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#im convinced people are more mentally ill than me
beatheprincess · 5 months
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Dear god these 50 year old men gotta stop following me :/ shouldn't yall be retired spending time with grandchildren? Instead u follow a 19yr old ??? Get a life pls- do not sexualize me, these ppl seriously need to be evaluated.
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dubioushonour · 4 months
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Thinking midnight thoughts.
Thinking I want to go back in time and punch both of my sisters in the face for telling me I was going to die alone at the age of 13 because I wasn't the kind of girl that boys liked.
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wutheringmights · 7 months
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#my digestive issues are literally under the most control they have ever been in my life and they are still ruining my life#woke up fine today. went to a coffee shop. had to leave after an hour#i had so many plans for today and now i'm stuck at home because i can't be too far away from a bathroom#i didn't eat anything that would trigger this. my gut just hates me i guess#earlier this month i have a risk food but i thought i took enough precautions to be safe and it fucked me up for like#2 weeks straight#i wonder what its like for people to not have to wonder about bathroom access every time they leave the house#i wonder what its like to eat normal foods without calculating how sick its going to make you#i wonder what its like to not have entire plans tossed out the window for reasons beyond your control#fucking sucks man#i hate ibs#in exchange for my terrible gut i do have a fantastic immune system somehow but weirdly that means i never take time off work?#ok so i am so good at just managing my issues that i just power through whenever im sick.#it's not like i can afford to take time off whenever i feel sick anyway and besides once you have to take multiple AP tests in high school#while in the middle of an episode you grow a lot of tolerance for being functional while sick#but then. i just i could have excuses to take days off because i have a cold or something. get a rest every now and then#but what illnesses i get beyond digestion issues are so slight that i can just. power through. i am never ill enough to take time off#and i get so worried that one day I will need that PTO that I can't convince myself to use it for like mental health days and ugh#this is more of a personal problem than anything but still. i wish i got sick like a normal person
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dyketubbo · 2 years
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theres something so terribly and uniquely lonely about systemhood sometimes
#mask mews#plural stuff#i dont know how to explain it but its like.#if i focus hard enough i can convince myself im warm but in the end once my focus drops my bodys as cold as its always been#(<-probably completely nonsensical my bad)#we have a very extensive headspace and many. many headmates#but i know that if i tried to map out the auditorium i live in i would not be able to#and even with all of my focus i would not be able to give proper directions#and i dont know what my headmates rooms really look like even though ive walked through hundreds of them hundreds of times#ive been over to tipps house more times than i can count or remember#i could not truly tell you what her kids look like even though ive known them since they were born (and thats unsettling in its own way.-#-theyve grown so fast. theyre nearly teenagers and its only been two years. maybe three.)#i dont know what her living room looks like. i have no idea what fog sounds like even though ive talked to her more than anyone#if i wanted a hug i know intimately that there are over a hundred people in here that would jump at the chance#i also know intimately that the body would still be cold. that i wouldnt properly be able to focus on the mental image of being hugged#mosslid has held me in a hand for hours on end. i could not tell you what it feels like without having to think and even though i know it#happened itd feel like i was making it up#im used to it but if i think about it for any longer ill feel like im in one elaborate horror story. haha#ok to rb
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brilliant-soul · 2 years
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#personal#got into it w the boytoy#so i guess we cant talk anymore#which feels so final#all bc he hates the way i communicate more than anyone else ive ever met in ny life#i thought i was doing pretty good#so its kinda a shock#just came at a really bad time#everything is fracturing#i didnt need this rn#ive tried so hard to explain myself and communicate and be honest and it all just came to bite me in the ass#like yes i know having rsd doesnt absolve me of being shitty sometimes#but in the context of our convo it should shed some light that I CANT HELP IT#and then for him to throw in my face i get all up in my head abt crazy things was unnecessarily rude#like i told him bc i couldnt convince myself i was wrong abt it anymore#just. the complete lack of understanding. shit hurts!!!!#yeah im not gonna win best communicator awards or anything but fuck if i wasnt trying#and then to say he experiences it and knows other people who do. at what point do you admit maybe im worse off than you and anyone you know#god forbid i be mentally ill with a man#either way i sent him another msg this morning bc im dumb and also i dont make life decisions past 10pm#just saying he was holding me accountable for the others w rsd that have hurt him#and how it wasnt fair#and how he changed the way he wanted me to talk when we were arguing#i hate it when all someone sees is what youre not doing as opposed to what you are doing#like asking everytime i thought he was upset w me was MONUMENTAL for me#and all i got was shit on#about a boy
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kittykatinabag · 6 months
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Nothing like visiting a city again to reinvigorate your will to live.
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drawlody · 5 months
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My list of Adam ships♡ n my opinion bout them (also fics rec :D)
Adam x Luicfer (Adamsapple/Duitarduck) 10/10
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Need i say more:)))??!?! started out as a "haha funny slip-up ship" to "hey they got really good angst potential". The friends/lovers to enemies to lovers is STRONG with this one n i am eating up everything i could found on ao3. Smth bout this macho-ass man finally getting to stay back n not take charge for once feel nice, also princess Adam supermacy wooooo. Whoever came up with the ship name i applaud u cause that's like a 3 layers name(ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧
It's not an Adamsapple fic without Adam having at least 1 mental breakdown n Lucifer have his guilt eating him alive:)))
Very fucked up torture but i swear it worth the pain:D The dove is so dead it start to rot so plz read the tags properly (plz check out the AngeliaDark other works too they got good shit)
This one have a splits so check out both the fics (beware the author have a skrewed sense of what is considered wholesome:))))
I didnt think a smut scene could be this sad
Adam x Lute (Guitarspear/Guardrock) 10/10
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Litteraly my first Hazbin ship, assholes in love is an underrated dynamic we desperately need more off:))) That with a dash of evil dude x loyal subordinate (which i havent seen since the Deathglare days) n opposite attract (look they have one main thing in common is that their extreme bloodthirst, other than that she's stricter than ur mom n he's lazier than the Sloth ring itself but that the beauty of it no? He convince her to chill tf out n not to burst a blood vessel, she keep him on track n make sure Sera dont come on their asses)
They're just being silly enabling each other terrible behaviour n i love that for them (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ) Litteral besties i tell ya
Heavy non-con shit involving Val but Lute will revenge our boi i promised u that
Cool idea n they r just made for each other damn
First hazbin fic i read which is a really cool smut:D
Adam x Micheal (we need a ship name people ) (update: it's Songbird/Guitarhero) 10/10
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I like how we dont even got a proper comfirmation of Micheal design/personality yet the ship is here already ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ( im using the Nakariiale's design as a base here love their design)
Hit me with that rebound love x "u look like my ex so im using u as a replacement but ill fall for the real u eventually" x co-workers in heaven. I'm thinking smth along the line of "after Lucifer fucked off with Lilith, Micheal became Adam guardian angel n they just hang out" ya feel me here? (✿◕‿◕✿)
Shout out to Bloog_b for dragging me into this ship:DDD also im on the Adam x the archangels ship as a "gotcha" to Lucifer of sort. Like bitch u stole my wives imma steal your brotherS
Look it's Adamsapple endgame but trust me u will be feed well on this ( u know how good u gotta be for people to ditch the main ship?)
I'm giving yall 4 fics here cause i can only found 4 rn(._. )
this one is uhh non-con so beware
Micheal is indeed Adam guardian angel in this one:D
Adam x Eve (Flowertunes) 8/10
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I dont care what yall said they love each other throughout Eden n Earth , might have a falling out in heaven but that doesnt change the fact that they were once IN LOVE. Honestly why cant we just have a couple that have the same bright-eyed innocence like one another.I refuse to believe Eve like willingly cheat on Adam with malicious intent n all, simply she was indeed ''tricked'' or just not fully understand the sistuation, n Adam love her way too much to think that she would do that to him like Lilith. Hell the dude was heartbroken after L left , starting the abandonment issues, so he would have cling to Eve, doing everything so that he aint alone again, even if that mean leaving Eden
Honestly it pisses me off that the Adam/Eve tag on ao3 most of the time is just 1 dialouge between them back when Eve bit the apple n thats it no elaboration on the couple whatsoever >:(((
Lots of switcharoos
sinner eve woooo
look its hard trynna find a fic focusing on them ok?
