#im going on pain modulators

[thexie-and-stars]

chat turns out I have fibromyalgia

[stormyrainyday]

this entire year has been flop after flop why am i losing so bad your honor i am literally just some guy

[nevess]

[ don’t leave me here alone… don’t go where i can’t follow! ] -j. r. r. tolkien

🌱… description: Its been years since you last saw Anakin, still you could not help but nurture the glimpse of hope within you that kept saying the man you loved was not entirely gone. He was not Darth Vader.

🍵 … warnings: lightsaber fight, not very explicit tho. Hearthbreaking feelings ngl

��� … character/s: Darth Vader/Anakin Skywalker x Reader

☕️ … word count: around 1k ; | date: October 9th, 2023

🗞️ back to the main menu

a/n: Disclaimer: I looked at it to see if it had inconsistencies, but its almost the same as I wrote it in the draft, so i apologize for any typos :p In other news, im looking for beta readerssss here's the post!

The tension hung heavy in the air as you faced him, the man you loved appeared to be long gone. His helmeted face concealed any trace of the person you once knew, and his voice, distorted by the modulator, carried a tone of bitterness and anger.

"Why, (Y/N)?" he hissed, his red lightsaber humming menacingly. Hearing the sound of your name coming out of his mouth and being distorted by his helmet made you shiver. "Why did you betray me? Why are you with him?" Vader’s voice dripped with a searing sense of betrayal as he spoke, as if every word carried the weight of a love now shattered and a trust irreparably broken. His tone quivered with the pain of feeling abandoned and let down by someone he had once held so close to his heart.

Your heart ached at his words, and you struggled to find the right response. "Anakin, I didn't betray you," you pleaded, your voice trembling. "I never wanted any of this. I just want you to come back to me."

Anakin's breathing was heavy, and his anger seemed to boil over. "You and Obi-Wan," he spat, his words laced with venom. "He turned you against me. Obi-wan couldn't stand knowing that I was more powerful than him, he was jealous—and now you." In all your years of knowing him, you had never heard him refer to you like that. “

“He couldn't stand to see me happy, to see me achieve what I've worked so hard for. I can't let anyone destroy it." 

Tears welled up in your eyes as you took in the heartbreaking reality of the situation. Anakin believed you had turned against him, that you were working to thwart his plans. He couldn't bear the thought of you being on the opposite side, and his desperation had driven him to this point.

A tragedy was unfolding before your eyes as you felt responsible for the total destruction of the love of your life. You watched in despair as Anakin, the man you had cherished and believed in, had been driven to this point of desperation and darkness. It was as though the very essence of the love you had once shared was being consumed by the overwhelming power of the dark side, leaving you with a deep and profound sense of loss that threatened to shatter your very soul. 

Before you could say another word, Anakin lunged at you, his red lightsaber swinging with deadly intent. Reluctantly, you ignited your own lightsaber, the green blade crackling to life. The clash of lightsabers marked the beginning of a battle neither of you had ever wanted, but one that had become inevitable. Each clash of lightsabers felt like another painful blow to your heart, a cruel reminder of what had been and what was now slipping away, seemingly beyond your reach.

As the battle unfolded, your heart was torn between love and sorrow, anger and regret. You fought not just for your life but for the man you had once known, hoping against hope that there was still a chance to bring him back from the abyss.

You couldn't help but remember the days when the two of you had fought side by side as Jedi, when love had blossomed between you. But now, that love seemed like a distant memory, overshadowed by the darkness that consumed him.

Without a word, Darth Vader lunged at you, his crimson blade slashing through the air. Instinct took over once again as a clash of lightsabers filled the space around you, the sound a painful reminder of the divide that now separated you.

As you parried his strikes, you couldn't help but see glimpses of the man you once knew, intuitively you could sense part of him was still fighting against the influences of the dark side. The eyes that had once gazed at you with love and warmth now held only a cold, distant fire beneath the black helmet. Your heart ached as you fought, refusing to believe that the Anakin you loved was entirely gone.

The battle raged on, and with each strike you tried to reach him, to call out to the part of him that had once been good, but your words fell on deaf ears. He was consumed by an indelible feeling that overwhelmed even the quietest parts of his being, an echo that seemed to never stop, and it seemed that nothing could bring him back.

But you couldn't give up, not now, not when you have him in front of you. With every swing of your lightsaber, you held onto a glimmer of hope, a belief that there was still a chance to save him. The battle was fierce and heart-wrenching, a tragic dance of two souls torn apart by the forces of destiny.

In the end, it was Anakin who delivered the final blow, his red blade cutting through your defenses, but it was not a deadly cut; you knew he did that on purpose. As you fell to the ground, gasping for breath, you looked up at him one last time, tears in your eyes.

"Anakin, please," you whispered, your voice filled with love and desperation. "You could come back to me. We all miss you," you say softly while trying to stay calm. The cut on the skin of your leg definitely burned agonizingly. But having him in front of you, with tears flooding your cheeks, you had to make him see reason. Your voice trembles with emotion. "It's okay you made the wrong choices; we'll take you back."

Anakin's eyes, hidden behind his menacing mask, seem to flicker with a hint of conflict. "I'll only hurt you again," he responds, his voice tinged with regret.

It was a cry for help, an agonizing plea that he no longer wanted to inflict pain on others. Seeing you on the ground had inadvertently triggered an internal alarm within him. He had harmed the woman he loved, the woman he had envisioned building a future with, the one with whom he had hoped to grow old.

Tears threaten to spill from your eyes once again, but you swallow hard, determined to reach him. "We'll keep a better eye on it," you insist, desperation seeping into your tone. "We'll learn to live with things, and communicate it all this time."

If this were a movie, the most tense and guilt-ridden soundtrack would undoubtedly be playing in the background. Yet, it wasn't necessary to hear the music to feel the overwhelming weight of remorse and desperation that hung in the air, palpable even through the Force. Anakin awoke from a deep, dark slumber that had consumed him for years, as the realization of what he had become, and what he had done to the love of his life, flooded over him like a tidal wave of anguish and regret. 

For a moment, it seems as if the darkness in Anakin is wavering. You can sense the turmoil within him, the battle between the Sith Lord and the Jedi he used to be. But will your words be enough to bring him back from the brink of darkness?

© Nevess 2023. My original posts are not allowed to be edited, translated and/or re-uploaded on another account or platform without my permission, nevertheless, re-blogs are accepted and very appreciated.

[hillbillyoracle]

Androgynous/Masc Leaning Capsule Wardrobe Ideas

In honor of International Nonbinary People’s Day, I offer you the clothing advice I wish I had like 15 years ago. I prefer a small well curated wardrobe but it is so tough to pull that off as a nonbinary genderfluid person. I spent years struggling to make my capsule wardrobe work for me. Every example I saw was either with feminine clothes or with the world blandest men’s clothing. 

For reference, I’m AFAB and live in Kentucky - very hot and muggy in summers, can get quite cold (-20 F) in winter but it’s usually mild with highs are in the 30F-40F range most days. This is the advice I’d give my younger self if I could. 

Focus on 10-15 Core Items

While I am fluid, I consistently spend most of my time “inbetween” these days. Having a neutral to masc learning main wardrobe with some feminine items to mix in wound up working best for me. So here’s the masc leaning base wardrobe I recommend. 

~3 x Button Ups - I went with short sleeve Hawaiian shirts for myself because I love bold patterns. You can find a lot of Hawaiian shirt these days that don’t have stereotypical “island” patterns on them while still being pretty light and breathable in summer. If your style leans more classic, consider oxford cloth button ups. You might need more button ups if you work in a business casual setting. 

~3 x Tees - I like graphic tees, specifically hand screen printed ones so that’s what I go with. But if your style is more classic then consider investing in some good quality solid color tees. 

~3 x Casual Tops - for me this is a tank top, turtleneck, and a Henley. But you might consider a collarless button ups, plain long sleeve shirts, and ringer style long sleeve shirts. 

~3 Pants - for me, I have black and stone washed denim since those are my favorites. I look for tapered fits over skinny or boot leg where I can. I have one pair that’s a jogger style I quite like. You might look for chinos or khakis if you have a more formal dress code at work but they’ll still work with graphic tees and other tops if you style them right. 

~3 x Layers - for me this is a cardigan, a flannel, and a hoodie. You might consider v neck or crew neck sweaters, cable knit sweaters, and fair isle sweaters as well. 

Feminine Clothing Module

What’s nice about this approach is that you can then create a feminine clothing module that plays nicely with your main wardrobe. 

For me this looks like

1-2 Dresses - I have a maxi tee dress and a long sleeved linen dress since that works more for everyday wear for me. 

1-2 Skirts - I don’t have any presently but the next big feminine swing I have I’ll be ordering a nice linen skirt in my favorite color. 

1-2 Casual Tops - I don’t have any presently after my last big wardrobe edit but business casual shell tops, camisoles, and cowl neck tops work well here. 

1-2 Layers - I have a linen blazer in a women’s cut and a long striped duster. You might consider a kimono style shrug/wraps, sweaters in a more feminine cut, and women’s cardigans

You don’t need a lot here because so much of the main wardrobe can be mixed with a feminine element or two and it becomes much more feminine - especially if you’re AFAB but even if you’re AMAB. It doesn’t take a lot a feminine clothing to make an over all outfit look more feminine and subtle touches work just as well as more overt styles ime.

Sizing

Sizing is tricky as hell. I’m plus size (size 18-20 in women’s pants) and especially trying to find masculine stuff with the right fit is a pain. I really recommend going in to try things on if you’re able but if not get comfortable with the idea you will likely need to send things back. Yes you can take measurements but those measurements are still listed with different proportions in mind. 

For men’s clothes I lean toward a slightly oversized fit - as most men I’m around do. For women’s clothes, I lean toward a slightly tight fit - as most women I’m around do. Look at the people around you and see which fits they lean toward and opt for that where you’re able to for yourself. 

Shoes, Outwear, Special Occasions

Shoes - I tend to opt to go neutral in my shoes and outerwear. Not in color or pattern mind you but gender. For shoes, I currently have 3 pairs - a pair of crocs (with spikes), running shoes/sneakers (old Champion brand slip ons), and a pair of Doc Martens. These are good options if you’re AMAB too because the sizing is unisex or available in similar styles for men and women. Other good options are Vans, Chucks, any hippie sandal brand you can think of. “Nicer” shoes are great but often pretty gendered. I lean toward getting “nicer shoes” that are opposite my assigned gender when I do grab them. 

Outerwear - I also tend to opt for gender neutral options for outerwear too. Since it doesn’t get terribly cold here, I stick to a micropuff jacket from North Face and layer a black denim jacket over it when it gets cold. When I wear it with masc stuff, blends in. When I wear it with feminine stuff, it adds a slight edge I like. Pea coats are decent options as well. If you live some place real cold, a lot of the long winter coats are basically the same between genders, just different fits. 

Special Occasions - I would recommend not worrying about special occasions until or unless they come up. I have the same two “special occasion” dresses that I’ve been using for years because they come up so rarely and I can’t bare to spend too much money on something I’ll wear maybe once or twice a year. Formal wear is highly gendered and if you learn androgynous it’s a tough needle to thread. For those events with hosts you know, it’s worth reaching out to them to see what they think makes an outfit “formal” - could be nicer cuts or materials, could be rigid gender norms - can’t know until you ask. 

For most special occasions, I do not know the host, so I default very structured looks in accordance with my assigned gender. Still feels a bit edgy but no ones gonna have the guts to say it’s wrong. For AMAB folks you might do the inverse, more flowy looks and colors while still adhering to your assigned gender. All depends on the level of familiarity you have with the hosts and the flack you’re willing to catch. 

Outfits

Some masc leaning outfit ideas: 

button up, hoodie, pants, boots

graphic tee, flannel or cardigan, pants, sneakers

turtleneck, pants, boat shoes

button up, tie, cardigan, pants, chelsea boots

Some fem leaning outfit ideas: 

button up, cardigan, skirt, sneakers

shell top, wrap, pants, sandals

graphic tee, skirt, sneakers

dress, sandals

Conclusion

Hope this was helpful to someone out there! 

