#then more cos i remembered what i talked abt in therapy

[irl]

ive had a shit awful day and the cherry on top was spraining my ankle just now

who wants to cashapp me like forty bucks so i can buy me some 🍃 greens and smoke myself silly till i pass out lol

[homieswithhades]

you're one of the few i follow who talks about bucky and so here i am once again in your inbox because the whole way the MCU has approached bucky is just not it. you know? they wrote themselves in a hole. they don't know how to respond exactly with his popularity as a character and no homo'd his most important relationship so hard they're two dudes chilling in two different timelines because it's not gay. the whole 'made amends' thing is just wrong and terrible. bucky didn't do anything wrong! hydra did. hydra used him and yet the narrative has placed it on his shoulders. i enjoyed tfatws but i think there were quite a few odd character writing choices.

hiya !! lovely 2 see u in my inbox again <33

(two bros chilling in 2 different timelines cos theyre not gay killed me bdw)

oh 100% bucky has been mishandled by marvel, i wanna say since the very end of cacw. catfa bucky was splendid and amazingly written, super in character, like That's My Bucky.

catws bucky was obviously brainwashed but (even tho the russos had their grimy little hands on this one) again, amazingly written and handled esp thanks to seb.

it starts to go a little awry at the end of cacw. it was fine when bucky said "i dont know if im worth all this steve" nd steve replies "what you did all those years, it wasnt you. you didnt have a choice" bc this. THIS was the perfect way to be handling buckys trauma. and steve was the ONLY person who could do that. im sorry, but not even sam, whos a licenced councellor, could do that for bucky. the first red flag was before bucky went into cryo and NONE of his fears/feelings were dealt w beforehand. he just goes "i cant trust my own mind" and yoink into the freezer he goes! cacw wasnt terrible w handling bucky, but it did waste a lot of potential with discussing and exploring his character and what he went through. probably bc wuhhh a man cant have FEELINGS and GOD FORBID he show and express them in a HEALTHY WAY in a superhero movie !! (that should have been averngers: civil war, bdw. marvel u actually owe us ca:serpent society)

black panther end credits. what the fuck. is all im gonna say. russos overdosed on how can we make this guys "road to recovery" LOOK like its going like pure shit but not explain why, how, when, who and where.

infinity was a sorta a fucking joke iwel. there were some good parts like the steve and bucky reunion eg. "not bad, for the end of the world" (gives me catfa vibes 😭) and "steve?" being the last words bucky said before being dusted, ik bucky wasnt supposed 2 be the focus in this movie but the fact that they made him fight again after he was supposedly "cured" (see: "semi-stable 100 year old man") was cruel and lacked the exploration it needed to justify it.

endgame is self explanatory. shit movie all-round, pain for everybody in the audience!! it was more of a mishandling of steve rather than bucky, but if we're talking abt bucky specifically, he was more neglected than mishandled. not being bothered to do his metal arm? not showing us the convo he supposedly had with steve before he left? not showing us his reaction to steves joe biden cosplay? horrible. terrible, couldn't have gone worse. once again, seb did ALL the heavy lifting. he is 99% of buckys character.

all of this doesn't even take into account steve and buckys relationship. they are the absolute focal points of each other’s characters, and it was all not just swept under the rug, but the floor was then set on fire, the room burnt to a crisp, the house demolished and then launched into oblivion.

and now to adress what u actually asked, tfatws. i also enjoyed it, but that doesnt mean i think PERSONALLY that it was well written (and thats okay). i do understand it was supposed to deal w sam more than bucky, which it did, but if im being brutally honest, tfatws bucky didnt.... feel like bucky..... which isnt to say seb didnt do a good job, bc he carried what was left of buckys character from the writing, but it was like watching the wrong shoe being put on the correct foot, if that makes sense. bucky was treated like the bad guy, stoic and pissy. "guy with a staring problem", comic fucking relief. govt mandated therapy, constant dismissal, and being thrown back into a fights without it being acknowledged why first. i have no issue w characters who want to keep fighting regardless of trauma (see: john watson) but they NEED the verbal acknowledgement AND the right support system for that plot to be acceptable and sustainable. tfatws did none of that. they reduced bucky to Cap's sidekick again (even tho he wasnt steves sidekick, it feels like he is sams imo pls dont kill me 😭). none of what should have been dealt with was dealt with, because marvel tried to solve literally global, macro-scale problems without even acknowledging the ones at home.

as sweet and technically good the ending of tfatws was, it was badly writtten, at least for bucky. marvel will never climb out of the hole, to use your words, they wrote themselves into, because of 1) the thanos storyline, snap and blip (what the fuck marvel, genuinely) 2) timeline bullshit and 3) steve leaving.

its almost like his actual character development was put on hold for tfatws. it'll be forever up in the air, with no real closure, unless everything and more that i talked about is mentioned. he'll never have the ending he actually deserves.

please do remember, characters are supposed to have arcs, not 90 degree descents into the fucking ground.

[fairycosmos]

girlies do you all agree that like... someone being in love with us seems so unrealistic and almost unreachable? i am always so amazed and shocked how ppl talk so calmly abt all the partners they have had when i am like... how do you even find someone to love you where and how does that happen and how do you turn into someone other than just a funny comedic bro friend you know... i am not trying to be all depressing or fishing for compliments but i GENUIENLY cant imagine anyone ever loving me just because it seems so far away and unreal. i have had a boyfriend one time and i didnt even know him i just didnt want to reject him and like. i was so scared of the intimacy and i was so overwhelmed that i hid in the bathrooms in school and refused to look into his eyes whenever we did talk like 💀 i feel like i am not made to love and be loved you know

plz this is so :(( i just wanna hug you. also i completely know what you mean and i think a lot of ppl do. i have never understood ppl who just fall in and out of relationships. i’ve only ever officially dated one person too - but i never fell in love w him and i think i was just doing it out of societal pressure or to prove to myself i could. i was JUST thinking about this the other day when i was laying in bed. how i just couldn’t fathom someone laying here with me and actually enjoying it. it looks so natural for everyone else but if someone put their hand on my shoulder or looked at me up close i think i’d cut them out of my life. i don’t know how i handled it in the past. i feel like dating me would be such an honest to god disappointment - and that someone would only ever do it if they were settling lmfao. i would feel so bad that they’d have to see me and put up with me? and not get anything in return. like i’d be such an embarrassment and there’s no way around it. i’m a void of a person with nothing to give anyway. plus it’s just so much work to be vulnerable when there’s no guarantee or even high chance it’ll last. and how do you even meet anyone in the first place besides dating apps? how does love even start or how is the protentional for it found?

there are a few things i like to keep in mind when i get overwhelmed by this. the first is that all of your problems with love are internal, but actually nurturing a loving bond with someone is both internal and external because half of it comes from some place outside yourself. outside all your own issues. what i’m saying is others don’t see you or your emotional difficulties the way you do. your self hatred has you convinced you’re unlovable and i’m sure that is deeply rooted and comes from a multitude of factors in your life and your past, but it is not an absolute truth. it may have felt like one since you were a kid, but it is not. the trick of it is to make you believe you are. it has to make you believe because it’s not a fact in the first place. you weren’t born shying away from love, you learned to, and you can unlearn the impulse as well. honestly everyone reads each other differently, everyone sees each other in a new way. you have never seen or perceived yourself in a moment of relaxed happiness, when you’re talking about your interests, when you’re joking around with someone. but everyone else has. there’s nothing inherently wrong about you. you just have a very limited viewpoint of who you are and what your presence could mean to people. the second thing i like to remember is that there is literally no rush. it is so so much more common than you think to remain single up to your late 20s and beyond. i know it seems like the whole world has someone but it doesn’t mean they’re fulfilled or happy either. we live in a relationship and sex obsessed society, and i really feel like most of us wouldn’t date so quickly if we didn’t constantly feel like we had something to prove or that something was missing from inside of ourselves. it is much healthier to go with the flow and to let whatever will be, be. the third thing is that you are a whole person on your own. there are so many different types of love in this world and romantic is just a slither of the greater picture. obviously it’s entirely natural to crave that type of intimacy, but it is not something you will crumble without. it doesn’t make or break your life. it is much simpler and easier to let it find you cause it will, when you feel capable of seeking it out. i think you may have been uncomfortable in past relationships because you just weren’t ready, and that’s totally fine. you can yearn for love and still recognize that you may not be emotionally prepared to take on a relationship just yet, those experiences can co exist imo. i think it’s all just a matter of idk. patience and self love is whats coming to mind for you.

