#im a stem major i did this to myself

[def-notagoose]

Biology 👉👈

[sunflowerrboyy]

i think the biggest heartbreak at the moment is just now when i realized i fucked up and chose the wrong major

[1o1percentmilk]

i don't even want to take half my classes that im registered for autumn quarter

[wickizer]

I bombed my Stats exam but I feel good about it?🤡🤡🤡 I saw other people's scores even tho I got an F a couple of people got worse than me🤡🤡.

[just-fandomthings]

day 1 of this med course…39 page syllabus and you need a 95 or higher for an A 🙃

[xoxotaylynn]

daddy’s little girl

summary: chris is always there to help his girlfriend y/n when she needs especially when it comes to her family issues

warnings: family issues, no smut (SORRY) MAJOR FLUFF, crying, underage drinking, alcoholic dad, established relationship, abusive dad

growing up i’ve always been a daddy’s girl, my mom was always jealous. i think it stemmed from her childhood and her dad not being around much, my dad was my best friend but after my mom cheated on him he grew distant and started drinking. he didn’t leave cause apart of him will always love me like he did but he became an alcoholic, that’s when the abuse started. soon my mom left cause she could have an out but she left me with him and i resented her for that. i was in 7th grade when all this happned i didn’t know how to cope, so i stole my fathers drinks, he didn’t notice cause he thought he was just to drink to remember drinking them but i knew. then i went to high school, that’s when i met the triplets they are a year older than but we became best friends, now im 19 there going to be 20 i couldn’t move out right away when i turned 18 i had no money, so i got a job it doesn’t pay well so i’ve been saving i almost have enough to get an apartment, the triplets tried to help especially my boyfriend Chris but i wouldn’t allow it, Chris is the best thing that’s happened to me, we’ve been dating for 2 years now. i was coming home from a morning shift it was around 1:30 pm and i was in my room taking my hair out of my pony tail

“y/n! get your ass down here now!!” my dad yells. he’s drunk i could go down there but it wouldn’t end well, i could stay in here but he’ll probably come looking for me so i force myself down stairs

“hey dad what’s up!” i say not to happy not to mean or sad

“where the fuck have you been!” he yells

“i was at work dad” i have to be careful he’ll think im talking back

“DONT LIE TO ME!” he yells, i flinch “YOU ARE YOU FLINCHING YOU THINK IM GONNA HURT YOU HUH??”

“no i was just surprised by the yelling that’s all” i resisted him, stay calm

“YOU THINK IM GONNA HURT YOU?? OKAY LET ME SHOW YOU HURT” he grabs one of the empty beer cans on the coffee table that’s in the living room and chucks it at me before i can react it hits me in the face

“DAD STOP PLEASE” i beg my face hurts

“NO YOU WANT NE TO HURT YOU SO HURT” he’s marching over to me

“dad no please” i beg, he pushes me and i stumble to the ground

“you’re just a little bitch like you’re mother, A WORTHLESS PEICE OF SHIT AND A FUCKING LIAR” he kicks me in my stomach

“FUCK!” i yell “dad please it’s me you’re little girl!! i’m you’re best friend!!”

he throws his half full beer can at me and it shatters all over me

“clean this fucking mess up” he says before he walks away

i don’t cry not now that will only make things worse, i clean up the glass shards and make sure there’s no beer any where, then i go to the bathroom and clean myself up. i grab a change of clothes and change.

“where the fuck is it!!” i whisper yell to myself, then i find it. my pink Whitney, i start to drink it and it’s about half way full, i set it down and grab my backpack full of things i need for the night already since this happens often and i leave.

as i’m walking down the street with my drink in hand i’m slowly getting drunk. i have no clue where im going just walking, and drinking.

i’ve been walking for what feels like 2 hours but it wasn’t, i check the time and it’s now 3:02 i check my surroundings and i’m near a gas station i go in and grab some more alcohol and some snacks, i finish my Whitney and open the new drink of vodka, i sit in the side of the road with my drink and snacks i eat a small bag of Dorito’s and put the rest of the snacks in my backpack.

“where should i go??” i ask myself checking to see if there’s any hotels near by, there’s one it’s kinda sketchy but it will do. i start walking there and i’m stumbling now, i’m way to drunk to even check in

“fuck what am i gonna do” i slur and laugh at myself “i’m just like my dad”

i sit on the side of the road again and think about the shitty things. i see cars drive by but one of them looks like the triplets car but i convince myself its not. i’m proved wrong when the car comes back and stops, im to drunk to do anything and in still drinking away at my vodka i see a worried chris jump out the car.

“y/n!” he yells i flinch

“stop!” i jump up “stay there” im scared i don’t know why, cause it’s chris i love chris.

“y/n baby please let me help you” he says calmly but worried

“chris..” i start tears are ready to spill out, he slowly makes his way towards me

“i know baby, i know” he wraps his arms around me and starts the rub my back.

“chris why can’t he just love me” im balling into his shoulder

“shhh it’s okay ma let it out” he’s still rubbing my back

“why can’t he just be my dad again” im shaking now with the how bad im crying

“come on let’s go to my house” he says leading me to the car “nick will you get in front”

“yeah” he jumps out and happily gets the car this makes me laugh

“nicks in heaven right now” i tell chris

“yea definitely” he laughs with me

we get into the back and i’m in Chris’s arms again and he’s rubbing my back, we make it to the triplets house in about 10 minutes and chris takes me to his room

“let’s get you cleaned up” he says softly, i nod

“thank you chris” i smile weakly at him

“anything for you baby” he smiles back at me “so tell me what happened”

“i had just gotten home from work and changed i was taking my hair out of my pony tail” i pause

“yea you had a morning shift, and i know how you get headaches when having you’re hair up to long” he adds

“mhm, he tells me for me to get downstairs and u knew it would’ve been worse if i didn’t go so i did.” i’m about to cry again “i shouldn’t have i should’ve hid” some tears spill out

“it’s not you’re fault, it never is” chris rubs my cheek

“then he starts asking me where i was, i told him the truth and he didn’t like that he thought i was lying so..” i pause

“shh take you’re time”

“so.” i pause and sniffle “he throws a beer bottle at my head” i cry

“my poor baby” he wraps his arms around my shoulders

“then he pushes me down and kicks me in my stomach. and lastly he threw another beer bottle at me but that one was half way full” i sob again

“next time don’t drink call me please” he asks me

“yes i will promise” i pull away ana smile at him “can we take a nap?”

“how about first you hop into the shower i’ll get you some clothes then we can nap” he asks

“yea i thinks a shower would be good” i go to start the shower and he gets me clean clothes.

