#im SO happy to be off college so i can draw whatever i want; expect more art from me for the next couple months :3

[1dklikesthings]

THE EARTH IS ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!! 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

does anyone else remember johns earth power move. yk the one where he gets someone else to be really pissed off. what if the earth he was referring to was volcano goddess. is this anything

(volcano goddess designs under cut)

i like to think that she has both a more human form and a more volcano-ey form :3c

[hubbytaeil]

hello! i've been into taeil lately, so i was thinking about requesting him with prompts 46, 55, and 93, if possible. thank you in advance! 🌝💛

Taeil + #46 What’s this between us?, #55 Ruin me, #93 Don’t tell your parents

genre: angst, friends to lovers to strangers(?)

word count: 1k7 (this is taeil’s fault I swear)

warnings: smoking, slightly suggestive

a/n: now im s a d lol, this is what happens after bing watching sex and the city

-ˏˋ⋆ ̥  prompts ( send in your requests if you want <3)

This could be a dream, and yet it feels more like a nightmare. When you walked into your go-to bar, like you always do every other Friday, Taeil was the last person on Earth you thought you’d run into. The place is packed and certainly there isn’t enough space for you to run away and hide so you decide to just stand next to the counter with your friends, hoping he doesn’t come up to you.  

“Well, look who it is.” your blood freezes in your veins. You turn around in your heels slowly, preparing yourself for what you should say. “Hi, it’s been a long time.” You had broken up with him years ago and you hadn’t seen him after that. You knew that he was working for some corporate in the city but that was it. You had never run into him, not even once. To be fair, you had pictured how your eventual meeting would’ve turned out many times before, however all your fantasies can’t exceed this exact moment. Talking to him feels unreal, like being teleported back in time, a time before responsibilities, anxieties and fears. “You’ve grown taller, I see.” Taeil looks up at you pointing at your shoes. You hear your friends giggling behind you. “And you haven’t lost your sense of humour.” “That’s my only charm, you know that.” He swings his gin tonic in a circle before taking a sip. “C’mon, we both know that’s not true.” You reply gently tapping your fingers on your glass of Chardonnay. It’s definitely hard to keep eye contact, something is keeping your eyes glued to the counter. Taeil can feel it too, as he adjusts his tie.  

Fifteen years ago

“What do you mean you broke my mother’s favourite vase?!” “Exactly what it means, y/n. Oh God, please don’t tell your parents.” “Well, I’m not taking the blame again! Why the hell did you bring your football inside the house?!” “I’m sorry-” “That’s it, I’m never inviting you to my birthday party ever again.”

Those were the kind of fights you would have; you were only thirteen, life had only just begun.  

The days were filled with stupid notes passed during Math class, making fun of each other at lunchtime, eating ice scream at the park. If anyone could’ve ever been your first love, it would’ve been Taeil. You joined the music club just to spend more time with him, but you never said a word on the matter. You have such a clear memory of sitting through hours of rehearsals just to hear him play the piano. It was just a mere crush, you thought, it would fade away eventually. Yet, even now, every time you hear someone playing the piano you are taken back to that sweaty auditorium, you are taken back to the first time ever you had ever felt anything for someone. You are taken back to him.

“Do you still play?” you ask after letting your friends exchange pleasantries with Taeil, introducing him as an ‘old friend’. Inevitably, when one of the tables was cleared, they asked him to join in along with his friends.  

“Sometimes, not as much as I used to. Do you still sing?” Taeil mocks you and you cover your eyes in embarrassment. “Oh God, no.” Your conversation reaches the ears of everyone at the table. “Y/n, you didn’t tell you could sing!” “It was a school thing, I was awful.” An echo of disapproval invades your ears. “Don’t believe her!” Taeil shouts slapping a hand on the hard wood as if to prove his point. You go on saying how Taeil plays the piano magnificently to shift the centre of attention.  

The night goes on between a few drinking games and ridiculous anecdotes about college. Suddenly you ask Taeil if he’d like to accompany you outside to smoke a cigarette. “Since when do you smoke?” he questions, his tone is not judgmental in any way. “I don’t really smoke...” you begin to answer as you try to light up the cigarette. A gentle wind is blowing so Taeil helps by cupping the lighter, you thank him with a nod. “...only when I drink.” you finish after inhaling. Taeil raises an eyebrow in disbelief before pulling out a pack from his pocket. “I guess that makes two of us.” You start to grin and you find yourself unable to stop. “What it is?” “Nothing.” you respond as your grin transform into a full-on laughter. Taeil glances at you and finally gets on the same track as you and joins you. “Man, we’re old.” he exclaims taking a deep draw. “I guess.” “But you haven’t changed much since I last saw you.” You mean when I dumped you. You shut down the little voice of guilt. “Really? I don’t think so...” “You’re still gorgeous.” all of a sudden, the atmosphere is heavier.  

Ten years ago

“I think I’m love with you, y/n.” Taeil told you after making love for the first time. You stared at him in disbelief, unable to wrap your head around the concept of someone loving you back, more than anything your middle school friend who you had known for so long. Even after confessing to him your feelings, him saying he felt the same, all your friends congratulating you because they knew you two would’ve ended up together, you still couldn't believe you were holding the boy of your dreams right in your arms. But when you’re eighteen it’s hard to accept love, even if we long for it with such ache. For a while, you two had your share of fairy tale. For instance, when he kissed you on the first New Year’s Eve you spent as a couple in a square full of people. The fireworks reflected in his eyes but you ardently affirmed how those were in fact stars.  

So where did you go wrong? Why did what you had grow cold one day? During college you realised something was off. You thought the distance between you and your boyfriend Taeil couldn't jeopardise your relationship. However, as time went by, the physical distance slowly became emotional as well, you two being so invested in your lives.There lied the problem, you were starting to lead different lives. The few times you two could meet it didn’t feel genuine, you were trying to act like the people you once were. But those two were mere ghosts at that point.  

“Taeil, what’s this between us? "During the Christmas break of your senior year, you finally sat down with him to have the so dreaded discussion. It went on for hours, but Taeil wouldn't hear any of that. “No, I don’t believe this.” “Taeil, we’ve changed. Everything’s changed and I don’t know if we can go on like this. I don’t want to ruin your life by chaining you up to me.” “Ruin me, I don’t care.” It was like running in circles. The fight burned out eventually, leaving you two exhausted. You both looked up and you knew. “So, it’s over?” you nodded, unable to come up with an answer. He asked you if he could walk you up to your car one last time and you let him. “You know I’m going to win you back one day, right?” Taeil had tears in his eyes but he managed to smile at you. “We’ll see.”

It’s getting late and the bar is slowly emptying. Your friends begin to take off as well, leaving you and Taeil alone. “Do you want to share a cab, y/n?” “Oh, no thanks. I live just five minutes away.” “Oh.” Taeil hesitates before speaking out again. “If you want, I can walk with you. Only if you want.” “That would be nice.” your answer is sincere, not only because you’re kind of scared of walking alone at night, but because you want to keep talking to Taeil. You want to hear about everything you’ve missed, anything at all.  

You start walking side by side into the night, two pair of hands in your respective pockets. Taeil makes fun of the weird noise your heels make when hitting the sidewalk. “Oh, shut up! You’re just jealous!” “Yeah, you’re right. Do you have an extra pair? I could use the few inches.” It definitely doesn’t feel like chasing ghosts anymore. No, you’re just two childhood friends picking up where you’ve left off.

“Okay, I’m going to pop out the big question.” “Shoot.” “Are you seeing anyone?” you knew it was coming, sooner or later. You run through your possible answers and decide that there’s no point in lying. “Absolutely not.” Taeil assumes a shocked expression. “Why so categorical?” he chuckles. “It’s just... I haven’t had much luck.” You go on, counting down mentally how much time you have before you reach your door. “Good.” Taeil says point-blank. You glare at him not expecting him to call you out like that. “Excuse me?” “That means karma is real.” You both burst out laughing yet again. “What about you, mister Karma? Are you dating anyone?” Taeil stays silence for a bit before looking at you dead in the eye. “Absolutely fucking not.”  

“Well, this is it.” You point at your door with you finger. Now you’re both facing each other in front of the stairs. You’ve reached the endgame, and you’re dying to see how all of this will end. “This was nice, y/n.” “It really was.” another break of silence and you feel your heart giving in. You know you both want to say something, yet it feels impossible to make the first step. “Is it okay if-” Taeil stops mid-sentence which sticks a dagger in your chest. “Yes?” you barely whisper, anticipating whatever he’s going to say. “Is it okay if we see each other again? I mean, not as... but as friends. Is that alright?” Those words bring you a kind of happiness you never thought could be felt again. You take a good look at your old friend. His eyes still sparkle and you thank whoever it is that brought him back to you. “I think we can arrange that.” You don’t what’ll happen next, but it doesn’t scare you. In the air there’s a feeling of expectation which you breath in as you walk up the stairs to your door. “Y/n!” you turn around immediately, Taeil is about to get inside a cab. “Remember what I told you!” and just like that you watch him disappear into the night. This scene somehow looks familiar.

Can it be that It was all so simple then? Or has time re-written every line? If we had the chance to do it all again Tell me, would we? Could we?