idk if therapy or talking to someone about why you feel this way is available to you but if so, or if it ever is, i would really recommend it. i know that may seem like a big step and super nerve wracking but it’s important to examine who or what made you feel this way in the first place. then you can begin dismantling those beliefs and building your life around being your own friend rather than your own worst enemy. i know that’s a lot, it’s just something to consider for the future. anyway you are good!! you are lovable!! you were born with an inherent worth that hasn’t disappeared just cause you can’t see it at the moment!! and i’m sure you’d say the same about other ppl, so it applies to you too. sending you a lot of love. which you will take on bc guess what :^) ur capable of feeling and giving all forms of love. even if it takes a long time for you to really learn how to do so in a way that you’re compatible with. mwah x

[lost-boys-chapter]

ok I'm here with my lukewarm thoughts !!

- shallan and adolin splitting up ?? tbh I know a lot of us were like... how are they gonna get back to the tower in time for the contest so will they just be sidelined which ik was cleared up in the preview chapters, but now it def feels like shallan is taking a lead role w renarin and rlain but adolin will not be super important in this book. I was kind of hoping that we'd see more of the arc between him and maya but I think that's unlikely if he's not Paired Off with anyone. that might be a good sign for his survival though seeing as he's far too beloved to sideline for most of the book and then kill off. hopefully.

- sigzil AND venli mentioned in the description?? in the same sentence?? what world have I entered into?? I'm glad branderson isn't sidelining the listeners entirely but I'm very confused as to why these two were chosen to pair off together. I've not read sunlit man but I know in it allegedly sig talks about making a huge mistake and I don't think that bodes well for him if he's a major character in this book. tbh I feel like he's one of those characters who's minor enough that he can develop into a lot of things so I'm concerned. also interesting that they're fighting on the shattered plains. could def b a bit of a thematic callback to twok. hopefully we get to see a bit of leshwi if there's gonna be a listeners focus here aswell?

- don't have much to say about the in-laws hangout that is shallan, renarin and rlain other than I am excited for it. ive never super understood why everyone loves renarin so much but I'm hoping we'll see him more in this book (as I believe a wob confirmed?) so I can finally join the renarin fan club. the ba-ado-mishram/recreance mystery being solved is one thing I'm looking forward to in this book too.

- I'm absolutely fascinated by the mental image of kaladin not only giving szeth, the most fucked up mortal we know, therapy, but also giving therapy to ishar, the most fucked up immortal we know. like. he only just invented it this feels a bit ambitious. however the idea of those three sitting in a circle group therapy session wise makes me giggle.

- speaking of I'm so excited for the shinovar roadtrip!! it's like the only part of this book we've had advance warning about so I've had time to get hyped over it. kaladin and szeth feels like a dangerous combo but I hope they come out of this not only alive but also friends. it would make my year brando, please.

- we've had too many mentions of the spiritual realm already for it not to play a big role in this book. interesting that both shallan & co and the bondsmiths seem interested in it, albeit for separate reasons. I presume this means the shallan arc will happen before the contest arc or vice versa bc otherwise it feels very convenient that everyone just remembered this third realm exists. I have a super strong gut instinct that someone is gonna try to use the spiritual realm to change the past and get refuted in a very 'journey before destination' kind of way. no evidence for this just pure vibes. other than that we alr know that ba ado mishram is trapped there from the preview chapters so we'll def be going there atleast once. I find it very funny that this wasn't theorised abt at all bc we all just assumed it was inaccessible but why would brandon not throw a spanner in the works

- kind of forgot where we left off with jasnah except she killed a guy and is dating an immortal. hope she's slaying it and continues to slay it. excited to see her in this book now that I've decided I actually like her

- tbh, I feel like the part of the book I'm least interested in is the contest. like. it will be very cool and I have no doubt that brando will pull it off but there's only so many ways that can go and many many possibilities for everything else that I'm 👀👀

- in other news, I've calculated that if I read 2.72 chapters every day from now until december 6th, I will finish rhythm of war in time for kowt. that feels... unachievable, but we're gonna try!

it concerns me that I have this much to say over three paragraphs of text. im worried that when the actual book comes out I'll have to put it down at the end of every page to spend 15 mins making a tumblr post. however in the meantime if yall have thoughts on my thoughts or other takes I would v v much love to hear them bc I love talking about the cosmere !

I'll have more 2 say later but I'm literally VIBRATING at work over the wind and truth description. the description. lord help me when the actual book begins to drop

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

hehe glad i could make you laugh, oooh that sounds awesome! yeah id love to be tagged it sounds great :)

YES the differences are so fucking weird. like, they do know they're the same age right? i feel like its just an exagguration of how much the persons role in the group matters, like we see chan being held up as such a mature, old leader while jungkook who is literally the same age, is still babied etc. like enha hyung line is basically the same age (if a bit younger) as chenle and jisung but somehow the rules are different?? as you point out, still legal but still bizarre. hehe yeah, i mean where else are we going to rant? quora lol. mmm, hopefully more people can just write less smut abt people who are barely adults

ah, no prob it didnt take long. yeah i think thats right (i keep forgetting you know my url lol) mmhmm :( i think if that happened irl there would be some major trauma going on. knock wood it never happens to you or me lol (/hj)

hehe same! oooh glad Redemption For Cheese was realised! yess we cant rllycomplain that theyve written/produced too much good music lol. yeah, ive dragged him into being a stay so *dusts hands off* mission accomplished. mmm yeah, they tend to have a certain vibe but tbh it couldve worked if they were any other group but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ahh ur one step ahead of me on the stages of listening to ssick i think, still not convinced but thats okay! hehe, it had to be said. yesss the itch in the back of my brain is very satisfied by sorry i love you, felixs vocals deserve to be appreciated! (side note i feel like hes trying to sing more like his speaking voice, sorta husky, but tbh i wouldnt be mad if he sang like in glow, his sweet honey vocals made my life lol. but i think ive heard him say he doesnt like singing like that cos it makes his normal voice less husky, so what can you do)

> YES SOMEONE SAID IT. seungmin rap KING, he sped thru that rap like it was nothing, he deserves more rap lines. i do like how they gave minho some melodic rap lines this comeback, my guy deserved to show off those skills that made him not be eliminated (flashbacks to stay collectively wanting to murder jyp) and we already know changbin can sing, my man murdered masked singer. hyunjin can obviously sing as can jisung and felix, and i want to hear chan rap more! i feel like he started as part of 3racha (as a rap unit not producing) and then just became a vocalist (which im fine with, but it could be nice to hear him flex his rapping skills) and was partially replaced by hyunjin. anywayyy

back to album talk. lmaooo sad music to twerk to PERFECTLY describes silent cry. yes secret secret is and will always be, a masterpiece. hehe glad i could make you laugh :) i just felt like they have similar vibes. putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised. oh my beloved track, red lights. ahh thats okay, we can have different opinions, but by god the lyrics are *chefs kiss*. *banging on table* TWISTED AU TWISTED AU TWISTED AU. yess id love to see ur take on it! sdfghjkl it would have been glorious

no no! not stupid, just able to predict my brainwaves. ooooh thats so cool! makes me want to go there (wherever there is lol) yeah the waves are pretty good here, but none of my familys a surfer, so we dont rlly enjoy the full potential lol. YES moving on to gone away, it is indeed a heartwrenching track, but the vocals and the bloody key change? makes me want to brave being sad just to listen to it. mmm yeah, good point :( i feel like ive just gotten used to overthinking so much so that it doesnt matter what mood im in, ill do it anyway, so might as well just do what i feel like doing anyway.