“i got you my blue lyrical lemonade hoodie cause i know that’s you’re favorite, and some basketball shorts cause i know you can’t sleep in pants” he sets it on the counter

“i would be able to sleep in pants on you were a human heater” i laugh

“you know you love me” he kisses me “might wanna brush your teeth to” he laughs

“hey!” i swat his arm and laugh to

i strip my clothes and get into the shower, i have to use chris’s products which sucks but i try to get him good stuff so he’s not using 3 in 1. it was a quick shower because i was exhausted. i dry myself off and change into the clothes.

“babe can you scratch my back” i ask

“yea i guess” he jokes

“yay thank you” i get into bed and wrap my arms around chris so he’ll be able to scratch my back while we cuddle “thank you for everything chris it means a lot i love you” i tell him

“anything for you y/n i love you so much” he starts to scratch my back

“i love you to” i drift off to sleep

sorry this lowkey sucks i was rushing but lmk if u wanna be added to my tags list, hope you enjoyed, sorry i did fluff there’s just like no fluff images and i HATE the ones if wattpad so im trying in here but i have a smut in the makings its gonna be rlly good, better than this at least.

[fiberglassandflowers]

Hey idk if there’s some master post about mbts but if there is may I please ask where and if not could I perhaps humbly request a description because it sounds cool as FUCK

omg yayy okay so there's not a masterpost as of now (though there is a google doc in the works that will probably be. very big) BUT i will try to give a brief rundown. underneath a readmore 👍

OK SO. IN SUMMARY

MARY BELL TOWNSHIP: more like mary bell CLOWNSHIT ha ha. heavy surveillance like everywhere (including in peoples homes. how fun). it's also got some like radiation stuff going on. all the residents are a lil radiation poisoned But it's mostly fine. also the town moves and i dont know why.

VANNIE OVERTURE: based on suburbia overture. the mayor who is a vampire. major control freak. sucks shit. like most of the reason mary bell is the way it is. permasmile swag. has killed before. hates when people are weird freaks and is actively passive aggressive if not outright aggressive.

TRIP LETWO: based on 2econd 2ight 2eer. world's silliestguy contrarian and infamous public nuisance. deeply tortured individual but shes dealing with it i guess. physically cant leave mary bell township. he has too much goddamn lore

LYDIE LAPLACE: based on laplace's angel. so lame. just deeply lame. killed a guy and got kicked out of office building heaven (laplace's inc. id give this its own section but it doesnt really matter all that much). i dont ever think about it unfortunately im sorry women.

MINA BYRD: based on i/me/myself. very sweet very nice. ladybugpilled socialanxietycel. doesnt have a whole lot going on but she is nice im glad shes there. im gonna have a significant relationships section of this but im saying that shes roommates with lia here bc its not really significant otherwise

WALTER LEE: based on ...well, better than the alternative. worlds first cis father to be a butch lesbian. probably a girl but she doesnt know that. weird nostalgia issues so bad his wife left him.

DOTTY LEE: ten years old. strange little girl but i dont really think about it a lot. not much else to say about her really.

LIA CRATES: based on outliars and hyppocrates. her name is pronounced like lie-uh cray-tees not lee-ah crayts. i have to clear this up because i realized most people were wrong LMAO. a little mean but not so much when you get to know her.

WARREN LEARY: based on blackboxwarrior. actually the worst therapist you will EVER meet. isnt even licensed. you book a session with her and she only talks about herself the entire time. constantly referencing a dark and contradictory past.

MARSHA TILLIS: based on marsha, thankk you for the dialectics. slightly better therapist! still not that good. has the spirit of an old man despite being in his 40s. will begin to psychoanalyze your behavior upon the first thirty seconds of knowing you.

NORMAN LEE: based on love, me normally. guy trying really really hard to be a regular guy. has a loooot of problems that stem from this. hugest people pleaser the world has ever known. a little bit offputting. has hair symbolism :-)

MORTIMER: based on memento mori. doesn't have a last name. worlds silliest grim reaper death thing. works in the death division for laplace's inc. lived a pretty normal life. then it died :-(. more here

FERN O'DYNAMIC: based on thermodynamic lawyer. hates his bitch wife (who is a praying mantis for. unknown reasons? will elaborate). just has a lot of anger inside him and doesnt know how to deal with it so he takes it out on other people. he kind of sucks but he's a neat character.

MIRANDA WRIGHT: the person being sung about in thermodynamic lawyer. bug wife (i can blame anything on radiation). she wasnt always a bug she just kinda did that idk. there's not much about her but she's an etymologist.

COTARD LETWO: based on cotard's solution. she has so many problems oh my gooood. deeply lonely person. fascinated with the macabre. its like coping mechanism that makes you worse. im insane about her writing a basic description is so difficult fkdjsfhsjd

RAMONA MCLAREN: based on red moon + hand me my shovel (though the latter was included later on bc it fit her). worlds most intelligent and stupid single celled organism. patheticswag. absolutely batshit insane. attempting to solve the end of the world.

KUIPER SUNSHINE: based on dr sunshine is dead. uh. i dont really know much about her to be honest SORRY... its really silly though + haver of prophetic dreams that she is NOT transparent about. fucks with people a lot just for funsies

COLIN THESIER: based on cover this song. girl who used to be in a band but got kicked out bc of friend drama. survivor of a toxic codependent queer friendship. trying to be a better person bc she used to suck pretty bad unfortunately. a bit more here

theres like a couple more characters but none of them are really important enough to give their own sections. debbie letwo is trip and cotards mom, laplace is the head of laplace's inc, maude is walter's ex wife who left him (heres the scoop on that).

OK NOTABLE CHARACTER DYNAMICS TIME:

VANNIE/NORMAN: norman has been pretending to be a normal dude this whole time + vannie totally fell for it. normans stuck in this friendship bc hes too much of a people pleaser to break it off even though vannie actively drains him emotionally. also he feels validated by vannie thinking hes normal. its so awful im so insane about their dynamic

VANNIE/TRIP: THEY HAAAATE EACH OTHER. their entire core beliefs are at odds (guy who thinks everyone should do their best to conform vs. guy who loves being a weird freak and doing fuck all). their dynamic is honestly pretty simple in comparison but theyre so petty and stupid its insane. if you put them alone in the same room one of them isnt coming out

TRIP/NORMAN: theyre gay together. there's a weird lore thing about the way relationships are handled in mary bell but long story short theres paperwork that has to be filled out if you want to be registered for one and trip thinks its really funny for xem and norman to constantly break up so they'll have to fill out the paperwork because it fucks with vannie. theyre also kind of awful and tragic

WALTER/DOTTY: that is a father and his daughter. walters trying his best and hes doing well but nothing would have been better than just moving out of mary bell township to raise his child.