Adam x St. Peter (Guitargreeter (bet ya didnt see that coming:))) 7/10
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Base on this fanfic alone Joe my dude u r on the path of becoming THE Adam crack-ship writer n i am here for this:)))) just so u wait this dude gonna whip out a AdamxNifty , AdamxHusk fic later on ( •̀ ω •́ )✧
From within the fic itself the ship its 2 bros in love with homophobia standing in the way >:( also when did we have a name?!?!?!?
I just like Adam x anyone in heaven alright:D like bro famous n he got that ancient rizz, u telling mr he cant bag a hottie or 2-100+ hmm?
Adam x Alastor (Angelicradio) 8/10
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I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT ABOUT THEM THAT I SHIP I JUST DO φ(゜▽゜*)♪ i blame YOU honestly rn this ship is either Adam found Al after the fight n they make a deal or they're in heaven n they chillin this ship is confusing:D
They're angels on heaven
Adam gone back into eden n do shit differently
This is both Adam/Eve n Adam/Alastor kinda
Adam x Alastor x Lucifer (Angelicradioapple/ Charlie's dads (only me call them that lol)) 9/10
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''Hey Charlie u know how u r sad that your mother left? Wellllllll i got you 2 new dads suprise:DDDD''
Look 3 miserable men who hate each other + hell's greatest dad + my love for Dadam = Messy ass old men yaoi :DDDD n it work perfectly with Alastor Asexuality too!!! Like Adam n Lucifer could fuck each other brains out before Al joining in for the cuddles lol
Chaos ensue
Not exactly a love triangle but a love corner but hey we barely got food here :D
I cant believe how hot this shit is lol
Adam x Eve x Lilith x Lucifer (Eden poly/ applecore?) 8/10
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They could have been all married to each other(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ But as much as i go "OooOooo Poly yay'' i just cant vibe with EvexLucifer, like the cheating vibes is wayyyyyyyyy too much i just cant man . I mean with the interpetation that Lucifer came to Eden to hang out with the humans they all know eachother, they're a throuple yes but BUT when Eve came into the picture it was only with Adam n him only so the other 2 is ehhhh. Im fine with EvexLilith cause im seeing it happening later, not hidden from Adam while LuciferxEve got that deception going on .So uhhh in this ship they're more like bestie than lovers to me¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Also AdamxLilith is an underrated pairing like everytime i saw this applecore thing going on these 2 r at most tolerate each other like cmonnnnn we already twist this to hell n back, why cant we make it so their arguement was a petty non-malicious one n they still cares for each other hmm???
They're one happy family
IDK what to tell u bittersweet reunion n loving family is the only typa fic u get with this ship
Not that im complaining i need this wholesomeness
Adam x Mammon (Adammon/Madam/Greedyguitar/ 1st chirstmas.... hasnt had an offical name yet) 10/10
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They r litteraly same person different font idk what to tell u. More insults thrown around than Guitarspear but they're pretty similar. Adam is just " sinners suck ass but this dude is the worst in the best way". Also they're both big bois (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧ , they love towering over others
I'm sorry but there r barely BARELY
any fics of them :(
The art side is more plentiful tho :D
Adam x Angel Dust (Holydust/guitardust) 5/10
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THEY ARE BESTIES YOUR HONOUR n that the exact reason why i cant see them be together as a couple 100%, like the shit-talking bff vibes r wayyyy too strong XD Angel finally got someone who have the same vulgar humour as him n if Adam got married in hell Angel would 100% be his best bitch of honour (≧∀≦)ゞq(≧▽≦q)
They're best friends who have casual no-string attached sex that is ACTUALLY no-string attached:)))
I came to ship them due to those "What if they're co-workers under Val' scenarios ive been seeing on Tumblr
I got like 1 fic on ao3 i mean if u r looking for just platonic friendship between them then rest asure most Adam's redemption fics have that
I got 1 fic on tumblr
Adam x Charlie (Charadam/Guitarprincess) 5/10
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U know this ship give me a pretty bad first impression since a good chunk of the fics r either heavy non-con shit or lean wayyyyy to much into the daddy kink, ya know how Charlie got suppose daddy issues n all that jazz?:))) yeah that... that
But after seeing the art side of this ship im chillin with them now, since the art r pretty wholesome, usually having them decked out in punk-rock clothings hanging out. It's a big "Fuck you" to Lucifer n i live for these mf argueing ╰(*°▽°*)╯
So uhhh stay away from the fics if ya want an actual functional couple instead of wtv messed up shit we got there:))) But here's a fic anyway, the only one where it feel bearable n actual trynna go into said messed up relationship i already warn you
We got cracks like Guitarmaid (AdamxNifty), Valadam (AdamxVal) which i dont have enough materials to decied, Classicalrock (AdamxSera) sound interesting but also havent found anything , Guitarhalo (AdamxEmily) is an unexpected find, find i deem them to be more familial than romantic so we'll see if there's a fic good enough to convince me
Edit:i forgot to add Blitzo like Mammon already there why did i forgot
Adam x Blitzo (i dont think anyone even ship this but me:)) 7/10
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I cant find a single fic where they has anything more than a 1 nightstand n 1 interaction where they hit it off , i live off imagination alone (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`) but like fr fr they would match so well, like their bloodlust n general jerkiness would make them the 3rd asshole x asshole ship on this list :DDDD
Tho as much as i wanna see them go further i feel like an on-n-off relationship/friends with benefits fit em more ya know ( *^-^)ρ(*╯^╰) If ya have any fic but the 2 here that have them interact lemme know cause a bitch need food :)
This is a lot of tag(._. )
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hana-no-seiiki · 2 years
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WHY DON’T YOU GIVE ME A SMILE? (ACT 1)
YANDERE! BATFAM x JINX (ARCANE/LEAGUE)-ESQUE! READER
A lil’ platonic yanderes harley and joker in the mix too hehe
gender neutral reader.
cw/tw: mentally ill reader. reader has schizophrenia. reader has a massive fear of abandonment. harley and joker only feed to that. a r s o n among other crimes. gaslighting. manipulation. implied r*pe (by reader im so sorry you guys) reader is interested in all genders.
summary: meet jinx, gotham’s loudest, most explosive villain. no one knows who they really are, or if jinx is really even their name. but one thing’s for sure — they’ve got a lot of people chasing after them and their reasons aren’t so noble.
status: unedited
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Considering Jinx was inspired by Harley Quinn. You’re probably her protégé. Her darling little child with Joker.
YOUR ORIGINS:
She saw you in the aftermath of the explosion. Cold and alone. Fire roaring behind you despite the heavens pouring its heart out, as if it was desperately trying to wash your tears and pain away.
She saw your bruises and a girl a little older than you walk away.
Her heart ached for you. No child deserved to be put in that kind of position, so she stepped in and made herself known.
“ I . . . I only wanted to help . . . Don’t leave me . . . Don’t . . .
You muttered.
Joker, who came here to marvel at the chaos such an explosion would present smiles maniacally.
You. You were the one that did this.
This beautiful wreckage and an equally beautiful child.
You were practically begging to be moulded into a weapon.
You charged at them both as they got closer, and while Harley was ready to defend her man - even hurt you if she has to - they did not expect what came next.
You just, held unto Joker’s right leg.
“ She’s not my sister . . . No . . . if she was she wouldn’t leave me . . . “
You were far too emotional for his liking. But nonetheless. A boon can always be found in a curse. That is, your desire for revenge.
