#im applying for the spring/summer semester for next year

[handsomegentlebutch]

GOOOOOOOD MORNING DYKES!!

I have an interview today, I look fine as hell, and I started my grad school application today. Feeling good, feeling GREAT!

[orcelito]

Actually it was surreal as hell to look at my transcript today. I've got all but 3 classes done or in WIP. I'd have to Severely fuck up to fail any of my classes this semester, by this point. Which I don't think will happen. Honestly I might even get straight A's for the first time in college. Which would be cool!!!

So just three classes left. Just three. It's so wild. I'm pretty excited.

[maiteo]

[quiltedlovers]

hm

[stormyrainyday]

anyway hashtag med school chronicles

8/30/24

on summer break!! but still got an assload of work to do because the grind never stops

hoping today to finish the slideshow im making in the next 2 hours if i lock in, and because of the weather I'll probably be stranded at home regardless (I hope, I don't want to face my supervisor and tell her I haven't written shit bc I'm ridiculously burned out from the last semester)

when the semester begins again, I have to go all out on my neurology revision. finals aren't until the last weeks of January, but i'm basically learning from scratch because nothing stuck. maybe i'll treat it like step review so I find it a little more engaging.

definitely think i bit off more than i can chew this year between research, internships, and just underestimating the volume of my classwork and tiredness from rotations but it's fine. this is my last year of theory. i'll get through it. and research is fun but also a necessary evil. no residency will take me without it, and i want to leave this country as soon as i can. even right now, i'm set to start applying in spring of 2027, meaning no word of matching until 2028.

worst comes to worst i find a research internship to do in the interim but man. this process is exhausting and the early years really aren't that rewarding.

[wlwhq]

hey babies! i am home from my trip! this weekend was awesomely wild - ran a 5k (my first one!!!), ate some delicious snacks, rode some amazing rides, and made some cool memories! not sure when i will get to go back when i normally visit dland two or three times a year, so this was a great way to round out my fav vacation and start 2024 off right.

under the cut are some changes to my activity and how i plan on operating this blog ooc. nothing crazy! but i wanted to keep you all in the loop. i should really make a rules page, maybe i will do that, but in the meantime, ill link this post to my pinned and then you can read it whenever. love u babes

starting with my next adventure in life - i am going back to school starting this week, taking four hugely important classes so i can apply to a rad tech program this summer. basically, if you thought i was slow before (which I am), i am about to get even slower and most likely be dropping things that sit for too long. i am also going to suspend discord writing/rping for the time being, as i already have little to no motivation to get logged onto there when my tumblr drafts get as high as they do.

i am going to be making a point of prioritizing the tumblr replies that (in no particular order) 1) come from people i have befriended and spoken to/plotted with ooc, 2) have been longstanding and either are about to be wrapped up or have a feasible end point, 3) have just been started for me or were plotted/started while i was away (whether things are kept up once the vibe is felt up will be figured out as i go), and 4) i am personally excited about replying to.

im telling ya, it’s going to be a rough semester and i am anticipating my activity going from slow to possibly nonexistent at times. #4 on that list above is most important to me, as this is a hobby and i want to come here as a definite stress reliever & not let it add to my stress. the easiest way to make me feel #4 about our threads or ships or interactions, whatever you wanna call them, is by doing #1. cannot promise fast ooc responses either, but they will definitely be faster than replies. this is not me becoming a “private” multimuse, just a gentle encouragement that if you want “quicker” replies from me from here on out, id prefer that we talk ooc and become friendly if we aren’t already - if you want your replies to not sit as long!

i am sooososos sorry to spring long paragraphs on you time and time again, but i am trying to not disappoint anyone, hurt any feelings, or deter anyone who wants to write with me. in order for me to keep my sanity for the next few months, changing the way that i run this blog is essential. i understand if you want to either drop threads, unfollow, or break the mutual if you’re reading this and are not thrilled about it. i want you to make your dash what you want to make it, the same way i have done with mine! please feel free to message me if you're wanting to be one of those "primary" blogs that i devote my energy to replying to. chances are if you think you are one of them, you are, but still.

tldr; i love you all to the moon and back and this isn't goodbye!!! i shall still be around, just devoting my energy to the things that i have the most muse for because they are plotted out/fangirled about/loved down ooc as well as ic. <3

[silouvertongues]

.

[candlewitches]

o shit just realized im in 3rd year so i can apply for that horse breeding/ranching internship !!! hell yea !!

[lawyerd]

hi kit! i have a question about taking time off before law school. im a senior rn and im graduating from my undergrad next spring (May 2021). i plan to take a year off before going to law school, but i guess im confused about how to plan out when i should be studying for the LSAT (haven’t touched anything). i don’t want to studying during my last semester bc i want to focus on my grades, and when i start working i feel like it will be a lot to study to do super well by the September and October exams in order to apply to schools by the November cycle in order to be admitted for the fall 2022 class. due to this, do you recommend that i just take a whole year while working to dedicate myself to studying and take the LSAT... say... spring or summer time? and then apply with ease come October and November so I’m not doing too much at once for a fall 2023 enrollment? the latter makes so much sense, but it also seems like so much time then I’d like out of school. but let me know your thoughts! thank you so much for taking the time to read this and stay well!

Hey I’m so sorry it’s taken me like three weeks to see this!! I never get ask notifications on mobile for some reason so I end up missing a lot!! 

I agree with just focusing on a school in the last semester - I took the LSAT for the first time while I was still in school and I simply didn’t spend enough time on it because I was also trying to finish up my capstone projects and the like. I didn’t take it that seriously, I’ve always been a good test taker so I glanced over books and thought that would be fine and I scored just way lower than I personally knew I could. So, I ended up having to take it again after I graduated anyway.

I definitely think that it’s a personal preference, so a lot of this is something you’ll have to ~decide for yourself what you’re comfortable with~ but I know that I took two years off after college when I only intended to take one for the reason you said. I basically just wasn’t ready to start studying for the LSAT again in time to make that application cycle that year. I was burned out and tired and in the middle of a life transition into work and moving into a new city and the timing just wasn’t right for me to take the fall tests. 