[jeonjeonggukenergy]

hey!! could you tell me how you did to make your fics gain more readers? i just made a new tumblr and i want to start posting my oneshots too but i need to grow my acc first and i don't know how i love your writing 💜

oh hi thank you so much for loving my writing, that's so sweet and encouraging! ❣️ so a lottt of finding an audience on here depends on luck, especially with tumblr being so glitchy with tagging lately, but there are a few things you can do to try and find more readers - one is to use hashtags, even though the tagging system is glitchy/imperfect it can help ur work get to new people who have never seen ur blog. i recommend finding popular fics for the member ur writing for and using a similar list of hashtags to what they use, or just whatever else is relevant to ur fic like "#bts college au" or "#dom jungkook". also this is embarrassing bc i was prob the only one who didn't know this HAHA but when i first posted a fic (ch 1 of anti-hero) i used all the tags but it got 0 notes for like, hours so i was disappointed at first but then i found out u need to go in to the "visibility" tab of ur blog settings and make sure both of these are switched OFF:

so i took it down and reposted with the same tags and immediately got more notes lololol.

also, make sure ur description and banner look professional (and if ur using a header gif, make sure the creator allows reposts and give credit, or make ur own) and ur summary is engaging to draw readers in if they see ur fic on their dash!

beyond those basics, i really recommend joining author networks to meet other authors and get a new audience for your work from the network page as well as any new friends u make in the network! a great way to find networks is to check the page of more established authors u love and see which networks they're part of, then apply! and i almost don't like saying this as advice for this ask bc i reach out just to give feedback and make friends, not to try and get more readers for my own work, but a great way to get to know more authors and hype up each other's work is to just send them a comment, an ask, or reblog their fics with feedback about why u love them! i guarantee u all authors appreciate this so much (just like u sending me this ask! made me smile) and i've met such sweet people from commenting on their fics or from them commenting on mine, and it's just a nice thing to do 🥰 the more interactive u are, the more likely u are to find mutuals who u both love and support each other's work! i've honestly been pretty ia lately and not been responding to much (sorry 😅) bc im so busy rn but just try to put out good energy and u will hopefully get it back. honestly, ik it can be discouraging not to have a large audience or get a lot of notes/feedback but the #1 advice i have is to try not to depend on the online validation and go in with zero expectations, that way you'll always be pleasantly surprised! i'm so happy and grateful for every note i get and having a chill attitude towards writing vs intentionally trying to grow an audience/platform helps so much to keep it fun and avoid burnout. i'm sorry this ended up so long haha, hope it was helpful and lmk when u end up posting ur writing bc i'd love to read it! ❣️

[jtrbluv]

misunderstood (bonus!)

pairing: jungkook x reader

genre: fluff, crack

warnings: swearing

word count: about 1k

summary: what started as an immature bet soon spirals out of control in ways he could never imagine. what was he gonna do? she’s all that!au

A/N: LOL this wasn’t the original plan. after rereading my story i figured out that I COMPLETELY TOOK OUT A PART on accident and i’m sad because i liked this part and IM SO DUMB. this was originally supposed to be in pt. 3. haha hi tho welcome if you’re new here :-) (i found the poem online and thought it was fitting, creds go to the original author)

FINALE

A swarm of thoughts and ideas had flooded your mind as you constantly thought about the series of events that have unfolded recently. So you did what you knew how to do best, write. You suddenly heard the door open as you shouted, not taking your eyes off your journal,

“No one can come down here.”

“I’m not no one, I’m Jungkook!” he joked, scanning the basement.

Papers and pictures littered the walls as he read some of your work, it was in fact really good.

“Our death is in the cool of night

Our life is in the pool of day

The darkness glows, I’m drowning

The day has tired with light

Over my head in leaves grown deep

Sings the young nightingale

It only sings of love there,

I hear it in my sleep”

Next to the poem was a picture of you and your mom from when you were a young child.

You wore a plaid pink dress and black ballet shoes. Your mom had beautiful black hair that stopped just above her shoulders. And she had big brown eyes and wore big black specs just like you.

You and your mom had an unquestionable resemblance that became even clearer as you had gotten older. Your adorable younger self smiled back at Jungkook, eyes big and smile beaming so brightly. A smile that indicated the life of a young child, a life full of happiness and wonder, dreams and hopes and desires. All in a single smile. A rare sight to see from you. The more he looked at it, the more he can spot the resemblance between you and the picture. He knew the little girl still resided within you, he just had to figure out how to get it out.

Jungkook, stop thinking so much. Do what you came here to do.

“Is this you and your mom?” he asked you, holding up the picture.

“Yes, she enjoyed a different art form. Photography.” you reveal, a small grin spreading across your face.

“She’s really beautiful.” he speaks softly, being cautious of his words

“Yeah, too bad I have my dad genes, huh.” you tease as he shakes his head in disagreement, smiling.

“How did she die, if you don’t mind telling me?” he softly asks, his eyes full of sympathy in understanding. The more you got to know Jungkook, the more you realized how different he actually is then how he portrays himself.

“A drunk driver. She died on impact. The weird thing is. I don’t remember getting emotional or crying about it at all. I remember hearing the news, and going to the funeral, but-”

“You need to stop shutting everyone out Y/N,” he says bluntly, “It’s not good for you, and it won’t benefit you later on. It all builds up in the back of your head until it becomes to much and it all comes for you.” he interrupts you, voice full of concern.

‘Hey, at least I can make up my mind.” you spit, looking up at him.

“I can too, what do you mean?”

“Where are you going to college Jungkook?” your question throws him off. He didn’t expect to hear that today. Especially from you, out of all people.

“I was in the office delivering papers and I believe I saw your name next to the word ‘undecided’. What’s up with that? Is there something you’re hiding from me?” you question him, as he looked down at his shoes, not giving you an answer.

“You wouldn’t understand.” he denied, shaking his head.

“Then explain it to me.”

“My dad went to Yale for law school. He’s always told me how those years has shaped him into the person he is today. He’s always wanted me to follow his footsteps and become a lawyer just like him,” he pauses, sighing, “but then I realized, I don’t want that. All my life, I’ve had my own passion for singing and drawing, but I never told anyone. He would absolutely kill me if I wasn’t taking the career path he wanted, especially this. He’s been bothering so much lately about my future, when all he actually wants me to do is to follow whatever he thinks my future should be.”

“Jungkook, don’t you realize what’s in front of you? You’ve been given all these opportunities, and they literally all lay in the palm of your hand. You could go to Julliard become a broadway star, go to the Royal School of Arts and become a comic, for fuck’s sake you can go to Fiji and study about spinner dolphins-”

“Okay, Y/N, I get it!” he stops you, holding your shoulders tightly as he chuckles to himself. He thought you were irritated with him, but your suggestions proved him otherwise.

“You’re more than capable enough to make your own decisions. It is your life after all, not anyone else’s.” you finish off with a timid smile, scratching your head.

“You should start following your own advice sometime, huh.” he suggests, raising his eyebrows.

“I’ve been working on it.” you mumble with a light chuckle, “So, why did you come here in the first place Jungkook.” you asked as you looked back at him. His eyes stared deeply into yours, you couldn’t quite read what exactly his eyes were telling you, but everything took a quick turn as he slowly started to lean in. Your breath hitches as your eyes widen in complete shock. You could smell the cologne he was wearing, see the little scar on his left cheek, until you quickly interrupted it all,

“Were you trying to get my vote for Prom King?” you ask him, as he quickly pulls back.

“Oh, um look at the time, I gotta go.” the whole situation between you and him was getting out of hand. This stupid ass bet. All this time he’s spent on you has made him realize that you meant more to him, and he can’t handle treating you like this, he had just nominated you for prom queen damn it. How the hell was he gonna break the news to you after he would win the bet?

“Why all of a sudden?” you ask him, knowing he was lying, but deciding to play along anyway.

“I have to um, mow the lawn for my dad.” he lied.

“Right now?” you tilt your head in confusion.

“I’ll text you later.” he assured you running back up the stairs to leave your house.

“You better.” you chuckled to yourself.

Is he hiding something from me?

-

-

-

MASTERLIST

[clownbeep]

This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

.

.

.

.

.

.

Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

I

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..

[itsbuckysworld]

HELLO SPRING DAY 5

Pairing: Astronomy Student!Bucky X Psych Major!Reader Category: College AU! Warnings: fluff bomb! Word Count: 2.6K Guest Appearance: very very very briefly Steef Rawgers

i know i said no writing two prompts in one day but im doing so to catch up because as the “host” of this event I feel like I should be up to date. 

I REALLY LIKE THIS ONE!

Day 5: Starry Night, for my Spring Short Story Writing Event

“Sorry!” Someone says, startling you out of your calm state. It’s 9pm and you’re lying on a blanket at the top of a tall hill in the park. The spot you had claimed as yours since the past week, where you come to relax and just breathe after long days. You always had a thing for laying down in the great outdoors to sort of unwind and let your body and mind breathe, and suddenly, there was a slight interruption, a bump of something hard and metallic against your outstretched leg. Opening one eye, clearly annoyed, you look to the intruder.

It’s a guy you’ve never seen before, his sweatpants hanging a little low on his hips and his short hair is messily pulled back as he circles clumsily around you looking up to the sky, bothering only slightly not to run you over with his… whatever he’s carrying. You sit up and notice his equipment, the heavy looking backpack, the small briefcase and the telescope he’s trying his hardest to set up. You deduce that’s what bumped into your leg as the guy continues to ignore your laying frame. He’s wearing glasses and he fixes them rashly, his face clean shaven and young.

You’re about to ask him to leave you alone and tell him this was your spot, as if you could claim a section of the public park, but he doesn’t let you begin when he’s crouching and looking through the lense excitedly, quickly reaching into his bag to take notes.

“Uhh, excuse me?” You start but he’s too busy looking at whatever he’s looking at, squinting through the tiny hole, to even chance a glance at you. In fact he shushes you as he takes his eye off the lease to scribble something hastily.

You give him a glare behind his back and scoot over closer to him “Hello! I was here first!” The guy all but whines. 

