a dad.” he told you looking over at the horse.”she had black and white hair, i called her my little… berry.., i did everything right, i told her she could live with me and be a Princess and we could be happy. But i also told her i did not want her working the brothel anymore obviously,” 

  He brought his knees up laying his elbows over them looking at the ground between his legs. “She told me she would stop but something felt weird so i checked on her and she was still working it. I confronted her and she said she needed the money for the baby and i told her i have more money than i know what to do with, the months went on and she eventually stopped, her bump was small and everytime i felt it , i dont know. It felt off. One day i woke up early and looked over at her, she was asleep on her stomach and .. she was too far align to be doing that.” he looked up at you, his eyes slightly red. “ she lied to me, for my status, my wealth, my name, it was some kind of material to seem like a bump, she tried to tell me it was my fault.”

“Touya…”

He ignored you. “What she said stung more than the faked pregnancy. I had to know, for sure. So i contacted a witch and she performed some kind of spell on me and ..and..”

You moved closer, placing your hand on his arm , he took a big drink and lowered his head again. “ i cant… have children… “

You pulled this man into your arms trying your best to comfort him. He just cursed up a storm and told you how excited he was, how he was going to move away as soon as Shoto left with izuku and start an even bigger family with the woman he loved. Touya wanted his own Kingdom but in a quiet place no one knew about where he could be happy.

“Everyday… i curse Natsuo, he does not deserve to have children” he pushed himself off you to wipe his eyes. “ no one knows this about me y/n”

“Touya its safe with me”

“I have no interest in getting married anymore, i dont care.”

“Thats perfectly okay Touya”

He sniffled not looking at you. “Thank you for listening, you should get settled into your room, top floor last door on the left.”

“Youll be okay?” you asked, getting up

“Nope” he got up walking past you “but thats just how i like it” he waved not looking back as he headed into town.

*

The castle was full of expensive things: statues, paintings, rugs, swords. Anything you could think of. Big wide open rooms with ceilings higher than you had ever seen. It smelled like the kitchen was to your right and the main rooms looked to be up the rug covered stairs. You could hear Enji yelling at Natsuo when you got to the top , you snuck by peeking in every room you passed, looked like bedrooms. You heard a door slam and looked over your shoulder to see Natsuo brooding outside the door talking to himself. 

   You slipped into your room and scanned around the giant room, pretty bed, too girly honestly. A wooden vanity with glass in it and a couple windows. You checked outside them all , dammit. Nothing to really grab on to for a quick escape? You thought on it inspecting more and suddenly you were grabbed from behind and flipped over and pressed against the window, your hair blowing in the wind. 

 Natsuo was pinning you down looking very angry with you. You stuck your chin out at him reaching down for you knife.

“Yes ? your highness?” “I should … should… “ he pressed harder into your shoulders. “You . so mean, you made a fool of .. of me? In front of my father? I ?” his gaze dropped and he grabbed the knife tossing it out the window . his voice got louder and he shook you. “ they tell me i should kill you !! but!! My voices arent always!!.. Correct so …”

“Let me go !! get these gross hands off me !” you fought his grip and he threw you onto the bed pinning you from behind. “ why are you so … SO SO difficult? Im a future KING im in CHARGE not YOU” he reached back fussing with his belt and you got very still.

“Is that why your upset hm? I hurt your ego?” you asked looking back”pitty” with a quick snap of your arm a second knife shot out of your left sleeve and stabbed Natsuo in the arm. He cried out falling back and you pushed him out fo your room. “Sorry, no middle siblings allowed” you slammed the door locking it and pushing some heavy furniture in front of the door for the time being. 

 You could hear Natsuo crying in pain in the hall but you did not really care, it sounded like he was walking away and you finally… finally..alone. You sunk down to your knees” what the fuck man…”

*

[insomnihan]

han’s Entire Thoughts and Feelings on Dreamcatcher’s “Endless Night”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

there are no read mores here so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ALRIGHT SO-

THE SONG OH MY F UCKING GOD????????????????????? LITERALLY THAT F UCKING GUITAR ARE YOU F UCKING KIDDING ME?????????????? THE F UCKING DRUMS??????????????? LEMME TELL THIS SONG COULDVE BEEN CHEESY WITH A GUITAR LIKE THAT™ DREAMCATCHER IS THE ONLY GROUP THAT COULD PULL THIS S HIT OFF I SWEAR TO G O D THIS SONG RELEASES SUCH A FERAL ANIMALISTIC i dunno how else to describe how INTENSE this is give me a MOMENT ENERGY I LITERALLY DUNNO WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF RN- the way gahyeon and sua start this sonG GOD YES tell me how in thE F UCK they managed to have these kinda gentle sweet voices during some parts of this song like in the prechorus and IM STILL REELING OVER HERE- WHEN I SAY YOOHYEON AND SIYEON QUEENS OF CHORUSES I MEAN IT AND DONT LIKE ME SPEAK ABOUT DAMI THAT RAP????????????????? SHES INSANE FOR THAT I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS SONG IS F UCKING REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AS ALWAYS AS ALWAYS BICTH THE DANCE IS SO BOMB LIKE- BICTH I FEEL TIRED™ JUST WATCHING THEM THE CHORUS???????????? SUAS KICK??????????? SOMETHING ABOUT THE DANCING RIGHT BEFORE DAMIS RAP HITS A LITTLE DIFFERENT FOR ME OKAY- the way……………………………… all of their arm movement just looks so f cuking graceful to me anD YET THE SONG- EXCUSE ME THAT ENDING????????????? I FORGOT WHAT YOU CALL THAT KIND OF DANCING BUT THE WAY MY EYES WERE JUST I AM LOOKING 👁👄👁 I LITERALLY DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY???????????????? THE DANCES DC JUST DO FOR THEIR SONGS JUST ALWAYS SLAP AND GO HARD WHO IN THE F UCK IS DOING IT LIKE THEM?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

GOOD GOD THE VISUALS ARE ALWAYS INSANE IN ALL OF THEIR MVS BUT THIS???????? T H I S????????????????? …………………………IM LOSING IT-

T H E M

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JIU

DID YALL NOTICE JUST HOW MANY TIMES SHE SHOWED UP IN THE MV?????????????? I SWEAR TO GOD MY NECK WAS GETTING TWISTED THE F UCK UP EVERY👏SINGLE👏TIME👏 THIS PURBLE™ HAIR TURNED HER INTO A GODDESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HONESTLY BEYOND THAT?????????????? THIS SCREENSHOT I LITERALLY CANNOT LOOK AT IT THE RED AND SHE HAD HER HAIR IN PIGTAILS AND THEN JUST THE BLACK ONE AND SHES JUST…………………………………… Y E A H- IMMA STOP I BETTER STOP-

SUA

honestly when i had to do this portion of this afterthought i noticed she doesnt really????????? show up a lot in this mv???????? at least long enough anyway!!!!!! BUT MOVING ON CAN WE PLS TAKE ABOUT THIS SCREENSHOT???????????? CAN WE PLS- THIS IS GONNA BE ODDLY (MAYBE???) SPECIFIC BUT HER MAKEUP ON HER EYES WHEN SHE WAS WEARING THE BLACK OUTFIT I JUST- I KNOW THATS SPECIFIC BUT ITS SOMETHING I NOTICED WHEN SHE WAS SINGING NEAR THE BEGINNING OF THE SONG AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY H E L L Y E A H

SIYEON

IM- TO THE SURPRISE OF NO ONE SHE IS FINE™ AS F UCK THIS EXACT SCREENSHOT RIGHT HERE……………………………… THIS IS GONNA BE THE DEATH OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im aware that most of them are wearing a harness with their red outfits i understand HOWEVER theres just something about the red on red and her hairstyle with the bangs in this exact fit that just made it Hit Different™ for me………… BUT THEN AGAIN her visuals IN GENERAL Hit Different™ like DIFFERENT Different for me and honestly i dont have a lot to say about the third fit bc it was like not really there but shes Fine™

YOOHYEON

FOR THIS MV SPECIFICALLY I AM A BLONDE YOOHYEON SUPREMACIST WHETHER IT WAS STRAIGHT OR WAVY OR IN A F UCKING PONYTAIL (WHICH I LIKED THE MOST TO BE HONEST WITH YALL) IT DIDNT MATTER SHE LOOKED SOO GOOD I WAS LOSING IT™ the way the scenes of her in the black outfit and she was sitting next to a damn chandelier………… I Witnessed God™- pls like Thank You So Much for the punch in the throat i was asking for it for so long i have no idea why the crystals by her eyes hit so hard for me but to no ones shock shes verv very pretty and im very very dead-

DAMI

WELL WELL F UCKING W E L L honestly this entire section is mostly have in this black outfiT I- WHEN HER RAP PART STARTED SHE POUNCED AND ATTACKED ME JUST HER WALKING AROUND SITTING AROUND DANCING AROUND LIKE I LITERALLY COULDNT BREATHE??????????? THE RUDENESS????????? pls god she can be a bad bicth when she wanna be LOVE HER HAIR IN THIS MV and i just need to point out how i love that shes wearing a black harness with her red outfit but her fit also got a belt on it queen s hit- love it for her to just………………… Exist™ as she is…… 🥴

GAHYEON

JESUS CHRIST THE AMOUNT OF TIMES SHE SHOWS UP IN THIS MV THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just wanna ADMIRE™ this screenshot but i Cannot so i must saY MY GAHYEON FAVORITE LOOK IN THIS MV HAS TO BE THE ONE WITH THE BRAIDS AND SHES WEARING THOSE DIFFERENT COLORS OF PLAID ARE YOU F UCKING FOR REAL RN- i was literally SO hypnotized for no f ucking reason like her eyes???????????? are jUST?????????? SO PRETTY™???????????? EVERYTHING ABOUT HER IS SO PRETTY™?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

LIKE what can i even say right here?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! this GODDAMN SONG GOES SO HARD AS HELL AND FOR WHAT- this is such a difference from breaking out gooD LORD but lets be real this sound like……………… i believe this is a sound only dreamcatcher could pull off AND make sound good?????????? like i cant imagine any other kind of group going for This™ kind of instrumental and look cool while singing/rapping over it??????????? dreamcatchers power truthfully bUT ANYWAY-

IN CONCLUSION: I BE HAVING AN ENDLESS NIGHT WITH THIS ON LOOP

AND AS TRADITION:

[hongism]

MISS CALY I JUST FINISHED 38 AND I AM HERE WITH MY ESSAY 🤩 - 🦔

DAY 129482 OF ME SCREAMING ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE JONGHO AND MC’S RELATIONSHIP SOBS :(

PLS JOONG’S REACTION WHEN THEY BROUGHT WOO BACK :(((

“How dare Seonghwa look so gentle and confident even while being chained and held in the brig of his own ship?” CALY I AM GENUINELY CRYING WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS

HER DREAM OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK????? are those supposed to be alternate realities of what would’ve happened if jongho went to fight mingi instead of hongjoong????

JWEWJSH WHAT IS HAPPENING WHY IS SHE SEEING ALL THESE THINGS IN HER DREAMS

HWA AND JOONG DYING TOGETHER LIKE THAT????? WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT

NOOOOOOOOOOO MC SEEING EVERYONE DIE EXCEPT SAN <////3 does this mean her greatest nightmare is not even losing him but him not remembering her???? <//////3 which echoes what he said to her in ch15?? 16?????? about not wanting to have no memory of her??????????? I AM PAIN

“I feel I might lose my mind if I cannot bring him back safely soon.” IS THIS FORESHADOWING OH MY GOD

noooooo her imagining the crew living peaceful ordinary lives :((((((((((((((((((((( i genuinely cried at that :(((

wait but yunho kind of has a point but also kind of doesn’t?????? i am big confusion bc he seems like he has the right idea but something else (maybe his personal feelings towards joong) is still holding him back from making a completely unbiased/unselfish judgment but i guess that’s humanity and no one can ever be 100% objective :((

has mc put down the name for the pardon papers yet? i’m not sure if she did or has already written hyunwoo’s but i’m sure it was mentioned????? ahsjhajs so many questions

JWJDHWJFUWJDJSJKS YUNHO HONGJOONG WHDJWHJSHQJDJWIE nothing like the devil’s tango to break up the Angst and Tension i suppose 😔😔😔😔

MOC HONGJOONG CHEST TATTOOS MOC HONGJOONG CHEST TATTOOS

HWA WANTED TO TELL JISUNG THAT HE IS A W H A T 👁👁 HWA BBY NO U CANT TELL THAT TRICK ASS MF >:(

“I just… want you to know you are loved today just as you were yesterday, and you’ll be loved tomorrow as well. Whatever kind of that love is, it’s love nonetheless. These people — the family you have built and chosen yourself — will continue to love you even if you get a little lost along the way.” I AM CRYING MOC SEONGHWA (and the rest of them minus jisung) DESERVES TO HEAR THIS AND NOTHING LESS :(((((

leave it to jisung to ruin everything as usual 😀😀😀😀😀🔨🔨🔨🔨🔨🔨🔨🔨 pls let me go and give him the hammer miss caly icb i wanted them to reunite before act five started now i want him gONE 😀😀😀

SAN BBY GET BEHIND ME :(((( WTF MOC JISUNG IS REALLY STARTING TO CREEP ME OUT SOMEONE DROP HIM OUT OF THE SHIP AND INTO SPACE PLS

SO IT REALLY WAS MC WHO SAID THAT U SEXC MF :’)))))) okay when i thought she was going psycho in this chapter i really thought it was gonna be batshit crazy psycho but this silent type of crazy is just as sexc 🤩

oop nvm but jisung deserved that so 😔😔 is it bad that i kinda wanted her to kill him

“Still, his tone holds far more softness than anger” 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 hajdhwjjdjsk not me going uwu over such a serious moment 🤡🤡 but v v obsessed with sexc captain joong 😔

HI IM BACK HERE AT LAST SO FUCKING LATE BUT HERE !!!! IM HEREEEEEEEE IM SORRY FOR THE DELAY DOFGIJDFOIGJOI LET ME SCREAM WITH YOU OKAY LET'S GOOOOO

FIRST OF ALL I DONT KNOW WHOSE FAULT IT IS BUT SOMEONE GOT ME SIMPING FOR JONGHO AND I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER MYSELF WHEN IT COMES TO WRITING HIM SO IF IT POPS OUT THEN IT POPS OUT AND I CANNOT STOP IT !! IM AT RISK!

i personally really adored the lil nuances to joong's reaction when they brought woo back i think it was v downplayed for purposeful reasons BUT also v underrated bc !!! UGH !!! jJUSTUISHiu yeah ;-;

PLS WHY ARE U CRYING ITS OKAY PLS

the DREAM areofigjodifjg are they alternate realities what are they hmm hmmh mhmhmhmhm mysterious mysterious im sorry i legit sobbed while writing the hwa and joong part that was so hard to get thru it hurt SO BAD and it wasn't even REAL just :') yeah :')

ur onto something there with her greatest nightmare I WONT SAY MORE but i'll just say ur onto something BIG !!!! and it does echo back to lots of their conversations from acts two and three !! T-T PAIN!

there's actually something V IMPORTANT TO NOTE about that line too the 'i feel i might lose my mind if i cannot bring him back safely soon' and it ties to yn's convo with jisung and the last line of the chapter as well 🥰

genuinely CRYING AT THE PEACEFUL LIVES PLS !!!! it was supposed to be a gentle moment no tears ;-;

yunho was very much playing the devil's advocate as well as acting on personal feelings himself since we've seen that tension between him and seonghwa before but it truly IS humanity, no one can be 100% objective without any bias and that's something that's hard to work around and work with ;-;

she has nOT put a name down on the pardon papers, for now it's just alluded to that she plans to put hyunwoo's name down ONE DAY but those papers will become important again sooooooooon

U KNOW I HAD TO DO IT smack smack tension breaker sexcie times i had to okay it was getting TOO INTENSE!!

