#im fucking broken but why cant i just exist broken

[doctapuella]

i took the biggest fattest couch nap today like a middle aged dad. and do i feel like i wasted my whole day? yes. but do i at least feel extremely rested? absolutely not.

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

the high prices of fucking Everything is so exhausting i stg

[bunnihearted]

sometimes i truly do feel so isolated and alienated because even if people on here are lonely and sad they still have friends and partners and they're capable of having jobs and getting educations ... and im like ok wow im like actually the only one who doesn't just "feel" those things but also is completely worthless and insignificant. cool 👍

[lucyvaleheart]

.

[carrotpiss]

This is a bunch of sad lost and confused and frustrated and lonely sludge, advise not reading

[emotionaldamages]

soft launch or hard launch - max verstappen

in which shes in a secret relationship with a certain redbull driver

social media au

part one| part two

note- this is my first time writing so it might not be as good, but hope you enjoy♡

masterlist

Liked by lewishamilton,maxverstappen, and 1,132,753 others

lando.jpg wild vera on a train @verahamilton

comments

lewishamilton that is not my child, thank you very much

verahamilton that is just wow

lando.jpg shes currently emotional about that

verahamilton no tf I'm not

username shes so pretty

carlossainz55 shes always climbing something

username I deffo ship her and lando

verahamilton I'm happily taken:)

username I KNOW YALL SEEN THAT

username MY WIFE IS TAKEN

username we just gonna ignore the lonely train..

liked by charles_leclerc, pierregasly, and 3,898,753 others

verahamilton vacation with my love♡

comment

username oh myyyy a soft launch

username EVERYOME PAUSE

username my wife😿

lewishamilton young lady who is that

pierregasly kika is gonna have a huge talk with you about this

landonorris I cant keep quiet for longer

verahamilton better keep ur mouth shut child

landonorris yes mother

username pls he so scared of her

username EVERYBODY STAY CALM STAY CALM

username ima go lay on the highway

verahamilton pls dont

*pretend it says vera and not rihanna

verahamilton guess who @harperbazaarus

comments

username mother.

username icon of the century

username I would go in the shark for u

landonorris yall some horny fuckers

verahamilton lando no cussing

mclaren listen to your mother lando!

landonorris IM OLDER

username I love lando so much

maxverstappen ♡♡

username I know yall see that...

username max...

username you telling me sid from ice age pulled her

georgerussell63 Y'all hear something

verahamilton yo momma(I love ur mother alot)

verahamilton has posted a story

@verahamilton

@landonoriss I know something you doonnttt, I know something you will never knooowww @verahamilton and @hersecrectbf

verahamilton the shit that happens when u bring ur child smh

landonorris you love me tho:)

verahamilton I guess so

landonorris bitch

username lando singing that one song rn

username I WANT TO KNOW WHOOOO THAT IS

username what if THATS lando

username not possible, vera is taller than lando, that dude is taller than vera

georgerussell63 why are you the only one who knows who it is

landonorris I caught them making out in my house😔

username poor lando traumatized

verahamilton bitch I told you not to walk in the room

landonorris LIAR, oh wait.. you did

username vera the children miss uuu

username someone get me my inhaler rn

username I screamed to loud

lilymhe OH MY OH MY DEAR

kikacgomess my heart is broken💔

pierregasly do I not just exist

kikacgomess no you dont not when vera is around

@landonorris tired of these people hiding

comments

username this has ruined me wtf

username OH MY GOD. WHAT THE HELLLL

username SHUT THE FUCK UP. NO WAYYY

username vera ur paying for my therapy sessions

danielriccardo VERA AND MAX WHAT.

lewishamilton oh..

username lando is so dead

verahamilton I'm going into hiding

maxverstappen let me go with u

username THEIR SO CUTE

username I want what they have

georgerussell63 I just heard lewis yell at the top of his lungs in the paddock

username someone check if max is alive

username oh myyyyyyyyyy

verahamilton SEE YALL LATER

carlossainz55 cuties

username are yall breathing ok??

[phagodyke]

and now I'm upset again I fucking give up

why was I fighting for my life trying to stay awake and failing at 4pm in the afternoon and now its 1:30am I cant fucking sleep at all :^/

[spookyscaryskidnpump]

my thoughts on spooky month 6

copy pasted from a page and a half of google doc. crying. spoilers inbound.putting it under the cut cuz its super long. also swear warning.

Ok to start off LILA. LILA MY GAL NO UR DOING UR BEST AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Im crying im actually fucginf crying. She's trying. So hard. Skid is trying so hard. THEY'RE DOING THEIR BEST PLEASEEEEE. Father Gregor can go EAT SHIT. THEY'RE TRYING AND THAT'S WHAT COUNTS GODDAMNIT.