WALTER/NORMAN: they’re brothers 👍 not much else to say there but they’re cool

WALTER/MAUDE: already linked a more in-depth explanation of their deal but ill summarize it here. maude thought living in mary bell township was really bad for a child (and it is) but since walter has issues about idealizing his childhood he was like "whaaat well i was raised here and im fine" and they fought about it and once it became clear walter wasnt changing his mind maude figured shed just spare herself from all of it. so she left 💯

WARREN/MARSHA: what if the two worst therapists ever were queerplatonic and violated hipaa together. also what if one of them [marsha] was helping the other [warren] because they're on the run from the law. would that be crazy or what

FERN/MIRANDA: actually awful. they really want to divorce but trip and norman keep clogging up the paperwork so theyre on a waiting list forever. their relationship was really good at one point but its not anymore :-( more info here

NORMAN/FERN: fern haaates norman because of the previously mentioned paperwork debacle but normans ass cant deal with the thought of anyone disliking him so hes just been really trying to get on his good side to no avail. also theyre coworkers so its more relevant

MORTIMER/TRIP: man how do i even summarize this one. due to lore reasons that you can read about in the link provided in trips session they have a super weird dynamic present day. or at least on trips end, mortimer is just super friendly to them and it wigs her out.

TRIP/COTARD: OUGUIGHJ. AOAUYFGDSFHSJ. tragic sibliiings. man i dont even know if i can go into this. go here and here if you want to learn more about them. jesus

COTARD/COLIN: frienndsss :-] classic extrovert forcing themselves into introverts life trope a little bit. they play music together and its great. mina's also in their little group but the two of them are closer

KUIPER/RAMONA: have been described by my friend as being "nonromantic freak4freak" and this is true. theyre working together on the end of the world stuff. they also rope cotard into it but thats lore i havent talked much about yet. go here and here for more info about them.

that might??????? be it?????? if there's more ill update it but thats the general basics i think. thank you for being interested and hopefully reading i greatly appreciate it :-)

[askgothamshitty]

Any advice for getting into reading? [Rant-ish sorry]

I had undiagnosed adhd growing up and struggled a lot with reading, but i was always smart enough to get through, so there was never a push to get me help. Eventually, I hit an age when no one really cared anymore, and I got more focused on stem course, so reading just stopped being a priority.

However, now I really do want to get into reading and stuff. I like writing but my work reaks of "this bitch has never touched a book in her life" and all the scenes are very "only fiction they see are movies"

I have spent the past few years trying to get into leisure reading. I tried reading Animal Farm (im not american or anything, literature and english used local works over the more common and popular ones. I just failed english and literature because again just can't read), but it was so confusing and exhausting to get through. I barely got past the first chapter and haven't touched it since. It's rather embarrassing to admit because it's not where I'm stupid, and I have been accused of using "big" words since I was a kid, so a book like that shouldn't be challenging.

I even tried reading comics and Mangas just to get into the feeling of reading words, and I can't even do that. I can't even get through articles sometimes, and it's so embarrassing to admit.

I don't want to be bunch with anti-intellectuals and illiterate comp sci majors because that's not who I am. I am always willing to learn new things and new ideas as long as it doesnt involve the mechanical action of reading, and I can't figure out why that is. I did have parents who made me read, but it would just end with me crying or upset. They had all these great books of classic stories and I would skim through them and lie and said I read them.

I struggle the most with fiction, but I still have bad luck with non-fiction and commentary books. I don't want to spend my life getting info from social media but sometimes staring at a wall while a YouTube essay (from credible essayist) break down complex issues is the best I can do which sucks because I don't want to be that person.

It's annoying to be described as insightful, smart, and brilliant by people when all you do is talk out of your ass. I would like to be able to support my claims and not just speak out of my ass (even if it's normally scarily accurate?)

I do not have ADHD myself but I do have a shot attention span. Try reading in small portions, like a chapter a day. Set goals for yourself, no matter how small. Read stuff you find interesting. And don’t feel ashamed or bad!! Here’s a thread w more ideas:

[rotting-brains]

there is so much misinfo on DID it's shocking. imo it stems from the fact that social media boosts minorities (not in that sense) of the DID community. I mean minorities as in:

possessive switches are really really not half as common as the internet makes us think

the vast majority of systems has low to no commumication, and, as a system who can communicate, commumication is not like hearing voices for me.

black out amnesia is not the only type of amnesia and it is not the most common. grey out amnesia and emotional amnesia are both included as amnesia in the DID diagnostic criteria.

The problem is that singlets see this minority, convince themselves that these fewer people are struggling more, and ends up boosting their content more, leading content of more common and relatable DID experiences to be pushed down and be seen by nobody.

Alternatively, singlets see this minority and assume that they are faking, boosting their content through shock value. This again causes this content to be the most seen by other people with DID who have yet to discover they have it or are coming to terms with it, and since they can't relate to that experience they assume that they dont have DID because they cant see that DID is not like that for most people.

This is in no way, shape or form an attack towards people with DID who have possessive switches more often or mainly struggle with black out amnesia or whose communication is like hearing voices.

We all have different experiences and that is what we fail to remember.

I myself started question having DID for the first time when I was in middle school and was following a creator with DID. This creator only reported their possessive switches and other parts of their DID, like their tourettes symptom holder, that caused singlets to start fake claiming them (cringe culture was at an all time high).

Because I only ever saw their content (im italian and they are the only italian content creator who's a system that ive ever seen. i didnt speak english well in middle school), I believed I could have never possibly had DID. My switches don't look like theirs, our communicating doesn't look like theirs, I didn't experience black out amnesia. Most people's experience doesn't look like theirs and thats okay.

The only ones to blame are the singlets who fake claimed them and boosted their content so much. All they were trying to do was share info about DID.

(another thing that stuck out to fake claimers was that they had more than 200 parts, maybe 500+ i don't remember. i checked their account recently and they figured out they were poly fragmented this whole time, so maybe their experience is more relatable to poly fragmented systems idk)

[neonmeron]

月曜日　2023/9/25

月曜日　2023/9/25

こんにちは！！　みんなは元気？私はまあまあ。

I know I said I would post over the summer but I didn't. ごめん！

この夏は忙しいですが、ちょっとつまらなかった。たくさん働きたり、運転したり、ビデオゲームをした。たくさん原神インパクトをした。原神が一番好きです。

あの���、あまり日本語は勉強しなかった。韓国語と中国語も。仕事の後、疲れていた。ごめんなさい。今学期、がんばりましょう！

あのう、昨日の夜、ご飯を作ったのですが、どろどろでした。おいしくなかった。

I know we're a bit in the semester already but I missed the first two weeks because of some family stuff and I was playing catch up when I got back. i've just been so busy with work, school, clubs, etc. and then i was going through relationship drama, and was pretty depressed due to that and overworking myself BUT I will try my best to summarize what we've learned so far.　自分が大丈夫だ。（と思います。）

The major grammar points we've learned so far are

たい／たがっています

たりする

ほうがいいです

んです

すぎる

～ので

お／ご+verb stem+します

can't forget to mention the crap ton of kanji and vocab we have to learn on the daily 😀

you know the drill.... lets go over the grammar!!