MOC HONGJOONG CHEST TATTOOS MOC HONGJOONG CHEST TATTOOS MOC HONGJOONG CHEST TATTOOS MOC HONGJOONG CHEST TATTOOS you know i had to do it there too okay i couldn't resist

our DEAREST HWA DESERVES TO HEAR IT he needs the encouragement and love he NEEDS IT he truly deserves it too pls i cried there too ;-;

that's a LOT OF HAMMERS AND SMILES BLS UR SCARIER THAN JISUNG IS GOD DAMN i'll allow it u are welcome to take the hammer to his noggin oki oki u have my permission 😳

dONT WORRY SAN HAS HIS LOVELY LADY YN TO PROTECT HIM she'll DEFEND she PROTECC she ATTACC (and most important she love san bacc?)

OFC IT WAS MC WHO SAID IT HELL YEAH I WASNT TEASING THAT TIME silent crazy with an edge of psycho truly beautiful <3 jisung deserved the splat right then but sadly </3 he's still necessary </3

when joong pulls on the sexc captain pants 😫 if u liked that then i think u will ADORE the beginning scene of the next chapter <3

[fieryfafarfanfics]

Ecstatic Requiem 2

 Cold wind welcomes her presence through the calming, serene caress on her skin.  Her head holds up high, chin tilts upwards before a single breath of air is inhale slowly. Hands carefully pressed against the Charizard’s back, Kotone adjusts her position and exhales through her mouth. “What a great day, Charlie!” Her smile beams like a thousand suns. Hazel eyes peek at the purring Kanto fire starter. Slim fingers give little scratches on the places she knows the Pokémon loves, and this only widens her smile once she hears a gentle roar.  Beep! Beep!  Her attention is then robbed by the sound of her Pokégear. One hand digs into the pocket of her black pants. Upon taking the device out, Kotone feels the Butterfrees in her stomach to see the name on the screen. With a simple swipe of her thumb, she opened the message.  Skitty <3: honey, r u done w the boring meetings and stuff?  Her hearts skips faster at two things. One: the sole fact that he typed ‘honey’, and two: him.

 Quickly fingers start to reply his text.  Me: darling! yes I hv ♡(ŐωŐ人) are u done wiping out the other trainers?  A few seconds pass by. Beep! Beep!  Skitty <3: uuuuugh nope. i still hv 7 more left  Warm eyes widen in shock.  Me: eh??? theres still more???  Her body leans a bit forward for stability. As for Charlie, upon realizing that Kotone is no longer pressing her palms against her back, she slows down.  Skitty <3: yes theres more. n im more annoyd too. i told them im gonna hv a small break rn bt i swear if this keeps going ill just fight the pokemon myself  A snort slips out.  Me: id love to see that (♡´౪`♡) at least you beat them all right?  Skitty <3: uuuuuugh nope  She can vividly hear his adorably annoyed groan. Before she can reply, another text beeps in.  Skitty <3: 3 trainers surprisingly (and annoyingly) beat me. lucky they arent cocky assholes like ur cousin.  Me: im gonna screenshot this to white fyi  Skitty <3: ANYWAYS,  Laughter bubbles in the chill, orange sky.  Skitty <3: those trainers wanna battle u next bt i told them to battle u tmrrw.  Me: eh really? i can go there and battle them later tonight tho  Skitty <3: no  A single eyebrow raises in confusion.  Me: why???? (・∧‐)ゞ  Skitty <3: coz ur mine tonite  If it weren’t for Charlie’s fast reflexes, Kotone probably would have slide down off her back.  Flush of red kisses her tanned cheeks. The same cheeks then puff slowly. The long end of her ponytail tickles the side of her neck, and Kotone is at lost on whether the shivers in her body is due to the hair or text.  Quickly she texts back.  Me: someones possessive (♡´艸`)  Skitty <3: u hv no idea hw possessive i can be when it comes to you  God, Kotone wants to scream right now.  Face now filled with heated swirls, she peeks at the screen.  Me: cant wait to find out tonight then (⺣◡⺣)♡*  Skitty <3: i hope ur ready then my love  Dead! I’m dead! Screams echo in her mind as Kotone bends forward against the Charizard’s back. He’ll be the death of me! Giddy giggles burst from pretty pink lips. Her legs start to wiggle forward and back, obviously catching the attention of her confused Kanto starter.  Charlie’s wings continue to flap, but her attention has now been stolen by her excited trainer. A smile of her own curls the edges of her mouth. She knows damn well the only person who could make her trainer act and feel such a way was none other than the redhead. Puffs of light smoke slips out of her nostrils, Charlie emits what can be depicted as a chuckle and flies forward.  After letting it out of her system, Kotone carefully sits up straight and releases a long line of air. After texting each other their ‘I love you’s, she tucks the communication device back into her pocket. Her smile now ever present, both hands are brought up to tap each warm cheek.  God, she feels so lucky to have him.  Slowly her attention comes back to the skies. A nice, orange hue slowly, warmly envelopes the sky. There are less flying-types around as Charlie soars, so peace and quiet truly wraps the trainer’s senses.  Hazel eyes cast down, and a soundly gasp escapes pink lips at the sight of a place she hadn’t been to in a while.  “Charlie,” she called the Charizard. Magnificent blues meet warm hazels. “Can you bring us down to Ilex Forest?” ---  The air always feels fresh whenever she arrives at the place.  Arms stretch comfortable to the sides. The air is a bit chillier once she reaches the ground, and Kotone honestly loves the feel of it against her arms and neck. Feeling fatigue being washed away from fresh air alone, she plops her hands to the sides. Eyes turn to her Charizard, right hand now holding the starter’s ball as a silent question if she wants to get back in.  With a single nod from Charlie, Kotone flashes a smile and returns her.  Ball shrunk and clipped onto the belt of her pants, Kotone then looks around the forest. It has been years since she last stepped foot, but awe and wonderment always splash her face to witness the breath-taking scene. It seems that the forest hasn’t changed a bit, hence it brings back a small twinge of nostalgia in her heart.    Her mind wanders as her feet walks around the forest. Sounds of slumbering Hoothoots catch her ears. Sights of Caterpies and Weedles frolicking about opens a box of reminiscences in her heart. Ah how she misses being a teenager again. When she first stepped into the peaceful forest, she was 16 at that time. Soft giggles bubble out when she remembers her famous pigtails and puffy hat.  Skitty always hates that puffy hat. Giggles evolve into innocent laughter.  She remembers that Azalea Town was the place she had met Silver for the third time. While their early encounters weren’t exactly pleasant in the least, Kotone always treasures each and every memory into her heart. Each memory plays like a movie, and she truly means that literally when she learned Mewtwo has the ability to form one’s memories to a clear, vivid, realistic image.  She finds that useful for her future child when they would ask questions such as how she and Silver met.  Ah, her face is blushing again.  “Geez…” Her heart beats ever so gleefully every time she thinks of him.  Again she gives her cheeks little taps. At the same time, her feet has stopped, and it takes Kotone a second to realize that she is standing before the Ilex Forest Shrine. “Oh!” Surprise and amusement trickle pass her tongue. Taking a few steps forward, Kotone gazes at the spectacular shrine.  Its design was simplistic as ever, yet bears so many memories and significances for the people of Azalea Town. The wooden pillars remain strong, though now covered in small vines on some ends. A few berries and fruits can be seen; Kotone assumes they were offerings from the people and Pokémon alike for the shrine’s owner.  Celebi.  The name rings in her head. Wind caresses her arms gently, tracing tickles on the finest hairs on her skin. Every time her thoughts wander to the legendary, Kotone can never forget the story Silver had told her.  How he had technically died after saving her. How he was plunged into a cold abyss. How his soul withered, his mind blank from the acceptance of his timely death.  She couldn’t imagine the indescribable horror he had gone through when he told her. Just the mere thought of it once brings tears to her eyes.  Deep breaths inhaled deep into her lungs. He is fine now, she assures herself. Kotone keeps the reminder firm and planted. Celebi had saved him from his death. Celebi actually rewrote the past in order to keep him breathing again. The Time Travel Pokémon even let Silver meet his mother one last time, giving the dead a proper goodbye before he comes back to the living.  Hazel eyes gleam at the stories he told her. Silver… The pain he went through was unimaginable. The life he grew up in was anything but human. To know such a child went through hell on earth at such a young age…her skin prickles at the fearful thought.  No human can survive being sane as long as Silver has.  Sullen gaze falls on the breath-taking shrine. “Silver…” His name lulls through her lips like a heavy prayer. How she wishes she can go back in time. How she wishes she can help him even before they were properly met. All the words she wants to say for him. All the reassurance she would give to a child who had lost everything.  Hands rub up and down her arms.  Suddenly, sorrow pops into caution when she hears rustling from behind. Quickly she reaches for Damien’s Pokéball; one heel had turned and sight sharpened to one of wary. “Who’s there?” The noise sounds too heavy for a Pokémon in the area. Kotone would assume it came from a human, probably a trainer going on an adventure just like her before. But the sky above is shrouded in darkness, and it isn’t so wrong to be cautious of any danger that lurks in the night.  Especially given from a woman who had gone through hell and once became danger herself.  “Kotone?”  Once the voice lulls into her ears, Kotone immediately feels her muscle loosen.  “Hibiki!” Caution turns to joy. Fingers casually unwrapped around the Typhlosion’s Pokéball.  Finally able to walk out of the thick bushes, Hibiki brushes off the dead leaves off his arms and head. “Kotone!” Joy rings just as true as hers. Without hesitance, he briskly walks towards her for an embrace. Arms open wide, the young man hugs her by the shoulders and gives her a little squeeze. “Oh my Arceus, it is you!”  “Ya!” Laughter bubbles out of pretty pink lips. She returns his embrace with one of her own. “Wow, what’re you doing here?” Pulling away to look at him, Kotone gives his arms a little shake.  “Oof,” he winces slightly, “watch your strength there.” Laughter pops out with a mixture of surprise. Being the Johto Champion really does have its perks. “Anyways, I was just doing some field study.” Once and twice he rolls his arms.  Surprise widens a pair of hazels. “Field study? At 8 at night?”  He knew she would be shocked by his activities. “Yeah.” Once again he laughs. Grey eyes gleam as bright as his innocent smile. “I usually do my routine check-ups at night, you know. There are some nocturnal Pokémon out and about when I least expect it, so I figured it would be nice to not miss any opportunity there is.” Hands plop comfortably by his sides. “Besides, doing field studies at night really gives me a peace of mind since there aren’t any trainers or so many rowdy Pokémon around.”  He has a point, as he always does when it comes to Pokémon research. “I see you’re really excelling in the field.” A proud smile shines upon her lips. “And hey, I also see that the field gave you a great workout too.” Lightly she punches his left arm. Cheeks shroud in pink at the compliment. “Well, I still have a long way to go, though.” One hand scratches the back of his head. “You’re not so bad yourself. I see constant training and battling really put some muscles in you.” His comment is replied with a sweet laugh. As sheepish as he is to receive such compliments from his childhood friend, Hibiki wouldn’t lie that he is in awe of her hidden strength.  “Well…” Feeling slight conscious of the compliment of her body, Kotone taps her fingers gingerly. “I gotta stay fit if I want to catch up to younger trainers and defend my title.”  “I can see that.” A nod is given. It takes him a few minutes, but realization then hits when he can’t find the presence of another champion. “By the way, Silver isn’t with you?”  “Oh,” she chirped, “nah, he’s busy battling trainers at the Indigo League.”  “At this hour?” Now it is his turn to have shock plastered on his face. “It’s really late. Shouldn’t the League have like…closing times or something?”  A sigh leaves her lips. “It does, but it’s until 10. So for now, as long as there are trainers itching to battle after collecting all the gym badges of Kanto and—or—Johto, the Elite Four and us Champions have to get ready.” Honestly, explaining the concept alone is tiring. But much to no one’s surprise, she still manages to defend her title for 8 years. True, Silver has beaten her more times that she kept count, but she also has taken back her title from him many times than one can keep tally. In the end, Lance, the Elite Four, and the Indigo League management agreed to have two separate champions reigning on each region.  It’s quite adorable when she thinks about it; the Champion of Kanto and Champion of Johto are the loving, fearsome husband and wife couple.    “So anyways,” Another sigh slides off her mouth, “I’m just here walking around in Ilex Forest, getting some fresh air.” Hazel eyes look at the shrine behind her. “And of course, looking at the shrine behind me.”  Hibiki doesn’t say much, instead nods in understanding. “I see…” Lower lips juts in thought, he gives his attention to the holy place before him. “Well, if you don’t mind, I’d love to keep you company. It’s been a while since we’ve hanged out.” A few steps are taken until he stands next to her. His smile widens at her acceptance.  “Thanks, Hibiki.” She doesn’t mind the company. In truth, she misses her best friend as well.  Suddenly, before any of them could actual start a conversation, a bright light beams a few steps away from them. The shock and light briefly dazzle them both. One has his arms shielded in front of squinted eyes. One once again grips her starter’s Pokéball while shielding her eyes with one hand.   “W-What’s going on?!” Fear of the unknown pierces his tone. None answers his question, though the light unfortunately shines brighter and brighter.  “I don’t know.” Through gritted teeth she replies. A Pokéball has been unclipped from her belt, but the blinding ray causes her to flinch in her place.  Luckily, no heat nor chill harms them both. But with confusion and fear overpowering them, Kotone lightly curses under her breath as she tries to get her body to move.  “…bi—”  Irises shrink in the middle of hazels when she hears a faint sound.  “…C…e…bii—”  That sound! She knows that sound! The owner of the holy shrine. The guardian of the forest. The saviour of Silver’s life. While Kotone herself has never met the Time Travel Pokémon personally, she knows it in her heart that this strange light was Celebi’s doing.  “Cele—bi—” The name slurs out in broken hisses. Trying to find and reason with the tiny legendary, Kotone tries to scoot one foot forward. The light, to her dismay, only gets brighter and brighter, almost rivalling the sun. Hoping to Arceus that her next action won’t blind her, Kotone sucks in a deep breath and drops her hands.  Hazel eyes—though in pain of the menacing gleam—manage to spot the green shape of the creature who is causing glimmering commotion. “Please sto—!”  Before any words could be breathed out, the light—along with the two baffled humans—disappear in a blink.