Susie… Susie no… please… she deserves better istgggggg. What happened to their parents? Are they actually just busy? Are they DEAD? Holy shit what if they're dead. Poor Pump, poor Susie, god please just let these kiddos be ok. PLEASE. ABUELO WONDER IS TYING SO HARD BUT SUSIE KNOWS IT ISN'T REALLY FROM HER PARENTS IM CRYING. SUSIE NOOOOOO

FATHER GREGOR I HATE YOU. ok well he obvs did some good but STILL. GREGOR. STFU GREGOR. I get that hes trying but U CANT JUST SAY ALL THAT SHIT ABOUT JUDGEMENT AND THEN JUDGE HER HER FUCKING HOUSE GOT BROKEN INTO!! YOU DONT HAVE THE FUCKING CONTEXT!!!! ARGHFDGHJSGHJKAGHSD. Also DAMN IS HE A CULTIST NOW?? IS HE DEAD?? WHAT?!?!?!

ROYYYYYY ROY MY BOI NOOOOOO poor guy :( i understand why he hates the kids they DID kinda ruin him so. At least he knows theyre trying now :( and ross n rob just ASSUME he did something bad isnt helping here!!!! I get that theyre also trying to help him and its nice to see him opening up to them about stuff (even if we dont get to know what specifically PELO WHY) but PLEASE get this kid an anger management class or smthn PLEASE. He needs SO MUCH THERAPY. I dont think hes gonna get therapy because im pretty sure his parents are Part Of The Problem but STILL.  Also FUCKER LITERALLY GOT POSSESED BY A DEMON?????? THATS GOTTA BE TRAUMATIC TF

Side note i love ross and robert dearly and i appreciate them doing their best to help on both sides i love them smmmmmm AUGH

KEVIN AND RADFORD FRIENDSHIP REALLLLLLLLLL i am SO fucking happy about that!!!! Also Kevin having conflicted feelings on the kids FAIR. Similar thing to Roy except hes an adult with a semi-functional support network and is able to understand that theyre just dumb kids and they dont actually mean any harm. He’s harsher on the hatzgang cuz theyre teens and old enough to know stealing is wrong but Skid n Pump are little kiddos they dont know better. Also him disapproving of father gregor REAL THO. also HE GOT POSSESSED TOO?? TRAUMA CENTRAL HOLY SHIT

PATTY DESERVES TO HAVE A GUN ACTUALLY. Also JOHN ANGST JOHN ANGST JOHN ANGST! IS HIS KID DEAD? IS HIS DAUGHTER OK HOLY SHIT. ALSO THEM HELPING THE KIDS PROPERLY IM CRYIG AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

WHAT WAS EVERMORE DOING WITH THE HOBOMEN???? HELLO??????

I SAW THAT CULT NECKLACE UNDER IGNACIOS SHIRT. I FUCKING SAW IT. CALLED IT BITCH!!!!!!

Rick just has the WORST luck lmao

STREBER IS ALIVE LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOO

DEXTER NO PLEASE AUGH…… HIS MOM TOO……

JAUNE AND ROSS’S DAD… HE'S REAL HE EXISTS!! I get ur trying jaune but that is NOT the best way to comfort poor lila… AT LEAST SHES TRYING THO I APPRECIATE HER

THE ENTIRE NEWGROUNDS ENDING?? THE THIEVES AND THE CANDY DEALER IN CAHOOTS WITH THE CULT???? HELLO??????

MOLOCH IS GONE. he deserved it but also THE KIDS ARE SO SAD ABOUT IT? Like they don't really get it but they just watched someone they thought was their friend DIE. HOLY SHIT.

finally. SKID AND PUMP. KIDDOS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Ok for real tho theyre so much more self aware than the fandom and bulk of the show give them credit for?? Like Skid is VERY aware of his dad being dead/possibly missing and legit just doesn’t wanna talk about it. He knows what death is and he finds fun in it to cope. My poor sweet boyo… and PUMP. PUMP ANSWERING THE CALL AUGHHHHHH HE WANTS HIS PARENTS BACK IM CRYING. SUSIE AND ABUELO ARE DOING THEIR BEST AND HE'S TRYING SO HARD AND AAAAAAAAAAUGH. Also him getting possessed by Moloch while having Star-Eyes basically debunks the theory of the Star-Eyes being a form of possession which is FASCINATING. Anyway that scene with Susie and Pump got me misty eyed and then during the ending with Skid and Lila i actually genuinely started crying. I just want them to be happy. Please let them be happy. Please. PLEASE.

[battleangel]

I Am Not My Hair

What actually happens if I shave my head bald?

Why cant I see what I look like without hair?

Why do I have to be sick or have cancer or be dying?

Why am I not allowed as a woman to just shave my head?

Why do I need a reason, a justification, an explanation?

Why do I have to justify being hairless?

Why are people acting like Im dying and have cancer just because Im bald?

Nothing happens. Thats the gag.

Youve been taught to fear.

Its just my bald head. Why is that forbidden?

Verboten?

Why cant I ever see what my actual head looks like without all this hair on it?

Why cant I see what my face looks like without it constantly being surrounded by hair?

What if I like being bald?

What if I like not spending $1200+ a year on my hair?

What if I like not styling my hair?

What if I like not doing anything with my hair other than cutting it super short, about an inch or two, every few months?

Why does it threaten people for a woman not to care about her hair?

I dont want to go to a hair salon or barbershop.

I dont want to go back to an afro.

I dont want locs or dreads.

I dont want shaved sides, I already did that last year.