yeah i think ur right! it is quite comforting knowing that all the tracks will get the love they deserve. i feel like also people assume kpop is just one genre which is utter bs. there are so many different vibes and feels and songs, i couldnt get into kpop (of which i thought only the bright cheerful present day bts stuff existed smh) until i heard gods menu so... idk where i was going with this but yeah. :)

YES FUCK YG, theyre literally on the brink of being kicked out of the big three and they are holding their salvation hostage without letting them do ANYTHING. idek what thought process goes thru their minds but arghhh its so infuriating. yess lisa's cb will be awesome but ot4 is the gold standard here.

hehe, glad u could get to this point. no no! u dont sound like a cult member at all lol yeah, i loooove some of their songs but the whole 23 members thing is getting to me. thats prob a common problem with nctzens but what can i say? im a simple girl with a limit to how many korean boys i can give my money to. atm im just trying to get into ateez and finish memorising enhypen's faces. also kard is kinda sucking me into their fandom atm, as well as eric name lol. ah what can you do? ooh thats good!

hehe i love it too! its exactly like online penpals, that was rlly well put. aww ty! hmm im okay, recovering from a bad case of rsv so thats fun. im doing okay mentally, starting therapy soon (after having to convince my mother that its not just smth i can brush off). physically i wont go into, basically i should be doing stretches to help but they dont completely fix it so my lazy ass doesnt do them, plus i got told recently im going to be stuck with this condition for the rest of my life so thats fun! ah, before you type smth dw abt me ill be fine. the weather atm is cloudy but warm, its been raining on and off today which is good for the garden. uhh i just finished reading sunburnt veils and im in the middle of prom theory which is rlly good. ummm ive got a concert tonight? that i may or may not be able to sing in (bc of the whole rsv thingo) and uhhhh idk. my dog is cute? im drinking tea rn? ive got a school dance coming up?

wbu? hows ur day going, how are you? whats the weather like on ur end? done anything interesting lately? found smth that makes you rlly happy? just any random thing youve been dying to tell someone?

no no! dont apologise, i love these exchanges. i think im happy to continue them for a long time :) on the other hand, if you get tired of them, feel free to just not answer at any time. goodness gracious this was a long ask haha hope it isnt too annoying

<3 w.a. 🐺

sorry it took me a bit to reply, i was fixing my theme ;n;

yeah, i figured it was because of the roles too. my friends and i still get taken aback when 3rd gen idols are the same age as 4th gen ones. in my head it doesn't add up sometimes. PLS THE RANT AT QUORA SKJDK tbh tho it's just going to be normalized as the years pass? esp that the boys are growing older and the amount of explicit fics will just increase. i might have to start blocking tags.

i had to look up the previous ask to remember what we were talking about xd i hope the events in champagne problems never happens to anyone. realistically, it probably happens a lot. damn i really won't wish that pain on anyone. dragging your brother into being a stay i whEEZED JFKSA additional noeasy music enthusiast o.o and ALL I CAN SAY WITH YOU GUSHING ABT FELIX IS AHA WHIPPEEEED OML can't blame you tho, i also want to hear felix sing more in other shades (if that makes sense HAHA) i really hope they'll do the role exchange in the next comeback :( or like in the near future bc i know they can do it :( the day i hear seungmin rapping it i will respectfully pass away. minho was given more lines this comeback thank fUCK i could rmb my irl being vocal abt her frustration. i don't get why minho barely has center time/lines in title tracks??? like the line distribution in the past eras just made me ???? if seventeen can balance lines with 13 members why cant a group of 8 do the same? moving on. i haven't watched the stray kids show simply bc i don't want to cry HAJS but i've seen clips. imagine if skz debuted without minho and felix?!?!? i rmb another irl catching bias feels towards changbin bc of the masked singer only to find out that the man's a rapper. i love how skz's vocals were highlighted this comeback :c there were a lot of mellow tracks! i find it cute when chan sings/raps bc it gets kinda obvious that he's a foreigner? the accent (im not even sure if it's the accent) it just shows. "putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised." CORRECT.

abt the twisted au o.O i'll inquire my irl if she wants to write it or not. if she doesn't want to, i'll do it. i miss writing twisted aus <3___<3 and i also miss going to the beach with my friends :' ) but it's starting to get cold here and i don't think i'll be able to enjoy the beach as much as i would if i went beaching in the summer. so maybe next summer? gone away really has an sm-ballad vibe. the thing about skz being a self-producing group, their songs don't sound like typical jype songs? and i just appreciate that bc in all honesty im not a fan of jyp groups at all. PLS the overthinking. i wish i could mute overthinking.

anyone who assumes kpop is just one genre obv hasn't listened to a single track. if kpop was just one genre why do i like some tracks more than the others??? oh you've only recently become a kpop stan? tbh im not a fan of the bright songs of bts either. i liked their older ones *chefs kiss* really matched high school vibes. yg has good artists and they're just wasting the talent ~.~ that strategy they have will get tiring eventually. people will stop waiting on blackpink and move on to newer more active groups ://

HAHAHAH yeah the 23 members is pretty overwhelming! it was the reason i didn't bother stanning before quarantine started. i don't regret stanning tho, met my ult bias in that group <3___<3 i don't really purchase albums unless i like the tracks xd ohhh getting into ateez just in time for the comeback! let me know what you think about them! i was fond of them at some point but grew out of it. good luck with memorizing enhypen! it took me a while to distinguish to people there XD i haven't checked out kard yet but chan plays their songs during lives and they're sexc hype music me likey *u*

i had to look up rsv im sorry. i'm glad you're recovering! please rest more and don't stress yourself out. bro i wish i could go to therapy too bc i have weird issues i can't justify and i need a professional to tell me what's the reason behind it. stuck with what condition btw? what happened? i'm sorry in case i just forgot. yesterday was a bit rainy for me too :(( it's not the type of rainy that makes me anxious so B) oh concert! good luck and i hope you'll be able to sing but i also don't think it's best for you rn :c what's your dog's breed? and yes i just finished drinking tea too. AAAAA i miss school dances :(( the last one i was supposed to have was cancelled bc of covid.

i was less productive today and i'm teetering between being mentally stable and becoming a hermit again. i'm anxious with a lot of things atm so like : D not the best state. today it was a bit sunny but not hot hot which was nice. i changed my theme today bc i couldn't wait for sept. 1st. and no i haven't found anything that makes me happy HAHAHA shit like that's hard to identify. don't have anything to say too, i'm just thinking about why i'm procrastinating too much atm T_T and i'm listening to this rap song atm and one of the rappers sounded like han.

it isn't annoying! i enjoy the long exchanges but i do admit it takes me awhile to type down a reply. so if i get more busy, it'll prolly take a bit longer for me to reply.

[imaginesilenthill]

