#im always ashamed when i write these BUT I CANT STOP

[throttlethrow]

Couch (Seoho + Leedo)

Pairing: Seoho x fem!Reader x Leedo

Rating: 18+ (Minors DNI)

Summary: You’re stuck between a hard place and a hard place. On a couch.

Warnings: threesome, oral, praise kink, unprotected sex, pet names (baby, good girl), dirty talk, bad writing

A/N: Just… A lot of filth. 1.7k words of it. It’s almost comical. I’ve been writing this on and off when the mood strikes me over a long period of time so… Have at it!

It all started from the couch; you were showing one of them a funny video and the other scooted up behind you to see what you two were laughing at. They held your phone to see the video better then dropped their hands to rest on you. One on your hip and the other on your thigh. Either they were oblivious or pointedly ignoring each other's attention. You couldn't do either. The growing heat between them made your heart race and the increasingly intimate touches were driving you crazy. But the farce kept going. Seoho wrapped his arms you from behind show you something on his phone while Geonhak rested his head on your shoulder and rubbed circles on your hip with his thumb.

You don't know what Geonhak saw when he turned to check your reaction, maybe your flushed cheeks, but he pauses and looks over to Seoho. After a moment, a silent conversation, he leans in to press his lips against yours and licks into your mouth while Seoho begins to suck marks onto your neck. Hands roam around your body and you can't tell who is doing what. Fingers dig into the softness of your thighs while another set boldly cups your chest.

Weight on your shoulders press you backwards into Seoho’s chest and he leans onto the couch armrest. Like dominoes, you all fall in one direction and you're pressed between two solid bodies. Geonhak dives back in for more kisses while pulling your hips forward to manhandle you more horizontally. He presses the bulge in his sweatpants against your heat and your arousal skyrockets when it becomes very clear that he wants to fuck you. Seoho whines as if he doesn’t want to be forgotten and rubs his hips against your back.

“You want this, right?” Geonhak rumbles against your lips when you feel hands at your waistband.

“Yes, oh my god, yes.” You pant as you help him remove your bottoms and underwear in one smooth motion. He chuckles as he tugs you farther down the couch until your head rests in Seoho’s lap. Then, he immediately dives down and, “W-wait! Fuck!!,” you shout when you feel a tongue circling your clit. Your body twitches in time with the sound of slurps as you feel Geonhak point his tongue to lick into you. His arms press your knees down into the couch to stop your wriggling. With a hard suck, he makes eye contact with you, dark and intense, to watch your reactions.

A groan sounds above you and you notice Seoho staring down at you while palming himself through his pants. You watch his eyes trace your lips and suddenly, you’re overwhelmed with the desire to take him into your mouth. Parting your lips, your tongue lolls out for two of his fingers to dip inside and you suck on them with a moan. As if trying to catch your attention, a thicker pair of fingers push into your pussy.

“Back to me,” Geonhak growls as he roughly pumps his fingers into you, “I want you to watch this.” He shoves the waistband of his sweatpants down to free his cock and lines himself up with your hole, spitting at where you connect to help the slide. A quick thought of “Wait, is that going to fit?” flits through your mind before it leaves when you feel him press into you. The head of his cock pops in and your eyes roll back at the feeling of him filling you up.

Seoho lets out a sound as he fumbles with his pants above you, fingers leave your mouth before the head of his dick bumps against your tongue. You try to twist and angle your head to take more of him into your mouth and his hips stutters at the wet warmth wrapping around him.

“Fuck, look at you,” Geonhak groans, dropping his head to watch you lap and suck on Seoho’s cock despite the awkward angle. He works his hips in slow, deep thrusts and revels at the sight of you taking cock in both ends.

“So good for us,” he breathes and you moan around Seoho at the compliment. It throws you in a spiral because you want to be good for them. Geonhak draws his hips back to flip you onto your hands and knees before gathering your hair into his hand.

“Open wide,” Geonhak murmurs into your ear and you drop your jaw open, letting him guide you down.

“F-fuck,” Seoho pants as he grips himself at the root and feeds his cock into your mouth. The feeling of it bumping at the back of your throat makes you choke out a moan. Your mouth floods with drool at the intrusion and you slurp around him before trying to swallow more.

Something hot rubs against your heat and you jerk at the feeling. “Keep going,” you hear Geonhak rasp behind you as you feel rough hands grab your waist and he slides back in. The force of Geonhak’s thrust pushes you further onto the cock in front of you. You choke around Seoho with a wet noise and arousal shoots through you at the same time his cock twitches in your mouth.

“Fuck,” Geonhak swears at the feeling of you flutter and squeeze around him. “You like that?”He breathes before he starts to snap his hips in long, hard thrusts. Your moans stutter every time you feel Seoho’s cock bumps against the back of your throat. It feels like cotton fills your head from overstimulation. You try to focus on sucking but Seoho yanks at your hair to pull out of your mouth, not wanting to finish yet. You wetly gasp and lay your head on his thigh, limp and moaning as Geonhak keeps taking his pleasure.

“You’re so good for us,” Geonhak darkly says, “We should just keep you here and take turns all night,” he grinds his hips against your ass as if he’s trying to reach deeper into you. “You’d like that, right?” You moan in response but he draws all the way back before thrusting back in hard. “Right??”

You shout “Yes!!” and you start to babble, “Yes, yes, yes, yes,” as Geonhak speeds up to a brutal pace. Almost there, almost there-! But he suddenly stops and cums with a groan. Your hips twitch against Geonhak’s from the feeling of wet warmth filling you up and you let out a sob as you feel him pull out.

“You want to cum?” he asks, pulling you up and shuffling you forward until you’re hovering above Seoho. Two sets of hands on your hips push you to lower onto the cock below, the slide easy and slick.

“Work for it.” Geonhak murmurs into your ear before he leans back. With a bit urging, you start to lift yourself before dropping back down. Gravity pulls Seoho deeper into you and knocks the air out of your lungs. To chase the feeling, you start to speed up.

"Yeah, like that. He likes it like this," Geonhak whispers into your ear as his hands guides your hips into a steady bounce on Seoho’s cock. You moan at the building pleasure and lean back to rest your head on his shoulder. The burn of your thighs sizzle like background noise like the slick noises of your bodies meeting. Geonhak wraps his arms around you to fondle your chest before moving one hand down to trace where your body stretches around Seoho's dick.

Suddenly, the rhythm changes when hot hands grip at your hips and pulls you down as Seoho thrusts up into you with a mewl. A loud moan escapes your lips as you nearly lose balance but Geonhak holds you up.

"He's close," he rumbles, "You're so good for us," You can almost hear the smile on Geonhak's lips and you shiver at the praise. Good for them, you want to be so good for them.