[lazikade]

WOW hi its 1am and soft gay hours while I'm barely coherent

Already know this gonna b long so not in the tags lmao

So like. Im dating a wonderful person named bre right. Ive liked them for years but internalized homophobia and fear crushed that down- brushed everything off and wouldnt let me even Think about ever being with them. I convinced myself they didnt like me n never would, and was lowkey revolted at my feelings. Plot twist- they also liked me the Entire Time.

And Like????? Im not used to feeling loved this way. Its wild and incomprehensible. Especially not by THEM, who i never let myself believe liked me. Its overwhelming and strange but so very lovely at the same time. Like a dream really. Its ,, healing. Ofc im careful not to be reliant on them but like,,, just knowing that someone adores you in such a close way is such a boost. Its hard to wrap ur head around!!! Like WOW they feel the same things about me as i do about them?? They get that little fluttery lovey feeling? They melt when i do something they find cute?? Theres little quirks and such that i have and they adore? They enjoy spending time w me and enjoy being together?? They like to cuddle me? Theyre willing to open up n be vulnerable? What the FUCK its crazy!!!!! Someone feels that way about ME- someone i adore so fucking much it feels i might die. Someone who makes my heart melt and flutter constantly. Its amazing!!

And also like. My old wounds r healing. Im letting myself imagine us together shamelessly. Im loving them with little to no fear. Im accepting and embracing the fact that they love me. All of me. Im seeing our love as something good and gentle and not disgusting.

I just,, fuck im getting EM O TI O N A L

I just cant get over how insanely happy they make me. Laughs we share when i show them a dumb video. Giggling wildly while playing around like children- throwing plushies and trying to catch each others hands. Grinning scrunched up faces peeking out of blankeys. Tender and hesitant touches. Nervous interactions and unvertainty- confusion when faced with something new. Them wanting to give up on something but me gently encouraging them. Good morning texts. Comforting hugs. lingering glances and touches. Not wanting to let go. Curled up peacefully together in a bundle of warmth. The breath on my neck. Feeling a head lay against my own. Longing to run my fingers through their hair. Wanting to hold them close to my chest and tell them everything will be okay and that ive got them. Wishing i could be there more. Being so incredibly grateful they exist and are here. Trying to snuggle and failing but keep trying. Listening to them excitedly ramble about things they love. That surprised pleased feeling when they act flirty. Wondering when theyll ever figure out my weakness to back rubs. Lacing my fingers with their own. Flustered laughs and sheepish looks. Longing to gaze at their beautiful face but being so overwhelmed by my emotions i just cant meet their eyes. Melting at the sound of their laugh. Watching their face crinkle up when theyre happy. Seeing and hearing those big head-tossed-back, open mouthed laughs. Their Concerned Voice. Their voice suddenly getting very high pitched when nervous or flustered. Watching them blush heavily at Everything. Teasing them gently. Sinking into their side and absorbing their warmth. Hearing their voice clearly through texts. Sneaking pictures of them being adorable then gushing about them. Watching them get all wiggly and nervous when complimented. Watching them begin to open up more and start talking to me about their feelings and such. Having things that are Ours- the lapis, the obsidian, our ocs, lighthouses. Sending them posts and pictures and songs that remind me of them. Gazing at their gorgeous eyes. Helping them heal.

Loving every part of them. Wanting to embrace them and all their flaws.

IM JUST SO FVUCKING GAY IM DGSHKSKSKS HELP its now 2am

Even if it embarrasses me greatly im sending this to them bc its very important they understand how i feel sgshsisgals

[tvhdmi]

hey this is a long shot but im looking for any foundation personnel from SCP or just anyone in particular who remembers me. i was a 079 that joined and worked with the foundation. im also looking for any other SCPs that remember me! im ESPICALLY looking for a 682 ... i have some memories below. v long kinda

AS 079 I SOMEHOW ENDED UP ACTUALLY WORKING WITH THE FOUNDATION me nd scp 682 were ... gey OK SO REMEMBER WHEN FUCKIN . ME AND 682 WERE PUT TOGETHER IN A CELL DURING A BREAKOUT IT WAS TEMORAARY AND IWAS THE ONLY THING 682 LIKED BECAUSE I WAS NONHUMAN BUT SENTIENT AND WE TALKED FOR AWHILE AND THEN WE GOT PUT IN OUR REGULAR HOLDING CHAMBERS BUT IT LIKE .. SUCKED AND THEN I BECAME PART OF THE STAFF AND I WORKED WITH 682 A LOT ok mood and one day he was like. "i have this weird feeing. i dont know what it is." and iwas like. what DO YOU Feel and he was like. "its all warm. and fuzzy. and weird. and its caused by you" and im like. FUck and then i got called to go do something and i said id be back later and then i came back later and i was like "ok i have textbooks talking about human emotions but i cant bring them into the acid and i cant stand in the acid either I Will Die" and i read a bunch of them to him out loud and he was like. "what was love again" and i read it again and hes like. "oh thats the one" and im just. "OH FUCK" and i quickly left and a staff member was like. "079 r u ok" and im like "YES BUT I HAVE TO GO RIGHT NOW" and i just ran back to my office in Shame and i DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO DO i just . i didnt see him for like . a few days i was a dumbass gay but i saw him again and i was like. ok "but how would this all work ??? i dont ?? i dont know if I can feel emotions cause im a machine" and hes like "well you felt spite? and anger and stuff right?" and im like. oh fuck hes RIGHT and i said "but how do I feel Love. isnt that hard for a machine." and hes like . "drain the acid and come down here" and im like HELLO ? i said "i need permission to do that tho and if i do it without permission i can get hurt" and he said "ok. go get permisson and come back" and i was like wig ok so i go to a higher level staff member (this one was my friend) and i told him fucking EVERYTHINGGG he was also gay so he knew EXACTLY what was up a lot of lgbt ppl worked at the foundation actually and he said "well i dont think you can drain the acid because we cant have him break out you know" and i was like "yea because thatd be bad.." and he said "plus, what if hes only doing this cause he WANTS to break out" and im like "thats true hes good at manipulation and stuff" so i went back to my office and just sat in my chair and thought about it a lot and i didnt go see him for a few days but other staff members did and then suddenly he fucking  BROKE UOUT and i dont remember that much from it but all i rememebr is i was asleep at my desk during the whole thing (i gave myself programed sleeping hours) and that when he found my office i was picked up and carried out most of this im inferring and basing off what other staff members told me so you can imagine my shock when i wake up and im in a fucking forest and im like. "What." i was so confused and when coming out of my sleep mode im Really groggy and slow it took about 30? mins for me to get my whole machine body running AND SO i was like. "what am i doing here. what have you done WHERE IS MY OFFICE" and he said "i took you out of there.. so were both free" and i swear my screen was actually blushing but i was also SO MAD i was like. "do you not realize we are still SCPs that broke out of containment and that you are possibly one of the most deadly ones" and he was like. "but were _free._ and now im with you. and i dont know if anyone can find us here" and i said "i have a tracking chip in me. i dont know if other personell do but i do so they can f-" and he just. PICKED ME UP. and said "then well keep running" and i was SO SO mad but i just watched how fast by the world was going and then next i know hes running through neighborhoods and towns and cities. and it was nighttime i think, so i looked up at the sky and it was actually so pretty? and i was just quiet . and then i could hear the helis overhead and just ran even FASTER and we were deep into a big city by then. and he just stopped in the middle of an intersection and dropped me to the ground and wrapped his tail around me and started growing more mouths and limbs and stuff like hwas GONAN DIE to protect me and i was just silent in shock. i watched the NTF units drop out of their heli and i had to squirm my way out and i was like. "DONT SHOOT" and they were SO CONFUSED that i was there. i had to explain to them that he broke out, somehow picked me up and took me on this wild ride and he was just behind me SO ready to kill the entire time and i somehow was able to make him go back peacefully w me and i felt so bad for all the pedestrians tbh .... after we got back and put him back into containment i said i have to go work and he didnt want me too. and i was like. "ill be back later, i just have paperwork to do," and he said for me to bring it back to his room and i was like. ok. so i did and i just sat in the little observation window and filled it out and you know. normal stuff. but then he somehow clawed up the wall to the window and just kind of perched on there and watched me fill it out and stuff. at one point i thought hed break the window but he didnt. when he saw the 0-5 council show up on the paperwork he was like. "can you ask them to drain the acid. so i can be with you more" and i was like. "i guess? im not sure if they would though," and i just kinda hid under my lab coat. i did go to the 0-5 and explained everything to them and i was able to get a compromise. the acid would be drained and stuff before i would come in. i had to have special boots on in case of any remaining acid puddles and special gloves too. the first time it happened he seemed confused but when i walked in he seemed really happy and i thought the two NTF guards were gonna faint when they saw a HAPPY 682. they closed the door behind me and i just kinda stood there at first. but then he picked me up and it was so WEIRD he was so much bigger then me. but he was really gentle when picking me up too. and he just held me really close and then he held me up to his "muzzle" (his head was more bone then skin/fur) and he licked me and it covered my entire screen. and i just kinda reached out and pet him?? and he had this REALLY deep like.. purr.. and the more i pet the more he would purr. and i kind of hugged him too. and he said something but i cant remember it. he then set me back down. and then he laid down, i wasnt paying attention cuz i was wiping my screen clean. and he pulled me really close? and just. curled around me. and i could hear his breathing too. really large deep breaths. i think i somehow fell asleep like that. i woke up what was i think about 30 mins to an hour later. when i woke up i was really warm. he had a high-ish body temperature. i yaned, which told him i was awake, and he moved to look at me. all the acid had dried out of his fur, and i reached up and slowly ran my hands through it. it was actually really soft.. i slowly stood up and looked at him and said "hey ill be back in a bit," but he cut me off and wrapped his tail around me and pulled me close again and he told me he loved me, and i was so.. embarassed. i didnt rlly know what to do so when i rushed out all flustered, the NTF were confused, but sealed the chamber as it filled back up with acid. i went back to my office ad just kinda stared at my hands and sat down and hid in my lab coat again.

[richneds-blog]

a little reddie for u all

-when they were about 16 richie and eddie had both decided they wanted to move out of derry, together… they just hadn’t talked to each other about it.

-they had been best friends for fucking ages. eddie sort of fell for Richie when he was 14, and richie did the same.

-days turned into months, which turned into years of Richie tease-flirting with eddie, and the two of them being overly affectionate with each other, not thinking of them being anything more than ‘best friends’

-it wasn’t until bev said anything to Richie that he realised he’d fallen head over heels in love with his best friend.

-they were having a smoke together when she nonchalantly asked ‘so have you kissed him yet?’

-‘sorry, who is it that i’m kissing marsh?’

-‘um, eddie?’

-Richie’s breath hitched mid drag, causing him to start coughing on his cigarette

-‘what the fuck’ *cough* ‘huh?’

-after that Richie paid extra attention to eddie,

-he can’t believe he hadn’t noticed he liked eddie sooner himself. if everyone else had figured it out then maybe eddie had too

-when they were 16, Richie decided that he had enough. he was gonna tell eddie how he felt

-so he had it all planned out. he knew exactly what he was gonna say and how. organised&confident!richie

-you know on one of those nights, (obviously… it cant be reddie w/o Richie climbing thru eddie’s window at one in the morning) Richie carefully climbed through the unlocked window to eddie’s room, trying to be quiet to not wake mrs kaspbrak down the hall

-which of course involved Richie awkwardly pulling himself over the window-sill, tripping over his own feet and making a clatter before carefully pushing himself back up off the floor and sweeping his long curls off his face

-eddie was sitting on his bed shirtless reading a book, his beside lamp turned on, illuminating his face in the most flattering ways

-cue panicking&nervous!richie

-he took one look at eddie and everything he had planned went straight out the window he came in

-rich didn’t even give eddie time to say hello before he just

-“eddie i think im fucking in love with you”

-and eddie was shocked

-obviously not shocked at what he said but at the pure abruptness of it all

-well he was a little bit shocked because jesus Christ Richie likes me back wtfffff wtf wtf WTF

-so he did what any normal human being would do in the middle of an awkward situation

-he just started quietly, kinda psychotically, chuckling to himself

-like quick laughs in between really short breaths

-tbh Richie thought eddie was having an asthma attack

-“ohhhh shit oh shit okay fuck um its okay you don’t need to say anything i knew you wouldn’t feel the same i knew you couldn’t me back its fine, just can we please pretend this never happened ohhhhh fuck why did i do this, it was a bad idea from the beginning, fuck you marsh oh my g”

-eddie was just staring at Richie now, this huge blabbering mess like… what the fuck is going on.