So, that being said, I don’t think waiting two years is too long at all. It felt long at the time, but I’ve graduated now at age 27 and I still feel like the youngest person in any office environment by several years lol. If that’s what you think you want to do to really ace this test, then I say go for it. I also would recommend taking the spring test if you can on the off chance you’re not happy with your score (which hey I hope that doesn’t happen but you never know!!), you can squeeze a second fall test in there before you apply.

[theluckyestclover7]

VENT cuz i literally can’t talk to my friends or anyone cuz im alone and want to write about my life, this gets deep and sad

its about my current situation but i just end up talking about my high school days

lol guess who’s college semester is cancelled??? ( ͡☉ ͜ʖ ͡☉)

i have no sleep schedule and end up getting up at noon. 

the only good thing i’ve doing is eating oranges but i think my body is making me crave them so i don’t get scurvy _(:3」∠)_

whatever at least i don’t have to do the group project/ presentation my teacher wanted to do.

im so glad everything for my transfer paperwork is already done. i can’t even begin the express how relived i am that the college wanted me to start in the fall, i can’t imagine what would’ve happened to me if i had gone there in the spring like a applied for.

im so tired all the time and trying to fill my time talking on discords and working on art, pretty much anything to fill my time with constructive stuff. trying to not shut down and become depressed like in high school cuz i still have online classes to finish in a few days.

have y’all seen steven universe future? i can’t believe its ending i swear it feels like just yesterday i was 13 watching the premier (lol when people actually watched tv) it the only constant i’ve have for so long, i literally grew up with it.

animation and fanfiction keep me going like nothing else, other people have doctor appointments on their calender's but the only stuff i have are cartoon premier dates. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

the only thing i have to look forward to are the new episodes of stuff like steven universe, the owl house, and duck tales but im super excited to watch new shows like midnight gospel and solar opposites.

i keep think i just have to be to summer, all of this will be over, you can see your friends and partner. you can pack everything up and live somewhere else for the first time, sure i’ve left my home but only for 2 weeks at most and im so ready to live on my own. maybe make some friends, the life long kind that return my calls and texts instead of ignoring me till i stop trying.

ever since i was little i’ve never had long lasting friends they either moved away or lived somewhere i would have to drive to which as a kid couldn't. no one lasted more than 3 years.

i think i’ve spent more time in my life alone than with people, walking alone to the liberty after school because there was nothing to do at home.

i know deep down im a different person but i can’t help but keep grudges especially against the people around me that made situations worse. like my freshmen year where every class was full of people i hated because they treated me like shit or just ignored. how depressed i got and even after therapy and medication that my family and teachers knew about they still said stuff like, “you’re soooo smart, you can do better”, “why aren’t you trying?”, and “i expect more from you”

i still remember the warm summer nights i spent listening to the few songs i had downloaded cuz my mom turned off the internet off because she expected my grades to go up with in a day. she would call my teachers everyday to micromanage my life. i have a better relationship with her now but even after therapy and medication she got for me she expected everything to get better instantly. 

i slept through all my classes, a obvious sign of depression. i was so depressed, it was like everyone around me saw laziness instead of sadness and i shut down until the year was over

i’ll never forget summer school after i failed freshmen year, i actually learned because the teachers they had cared and how my only friends over protective parents started to like me and i got to spend so much with her.

around a year later i started this blog, and it became a place a could post my art and my art got better everyday. i could never imagine the following i have today, most of the art from the beginning still only has 2 to 7 likes and even that meant so much to me.

by then my abusive sister left for college and i finally got happier, i got a fresh start and did better in class and looked forward to going home to an empty house that i could do anything in.

the next year i met the love of my life, it was literally instant and we gravitated to each other. Ha they thought i was straight till i came ito class with a pride t shirt, that year was amazing.

and then the next year fell apart, my partner had a falling out with their best friend. then that friend predeceased to treat me like shit, i got put by myself by the new teacher and i was alone again.

but i got through it and now i’m here and i’ll never have to see any of those shitty people ever again.

it 12:38am

i don’t think i’ll ever get over the way i was treated by my family, teachers, class mates.... past “friends”.

i have cartoons and thats enough or my right now.

[dynamic-instability]

In one of my classes we have to write weekly personal narratives about an experience with illness. This week, mine turned into this. It’s probably too personal, and too... immediate?? to turn in to a professor without cutting out a lot of stuff, but not too personal to post online I guess lol

_____________________________

It’s November again.

In 2009 the lights were too bright. Mid-October one morning I woke up to my dad turning on my lights and it was like having to look into the sun while posing for a photo—my eyes wouldn’t stay open, if I forced them to, they couldn’t stay pointed in one direction, they spasmed and hurt. When the light was dimmed, I still saw double. That morning, I showered in the dark, and I remember being scared. They gave me eyedrops that paralyzed my accommodative muscles. In November my pupils were giant discs and I wore reading glasses over sunglasses to look at the computer, and when it was all said and done, the lights were still too bright, and I still saw double.

In 2011 I was tired. There’s fatigue and then there’s fatigue, I learned that Fall. In May of that year I had pulled two all-nighters in a week, and that was the only other time I’d felt this kind of tired, a sensation in about the 30th hour of the second time where it’s like my brain itched. I once saw someone else online describe it as “nausea, but in your head and eyes instead of in your throat and stomach” and that’s the closest anyone else has come to describing it. By November this was happening more and more often. I remember laying down in the corner of the room during a break of Citywide choir and thinking what the hell is wrong with me? I got a cold the next week, and I thought that maybe that was all it was. It wasn’t.

