#im emotionally fine I'm just EXHAUSTED

[mytardisisparked]

I feel like the weight of the last week is finally hitting me and I maybe need to sleep for 48 hours but I just drank a ton of caffiene so I guess I'm gonna read instead.

[pyrriax]

mayhaps coming up with a fic idea :3

[callme-holly]

could you maybe please do some scenarios for (y/n) comforting sodapop, Dallas, ponyboy, and Johnny if you want please. also could you please make the reader fem please and thank you

𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐠𝐚𝐧𝐠 [𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐞𝐬 𝐃𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐬 𝐖𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐧, 𝐒𝐨𝐝𝐚𝐩𝐨𝐩 𝐂𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐬, 𝐏𝐨𝐧𝐲𝐛𝐨𝐲 𝐂𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐬, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐉𝐨𝐡𝐧𝐧𝐲 𝐂𝐚𝐝𝐞.]

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞 - im a little behind on requets but im getting there! i've got my final exam of this week tomorrow and then i'll be a lot speedier, i promise. asks are still open for requests!!

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 - 1.6k

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 - mentions of fighting, getting jumped and small injury detail

Dallas Winston -  The room is quiet as you card your fingers through Dallas’ hair, the greaser’s head resting against your thigh. His eyes are closed, and there's a nasty bruise blossoming on his cheekbone, accompanied by a few bloodied scrapes that he refuses to let you clean. There’s dried blood crusted beneath his nose, which you wipe away gently with the pad of your thumb, humming softly under your breath as he breathes out a low, soft groan.  “You alright?” Your tone is barely above a whisper as you tug at the ends of his mussy locks, pushing them back from his face. He blinks once or twice, his eyelashes fanning against his cheeks, and his expression is a little less pained than it was just minutes ago.  “Yeah,” he murmurs after a moment, “fine.” He shifts a little bit so that his head is now more firmly planted upon your lap, and he wraps an arm around your waist, pulling you closer in a half embrace. You reach down between the two of you and retrieve the ice pack that is sitting forgotten beside you, pressing it against his swollen cheek once more.  He makes a disgruntled noise but doesn't open his eyes again.  “Sorry 'bout this.” His voice is rough, strained from the exertion: “Y' shouldn't have to take care of me all the damn time.” The words fall heavy between the two of you as he speaks, and you smile softly, shaking your head. “It ain't too much trouble, really.” You rub small circles against his bicep, pressing a light kiss to his forehead. “And besides...” your voice drops to an almost conspiratorial murmur, “I like taking care of you. It makes me feel better when I know you're not lying dead in a ditch somewhere.”  He gives you a lopsided grin at that, eyes still closed. “You've got so much faith in me, doll.”  Your smile widens, feeling something twist inside of you. You take his hand, squeezing it gently before pressing a quick kiss to his busted-up knuckles. “Whatever.” 

Sodapop Curtis -  A small sigh leaves your lips as Soda buries his face in your chest, arms wrapped tightly around your middle, tears cascading down his cheeks as he struggles for air.  It pains you to see him like this, his usual bright smile replaced with a look of pure anguish, silent sobs racking his body. You rub slow circles against his back, mumbling soft words of reassurance into his ear as he clings to your shirt. “I don’t understand,” he gasps, his voice thick with emotion. “Why can't they just get along? They never used to be like this. A shudder runs through him, and you tighten your hold on him, rocking him a bit back and forth as he cries. “Shh, Soda, hey, you need to breathe,” you murmur soothingly, combing your fingers through his hair. “You’re gonna make yourself sick.” You press a soft kiss to the top of his head, hushing him quietly as his cries gradually abate.  “I just want them to get along.” Soda whispers brokenly, burying his face against your collarbones. “I'm tired of being made to pick sides. I don't wanna be in the middle all the time.” You hum sympathetically, shifting slightly so that you can wrap both arms around him and pull him as close as physically possible. Soda melts into your touch, relaxing fully against you. You can tell he's exhausted, both emotionally and physically.  "I hate it.” He sounds miserable. “All they do is yell at each other. Darry is way too hard on Pony, and Pony's trying his hardest, but he can only take so much–" Soda stops abruptly, his breath hitched in his throat as another sob tears from him, wracking his body. His grip tightens around your middle and your heart clenches painfully at the sight.  “I just want things to go back to normal.” You give a slow nod, closing your eyes. “I know, I know. It'll be okay.” You press another gentle kiss to his temple and run your hands slowly up and down his spine, trying to offer as much comfort as you can. He relaxes under your touch, melting further into you as he tries to take deep, steady breaths, struggling to control himself.  You tilt his chin up so that he's looking at you once more, running your thumb over his cheek. “I love you, you know” “Mm,” he hums, blinking rapidly to rid his vision of the last remnants of tears. His eyes meet yours, and even though his gaze is glassy and filled with sadness and pain, his expression is soft and tender. “Love you too.”

Ponyboy Curtis -  You're sitting in the lot, your jacket pulled tightly around you, when you hear the sound of approaching footsteps. You stiffen and turn sharply, expecting to see a group of drunken socs or the odd greaser looking for trouble, only to come face to face with none other than Ponyboy Curtis. He has tears streaming down his cheeks, his hair mused as he all but throws himself at you, shoulders shaking and chest heaving. You don’t speak a word as you pull him into your arms, rubbing your hands over his shoulders in an attempt to calm him. His head comes to rest on your shoulder, one fist clutching the front of your sweater as tight as possible, the other hanging uselessly by his side. For several moments, he sits in silence, letting you hold him while he finally manages to collect himself. Then he pulls back, wiping furiously at his face. “Sorry…” You don’t miss the way he averts his gaze from you as he speaks, refusing to make eye contact. “Didn't mean to bother you; I just—”  You shake your head, interrupting him. “There’s no reason for you to apologise.” You pause, considering for a long moment before continuing. “What's up?”  He exhales shakily, then hesitantly meets your gaze again. “I—Darry yelled at me again. He got real mad this time.” His voice cracks, and you pull him close once more. You know Darry’s been harder on him as of late, expecting too much of a boy Pony’s age. You know he means well, but you also know the toll it’s been taking on the younger Curtis brother and how difficult these past few weeks have been for him.  “Sometimes I don't think Darry likes me very much.” You can hear the vulnerability in his tone, unable to miss how broken he appears. He's not crying anymore; if anything, he looks a little embarrassed and ashamed. You frown, brushing his damp bangs from his forehead. “Don't be ridiculous.” Your tone is firm, determined to keep him from ever getting caught up in that dark spiral. “He cares about you a whole lot.” “He's got a funny way of showin' it.” Pony grumbles softly, and you can't help but laugh at his bluntness, wrapping your arms tighter around him. “I wish he'd be nicer. I really don't like all the fighting we do.” “I know. But it'll get easier.” You look down at him. “If you want, I can go talk some sense into him.” That earns you a smile as Ponyboy nods, squeezing you a little tighter. “Good luck. I doubt he’ll listen.” You press a quick kiss to his forehead, smiling softly. “I’ll try my best.”

