#im going to cry over this in the morning ;-;
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thinking about Julie going into hibernation, but also how she was participating in winter activities and was at the Homewarming party.
obv an in-universe excuse is writing inconsistency within the show but nahh. i wanna get sad.
My headcanon is that Julie begins hibernation after the Homewarming party. Right after. And later in the evening it turns into a different party, Julie's Goodnight Party (name in progress).
It's fun, because any party with this rainbow monster's name in it is gonna be fun! but there's an underlying somberness. They eat, play games and talk about everything and anything like the Homewarming party, but it just feels different.
(continues below, sad warning bc I made myself sad)
When Julie starts getting sleepy, the party ends with her neighbors giving their farewells, goodnights, and big hugs.
Frank is the one to walk her home, of course. He brushes Julie's hair, makes sure her and her nest has everything she needs, and stays with her as she falls asleep. But not before they share a big, comforting, long hug filled with every unspoken "I'll miss you" and every ounce of love they can pour into it.
It's the longest Frank has ever hugged anybody. "A hug long enough to get him through winter," according to Julie.
He wished that were true.
Either way he smiles, he smiles for Julie as it's the last expression she sees before finally closing her eyes to sleep.
The tears that later soaked into his pillow are the only secret Frank's ever kept from his best friend.
#After taking Eddie home this past holiday Frank nearly missed Julie going home. He got there right as she was about to leave#He had stayed with Eddie until he fell asleep knowing he'd wake up in the morning.#Before he stayed with Julie until she fell asleep knowing she'd wake up in the spring.#Man i am. So emotional over this#julie hibernating is insane. and must be insanely hard on frank#frank really doesn't like winter#but maybe in the future he'll have a certain mailman's shoulder to cry on#and getting through winter wont seem so hard#imagine if you didn't read the post and are sitting down here like 'what this dude on about'#read my sad rambles and maybe you'd know! /silly#welcome home#julie joyful#frank frankly#homewarming#welcome home headcanons#headcanon#typing out loud#Julie's Hibernation Edition#this all came to mind bc im thinking about the Hurricane thats gonna steal my electricity tmrw#it got me thinking about blizzards#and what the neighbors would do in a blizzard. and what about Julie? what if they can't reach her?#i was thinking frank has Barnaby and Howdy move her and her nest into his guest room#just for the storm. she goes back home afterwards even if he wanted her to stay#welp.. i need to do laundry while i have power still sooo#that's all folks!#oh and ignore typos hehe
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hello there honey i really enjoyed your analysis on sukuna and yujis relationship they're so overlooked by the vast majority of the fandom despite being the mcs and it makes me happy some of us appreciate their dynamic i might be unsatisfied with geges overall handling of the story and how it took so long to really focus on these two but he wrote them very compelling despite everything. it makes me frustrated because it could've been even more of a punch if we didn't focus so much on everything else and i adore some characters but it came at the expense of not doing enough with his mcs which even if some people don't want them to be its still yuji and sukuna.
anyhow a small little detail i wanted to point out about 265 is yuji up to that point had been treating and referring to sukuna as a curse, but while in his domain while they're fishing he baits him by saying "cant the strongest sorcerer do this?" and its baiting him obvs and hitting at his ego but he still referred to him as a sorcerer and he's the only one to do so to my knowledge everyone else including himself refers to him as the king of curses, something that he was seen as by everyone since the heian era, a curse, and that he still believes he is right to 268. i really wanted gege to expand on why yuji sympathies with him, we can deduce why and it he clearly does but i wanted to see his exact thoughts what changed, maybe he found out by gojo about his family when he talked to him and realized sukuna was his relative? i mean there's more reasons why he sympathized with him clearly as you very well pointed out in your post but still this is why im dissatisfied with the writing they could've explained it better.
what are your thoughts? i hope we get to focus on yuji at least in the next chapters or im going to lose it. do you have any hope that sukuna ended up accepting yujis offer? i think the scene ended abruptly... i want them back together its so frustrating and while it fits and i can see gege leaving it like that it just doesn't feel right to me
hi, jenjen!! (do you mind if i call you that?)