[sunshowersanddandelionwine]

YOU ASKED AND YOU SHALL RECIEVE

(this is going to be Long so prepare yourself XD)

Murderbot Diaries:

I have no idea if you've ever read the murderbot diaries books by martha wells (which, if you havent and have any sort of interest in science fiction PLEASE READ THEM THEYRE SO FUN) but the character of secunit is SO ghost coded its not even funny

for those unaware: secunit is short for security unit, which in the world of murderbot are partially artificial and partially human constructs created as cheap labor. secunits are considered property rather than people, despite being totally sentient. they are not, however, autonomous. secunits have a thing called a "governor module" that will essentially fry their brains if they do anything to go against the company/their client's orders. secunits can be repaired and reissued to new clients, so the whole thing is just super fucked up

anyway, back to the au. ghost, like murderbot, manages to disable his governor module somehow and is able to act completely autonomously. however, he's been so Fucked Up by you know... being a secunit, that he doesnt exactly know how to be autonomous or his own person, so he just. Doesnt. and he continues to protect clients as they come up, doing his best to hide the fact that hes able to act freely.

enter the 141 survey crew, who are his latest group of clients that hes been tasked with protecting. its a much smaller group than he's used to, only seven members compared to dozens and dozens, but that means he's the only secunit sent along which is for the better tbh. the members of the survey include laswell, price, gaz, soap, farah, alex, and roach.

for once in ghost's life, he's not treated as a looming threat or an inanimate object, but an actual person with thoughts and opinions of his own. and he Does Not Like This At All.

at least, not at first. but he finds his walls start getting eroded by these idiotic humans and their idiotic tendencies to make the worst possible choices. (especially a certain engineer with a taste for explosive materials, but thats neither here nor their)

of course, something has to go wrong, as it always does. there are two other survey teams on the planet - kortac and shadow company. and according to a message sent by one of them (not sure which yet lmao), something is hunting them.

and soon, the 141 is going to be hunted to

im trying not to directly copy the plot of all systems red (the first murderbot novella) so yeah!

Muzzled:

this is going under the read more because its getting too long lmao

cw for mild mouth trauma and general blood/violence

SO this one is fun.

ghost is still part of the 141, alongside gaz and price. he's a werewolf (obviously XD) and somehow, a mark gets the drop on him while he's shifted into his full wolf form

he wakes up in a tiny iron cage in a dank basement, with a burning pain across his snout, jaw, and neck. his captors managed to muzzle and collar him with pure silver, keeping him as weak and docile as possible. hes still fucking dangerous as shit, but this way they can at least handle him.

his captors, a group of hunter/poachers, have a shitton of other supernaturals trapped in the basement with him. they come down to gloat, and with them is a strange man. he doesnt talk smack like the others. he moreso tries to blend into the shadows and disappear. but ghost cant tear his eyes away from the bright blue eyes lurking in the darkness. or the thick iron band locked around his throat.

the man is clearly inhuman, but he cant - or wont - speak. hes tasked with taking care of the "feral wolf" (ghost) for the duration of his stay. from the precise wording of the orders, ghost knows exactly what the man in.

fair folk. something powerful, too, given the iron bands around his wrists as well.

days of ghost plotting his escape pass, and ghost and the fae start to come to some sort of wordless alliance. they take care of each other as best they can from their relative cages, finding solace in each other that they cant find anywhere else.

something happens later down the line, maybe gaz and price are getting to close to the operations, but the poachers decide that its time to cut their losses and skip town. they order the fae to "take care of the wolf". ghost's heart drops, because he knows that a fae cant disobey an order given by the keeper of their true name.

but in the poachers' haste to get things wrapped up, they made a mistake. they left the order unclear and open ended.

and the fair folk always take notice of loopholes.

the fae unlocks ghost's cage and releases him from the silver. ghost, rather than just go up and slaughter the entire organization himself, decides to be extra and lets loose every single other creature trapped down there with him. they all go and massacre the ring, but ghost doesnt. because the fae collapsed on the floor of the basement, dropping his glamour in the process. and the sight is grisly.

he's skin and bones, barely any muscle or fat on him at all. the iron ring around his neck and the iron bands around his wrists hang loose, showing the thick rings of scar tissue on pale skin. but the worst is his mouth.

coarse, rough thread seals his mouth shut, the wounds red and angry and irritated. locking the fae's strongest weapon away, keeping him firmly under the whims of his captors. he may have had the freedom of movement that ghost lacked, but he was as much a prisoner here as the rest.

ghost somehow manages to get them all out safe, and he finally gets the fae's name. his true name. not the silly little nickname he gave him in his head while watching him clean the basement day in and day out (soap).

for the first time in months, simon and johnny speak to one another.

there you go, hope you enjoyed! @bl-nk-sp-ce

[sukunasboytoy]

typed this up after watching the movie on opening n i was gonna keep it in the drafts for abt a week before posting it but ppl r talking abt it so im gonna go ahead n post it now !

‼️ cw: alien romulus spoilers ‼️

there is so much to be said abt andy im not even kidding theres so many conversations that can be had they include:

the black chara thats the emotional support for a white chara (andys whole thing is that he tells bad puns to rain to cheer her up - his one n only reason for existence is the do wtvr is best for rain is his literally a black chara that exists to prop up n support a white chara)

white feminism/white tears (how rain centers her own pain over the pain she caused andy, rain victimizes herself n openly argues w andy for turning on her n aligning himself w wy even tho she left him first - ofc they work thru this at the end but yk)

i rlly feel like andy has feelings for rain but hes been ‘brother zoned’ n his line abt ‘u can finally see me as a adult’ is what solidified that for me but i do think a mix of ableism n racism r at play there (black man being infantilized by the white woman he has feelings for bc of his blackness n mental (programming???) disability)

white savorism - inb4 rain ran back to andy at the end of the movie andy depended on rain for survival (needing help to fend off attackers at the start of the movie, rain constantly stepped in n defended andy against the anti-synth bigot which could be read as a metaphor for racism here, but its rain using her privilege as a flesh person (again metaphor for racism n ableism here) to constantly save andy that props her up as the Good Person even tho shes willing to use n abandon him)

andy doesnt rlly have any agency- he does what he feels whats best for rain (black chara used to prop up white chara) gets his agency overridden (by another white chara rook n mu/th/ur) n then makes the switch back to supporting rain (sure he chooses to let rain take the module out but yk plot convenience- they need the black man to sacrifice his life to save the white woman)

like dont get me wrong its great to have a black n disabled chara on screen n its great that he gets to be morally ambiguous (my personal fave) n i like that andy n rain have a complicated messy relationship n they hurt each other (like ppl do) but yk … hard not to notice some of this stuff yk

n i do think its on purpose bc synths r seen as not human/subhuman in the same way poc n neurodivergent ppl r (esp for his lack of empathy n emotions) hes viewed as inherently dangerous (like men of color r viewed as being innately violent n aggressive n mentally ill ppl r seen as violent n unpredictable)

rains decision to leave him behind bc hes “not rlly human bc he doesnt actually feel” is a good metaphor n representation for how poc r used as stepping stones n viewed as not “real” ppl by white ppl n the same can be said for neurodivergent ppl esp mentally disabled ppl rain seems to be fulfilled by andy needing her but is willing to leave him behind the moment including him becomes a hinder ace to her (n ofc its fixed in the end- but i like synths being a more obvious metaphor for ppl who r dehumanized in society aliens have largely been a white cast franchise so taking the narrative of the bigotry that synths face in the universe n having that applied to a synth that is black n disabled is great n i rlly like that the bigotry is portrayed in those subtle ways on screen like andys lack of agency n being used as a literal prop for the white woman by literally existing to support her)

[chenswire]

Now that you said it I’m really curious about the foods in swummer files and voice lines now😳 not knowing Chinese is a pain sometimes.

copypasting this following paragraph from a writeup i did for a friend so it might sound a little more deranged than usual

in swummer's profile archive 4 they say the LGD officers will sometimes secretly(🤨) compare the difference between chen and swire's leadership styles in private; when following chen you have to yolo speedrun with her and will need half a day to recover from it while following swire requires you to multitask but in a controlled and not chaotic way and everything is very clearcut etc etc everyone generally agrees that they both 'seem to have 8 heads each, if i were in their shoes i would have been a goner after the first day' and it ends with rat king and wei two lungmen boomers drinking tea talking about the two of them too i was like ???? telenovela moment??? well not as crazy as the archive also saying that chen's desk was vacant (read: untouched and not taken over) for 2 years before swire tidied it up and put all the stuff into a box (read: not throwing them away) and labeling chen's (full) name on it (very normal about this meaningless detail)

Voice lines time

Talk 3

咳……检查了一下最近的行动记录，看得出这几年来，罗德岛的战术也更专业了，不错不错……哈？作为曾经的训练顾问看看任务记录不是很正常吗？我才没有偷看陈的资料！ Ahem...! I just checked your recent operation records, and it seems like Rhodes Island's tactics have significantly improved (lit: even more professional) in the past few years, not bad at all… HAH? Isn't it completely normal (CNT: Is there a problem) for a former instructor to be interested in this sort of thing? I-I didn't sneak a peek at Chen's data!

Talk after promotion 1

当上局长也没什么大不了的，无非是任务重了点、操心的事多了点，更能理解陈了点……啊，再强调一遍，我是接管近卫局，不是接陈的班！就算她现在回来，也是要叫我“长官”的！ Becoming the (department) Chief isn't that big of a deal. It's just that my work and responsibilities have increased by a little bit, and I can also understand Chen a little more... Ah! I'll say this again, I'm not taking over her position, but the entire LGD! So even if she comes back now, she'll have to call me Chief!

I like how she uses the same syntax? for all three, but I couldn't figure out how to word the [(noun) (verb) 少少] pattern succinctly in english AND keep the nuances lol skill issue... repeating 'a little bit more' thrice just sounds so wordy yea but anyway

the first two is 重 (heavier so a increase in both amount and importance) and 多 (more) but CNT has the last verb as 深(deeper) and also instead of 操心 its 烦 which is more like 'bother' than 'worry' aren't nuances great yippee

in her JP dub she says あのバカ龍 on the last chen mention while CN/CNT just uses the equivalent of 'her' instead of 仆街�� but understandable because the word is a little strong lmao but im taking the nuance of her using 而家返嚟 as opposed to 現在回來 as a W regardless (something like come home vs go back)

this line is also referenced in a 123 rhodes comic strip

she does call her 仆街龍 in her module when talking to Hoshiguma though i'm tell you

别看那个了， 快帮我分分礼物。这是给你的冲浪板，这是给臭老鼠的火山泥面膜，这是给扑街龙的唱片——等她回来自己拿吧，还有给老魏的水果罐头…… Stop looking at that thing already and help me sort out my souvenirs. This surfboard is for you, this lava mud mask is for that cau lau syu, this album is for that puuk gai lung—she can take this herself when she comes back, and there's the canned fruit for old Wei...

>>>>>>>>>>等她回来自己拿吧 a more literal TL would be like '(you can kinda fit a I'll/we'll in here..???Let's) wait for her to come back here to take it herself'

this and the box thing from her profile the 'waiting for her wife to return from the war' vibes is off the charts tehe still hoping we get an actual voiced Puuk Gai Lung (swire edition) one day though (looks at global)

[frogofalltime]

day 3

i woke up at midday, due to not going to bed until around 4:30am, but it's okay because i didn't have anything planned except for exam revision

unlike most days where i lie in bed on my phone for an extra hour or even longer after waking up, i got out of bed after only a few minutes !! i didn't even need to use the app that @etherealspacejelly recommended, although i will use it in the future if it becomes necessary.

i had breakfast (even though it was lunch time) and took my medication, then like yesterday i just sat there and did nothing for a while

i got dressed and listened to some music, then realised i was really hungry even though it had only been two hours since i last ate. but then i forgot to eat and just procrastinated for another hour before finally having lunch at 3:30pm because i was in so much pain from the extreme hunger lol

while i was eating my flatmate came in and started talking to me. normally i don't talk much to her because i am autistic and i can't speak to people who im not comfy around. but today i felt more laid back and confident ?? so we actually had a Real Conversation (she was talking about cooking and housework, and i joined in with her complaining about the patriarchy and sexism that is so common in our culture even though it has no root in islam, and stuff like that)

it's good that i'm having regular meals since starting my meds; i usually struggle to eat more than two meals a day, so i'm glad it's getting me to eat better.

then i procrastinated a bit more and finally went to the library to study because i was not getting anything done at home

when i got to the library (around 5:30pm) i was really hungry Again ?? so i ate a snack while revising a lecture, and then took a break before doing the next lecture, which took me like two hours because i kept getting bored and pausing it to message my friends or go on tumblr or whatever lmao. but i eventually got it done, i think being in the library is good because i can't go home until i finish my work, and i want to go home because it's kinda overstimulating in there, so i have motivation to do it.

i drank so so so much water at the library. these meds are making me hella thirsty. yeehaw

unfortunately the weird headache around my eyes was really bad today. it was bad yesterday too but today is worse. i remember this happened when i started antidepressants and then went away after a week or two so im hoping that it won't last long this time either. it's really annoying and adds to the overall feeling of restlessness and overstimulation.

i went home from the library (we are having a huge storm right now so i got completely soaked through in the rain and wind) and immediately got in the shower without procrastinating at all, probably because my clothes were wet and i was cold

then i made some dumplings and ate them with vegetables while watching a youtube video, procrastinated on tumblr again, and am now writing this post before i wash my dishes and go to bed.

overall i had a pretty good day, i finished all my revision for the module i struggle the most with, and i also felt really confident and happy with how i look ?? i had so much gender euphoria and stuff like that ?? which was really nice :D

i don't know if the meds are working yet or if i am just procrastinating less than usual because i am stressed about my exams (i have two this week and one the week after), but i'm glad to be actually getting stuff done for once !!