I dont want corn rows or bantu knots, Ive done that too.

I dont want to grow it out.

I dont want a $500 lace front wig.

I dont want a wig professionally installed by a stylist every 2 to 3 months.

I dont want to wash or brush my hair.

I dont want to put any products in my hair.

Why is it a sin for a black woman to not want to grow her hair out?

I dont want my "long beautiful" hair back.

I dont want it halfway down my back again.

I dont want it to my waist again.

I dont want to relax it again -- there are lawsuits against Loreal, black women who used Just For Me and other chemical relaxers to straighten their hair are being diagnosed with cancer, inferitility and fibroids.

The chemicals in a relaxer are strong enough to break down and destroy the natural texture of your curly coiled kinks and force it to be straight -- those same chemicals are also strong enough to literally peel paint off of cars -- why are you putting this directly on your scalp for an hour plus every 2 to 3 months from the time you are a pre-teen or in high school until adulthood, for decades, and thinking that there wont be health issues?

They target products to Black women that kill them.

Remember the little Black girls that sang the R&B pop jingle in the Just For Me commercial?

"Just for me...hair so healthy, silky and free."

Who was that song for?

This was the 90s and there were multiple Black girl groups back then -- TLC, 702, Blaque, Xscape, Jade, Total, MoKenStef, etc. -- they wanted to get us while we were young so we would keep using their products until adulthood. 

I got my first perm, I am 4C, at 11. I was so glad my mother stopped burning me with the hot comb that she had tortured me with since I was 5. Anything was better than that as I had a very sensitive scalp or "tenderheaded" as it is called in our community.

I couldnt wait to go to Touch of Magic salon where my older sister already had her long, silky hair. I was tired of being tortured by a hot ass comb that was constantlu burning my fucking scalp and I was tired of being told to "sit still" while my scalp was being fucking burned. I couldnt wait for the Revlon Fabulaxer so the dreaded golden hot comb could be forever banished from my existence.

From 11 to 34, 23 years, I faithfully got  a relaxer at the salon every 2 to 3 months. It was about $120+ (relaxer, deep condition, style, split ends, color, etc.). Over the years, that fucking adds up, over $100k I spent on my hair. Even when I went natural at 34, my 4c hair is extremely thick, kinky, nappy, unruly and very difficult to deal with. People have literally broken combs trying to comb through it. Needless to say, I couldnt manage anything myself but a wash and go so I spent thousands at the salon as a 4c natural on Senegalese twists, box braids, Bantu knots, corn rows, twist outs, twist updos and flat twists. 

Then I shaved my sides and cut my hair super short and started going to barber shops but I was dyeing it fuschia back then so my hair was still costing me money.

Then last year, I finally just grabbed kitchen scissors out of my kitchen and hacked it myself and decided I was never going to go back to a salon or barbershop.

I was going to cut my hair with kitchen scissors myself every 2 to 3 months. I do like different looks so I have five cheap synthetic shitty wigs that are different colors (blue, blonde, green, black). Depending on the lewk and fit, either I just wear my hair natural and short or I slap a wig on.

But thats it. No maintenance, no upkedp, no hair care routines, no wasting away a Saturday at a salon, no barbershops, no wash and gos, no 15 hour sessions getting braided extensions. 

Just literally cutting it with kitchen scissors every 2 to 3 months and slapping on a cheap shitty wig whenever I have a certain fit or lewk and thats it.

Then in August, I decided to shave my head bald. I didnt want even a few inches of hair anymore so I grabbed my husbands razor and shaved it. Didnt go to a barbershop or stylist. Had no idea how to even use the razor and just shaved it all off in under 10 minutes. I loved the bald look especially with thick ass winged liquid eyeliner, bold dramatic eyeshadow and colorful lipstick.

I have a few inches of growth that in a month or two, I will grab the kitchen scissors again and cut my hair down to an inch or two. Ill do that every few months. I love it bald but even shaving my head on a regular basis is more time than I choose to devote to my hair. Cutting it with scissors to an inch or two every 2 to 3 months is my absolute limit.

As a woman, thats not allowed.

Especially as a Black woman.

And I was raised by a Southern Baptist fundamentalist, so forget about it.

You have to obsess over your hair, products, styling, color, length, look, appearance, texture, curl pattern, thickness, volume, care routines, pre poo, deep conditoning, tea tree oil, diffusing, texturizing, blow out, straightening, relaxing, lace front wig installations, weaves, kanekalon, bundles, braids, twists, locs, dreads, corn rows, bantu knots...

You cant just not do your hair!

Only you can. Because thats exactly what I do.

Even as a Black woman and we are brainwashed to be absolutely obsessed with our hair.

Go back and look at the hysteria India Arie caused when she shaved her "beautiful curls".

Just like India Arie, I am not my hair.