Omg yeah I feel that abt silent hill 2… like yeah it was good!! But every time I talk to someone about silent hill they’re always like omg two is my favorite two is my favorite blbllb. And I totally respect that people have their preference and favorites! I don’t look down on anyone for that! But it just. Gets redundant. And then they kind of forget about the other silent hill games and it makes me pretty sad. I think the fact that it didn’t have much to do with the order kind of put me off. I’d label SH2 more as a spin off than a main game tbh. Also I hate James lol. OH AND ANOTHER THINg!! Someone who’s into dbd made a post about Heather saying she has like no personality and that she’s (jokingly) a terrible woman who ruins everything (something about dbd power ups, I don’t know I didn’t play the game) but it just INFURIATED ME CUZ HEATHER WAS A VICTIM!!! and she has SO much personality in the third SH game! I don’t even know if they played it smfh. I’d honestly, without any bias, say that she has a wider range of emotions than any of the other silent hill protags, she was written beautifully… I’m just mad that the dbd devs added her in DBD after ALL the suffering she went through as Alessa, not being able to live her life as Cheryl, being on the run from the Order her whole life, losing her loving dad and then killing ugly ass God… AND THEN in the dbd universe it was just. All for nothing. Now she’s in purgatory forever??? Hideous. Just hideous. Then P head is there. Wtf????? Masahiro Ito said his damn self that PHead is James’ monster and that he hates how PHead is just a cash cow for everything that’s SH. My god. My friend was like “dbd can’t add James with pyramid head because they don’t add two monsters at a time” LMFAOOOOO. But honestly, considering In Water or Rebirth, either of those could have led james into the Entity’s Realm I think. But since he killed ahem, you know who, I doubt the dbd devs wanted to stir up any controversy. Also I think all the survivors would kill him. SLIGHT SPOILER FOR ANYONE HERE WHO HASNT PLAYED SH3>>>: after you know who dies, Heather later is in the other world and there’s a room that she notes looks exactly like his. And on the bed is his notebook… and on the floor are bloody footprints walking away from the bed… it makes me think… is he now in purgatory? I mean of course i assume it was just the SH crew adding their typical psychological stuff, <<<END SPOILER. but it makes me think… what if he was in DBD? But who would be his monster? Not god obviously. Smfh. It just made me think. Also there’s that twisted fucking psycle path K Pop star (he’s cute) and he is obviously a human… so it kind of made me come up with a funny idea… imagine WALTER in DBD!! I think it would be so funny if he appeared in a match, and all the survivors are like huh, there are five survivors here, who’s the new guy? Then they see his gun, and he aims it at them. And they’re like oH SHIT—!!!! Also idk If you got my old ask but apparently SH2 takes place in the late 70s/early 80s and I have this whole thing pondering the timeline, if you still have that you can post it, I think I was anon at the time. SORRY FOR THE LONG ASS RANT. ALSO ON FB FOR SOME REASON IT SHOWED ME YOUR RECENT POST WHERE YOU GOR YOUR DEGREE OR SOMETHING, CONGRATS DEAR!! (We follow each other on Instagram so I think that’s how I saw ur post? Sorry if it seemed invasive )

Yeah, I just... I get so exhausted with the SH2-purist side of the fandom and I think that exhaustion bleeds into James. I don’t get people’s affection for him, in the same way I don’t get why people look at Actual Serial Killer Ted Bundy and go “Yeah, he’s hot.” Like, dude, no. James killed his wife because he couldn’t take the strain of being a caretaker, missed the “spark” from Mary before she was sick, knew she could probably never get it back, and felt like she was suffering. And instead of going to therapy, getting therapy with her, literally anything else, James decided he was going to booze it up (he talks about it in the hotel bar), kill Mary, and then have the brass balls to feel bad about it. The gross thing is that I genuinely think he did love Mary; he wouldn’t have been so torn up about her death if he wasn’t in love with her at some point. James just frustrates me as a person, because I have a partner and I love her, and the idea of killing her because she wants to die makes me ill. But sure; lets UwU at James. I would never dream of telling someone “You can’t like James because I don’t like James” but I will gladly say “It’s great that you like him, but James exhausts me emotionally.”

As for the Heather thing, I was helping to co-run SH Fogposting when that nightmare was going down. I like the idea of Heather being in DBD, since Konami isn’t doing anything with her. But her character model looks awful (par for the course in DBD, I know) and I think having anything that doesn’t belong to Behavior Interactive in the game (so all the movie monsters) is just fanfiction. I don’t count it as canon, I won’t unless someone from Team Silent says it is, and I probably won’t take DBD into account when writing unless someone specifically asks about Heather interacting with other characters in the game.

I think I got that ask, but I don’t remember knowing what to say to it beyond “Yeah, you’re right” and I wanted to save it until I had something constructive to add to it. I don’t think I will though, so I’ll probably just post it now.

(And thank youuu! It’s definitely not invasive at all! <3)

[grxceblqckthxrn]

hi @chocolatecarstairs came up with these post-CHOG questions and i really want to answer them because im sad that im finished reading it :((

MAJOR SPOILERS BELOW

what was your favorite part, 1 or 2?

Honestly I loved both parts, but I’d say I loved part two just a little bit more for the time that James wasn’t under the curse anymore and LOVED Cordelia

which scene in the book was your favorite?

EVERY scene that had Matthew and James being wholesome parabatai in it!!! my favourite chapter in this book was Blue Ruin, the one after Grace takes the bracelet back from James  (aside from the whispering room ofc).

what scene (or scenes) made you cry the most?

ok ngl i didnt spend much of this book crying, but the only scene that actually made me tear up was when james was dying and matthew could feel it and jesse (WHO I FUCKING LOVED MORE THAN I THOUGHT I WOULD) gave him his last breath :(((((

what scenes were unsatisfactory?

there were not enough Christopher scenes (but to be fair, even if the entire book was just Christopher it still wouldnt be enough for me)

but fr, i cant think of any off the top of my head but i’ll edit this if i do later

what made you laugh the most?

matthew!! james!! thomas!! christopher!! also some of the things Jesse said

what bored you?

this wasn’t boring, but the whole charles/alastair plot line didn’t have me very invested. I did love the alastair/ cordelia scenes tho, so it was just charles that was the problem

also no offense to james bc he was my first actual fictional crush after reading TMH/NBS but like whenever he talked about being in grace i would literally zone out lol the bracelet curse makes him so boring but whenever he isnt in the curse/ is with someone who is NOT grace i just!! love him!!

what disappointed you?

cassie honestly had me kinda shipping matthew/cordelia for a solid FIVE SECONDS there when he stepped in to dance with her after james left her standing there, but that was one of the only scenes that made me feel like they had natural chemistry (along with the scene where he drops her off at her house). I felt like the during the rest of their interactions in the book, cordelia was kind of uncomfortable, which made me really sad because even tho she has every right to feel that way, i felt bad for matthew. I kind of want him to fall for someone else completely and for it to be reciprocated. also, i just really want for matthew and cordelia to become good friends because i feel like they could have such great natural chemistry if matthew didnt love her.

what is the top thing you wish had been done differently?

see above.

what things did you predict that came true?

JAMES BURNING DOWN BLACKTHORN MANOR I FUCKING SAID HE WOULD DO IT TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO IF YALL WANT ME TO LINK THE THEORY LMK

what are some things that were really unexpected?

ok there’s quite a few things here so bear w me babes:

- James genuinely loving cordelia from the start. I wasn’t expecting him to naturally feel nothing for grace at all, so i was expecting a slow burn jordelia, but finding out that he actually loves her makes me so happy but the end where cordelia thinks he was just pretending breaks my heart :(((

-matthew liking cordelia lol definitely was not expecting another parabatai love triangle but i hope it doesnt last. i do think it adds to the plot and i love it, it just hurts to see matthew so emo :(((

-I was expecting to like cordelia as a character, but i ended up LOVING her so fucking much???? she’s so three dimensional to me, and it’s interesting to see how her personality adapts around different characters as people adapt around different social circles irl

-liking jesse as much as i did

-ok so james’ entire character was a surprise to me. it’s so fascinating to see how the bracelet actually affected his personality.If you recall him in The Midnight Heir from TBC. he’s like an entirely different person. i still loved him in TMH but i went into CHOG thinking that if he was gonna be like that the entire time i’d probably get over him really quickly. i was pleasantly surprised by how much i ended up loving him even more tho

-i didn’t expect oliver hayward to die and im going to stay emo about it

- Christopher is so much more clear headed than he was made out to be prior?? like there were so many scenes where he was fully there and when he defended anna to alastair i just kfdsnfkld i love him

are there characters that you didn’t like before that you like now?

yikes umm... Alastair, maybe? he’s somewhat okay to me now, I dont dislike him as much as I used to. ooh and Hypatia Vex. the only scene i remember liking her in QOAAD was when she helped out kit, ty and dru (me, going a whole TSC post without somehow mentioning kit? not possible)

are there characters that you liked before that you don’t like now?