thank you so much for reading that mess of a post. i had a lot of sukuita feels and just spilled my thoughts in one entire go. it's sad that they're so overlooked because they're unironically the best thing about jjk. like yeah there's a lot of cool characters in jjk but sukuna is literally a god of chaos and devastation that somehow got stuck in the body of an unhinged teenager who would sacrifice his own life for strangers.
they're two different extremes trapped within the same body, but as the story goes on we see they're a lot more similar than they first appear. like yin and yang, the two extremes that often oppose each other but are also inseparably complimentary to each other. there is soooooo much to explore with that dynamic, and i'm forever heartbroken we didn't get to have more focus on these two because they are honestly amazing.
anyhow a small little detail i wanted to point out about 265 is yuji up to that point had been treating and referring to sukuna as a curse, but while in his domain while they're fishing he baits him by saying "cant the strongest sorcerer do this?" and its baiting him obvs and hitting at his ego but he still referred to him as a sorcerer and he's the only one to do so to my knowledge everyone else including himself refers to him as the king of curses, something that he was seen as by everyone since the heian era, a curse, and that he still believes he is right to 268.
your point about that one scene in 265 is so goooood <3
as you said, up until that point yuuji had only been referring to sukuna as a curse, even though that's not technically true. but to yuuji, sukuna is more of a curse than some curses are. this is part of my theory that yuuji is the only one that sees right through sukuna. almost everyone else admires sukuna or only sees him as something to test their strength against.
yuuji is the only one who actually hates sukuna. yuuji even wants to destroy him because he knows sukuna is a murdering, cannibalizing force of death and devastation. and sukuna hates yuuji because the brat represents everything that goes against sukuna's cursed and selfish nature.
they both stand for everything the other hates, yet it's so interesting that they somehow understand each other better than anyone else does. (more on that later >.<)
what i really love about this scene is yuuji's teasing nature. he's not being mocking or sarcastic. he's both stroking sukuna's ego and, with light playfulness, is giving him a kind of recognition (as a sorcerer, not a curse) that nobody else has. you were completely right with that, jenjen.
and it's just so sudden that it happens. actually, everything about this chapter was so sudden and unexpected.
the fact that sukuna is willfully going along with all of this when he would strike down and destroy people for daring to even order him about (like nanako and mimiko). yet he indulges yuuji over and over again.
yuuji is literally telling sukuna what to do, but sukuna doesn't even reprimand him. actually, he pays attention to yuuji. (also i love how everything is always so "special case" and "different" with them like that don't even know how they arrived in yuuji's little mind palace and sukuna looks freaked out about it but he still listens to yuuji, he still does whatever yuuji asks him to... that's truly amazing.)
this scene in particular was really interesting to me. as you pointed out earlier yuuji only ever referred to sukuna as a curse and treated him like one, too. during his conversation with mahito, yuuji says that his purpose in all this is to just kill curses, sukuna especially, as that's the end goal of everything yuuji did.
yet here yuuji is, decidedly not killing sukuna and instead giving the king of courses his entire life story. yuuji's being the most open and vulnerable about himself than he's ever been, and it's all for the infamous king of curses who cares only for himself, the enemy yuuji hates and wants to see destroyed.
yet the way sukuna remains uncharacteristically quieter through all of it, looking like he's honestly reflecting or considering what yuuji just said, and how he gives this meaningful pause after yuuji describes how empty the town he was raised in became. yuuji says he expected it to be that way and sukuna looks almost thoughtful about that.
something similar happens a little bit later on when yuuji's talking about how there's a smaller amount of insects now than when he was younger.
what i noticed about both of these moments is that yuuji is talking about changes that happened for him. changes in the place he was raised and changes in the life he used to see more of that he doesn't now.