[year2000electronics]

i'm pressing u, please elaborate if u haven't already. like i'm 90% sure i know what u mean and agree w u but i wanna hear ur thoughts

OK so like i was talking w my friends about this but like. i used sonic 2 as an example. there are a lot of deleted scenes in sonic 2 where adding them to the movie does not change the canon of the movie. ie there's a character (wade) who gets his car stolen and we hard-cut to him in his garage with a bike. it's always going to be implied that wade is using his bike for the weekend, but there's a deleted scene that actually tells us he is fixing his broken bike, he lives with his mom, and likes ants on a log. so accepting that deleted scene as canon doesnt actually change the game. its dubiously canon because its not in the final product but still exists in the same universe and doesnt contradict canon.

look at like, kingdom of the sun vs emperor's new groove though. none of the deleted songs in kingdom of the sun were able to get into emperors new groove because that would destroy the tone and lore of the movie. snuff out the light is about yzma wanting to bring about an eternal night, but it can't be added to the movie because in emperor's new groove, yzma doesn't WANT to do that

so like. two types of deleted scenes. ones that you can add to canon without meddling with them, and ones where they cant be canon or else things would be worse or itd meddle with canon

and thats why i take the full streams as having a deleted scenes esque canonicity, because there is information in them thats just like. basic gags. bubby has an ipod. tommy says they fucked up the billboards. gordon's suit j- uh- nevermind.

but then you see in stuff like the commentaries that, like, some stuff was consciously LEFT OUT because it made canon worse or make less sense. like wayne cutting out his actual response to dr coomers 'what if it was fake' question, and wayne having to cut moments where he talks directly to chat and the science team responds to the chat dialogue (ie. cutting out the context of 'gordon, i need spices')

tldr i dont automatically accept the full streams as canon specifically because there's a 'final product' that exists in the edited videos, so im more inclined to not pay attention to full streams information because a lot of them had a very good reason for not being included. but also a lot of them were cut for scene so id be willing to slot them into my belief system

[horsefreek151]

My husband's First time Watching Twilight

My dear husband has not seen many of the movies that were very informative of my tween and teen years; Twilight is one of the top ones. He not only agreed to watch it but agreed to let me write down his reactions. Here are the 3 PAGES of comments I recorded during the two hour movie.

Opening line: "I'd never given much thought to how I would die." - Well, Lucky you

I'm glad this deer is going to be totally unharmed

What ?! Hang on... He catches the dear mid jump like a trick dog.

Him: Why is (Stephany Myers) so obsessed with baseball? Me: Shes Mormon Him: I think it's the homoerotic subtext

ACAB even (Charly)

Alright... one bathroom? There's only two of you!

Billy (who is in a wheelchair) responds with how hes doing by saying "Still Dancing!" - I love him Meets Eric - GAY BEST FRIEND *He was disappointed by him being straight* *Pauses Movie* I had no idea her name was Isabella

Mike Existing - That's the most awkward person Ive ever seen

Jerk kisses her on the cheek without consent - That's assault

*Edward walks in* - OMG thats BATMAN *JKJKJK*

How ... Why ... Why is she laughing.

So he can see the future... Nobody in this movie knows how to eat food. Fuck you, Binder! She is the awkward one Charly Guy in Mill getting hunted - Hes agile I would have fallen over by then. Bella slips and falls over - Relatable *he is unaware of the trope* "Not in Phoenix Bells" Line referring to large animals hunting people in Forks - "YoU DoNt HaVe AnImAls iN ArIzOnA" What do you mean Charly!? They have Mountain Lions and SNAKES Charly! *I mention scorpions too* No writer in this movie ever talked to a high schooler. "Your name is Bella?" - Its actually Isabella as I have learned I only care about this golden onion... and why it isn't a golden garlic. "Cold wet thing" - Unlike sand which is hot and course She also looks like shes in white face paint. (Edward) just walks away like a fucking freak... I love it. None of these people have ever talked to a human before. *Car Crash* - So much is happening... why are there so many cuts... The vampires all look like fucking mimes Your asking him about the speed he got there and not the CRUMPLED DOOR?!

