#im feeling abnormal

[selfdiagnosedeyemotif]

JUNIOR YEAR TRAILER DROPPED AND IM AT SCHOOL AND I CANT WATCH IT RIGHT NOW

[puppyeared]

doodles of my fav sillies

anton belongs to @poicyss

[shalomniscient]

jingliu angst where she only tolerates you cus u remind her of baiheng sjjahagsab im dead

[nsft utc]

tw. mentions of vomiting (?), unhealthy/toxic dynamic, identity loss

you have always been a stray, hungry for scraps.

it began back on your home planet, ravaged and carved by interastral powers of all its resources, leaving behind a gnawing, gaping hole in the ground and the hearts and bellies of its people. you once mourned your more normal childhood—but the hunger in your stomach and in your soul consumed that too. your meals were few and far between, snatched from the hands of other starving husks, and it was the only joy you ever had as a child. the trickery and the thrill. it’s the only joy you get to keep into adulthood, a twisted elation that grants you a place in the cosmic court of jesters; the masked fools.

it’s—predictably—fun. trickery and thrill are the bread and butter of the fools. your mask affords you many, many opportunities for both, and though you have never had your belly achingly empty since, that hunger in your soul is not so easily sated. now, what you crave is the rush, the adrenaline, the oxytocin. and so you dance on marble floors with a different face each time, with partners who either wish you dead or in their beds, the space between you measured in an unfathomable amount of risk which you exchange for an unfathomable amount of thrill. you scamper along the length of this cosmic ballroom like a starving, feral fox in tall grass, the red of your fur as inviting as the white of your teeth are sharp. you hunt and you haunt, seeking something to fit between your aching teeth, something that will burst on the sharp point of your canines and smear your lips with pure elation and maybe satisfy that abyssal hunger in your psyche.

you have always been a stray, hungry for scraps.

and you have never seen more tantalizing a meal than a devil with a coffin and a woman who seeks to kill a god. she holds the tip of a ice-hewn blade beneath your chin the first time you meet, nicking the delicate skin of your neck, just above your pulse. you swallow. let out a laugh that sounds like a barking fox, and the woman’s sword falters. surprisingly, it doesn’t take much for you to convince her to let you tag along on her fool’s errand. it’s almost poetic. you learn of her name—jingliu. it’s pretty. rolls off your tongue. jingliu doesn’t bother to learn yours, but she calls you fox. you don’t mind the scrap of attention. after all, you’ve spent your whole life living off scraps.

travelling with jingliu (and by extension, luocha) does not lack for excitement. the road to deicide is paved with elation, even if your blue-haired companion refuses to see it. through battle and through the long travel between star systems in pursuit of the great fleet, you get somewhat closer to jingliu. it doesn’t take very long for you to slip into her bedroll (or cot, depending where you are). mara, you find, though cannot be cured can certainly be sated; much like the permanent hunger that curls in your belly. jingliu fucks you until neither of you are coherent enough to feel much of anything, madness or hunger. it’s an arrangement you find yourself enjoying. and as a by-product of such intimacy, you learn more about jingliu. her mannerisms, her illness—her past. she doesn’t tell you any of this, of course, but you can put two and two together from the things she lets slip deep in the throes of some nightmare after fucking you senseless. she gets many of those. the pattern is always the same. at first, she’ll sleep relatively soundly. but then, her brow creases, and her lip curls, and she angrily mutters a few names under her breath; a certain dan feng and yingxing. she curses them, then almost makes a noise like a sob, and something else leaves her lips— another name, but this time spoken with heartache and longing.

baiheng.

it doesn’t take much to infer that this baiheng was someone jingliu cared very much about. though when you ask luocha more about her, he reveals a little detail that makes her moderately more interesting—baiheng was a foxian. in some ways, that makes you similar to her, even though foxian you are not. the thought amused you once, as you looked back upon jingliu’s restless, sleeping form. perhaps jingliu saw her lost lover in you. how… quaint. the assumption never bother you, not really—until she starts to call for baiheng while she’s fucking you.