sukuna isn't affected by change. he's the strongest, he does whatever pleases him and doesn't care about anyone but himself. but yuuji cares about these little things, these changes that affect him, these small details that stay in his memory. that's such a contrast to sukuna's mindset, which is that every human tastes fleeting. and here yuuji is, sharing his memories about these tiny things with sukuna, these "tastes" that have stuck with him. because it's little details like yuuji losing his slime toy or drinking sweet milk tea when it snows that makes him who he is as a person. but does sukuna have any kind of memories like these? anything that connects him to being human like yuuji? maybe that is why yuuji is showing sukuna all these everyday normal things. he knows sukuna doesn't have memories like this, so maybe showing him yuuji's own might trigger something in him, something deep down. he wanted sukuna to open up with him too, maybe.
all of this is such a strong contrast to how other sorcerers and curses treat sukuna. they only approach him with the intent to try to overpower him or maybe to try to gain his favor. yuuji isn't doing anything like that. he isn't bargaining or making violent demands. there's no fighting. it's the most tender they have been with each other so far. (sukuna not killing yuuji the moment that brat asked him to do anything is sukuna being tender imo... he would have crushed anyone else for daring to do such a thing.)
it's just... it's so fascinating how yuuji hated sukuna for being so inhuman before, but now he's suddenly treating sukuna like he is human. he's acknowledging that sukuna was human even if the king of curses doesn't want to be seen as that anymore. and it's beautifully complex and should have been explored far deeper.
i really wanted gege to expand on why yuji sympathies with him, we can deduce why and it he clearly does but i wanted to see his exact thoughts what changed, maybe he found out by gojo about his family when he talked to him and realized sukuna was his relative? i mean there's more reasons why he sympathized with him clearly as you very well pointed out in your post but still this is why im dissatisfied with the writing they could've explained it better.
i am right with you on this one, too. chapter 265 was almost like a dream for me. jjk is hardly romantic at all. even a lot of other action manga includes at least a little romantic subplot... yet the most romantic scenes we get in this series are these date-like interactions between sukuna and yuuji, who supposedly hate each other, yet i guess they're out there doing archery together??
(sukuna getting another perfect archery shot just to impress his demanding little boyfriend <3 i love how serious he looks here, too, he's really playing up that coolness factor)
you also made another great point about how yuuji suddenly took a lot more emotional interest in sukuna now than he did before. i wonder if that conversation yuuji had before gojo died was about sukuna being related to yuuji? maybe part of him lit up on the inside because he actually has family, even if it's the murderous demon god that wants to destroy him and everything that he loves? or maybe he felt some kind of closeness while sukuna was inside of him that he misses now?
i really wish that we got more scenes like this with these two. i want to understand yuuji's thought process for trying to reason with sukuna and to maybe even get him to open up, too.
it's sad that gege took so long to focus on these two again. there were so many more interactions we could have had, so many more meaningful insights into both of their characters.
but this chapter did a lot all in one take.
i said earlier that sukuna and yuuji understand each other really well, and i believe that's true because not only are they the only ones who spent so much time being soul-crushingly close to one another, they also get under each other's skin far more than anyone else does. sukuna loves to torment yuuji because he knows just how caring and compassionate yuuji is. he rubs it in that he killed thousands of people during the shibuya arc and that he possessed the body of yuuji's friend. but yuuji also knows just how to rile up sukuna and he fights sukuna hard, he never gives up, and i think sukuna secretly admires that about yuuji.
and this chapter showed us how they understand each other yet again.
this conversation, to me, shows two very important things. one is that, despite already feeling it's a lost cause, yuuji still tries to convince sukuna to accept the mercy he's showing him, to understand yuuji's perspective as well. but sukuna's response to this is more layered than it first seems, in my opinions.
as we've seen, sukuna uses a lot of backhanded insults and contradicting statements with yuuji. he simultaneously calls the brat weak and uninteresting, but is disappointed when yuuji lost against choso (sukuna was paying a suspicious amount of interest during that fight scene for someone who considers yuuji to be so worthless) and looks reluctantly impressed or even surprised at yuuji's abilities.
