#im emotionally fine I'm just EXHAUSTED

[mytardisisparked]

I feel like the weight of the last week is finally hitting me and I maybe need to sleep for 48 hours but I just drank a ton of caffiene so I guess I'm gonna read instead.

[pyrriax]

mayhaps coming up with a fic idea :3

[callme-holly]

could you maybe please do some scenarios for (y/n) comforting sodapop, Dallas, ponyboy, and Johnny if you want please. also could you please make the reader fem please and thank you

𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐠𝐚𝐧𝐠 [𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐞𝐬 𝐃𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐬 𝐖𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐧, 𝐒𝐨𝐝𝐚𝐩𝐨𝐩 𝐂𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐬, 𝐏𝐨𝐧𝐲𝐛𝐨𝐲 𝐂𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐬, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐉𝐨𝐡𝐧𝐧𝐲 𝐂𝐚𝐝𝐞.]

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞 - im a little behind on requets but im getting there! i've got my final exam of this week tomorrow and then i'll be a lot speedier, i promise. asks are still open for requests!!

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 - 1.6k

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 - mentions of fighting, getting jumped and small injury detail

Dallas Winston -  The room is quiet as you card your fingers through Dallas’ hair, the greaser’s head resting against your thigh. His eyes are closed, and there's a nasty bruise blossoming on his cheekbone, accompanied by a few bloodied scrapes that he refuses to let you clean. There’s dried blood crusted beneath his nose, which you wipe away gently with the pad of your thumb, humming softly under your breath as he breathes out a low, soft groan.  “You alright?” Your tone is barely above a whisper as you tug at the ends of his mussy locks, pushing them back from his face. He blinks once or twice, his eyelashes fanning against his cheeks, and his expression is a little less pained than it was just minutes ago.  “Yeah,” he murmurs after a moment, “fine.” He shifts a little bit so that his head is now more firmly planted upon your lap, and he wraps an arm around your waist, pulling you closer in a half embrace. You reach down between the two of you and retrieve the ice pack that is sitting forgotten beside you, pressing it against his swollen cheek once more.  He makes a disgruntled noise but doesn't open his eyes again.  “Sorry 'bout this.” His voice is rough, strained from the exertion: “Y' shouldn't have to take care of me all the damn time.” The words fall heavy between the two of you as he speaks, and you smile softly, shaking your head. “It ain't too much trouble, really.” You rub small circles against his bicep, pressing a light kiss to his forehead. “And besides...” your voice drops to an almost conspiratorial murmur, “I like taking care of you. It makes me feel better when I know you're not lying dead in a ditch somewhere.”  He gives you a lopsided grin at that, eyes still closed. “You've got so much faith in me, doll.”  Your smile widens, feeling something twist inside of you. You take his hand, squeezing it gently before pressing a quick kiss to his busted-up knuckles. “Whatever.” 

Sodapop Curtis -  A small sigh leaves your lips as Soda buries his face in your chest, arms wrapped tightly around your middle, tears cascading down his cheeks as he struggles for air.  It pains you to see him like this, his usual bright smile replaced with a look of pure anguish, silent sobs racking his body. You rub slow circles against his back, mumbling soft words of reassurance into his ear as he clings to your shirt. “I don’t understand,” he gasps, his voice thick with emotion. “Why can't they just get along? They never used to be like this. A shudder runs through him, and you tighten your hold on him, rocking him a bit back and forth as he cries. “Shh, Soda, hey, you need to breathe,” you murmur soothingly, combing your fingers through his hair. “You’re gonna make yourself sick.” You press a soft kiss to the top of his head, hushing him quietly as his cries gradually abate.  “I just want them to get along.” Soda whispers brokenly, burying his face against your collarbones. “I'm tired of being made to pick sides. I don't wanna be in the middle all the time.” You hum sympathetically, shifting slightly so that you can wrap both arms around him and pull him as close as physically possible. Soda melts into your touch, relaxing fully against you. You can tell he's exhausted, both emotionally and physically.  "I hate it.” He sounds miserable. “All they do is yell at each other. Darry is way too hard on Pony, and Pony's trying his hardest, but he can only take so much–" Soda stops abruptly, his breath hitched in his throat as another sob tears from him, wracking his body. His grip tightens around your middle and your heart clenches painfully at the sight.  “I just want things to go back to normal.” You give a slow nod, closing your eyes. “I know, I know. It'll be okay.” You press another gentle kiss to his temple and run your hands slowly up and down his spine, trying to offer as much comfort as you can. He relaxes under your touch, melting further into you as he tries to take deep, steady breaths, struggling to control himself.  You tilt his chin up so that he's looking at you once more, running your thumb over his cheek. “I love you, you know” “Mm,” he hums, blinking rapidly to rid his vision of the last remnants of tears. His eyes meet yours, and even though his gaze is glassy and filled with sadness and pain, his expression is soft and tender. “Love you too.”

Ponyboy Curtis -  You're sitting in the lot, your jacket pulled tightly around you, when you hear the sound of approaching footsteps. You stiffen and turn sharply, expecting to see a group of drunken socs or the odd greaser looking for trouble, only to come face to face with none other than Ponyboy Curtis. He has tears streaming down his cheeks, his hair mused as he all but throws himself at you, shoulders shaking and chest heaving. You don’t speak a word as you pull him into your arms, rubbing your hands over his shoulders in an attempt to calm him. His head comes to rest on your shoulder, one fist clutching the front of your sweater as tight as possible, the other hanging uselessly by his side. For several moments, he sits in silence, letting you hold him while he finally manages to collect himself. Then he pulls back, wiping furiously at his face. “Sorry…” You don’t miss the way he averts his gaze from you as he speaks, refusing to make eye contact. “Didn't mean to bother you; I just—”  You shake your head, interrupting him. “There’s no reason for you to apologise.” You pause, considering for a long moment before continuing. “What's up?”  He exhales shakily, then hesitantly meets your gaze again. “I—Darry yelled at me again. He got real mad this time.” His voice cracks, and you pull him close once more. You know Darry’s been harder on him as of late, expecting too much of a boy Pony’s age. You know he means well, but you also know the toll it’s been taking on the younger Curtis brother and how difficult these past few weeks have been for him.  “Sometimes I don't think Darry likes me very much.” You can hear the vulnerability in his tone, unable to miss how broken he appears. He's not crying anymore; if anything, he looks a little embarrassed and ashamed. You frown, brushing his damp bangs from his forehead. “Don't be ridiculous.” Your tone is firm, determined to keep him from ever getting caught up in that dark spiral. “He cares about you a whole lot.” “He's got a funny way of showin' it.” Pony grumbles softly, and you can't help but laugh at his bluntness, wrapping your arms tighter around him. “I wish he'd be nicer. I really don't like all the fighting we do.” “I know. But it'll get easier.” You look down at him. “If you want, I can go talk some sense into him.” That earns you a smile as Ponyboy nods, squeezing you a little tighter. “Good luck. I doubt he’ll listen.” You press a quick kiss to his forehead, smiling softly. “I’ll try my best.”