Dont worry (Bella) Im also confused about what happened *Edward in the corner of her room* Hes like a fucking PTSD flashback. Hes a fucking sleep paralysis demon Its dumb to send (the vampires) to highschool. I didn't know one of (Bellas) personality traits was Clumsy There Bio teacher belongs in a sitcom They act like they are fifty or twelve... not like teenagers... twelve is more accurate. The most unrealistic part (of there field trip) is that the bus driver is not screaming at him for banging on the door... or maybe I grew up in Boston. *Edward dose the apple thing* - Ok now he's just making fun of her Robert Patterson and the guy playing Charly are the best actors. Edward mentions wearing a mask, and Bella quips about it - OOOOO, She called Edward out for being autistic! *He can say that as I am autistic and I give him permission* *Edward cant go to LaPush* - Is it cause he cant cross moving water? *He made so many jokes about vampire lore I didn't write them all down* I was trying to tell what time this flashback took place and I just couldn't. I'm glad they gave us a 30-second tutorial on how to get a book online. Some of this look like a horror movie TOKYO DRIFTING, Dam that was a fuckin j-turn! "Little do (her friends know) he was going to eat her, for her blood" Oh Bella, I understand he's a pretty boy, but back up from the "How do you know what he was thinking?" and back to the "WHY WERE YOU STALKING ME!?" I can't wait for the almost SA scene to never come up again... *sarcasm* * They touch hands by oops * - Touch Barrier Broken Charly and Billy watch the game - DAD DATE! ... Oh no not Butcrack SANTA! Looks at Jasper - Is he another vampire who fought for the Confederacy? She sees buttcrack Santa's body - Do they not have body bags? With how much he's stalking her he should be called Edward the Relentless *he loves what we do in the shadows* Why are we spinning... why is there so much spinning? Bella claims Edward talks old-fashioned - He talks like a badly written character... like everyone here. "you won't hurt me" - cause stalkers never escalate violence when things don't work out. Because she's a white woman, and he's her pit bull. LISTEN TO HIM WHEN HE SAYS HES DANGEROUS BELLA. "personal brand of heroine" - Him: because everyone knows heroine comes in brands Me: Im on name brand Meth (me referring to my ADHD MEDS) Him: You're on generic Meth, and you know it. (as I take the generic brand) YOU'VE KNOWN HIM FOR LIKE A WEEK "Irevicoably in love with him" - GIRL... WHY? Sees Emmit - He kinda looks like Peet Davidson I like (Edwards) sitting like a little weirdo He turned to madly in love on a dime. Wait hang on.... (skips back to Billy giving Bella the stinkeye) Eyyyy They do what we do! (Billy holding all the stuff while Jacob pushes, like we do with my wheelchair) Just Sees Jasper - "Ive never seen more fear in a character than in his face right now

Is he scared she will know he fought for the Confederacy? (I have yet to confirm or deny the truth of this statement) Alice being Alice - OOoO Edward, she's gonna steal your girl! No wonder he's fallen in love in 3 seconds... he's been seventh wheel for who knows how long. *there dancing in edwards room* - *husband starts singing my fair lady* "Hang on Spider Monkey" - IT's THE LINE!!! *I mention how it's creepy that he watches her sleep* Well, you watch me while I sleep, but you have insomnia... and were married. *they kiss*- This is the most Mormon shit I've ever seen. At least they show how realistically boaring being a vampire would be. Drinking while cleaning your shotgun... that's totally safe Charly... "Why do you play baseball?" - Since they are American Bella! - "Well it is the American past time" Esme says - SEE! The Thrupple of trouble is walking in like there ready for a photoshoot. Blond Thrupple guy (James) looks so High... "...STuck here like MOM" - OOF! KNIFE TO THE HEART! Did her friends just steal mugs from the diner? Edward won't stop drinking her blood - Bop him on the nose with a newspaper like a dog. Edward sad he "didn't" stop - But you did stop when Carlile bopped you on the head with a newspaper. We kissed once now were in love forever.... They are all weirdos and this feels like a cult Director of Photography, I hate you. Costume? I can't forgive you for that flashback. High school science teacher, you were my favorite. His final review: This was a bad movie. There are better vampire movies, there's better romance movies and better young adult movies. All the genera are valed, this is just a bad example of all of those generas. I understand why its popular tho, and why young woman loved it. Especially when you take in at the time, it came out. Its the American mix of all about sex but completely clean and demonising sex and not having any sex in it. To me its the same way that 50 shades of gray wants to be about sexy bdsm while still saying bdsm is morally wrong. Nothing wrong with wanting a sexy vampire with wanting a romance, I like romance. Theres nothing wrong with media for young women. This is just bad.

[carrotpiss]

Ghhhh

[ravenoclock]

@labyrinthhofmymind

IM BACCKKK

Spoilers for a fic called presque vu by bizzarestars

TYSM FOR UR RESPONSE AAAA UR THE FIRST PERSOM WHO’S LISTENED TO MY RANTS AND AVGUALLY LIKES THWM SO TYSM UR THE BEST <33

CHAPTER ELEVEN MFS

Shit’s getting deep yall I grabbed the tissues just in case.

*clears throat* okay so starting off sad with Lily’s parents dying right off the bat. Holy fuck. And the fact that she didn’t cry until after the funeral?? MY GIRL DJSKSKKSKA. I CANT RN. and Sirius being like ‘I wanna fuck Remus’ and Harry being like ‘nuh-uh’ and crying LMAO. Hilarious.

He lives anyway, in the end. They both do. Rats can survive in even the most dire of conditions, and all dogs were wild once. They both make it through, just not together. Rats and dogs rarely get along.

Foreshadowing comes in many forms.

Fuck. I can’t today. PETER PETER PETER. JUST ARGHH. WHY WHY WHY.

"No," Sirius croaks. "I can't ever imagine grieving you."

I’m on my way to go dig a grave for myself who’s with me? Cuz why? Would? You? Do? That? To? Me? Why? What? What the fuck??? I’ve spent so long deluding myself into believing canon isn’t real and that the marauders grew old and grey and happy together and then I read fics like these because I think im strong enough but in reality I just created a dream I can shatter (catch my reference? No? Yes?) but id rather the delusion shatter than my sanity but at this point idk. BEAR WITH ME. I’ll get therapy dw.

Sirius is right there with him, as that saying goes. She's growing, too, one day at a time even as she digs her heels in for every inch. She's just as imprisoned as him, in her own way. A prison of her own body, her blood, her name. She's been a prisoner her whole life.