Seoho is moaning, light and airy, at the end of every exhale and he's nearly bucking you off at the force of his thrusts. With a broken noise, he pushes you onto your back -Geonhak laughs as he slides off the couch- and crawls over you. There's a wild look in his eyes as he hooks your legs over his arms and folds you in half. Thrusting back into you in one motion, he fucks you at a brutal pace.

"Holy shit-!" The new angle hits you in all the right places. You were already nearly there while Geonhak fucked you but being bent in half like this with Seoho's dick hitting you in the right spot, "I'm- I'm gonna-" Geonhak coos at your growing desperation, petting you and kissing you between your gasps. "Yes, baby," He growls, "Come for us."

And that was enough to set you off, fireworks light up behind your eyelids as you hit your high. Your body convulses but Seoho holds you steady and fucks you through your orgasm with rabbit quick thrusts. Your ears are still ringing when you feel Seoho thrust one more time before adding to the mess that Geonhak left inside you. He lets out a strangled groan as he tenses up against you. Then, he backs off and lets your legs flop down.

Your chest heaves as you try to catch your breath with your limbs limply spread over the couch. You don’t even notice the two pairs of eyes drinking in the sight of you; bleary eyed and spread open with cum oozing out of you. Geonhak slides over for soft and sweet kisses as his fingers trace the crease of your pussy to gather up the cum dripping out of you.

“Good girl,” he breathes against your lips before pushing the cum back into you. He moves aside to let Seoho climb over for kisses as well. Licking into your mouth, he makes a small noise from tasting himself on your tongue.

“So how about it?” You break the kiss to turn to Geonhak and he smirks at you, “All night?”

Both men look at you expectantly and you huff at the sight. They almost look like puppies if they didn’t just blow your back out. “All night.”

[ganondoodle]

i gotta admit, i do feel a little .. cheated on? i guess, or jealous perhaps, that i seem to have to work so hard just to get me to draw, not even anything of substance, or a lot, i always undersell how much time it took me to draw soemthing bc i ... am embarassed about some half assed doodle taking me 5 hours. i feel ashamed of taking so long for everything.

i am taking forever for the totk rewrite that i dont even know if its any good (im more confident about my design skills than writing..), despite constantly thinking about it i still havent properly started on the rant script (its not even art ..), and my comic that i still want to continue .. i havent updated in months? a year now? (i have NOT lost interest in it, i am daydreamign and working on it in my head still..)

maybe thats a selfish thing to admit to feeling, but man, i am so fuckign jealous, i always feel like i should be able to, i KNOW i am not shit at everything, but i cant get it OUT; like back in school when my teachers told me i am not horrible, i am actually pretty good, "i know you can do this, you have the skill." while meant to be uplifting, sicne i always think (or rather, FEEL like) i am bullshitting everything and nothing i make/write is actually any good or knows what its talkign about, it also felt like ... an accusation? like i am purposfully not doing it, i am not doing enough, i am holding back somehow, like they are asking me to stop holding back, and i just look at the ground not knowing what to do or say.

and i HATE wasting time, i cant stand looking at the clock and realizing i have been doodling back and forth on this one thing for 4 hours, and now i have to go to bed. no progress. nothing to show. nothing to feel accomplished. its not always, of course, but way WAY too many times ...

i see others churn out so much stuff, high quality stuff, and jsut think .. i should be able to do that too, i have seen myself be able to do it but its random times once or twice a year when i focus on one piece like i had gone mad- i really dont like how resentful it can make me feel towards people i dont know and dont deserve it (i do not actually hate or send hate, its just that .... shitty, shitty feeling)

hopefully this will be the last time for a longer time of me doing this type of post, but i felt it so strongly right now, it needed out

[miam0re]

SMUT REQUEST

HI!!!! uhmmm i love the way you write SO MUCH!!!! i was hoping for a requessttt!! i CANNOT stop thinking abt this scenario, i truly hope i inspire you and get u to write my idea 😭😭 i love your work sm!! i feel like my writing lacks so much english vocab when it comes to smut writing, so thats why im here,,, asking such a LOVELY WRITER BTW like damn

respectfully,

- carmine

(p.s, if this ask is too long, im debating to write this idea out but im so scared to post a smut :(( tysm if u consider doing my req!!)

—

context

very close with march, comfy enough to talk about stuff, gossips, anything really, helps each other, close enough with stelle as well

oc!reader trailblazer (not caelus or stelle) having a natural allure, ur so kind, naturally motherly figure like, perfect lover type shit aura, always caring for others, AND oc!reader skillful af (any weapon y/n uses) voluptuous, flexible and speedy as shit, (im fast asf boi) but basically,,, think of,,, a hot and caring killing machine lmfao, her morals are more on the good side, shes kind, all that, but when it comes to battle, holy shit who tf is this mf??? battle lust, ruthless, relentless wtf (and the dynamic and duality of oc!reader seems to naturally attract the men who witnessed both oc!readers combat skills and being acquainted enough to know that this mf is like, the dream goddam)

the hsr men that you encountered are so obviously attracted to u, have the hots for you (canon way to their characters ofc), they all ask march annoyingly, still trying to be respectful to her whenever they can, just to try to get to know oc!reader, mfs cant muster up the courage to GET CLOSER WITH OC!READER!! and march got so fed up that she devised a plan, classic march yk?

— march basically got fed up abt the hsr men asking her about oc!reader (but not because of jealousy n shit, nonono shes happy and amused that her bff is that hot to them and shes so proud of herself for being close n shit) she adds all the men to a gc, and her being the mastermind yk texts and gathers them to a place (be it belobog, xianzhou u choose) and march PLANS to let the curious, secretly needy for ur attention, men eavesdrop in another room.

— SO!!! AND THERE THE SCENE PLAYS!! march had gathered welt, dan heng, gepard, jing yuan shit all of them, they felt so guilty abt this but they were too curious about you, march asked a clueless stelle to accompany her and oc!reader to this whole,,,, situation lmfao, march then asks subtly, not too obvious abt what she thinks about these hsr men.

— you talk abt them so nicely, with details, about yk, all of them one by one, ur so nice, so caring, every voice is filled with affection, march sweating in the bg cause of the hidden men within the room listening in like pervs lmfao

uh oh

— following the display of affectionate words ur clueless fat (butt) ass, march asks a question, a question that would change everything and reveal another side to her, a specific one, subtly nsfw and not at the same time, yk, to not be obvious, "so.. uhh y/n, would you wanna get close to them? one of them at least?"