In 2013 I went to the ER for the fifth time in three months of college, and when I wanted to leave before waiting another couple of hours to eventually see a doctor who would tell me once again that they couldn’t do anything to help me, the woman from student life who was there to drive me back to campus made me call my parents on speaker phone and get their permission to leave before she would turn on the car. I had missed more chemistry labs than I could afford to miss without failing, passed out in a voice lesson, was asked by the director to drop out of choir because watching me was distraction when I looked like I was in pain, and if I passed out it would have ruined the concert for everyone. I remember leaving calculus in the mornings mid-class to go to the bathroom and lay on the floor and cry. I remember not being able to lift my hand off the mattress of my dorm room bed. I withdrew from half of my classes on the Tuesday after Thanksgiving, and took the Spring semester off.

In 2014 I had made a promise to myself that I would come back to college full time for that Fall semester just to see if I could do it, and then if I couldn’t I would drop out for good. There was one week where I thought that might be happening. Mid-November. The girls in my dorm had made a fort in the lounge out of sheets and blankets and colorful scarves and I remember laying on the couch through the green-filtered light and feeling the world spin and thinking oh god I still can’t do this. The door opened with a rush of cold air and my friends came in with food for me, since I’d been too sick to go to dinner. They sat with me and helped me with chemistry, offered to type up a paper if I dictated it, told jokes and made me laugh. I took an incomplete in one class, but I passed everything else, just barely scraped through, and came back in January.

In 2015 I just wanted to sleep. I passed out in an elevator and heard familiar voices, concerned voices, as I came to, and I stayed there laying motionless for another minute longer, because as long as I wasn’t awake I didn’t have to keep pushing. I wrote whole pages of completely unreadable ochem notes because my hand wasn’t working any better than my brain, and woke up on the floor and was wheeled out on a stretcher crying. It was dark all the time. My cane slipped on wet leaves and I felt my wrist crunch and there it was, one too many missed organic chemistry labs. I couldn’t stand for an entire choir rehearsal because breathing to sing made me lightheaded. I slept for 16 hours a day. The week before Thanksgiving, I called my mother to tell her I had decided to take another hardship withdrawal, and she sighed. I had applied to transfer schools during my much more optimistic Spring semester and Summer, and the week I left was also the week I found out I’d been accepted.

And so okay now it’s 2019, and it’s October and now November again, semester plan again, dark again. My reading is piling up again, feeling overwhelmed again, laying on my kitchen floor again. But here’s the thing—my health is… fine? Midterm week I didn’t sleep, and yes I passed out twice, but no ER. For the past 18 months, I can count on one hand the number of mornings I’ve been unable to get out of bed because of fatigue. My heart still pounds too hard but my head doesn’t swim every time I sit up. I walk the streets of New York City like mobility has never been a problem. I always take the stairs. My brain doesn’t itch until it’s been 30 hours no sleep.

I couldn’t go to class last week. I lay on the floor of my kitchen and stared up at the ceiling and tried to get up, tried to type out an email to my professors, and I couldn’t do it. I was not too tired. I was not too weak. I was not in pain. I could not move. I try to write and try to write and try to write and the words don’t come. I eat instant oatmeal at 9 PM because I haven’t been to the store in a month. I have lost nearly 15 pounds since moving to New York. I clean the stove for two and a half hours but can’t bring myself to take the dead spider off the side of the bathtub. I check the door lock one-two-three times, pace the floor, sit back down. I do not read Austerlitz. I write a Canvas post for Self and Other but it’s nonsense. I do not write a Canvas post for Accounts of Self. I do not write a Canvas post for Applied Writing. I write a Canvas post for Illness and Disability and somehow forget to post it, the one thing I’ve actually done, because I’m too busy feeling sick at everything I haven’t. I shadow a doctor for the clinical witnessing assignment and everything is fine but when I try to write it up I have a panic attack that leaves me sobbing on my couch and the assignment nine days late and counting. It takes me eight hours to write two pages. I watch 18 hours of YouTube video essays discussing drama about creators I don’t even watch and play a stupid game on my phone for an entire weekend until I’ve spent $25+ in a labyrinth of microtransations and every time I close my eyes I see the moving dots.

In November of 2015 I had three overdue essays for Global Literature, and two more due in the next two weeks. More than half were on books I had not read. My pre-lab wasn’t done for organic chemistry, and I wondered for a moment, if I pretended to pass out, if that would be easier. I stayed up until 4 AM laying on my floor and listening to Hamilton. I was sick, that much is true, but when I felt okay I still sat at my computer and could not bring myself to write.

In 2011 I had so many unfinished assignments for my college-level English class that I resigned myself to failing and I went to school the morning of the final class, but I hid in the stairwell by the choir room until I heard the bell, and I never went back to that class.

2009 was the year my dad stopped being able to yell at me for not doing my homework, because no one, including me, could tell whether it was actually my eyes stopping me.

In 2008 I wrote 6 essays in the 5 days of Thanksgiving break because I had not done any work for Intro to Lit all semester. I pulled it off, somehow, even aced the class because of an unusually lenient late work policy, but what I most remember is the sick feeling of dread as I lay on the floor in the living room staring up at the Christmas tree and feeling invisible sand slip through an invisible hourglass and a vice tightening in my chest.

In 2006 I stayed up almost all night writing a paper and crying my eyes out because I couldn’t find the words to explain to anyone why it had been so impossible for me to get the work done, that I wasn’t being lazy or distracted, I just couldn’t do it. I wasn’t necessarily reading YA novels or watching TV or IMing my friends instead of working, I could sit and stare at a blank word document for 6 hours straight and still it would not get done. Everyone talked about potential, talked about how smart I was, but a gradebook that is half 100’s and half 0’s still averages out to an F. No one, including me, could explain the discrepancy. The logic of that simple math was not lost on me, the knowledge that turning in half-finished or not very good work was mathematically better than not doing it, but that didn’t mean I could do it. Words failed me when I tried to explain the illogic of my particular suffering.