Johnny Cade -  Arms circle around your waist, gripping onto you tightly as you comb your fingers through his tangled, and still heavily greased, hair. Johnny’s head rests in your lap, eyes squeezed shut as he tries desperately to fall into some sort of relaxed state, but he just can't seem to find the will within himself to do so. You watch him silently, running a finger absently along his jawline, taking in the bruises and cuts littering his face and arms. He looks worn thin and broken; his cheeks are tear-stained and hollowed by exhaustion. His breathing remains unsteady and uneven, his skin pale, and you can't help but reach out and brush the pad of your thumb across the faint lines beneath his eyes, your brow furrowing deeply. He flinches slightly but doesn’t open his eyes, his breath hitching. “Sorry,” You whisper, going back to smoothing your hand over his hair. “Didn’t mean to startle you.”  Johnny lets out a soft sigh, leaning his forehead against your stomach. “S' okay…” He shifts a little closer to you, reaching for your hand and lacing your fingers together. “...just glad yer here.” You bite your lower lip, tracing patterns into the back of his hand with your thumb, pressing soft kisses against his forehead as you let him snuggle closer, relishing in the simple closeness of it all. It eases your nerves knowing he's safe with you and calms the storm raging inside of you. Your mind wanders back to earlier, the images of him lying, half-dead, in that field flashing unbidden through your mind.   It takes a lot to make Johnny Cade cry, but the second you had knelt down beside him and pulled him into your arms while the gang huddled about you, his composure had completely crumbled. Sobs had wracked his body, shaking his entire frame, and you could do nothing but hold him until he had finally calmed down. And now, here he was, curled up into your embrace, clinging to you like a lifeline. Every little noise made him jump, every sudden movement made his muscles tense, and your heart ached for him. You wanted so badly to make everything better, but there was nothing you could do. All you could do was stay there, holding him as he cried, wishing that there was something you could do besides sit by and whisper softly to him. But, you know, right now, just you being there is enough for him.

𝐚𝐬𝐤𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐧 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐬!!

[mylovesstuffs]

“It’s not cute” — Choi Seungcheol

Request: hey, Celeste!!! how are you doing? I'm so glad your requests are open!

i wanted to request something (in whatever form you feel most inspired to): reader having essential tremors (it's an actual condition im not making it up 😭✋) and being frustrated about it, maybe lashing out or breaking down one day. the fact that everyone points it out and sometimes joke abt it, etc. angst + comfort , maybe? also i'd like it to be w cheol or wonu, but tbh any of them is absolutely fine!

tysm <333

It starts with eyeliner and ends in a breakdown. The world doesn’t understand what it’s like to live in a body that won’t always obey, tired of laughing first before someone else can. But Seungcheol doesn’t need to understand it all, he just holds your trembling hands like they’ve always been steady, and loves you like you’ve never been less.

Genre: Non-idol au, established relationship, angst and comfort, introspective slice of life and character study

Pairing: Seungcheol × fem!reader

Content: Essential tremors [aka benign tremor, familial tremor, and idiopathic tremor], emotional breakdown, eyeliner symbolism [bc girlyhood], comfort from a loving partner who is choi seungcheol, no judgment, warm arms and understanding hearts, one-sided flashbacks to bullying/teasing, reader struggling with internalized shame, reassurance, love that stays

Content warning: Mentions of medical condition [essential tremors], anxiety, childhood bullying, ableist microaggressions, internalized frustration and self-doubt, crying, cursing once or twice, one emotionally charged breakdown. No explicit content.

Word count: 921 words

A/N: It was supposed to be shorter... about 400 words like a drabble, though I still think it's drabble but I was hoping for it to either be 400-500 words or 1k 😔

For my sweet anon—i hope this gives you even a sliver of the comfort you were looking for. This one was written with a lot of heart at like... 2:46 am when i should’ve been asleep but cheol brainrot said otherwise. To anyone else who reads this and relates even a little: your exhaustion and frustration is valid, and your hands deserve to be held gently too. I experience a slight tremor as well, though I believe it’s genetic since it runs in my family. According to my doctor, mine is primarily triggered by stress and anxiety [I was under treatment back in October during a period when my mental health went really down]. I’ve been prescribed different medications since then, not specifically targeted for tremors, but the tremor was listed as one of the symptoms being addressed in the medication guidelines. While I might not fully relate to this experience, as my condition hasn’t been formally diagnosed and doesn’t really interfere with my daily life, I still hope I was able to do this piece justice. Also, huge thanks to Calli @hhaechansmoless for beta-ing. As always, we run anyway ! (￣▽￣)ノ♡

It starts small, and it always does; a dropped spoon, a tremble in your fingers while pouring water. The slightest bit of shake that you'd think it could pass unnoticed, but that, people always notice, and never don’t comment on.

“Why are you always shaking?”

“You nervous or something?”

“You should drink less coffee.”

“Aw, you’re like a baby deer.”

Haha, it is so funny to you at this point. But today, it feels entirely different to you, it's like you're not yourself anymore. You’re tired, and you just want to put your eyeliner on, but the line goes jagged again. And for some reason, that tiny thing becomes the last straw of the day.

You slam the eyeliner on the counter and nearly knock over everything else with your unsteady hands. “God, I’m so sick of this!” you hiss. “Why can’t I just be normal for five fucking seconds?”

The bathroom door creaks open and you already feel Seungcheol behind you. “Hey,” he says softly. “What’s going on?”

You blink back your unshed tears, but still they betray you like everything else lately. “It’s not cute, Cheol. It’s not quirky, or funny, or something you get to joke about. I hate it. I hate how I shake. I hate how people treat me like it’s some personality trait. It’s a condition, and I’m tired.” Your voice cracks, and so does your composure, and you sink down onto the closed toilet lid, face in your hands, breath shaky just like your very own fingers. The way they’ve done for so long, it doesn’t even surprise you anymore.

All you expect right now, is silence. But instead big, calloused, warm hands wrap gently around yours.

Shaking or not, he brings them to his lips and kisses your knuckles, softly and slowly. “I know it’s not cute when people don’t take it seriously,” he says, kneeling in front of you. “And I’m sorry if anyone’s ever made you feel like you have to pretend it’s no big deal.”

You look up with your glassy eyes and trembling lips. “I’ve never once thought less of you for it,” he murmurs. “You don’t have to be ‘normal’ to be everything I love.” A small sob leaves your lips, and he pulls you into a hug, his arms secure around you, voice a low hum against your hair. “You can be frustrated. You can hate it, but you don’t have to go through it alone. I’m here, even if your hands shake every day for the rest of your life, I’ll still hold them just like this.”

You want to believe him, even as your fingers tremble. In fact, you do believe him; believe that he doesn’t want to let go, that he won’t.

But there’s something bitter lodged deep in your chest, a heaviness that doesn't disappear just because someone holds you through it, because you've heard this before. Variations of it. Words that sounded like comfort, but were laced with pity, gestures that looked like care, but never stayed long enough to be safe.

You remember being younger and dropping your spoon in front of classmates during recess. The laughter and the mock sympathy haunted you for years and they still does. “Are you scared?” they'd tease. You weren’t; not then at least. You didn’t even know what was happening, and why your body betrayed you when all you wanted was to be still.