“I’m sorry, I’m just… I’m trying to work on my thesis”

Thesis? This guy couldn’t be much older than you. What? 23 tops? And he was working on his thesis? You notice all the scattered books that have flown out of his backpack in his frenzy to study the sky. Astronomy, Physics, The universe and us, A brief history of time.

After sitting there confused for a few seconds he finally addresses you, once more apologizing as his fingers maniacally tremble and play with the frames on his face. He’s shy, excitable, and giddy, almost reminds you of a puppy or a toddler, seeing the world for the first time, as he explains he’s an astronomy major, a freshman like you, and since day one he’s decided to study and try to catch patterns in the night sky and stars in a yearly basis, but first he had to find a spot that would allow him so, to sit and examine almost on the daily to grab the correct data. This, the tallest hill of the park – your spot to relax – was it.

“Well –“ you begin, sassily and brushing imaginary dust off your legs – “this was my relaxing spot first” you state matter-of-factly, returning to lay down as if claiming your territory and expecting him to pack up and leave but all he does is stare at you bitting his lip, and then he shrugs with a smile slowly creeping in. “I won’t interrupt you…” he says and you can tell he’s already made up his mind, he’s not leaving your spot. “Would you mind sharing your spot with me every now and then?” And you eye him with one eye open, head resting on the palms of your hands, you sigh closing your eyes and extending one hand towards him. “Y/N” “James”

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“Turn your music down” James, or well, Bucky as you’ve grown to call him over the months, now almost a year, tells you as he squints and spies on the specs of stardust in the dark sky through his telescope. You’re listening to some albums your creative writing teacher recommended for the upcoming months – your favorite elective so far, guaranteed – With a quick roll of your eyes you oblige, ticking the down button on his computer and returning to taking notes on your notebook as you lay on your tummy, using your free hand to push some of your now shorter hair away from your eyes as the breeze fluttered it around. 

“Find any new constellations worth naming after your sister?” “Nope” Bucky chuckles, and reaches to grab a sandwich from the picnic basket you’ve brought for the day without glancing away from the telescope “Not yet… Pass me my B chart?”

You don’t take your eyes away from your book as you reach over to his backpack and pull out a thick roll of paper he’s tried to explain to you over and over but it always goes over your head, every single dot is a star that you can’t place whenever you look up, and you think it’s a superpower of his, how he finds exactly the constellation he’s looking for – In his eyes, your superpower is how you easily know every single song and band from the 70’s.

You continue like this for a little longer, and later when you start to yawn, Bucky is right there with you and you both pack up in complete sync as he finishes his sandwich and sends a text to his roommate, the two of you walking together down a few blocks. His slight stubble and thicker frames adorning his face, different than when you’d first met. “See you tomorrow?” “Can’t, have this event to attend to, extra credit” “Wow, look at you needing extra credit” “Shut up. Friday?” “Sure, your turn to make sandwiches”

And then you go your separate ways.

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“Wait, the box with like... the- the triangle on top?” “Yes! yes! Ok, now now, do you see Cassiopeia?” he leans over you from behind, clapping excitedly. “Now you’re asking for too much” you lean back and sit away from the telescope in a fit of laughter that Bucky joins in. His now long hair is pushed back into a bun, away from his eyes, but a few strands adorn his face, and he’s changed his frames a second time this year, these ones you like way better, not so thick as the ones he used to have last year and not wonky like the ones he just switched out of.

He’s looking at you through them, appreciating how the new glasses are so clean and pristine he can see you perfectly through them and he enjoys the view.

His phone chirps on the blanket you’re both sat on, right next to the familiar picnic basket you’d bought all those years ago. It’s Steve, FaceTiming him. You greet him as well, he’s now your friend too, and you’re trying your best to see if you come up on the video despite it being so dark out. “Oh, you’re in your spot” he says it, almost mockingly, given he’s always found it kinda funny how you’ve both grown to call this your spot. This patch of grass at the park was yours and Bucky’s to keep. “Whatcha need punk?” Bucky doesn’t want him to keep mentioning their spot like that, specially because Steve always does it in this tone that sounds like he’s saying I told you so, you’re blind if you can’t see you’re head over heels for her. 

Bucky doesn’t want to talk about that or bring anything that could indicate to that, certainly not in front of you. “Think you took my car keys, idiot, I’m stranded at the apartment.” Bucky curses under his breath. “They’re at your place” he says looking to you and you shrug, it’s no big deal, you can swing by and get them on your way back, after all, Bucky was done stargazing for the night and you were done Bucky-gazing as well.

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“You nervous?” It’s a chilly spring night when you lay on your back on the red and white checkered blanket, looking at the stars, with Bucky next to you laying in the opposite direction. This time around there’s no telescopes, no mess of notebooks strewn around you, and Bucky just tosses a ball up into the air and back into his hands, over and over as you just take in the night. You can’t remember the last time your spot was used for just relaxing. Surely, it’s happened many times over the course of the years, but these past months were filled with nothing but stress, which is exactly where your question comes from. 

“For my thesis presentation?” He asks, turning slightly to face you. You’re upside down in his eyes but still way too pretty through his contacts – a fact you’re not so happy about him no longer having the dark frames adorning his face, you’d grown quite used to it, but you’re glad he at least chose clear contacts, means his eyes are the same vibrant blue, and he’s kept the beard despite going back to a shorter haircut, which is altogether a nice new look – You nod. “Almost crapping my pants” a nervous chuckle leaving his plump lips, and you laugh wholeheartedly. “You’ve got this in the bag. Been at it since you were a freshmen, if someone knows how the stars dance over new york city on a yearly basis, it’s you” “And you too” “Well I’m flattered you think this silly ol’ psych major has been understanding a single word you’ve said about time and space” this causes him to laugh out loud now, a little more at ease.

The breeze hits your face and you close your eyes, letting it consume you and relax your bones. Bucky can only stare from the corner of his eye. He’s thankful for whatever combination of events lead the both of you here and now, and there’s a smile he can’t contain, suddenly drawing itself on his features.

“That lab internship write back?” You continue with your eyes closed. You hear it in his sigh the answer is no, and your hand blindly but gently reaches over to scratch at his scalp in a soothing way, however you can. He likes it when you do that, really calms him down. “They’re missing out.” There’s a tenderness in your voice as you turn to look at him. You mean it, whoever is not giving him their time of day must be insane. He’s worth his weight in gold and more. “The idiots that refused your proposal last week are missing out too, big time” his hand reaches over to push a strand of hair back from your face and your smile is warm and so is your face and every place his fingers graze, getting a dorky smile out of you. You catch a small glimpse of the star pendant on his bracelet, you’d gifted it to him long ago and he’s had it close ever since.

There’s a silence that envelops the two of you, a kind you’ve experienced before during all those years. Whenever he was deep in thought analyzing bright specs in the sky behind the clouds, or whenever you were reading too intensely into some case study, there was always silence. The kind that screamed how well you two could coexist and be perfectly content with each other.

“Look” you say, and point away from him, up and to the left. “Ursa minor”

Bucky looks and immediately bursts into surprised laughter. “Oh my god! It took me four years but you finally can find Ursa Minor on your own without a telescope!” He’s short of clapping amusedly. You push at him almost making him roll away down the hill some and calling him a jerk as his laughter calms down and he repositions his body to a sitting position. It doesn’t take you long to join him, the both of you facing the rest of the park over your hill

Looking at the time you know it’s late, usually the two of you are packed up by the time midnight rolls around, but just for tonight you’d rather stay and enjoy the company under the bright light of the stars. Bucky points somewhere in the distance, probably another constellation you can’t name, except, because he’s a great teacher – you’ll remind him later that he should look into that teaching position Professor Ruffalo had suggested – you can now recognize some shapes and this is definitely not a constellation he’s told you about before.

He traces the outs of it, just five stars that almost make the shape of a heart if you squint hard enough. “Discovered a new constellation” “Did you now?” You glance at him, taking in his features and how he slowly looks back at you, time seeming like it’s stopped, even though Bucky knows that’s impossible. The pull you have on him is comparable to that of a black hole, except you’re so bright it burns, and it’s continued to burn through the years ever since that day his old telescope almost broke because he was too busy trying to stop you from tripping down the hill, not that it was insanely dangerous, it’s just you were – are – insanely important, and he realized you were it for him. With all the star and space puns you’d googled just for him, and with your crazy theories about people’s minds and your unwavering dedication to everything you did. “… yeah…” came out of him barely above a whisper. He’s been jokingly discovering constellations with you since his sophomore year, and you found it even more charming every time. Lost in his eyes, you’re only slightly aware that you’ve cupped his face in your hand and now the tip of his nose has met the tip of your nose and it’s a nano second before his lips have met yours and you’re melting into him, allowing him to take your breath away, and being hypnotized by his always minty breath.

It takes a lot in him to stop kissing you, but he has to pull back to breathe and make sure it’s all real and not just another dream. He can barely separate from you though, just enough that he can breathe and mutter some words to you, but you’re there, so so close, just how he wants to keep you. He’s tired of looking at stars that are damn far away, so it’s nice to see one so up close. “Would it be too corny if I said I named that new constellation after you” he murmurs, just above a whisper, and you giggle, pressing your forehead to his. “yeah.” And you shrug as if saying you don’t care. “kinda cute tho” “you like cute” it’s more of an affirmation, he knows you too well by now. The two of you basically eskimo kiss through the short hushed conversation. “i love cute” “noted” He’s smiling, breathlessly as he closes the distance and kisses you again and again and again. It makes the spot – your spot – unforgettable, and even more so when a year and a half down the road he’s on one knee right there, promising you the stars as you assure him he’s already given you the whole sky.