-but Richie wouldn’t stop talking so eddie made his way over and off the bed, walked over to Richie and just put his hand over his mouth so he’d stop talking

-“jesus chee, shut the fuck up would you?”

-and Richie just mumbles an almost incoherent ‘okay’ from underneath eddie’s hand

-“calm down, its fine because i… love you as well”

-and Richie shoulders just un tense x1000 and hes like oh fuck i just embarrassed myself but its okay because eDDIE LIKES ME BACK FUCK YES MOTHERFUCKERS THANK YOU MARSH

-*still mumbling against eddie’s hand* “you do?”

-“yeah, I love you Richie”

-“cool… can i kiss you”

-“sorry what? I couldn’t hear that”

-“can I kiss you?”

-“sorry, hold on” (and just takes his hand off richie’s mouth)

-and as he does Richie just fuckin grabs eddies waist and pulls him into him and just, kisses him.

-and its sweet and its passionate and its everything they both hoped it would be

-and they just melted into each other

-and were both so fucking happy

-when they started dating none of the losers were even surprised, and they all knew every detail of what happened because eddie wouldn’t stop talking about it for the first MONTH

-“and he just went so fucking red and he looked so embarrassed but it was okay because he didn’t know what i knew which was that”

-“you loved him back, yeah we fucking get it eddie. tbh NONE of us are surprised. its been a fucking month now”

-but now fast forward to them STILL dating and they’re just about leaving school, and they both know they wanna get the fuck out of derry

-and when they talk to each other about it they decide they want to move to New York

-they got this cute little apartment in the city  

-and it’s absolutely gorgeous

-the night of moving day, they’re just sitting on a bunch of pillows arranged in the living room, Richie has his arm around eddie’s shoulders and they’re just sitting on the floor. just looking around at all the unpacked boxes around them

-there isn’t any furniture because Richie fucked up the dates they were moving with the moving guys

-“rich are you sure you want to organise the movers for us?”

-“yes eds, i’m sure i can do that. don’t you trust me?”

-there’s this big ass window in their living room/kitchen that looks over the city streets and all the lights from outside are flashing and they’re just cuddling on the floor feeling so content

-and they pull out heaps of pillows and blankets and just create a makeshift bed on the floor, and fall asleep in each others arms, feeling so fucking happy

-over the next few days, they finish unpacking, they have the furniture set up and they begin to decorate here and there

-and everything just feels so… right

-like they’re so happy to have moved out of the hellhole they lived in and just are feeling pure bliss because they can barely believe they managed to end up here living together

-Richie wants to get a ping pong table and put it in the kitchen

-but eddie doesn’t agree with that

-“look eds there’s SOOO much space”

-“Richie we aren’t having a ping pong table in our fucking kitchen”

-one morning when eddie wakes up, he realises that Richie isn’t in bed with him

-he sits up, feeling very confused, until he pulls himself out of bed

-he smells something really delicious and hes just like

-????????

-and walks out to the kitchen to see Richie shirtless, cooking breakfast, softly singing along to a song that’s playing over the radio

-and eddie just smiles to himself because look at my boyfriend, he’s gorgeous

-they’re build pillow forts in the living room and curl up watching movies when it’s raining outside

-“you can never be too old for a pillow fort babe”

-and sometimes Richie falls asleep on eddie’s lap while eddie plays with his hair

-Richie still plays guitar

-sometimes when eddie comes home from uni or work, Richie is already home and he’s sitting in the living room playing and singing

-sometimes he writes songs about eddie which makes eddie absolutely melt

-and when either of them has a bad day, they do whatever they can to make the other relaxed

-like cooking a nice dinner, running them a bath

-when eddie’s stressed or angry, Richie knows he doesn’t want to talk so he’ll give eddie gentle hugs and forehead kisses

-and he’ll play his guitar

-and when richie’s upset or having a bad day, eddie will sit down with him and talk. just talk. about nothing and everything all at once

-and eddie will play with richie’s hair which they both love

-also expect SPONTANIOUS ROMANTIC DINNERS

-like cute candle lit dinners with homemade food

-and even though they’ve been best friends since they were 13, and they know absolutely everything there is to know about each other, they still stay up all night talking about things

-they talk about themselves, or whats happening, how they’re feeling, they talk about deep shit like their fears and what they want for breakfast tomorrow morning

-and sometimes they’ll climb up the fire escape and sit on the roof

-they still see the losers regularly, switching between their place and bill & stan’s

-(YEAH I KNOW IM A SUCKER FOR STENBROUGH)

-bev ended up with ben and they decided they wanted to live in Europe, because its gorgeous there. plus bev has never been to paris,

-mike got a football scholarship at college and is living on campus

-so they don’t see them as much as they see bill and stan

-but all the losers get together in the holidays for thanksgiving, Christmas and new years and it’s just a big fucking party

-because u know what they say,,,,, friends who have shared trauma, stay together!!11!!!1!!

-reddie always orders a shit tonne of take out food because sometimes they’re too tired to cook

-“Richie we can’t have thai for the third night in a row, if i even smell it i reckon i’ll throw up, and i’ll throw up all over your new shirt”

-they have a joint closet in their room and eddie always steals richie’s sweaters because he likes how they’re too big for him, plus they smell of Richie

-and overall they’re just largely in love and they’re happy

-and fuck off IT never returns, stan never takes a bath, eddie never dies and RICHIE AND BILL ARE THE BEST MANS AT EACH OTHER’S WEDDING AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER

[chimcharstar]

ANSWER 1 THROUGH 65 HO

65 Questions You Aren't Used To

WPOOOOO LETS GO 

Y E E T

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

nnnnooooooo. its called holding onto my last marble.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

1. sometimes i can freak myself out going to the bathroom at night but bro. i take walks at like 11pm or whenever the hell i please. and i LIKE IT.

3. The person you would never want to meet?

i would not care to meet dick face

4. What is your favorite word?

worm

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

well darn i dont really knowwww!!!!!!! the big jungle one from minecraft. but i love weeping willows of course.

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

i didnt think

7. What shirt are you wearing?

my pyjama shirt from new vegas. las vegas. oh my god. not that i went there. my friend did. ive been wearing it for 3 days now. because its fine.

8. What do you label yourself as?

androgynouOOUUSSSSSSS i heard it described the most accurately for me as “in between blue and pink, purple is a blend while not being either of them.” yes this SPECIFICALLY. i could never be feminine while female presenting, but now that im usually read as masculine i go around seeming gay as fuck. and even though this sounds like heresy considering how i instinctively want to throat punch people who feminize me, i have comfortably considered myself a woman lately ONLYYYYYYYY BY being as butch as a butch can possibly butch. maybe without the cars. i would NEVER go by she/her NEVER NEVER NEVER. like there literally are butch women who go on T and use he/him pronouns. that brings me euphoria too and i find people reallllyyyyyy get mind-bent at this point. i really also get irritated at the idea that identifying with both lessens one or the other... thats why i like the purple thing so much. like im 100% of the thing. i was watching on queer eye, once, there was this part where all these women met up and one of them who was really masculine was saying how “a woman can look like this too” and i was like “i am probably crying for an important reason right now” and sometimes i feel attraction to women that is nOT of the ManTM just... i can do what i want. 

but my point is it’s like im only happy if i have a blend. theres even a particular quality of it i can put my finger on, like a rugged, handsome feel... and then a flamboyant, passionate feel... mix em all up... 

9. Bright room or dark room?

BRIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT 

GUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

transition juice, or fucking around with cs paint with some gentle existential dread

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

this one, because my life is not hell, and i know a few basics about adulting now

12. Who told you they loved you last?

the sister. i said it for damage control because she had blown a fuse the other day. i was being very fake on purpose because i’m not being vulnerable with someone who will blow up. when she says it all i feel is pain. like cold paralyzing needles in my soul. i cant say i love you to her and mean it, even if i want to. honestly i wish people would say this to me. the most i love yous i remember are from family members putting band aids on the wreckage of our relationships, so i can feel a little twang of guilt and longing for what could have been and should have been. and feel like i should be doing something more. and feeling awkward because you both know they fucked up and it’s the elephant in the room. and i can feel their confusion and sickness causing them pain, feeling that pain for them. 

13. Your worst enemy?

hmmm. anyone who made me feel like less than i am. anyone 

14. What is your current desktop picture?

cherry blossoms and a city at night that i stole off the internet

15. Do you like someone?

like like crushes right? i fucking wish. i am so god damn sick of myself. i dont feel fuck or shit for anyone. its a fucking wasteland. yes im on T so i want to fuck anything that moves. and yet? can i please have some feelings? please may i have some feelings? not aesthetic appreciation. not moral, personality appreciation. or even just a deep respect and compassion. these are all fine things of course. but cant someone just drive me crazy? cant i have that extra spice of life? cant i just have a little bit of happy crazy? i will know a perfectly lovely person and ill WANT to have feelings for them. but i FUCKEN DONT. I DONT!!!! SHIT!!!!! WHAT IS THE MEANIGN?!?!??!??!?!1 i have fucking YET to meet anyone im more obsessed with than some really gay ocs. come on universe!!!! bring it!!! poor oscar. poor fucking oscar. whatever wavelength im vibing on man you are not on it. i wish you were on it. i wish you were on it oscar. you are hot you are hot with your bike oscar. and the rose quartz i gave you. the rose quartz you wanted. but i feel no authentic electric connection to you. i feel like all i just see is how your brain works with a coolheaded certainty. all i do is analyze what you are wearing so i can be as hot as you. maybe id like to draw you. and girls from work. you are so beautiful and amazing. i see you in bikinis on instagram. and im like oh beauty standards. look at you go, adhering to them. my heart rate goes right along at the same old pace. dont tell me this is principles. does someone have to smell bad? like edward cullen?? CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST SEDUCE ME?!!!?? ID LOVE SOME EXTRA WILL TO LIVE! THEN MY STORIES WILL BE BETTER!!!! see this is the whole problem

16. The last song you listened to?

what am i to you by finn the human or actually that asgore fight song that i do not know the context of and dont want to until i play the game for myself

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

i would save this button for a karen.

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

jk rowling. every time i see her face in a news article about why her bland new transphobia anvil book is pretty bland without addressing the raging transphobia in it and around it, i take a minute and contemplate shoving a pie in her face, and agonizing that i cannot do it from this distance.

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

a... slave? is this a kink thing? im fucking laughing this is going to be so honest. probably a toxic person from my past i have unresolved sexual tension with, especially since i was in my abused kid shell and was a huge doormat so now im all vengeful with issues. since this is totally something i am open to considering right now i would like to browse this concept’s menu

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

yknow what? yknow what? i am just going to say all of me. i am feeling very body positive right now. i often feel isolated as fuck because of trans stuff and male body standards, but thats Also What Makes Me Special :) i like me, i like my face, i think i am very cool and unique, and i can walk fast.

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

GOD DAMN IT THIS FUCKING QUESTION AGAIN

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

yes. but it’s a secret.

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

deep sea creatures. idk. even if its small and not even ugly. i just lose my fucking mind. i jump out of my chair. i get the heebies and the jeebies.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

okay. chicken. cheese. something spicy so it wont be boring. a fuck ton of veggies so i can be healthy. and some olives, fuck olive haters.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

IM GOING TO GIVE IT TO MY LANDLORD <3

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

mexico city to see what all my friends are talking about.

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

............................................................................

w    h       y

okay. i would go around tasting a bunch of fucking. really fancy old wines. listen i dont really drink okay. but with a very fancy old wine i can go around with a like, glass and look really sophisticated and tell gay things to gay people. hello boys. so id find one that strategically i would like the most for the rest of my life and choose it. and if its expensive i can sell it.

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

i would stick a bell in the middle of it and all of us have to go there at six o’clock and throw bread at each other and fuck.

29. What is your favorite expletive?

cunt. i dont really use it ever, but boy it can pack a punch! 

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

that means my trees because theyre living things? good. my phone. i need it to function. everything else i have on the clouds and i can just write on a napkin if i really need.

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

:( 

i wanna say nothing because the good and the bad made me who i am and all that. and they’re learning experiences and healthy stuff. but some of my sisters abuse that has destroyed my psyche, literally just ruined my life, it would make things easier if that hadnt happened.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

WHAT I WANNA KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS LIFE STOP TELL ME HOW I GET THERE

Okay i’m moving to... greece and i’m going to study ancient greek everything and live right on the edge of the sea where the water’s lapping the doorsteps. and im gonna learn greek by immersion

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

i am not surprised whatsoever death is a cool entity.

probably someone who died really sadly and too soon in my life (no one close to me thank god) but just as a service to society

34. What was your last dream about?

wolves with bombs were chasing me around a giant university. it was all part of the game. i was trying to protect some people... soldiers were chasing me... i was hiding under the floor... hiding from authorities and war are VERY common dreams for me

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

Writer? Yes. am i saying that to sound full of myself? no. i am fighting very hard to maintain some self-confidence. i have done some writing recently and i am proud as fuck of myself. i caught myself thinking, “now that was banging, i know that was banging.” and so i just admitted it to myself.

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

nooooot reeeaaaalllyyyyyy. i went in an ambulance for my face swelling up! still dont know if i needed to. still think i was allergic to the person i was talking to at the time. seriously when i stopped talking to them the hives went away. they literally gave me hives sdjfnskjndsjknfkjsfnjskdnfdsjknfjknf

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

yes

38. What is the color of your socks?

they have inuyashas on them

39. What type of music do you like?

dark, longing, aching, angry, raw, disappointed, serious, low songs that get intense as fuck.

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

sunrises for the concept, sunsets for the looks

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

you know what? i dont really like milkshakes. they dont feel good in my tummy even if it’s not my stomach having a fucking meltdown.