I didn’t hear the term executive dysfunction until I was in my 20s. In retrospect I was tentatively told at 16 that I had “probably some ADHD and OCD”, but that psychiatrist was someone I’d been sent to by a neurologist because he thought she could fix my eyes, and when she said she couldn’t, I stopped making appointments. After I got sick, physically sick, the lines blurred between what was causing what, to the point where even I have no idea. Two of the Novembers missing here are ones I spent at CC, on the block plan where I only took one class at a time. My physical health arguably improved a little after transferring in January of 2016, but mostly it didn’t, not until Spring of 2018 at least. And you can see that evidence in dropped blocks, concussions from passing out onto hard surfaces, a couple of incompletes taken when viral illnesses (or concussions) compounded my other problems. What the block plan changed was the way things pile up, lessened the struggle of constant task switching between classes. (Admittedly, I also had fewer papers when taking mostly science classes. Writing takes much more energy, and it’s much harder to convince myself it doesn’t have to be perfect to be worth submitting.) At CC nothing ever really reached the level of catastrophe. Some of that is purely the ability to drop a single block, meaning when it was my physical health that was the problem, I didn’t lose a whole semester, just one class, then reset. But I should have realized sooner that the block plan wouldn’t account for the level of improvement if my physical health had really been the only barrier.

So we’re back to now. Grad school. November again. Dark again. Semester plan again. Too much writing again. Crushing dread again. Dysfunction again. Panic attack in the middle of the night increasingly elaborate organizing rituals scream of the subway tracks in my mind can’t stop can’t start can’t breathe can’t move burnout again. This time without the explanation of chronic fatigue to fall back on.

I have my tricks, have actually learned somewhat to cope in the past 18 years. Schedules help, break tasks into pieces that are as small as possible. Mindfulness meditation. Forgive yourself when it’s not perfect. Get started with something easy, set a timer for 20 minutes and only work for those 20 minutes and then let yourself stop if you want to (and surprisingly often, you won’t want to, sometimes that momentum is all it takes). If you work better in the night, work in the night, who cares what society says your sleep schedule should be. When switching tasks, physically get up and move to a different location. Allow yourself to procrastinate on work with other work if that’s what you have to do. Delete the stupid games from your phone. One or two missed assignments are not actually the end of the world, if you let yourself view it as piling up, you won’t be able to get anything done, so if you absolutely have to, just move through and move on.

It’s not a catastrophe, this November. It’s a fight, but it’s not a catastrophe. I read Austerlitz and forgive myself for skimming it. I write a Canvas post and forgive myself when it’s only 500 words and doesn’t make complete sense. I read Toni Morrison and Édouard Louis and classmates’ discussion posts about Deaf culture and identity and remember why this matters in the first place, that it’s not just a series of assignments to overwhelm me, it’s a series of interesting complicated exhausting important thoughts and questions. I get it done. Some of it. Most of it. I let myself sleep. I breathe. I remember to be grateful because I can get out of bed in the mornings and take the stairs. I am okay.

[clowngremlin]

like every year i have been alive past the age of 20 is like im going in blind, like idk what im doing because i never expected to still be here??? like in high school when u have to like do the grad transitions shit and all that jazz, i half assed it all because i didnt think i’d need it because i literally was planning on killing myself by the end of the year and that was in 2015, so every year that i’ve been alive after that is kind of like “what now?” like i decided to go to art school when i was in high school because it was like well i like art but it doesnt matter because im not gonna be around but i guess i need something to do in case i dont end up dying, and so i went to art school but i dont like art school so this whole like weird crisis im having over school partly has to do with the fact that i never really thought about what i wanted to do when i was younger because i never really thought i’d be alive as an adult but now its like oh fuck i am, i gotta do something with my life!!! and so i really do think im gonna like drop out of art school after the spring semester is over because i dont enjoy it but i need to do something for the spring semester because it’s too late to get into anywhere else, and maybe i’ll take the summer off and work and then go to school in the fall for youth work and like who knows where i’ll go, there’s a few different schools im gonna apply to and where i end up going depends on where i get in and like what happens in the next few months with my dad and our living situation and some other factors......

[glitterglockz]

hey babes it’s ri here. welcome to my blog! i been wanting to start a blog for a min now, actually wrote a few articles for it but we entering the third year of this pandemic so why the fuck not publish it now? so my shit is basically gonna be about my journey, manifestations, inspirations and advice/rants. i love makeup, trying to get into fashion and photography, weed and other shit. im always trying something new and rn im taking bartending classes. ig u can say my goal in life rn is to be a bad bitch bartender that can still body school and a part time job. i love wigs and hair stuff so i just imagine myself w a laid wig, fly ass outfit serving drinks and flirting w costumers that tip well, so i make a BAGG every shift. imma be PAID in 2022 it’s gonna be too easy. i just gotta complete the course and memorize the drinks. just gotta become more confident (another goal for this year). i always want to start doing my own hair and nails and just being able to do myself up. im doing fulani braids on Sunday. i cant believe my last semester of college is next week :( a lil bit scared but excited nonetheless. ik imma body spring semester all As (111, angel numbers). i lowkey wanted to take classes in the spring but my mom not paying for that shit 😭. but w bar tending i can prob afford it. so im pre med and want to become a psychiatrist bc i like drugs, psych and talking about problems and finding solutions for ppl. i want to do an MD/PhD program but i gotta get my grades up hence the desire to take summer classes. imma pray on it frfr: all As for spring semester, being able to take summer classes, bad bitch bartender making a BAGGG, laid hair and nails, fly ass bad gal, good weed & good sex, fun and friends, makeup gyal, getting accepted into the research program i applied for 😍😍😍. but anyway med school is gonna be hectic, i still have to shadow, get more clinical hours, take the MCAT. the stress i got this tho ! i imagine so much for myself it’s crazy. yeah so expect to read tales of my life and dreams, makeup tips, fashion shit, money talks, manifestation dumps and just bad gal shit! 😛❤️🥰

[mkm49]

2017

My 2017 was a long year. One filled with changes, hard work, tears, and many lessons learned. To set up this story, I have to go back to 2014, my first year at college.