I started CHOG ready to give Grace the benefit of the doubt, and I was surprised by how timid and shy she seemed at the start, but it was interesting to see how it was all an act and how she doesn’t have an actual personality yet. one could argue that she actually does love james, but i doubt it at this point. i dont hate her yet, even tho she IS fucking up james’ life, but she’s on thin fucking ice.

who was your favorite new character?

does new character mean completely new or just never been in a novella new? because for the first, it would be Cordelia (i LOVE her sm!!) and other wise it would be james, matthew and co. also!!! jesse!!

what places in the book would you like to visit?

that hell dimension sounds pretty lit ngl

did you like the ending?

ok so. we KNOW that jordelia is gonna be endgame. cassandra clare always takes the hardest path to get there, but when has she not delivered? it’s just a matter of waiting. so, yes, i did like the ending in sense of the plot because it was a great twist, but i also feel really bad for all of them even tho ik they’re eventually gonna be together :(((

what did you think of the epilogue?

i wasnt surprised, since we alr know that Tatiana is shady asf, but i just really wanna know how she partnered up with a GREATER demon like lol wtf. again, im really happy in terms of plot with this

what are your thoughts on the engagement?

i feel so. fucking bad. for cordelia. and james too, even tho he’s under the bracelet’s curse so he doesnt even KNOW he’s being manipulated. but i love how even through the curse, james still loves cordelia in his own way.

what did you want to see that didn’t happen?

matthew getting therapy periodt

umm honestly i just want more “merry thieves” content like i just love. all of them.

what do you wish had been resolved that wasn’t?

i really want matthew to tell james or cordelia what happened because i just need him to be loved and supported lol i want to give him a hug. 

what is your favorite pairing as of now?

jordelia!!! and lucie and jesse are kind cute rn, and i like them if theyre gonna be pining after eachother but i feel like if they actually get together i wont like the relationship as much.

which characters would you like to see more of in the next book?

CHRISTOPHER CHRISTOPHER CHRISTOPHER 

ANNA!!! i lovED reading about her she’s so badass

matthew!! jesse!! also i wanna see more of those bitchy girls lol just so we can see anna or cordelia tell them to stfu

what is one character whose death you would undo if you could?

ok i know that jesse is still very much a conscious character despite being dead but like,,, i want him to be the way he was before and also i want him to come back to life

and barbara!! she seemed so sweet 

which characters got bad/unsatisfactory endings?

ummm barbara? i cant really say much on this yet bc its still only the first book and when has the first book ever ended up with anyone being happy.

oh but also can we sign a petition to make cassie let matthew actually survive the series because my heart aches just at the THOUGHT of eventually having to read a scene where he dies

which characters got what they deserved?

literally. none of them yet. :(

who should have died but didn’t?

Tatiana lol also lowkey charles but i also feel pity him to an extent 

what plotline are you most excited to see in the next book?

okay the entire jesse plot has me hooked because i LOVE his character. also i love the bracelet plot but its making me MAD because i just want james to be happy but

what is one scene that you wish hadn’t happened, but you know was unavoidable?

THE ONE WHERE GRACE PUTS THE BRACELET BACK ON JAMES. i mean obv there was no way he was completely done with grace, but i literally got so sad at that part like why HIM of all people smfh let him be happy

which pairing do you like the least?

alastair x charles, grace x james, lucie x matthew bc neither of them actually like either imo lol

what are some theories you have for chain of iron?

- not necessarily for COI but i think matthew is gonna get exiled and turned into made into a mundane

- the bracelet will break (?)

- jesse will come back to life (like actual life) at the end of the book

-grace is gonna do something to help the main characters, making it hard for us to hate her.

what characters do you think should have gotten more plot time?

lol are yall gonna hate me if i say christopher again (also anna)

anyways this was really fun!!!!! PLEASE ASK ME STUFF ABOUT MY OPINIONS AND STUFF OR JUST SAY ANYTHING ABT THE BOOK BC IM DESPERATE TO TALK TO PPL ABOUT IT

[tylerwritez]

Tuesday, june 22 2021

I've noticed I'm getting "the shiverys" or "the twitchy" a lot today. Like every time I FEEL something I take a moment to violently tic.... every time I think about certain things I tic.... good things, bad things, things from an hour ago and things from years ago. Tic, tic, tic.

Also, I have... some stuff to explain. Its really no big deal, but you know me: I'll freak out about it anyway. Basically I dissed my friend (rightfully so) around the time that we had just met cos they did something that threw me off.

He saw it in my phone... NOW. it's not RELEVANT anymore and I've since redacted that criticism...and now I gotta explain it to him anwyays. Oh well. I'm good at this stuff. I can get myself outta any situation. I dont even know why I'm talking like this tho... it's not a "Situation" it's just smthn I gotta explain rq.

Oh, today's song recommendation is Spirit Crusher by Death. I'm a huge Death fan...

Also! I gotta study... for my replacement exam. How stressful. Its about photosynthesis, but like, it's not simple. We went DEEP inside those fucking leaves.

One sec, lemme hook up my IV tube

Not an ACTUAL IV tube... just my headphones. But since I'm so #emo, it might as well be a fucking IV tube with the way that I cant live without it.

Its 3:08 and I'm walking home now. I was upset last night but me and Star have made up now lol... it was thAt easy. I'm so defective, making shit hard when it doesnt need to be.

It's so hot out damn. Idk. I had school today, so I had Bio class... I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION for once. I had lunch with Star and her friend group, and I honestly kinda feel like they're MY friends now too, even just a little bit.

Actually, I used to rant about feeling lonely like all the time but now I have so many friends it's crazy they all keep inviting me places and it's like people WANT ME AROUND... idk. It makes me happy.

Today I gotta ask if tommroow after school I can go to Bee's house to watch Supernatural (famous homoerotic ghost show)

I should also add songs to Erin's spotify playlist for our picnic saturday which I still need permission to go to.

I gotta ask for Wednesday after school to watch Insidious with Jay  which is apparently really good

Also hes the friend that I gotta explain stuff to... the DrAmA... the ThEaTrE....

Update my dad said yes to hanging out with Bee but first I'm gonna miss school to fix my broken brackets on my braces

Also turns out the house I THOUGHT we were moving into has substantial damage from shifting so... we aRENT moving there.

In case you didn't know, shifting is when like the house that's been built literally SHIFTS like it moves around.

Anwyays Jay just texted me... I'm gonna change into shorts since it's hot, set up my study area,.... and respond to him.

The time is 3:22 p.m.

Wish me. Luck.

Luck is plentiful! As it so often is in my risky, risky life.

I play my cards right. It's a learnt skill.

But also there wasnt much to explain since it passed already and was tiny anywyas.

XD so I've made up with the whole goddamn world by now.

Its 6:31, we saw 1 house. Only one. Its kinda hot out but I'm gonna bike now since we just had supper. I finally finished my homework... I just have to finish one mixed media piece as my final project for art!

Friday is my replacement. On photosynthesis and cell resp. We know this. But what I didn't mention, or I dont THINK I did, is that if I finish my art project before then I have the second block FREE!!! Me, Star, and her friend

A are planning to leave for second block and maybe get mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Also I might eat her out XD

Anyways idk. I hope I can bike tonight to call Jay.

I keep accidentally using people's real names here then having to correct it... I dont know how much i care about MY identity being discovered... but to have my friends doxxed would suck.

Man I feel bad abt saying fuck star last night cos we made up....

Wait we r looking at another house? Idk I'm in the car still waiting to go home

Oh wait no now we r goin home

Its 6:39... I hope I still have time.

I went biking, called Jay. Went home. Idk, friendly conversation... we talked more tonight and I also talked to my other friend A. Jay is... I LOVE HIM?? SO MUCH??? I feel so happy. Talking to him thinking about him seeing his STUPID FUCKING FACE JESUS. his eyes alone... I could stare at his face all day probably. I want to kiss him... hOLD HIS HAND... omg... huG HIM!!! Eofjwpxjwie he's so sweet like I can't even... and I'm proabably not good enough for him like. Wtf. Hes easily a 10. And I dont rate things outta 10. How tf do I end up with HIM? Doing stuff, as friends. Like wHAT. I guess I got lucky XD. He says he loves my personality and I'm hot XD ofc I dont see it myself. But like. JESUS CHRIST he could proabably easily pull whOever. XD me?

Whatever though. As long as we r together and stuff. I LOVE HIM A LOT. he said he loved me. Every time he says that it makes me so overly happy.

Maybe I'm just sappy and stuff.... whatever. I think it would be nice to be hugged by him.