And now, years later, it’s not even the tremor that hurts most, it’s what comes along with it without your consent. The way people watch, the way they assume it’s your fault, the way you're constantly being explained—to others, to yourself, that you’ve become a walking explanation.

“You know, she has this thing—”

“It’s not that big of a deal—”

“She’s always been like that—” You’re always like that.

It chips away at you, little by little, and you start adjusting your life to avoid the gaze. No eyeliner on days you feel particularly self-conscious, two hands to hold a cup, even if it makes you look ridiculous, rehearsing how you’ll brush it off when someone points it out again; laughing before they do, so it seems like you're okay with it.

You’ve weaponized your own shame into pre-emptive jokes. Turned your fear into something palatable… but it still hurts. It hurts when people don’t even ask if you’re okay. They just assume you’re something to laugh at, to observe, and you’ve been strong for so long, that today just felt like the end of it. Like how this one tiny thing —the jagged eyeliner—was all it took to remind you how helpless it can feel to live in a body that doesn’t always listen. But now, there’s warmth.

And maybe that should terrify you, because if people can be cruel, then love can be temporary. But his arms around you don’t feel temporary, his silence doesn’t feel judgmental, and most important of all, he doesn’t ask you to feel better; he just stays along with you.

You want to believe that someone can see all of it: the struggle, the cracks, the exhaustion, and still choose to stay, but not because they pity you, not because they want to fix you, but because they love you even like this, and especially like this.

Your breath hiccups in your throat, and you let yourself lean into him just a little more. Though your hands still shake, you begin to believe they don’t make you any less worthy of being held.

[missmeinyourbones]

we NEED "i'm just too soft for all of it." IWHT MEGUMI PLS IM BEGGING

I'M JUST TOO SOFT FOR ALL OF IT (m. fushiguro)

a/n: me making up medical shit LMFAO, repressed and emotionally constipated megumi, deadbeat dad t*ji, slight mentions and undertones of toxic masculinity

L’s MIDNIGHTS EVENT!

Since he was four years old and still growing into his long-sleeved sweaters, Megumi has learned to heal his own wounds or almost die trying.

A routine that he now knows like the back of his hand, he'd returned from his latest mission with weeping cuts and exhaustion clear beneath his eyes, making a point to stop at the medical closet before returning to his dorm. With Shoko's workday over, he makes a mental note to visit her first thing in the morning when he wakes. 

He can make it through the night, he always does. Because Megumi is a thinker. He plans until he can't and covers all bases for when they're stolen. He gets by. 

What he didn't take into account was potentially running into you, of all people. Dormitory halls barren and almost eerie, he nearly curses himself for brushing shoulders as you turn the corner on the way back to your own room. 

Your timing has always been wrong, or maybe it's right and Megumi can't differentiate between the two. 

And now he's here, on the creaky wooden floor of the medicinal closet, with you kneeling beside him and prodding at his injuries with tender wrists. 

Never one to be good with idle hands, Megumi fidgets and tries to brush at the dried blood on his shoulder. The action has both of you hissing—him in a jolt of pain and you in reaction to his hurt. 

"Don't touch it," your voice falters to be stern, still coming out so gently. Megumi thinks about the irony of that—of how you can't even be sharp if you tried. You're too gentle, too soft to even sound hard momentarily. 

Humiliated at the mere idea of doing nothing, at needing help, he shakily exhales and returns his attention to the floor. 

When the damp cotton pad in your hand touches a bit too deep in one of his cuts, Megumi does his best to save face but can't help the grunt of breath that gets sucked into his lungs. 

Immediately, he feels you retract from his skin and coo your apologies. Carefully returning your attention to the burning wound, you do your best to soothe him. 

"Sorry, it's deeper than it looks. Almost over."

Megumi's response is quick and curt, like a cut of its own, "It's fine."

You nod hesitantly before grabbing the bottle of antiseptic and another clean cotton round. The cleaning of his wounds continues in silence, though your thoughts are louder than anything. 

His injuries vary in size. Some deeper, fresher, than others. Some looking like one-hit victims and others a repeated attack. You do your best to take note of where he's sensitive, where he's hurting the most. 

When you reach a certain scratch on his bicep, you're able to catch a glimpse of his face. Sweat beading on his forehead and damp hair sticking to his skin, Megumi bites the collar of his uniform to suppress any kind of noise (weakness) from you. 

When he slips up and lets out a guttural muffled groan, you think you might audibly whimper yourself. 

"You can yell if you want to," you try to help him in any way you can, "or squeeze my hand or—"

"I'm fine," Megumi attempts to bark again, but this time is different. It's not cold or sharp like it was last time. You can hear how it shakes against the echos of the closet, how it sounds like the burn of tears building in a sore throat.

And between the pain everywhere he still has feeling and the intimacy of you carefully caressing him, Megumi finds himself tearing up. 

"Hey," he feels you whisper, attempting to caress his jaw and prompt him to look at you, "hey, you okay?"

He can't find it in himself to answer nor lift his head, so he sniffles like a kicked child and crinkles his nose in disgust at his own pathetic actions.

Megumi is tough, one of the toughest people you know. You've seen him more beat up than this and barely break a sweat. Your head feels light at the realization that something's wrong. He shouldn't be in this much pain from the familiar burning of antiseptic he's felt a dozen times over. Maybe it's from a cursed weapon, or a technique where—

A stifled sob cuts you off.  

Like a glass cracking beneath pressure, you feel something inside you break. No longer caring about cleaning his cuts or avoiding sensitive areas, you can't stop yourself from wrapping around his hunched frame. 

Megumi's breath hitches as you hold him, feels your hair tickling his neck when you rub his back and whisper.

"I'm sorry, I know, but you're doing so good, okay? And I'm almost done—"

"Don't do that," he bites. 

Assuming he's referring to prodding at a specific wound, you flinch and loosen your grip, "Do what?"

"Talk to me like that," he snarls with a crack, "in that—voice."

He feels your head remove its weight from his shoulder slowly, "Why?"

"Because I can't—" Megumi's voice almost breaks before he whines, gritting his teeth when he whimpers, "I can't handle it."

And just like that, Megumi is four years old again. He's scraping his knee on the concrete of his front lawn, and a blurry father-shaped figure with dark hair and legs far too tall tells him to be a man. Not being old enough to use the stove without supervision, but still knowing enough to save his cries for his pillow when Tsumiki is snoring and can't overthink his tears. He thinks of Gojo—of the first time he broke down in front of him and was met with whispers of good intent and love that registered in his brain as pity. Humiliation.

He doesn't realize he's crying until he feels your fingertips on his wet cheeks, replacing the stinging of antiseptic with a fluttering and velvety touch. 

Between sniffled strings of apologies and a few hiccups of words that don't quite make sense, you piece together that Megumi isn't crying because he's in pain. He's crying because he can, because you're helping him in a way he never asked for, let alone known. 

"I've never...been allowed to, like, feel—"

"Hey," you're soft again, as if you ever weren't. "I know," fingers delicately brush his sticky eyelashes when you remind him, "but you are now."