yet when anyone else gives sukuna a hard time or challenge, sukuna shows them respect or even gives them praise. he does no such thing with yuuji, at all. in fact, all he does is mock and discredit yuuji, so sometimes the actual words he uses is a roundabout way he's actually acknowledging yuuji getting under his skin. and i think his words here, "i'm astounded at how spineless you are," can be taken as a form of that reluctant and contradicting acknowledgment.
even if sukuna doesn't accept what yuuji is saying, i think he knows yuuji is being sincere. he has to feel like he's guarded against it though, so he easily dismisses yuuji, and that's why my second important thing from this conversation is how yuuji still doesn't give up.
sukuna knows yuuji can kill him. he's getting back up into a corner now. but instead of going in for any kind of demands, yuuji is giving sukuna mercy. a second chance. a choice.
even though he knows sukuna refuses to see things yuuji's away, to accept yuuji's ideals of valuing life, he still offers a chance at mercy for sukuna.
sukuna, who has deliberately proved over and over again that he doesn't deserve mercy or empathy, and yuuji understands this. he accepts that sukuna is unsympathetic and a monster.
even when sukuna is dying, yuuji shows him that mercifulness once more. he's far more gentle and compassionate to him than sukuna deserves.
the fact that he still wants to live with sukuna. either a longing for family or the closeness they once shared when yuuji was his vessel or both. he genuinely cares about sukuna. and i think sukuna knows that.
so that's why it's another insult to undermine yuuji's efforts and empathy when sukuna says this offer is yuuji just "acting the fool" when i think he knows truly that yuuji wouldn't be so unserious about such a big thing.
but one thing that hit me hard is how sukuna calls the brat by his full name this time. something he has never done before. just like yuuji called him a sorcerer that one time too. it's like sukuna's admitting deep down he was touched, but he just can't accept yuuji's mercy. that would kill his persona, his reputation as the king of curses. it would make him more human. and he refuses to be anything but inhuman.
the original japanese had quotes around "curse" and that was important for a reason. sukuna wanted to be seen only as a curse would be seen.
as gojo said. love is the greatest curse of all. and sukuna is the king of curses. so it's very fitting indeed that sukuna died in the hands of perhaps the one person who ever really saw him, or understood him, or loved him.
thank you for your ask btw, jenjenpup. i really loved reading your thoughts on this. thanks for bearing with me on all my rabid rants about these two. i hope i answered your ask well enough.
so glad to have you in the sukuita cult, too <3
#this was rushed so there are many grammar and writing errors are there#it's really late rn so i don't have the energy to edit this mess im sorry#but tysm for taking the time to send me an ask#you gave me some really good insight!#honey posts#asks#sukuita#sukuna ryomen#itadori yuuji#meta#they make me sick with how much i loved them#im dying bc i wanted so much for them to have had more interactions together#i really wish chapter 265 was 10x longer and explored so much more between them#im going to cry over this in the morning ;-;
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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It's not fit to go cry over not being a real boy it's fi4 to go cry about possibly having COVID and having to cancel a week's worth of plans because you're a decent person and understand that just because covids been around for a while doesn't mean it's any better and you watched your mum get hospitalized for almost a week because of it <3
#vent#i fucking hate covid#nah i actually dont care you're uneducated if you think covid 'isnt that bad' and '#and 'like a cold'#oh can a cold make completely unrelated chronic illnesses worse and almost always end up with me having such a bad chest i can barely breath#and end up coighing up gunk every fucking morning for weeks and always end up short of breath for months.#i didnt think so ^^#but yeah fucking great over a weeks worth or happiness fucking ruined#yay now i probably cant see my gf or go to this comic shop or have one of my best friends over to show them this show i like#what the fuck im going to cry again istg
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHG
#feeling like ive been run over by a lorry#partly cause i woke up this morning after a horrific nightmare#so i tried to be nice to myself and sort of just keep going with my day#and then i feel so shit after doing a bit of studying that my arms start to stop working#and my brain feels like its melting#and im like ooh those are warning signs right#that means i need to take a break and do some self care#so i go into my siblings room and try and do some work there#and then it doesnt work cause i just cant concentrate and im shutting down#then i realise im on my period#so then i have a 2 hour nap#and now ive eaten something and drank something and taken paracetamol and have a heatpad and am not alone#so we're getting towards better 👍#maybe ill try and do some maths or maybe ill do something else to make me feel better#i want to cry and possibly explode#but its fiiiiine#anyway#rambles#cult rambles#tw vent#vent post