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feedback is greatly appreciated and encouraged!! I REALLY LIKED THIS ONE HOPE YOU DO TOO. I feel like this could have been a fic, like all the days i skipped? wow. Or their life after they marry? cuteeeee

[itsshortfurball20]

Percy Jackson, The Avenger

Summary: Percy has an encounter with Nick Fury. A year later, he’s being called on to help protect the world… again. He’s not alone in this Avengers Initiative. A genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist; a super soldier; a green scientist; a Norse god; and two secret agents. What could go wrong? 

1 2 

This chapter has 2, 389 words

3 – American Idols and Pirates

“So not only did you think it was a good idea to idea to promise to fight for a secret organization, even though they had just threatened to keep you locked up if you didn’t agree to their terms, but you hid it from me? For a year?”

“Well when you put it like that…”

Percy had told the entire story to his mom and Annabeth, with his mom interrupting and asking questions. After finishing, Sally gave him a hug and told him that she understood that saving the world came first before leaving to intercept Paul who had walked back in, leading him into the kitchen. That left a very nervous Percy and an angered Annabeth in the living room.

It was only after Percy’s mom had left did Annabeth start chewing him out. He hated being yelled at by his girlfriend, but her anger was justified. Percy tried to hold his ground under Annabeth’s piercing glare, but eventually, he folded.

“’When I put it like that’,” she repeated, not fully believing her boyfriend. “How were you putting it then? Were you putting it as the thing you didn’t want to tell Annabeth about because it’s not like she wouldn’t help.”

“It wasn’t like that—” Percy tried to tell her, but Annabeth was nowhere near done.

“Percy, something like this isn’t something you should keep to yourself.”

“I know that, but—”

“But what?” Annabeth had her arms crossed. “What reason did you have that you couldn’t tell me about this.”

The son of Poseidon looked down at the ground, scuffing his shoe against the floor. “You were happy.”

Annabeth paused, mouth mid-open. She closed it, before asking, “What?”

Percy looked up at her. “You were happy. Simple as that. Back at college, in New Rome, you’re happy. You love it there, and it’s because you don’t worry about fighting anymore. And after everything we’ve been through—the Titan war, Gaea, Tartarus—you deserve a little peace and happiness.” Percy grabbed her hands, gently holding them. “And before you even ask, you’re not coming.”

Annabeth let out a noise of protest. “Percy, you can’t decide that for me.”

“Wise girl, please.” Percy pulled out his baby seal eyes. “This isn’t a request. I don’t know what I’m up against here, but I would feel better knowing that you’re here with my mom and Paul. Help watch over Estelle.”

“Percy, you can’t expect me to sit here while you're out there doing gods knows what.” She pulled her hands from Percy’s and crossed her arms. “I’m coming.”

“No,” Percy said with a tone of finality. He could see Annabeth wasn’t going to let this go any time soon and would eventually worm her way into coming if this continued on. “Another reason I didn’t tell you about SHIELD was because I knew you’d want to get involved in some way. I don’t know a lot about these people, but I know they’re just not the type to let anyone walk away. Just look at me, I owe them a favor and it doesn’t take a genius to realize that this isn’t going to end here.”

The dark-haired demigod watched the gears turn in his girlfriend’s brain, analyzing the situation before them. She huffed, pushing her curly blonde hair behind her ear. “You know, sometimes I’m surprised you managed to graduate from kindergarten.”

“I have an associate degree in marine biology if you want to see.”

Annabeth didn’t smile, just wrapped Percy in a big hug. “I don’t like this,” she whispered.

“I didn’t expect you too.”

“I can’t believe you’re actually going.”

Percy’s arms tightened, drawing her in closer. “I don’t have a choice.”

“This has to be one of your worst ideas. And there’s a lot to pick from,” she teased.

The son of Poseidon smiled, starting with a small grin before chuckling. “Yeah, I guess I deserve that.” He watched as Annabeth’s eyes drifted towards the packet on the table.

“I wonder what can make a government agency so scared that they feel the need to contact you.” Annabeth mused. She looked back up at Percy, like he might know the answer.

“Whatever it is, it’s nothing good.”

\~*~/

The next morning, Percy felt the dread in his stomach build. He had packed the night before, thinking he’d need to leave right away, but to his surprise found, after flicking through the packet, that the meeting time was 10 the next morning.

Percy had a duffel bag packed with all the essentials; clothes, armor, toiletries, and duct tape. He didn’t have to check to know that Riptide was in his pocket. His hand slipped into his pocket and started to fiddle with the pen, the familiar gesture calming him down some. He glanced over at Annabeth while his mom went over the list one last time.

“You have extra clothes?”

“Yes.”

“Drachmas to IM us?”

“In my wallet.”

“Deodorant?”

“Mom,” Percy stopped her from continuing. “I’m good. It’ll only be a couple days. Hopefully.” Sally didn’t look impressed. “I’ll be back as soon as I can, promise.” Percy gave his mom a hug, who embraced it.

“Please be careful,” she asked him. Sally let go of him, getting one good last look at his face before letting Paul say goodbye.

“Hey, Paul, take care,” Percy told him, giving him a hug. Paul gave him a pat on the back, before letting go.

“I should be saying that to you. Come back,” Paul said before leaving him and Annabeth to say their goodbyes.

The air was tense, the two still reeling from their little argument. “I want regular updates,” Annabeth ordered. “And don’t do anything stupid. I prefer my boyfriend to be alive.”

Percy nodded. “Got it,” He paused for a second, wondering if he could kiss her goodbye. Taking a step, he gave her a quick kiss, pulling away before Annabeth could fully realize what was happening. “Love you,” he told her. “And I’m sorry.”

“I know,” Annabeth said. “Come back soon.”

Percy looked at his family, minus Estelle who was still sleeping this early in the morning. With a final wave, he picked up his duffel bag and head for the door.

As soon as the door closed behind him, his shoulders slumped. He hadn’t gotten much sleep last night. There had been too much tossing and turning and worries plaguing his mind to get any sleep. A couple of seconds passed before Percy took a deep breath and pushed himself off the wall. He headed towards the elevator, where he would take a taxi over to Montauk.

Then he would swim to the strange coordinates that led to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

\~*~/

Percy’s waterproof watch showed that the time was 10:06 by the time he arrived at the coordinates. His head poked above the water, having already seen the hulking ship from under the water. It was just as impressive above.

Huge propellers, four of them, sat in the water unmoving. Percy thought it was a little strange how, above water, there was almost nothing until he noticed a plane land. He realized that it was a runway as he saw other planes up there.

The demigod also noticed people running around. Figuring that this was his destination, he propelled himself forward with the water currents. The water carried him clear to the ship. At the edge, Percy willed the water to lift him up and plop him on the deck.

Not many people took notice of the twenty-year-old as he looked around. The only person who looked at him was a red-headed woman, who didn’t seem all that surprised to see the man appear from the water. Or if she did, she hid it well.

The woman strolled over to where Percy was watching the crew run around, preparing the ship for takeoff. Standing behind him, she spooked the demigod when she spoke. “You’re late.”

Percy spun around, one hand going for his pocket before realizing that there was no threat. The woman raised her eyebrow. Percy felt as he was on display as the woman briefly scanned him. Remembering what the woman had said, the demigod gave a sheepish smile. “Yeah, sorry about that. I didn’t want to come.”

The woman said nothing, instead turning around and walking away. “Follow me,” she called behind. Percy picked up his duffel bag and headed after her. “I’m going to introduce you to the rest of the team.”

They walked toward a plane that had just landed. The ramp was lowering. Two men walked out, the first one Percy recognized as the same agent who had shown up at his house, Agent Coulson. The second man looked familiar, but Percy couldn’t place it. He looked like he the perfect American Idol—neat blond hair, button-down shirt, and a leather jacket.

“Ah, Percy,” Agent Coulson greeted. “This is Agent Romanoff,” he gestured to the red-headed woman. “And this is Captain Steve Rogers.”

“Hi,” Percy gave a small wave to the newly introduced people. The Captain gave a wave back, looking from him to Coulson confusedly. Agent Romanoff ignored Percy’s wave.

“They need you on the bridge. They’re starting the face-trace.” She told Coulson.

“See you there.”

Coulson walked off, leaving the three by themselves. Agent Romanoff wandered off, leaving Captain Rogers and Percy to follow behind (again).

“It was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice.” The agent spoke to Steve. “I thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet?”

“Trading cards?” Captain Rogers asked.

“Captain America?” Percy asked at the same time.

The two looked at one another. Captain Rogers held up his hand. “Please, just Steve.” He turned back to Agent Romanoff. “And what trading cards?”

“They’re vintage, he’s very proud.”

Percy saw a man spinning around in circles, trying not to bump into the workers crowding the area. Steve noticed him too, calling out, “Dr. Banner.” The man turned, noticing them. Looking grateful, he walked over to their small-but-growing group. Steve and Dr. Banner shook hands.

“Oh, yeah. Hi. They told me you’d be coming.” Dr. Banner glanced Steve over. His eyes then shifted over to Percy. “And you must be the demigod.”

“Uh, yeah,” Percy said. “Name’s Percy.” He held out his hand for the older man to shake. The demigod was slowly realizing that he should’ve read the packet a little more before coming because he knew little about the people who surrounded him were, but they clearly knew about him.

“Word is you can find the cube,” Steve said, helping break the awkward silence that had been beginning to fall.

Banner looked nervous. “Is that the only word on me?”

“Only word I care about.”

“Hang on, what cube?”

Three sets of eyes turned to him. “Did you read the packet?” Steve asked him.

“I skimmed it,” Percy admitted. “Reading isn’t my strong suit.”