— oc!reader: "without a doubt, but they... i feel like theres a certain hesitancy of... air around them? a wall? distance? (big sultry pout sigh that lets the men listening in shiver grrrr)" leaving the men ashamed as fuckkk from their hesitancy to get close with oc!trailblazer lmaoooo

march, (narrowing her eyes, disappointed at the eavesdropping hsr men lmao): "... i think they're just complete losers! :D *ahem* how close do you-"

oc!trailblazer/reader, (mf blushing): "-yes."

march: "???? oookay..." (contemplates to ask one of sampos questions, before finally getting the courage to ask) "so... y/n... would you want to be intimate with them? like- you kn-"

oc!trailblazer: "yes." (eyes become fogged with lust as she begins to fantasize about them, not knowing theyre in a hidden room)

march: "???!!!)_9_(__(($#)"!!2?????? o-okay! ahah! uhm... w-who are you thinking of in specif-"

oc!trailblazer: "...i dont care, i can take them all, and not in a fight..." (huffing subtly lmao)

march: "?????????????????? BITCH? HUH???"

oc!trailblazer: [insert slutty horny shit, absolutely bewildering both stelle and march, not knowing the HSR MEN ARE ALL LISTENING]

oc!trailblazer: [insert more slutty whore-y shit, if given the chance she would want to take all of their thick cocks <3 also getting carried away as she forgets march and stelle are with her]

march & stelle: [appropriate canon response of their close friend being so fucking horny]

hsr men eavesdropping: (both horny and disbelief and looking at each other like the spiderman meme shit idk let your imagination run wild)

— lets not forget the men eavesdropping and listening to the one whom they admired talk about getting fucked ruthlessly and mercilessly by all of them, gangbang, as shes finally expressing her inner slut to march and stelle LMAO, u can add their reacts too behind the hidden room conpartment reacting to oc!trailblazer!

—

yeah i

this is one of my ideas and obsessions so i hope u take inspiration and do this... in your own way ofcs! i just typed out dialogues n shit for a clear idea of what im going for, if u read all this thank you so much for at least reading and i hope all kinds of inspiration hit you like a truck !! 😭

Hello there Carmine <3 First of, thanks for the love for my writing like please I'm blushing from your niceness 🤗

Reading through your idea I think I could write up something quick. Maybe the reader is going on about her fantasies of taking the men and then in the other room describing their reactions and thoughts. You say reader and Stelle are different right? I'll keep that in mind while writing.

Also you said that you wanted to try writing this but are scared...I say go for it!! We all start from somewhere. I still remember when I wrote my first few smut fics and they were obviously much worse compared to where I am now but I only got here by writing and writing and I feel like I still have a long journey ahead of me. If you really want to, I encourage you to try writing this in your own way :))

Apart from that, I'll try to write this as soon as I can hehe

P.S. No apologizing for being horny and sharing horny thougts. This is a safe space for thirty people huehuehu

[pueraeternal]

Locker 316

I saw you again today. In the lunchroom you eat by yourself, head down either writing or drawing. I dared myself to walk by, just to glimpse what you are doing. I just ate and watched.

In the yard I saw you pacing in the far corner, away from the other kids. I know you hide it, but I can see you talking to yourself. The other girls started circling towards you, w/ their giggles and stares. I wish I could warn you, or even stop them. But secretly im glad their attention is on you. I am ashamed that I looked away and went back inside to sit by my locker and read. This is my escape, make myself small so no one notices and go into my imagination. People trip over me all the time, I guess it works.

I started looking for you at lunch each day. Sometimes I find you eating by yourself and other days by your locker reading. I know your locker number, 316. The days I cant find you at school, I walk by it. Someone drew a dick on it. I stopped and looked at it, head turned. Same thing happened to me last year. It was in permanent marker and stayed there all year. Until the summer when some custodian must have cleaned it. I don't know exactly who did it to you, but its the same people.

Im not sure why I stayed there staring, normally I walk by and whisper your number "316". Just an assurance that I wont forget it, maybe its because I dont know your name. I have no one to talk to, so its not like I can ask anyone who you are. Besides, this is at the other end of the school, lots of younger kids I dont know.

I turn and walk back to my class, lunch is over, I did not see you again today and a little sad.

I could not sleep that night, my imagination was keeping me awake again. I get lots of ideas at night, it can be overwhelming, sometimes I get up and write them down, often I am up all night writing. Sometimes I just lie there and let my thoughts carry me away. Tonight I thought of 316.

All sort of scenarios played in my mind, where I rescue you from the girls, I come between you and them, I am fierce, loud, brave and tell them off, sometimes I even punch or kick them. You always hug me afterwards. We become friends and eat lunch together. Sometimes I imagine ways I walk up and talk to you, we become instant best friends. You adore me and we are inseparable, just you and I against the world. But the truth is, you are just 316 and I am a no body to you. We both wander and talk to ourselves in different parts of the school. Only noticed for being different. I try to think of something I can actually do, some way to connect or just break out of my shell. I've got it! I flipped over the blanket, lamp on, sat in my desk chair with knees up to my chest and started drawing. I tried to put my tongue back in my mouth, but stopped myself, if you saw me, you would not care, I could be myself around you. Mom says to close your mouth, keep your tongue inside when concentrating, stop pacing and quit fidgeting. She is very strict w/ me, but not in my room, not tonight. I am being myself, the self that is most comfortable to me, tongue out between my teeth, left hand pressing fingers together in sequence and the right drawing, for you 316.

At school today I am exhausted. Not only from lack of sleep, but my social skills counselor has me practice small talk w/ other kids in our class of dummies....well, that's what the girls call us. Its tiring having to remembering all these social rules, I don't get most of them so I just copy what other people are doing. Its easier that way, but im always making mistakes. People laugh, walk away or ignore me. Some of the teachers are nice, like the social skills teacher. She says I'm masking. I love this word, it makes me feel special. Like I have a small piece of the puzzle figured out. I wish you were here, I really want to tell you about masking...oh crap, I'm busted for day dreaming again. More shame and guilt hits me. Thank god its almost noon. I reach in my bag and check to see if my piece of paper is there. Ive been checking it all morning.

When the bell rings I run across the school, this is not something I normally I do. I prefer to walk close to walls and avoid people but today I am feeling brave. I am on a mission for 316.

When I reach the locker, you are not there, but the obscenity still is. I reach into my bag, pull out the paper and unfold it. I'm starting to sweat, feeling very self conscious, I bet everyone is looking at me. My left hand wants to shake and feet want to start moving, I hate this feeling, needing to move, not being able to stand still, it gets worse when im nervous. I look at the locker number and steady myself. Glue stick, paper and steady hands put the picture over top of the of the one thing keeping you from school and away from me.

I go to the office and call home. I cant possibly stay here any longer, my batteries are drained, my hand wont stop shaking and fingers counting. I need to go home and escape. today was too much.

Two days later Its lunch time, I am in the cafeteria and find you, writing or drawing from across the room. I pick up my lunch, sketch book, pencils and walk across the room till I am next to you. I set my stuff down, making sure you see my sketch book first. I sit beside you and start drawing, neither of us say a word.