Yeah I'm cheesy.

I'm sorta tired now so maybe I'm not writing the best.

I just keep thinkinf about love. Love is a muscle of evil suggestion. But how evil can it really be? I am just a human being and that is all. Everything else is applied. I am just a human being with soemthing in my heart that pulls me all over the place. Love is this strange thing because I'm fucked up and to be able to love without that fucked up part of me, without the damage... is this complicated, hard thing to do and I can NEVER tell if I'm doing it right but I know I'm DOING IT. I know I FEEL LOVE. And soemtimes it's such an intense thing like when you go to surf on a wave at the beach with ur belly but u hit it wrong and it's so big and overwhelming it washes over you and PULLS you down to the bottom and smushes your face into the sand and YOU CANT BREATHE jesus Christ it's like that.

Or maybe I just want to experience love as it should be felt.

Obviously all of my problems surrounding this Damage could be easily fixed if I went to therapy but. there are reasons I can't.

I LOVE a lot. Too much for my own good. Enough to hurt me, get me into trouble, etc etc but also... enough to liberate me. I LOVE. I love Jay. So much. LIKE. MY BRAIN ORBITS AROUND HIM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF HIM AND PRAISING HIM AND MWUAH HE IS SO LOVELY I BOW BEFORE HIM...

I think as much as I love, a lot of the times I tend to focus even more on BEING loved.

If I am told I am loved, and shOwN I am loved... it is one of the most powerful things. Especially since I was literally emotionally neglected in childhood... yeah. I feel like I'm always trying to fill that hole.

Not EVERY feeling I have is for that reaosn but sometimes, if you tell me you love me, show me you love me, hug me,... I'll like start crying,,, that's the childhood emotional neglect kicking in. If you call me #smol and #cute and say I look young and fragile which happens more often than you'd think XD, I know I'm not supposed to like that shit, so I act like I dont....but I do. Which is PROBABLY ALSO THE CEN 🤪  like whatever lol

Anwyays I'm fucked up

You see how quickly things become complicated in my mind?

Convoluted? Is that the word?

Whatever. I OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS COS I OVERTHINK THEM BECAUSE I'm LITERALLY MENTALLY ILL IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I'm not joking. I obviously have unresolved undiagnosed "issues"

I do Suspect things, though.

I can make a list

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I will.

I shouldnt.

Whatever.

I used to hate when people brought up my self harm. I would actually panic. I still self harm but now? Now I'm fine with anyone  talking about it as long as it's not an adult who can get me into trouble/force me into therapy over it. Because really? I kinda like having it mentioned. It's kinda validating and it's like hey... people can see that I'm sick.

I dont do it so people talk to me about it though. Dont get me wrong. If I did, I'd go vertically on the arms, not for suicide but so it healed and people would ask XD.

My scars are actually VERY hidden... cos I never intended for ANYONE to see. But for those who DO see them,,,, it's nice soemtimes to have people express concern.

I dont wanna be PITIED or anything, but idk I just think to myself "wow, they're CONCERNED... about ME... they arent angry or mean... they didnt yell at me or threaten me... they respect my autonomy and privacy...

And they CARE ABOUT ME..." and it makes me cry.

That's also the CEN.

I dont know. I just like when people express genuine concern. Even if they see and then just ask if I'm okay. That's all it takes cos then I go wow.

Its validating and irs lovely because finally people care... FINALLY PEOPLE CARE. FINALLY I GET SOME EMPATHY OR SYMPATHY AND NO ANGER.

Even just having them brought up tells me its noticeable enough

My brain does this thing where it thinks nothing bad that's ever happened to me was Bad Enough for me to be upset about.

And I dont know... its nice sometimes to be told shit like "omg that looks so bad" or to see that people who do see my cuts are somewhat shocked or revolted... it's nice because I go... "hey, it was bad enough for them..."

Or to have people comment on them with concern. Just ANYTHINT WHERE PEOPLE NOTICE IT AND ARENT ASSHOLES ABOUT IT IS VALIDATING.

Because I'm not used to that...

Because CEN

I'm. The worst perosn on the fucking planet.

I should kill myself.

I suddenly actually feel so self hating I do want to kill myself... oh god.

I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. What have I done. Like. Why. Oh god.

I'm just remembering when Star said my kindness seemed like an act. And how I've been called out for seeming fake like 2 other times.

DO I SEEM FAKE???? I DONT EVER PUT ON ACTS OF KINDESS.... CONCIOUSLY? but the very idea that I could be perceived that way...

Should I like not try to be nice or some shit?

Jesus christ she hurts my feelings even now when it was a long time ago.

But I cant blame her. I can't blame anyone for how i feel except my parents because they left me with fucking. Heart nerve damage or some shit.

I'm tired and now I'm sad too. Goodnight guys.

[one-abuse-survivor]

hi, i was wondering if you had any advice. i moved out of my terrible situation (yay!) & now my days are lighter & so much easier. i have actually seen an improvement in my behaviour & attitude & even self esteem. but i realised i have been avoiding anything trauma-related out of fear of all those ugly emotions. my nightmares have gotten more frequent & i’ve started having flashbacks (which are not what i thought & definitely not fun). i want to see a therapist but can’t at the moment. (1)

i’m aware i’m still an overflowing fountain of unhealthy coping mechanisms and unresolved trauma but once i start thinking abt those things it’s hard to put it ‘back in the box’ and carry on. i know work has to be put into recovery & that it’s hard & awkward & messy, but i can’t do it alone & i know it’ll just fester if i shove it away and ignore it. i’m quite literally between a rock and a hard place. literally any words at all (even just acknowledgement lmao) will be appreciated, ty 💓😌 (2)

–

Hi, nonnie! First of all, I’m so proud of you for getting out of that situation and for all the improvement you’ve made, and you should be hella proud too 😊

Yeah, recovery is… hard, to say the very least. I’ve been on it for one and a half years now, and there are certain things that I still battle with everyday, things that I must have brought up to my therapist a thousand times, and things I haven’t brought up yet at all because I’m so scared I’ll have to face them if I do. But I can tell you a few things that I’ve learnt!

- Go step by step, one step at a time. When I first brought up a thousand different PTSD symptoms and unhealthy coping mechanisms to my therapist, the first thing she told me is, we can’t possibly fix this all at once, so let’s start with the most pressing issue – you can’t keep skipping meals. Which was a thing I did. So we started there; literally just with me telling myself I can’t keep skipping meals anymore every time I wanted to. This doesn’t mean I haven’t skipped a meal in one and a half years because of my PTSD, but it does mean that the days I do skip meals are now catalogued as bad days. Recovery has bad days, and during those, sometimes I still skip a meal, but now all of these days are separate from every other single day. I’m not a person who skips meals anymore. I’m a person who sometimes has bad days and struggles a bit more to eat. 

- And that applies to every other one of your symptoms. They’re not going to magically disappear one by one, but they can stop being a part of you and become just a part of the bad days you have sometimes, separate from the rest of your life. 

- How to achieve this?

- I don’t understand/remember every single step I’ve taken in my recovery process, but one thing I can tell you is that it’s okay not to think about it. It’s okay not to want to go back to all those ugly emotions. Right now, if I started making a mental list of instances where my mother abused me, I would have an anxiety attack. So I don’t. I’ve talked about this with my therapist, a while ago when I asked her what she thought of exposure therapy methods, and she told me that we already torture ourselves enough with our memories for her to put us back in that situation. It’s okay not to want to go back to those feelings. It’s okay to keep on living your life, create a routine for yourself, make friends and lead a lifestyle that doesn’t include your past trauma. You’re not avoiding anything by moving on! And if you’re worried that you’re burying things that you should probably face, I’m here to say that, in my experience, this is something that you’ll need a therapist’s help with. So there’s no shame in not knowing how to start to face these tings by yourself! As you said, you can’t do it alone!