So たいです／たくないですadds on to the verb stem and it means want/desire for something

I want to eat = (私は）食べたい（です）。(were gonna keep things casual)

i want to drink alcohol = お酒を飲みたい。

I want to skip class = 授業(じゅぎょう）をサボりたい。

I want to climb Mt. Fuji = 富士山（ふじさん）に登（のぼ）りたい。

I want to make a cake = ケーキを作りたい。

I dont want to learn Japanese = 日本語を習いたくない。

(for negative sentences, instead of い you put the くない。）it's the same for いadjectives so im not gonna cover it much. I think you guys can figure it out. (I believe in you!)

Pretty simple. ます form but put たい instead. EZ PEEZEE

Similarly is たがっている。 that's used when you talk about what someone else wants. If I remember correctly, my teacher told us that expressing your wants is childish in Japanese culture? I think it was something like that but i'll have to fact check that.

So, Tanaka wants to work at the library. = 田中さんは図書館で働きたがっている。

You set it up as if your about to say たい but instead of い, you say がっている。もっと練習しましょう。

母は写真を撮りたがっている。It seems my mom would like to take a picture. Both the tanaka example and mom example are correct. They pretty much mean the same thing.

Uno mas

山下先生は風邪（かぜ）をひきたがっていない。Prof. Yamashita doesnt want to catch a cold. (i looked online and through every paper I had and none specified if I used いません or some other way so were gonna go with this for now.

Again, easy peasy. Moving on.

次

たりする is used to list events. Its similar to ～て、but て is more like exact events. たり is used to describe things you did without explaining everything, if that makes sense

パリとダブリンに行ったり、買い物をしたりした。= I did things like go to Paris and Dublin and go shopping.

���ーキを作ったり、 本を読んだりした。

たり is in past て form!!

たり implies you did more than JUST going there and shopping. 分かる？instead of たい，you change the い to り and then when you finished the sentence, you can do たりする、たりした、たりします、たりしました、たりするのは／が。。。です～～～ and so forth.

次

ほうがいいです is should/should not do. Its also called “its better to do…”

You should do something: past+ほうがいいです（ね／よ）

You should not do something: present negative+ほうがいいです（ね／よ）

Por ejemplo,

You should not exercise - うんどうしないほうがいいです。

You should sing - 歌ったほうがいいです。

You should no go out tonight - 今夜出かけないほうがいいです。

You should take medicine - くすりを飲んだほうがいいです。

Its kinda confusing cause theres also どっちのほうがいいですか。which we learned last semester but i guess mean the same thing. “Its better if you do xyz”,,,, “which is better?”

We can then pair this up with んです

Lowkey, im an んです hater. Its purpose it to “add emotion”

For present verbs you do dictionary form + んです　ー　食べる＞食べるんです。

For past verbs you do short て form + んです　ー　食べた＞食べたんです。

For positive い adjectives, you simply add the んです after the い。　ー　かわいい＞かわいいんです

For negative present  い adjectives, you negate it normally and then have the んです the ない　ー　かわいくない＞かわいくないんです

For negative past い adjectives you negate it normallly かわいくなかった and simply add the the んです＞かわいくなかったんです。

For な adjectives, you add なんです。元気なんです、好きなんです、にぎやかなんです。

For past な adectives, its just 元気だったんです、すきだったんです、にぎやかだったんです。

The short form of でした.

I feel like its pretty self explanatory.

Lets combine んです and ほうがいいです

A: ああ、あたまがいたいんです…

B：じゃあ、水を飲んだほうがいいです。

See?! Super easy! 

I’m kinda running out of time so I’ll leave it at that for now. I also don't want this to get too long. Next post will have すぎる、～ので、and　お／ご and then after that I’ll finally tell you all about my summer and things happening in my life lately!! I'm so happy to finally be posting again. I've missed you, reader-chan. I finally have someone to talk to TT

じゃあ、また明日！！！＜３

今日の歌はKumi Koda - Guess Who Is Backです。(I remember listening to this song when I was a freshman in highschool. maybe it was middle school...ah, the memories..)

Notice any errors? Lmk!! I always want to fix my mistakes so I can learn better. あ���がとう！

[def-notagoose]

College is so complicated because it's just: I'm so excited to be learning. I feel like an idiot. I'm finally independent. I shouldn't spend any money. I can dress how I want. There are so many people who see me. I'm away from my godawful family. My brother is dealing with the weight of my absence. I am taking classes about things im so interested in. This is so much harder than high school. I want to try my best and do well for my future. If i fail this test, it could end up costing so much money to retake. I'm in honors and taking such hard classes, I should feel proud. I have so much to lose. I have a fantastic scholarship. It could go away in a second. I'm so much happier. Everything has more dire consequences than ever before.

[brainzzzeater]

I’m having a hard time understanding a lot about this conflict. Today, in the USA (Chicago Illinois, San Francisco California, and in New York) Pro-Palestinian activists decided to block the bridges to prevent people from entering or leaving. As a result, people waited for a minimum of 5 hours before the bridge was completely opened for them to cross. I’ve been reading stories of people who were transporting stem cells, sick people, etc who weren’t able to make it out.

According to the protestors, their goal was to cause an “economic blockade” by causing everyone to not be able to go anywhere

Shockingly a lot of Palestinians were supporting this saying that inconveniencing Americans is a good way to bring light to the situation happening in Gaza. I’ve even had some say that the few lives that were lost because of this were “fine” because it’s for the cause. I don’t want to believe that everyone is this cruel, so I will give my thought generally speaking.

I’m not an expert on these things, I don’t know much so im just using logic. Joe Biden is not the supreme authority over Israel. So let’s say that the USA stops sending aid to Israel completely. Let’s say they cut ties. Where will the protesting end up then? Will it move to another country who may support Israel? The way I see it is, Israeli government is going to do what it wants to do whether America sends it money or not.

Secondly, why is it that Americans have to suffer for what we cannot control? Blocking the bridge did nothing for the people in control. They were comfortably in their homes, meanwhile working mothers and fathers lost job time because of this. People have children to feed. How is what’s happening in Gaza somehow the fault of innocent civilians?