I have a friend today.

-Puer Aeternus

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

HIII DUDE good afternoon how r u how's the tokyo ghoul rewatch going!! i would. Love 2 hear ur ghostkicks and/or tg thoughts literally at any given time. taking ur joke tags absolutely dead serious because im trying 2 figure out How To Write Them currebtly & we're doin a bit of wrangling in the google doc 😭.

u know i have the brainrot so so so badly because im on episode 3 of tg and all i can think is "i can make a pd au out of this" so im feeling rlly normal abt it basically. im blaming it on unravel.

ANYWAY. ANYWAY. ANYWAY. YEAH. HI. GHOSTKICKS. they are soooooo. tired depressed introvert gets adopted by a loud bubbly extrovert trope. at least on the surface. like how they behave at school in season 1. thinkin abt jimmy going "what is UP with bro behind u" and william just ominously lurking there. and how dakota defends him later !!!!!!!! idk how much of this youve gotten to yet bc i dont remember when it actually comes up in canon bc its such an ingrained part of his character but dakota is soooooo. guard dog coded. this hits especially hard in the "what if pd were villains" oneshot but its sooooo prevalent in canon too.

they both hold each other in the highest respect. william sees dakota as the prime (ha) example of what a hero should be. hes brave hes kind he does his best to protect everyone no matter what. hes all the things that william Isnt. BUT !!!! dakota also looks up to him !!! hes so smart hes good at problem solving hes so curious about everything and asking questions and poking his nose into things that nobody else would even consider. dakota knows hes not smart so he automatically looks to william whenever he needs a plan or someone to tell him what to do when he feels lost. they complement each other and they dont even !!!!! know it !!!!!!!

also regarding williams powers. fuck dude. season 1 he was so fucking scared of himself and ashamed of the things he could do . he hid every time he had to use wisp form !!! but dakota always thought it was so cool and was not QUIET about it. boy went fucking STAR EYES the first time he saw wisp form !!!!!! i will never stop thinking abt the first rolled for season 2 where charlie goes "if dakota hadnt left, he probably wouldve been able to convince william to keep using his powers and not to completely disregard their existence like he has been" and . considering what william is like in season 2... god this wouldve been a COMPLETELY different fucking campaign. theyre so. incredibly soulmates to me. theyre so important to each other theyd do anything for each other. i cant say too much more without accidentally giving you spoilers bc i WILL keep talking and not be able to shut up but GOD fuck ghostkicks enjoyers eat so well in the latter half of s2. moirails. 2 me !!!!!!!

[dumbbitchfrommars]

im afraid of who i might become, if i dont change now.

why am i the way i am? theres always a core belief, right, rooted in a past experience, that builds these unhelpful coping mechanisms in us. i used to be so good at identifying them in myself. but things changed, and now the mechanisms feel too complex to unravel.

surely i am on the spectrum... trying to listen to people speaking to me feels so hard. like it physically causes a reaction in me, when people talk too loudly or emphatically or aggressively. and i NEED time to myself after socialising, without it i become this monstrous, irritable, childish version of myself that's impossible to be around.

i feel so ashamed of that side of me... because people treat me like a child when she gets forced out. because people don't understand how sensitive i am, and how much space i truly require. or because i am terrible at identifying when i need it, or communicating it, and then i feel trapped. a lifetime of feeling trapped in situations i dont actually want to be in. what does that do to a person?

so really the lesson here isnt changing, its just speaking. using my voice. and being honest about how i feel. even though that also never comes out quite right, either, apparently. why is it so much easier for me to understand myself, when im writing? its like my head is so noisy as it is... or so quiet. i dont know. this is so hard.

i have been silencing myself... i dont know when or why it began, but its been going on for a long time. long enough for me to feel this turmoil inside whenever i try to get to the bottom of how im feeling, of why im feeling this way. like its all surface level, superficial...

i keep saying, over and over, again and again. im depressed, im grieving, im struggling... but why? why does it even matter that anyone else knows, if not myself? no one could understand, i dont understand.

i am seeking being heard (i havent been listening to myself), understood (i barely understand who i am), loved (i am my worst critic), appreciated (i dont appreciate anything), independence (i rely on everyone).

ive been thinking and feeling things, many things, that i am ashamed for feeling. but the shame comes from sharing them with undeserving ears. from exposing my private thoughts with people who may (or may not) deserve it. regardless, i guess i have been too quick to share before checking in with myself if that's even something i want known.

am i victimising myself? is that what everyone thinks? or, is that just me? vacillating painfully between victim and victimised. no one cares. i dont care. everybody cares. i care.

when did i stop caring? when did i stop loving myself unconditionally? this all started with one stupid decision - going to that bush doof, meeting the human embodiment of a cockroach, and letting him get close enough to me to sexually assault me. to lie to me, manipulate, gaslight, coerce, and siphon my energy from me all at once. and i took it, i welcomed it. like an idiot...

i read my old journals. i thought i was so much of an optimist. but i am a chronic pessimist. i want to be better. do i start now? how? how do i love myself when ive done so much harm to myself? i have let myself down so much. im here because i got myself here. im so disappointed and heartbroken and i cant blame anyone but myself for getting me here.

you can only stay in one place for so long, until you grow sick and tired of it. we are humans and we crave change... am i tired yet?

[anotherdorkyslut]

The thots of a harlot

a writing segemnt where i share my thoughts and etc.

tw: child abuse, daddy issues and mentions of kink

i left off on a blunt note but what i mean is it wasnt him but the enviroment and i had to question myself like a bit cuz why did what a man meant to protect me did now made me feel truly embraced i realized it wasnt him and it wasnt what he did but rather its how as i child i linked the abuse to being cared for and loved, cuz the moment i could call a spade a spade i did and i lost him i lost a father who is alive and well yet not , i was ashamed i loved him he wasnt a good father but he was the only one i ever had so after he would hurt me and hug me he always swiftly went back to the fart jokes and walking me to the bus and being the dad i wanted to stay , so i stopped listening it didnt matter if ppl were right or wrong i wouldnt take it, i could no longer afford to feel so small anymore but as time passed my need for someone to lead came in strongggg cuz quickly i found i couldnt trust him i sure as shit couldt trust my mother so it was always me and life happens so when dealing trauma and untreated bipolar and autism i couldnt fucking do it but being dominated it feels like this warm weighted blanket of protection and intmacy but over everything love i dont when and how but i at some point NEEDED THATT in relationship im deadass like i cant bump uglies w a guy without that feeling that and i mean dramatic too like a guy who is firm in his need to protect and love me in now the only way i understand

[holytalekoala]

Let’s start writing feelings, again. It’s always a while ago when I stop writing feelings over the same reason, all the time. Ashamed. Ashamed that people would know how I feel.