"Are what?"

"Allowed," you whisper against his cheek, "to feel however you want when you're around me."

And Megumi doesn't know how you do it. How you remain a light in a world that's constantly doing all it can to kick you while you're down. Maybe you're just naive, so stupidly optimistic that it'll eventually be your own demise. Maybe.

But, Megumi can't find himself to care, because he knows that for as long as he's on this earth, he'll be damned if he lets anything happen to that light of yours. 

Back to reality and rubbing at his stinging eyes, Megumi softly scoffs. "Y'know, sometimes you look at me with those stupid eyes and I don't know what happens, but I almost feel sick."

Your laughter tastes like water, "I know what you mean. But in a good way though, right?"

"Yeah," he nods, "in a good way."

When Megumi's back finally hits his mattress at an ungodly hour of the morning—something he's been dreaming of since he'd left it hours ago—he's sickeningly sore and his eyes burn with hypersensitivity. He lets himself close his eyes thinking of your hands, the ones that soaked his now scabbing wounds and wiped his watery eyes. 

Megumi plans, sure, but he never could have prepared for you. 

[waitingandwishing]

hiiiii ! :D first, i just wanted to say that i love your writing so much !! <3 i was wondering if you could do the sbg gang x fem reader that suddenly breaks down and starts crying. reader is usually very calm, level-headed, and always happy. she stays positive no matter what, she tries to lift the mood, and just looks out for everyone emotionally & physically. she never talks about or shows any negative emotions like being really sad or angry or stressed. but everything with the phantoms and her friends getting hurt, eventually takes a toll on her and she just breaks down for the first time and admits she’s scared.

it can be platonic on romantic !!

also im sorry the request is long 😭 i havent really requested anything before and idk if i described it right

tysm!!!

-> context: you've always been the greatest

-> fandom:school bus graveyard

-> warnings: angst.

Platonic:

You've always tried to be a good friend. That was the main thing that defined every aspect of your life. Whether it be giving Ashlynn earbuds whenever it got too loud, talking with Aiden because he needed someone to vent to, letting Ben relax with you in comfortable silence, reassuring Logan that he's enough, letting Taylor let out her frustrations about her mom, or helping Tyler with cleaning up the house and cooking. You were always there.

And it was so hard to be this way. To not want to scream and cry and throw things everywhere. It was so hard. But you had grown used to it. Grown used to stomaching the sight of blood every time you wrapped your friend's wounds, grown used to being someone they could lean on even if you were so close to snapping.

No one really noticed how your smile fell slightly every time they weren't talking to you or how you stopped saying, "I'm fine." as quickly as you used to. No one really noticed when you just sat in silence with a blank face.

You were always alert to others' discomfort, checking in on the others constantly, even when you were exhausted. You went out of your way to cook, patch people up, or stay up late keeping watch. You were so put together and seemingly... Perfect.

But it was hard to be perfect when your two friend's just died and you ended up being kidnapped by the government. Thankfully, before you could fully explode, Logan had found a way to get every one out of their rooms and found you.

You were so grateful, but the first thing you did like always was to ask him, Ashlynn, and Taylor how they were feeling. You knew this was definitely overwhelming for them. Eventually, the whole group managed to gather into Tyler's room and talk about things while you helped manage his wounds.

As they talked, you felt like you were going to explode, this was so stupid! The fear, the stress, the anger you felt boiled within you before eventually flooding through your body.

You were so angry, so tired of everything, that you started to cry. Weirdly enough, you also felt absolutely nothing as you did. It was only when Logan asked if you were okay that you started to wipe the incoming tears. "Y-yeah, I'm fine! I don't know why I'm crying right now, haha..."

You were sure that the others were feeling the exact same thing, and instead of being selfish and crying, they were probably trying to figure out a way to escape. You were being stupid for crying, the thought repeated inside your head multiple times. You tried to stop, tried to keep the feelings in, but it hurt so much that it was almost suffocating.

It was only when Taylor went to hug you that you fully embraced your sobs. You cried for the longest time, sobs racked your body and you gasped for air. You felt so overwhelmed that you felt like you were drowning.

"I'm so sorry, I don't know why I'm like this... I-I'm trying but I'm so scared! This is so stupid and attention-seeking-"

For once, you didn't know what to do. Logan soon started to cry as well, hugging you and confessing he was scared shitless too, Aiden also joined in on the hug, Ashlynn simply sat down on the bed, Ben wrapped an arm around Taylor, and Tyler begrudgingly joined in as well.

For some reason, you had never felt more seen in your life.

ASHLYNN:

As the unspoken leader of the group, she had so much stress put on her to figure out plans to escape the dimension. So she appreciated it whenever she could vent to you about how she felt.

But when you were at the facility and you started crying, she couldn't help but feel as though she didn't do as good of a job as she could've done. If that were her, you'd notice right away that something was wrong. But she didn't notice anything wrong. And that honestly made her feel... Guilty.

Ashlynn vowed from then and there she'd start paying more attention, to try and be more mindful about what she said, and be there for everyone just like you were so then you didn't have to care for everyone alone. Similarly to what you did for her.

AIDEN:

As someone who knows what it's like to never be seen and taken seriously, Aiden felt horrible. He should've seen the signs, the fake smiles that were similar to his back then, the darker bags under your eyes...

He almost felt like crying along with you and Logan too. He knew what it was like, how to feel that way about yourself. It felt so wrong to have simply brushed off your feelings for the sake of his because that was what others did to him (As my headcanon of course)

Aiden tried to be a better friend after that. To try to stop talking about himself and ask how you felt. To take a second and simply enjoy the moment with you and the others instead of living through it. To be more mindful about his awareness to the best of his abilities.

LOGAN:

He liked you a lot actually. You were someone he trusted to be vulnerable with unlike the rest of the group. He liked knowing you were there for him and liked knowing how understanding you were, he just wished he could have done the same for you.

You understood him more then most people did. And when you started to cry it broke his heart. You kept in so much for the sake of being there for others, you tried so hard to be nice and joyful like always. Oh it was just too much for him to handle and all of a sudden he was crying with you too.

Logan wanted to be stronger like always. Stronger for the group, and stronger for you as well. So then he could manage to pull through by himself without depending on you and also so you could deal with your own problems without juggling his as well.

TAYLOR:

She knew that you were always such a friendly and kind person but had no idea you were feeling this way about yourself. Of course she didn't though, nobody did because you were so good at hiding it. She knew that you were one of the most amazing people out there, that somehow you were able to understand everyone in the groups problems.

So it broke her heart when you started saying how self-centered you were for crying. For doing a normal thing all people would do in a situation like this. She felt your body shake as she hugged you tightly, and it scared her. It reminded her of her mom when her dad died, how badly it affected her. She didn't want anyone, especially her friend who she cared deeply about, to feel that way.

Taylor wants to be someone you can go to. Someone you can also rely on and someone you can talk to. She doesn't want you to feel like your relationship with the group is transactional because of how you're kind of like the group therapist.

TYLER:

He understands you a lot more then you think. He was unfortunately given the role of 'caretaker' in his family when his father died, and you were a big help in helping them get back on their feet even before Savannah.