This act today was just cruel and my heart hurt because of it. I in no way am turning a blind eye to the suffering of those in Israel, whether that be Israeli or Palestinian. But at some point we really have to think about where our actions will take us. I’m curious to know if anyone is sharing the same thoughts as I am. Again, I am not educated on the conflict to where I can speak confidently about it 100%, im just looking at this from a logical standpoint.

Not sure why this question was asked to me but I’ll do my best to answer you as simply as I can put it. I try my best to keep myself informed every day about the genocide in Gaza and protest/boycotts occurring here in the United States.

Yes it absolutely was an economic blockade, because it disrupted a small section of the economy in major cities in the United States.

It isn’t shocking to hear Palestinians are happy to see major protests coming from Americans. In fact, I’m sure they see it as a beacon of hope that the main country funding the genocide in Gaza is not being supported by many of their own citizens. I have personally not heard anyone say that it was “fine” for lives being lost in the blockades. Though I will say it is saddening to hear that that happened, and I send my best wishes to those affected by the loss of this people.

If or when the United States stops sending Billions of dollars to Israel, no the protests will not stop. There are many countries that still hold protests despite their own government supporting Palestinians as well. The difference is HOW the protests are conducted. The reason they are more disruptive here in America is because we want to show the government that we do not stand behind them in the decision they are making to continue supporting Israel.

You are right. The protest did not directly/immediately affect any of the politicians or millionaires in the country. But one thing to know about our own economy is that it is extremely fragile. And the government HATES when we go out of our way to disrupt the order of “peace” they have kept around us. Protests, as we have all hopefully learned in any history class, are very successful ways to bring great change to the issues they are tackling with determination from the participants. In the grand scheme of things, the majority of Americans will NEVER suffer the way the majority of Palestinian families have suffered. Every single day there are entire bloodlines being murdered, children being sniped, innocent people literally being BLOWN UP. It would be selfish to turn a blind eye to what is happening to them.

Living in America fucking sucks. With the way things are going politically, if you are not a white cisgendered heterosexual man you will be targeted by your own government. The capitalist society built around us is so suffocating and draining that we are being worked to the grave. So a lot of people, including yourself, wonder why should I have to put the work in if it doesn’t effect me?

To that all I have to say is. I care about people. I have sympathy. Just because I will suffer does not mean I will not fight for others. I wish I could do more than just spread awareness, and give more of the little money I have. Sometimes all people can do is block a bridge and shout till their throats are soar to do ANYTHING to help innocent lives across the sea. And that is better than nothing.

[whatudowhennooneseesyou]

hi ruby!! i've been catching up on your blog and all the drama that is apparently going on with some of these anons.... and i just have to say..... if all this is stemming from your post trying to start a conversation about what a person might do in a relationship where one person wants to be childless and the other doesn't..... this is truly ridiculous

i think it's great that you started this conversation. i'm about to turn 30 and have been in my relationship for almost a decade, which may reveal my identity here a bit to readers who know me, but given how angry people get about this topic i'd like to stay anon.

essentially i've known from a young age that i never want children. it's one of the first things i talked about with my partner early on in our relationship and i made it clear that if he was going to want children we shouldn't waste time being in a long term relationship to have this be an impasse later on. interestingly he wasn't sure back then, but he was honest and told me he was more of an 80% no / 20% maybe, and at the time that was good enough for me. i totally understand that people don't always know when they're 20 what they're going to want when they're 30+, so i just made sure to tell him openly where i was at and to tell me if his mind changed.

over the past 10 years he's decided he doesn't want kids either, so it worked out, but if he ever said he did either back then or now.... that would be it. genuinely there's no working it out over that, one person is making a very large life concession and it should be okay to talk about that. for me, i was never going to allow myself to change a fundamental belief just because my current partner wanted it, and no matter how much i love him.... how would compromising myself and bringing children into that space make our relationship any better? it just wouldn't.

honestly the other thing too is that most of the time when i say that i am childless by choice and don't want children, the response i get from most people is shock and sometimes disgust. in a professional setting people treat me like a kid because of it, and my opinions are often invalidated by women around me who do have children or want children. it's frankly exhausting, and i'm not going to apologize for myself or my beliefs any further. i'm just glad i have a partner who is with me on this, because that part is a lot easier and less stressful.

anyways this turned into a bit of a tangent, but just wanted to say i'm glad you started a conversation about this, it's a good one to have. i think the anons calling you passive aggressive or rude or whatever have likely never been on the receiving end of some of these comments that are frankly rude and infantalizing.

Hello my fellow anon!

Yes, that is exactly where the hate comments are stemming from.

Because I asked about what would happen if one partner wants to be childless and the other doesn't.

Babe, I'm more than happy for you to stay private and anon on here but if you want to have a more 'intimate' conversation, don't be afraid to DM me, our conversation will stay secret.

Please, im going to be having more conversations like this in the future, don't be afraid to send in more anon asks and talk with me more.

I completely agree and understand about it being a huge life concession and one that you can't return from.

I believe it can also come from the old mindset that children can 'save' a relationship or prevent one from crumbling and it just doesn't- it simply doesn't.

I don't think it's selfish for you to end a relationship because you want children.

I don't think it's selfish for you to end a relationship because you don't want children.

They are both great points for why 'sometimes love just isn't enough'.

And then it's hateful anon comments that fuel the anxiety of women who want to be child-free because you're right, majority of the criticism we get by choosing not to have children, is from other women.

When I receive comments like 'oh you'll change your mind' and 'why don't you want to have kids? You should because you're a woman'

Its like we are unworthy of our own femininity and we can't be 'nurturing' if we don't have children.

Which is complete nonsense because the fics we write??

That's us being nurturing.

The smut, comfort, the safe space (as much as we can make it safe) we have on here.

That is us using our 'feminine' selves and being 'nurturing'.

So; thank you for your support!!

That was a great point you made!

[abyssalpriest]

A mostly personal diary entry but stems from talking w Lev

nsft + SA mention but the majority of it isnt about that. Under read more for length

I was talking to Lev last night about energy, specifically we were talking about. well. the fact that hes one of like two people including spirits now I can be physically near without wanting to throw up with fear for Trauma Reasons, and we were figuring out how to talk about sexual things without me having a, you know, meltdown because it was a Night. The suggestion came up where i think it was him who asked to speak about it through energy, basically both of us were trying to understand what the hell it is i need when im having A Time...

The exact context of it being sexual things is relevant context to me saying he specifically had this dome of distance between the energy he was speaking through and me, which in itself i think is energy (absence is an energy), but either way he was very specifically projecting "im not touching you and you can see where my energy/words are at all times in case I betray that trust, you will know", which left the conversation as like.. This sort of inverted snowglobe type thing where I was watching day-blue swirling energy above me. I wont go into what was communicated mostly because I was actually outside my body in the astral while he was possessing my body, so its hard to remember I mean, but.