[odetojupiter]

this is absolutely random but I got caught up on your tag saying "I'm way too good at reading things that maybe aren't there" and listen. I don't know what you study (I remember you mentioning you take creative writing classes so??? sorry if you literally know this just trying to encourage you) but I study literature and in literary theory there's a lot of discussions about whether what the author wanted/meant/intended actually matters in interpretation and understanding literary works and well, a lot of theorists actually agree it doesn't so if you say it's there it's probably there, no matter if intentionally by the author, so ig please keep going off unapologetically we love to hear it

(also just in general, your analysis of the number three pretty much resonates a lot with Jacques Derrida's formal idea of deconstruction (basically tearing texts apart to the minute detail, and collecting and inter-connecting these details/words with associations of the reader to form a structure of meaning and it's all very abstract (a pain to learn during studies but cool to see in action!) so I just had to think about that)) yeah that's it have a great day

ahhh this is my first ever ask so thank u anon <333

and yeah, i did a joint honours english and creative writing degree (graduating in three weeks :/) and there were literary theory modules each year that were compulsory for single honours english students BUT because i was also in creative writing, i couldn’t actually take them bc they ran at the same time as my cw classes soooo all this to say that even tho i did study literature i wasn’t really able to study that much literary theory - tho of course theory is relevant in all lit modules but i didn’t take a class specifically for that. (i wanted to, cause i love that shit, but i wasn’t allowed) ((annoyingly in first year there was a module that covered not only advanced lit theory but also academic writing that i wasn’t able to take so i never learned how to write university essays? like that’s not inconvenient at all))

that being said, i’m of course familiar with the concept of intention vs interpretation mainly through barthes’ death of the author theory (and it comes up a lot in cw classes because in workshops people share every thought they have about your work and ur not allowed to defend urself!! cause ur intention doesn’t matter if someone interprets what you wrote a certain way!!!) and the thing is i get it, i do - and i love to analyse whatever i can, i tear things to shreds with no mind for intent - but i also know people outside of literary studies love to say shit just isn’t that deep.

im always watching and rewatching shows with one or two of my sisters and one of them especially makes fun of me a lot for analysing everything from the dialogue to delivery to lighting and staging and camera work because she thinks i get way too into it. she either stares at me blankly or tells me to shut up (which happens a lot it’s very annoying let me talk ffs) so i guess i mainly added that in the tags to ensure everyone knows that i know that i analyse a lot so hopefully no one feels the need to tell me?? i don’t know, i just get slightly self conscious about analysing things when i know i could be saying something slightly unhinged lmao.

but, i will of course, keep going off on here about aftg bc that’s what im here for lol (i got sad about not being able to share my thoughts anywhere)

oops forgot to say THANK YOU for reassuring me about my jean number 3 analysis i’m always thinking someone’s gonna say wtf r u on about mate 😭😭

[iviarellereads]

The Murderbot Diaries - Compulsory(1) (Wired Magazine)

(Curious what I'm doing here? Read this post! For the link index and a primer on The Murderbot Diaries, read this one! Like what you see? Send me a Ko-Fi.)

In which we go back in ti-i-ime.

First published in Wired in 2018, shortly after Exit Strategy, this prequel story is still free to read as it once was... with a note. Today, we cover the original version, and tomorrow, we'll be reading the expanded one that just came out through Subterranean Press for something like $1 as of time of writing, to compare and contrast, and if I remember after part 2 goes up, this text will be edited to a direct link. All aboard!

Murderbot's thought about killing humans since it hacked its governor module, but then it found the entertainment feeds. So, what's the hurry? It can kill them after this series ends.

And honestly, even the humans here think about killing each other. MB hates mines, everything to do with them,(2) but the humans hate mines even more. It predicts a 53% chance of a human-initiated massacre before the contract ends, then witnesses some name calling, and tracks that up a bit.

It's watching episode 44 of Sanctuary Moon while the humans talk about flow rates. One of them, Sekai, says SecUnits creep her out. MB can't argue that: even it doesn't like SecUnits. It doesn't react, though. Nearly all its attention is on its show, to the point that it misses the humans' actions until it hears a yell.

Running its recordings back, Asa knocked Sekai off the platform, seemingly accidentally. It tracks Sekai's fall, which looks painful. Because of where she lands, she's about 90 seconds away from dropping her in the collectors on the way to the incinerator.

You might think that rescuing her would be its job, but no. MB's job is to prevent workers from stealing company property, prevent workers from injuring or killing management, and prevent workers from harming one another. Rescue is up to safety bots.

HubSystem's alert tells it to stay in position. The nearest safety bot for rescue is 200 meters out, and will arrive just in time to retrieve a smoldering lump. Asa is horrified, Elane is sobbing. MB could ignore them, but it likes the human in peril on the show in this episode and doesn't want to watch her die yet, while Sekai is a human it's technically responsible for, and will be really dead sooner.

Having free will after so long under strict controls sometimes make MB do things it doesn't understand.(3) Before it thinks too hard about it, it jumps off the platform, landing next to Sekai. HubSystem tries to fry it via its governor module, but joke's on HubSystem.

MB tells Sekai to clip her harness to it, and as it climbs, it works on hacking HubSystem to show that the rescue was its idea. The supervisors are confused, but it all worked out. Better a fine for almost clogging the collectors than dead.

Elane makes to pull Sekai away, but she comes back and thanks MB. MB worries for a moment that she can see through its visor, and its performance drops 3% at the thought. Asa tells her SecUnits can't talk, but she says no, she heard it.

Back at my guard station, I started the episode again. Maybe somebody would save the colony solicitor’s bodyguard too.(4)

=====

(1) How do we think the title relates to the content? The novellas, so far, have been fairly straightforward. All Systems Red, like a classic red alert, everything is not good. Artificial Condition, a state that is made up and thus conditional and dependent on perception rather than reality, like the fear Tapan felt. Rogue Protocol, going rogue, or seeming to. Exit Strategy, needing to find the exit with Mensah. Compulsory, I think, is a fascinating turnabout on that, because it's not an obvious one to me. I think it calls back to the perceived dichotomy between its assigned behaviour (stay in place) and what it feels driven to do (save the human). It feels compelled to move, even though not-helping is literally the compulsory/assigned action. (2) How much do you think it remembered about the incident, when this is set? (3) I think it's only just starting to understand its impulses to help during the novellas, myself. (4) Do you think this was the first time Murderbot wanted to save a human consciously? Or, perhaps, the first time it started processing and learning good behaviour from its serials? Or, do you think this is just an ordinary day for it?

[theonetrueyeet]

spider ramble... particularly about false widows

in a Mood™ abt spiders currently, ESPECIALLY false widows. been going back over my arachnid section of the invertebrate module bc i have exams soon and its late and im frustrated abt how false widows get portrayed by the media and percieved by the british public... this is gonna be long and rambly and probably not make much sense and go off in a million and one diff directions sorry i just feel like talking abt spiders. this also came about bc of the big fuckoff house spider that was in my room last night on the top of my door frame but since it was late (like. midnight) and also out of my reach i went eh. ill deal with it in the morning. and then i woke up in the morning and no more spider to deal with! which i should be more stressed about i feel but im so exhausted from the run up to exams and other life stuff that im just like ok cool thats Around somewhere now ig. im guessing it was a female from the size but i cant be sure... anyway without further ado onto the main show.

so here in the uk we arent exactly known for our venomous animals. we have some but they're nothing really that dangerous (to us as humans at least. im not going into venom-prey specificity rn ive had ENOUGH of that recently). we have the european adder (which is also percieved as terrifying bc its a venomous snake but it poses very little risk to us as humans bc they are very shy and i have a lot to say abt adders but thats for another day), wasps, bees, some venomous fish (didnt know this until i found one rockpooling they r pretty neat), even some stinging jellyfish and siphonophores like the portuguese man o war. and then we have the spiders. all species of spider are venomous (minus the uloboridae family, aka the cribellate orb weavers which im not too sure off the top of my head if we have those in the uk... we might have one or two species?? idk but they arent venomous and i think theres another family that has some non venomous spiders BUT THE POINT IM MAKING IS PRETTY MUCH ALL SPIDERS ARE VENOMOUS). there are 650ish spp of spider in the uk and of those VERY FEW are at all medically significant. of these few are the rabbit hutch spider, the cupboard spider, and... the noble false widow. these 3 spiders are all known as false widow spiders. we also occasionally get the meditterreanean false widow, but to my knowledge these only arrive on imports and dont have a population within the uk.

belonging to the genus steatoda, false widows are usually seen as these terrifying death spiders that will kill you just for looking at them when really... they arent actually that dangerous. most cases of bites being severe are either a) a result of an allergy or b) it was actually caused by something other than the bite itself (such as a bacterial infection in the bite, or the "bite" not actually being a bite) or even c) greatly exaggerated by the tabloids (shocker)... like ok we dont have many scary animals in the uk but. we dont need to overexaggerate the ones that really arent as bad as people think! badgers probably pose more of a threat to you than a false widow does. have you seen a badger?! they look so cute but they are VICIOUS those things will FUCK YOU UP and give you TB on top of getting absolutely mauled. a false widow will, at most, just make you feel a bit ill for a couple of days. me personally i would take a falsie over the badger. false widows also only bite in defense! most of the time they bite because you didn't see them and happened to be a very big thing up in their personal space! tbh i would bite too

false widow bites are, to most people, no more harmful than a wasp sting. so its not exactly a fun time but its not exactly the limb destroying death bite that the british media loves to make it out to be. most bites are probably dry bites or have near neglible amounts of venom, so won't cause anything more than a bit of pain. when venom does get involved it gets a bit more complicated bc it depends on how ur body reacts to it. as i said before, most ppl its not much worse than a wasp sting but it can cause things like muscle spasms, sweating, and a raised temperature. it rarely gets worse than that. of course you can be allergic to it which will cause anaphylaxis which is a medical emergency, but this is an exceptional circumstance. most ppl bitten by a false widow will not experience that. the panic over false widows in the uk is a mixture of media-driven mass hysteria and arachnophobia.

anyway in conclusion shoutout brandon collier who did an amazing talk abt false widows during the bhs venom day both at the 2022 and 2023 events both of which i was lucky enough to attend. if i cant go to venom day this year you will see me on the news.

[listen-to-the-inner-walrus]

Re the mentrual products post - you have no reason to be ashamed of not realising the first time. I, on the other hand, with a BIOLOGY degree... Kicking myself. Definitely should have realised. I KNOW how much of a pain it is to work with blood from experience and I still reblogged the original one without really thinking about it. 🤦

if its any consolation, i spent about a month parroting the "your frontal lobe doesnt finish developing until youre 25" a few years back because everyone was just saying it so confidently that i was like,,, i must be wrong?? i know im completing a psychology degree where a professor literally called it a pop psychology myth, but everyone else is saying it so maybe im misremembering the lecture???

which is EXTRA embarrassing because one of the first studies i ever learned about in psychology is solomon aschs 1951 study on conformity where 75% of his participants gave an obviously incorrect answer at least once just because everyone else on the room did. and obviously the study had flaws and conformity as a topic is way more complex, but i really did just go well even though im pretty sure i know this is wrong, everyone else is saying it so guess im wrong

(less embarrassing though than the professor who ran my conflict psychology module who had both interviewed actual terrorists and parroted the 25-year-brain-development thing directly to me in one of the most confusing emails ive ever received)

the menstrual product post is like a honeypot for well-meaning misinformation spreading because its presented very confidently with what seems to be academic proof AND it broadly fits with something we already know is an issue, i.e. people with vaginas being underrepresented in medical studies and just having a worse quality of care overall. plus, it also fits with the issue of corporations often not caring about the actual quality of a product or the validity of the marketing.

[cyverrieee]

Hello hello my dear friend, its your friend koi here. if your requests are open can i request a gender-neutral reader where venti tries to comfort them since the reader is very tired with their homeworks? you don't have to do this if this is too much or too plain for you sob <3 -Koiwrites

A/n: Ok lemme see if i can do a request 💀

=================

T i r e d

Summary: you had too much work for your own good so someone helped you with your stressed

=================

Ah school.. everyones worst nightmare and probably another version of hell from what kids see it. but you were the same as them, academic lessons were okay but when it comes to modules and assignments you just bailed out, you honestly didnt care about your homework but.. for the sake of your family and your future you had to even though you dont wanna you still need. Somehow.. everytime you finished all of your homework another batch comes in, is this the pain of being in highschool? Yes do you wanna die because of it? Yes

Currently you are sitting in your room doing your assignments as usual, its tiring but its better to have it done than have it sit around and pile it. You sighed as you put your head on your study desk, you tiredly stared at your screen staring at your script for the important speech that your president ask since you were her vice president, you honestly dont know how you got your vice president role but.. you cant really turn it down, its picked by the school.. and it would be a shame if you turned it down when SO many people voted you.. so.. you cant really turn it down, even if you want to.. but.. its already done.