you’re no stranger to casual sex. even before jingliu, you never lacked for partners eager to share a bed with you. no, the fucking itself isn’t the problem—it’s how she’s fucking you. it isn’t with the detachment and pure lust like you’re used to. instead it’s almost like she cares, hands gentle on your hips as she drives her cock in and out of your greedy cunt. she fills you like she never wants for you to want for anything anymore, and even though you know it isn’t you this affection is for, that jingliu is barely even aware that you’re you and not baiheng, you can’t help but devour it feverishly every time.

you have always been a stray, hungry for scraps. and like this, with jingliu’s cock filling your pussy as she deliriously presses the shape of a dead woman’s name against your neck, you finally feel full.

and it makes you sick.

you crawl out of her embrace and spill your guts every time she falls asleep. your body utterly rejects the feeling—you’ve been so used to starving that the sensation of being full turns you ill. and yet, you can’t seem to push her away. you always come back, always relax under her touch, always pliant for her just to chase that brief, beautiful high you’ve never been able to find anywhere else only to bleed it once she’s done. your heart’s a pythagorean cup; a little too much and you’re spilling over. but you’re so greedy for it, still greedy for her. of all things it is affection that’s the most potent drug you’ve ever tasted, beyond the cheap thrill of oxytocin and adrenaline—even if none of it is meant for you, even if it’s just scraps. but that’s fine.

after all—you have always been a stray, hungry for scraps. and if that means wearing the face of a dead woman and letting the hunger finally devour you whole, then so be it.

[lemongogo]

[vigilskeep]

i feel like i skate by without a reputation as a villainfucker mostly because villainy is a male-dominated profession but if meredith is back and we also have eldritch monstrosity ghilan’nain it’s really going to be over for me i fear

[porcubus]

Carmen and roses

i made this to be compared with canto 6's epilogue

[weepingalaxy]

even if it takes you decades, i know that you will come running back like a dog, a wounded dog, to me.

[oceanwithouthermoon]

currently thinking about unreliable narrator saiki kusuo, and the fact that if the manga was written from anyone else's perspective then everyone would see him as a tsundere stalker, borderline yandere..

[watchfrog]

☆☆ฅ(=^･x･^=)

[skitskatdacat63]

Cannot stop thinking about how Fernando was the first one to hug Seb after Monza 2008:

[sneez]

victor kain chronic pain nation rise up (credit to @transdankovsky for this idea :-D)

/ id: two digital drawings. the first image shows victor kain and daniil dankovsky sitting together; daniil is taking victor’s pulse. inside a speech bubble above victor’s head is a screenshot of a question from the duolingo russian course, in which the sentence ‘я – хороший пациент, у меня всегда всë болит’ is translated as ‘i am a good patient, i always have pain everywhere’. the second image shows daniil looking politely horrified. end id. /

[digitalcarcrash]

thinking about alex being a hardcore pacifist pre-operator, yeah sure he's bitchy to everyone more often than not but Physically he wouldn't hurt a fly, only for him to wind up breaking one of his best friend's leg with a block of cement

[chrisrin]

What did bismuth Dirk make Hal FOR?

ALRIGHT! TIME FOR MY SECOND STORY DUMP! We need a bit of context before we get to Hal, so bear with me. (this is a long as fuck post)

SO! Dave and Dirk both come from Homeworld, as all gems do. I'm not super sure on the exacts, as the Alpha Kids are the first ones to leave together and they pick up the Beta Kids later but, we're kind of floating around the idea of Bro being Yellow Diamond or having some sort of equivalent power. Both Dirk and Dave are gems under Yellow, Dirk being a Bismuth and Dave being a Carnelian.

Plot stuff happens, Dirk escapes and at some point comes back to get Dave and now they have a whole squad and all that, yadda-yadda. However, during their escape from Homeworld, something Bad happens and causes Dave to get injured (don't know what it is yet but it's something)

Dave's gem gets cracked but everyone still makes it out okay. Due to whatever the circumstances are surrounding this, only Dave and Dirk know of the status of Dave's gem, Dave starts wearing actual clothing upon getting to Earth to hide his cracked gem, using the excuse that it's cool and he's trying to vibe with the style.

Dirk is a Bismuth, he's been trained his whole life to create weapons of war and things for destruction, and now, faced with one of the people he's come to care about most, it's the one time he can't fix a problem by putting a hammer to it. He can't help Dave, and Dirk blames himself for letting Dave get hurt in the first place, thinking he wasn't strong enough to protect him.