“We can talk about it later.” Agent Romanoff stepped forward. “Gentlemen, you may wanna step inside in a minute. It’s gonna get a little hard to breathe.”

The ship started to creak and beep as various parts started moving, preparing the ship to get ready. Steve looked around, something akin to amazement on his face. “Is this a submarine?”

“Really?” Banner asked. “They want me in a submerged pressurized metal container?”

Percy, Steve, and Banner stepped closer to the edge to see the four propellers started to spin, sending the water flying. The three of them seemed to realize at the same time that this wasn’t a submarine, but a plane.

Banner smiled, although it was pained. “Oh, no. This is much worse.”

“Much worse indeed,” Percy agreed, thinking of his uncle who wouldn’t hesitate to blast them out of the sky.

The plane rose higher into the sky. People started heading indoors, leaving the top deck clear. The four of them followed suit, following Agent Romanoff as she lead them through a series of hallways that eventually led to a door that opened as soon as they got close.

Percy fought to keep his mouth from dropping to the floor in shock. They stood in a large room, filled with agents manning computers as they lifted the plane higher into the sky. Percy watched out the windows as the sea grew farther and farther and the clouds closer. His stomach twisted slightly, and he turned away.

“Let’s vanish.”

Percy turned towards the familiar voice. He found Fury standing above the rest of the agents, two consoles on either side of him, displaying a bunch of information that Percy wouldn’t understand half of. The man turned around and walked towards them. “Gentlemen,” he addressed.

“Pirate-man,” Percy said back. Fury glanced at him before being handed ten dollars by Steve. He pocketed the money then held out his hand for Dr. Banner to shake. Percy could see Banner hesitate before accepting the other man’s hand.

“Doctor, thank you for coming.”

“Thanks for asking so nicely.” Banner replied. “So, uh… how long am I staying?”

“Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you’re in the wind.”

“Where are you with that?” The two wandered off, leaving Percy by himself.

\~*~/

Several hours had passed since they had taken off. An agent had shown him to his room, where he dropped off his duffel and made a quick IM to Annabeth, updating her on the situation. After a while, Percy ventured back to what seemed to be the main area. He had read a little more of the packet and could understand more of what was going on.

Steve and Coulson stood to the side, talking back and forth. Percy let them be. He sat at the table, just spinning the chair around in circles. Around them, people were trying to run a face-match on the evil-guy, Loki.

One of the computers started beeping, signaling a match. Everyone ran towards the computer. Percy caught a look over everyone’s shoulders. A picture of a tall man with slicked-back black hair was shown.

“We got a hit.” The agent called out. “Sixty-seven percent match. Wait, cross match, seventy-nine percent.”

“Location?” Coulson asked.

“Stuttgart, Germany. 28, Konigstrasse. He's not exactly hiding.”

Fury nodded, before turning to Steve and Percy. “Captain, Mr. Jackson, you're up.”

4

[winteriron-trash]

(I Am) A Little Wicked [Chapter 8]

A/N: Happy not-Thursday? Okay, I’m not gonna lie, I wrote this and just forgot to post it, really. It wasn’t until I was writing the chapter for EIU that I realized. Oops? Well, better late than never. Anyway, three year time skip from the last chapter, mostly a focus on Maria and Bucky here. Enjoy! Per usual, let me know if you want to be added to the tag list! Enjoy!

Masterlist | Playlist | Summary/Warnings | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7

-

“Jarvis,” Maria said, carefully filing her nails. “May I ask for your opinion on something?” 

Jarvis looked up from the bookshelf he was dusting. “Of course you may, ma’am.”

Maria blew away dust from her filing. “How would you describe James’ feelings towards ‘Tonio?”

There was a pause. “I would say he cares very deeply for master Anthony. He is incredibly protective, perhaps one of the most important people in master Anthony’s life.”

“And would you say those feelings have a chance of being romantic?” Maria asked, pushing down her cuticles.

“There is… a possibility.” Jarvis set the duster down. “An incredibly high possibility, in my opinion.”

“Do you think the feelings are romantic?” Maria stood up, brushing brangs out of her face. Her hair was starting to grey. Oh well. It was a regal look anyway.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if they were,” Jarvis hummed.

Maria nodded, setting the nail file down. “I believe I should have a conversation with James. If you’ll excuse me.” She flashed a smile and headed upstairs, to Tony’s bedroom.

Tony wasn’t home. He’d just graduated college, managing to graduate early at twenty one. But he was out on a trip with Rhodey and wouldn’t be home at least until midnight, though probably later. Which was for the best, as it gave Maria a chance to talk to James without him shadowing Tony.

Knocking lightly to announce her presence, Maria stepped into Tony’s room. James was curled up in Tony’s bed, reading a book. Tony had just fit him with a new arm, one that had gold shining between the silver metal in a stylish sort of way.

“Good morning, James.” Maria stepped into Tony’s room, shutting the door.

James set his book aside, looking up at her. “Good morning, miss.”

James was… polite. Respectful. Maria wasn’t quite sure if that was lingering HYDRA programming, or just his own personality. Probably a combination of the two. He was quiet, only speaking when spoken to, but he was working his way out of his shell. He was certainly a human being with a personality now, much more than he had been when Maria first brought him home. He made jokes, smiled, occasionally spoke in an accent that was faintly reminiscent of Brooklyn.

“How are you today?” Maria asked, sitting in Tony’s desk chair. “Any recent nightmares?”

James blinked, eyebrows knitting together before he relaxed a bit. “I’m alright, thank you. Nothing too bad.”

Maria nodded, smiling. Without teeth. “I know your nightmares can be worse when ‘Tonio isn’t here.”

James shifted. He was smart, and could easily pick on the tense undertones of the conversation. His shoulders relaxed, gaze dropped. It was submissive. “Tony… helps.”

“He does, with a lot of things for you.” Maria agreed. “You care about him a lot, don’t you?”

“Yes.” James’ gaze darted up.

“I would even go so far as to say you have a crush on him.” Maria ran his hands over Tony’s leather jacket that was thrown over the back of the chair.

“I-” James fingers twitched. He swallowed, fumbling for words.

“And,” Maria continued, cutting off whatever he was going to stutter out. “I think my ‘Tonio may return those feelings.” She stood up, walking over to Bucky with slow, careful steps. “I think that’s absolutely lovely. You’re a very lovely young man, James.”

“Thank you, miss.” James nodded.

Maria smiled, showing the faintest hint of teeth. “I do care about you, James. You’re almost like a second son to me.” She reached out, brushing a few bangs out of James’ face. James bit his lip, but didn’t draw back or flinch. “And I think you and ‘Tonio would make a beautiful couple.”

“Thank you, miss,” James repeated.

“You’re smart, James. A tactical, , practical sort of smart.” Maria stood up, walking around Tony’s room. “You and ‘Tonio are two geniuses, and put together you make a beautiful picture.”

James opened his mouth, but closed it again, frowning.

“Howard was a genius.” Maria hummed, picking up a trophy off Tony’s shelf, studying it. “But he didn’t appreciate that I was just as much of a genius as he was. He didn’t appreciate ‘Tonio either. I expect you’ll know better than to make the same mistake.”

“Yes, ma’am,” James whispered, shifting a bit.

“Do you know what happened to Howard?” Maria asked, but it was rhetorical. “He hit ‘Tonio. Made my son bleed. So I made him bleed, until he had no more blood left to bleed.” Maria set the trophy down, walking back over to James. She rubbing his shoulders from behind, grip firm. “It’d be a shame to see the same happen to you.”

James didn’t say anything. The only noise were the whirring servos of his arm flexing.

“I may not be a super soldier with a metal arm, but I am not someone you want to be the enemy of,” Maria whispered. Her voice dropped an octave, fingers digging into James’ shoulders. “Respect my ‘Tonio. Understood?”

“Understood,” James said, spine perfectly straight.

Maria smiled. She let go of James’ shoulders. “Such a smart young man.” Maria turned, walking out of Tony’s room with that, leaving a shell shocked James in her wake.

Walking back into the kitchen, Maria found Jarvis washing dishes.

“Did your conversation go well with mister James?” Jarvis asked politely, glancing up.

Maria smiled. “It went perfectly.” She walked across the kitchen with a thoughtful hum. “You know, it wouldn’t hurt to go public with him. At least, quietly. Let SHIELD know and all.”

“Aren’t you a bit worried about how Miss Carter will react?” Jarvis glanced up.

“Not in the slightest,” Maria stood in front of a mirror, fixing her hair. “Margaret and James go back. She wouldn’t let SHIELD get their hands on him even if I weren’t a part of the problem.”

Jarvis hummed. “So why tell her, or anyone else for that matter?”

“It’ll give James a bit more freedom. And ‘Tonio, if the two do really have a future together.” She paused, tilting her head to the side. “And I want SHIELD and anyone who it’s relevant to, to be very clear in knowing that I am in possession of the Winter Soldier, and very much not afraid to use him.”

-

@justjessica131   @smittenkitten143@crazy4thewinbros@madieorally@lazilymysticalzombie@journeythroughtherain @i-dont-know-just-where-im-going@ibreathebooks-42@shiroukun@sonofabitch150@daughter-of-infinity@king-stony@cdragontogacotar@creepycrazyshipper@justaboringlurker @sun-at-midnight @bash-it-all @i-dont-know-anything-and-i-worry@shipeveryonetogether@jampottr@itsall-taken@shadowrayven@cdragontogacotar@shittymoonglasses @theastraywolf @kahowl-knight@yashaamor  @hufflepuffandcorgi

[movedto-dazaipositive]

one guess where this started. couldn't have done it without @taggianto 💜 you.