Dead. Why is this so amazing??? Like I feel it in the very depths of my soul I swear.

JAMES WANTED CHILDREN. PLURAL. WHAT THE ACTUAL- I CANT. HARRY WAS GOING TO HAVE SIBLINGS. I FEEL NAUSEATED. IM GONNA THROW UP EVERYTJING INSIDE OF ME I SWEAR.

(This, too, is a prison. You feel that, don't you, deep down inside? One day soon, you'll be free from it, only for it to be replaced by another.)

The foreshadowing is crazy. Insane. Every other word for practically amazingly heart wrenchingly horrible.

Lily was pregnant. Lily was pregnant Lily was pregnant Lily was pregnant she had a baby she had a baby there was a baby THERE WAS ANOTHER BABY COMING THERE WAS ANOTHER FUCKING BABY COMING AND THEY FUCKING DIED AND THE BABY NEVER GOT TO LIVE THEY HAD ANOTHER BABY. HARRY WAS GOING TO HAVE A SIBLING. LILY WAS FUCKING PREFNANT. OH LORD IM GOING TO CRY A WHOLE FUCKING LOT NOW.

What if Halloween just doesn’t exist. They’ll live happily ever after right? Right? RIGHT????????

For Peter, this is, as the saying goes, his final straw. The camel's back is not only broken, it's been cleaved in half, and the fear spills out over the sides like blood, leading only to the promise of more. He's been straddling the line between both sides for nearly a year now, giving only bits and pieces of information to the death eaters just to make sure they won't kill him in duels, never enough for the Order to even suspect a proper spy at all, but now he knows which side is losing for sure, after this side has suffered so much loss, so it's time he throws his lot in where he can stop being afraid. He wants to survive like a rat, and gets his wish.

Fucking coward. I hope he dies a painful dead. Oh wait, he does. (I actually don’t remember. Does he? Idk if he dies at all ngl.)

Out of everyone, Marlene's are the only dreams that come true.

God fucking damn. Can I cry now? Oh my god. Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god. Marlene ml. You will be missed.

I rly can’t. The first death out of the main group came and went. It doesn’t feel as heart wrenching as it does when I read Marlene’s death in The Hand That Feeds cuz it wasn’t in her perspective, and Sirius is awfully and unhealthily detached and it’s just so so fucking sad I can’t even.

She died. I cried.

CHAPTER TWELVE

Strapping in because Zar said so.

The fact that people think the spy is Sirius. Because of his last name. A name she can’t control. A name that came from a reputation they tried so hard to remove themselves from only for others to only see it. The name ‘Black’ and what it’s associated with. I hope they all fuck themselves.

Sirius shouldn't even know about it, nor should Remus, or Peter, or Augusta—but of course, they all find out because Frank and Alice trust the latter, while James and Lily trust the former three. One couple here has made a mistake. Hint: it's not the one with parents.

OHHHHH MY GOD.

"Sirius isn't a fucking toy," James snaps.

Remus arches an eyebrow. "Then why do you treat him like one?"

Oh my lord. Oh my fucking lord.

It's funny. When the doubt creeps in, Remus will think about the question Sirius asked, and Sirius will think about the answer Remus gave, but neither will think about how Peter said nothing at all.

So…I don’t know what to say anymore. I can’t say anything. It’s so awful.

Mary ran. Dorcas died. Peter should die.

The emmary makes me want to die, too. WHY DIDNT EMMELINE GO WITH HER. MARY OBLIVIATED HERSELF TRYING TO PROTECT HETSELF.

Whoever the spy is, Sirius thinks that day, they're smart, and they're brutal, and they're not doing this just out of fear. There's more to it than just that, more that Sirius can recognize in the mirror; a deep, dark pit that the worst crawls out of, unleashed on those who don't think it exists there. This is someone who may not have always been a monster, but knows how to become one, and maybe believes that's the only option they have. This is someone, despite how hard it is to fathom and how hard it is to accept, that Sirius knows.

Irony never misses a chance to take center-stage in the tragic play of their lives. Believe it or not, they're still in act one. They're on their way to act two, though, one cut from the cast of characters at a time.

Peter doesn’t deserve to cry for deaths he fucking caused. He doesn’t deserve Sirius comforting him. He doesn’t deserve any mercy at all.

Very close now, with Dorcas out. Take a wild guess at who's next.

Emmeline. Lily and James. Those are my guesses.

Sirius starting to doubt Remus kills me.

Sirius thinking Remus is Dumbledore’s spy…im pretty sure he wasn’t? Was he? Maybe he was but I only remember Peter being both. Like Peter was the double agent before turning to work for baldy voldy.

The fact that Sirius thinks it’s Remus. The fact that none of them suspect Peter not even once.

Them trying to convince their best friends that the other is the spy. Why. Peter wasn’t mentioned once. I actually want to puke.

Also Dorcas. Just. Dorcas :( And then Mary running tf away cuz she’s done. I wanna die. Wolfstar fighting and falling in love during A WAR. MY LOVES. THEY FONT DESERVE IT.