He takes one look at Harley before picking your small body into his arms.
“ Who cares about fools like them, little one? They don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.”
His smile never stopped widening, yet even as a kid you never saw it as creepy or unnerving. In fact, it only reminded you of the smiles you used to draw on your nail bombs.
“All we ever truly have is ourselves. “
“So, smile. Don’t let your tears bring you down.”
Moulding you into the perfect weapon was easy.
Having a psychiatrist as a partner did help a lot in your development.
All it took was a few reminders of that fateful day before you began obediently following their rules and instructions.
You were a genius and since Harley kept protesting against it. You weren’t baptized into a vat of acid like the couple was.
Now, Harley and Joker are the worst possible parents you can ask for. So unlike Arcane’s Jinx. You are way way more unhinged. Not to mention, horny and materialistic.
As you grew up, you began to take interest in intentionally hurting people just for the sake of it. Stealing things was just a normal Tuesday for you. Being successful in your endeavors for once, and having bigger stacks of cash felt exhilarating.
The women and men were amazing. Your pseudo parents being who they were, didn’t really care if you were a sexual deviant or a pervert. When your hormones started kicking in they let you do whatever you want. Even giving you some of the people he held hostage as a toy to play with. If you have the capability of getting someone pregnant/or getting pregnant yourself they wouldn’t really care about the baby but you knew them well enough to know they’d use the kid as a way to manipulate you so you were careful in that aspect anyhow.
Harley noticed that when laying with women you’d often call out your sister’s name or call them sis by itself.
Sick. Disgusting. Is what a normal mother would think after finding out such a fact.
But to her you were just growing up so quickly. She had convinced Joker to go ahead and kill your sibling a long time ago behind your back and was growing anxious with the thought of you hating her and ruining this happy family dynamic (she had in her head)!
So she starts bringing you to more heists in disguise. Always keeping a close eye on you so that if any of those stupid heroes and vigilantes get any close, and you too far. She’d know as soon as possible.
It’s safe to say you grew up pretty spoiled, but even then you were hungry for more.
You see, even if they (Harley and Joker) weren’t careful with their “parenting” approach. They were careful with keeping you hidden from the Dark Knight himself.
Not that they were scared you’d get hurt. They could always nurse you back up again. Harley actually enjoyed the times you’d gotten in the cross fire. More time to take care of you in her arms.
They were mostly scared of the Dark Knight stealing you. Afraid that he’ll take you away and turn you into a goody-two-shoes they wouldn’t recognize anymore.
So as much as you were more involved it still felt like they were babying you.
It was your situation with you family all over again
But this time, this time you’ll show them…
You weren’t weak. And it’ll do them good to remember that.
YOUR RIVALRIES:
You made your debut at around the time Tim was still Robin.
You were his very own Joker. A menace deal with. A person that only cared for the thrill that came with hurting and killing masses.
You were terrible. Evil. A demon he had to exorcise from this world.
A demon he fell hopelessly in love with.
He didn’t know how his feelings came to be. It may have been the amount of stress and pressure he was facing coupled with having to deal with your ass every damn day whether directly or indirectly. But he found himself yearning to see you at times. Getting warm when he thought of you. He felt solace knowing that no matter how many times he’d attempt to tear you down completely, you’d still come back to face him once again.
He was so guilty of his feelings. How could he fall for someone as heinous as you? You were the worst of the worst. But somehow that made things so much more better.
You were a taboo. A vice he couldn’t have. The thought of entering such a forbidden relationship excited him just cause it was just that — forbidden , a temptation that should always stay like that.
He somehow manages to gain the self control to stay away from you for a while.
But then came Damian and he was set to replaced. Just like that.
“Wow there Timmy Boy. You look like shit.”
“J-Jinx?! Why are you here? How do you know my name?!” He asked as if he didn’t know every single detail about you himself.
“I have to know my little birdie well don’t I?”
“What kind of archnemesis would Jinx be to their little Robin if they didn’t do a lil’ research?” You spoke in a higher, cutesy voice as if you were your handgun that you’ve affectionally named Zapper.
“Right you are Zapper! I would be a terrible rival. That wouldn’t do for a hero as great as Timmy!”
He thought that all his work was all for naught. All the hours he spent trying to prove himself was gone so fast.
But you reminded him of his place in this world. Of his position as a hero. Your rival.
The warmth in your eyes when you looked at him sealed the deal. There was no coming from this. He was yours as you were his.
“Only I can hurt you like this, toots. Don’t forget that.”
Little did you know that Tim took those words to heart and never let anyone else hurt him (and stay alive).
“Big Bat can replace you but you’ll always be the Robin in my heart !” You winked at him, signaling with one of your manicured fingers for him to smile. Which ended up almost scratching your cheeks.
Tim was confused (incredibly flustered, not to mention har—), why were you so kind to him all of a sudden. He knew you were the playful type but you were usually ruthless when it came to battle. You weren’t one to play with food for too long. For you to excuse him, much less help him in such a state.
Who were you and what did you do to his Jinx?
“OW hEy! I swear if you put that there Pow-Pow— I’ll—“ Tim heard you screeching out of view.
Scratch his doubts. Yep, you were definitely still his Jinx.
The Dark Knight knew who you were from the beginning.
He had his suspicions even before you came into the scene. With your knack to tag everything with neon spray-paints.
At first he thought you were a simple thug that Joker and Harley picked up. But the way they were sheltering you made it seem otherwise.
The regret he felt knowing that you were basically a child in their filthy hands and was now far too gone to save was immense.
If only he knew. You wouldn’t be in this situation.
While he was “dead” he found himself looking into you more. About the death of your biological parents and the way your sister abandoned you to Harley and Joker.
He felt pity for your childhood and a sense of kinship. Sure the incident may have been your fault but you were a child. How could you have known your actions would have such terrifying consequences.
If only you knew him when you were younger.
If only.
He was sure you’d be one of the greatest vigilantes alive.
“I knew you were alive.”
You looked down at Batman, staring while both of you were being doused by the rain. Thunder accompanying the sound of conversation.
He takes a defensive stance.
“I’m not going to fight ya, that’s Joker’s thing. And I know he’ll grill my ass if I stole his archnemesis.”
“What a loser!”
“Hey! He took us in. We should be more grateful!”
Bruce looked at you as you talked with a new, rather large, shark shaped gun. He had memorized the names of all your “companions” by now and was oddly excited and slightly unnerved by the new one.
“So, why’d you leave? Was it . . . was it on purpose?”
“No.”
“Then come back.”
He almost dropped all his plans with the way you told him that.
“Tim needs you . . . and your other sons too or whatever.”
“Come with me.”
“You crazy, old bat? Why would I—“
“I know what it feels like to have no family. Harley doesn’t love you. Joker doesn’t love anyone.”
“Do you?”
“I do.”
“Well tough luck man. I don’t give a shit about love.”
You dropped down to his level. A thud resounds, loud enough to cut through the rainfall and thunder.
“Cause love never gave a shit about me.”
“We’ll have to refuse. Just get back to your sons, hero!”
“I’m sorry, perhaps I didn’t make it clear enough—
— I don’t think you have a choice in this matter, [Y/N].”
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Act 2 with Jason, Dick and Damian coming soon! If you’d like to be tagged just reply to this post ^^
You like my writing? Follow my blog and maybe take a look at the fic linked below!
WHAT’S UP DANGER : Yandere Batfam x Miles Morales! Reader
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sohnric · 8 months
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BELOVED — E. SOHN
pairing: eric sohn x fem! reader
genre: hurt/comfort, friends to lovers. angst, fluff. the tiniest bit of swimmer! eric for some reason. wrote this in a moment of weakness handle with care!! :~)
word count: 2.4k
warnings: reader is said to be red in the face from the cold (alludes to specific skin color - im sorry i wrote this for me only and yall just get to read it), swearing, insecurity and jealousy, unspecified mental illness (?)
a/n: once again thank you to @csenke for beta reading and encouraging me to post this :p and also for existing. ily <3 btw swimmer eric is such a concept it gave us both whiplash maybe i need to revisit this in a full fic....