Johnny Cade -  Arms circle around your waist, gripping onto you tightly as you comb your fingers through his tangled, and still heavily greased, hair. Johnny’s head rests in your lap, eyes squeezed shut as he tries desperately to fall into some sort of relaxed state, but he just can't seem to find the will within himself to do so. You watch him silently, running a finger absently along his jawline, taking in the bruises and cuts littering his face and arms. He looks worn thin and broken; his cheeks are tear-stained and hollowed by exhaustion. His breathing remains unsteady and uneven, his skin pale, and you can't help but reach out and brush the pad of your thumb across the faint lines beneath his eyes, your brow furrowing deeply. He flinches slightly but doesn’t open his eyes, his breath hitching. “Sorry,” You whisper, going back to smoothing your hand over his hair. “Didn’t mean to startle you.”  Johnny lets out a soft sigh, leaning his forehead against your stomach. “S' okay…” He shifts a little closer to you, reaching for your hand and lacing your fingers together. “...just glad yer here.” You bite your lower lip, tracing patterns into the back of his hand with your thumb, pressing soft kisses against his forehead as you let him snuggle closer, relishing in the simple closeness of it all. It eases your nerves knowing he's safe with you and calms the storm raging inside of you. Your mind wanders back to earlier, the images of him lying, half-dead, in that field flashing unbidden through your mind.   It takes a lot to make Johnny Cade cry, but the second you had knelt down beside him and pulled him into your arms while the gang huddled about you, his composure had completely crumbled. Sobs had wracked his body, shaking his entire frame, and you could do nothing but hold him until he had finally calmed down. And now, here he was, curled up into your embrace, clinging to you like a lifeline. Every little noise made him jump, every sudden movement made his muscles tense, and your heart ached for him. You wanted so badly to make everything better, but there was nothing you could do. All you could do was stay there, holding him as he cried, wishing that there was something you could do besides sit by and whisper softly to him. But, you know, right now, just you being there is enough for him.

𝐚𝐬𝐤𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐧 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐬!!

[missmeinyourbones]

we NEED "i'm just too soft for all of it." IWHT MEGUMI PLS IM BEGGING

I'M JUST TOO SOFT FOR ALL OF IT (m. fushiguro)

a/n: me making up medical shit LMFAO, repressed and emotionally constipated megumi, deadbeat dad t*ji, slight mentions and undertones of toxic masculinity

L’s MIDNIGHTS EVENT!

Since he was four years old and still growing into his long-sleeved sweaters, Megumi has learned to heal his own wounds or almost die trying.

A routine that he now knows like the back of his hand, he'd returned from his latest mission with weeping cuts and exhaustion clear beneath his eyes, making a point to stop at the medical closet before returning to his dorm. With Shoko's workday over, he makes a mental note to visit her first thing in the morning when he wakes. 

He can make it through the night, he always does. Because Megumi is a thinker. He plans until he can't and covers all bases for when they're stolen. He gets by. 

What he didn't take into account was potentially running into you, of all people. Dormitory halls barren and almost eerie, he nearly curses himself for brushing shoulders as you turn the corner on the way back to your own room. 

Your timing has always been wrong, or maybe it's right and Megumi can't differentiate between the two. 

And now he's here, on the creaky wooden floor of the medicinal closet, with you kneeling beside him and prodding at his injuries with tender wrists. 

Never one to be good with idle hands, Megumi fidgets and tries to brush at the dried blood on his shoulder. The action has both of you hissing—him in a jolt of pain and you in reaction to his hurt. 

"Don't touch it," your voice falters to be stern, still coming out so gently. Megumi thinks about the irony of that—of how you can't even be sharp if you tried. You're too gentle, too soft to even sound hard momentarily. 

Humiliated at the mere idea of doing nothing, at needing help, he shakily exhales and returns his attention to the floor. 

When the damp cotton pad in your hand touches a bit too deep in one of his cuts, Megumi does his best to save face but can't help the grunt of breath that gets sucked into his lungs. 

Immediately, he feels you retract from his skin and coo your apologies. Carefully returning your attention to the burning wound, you do your best to soothe him. 

"Sorry, it's deeper than it looks. Almost over."

Megumi's response is quick and curt, like a cut of its own, "It's fine."

You nod hesitantly before grabbing the bottle of antiseptic and another clean cotton round. The cleaning of his wounds continues in silence, though your thoughts are louder than anything. 

His injuries vary in size. Some deeper, fresher, than others. Some looking like one-hit victims and others a repeated attack. You do your best to take note of where he's sensitive, where he's hurting the most. 

When you reach a certain scratch on his bicep, you're able to catch a glimpse of his face. Sweat beading on his forehead and damp hair sticking to his skin, Megumi bites the collar of his uniform to suppress any kind of noise (weakness) from you. 

When he slips up and lets out a guttural muffled groan, you think you might audibly whimper yourself. 

"You can yell if you want to," you try to help him in any way you can, "or squeeze my hand or—"

"I'm fine," Megumi attempts to bark again, but this time is different. It's not cold or sharp like it was last time. You can hear how it shakes against the echos of the closet, how it sounds like the burn of tears building in a sore throat.

And between the pain everywhere he still has feeling and the intimacy of you carefully caressing him, Megumi finds himself tearing up. 