As time goes on, Dave gets worse, and especially after escaping Homeworld, Dave's cracked gem prevents him from spawning his weapon. This means Dave is filled with trauma on top of feeling deeply defenseless, coming from a place where having a weapon on you at all times was the only thing keeping you alive.

Dirk, watching Dave's deterioration, decides that enough is enough and he seeks out Pink Diamond. Upon finding Feferi, Dirk trades in something (A deal? A service?) in exchange for some of her healing material. He brings it to Dave and heals his gem.

So, you'd assume everything's fine and dandy now, right? Surely.

But no, it's Dirk, so it's not.

Dirk looks at this situation and says, "I'm never going to let this happen again" and concludes that the reason Dave got hurt was because he, Dirk, was not strong enough. So Dirk asks, "How do I get stronger?"

At some point during this time, the group is all out doing stuff together and Dirk watches Sollux save all their asses from something. Dirk realizes Sollux is statistically the stronger gem out of the whole group and puts two-and-two together (literally), concluding that what he needs to be powerful is...

Fusion. (do you see where this is heading?)

Will Dirk go and ask Sollux about this? Will he go and maybe ask Roxy, who he trusts? Will he talk to Dave and get his thoughts?

No, of course not. Because Dirk is a little stupid.

Dirk theorizes that if he can splinter his own gem and create an artificially copied fragment of himself, he'd be able to fuse with himself which would avoid having to rely on other people. So Dirk does the one thing he wasn't going to do to Dave. He takes the hammer to himself.

This, as you would imagine, goes fucking horribly wrong.

Dirk creates Hal, who is only a very small sliver of Bismuth. A corrupted gem that can't properly speak, seems to be intelligent, but also fucking hates Dirk.

Dirk, panicked, both because now his own gem is fucked up, but now because he has a little Dude running around his workshop, decides "oh fuck I need to fix this" and tries to fuse with Hal.

It doesn't work. Their fusion isn't stable. They can't fuse back together.

Dirk, having no idea what to do, decides to hide Hal away in his workshop and does his best to lie to everyone. Dave is suspicious, as Dirk starts to wear clothing that covers his gem, but Dave also isn't one for emotional vulnerability so he doesn't ask. Dirk continues to lie to most of everyone, even as his own state gets worse and worse.

Eventually, Sollux realizes what Dirk did. And he's fucking pissed. The lie gets uncovered and Sollux is ANGRY. Remember when Pearl lied to Garnet about the tower and the whole Sardonyx thing? It's like that, but both sides are angry at each other and refuse to apologize.

The rest of the group do their best to take care of Hal, they try to help Dirk fuse properly with him but it's not working, and Dirk keeps trying to force it but they aren't stable.

Eventually, something happens, and Dave gets poofed while they're out on an adventure (obviously Dave can recover, but it's a huge scare for Dirk). It's something Dirk could've easily protected Dave from, but now because he fragmented himself, he's even weaker than before. This is the final tipping stone for Dirk.

He goes to Sollux and apologizes, begging him to help him figure out fusion.

Sollux, resigned, sighs and agrees to help him. With time, Sollux slowly teaches Hal and Dirk how to work together and fuse, gradually helping them become more and more stable until finally they can fuse together and be like normal again.

Even after all of this, Hal and Dirk fused together aren't any more powerful than they were before. But Dirk grew in a different way, learning to trust others and see that not all his problems can be solved by just relying on himself.

Sollux, seeing Dirk & Hal's growth, who have now become a proper permafusion, offers to fuse with them if he wants to try it. Dirk smiles and shakes his head, and says that he'll be happy with where he is for right now, though he wouldn't mind taking it up in the future. Sollux is beaming back, satisfied that Dirk learned his lesson. (and then when shit goes down in the future we have this fucking awesome moment where Dirk and Sollux fuse together for the first time and theyre so fucking cool and i physicall explode)

ANYWAYS THAT'S MY STORY DUMP. LONG-ASS POST I KNOW BUT I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT THEM! HOPE THIS ANSWERS YOUR QUESTION!!