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ohhhh my god im going to fucking throw up thinking again about the scene where sawashiro almost lopping off ichi's pinky parallels the scene from earlier where arakawa's mom threatens him with scissors
#snap chats#IM GOING TO BE FUCKING SICK !!!!!!!!!#i havent mentioned it before. or if i did its been A Hot Minute but god i think of it a lot#sorry i was just having my morning Arakawa Family In Retrospect thinking and im going to throw up#AND IT WAS OVER MONEY TOO. and the topic of insufficient income was brought up.. fuuuuccckk YOOOOU#triggering myself rewatching the scenes just to validate my points and im going to be even MORE sick#its the way both ichi/arakawa glare at sawashiro/his mother and then getting reprimanded for it. via sharp implement#and the way arakawa interrupts sawashiro and ichi like how his dad had to step in between him and his mom Shut UP#jesus. arakawa wasnt even confrontational bout it like that either bro just walked in on it#his life is a flat circle And What If. I Threw Up.#i thought of translatin this concept via a comic buuuuuttttt </3 no time </3#or energy tbh#im tempted to at the very least make comparative gif sets for these scenes... its so important i point them out....#anyways wow !!!! i love the arakawa family !!!!!!! youre all fucked !!!!!! <- crying#i love the arakawa family because it's so easy to see each member as a protagonist of their own stories#which No Duh Everyones A Protagonist In A Way but it's just espsecially easy to dig into the arakawas' perspectives and feelings#theyre ALL so interesting in how they think and react and the possibility of how theyre thinking and feeling in situations#like im so invested to want to know their perspectives because there's always extra layers to them and its fascinating..#the arakawas are just so intertwined .....
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does everything suck or is it just me being over dramatic
#The sk trauma deniers (myself are fighting a hard battle (against myself also)#Me when life altering events alter my life: 😰#Vague venting because everything sucks and my shoulder blades feel weird and I miss him#And I miss the way life used to be and I miss being happy and I miss being safe#And I miss a lot of things and I hate a lot of things and I miss a lot of things that I hate#Struggling and I feel like there’s a lot of things I’m feeling that I don’t acknowledge out of the subconscious#(Example: very upsetting part of my dream in which I saw my ex. Clear as day. It was so awful I wanted to cry)#Everything sucks im going to sleep and maybe feel better in the morning for a little and then collapse into tears again#Killing myself party is back on actually. I miss the person I was I miss my sister I miss my family#Everything is different now and I wish what happened never happened even if I refuse to acknowledge it happened sometimes#I just miss. A lot. I wish I could just shut off all of this#Vent#I’m fine just tired and feel like everything is crashing …..and I’ve been thinking about one thing my dad said#“Not to encourage your little relationship” ?????? I have never felt more like shit#I know I haven’t given a reason for my parents to like the people I’ve dated but the one time I date a guy who is genuinely so kind#And they’ve been hearing about him for over a year and they’ve even met him they still don’t want to trust me#It’s utterly awful that I feel like I’m improving for him rather than for my family#I should want to improve for both. But it’s so demotivating. I do it for him#Ugh….vent over I hate this shit
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I will be forever grateful i can be on this new med. it's one a lot of folks also need and can struggle to have access to! It's important i be on it, especially if i start doing any vid collabs
(some of which, really, all of which, i unfortunately actually need to cancel that were in the preplanning stages, bc the election results have me wanting to wait and see how the general atmosphere of the country is before i agree to meet up with anyone. I feel bad for cancelling, but also i just can't know for sure how safe things are/might be going forward and I'd rather avoid the potential of. ya know. various not great things that could happen at a meet up, tho i would certainly hope they wouldn't. i don't feel like actually addressing them rn, u guys know what i mean)
That said, if the truvada initial side effects could fuck off asap would be so lovely. three weeks at worst, then they should be gone/much better or so i am told. really hope that's true bc losing my mornings to being dizzy and nauseous is Not Working for me lmao. im on week two, and now understand why my new doc said to call if i needed any 'cheerleading' and support to get thru the side effects, bc apparently she's done that for several ppl to make sure they actually make it thru the three weeks and keep on it (lovely of her!!)