"Hey," he feels you whisper, attempting to caress his jaw and prompt him to look at you, "hey, you okay?"

He can't find it in himself to answer nor lift his head, so he sniffles like a kicked child and crinkles his nose in disgust at his own pathetic actions.

Megumi is tough, one of the toughest people you know. You've seen him more beat up than this and barely break a sweat. Your head feels light at the realization that something's wrong. He shouldn't be in this much pain from the familiar burning of antiseptic he's felt a dozen times over. Maybe it's from a cursed weapon, or a technique where—

A stifled sob cuts you off.  

Like a glass cracking beneath pressure, you feel something inside you break. No longer caring about cleaning his cuts or avoiding sensitive areas, you can't stop yourself from wrapping around his hunched frame. 

Megumi's breath hitches as you hold him, feels your hair tickling his neck when you rub his back and whisper.

"I'm sorry, I know, but you're doing so good, okay? And I'm almost done—"

"Don't do that," he bites. 

Assuming he's referring to prodding at a specific wound, you flinch and loosen your grip, "Do what?"

"Talk to me like that," he snarls with a crack, "in that—voice."

He feels your head remove its weight from his shoulder slowly, "Why?"

"Because I can't—" Megumi's voice almost breaks before he whines, gritting his teeth when he whimpers, "I can't handle it."

And just like that, Megumi is four years old again. He's scraping his knee on the concrete of his front lawn, and a blurry father-shaped figure with dark hair and legs far too tall tells him to be a man. Not being old enough to use the stove without supervision, but still knowing enough to save his cries for his pillow when Tsumiki is snoring and can't overthink his tears. He thinks of Gojo—of the first time he broke down in front of him and was met with whispers of good intent and love that registered in his brain as pity. Humiliation.

He doesn't realize he's crying until he feels your fingertips on his wet cheeks, replacing the stinging of antiseptic with a fluttering and velvety touch. 

Between sniffled strings of apologies and a few hiccups of words that don't quite make sense, you piece together that Megumi isn't crying because he's in pain. He's crying because he can, because you're helping him in a way he never asked for, let alone known. 

"I've never...been allowed to, like, feel—"

"Hey," you're soft again, as if you ever weren't. "I know," fingers delicately brush his sticky eyelashes when you remind him, "but you are now."

"Are what?"

"Allowed," you whisper against his cheek, "to feel however you want when you're around me."

And Megumi doesn't know how you do it. How you remain a light in a world that's constantly doing all it can to kick you while you're down. Maybe you're just naive, so stupidly optimistic that it'll eventually be your own demise. Maybe.

But, Megumi can't find himself to care, because he knows that for as long as he's on this earth, he'll be damned if he lets anything happen to that light of yours. 

Back to reality and rubbing at his stinging eyes, Megumi softly scoffs. "Y'know, sometimes you look at me with those stupid eyes and I don't know what happens, but I almost feel sick."

Your laughter tastes like water, "I know what you mean. But in a good way though, right?"

"Yeah," he nods, "in a good way."

When Megumi's back finally hits his mattress at an ungodly hour of the morning—something he's been dreaming of since he'd left it hours ago—he's sickeningly sore and his eyes burn with hypersensitivity. He lets himself close his eyes thinking of your hands, the ones that soaked his now scabbing wounds and wiped his watery eyes. 

Megumi plans, sure, but he never could have prepared for you. 

[epicthemusical]

Cracked Mask pt 2

WARNINGS:Very low self esteem, abandonment and neglectful/emotionally abusive mother read at your own risk!

part 1 here

He goes quiet and freezes at a knock on his door. No he can't let anyone see him like this! He waits for the person to leave but they knock again

“Polites are you okay?” Oh gods that was Odysseus’s voice! He quickly washes and dries his face plastering a smile on hoping it will be enough.

“Please answer me, I'm worried about you..” A deep breath double checking his smile before opening the door.

“Hello sorry it took so long. What is it you need?” Odysseus frowns a little not seeming to believe his cracked mask of a smile.

“Hey are you feeling alright?” Polites pours more effort into his smile desperate to convince his friend he is okay.

“Of course I am, why would I not be okay?” Odysseus looks sad and almost disappointed just like his mother Odysseus sighs

“Polites please stop. I can tell you're not okay, just tell me what's wrong.” Polites feels anxiety rising at even the thought of showing how broken he is. He can't let Odysseus know if he finds out he will leave him just like his mother. His smile is paper thin now.

“I'm sorry I don't know what you mean. I am only a bit tired and I would like to take a small nap.” At this Polites attempts to close the door only for Odysseus to stop it with his foot. Odysseus has a frown on his face obviously frustrated

“Polites-”

“IM FINE” he finally snaps and then freezes his eyes wide

“I'm so sorry i didnt- i-” Odysseus gets over his shock and shoves his way into Polites room closing the door behind him. Polites flinches. Oh gods why did he do that? How could he snap like that at Odysseus?! He starts hyperventilating, tears starting to fall.

He is suddenly pulled into a hug and he tenses before finally collapsing into the comforting hold. Odysseus holds him tight whispering comforting words letting Polites calm down. Once he finally stops he feels empty

“I'm sorry Odysseus you can go now. You shouldn't have had to deal with this.” He tries to pull away but Odysseus keeps him in his arms

“No i'm not leaving you alone right now. You are obviously not okay.” Polites sighs the empty feeling is spreading throughout his body and he feels heavy as lead. He prepares himself for Odysseus to scold him or say he doesn't want to be friends anymore.

He is shocked to feel tears on his back. Did he make Odysseus cry?!

“Oh gods i'm sorry please don't cry-” Odysseus holds him tighter

“How long has this been going on?” Polites stays silent not wanting to admit just how long he has felt like this. Odysseus' shoulders are shaking as he continues

“How long- how long have I been letting you suffer alone?” Polites slumps more into his friends hold feeling exhaustion hit him.

“I…I have always been like this…” He feels Odysseus flinch before whispering his next words

“What…you mean to say the entire time we have been friends i have been ignorant of your suffering?” Polites sighs

“I’m sorr-” Odysseus tenses

“Don't you DARE apologize! If anyone should apologize it's me! I should have noticed sooner than this and helped you.. I- I failed you, I'm so sorry!” Polites just stares in shock before he quickly wraps his arms around his friend.