It was really interesting, honestly, the whole discussion i mean including post-talking-through-energy. Mostly for the personal reasons of... Holy shit, Im right when i say "i work with and understand and love energy more than anything else". I felt like I could finally just understand what he was saying, i felt what it must feel like to not be fuckin Autistic because it wasn't just hollow words and expressions that make everything sound and feel like everyone hates me, doesnt want to be around me, etc. I didnt have to ask for clarifications for every damn thing of "do you mean that?" "did i do something wrong?" "are you mad at me?" because the conversation actually Felt like something. I felt like i was hearing something and not just having to react to ordered words. I could feel that we werent just talking but communicating, I could hear him, it was like ive been living in black and white and suddenly i was seeing the whole "colours" thing everyone talks about - not overwhelming, not new, just clear, full, like the very rare times once a year i stop dissociating and its not hyperreal its just Real.

I really struggle a lot with being incarnated because this world is so black and white, like lines on an architect's paper insinuating buildings as opposed to actually being 3D buildings, people are so linear, its... Very disorienting and... Im not going to say borderline-violating because I have to recognise im having a lot of difficulties atm seeing any sort of being near me or looking at or interacting w me as being uhhhhhhhh violating, i know thats just a trauma reaction to actual violation, but its very oppressive, ill say, to constantly have the world being so sticky, still, sedated-body-esque in how slow and unresponsive it is to my natural movement. Its like im either sedated moving through nothingness, or its oppressively unchanging, the presence and physicality and touch of the laws of physics here are just maddening. This plane is fucking weird. I often think though that im the problem, that im just insane ie it must just be part n parcel of being schizotypal, that i need to "get over myself" and just "accept" that im human and im not actually out of place i just want to be, because i keep wanting it to be that easy. I keep thinking its just i want to be somewhere else and therefore i feel alien so i should just learn to love being here and ill feel "normal", or i feel alien and therefore i want to be somewhere else so when i fit in ill "get over it", but no, listening to Leviathan talking to me like that, i didnt feel like i was fulfilling a wish IE making myself Feel like it was natural because i want to be Special, or "becoming" something different, i just felt like I finally was being interacted with. I felt like i used to feel meeting other australians where i was like "holy shit, we are real? im not just 'different' and 'bad at being irish' but 'australian living overseas'?" Its not that i need to interact with things and so i go off trying to find something fun to interact with, its that this plane doesnt speak my language, humans dont speak my language, etc, i DONT get interacted with not because im not trying hard enough to be present, but because im autistic, schizotypal, and those amplify my 'psychic' for lack of a better term abilities which just.... No, im not being a pain in the ass, selfish, purposely putting myself out of place bc i want attention. I actually AM right when i say i understand energy more than reality - for this and many other reasons.

Ive just been extremely lonely this lifetime for a lot of reasons even when spirits are right there speaking to me, the people I understand most, but the thing is im only recently after getting autism in my head as relevant to me after a life of thinking I wasnt on the spectrum... Of course i need to say im not giving up on this world, but understanding its not my fault and that there ARE things that CAN communicate with me really helps me start to understand how to actually find what i need. Im so sick of trying to fit in with this plane, so sick of pretending to be something that I am only because of outer physical appearance I have no control over and isnt an expression of my conscious mind/self, but getting confirmation its biologically in-built into me to be out of place here and not just a Skill Issue actually helps me because now i know how to start getting what i need. Im tenacious, I can live a thousand years in exile here if i know how to work my environment, but i have been at its unforgiving whims for so damn long now thinking I just deserved to be hated (instead of thinking maybe people dont hate me they just cant communicate that with me) and i shouldnt be here (instead of maybe I'm just carrying a lot of my unincarnated selves' connection to their planes) and ill never connect with anyone (instead of understanding i need to be communicated with in a certain way, and since i dont have a drive to have a community or many friends i can absolutely thrive with only getting this communication from a few people and just Playing Human with the rest)

Anyway. it dived into talking briefly about energy itself... Im still not at the stage of being taught yet where I could give actual thoughts with this, but he mentioned before how on the cross ("+") model of reality, Mental on the left, Material on the right, Reality is that middle vertical line... well one part as we see it (so when you look around physically, thats mostly experienced reality we'll say for lack of a term) is on the middle line (vaguely placed since what we see as this "reality" is multiple things) along with the energetic reality...? And he said before that energy is... subjective? Cant remember the details sorry. When I type these things up i get actual quotes and reference actual notes, this isnt official, but the way he was saying it was effectively "nope, energy is entirely subjective" even when i was like "hold on, but when people see things like 'the energy of the moon', i know they have different opinions on what theyre feeling but they still feel that something is there even if they disagree what it is"... Effectively what was brought up in the conversation was that energy is like language, specifically in regards to something I said in the notes on this post here about how humans arent meant to be seen as just flesh, language is used as natural skin or decoration - hence energy being a natural form of communication of the world makes that sentiment make sense... Humans and pretty much all beings use something as a medium between Mental and Physical to communicate whether its body language, writing, etc, or more so really what im saying is that the intermediary between Mental and Material is communication. like. reality frequently is described as language by both Lev and Hermes (and they dont agree on everything and the things they have resonant opinions on are often either spoken about in different terms or symbolism or have different perspectives), and so im like oh energy is another language of existence? but with the 'purpose' so to speak of communicating? Or being the medium of communication? which i guess now that i say that im reaaalllly understanding why i know im not ready to talk about this, that doesnt make sense, all reality is about communicating... but i definitely have another piece of the puzzle that when i put it together ill have an ACTUAL picture

[the-hilda-librarians-wife]

Carpe Diem - Chapter 6

Pairing: Sketchbook (Kaisa/Johanna)

Summary: Carpe diem: one of the five latim mottos of the arcadist, or neoclassical movement. Literally translates to "seize the day"

Picking up where Locus Amoenus left off, this fic follows the lives of Kaisa and Johanna for a couple weeks as their feelings grow and develop. Updated weekly (hiatus is over!!)

Notes: I’m sorry, but I just can’t bring myself to name a human “Alfur” 😭😭 so Alfred it is, I hope it’s not too weird

Exclusive real life picture of Kaisa and Victoria talking: https://itsinkwell.tumblr.com/post/691989113483788288/has-this-been-done-yet

Read it on ao3 or read the first installment on this verse or read the second installment on this verse  

Texting while walking was an art.

It was, unfortunately, not one that Kaisa mastered.