You stared at the papers infront of your face and stared at your computer screen.. a visible stressed tired frustrated look was shown.

You groaned in stress as you banged your head to your desk. Well you shouldnt really do that... You whined in pain rubbing your forehead. You shouldn't have done that-

Slowly you felt hands creep up your shoulders, you turn around to see your best friend! Venti. Man you love him when it comes to emotional support.

"Hi V! Whats up?"

You cooed, you tried to make yourself less tired, but that showed itself on your face. He looked at you concerningly as he starts caressing your cheeks. He glances on your work and unconsciously hugged you

"Ah- its oka-"

You were about to let him go, but he still kept hugging you and cut you off

"no its not"

He strictly said, you had to admit you were very tired writing a speech and all that other presidential stuff, now you know what goverment people feel like.

Suddenly there was silence that somehow came in, then soft snores. Venti knew he was soft but seriously considered as a pillow!? Preposterous!!

—

The next day you woke up with something heavy next to you. A sleeping black haired male. Yeah- this is normal, then you fell back asleep.. you are probably gonna be rushing after this.

=======================

BYE IM SO SLEEPY AND OUT OF MOTIVATION!?!? ANYWAYS SAY 11 IF YOU ENJOYED YEAH

[faaun]

i can feel every single nerve and organ and bone inside my body. an exercise in emptiness: what will the next thought in your head be?

[irl]

ive had a shit awful day and the cherry on top was spraining my ankle just now

who wants to cashapp me like forty bucks so i can buy me some 🍃 greens and smoke myself silly till i pass out lol

[killerlookz]

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned (Edward Nashton x F! reader) pt. I

description: disgruntled and angry with both her past and the current state of Gotham, reader takes up an extreme devotion to Gotham's violent and bloodthirsty vigilante, the Riddler, whose attention she's desperate to recieve- but this Riddler may be closer to home than she ever expected.| FIC PLAYLIST

content: angst, mostly angst. kind of dismal, reader cries a lot. vaguely graphic descriptions of murder, extreme idol worship/corruption, teen pregnancy/miscarriage, sacrilegious/ blasphemous behavior in regards to the catholic church, guilt, slut shaming?? implied that teenage characters had a sexual encounter/ virginity loss but it is only implied and never explicitly talked about or described, hurt/comfort, fluff!!! i swear there's fluff, first kiss, vomiting/slight emetophobia cheating??? i guess?? non-linear timeline (flashbacks are denoted by bolded italics) 18+, eventual smut!! (pt.ii) im aware this fic deals with delicate topics, if you do not feel comfortable with that, please heed my warnings and do not read.

word count: 13807

a/n: ━ for the sake of not wanting to make this fic 8 years long, it will be seperated into 2 parts, this part, and part two, both released simultaneously. part 2 is the smut counterpart to this fic, as well as just a continuation of the story (not nearly as long as this though)!!!━

"I love you and watched you, someone, that I knew. You’re ruined and it's cool."

There was very little you could ever do to remedy the constant ache of childhood. The long since passed memories of a decaying building and crumbling sense of self-worth were a persistent stinging that sat in every crack and corner of your being. The pain lingered despite most of the past feeling like a grainy, overexposed photograph- there's just enough there to make something out, but not quite enough for a clear picture.

There seemed very little to do to ever cure this hurt, very little until you found him.

Hushed whispers between your closest circles of friends had piqued your curiosity. Friends that knew, that understood that perpetual despair, friends that also wanted to do something about that anguish that lived in their bones. Their morbid chatter had gotten the best of you, and your interest in this change that they spoke of had led you to a peculiar part of the internet. A part of the internet that was dark, and dreadful, one that you are sure would get you put on some sort of list if you weren't careful.

And that's where you found him.

The Riddler.

The first time you'd stumbled upon one of his videos you instantly shut your computer the moment he appeared on the screen, his horrific masked appearance a stark reminder of just how far you'd let your anger with your past go. But barely a moment passed by before you were peeling the top of your laptop back up, as a hesitant hand once again reached to play the video.

He began to speak, his low and breathy modulated voice played quietly through your blown-out computer speakers and you hung onto every single venom-dipped word. He spoke with such conviction and anger at the state of the city that you had been trying desperately to communicate for years. He said everything that you were too weak, too scared to say out loud.

As his ravings came to an end, you immediately found yourself looking through the rest of this website, your fingers scrolling wildly, desperate to hear any, and everything this 'Riddler' had to say. His endless, maniacal rants provided you with a catharsis you had only dreamed of ever receiving.

Even his most horrific, and dangerous thoughts had your mind reeling. Your head nodded violently in agreement to his unrelenting extremism, a sign of your growing fearless devotion to the man on the screen, even though he could not see you back.

You'd fallen down a rabbit hole, and you had no desire to ever try and climb back up. These deep, dark depths that you had found yourself in brought more comfort than you could ever imagine. Even when The Riddler's words were meant for a large audience, it always felt like he was speaking directly to you. He had this familiarity to him, he knew your pain all too well. Maybe he'd been an orphan too. When you looked into his eyes, even though your screen as he went on the most vulgar rants, you'd felt a certain sort of comfort, one you hadn't felt in years, one you'd only ever felt with one other person in your entire life. His clever riddles and use of puzzles were a reminder of a warm ghost of your past.

You could say that finding The Riddler changed your life. With each of his postings, each of his rants your devotion only grew, his teachings and ideas only consuming more and more of your mind.

By the time he had murdered the mayor on Halloween night, you had already shed any reservations about your allegiance to The Riddler. You had no hesitations about the violence and the gore, he was doing what had to be done. He was the only one brave enough to do it.

You'd watched the evening news that night in absolute adoration of your Riddler. You bit your nails, your eyes widening with each and every gory little detail the newscasters announced into the camera. The dichotomy was almost laughable, the faint smile on your face, and fingers twirled in your hair as the anchorwoman described the brutalities inflicted on poor Mayor Mitchell. The small, giggly actions were somewhat akin to a teenage girl watching an interview with her favorite boyband star.

You could liken your devotion to The Riddler to that of an Evangelist's devotion to the lord.

How fitting was that now that you stood in front of a withering old church, ready to prove your loyalty to your divine.

Growing up as one of Gotham's forgotten was an ever-present struggle. Waking up every day shivering in an all-too-small room packed to the brim with frightened girls of all ages was nothing short of miserable. Of course, some kind souls took pity on the poor children of the Gotham Orphanage, pledging generous donations to help the pitiful, withering youths.

Except, none of you had ever seen a single penny of donations. Not a cent went to providing any residents of the Gotham Orphanage with an even slightly better quality of life. It was well known amongst most of you that that money had gone to one man, and one man alone, Father Benjamin, who'd become somewhat of the 'owner' of the orphanage once the church had taken on the role of caring for Gotham's orphans when Wayne Manor was given to them.

The Father was a corrupt man, a cruel man, much like most people in positions of power in Gotham. He was never the paragon of a godly man, reneging on his promise to care and provide for the misfortuned.

Though, perhaps to your dismay, your vengeance against the clergyman wasn't for entirely altruistic reasons. Like everyone, you'd indulge in your own selfishness and your grievances with the father were not wholly pecuniary. Father Benjamin ripped you away from the only thing you'd ever wanted, obviating your hope for a halfway happy life. That man had been the catalyst for the downward spiral of apathy that led you here- he had this coming. He had this coming for a long, long time.

After the fire at the Orphanage, Father Benjamin returned to preaching full time. The name for a while had only been a hazy memory, buried deep beneath the mountains of other trauma you had endured living in that wretched place. But one day it all came back, the decaying face of a moldering old man looked your way on your regular morning commute. The corpse-like appearance of his now dark, sunken eyes could not conceal the man you'd once known, the man who was responsible for far too much of your misery.

-

Your gaze turned upwards at the older man, he looked down on you disapprovingly towards where you'd sat on a cold exam table. His eyes were stone cold as they pierced through your own. His mouth curled down as his top lip struggled to stay put, raising slightly in an angry almost snarl.

"Please... please F-father... please don't make me leave!" Your gaze becomes obscured as tears fill up in your eyes, no longer able to see the disappointed man as you choke out a hopeless plea to him. Your voice is weak, vocal cords strained from all your wailing, "It was a mistake! It was one time-" You shake your head back and forth with vicious force. "Please let me stay- it was a mistake!"

The man above you was unmoved, his lips flattening out as his arms raised to cross his chest.

"You are unclean, you do not belong here." He shakes his head, "You are going somewhere where you will learn how to control yourself."

"PLEASE!" Your voice cracks as you plead for the umpteenth time, "You can't do this- I don't want to go."

"I can, and I am. You leave tomorrow night."

You attempt to wipe the tears that fell from your eyes with a shaky hand before placing your hands together, pressing the skin of your palms together harshly, the action makes a loud clap. You place your fingers up to your mouth, your hand in a prayer position, with your thumbs graze your lips as you sink your head forward and your eyes close. You sob against your rigid hands, silently praying to be saved.

With a loud sniffle, you lift your head and open your eyes to return to pleading with the father again. With your hands still desperately clinging to prayer, you shake them back and forth wildly.

"I thought God was supposed to forgive us for our sins... I thought you spoke for God... Why can't you forgive me, accept this as my penance, forgive me, Father!" Your words fell from your mouth in rapid succession as your chest heaved wildly. The panic of the unknown began to set in. You place your arms forward and begin grabbing at the thick black fabric of the Father's cassock.

"Forgiveness is between you and God, repent as much as you please, it is not my decision whether or not to strip you of the guilt of your filth." The Father spits.

You swallow hard and your throat stings as your warm saliva slides down your damaged flesh. You open your mouth to argue but barely a squeak comes out, instead you allow your head to fall forward, succumbing to the throbbing pain that consumes your brain.

Your breathing hitches and your shoulders twitch as your choked sobs get caught up in your stinging throat. Your fingers slip from their grip on the Father's clothes, your arms falling before turning them to your stomach, wrapping them around yourself.

Father Benjamin lets out a huff before turning around and you watch the ground as his sleek black shoes click away from you.

The decaying excuse of an infirmary sat barren aside from you as you let out whispered sobs. The loud laughter of young children could be heard on the other side of the orphanage, and you wondered if you could hear them, could they have heard your desperate cries.

You clung on desperately to your aching lower stomach, pushing your arms against your womb, trying to soothe the emptiness you felt inside you. Your eyes moved down your leg, eyeing the dried blood that trailed from your inner thigh to the inside of your knee. Your jaw clenched at the sight before you shut your eyes tight as you leaned forward. You took a few deep breaths in and out, hoping to yourself that this was all a nightmare and you'd wake up just fine.

But you were undoubtedly in reality as you opened your eyes, still in the withering infirmary, the same unrelenting ache overwhelming your body.

-

All of that rage and hatred you'd directed towards that man during childhood came right back to you and now, deeply caught under the influence of your newfound mentor, you knew something had to be done. You took no pity on the now decrepit old man for what you planned to do.

A man like the father was just the sort of target The Riddler sought after. He would be the perfect sacrifice to get the bloodthirsty vigilante's attention. You could only dream of his reaction to the crime, to someone being so devoted to him that they too helped clean up the streets of Gotham. You hoped to let The Riddler know that you were not just a listener, no, you were a fierce follower, you desperately needed him to know the depths of your devotion.

The chill November rain beat down hard upon your hooded head, each freezing drop soaking the dark fabric that rested on your hair. Still, you braved the cold, zipping up your jacket further until the cold metal zipper nearly reached the top of your neck and the confines of its material strangled you.

You lifted your now heavy feeling feet one by one as you ascended the long staircase heading towards the church. The reprieve from the rain finally hits once you reach cover under the roofing held up by large concrete pillars. It's late, long past hours of service or confession, so you can arrive confident knowing there will be no staggering witnesses. You'd studied the Father's routine over the passing days since you first laid eyes on him in the street. His simple, repetitive nightly procedure of wandering around the church, blowing out candles, and tidying up for the next day's service, helped set this plan in motion. He was a man of routine, one that was easy to memorize.

You take a deep breath in and swallow it down, reawakening the warm sting of whiskey in your throat- you could not do this stone-cold sober. The warmth in your chest gives you the push to wrap a gloved hand around the large, slippery metal door handle of the church. In your other hand, your large leather glove clung around a kitchen knife, your fingertips digging so hard into its tang you thought for sure it would disintegrate under the pressure. You stood still for a moment, perhaps longer than that, that constant dull, aching thump in your chest raced wildly for a change, the anticipation building up to the point you felt ready to jump out of your skin. It was then, when the pressure became too much, you exerted a sudden jolt of energy, flinging open the large wooden doors with little caution.

From the alter Father Benjamin turned his attention toward the church's narthex as you stepped inside. His hollow eyes widened at your sudden presence.

"If you're here for confession, I'm sorry but it must wait 'til tomorrow." His feeble voice echoes down the church's aisle.

"I'm not here to confess father." You strut forward, beginning to make your way down the nape of the church. "I'm here to talk to you." You place your hands behind your back, concealing your weapon.