“No- no please don't apologize! It's not your fault i- i just i was scared…” Odysseus calms his breathing a bit still holding Polites tight

“You NEVER have to be scared of me. I could never do anything to hurt you, I thought you knew that.” Polites chuckles wetly

“Yeah i should have known better.It's just my mother….she made me believe i was a burden and that people would always end up leaving me once they saw how messed up i was…” Odysseus' eyes shined angrily

“Lets move to the bed this will take a while. I want you to tell me everything.” Polites sniffles and nods, both of them moving onto the bed still clinging to each other. The rest of the day is filled with tears and comfort.

Eventually they both fall asleep still cuddled close and for once Polites sleeps with a smile and happy dreams.

[tired-of-being-nice]

the sound

*emerges from finals covered in blood* IM ALIVE *throws this down* *leaves*

anyway, enjoy a little showing of how coren is kept in line!

cws: brainwashing/conditioning, sensory overload (sort of), willing brainwashing

Coren's head isn't working right. It feels all floaty, not quite attached to its body. By the time it got back to where it was supposed to be it was already late in the day and it was too exhausted to give a proper explanation of why it was so late and what it was doing last night. It just begged forgiveness as much as it could when it couldn't think in coherent sentences, much less speak, and now it's sitting on a chair putting all its strength into staying upright and waiting patiently to be told what its punishment is.

It hopes it's the noise. It really, really hopes that. Not just because the alternative is being alone and it can't bear being alone, but because it's so tired and it can't think straight and the noise will help with that, it always does. It'll fix Coren. Make them able to do their job again. Coren wants to be able to do a good job. They want to so badly.

Its head hurts so terribly, which is good, because if it didn't it thinks it would probably slide right off the chair and collapse onto the ground, but it hurts, it hurts so much, the lights are too bright in here and their thoughts are chasing each other in circles and their ears are starting to ring–

"–ren? Coren?" 

Coren blinks and squints at the blurry figure in front of them until it resolves into the shape of Erica, their...manager, or handler, or whatever it is you want to call her.

"Hi, Erica," they mumble. "I don't feel good."

"I can tell that," Erica says with a raised eyebrow, and Coren shrinks back in shame. "What are you holding?"

Coren turns their head to stare at the spatula clutched in their hand. "I, um...dunno."

Erica sighs. "Well, I don't have time to pry it away now. Come on. We've decided you need some more time with the Sound."

Coren perks up immediately and follows behind Erica obediently, mustering their protesting body through the few steps with the promise of soon, soon, soon.

The noise room is empty and white and clean, and Erica shoves Coren inside in a way they'd protest usually but today are grateful for.

The door shuts behind them, and there's a slight click from the speakers, and then the Sound comes on.

It's like white noise but more, resounding, near-deafening, filling the room and your mind until you can't hear yourself think, let alone scream.

(They did use to scream, didn't they? They almost remember that, every time they come in here. But it never sticks— the sound takes it away, and besides, they don't want to remember something so unpleasant.)

Coren sighs, slumping bonelessly to the floor, a dazed smile spreading across their face. The noise drowns out any thoughts, rises and falls in waves, crashing against Coren's brain and gently smoothing away all the pesky contradictory thoughts that had been nagging at them. The ache of starvation fades from their limbs, and the haze of sleepiness melts from their mind. Everything is fine. Everything is alright. 

(but milo–) shhhh (but i have to–) shhhhhh (i'm still hungry–) shhhh (i can't rememb–) shhhhhhhh

This is so nice. Coren doesn't need to worry now. What was there to worry about, anyway? They're safe. The Company has them. The Company loves them.

Their fingers loosen, and the spatula drops from their hand, forgotten.

that's right! it was an EMOTIONALLY SIGNIFICANT SPATULA this whole time! haha!

taglist: @whumpsoda @snakebites-and-ink

[genderfluid-info-blog]

this is kind of a silly question but I'm 21 and I've never properly come out yet, im terrified to, but I'm finally in a safe place to do so. I'm very proud of my identity as genderfluid but I'm worried people won't understand it, how do I come out to people?

Hey! I'm very late to answering this ask but I'll do it anyway in case someone else needs to hear it as well.

But this is not silly at all!! Being scared of coming out is a very real and very valid feeling, especially when its your first time doing so. It'll get a little bit easier each time you say it. <3

Also, congratulations!! I'm glad you're proud of your identity and that you're in a safe place to come out, that is always the most important thing. Do not compromise your safety.

As for your question, I think you should reframe your expectations. Unfortunately you will eventually meet people who won't understand genderfluidity and also some who refuse to educate themselves or let themselves be educated. You can't change people who don't want to change. You can however protect your own peace.

Genderfluidity and the label genderfluid are often terms that people don't know/fully understand, so you might need to explain it when you come out. You could briefly explain it and then watch a video/read an article together with the person or give them resources so they can educate themselves. But as long as they are open and willing to learn, it will be fine!

And if someone refuses to, then that's not your burden to bear. I know it can be vary difficult to process, but just know that there is nothing wrong with you and their refusal is not your fault. Process your feelings, feel them, but don't internalize it as a fault on your part, because it's not. Try to surround yourself with things and people that comfort you.

Now, as for the coming out:

It depends on you! Do you want to make it a big deal or keep it lowkey? Multiple people at the same time or one by one? Do you want to do it in person or over text/call? Etc. Really think about it and choose whichever you're the most comfortable with

Ideas for big coming outs: invite them over, bake a cake, announce it at a hang-out/gathering etc.

Ideas for keeping it lowkey: choose a calm/familiar environment, pull them aside and tell them; write it on a note/letter and pass it to them; text them; make joke about it or just drop it in a conversation etc.

You could also tell one person that you're the closest with/most comfortable with first and then ask them to come and support you when you tell others

It all depends on what you want and what you're most comfortable with really! Coming out can be really emotionally exhausting and scary, so take all the time and help that you need :)

I also have another post with some tips and thoughts about coming out here

[matan4il]

Thank you for your daily posts. And for keeping up the updates. I'm exhausted by the war and the hatred and the gaslighting and I appreciate you so much.