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The coldness of the crisp evening makes you sniffle, your bones freezing and fingers going numb even in the comfort of your coat pockets. Your brain is full of thoughts fighting amongst each other, running around and hitting the corners of your head, slowly causing you an annoying migraine. You now regret not taking your headphones with you, because the music could help you drown out the noise of your inner voice, but the you from an hour ago that decided to go on a walk to clear your head had other plans for you, so you now have to suffer the stream of your thoughts instead. The stream is so loud you swear you can hear it resonating through the silent campus, but you know that’s a foolish thought, so you fight it away with a bitter chuckle.
Eyes zeroing on the orange fluorescent lights coming from inside of the building you’re standing in front of, you start feeling a little silly for coming here. It’s not like you think you’d be sent away, but there’s also that little bugging voice inside of your brain that keeps reminding you that you weren’t invited. Your feet have dragged you here without your consent or order. One moment, you were walking down the river, shuddering from the cold, and the other, you found yourself in front of the pool– as if the tugging of your heart was stronger than your own brain, stronger than your own thoughts.
Sometimes you feel bad for taking it all out on him. At least that’s what you suppose you’re doing– with your annoyed remarks whenever he checks in on you, with your sighs whenever he asks what’s wrong. It’s not like he’s incorrect with his suspicions– he always somehow knows you’re in a bad mood, no matter how hard you try to mask it– you just don’t often feel like discussing the matter with him. Or anyone, really. Sometimes, you feel bad for pushing him away or not texting him back. Sometimes you feel truly shitty for the fact that you can’t open up to him, no matter how hard you try. 
And sometimes, you just truly think that he wouldn’t care. It’s weird how your mind works– someone could spend so much time with you, making memories together and laughing at your jokes, yet, your mind could convince you that they don’t really like you at all in the first place. That this is some sort of a game they’re playing, trying to see how long you can stay convinced that they enjoy your presence in their life before you notice and they step away. You don’t even know where this conviction is coming from. If you knew, maybe you could fix it. If you could locate it, you’d try to delete the flawed code from your system. 
Sometimes, you think he doesn’t care about how you are, what you’re doing, what you think. It has nothing to do with the way he treats you; more so with the anxiety nibbling at the corners of your brain whenever he talks to anyone else– with the constant fear of being replaced, of having him find someone better, someone less difficult to be friends with. In its full essence, the image is terrifying. You think your world would crumble if you lost another person in your life.
More so, you think your world would crumble if you lost him. You recognize that there’s a constant desire in the depths of your heart to be someone’s favorite– his favorite– to be the person someone would choose in a room full of people. To be the one they walk up to first with a smile and their arms wide open. 
And it’s silly. You’re his best friend. He tells you so every day. It’s the way you’re introduced to everyone out of his circle that you meet on parties or at campus.
Admittedly, you like hearing him say it. Best friend– the title shows you’re the best at something: at being his companion, at making him laugh, at being there for him, whatever it is that you do to earn that sticker. The title shows that you’re somebody’s favorite– his favorite– and it makes you deeply satisfied with yourself. It makes you proud, even. 
Some days, you still have a hard time believing it, though. Some days, you still feel stranded. Lonely. Isolated. It’s weird. 
Somehow, your heart, your feet and the unconscious part of your brain took you right where you knew you’d find him. You didn’t choose to go here– if you realized you were nearing the building, you would’ve even tried to stop yourself– and as you contemplate turning on your heel and going back home, hell, you even take the first step away from the pools, the sound of the main door opening and his voice calling for you makes you halt in your movements, gluing you to the pavement. 
Sometimes, the heart knows what it needs even before you get a chance to register it.
“Y/N! How long have you been standing there?” he calls after you, making you bite down on your lower lip. There’s no escaping him now– you guess it’s for the better, though.
Turning towards him, a guilty look spreading over your features, you shrug. “Not long.”
“It’s freezing out here! Why didn’t you come inside?” he asks, a wrinkle forming in between his eyebrows as he walks closer to you, his friends from the swim team patting his back and saying their goodbyes to the two of you as they pass the commotion on their way out.
“I didn’t want to intrude your practice,” you peep, sniffling a little from the cold.
“Gosh, you always do this,” he says, rolling his eyes at you. He almost looks mad at you, and by the way he raises his voice and throws his arms in the air in frustration, you think you’re correct with assuming he might be. “I texted you the whole day! Hell, I called, even though I know how much you hate phone calls. And I get that you probably didn’t feel like talking, but a simple ‘I'm okay, don’t worry’ text would’ve been nice!”
Dragging his hand through his hair in defeat, he shakes his head at you. “Besides, you can’t just keep shutting me off every time you are having a hard time, for god’s sake! Not only do I worry, but I hate seeing you suffer all alone.”
Chewing on the inside of your cheek, you listen patiently to his lecture. You know he’s right– he almost always is, because the rational side of your brain ceases to exist every time your insecurities fail you– so there’s really no aim in trying to argue or fight with him. 
Eric sighs as he steps even closer to you, adjusting the strap of his duffel bag on his shoulder before he reaches for the hood of your jacket and puts it over your head. “You could’ve texted me you were here, I’d leave practice early for you,” he says, voice now softer as he stands in front of you, not really wanting to scream straight into your face. 
You shrug in response, not really knowing what to say. Telling him you contemplated leaving  just seconds before he found you here would make him even more mad with you, so you choose to gloss over that fact. Besides, it’s kind of comforting, the way his words work. The way his presence calms you, makes the screaming match of your thoughts drown out with his firm comments and scolding remarks. His words, although full of frustration, make your insides warm up and your muscles relax, like you’re coming undone.
His face shows concern. His actions speak even louder than his words when he tugs the sides of your hood closer together at your neck, the hole for your head previously exposing your bare skin and making you shiver. “Couldn’t you dress more warmly? Do you want to catch a cold?” he mutters, shaking his head in disbelief. “You scutter here all unannounced, wearing close to nothing, and expect me to not be frustrated with you?”
You study his expression for a while. It’s not often you get to see Eric from so up close, but even in the darkness of the evening, you recognise the familiarity of his close-to-flawless features. Anchoring yourself into his gaze for a second, you move to study the sculpture of his cheekbones, the furrowed nature of his brows, the slope of his cupid’s bone. His hair falls into his eyes, making you instinctively drag your hand up and move his bangs out of the way, having the male wince at the contact of your fingers with his skin. “Hell, your hands are cold! You didn’t even take gloves? It’s minus five degrees outside!” he grunts.
It makes you chuckle. You did something nice for him, yet, there he is– complaining about the fact that you have yet again failed to take care of yourself. “I’m not even surprised, y’know, since you didn’t put on a scarf either, but sometimes I wish this little brain of yours,” he point his finger to the side of your temple, “had better self-preservation instincts,” he finishes as he fishes for something in his pocket.
Taking out his own gloves and holding them up to you so you can slip your numb fingers into the fabric, he continues on with his little tangent. “Next time,” he adds when you’re successfully wearing the warm garment, “text me as soon as you get here, okay? And look outside before you go out, so you know what to wear. Maybe open that little weather app on your home screen, even. Might be helpful,” he jokes, although a little dryly, as he brings out a scarf from his duffel bag, tying it around your neck and almost suffocating you with how tight he wraps it, making sure you’re defrosting under his tender care.
When he’s done dressing you up like a doll, you’re left staring at him speechless. Eric reciprocates the gaze, something gentle, yet worried mirroring behind his dark orbs. There’s comfort lingering in the air now that you’re not so cold, and with the added essence of his existence, the act of living doesn’t seem like such a hassle anymore. You feel lighter, in a way.