I came into VCU as a freshman wide-eyed to try to get one of 60 spots in their Nursing Program. My journey to VCU was an easy one, considering my dad had gone here for undergrad before he pursued Medical school at MCV. Wishing to follow in his footsteps of pursuing a medical career, I saw that dream within reach when I received this email :

I was beyond excited. Not only did I get accepted into their program after applying once, this meant that within 4 years of college, I would graduate with my RN BSN!!! I became overwhelmed with excitement, to think I would have that title at the age of 22.

I started the nursing program my second year of college, fall 2015. I met the other 59 students I would be spending the next 3 years with, and found some of my closest friends during this time.

After my first semester of nursing, I was certified to work as a CNA. Once I learned I could, I eagerly applied for jobs. I got asked for an interview and offered a job in MCV’s Transplant unit and Cardiothoracic Surgery unit. I chose to take the Cardiothoracic unit’s offer, excited to begin working in the medical field.

Going into my junior year, classes got more difficult, more specialized, and I took the dreaded Pathophysiology and Pharmacology (Which i passed both parts!!). I loved it, every aspect of it. Taking classes with others as passionate, as driven, as eager as I was to start our careers.

My second semester of Junior year was not one of my best semesters. I began trying to take on more than I could handle. I was (and still am) an active student leader for an organization called Christian Student Fellowship at VCU, along with trying to juggle relationships, and personal life mishaps with nursing school can be extremely overwhelming.

As my semester continued, I came to a realization regarding an assignment for one of my courses. In my Nursing of Women’s course, we had a group of assignments called HESI case studies. These were online patient case-scenarios with practice questions following the case. All of which allowed multiple attempts, and answers and questions easily available online for review. We had many of these assigned in several of our other nursing courses. For many of our other courses, at the beginning of the semester you were assigned an allotted amount of HESI case studies to do or topic case studies to complete, and were typically told to complete these on our own time, but before the final exam. For my women’s class, I had thought it was under the same direction. I was wrong. Our professor had assigned dates for certain case studies to be due via our syllabus. And had missed them.

I quickly did the math, and realized that without credit for those assignments (which were worth 5% of my grade for the course), I would not obtain a passing grade of 79.5% in the course. I met with my professor, hoping to receive any partial credit toward this late homework assignment that I completed. The sum of our conversation resulted in her hands being tied due to the due dates being stated in our syllabus. My heart was broken, I was devastated at the idea that these homework assignments would cause me to fail a course.. I tried to study as much as I could for the final exam, and hoped that would be enough to account for something. I got a 96% on the final, but unfortunately that still wasn’t enough. I was sitting at exactly an 83.2% after the final exam, and when she added those 0′s, it dropped to a 78.2%. I was so close to passing, but not quite.

After i realized I was not going to pass my course, I reached out to my nursing advisor to set up an appointment to discuss what would happen as a result. When I went in, I was reminded of a course I took a year back.

Spring 2016 I took a course called microbiology. For some reason VCU only has one professor for micro, and he is HARD. Since I was in the nursing program while I was taking micro, when I didn’t pass, that counted as my first strike, out of two, for not passing courses. Even though this wasn’t a nursing course, it counted against me due to me being in the program when I took the class. So moving forward to Spring 2017, when I got the word that I had not passed women’s, I realized that’s two strikes:

im out.

Thankfully, I was told about their readmission process. I would have to change my major, take 9 credits, get a student academic evaluation, write a personal statement regarding dismissal and a plan for success if readmitted, and a reference from a professor I was taking from my semester out of the nursing major. It was also emphasized that I would have to get all A’s if I wanted a good chance to be readmitted.

So with that, I walked out of the nursing building into an anxiety-filled summer.

I have never dealt with anxiety before, until this moment. There would be nights I would lay in bed, kicking myself on how I should have read the syllabus more carefully, should have studied harder, should have done the case studies sooner.

Nights I would lay there and just have all of these thoughts rushing through my head, unable to sleep, hours on end. I wasn’t giving up by any means, but I was beyond disappointed and exhausted.

My dad called me one day during the summer, and told me he had a package coming for me in the mail. I went to the stoop of the condominium building I live in, and opened an amazon package containing a book titled,

Anxious for Nothing by Max Lucado

This book, that I am still reading, has been such a blessing throughout dealing with everything I had been facing. Anxiety is not something I have really ever dealt with to this degree, and this book provided a lot of relief when I felt overwhelmed.

Some of my favorite quotes include:

“Anxiety and fear are cousins but not twins. Fear sees a threat. Anxiety imagines one”

“Anxiety is not a sin; it is an emotion. Don’t be anxious about your anxiousness”

“Your anxiety decreases as your understanding of your father increases”

The best I could do, was trust in God. All I have to say, is without God I wouldn’t have been able to move forward as quickly as I did. I couldn’t do it without my faith.

During this time, I tried to do my best to lean on God and the support system that surrounded me as I continued into the readmission process.

Going into the semester in which I had to change my major was hard. Taking classes of a major I wasn’t familiar with, much less wanting to be in was hard to accept. All I wanted was to be back in nursing.

With that, I worked hard. I put forth the effort to obtain all A’s, something I’ve never done. I always, have had a semester with AT LEAST 1 B (damn you BIO 101 with Carr), but never straight A’s. So with that as my goal, I didn’t give up..

I got a reference from a professor who has history as a nurse, and went back to teaching. I received a promising student academic evaluation. I worked hard, and achieved my 4.0

I got denied my readmittance.. 

I was heart-broken. 2/3 done with a Baccalaureate program for nursing. I was going to be graduated this spring of 2018. Once dismissed, my vision to graduate became spring of 2019. Now denied re-admittance, I don’t know exactly when that date will be, but i’ll keep you posted haha ;)

But, one thing I do know, there will be a graduation date.