מקווה להיפגש על אמת יום אחד, בזמנים טובים יותר. יישר כוח. שולחת המון אהבה.

(I hope it's okay, because of my health, I've been falling behind on replying to asks, so I wanna respond to a bunch of lovely ones here...)

Awwww, hi lovely! :D It's so wonderful to get this message from you! Thank you SO MUCH! I appreciate you as well, and I am sending you the biggest of hugs!

I think we're all emotionally drained by what has been going on, not just Hamas' brutal massacre, or the war it forced us into and the pain and loss it is causing us continuously, or the terrorist attacks that keep on killing us and hurt even more after the massacre, or having to deal with the impossible choices Hamas has forced on us, but also the wave of hatred towards us that started on Oct 7, while our people were still being massacred.

It's even worse when we remember that this wave was enabled by antisemitic propaganda, which has been spread for so much longer, way before they could have used the current war as justification. But it really shows how Jews are treated worse doesn't it? All land back movements should be supported, but Jews returning to their native land is evil and racist, all violence and killing is bad, but killing Jews for living in their native land is "resistance," rape is bad and victims should always be listened to, but Jewish victims of rape are to be doubted and ignored if they're living in the Jewish ancestral land, colonialism is horrible and practically any act is justified in resisting it, but Arab colonialism can be easily ignored and even denied, at the same time as Jewish people being native to Israel will be erased, so that the anti-colonial narrative can be comfortably misapplied to Israel and justify the crimes perpetrated against Jews in and outside our homeland, genocide is the worst of crimes, making it incredibly serious, but when it can be used against Jews, suddenly every keyboard warrior is an expert on it and does not hesitate to falsely apply it to Israel in a manner that minimizes and disrespects actual genocides and their victims (including Jewish ones), intentionally targeting civilians is a war crime, but it's fine if Hamas declares its intent to kill every Jew in the world, most of whom are civilians, because *throws out another false slogan, but hey, it rhymes*...

אני גם מקוה להיפגש יום אחד, כך שאם את מתישהו בירושלים אנא אל תהססי ליצור איתי קשר, ואני שולחת מלא אהבה בחזרה!

Hey, I want to thank you for everything you've been doing. I'm not Jewish, but I have been trying to be as supportive as I currently can be, and I feel it helps me do that to actually know what's happening. I hope you haven't been being sent a bunch of horrible things because of the war, even though I know you probably have. Thank you again.

Thank YOU so much for this kindness, both your message and your support for Jewish people! I know it's probably the worst time to be an ally to Jews, which is why I appreciate each and every single one of you even more than I usually already do. I'll do my best to keep updating, and I also now have, in addition to my general Israel tag, a resources tag which I tried to fill with some of the more important subjects I've covered, and for which I provided links to reliable sources. I hope this is also something that's useful to you! As for hate, I've gotten a lot of it. But if those people think they're doing anything other than exposing themselves as cruel, and not caring about humaneness at all, and if they think I'm more scared of their nasty messages than I care about the well being of my own people, they obviously have no idea about who I am as a human being (which I guess is not surprising, if they don't really acknowledge me as one).

Thank you again, I'm sending you love and nothing but the best wishes, always!

next time Im at Yad Vashem Im gonna ask every staff member if they are you it would be an honor to meet you in person

That's so very kind, Nonnie! But I'm honestly nothing special. Yad Vashem itself is an incredibly powerful place to visit, anyone who would guide you through it will give you a prfound experience, I have no doubt of it. But if you ever are there, and you tell the guards you're looking for me (the head of security is actually one of my best friends, so I know he always keeps an eye on me and my whereabouts), it would be nice to say hi! :D

thank you for all your daily updates

No, Nonnie, thank YOU! I seriously appreciate the kindness of your message and encouragement!

From @blu-eyed-demon -

Thank you so much, my lovely Jace! This is so kind and sweet, and you have been an amazing, continued source of comfort. You have so much kindness at a time when that's so scarcely found, I just with you that will always be met and wrapped with just as much kindness in return, everywhere you turn! *sends so much love*

From @yelenasbuddie -

Hey.. I'm just passing by to give you 💐💐💐 so you can have a much more wonderful day. Even if we don't talk much, I'd like to say that you are loved and mattered. I believe in you and you got this 🩷🩷🩷

and also -

Hope you are loved 🩷🩷🩷🧡💜🥰

Sweet Yelena! Thank you so much for all of your messages, I can't tell you how much I treasure them. I'm sure you feel like you're caught up in the middle of a storm, and I know it's not easy remaining strong in the middle of that, but you have, and I hope you give yourself a lot of credit for that, I def do. I'm also hopeful that you always see the measure of your own kindness reflected back to you! Sending lots of hugs and kisses and all the cutesy emojis in the world, to make you feel loved! (sorry, as a Jew I don't celebrate Valentine's Day, but I hope you had a lovely one...)

Been following you since the Robron days. Proud to still be following you now 🦾

Nonnie, this is so lovely! I can't believe you're still here since then! I'm the one who's proud to have such a wonderful follower. IDK if we've ever talked, but I hope I always made you feel appreciated if we did, and welcome and enriched even if we didn't. Thank you for sticking it out with me through the best and worst of times, it means so much! Sending you love!

From @dominikadecember -

sending you lots and lots and lots of love

Thank you so much, my lovely Dom! I hope you know you've been a real help throughout all of this, and that I manage to show you how much I appreciate you. I'm sending you tons of love back!

here to put some jewish love and kindness in ur inbox 💗✡️🇮🇱

Thank you so much, Nonnie! This is so gorgeous, I love it, and I appreciate you for the beautiful human you are. I'm assuming you're Jewish as well, so I hope it's okay if I send Jewish love, pride in the way we're standing up to all this hatred, and kindness right back to you, and I hope you're doing well throughout all this!

hey just wanted to say i really appreciate you and your blog.

Thank you wholeheartedly, Nonnie! I really appreciate this kindness, and I hope you know that you put a smile on my face, and that you really help and make a difference! Sending hugs and hope you're well!