#text post#not going to get into the other painful smack of this morning#suffice to say that medicaid does not in fact fully cover vocal therapy/training for trans ppl#even if ur docs feel incredibly certain it is#if i was making a decent bit over minimum wage at consistent hours and already had my current debts paid off mostly#then I'd happily consider paying the chunk Medicaid won't cover but as of now#it would literally be basically two paychecks if not three to cover the estimate for this first visit#and that's only if the poll would have us polling every week like we did before the election#otherwise we're guesstimating it would be upwards of 4 paychecks to cover it#I'm actually gonna get into in here bc nobody reads all my tag essays (fair valid and correct)#im really sad abt this. my voice gets me clocked a lot and while i can mostly handle like. visually being clocked#my voice giving me away genuinely makes me feel a pain in my chest. i can't get my customer service voice to go lower yet#and even if it's my usual voice I've made minimal progress on my own self done vocal study stuff#so like. no one knows how high it was compared to how it is now tho so no one actually hears it as anything near deep#which it isn't but like. there's been a slightly barely there drop of it per at least a couple ppl in my life#i was probably going to be able to learn how to sing again and find my new range. I'd fix my customer service voice#even if it would only ever be a teeny bit lower than how it is now. it would be lovely#im not gonna get too down tho bc someday hopefully I'll be able to make it happen/afford it#and for now...im doing the bad thing of not cancelling the appt yet#i will bc they're booking out for months and it isn't right of me to take a spot i know i can't keep#but. let me pretend i can for another day or two. maybe until monday. then I'll call or msg them on mychart#and let them know i just don't have the funds rn tho i do deeply appreciate that Medicaid at least pays part of it#im just not at a point where i can cover the rest but that I'll reschedule/have a new referral sent whenever that changes#...and hopefully things in this country will be of such a state that such care is still available to ppl like me.#but that's all we're saying on that bc im already having a pathetic little cry over this#(im fine the med side effects have me crying over everything lol i see a sad commercial and Instant Tears like someone died lmaooo)
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Me, the other night: "I may be going through a fuck of a life situation, but it could always be worse if I broke a flower pot in the shower again."