Seeing you have the weight of 'group therapist' on your shoulders resonated with him a lot more then he thought it would've. He understands why you felt the way you felt more then a lot of people could and that furthers your connection between each other.

Tyler is someone who understands you. Someone you can also talk to when you're feeling overwhelmed by emotions and/or feeling like you can't tell anyone in fear of being a burden.

BEN:

He knows what it’s like to bottle up the pain. He did it through anger, you did it through positivity. Your joy reminded him of who he was before his life started to fall apart.

He knows what it’s like to fall apart alone. So watching you finally unravel, especially when you've been the strong one for everyone, hits him hard. He felt helpless, because there was no fixing this, and he knows it. But there’s also understanding. Deep, aching empathy. He gets it. He gets it.

Ben can be what no one was for him, a hand in the dark. He doesn’t need to talk at all. His comfort comes from just being there, anchoring you with a steady presence. There's a small painful sense of gratitude, because this is where his pain means something. It helps someone else.

(a/n: I was sort of stumped on how to do this one so I'm so sorry if this wasn't what you were expecting!!!)

[epicthemusical]

Cracked Mask pt 2

WARNINGS:Very low self esteem, abandonment and neglectful/emotionally abusive mother read at your own risk!

part 1 here

He goes quiet and freezes at a knock on his door. No he can't let anyone see him like this! He waits for the person to leave but they knock again

“Polites are you okay?” Oh gods that was Odysseus’s voice! He quickly washes and dries his face plastering a smile on hoping it will be enough.

“Please answer me, I'm worried about you..” A deep breath double checking his smile before opening the door.

“Hello sorry it took so long. What is it you need?” Odysseus frowns a little not seeming to believe his cracked mask of a smile.

“Hey are you feeling alright?” Polites pours more effort into his smile desperate to convince his friend he is okay.

“Of course I am, why would I not be okay?” Odysseus looks sad and almost disappointed just like his mother Odysseus sighs

“Polites please stop. I can tell you're not okay, just tell me what's wrong.” Polites feels anxiety rising at even the thought of showing how broken he is. He can't let Odysseus know if he finds out he will leave him just like his mother. His smile is paper thin now.

“I'm sorry I don't know what you mean. I am only a bit tired and I would like to take a small nap.” At this Polites attempts to close the door only for Odysseus to stop it with his foot. Odysseus has a frown on his face obviously frustrated

“Polites-”

“IM FINE” he finally snaps and then freezes his eyes wide

“I'm so sorry i didnt- i-” Odysseus gets over his shock and shoves his way into Polites room closing the door behind him. Polites flinches. Oh gods why did he do that? How could he snap like that at Odysseus?! He starts hyperventilating, tears starting to fall.

He is suddenly pulled into a hug and he tenses before finally collapsing into the comforting hold. Odysseus holds him tight whispering comforting words letting Polites calm down. Once he finally stops he feels empty

“I'm sorry Odysseus you can go now. You shouldn't have had to deal with this.” He tries to pull away but Odysseus keeps him in his arms

“No i'm not leaving you alone right now. You are obviously not okay.” Polites sighs the empty feeling is spreading throughout his body and he feels heavy as lead. He prepares himself for Odysseus to scold him or say he doesn't want to be friends anymore.

He is shocked to feel tears on his back. Did he make Odysseus cry?!

“Oh gods i'm sorry please don't cry-” Odysseus holds him tighter

“How long has this been going on?” Polites stays silent not wanting to admit just how long he has felt like this. Odysseus' shoulders are shaking as he continues

“How long- how long have I been letting you suffer alone?” Polites slumps more into his friends hold feeling exhaustion hit him.

“I…I have always been like this…” He feels Odysseus flinch before whispering his next words

“What…you mean to say the entire time we have been friends i have been ignorant of your suffering?” Polites sighs

“I’m sorr-” Odysseus tenses

“Don't you DARE apologize! If anyone should apologize it's me! I should have noticed sooner than this and helped you.. I- I failed you, I'm so sorry!” Polites just stares in shock before he quickly wraps his arms around his friend.

“No- no please don't apologize! It's not your fault i- i just i was scared…” Odysseus calms his breathing a bit still holding Polites tight

“You NEVER have to be scared of me. I could never do anything to hurt you, I thought you knew that.” Polites chuckles wetly

“Yeah i should have known better.It's just my mother….she made me believe i was a burden and that people would always end up leaving me once they saw how messed up i was…” Odysseus' eyes shined angrily

“Lets move to the bed this will take a while. I want you to tell me everything.” Polites sniffles and nods, both of them moving onto the bed still clinging to each other. The rest of the day is filled with tears and comfort.

Eventually they both fall asleep still cuddled close and for once Polites sleeps with a smile and happy dreams.

[tired-of-being-nice]

the sound

*emerges from finals covered in blood* IM ALIVE *throws this down* *leaves*

anyway, enjoy a little showing of how coren is kept in line!

cws: brainwashing/conditioning, sensory overload (sort of), willing brainwashing

Coren's head isn't working right. It feels all floaty, not quite attached to its body. By the time it got back to where it was supposed to be it was already late in the day and it was too exhausted to give a proper explanation of why it was so late and what it was doing last night. It just begged forgiveness as much as it could when it couldn't think in coherent sentences, much less speak, and now it's sitting on a chair putting all its strength into staying upright and waiting patiently to be told what its punishment is.

It hopes it's the noise. It really, really hopes that. Not just because the alternative is being alone and it can't bear being alone, but because it's so tired and it can't think straight and the noise will help with that, it always does. It'll fix Coren. Make them able to do their job again. Coren wants to be able to do a good job. They want to so badly.

Its head hurts so terribly, which is good, because if it didn't it thinks it would probably slide right off the chair and collapse onto the ground, but it hurts, it hurts so much, the lights are too bright in here and their thoughts are chasing each other in circles and their ears are starting to ring–

"–ren? Coren?" 

Coren blinks and squints at the blurry figure in front of them until it resolves into the shape of Erica, their...manager, or handler, or whatever it is you want to call her.

"Hi, Erica," they mumble. "I don't feel good."

"I can tell that," Erica says with a raised eyebrow, and Coren shrinks back in shame. "What are you holding?"

Coren turns their head to stare at the spatula clutched in their hand. "I, um...dunno."

Erica sighs. "Well, I don't have time to pry it away now. Come on. We've decided you need some more time with the Sound."

Coren perks up immediately and follows behind Erica obediently, mustering their protesting body through the few steps with the promise of soon, soon, soon.

The noise room is empty and white and clean, and Erica shoves Coren inside in a way they'd protest usually but today are grateful for.

The door shuts behind them, and there's a slight click from the speakers, and then the Sound comes on.

It's like white noise but more, resounding, near-deafening, filling the room and your mind until you can't hear yourself think, let alone scream.

(They did use to scream, didn't they? They almost remember that, every time they come in here. But it never sticks— the sound takes it away, and besides, they don't want to remember something so unpleasant.)