I read like chapters 13-21 in a haze. Here’s my thoughts (not in any order whatsoever):

- Azkaban is so shitty to the extent that there’s no words to describe how fucked it is and how dehumanizing it makes its prisoners feel, innocent or not

- The entire chapter where Sirius was described without any pronouns was GENIUS and so brilliant I loved it

- Sirius passing time as Padfoot but forgetting a lot because of Padfoot and Azkaban :(

- Sirius using the dementors as a way of sh :(

- Sirius not remembering who his first kiss was (JAMES) actually KILLED ME

- OLDER WOLFSTAR REUNION WHOOP WHOOP I LOVE THEM

- THE HURT/COMFORT SCENE <333333

- THEYRE SO IN LOVE THAT I MIGHT STOP BREATHING

- THE BUGS oh the FUCKING bugs thing destroys me. i cried, threw up, did the whole thing. cuz GOD I WANT SOMEONE TO UNDERSTAND ME LIKE THAT HOLY SHIT. I LOVE THEM.

- Sirius and Crookshanks are cool asf

- DUMBKEDORE YOU MAD MAN WHY DO I LIKE YOU

- KINGSLEY

- Remus being jealous of Kingsley low key had me giggling and twirling my hair cuz Sirius is so oblivious like ‘oh he’s funny, and we’re mates’ AGAHSHGAA

- also Remus being like ‘we’re just friends’ you and who buddy? Ain’t no one buying that. And Sirius glaring holes into his head is so AHAHAHAHH. And then Sirius holding it against him for the next few chapters is actually hilarious. He’s so petty. I love them.

- Sirius: ‘hello buddy, best mate, my best of all pals’

Remus: ‘I sense I’ve made a mistake somewhere’

ZAR WRUTING THAT IS SO FUNNY. I think i might’ve cried from laughter.

- REMUS TELLS SIRIUS EVERYTHING. WOLFSTAR IS COMMUNICATING. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I LOVE IT.

- Sirius being upset that she’s not allowed to be there on Remus’ full moons is so cute, and then Remus letting her take care of him after, always, is so so adorable.

- MOLLY. THE WEASLEY TWINS. HERMIONE. HARRYYY MY DARLING.

- WE MET THE GOLDEN ERA KIDDSSSSSS

- also the doubt that maybe Peter wasn’t the spy and he had a reasonable explanation for it is so heartbreaking I actually wanted to puke. I think i did puke.

- PROFESSOR LUPIN. ENDEARING. FOND. SIRIUS COMBUSTING EVERYTIME REMUS FLIRTS WITH HIM. PERFECTION.

- Sirius singing in Azkaban :((

- the cross words. WAXING MOON.

THEY WERE MADE FLR EACHOTHER YOUR HONOR.

Thx for coming to my Ted Talk <3.

Btw I’m so sorry i haven’t been on tumblr recently. Been a bit busy.

[heartsoulspiritelite]

MJF x Adam Cole

summary-

Soulmates were a weird thing, Max didn't even think they existed

For the longest time Max was convinced he'd never meet his. Nobody liked him, Nobody trusted him and he just felt like nobody liked or understood him. That was until he was partnered with the person who changed his life forever.

Adam Cole.

Soulmates

Soulmates were a weird thing. Max didn't think they even existed- i mean it was a stupid term with a stupid meaning.

For the longest time Max was convinced he'd never meet his soulmate. Nobody liked him, Nobody trusted him and he just felt like nobody understood him. That was until he was partnered with the person who changed his life forever.

Adam Cole.

When Cole and Friedman became the tag team 'Better than you Bay Bay' Max became the happiest he has been in a long time. He knew Adam wasn't very fond of him obviously in the beginning. But now things feel different its been awhile and they've been working together quite a bit. Max thinks Adam actually likes him now and that thought warms his heart in a weird way.

Max was sitting in his locker room sitting on the bench scrolling through his phone until the door infront of burts open with a disheveled and heart-broken Adam walking in.

"Max what did i do wrong?, why do i keep screwing things up!" Adam asks teary eyed

"Buddy whats wrong what happened?"  Max questioned going into protective mode

"Britt fucking left me Max" He explains frusterated

MJF watches Adam slide down the wall by the door until he was sitting on the floor staring at Max desperately.

"W-what?" Says in a state shock

"I know, i dont know what the hell i did wrong! She never seemed upset with me i don't what happened.. Max im a good person aren't i? Why are Britt and Roddy mad at me?" He whines shoving his face into the palm of his hands.

"Im so sorry, You are a fucking amazing person, you've helped me so much man and honestly i think that might be the problem.. Im sorry, you know they don't like me. i never mean't to cause all of this"

Adam's head snaps up at this

"Max if you 're implying that i stop hanging out with you, that aint gonna happen no matter how hard you try" He states

"Why not you never liked me before why can't it go back to that?"

Adam stands up and walks over to Max until he is stood infront of him

"You know i never believed all the things people said about you. I always knew deep down you were actually a good person."