Me, today, waking up with a swollen and painful mouth infection:
#im in too much pain to find a better react#im so fucking tired#when will life stop throwing me multiple curveballs?? i dont even know how to juggle!!#im just getting hit in the face with each curveball. and it feels like it today too holy shit#im in the middle of teeth alignments for treating my tmj pain idk how im gonna go thru another root canal#my first root canal was only preceeded by hot/cold sensitivity. it never got swollen or hot#im so exhausted man. at least the regular dentist can see me today and hopefully give me antibiotics#im on immunosuppressants so i was crying this morning like damn im gonna have to go to the er for this i wont survive the weekend#im so upset tho it took me forever to fill my last prescription. so dont jinx it but i might still need to keep that er plan on hold#the good thing ab that tho is my back mri is tomorrow which is at the local er so i can do the mri and walk right over if needed#i just dont understand how this could happen i brush and floss after everything i eat or drink (so at least 3 times a day. thoroughly.)#bad genetics and stress strikes again i guess#vent#Cori.exe#Post.exe#god and i spent the last 2 days stress picking my face too so i look ROUGH right now#everything sucks lol#its right over where my wisdom tooth would have been too so like. way back there. im gonna be drinking soup for weeks#rip coris jaw. never had a chance
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Man this is the first birthday I've sat alone in my room and sobbed on
#this fucking sucks#my dad called me to say happy birthday and i started crying because i got so bummed out#he was going to come up and visit and we had to postpone because i got covid#and then 20 other things went wrong already this morning#and im sick and exhausted and sad#and then i got dizzy while walking the dog im pet sitting#and i got stuck behind bikers taking up the whole lane#and then behind a pickup truck full of mulch going 20 under#and i had to cancel my birthday party#and my mom is at the beach without me spending time with her racist loser boyfriend and bragging about it to our family#and this was supposed to be the year i finally did something for myself on my birthday like it was supposed to be different this year#and im alone in my room#tired and sweaty and sad and lonely and miserable and sick and awful#and i just want to hibernate until this is over
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#so ive been crying since 5:30am#ive had to cancel my meetings today bc i cant face people#im literally trying to save up all my will power to be able to make it through class tonight#but i just can get over whats just happened#the next few years will break me i know it#ill make sure i persevere but its gonna hurt and its going to be hard#im worried about my grandparents who rely on medicare to survive and get their medication#im worried about my trans and queer friends#im stressed about the threats about the cuts to the board of education#if its gone i loose my ability to finish school#I /rely/ on those loans like it or not#how am i supposed to face my younger sister who dreams of going to school knowing she might not get the same chance bc loans are gone#how am i supposed to watch my little cousin with adhd and autism lose his iep#how am i supposed to live with myself knowing the right to my own body is threatened at every turn#how am i supposed to be able to look both my parents in the eyes ever again and not hold their votes against them#today i let myself morn my hopes i had yesterday#tomorrow i build new hopes for the people i love and those that will be effected by this coming administration#thank god my next therapy appt ended up being schedule for this fri#anyway thanks for reading if you did#i love all of you <3 and i know we can make it through together no matter how tough
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its so weird to like, spend time w friends all the time? like the realisation thay I'm living what 16 yr old me craved is so weird
#i might cry#just realised I'm going out like out out and having actual fun#and then going over to the same friends house the next morning for brunch#and seeing them a lot#and genuinely wanting to be around people#just enjoying their company even when im tired#its so fucking weird#but good but smth I can't recognize at all n its kinda scary#but in a idm bc im happy rn kinda way#kyle.txt
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I think the worst part of this lingering cough is how fucking poorly it mixes with my chronic nosebleeds smh shit has me in these awful feedback loops where all the coughing triggers a nosebleed and then the lack of breathing from the nosebleed makes the coughing worse which makes the nosebleed worse and so on and so on
#just spent like ten minutes bent over a sink hacking and bleeding with tears streaming down my face lol#like yeah it sucked but also i felt like i was in a movie it was so dramatic lol#tears were just a consequence of the coughing btw!! im too annoyed when it happens to cry over it lol#random coughing induced nosebleeds are SO not fair btw#i haven’t gotten this much blood on my clothes since i was like 10 smh#also coughing getting worse when you try to sleep is literally a devil concept like wtf#do this to me at like noon or smth#like you’re making me go through this at 3am??? literally insane#like girl i had to move the cat off my legs to go bleed and cough for ten minutes??#at THREE IN THE MORNING???#absurd#im suing#idk who but it’ll happen#cw blood mention