Can you meet me in the stems cafe?, she wrote as she made her way out of her lecture room, trying and failing to dodge the swarms of students still tired from the weekend while she did so.

Her phone beeped in a few short seconds, and still moving, she read the notification on her locked screen.

Vic Van Gay:“rn?”

“If you’re free, yeah.”

“k, meet me in 5” 

Kaisa put her phone away in her pocket again, making not the usual path she traced towards the front exit on Monday afternoons, but taking a turn at the corridor that would lead her down the stairs where she could head to the STEMs buildings. Before she got much further, the phone buzzed again.

Vic Van Gay: dont u want to go to your cafe though? im not too close to either so its all the same to me

Her reply was a brief ‘No.’, though she didn’t tell her the reasons. She wouldn’t need to, anyway, as soon as she filled Victoria in on what was going on she’d understand why Kaisa didn’t want to have that conversation somewhere she could find acquaintances at.

She climbed down the stairs, arriving at the ground floor where she was greeted by the sight of the humanities garden; it was just the sort of thing she didn’t need to have to deal with right now.

As if to add insult to injury, an all too familiar face was there, on one of the stone benches that surrounded the garden. Johanna was talking to someone else who Kaisa didn’t recognize, a man with tidy blond hair. Given that he had his back to her, Kaisa couldn’t make out any of his features, but even sitting down the guy looked so tiny she was willing to bet he was shorter than even her. Looking at him standing side by side with Johanna must be hilarious, she thought.

Even though her instinct told her to not be bold and avoid giving herself any chances to say something weird, or stupid, or even worse, <em>honest</em>, Kaisa couldn’t help trying to catch Johanna’s eye as she walked by and giving her a smile and a little wave of her hand that wasn’t holding her notebook. That turned out to be a mistake, because as soon as Johanna’s face turned from her companion to Kaisa, the polite and pensive expression on her face melted into a shining smile, and she gestured for her to come closer.

Kaisa had been helpless to do anything but, of course, and soon was being introduced to ‘Alfred’, who she learned was a friend of Johanna’s and an International Relationships major. When she tried to excuse herself as politely as she could, Johanna allowed her to go easily after a warm squeeze of her hand and a confirmation that they’d do their weekly meeting the following day.

As she walked away from that interaction, Kaisa felt the need to let her hair fall around her face to hide her glowing blush. This was ridiculous. She wasn’t a teenager anymore, but no part of her treacherous body seemed to be aware of that, least of all her heart. The more she interacted with Johanna, the further she felt herself fall.

Since they began talking more and Kaisa had started seeing her more like a person than another student she needed to outperform, paying attention to her had been a direct road to becoming fascinated with Johanna. Everything about her was a wonder, especially how out of so many people, she chose to be around her.

It wasn’t even only spending time with her. It had taken her a while to notice, but now that she did it was stark clear that Johanna wasn’t as bright with other people as she was with her. There was something melancholic just beneath her skin, something that she now knew the roots of, but still it never stopped Johanna from having fun and showing the people around her her love and appreciation. She wasn’t all bright smiles and cheerful comments all the time, even if she was still mostly so around Kaisa (or maybe that was just Kaisa’s rose-tinted, heart shaped glasses). Even if she couldn’t control being happy all the time, she could control whether to show affection and warmth to those around her however she could, so she always chose to.

Kaisa had thought Johanna was summer, when in fact, she was autumn. Her contact name on Kaisa’s cellphone still read ‘Golden’, but rather than feeling inaccurate or simplistic, it felt truer than ever now that she’d peeled more layers from the girl than she would ever have imagined she would. She wasn’t a golden retriever, but she was definitely golden. A golden sunset. The golden leaves on the trees. Golden honey on a sugary pastry. Golden flames on a fireplace. The golden, liquid warmth that took over Kaisa’s chest whenever she was near. 

Shit, she was really deep in this.

                                                    ……… 

When Victoria arrived at the cafeteria situated just outside the Physics and Mathematics building, Kaisa had already grabbed them a table, and was eating out of a bag of chips while she read over the notes she’d taken from her earlier lecture.

“You know you’ll probably get more nutrients if you throw all the chips in the bin and eat the package, right?” Was how she announced her arrival when she’d stopped right by Kaisa’s side and the girl still hadn’t acknowledged her presence.

“Bold of you to assume I’m making an effort to survive any longer.”

“Oh, same.” Victoria dug into the packet and grabbed a fistful of the snacks, then moving to sit down right in front of her. “So, what’s this surprise meeting about?”

No time for exchanging meaningless niceties between them. They were both terrible with small talk, so it was usually much easier to just cut to the point.

“Breathe a word of this to anyone and I’ll personally kill you, but…” If the ending of that sentence had been any different, Victoria would have protested about being pointlessly threatened when Kaisa had been the one to call her here in the first place, but she didn’t have the chance, because the next words she heard were enough to freeze her. “There's this girl. I think I like her.”

The professor could do nothing other than stare at her for a beat, only realising that she’d opened her mouth in surprise when Kaisa’s face started looking annoyed. It wasn’t that she hadn’t thought Kaisa was capable of it or anything, it was just that at their third year of friendship, Victoria had already lost hope that she would do age appropriate things, like acting like a stupid college student for once.

“Well, make a move!” She exclaimed, raising her hands in pleading once she processed this new development. “What are you waiting for?”

“I don’t want to ruin our friendship.” The paper package in which her straw had been was being ripped into constantly smaller pieces by Kaisa’s uneasy hands. “We have something nice between us. I don’t want to spoil it.”

Saying it was ‘nice’ was the understatement of the century. It was probably the best thing that Kaisa had ever had in her life that wasn’t her family. And even then, Johanna was each day closer to her mother and sister in the podium of her heart. It was weird, it hadn’t been long since they met but it already felt like she was family too.

“I mean,” Victoria said after chewing on a mouthful of her stolen chips. “If you’re respectful, and she really is your friend, admitting you have feelings for her won’t end the friendship if she doesn’t return your feelings.”

Kaisa wished it were an ‘if’ problem. Even if Johanna had been kind enough to befriend her and seemed to, for some reason, actually enjoy her company, there was no way in this world or in any other that she’d feel the same. Johanna was just on a whole other level, and even if she didn’t act like she was superior, certainly she had to be aware of it. After all that they had shared with each other, she didn’t have any doubts that Johanna would let her down slowly, and would be oh-so-kind about it if she ever were foolish enough to confess. But in the end, there was no way to know if she really wouldn’t make Johanna uncomfortable in the process, and she wasn’t sure she’d be able to stand that. What if she decided she didn’t want a friendship where she had to constantly worry about the nature of the other person’s feelings? Kaisa could say all of this, but instead she chose to raise her eyebrows and use her bitchiest tone of voice.