Coren sighs, slumping bonelessly to the floor, a dazed smile spreading across their face. The noise drowns out any thoughts, rises and falls in waves, crashing against Coren's brain and gently smoothing away all the pesky contradictory thoughts that had been nagging at them. The ache of starvation fades from their limbs, and the haze of sleepiness melts from their mind. Everything is fine. Everything is alright. 

(but milo–) shhhh (but i have to–) shhhhhh (i'm still hungry–) shhhh (i can't rememb–) shhhhhhhh

This is so nice. Coren doesn't need to worry now. What was there to worry about, anyway? They're safe. The Company has them. The Company loves them.

Their fingers loosen, and the spatula drops from their hand, forgotten.

that's right! it was an EMOTIONALLY SIGNIFICANT SPATULA this whole time! haha!

taglist: @whumpsoda @snakebites-and-ink

[genderfluid-info-blog]

this is kind of a silly question but I'm 21 and I've never properly come out yet, im terrified to, but I'm finally in a safe place to do so. I'm very proud of my identity as genderfluid but I'm worried people won't understand it, how do I come out to people?

Hey! I'm very late to answering this ask but I'll do it anyway in case someone else needs to hear it as well.

But this is not silly at all!! Being scared of coming out is a very real and very valid feeling, especially when its your first time doing so. It'll get a little bit easier each time you say it. <3

Also, congratulations!! I'm glad you're proud of your identity and that you're in a safe place to come out, that is always the most important thing. Do not compromise your safety.

As for your question, I think you should reframe your expectations. Unfortunately you will eventually meet people who won't understand genderfluidity and also some who refuse to educate themselves or let themselves be educated. You can't change people who don't want to change. You can however protect your own peace.

Genderfluidity and the label genderfluid are often terms that people don't know/fully understand, so you might need to explain it when you come out. You could briefly explain it and then watch a video/read an article together with the person or give them resources so they can educate themselves. But as long as they are open and willing to learn, it will be fine!

And if someone refuses to, then that's not your burden to bear. I know it can be vary difficult to process, but just know that there is nothing wrong with you and their refusal is not your fault. Process your feelings, feel them, but don't internalize it as a fault on your part, because it's not. Try to surround yourself with things and people that comfort you.

Now, as for the coming out:

It depends on you! Do you want to make it a big deal or keep it lowkey? Multiple people at the same time or one by one? Do you want to do it in person or over text/call? Etc. Really think about it and choose whichever you're the most comfortable with

Ideas for big coming outs: invite them over, bake a cake, announce it at a hang-out/gathering etc.

Ideas for keeping it lowkey: choose a calm/familiar environment, pull them aside and tell them; write it on a note/letter and pass it to them; text them; make joke about it or just drop it in a conversation etc.

You could also tell one person that you're the closest with/most comfortable with first and then ask them to come and support you when you tell others

It all depends on what you want and what you're most comfortable with really! Coming out can be really emotionally exhausting and scary, so take all the time and help that you need :)

I also have another post with some tips and thoughts about coming out here

[unopenablebox]

god this is long sorry. mention of various familial deaths previously mentioned on this blog cw or something

🌸 is now having an issue at work that's likely to cause them a great deal of stress/emotional distress for like a medium length period? im expecting that they'll be really busy and need emotional support/benefit a lot from having things reduced in friction e.g. me taking care of dishes and food more etc.

which is, you know, fine. except that well

as you know my grandfather died last week and i spent most of last week 1. in a state of paralyzing terror about my own work thing, now resolved 2. traveling on short notice so i could be emotional/logistical help for my dad whose father just died, which i did like. a moderately ok job at i would say. i was better than nothing

and also my mom has 1. had a lot of feelings about her recently dead father brought up by all this 2. also been having a lot of feelings about him because w the exception of coming back for the funeral she has been staying in my grandparents' house in another city so she can sort through and get rid of his belongings AND 3. my grandmother, who had to go and come back w her for the funeral which she found exhausting bc she's 92, is increasingly confused/obstinate and this causes my mom lots of stress and angst directly and also again about her dad being dead bc thats why my grandmother is coping worse.

and dealing with all of this in person was really tiring and also helping to organize/cook for/personally host Mourning Shabbat Dinner on one day's notice was exhausting, and also i guess i am also one of the people whose grandfather just died and other grandfather died like six months ago but i don't really think there's a ton of space for me to consider if i think that's relevant

and to be honest i was kind of looking forward to this week as one where i could take it easy a little mentally, like, my mom would still text me random distressing mementos of my grandfather's early life, but work should be pretty chill this week & my dad still has a lot of his family & friends around him so might not need me quite as much & i do have to try and manage my not-entirely-voluntary new trainee at work but nothing terrible happens to him if i fuck up it a little; & so i basically did nothing but get home and pass out last night because i figured it would help me feel better & i could spend more time w 🌸 later in the week and get back on track

but instead-- this. which is fine, right, i have slack, i can do the dishes and make some dinners and try to be distracting and helpful and reassuring. but it turns out that if 🌸 is having a hard time and i need to express feelings/want emotional support i talk to my mom. and my attempt to express the concept "well i'm a bit stressed out because i was hoping to be able to recover a bit this week and save my emotional reserves for supporting you and dad, and instead this happened, so now i feel really preemptively exhausted and anxious and a little sad that i am going into month two of it being impossible to have pleasant relaxed interactions with my partner" was so impossible for my mother to process right now at her current level of exhaustion/distress that she literally just fell silent and then changed the subject without ever directly acknowledging it, which is. not typical for her. so she's clearly not available for anything resembling me needing emotional support from her. which is again incredibly understandable.

but, you know, it turns out there are three people on earth i can call if i am having a hard time and they are all having a much more direct hard time and i am mainly having a hard time about how upset they are. so. instead i guess i will say nothing to anyone? and vaguely regret not forming more highly emotionally intimate personal friendships with people? i suppose technically there's two other people where it wouldn't be an insane overstep but one i haven't talked to in 6 months, one lives in australia now, and theyve both always been way more busy and stressed and hard-to-schedule than me and i don't think that will be changing ever

at least i have a blog i guess. writing this is probably good or something. i mean it is but i don't know if this is going to perform the same function, i don't mean to denigrate the benefits i get from having online friends, which are considerable

[destinyc1020]

Confession: I think this might be last post ever on tumblr, I think I might leave tumblr and social media in general. I feel like its become way too toxic and just not worth the effort nor do I feel happy using it, its just so menatally draining. In addition Im getting a little fed up of fandoms and stan culture, it used to be fairly a fun space but now it feels like a space where hatred, racism, toxicity have kinda infiltrated. Things like movies or just enjoying actors or whatever have become less and less interesting it no longer feels like celebrating but like we are in competition, like the discourse has become lets compare and be hurtful to others and their opinions and I just think fandoms have just been too invasive, too parasocial and I dont want to be in that space anymore.