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being moved to a different classroom for my last week while the head of the program pretends she's doing me a favor but she's really doing my supervisor a favor 🙃
#she said she wanted me not to feel bad and be in a bad situation#but im p sure she did it bc my supervisor was up in the office talking shit ant me again this morning#she was acting all nice but 🤨#she's not nice soooo#also she didn't even follow up when i mentioned safety concerns for the kids when she asked why i was leaving#and she didn't ask me to stay#she did seem sympathetic but idk my co teacher thinks it was a favor to our supervisor to keep her happy#bc thry still think she walks on water#im so worried for the kids but it should be less stressful in t2#also the teacher i swapped with today saw me two hours later and she was like: girl i get it 💀💀💀#lmao#so sad for the kids tho#but excited abt new opportunities#but i did want to have the time to say goodbye to the kids#its probably better to transition them this way bc they'll still see me a little bit the last week but not all day#and get used to me not always being there#so they won't care as much when i'm completely gone the week after 😭#but they were crying at thebgate between the playgrounds today and it was really hard#i was holding finn's hand over the gate 🥺#then we combined classes for the end of the day on the playground and that was like 10 minutes before i went home#so they got happy for a bit then broke down again when i said goodbye 😭#teddy was screaming at the door the whole time after i left 😭#i watched thru the classroom window while the other teachers were consoling them and it was so sad 💔#i've only had one cry when i went home before but this time it was half of them#bc they barely saw me all day then i left as soon as they thought i was going to stay#anyway#i have a job interview tomorrow and surgery#and maybe a second job interview#trying to focus on that rn#still glad i'm quitting but 💔
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dude ough im so jealous of trans kids that can actually come out of the closet to their families and even extended families, i think i'd rather actually fly into the sun than tell my dad i'm trans
#he would disown me so fucking fast man#probably at least idk#he'd be MEGA pissy at me forever and always and never take anything i say seriously or as a genuine opinion ever again at the very least#grrr i wish i had trans positive family#my stepmom is trans positive im p sure (she told me one morning about this really cool nb person she met at work and ig they quit soon-#-after but she wouldve loved to actually talk to them and stuff she said) i just would never in my life be able to come out while my dad-#-lives in this house FBGHBDHFGBHDA#ough im thinking too much. bedtime before i start crying over this#xanchats#xanvents#??#kinda. sure we'll go with it
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bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏
#i did get thr laundry done didnt fold it didnt take a shower#so thatll hopefuly be tmrw#i hope im able to do an activity with somebody tmrw.... the kids will be back at school so umm. no risk of weeman asking for my laptop in#the morning. or maybe me n lamp could play aa... idk#i feel like such a loser i go 1 day without bothering my family and im like wahhh im lonely. Can you shut up ..... we r better than this.#but wtvr. thats also a mean thought and i shouldnt be idolizing the way i lived last year. We were taking spongebaths and eating#1 bowl of soup a day crying ourselves to sleep every night and literally going weeks on end wo talking to our loved ones. so why am i like#We need to go back ! well i know why its bc i cant just let myself heal and move on bc of my stupid complex#and tbf i was very efficient back then. i ws able to do my spongebaths at least every 3 days and i did my laundry every week right on#schedule and i had a job....all it took was literally not being a person in any meaningful way FJFNGJGN. idk#it was very simple. its still very simple perhaps simpler (#no job) but instead i just feel guilty i guess. sbt everything#which i ws doing last year but again i was too out of it to rly dwell. i just cried at work a lot abt it#but now its like. i dont have a job to go to to focus on. my interests/hobbies can only distract me for a few days maximum b4 they become#nothing 2 me. and then im just back in limbo again and it feels pointless#and even when its a 'good' phase of something actually keeping me distracted from everything its like. not. all it does is ruin my sleep#schedule again yk. ik im literally the timeloop guy so u think id loveee Everyday being exactly the same over and over and over but well i#dont. bc they arent actually the same day theyre just reminders that everything does keep fucking going but im stuck. which is the opposite#of what i want. and what id have if the beautiful timeloop would simply rescue me. wtvr tho.... she doesnt even know i exist 😥#little joke. IDK. like i said its better ig than having a truly miserable day but. man. i wish everything was better#i ws gonna say like it used to be but. yk. ive been depressed since i was like 7 its not like. idk. i wish i was born different and i wish#my head worked and i wish none of it had evrr happened. but itis ok. i cant think of a funny cutesy alternative to put here so we will just#say nothing. yay
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