"It's quite late, I'm afraid still, whatever services you're in search of must wait until tomorrow." His voice is slightly more firm as you continue to make your way down towards him.

"I'm sorry father but this simply cannot wait, it is quite important. Don't you remember me?" You're nearing the alter now. Father Benjamin tilts his head to the side, narrowing his sunken eyes.

"No-no I don't think I do."

Your entire body tenses and you clench your jaw. Your fingers go rigid around the handle of the knife. How could he just forget you? He ruined your life and he can just move on and forget you while you're still stuck trying to get over the past.

"Come on Father, think harder..." You taunt, "You don't remember sending me far... far away." A smirk surfaces across your lips as you begin to climb the short, flat stairs that lead to the alter.

"No- I don't." He speaks firmly, "Now, I really do suggest you get going, we are closed and you are tresspassi-"

"SHUT UP!" You scream, finally unveiling the knife behind your back. "You do not tell me what to do anymore, old man." You point the tip of the knife in the Father's direction. His already pale face turns a ghostly shade and his lip begins to tremble.

"P-put-put the knife down." His shaking hands raise in front of him.

"One more time, don't you remember me, Father?" You ignore the Father's pleas.

"I'm telling you I have no idea who you are, please put the knife down."

"No idea?" You raise an eyebrow and begin to inch towards the father once again as he starts to back up towards the apse of the church. "Let me try to jog your memory... PLEASE… PLEASE F-FATHER… PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME LEAVE! IT WAS A MISTAKE! IT WAS ONE TIME-PLEASE LET ME STAY- IT WAS A MISTAKE!" You yell histrionically, almost in a mockery of your younger self.

"O-okay- okay." His hands continue to tremble in front of him, ushering you to calm down "I remember- I remember!" He concedes.

"Good." You smile, "So you have no doubts about why I'm here then."

"I get it- I get- you're hurt, I- I was just doing what was best for you, you'd gone down a wrong path, I was saving you!"

You tip your head back and laugh at his pathetic attempts to explain himself.

"HURT?" You shriek, "You think I'm just hurt?" You've backed the father's trembling body father up against a wall. "Father, do you have any idea what it's like to be a scared, hungry, sixteen-year-old girl- with no family, no money, and no hope for a decent future. DO YOU KNOW what it's like to wake up covered in your own blood as your body violently rejects what's growing inside of it- something, you didn't even know was there? DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE FOR YOUR BRAIN TO FORCE YOU TO MOURN THE LOSS OF SOMETHING YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU HAD TO LOSE IN THE FIRST PLACE- something you didn't even WANT?"

You hold the knife at the Father's neck, keeping him pinned in place, his lip quivers, and tears are beginning to slip down his decrepit face. It's impossible to hide the insurmountable pleasure you receive from seeing the old man in peril. "And above all, Father," Your voice suddenly drops to just above a whisper as you shove your face close to Father Benjamin's, "Do you know what it's like to be ripped from the one person who has ever loved you?" You squint your eyes and tilt your head to the side before pulling the knife backward from where it had been against his neck, and plunging it into his stomach.

You can feel his body tissue busting under the pressure of the sharpened blade. Using all of your force you twist the blade in his stomach, which is met with an audible gasp from the Father. His mouth opens a few more times as he struggles to get a word out, but the sheer force of the knife in his weakened body is enough to keep him silent.

You grin as Father Benjamin's legs begin to kick under him, his knees buckling from the pain.

"Maybe now, you can feel just an ounce of the pain I felt that day." You lean in close and whisper in his ear before removing the blade from his stomach. Father Benjamin falls to the ground, unable to handle the force of the blade shoved under his skin, the old man hits the tile below with a loud crack, the noise felt ear-splitting, and the withering of bone against the hard surface sent shivers down your spine. The cold marble having done most of the dirty work for you had split the fragile man's head open, his feeble skull nearly crumbling under the sheer force he hit the floor.

Blood pours out of the broken skin of both his stomach and his head. The thinned-out liquid rushes from the wounds faster than you'd expected. You stood over the now truly decaying father, watching the life drain from his eyes as his mouth continued to open and close, desperate for a single sound to come out. Slowly, his body would stop its writhing as he lost his fight and his mouth would cease to move, his labored breathing now altogether coming to a stop. He was gone.

It was far less laborious, far less messy than you'd expected, you figured it would have taken more than one blow to the stomach to have taken the old man out. But, you'd not account for the weight of the fall, and the strength of the floor, that is what did the man in. And in that case, it wasn't really you who'd killed the man, sure, you were the catalyst, but, the tile flooring is what really took him out. Your reasoning, you supposed, could absolve what very little guilt you'd even had for killing the man.

It nearly frightened you how little guilt you'd felt watching the aged priest bleed out in front of you. The pool of blood around his busted head sent nearly no waves of sympathy through your shaking body. No, instead you'd felt more of an overwhelming calm. Despite the adrenaline-fueled tremors that shook every part of you, you felt calm. You were perfectly at peace with the monster who'd taken so much from you bleeding out on the ground below.

A stifled, manic laugh began to slip from your lips, you couldn't help yourself. You relished your role as Father Benjamin's judge, jury, and executioner, having finally brought justice to a man who thought he could get away with the world. How wrong he was.

You could rationalize your actions all you wanted, but deep down, you knew you just committed murder, and you needed to get the hell out of that church, and fast.

You spent little time watching the Father's blood continue to pool, instead, opting to not bask in the glory of your crime, for you could do that when the news hit the television. You turned right around, sprinting back down the aisle and out the door, careful not to leave any bloodied footprints trailing from your shoes. You slipped back into the cold, dark night, the rain beat down on the pavement harder than ever.

You made your way down the steps nonchalantly, careful not to call attention to yourself, despite there not being any passersby at this late hour. The rain once again fell upon you, drenching every inch of your body, each cold drop washed away the ache of the past. For the first time in your life, you were alive and Father Benjamin wasn't, he had no more power to be able to take from you. He could never take from anybody anymore. You were free, everyone was free, you felt, almost rebirthed in the rain. Yet, of course, that numb feeling still drilled at the back of your skull and that aching pit in your stomach was destined to be reopened once the adrenaline wore off. But at least for now, you could bask in the afterglow of this alleviated feeling.

You opened up the door to your apartment and stepped inside before closing it behind you. You nearly slammed your wet figure right onto the back of the door once you heard the latch click, signifying the door had been all the way closed. A satisfied grin spread across your face as your gloved fingers grazed the cool metal that hid inside your pocket. You killed him.

As you took a breath in, you understood why addicts so desperately chased the high of their choice, you could only imagine it felt something like this. The adrenaline that pumped through your veins made you feel like you were on cloud nine.

You stepped away from the door, slipping off your soggy beaten-up sneakers before peeling yourself out of your sopping jacket. You'd been feeling so blissful you'd hardly realized just how uncomfortable the rain had made the state of your clothes.

You made your way into the kitchen, pulling out the knife over the sink, your body involuntarily shivered at the sight of the dried splatter that covered the shiny metal blade. You turned on the faucet to a burning degree before placing the blade under the rushing water. With your hands still gloved, the scalding water had little effect on your skin, instead, it was a comforting dull warmth under the thick leather. You rubbed your thumb against the blade, scraping away the evidence of the crime, before placing the knife in the dishwasher, as if were just any other utensil.

Still relishing your high, you decided it was high time to clean up, the rain had left you feeling mildly filthy. You headed down the darkened hallway of your apartment, making a sharp turn into your bedroom and flipping on the light.

A loud gasp escaped your mouth and your stomach flipped right around once the soft warm light from above hit your room. There was someone in your bed. Your body stiffened and you tried not to scream as the paranoia set in, the figure moved. You tried to run but you couldn't, you felt glued to the spot right up against your doorframe.

They flipped over, and just as you felt yourself about to scream-

"Jesus fucking christ Ryan, you scared me!" You scolded, a sigh of relief leaving your lungs at the sight of a face you'd recognized, though, were not thrilled to have in your house. The high of the night immediately dissipated once the initial relief of not having a stranger laid in your bed set in. You ran a hand through your drenched hair as an overwhelming feeling of utter dread washed over you, why tonight. His being here most certainly put a very big wrench in your plans.

The man who laid in your bed, staring back at you, Ryan, you supposed you'd been... "dating" him for the last few months... you guess. Sometimes you felt more like he was dating you, but that you weren't dating him. There was little a spark between the two of you, or at least that's how you felt, but despite the man having the personality of a soggy napkin, he made you feel normal.

"I'm sorry baby." He said in a low chuckle, clearly finding your startled appearance humorous, "You just- you weren't answering your phone- no one could get into contact with you."

"So you broke into my house?" You suppressed a groan.

"Well, I, didn't break in... you told me where you keep the spare key." He defended with a sweet smile on his face.

You placed your hand on your forehead and rubbed for a moment, before slipping your fingertips back up to your scalp and carding them through your hair once more.

"I didn't tell you where that was so you could break into my house unannounced." You sigh, "I- whatever." You shake your head, deciding not to argue, you'd already had an eventful night.

You step further into your room, beginning to continue peeling yourself out of your damp clothing.

"Where were you tonight?"

"Had some errands to run." You said, your voice muffled by you pulling the hoodie you had on over your head. You discarded the wet garment, tossing it somewhere in your room.

"This late? In the rain?" He questioned.

"Yeah... I ran out of um-" You squeezed your eyes tight, Come on, think of something, think "-of... toilet paper... so I needed to... get some." You nodded, feigning confidence in your story. You took a deep breath in, anxiously awaiting his response.

"Oh. Makes sense... yeah."

You looked away from him once again to remove another soaking article of clothing. You reached your fingertips under the hem of your t-shirt, bringing the soggy material over your head.

"Hey y/n, who is he?"

"What?" You said, your muscles going a little bit rigid as you dropped your t-shirt on the floor. Was he accusing you of cheating? You turned around to face the man, "What are you talking about?"

"Him," He said, gesturing towards your bedside table. You furrowed your eyebrows, unsure of what he was talking about, you're not a fucking mind reader after all.

"What?" You repeat again. Ryan leans over the side of your bed and picks up the picture frame that resides on your bedside table. As his fingers touch the faded wood of the frame you're suddenly filled with nearly unjustifiable rage.

"Don't touch that!" You scold, making Ryan contort his face in shock at your sudden raise change of volume.

"I-Sorry, I've meant to ask before, but I- I just wanted to know who the next to you guy in the picture was..."

Having already dug up a little too much of your past today, you weren't exactly eager to answer Ryan's question. Your throat tightened as you answered,

"A childhood friend." You shook your head, "He's, a childhood friend."

"A friend?" Ryan asked back, "You just yelled at me for touching a picture of him, he's just a friend? What, is he dead or something?"

Oh, he'd done it now.

"That's not funny, don't talk like that!" You reprimand once again, a certain defensiveness in your voice.

"I'm sorry- I'm sorry. Come on now. You can be honest, who is he?"

"You're not going to drop this, are you?" You sigh.

"Nope." He responded, popping the P sound in the word. Deep down you knew he didn't know any better, but you were wildly disgusted at him for treating this situation with such little consideration.

You eye Ryan from where he sits on the bed, and then turn your gaze to yourself, looking down at what you could see of your lower body. There you stood, in front of this guy you'd been hooking up with for the last few months, soaked, in nothing but your underwear, having literally just killed someone to prove your loyalty to another man, and now you're about to bear one of your most protected childhood memories. What a fucking night.

Your emotions were seemingly everywhere, and nowhere all at once, and you sighed as you sat down on the edge of the bed, trying desperately to figure out how you were going to tell this story without losing your mind.

You looked down at your feet, unable to look Ryan in the eyes as you began.

"His name was Edward." You mumbled, "He was uh, we grew up together, in the orphanage- you know."

"Oh, so you two were pretty close?"

You picked your head up from where you'd been looking down, and you chuckled in your best attempt to hold back the choking sob that at this point was desperate to come out, "I- uh- yeah- I thought I was going to marry him, honestly." You look back down at the ground, trying your hardest to keep your voice light-hearted, sneaking in stifled little fake laughs here and there, "But, that's- it was stupid- we were just kids." You shake your head.

"So, what happened then?"

"I got into some trouble not too long after I turned 16..." An arm snakes around your side, holding itself firm against your exposed stomach, "I guess the members of the clergy thought it was best that I rehabilitated my behavior elsewhere- or whatever. Got shipped off to some boarding school for troubled youth in the middle of nowhere. Never saw him, or any of my friends again." You speak somewhat nonchalantly, trying your best to separate yourself from the memories that were threatening to come forth in your head.

"Oh... I'm sorry." Ryan speaks slowly, a hint of condolence in his voice, "What sort of trouble?"

You look over at the man, unwilling to give up so much to him so soon,

"I just made some stupid choices as a teenager" You shake your head, trying to play things cool, you throw a hand up in faked ambivalence, "Choices with some tough consequences. That's all." You swipe your hand across your nose, sniffling before tucking your hair behind your ears, "I'm not like a felon or anything, I never did anything too terrible- just by the church's standards." You laugh awkwardly.