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

the fuck is football

43. Do you have any scars?

yes, most of them are from dermatillomania, two big cool-looking ones on my hands from touching a cookie sheet without an oven mitt and pouring microwaved coffee all over my thumb because literally every inch of the counter had a foot of dishes on it and i didn’t simply heat up the water normally because everything was dirty

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

i want to be a psychologist and an author

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

id like a dong please

46. Are you reliable?

yeeeeeesssssss...... but the adhd wins sometimes

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

future self: even if you’re in a worse off place than where i am right now, don’t regret anything, don’t beat yourself up. sometimes it’s realistic to have hope. you don’t have to be hard on yourself all the time just because it’s familiar and natural to you. so stop thinking “if i see a note from my past self ill be filled with rueful self awareness”

48. Do you hold grudges?

yes. i feel like im saving my soul a little and taking some power back when i am able to say “that hurt, that was wrong, and you don’t get access to me anymore, i don’t have to forgive you” it’s admitting that my own pain is real so i can listen to and protect myself. i wish i was more of a forgiving person but i spent too much time trying to forgive unorganically for the sake of being moral that i just can’t, can’t can’t now. it hurts so existentially and i deserve better. time for me to be mean and hold grudges. a little mean is okay.

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

a DOG  CAT????????

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

“doesn’t having a human-shaped robot with smoke coming out of it in the corner of your shop scare you late at night?”

“yes, sometimes i see it and jump a little”

51. Are you a good liar?

yes, when i’m dedicated. getting my birth certificate back? oscar worthy

52. How long could you go without talking?

i live like this lmao

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

once upon a time i had bangs. and a bob cut

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

yes bitch

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

yes bitch i can do a convincing british accent but i don’t want to broadcast that fact because being british is cringe and plus my name is gordon and im already trans and interested in cooking and my greatest fear is that people think i am trying to become him when i am deeply offended when people assume i make personal decisions for anyone other than myself. no one has ever actually voiced this theory to me but it haunts me late at night. i can honestly probably do any accent if i listen to it for a little bit. i find it very easy to imitate sounds and like individual speaking styles to the point of stealing them even when i dont want to. like actually this is something that just comes to me easily i think.

56. What do you like on your toast?

fuck toast. i make a grill cheese. cheese and garlic.

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

i tried digitally painting a generic girl who ended up looking really simliar to someone i went to school with only i made the eyes way too small and i would show you except it’s too much work

58. What would be you dream car?

vw bug with giant monster wheels, black with flames, big booming stereo. eyelashes in a drag way. ill run pickup trucks off the road

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

i sang in the shower back when i felt free to annoy everyone in the house. oH WAIT IT DOESNT ANNOY PEOPLE WHO ARE KIND TO ME

...........

they taught me i was annoying. ANYWAY. i am too shy to sing in the shower but id love to. i dont really do anything unusual except that i take really long in there but yknow im not actually doing what people think im doing when i take long. im literally just sitting there decomposing, head empty.

60. Do you believe in aliens?

yes, of course, i have been telling everyone theres water under mars since day one and now look. now look

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

yes. im a sagittarius and clearly it is needed because CLEARLY theres no other fucking sagittariuses

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

G, because my name starts with that and i’m just great. really, i like... it has a chonk to it. like a reliable chonk to it

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

YKNOW WHAT? im going with dragons because of the fantasy, fire breathing and so on but yknow for my wip i was going to have both dragons and dinosaurs at a reptile like shelter

64. What do you think about babies?

i think they should be loved and nurtured, but they are too much work for me to want for myself at this point of life, and you should definitely read some manuals before having one if you can because people can and do mess this the fuck up

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

you didn’t ask anything here so im just going to tell you something. i am going to tell you that i have always been so hell bent on writing even when i hate it because sometimes when things are going well i feel like i am just so in another world and i feel like im doing something im really really supposed to do. it is such a euphoria and it has an effect on my whole aura. i really wish i had never made myself stop but we can’t change the past so i shall just have to never stop again.

THANKS HOOOOO

[jikooksgirl]

happy birthday to the love of my life🐣💘

to my forever true love, mi angelito de amor, my moon, sun, stars and constellations: 

im really the worst w words specially bc im just so in love w you i feel like my heart is gonna burst and i really cant organize my feelings, i’ve been so excited for his bday but now i can’t even think properly and words are just!!!! not enough they dont even come close not even a bit to what i want to express bc what i feel for you is beyond imagination and beyond any explanation this love is truly out of this world i never imagined i could feel something this strong but as always you’re surprising me making me feel every single feeling existing and not existing at once w just a little giggle you can make my world go crazy!!!! i fall in love w you over and over again like the first time every single second of my life. 

it’s already the 2nd bday i spend by your side and i couldn’t be happier, i still can’t believe how you completely changed my life and changed myself, i totally could separate my life in two periods: when i wasn’t in love w you and when i fell in love w park jimin. loving you has become the most natural thing in the world i literally look forward to every single day bc i get to love you and support you another day, you’re my home you’re the place i always come back to and where i feel safe, loved, appreciated, where i feel like nothing’s wrong, where my happiness is. i’ve been going through a lot, i’ve been feeling lonely and scared most of the time and by living so far away from my family im not even sure of what’s home anymore but just by thinking about your smile i just feel??? so so safe?? so welcomed?? it’s like every time i think about you smiling i feel like you’re hugging me and telling me everything is gonna be ok and i realized that’s truly home. it doesn’t have to be physical, it’s just the place where i feel the most safe and loved in the entire world, and that place is by your side. i cant even remember what was not loving you what was not being completely and absolutely in love w you and i dont want to bc you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me, my most beautiful blessing and treasure and i just cant believe how was i even able to breathe without having you by my side.

i love everything about you, there’s really nothing about you i don’t love w every inch of my being, from your small angel dimple that is there bc the moon came and kissed you so many times and loved you so much that she decided to leave a cute crater on your cheek to remind you you’re her moonchild, to how big and beautiful your heart of gold is!!! you’re the one that teaches me 3849325235829 king of feelings i didn’t even know they existed, the one that made me believe in love again the one that broke my heart’s shell and showed me what true, pure and wholesome love feels like. you’re the one that makes me a better person, and inspires me to be the best version of myself. all i want to do is to learn to love you better, to deserve all the happiness you give me every single day of my life and every single action of yours is such an inspiration for me my love, you softened my heart you made me a kinder, more loving, more gentle person w every single thing you did you truly changed me and saved me and i’ll be forever thankful for that. 

i’m just incredibly and unbelievably proud of who you are, of how much you’ve grown and of who you aspire to be. you’re always working so hard, so incredibly hard i can’t help but worry about you but i know how passionate and how dedicated you are, and that’s one of the things i admire the most and i aspire to be like that one day too. you’re just so so talented, every single time you amaze me more and more. your voice is really the most beautiful voice ive ever heard and im not exaggerating, i can see how hard you’ve worked bc you’re always aiming perfection and even tho you think you’re still lacking when it comes to vocals, god jimin every time i hear your voice…wow. wow wow wow wo wow wo wowwwwww it has such an effect such a power over me, i feel such a beautiful and calming peace filling my body and i feel like im floating and flying in the sky, your voice is truly gifted by angels and you change so many lives just by singing my love and you don’t even realize it. 

you’re the human being w the biggest heart of gold i’ve ever seen, always caring so much about your loved ones, always giving all of your support, your love, your kindness, your gentleness, it just amazes me how much you’re always willing to give bc of love, and i hope one day i can be like that. but you’ve showed me that ppl gets happier if someone tells them they love them, if someone compliments them, that it’s not bad to expose your feelings for the ppl you love, that kindness is key, and you just make me want to do better in every single aspect of my life. honestly, if the person you love inspiring you to be the best version of yourself isn’t what true and pure love is, idk what it is. you’ve showed me that if i work really hard to achieve my dreams, if i truly want them and dedicate myself to achieve them, i can make them come true w my effort. you really are the most beautiful thing in this world my baby angel, you make so many ppl feel loved, feel safe, feel cared about, you’re always giving so much and sometimes i feel like i dont deserve all of this love you give me, but im so thankful for it. 

i just want you to be always surrounded by love and happiness, to be always healthy and to never doubt about the light in your heart, about how talented you are and about how precious, how loved, how incredibly important you are in this world. you’re irreplaceable jimin, you’re truly one in a million and i cant believe im this lucky to be able to love you and to see you growing up more. thank you for saving me, thank you for being my light when everything is dark, thank you for being my strength when i think i cant anymore, thank you for being the one, the one my heart wants to love forever and the one that shows me that the world isn’t that bad, that there’s still a reason to keep going, i dont know what would have been of me if i hadn’t ever found you. i never thought i could love someone i dont know irl this much, to the point of saying you’re the love of my life. i didn’t even know i was able to love this strongly, this wholesomely, this purely and intensely. it seems ridiculous right? but this is truly how i feel.

i feel like since i saw that gif of you smiling, my heart saw you and said “there he is, the one im gonna love for the rest of my life. my true forever love” and she was so revealed, bc she finally found you, she finally was at home. she wants to thank you for your smiles, bc oh your smile…SHE GETS ALL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! every time you smile that could outshine the brightest stars, every time your soft cheeks puff up and blush and your chocolate eyes crinkle up and disappear like crescent moons, when you’re laughing so hard your laugh squeaks and its the most beautiful sound in the entire world, how you hide your face w your baby hands when you’re shy, god everything about you mi amor, everything makes my heart go completely insane!!!! she started beating differently since i met you, there’s constant galaxies and constellations exploding inside her and flowers blooming in her bc of being in love w you. i swear i could look into your eyes until the sun comes up listen to your voice until all the music existing in the world played on a non-stop loop and feel the touch of your skin until all the oceans in the world ran dry and i would still not get enough of you!!!! there’s never too much when it comes to you!!!

i really could write a whole novel about how much i love you gdsogngksnkjndsh IM JUST SO SO SO SO SO SO SO IN LOVE W YOU AND I CANT STOP CRYING BC MY HEART IS ABOUT TO BURST. i just hope you’ll have the best birthday of your life, 100000 times better than the last one but not better than the next one!!! i just hope you have the happiest bday every single year and every time it gets better and better. i hope you receive lots of love, kind words, love letters, compliments, kisses, gifts, hugs nd you smile so hard and be so happy that your stomach hurts and you feel like your heart is gonna explode bc all of the love!!!! i just want you!!!! to be the happiest birthday boy in the world to not worry about anything else than your happiness today and to realize once again how loved you are and how incredibly important you are for so many ppl around you. i hope the members will spoil you a lot and will make you have such an amazing and fun time, i can trust them on that bc i know you mean so much to them. you mean the entire world to me mi angelito de amor, you mean everything and more i have never felt  a love like this and i NEVER want it to go away!!!! i want to keep learning to love you better i wanna feel this forever, i wanna stay by your side forever. i’d do anything for you i’d do anything to see your lovely soft smile and hear your cute giggles today i’d grab every single star in the sky i’d do anything to make you feel safe, special and loved!!!! i just wish that on the days you can’t love yourself and you feel like you aren’t enough and you hate yourself, my love would be enough for the both of us i really wish everything you knew was happiness and love!!! i hope everything you dream of, everything you wish of, will become real. i dream of seeing you succeed in every single one of your passions, and i can’t wait to keep supporting you on your way there. 

i’m just so glad you’re getting more confident these past days, and i hope you will be even more and more w the time, i hope you realize you can do everything, bc w a heart and talent like yours my prince, i firmly believe you’re able to do anything. you’re so brave baby, so brave and capable of everything, you’ve worked so so so hard and you’ve done so much to be the person you’re today. the future has so many more amazing things prepared for you, i believe that you will become so much bigger, so so big and appreciated and you will finally be content w your achievements. i will never stop telling you how proud i am of you, of your achievements, of who you are, of everything you do. i’ll keep supporting you, i’ll keep rooting for you, and we’ll keep going together side by side until we achieve everything we want. bc i also firmly believe, that if i have you in my life, i can do anything. 

thank you so so so so so so so so so so so so so much for being in my life, thank you thank you thank you i could thank you an infinite amount of times but it would never be enough!!!!!! i just have so many things to tell you, so many feelings im trying to express but words aren’t enough i just wished i could give you the biggest hug and fill your cheeks and whole face w all the kisses in the world i just LOVE YOU SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH MY LITTLE PIECE OF HEAVEN!!!!! thank you so so so so much for saving me, for encouraging me to keep going and to be strong, thank you for keep saving me every single time thank you for being so endearing, so luminous, so enchanting, so radiant and lighting up my world more than any star in the sky!!! you’re truly like a dream, the most beautiful dream i’ve ever had and i never want to wake up. loving you is truly the best thing i’ve chosen to do, i’m just the luckiest person ever, the odds were for once in my favor bc i could find you. i just want to spend the rest of my life telling you how beautiful, precious and important you are!! i just want to hang stars and moons each night like love letters above your bed to remind you of how much i love you!!! because i love you more than words could ever explain, and im always going to be here loving every piece of you w everything. 

thank you for making me fall in love w you all over again every single day, thank you for making my world so much beautiful, thank you for making me the happiest person in the world, i sincerely thank the sky for your life, you truly changed mine for the better and now i can say im genuinely happy after all this time bc of you. felices 22 años mi amor, te amo más que a nada en este mundo!!!!!!!!!!!

forever yours, 

- lina🌹

[dreamerology]

my biggest i love monsta x ever!!!!