To the Nonnie who doesn't know or follow me, but still had a look at my blog instead of just blindly accpeting the notion that I'm a bad person, and then added -

You're not a terrible person. My sympathy and support. It's awful how tumblr is suddenly full of antisemitic sheep.

Thank you so very much! I seriously don't know how to express to you how much it means to me, to know that there are people out there, who don't automatically participate in judging and silencing others, when it has become the more popular thing to do. IDK if you'll see this, since you're not following me, but I hope you do, because to me, you're the person who refuses to do the antisemitic salute just because everyone else is, and knowing that people can still have that strength, integrity and kindness really matters to me, and to other Jews who watch with horror the ease with which we're being vilified and de-humanized. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart for that, I seriously can't wish you enough good things...

Thank you to everyone who says, does, supports Jewish people, no matter how much you think it might be a small gesture. It all matters, you make the world a better place, and you give Jews hope! xoxox

(for all of my updates and ask replies regarding Israel, click here)

[confessionsofa-roleplayer]

Considering giving up RP. The RPC has become so parasocial and needy that it feels near impossible to just run an ROLEPLAY blog anymore without people clinging on for dear life as if you've been best friends for 20 years+. I love talking to people, writing with them, even befriending them but my lord, the amount of people I've had block me, send me nasty messages, go off on me for not being emotionally available to them 24/7. "OH my god, you haven't been around due to real life circumstances? That must mean you HATE me!" No. It means I have a life and was busy, I made a post about it. You probably didn't bother to read it. It's so exhausting. I know people here will comment, "people online are people too! You shouldn't ignore them!" You also shouldn't expect someone to live their life online. I'm honestly content sending letters between friends, speaking to them every few months or when they need someone to talk to. I've had people on here pick me up and drop me only when they were hyperfixating on that fandom and they're the SAME people who have become upset with me when I've not been around. So it's fine when you do it, but not if I do it? I always tell my mutuals that what I give is exactly what I expect. I DO NOT expect you to wait on my every message, I DO NOT expect you to be around ALL of the time, because I AM NOT. It's just such an insane amount of pressure for what once used to be a hobby where you could log in, write, speak via asks or IMS and then log off and go do whatever else. Now, you have to be online 24/7, discord / tumblr in your pocket, on the go. You have to be emotionally available to people you write fictional characters with and that, to me, is insane.

[unopenablebox]

god this is long sorry. mention of various familial deaths previously mentioned on this blog cw or something

🌸 is now having an issue at work that's likely to cause them a great deal of stress/emotional distress for like a medium length period? im expecting that they'll be really busy and need emotional support/benefit a lot from having things reduced in friction e.g. me taking care of dishes and food more etc.

which is, you know, fine. except that well

as you know my grandfather died last week and i spent most of last week 1. in a state of paralyzing terror about my own work thing, now resolved 2. traveling on short notice so i could be emotional/logistical help for my dad whose father just died, which i did like. a moderately ok job at i would say. i was better than nothing

and also my mom has 1. had a lot of feelings about her recently dead father brought up by all this 2. also been having a lot of feelings about him because w the exception of coming back for the funeral she has been staying in my grandparents' house in another city so she can sort through and get rid of his belongings AND 3. my grandmother, who had to go and come back w her for the funeral which she found exhausting bc she's 92, is increasingly confused/obstinate and this causes my mom lots of stress and angst directly and also again about her dad being dead bc thats why my grandmother is coping worse.

and dealing with all of this in person was really tiring and also helping to organize/cook for/personally host Mourning Shabbat Dinner on one day's notice was exhausting, and also i guess i am also one of the people whose grandfather just died and other grandfather died like six months ago but i don't really think there's a ton of space for me to consider if i think that's relevant

and to be honest i was kind of looking forward to this week as one where i could take it easy a little mentally, like, my mom would still text me random distressing mementos of my grandfather's early life, but work should be pretty chill this week & my dad still has a lot of his family & friends around him so might not need me quite as much & i do have to try and manage my not-entirely-voluntary new trainee at work but nothing terrible happens to him if i fuck up it a little; & so i basically did nothing but get home and pass out last night because i figured it would help me feel better & i could spend more time w 🌸 later in the week and get back on track

but instead-- this. which is fine, right, i have slack, i can do the dishes and make some dinners and try to be distracting and helpful and reassuring. but it turns out that if 🌸 is having a hard time and i need to express feelings/want emotional support i talk to my mom. and my attempt to express the concept "well i'm a bit stressed out because i was hoping to be able to recover a bit this week and save my emotional reserves for supporting you and dad, and instead this happened, so now i feel really preemptively exhausted and anxious and a little sad that i am going into month two of it being impossible to have pleasant relaxed interactions with my partner" was so impossible for my mother to process right now at her current level of exhaustion/distress that she literally just fell silent and then changed the subject without ever directly acknowledging it, which is. not typical for her. so she's clearly not available for anything resembling me needing emotional support from her. which is again incredibly understandable.

but, you know, it turns out there are three people on earth i can call if i am having a hard time and they are all having a much more direct hard time and i am mainly having a hard time about how upset they are. so. instead i guess i will say nothing to anyone? and vaguely regret not forming more highly emotionally intimate personal friendships with people? i suppose technically there's two other people where it wouldn't be an insane overstep but one i haven't talked to in 6 months, one lives in australia now, and theyve both always been way more busy and stressed and hard-to-schedule than me and i don't think that will be changing ever

at least i have a blog i guess. writing this is probably good or something. i mean it is but i don't know if this is going to perform the same function, i don't mean to denigrate the benefits i get from having online friends, which are considerable

[destinyc1020]

Confession: I think this might be last post ever on tumblr, I think I might leave tumblr and social media in general. I feel like its become way too toxic and just not worth the effort nor do I feel happy using it, its just so menatally draining. In addition Im getting a little fed up of fandoms and stan culture, it used to be fairly a fun space but now it feels like a space where hatred, racism, toxicity have kinda infiltrated. Things like movies or just enjoying actors or whatever have become less and less interesting it no longer feels like celebrating but like we are in competition, like the discourse has become lets compare and be hurtful to others and their opinions and I just think fandoms have just been too invasive, too parasocial and I dont want to be in that space anymore.