CW: rape and resultant pregnancy; severe self-worth issues; mentally ill character with wrong ideas about what constitutes mental illness.

so, I've got a running headcanon that Kent's mom is alcoholic and she has ptsd.

rape & pregnancy TW // she was raped in college and that's how she got pregnant with Kent. she kept him out of choice, but she loves him no matter what

but that doesn't change the fact that she has ptsd and for many years while she was working 3 jobs to keep them alive and Kent on the ice, and she had to get through somehow. so she drank at home

and she wasn't ever really there for Kent. she couldn't be, between drinking and working. does Kent resent her? I don't think so. I don't think he knew it was even an option until he met the Zimmermanns and Jack

and saw the way they behaved with each other. but he loves his mom and he'd do anything for her. it's why he sticks with hockey even when it hurts–his mom worked hard to get him where he is, and he can't let her down now

but she crashes around the time Kent is 16/17. she's no longer got Kent around to survive for, and it really messes her up. and Kent watches Jack and his mom crash and burn, up close and from afar, and it fucks him up

like, bad. he can't stop thinking that it was him, that he's the reason they're the way they are. that he's the only thing they have in common and they're both–the way they are, and it must be him. it must be Kent

jack's OD breaks Kent, pushes him over the edge of a cliff he was already clinging to with his fingertips. he shuts down completely and only surfaces to a) send his mom to rehab with his first NHL paycheck b) and play hockey

he withdraws completely. cuts himself off from human contact at the exact time he needs it the most. he spends his rookie year with the Aces Captain, Patty, his wife and their two kids, barely holding on to his humanity

it's a good thing the team forces Kent out regularly, because otherwise he'd turn into an Actual Hockey Robot. it's not that he isn't friendly with them–he plays beautiful hockey and laughs and chirps with the rest of them, but there's something off about it. he's skittish and awkward, and he gets this look in his eyes sometimes, like he survived something awful but not really.

like he isn't all there. they worry about him. he's too small and too good at hockey and he needs someone to watch out for him

the first year, it's the whole team. all how-many-ever of them, looking out for Kent on and off the ice. the second year, Jeff comes to them

Jeff is...good with Kent.

Jeff's been playing on the NHL for a couple years, got drafted third or fourth to the Seattle Schooners. he's a good teammate, dryly funny, chirps that take a second to sink in. he plays good hockey, not as good as Kent, but good.

but he seems to know, instinctively, what Kent needs at any given moment

Jeff drags Kent into being social and actually, y'know, forming meaningful connections with other people by giving Kent puppy eyes until Kent agrees to hang out with Jeff and teammate of the week

and Kent, horribly unused to being someone people want to spend time with and nearly incapacitated by loneliness after a year of next to no human connection, says yes every time

and Kent is a person? under that weird obsessive hockey robot exterior? he's fun to hang out with. he's even funny. he's a bit a total dork and likes helping people and he always knows a good place to eat

so people on Kent's team start to seek his company even without Swoops around and Kent goes ? but he doesn't like to let people down or say no

Kent is still like, messed up inside. he doesn't sleep well and there are a lot of days when he won't get out of bed of he doesn't have to. but he's still trying

except... he's not trying to be better at Humaning for himself. he's doing it for Jeff and the people who depend upon him to show up and entertain their kids for two hours so they can go on a date

the only thing that's changed is the manifestation of Kent's chronic self-sacrificing and the people who receive it.

and Kent is honestly trying really hard and overcompensating for a year of not being a good Human Person so he swamps himself in helping people and overworks himself

and it's Jeff that picks up the pieces of Kent's dumbassery. it's Jeff that calls people to let them know that Kent has the flu, no they haven't been to the doctor yet, yes he's mostly okay he's puking right now, so no he can't come and take care of your kids Patty find a fucking babysitter you're a millionaire jfc

(Patty is kind of a dick)

Kent: [in between puking] but I promised

Jeff: shut the fuck up

Kent's bedridden for almost a week. he misses two games, both of which the Aces lose

it's during this week that Jeff realises just how fucked up Kent is, because in the middle of puking his guts out and shivering under six blankets he still finds time to blame himself for everything that goes wrong in that week. e v e r y s i n g l e t h i n g. it's not really Kent's fault, being sick pulls down all walls that keep him from airing the constant internal monologue of self blame and loathing, but Jeff calls his cousin Rashmi and has a slight breakdown

well, I say slight. he nearly cries

Jeff needs to talk about how much Kent is hurting and omg I never knew im a terrible friend eeeee

she tells him to a) calm the fuck down b) don't take this so personally, you can't help him if you think you're the one to blame, he's doing that already c) here's a bunch of helpful links on how to deal when you think your friend might be mentally ill

Jeff tries to be subtle about bringing up the 'you might be mentally ill thing'. Kent, however, is not dumb. he catches on to this really fast, and panics hard. his only experience with mentally ill folks is his mom and Jack, and they are not a good place to start–both addicts who've been unintentionally emotionally abusive to Kent. Kent draws the best conclusion he can with this data pool. the conclusion is I am a horrible person who will soon be drug addict and hurt the people around me, whoops time to Shut Down

Kent [shutting down] I am a horrible person that deserves nothing good, ever. Jeff: nO Kent: I can't hear you over the sound of my self loathing Jeff: N O

and Jeff does not know how to deal with a Kent who's gone straight back to rookie year levels of skittish I-am-a-virus-don't-touch-me. the team, on the other hand, knows perfectly well how.

or, at least, they know how they dealt with it. but they're hockey players, with the combined emotional intelligence of a nail clipper, and when they tell Jeff about it he's horrified. so he figures out his own methods–he sticks as close to Kent as possible while not overwhelming him, and he does his best to be Supportive

it is difficult to be supportive when the person you are Supporting does not want to be supported. so he does his research, and hits upon the perfect solution

he goes to the local pet shelter and asks for the most unlikely to be adopted kitten, because he knows that Kent has a soft spot for hopeless things

they give him a three month old Calico, blind and almost certainly headed to a shelter without a no kill rule

Jeff: ......I'll take it

Kent is baffled and enchanted. Jeff really thought it'd be harder to sell this to Kenny, but Kent's holding squirmy, curious little kit, already babytalking to her, asking her if she knows what a pretty princess she is, yes you are, aren't you and Jeff has a second where he thinks Oh, shit

bc this more humanity and interest than Kent has shown in almost a month, and then Kent is turning to Jeff to ask him questions about raising cats that Jeff didn't even know were a concern, but clearly this is making Kent happy, so Jeff gives him a book he'd picked up at the recommendation of the volunteer at the shelter, and drives Kent helplessly to the pet store and watches as Kent buys cat shit off Amazon

Kent doesn't realise she's blind, at first. kit (Jeff named her) has large golden eyes that are permanently dilated. Kent only figures out she's blind when he's sitting on the floor watching her toddle around, and she keeps walking into his outstretched legs. Kent calls Jeff in a panic, asking him if he knows what's with kit's eyes, and Jeff thinks I knew I was forgetting something

and then he explains the situation to Kent, and Kent reacts exactly the way Jeff expected him to–with a sudden fierce dedication to kit, even more so than ten minutes ago when he would have died for her

Kent cat-proofs his house–he pours a lot of time and money into getting everything exactly right so Kit needn't suffer more than necessary. he lavishes Kit with all the love he's capable of–and he's always capable of a lot more love than he thinks–and makes sure that everyone coming to his house knows that one move that frightens Kit is more than enough to get them banned

so Kent pours himself heart and soul into loving kit. he spends every second he isn't on the ice taking care of his beloved baby princess

and it's incredibly healing. he knows he has to get up in the morning and come back after runs (not walk into traffic) and that he has to get done on the ice so he can come back to her

and it's incredibly healing. he knows he has to get up in the morning and come back after runs (not walk into traffic) and that he has to get done on the ice so he can come back to her

there's a period of like, six months, where the only reason Kent does anything at all is because kit needs him to. and he won't let himself think about how Jeff could also maybe take care of her. he won't.

his mom's rehab clinic is expensive but ridiculously intensive and extensive. it's almost 14 months of rehab and therapy and relearning hire to be a person without addiction, as well as working through whatever led you to seek addiction in the first place

Diana Parson comes out of it changed. she feels more like a person than ever before in her life. she feels whole, healed still, but so much better

so she goes back home, and Kent is in Vegas depressed as fuck, and his mom is in New York living for herself, and doing things she loves, and discovering herself outside of therapy

she comes back home at a time when it's incredibly difficult for Kent to do even basic things like have a conversation. so all through the season, he doesn't visit her and he can't even summon up the guilt.

and her therapist tells her it's okay, that he needs time too. and she loves him and she gives him the time she needs, but she also decides that she's stable enough to foster a child

which goes well! Lydia is 7 and slightly untrusting but Diana has patience and love and she's been reading and she's financially stable and she has time (ask things she didn't have with Kent). she has time to ask Lydia how her day went. time to play and talk and do bonding activities with just the two of them

and soon enough she and Lydia love each other so much! and they have rough times but they get through it.

the season ends. and the aces lose. and Kent is probably even worse than before. and someone suggests that since the aces will no longer be in town to make sure that Kent buys groceries/stays a person, hey you should go visit your mom!