"Oh- no- yeah I get it." He nods, "Surprised you came back to Gotham though, afterward- I mean."

"Yeah," You nod, "I guess- well by the time I was finished with school, I was just a scared 18-year-old with nowhere to go and- Gotham was the only place I was familiar with." You shrug.

Ryan clicks his tongue making a tsk sound as his head bounces slightly up and down. "Sorry about your friend though," He glances back over to the picture, "You looked happy with him."

"I was-" You scrunch your mouth to one side, and then the other before your face falls flat once more, "That picture," you point at the picture frame, "One of my school friends took it, she threw me a small party for my 16th birthday at her house, it's one of my happiest memories." You breathe in and tilt your head back slightly, trying to hold back the tears that were tempting your eyes. You blink a few times and shake your head, "But, god, It's okay, y'know, I haven't seen any of them in like-over 10 years, I'm sure we've all moved on since then."

"Well, at least you still have the memories."

"Yeah," You nod, choking back tears, you quickly turn your head back to Ryan, "I'm gonna... go take a shower."

"Without me?" He smirks as you begin to get off the bed.

"Yeah," You suck on your tongue for a second, "I feel pretty gross from the rain, I don't think it'll be very sexy. I'll be right back!" You scurry out of the room before he could answer, the lingering feelings of your prior conversation making you cringe as you head to the bathroom.

You shut the bathroom door behind you, and as soon as you heard it click shut you felt the tears begin to pour down your cheeks. You raised a hand to your face to wipe them away but the warm drops fell down your face too fast for you to consistently catch them all.

You rested your hand on the bridge of your nose, pressing the sides of your fingers hard into the cartilage, reflecting on the last 5 minutes of your night alone.

A friend? Your face twisted, scrunching up your nose as your mouth contorted into a scowl. You ran your tongue across your teeth, sucking lightly as you shook your head back and forth, disgusted with yourself. How could you sit there and just call him a friend?

You bit your lip, suppressing the urge to scream as you lifted your head. Your tears began to drip down to the back of your face. You scooped what you could of your sobs off your face and made your way to the shower, turning on the faucet. You backed away from the flowing water as the bathroom began to fill with steam. A warm, white misty haze settled all over the bland tile scape. Your hand reached around to your back, unclasping your bra and letting it fall against the ground before pulling your panties down your legs and kicking them off to the side.

A small jolt ran through your body as a leg entered the shower, unprepared for the water to have been so hot. You took ahold of the metal handle and turned the temperature of the water down slightly until a steady, warm stream rained down on you. The patter of the showerhead washed away the ever-present flow of tears on your face.

You let the water fall against your body for a moment, basking in its warmth, trying to calm down from everything you'd been through tonight. Flashes of memories peaked through your tightly closed eyes, the knife in Father Benjamin's chest, waking up to blood on your sheets, the feeling of soft lips against yours, that cold infirmary room, spending first period huddled over a school toilet, the night you met Ryan. Every inch of your life seemed to race by in small increments until you opened your eyes, unable to take the burden that each moment held. You shook away the thoughts, bending down to pump some shampoo into your hand.

You lather the light pearlescent substance into your hair, deeply massaging your scalp with the tips of your fingers. You made sure to get the suds in between each and all of the tens of thousands of strands of hair that sat on your head, tugging at your roots to wash away all of the rain's grime.

You tip your head back under the water, continuing to massage your scalp, as your eyes shut softly. Your thoughts began to disappear elsewhere as you recalled the picture Ryan had pointed out earlier, your smiling face as you clung to the side of that awkwardly lanky boy, the reflection of the camera in his taped-up glasses was clear as day in your mind. You breathed in deeply, as the memory began to consume you.

-

"Ooh! Me next! Open mine next!" The blonde girl next to you said, her voice over-bubbly with intoxication. With a smile, her hands pressed together as she claps excitedly. She picks up a bright pink wrapped box beside her and hands it to you.

"Thank you, Jessie," You give her a mildly intoxicated smile, taking the box and resting it in your lap. You peel off the matching sparkly pink bow from atop the box before digging your nails into one of the gaps in the paper, tearing it off. You grab the top of the box and let it slide off where you noticed whatever sat at the bottom was wrapped in hot pink tissue paper, you grinned at the coordination of everything. Your fingers pulled back the crinkled paper as your jaw dropped slightly at what was inside. "No fucking way!" You exclaim as you reach inside the box. You smile as your fingers graze over the fabric of a brand-new pair of jeans. God, you couldn't remember the last time you'd gotten clothes from somewhere other than the thrift store.

"What is it?" Another voice across the room asked, forcefully.

"Shut up, Allan!" Jessie retorts to the voice across the room before turning towards you, "Look! There's more under that!" She continues happily.

You look up at Jessie with a smile, before returning to the box, which unveiled a couple of shirts that had sat under the pair of jeans, shirts you specifically remember eyeing last time you went to the mall.

"Oh! Jessie!" You practically shout, "Thank you! Oh my god!" You smile wildly at the blonde girl, endlessly thankful for her kindness.

"Oh it's no biggie! It's your 16th birthday! That's big! You deserve it."

You place the box back on the floor in front of you.

"Okay!" Jessie announces, "Can you please open Edward's gift now! He won't tell any of us what it is! The anticipation is killing me!"

"Oh?" You raise an eyebrow at the boy who sits on the other side of you as you pick up a red plastic cup off the carpet. "Secretive, now are we?" Your inquisitive glare turns into a smile before you press the cup against your lips and tilt it back. You wince slightly as the taste of cheap liquor and warm soda hits your taste buds.

"Mhm." Edward nods, a sly smile on his boyish face. You place the cup down once again.

"Well, give it to me, hm?" You say, reaching out your arms. Edward grabs the well-wrapped box off his lap and hands it to you.

"I hope you like it." Edward's smile becomes a bit sheepish as you take the present into your hands.

"It's from you Eddie, of course, I already like it!" You giggle, eyeing him up and down fondly.

"God, y/n! When did you get so fucking corny?" Allan yells from across the room.

"I'm not being corny! It's the truth!" You whip your head to the side and narrow your eyes at him.

"Shut up, Allan!" Jessie repeats once again.

"Whatever. Open it! Open it!" Allan urges.

"Okay! Jeez!" You begin to tear off the paper from the box until it was just bare and white. You dug a nail under the tape of the box, peeling that open as well before lifting the top.

"Edward!" You gasped as you looked down in the box. Below you sat packaged a small iPod and some nice-looking headphones. A huge smile overcame your face as your body began to heat up. "You didn't have to-oh! That's too much money." You look back up, placing one hand over Edward's as it lay in his lap.

Edward shook his head, "No, like Jessie said, you deserve it- I know you like your music and whatnot- and so- you know- I picked up some extra shifts at work."

"Awww!" Jessie interjected, directing her gaze to you, "He took extra shifts for you!" She then shifted her focus to both you and Edward, "Can you guys just admit you're in love already!"

You didn't need a mirror to know you'd turned bright pink, you felt the warmth pricking under your cheeks in a shameful blush. You nervously glanced over to Edward who looked the same as you assumed you'd looked. Edward looked down at his lap, pushing up his thin wire-rimmed glasses with his free hand, his fingertip grazing their taped-up center.

"Yeah, really, stop being pussies and just bone already, god!" Allan nagged at the two of you.

"Don't be gross!" Jessie scolded.

"Sorry- You laughed nervously, directing your attention towards Edward. "Really though, thank you, Eddie, even though your gift kind of makes me gifting you a book of crossword puzzles for your birthday look really fucking lame."

"I didn't think it was lame at all." Edward shook his head, "I use it every day."

"You're too sweet Eddie."

"You are too,"

Suddenly, a strange bout of confidence hit you as you gazed into Edward's naturally sad-looking eyes. "Thank you so much, Eddie," you grin before leaning forward and placing a small kiss against his lips.

The quick peck had Edward's face turning bright pink as you pulled back only a few inches with a goofy smile, trying your absolute best (and failing) to play it cool, pretending your heart wasn't racing in your chest. Edward raised his hand to graze your cheek, and with hesitance he leaned in again, kissing you this time.

Your eyes closed almost involuntarily as his lips touched yours, your head turning slightly so you could get closer to him. You placed both of your hands on his shoulders, and your fingers were placed firmly into his skin as if holding him in place. But as Edward's other hand came to hold your face you slipped your hands from his shoulders and wrapped your arms around the back of his neck, pushing yourself close to him. The sudden pressure of you leaning into Edward made his body fall backward slightly.

The kiss was only broken by Allan whistling loudly. The noise startled you both causing Edward's already fragile, trembling body to fall all the way backward, taking you down with him. You pull away once again, giggling as you look down at Edward from where he was laying below you. He's smiling back up at you, a real, genuine smile, something you weren't always used to from him which only makes you want to kiss him again, and again, and again if it means you can see him smile like that a few more times.

Allan yells some vulgar words of encouragement to Edward, but you can barely hear it over the sound of your heart beating. Edward removes his hand from your cheeks and without the small force of him holding you up you let your head fall against his chest. Just under his skin, you can hear a thumping similar to your own, making you smile as you push your cheek up against the worn-out fabric of his T-shirt.

"Hey, uh- can you just hang out in the living room real quick while I get dressed?" You stand at the entrance to your room, resting a bare shoulder against its wooden frame.

"What?" Ryan looks up at you, giving you a look that's somewhat akin to a lost puppy. The faked innocence on his face makes you want to shrivel up inside. He laughs with feigned confidence, "You know I've seen you naked before, right?"

"What's that have to do with anything?"

"Well if you're worried about me seeing you change it's nothing I haven't seen be-"

"I'm not worried." You cut him off, "I just want to get dressed by myself." You cross your arms over your towel-clad chest, trying your best to display your annoyance without being too harsh about it.

"Alright," Ryan says, stretching out the i sound and emphasizing the t, awkwardly nodding his head out of some minute embarrassment. He flashes you a shy smile as he walks past you in the doorway.

You cannot shut the door behind him fast enough, your heart beginning to race wildly as you eagerly raced to your bed, picking your laptop up from where it lay on the floor. You didn't care that you were still only dressed in your towel, your hair and body still sopping wet, you had more important things to tend to now. You bring the computer to your lap, your fingers type furiously on the keys, pulling up the Riddler's website.

You sigh, relieved that there have been no updates to the website in the few hours that it had been since you last checked it. You make your way to The Riddler's last post, your brain working furiously as it tried to drum up the right words to describe your work tonight. You clicked to add a comment before bringing your anxious fingers to your lips, you needed to make an impression, you needed to make him notice your comment out of all the others.

You moved your hand back to the keyboard and flexed your fingers a few times before finally resting them back on the keys as you nervously typed out your comment.

Riddler, I cannot thank you enough for your work. You have inspired me beyond words, I have a new hope for the city now, all thanks to you. Sometime in the early morning when the most devoted of Christ's followers awake to attend their morning mass they will be given quite a shock. Poor, poor Father Benjamin has met his demise, and what remains of his tainted blood is spilling from his brain and chest as I speak. Thank you for giving me the courage to do what I've been yearning for since I was young, Father Benjamin has taken so much from the innocent of our city, he leaves behind nothing but a legacy of corruption and grief, he's gotten what he deserved.

I hope you know what a mark you've left on your followers, I hope you understand our devotion. You symbolize a new hope for Gotham's forgotten, the proletariat, those not touched by the city's greed. I hope to prove to you that you are more than just a guy in a mask, you ARE the future of Gotham, YOU are vengeance, YOU are justice, and you are a revolutionary. This is only the beginning.

You lean back and reread your comment over and over again, nitpicking each and every little nuance, making sure it's perfect. You rubbed your now clammy hands together before holding them in a loose prayer position and pressing your fingers to your lips. Little in your life had ever made you this jumpy with excitement. Your brain for a split moment retreated to that 16th birthday party, that feeling of gentle hands on your cheeks had been imprinted on your skin permanently, like a scar. You quickly shook away the memory, trying your best not to let yourself get back in your head again, wishing your brain didn't fight so hard to live in those ephemeral halcyon days.

With a sharp breath in you posted your comment, you'd done a lot of risky shit in your life, but nothing had felt quite like this before. Anticipation knocked at your nerves, prompting you to get out of bed and walk around your room. You walked over to your dresser and hastily pulled out a t-shirt without looking.

You dropped your towel and pulled the shirt over your head, pausing momentarily as you went to bring the shirt down your midsection, your fingers passing over the fabric, feeling just how soft this shirt was in particular from being so worn. Your eyes widened as you let the shirt fall over the rest of your body. Just your luck. You snapped your head towards your mirror, staring at yourself in its reflection. Your mouth fell into a small frown as you placed your fingers on your chest, softly grazing over the faded-out Radiohead logo.

For once in your life, you were thankful you didn't have breakfast as you kneeled hunched over the school toilet, spitting out what remained of the bile and saliva in your mouth.