I do want to say I enjoyed your blog and love how you try to bring as much joy and positivity to this space. You are one of few bright spots and keep doing what you do and thank you for cheering me up at the times I felt a little down . Its been fun but I think its time for me to bid a permanent farewell. All the best ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Awww..... I'm so sorry Anon. 😞

I hope you haven't left Tumblr already and are going to miss my response back to you. 🥺

Oh well.... I'll respond back anyway, no matter if you ever see this post or not. 🙃

First of all, thank you so much for your confession. I really appreciate your honesty on this topic, because I really do feel like fandom/stan culture has really gotten to a point that it's become exhausting in many fandoms... even when the celebrities themselves aren't even problematic! 🤷🏾‍♀️

It's become toxic for sure. 😞 And I, too, don't really appreciate the constant comparisons, the putting down of other actors just to raise up your faves, the spreading of lies and falsehoods in order to make other celebrities look bad, the recurring nonstop complaints about an actor's film career even though their career is going just fine, the immediate "cancel" culture just because someone isn't perfect 100% of the time, the jealousy and downplaying of another actor's talents just because it's not your fave in the role, the annoying film twitter debates, the use of RT as the almighty "gold standard" in a filming project's validity, the over-FOCUS of film critics and their reviews of certain films instead of just watching the film yourself and forming your OWN opinions, the constant bickering among various fandoms and stan wars, the overly-anxious fans who get nervous if their fave isn't in a new casting announcement every 2 months, etc.... The list goes on and on and on....

It's just exhausting.... 😫 And I feel like I see a lot of these comments bts because ppl can literally hide behind Anon on my blog and say whatever they want. 😩

So yea girl...I totally feel you. ❤️

I'm hoping you won't stay away forever, but I totally encourage and support you in taking a break away from here (or social media in general) if that's what you need to stay healthy and emotionally and mentally upbuilt. 🥰

If you ever feel comfortable and would like to come off of Anon and chat with me privately on here, or discuss this in greater detail, feel free to reach out and DM me! You'll always have a safe space. ❤️🥰

Wishing you all the best 🙏🏾🤗

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

dont have aspd but i like never had emotional empathy growing up (yay mix of autism and childhood situations that caused me to unlearn/block off emotional empathy) and i've never felt remorse and i only get small twinges of guilt i can easily brush aside, but i watched drrr at age 17 and showed it to my family and having all of em be like "yo ur just like izaya" (my mum was like "yeah if i hadnt been super careful how i raised u, 100% u would've turned out worse than izaya" which. uh considering before izaya the chara i related most to was azula from atla. fun to hear). and it me caused me to be like "oh shit maybe i should like learn empathy". i didnt realise i had cognitive empathy or that it was even a thing so i spent a few years teaching myself emotional empathy and man it suuuucks. worst decision i ever made. now i spend time being like upset for other ppl? when i used to just, be able to intellectually understand things sucked for them and help em out w/o feeling anything and so i wasnt emotionally bothered/drained afterwards. whereas now i like, spend time crying over other ppl? exhausting and terrible. it hasnt improved me as a person at all, im dont actually care abt things any more than i used to, and i think cognitive empathy is by far the most useful and practical out of the two. im not saying u shouldnt listen to ur therapist, i just kinda wanted to get that off my chest and not be judged?

WANNA MAKE CLEAR i am not judging u i just have always always always wanted to use this meme for as long as i have known of its existence

and what ur describing is literally exactly why i worry abt emotional empathy and feeling remorse like. maybe i'm fine existing this way. maybe i don't want to be fixed!! i get that itd make me more palatable and easier to get along with or whatever but i'm a person too!! what about me?? everyone will have conflict at some point; what about me makes it so that all chances of that need to be hammered down?? i'm a person too- what about what i feel is right for my own emotional state???

fun facts my fiance liked me partly because i reminded him of izaya. idk if you know enough of my blog to know my Lore but: he knew me for a day thru roleplaying and i wanted to know him outside of a rp context, and he was talking abt liking psychology. i then challenged him to diagnose me, yaknow As You Do, and in a Public Server he went "oh you have aspd, don't you?" totally innocently, he had no idea abt the stigma

i ofc denied it because i wanted him to like me and also was sixteen, but oddly enuf the aspd traits are (partly) Why He Liked Me??? not in a fetishistic way but just like, accepting that was part of my personality that doesnt need to be hammered out and like, not acting like Total Full Remission It's Like It Was Never Even There is the only end goal worth chasing like. maybe i dont wanna fully remiss maybe thats my choice and i have fuckin, command over my own god damned mind body and life!!!???

also fwiw: i dont know the rest of your symptoms but you having autism and the symptoms coming from trauma don't negate the possibility that it's aspd so id suggest looking into it more! even if a therapist said you didnt have it, they can be kinda..... stupid about aspd lmfao! don't look on quora and don't look on reddit nothing good lies behind those walls

[golbrocklovely]

not the same anon but i wanna add to the alcohol thing. go out,have fun, do you but stas has posted herself out drinking and celebrating getting drunk,being hungover, and curing that hangover with more drinking. i dunno what’s happened to kat, it was probably already in her but she does a lot of this often now almost as if this were the go to choice of beverage. they both have posted themselves pregaming to go out and get drunk and one of them just posted a tiktok where both are holding 2 drinks each. Im honestly glad someone else pointed this out and noticed it too because most of the fandom seems to praise them and treat it like the anon said all cutesy and silly when its not.

I remember last year people blaming snc as a bad influence on the girls for drinking and look now. It wasnt snc it was them. the boys are working and theyre fine. these two are using this as a crutch. also how can you not feel emotionally,mentally, and even physically exhausted going out every night and doing this.sam legit quoted stas last year saying she rather drink than eat.

i'm gonna combine these two asks together since they are about the same thing. hope you don't mind.

this is kinda long so... i'm sorry about that.

so the last time i talked about this type of stuff/the last time i got asks about stas and kat drinking was back in 2021/22 and any time i made the same argument i'm gonna make now, i got chewed out bc ppl misinterpreted what i said and felt like i was minimizing alcoholism. as someone that has had family members on both sides have addiction issues with alcohol (along with other things), i'm not one to be blase about alcoholism. this is also not me shrugging off the real issue that stas and kat could have addiction problems.

however…. we don't know them. we only see what they post. and it's not impossible that they make it seem like they're drinking a lot when in actuality they might only be having one or two drinks. does that make what they're doing any better? no. i'm not making that argument. what i'm trying to say is that we shouldn't jump to conclusions when we don't know the full story. plus, you can't diagnosis someone via a couple stories and snapchat or two. that's just reality.

does that mean that them joking about being alcoholics is cool? no it's not. it's really dumb at the very least, and extremely dark at the most. my hope and my personal belief is that they are just partying a bunch and made some tasteless jokes. i remember when i was in college, basically the same age (if not younger) as them, and ppl around me would joke about being alcoholics. i didn't find it funny, but they did. and i'm gonna assume that it's the same thing with them. that it's not them casually telling their fanbase that they have addictions issues, but more "omg isn't it so funny how we drink every night when we party??"

i don't think this behavior is great, especially since a lot of snc's younger fans have drifted into being these two girls' fans. it's not cute to aspire to be drunkards in your early 20s. you wanna go out and have your fun, so be it. but be realistic about what your limit is. also, you don't have to hit your limit every night. you don't have to drink every night either.