- Which brings me to my next point: you need people in your life. When you go through trauma it’s normal to isolate yourself, to lose people along the way and lose opportunities to meet new people and to avoid social interation with the people you do know because of anxiety, fear, feeling different, not having experience… During recovery, it’s important that you slowly expose yourself to these tiny life events. Just, the next time a classmate or co-worker or a friend asks you to go for a coffee, or to watch a movie sometime, and you feel like you’d say yes if it wasn’t for fear/lack of experience/anxiety… say yes. (Don’t say yes out of obligation, though, or to do things that you don’t enjoy with people you dislike! This is about you being more and more comfortable having a normal life, not about you pushing yourself to do things/be around people that make you uncomfortable). So even if you don’t face all these giant things that are turning and turning in your mind… do face the tiny things that you feel are like small walls separating you from the rest of the world. Start with the walls that feel easiest to climb. (THIS is the kind of exposure therapy my therapist advocates for! Slowly daring to face things in life that our first insticts tell us we should avoid).

- Reward yourself when you do well, and be kind to yourself when you don’t do so well. Try to train all the voices that say bad things about you to instead say things like “today I did that chore that I’d been postponing! Yay me! I deserve some chocolate.” “Today I couldn’t do this chore! It’s not because I’m lazy; there is a reason behind my struggle. It means I’m not feeling my best right now. I’m going to rest/distract myself/do an easier chore/shower/do whatever I need to do to take care of myself right now (yes, that includes eating that chocolate too) and I’ll try again tomorrow.”

- Try not to spend too much time alone with your thoughts. Read, go out with friends, watch shows you like… fill your day and your mind with things that don’t leave you with hours ahead for you to dwell on your thoughts. Basically this takes me back to that previous point; create a routine, find things and people you like, try new things from time to time. My therapist said spending too much time alone with my thoughts only serves to trigger myself when I could be using that time to do something fun or something I need to do instead!

- It usually takes me from one to two days to completely recover from a flashback. Luckily they don’t happen so often now, because one can’t keep taking days off when they’re continuous. That being said… when you have a flashback, be kind with yourself. Drink water. Take the day slowly. Write “rest” on your to-do list so that literally one of the things for you to do that day is to just rest. Just lie in bed with your phone for a few hours. Ta-da! A to-do thing completed. Sleep plenty. Also, you know when you’re crying and people ask you if you want to talk, or if you want to go somewhere else, and instinctively you know if the answer is ‘yes’ or ‘no’? This happens to me at least; when I’m in pain, it’s like instinct takes over and I don’t need to wonder what I need–my body just tells me. Similarly, when I have a flashback, both during and after it happens it’s like my body is just asking me for things I need. Cover your face, don’t let anyone touch you, stop every noise around you are some of the common ones. And afterwards, it’s usually more like be home alone, lay in bed in the dark, don’t go out, drink water. My advice is to listen to your body. Yes, even if our trauma tells us to stay home it’s important that we jump the small walls; but having a flashback leaves you very vulnerable, and things that are usually tolerable and even enjoyable can turn into a living nightmare; from sounds and lights to having to sit through three hours of lectures to having to talk to people. So when you have a flashback, for a day, avoiding these things if you feel like it’s the best option is okay. 

That’s all I can think of right now! I hope some of this helps you at least a little bit and I hope that you are having a good day today 💗 And please, remember that your comfort and safety always come before my advice; if something I said doesn’t feel right, don’t feel like you have to do it. I’m just one person with one experience, after all! (Also if anyone reading this has their own advice, you’re more than welcome to add it to the post 😊) 

Sending you a big big hug and lots of encouragement!

[trickstarbrave]

I see some of my old posts abt this getting likes still so I did feel the need for whatever reason to post an update or rather restatement to my views on the topic

I know this is a horribly tired topic that was discoursed to hell and then left behind and for good reason so as a warning: ace discourse below

First and foremost I’m not in the business of telling ppl wholesale they don’t belong in the community. The vast majority of ace ppl are also other various lgbt identies and trying to “remove” people from the community is not a thing I’d ever advocate for nor have I really ever as far as I can remember. If I have in bad faith I would like to extend an apology bc I have bad memories problems and think those actions are wrong and harmful. If the consensus is ace ppl are lgbt then I’m not here to say everyone else is wrong and I’m the authority on lgbt identities. We are a coalition group, a mashing of communities w sometimes shared histories and experiences. Even if I think ace and aro ppl don’t have as many of those in common I don’t get to decide if they are or not. They are now and I’m more focused on making that work

Still though since it’s inception the ace community has not been a very healthy one. As at best a newer addition to the lgbt community being brought to light and given a label and community, the community has been toxic. Much of the foundational moments for identity were from the AVEN forums and a lot of harmful misogynistic, transphobic, homophobic, and ableist things were said on their and supported. This kind of behavior has continued well into the community even today.

This is not a moral judgment on asexuals or aromamtics. I’m aromantic. I was also subjected to these things. I always felt alienated from the community. Even when trying to engage behavior was half the time welcoming and understanding and half the time felt very hostile. I point this out because again: many asexuals and aromantics are other lgbt identies and this rhetoric is very harmful. It’s alienating. It makes you feel guiltier at times. Furthermore at times the community pressured ppl who did not have absolutely any desire for sex in any capacity to be okay with it, as though they were on the same level as people who liked and enjoyed sexual acts removed from sexual attraction to people. Sometimes it encouraged harassing people for saying having sex was a vital part of relationships for them and they felt incompatable with someone who was repulsed by sex and didn’t feel abstaining for a hypothetical ace partner would be healthy for either of them. Even more alarming was qpp’s, really originating from the aro community, spreading and simply being a tool for a while in many circles to coerce people into relationships who otherwise wouldn’t be okay with polyamory or were underaged. I’ve seen so much harm and been subjecting to it that I did have to (and still want to but avoid it for stress reasons) point this out. Even more alarming was during the discourse era seeing big name ace bloggers with large underaged followings bring on self admitted pedophiles to their blogs, and refusing to apologize when said pedophile admitted to sexually harassing minors. Lies were spread to demonize lesbians especially, and to a degree gay men as well, including that we steal funding we don’t need

As well (currently) the lgbt community hasn’t had the best resources to provide a good environment for ace and aro issues, and the ace community has not made it a priority in many spheres to curate those spaces either. As an aro sexual abuse victim there were many times I didn’t want to see public displays of affection or hear abt sexuality of any kind at times (despite not being ace) and I knew asking for those to cease in lgbt spaces would be harmful and come across as bigoted. Lgbt spaces are places to express your comfort in your identity and your relationships in the way cishet ppl can whenever they want to in society. Seeking out spaces without that just meant retreating and being alone. A curated space for aro and ace ppl would have removed tension I know many people have had and still do experience by providing refuge for sex and romance repulsed ace and aro ppl

I felt more boundaries would be beneficial, as while trans people are no doubt a part of the lgbt community (regardless of how many trabsphobes say we don’t belong), trans specific areas and communities still exist. Trans spaces where trans experiences are centered are a priority. The ace community regardless needs better spaces for ace people besides social media and Internet forums. It needs structure and accountability. It needs to unlearn harmful practices and bigotry that have run rampant for their own members’ sake, not for the sake of outside people to see validity in it.

And for a while, people who were otherwise cisgendered, heteroromantic and asexual would speak out in lgbt spaces about trans and gay issues because this is the “same community”. Cis gay men have no authority on lesbian, bi, or trans issues. Cis lesbians have no authority on gay men’s, bi, or trans issues. Cis heterosexual trans ppl shouldn’t talk abt lgbp issues w authority. Cishet ace and aro ppl shouldn’t talk those either. A lot of the hostility and early discourse was abt that, about those bloggers who very quickly left the discussions and website entirely in some cases, speaking about issues that shouldn’t concern them. About homophobia and how it should be treated or tolerated, using slurs they had no right using, and more. Even more alienating was ppl saying a character was ace rather than gay, and when pointed out they could be both it resulted in backlash as trying to take away ace representation, and then real human survivors of sexual abuse who were dead were framed as ace icons and ace representation while framing their discussions of their reactions to sexual abuse as “the ace experience”. Lies spread that ace conversion therapy was a thing and that doctors were going to hold you down and feed you medicine to make you want to have sex, terrifying many young bloggers on this website who genuinely believed and lived in fear of this happening until they were told it was misinformation and lies.