I could never give up on this. Nursing is more than a career, it’s a passion. One that will leave your life changed, in hopes that you’ve touched the life of another. I’ve never felt God so present in my life. I am more than sure that this is what God has planned for me, but just in different timing.

I am looking into other programs in the Richmond area to continue my education for Nursing. I’ll get there. I won’t ever give up.

I am a firm believer that God has a plan for me. One better than I could ever make for myself. I have to trust that. I can’t wait for the day that I am standing in my scrubs, RN badge on, and am able to look back and go, “ah, I see what you were doing there God. Thank you”. I look forward to that day.

I will be a nurse. One day. In his timing. And i will be better because of it.

Never give up on your dreams. Ever.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight” Proverbs 3:5-6

[yourkeeperoftherunners]

You Sound so Good on Radio (RapMon AU)

Plot: AU You’re a DJ at your university’s student-run radio club and were called in to do a sample show last minute for a tour group of potential students. You caught his attention and he knew that he couldn’t go anywhere else. Especially if it meant he could share the airwaves with you at some point.

Rating: PG-13 (Language, implied cheating)

Characters: University Student!Kim Namjoon/Rap Monster x female Reader, University Student/Radio Club President!Kris (EXO-M), University Student/Fellow DJ!Johnny (NCT-127), and mentions of Seokjin and Yoongi (BTS)

Notes: This is an AU setting – all characters, background content, and storyline are fictional! This was an idea I’ve had kicking around in my head inspired by the writer’s personal experience of working in student-run radio shows at school. (It sat on the back burner until I realized it would be a good fit for music lover and brainy student Kim Namjoon.) Y/S/N stands for “your screen name”, Y/E/N is “your ex’s name”, and Y/DJ/N is “your DJ name.”

Happy Birthday Namjoon!

“Can I ask you to do a last minute show?”

“Uhhh maybe,” you drawled as you pressed your phone to your ear, “when?”

He sucked in a sharp breath and forced a smile as he revealed that he needed you to get over to the student radio booth in 40 minutes. Your eyes widened and you changed direction.

“Damn you Kris,” you hissed as you dug around in your bag, briefly checking that you had the essentials. “You’re lucky my next class was canceled – what’s this all about?”

“Potential students tour,” Kris explained. “Sorry Y/N – they threw this on me last minute too. Admissions wanted to show off the student radio program and they wanted a show playing live when the tour came through. I sort of panicked and didn’t know who to ask.”

“You owe me,” you warned him as you made a beeline for the studio, unlocking the door with your ID card. “Are there any rules Admissions set?”

“No profanity because it’s a daytime show, don’t run over into the next scheduled show’s slot…” Kris trailed off, biting his lip. “Um maybe pick some happy tunes or something? I don’t know – just make it seem cool to join radio, okay?”

“I’ll try. Wonder why they care all of sudden,” you droned as you pulled out your laptop and began pulling songs into a playlist.

“How do you take your coffee?” he asked.

“Make it the largest size available and you’re a godsend,” you said before hanging up. You plugged in the cords from the dashboard and began adding in bumpers that would play in between every 3 songs to promote the studio radio station. Complaints aside, radio was a welcome escape for you whenever you wanted a break from the stress of college. Anyone could apply to have a radio program, as long as they showed up for their time slot, followed the radio airwave rules, and attended the radio meetings that took place every other week.

“You’re listening to a special broadcast of Nocturnal Beats, coming to you live and in stereo from the radio station,” you announced into the microphone. “You just heard music from Halsey, a beautiful cover of Adele’s “Hello” by Alice Olivia, and “Skool Luv” by BTS. Speaking of school love, why not show your support for our talented lacrosse team at this Saturday’s game? Game starts at 7 PM, tickets are $7 at the gate…” You tore a glance at the bulletin board nearby to make sure you were covering all of the announcements posted during your talking break. From the corner of your left eye, you spotted a large group of families coming into the building, led by a student tour guide. Satisfied that you covered everything posted, you wrapped up your talking segment as you teased the next few songs coming up in the hour.

“Over here is the student radio booth – all of the programs broadcast are put on by students for students,” the guide said as she gestured to the booth. “Parents and friends are welcome to download the app or live stream it from your computer or WI-fi enabled devices to listen in as well. We have programs running 7 days a week from 7 AM to midnight, ranging from music, talk shows, and we’ve even had a few radio dramas played during the airwaves.”

You avoided the crowd’s gaze as you slotted in a bumper that announced that they were tuned into the student radio site, before blending it out to the next song – a mellow R&B tune from BIGBANG called “Blue”. You pulled the headphones off and switched the mic to off before checking the volume controls and scrolling through the radio instant chat function to answer messages.

js_giraffe: U cheating on me for daytime?

You resisted the urge to roll your eyes as you typed back to Johnny, AKA your friend who hosted a late night rant/talk show on Wednesdays. Occasionally you put in a guest appearance if he needed someone to banter with on the topics of choice for the shows – most people found your dynamic with him hilarious, especially if he tried to switch accents while you called him out for being a loser.

Y/S/N: ha try Kris needed someone to show off for the tour groups.

js_giraffe: O.o The model DJ…

js_giraffe: I’m not worthy! I’m not worthy!

Y/S/N: STFU

Y/S/N: It’s a one-time deal – get over your damn self!

“Now if you follow me, I’ll show you the mailroom,” the tour guide announced as she gestured to a hallway. Most of the families began to follow her to the next room while one young man lingered behind, tilting his head as he watched you switch between answering Johnny’s IMs and queuing more music for the remaining 15 minutes. He glanced over his shoulder at the group and quickly made up his mind to walk over to the glass separating you from him, tapping lightly on it.

You jerked your head up from looking at your laptop screen and held up a finger as you got up, making your way over to the entrance to the booth.

“Hi, may I help you?” you asked as you stuck your head out.

“Oh um ye-yeah!” the young man said. “How is the radio program here? Do you like it?” he asked with a faint accent.