but again, as i stated before, i don't think they actually have addiction issues. if they did, that's for them and ppl close to them who know them to discuss and figure out. not for us to speculate over a couple stories and snapchats. i don't pay attention to them enough to really know one way or the other, but regardless i think it's best to not assume something's wrong. if it is really that much of an issue to anyone reading this, maybe reach out to them somehow and tell them you're concerned. or if it's too triggering, which is totally understandable, just block them and move on.

i truly wish them the best, and i hope their fans know that excessive drinking is not good for you.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3833

took mom to the doctor first thing today. brought aunt wendy with us.

brought mom home after the appointment and went to the grocery store with aunt wendy to grab things she'll eat for her time with us.

came back put everything away went back to sit in my car. i was gonna go somewhere but the physical therapist showed up for my mom and blocked me in, so i let her in and sat with my aunt and was silly with her during mom's appointment.

i made sure to get them water and whatever they needed, i asked a dozen times and then said "if there is nothing else i can do for you, would it be okay if i went to take a nap?"

so i was allowed to go nap.

talked a little with leo before napping, but eventually i fell asleep.

i woke up around 6:15, knowing i had to make dinner, but a few minutes passed and my sister came up saying that dinner was almost ready. i was surprised and grateful that i didn't have to cook.

so i got dressed again and went downstairs and helped set the table and had food that i was actually hungry for. because i woke up from my nap with an actual appetite and desire to eat something. which is something i haven't had in four days.

so it was nice to eat something good and flavorful. (we had stir fry with noodles and it was really good. i'd happily eat it all week.)

i cleaned up here and there and threw stuff away and mentally/emotionally struggled for a minute before going upstairs and sitting down briefly to talk to mom and aunt wendy.

we made it downstairs to watch oak island around 8, and i grabbed my backpack and sat down with my laptop to watch my python class from last week, grabbing water refills and ice cream before sitting down. i have a lot to do still. i watched the class video and i opened the file for working on my homework for it, and i read all the announcements, but i didn't get as far into the work as i'd hoped. i have reading to do and another video to watch and questions to come up with and questions to answer and i am not prepared to do it.

i'm frustrated. i'm glad i got to nap today, because i clearly needed it. but im still tired and stressed out and in need of normalcy. school tomorrow is online.

so that's fine.

i'm trying my best.

i'm in bed, it's a little after 1am, i am participating in revenge sleep procrastination. i'm fucking exhausted.

i did get to talk to joel this evening. he agrees that my assignment for python is silly. i miss him. i want to be back with him for many days so i can just not be stressed about my mom.

sigh.

[ellie-mutterings]

google search: how do i get my life back in order

okay, but let's be real for a second. my head has been spinning for months now, and now it's just finally slowing, and i'm not sure it'll land straight yet.

to be super real, my grandma passed a couple months ago. it wasn't wholly unexpected, but it was still an emotionally taxing few days while we waited to see how things would go. i wasn't particularly close to my grandma, how close can you be to a woman who has nearly twenty grandchildren, but it was still hard. wakes, funerals, packing up her things. my schedule disappeared overnight and i didn't realize how scattered i was until a couple weeks had passed.

to add an extra challenge, my sister was getting married! in a different country. and our pets have never been apart from us for more than, say, twelve hours? so then i had to handle a couple weeks of prep to make sure they were both cared for while we were away from home for a week and between fall weather starting here and having been so disrupted at my grandma's passing, everything was a mess and i couldn't handle it anymore. so i spent basically all of my free time cleaning so that we would be able to come back to a clean home. which i don't regret at all.

so then we're gone for a week, and the trip is great, and the wedding was beautiful, and my love, who has been having a tough year at work takes an extra week off to recover. im glad he did, he's been so burnt out lately, but i work from home, so him being home during the day means my entire workday is different.

and now hes back at work and im still working from home. alone. and i look at everything around me and i just don't know what to do with it. there are a few things i should probably clean, but that feels exhausting just to think about. and i could probably work on a few craft projects, but i've learned my lesson from sewing when i can't offer something all of my attention. and when i try to write, i just start at the screen. i can see things happening in my head, but trying to convert that to words is impossible. nothing comes out.

and im tired. this time of the year is hard with the holiday prep and the changing seasons. even in the best of circumstances, my mental health can really falter but now i feel like i need to do something, i can't just sit and feel like this and do nothing, but everything is just... out of reach.

i doubt anyone will read this, i wouldn't, but i just needed to feel for a second, let those feelings out into the world. i will be fine, i know i will, but right now, how the hell do i start putting my normal life back together?

[mysticvixin]

I might be cursed.

It's like no matter what I do it's fucking broken or doesn't work the way I want it to.

For example, today i wanted to do a stream where I drew. My computer monitors weren't set up the way I like it so I thought it was broken and I was already emotionally exhausted from the previous days. Gave up on that and took a break so I can vent everything out at therapy.

Computer screen goes dark literally five minutes into the session. I just want to cry. But still able to communicate with therapist but it was still fucking embarrassing. Had to turn computer on and off again and then fix battery settings to never let my computer just go dark after a period of time.

Rest of the day was okay. Lost all my custom pens but most are still able to be downloaded, got some new brushes and shit. Doodled a updated version of vtuber. Cool. Lovely. Fantastic. just watched youtube. Hyperfocused on it in fact cause i was in the 'Did I draw this with my hand like it was me? I made this?" phase.

Looked at a lot of anime boys for ref I guess.

It's getting late now. Everything seems to be chill still. Things are finally settling down.

Then my wacom pen breaks and now I can't draw digitally. And not like just the nib, the tip of the nib broke with the end of it still in the pen. I can't remove that bit out. and even if I did the pen is still technically broken.

replacement is about 35 dollars. Fine. Whatever.

At least the footage is fine now after resetting my pc and shit. And while I realize the majority of this is simply due to my typical computer functions not being what I'm used to and having to log into things or redownload things again, it's still upsetting. Makes me feel out of control and frankly hopeless. Also doesn't help that I'm terrified given the election this close to the end. as well as the desperation for a job, living in my mom's closet, it's just hitting all at once and I just feel like scum on the bottom of the world's shoe. I realize I'm being negative but I'm simply feeling my emotions out.

and this is me doing that right now. As my therapist recommended. So pardon if im rambling or repeat im just so fucking tired of existing right now and i know that i will laugh at this in the future. I will also get through this and I will move on.

I always do. It's what I've been doing my whole life. Anyway. please don't take this as me wanting pity. I don't want it. This is just life. and if life was predictable and easy then there would be no variety or flavor to it. But at the same time I wish I didn't have to suffer. I wish no one had to suffer. But without it.. There's no real point to life either.

I know what it's like to have everything..it's torture.. At least for me.

but that's probably a tale for another day.

I just feel like im getting kicked into the mud over and over and over again with no breaks big enough for me to adapt and stand back up. I've had old thought processes plaguing me through all of this. I refuse to listen to them. And I refuse to fall back into those mindsets. It will get me nowhere.

All I can say is just keep going. It's the best you can do. No matter how small you inch forward. You are going forward regardless.

Time will pass.

Things will change.

Just keep going.