I do want to say I enjoyed your blog and love how you try to bring as much joy and positivity to this space. You are one of few bright spots and keep doing what you do and thank you for cheering me up at the times I felt a little down . Its been fun but I think its time for me to bid a permanent farewell. All the best ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Awww..... I'm so sorry Anon. 😞

I hope you haven't left Tumblr already and are going to miss my response back to you. 🥺

Oh well.... I'll respond back anyway, no matter if you ever see this post or not. 🙃

First of all, thank you so much for your confession. I really appreciate your honesty on this topic, because I really do feel like fandom/stan culture has really gotten to a point that it's become exhausting in many fandoms... even when the celebrities themselves aren't even problematic! 🤷🏾‍♀️

It's become toxic for sure. 😞 And I, too, don't really appreciate the constant comparisons, the putting down of other actors just to raise up your faves, the spreading of lies and falsehoods in order to make other celebrities look bad, the recurring nonstop complaints about an actor's film career even though their career is going just fine, the immediate "cancel" culture just because someone isn't perfect 100% of the time, the jealousy and downplaying of another actor's talents just because it's not your fave in the role, the annoying film twitter debates, the use of RT as the almighty "gold standard" in a filming project's validity, the over-FOCUS of film critics and their reviews of certain films instead of just watching the film yourself and forming your OWN opinions, the constant bickering among various fandoms and stan wars, the overly-anxious fans who get nervous if their fave isn't in a new casting announcement every 2 months, etc.... The list goes on and on and on....

It's just exhausting.... 😫 And I feel like I see a lot of these comments bts because ppl can literally hide behind Anon on my blog and say whatever they want. 😩

So yea girl...I totally feel you. ❤️

I'm hoping you won't stay away forever, but I totally encourage and support you in taking a break away from here (or social media in general) if that's what you need to stay healthy and emotionally and mentally upbuilt. 🥰

If you ever feel comfortable and would like to come off of Anon and chat with me privately on here, or discuss this in greater detail, feel free to reach out and DM me! You'll always have a safe space. ❤️🥰

Wishing you all the best 🙏🏾🤗

[cosmic-cd]

im tired. i hate having health issues. i hate talking in circles with doctors. i feel really emotionally exhausted and sad. i just want to feel better. two terrible doctor's appointments in a row. not because i got bad news, in fact i'm mostly fine right now in terms of what those doctors are concerned with- but i'm just treated like i don't know anything every time.

[stitchthesewords]

I see your tags about the rendubs divorce arc + Ren running off with Bdubs' ex + Bdubs declaring himself king because he can do it better, and I hear you loud and clear

But I am now here with a counter offer, aka you got my thoughts spinning and this relates to a fic I started but never finished because writing angst makes me too sad. (this ask that ended up way longer than I thought it would oops)

What if renthubs polycule (or some flavor of poly hermits i'm not picky) where the three need some time to mentally recover and process the whole king arc. Ren goes to Doc, Etho goes to his single player world and Bdubs goes to Empires.

Doc ends up helping Ren get through his anxieties and fears after being king, including his dynamic with all the people in the rebellion and the feeling that his friends and partners would hate him for everything, which is of course not actually true. And I think that Ren is the type of guy to process things relatively quick and be able to bounce back. So once he is more stable, he follows everyone to empires.

Bdubs runs away through the rift and declares himself a god on Empires, which shows you about how well he is (not) coping with everything. To me, he is the type to loudly declare that he's over it, but he ends up festering the emotions, particularly when no one else is really talking about the king anymore. He's fine, why wouldn't he be fine, he's a god. (side eyeing joel here as well after dl)

Then Etho. Hmm. I think he isn't as bothered by it by the other two but I'm not 100% sold on that either. There has to be a certain melancholy to knowing your partners aren't in the best headspace and not really being able to do much about it. And the guilt about fighting against them and having to be part of the group to kill them. The third life memories would have to be coming in at full force. It may be lower stakes on hermitcraft but I don't think that matters when the memories are that emotionally charged.

I think that in the chaos of the empires collab and then the start of a new year with new projects and tcg and everything, the three don't really get a chance to sit down and talk. Bdubs is hiding away in the monolith drafting up visions of another grand castle base. Etho and Ren see each other more often with tcg matches and, through a number of casual interactions surrounded by other hermits, decide that maybe it would be time to talk. And there wouldn't be a better excuse to talk than a big project.

So the boat race idea is born. Etho and Ren go out to the ice spikes and scope it out. They end up around a fire made of some spare wood and end up talking well into the night. It starts out with plans and slowly ends in a heart to heart, where they finally express their struggles with everything and their commitment to each other going forward. They fall asleep cuddled together in a sleeping bag under the stars.

And bdubs is still festering. He doesn't stop long enough to realize. His days are filled with planning and designing and gathering materials. He works himself to exhaustion so he is too tired to think about who and what he is missing. He's fine. He builds a throne room.

Em you have no idea how insane this ask made me I am. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

GOD! GOD! You are soooooooo right about how they would each react and recover/not recover tbh. And its like - Ren isn't 100% but he's like. He's getting there and being up and moving around will help him out - and Bdubs just. HHHHH Bdubs throwing himself into his work to hide from his woes while putting on the 'I'm FINE! ACTUALLY!!!" im ill. And Etho just having. No clue really god bless him he's looking between the two of them and trying to figure out what the best way to approach everything is.

GOD and then the way you thought about rentho bonding and finally talking bc of the TCG and then going out to build the boat race while bdubs unknowingly is festering back home im hhhhhhh. I am normal about this i am so normal. [They should. play clocks against each other in the tcg where they bond. For no reason. ]

Imagine coming back from having a boat race and doing fun stuff out in the ice to find bdubs having completely thrown himself into an insane task without break and its like. you've gotta figure out how to approach it he cant just fester but he's closed off and hiding behind work to not have to address his feelings. I am normal I am feeling soooooooooooooooooooo normal.