But if you think about it, aren’t we all human and we suppose to feel. It is something that makes us human. Why do we feel ashamed about what we feel?

Human in a way is a very weird being. As they get older, they wish to be wise. And being wise meaning being able to “manage” feelings. They said, even when you are sad, you should be able to still function socially, not publicly showing that you are sad. Also when you are excited, they said it’s elegant if you stay “humble” which in another words means, don’t be too obvious abt it because they also said, if the next second you got bad luck, people will laugh at you bcs just 1 sec ago you were too happy.

And this is somehow making adult human enjoying their moment very less. They always cautious. Where is the fun? I also wondering.

Today I feel so.. upset. Thinking about what I feel, how I should act on it. Should I just keep in for myself or should I express it out.

It’s becoming a dilemma. While if we think back about it, human suppose to feel.

Human and it’s complexity of thought and perception. Me myself as human also confused how.

And being adult human means you need to navigate it all yourself. Whether you follow what majority do or would you deviate? Would you take the risk if you deviate? Perceived as “imperfect”. You know even there is this one quote which I really don’t like saying “if you see someone very happy, ask what has taken from her”. I mean…cant we just be happy? Why other human assume our life must have flaws? Why cant we just feel what we feel and no need to afraid about it. Why other human judge us while they also face the same? Why?

Im now sitting on a chair, thinking so much abt what I feel whether what I feel is valid. Why do I need to validate my feelings???? Why don’t I just feel. Let me just feel it. Let me just drown in it. At least if I died, I died feeling my feelings.

Humans are indeed weird. But at least tonight I express what Im thinking abt it. About feeling what we feel.

Isnt this an emotional post? Yeah with so much feeling 😊

[pizzasteveofficial]

ugh

no u know what Im pissed. I got back into the SCP foundation cuz of Dr Bob so Ive been perusing old articles. They redid Clef's daughter to literally just be Noelle from Deltarune which I guess is ok cuz the original article was weird and uncomfortable but I was able to work with the material. I can still work on the material but they fuckin linked this new article to this called "The Tombstone of Alto Clef" which was published in 2019, the same year where in the beginning of the year the DJ Kaktus obsessed circlejerk crowd booed me off the site because "ethics" (since when did SCP care about ethics????). So in response to me wanting to give Dr. Clef a happier life in the foundation, they just straight up kill him off. Fuck y'all. And they stripped Jack Bright of all character he even fuckin had in the story and kept everything a "big fucking mystery oooh" no fuck y'all that writing is abysmal, stupid, makes no fucking sense given Dr Alto Clef is a goddamn reality bending and warping anomolous entity he isnt even fuckin human and u kill him off? Nah fuck y'all new SCP circle jerk shit sucks ass and when I do my DND campaign Im cherry picking everything cuz FUCK the current moderation staff like I hate all of you. Half of you for bullying me off the site cuz I dared question why a new writer's fanfiction is not allowed but their own fanfiction fucking is. And half of you for having limp dick syndrome in denying my request to have everything deleted so I couldnt be associated with y'all anymore. All of you collectively ruined the fucking SCP foundation and now I have to fix it off site in a DND campaign because you guys think circle jerking yourselves and stroking your own egos is more important than actually nurturing creative writing. Im not saying my stories are perfect or whatever but Im not some idiot that doesn't know how to write like I excelled in all creative writing courses Ive ever taken as well as other writing courses because I do know how to write I do have talent but because I don't cater to men jerking themselves off I get accused of shit they do all the fucking time. Cant have a psychiatrist date a patient cuz it breaches ethics but we can have Donald Trump be an SCP and have Dr Bright scream about how he shit his pants. And we can have a reality warping entity die in the line of duty thru "mysterious circumstances TM" like hes some fragile human bitch. No fuck y'all everything y'all write is bullshit and has always been bullshit you should be ashamed of even moderating the site. Step down cuz y'all don't even know how to run a creative writing website. Stop ruining everything. Make your own circle jerk corner and circle jerk yourselves to death in there instead and give SCP back to the people who actually like to have fun. Fuck y'all all to hell especially ONE PARTICULAR CUNT I WONT NAME but you probably know who you are.

also before anyone gets it twisted I don't hate Kaktus. He's a fucking dickhead but I respect him as a writer. It's the moderation team that all suckle his dick that I have a problem with. To the point that he can produce subpar shit and its fine because the moderation team is taking turns deepthroating him. Which is sad because he's a talented writer but they don't nurture that when they worship him like a god instead of treating him like a human and actually helping him create amazing stuff rather than just "I can do whatever I want!!!!"

Also if anybody from the moderation team contacts me I will be blocking you because I don't wanna hear what you have to say. Y'all suck period end of story justifying yourself or insulting me won't change my opinion of how fucking bad you suck and how fuckin bad you ruined the site. I hate you!!!!! and I get any anons on this too deleted. I just wanted to say my piece because for years your bullying fucked up my mental health and I have been unable to write anything because of you!!! I will be changing that hopefully soon when time allows, but fuck you!!!! I hate you SO fucking much and I want it to be known that I detest the moderation on SCP and your writing is dry, stupid, don't make no goddamn sense, and boring AF and you're making that the standard for the site. Fuck off 🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻

[ningningkittie]

ok but for real!!!! now when im out of that bpd cptsd abandonment issues fear panic hole.... and i've gained a new perspective and i feel clarity.... i feel bad :( i really didnt handle it as i wanted to.... and it's not his fault i want to fill my 24hrs with him and i get sad when he doesnt message me every day... and it's not his fault im emotionally volatile and needy and clingy :/ it is also not his fault that he doesnt want to follow my blog, like jesus christ i am so childish!!!!!! yes i felt hurt but i also get it the more i think of it. and also the fact that i pretty much only express negative emotions because im always prepared to get left and hurt, i feel so uncomfortable saying positive or happy things bc im like yeah im gonna feel so humiliated and ashamed when this ends upbeing wrong and short lasting and imma be vulnerable and stupid and everyone is gonna see how pathetic i am woooo! so like if i saw him write the things i write when im overwhelmed by the bad feelings of hurt and abandonment and fear, i'd feel sad about it too... so really.. im like a child throwing a tantrum as soon as i feel "attacked" lol. it's embarrassing and idk how to stop it but yeah :p it's so embarrassing when i gain clarity and leave the bpd fear hole and realize how dramatic i am and how blew smth small up.. reallyi thought that him unfollowing me on one account meant he hated me forever and didnt want anything to do with me and was never gonna talk to me again!! like grow up girl.. i am allowed to get sad and feel hurt, but even if i cant stop it i should at least not show.. that emotional wreck lmao omg im so stupid and embarrassing and i feel so ashamed abt some of things i started yapping abt that wasnt even the point... 🙃