[235uranium]

I haaaaate when ppl treat ford being upset over his identity being taken and his house getting turned into essentially a mockery of his research was completely unreasonable

like, was stan doing his best with a terrible situation? absolutely! would ford kicking him out be an actually fair option? fuck no!

but he's been in this dimension for probably 12 hours. god knows the last time he's slept. he'd been nearly dead prior to going thru the portal and now has to deal with the fact that he's lost everything. he doesn't even have his own identity anymore.

I honestly don't even think half the shit ford says to stan is truly about stanley or ford's opinion of him, so much as it is about his own issues and how weighed down with guilt he is.

I think its worth noting that ford only ever says mean things about stan when he's pissed off- when he's not angry, he's much more willing to actually discuss things and try to find common ground (such as when he invites stan to play d,d&d).

it honestly comes off more as him not knowing how to communicate anger outside of hurting people than it does genuine malice towards stan. and also I don't think ford ever really internalized that stan was homeless in the duration of the show

[werchezdeeno]

aoughhhh argenti quest...how to be the most capable but cringefail at the same time? Hes the master at them simultaneously.

the way he rlly wanted to see wubbaboo 🥺

and i find his relationship with velite very...interesting. during the whole quest it felt like smth happened between them (?) Im not sure how to describe it. The thing abt hsr is time is only convenient to the story. Weeks will pass and the reader wont be informed. Exactly how many days were we in the sting or wtv it was? Definitely more than one day. I might have thought otherwise if velite was not part of the quest, but his behavior says more time has passed. He starts with annoyance than near the end feels affection towards Argenti. He talks as if they have gotten a lot closer over the course of the quest, which further soldified my thoughts. How much time passed from the events of the quest and Argenti's mssgs? Obviously quite a bit since Velite changed careers during this time and how Argenti helped.

Overall the quest was pretty cool, but it would've been so much better if they just added a scene like "___ days later..." or smth like that. Or "the next day". The timing kinda threw me off since it didnt take very long but felt as it should have.

But what himeko said at the end kinda made me sad for argenti. He's essentially looking for something that can't be found. Or maybe idrila can idk how aeons work.

[habeascorpseus]

thinks about "you would kill me?" "i would kill for you. never you," and cellbit's love language being destruction.

thinks about how cellbit will go to any length of self destruction for those he loves. thinks about him not sleeping for months, drinking coffee obsessively, until he's eventually too tired even to boil it and thus begins resorting to eating coffee beans, so he could keep himself sane. thinks about cellbit running from a bear with a chainsaw, and being forced to talk to him as a subordinate for months afterwards. thinks about him pushing people away so theyd let him destroy himself for the federation, unsure if the information he gathered would even be worth it. thinks about the slow death of the self, how much time one can spend running before they collapse from exhaustion, the love in demanding your family eat your corpse.

and then... thinks about outward destruction. thinks about broken trust in the form of an unusable xp machine. thinks about broken hearts in the form of custody battles. corpses with ciphers scribbled in blood left for long lost sisters who don't get it, not yet. badboyhalo describes cellbit pulling a knife on someone when he jokingly asks him to as less personal, and more like a dog being told to play fetch. thinks about him plunging into ravines and caves to kill bad's enemies as bad followed behind, being the first of them to die for bad's victory. thinks about "keep your hands clean." cats bring their owners dead birds out of concern for them being fed, cellbit brings enigmas and bodies because it's all the damage he can do. in a life shaped by violence, how else do you show loyalty than through a willingness to hunt for those who arent strong enough, to kill unthinkingly when they ask? it terrifies his family, but it's all he has left to give.

there are so many parallels between felps' kidnapping arc and the current one. the difference is in how many people are also at their breaking point and couldn't afford to see their rock crumbling. cellbit's mind was the bright light for every damn person on the server who had questions, and at this point, that number is all of them. and no matter where he looks, how much he wants to save them, there are no answers. there is no satisfying conclusion. if only he could go home at night and sleep soundly without thinking about the evidence of his failure to protect anyone resting beneath his feet. there are only more dead ends, more wheels, more humiliation, more degradation of his sanity as he's unable to sleep. his family has been picked off and the remainder have picked apart his corpse to scraps of marrow and flesh and are still starving, too terrified to hunt for themselves. what a blessing that cellbit's hands are already bloodied, and he's angry enough to tear apart the wardens for them to feast.