[cassyapper]

I'm sorry to hear you're sick! When I was sick (fairly recently) I thought about what Jotaro and Kakyoin would be like when they are sick and realized they'd probably be insufferable. Very "I'm not sick" they say, running a 100º/38º+ fever and struggling to breathe while coughing up a lung. Though I don't think they'd really do anything to get others sick like an ass. More of a "I'll continue doing strenuous things around the house when I should be resting" kind of thing.

Feel like they'd also be hypocritical about it so when the other is sick, they'd be very "You're just making it worse" and forcibly trying to make them rest. They're both somewhat aware they're being hypocritical, so neither calls the other out on it, or at least that's what I think.

I hope you get better soon!

PLEASEEEE WE'RE LITERALLY THE SAME YOU AND I I WAS THINKING THE SME FUCKING THING ABOUT LIKE "UGH IM SO SICK. I WONDER HOW KAKYOIN AND JOTARO WOULD BE WHILE THEY'RE SICK" AND CAME TO THE SAME CONCLUSION YOU GET ME LIKE NO ONE ELSE LMFAOOOOO

god i know kakyoin would be like. particularly bad when he gets sick cause he's very careful cause he has to take immunosuppressants cause of the organ transplants after dio, so when he does get sick he takes it as like a personal mistake like "i must have done something wrong fuck's sake" i can see him getting SO pissy. it frustrates jotaro SO much cause i bet you anything he has a mild case of nosophobia (fear of sickness) after the stand sickness debacle with holly so he's like "get to fucking bed now kakyoin fucking noriaki or i swear to fucking god" he threatens to drug his food kakyoin is like FINE! FINE! I'LL GO TO FUCKING BED and then he passes out for 38 hours (jotaro has to spoonfeed him soup and shit so he doesn't die of malnutrition while in his sickness comas)

meanwhile it's much the same when jotaro is sick. like i mentioned he has nosophobia so he just doesn't want to think about it ever when he can feel that tickle starting in his throat and i imagine he gets SOOO just like raw emotionally when it comes in fully. he's very upset and very needy but he hates that he's needy so he tries to cover it and it is EXHAUSTING to deal with but kakyoin will deal with it because that's his friend. he tends not to leave jotaro alone during those times esp cause jotaro i feel like is prone to some fucked fever dreams so he's just always watching over him to ensure jotaro doesn't panic once he's awake and hurts himself. thank god for long distance stands. uh but yeah. jotaro always bitches about the soup being too spicy and it's making his nose run and kakyoin is like "that's the POINT BITCH IT'S SUPPOSED TO CLEAR YOUR SINUSES NOW BLOW YOUR NOSE" sillay sillay

anon thank u so much for the well wishes and sending this in I'm so grateful i could kiss you. i am feeling much better than like even just 12 hours ago but i might take another day off school just to ensure i am healthy...

[whimizera-me]

i've been feeling so drained, physically and emotionally so much more than usual, for the past 1 almost 2 months. I have to go through 4 flights of stairs to get to my classes multiple times to get to my classes, i dont know anyone in my classes, and i've done 30+ hws in the past 3 weeks already, and even more tests next week.

I can't even see my old friends anymore, and there's too much work to do I can't even go play with my other cat. It's physically impossible for me to do any tasks anymore. The four flights of stairs are a death sentence towards me, even walking a short distance exhaust me already. My friends messaging me in between classes are literally keeping me going for the most part and I can't even meet them irl.

I have to do so many social work out of my comfort and i don't even know this people, it would be fine if they were decent it it was really necessary but at this point it feels like they mess everything up for me on purpose. Everything was so nice last school year, it was my best ever, now im stuck with people i hate in a new area.

I have so much work to do other than homework and other in school aswell. I need to prepare for my hilton performance, I have to practice the t sax, I have out of school things to do aswell, and in home chores.

Im so drained that I can't even do my hobbies happily anymore. if I cant make art, draw, crochet, sing, or play my saxophone with emotion it's no use, it's not even art anymore at this point. I've lost interest in almost everything.

I haven't been eating a lot. I haven't been feeling hungry in a long time properly, I haven't been getting the proper sleep and I'm always so tired, even then when I do get nice sleep I still feel tired. I feel fatigued all the time even more. My health feels like it's been deteriorating even worse than usual for the past year. I can't run like I used to, I can do exercises and other physical activities energetically as much as before, it's horrible. I'm not even old yet, I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

I just wanna lay down and stay there forever.

At least i have my friends. Even if it's not irl. It's a blessing really.

There's still the ocean though. I really like the ocean, I really like going to the aquarium, it's been one of the best highlights of my life so far. The ocean's everything to me right now, I wish someone can take me to the aquarium again, i love it there. I really do. I wish I could live in the ocean.

[phtalogreenpoison]

ok. so this is just a vent post. and if you don't want to read that, that's so totally fine!

but i feel like im losing my mind. oh of course now is the time i decide to be paranoid about what im posting on the internet. but i am so so emotionally exhausted. like if two certain people don't interact with me because neither of them live in my area and have lives of their own (as in i don't want to wake them up), then i literally feel feel like im ripping into pieces (they're my two best friends, and all thigns considered, i have a pretty healthy relationship with both of them). and even though i'm pretty sure i have a cluster b pd,, (my psychiatrist thinks maybe), but my therapist said she didn't think so when i asked her. like am i making this up? is it all in my head? i'm in a pretty good place this notwithstanding, so am i just making it up for attention? i don't know, i know i do kinda want attention with this.

also. feeling like i should feel more when i interact with people. like yes i care about people, but if i reach my limit, i have to fake empathy so i don't fuck up the relationships in my life. and right now? i genuinely don't know if i'm telling the truth or lying or not. maybe i'm too codependent on friends. but i've just had my attention called to it recently, and it's kinda hitting me. like what do you mean other people don't flee the library because they feel like someone's watching them even though you know logically that's not true? what do you mean everyone else cried at the end of a story and you felt nothing other than an abstract idea of how you could be a proper support to people/fix things? anyways.

sorry. my heart's just hurting right now, and i don't know how express this. but i need to get it off my chest somehow.

like im not even saying i'm a bad person here. which is surprising, but good. i just feel like a monster in human skin, but one who's learned how to express the kindness they want to express.