(Yes you can be sexually assaulted for being ace, yes victims of sexual abuse can as a result ID as ace or aro, that’s not what I’m arguing against in case somehow someone finds a way )

But from the other side I’ve seen and spoken out against people who just said bigoted things. Claiming there were too many gender and sexuality identities. I think the split attraction model is limited to ace and aro ppl to explain our identities more coherently and misapplying it to others only servers in the end to stigmatize various sexualities, but this went beyond that. For many people “grey” and “demi” modifiers are useful. I’m grey aro. My romantic feelings are complicated and inconsistent enough I think it’s not average. Sure to a degree “anyone” could be demi or aro and many ppl in the ace community have misattributed those modified identities to ppl who didn’t even fully explore how they felt, but they are not worthless. I can count to you how many times I’ve felt genuine romantic attraction, and I do not fully understand the intricacies of romantic attraction, nor the differences at time between platonic feelings in practice. I was mocked for my identity several times and saw people with identities like mine mocked. This was not a discussion of it these identities were harmful like claiming disassociating during sex was a normal sexual identity. At worst they are unnecessary.

I’ve been always more invested abt having a better community for ace and aro ppl bc that’s what I ultimately wanted. No, they didn’t have the messy intertwined history of other lgbt identities but also they didn’t have to be. Lgbt or not there wasn’t a space for ace and aro ppl I thought was really healthy. It was either they existed there in a group with other people with their issues being talked about or not at all. Ace pride colors were based on the at times toxic forum website AVEN. The aro community was often overlooked by ace ppl or at times actively thrown under the bus.

And lies and misinformation was still spread. Pieces of history incoherently being co-opted and misappropriated to seem legitimate. And to top it all off ace and aro specific oppression was incoherently discussed to. How different forms of oppression work together and often feed into each other or take new shapes was ignored. Studies were extremely limited in scope, loaded, and mostly inconclusive. Facets of misogyny and even homophobia were framed as ace exclusive and unique experiences, and people lied about real life discrimination for being ace (usually these were young people like the 15 y/o who claimed to have two gay dads who kicked her out for being ace, so I won’t dwell on those as much. Tumblr has been a weird website). Discussions of race especially were riddled w terrible behavior from white ace bloggers who resorted to lying, shaming, and guilt tripping. All this only serves to fan the flames and drive a wedge between communities even tho inclusionists claimed it was all evil exclusionists doing while refusing to call out the misinformation and bigotry they often spread. There was no purpose in harassing bloggers of color, no purpose in terrifying children so they lived in fear of medical professionals and most ppl, and no excuse.

Hopefully moving on from this it will truly die away, but I hope people learn from it. This wasn’t just as some ppl frame it cis gay and lesbian bloggers starting a harassment campaign to try and kick aces out on a large scale. This was a messy discussion that was years brewing until it exploded in even more vitriol, misinformation, and rage. It became an opportunity to critique an (albeit in comparison young) community for harmful behavior that was going unchecked and lead to even further bigotry, misinformation, and alienation. And the bigotry and misinformation didn’t serve a purpose and little understanding of what ace and aro people needed besides information and education to the public, which was already taking place before this, was had. And ultimately I expected more from the community at large.

To ace and aro followers and readers: I’ve seen some ugly parts of the community but I don’t necessarily demand you answer for that behavior, unless you’re personally guilt of it. I don’t say this because I have a mission to prove you’re bad. I think the community is toxic, but it will ultimately not get better unless ppl who are dedicated to it are willing to help find what resources ppl need, provide it, and refuse to encourage or call out shitty behavior. And ultimately that will come from a place of love and desire to create an environment future generations will feel welcomed in. I just don’t want other ace and aro kids being lied to about what they’ll experience, subjected to homophobia and transphobia of many colors, and at times groomed by adults. And I don’t want it based around just social media where anyone can lie abt credentials and act like an expert to further any of those horrible goals, even unintentionally

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

no dearest, dont worry, ive been super busy with exams and auditions so i couldnt reply to this, super sorry ;n; but im here now so here we go!

mmm same, tasteful smut is preferable, tho rare. oh no! pls dont feel pressured to follow me on anything, i post very sporadically on that acc so you probably wont see much yet haha

hehe sometimes it just be like that. mmm real life isnt happy, so it makes sense that angst is more realistic, plus people are shitty /hj so its easier to have smth to base the characters and action off. but if angst is what you feel comfortable with, im glad you found it and you can write it so well!

yes i totally agree! they just suck you in, there is no escape. mmm indeed. i guess i just (and im sure you feel the same way) wish that they would be able to stick to what they are good at, and what they enjoy, rather than what will make them the most money and recognition

hehe i dont mind! im here if you wanna rant abt the amazingness that is he, i know the feeling of almost bursting from having to talk abt smth and not being able to :) yesss hes just so comfortable and familar even tho obviously we dont and can never truly know him. hes just like a good good friend. (albeit one whos abs we rave abt). :( ohh im sorry you were in a bad place, but its good that you were able to find something to help, im sure channie would be very happy to know he helped someone :) hehe i find myself listening for him in all their tracks, its a bit like felix in that its quite distinctive and very satisfying haha. YES seonghwa is just *wordless mouthing of amazement* mmm, its going to be super hard for them to top that, fever and drunk dazed were *chefs kiss* but hopefully theyll be better soon, ive been so worried abt all of them, with the whole covid thingo, especially nikki, hes only 15 and hes rlly sick away from his parents and his home :(( poor thing. man sunoo's immune system of absolute titanium, hopefully the rest of the boys are feeling better :(

yes i KNOW right. :((( huh i guess its strange cos i cant wait to get out of high school and ur wishing you could go back :') ahh that must be strange

oooh cool! ahuh yes, im sensing a type lol. ooh fellow jake, hyuka and lisa bias! for me, nikki and jennie are bias wreckers and im not super into txt but yES i agree, he always looks impeccable. i see what you mean with jake! hes got this kinda awkward charm from what little ive seen of him. mmm well... as a chan, seonghwa and namjoon bias, i can sympathise with having a definite postion type

no darling! they wouldnt be wasted at ALL. yes, you must tell me if you are ever going to leave here :((

but on brighter topics, i finished all my midterms and had my first therapy session this week so thats good! how are you feeling today? anything else you want to discuss? hope you're doing well :)

<3 w.a. 🐺

yoooo i was starting to worry about where you were but i remembered that you talked about exams. it's alright! take your time. also auditions o.O good luck with that!!

oh don't half joke people are shitty. they really are. funny how we talk about how we're talking about how angst is my element but i just finished writing a fluffy chan fic.

yeah :( i also hope that the money making thing wouldn't be their top priority but it's still a business industry so i get why the marketing is done that way.

i rambled to an irl about chan today so idt my head would explode from keeping chan chitchat in. chan is as safe space as an idol can get for me. i want to thank him for quite literally saving me in 2020 someday. it's the first thing i'll mention if i get to have a fancall with him.

i'm currently waiting for ateez comeback! i'm hoping deja vu won't disappoint bc the song isn't bad at all o.O it takes me back to my 2nd gen roots even. abt enhypen i heard 2 are back and posting? idt they got the worst of the symptoms + they're young and i'm sure their immune systems aren't too weak.

LMAO. it's because high school was a lot easier than uni so if i were to choose from the two evils, i'd choose the lesser one.

abt my biases? really? o.O bc i've always been told that i don't have a clear bias HAJHA. i'm glad we have a few similar biases <33 the definite position type HAJH you and my friends have the same thing going on. she's all for rappers tho.

i'll tell you if i ever choose to leave. i doubt it would be any time soon xd

congratulations on finishing all your midterms and i'm glad you got to go to your therapy session. how was it? i hope you're doing well. go and take care of yourself! reward yourself a little for finishing the exams :>

my feet and legs are sore as fuck. i've been dancing the whole day and i haven't been exercising a lot so a day full of just moving around kinda shocked me. i'll be sleeping in a few though so i hope i feel better in the morning.