so Kent, depressed and hating himself, gets to watch his mom get her big second chance

and he tries do hard not to be bitter but it's killing him. he keeps wondering what his life would be like if he were Lydia. if he had a financially stable supportive mom. and he can't blame his mom so he blames himself

he blames himself for needing more than she could give him. because she did her best and she raised a pro NHL player and he doesn't have any right to expect more

and one night it gets so bad that drives himself to Jeff's place

this would be okay but Jeff actually lives in Canada

he's just. in this place where Jeff is the only person that Kent knows won't hurt him

and he's so, so tired

and Jeff, chilling with his family, suddenly has an armful of distraught sleep-deprived Captain

and he's just like ......sorry I gotta take this

Kent knows where Jeff lives bc he's been there at least once before

and Kent just. breaks down. he cries for hours. and Jeff can't do anything except drag Kent up to his room and cuddle him while he cries and pet his hair. Kent cries himself to sleep, but he wakes up with Jeff wrapped around him and there's like, 14 seconds where he just feels safe and good because Jeff's there and hugging him in bed so something somewhere must have gone right

anyway Kent wakes up and gets dressed with Jeff hovering gently over him, knocking into him once in a while to make sure he's okay

(like when cats wind around your feet because they're excited to see you. except they might trip you up. the issue w Jeff is that he is Big)

he finds his phone in some weird corner of his car and plugs it in. and finds out that he has 200+ missed calls from his mom

because his mom doesn't have the numbers of any teammates she can call and she's been so worried and he feels Horrible for Being This Way

so he calls her. and she picks up on the second ring and she's been having panic attacks and flashbacks for 4 days and she doesn't remember parts of her therapy

so she yells at him. and Kent is still way too fragile to handle this but he also has to do this? and he just. panics

mother-son bonding via hyperventilating to each other on a phone line

but Jeff gets so mad on Kent's behalf, and pulls the phone out of Kent's hand and cuts the call.

but then he feels guilty so he sends her a quick text message to let her know that Kent is safe and he'll call when he feels better

and the next few days are just Jeff hugging Kent and Kent wearing Jeff's clothes everywhere because he didn't bring his own

and when they kiss it's just so natural? Kent stops hiding how much he wants Jeff. it's too much work. and Jeff is close to Kent almost all the time. and they're so stupidly in love that Jeff's older brother walks into them making out against the kitchen counter and moon walks back out

they make out for so long that every member of Jeff's family sees them and walks back out.

[noxiim]

(1/3)Okayyyy so i mightve sent a few asks abt this before but this topic is really now bugging me cuz i have depression and im sensitive to like everything. Im starting to take this "not getting notes on my art" thing really personally and i know it sounds childish (and i laugh at myself for it) but i cant help but get upset when i spend so much time and effort and get like no feedback. And i know people say not to draw what u love and not for attention but honestly i dont even know what

and i dont even know if im drawing what ilike sometimes. Yeah i love bts but i dont know if i like what im drawing or ifim just doing it for notes???? And i have a lot of anxiety too and thats wherei feel like im taking this too personally. Cuz im starting to think that my artdoesnt get notes cuz its straight up not good which leads me to think ishouldnt even try to pursue a career in art anymore. But im not good atanything else so wtf am i gonna do if i dont succeed in art???? Like i said i laugh at myself for thinking like this and iprobably sound like a fuckin child but i cant help it???? Like i think my artis decent???? But maybe its not???? Idk like this was really hitting me todaycuz i feel like im wasting so much time and im probably gonna be one of thosepoor college students cuz i decided to focus on art more rather than taking ajob cuz i thought i could make money off of my art but yknow clearly its notgoing so well and im scared for my future U dont have to give advice to all of that i just needed tolet that all out 

Aw dude don’t worry I get what you mean,I actually experienced something similar when I first started posting my art totumblr, and even recently when I first started posting bts fanart. It’sperfectly normal to want recognition (in this case in the form of notes) forsomething you worked so hard on!! I think one of the major issues with postingto such a big fandom such as bts though is that there’s so many peopleproducing content at any given time, that it’s incredibly easy to get drownedout. Especially since tumblr changed how search and track tagging worked, itmade it that much harder for people to get noticed for their content.

When I first switched to drawing for bts,I found it hard because I also focused a lot on my note count. For someone whowas originally well established in a previous fandom, the move to bts was quitea jarring experience. I had built my following on tf2 art, and used toconsistently get a couple hundred notes, but one of main reasons why I left wasbecause of the dwindling of note counts. When I first left, overwatch had justcome out and a lot of attention shifted towards that game away from tf2, andalthough I still love the game, the dramatic decrease in notes on my art fortf2 really made me sad and I ended up deciding to leave the fandom after 3years of drawing tf2 art. I hopped around a bit, before eventually getting intobts. Even then, my first few pieces (they’re not on my #bts fanart tag so mostpeople wouldn’t have ever seen them) either got no notes at all or only two orthree. It was easier for me to establish myself in a fandom such as tf2 back inthe day since it was such a small, tight knit community with limited contentcreators, but now with bts there are so many more people and it just seemedhopeless for a while and I lost motivation in my art. I stopped wanting todraw, since it felt like nobody cared. Art is the biggest hobby I have, solosing my confidence in my art was crushing.

Now you might be wondering how I got towhere I am today. I’ll be completely honest with you. For me, I highly doubt Iwould be anywhere near where I am if it weren’t for networks. I had neverjoined a network before, but decided to join armiesnet and jimin network one daywhen I saw that applications were open. I got accepted, and I joined theirrespective group chats too. I met lots of great people on those chats, and madea lot of new friends which was nice after having moved fandoms and lost touchwith many previous mutuals. I’m so glad I joined networks, because not only doyou have the chance to make mutuals who will support you and your art, thenetwork blog itself also reblogs all its members’ content which gives youexposure to members of the network through both the network tag and through thedashboard. It’s a perfect way to get started, rather than hoping that somebodywith a decent following will happen to stumble across your work in the tags oneday and reblog it.

That being said, unless you’re like somesort of godly human being I don’t think we can ever get over how note countsfeel as an artist. We need something to gauge people’s response to our art, andthat tends to default to note counts. I can assure you that the feeling of disappointmentwhen your post doesn’t get as many notes as you want/expected it to is a thingpretty much all artists on this site shares. People always say “you should drawfor yourself, not for other people” but that’s the equivalent of like say themona lisa being painted and then left to rot in Da Vinci’s closet or something.The whole point of art is sharing your ideas/love for something through yourdrawings with other people, and so it’s perfectly normal to want therecognition you deserve for working so hard and putting so much love into yourcraft. When it feels like you’re all alone, you have to remember not to giveup. Creating art in such a big fandom can be unforgiving, but just rememberthat your art is never the one at fault. It’s all about finding that littlegolden window of exposure, whether it be through one big blog or a couplesmaller blogs reblogging your work. Those kind few people will be what helpsyou grow, and you have to keep posting for that to happen. If you water a plantbut it doesn’t bloom the next day, abandoning it will get you nowhere. If youjust keep going, keep watering it, results will come. Keep reminding yourselfthat you’re doing well, and you can compare older art to your current art tosee the progress and keep you motivated. Don’t force yourself to draw if youaren’t feeling it – art is something that should make you happy. I used to drawbecause I felt the pressure to put out content, but that just resulted in mefalling into a negative spiral of art block, limited motivation and generalunhappiness with my art as a result. Remember that there’s no such thing as adeadline when it comes to posting art on tumblr – work at whatever pace suitsyou and if anybody tries to rush you, shut them down. You’re the artist, youget to choose what you do with your art, how you do it, and how long you spendon it.

If you truly have your sights set onbecoming an artist full time, then by all means go for it! I can’t give muchadvice in that area since I only plan on keeping art as a hobby, but justremember that art school is always optional. In the end, working as an artistis all about the portfolio, not where you graduated from. It’s more importantto work on your art than it is to get in to an amazing art school. Sure, artschools can be useful, but in the end they are simply tools, sort of like atutorial rather than something that will magically turn you into an amazing artistwith amazing job offers. At the end of the day, it’s all up to yourself to workhard and promote yourself. Since art is all about reaching different audienceswith your work, promoting yourself is essential, even if it’s just casualfanart on tumblr. Feedback can’t come without exposure, and exposure can’t comewithout self-promotion.

Lastly, remind yourself that there’s nosuch thing as ‘bad art’. That might sound like a stupid statement, but inreality art is a constantly changing thing. There is no pinnacle of perfection,no model artwork that represents the most perfect drawing out there. Everyonehas different styles, everyone has different approaches, and most importantly,everyone is still improving. I’m still learning and trying to improve my ownart, and there’s no shame in that. It’s easy to perceive someone else’s art asbetter than yours which would lead to some self-critical thoughts, but you haveto remember that the other artist is probably looking at their own art andpicking it apart, thinking “aw man there are so many mistakes here.” It’s fineto make mistakes, after all, that’s how we learn. Just because we see mistakesin our own art doesn’t mean that everyone else will too – nobody looks at artand their first thought is to list all of the mistakes present. As long as youare aware of what you are less confident in and actively work to improve it,you can quickly surpass even the people you look up to.

So yeah, sorry that this is hella longlol, but in all honestly I can understand what you’re going through. It’seasier said than done, but even though it might feel hard - don’t give up. Youmight feel like you’re not getting anywhere at the moment but I assure you thatif you just keep going, things will only get better. That’s the thing abouttumblr, if you keep posting art your audience can only grow. For now, I would definitelyrecommend joining some networks, and making some friends. It’s not uncommon forpeople to promo their own work in the network chat occasionally, as long as youdon’t spam haha

Anywho, I wish you the best of luck withyour art journey. If you need me you know where to find me 💕💕💕

[themeltedheadaches]

ALL THE ASKS DO IT unless ur too busy #collegelife love u ❤❤❤❤

LOVE U BOO never too busy for u (also using this to procrastinate on my french composition so)

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

i eat my cereal………………….dry…………..