“Is that why you’re still pining silently for Birgitta?”

Victoria gasped in indignation, bringing her palm (the one that wasn’t still holding chips) down on the table. “That’s totally different! We’re colleagues, it would be too awkward afterwards!”

“Yeah, right.” Rolling her eyes fondly, Kaisa thought about how it was just fair that Victoria would have to stand her lovestruck self now, after she’d had to read through so many self pitying texts about not being able to go after the woman Victoria liked. “Birgitta sounds like she’s too good for you, anyway.”

“Gosh, you’re such a jerk. I don’t even know why I try to help you. You’re lucky I don’t grade anything of yours.”

Making some strands of her hair stick out in odd angles after running a hand through it, Kaisa sighed.

“Am I, though? I’m having the most stressful time at a seminar. The one I met this girl in, actually. No matter what I do, the professor refuses to give me a full grade on my essays.” She saw Victoria give her an exasperated look, and added. “And I know it’s not one of those professors who never gives a ten, there are other students who are getting them.”

“Oh, really?” Even if she probably wouldn’t know any professor from outside of the STEMs division of the university, Victoria decided it was probably the polite thing to ask. Besides, gossip travelled far sometimes. Maybe the name would be related to some other, random piece of information she’d acquired by chance. “Who is that?”

“Professor Abigail Lyman, English department.”

Pensively, Victoria nodded. She knew fully well that Kaisa had no need for perfect scores on every subject all the time like the girl seemed to think, but something else had caught her attention. Just after she befriended Kaisa in her freshman year, she’d done her best to try and find the culprit for spreading those awful rumours about her, and had come up empty handed. But in her research about the board of evaluators who dealt with the matter of student scholarships, she was certain she’d come across that surname. This could be just a case of Kaisa stressing too much after a discipline that wasn’t supposed to be aced either way. But it could also be that she herself had unknowingly given Victoria a clue.

Either way, there was nothing she could do with that supposition right at that moment, so their conversation turned to other topics. It turned out neither of them did much outside of stressing about that university, so the dialogue was a constant positive feedback loop of hating academia and lesbian longing. The infallible sign of a worthwhile friendship.

Before long, they had to come to terms that they had more to do in their lives other than lounge around in the cafeteria eating questionable food. Victoria had to go back to her underfunded lab and Kaisa had a long walk home before she could revise her subjects and do other normal person things, like taking a bath and scrolling mindlessly through tumblr until she realised she’d have to stay up until midnight if she wanted to hit her daily study goals.

The girl scrunched her chips packet into a ball and threw it in the bin along with her cold hibiscus tea bottle, while her friend picked up the coffee stained cup that she ordered at one point and put it by the counter for one of the workers to take back to the kitchen.

As they were leaving, a melody Kaisa had come to recognize began playing on the speakers. She’d blocked out the music coming from them during their stay, choosing to ignore it, but this one was too familiar for it to not register on her mind. It was a melancholic, electronic melody, and the first words came shortly.

It only hurts this much right now

Was what I was thinking

The whole time…

It was all she could do to bite back a grunt while they were paying for what they had consumed. This was one of the songs in the considerably sized list of music she’d been listening to nonstop simply because Johanna liked them, and they reminded Kaisa of her. 

Well, not simply that. Since Saturday Labyrinth had been constantly on her headphones for the insufferable reason that it now struck too close to her heart. She left the cafeteria behind with wide and confident steps, but the song stayed with her no matter what she did to try and shake it off, taunting her and seemingly permeating the very air around her so that it was breathed into her lungs, and then found its way to her heart.

Uh oh, I’m falling in love

On no, I’m falling in love

Again…

[nanithethottie]

001

It's been a long day. But that long day stemmed from many long days before it. That were apart of long weeks. And long years. And just a very long fucking time.

I don't know where I'm going to go with this, but I hope it gets me somewhere. I figured that if I don't know where I'm at and definitely have no clue the place I'm headed, the least I can do is try and make sense of where I know I was. Or at least what I can remember of it.

I think it's time to unpack it. You know, I'm trying to figure out a lot if shit. So. Much. Shit. I've had this idea to write about it for a while. It seems like the only thing I ever really knew how to do.

So basically I was told I was a good writer growing up. I felt that too. Like, I felt like I was a good writer just like they told me I was. My mom always begged me to do it. But I didn't want to. There were times I felt closer to it, even taking a chance at it. I did some poetry shit. It was kinda helpful. Fell out of it just as quick as I fell in. The most I've done in recent time was journal. I've journaled throughout my life, even though I tell myself I don't like to. But I don't know, I don't know what I like to do. I think thats why I'm here. I'm trying to figure it out. Maybe this will help. I like typing because sometimes I'm too lazy for a pen and paper. And something about having a secret tumblr blog feels so cunty. Enough rambling!!!! Damn!!!

Hey hey hey hey heyyyyyyy I am [redacted] and this is going to be a great story. As I stated, I don't know what the fuck I'm here for but atleast I have a story to tell. And when I say I don't know why I'm here, I know I don't feel that hopeless. Like hopeless in the way that I'm living for nothing. I really feel like I'm living for something. I just don't know what that something is but I really do want to find it.

Y'all, I'm gonna keep it so real and say why I'm typing this. Here's how my day went. I was sad as fuck going through a heartbreak that is gonna change my fucking life. Like I'm sitting here writing this like DAMN this shit hurt. Every time I think about it I feel this deep pit in my chest. Its deeeeeepppp. I'm trying to be real throughout the pain and keep it lighthearted to stop myself from feeling it but let me stop doing that. IM HURTING. Im in so much pain right now. This is the kind of pain that eats at you. That weighs on you. That makes your heart feel like it'll stop at any second. That gut-wrenching, soul-shattering feeling. But you'll hear why along the way. That's gonna be a huge part of the story that will probably be mentioned in each segment. It's a really important part. I made this account so I can feel safe somewhere.

I feel like God is with me, I just don't know how to reach God. I think I do. But I feel connected but lost at the same time. I can't really explain that feeling. Part of me wants to stop rushing the feeling of getting better. That's why I'm writing this I guess. Just trying to break things down and understand them better for myself.

Reality is starting to catch up to me. My life is starting to change in so many major ways. I know this to be inevitable, and I also know that I have a decision to make. I heard a pastor once say "you can be pitiful, or powerful". Anxiety be tearing up my fucking life. And I have a long of unfounded stress that makes me feel like shit is all over. It always lived with me. I'm trying to work through it. And stop believing that shit is pointless. Because at the same time I feel like I'm meant for so much out of this life. But now I'm 21. I'm getting ready to graduate. and so much shit is hitting the fan.

The least I can do is write about it.