Max just stares at him a little confused

"I was just mad because i wanted your damn title. I wanted to prove to people that i was still something." He continues while staring Max in the eyes with a serious look on his face

"I know we lost the championship match and i know we're going to fight at All In but i dont care. We are going to continue being friends no matter what you or anybody else says. You snuck into my heart max i cant just let you go" He finishes

Adam looks away and sighs while Max blushes trying to hide a smile. Nobody has ever cared this much for him before so its weird, hes not used to it but it makes him feel warm inside.

"Adam you know you're my bestfriend right. But you can't sacrifice your friends and girlfriend who you knew longer than you knew me just so we can still be friends, i wont let you" He says sadly standing up about to leave the room

All of this was very out of character for MJF.

"Max please, I dont need them alright. I need you, I need you so bad" He pleads following Maxwell

This was also pretty out of character for Adam Cole Bay Bay.

Max freezes and turns around slowly. Theres no way?!..

"You need what?.." He asks unsure

"You." he states teary eyed

"Its always been you. i tried to stop it but i couldn't , i tried so hard Ma-" He gets cut off by Max's lips on his.

Adam's arms immediately go to Max's neck while Max deepens the kiss, wrapping his arms around Adam's back.

Max taps adam waists twice to tell him to jump.

So he does and wraps his legs around Max's waist while smiling into the kiss.

Max lightly breaks apart the kiss. "You dont know how long i've wanted his" He pants catching his breath

Adam reconnects their lips grabbing on to Max's short curly hair while Max runs his hands in Adams hair.

"you're coming back to the hotel with me and we're going to take a nice shower talk this out alright, i dont want to rush anything. Im not messing anything up" He informs the man in his arms.

Adam nods putting his head onto max's shoulder and gives him little kisses.

"Okay" he whispers

You know what.

Maybe soulmates do exist.

~Cross-posted on Wattpad & Ao3~

[texture32]

Heart broken, kinda broken myself,

double entendrè in a twisted way.. unimagined.. unimaginable.. has it ever hurt so right it went so wrong it was up.. rip heart, blinded mind clear to see, these things we see.. we want whats real.. sure

But im a dreamer thats sorta out of his mind, spice in my mind.. of an unkind kind, kinda..

As i assosiate with the heart i assassinated, i rerealise who i.. flatlines.. been dead probably, am i even a live.. born into a possible eternity, not sure which choices to make.. i know im dreaming.. but how to wake up.. dying inside, shades of blue.. theres more to gray than a play of shades, we all know.. then tell me, whoa blacked out for a true second there.. but theres more than black.. sounds idiotic. Lunacy.. somewhere between tripping and dipping is my pain and joy.. thats the insanity i almost seek.. but the love.. i turned my back on it so long ago i cant remember.. chose the magic over the music.. simple riddle, couldnt decode it myself, thats how i comprehend.

The joke is, i dont realise till i do, the pain is mutual.. have you ever seen in the dark.. im not that bright..

Jeez.. im just finding my own blind spots and know im going to post this anyway, cant remember anything except the fucking truth of my pain and love if anyone understands.. or has felt the same.. but hell im like 12 with a bit of 11.. hell maybe 8

Still blacking when time stands still do we even exist.. enough questions i ask myself, idk why that makes me smile.. im sure you do by now….

Left this blog or such for a while, i cant keep track of days, i dont play an act, unless im dreaming half lucid.. how do i.. see the light of night in reality..

Im both asleep awake dreaming and meditating.. simple articulating, connecting dots..

[transarsonist]

gently but firmly explaining to my mother that, yeah, thats.... kinda what being disabled and impoverished in capitalist society IS. like, no i havent gotten anything done, im mentally not here before 12 noon at the Earliest, and ive been kinda psychologically completely overwhelmed by, well, Everything the fact that i cant just go out and get the things that i need to do Basic Existance is like a Physical Weight that literally drags my bones down to dust? thats kinda just how poverty is? like, if i had $200 a month 'living expences' i would be able to like, go to goodwill, get some good interview clothes, id be able to keep enough gas in my car to make it to the temp agencies that are Literally ALL on the Other Side Of The County for no good goddamn reason. thats not where the Jobs are, & theres other places with cheap office space.

id be able to go and Do something about the fact that im pretty Terminally unrelaxed right now, id be able to Meaningfully ACT on the fact that most of my day every day is dedicated to very very very basic survival tasks. im talking, make food hot and go in mouth, put clothes on (failed often) level basic

and she just, does not understand i guess, that that level of poverty is Poisonous, it makes MOVING difficult, it makes THINKING difficult, and worse im Already disabled, i cant do a damn thing and i have no idea how to cope with it, im crashing and burning and crashing and burning and im being ripped to shreds to shreds to shreds to shreds, and all i want is to be able to fucking Heal, and my mother being a different person than me entirely, does not understand that "living alone in a house and not being bullied" is not enough for healing, ive been BROKEN for since ALWAYS and i used to be able to ape basic function, but i cant anymore

im burnt out. im tired. im Beyond burnt out, if i thought death was any better id already be gone, but i dont think it is, and theres people who want me to stay so im staying. but my mother seems to expect me to like, stand up, all shes done is put ground beneath my feet, which isnt nothing, but it doesnt remove the weight on my shoulders, and thats why im sinking in the first place