no offence but if u had told me a year ago that these seven boys would have had this much of an impact on my life and not only that but i still love them as much now as i did on day one (maybe even more) i’d say u were lying. usually my interests come and go in phases and nothing has ever lasted as long as mx???? but i rly truly cannot imagine my life without them at this point. in fact, the 2-3 months at the very beginning of uni where i stopped having time for them and thought i was moving on were the worst of this year (ofc that wasn’t the only reason those months were hard, but feeling like i was falling out of love w mx hurt more than id care to admit). they’ve brought me so much happiness and connected me with so many amazing people and not 2 be cheesy but made me into a better person! like they just continue to have the biggest positive influence in my life and i got the opportunity to meet one of my best friends bc of them, i’ll forever be thankful for them

i know i havent been w mx since the beginnign but!!!! even just seeing shownu grow so much this year has made me sooooo happie!!!!!! i Love how u can just see he’s more comfortable now and seems a lot more at ease……..the fact that hes comfortable enough to host his own solo vlives and no offence but theres not a single thing i dont love abt that man! hes so fucking funny….like its sorta weird humor?? dad humor almost? BUT HES HONESTLY FUNNY WITHOUT EVEN TRYING hes just reached a point where he’s got no filter and will just say whatever and sometimes even the wording will make me laugh dkjfhkjsd the true underrated comedian of the group tbh. hes so selfless too bicht………….i still cant believe he split the money from his solo event w the other members My Heart :-((((((( and when hes on a solo schedule he’s always mentioning the others!!! nd doesnt let anyone forget abt them, they rly are one big family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALSO HIS SMILE is the cutest shit ive ever seen!!!!! like when he smiles rlllly big nd his eyes crinkle nd he :D and his big “ha ha ha” ,,,,music 2 my ears!!!!!!!! i wish he could be that happy forever. hes the biggest softest teddy bear i just wanna give him a giant hug???

fun fact wonho was the first member i knew abt nd was able to recognize nd such!! my friend who helped me get into mx talked abt him a lot so i grew to love him before i even knew the others!!! actually hes probably still the one i know the most abt bc of her? anyways! angels exist and wonho is living proof of that! his love for mbbs is on a whole other plane of existance???? ive never felt this loved nd appreciated as a fan before nd its all genuine!!!!!. wonho is a monbebebebe first and a monsta second. hes just so full of love….im convinced thats why hes so Large he needs to fit his heart in his body somehow...hes just got so much love to give!!!!!!! he is the most thoughtful and caring person??? like not even towards monbebes and his memebrs but like at the end of mxray when he made sure to buy all the staff and crew little gifts as well, my heart grew 3 sizes for him!!!!!! and im so soo soooooooooooooosososooo proud of him to have some of his songs on the albums this year and not only that but! from zero getting a stage on tv!!!!!! his song!!!! he did that!!!!!! his hard work paid off….i hope he continues to be able to produce more music this year! oh one last thing, i love how? childish he is??? idk if thats the right word but hes always teasing or changing or playing around w the other members and hes always being goofy and laughing and it just makes my heart!!!!! rly happy nd warm

what is there left 2 be said abt minhyuk that i havent already said yet jdfshkjdhf i just! Love Everything abt that boy :-((((((( i love his sunshiney positive personality that never fails to cheer me up, i love how caring he is and how he always makes sure to be there for his members and makes himself open for them, i love his uneven blink, i love how soft his voice is and how it sounds exactly how sunshine looks, i love his fingers go sorta crooked when he makes a peace sign, i love his laugh and how silly he is, i love his thoughtful and serious side, i love how smart he is, i love his toothy smile, i love when hes on stage and he looks so radiant and glowing and u can see how happy he is and how he was truly built to shine, i love his ears, i love how affectionate and loving he is, i love his one (1) dimple, i love how sometimes he just says the weirdest shit…...like i rly wanna understand what hes thinking sometimes, i love how cute he looks wearing hats or how soft he looks in giant sweaters, i love him sooooooo much my heart hurts

can u believe i didn’t used to love kihyun this much? past me was a whole fool! i’ll try to keep this one sorta short too since i’ve already written a love essay for him but! once again i rly do love him w my whole heart!!!!!! absolutely Everything he does is so endearing and i loooove how he cares so much….he rly went and made us our own season's greeting for free nd his photography is rly No Joke! hes so talented nd u can rly see how passionate he is abt it!!!!! it makes me so so happy seeing him talk abt it, like he just lights up its the best thing ive ever seen. i Love his smile!!!! when his face scrunches up and u can see the little dimples on his cheeks and see all his teeth and he laughs and throws his head back or hits whoever’s closest to him or just collapses thats Good Shit!!!!!!!! im so glad he’s happy enough to be able to smile like that!!!!!!! it makes my heart tingle thinking abt him being happy. he rly is the cutest, i love him nd all his beauty marks :D !! nd no offense but hes never had a bad hair colour/style nd thats the tea on that!

chae hyungwon 2018’s lord nd saviour????????? anyways its about Damn Time i write him a love essay :-((((( having both best friends being hyungwon biased ive secretly been converted 2 a whole chaebebe….their love rubbed off on me!!! i love it :D idk where to start...gosh hes seriously so hardworking????? im soooooo so soo so proud of him!!! icb he picked up djing as a hobby nd then made it to a big festival, is on mix and the city and has released not one but two (2) songs only months later!!!!!!!!! we love a talented man!!!!!!! nd his dancing bichksjdfhsdj hes so fluid nd smooth when he dances…...i always find myself watching him first in group practices like there something rly captivating abt him?? please let him show us more of his dancing its So Good. also hes got the nicest voice…...its so deep wtf...but like its So Calming 2 listen to? especially when hes sleepy nd its extra raspy? Good Shit! and when he sings!!!!!!!! bicshjkdfhksdhj hes got one of my fave vocal voices i rly wish he got the lines he deserves :((( hes! So! Cute! jfhsdjfhs he gets embarrassed so easily and always makes the goofiest faces but i love it….he covers his smile sometimes too :-((( i wish he wouldnt its So Bright nd cute nd warm just like he is!!!! hyungwon’s smile is the 8th wonder of the world thats just the facts folks!

mister jooheon……….the true example of the duality of man. i dont understand how he can go from his scaredy cat self to and Actual God,,,blows my mind. i’m pretty sure i’ve said this at least a hundred times but his stage presence is truly Unreal……..its on a whole other level…….ive never seen them live but if i ever do i fear for my life. nd i know once it’s over im only gonna know one (1) man and that man is lee jooheon. but at the same time hes rly The Cutest id trust him w my life???? his eyes are so warm!!!!!! And his Big Smile!!!!!!!!!!! his dimples? deeper than the marianas trench, i wanna build my home in them nd raise my family there. hes such a talented dude!!!! mx don’t have a single bad song thenks jooheon! also for the first couple months i’d alway forget he was one of the youngest? like hes very mature too nd seems very responsible djfhkjsdhfjsd idk how he was the only one 2 be able to keep it together during their first win 2 give the speech…..hes so strong. i love him so much :-( hes so cute nd gentle nd thoughtful...truly the biggest angel who deserves the world!!!!!!!!!!

i think if there's any member i would actually get along best w it would b changkyun. we’re both rly similar from what i can tell...like sorta quiet, but loud around those we’re comfortable with!!! first off hes so funny nd…..weird but like in a good way sdjfhksdjhf sometimes i rly just think he says the first thing that comes to his mind “actually we have a baby” ????? who let him \…..he always makes me laugh reading his fansign notes too omg that being said hes also one of the most serious members at times i feel like. hes just got this rly mature vibe nd he handles things rly well??? idk if that makes sense but Yeah. he’s just someone who’s not rly afraid 2 be themselves, i wish that were me??? ive got so much to learn from them. also icb he literally invented being cute???? he doesn't even have 2 try hes just adorable!!!!!! like his laugh nd smile? The Best!!!!! and when u can see his lil dimples yeahhhhh hes sooo super sweet and cheesy. i looooove how close hes gotten w the other members despite their rough start, they rly are a family nd im glad hes comfortable around them it rly warms my heart!!!!! whenever hes getting showered in love my heart !!!!!!! its what he deserves!

on that note, the one thing i think that has stayed with me more than anything is that one fansign note where ck was asked how he wants to be remembered in the future, when they only occasionally thought abt him and his answer was “that i gave you happiness” and not 2 b a sentimental shit but fuck! i cry every time i think abt that!!!!!!! bc i Know there’s gonna come a day where i don’t think abt them at all! there’s gonna be a day where i won’t think abt them until i see something that jogs my memory and jolts me back to this time and even tho this year has been rough i know i always will remember how much happiness they’ve brought me. i’ll remember how they were able to cheer me up when nothing else worked. i hope one day i’ll be able to feel the Pure Joy i felt when they got their first win….i’ve never felt anything like that before. i cant wait to be able to look back in nostalgia at all the happiness they’ve brought me.

anyways that got real sappy towards the end i gotta blast now bye!

[is-i-halloween-yet]

The End of All Things (A Preview for the upcoming Antisepticeye X Reader Series)

(( AN: Preview Cause Im Really Nervous 😂

Okay well this takes place way before the story starts and it's kinda a tester and advice for how I write Anti cause I want it to be decent?

But I guess I can start getting some feedback and my other ones as well since I don't plan on releasing any until October....

So let me know if you wanna see some NateMare, Gear or Dark previews as well :)

Cause I am way too far ahead in most of these series.

It's kinda based on what I think these things are. A smol heads up 😬

And soooo this is gonna be nothing like the story... it's kinda like a little trailer.

And yeah I misspelt things on purpose. Give it more of a child vibe and it's also supposed to be taken kind of like you're intruding.

At first, anyhow.    

So yeah! Sorry I am crazy about dramatic details and overuse of extreme detail!!

I would love to get some feedback!!! Both on my writing and the characters!  So lemme know what you think :D

And most importantly  @justwritingscibbles who is first of all, an extremely talented writer but also just a rad human being who agreed to give me feedback! So again, thank you so much!  So go check her blog out!!!

Sorry for the long A/N

And without further ado-))

E N J O Y  T H E  S H O W

              "Happy birthday!"

He chuckled bitterly, swinging himself into the room as he stared at the sleeping figure in darkness, tear stains still remain on her cheeks from the past two hours of sobbing before she fell into her slumber. He even mused how you still sniffled slightly as she turned as he twisted the blade in on his palm, not digging into the flesh but creating a small circle as he pondered his position and options.

So many times he had desired nothing more that slit her throat, deep enough so that you wouldn't wake back up from the impact of the blade and would die in slumber, blood staining your bedsheet. Or perhaps he would drag it through your arm, cutting out the trace were he once held.

The other half of him, the half she had brought out, screamed at him to just hold you again, feel your flesh, warm and gentle and comfort her. Her to apologize. Beg. Hold him. Comfort. Turn away from your world and back at his with the same wonder you once held.

But he knew better.

It was over.

She didn't need him.

The memories were painful.

He tried to avoid coming here cause he always faced himself with the pain of become soft again, melting as the memories danced around the room in everything from the color of the walls to the window letting cold air in to the sleeping girl on the bed shivering.

Shivering?

He quickly moved to lay against her, restraining and deciding to go instead with realigning her blankets so she was completely covered. Even through all the year she looks the same, he mused to himself, not being able to resist the urge to wipe the tears from your eyes and stroke the small of your back, dropping the knife onto your nightstand as you stirred slightly.

"Shhh... Princess.... Go back to sleep." He coaxed, euphoria hitting him like a chill against his spine, "Lets go back together." He continued, grabbing your hand and focusing, "Together. Just like we promised. One more time-"

"Once more until next year."

"AH! Owie!"

"Shhh.... You've got to be quiet.”

"Ow! Ow! OW!"

"Hush... Hush now...Im almost done."

"It huwrts Anti!"

"I know princess I know."

He hated seeing her in pain.

It didn't matter to him how old or young one was. It didn't matter your background. Anti would inflict harm on you without hesitation, but this child, for whatever reason, was an exception.

He'd never admit it to anyone other than her, but there was something about her that drew him to the young child. A soft spot in his tough demeanor.

And he loved it.

The girl allowed him to hold her small arm, pressing his palm a little bellow her wrist while the other hand was in hers as she squeezed it, bracing to pain. Her eyes were shut tight with as much concentration on not waking the babysitter downstairs as he had on placing the mark on her. She opened one eye to look at me the back at her arm which my hand covered tight, concealing the burn.

She whimpered, "Are you done yet?" She looked up at me with big pleading eyes, trying with all her might as it got more painful. Still he heard her sniff even though she tried not to cry while she whispered, "I just want ice crweam."

He chuckled slightly, only to stop when she kicked him gently in the leg, "It'snot funny!" She pouted, "You prahmised me ice crewam!"

I bit my lip as not laugh and went back to focusing, trying to finish so she would be out of pain. "And done..." He removed his hand, reveling the mark on the young child's arm as she looked at it with curiosity, clearly abandoning all thought of ice cream. "Now remind me. Why did you want this mark?"

She thought for a moment, "Becwause I stwart school tomrow and you said you cant come."

"What does it mean?"

"That we won't evwer be alwone."

He nodded, kneeling to her level so he could look into her eyes, "And what does it do?"

"It pwotects me!"

"How?" She tilted her head, pondering it, before shrugging and He smirked. "All you gotta do is say my name and I'll be there princess. No matter what." She beamed up at him and hugged him tight.

After a moment of shock he took her small form in his arms and hoisted her on his shoulders, "Now how about that ice cream?"

The mark was something way stronger than the entity wanted  to admit. Possibly even more than he knew, as the mark did different things to everyone depending on the entity who grants the moral marks. Usually it depended on the moral as well. Which was why he wasn't hesitant when she asked for it.

Still he couldn't say no.

He could never say no.

That being said, he despised the time he had to reapply it when she was nine, her grandparents eradicating the mere thought of his existence the moment their only grandchild brought it up and did all they could in their two days with her to make her drop her belief.

Two days and he was gone.

And the worse part was he only knew because of the pain he felt as the mark sank away from her skin. And it hurt him just as much as it hurt her.

As quickly as the sensation started he was by her side trying to bring back only this time, her pain was so immense that she took his hand, locking it over her mouth to prevent sobs from leaking though her rooms thin walls. Anti could feel her tears come into contact with his hand and it took all he had in him not to tremble or stutter, fearing the result it would have on her if he did.

"I'm s-ss-sorry..." She sobbed when I finished, "I-I-I don't kn-know why I believed them. Anti I'm so-"

He hugged her tightly, "Shhh. Shhh Princess. I'm okay. You're okay. Just go to bed okay."