“Sorry,” he hums after a heartbeat of silence, “how are you feeling?” he asks, an apologetic look sent your way when he realizes he slipped into a heated lecture again, not knowing that this is exactly what you wanted and unknowingly came here for. (For his furrowed eyebrows and the crease in between them, his worried orbs and words tinted with frustration, showing you that he cares and wants you to be safe. For his little tangent, yet also gentle touches as he takes care of you and makes sure you’re staying warm. For the familiar look in his eyes, whispering to you that you’re the only thing in the whole world that matters to him right in this moment and always, forever.) 
You smile at the clueless boy. It seems to make something in him settle into a more comfortable place. “All better now,” you reply.
“Good,” he says. “God, you look awful,” he jokes– laughing airly to reference the state of your frozen face– cheeks and the tip of your nose red, eyes watery from the wind, hair messily sticking out from the bottom of your hood– as one of his hands comes up to cradle your face and squish your cheeks together, turning your chapped lips into a big pout. The contact of his skin on yours makes your stomach feel light with the contrast of his warm hand on your cold face, all your senses coming alive when his voice drops a few octaves lower, seriousness tinting his tone. “Promise me to take better care of yourself from now on?”
Nodding, not really having it in you to even make a noise, you watch as the male studies your face for a while. In any other circumstance, his gaze would make you shy away, but not now. Not when everything seems suddenly so simple, not when all your worries seem to slip through your fingers. When his eyes point towards your lips– your puckered, dry mouth– a sense of expecting takes over you, a strange kind of excitement buzzing in the tips of your fingertips. When you breathe in through your half-clogged nose, the mixed scent of his fabric softener coming off the scarf tied tightly around your neck and the smell of the shower gel he uses to wash the chlorine off after his swimming practice hits your nose, making you a little light-headed. No words are spoken as the male suddenly leans in and presses a quick peck to your lips.
His warm lips meet with yours in what seems to be a second-long contact, but it’s enough to have the ghost of his touch lingering, enough to make your stomach churn in joy.
The action was so painfully casual– as if it was second nature to him. As if there was no reason for him to contemplate the decision– as if this was what he wanted to do all the time, and so he did it. Sometimes, actions speak louder than words.
Selfishly, though, you must admit you need both– you need the words just as much as the actions. Good thing Eric knows you so well– sometimes you think it’s even more than you know yourself.
“Now come on, let’s get you home,” he hums, hugging you to him with his right arm as you two walk down the sidewalk, “wouldn’t want my beloved girl to freeze to death right here.”
His beloved.
The words resonate in your brain. This time, it’s a good type of screaming match happening with your thoughts– all worries battled, using his sentence to cut out the bad parts like a sharpened knife. This time, your mind is full of fireworks and excited buzzing, sending the happy signals all across your body, helping you fight winter with the power of gentle loving. 
And sure, you know that those feelings might come again. There’s no way of telling when the skeletons will appear, hunting down your happy thoughts. But you know that even if they do, you will always somehow find your way back to Eric, and he’ll make sure to remind you of what you need to hear, and you’ll be okay again.
You guess The Beatles were right after all. Maybe all you need is a little love sometimes.
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How am I supposed to deal with anti-shifters and people literally calling shifting a mental illness? I know it’s real, and it's baffling how some people want me to confine myself to a reality that doesn’t serve me. It’s like they can't comprehend that our realities can be fluid and personal. And don't even get me started on the pretentious, usually well-off, white shifter content creators who make videos about how perma-shifters are selfish. It's as if they can't see past their privilege and understand the deeper connections and meanings behind shifting. I sometimes wish I could permanently delete this account from existence because it's just so frustrating to navigate through all this negativity and misunderstanding. I know now I’m in a world filled with possibilities, and yet some choose to limit themselves and impose those limits on others. I can be happy one day, truly happy one day and jt makes me angry that it makes some people mad I believe I can wake up in a new world with wealth and money and a family that doesn’t abuse me and visit my favorite movies. Im not hurting anyone
Not trying to be mean because I get it and went through this as well, but some of you are addicted to arguing and stirring things up. Some people become complicit in their own suffering because you don’t have to consume that type of content! you can avoid it if you train your algorithm hard enough.
If there’s one thing you can learn from religious people, it’s their “I’ll pray for you” mentality. If someone doesn’t believe in God, they just say they’ll pray for you so you don’t got to hell or whatever
When you encounter anti-shifters, just hope that one day they open their minds and discover there's more to the world than meets the eye. If they never choose to do so, it doesn’t affect your journey. One thing YOU SHOULD NOT take from religious people is making shifting your entire identity. Yes, it’s part of who you are, but it's not everything. When you don’t believe in God, some religious people become upset because religion is their identity, not just a belief system. Shifting and the loa are similar in that way—if you’re secure in your journey, would you really care if others believe or not?
You can block them and move on, but I know that’s easier said than done. It makes you angry because you’ve made it your identity instead of just an inherent way of life. Everyone shifts, even anti-shifters, so whether they believe in it or not doesn’t matter.
They’re like flat-earthers to me—I just roll my eyes and move on. It shouldn’t take a toll on your inherent being or mental health. If it does, take a step back. Stop diving into communities you know will make you angry. You don’t have to drag ShiftTok drama to Tumblr or rant about them. Avoid reblogging blogs that share misinformation and arguing with them. You don’t have to share YouTubers who think perma-shifters are delusional or self-harming.
Really sit down and think: if you genuinely believe in shifting and believe you can do it, would you go around trying to prove it to those with no interest in it? Are you trying to convince them or yourself? Don’t tie shifting or anything spiritual to your worth or identity. It’s just your inherent being. Everyone is God in their own right, whether they recognize it or not. It’s not your job to force enlightenment on others. Focus on yourself, use the block button, and defend yourself when attacked without meaning but if there’s no progress in the conversation, still use that block button. Stop entering spaces you don’t agree with.
LOA vs ND, be states vs A and P—some of you guys genuinely just want to live out your high school clique fantasies on Tumblr. Stop arguing and do your own thing. Engage in the free will you have and stop turning spirituality into pretentious Reddit philosophy echo chambers of people who have lost sight of the teachings. This isn’t politics no one focused on their journey and life cares okay; no one cares. It’s should be very fun, engaging and simple—just remembering who you are. I know humans love labels and categorizing because we’re so diverse and versatile and three-dimensional, and sometimes that’s a lot so we want to find our “place” but your own label and true essence and limitless. take a deep breath, close your laptop, and remember you already know who you are.
I totally get that shifting has been life-changing for us, especially when so many of us have come from really challenging backgrounds. It can be incredibly disheartening to see someone tearing apart something that gives you hope. That’s why I find it frustrating when people casually say, "The only thing you have to lose is trying." Hope is a huge factor when you feel like you’ve got nothing else, and the belief that something can save you is incredibly powerful. You work tirelessly, holding onto hope despite facing the same difficulties that dragged you into a tough mental state and life situation in the first place—that's disheartening, and I’m not trying to downplay that at all.
But when you truly realize it’s going to happen, and when it finally does, you won’t even care about the naysayers. I’ve been there, looking back and realigning my thoughts, thinking about all those times others doubted everything. They argued and criticized, but in the end, their opinions won’t matter. It’s about that personal journey and the shift within yourself, the kind of change that makes all the worth it, because when you get past all that useless noise, it’s just you and the incredible things that you did that matter. This is your life so make the most of it.