[katstratfordfanclub]

december 17, 2023

dear tumbr,

finals are over and i have an abundant amount of time to just get lost in my own mind. i spent the whole day cleaning my bathroom for fuck's sake.

life since the last update has been full of complete ups and downs but i kinda want to focus on my emotional shit right now because thats the thing im struggling the most with.

so ive always been a huge mess emotionally. change is something i struggle with really bad too. my mom stayed home with me until pre-school where it was decided that I needed to go so that my separation anxiety could have a chance to get better. it was hard. going to school continued to be hard for me until the third or fourth grade, long past when it was normal. i would cry when i would get dropped off for the first week or two but the older i got the more ashamed i became of crying. it wasn't normal but i couldn't help it, i would try to stop it but i couldn't. i could only try to hide it to the best of my ability. my emotions were to sensitive according to those around me. being sensitive shouldn't be a bad thing but the word 'sensitive' is frequently used as an insult. i internalized it. i didn't let myself show anything that could be construed as weakness past the fifth grade. it helped. once people stopped seeing a reaction they were less likely to pick on me. this has lasted to nineteen. i have become uncomfortable showing any emotion that is unguarded to others, even those who i desperately want to be able to show how much i love them and that i know want to know when i'm not doing well.

i've taken to experiencing my emotions in private. the dull ache of yearning for connection and the pressing weight of the worlds standards and wanting to be better. i want to be better. better in both in terms to my health, mental and physical, and for those around me. i fear i don't do enough. i don't want to be clingy or rather i don't want to be seen as clingy. i know i'm clingy, i alway have been. but my clingy nature has made me scared that i'm annoying. i don't want to be annoying. i don't want to give anyone a reason to leave.

i'm scared to show sides of myself that are unsavory. especially with clar. the more of myself i show him, the more reasons i give him to leave. at the same time, i want him to know me, in my entirety. its almost like i want him to have all the information before he makes a decision. i truly don't know what keeps him with me. he has done nothing but support me and i've been a complete mess for the past month. i try to pull it together but i don't want to lie. i don't lie to him. that's one vow i've told myself is that i wont lie to him. i don't know why he's with me though, its the one thing i can't wrap my head around. i don't know why he reached out in february about valentines day. i don't know why he reached out in march. i just don't know what is appealing. don't get me wrong, i'm glad he did. i love him. but he could do so much better than me. he could have someone who isn't like this.

anyway, it's christmas time i shouldn't be sad.

i've been crying for two hours now, i cant think straight about what i want to write about.

tldr; i'm insecure and mentally unwell. i hate who i have become.

kat out <3

[raincamp]

7 - 29 - 23

i was too distracted by good omens 2 yesterday to write anything haha, a good thing though, because it meant that i was distracted from the emotions im experiencing in real life. i instead spent all of yesterday in mourning with crowley. i feel like he and i are going through similar issues right now, it was nice to feel like i had someone (fictional) who understood, and also had somewhere (fictional) to put all my feelings.

he is so BPD coded — i can't even begin to talk about it

anyway, today i spent most of my time with my best friend (M) who i think i have yet to mention here? she's kind of a FP— or she used to be— or, i honestly don't know at this point. since i figured out my therapist is a FP of mine, it feels like maybe M has become less of one? or maybe it just feels like that in comparison. its all so confusing sometimes to put labels on things. but i think whats important is that i have an attachment to her that is sometimes on the unhealthy side, but our relationship remains stable because we both put in the work to make it that way despite my unhealthy attachment.

we went to a cafe and i talked a lot about therapy, which was nice, she's a psychology major so she loves hearing about me and my disorder and my therapy, and she's also really insightful about relationships so she had a lot to add, it was kind of reassuring, but i did also accidentally trigger myself and started talking some very obvious BPD-cognitive-distortion-bullshit about my therapist which was kind of humiliating. she was understanding though— immediately called me out on it. and then suggested we do something else because she could tell it was distressing me.

i fear that i might start becoming emotionally dependent on her again now that my therapist has cut me off. i dont think it would be too bad, because of the stability of our relationship, however i do have feelings about that potential situation, because i dont particularly enjoy being dependent on anybody. it makes me feel guilty and ashamed of myself, and kind of frustrated because i can't seem to just be independent. the concept seems to be totally foreign to me.

i was going to try to hang out with another of my friends today too, but she didnt answer my 15 phone calls, and i kind of split on her too :') im having a rough time right now. idk why im getting so easily triggered all of a sudden.

maybe i just have more emotional vulnerability now? hm. its difficult figuring this kind of stuff out without her, my therapist, i miss her. i need her.

everything just feels kind of empty and hollow without my therapist in my life. like. i know im technically only missing seeing her for 2 days, but theres weeks in between those two days, and those weeks start to feel like years when it's somebody im so dependent on. so i feel like i've lost so much.

M was talking about how its possible my therapist withdrew partly because of how attached i was becoming, and i dont even want to consider that a possibility right now, but i cant stop thinking about it. i dont have control over how attached i become to people, and if thats whats causing her to be so cold towards me— which has been causing me SO much pain— then im gonna be,, idk i'm having a hard time identifying my feelings today. but its essentially telling me that i should be able to stop something i don't have control over in order to have the support that i need. I don't think thats fair.

thats the message im getting from this whole situation anyway though, since it all comes back to an addiction, which I don't have control over.

maybe i just dont deserve mental health support and treatment, i feel like thats just the overall message the universe is trying to convey to me right now. idk what i did to deserve it, but i obviously did something, so ig i should just accept the punishment. nothing i can do about it now.

if my therapist were here she'd call me out on blaming the universe like she always does. but shes not here so she can get fucked. ill stay being delusional if it makes me feel better.

im dissociated as fuck today

- andrew

[black-rosewolf66]

Hiiiii^^

Yeah its me and its one of my shitty writings again..but yeah i still have no life and noone to speak to in real life..so hear me out…

Yesterday…or maybe the day before that🤔hmm or could have been 3days ago i dunno not that it matters but i was having a…you know ✨fun time✨…with an ex married couple and day are cute and i trust them its not our first encounter its just our first lets do something more not just talk…(because clearly im not good at talking we can see why…)

So there i am horny as i am always the first day after my period ended the hell of hell the first day of the worst horny season getting myself mentally ready for the things…and ehh i wasnt prepared for what came like they were playing like seriously they were talking non topic and on topic about things like a cord can be or cant be good for spanking that ass? Like things like chernobyl help i was trying to focus bevause they share great wisdom but if i try to focus on one thing i loose focus of the other so i was batteling my mind and my heart in each of the sweet sweet painly sensations…i was trying to be good and stay in position and accept the pain and feel that tingling but i just couldnt i dont even know if it was because i was too sensitive and they started at a (for me) at a high pain level or….