“It’s a lot of fun,” you said slowly with a smile. “I really like it – this is my second year doing it. I started last spring and I’ve been doing it ever since. You can focus on any topic/style of show you want for the most part.” You frowned when you noticed the tour group was long gone.

“Oh I think you um-”

“I’ll find them – no worries,” he replied. He asked you more questions about the studio equipment, scheduling, requirements, etc. before you realized you were at the final 2 minutes of your program.

“Hang on, I need to close out the hour,” you apologized before running back into the station. You slipped the headphones on and turned the mic on, fading out the last song that was playing. “Looks like it’s last call gang – thanks for tuning into this special edition. I’ll catch you at my usual slot Friday night from 10-11 PM. Until then.” You turned off the mic and carefully unplugged your laptop, turning on instrumentals recorded in the station’s dashboard’s memory to fill the void while you packed up. Once you secured your bag on your shoulder, you headed to the door and frowned when you saw the young man was gone.

“So are you crossing this school off your list Joonie?” Yoongi asked his friend over the phone. “I mean, it’s kind of far and you don’t know a lot of English –“

“Actually I think I’m going to apply,” Namjoon replied with a grin as he leaned against the wall. “Campus is nice, professors seem decent, and I like their student life.”

“Wae?! But you can’t leave meeeeeeee!!!” the other male whined. “You’ll be too far away!”

“I think you can survive without me,” Namjoon chuckled as he ran a hand through his hair. “Besides, we can always call or Skype. Plus I’ll be home for the holidays.”

“But you have to apply first,” Seokjin interrupted, taking the phone from Yoongi. “There’s no guarantee this school will take you. Make sure you have back-ups in case.”

Namjoon snorted as he changed his phone to his other ear. He reassured Seokjin that he’d apply to a few local schools back home, just to be safe before hanging up and heading back to the area where the tour started. It was clear in his mind – he was getting in here no matter what.

“Welcome back,” Johnny greeted you as you took a seat in the auditorium beside him.

“Right back at you,” you replied, dropping your bag on the ground. “How was your summer?”

He shrugged and muttered that he split his time between Chicago and South Korea, thanks to his parents’ divorce. You listened as he described the tension during each stay, as both single parents had expressed their true feelings about one another to Johnny.

“Sorry Johnny,” you said with a sympathetic smile, “hey so, are you doing late night again?”

Johnny nodded and you confirmed that you were in again for another late night slot, as it was your favorite time to broadcast. You weren’t forced to be as strict with the profanity during timeslots closer to midnight and it was a fun way to get hyped for the weekend. Because this would be your third year of radio, you’d get first dibs on timeslots. A few days prior to the start of the new semester, you had gotten an e-mail from Kris asking if you wanted your old timeslot back, which you replied you did.

“All right guys! Can I have your attention please?” Kris called out, trying to regain control of the large group of students chattering away. He waited a few minutes before speaking again.

“Welcome to University Radio Club,” he began, “if you’re here because you’re taking radio as an elective or just because you want to, you’re in the right place. We meet every other week here at 9 PM – attendance is mandatory for those taking this as an elective. If you are brand new to radio, we’ll start taking sign ups for timeslots via e-mail. Please send us your top three choices and we’ll let you know if any are available. Past DJs will get first choice. Any questions so far?”

“The D-bag’s not doing radio anymore, right?” Johnny whispered as he leaned closer to you.

You shrugged, trying to seem indifferent. The “D-bag” in question was your ex, who cheated on you for two sorority chicks during a Greek life party. You swore he purposely chose the timeslot after you so he could saunter in and ruin your good mood with his presence, as his show was after yours for 3 semesters.

“I’ll deal with it like usual,” you muttered as you watched Kris start discussing the history of radio to the students taking this for credit.

“Welcome back to your place for top hits, fresh sounds, and jams to get you in the mood for your weekend – this is Nocturnal Beats!” you said into the mic with a smile. “Hope everyone stayed cool this summer. The bell may have rung but the fun’s never ending – I’ve got some new sounds to share from EXO and Twenty One Pilots so keep it here for this hour.”

Once you switched off the microphone, your phone buzzed with a text from Kris.

Galaxy

I’ll buy you a drink this weekend if you can do a last minute training for the rookie coming in after you.

Sent 10:07 PM

You

Fine.

Sent 10:08 PM

Hang on – rookie? Not Y/E/N?

Sent 10:08 PM

Galaxy

Nah he never answered my e-mail about radio this semester. This guy’s a first year – asked specifically for this slot.

Sent 10:09 PM

Tall, blonde hair in an undercut, name’s Namjoon Kim. He’s doing a rap show.

Sent 10:10 PM

You frowned as you re-read the texts and typed back a simple OK to Kris. Well, you could breathe easy – no asshole ex to deal with this semester. But you were surprised this kid got a prime spot – most first timers weren’t so lucky and would get an afternoon slot or an early morning time. Albeit his radio show content was probably better suited for nighttime versus editing out every curse word and innuendo possible. You’d meet him soon enough.

You shuttled a few IMs to Johnny and tore your gaze away from your laptop to see a tall Asian guy approaching the station, eerily fitting the description Kris texted you. He was busy typing something on his phone as he approached the radio station, walking into the door with a thud.

You blinked as you scrambled to your feet, eyes wide as he staggered back a few steps, wincing and cursing in Korean as he touched his forehead. Without wasting more time, you queued up a few more songs and a bumper before opening the door and checking on him.

“Hey you okay?”

“Huh? Oh yeah, yeah I’m fine,” he said as he pushed his dark framed glasses up on his nose. He shot you a sheepish smile and put his phone away in his pocket.

You studied him thoughtfully, examining his features. He looked awfully familiar…

“Hey so Y/N right? I don’t know you if you remember me, well I had dark hair last time we met, but um…” he trailed off, a shy smile on his face.

“Hang on, were you the guy who got left behind by the tour group to ask me questions about the radio station?” you recalled as you stepped out of the doorway. “Last semester in mid-March, right?”