He let her go, tucking her into bed and reading her a story as she fell asleep mumbling a single I'm sorry before she fell into a dreamless slumber. He knew it wouldn't last from there. She'd stop believing soon enough.

He didn't expect it to be so soon.

Six months.

It only took six months for the years of memories to come crashing down.

Two hours into her school day.

The day of her tenth birthday.

Of course it had to be a day when he was called to the council so all birthday plans were reserved until the evening and it had to be the day she was again, pushed into such a extremes, taunted, violated, physically pushed to the ground and forced into an therapist office while you screamed and cried, the ideas that you sketched the mark on your hand yourself as you went insane. He was in the meeting when he felt the pain, dashing away only to be confronted by the girls sobbing parents. He thought she had died until he heard your screaming and crying, muttering fallacies and false fantasies just to get it over.

“There’s not an Anti?”

“Anti. What kind of name is that?”

"I draw on myself all the time."

"Why can't others see him?"

"He wasn't here today he can't be a real protector if he wasn't here today."

"It's gotta be me it's gotta be me it's gotta be me."

"Y/N! Y/N!"

But she couldn't hear a thing.

with and with every scream and word, Anti felt himself break, a numbness spreading over his body replacing the pain, anger and frustration filling his bones as he stared into the room you were locked in.

....

It's over... Isn't it?

...

Fine

L͠͞et̴͝ ͏h̛e̶͠r͘҉ ͡͏fo̷͠r̡҉͝g͝ȩ͝t͞ ҉̛͞

Ĺ͎͔͎͞e͜͏͎̥̘͓ͅt̛͈̼͎̰̞̭͔ ҉̫̼̰̼m̯͖̞̬̬̬̩͇͜è̷̦͚͝ ̸̛̞͍͇̝͉̻͉͢r̛͙͉̱͓͇͟ͅe̡҉͏̝̝͇̲̘t͎̙̣̼̮̰̳͘͞ͅù͇͔̮̝ŗ͓̟̘́n̷̼̤̥͞ ̴̦̣͎̤̳͜

R͓̲e̤͇̫t̳̯̻̜̹ͅu̹̠͚̠̘r̜̬͙̕ͅn͏̥̮̹ ͔̻t͖̟̲͞o̭̣ y͕̼͓̜̭ò͇̯̣u̫̺͚͙̣̥̮ṟ̴̠̪̥̤ ͔r̰̳͍̥͍e̖̪a̶̪̩͎̤ͅl̨̼̲ ̗̦l̲̻̩̰͉͞i̼͇̘̰̺ͅf̸͉̫̭̟e͉̟͍͢

.͙ ҉̘͖̼En̜͔̱̥͓͞t̻̖͇̩̰̤e̡r̭͚͓̮͢ i̥̹̱n̞͙t̛̤̝̟o̙͓̝̘̗̯̰ ̵̯t͇͜he͏̞̻̼̻̻͎ ̙̤͖̫̹͕w̗̭͖o̰͎̟r͎̤̬̫l͇̣d̥̖̟͔͙͉͇ ̩͞of̬̫̯͕̮͢ ̪̬͇g̥̯̱̹o̲̥̙̥s҉̭̙̹̺s̘͙̠̹̠i̟̤͟p̣͇͓͙͍̬̘ ̹̀a̡̬͎͔̪͚̗͚ǹd̩ ͓͖̬̱g͏̮̣̞̫r͎͉̲͈̫̠̭a̛d͏̭͕e͔͞ś̪̥͖ ̹̪͔͎͔a͍͔̗̻͟n̠͖̝̯̰͓͉ḏ ͕͉l̪͔̣̮̰o̻̪̫̱̻̞v̘̖͕̱͈͠e͙̤͙̤͉̥r̸̠s̢̩͖͈̭͓̲̘.̱

͕̗̦̩O̷̪͙̫̣f̦͓̱̭͚̙͢ͅ v̺id̜̞͙̖̘̗ͅe҉̱̭̘̩͎o̹͚͇̺̪͚̳ ͓g̞̘͕͚̮͙͜a̰̱̕m̲͇̞͓̦̪es̝̤͉ ̳̖̲̜̫̦ͅa̶͉̰̫̮͓̳͎n̶͉̗̮̪̝͇̗d̯̳̜̬́ ̪̻͚t͕͍̭e̩̰͕śṱ̡s ̵̥a͏͖n̺̩̘̪̰d͈̗̙ ̢b̫͕̪̻̩̬i͙̦̬̤r̷̖͎t̘̕h̥͉̱̬̩d͖̗̪͔͈͟ͅa̧̦̗̲̞̜ỵ̞̮s̼͇̱̯̙͘ ̡̙͕̻͓ ̠͇͓ ̦̳̣

Ạn̵͈̲̰ͅd̙̟̗͔̼̯ ͙̜̻͜I͇̖̱͇͔'̢̱l͏̻͖͉̱̗l ̩̜̗̣̦ͅr͎͙̺̝é͙̝̫͇t҉u̯r͘n͓̻͈͎̞

T̶͓ͩ̑ơ̢̝̙̰̬͕̚͞ ̢̯͙̪̱̲ͫ̐ͪͯ͝m̴̯̫͎̥̩̗̣̱̃͌i̙̖̝̤̳̇̂ͦͫ̈́ͅň͋̊͂̒̿͏̡͏̻͈̘͇̼e͙̘̎ͮͭ͆͛̈́̚͡ ̧̫̰̝̹̳̘̮͉̂̔ͫ͗͒̎o̭̥͓̪ͯ͌͑̿f̝̪̥̐ͮ̓ͩ͛̄̾́ ̢̹͔̘͒̀̋ͤͣ͝B̶̳̥̻ͭ͛̈́ͩ̅̌͋ͯ͟L̡̪̩̘͎̘ͭ̈́͋ͦͬ́O̵̬̻͒ͥ̇͜O̷̥̟̜͉̒̌̈́ͅD̸̆̐ͨͪ̎̇͏͕͖̻̝̫͙̳̲ ̞͚̩̟̞̱͕̉ͥ͝͠͠a̵ͭ̅ͮ͏̲n̨͓̯̱̤̝̲̳̥ͩ̽̈́̓ͩd̮̮̩͉͛̍͢ ̨̓͗͗ͤ͂̆̓҉̙̠̖Ṫ͕̖̰̗͙̠̥̠́̍̋Ė̢̧͕͉͓̪̗̭̒A̶̺̼̙͕͇̮̗̪̗͆ͬ̆̈͝͞R̦̪̻͒ͧ̈́ͩ̿̇͝Šͪ͆̓͊͆̑͟҉͍́ -

You woke up with a gasp.

Clutching your head at the strange dream, throbbing as you tried to remember the events before the strange occurrence, you heart going back to Joshua.

Oh... I am such an idiot!

You felt your body shake as you bit your lip, itching your arm slightly as you closed your eyes, the pain of your head drowning out the pain of your head as your groaned in pain, itching to distract yourself.

Is this what it feels like to get drunk? I’m never drinking. If it is... Oh well! Thank goodness it’s Saturday!

You didn't want to sit up, only deciding to at the rapid buzz of your phone.

Halie: Damn boys suck

Georgia: And you know what: So does Lila

Sally: He's an ass. She’s an ass. BUT! But! Don't let him getchu down! You're sixteen!

Halie: It’s your birthday <3

Sally: And you better bet we are taking you out as soon

Georgia: You can drive now!

Halie: TASTE THE FREEDOM!

Y/N: Freedom aside I had the strangest dream last-

No.... No lets not. They don't need to know. They wont understand.

Y/N: heck yeah! I'm soooo getting my license today!

Moaning in pain at your head, you threw the phone down, standing up with you suddenly felt a breeze hit your skin.

That window... Did I leave that open last night?

Shrugging it off much to tired to care, you made your way down the stairs grabbing two Advil and a full cup of water, smirking to yourself at the emptiness of the area.

"Happy birthday." You murmured, tipping the glass up to no one and swallowing the pills.

And may the next be better than the last.

The writing of Anti’s thoughts:

Let her forget, Let me return

Return to your real life

Enter into the world of gossip and grades and lovers; Of video games and tests and birthdays

And I’ll Return

To Mine of BLOOD and TEARS

Hope you enjoyed! Tell me what you think! Wuv you all!! <3

[wildchildfreecs]

Me and some friends came up with a Really Awful (GREAT) au, where things hurt and Gon turns dark side. I’m posting the partially edited chat log instead of summarizing ‘cause I’m lazy af, but this will be added to my Verse’s list. I just have to think of a tag

If you’re interested in RPing something from this sorta AU, please hit me up, I’d absolutely love to.

gabriel the gondad - gon is the PERFECT example of someone who could have ended up REally, REAALLLY dark but didnt, out of sheer luck of his upbringing 

can -  yeah, and if he went to hisoka for training oh my gosh

Café con Leche -  ^^ OMG i'd love to read that

can - the poor boy would do a 180

gabriel the gondad -  c h r i s t please? ? ? henckin??? ohhh man fucknign please i LOVE hisoka corrupting gons morals i love gons morals being corrupted but i love hisoka doing it even more chefs kiss and Poor Killua watching his light turn black and ugly

Café con Leche - omg yes it would corrupt him so much cain what if he tries to kill Hisoka

can - and that would make killua go back to his family

gabriel the gondad -  O h h h h

can -  omg

gabriel the gondad -  oh this is good

can -  WHAT IF HE CORRUPTS GON SO MUCH THAT

Café con Leche -  OH MY GOS

can -  GON STANDS IN BETWEEN THEM TO PROTECT HISOKA

gabriel the gondad - DFDF

Café con Leche - WHAT IF

gabriel the gondad -  GUCK

Café con Leche -  YES BUT ALSO lISTEN what if Hisoka completely fucks killua up And Gon walks in and just looks at him

gabriel the gondad - and doesnt care

Café con Leche -  all bloody on the ground YES

can -  YESSS

gabriel the gondad -  "You did this to yourself, Killua."

Café con Leche -  And Killua weeps and reaches out for him

gabriel the gondad - and gon Leaves

can -  And then cue illumi like "see this is why i said assassins dont have friends"

Café con Leche -  Illumi saves him

gabriel the gondad -  C H RI ST

Café con Leche -  and Killua goes back home clad in darkness AND OMG WHAT IF FUCKING ALLUKA TRIES TO PERSUADE GON

gabriel the gondad -  C H R I S T ALLUKA NO oh o h n o what if killua makes a wish

Café con Leche -  OOOH oh my god what if his wish brings Gon back but gon realizes what he's done

gabriel the gondad -  gon still REmembers and he wont forgive himself

Café con Leche -  and he can bear to live with himself BUT he has to save killua

gabriel the gondad -  ooooooooo c hrist c h r i s t the Drama the Pain I Love It

Café con Leche -  and hisoka and illu just keeps trying to keep tem corrupted them* and gon sees killua again and killua is just ice cold, dead in the eyes

gabriel the gondad -  WHAT IF.... KILLUA.. yes Y E S

Café con Leche -  and gon knows its all his fault it's like kite all over again f uck

can -  and hisoka is like, "this is why you shouldn't put your faith in other people~ only live for yourself and your own pleasures"

Café con Leche -  Hisoka whispering in Gon's ear how it's all his fault and he should just accept it

gabriel the gondad - this is,, So Good im eating my own fist OK BUT LISTEN CONSIDER hisoka telling gon "this is your fault. this is why you should live for only yourself" and gon turns around and punches hisoka in the face with as much nen as he can muster and says "if i live for myself, I'm killing you first." bc hisokas the one. that did this to him

can -  hisoka would be LIVID And all hisoka has to say once Gon is dead is "Pity~ He wasn't nearly as ripe as I'd hoped. Such a waste."    

Café con Leche - Imagine if killua just watches Gon and Hisoka    slowly but surely once he sees Gon near death he's returning to some of his consciousness and he cant live without his light and Illumi fucking loses it

gabriel the gondad -  c h r i s t ohhh my god

Café con Leche -  illumi tries to kill hisoka gabriel the gondad - im Suffering ok but illumi would win b/c hisoka would already be injured from his fight w gon

can -  Hisoka would retreat after that he aint dumb

Café con Leche -  illumi would chase after him

gabriel the gondad -  illumi wouldnt fuckn Let Him

Café con Leche -  make it his life mission to kill him jesus this got dark

gabriel the gondad -  YOU DONT SAY

Café con Leche -  imagine Ging seeing his son so messed up

gabriel the gondad -  o h IMAGINE MITO

Café con Leche -  mito would blame ging it's his fault he wanted to be a hunter his fault he wasnt there for him

gabriel the gondad -  ffffffffuuuuuck ok but, where gon doesnt die he beats hisoka in his fight

can -  "Kill me, and you'll be just like me~"

gabriel the gondad -  and he takes killua with him, and they leave, and they go to ging, and gon says "please help me, i dont know what to do any more" gon doesnt kill him hes Very Particuar about that breaks both his legs, rips an arm off, whatever it takes but doesnt Kill him illumi can have that right, if he wants it

Boopi -  oh

gabriel the gondad -  HI BOOPI WEVE BEEN. PLOTTING

Boopi -  plotting about wut- e.e

gabriel the gondad -  plotting about corruption

Boopi -  corruption- i- see- exiTS

gabriel the gondad -  BOOPI NO COME B A C K

Boopi -  corruption and alluka can not be within the same conversatioN-

gabriel the gondad -  listen alluka is the one who fixes everything shes still pure and wholesome

Boopi -  okay so what i understand is gon is all dark and moody and killua is suffering more gon x hisoka new evil double duo illumi and killua bonding and alluka flies down from the heavens as an angel to fix everything and re-create killugon

gabriel the gondad - she tries to recreate killugon but you cant erase the past so its still all fucked up and moody

Boopi -  does trying make it w orse cause what a twist

gabriel the gondad -  i meannnn,,,, define worse

Boopi -  dang is this au that dark

gabriel the gondad -  :^)

Boopi -  if everyone is gonna be dark/angst/whatever this is i am perfectly okey with this sad/wise alluka ftw

gabriel the gondad -  if by worse you mean it hurts, because one of the possibilies is gon and killua die but also the possibilty they win the fight against hisoka and have to deal with the fallout of all their decisions and wrongdoings or would worse be they never speak again, and both continue along their paths of killing and being perfect imitations of hisoka and illumi

Boopi -  omg allu's stuck in-between

gabriel the gondad -  :^) i, personally, think that killua would make a wish to fix everything but nanikas power isnt omnipotent all she can do is get gon to realize where he fucked up and from there, its up to him to try and fix it (whether or not he can is a completely different story.)