I was so confused i couldnt let it go…i felt quilty and i know i know…but knowing and feeling is two separate thing…i know i should accept that i dont have the practical years in me i only have what i could have studied on my own…but i was dewastated i looked like the kind of toxic girl who just says everyone can do anything to her because she doesnt have limits and that kinda thing….i felt so toxic so ashamed because i didnt know myself….but they tried to assure me that its like this with everyone..almost every beginer is like me doesnt know anything…i was devasted…i couldnt even focus it just kept on popping in to my mind how the pretty lady said she doesnt wanna do this because shes too worried about me and i hate the feeling of letting others worry about me…it was one hell of a ahit i pulled there…and i just dont know what was that…i never done something like this…i never felt something like this not wanting to submit…or atleast not to the sensation…i was scared of my self…i was scared that maybe they will have the idea that im not enjoying it because of my reactions and….and i kinda wanna do this again show that i can if i want if i do have the feelings if i do geab the moment but…

I was nervous upon meeting the kind lady of the house…i knew her ex husband the gentelman of the house but they were…strange when the ywere together they had that amazing sparkle noone had the dominating aura in themself…it was strange and when i arrived it didnt even take a 5 mins before we started…it was too soon…but i didnt know if it is something i should say something about…like when im scared i wont tell it…im just a beginner and i do believe in the experiences they have its just im unique …or im not like other hungarians i have a weak mentality i have these strange moments when i describe the sensations with colors the feelings with colors because i dont know the perfect word for it…

And well im mostly not into degradation so when i the kind lady was saying things it was kinda well i dont know strange…i know its her way of dominating but i kinda cant help myself believing the words too much taking it upon myself…

Like when they where trying to make me orgasm i was like thats a wasted plan i will be the one to get hurt really badly…and when i was saying no they were telling me first to shut up but the second time they were like what?why?…and i was line stop it and i will tell a whole story for why….but they wasnt so i said it again and then she was like than what do you want would you rather have us beet you again? And i was like wait a second what so i want a cant concentrate i just dont want my muscles to jump i just dont wanna kick you accidently if i loose control in my orgasm i just dont want this side of me to be seen i just dont want this first experience to happen now and i was like…”you know what,yes” and she was like really? And i was like “ yes,please i would rather have that” she was so confused maybe a tiny little bit hurt because she was trying to help me feel good with it and i dont know maybe the husband didnt mention it to her that i dont even like the idea of orgasm anymore…i just let go of having fantasies about having one…but here i was having a big mouth not thinking before saying anything because in the first 5 minutes i was like nope this isnt good eather i feel like its too much for my soul like i dont want it..and shortly after one hit one my ass i jumped on my ass making it hurt more i was like “god im stupid im idiot aw damn my reflexes” and they were like okay now…here is the question should we stop and i was like wait i have to collect my brain from somewhere i think i lost it….yeah better stop it..im terribly sorry but its better if its stopped… im behaving strangely…like one time i almost have an asthma attack the other time im so silent and i only see the darkness im just feel the tinglings and then the other time i feel the sensations too much i cant even control ma face which i hate to show…my real expressions are like seeing a unicorn…it aint gonna happen while im alive…

But help i lived with no regrets up until now and here im collecting a loooooot of regret in just one night…i know i did a lot wrong i was stupid for not being carefull…but i feel like i still made some mistakes i cant see i just cant figure it out and upon seeing them i just cant figure out how should i fix them the next time because i want to have a next time even if my mind my soul doesnt want my body was reacting to it so nicely i cant deny it…i dont want another trauma i wanna have a better experience…but me and the communication even if i know its key its just that im scared i will be wrong if i try to tell something…im scared i will only speak stupid things…

[sludgeguzzler]

look i really dont mind having a pre t body with its little biological quirks but i have a limit and the limit is waking up at 4am with immense pain and a puddle of blood on my bed

[quackisinnit]

Karl, Wilbur, Quackity, and Sapnap with insecure plus-sized s/o

Hello! Can I request some Karl, Wilbur, Quackity and/or Sapnap x insecure plus-sized reader? (They/them), like just hcs if that works?

Notes: if you want more cubby/pus sized s/o content, check out @/cubbity !! they're a mcyt writer dedicated to writing chubby! reader fics. they also have an anime blog if i remember correctly:) also im kinda proud of this:D [divider: puppykei]

Navigation

Karl

oh ho ho

this man would HYPE you up if he ever got the chance

if you ever wore anything that you weren't so sure about/ kinda insecure about

he would shower you with compliments

"What do you mean? You look amazing!"

"I think this looks great Y/n!"

if anyone made fun of you cause of how you look

he would be like

"Thats not very nice >:( they look great, you just can't admit that"

he loves resting on your chest

not in a weird way obviously

just anytime you cuddle, he would always head for you chest

he just finds it comfy:D

if you have stretch marks

get ready to have them kissed

he just loves you so goddamn much

Wilbur

he wouldn't really care

he's just like

"Physical appearance does not matter to me"

so if you're ever insecure,

he's always there

"I think you look nice, don't let anyone tell you otherwise"

if someone is making fun of how you look

they have to get through wilbur first

which is gonna be hard

if you were in his stream

and someone in chat/donated that you were fat (in a derogatory way)

PROTECTIVE WILBUR MODE ON

he would just stare at it for a few seconds out of disbelief cause

'what??? my?? s/o?? is?? so?? attractive???'

but he'd act chill kinda about it

"please dont ever say that again, or else you'll get permantly banned."

if you ever cuddle, he just loves staring at you

you're just so attractive to him

its just too hard for him to not look at you

he likes to cup/hold your cheeks

its just so cute and chubby jshsjs

for stretch marks, he doesn't care

you can't control it and he still loves you

this man is in love<3

Quackity

this man is whipped for you

(is that the right word lol)

or entranced by you

he just loves every part of you

if you start saying things like

"i should lose some weight, i look ugly:("

he would reassure you that you're not ugly at all

"what?? you're perfect!"

like he'd always be there just to reassure you

like if your in a room and looking at yourself in a mirror

he'd just come out of nowhere to compliment you

someone is making fun of you on twitter?

he's there

he makes a serious tweet and everything

maybe even a video

"hey guys, don't make fun of my s/o. it isn't cool nor funny, you're just being an absolute dickhead."

and all the hate towards you would just

disappear

like it never existed

cause he's really intimidating when serious😭

when cuddling

he just loves your stomach and fingers

they're just so cute

he loves laying on your stomach and playing with your fingers

and if you have stretch marks, he loves tracing them

like he places his finger on them and treats them like a maze

(this is from a tiktok i saw a few months ago xjshsj)

Sapnap

he would be a mixture of everyone on this list KSBSJ

his compliments would be pretty creative

"they say disneyland is the happiest place on earth, well clearly they've never been with you"

or sumn like that KSHAJS

or sometimes just normal ones

"you look great:)"

you're getting made fun of?

they better get ready to square up

cause he's gonna fight 'em

"hey, don't say that shit."