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turnstechgodhead · 7 months
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ok to the anon thats talkin w me about mental eelness and bro and the "knight of time" line:
id post your entire ask but its Very Long and im struggling to answer all of it in a way that isnt fucking with my head and anxiety so im going to answer with only the character analysis stuff HERE on this post my apologies
for the record i dont even remotely know how to begin tagging this mess down here and i really think itd be better suited for my nsfw blog but yall aint asking about this on that blog which is fair take care of yourselves
JSYK it's stuff about brocal/intrusive thoughts about inc st and c s a SO kids please avert your eyes for my comfort thank YOU
i dont personally have ocd afaik but as someone who Has intrusive thoughts (actual horrifying ones that dirk, gabe and i have to beat back with a stick, not the ones kids think are intrusive thoughts today)
i definitely think that's how bro approaches raising dave; overcompensating for the accusations from his mind and cal[iborn] leading to total icing him out
okay same anon who was asking abt the “i was raising the knight of time” line. you saying “caliborn made [bro] believe that platonic affection is in fact not platonic at all and is instead sexual[the implications when bro is constantly carrying around cal with his arms around his neck btw. insane.]” is fascinating. is this based off the fact that caliborn thinks even hugging or a kiss on the cheek is “filthy?” it makes me think about ocd/bipolar disorder/misc mental illnesses and intrusive thoughts. i have bipolar and im a huge softie for kids but my intrusive thoughts sometimes try to convince me that my affection is somehow sinister.
YES very much
i need to describe to you my thoughts on brocal really quick bc i think that'll help put it in perspective and idk how else to talk about it;
heres the thing
cal is both bro's boyfriend and his fucking family okay
imagine you're a kid and you have this puppet friend that speaks to you using silly words and tells you that you should eat glass maybe :) or cut your fingers off or tear off your own head and hes the only thing thats taking care of you as a person even if hes mean
he tells you that people touching is inappropriate and vulgar and he cant believe theyre doing that in public (but its okay if we hug and cuddle you know?)
but also as you grow up this puppet starts calling you weird shit like stud or hunky or what the hell ever and maybe. youre going to kiss him
this puppet is the only thing you care about because hes the only thing that cares about you youve been with him for years and years and he talks to you and hes all that matters and now youre obsessed with him and you dont know when that happened but you have an obsessive personality anyway
youll do anything for him. (let me kill for you)
hes the only person you love because you dont love roxy this way (consuming, overwhelming, obligating to do what he wants, because he's all you have)
and well shit
if cals telling you that youre a freak for wanting to cuddle on the baby like you did that once (call it the knight it helps keep your distance) then i guess you're a fucking freak because its not even your right to treat it as family anyway; it's bigger than you. it's more than you will ever be and you need to make sure it doesn't fucking die and apparently that involves at least a little bit of affection cal please understand(what a disgusting species)
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iheartliquor · 1 month
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dam im back again guys i just been taking it east both my laptops r broken the good one and the old shitty onee so i havent been tumblring much . psycosis was the most terriffying experience of my life , and i still cant figure out wat was real and wat wasnt , but the main point is that it doesnt matter and wat matters is just takin care of myself and not letting that happen again . tbh my friends said oh we knew this was coming one day which kinda made me feel bad lol but at the same time like wat do u expect ? u can only get away w that type of sleep deprivation n constnat inebriation and completely ignoring ur mental illness for so long . im doing cbt books now and im refusing to see anything but the love and light in every situation , cause like , u kno j, as they say ,, where we dwell in consciousness is truly where we dwell in life . its just been kinda hard and strange and bad and i feel like i have to like , superstitiously take plan b now wheras before i knew i would be fine . or no i didnt i mean before i would let myself have that as a worry in the back of my mind but now i have to superstitiously take precautaions . i kno that can b its own type of ocd and im doin counciling for that . its all just been really stressful and terrifying .... iwanna tell about the experiecne but i dont wanna like , u kno , spread bullshit around or pay attention to it when its bullshit . some parts were so good and beautiful , but some parts were so terrifying . i really thought i was bein taken to hell , and then i really thought like , i was so convinced i kill:ed myeslf and hurt my mom in that way i promsised myself i would neverr ever hurt her . that wasnt real tho but it felt absolutely so real :((( , i think how many years i would read ghost stories online and that felt like searching for something divine more than bein raised w my lack of god or watever , anyways , yeah im not gunna dwell on everything but basically im doing a lot better , i can tell the full story once im far away from it . ive felt so strongly sometimes like , i wish i could go back , to the world i lived in for the majority of my life where theres nothing that can get me or make me do bad things . and i can , i can i can i can itll just take awhile to get to the mental place where i can plainly see it was all or mostly bullshit / hallucination . brutal summer to be hoenst for tthis gal , oh well , anyways , sending u all all my love . life is scary and life is crazy and its still just all a big mystery , no matter what anyone says , and itll b okay , and i think i'll getta see all the people i love again just in a different way . eternal love , unconditional love , undying love ..... yes those three are the theme of the day...... anyways ok everyone have a lovely evening, its precious beautiful august . summer means so much to me , being where im from , and ive just had to like barely barelyy survive it this year , idk . or i alwayss said Every Single Summer I Feel Like I Was Born Again but this year i really really know wat that feels like , just in the snese of im gunna take my mental problems seriously now , instead of ignore them like my whole entire life . I finally figured out why LIQUOR ALWAYS FELT LIKE MEDICINE..... hahaha ok . all love everybody .
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flemlem · 8 months
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okay so. warning, this is Long (for me anyway) and kind of unfinished? unpolished? its 1am and i am having Thoughts.
Little analysis of qTubbo and Morning Crew because ive been seeing a lotta opinions and I wish to add My Own into the Melting Pot.(I may get off track, im sorry, im incoherent at all times, thats why my posts are so short.)(also all characters just in case)
So first of all, Im putting it out there. Fit and Pac still care about Tubbo. From an outside view, from the audience, we can clearly see that. Unfortunately for us, Tubbo is infact not acting with the same knowledge in mind.
As far as Tubbo is aware they are going to move on without him. They have eachother now they dont need him anymore
With him and Fits relationship We can see that the jokes are banter and just silly, even if ill timed, but how was fit supposed to know that. We see this moment kinda throw tubbo back into 'I have to be worth something, because why would anyone Actually want to team with me if i cant give them something, if I cant make up for being Me '. He starts being more reckless about wanting create back, not really caring to try get out of the cage, even though he probably could of glitch blocked up there at the start.
Ive also seen people mention the fact that Fit 'told him he was family'. Now please genuinely correct me if im wrong. Fit only told Sunny she was family("Youre family"). Sure, he was Right There, but we know that tubbo sees Sunny as more important than him, its totally plausible that Tubbo thought that that wouldn't include him. Its never specified that that was directed at more than just Sunny (out loud), Tubbo also didn't know what sunny wrote (as far as im aware).
I had a whole paragraph on Pac too but it got too messy to salvage, maybe another day.
Tubbo has always been slightly weird about his place in Morning Crew, especially since it started "becoming an isocoles triangle". Im not sure if im more on the side of hes trying to push them away before they get the chance to to save himself the heartache, or if he's trying to show them how much they need him like a 'look at how weird it is when im not there At All. Look at my Cool Town with Foolish and Not you. Please need me still'.
Im Most on the side of him distancing himself, not to save himself the pain(maybe still slightly), not to try get them to come Get Him Back, but to almost hint at them that they Can move away from him. Trying to show them that he does have Other People they dont Need to be around him if they dont want to. The thing about this that isnt working is that Fit and Pac Do still want to be around him.
TLDR: Fit and Pac still care, but no matter how obvious, q!tubbo is mentally ill and has convinced himself that since they got together he is becoming Less and Less important, only catastrophising further at each thing that could be taken as cold even when theyre not.