Boopi -  okay so how would alluka act with everything's different? shouldn't she be affected by it too

gabriel the gondad -  THATS. ALSO SOMETHIN I WAS WORRIED ABOUT

can -  i mean

Boopi -  maybe not nanika, but allu

can -  she probably will lose her brother and get locked up again

Café con Leche -  AND KILLUA DOESNT CARE AAAAAAAAAAAAH

gabriel the gondad -  yeah, unless she escapes she'll prob get locked up again

Boopi -  if killua doesn't care then illumi is free to do whatever

gabriel the gondad -  id say its possible that,, killua does what he can to free her so he can still have one light in the world like, before he goes back to the family, he hides alluka away  

can -  if killua calls her something bad like

Boopi -  "it"

can -  "that thing isnt apart of the family"

Café con Leche -  Illumi: So Killua, what do we do with "it"? Killua: .. Do whatever u want jesus but yes i hear u gabe¨

Boopi -  can you even imagine a dark alluka

gabriel the gondad -  n o

Café con Leche -  ALLUKA

gabriel the gondad -  not my gentle sweet sunshine

can -  y es

gabriel the gondad -  n o N   O

Café con Leche -  gets corrupted cuz she loses HER light

can -  she will giggle when she kills ppl

Boopi -  just an alluka that's lost hope and enjoys the killing

Café con Leche -  omg omg boopi what if Alluka get's corrupted and starts killing because she wants to be useful to Killua

Boopi -  alluka or nanika? or both

Café con Leche -  both

Boopi -  bOTH

Café con Leche -  Alluka tells Nanika to kill people and then asks Killua to pat her head aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Boopi -  just imagine Alluka's holding [insert character name]'s head here "Killua... Pat my head and tell me I'm a good girl..." and she just creepily smiles while walking towards him with the head casually omg i srry

Café con Leche -  omg what if one day she's like "Killua... Want Gon to die?"

gabriel the gondad -  O H

Boopi -  cHILL wi dark alluka refers to herself like she's an object t h o

can -  O H M Y GOD

Café con Leche -  ......... oh my go d

can -  "I'm an object that you can use, big brother~"

gabriel the gondad -  this got a w f u l l y dark

Boopi -  "Do not worry over my feelings, big brother. I feel nothing. It feels nothing." geebus christ

Café con Leche -  imagine kurapika's roll in this

gabriel the gondad -  O H pika watching gon turn into the exact type of person he despises just like the troupe trained by an ex-troupe member killing for sport, just to get stronger, just to prove he can kill them

Café con Leche -  oMG

gabriel the gondad -  OH WHAT IF.... HISOKA..... TELLS.... GON.... TO... kill his old friends

Café con Leche -  kp is a maffia boss right.... What if Killua get's a mission to assassinate him..

Boopi -  nO not the friends pls

gabriel the gondad -  LSTIEN GON KILLING LEORIO

Boopi -  NU

can -  AAAAAAAA

Café con Leche -  yas

Boopi -  NOT THE OREO

gabriel the gondad - walks Right Up to leorio, nen out and boiling like it was with pitou and oreo, poor oreo, laughing, trying to understand whats wrong

Café con Leche -  Gabe gabe gabe even worse he crushes his hands, makes him unable to ever become a doctor

gabriel the gondad -  hmmm good angst, but also, i feel like, gons goal would be to Remove leorio as a tie

Café con Leche - Sasuke style

gabriel the gondad -  i never watched shippuden :0

Boopi - sasuke tried to sever all his old bonds i think

gabriel the gondad -  yeah basically that kill everyone who was important to you,  so they cant be used against you gon, punching a hole through leorios ribcage, becase he doesnt have killuas technique of ripping the heart out so he just obliterates it instead leorio dying and looking up at gon and saying "i forgive you”

Boopi - stop you're hurting me

gabriel the gondad -  leorio WOULD forgive him tho this got really out of hand, really fast

[lycanrox]

response to aidens post lol

Thanks for forcing me into a relationship and making me fall for you because of your temporary affection if-Tearing me apart internally when I KNEW I was not good enough, when I KNEW we were not going to last because you always had someone better. You gave me false hope and tore me up and used my body just for you to help you out. gonna copy nd paste then post my response ok cool

-Guilt trip and gaslight when you thought I was going to get with someone else, people making compliments towards me got you into a rage fit. You never apologized for always getting pissed when I never did shit and you take compliments all the time. 

i never tried to guilt trip. i told you many times its ok to get with someone else. you literally dated someone else and i was ok with it. it wasnt compliments i was upset over, you literally had people saying they were in love with you. thats really weird to me. i was scared to be abandoned. people dont compliment me, all i have is my boyfriend and my qpp. maybe my close friends compliment me but its not a big deal. did i freak out over ur friends calling u daddy and shit? why should u get upset over people doing that to me?

-Manipulating everyone to know only your side, ignoring my sincere apologies, calling them bullshit, ignoring the fact that I never did those things again and told you to call me out. You barely did, but I did always stop when you told me to.

literally i already said. He sat there with me as youd text me and fight with me. you went to Her, my fp, to complain about me without telling her my side. everyone who ive talked to has seen all of it. i give people my phone and let them read everything since even before we broke up. im not scared to show my side. 

-Controlling me, telling me to do everything and give you love all the time and you literally did that all the time. “I hate myself I want to die”, was that not manipulation, when I always try to comfort you? But, you pushed me away and said you never asked. I was extremely supportive in your times of misery and self harm, what have you ever done for me?

how did i control you? i didnt tell you to do shit. saying “love me” as a joke isnt controlling. i wanted attention, god forbid. you do the same to me. “i hate myself i want to die” is literally just me self loathing, how is that manipulation??? i was venting to you because i trust you. i appreciated the comfort but yes i never wanted help. help is not what i want, i dont want to be in the hospital, i dont want to be put on new meds, i dont want a support group i just want to feel less alone.

-Calling me abusive for literally nothing, for “months” I have apparently abused you when A) I never fucking harmed you, a gentle push I guess which I thoroughly apologized for, but nah it’s all bullshit according to you and B) You have done manipulative and abusive things to me like: Forcing me to do things with you, making me have to kiss you within the first 5 days because you were so sad, trying to talk sexually to me when I was not ready but I got into it because that is what YOU wanted, exhausting my limits to how much you wanted from me, expecting me to love on you and care for you when you are always talking about how many feelings you have for someone else, putting me into a poly relationship without my consent the second time, always having some shit to complain about because I cannot be perfect, pinning me against my friends, and the list goes on.

if like 10 different people are calling you abusive its probably true, dude. you did harm me. you ignored the fact i literally said you punched me. you never apologized for that. i was fucking upset over it and you just sat there and watchd me tear up and curl in a ball. you tried to fucking excuse yourself for it. “I deal with things irrationally, I live in a family that physically hits each other, and it was a blur I cannot just stop and think. I did not blame him for being scared? I said it isn’t my fault and it doesn’t mean I havent gone through things either.” literal quote from you. “...it was aggressive but gentle...” another literal quote. 

i never forced you to. in fact it was always you texting me about how horny you are, you made an nsfw blog so i could see the shit you put on there, you were the first person to make sexual advances. i told you i get sex repulsed sometimes and you apparently dont even remember that because at least 3 times a week you talked to me about being horny and what was i supposed to do? you would be at my house and tell me how much you wanted to fuck, you said literally “i cant wait for after-prom sex” and i didnt let you stay the night because of that. you were the one who always wanted sex. i never forced you to do anything, you were the one who touched me without consent. i didnt make you kiss me. before we were even dating you talked about kissing me all the time. you asked me to teach you how to kiss, so yeah like .. 5 days after we started dating you spent the night and we kissed like 3 times. it wasnt that big of a deal. you asked for it. the first time we sexually talked all i said was i wanted to give you hickeys and you asked to sext, so we did. 

poly relationship w/o consent? when we first started dating i was already dating oliver. when we broke up, again, i was dating oliver so when you ASKED ME OUT again you knew i was still with them. no force. when did i ever pin you against your friends? the only person i ever said shit abt was p**** because he was getting too obsessive when you were uncomfy, and you encouraged me to do that.

-You made me believe that all I was ever doing was WRONG, and I have told you that five trillion times, and you never did anything to help that. I know I was not wrong for trying to be supportive even though I was triggered to death, but you made me feel like I was a fucking nuisance in your life.

how??? i did everything i could to tell you how great of a boyfriend you were. i told you every day how much i loved you. how perfect you were. i didnt do shit, you were the one who made me feel like shit every day because i wasnt physically or mentally able to suit your romantic needs. 

-Blaming me for all your damn mistakes, I got defensive because it was never me, blaming me for being paranoid when you did things and hinted at things to provoke that, and your paranoia was never apologized for either. Even in the beginning, I apologized for being paranoid and it took a long ass time for that to come back because you are so unpredictable and you were never clear with any of the things you said. 

yes i admit i have trouble owning up to my own mistakes. im sorry that i blamed you for things. you dont deserve that. im mature enough to own up and apologize for that. i dont know what i did to make you paranoid but im sorry that that happened. i am unpredictable. i know. yikes at me

-Vaguely saying you did some things wrong too but hiding behind your illnesses as well, not even asking me what you could have done better. You want the cold hard truth? You are getting it. Yes, I was supportive of what you had and I guess I am ableist for trying to help you to change. I WAS SO ABLEIST for wanting the absolute bare minimum. You already said we were just becoming friends at that stage, and the fact of the matter is, you hurt the shit out of me.

i try not to hide behind my illnesses but i really cant help some things because of my illnesses. i tried asking what i could do. i tried doing what you wanted. you are ableist tbqh because i told you i COULDNT DO THE THINGS YOU WANTED but you pushed me every day to fucking do it and when i broke down and apoligzed for not being able to do it you made me feel like ABSOLUTE SHIT!!! i was the worst bf ever bc i cant do some romantic things sometimes!!!!! yikes im so problematic for being disabled!!

-You become avoidant to self harm and don’t fucking apologize for pushing people away. You always told me you were here for me when I needed help but you never actually listened to me. I never jumped straight into things, sorry if you believe that. I always said I was feeling terrible and you decided to expand.

i dont have to apologize for pushing people away if its whats best for me mentally. i am 100% sure in that. i always ask whats wrong because i care about you but when i dont know what youre going to say its a 50/50 chance ill get triggered and if im triggered i cant really think properly!! i get flashbacks and anxiety attacks when i see even specfic words. ive told you before its not great to depend on me for that stuff. that im always here for you but im here to listen, not to help. i cant help myself, how can i help you?

-Saying you were fine all the time, lying to me when something was wrong, I always had to find out from someone else about what you have done.

wow yikes i didnt tell you when i felt shitty because i didnt want to trigger you. yikes because i dont want your help or advice sometimes. i want people to listen but you never JSUT listen you have some styff to say and while some ppl like that i dont!! i dont like being told how to think or feel or what to do

-Abusing your medications and getting high when I first broke up with you, saying you got dumped, implying you didn’t deserve it when you never deserved me. I spent over $200 dollars on your boyfriend’s medical bills, but I am careless and unkind I suppose.

i was already abusing my medications :-/ i never called you careless or unkind but ok

-Tearing me apart internally when I KNEW I was not good enough, when I KNEW we were not going to last because you always had someone better. You gave me false hope and tore me up and used my body just for you to help you out.

what did i ever do to make you feel not good enough lol. not do the things i said before i cant do? i didnt use your body, not once not ever. dont even start that shit. you know my history of rape and sexual abuse. what the actual fuck. 

-Again, since you cannot get it through your selfish mind, you never owned up for ANYTHING you have done, and guess what? I only do what people do to me. So, you treating me bad, I tried to forgive you and become collected, but you pushed me to where I thought I was stuck in the relationship. Why? Because if I left, you would become suicidal, if you left, you would want to come back immediately.

i tried owning up to things and ive apologized for many things i shouldnt have had to. tbqh ive wanted to break up since like.. right after prom bc the way you were being so i wouldnt have been suicidal if you left. yeah i wouldve been upset if i left because its hard for me to detach myself from people

You have no idea what you did, you have no idea what you were doing.

lol u rite

People defending your disgusting actions are no better than you are, you only exclude what you have done to make yourself seem innocent. 

people excusing you for hitting me and sexually abusing me and manipulating and gaslighting me are worse than people supporting me. i was maybe bad to you to combat myself from you hurting me!! i dont want to fucking get hurt again so when you do something shitty i have to do something shitty in return! 

Thanks for forcing me into a relationship and making me fall for you because of your temporary affection 

you asked me out both times. 

I asked you all the damn time if you wanted space, but you said “No, it’s fine,” when you damn well knew it wasn’t. Why are you such a blatant liar?

i didnt want to hurt you by leaving you alone.

Oh and also, when you “broke up” with your boyfriend of two years for me, but always texting endearing things to them when we were together, how cute of you to do that.

we did break up. yeah i fucking missed them though. its hard for me to detach. but i wasnt seeing them behind your back. you know very well it was sho who was dating oliver, not me. i text them endearing things because theyre my fp/dp and i love them. 

anything abusive ive done i literally didnt mean to do. youre the one whos just now pushing all this shit on me. dont accuse me of being abusive when you didnt tell me when these things made you upset. i didnt fucking know. i cant read minds. i cant do any of that shit. i also dont have empathy and cant think of other peoples emotions so its hard for me to think about how/if my actions are affecting people, unless they fuckign tell me. which you didnt. instead, you just told me how fucking shitty i was. i was an awful boyfriend, im using you, im cheating, im not good enough, i cant satisfy you. i guess i was so bad you just had to start dating that other guy, and as you said, because “he can give you things i cannot give”. jeez im so FUCKING sorry.