"not cool dude😐"

he is a thigh man and you cannot tell me otherwise

he loves laying on them and grabbing them

in a none sexual way ofc

they're so pretty to him

like if he's laying on them

expect them to be kissed

also stretch marks?

loves them too!!

like wilbur, he says things like

"you cant control it. it's beautiful and never be ashamed of them"

like karl, he loves kissing them

he's just like "i can't stop looking at you, you're just to attractive"

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi! so i don’t rlly know how to even phrase this but lately i’ve had a lot of stuff getting worse, none of the “basic” diagnoses i have (like depression and anxiety and stuff) describes it at all. so i’ve started questioning if i maybe have a personality disorder bc it’d all make sense, both the behaviors and how i see the world and why its only getting worse and more noticeable now etc.

i keep finding myself in cluster B PD traits and lately ive been reading more on NPD and i genuinely completely see myself in the description of the covert subtype. i always blame others for everything and am completely unable of accepting or feeling guilt. nothing is ever my fault, its always someone else doing something or provoking me or it’s the way i was raised or it’s because of the system etc. i’m deeply insecure but hate showing any kind of vulnerability. when i’m in a vulnerable position i get ashamed and angry bc i cant stand feeling weak. i often get so angry i do shit that could easily destroy all the relationships i have. i never apologize (unless it’s a situation where i have to in order to save the relationship but still never actually feel sorry) bc that’s showing vulnerability and admitting i’m wrong. i always compare myself with others, i used to think this doesnt apply to me bc i generally don’t care about typical things such as popularity and status as i’ve always been an outcast - and it’s kind of a major part of my identity that i feel different than everyone else (even though its most likely just how i was forced to learn to cope with being excluded), but i’ve come to realize i absolutely do always see myself as “the worst one” in terms of mental health. i can’t stand others talking about their issues bc no you don’t even have it that bad at all, i’m worse. i feel like no one will ever be able to truly understand me bc the majority of people are npcs anyway. no one thinks for themselves, they dont have any self awareness and just do what they’re told. i treat others like shit but still expect them to be nice to me because i deserve it because i’m sick. i deserve more attention from doctors because of how unwell i feel. i should be the one that gets treated first. i obviously never voice these feelings but it makes me so pissed off when i have to wait like i’m never important enough for anyone. like there was this one case when i had to wait longer for my appointment bc some girl came in due to an emergency and all i felt was angry and annoyed and like when is it my turn to get taken seriously?? i completely lack affective empathy and very rarely genuinely care about others. others being sad annoys me and others being happy makes me angry, sometimes even to the point of having homicidal thoughts. i’m envious of pretty much everyone who i consider better off than me. and again i dont mean shit like money or clothes but more like just the ability to be normal, having close friends, being in a relationship, all that stuff i know i’ll never be able to have bc of my mental illnesses. i’ve never been able to form genuine relationships, i do have a few friends but they all mean nothing to me and are just there so i’m not lonely. i’ve never been able to feel love or affection for anyone. and when i think abt it i dont even really want to be like them, i just want to make them suffer. i lie to everyone and only reveal my “true” self when im having a breakdown and basically cant control myself anymore as i have so much suppressed anger inside i sometimes feel like i have to genuinely put effort into stopping myself from physically attacking others; who cares abt words when im that far gone. and even then i later turn it around and make it seem like im just depressed and stuff (which is true, but theres also so much more no one knows about). everyone around me considers me a shy meek polite nice caring person and it just feels so ironic.

idk what to do at this point, genuinely. writing it all down like this makes me sound so fucked up even though i act relatively normal when i’m stable enough. but in reality i feel like on the inside i’m just breaking, i’ve had to turn to drug abuse as its literally the only thing that helps me cope with everything & prevent me from being even more destructive (towards both others and myself) and its making me even more short tempered when im sober and even more paranoid someone’s going to find out and get me in trouble. my therapist knows about it but doesnt do shit. ive been on so many psych meds before but its as if literally nothing ever works on me. like i would never normally seek advice on tumblr out of all places but i thought just maybe i would get understood here as i keep getting just either ignored or insulted on places like reddit (sure jan calling me a psycho is definitely going to help my issues when all i did was fucking ask how to cope with my issues).

sorry abt the wall of text. do you have any advice? ive been going to therapy for years but its all useless. i cant be honest with anyone for pretty obvious reasons. i just really dont feel like living for much longer. but even just acknowledging this ask and not judging me would mean a lot.

I obviously can’t diagnose you, but I will say a LOT of what you said is behaviors that and I other NPDs do, which makes me think that even if you don’t have it, advice and such that is geared towards pwNPD could help you. Unfortunately there isn’t much self-help geared towards pwNPD (I say self-help bc clearly your therapist is not a good therapist for you and I know it would probably be difficult to get a new one), but DBT workbooks are a good place to start. I think they’re technically geared more towards BPD, but they can definitely still help narcissists. Stuff like this is why I hate how much NPD is stigmatized, because we all DO deserve help and we all DON’T deserve to feel like this.

It sounds pretty basic, but are you a part of anything like online NPD/cluster B support groups, ie discord servers? Obviously they’re not a cure-all, but even just being around people who have the same thing and who you don’t have to mask around can help. If you don’t have any I could happily provide some if I can find a public one. Of course, communities like that can be a hit or miss, but it’s definitely at least worth a shot to try to find a group of people who are struggling with the same thing.

Another piece of advice, which might sound completely neurotypical on the surface, is to start journaling or writing down feelings. It might seem like just a small thing but having a place that only you can access where you can talk about things like vulnerability could be a good starting point, because at least you’re admitting it to yourself and getting it out there in some way. Lying to everyone and not being able to show your true self is really exhausting, so having one space that’s yours and yours only where you can learn to be comfortable with being vulnerable — even if it’s just to yourself — is a tiny thing that can work wonders. It doesn’t have to be some super dramatic “dear diary, woe is me” type thing, it can be something as simple as “Today I fucked up, and I know I fucked up, but I still blame xyz, I hate xyz.” That way you’re getting the vulnerable thoughts AND the angry thoughts out there without 1.) hurting others with the angry thoughts or 2.) having to show vulnerabity which would hurt you.

Of course the end goal might be to “unlearn” the behaviors, so to speak, but that can’t be done overnight, and until it is done, it’s better to have a few places to be open, even if it’s just amongst yourself or other pwNPD.

I hope this helped, lmk if you need more advice — and definitely know that you’re not alone, as cheesy as it sounds.