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gayhenrycreel · 5 months
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what the fuck is wrong with this community?
why is there a requirement of trans men being subs? combined with the demonization of surgery, this cuntboy fetish thing kinda hurts. i never see any appreciation for, like... any dicks on men. unless said man is skinny, but also muscular to the point that im concerned for his mental health.
there are two (2) types of gay men allowed in the queer community: hairy muscular masculine cis man, and objectified "trans man" who is always white, fem, has no body hair at all, and is treated as a woman in every way. also he has to have a misgendering kink. its a requirement.
this would be fine if there was ANYTHING ELSE ALLOWED.
even irl i don't know any masc queer people at all. i feel very alone. does the queer community hate masculinity? i dont want to go into a relationship if its expected that im fine with being a submissive woman. i dont want to have sex before phalloplasty.
i go into a queer space (any space, irl or online) and everyone is talking about makeup and offering me some and calling me "girl" and theres this idea that men are evil. theres nothing wrong with femininity but radical feminism is never okay. the last queer space i was in irl had this one person who made jokes about how men suck and EVERYONE AGREED WITH HER.
everytime they have an event people offer me makeup and I GET CALLED A GIRL AGAIN.
even worse, the fucking coordinator tried to convince me to preserve my fucking egg cells after i said i want my entire reproductive system removed and stomped on. then she called me "girl".
and i said i didnt like makeup but people just said "are you sure?" like i dont know what makes me suicidally dysphoric.
i cant go into a space for people like me without my gender expression being questioned.
its bizarre that a cishet doctor would listen to me more about my sexual autonomy than a fellow trans person who says i might change my mind about HAVING A WHOLE FUCKING PERSON GROWING INSIDE ME. i have panic attacks about that. i have nightmares. and then she said i should still consider having sex, and when i said i don't want to she told me ill "meet the right person one day". i have a medical condition that makes penetration EXTREMELY painful, and when i try other holes i cant fucking feel anything, and no i dont like being pressured into sex because, shockingly, im not interested in getting raped.
i wont even consider sex until i get every surgery i can get. i just want a relationship that never goes past cuddles. i wish people would consider that i want to be a cis man, especially after ive already said thats what i want.
the cis people in my life always respect my gender. a lot of trans people in my life call me "girl" and tell me shit like "youll get to a point mentally where you dont need surgery to be happy".
i actually had someone say that to me. i said that not having t and surgery makes me suicidal, and they just told me i dont need it. then they said surgery is not necessary, even though ive wanted it for longer than i knew it was an option.
(dont worry gaylord and twobruhsinahottub im not talking about you)
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Hi hi! I love how in depth and detailed you are when making/creating characters, or even when talking about other characters.
but I was curious, I wanted to be more inclusive/have more representation of PoC with my art works. But I do not know where to begin, or how to properly do research especially with how to research history and find accurate articles or so on.
Which I was curious on if you have any tips or pointers on how to do this/do my homework correctly?
THANKS!! OOOOhhhh I love research! And for a recent Spidersona, I had to do something like this. So here's the process I use to say things that kinda sorta make sense sometimes
How to Learn Any Topic RIGHT NOW- (kinda)
[A slightly LONG length post where I talk about my biggest resource and my number one tactic for sounding like you know your shit in an hour or less. Plus a list of educational Youtubers]
In High School, I mastered an art. The Art of 'Skyrim Speech 100'. The way to sound like you know what you're talking about, and form a pretty solid foundation of information in one sitting.
I am DEADASS CONVINCED that I have it boiled down to a very specific scientific formula. I got this I okay. I gotchu I swear I'm bout to have you like this im so deadass -
Tumblr media Tumblr media
For me personally, the best resource is YouTube. One Website - Three Videos. And you're GOOD.
I have ADHD so - huge attention issues, so videos are a go to for me.
But I also really appreciate seeing the person explaining things to me. Finding good websites can be HARD, especially nowadays where a lot of websites might not even be written by humans, just clobbered together by AI.
For me, YouTube lets me see the person behind the channel, and it's a lot easier for me to vet the information if it's coming from one person who is open about their identity/certifications.
If their whole channel is dedicated to one thing, you can usually tell when they're very dedicated/educated on a topic, and I feel a lot more comfortable listening to them. Rather than reading random websites with writers I don't know/can't see.
Longform Youtube can be SO GOOD.
I'm gonna list some at the bottom - but you can find channels on everything. From architecture, to historical dress, to subway systems, entire cultures, etc.
In recent years Youtube has made a big push for longform content - so I recommend checking out videos that are 15 minutes OR MORE.
Not only is that enough time to go in depth, but because it's a video - the information is fed to you in a linear fashion. It's a lot more conversational and visual than reading a website.
If you hear something and need to remember, you can always go back. It can be hard to go back to a webpage and find the exact line, but videos are a bit easier.
Tips:
Try for find Youtubers that focus on ONE topic - or creators who go in depth about a wide array of interesting things (like Tom Scott or Anthony Padilla). Look for Doctors and Professors - A lot of educational professionals have youtube channels now. And they'll usually be upfront about it, searching things like 'History Professor explains X' or 'Doctor explains Y'. TEDTalks are good for this too. Look for people who are, or have the thing you're representing - If you're writing for a disability, it's always good to watch a video about the day in the life of someone with it - mental illnesses too. And there are a lot of great youtubers that easily break down things like cultural practices - or the issues they face because of their identity. Look for news channels. Watch current events. Vice, BBC, Channel 4, and have a lot of good current news, and they're posting videos every day. These videos show real life conditions while explaining it all, and they're really helpful for knowing about current political/cultural topics. DOCUMENTARIES!!!! - There is a documentary on anything. You can quote them in academics, and unlike movies, people post them on YouTube ALL the time, and people make them all the time. If you need to know about something, DOCUMENTARY.
I love using videos for everything, and below is how I use them:
I have a method that usually helps me sound like I'm super knowledgeable - By casting a very wide and very specific net over any topic. By narrowing any topic down to three parts, you can learn about 40% of a topic, but sound like you know 80%.
How to Teach Yourself Any Topic (in an hour and some change)
Three step method.
Watch three longform videos (15+ mins) about the topic. Each video about something slightly different.
The first video is about The History. This teaches us about the background of the topic. The second video is about The Expert Opinion. This teaches us about the reality of the topic. The third video is about a Random Topic inside of the main topic. This is to make us sound smart (in school)/add details or inspiration (while making characters).
Watch a fifteen minute video about each of these things, and in less than an hour, you'll have a pretty solid foundation of what it is, where it came from, and random (but surprisingly useful) details.
And when I say random I MEAN RANDOM. Can be anything - the niche, the better.
I'll give an example below with real search results and videos.
[I also give tips on how to search by topic (culture, religion, time period, etc) - as well as a list of educational BUT FUN Youtubers]
Example: I wanna make a Victorian Era Spider-woman.
The History Video - I watch a video about the general era, or what it was like being a woman in that time. I searched: Women in Victorian Era I found a real video titled: The Daily Life of a Victorian Lady
The Expert Opinion - I wanted to design her outfit accurately, so I looked for a Dress Historian's opinion on 1880's outfits I searched: Victorian Era Fashion I found a real channel: Bernadetta Banner (a channel all about recreating historical dresses - by a Broadway costume designer.)
The Random Topic - I don't know much about the Victorian Era..but I know theres two topics people always relate to the era - Sherlock Holmes and Jack the Ripper. I chose Sherlock. Sooooo, I watched a video about whether BBC sherlock was better than Downy Sherlock. Why? Because in 15 minutes it tells me about the show, the movie, AND the book - ALSO while teaching about the time period. I searched: BBC Sherlock vs Book I found a real video titled: Sherlock vs Sherlock - Which Iteration is Superior.
So after three 15-20 minute videos I know the history, the facts, and some random niche details of a topic.
Do I know everything about it? Not at all! But doing that, usually you can probably get through a conversation without freaking out too much.
By doing all that - I now know enough about the Victorian Era. From those videos I can accurately write an average Victorian woman, design her outfit accurate to the era, and also infuse some Victorian literature influence into her story.
All in an hour.
It works for other people character's too. Watching a video on the 70's, a video on the Punk Movement, and then a video of lets say a video about the band Ramones
Methods:
Some ideas for different topics:
If you want to show a character from a different time period -
If you're trying to write a character like Hobie, first watch a video about the history of the period - to understand when they were living. Then watch a video on their style/subculture - like the Punk movement. Then pick a specific band/media from the era and watch a video on it.