You couldn't understand, this was the third day in a row you'd found yourself getting sick. There was some sort of ever-present nausea that you couldn't get rid of. You feared that this was not a one-off instance like you'd originally thought, acute panic set in at the realization that something may actually be wrong with you.

You picked your head up from where it had been bent over, screwing your eyes shut tight as you flushed the toilet, opting not to look at the remains of what little you'd eaten over the last few days. You got off your knees as you wiped your mouth with the back of your hand and rested back against the stall door, blinking away the tears that were welling up in your eyes. God, how embarrassing this was.

You took a deep breath in, realizing just how hot you'd gotten and just how disgusting you felt. You looked down at yourself, a small, light orange stain on your white shirt catching your eye. The sight nearly made you gag all over again. You hit your head against the stall door, "Fuck!" you let out, exasperated, trying to think of what to do. You squeezed your eyes tight, trying to figure out where you could possibly find a change of clothes.

If you remembered correctly, you had one safe bet of getting a new shirt. Mustering up all your strength, your shaky knees nearly buckling, you pick yourself up off the bathroom floor and let yourself out of the stall. You head to the sink, pinching the rusted metal handles to turn on the tap. You held back your hair with a tight fist as you pushed your face under the cold running water, letting it fall into your mouth. The poorly-filtered water had a bitter, metallic taste, but anything was better than the warm acerbic aftertaste of your stomach acids.

You picked your head up from the tap and swished the water around your mouth before spitting it out back into the sink. You looked at your reflection as your head whipped up once more, noticing how drained of color your face had gotten. Deciding to worry about your health another time, you hastily left the bathroom, rushing to get to your destination before the bell rang.

You traversed what seemed like endless hallways until finally reached where you needed to be, with a couple seconds to spare. You leaned against the crumbling tile wall outside one of the classrooms, fidgeting with your fingers and rocking back and forth on the balls of your feet. Your head turned back and forth, looking up and down the hallways on either side of you until the bell rang. You watched intently as students hurried out of the classroom until you finally caught sight of who you needed.

You reached out and grabbed Edward's scrawny arm, pulling him away from the hoard of his classmates. He jumped slightly under your touch, his startled look quickly fading into a smile as his eyes met you.

"You scared me I didn't expect you to gra- hey, are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost?" His smile slowly faded to a look of concern.

You looked back and forth once more, tapping your shoe against the tile floor, waiting for the area to clear out. You looked back at Edward, eyeing his clothes up and down, relieved when you saw an ill-fitting flannel layered over a Radiohead T-shirt he'd found at a charity shop a few months ago.

"Can I have your shirt?" You ask poking him in the stomach slightly as you point forwards, making him flinch.

"Of course," he nods, "What's wrong?" His eyebrows furrow behind his glasses.

"I uhhh..." You trail off as someone walks past the two of you. You reach out and grab both of Edward's hands, holding them out in front of you before pulling him a little closer to you. His lanky frame stands over you, and he looks down with a small smile, giving your hands a small, reassuring squeeze. Now determining the coast was clear you start back up once more just above a whisper, "I- got sick again. And-" You try to hide your disgust as best as you can, trying to keep your face as straight as possible, "Some of it got on my shirt, I guess." You wince.

Edward's head cocks to the side and his mouth drops slightly. One of his hands escapes from your grasp and comes up to rest on the back of your neck, "Y/n..." He starts in a quiet voice, "I think we should I don't know, go to the doctor or something- I'm worried about you, this is the third day in a row."

"Edward," You shake your head, "I'm worried too but can we please just not have this conversation right now." You look up at him with pleading eyes. "I just need your shirt."

"Alright. It's worth having some time, at least. Even if you just go to the nurse maybe she cou-"

"Edward." You cut him off. His hand drops from the back of your neck and he nods.

"Yeah- just let me change."

You drop his other hand as the two of you walk towards the bathrooms. The hallways are empty as the bell rings again, signifying the start of the next period, but, you'd never cared much about your attendance.

"I'll be right out," Edward says as the two of you reach the boy's bathroom. You give him a sharp nod, tightening your lips into a thin line as he walks off into the bathroom.

You stand against the wall and resume rocking back and forth, your thumb rests just against your lip as you anxiously bite at the nail. The fingers on your opposite hand drum at the side of your thigh as your mind races with possibilities of what could be wrong with you. You shiver at the thought of any of them, hoping that this was simply just brought about by stress, or maybe you were just getting your period soon.

Maybe deep down you knew that the way you'd been feeling was far too severe for it to be either of those things, but, they were pretty little solutions you could use to keep you distracted from the almost glaringly obvious.

You see Edward come out of the bathroom out of the corner of your eye and you quickly turn to him. His T-shirt is crumpled up in a ball as he stands in front of you, his loose flannel sits upon his gangly frame. The ill-fitting fabric droops down at his front, slightly exposing a collarbone. You look up at him, his glasses are slightly crooked on his face, and his hair is just barely out of place. His appearance makes a smile grow on your face and you nearly forget all of the anxieties from mear seconds ago. You stand up on your toes and smooth out Edward's shaggy hair before adjusting his glasses against his nose.

"Oh." Edward chuckles, seemingly unaware of his disheveled appearance.

"You're too cute." You giggle before giving him a small kiss on the cheek. "Too cute Eddie." He's blushing at your adulation, squeezing the balled-up T-shirt in his hands between his fingers. "Wait-ew" You furrow your eyebrows and shake your head, laughing a little, "Sorry, should've waited until I could brush my teeth." You drop your feet down flat again.

"No-no it's okay, I don't mind."

"You're too lenient with me Eddie," You chuckle as you adjust the flannel on his shoulders. "There we go." You say, satisfied with his fixed appearance.

Edward outstretches his arms to hand you his shirt, "I'll wait here for you." He gives you a small smile, nudging the balled-up shirt towards you. You give him a nod, taking the fabric from his hands.

You're back in the bathroom stall now, dropping your backpack and stripping off your stained shirt. You peel the sullied fabric away from your sticky, sweat-stricken skin and replace it with Edward's T-shirt.

A smile pulled at your cheeks almost reflexively when the garment passed over your head. The soft, worn garment carried Eddie's faint scent, making you blush as warm thoughts of him moved through your brain. The shirt fell the rest of the way down your midsection, and you grabbed your backpack and left the stall.

You quickly glanced past the mirror to briefly check out your reflection. The t-shirt was ill-fitted for your body, but you found it hard to mind, rather you focused on the strange overjoyed feeling that filled you from wearing Edward's clothes.

You walked out of the bathroom, the sound of the opening door alerting Edward of your presence. He turns to look at you and you notice him take a deep breath in as he looks at you with a stunned look on his face.

"Are you alright, Edward?" You frown.

"Yeah- yeah I'm okay." Edward shoves his hands deep in his pockets and steps up on the balls of his feet before falling back on his heels, anxiously repeating the action a few times over, "It's just- wow." He shakes his head, "You are so beautiful."

You awoke in a state of confusion, as the nearly-afternoon sun shone in your eyes as they opened slightly.

You peered out of your still nearly entirely closed eyes, your sleep obfuscated gaze focusing on the spot next to you, nobody was there. You pushed the heavy comforter off your body with a sudden burst of energy and picked your upper body up with what little strength the morning brought your lower arms. Your clothes were still on.

You rubbed your eyes as you rested your sat-up body against a pillow, finally feeling fit to open your eyes completely. You looked around at your room, then back at the empty spot next to you.

Ryan must have gone home, you deduced as you thought back to last night.

Shit. Last night.

Scrambling, you frantically reached over the side of your bed as the beating in your chest began to pick up. You grabbed your laptop from off your floor and pulled it up to your lap, anxious. You tapped at the space just below the keyboard, waiting for the computer to turn on.

The bright light of the sign-in screen finally hit your eyes and you frantically entered in your password.

"Come on, come on." You egged on the inanimate object, your leg shaking below you. Finally, you were signed in and you scrambled to your search engine, furiously making your way to the Riddler's website. Your stomach flipped as you began typing in the URL, the frequently visited website quickly filling in the autocomplete.

As you pressed 'enter' you felt your heart drop right down to your stomach. You'd not been taken to the usual Riddler's website, instead, you were greeted with a black screen, a small, blinking question mark sat in the upper left corner.

"Shit. Shit. Shit." You cursed, "What the fuck!"

Soon the green question mark disappeared, instead now being replaced with an insertion point. You swallowed harshly as text began to appear on the page.

I've been waiting for you...

Your eyes went wide, was this - no way. You stared at your computer screen for a few moments, unsure of what to do. Had the website been compromised? Who was talking to you?

Cat got your tongue?

A new line of dialogue appeared. You placed your hands on the keyboard,

Who is this?

Come on, I thought you were smarter than this, who else would it be?

Are you the Riddler?

You type fervently, your body racked with anxiety at the thought that you could really be talking to The Riddler right now.

There we go... now we're thinking!

"Holy fucking shit." Your fingers grazed over your computer's keys, restraining yourself from making some sort of crazed proclamation of love. You tapped against the keys, dumbfounded, at a complete and utter loss of what to say.

I saw the news... what an act of dedication! I've nearly been moved to tears knowing I've made such an impact.

Your face becomes flushed with a bright pink, a smile forming across your face. He noticed, he really really noticed you.

You noticed...

Of course, I noticed... That's why I just had to speak with you.

You placed your hand over your mouth, your fingers rubbed over your lips, unsure of how to even respond at such a comment. You took a sharp breath in,

You don't know what that means to me. I hope you understand your words have changed my life.

That's always been the goal. Change. Father Benjamin was a loathsome man. Still, I'm almost surprised someone got the job done before me.

He knew about the Father.

You know of Father Benjamin's ills?

I grew up from a seed, as tough as a weed. But in a mansion, in a slum, I'll never know where I come from. Do you know what I am?

You read the text a few times over again, racking your brain as to what he could have possibly meant. You were never very good at Riddles.

Mansion... in a slum... shit. You had it.

An orphan?

Precisely. Given your grievances with the Father, may I presume you are too?

You furrowed your eyebrows, entirely dumbfounded. The Riddler had been an orphan too?

Yes. I was. And Father Benjamin took EVERYTHING from me.

As he did for I.

A smile found its way onto your face, and your heart beat wildly at your newfound discovery of how much you and The Riddler had in common.

How about we unmask Father Benjamin together?

Just when you thought the manic grin on your face could not possibly get any wider. You'd wanted to get the Riddler's attention, but this, this was far more than you could have ever imagined. He wanted to work with you. Your breathing turned to a dangerous heave.

Are you still there?

Yes. Please. I want nothing more than to unmask that man. With you.

Good. Meet me where it all began. 19:00.

It had taken you a moment to figure out what the Riddler had meant, where it all began. But, having thought on it, there was only one possible place that it could have been. The orphanage.

Part of you debating not turning up, perhaps this had all been an elaborate scheme, a set-up by the cops. You'd paced your apartment like a madwoman for hours, arguing with yourself back and forth about what to do before ultimately deciding to go. You'd worshipped this man, the Riddler gave your life meaning again, and you'd be damned if you were going to miss your shot at teaming up with him.

The building had fallen apart, most of it reduced to ash and rubble after that fire a few years back. All that was left were some meager remnants of rooms and hallways. Even prior to the fire, it had always been hard to imagine that the orphanage was once a grand mansion where Gotham's most elite family found themselves living out their day-to-day.

With cautious moves, clad in black from head to toe, and a simple mask hung across the lower half of your face (you, clearly, did not have the same time for elaborate costuming like the Riddler) you wandered nearer in to the decaying orphanage. Your building anticipation of meeting your masked idol was still, simply not strong enough to repress the memories you'd had here.

Your shoes kicked up dust as you walked along a barren hallway, painfully aware of where you were even given the destitute state of your surroundings. You peered off to your side, your eyes landing on what remained of a cold, white room, involuntarily, your throat constricted at the sight.

-

Finally mustering up some strength you removed your arms from your aching stomach and gently stepped down from the exam table, trying your best not to collapse to the ground as your knees threatened to buckle under you. You sniffed loudly, wiping away the tears from your reddened cheeks that had been nearly rubbed raw by now.

Any semblance of self-worth you possessed had seemed to dissipate, perhaps the father was right, maybe you were filthy, maybe you didn't belong here. The future looked morose- but maybe that's what you deserved.

Your teeth gnawed at the insides of your cheeks as you made your hesitant journey over to the door to exit the infirmary. There was no easy way to explain what had happened today, but you knew you owed Edward that much- and he could pass the news onto the rest of your friends, seeing you wouldn't be around in Gotham long enough to say goodbye.

You touched your hand to the cool metal of the doorknob, taking a deep breath in before turning it. As the door swung open you're caught off guard by Edward standing right in front of you out in the hallway. Your bottom lip begins to quiver under his careful gaze, he looks sadder than usual.

"How long have you been there?" You ask, halfway hiding behind the door.

"Awhile." His answer is short and sullen.