He nodded as his smile spread across his face, resulting in the cutest dimples on his cheeks. You blinked as you silently compared the previous image you had of him in your mind to the guy standing before you now. He was cute then but with the blonde color and new haircut, he looked hot. It also sounded like his English had improved and the lingering trace of his accent was barely noticeable. Summer sure was kind to him…

“Wow I didn’t know you got in – congrats!” you replied as you nudged the door open wider, letting him into the station waiting room. “Welcome to university! I can’t believe you decided to take up radio too.”

Namjoon stepped through the doorway and watched as you closed the door to the station. “Well, it’s a funny story,” he began as he shoved his hands into his pockets. “A really chill DJ was doing a special show during my tour visit and she had a really hot voice. I was kind of a loser just staring at her and asking her dumb questions about radio, but she was so patient and really nice. So I felt encouraged to apply – I mean, I liked the classes and the professors too, but hearing this DJ was like the icing on the cake. I wanted to come here and do radio too. Maybe run into her again.”

You ducked your head and smiled, crossing your arms over your chest. “You found me Namjoon,” you replied.

He squared his shoulders and allowed a slightly cocky smile to cross his lips. “Rap Monster. No DJ, just Rap Monster around here.”

You contemplated his moniker and nodded in approval.

“It suits you,” you said. “Well you’ll go live for your first show in 10 minutes – think you’re ready?”

He removed his glasses from his nose and swapped them for a pair of dark wayfarers, pushing them up on his nose.

“Bring it on Y/DJ/N.”

[st0ned-butch-blues]

resolution updates

It’s important to check-in w myself so I don’t fall through with these 2018 resolutions...

1. Be healthier physically and mentally

idk how but I fucked up my sleeping schedule even more and am basically nocturnal now??

doing rlly well with avoiding the vending machine

the whole self-love thing is def not getting any better but tbh I didn’t expect it to (it’s gotten a lot worse recently)

yo girl won’t be having sex any time soon and is too drained w life to try masturbating, rlly gonna have to push this one off until I’m in a better place mentally (and prob when I’m out of Colby)

still not journaling ahhh (but I rlly am trying to make more personal posts on this blog) I get too frustrated w writing because it’s not fast enough to catch up to my brain, so I may have to start journaling digitally or some shit

found a friend that volunteers at the humane society, will hopefully start volunteering w her next semester. maybe ask ana and jean to join me

I cleaned my room for the first time this year and that was super nice and cleansing and ahhh

decided to add a resolution to drink more water cause I usually drink water once a day and... that’s not good. Downloaded the Plant Nanny app to keep me on track

try to stop drinking alcohol as ur prime social activity -> maybe try weed? don’t wanna fuck up my health lmao

2. Improve your social life

am planning a lot more social programming for clubs, which I think is a good club goal to have. we need to build community first before trying to accomplish anything else.

social anxiety has gotten worse and I need to learn how to socialize but also take it easy and stay in during rlly bad mental health days instead of forcing myself to go out and feeling even shittier

have continued to not make friends and be a passive friend to the friends I do have. fuck.

I consider myself a rlly good friend to turn to when you have problems (and my friends have been having A LOT lately), but you can't base an entire relationship off of negativity... Plan to do things w ur friends that are FUN and not just talking about problems/complaining

I'm continuing not to fuck w cishet boys as much as possible. But tbh it can be rlly hard when everyone around you still gives a fuck about them and ur rlly just trying to quit ur unhealthy thoughts associated with them

still pining after a relationship tbh. or maybe just the validation of being unconditionally loved by someone or maybe I just miss cuddling. but it’s p much confirmed that ill never get in a relationship during my time here. or get any queer sexual experiences. or sexual experiences in general. so focus on just surrounding urself w a queer community because that is the epitome of fun and love and acceptance and ahhhhh

3. Get your academic shit together. Plan for your future career/life.

most of my resolutions for this section will have to wait till next semester, so we’ll see...

have learned that taking a shower is rlly good for combating unproductivity? It’s a very relaxing, cleansing thing for me and I should start doing it earlier before I want to get shit done rather than right before I go to sleep

got into WOCA board, will start doing this food/gardening youth education volunteering thing, got a social media-y internship (still debating if I want to drop Oak Committee and whether or not to apply for CA/COOT leader)

jan plan hasn’t been strenuous academically at all. but im worried moving into second semester how I’ll handle balancing all the shit in my life on top of my unstable mental health

still have only read one book this year. get on that.

have def been watching more content, but usually in an unhealthy binge-watching, sleep depriving way. at least I have netflix now eyyy

some media I’ve rlly enjoyed recently are: Wasted! (one of the best food documentaries I’ve ever seen. rlly well done), Hasan Minhaj: Homecoming King (amazing stand-up comedy by a first-gen indian-american), RuPaul’s Drag Race (has been slowly helping me make queer friends on top of just being some quality entertainment), The Gay and Wondrous Life of Caleb Gallo (just finished binge-watching this web-series and wow this is the queer life I wish I was living)

cleaning up my personal blog is a sloooow ass process but have worked on it a liiittle

have been having problems w food again, this is a good reminder to lay off the red meat. ill rlly be able to accomplish my food resolutions when I'm in co-op next year. esp when I can go to farmer's markets and sustainably source seafood ahhh

should rlly start budgeting, logging my purchases, calculating reimbursements (for clubs and parents), and get a consistent job

haven’t done too much work w korean shit. BUT I stayed up until 8 AM listening to all of Jonghyun’s solo albums and holy shit he has some jams but like also some rlly fucking beautiful songs and his voice is so relaxing and wow I’m so fucking sad he’s gone. Even though I got into him rlly late, he was coincidently the one korean artist that kept showing up in my life randomly on social media and through friends. idk I just realized how calming korean music is for me, like I put Jonghyun’s "Before Our Spring" on repeat when I had my mental breakdown last night

applied to a summer program!!!!!! Rlly rlly rlly hope I get this one (partially so I can see heejin again tbh)