Sidebar: This is actually how I made Diane! I have little to no idea about the 70's outside of Punk. So searched up the history of 70's Disco, a video by Glamour about 1970's fashion, and I only knew one or two Disco singers (Donna Summer & Diana Ross) - so I chose Diana Ross. Diana is the direct inspiration for Diane's name and big hair. I never reference Diana, but it helps Diane fit the Disco theme, by emulating one of THE disco queens.
If you want to show a character from a different country -
Like India for example, a good place to start is watching a video about the history of India, then watching a vlog from someone in India (in the area you're thinking of), then watch a video about Indian fashion, or indian street food, or indian family traditions - so you can sprinkle those details into the story or conversation. Then you can build from there. Big tip: If they're from the city watch a video about the city's transit/subway system if they have one. It's a VERY fast way to learn the city, and make it sound like they actually live there, even if you're just name dropping stations and town squares.
If you want to show a character with a mental illness, disability or condition -
Start off by searching the background of the condition. Have a doctor break down what it is, how it effects the body, the mind, or both. Then watch a video of an average person with the condition, and their experience day to day. Then try and find a specific advocate, celebrity, or influence who goes into depth about it and how they empower themselves.
If you want to show someone from a different religion -
Watch a video about the beliefs of the religion, then the history of the religion, then a video of someone who practices the religion.
ETC-
Now disclaimer, this won't make you actually know everything about the topic - but at the very least, you'll probably be using the terms and words right. And you might be able to think up your own thought from there.
I used this ALL THROUGH High School.
If I know next class is about Marie Antoinette - yeah sure lemme go run and learn about her life history, her fashion taste, and the architecture of the Palace of Versailles in an hour.
Now I can talk about her childhood, personality, and where she lived.
The Great Gatsby? Never read it and I never will. The movie? NEVER SEEN IT. I searched up the history/inspiration of the author, watched a video on the book's plot and symbolism, then watched a video on the book vs the movie.
From there I kinda understood what the book was about, why the author might have written it, the symbolic ho-ha, and the extra details as if I watched the movie too.
And from there I could formulate whether I think the symbolism matters to our modern day society and why the director changed small details from the book, and etc, etc.
It was enough for me to bullshit and say words and usually people are like 'yeah you seem to be making sense' lol
HELL throw in ANOTHER video about the lives of women in the 1920's and I could probably bullshit an argument on how the Great Gatsby reflects gender roles in the Flapper Era. Like gun to my head I could probably come up with something im so deadass
HEY IM NOT SAYING SLACK OFF IN SCHOOL OKAY - DO NOT THIS IS JUST MY TESTIMONIAL - USE THIS TO LEARN TOPICS NOT BOOKS ITS A GREAT TOOL
Also disclaimer: use this for good don't be walking around like you Know Know Shit cause someone might check you and then i cant help you this is just a way to understand the basis of topics and be able to form thoughts and hold conversations about them or use them in your art and writing.
Plus it's a great way to gather strong resources for your art and writing.
It's a lot easier to show characters in a natural accurate way when you've curated a very rounded understanding of the topic or era - not just in an educational historical sense.
For the purposes of character creation, essays, sounding like you know anything in conversations - this does help. And you do start absorbing stuff. It's just about breaking the topic down, and learning about it in blocks.
If you understand the history, you can understand the now, and if you understand the now, you can understand the nuance. Like that.
I hope this helped! And because tis customary here, take this photo of Hobart Brown and go forth
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And because I cannot send you off into the wild with no place to start here are some of my favorite youtubers that are actually FUN - here's a list.
Bye.
Youtube Channels
Bernadette Banner - Historical Clothing Expert specializing in Edwardian - Victorian
RMTransit - Videos about subway systems, buses, and public transit across the world. VERY quick way to realistically learn about a city
Anthony Padilla - Has lots of 'I Spent a Day With-' videos, where he sits down with people. Has videos ranging on things from Dipolar Disorder and ADHD to things like Asexuality and Ex-Mormons. Good for getting multiple honest experiences of people.
ReligionForBreakfast - Simple approachable videos about religions, their histories and beliefs. Made by a doctor of Religious Studies
Cognito - VERY good historical, cultural, and geographical videos, all cutely animated
Tasting History with Max Miller - Historically accurate cooking videos with really cool stories and histories to match
Vice News - Very good, very vetted Left-leaning news source. Vice and Vice News are two different things. Vice News is really good for current events videos on things like conflicts in countries.
Johnny Haris - slightly longer explainer videos about countries, geography, history, and weird quirks
Vox - Short detailed explainers about....anything really.
Weird History - .....It's history that's weird
Absolute History - Longer Documentaries about History, mainly the 1900's
CrowsEyeProductions - Really good Historical Fashion videos of 1400-2000's
Morgon Donner - ANOTHER Historical Fashion channel (they're really interesting yall) that focuses more on Medieval era
J.J McCullough - REALLY good videos about culture in general, as well as geography videos full of full interesting facts (did you know Nepal is the only country with a flag not four sided?) He also has some spicy takes on Canadian and Quebec politics that are interesting to me as an American but ????
Kati Moron - A therapist who makes videos about the experiences of mental illnesses and their treatment
Dr. Tracey Marks - A Doctor who makes short videos explaining the symptoms and experiences of neurodivergences and mental illnesses
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miiilowo · 1 year
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what's endogenic if you don't mind me asking? i have seen that as a dni in a lot of blogs and idk what it is
note: this does get sort of ranty as i explain, sorry about that. im not upset with You or anything im just upset about the subject in general
its a term that describes systems (e.g. DID or other similar things; when theres a bunch of personalities living in the same brain) that formed without trauma being the inciting factor in them being plural. Typically, systems are formed because some traumatic incident occurred (usually in early childhood) that caused their brain to sort of section itself off for protection. great, good, whatever. a lot of people dont like the idea that systems can exist without that trauma being there. and while i can see where these people are coming from, its generally an assholeish move to deny the existence of a large swathe of people & invalidate their experiences on the basis of them not fitting their idea of what they should be.
im not a system myself, but i am friends with a few & am dating a member of a system, (both traumagenic & endogenic) and i can confidently say that people who are anti-endogenic are kind of stuck in the same mindset that transmeds/truscums are. the idea that you have to meet THIS SPECIFIC LIST OF REQUIREMENTS for your experience to be valid is dumb as hell and i simply do not agree with it. ive known endogenic systems who were presented this diagnosis by mental health professionals, which kind of proves in of itself that 1. this can happen. not every system has to be formed through trauma. sometimes people are just like that 2. to assume we know everything about the human brain and how it works is absolutely ridiculous 3. clearly, not every non-traumagenic system is faking it. which leads into my next point
a lot of people who are anti-endo think that all endogenic systems are faking it for attention (which is, of course, not true). im sure there are some people who do fake being a system, but imo, its 10000000000x worse to be an ass to a bunch of people on the basis that some of them might be faking it.
i would rather be kind to 99 people faking a disability or illness, than deny any sort of courtesy or help to the one person in that group of 100 who is genuinely disabled. and being a dick to endogenic systems falls under that most of the time. like, its kind of hard to miss when youve got a whole bunch of people milling around with you in your head, you know? and its a lot harder to keep up that act in a convincing manner
even those who are "faking it" aren't harming anyone, at least, not on the scale that anti-endos seem to claim that they do. theres subreddits dedicated to bullying these people just sharing their experiences and it is deeply fucked up. hope this helps genuinely. sorry for ranting this just genuinely bothers me as someone who is close to so many systems
edit: (pasted from replies)
im turning off reblogs because i cannot handle any kind of discourse To Be Frank and this is gaining more notes than i'd like it to + some of the stuff said here was slightly wrong, though the overall point is not
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