"How much did you hear?"

"Why is he sending you away- I don't understand- what happened?" Edward's voice suddenly picks up and he's panicked. "I just- I've been waiting here since I woke up- everyone's been talking, something about bloody sheets..." His voice trails off, "I don't understand."

"What do you mean everyone's been talking?" You step out from your spot behind the door, but only slightly, "What have they been saying?"

"Some of the girls- they said they woke up and you weren't there- all that was left behind was your sheets- covered in blood- Y/n please- I don't understand, what happened, where are you going?"

"Oh." You finally step out into the hallway completely. You look into Edward's eyes, hoping to find some hope that he's at least on the track of figuring out what's happened so you could avoid the explanation. But all you find is lost desperation in those sad, wet eyes. "You haven't figured it out?"

"Figured, what out y/n? Please just tell me." His voice cracks and you can tell he's close to tears.

"Edward..." You trail off to a whisper, your eyes screw closed, your mouth pursing into a straight line to prevent a loud sob from escaping your lips. A tear escapes down your cheek as you open your eyes back up and you inhale, "I've been getting sick, and now I- I woke up bleeding." You explain, hoping Edward could just put the two together. He was so good at solving things, this was much easier than a riddle. Why couldn't he just get it?

Edward's mouth drops slightly and he shakes his head, "No-" He cuts himself off before speaking again, "It was only once- we were safe- I didn't get you-"

You nodded your head- he solved it.

"Oh god." He inhales, and his mouth hangs open for a moment as he shakes his head, panicked. "This is all my fault." His eyes open wide and a few tears escape.

"Eddie-" You start, "Please, no- please don't blame yourself. If I just listened to you when I first got sick I could have taken care of it- but now." You look down at the floor, "I guess my body's done that for me." You look back up at Edward who's still staring dumbfounded but you don't know what to say- there's nothing you could possibly say to make this any easier for either of you.

You just about throw yourself against Edward, "I don't know why it happened-" You begin to sob into the crook of his neck, wrapping your arms around his back. You grip onto his T-shirt so tight that your knuckles turn white. "It just- it did- and I'm in so much pain- and I feel so sad like someone's died, and now I'm- Father Benjamin is sending me away- he told me that I'm filthy for what I've done- that I don't belong here." Your words are muffled by your choked sobs and Edward's skin, but they're still comprehendable.

Edward's arms wrap around you and he holds you far tighter than you've ever been held before. As much as he tries to stifle his sobs, you can hear him crying too, which breaks your heart right in half. "You're not filthy. You're such a sweet girl" His broken voice barely manages out. "My sweet girl. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." He weeps into your shoulder, "I don't understand- you don't deserve this."

Despite having gone through one of the most traumatic events your body can naturally put itself through, somehow your heart seemed to ache more for Eddie- for as long as you could remember he had been your everything. Your oldest friend- at times even your only friend. You knew you were young but, you were certain you'd never feel this way for someone again. You let out a hysterical weep into his shoulder, stinging your throat as the high-pitched noise moves through your strained vocal cords. The sound of your cry only makes Edward hold you tighter, letting out a soft, soothing "shhh" between his lips.

"Eddie?" You sniffle.

"Yes?"

"You know, whenever I can't sleep at night, I just- I think about you- about you and I- about us. I imagine us all grown up and happy, and in love- and god it's so cheesy, it's so embarrassing- but it makes me so happy- and I- I just want you to know I won't ever let go of that fantasy." You continue to cry into his shoulder, your tears soaking the fabric of his shirt. "I'm going to love you forever Eddie, until I die, I swear."

"Me too Y/n," His breath is warm against the skin of your neck, as he exhales, "Forever."

You lift your head from where it lies on Edward's shoulder, your entire face is now red and puffy, and your head throbs from all of the water you've lost today through your eyes alone. Edward's head rises as well, and you both look at each other through teary eyes. Edward's hands come up to hold either side of your face, wiping away your tears with his thumb.

He still looks so beautiful, even as his face is stricken with unimaginable grief, his eyes red and puffy under his crooked glasses, and his nose irritated and runny.

"God, who's going to fix your hair- and your glasses when I'm gone. You're going to look like a mess!" You try to laugh through the tears, lifting up your hands to straighten out his glasses.

"When you're gone it won't matter if I look a mess since I won't have anyone I want to look nice for." Edward gives you a weak chuckle.

"Oh Eddie," You sigh, giving him a frown, "I love you so much."

"I love you too Y/n."

After a long shared glance through teary eyes Edward presses his lips to yours, and you savor the taste, knowing this could very well be one of the last times you ever feel his lips on yours.

-

You're pulled from your somber thoughts by the sound of heavy boots shuffling behind you. You take in a sharp inhale, the tears that were forming in your eyes seem to desiccate almost instantly.

"You came." A muffled voice says from behind you. Your body goes stiff and you suddenly lift up your back, fixing your posture at the familiar voice. The Riddler.

You spin around on your heels, and there he is standing not but a few feet away. You're spellbound from the moment your eyes turn upon him, he's real- and he's in front of you. As scary as he came off in his videos, he was much more intimidating in person, only a vague outline of a person with nearly no sign of animate life aside from his piercing green eyes that look to be staring right through you. He's taller than you expect, even from a distance he appears to tower over you.

You can barely manage a breath out, strained, you try your best, "Of course I did." Your words only barely muffled by the fabric of your mask.

"There's no need to be nervous." He steps closer, "I only bite those with bitter blood."

You shake your head, and clasp your now clammy hands together behind your back, "No, I'm not worried about being hurt." You respond, awestruck, looking up at him with big eyes full of adoration, "You're just- you've inspired me so. I can't believe I'm here with you."

He lets out a chuckle that goes on for just a little too long, and is just a little too animalistic.

"I appreciate the flattery- but it's you I should be thanking, for your devotion, for your dedication to making a change." The way he speaks is nearly theatrical, it's almost identical to the same histrionics he exhibits in his videos.

"Father Benjamin needed to be taken care of, you helped me recognize that."

"Good." He lets out a long exhale, "We will unmask that vermin together then."

You nod.

The Riddler is now finally standing right in front of you. He takes a moment to look you up and down with a careful eye, his intense gaze sending shivers down your spine. You attempt not to squirm under his gaze, a task which you find difficult from the overwhelming power he exudes alone. As he looks you can quickly see a glimmer of something in his eyes before it fades away and you're left questioning what it is that he saw that made him perk up like that.

"Now, I must ask, if we are to unmask the man, do you have any personal grievances with the father? Outside of his, greedy nature."

You swallow harshly, wondering if you should tell him,

"I do- but it's not necessarily something I want out."

"Then why are we doing this if not to air our grievances? If the Father has done something corrupt it is the right of the citizens of Gotham to know!" The Riddler becomes agitated, his sudden change of tone frightens you, and most of all you worry you'll disappoint him.

"Okay, okay." You nod, "I just- I haven't told anyone this since it happened."

"No one needs to know it was you, that's the best part about wearing a mask- the truth won't come back to bite you. Go on, spill." He urges with a forceful tone in his voice.

You looked up at The Riddler, your heart beating wildly as you prepared to tell this strange man the most intimate details of your life, getting ready to say the words you'd barely even said to Edward at the time. With a nervous swallow you began,

"When I was 16..." You began, "My- uh- my boyfriend who was also an orphan he- he got me pregnant. And I guess I um- before I realized I was even pregnant- I guess I- I miscarried-" You could feel the tears beginning to form in your eyes, threatening to roll down your cheeks with even the slightest movement. "It was early on, only a few weeks so it was nothing brutal but- both the clergy and I found out when I woke up having bled through my sheets. And Father Benjamin, having decided I was unclean for having premarital sex, sent me to some, god, some crazy religious boarding school- and I never saw my boyfriend or any of my friends again." You're no longer looking at the Riddler, instead, your eyes are down at your feet as you fit your lip between your teeth, trying not to cry.

Suddenly you feel a pair of hands on your cheeks, catching you off guard.

"Y/n?" He asks. The sudden mention of your name catches you even more off guard than him touching you. Your stomach throws itself for a loop as you fling your head up. In between the mask and his big thick glasses you can barely tell that his eyes are wet, as if he's about to cry. You stare into his eyes just a little harder, and your jaw drops, It couldn't be.

"Edward?" You suck in a breath, on the verge of tears. Both of The Riddler's hands move back a little to remove the loops of your mask from behind your ears, gently lifting it off your face,

"It is you," His voice is somehow both breathy and breathless. Suddenly, you're taking off the Riddler's glasses, no warning given to him, before flinging off his thick green mask.

His face is still obfuscated by the cling wrap that surrounds his head, but you can tell who it is.

"Edward." You say, this time as a statement as you're clawing at the cellophane on his face. You toss the broken plastic wrap aside, and the two of you stare at each other with heavy glances for a moment. He looked more or less the same as he did when he was younger, he still had those soft round cheeks and gentle stare. His hair was shorter now than it was when you'd grown up with him, now that he could probably afford a haircut. He was still perfect, still Eddie.

You're acutely aware of how quickly your chest rises and falls, "I thought I was never going to see you again." You choke.

"S-so you didn't forget about me." His gloved hand caresses your cheek, and you feel at peace under his touch. Even after all these years, even knowing he's a fucking serial killer he's just as warm.

"No." You shake your head, "I- I think about you every single day." You feel a tear begin to slip down your cheek, which Edward quickly brushes away.

"I do too- hey- is it okay if I kiss you?" His demeanor is suddenly different from that when he's behind the mask. He's timid, soft-spoken, just as he'd been as a boy.

"That's all I've wanted for the last 12 years."

Edward's lips pressed against yours, and you kissed back instantaneously. His lips moved hesitantly at first, working their way back into the motions. It had been so long, but at the same time, it had seemed just yesterday that you and Edward had shared your last kiss. You felt moved to pinch yourself, just to make sure you hadn't gotten caught up in one of your many fantasies or daydreams. Nothing in your life had ever felt this good as this simple kiss. 12 years of what felt like nothing but pain, and grief simply just, slipped away while your lips melted into Eddie's.

Not really wanting to break the kiss, still, you pulled away in pure disbeleif.

"I should have known it was you," You let out a small, breathy chuckle, "Oh, who else could it have been?" You shook your head in disbelief that it ever took you this long to realize who the Riddler was. Edward chuckled slightly,

"You think it's fitting?" He asks with a smile, that same smile you'd been so desperate to see for years now.

"The Riddler..." You start, a grin appearing on your face, "it's, perfect. Perfect for you Eddie." You start to stutter a little, "I think- I think I'm just- I'm so glad we've finally stood up for yourselves- you gave me the courage to stand up for myself. Even if I... didn't really know it was you."

"You've been through so much," Edward shakes his head before caressing your cheek with his thumb, "I'm so proud of you, I've always been so proud of you."

You sniffle a little at Edward's proclamation, after all the hell you've put up with your entire life, it was all worth it just to hear Eddie utter those words.

Realizing you still had Edward's glasses in your hands, you slipped them back on over his nose, adjusting them so they were straight. Simultaneously, the two of you let out a small laugh, the action reminding you of old times.

"You know, Eddie," You exhale, "Whenever I can't sleep at night, I still think of us, now all grown up, happy, and in love. I told you I'd never let go of that fantasy." You shake your head as another tear slips down your cheek, "I never let go, I could never even try to fight it. I still love you so much."

"Y/n, you're the only person who's ever told me you loved me. And as strange as it sounds, I wouldn't change that for the world. I've never wanted to be loved by anyone that wasn't you."

You admit, your heart stings a little at his admission, but a selfish part of you enjoys it that way, unwilling to share Eddie with anyone.

"And you're the only person I've ever meant it to when I've said 'I love you."

Edward gives you a tight lipped smile, the corners of his mouth extending so far up you're afraid they might leave his face.

"I love you too Y/n, more than you could ever believe- you're why I do this- all the pain, and hurt this city has caused you- all the nights you stayed up cold and crying, you deserved so much better."

"We deserved better, Eddie, we."

Edward agreed with a nod before the two of you found yourselves with your lips interlocking again. You grabbed each side of his face with your hands before the kiss deepened slightly and you found them sliding up to his hair, gently pulling at the strands, eliciting a soft groan from him. Edward's hands moved from your cheeks to your waist, pulling you into him.

In a small act of desperation, you found yourself pressing your front against Edward as your tongue slipped into the kiss. You whined slightly as Edward playfully pinched your side before pulling back, out of breath and needy, "Please, Eddie," You whimper, "I need you."

tags (blue could not be tagged): @chaiteaandromedaa - @virginhore @ghoulsgraveyard @mommy-maia @sapphicandserendipityyy @crabravee @mothgutz-cos @babyhoneystvles @moo-is-tired @bloodypantomine

a/n: OHHHHH BOY THAT WAS A LONG ONE... I HOPE YOU ENJOYED AND, IF YOU WOULD LIKE (which I highly recommend) PLEASE LOOK AT pt2 which is out, as we speak (right now!!!!)