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

YES that’s literally my life now. i love it but also my nose was running today all the way to get coffee in downtown. i was in THREE LAYERS it is not even DECEMBER

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

answered! :)

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

if i’m going to be a bitch and just get plain coffee, i’m gonna get it black bc otherwise i’ll just have a white mocha or a cappuccino or something (the ppl at the campus coffeeshop know who i am. they know my order. “one sin-ful latte coming up!” thank u for fueling my Addition.) i take my tea with milk and sugar if it’s black tea ((earl gray)) or with honey if it’s green tea. if it’s white tea i’ll sometimes have it with sugar, and if it’s something like peppermint or lavender or chamomile i’ll just have it plain. IM A PICKY BITCH

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

i used to be! but now i like it. 

6: do you keep plants?

YES pls pray for them

7: do you name your plants?

answered! :)

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

poetry! i like to watercolor too, actually, though i left them at home :(

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

YES i miss my car bc that’s when i would have Prime Time to sing and hum to myself or along to whatever song i live for at the moment. (i’m into a musical rn and i can’t yell the lyrics out i’m so ANnoyed Always)

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

answered!

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

i have fucking countless at home……. at college there are quite a few too! as in: “hypothetically, vodka?,” “fuckinG,,,WHAT,” “[blow twice] [slurp sound] [tongue click] noice.,” “SHPEAKERSH OHN!,” “over there! like, over there? over there. over there?,” “just going to go kick some nutria,” and of course, the classic, “same, but jewish.” 

12: what’s your favorite planet?

URANUS actually tho it’s uranus. i had to do my planet project on it in the 4th grade and i gave my brother AND mother silent treatment for two days bc they laughed at its name. i’m very protective

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

i saw my favorite puppy on campus again today!! he’s grown so much!! also my poetry professor’s wife had a successful surgery! #GoMeredith 

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

SO MESSY………………….listen. @michelle i’ve seen ur room, and i would just accept that that is how we live now and it’s fine. it would also be aesthetic as fuck tho tbh. full of yarn and animal fur. and books. and junk food #RIFP

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

if saturn’s rings were a meter long, they would be 10000 times thinner than a razorblade! what the fuckkkkkkkkkkk

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?

UHHHHH fucking;;;;;;;;what how am i supposed to #represent my italian fmaily with this DISGUSTING question,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, jk i fuckig love risotto, just ur basic bitch peas and cheese risotto and i’ll cry. also?? gnocchi!! holy shiiiiiiiit. 

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

my hair has such good color i’d actually rather shave it all off than dye it :/

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

HHHHHHHH yesterday. LITERALLY yesterday. there was a french club meeting that served cheese and bread! so i took my Good Friend WIliam (who is not in french, unlike me), and we walk into the room, and i say “helLO!” bc that’s good manners, when you’re going to just get food and leave, and it’s dead silent. i get food and leave. william has told everyone in our entire hall twice.

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

answered!

20: what’s your favorite eye color?

i’m so biased……….but……..brown………..

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

my brown leather one! it’s actually super fake leather and i got it from target!! but it’s cute and small and somehow fits everything i need to put in it, including 3 beers and my wallet and 2 phones last weekend. i’ve had for 4 years now 

22: are you a morning person?

yes! i like waking up early actually 

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

go on youtube and waste time, or walk around campus/downtown with friends, or shop!

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

yes

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?

my cousin’s RV

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

my brown leather boots! wow there’s a trend here lmao. actually i’ve had two pairs of these bc my first was falling apart?? i used them first in a cosplay……in the 7th grade………..(i was matt from death note and to this day i’m STILL not fucking ashamed, i had the wig and goggles and everything.) i love them and wear them all the time, they’re so comfy and warm and stylish and i feel like a hacker badass everytime i wear them. still to this day.

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?

bubblegum gives me hives i do Not enjoy it :(

28: sunrise or sunset?

sunset!

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

one of my friends down the hall will call things/ppl “cute as pie” completely genuinely!! i love her!!

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

oh yeah

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

i fucking love them thanks end of story. wearing them makes me feel cozy and put together and also atm my dorm floor is Disgusting. i sleep with them when it’s cold and my feet are dry! i have so many fun socks it’s great. i love them. socks are highly underrated.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

my friend and i were driving around evERYWHRE basically, we went from pasadena/san marino to like. hollywood all the way to beverly hills and back and it was wonderful, we stopped 3 times to chase stray cats, take shitty pictures, go to iHop, and almost died several times bc hE SNAPS AND DRIVES at NIGHT on LA FREEWAYS

33: what’s your fave pastry?

croissants, followed by scones, followed by coffeecake 

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

bunny the stuffed bunny! she’s pretty large, like as long as my torso! she’s white fabric with colored fluffy bits and very floppy, loose ears. she has green button eyes that i had my grandma sew on bc otherwise she actually scared me a bit when i was a kid, but i loved her anyway bc my great-grandmother sewed her for me in the first place. bunny still lives on my bed at home! 

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

YES! i ddon’t use them very often though bc i feel like i should save them for something. rip me

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

stromae hands down

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

clean….i’m so lazy tho

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

sudden loud noises, being startled, being touched physically when i don’t expect it, someone making assumptions about me, being dismissed, being told what i want or what i’m going to do, borrowing something of mine w/o telling me, being interrupted 

39: what color do you wear the most?

HONESTLY black bc i’m an emo bitch

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?

one i’ve been wearing a lot is the fork ring i got from the portland saturday market! it’s literally the tines of a vintage fork separated from the part you hold, sanded down so it’s round, and looped into a ring shape. i fidget with it a lot and it reminds me of my mom and step-dad, bc i got it when i was with them. i wear it mostly everyday tbh

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

new american best friend by olivia gatwood in general, or thick as thieves by megan whalen turner when i re-read it out loud to my mom on the ride up to college

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

yeeeeeeS i have several! the bistro, which is on campus: it’s so comfortable, it has couches everywhere and board games and so many books and zines and the walls are half chalkboard so there’s always art or snark everywhere. the music is super eclectic (it was lorde yesterday, today when i went in it was old-school 90s rap), plus it’s student run so the coffee and pastries and food are SO GOOD. the archive, which is downtown, is really boujee as fuck but it’s SO COOL. it’s so fucking aesthetic, with brown leather stools and uncomfortable booths and vintage books and stuff everywhere. for half the day, it’s a coffeeshop, and after 7, it becomes a bar. then back home, of course, coffee bean and tea leaf is the classic

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

half my hall when we went star tripping at the start of the year!

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

honestly the last time it was genuine was probably around…….january? i was in so much emotional pain and grief, but i was surrounded by family who loved me and were in that same pain and were so happy i was with them to help and be there with them. i wasn’t serene per say, or at peace, but there was this equilibrium….

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

yes!

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

my RA told me this one this morning: did you hear about the explosion in the cheese factory in france this morning? de-brie everywhere! 

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

tomatoes 

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

spiders, YES

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

i do…………………….. it was the soundtrack to romeo et juliette (2010)

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?

everything; stickers, pressed flowers, rocks, receipts 

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

the easiest one is when i think of my roommate, davey the dog’s barking cover of “do the hustle”

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

ew

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

no, yes, no, no, it was okay

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

ME, BITCH

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

chugged an an entire pitcher of water to prove i could, three times

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

genuineness! vulnerability! eye contact! fidgeting!

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

made me feel PUMPED, and of course i did

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

i am both

59: what’s your favorite myth?

uHHHHHHHHHH i love the myth of beowulf actually bc i had to do a project on it once, i have a soft spot for it, i love all myths tho wtf

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

YES,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, recently some of my favorites are the entirety of a montage of a dream deferred by langston hughes, “totem sonnets” by sherman alexie, “on earth we’re briefly gorgeous” by ocean vuong, “one art” by elizabeth bishop

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

stupid gifts are nonexistent :/

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

noooo

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

yes lmao…….i kinda leave them be but i don’t like it if i let someone borrow them and they trash them uGH

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

Pitch Black

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?

YES

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

morning glories, lavender, baby’s breath!

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

very good, thankfully, bc i am in oregon

68: what’s winter like where you live?

in LA, it’s cold and sweet and late and breathless and i adore it

69: what are your favorite board games?

jenga, clue, ??

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

NONONONONO

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?

peppermint for mornings, earl gray for evenings!

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?

yes, sadly

73: what are some of your worst habits?

biting the skin around my fingers, bouncing my knees incessantly, procrastinating on my french compositions……

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

well there’s this amazing person who i met in freshman year german…….;)

75: tell us about your pets!

i WISH

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?

yes :(

77: pink or yellow lemonade?

pink of course

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

i am the true hateclub: i don’t react. do not give them power. they Feed off of your Hatred

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

get me flowers, surprise me with chocolate, come up to me and compliment me on my writing, etc!!

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

at home my walls are a soft orangey-peach, which is picked bc i love it. here, my walls are very very white, which i did not pick, but am neutral towards.

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

circuit-board chips busted open

82: are/were you good in school?

ehhhhhhh

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

MELODRAMA

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

yes! a minimalistic double-delight rose for my great-grandmother, “love ya!” in my grandpa’s handwriting, maybe a nutshell with a crown over it (for the “king of infinite space” bit in hamllet), possibly “soyez réaliste, demandez l’impossible!” (be realistic, demand the impossible!) from the french student revolution in the 60s

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

somewhat, def hawkeye or the young avengers bc i’m basic :/

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

the only one i’ve rlly ever listened to is fucking danger days, so i worship them obviously

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

i think ppl should make their own agendas :/ however, i have deeply loved secondhand lions, up, moonlight, the grand budapest hotel, and other basic bitch things

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

impressionism!! aaaaaaa!!! also just shove me in front of abstract art and i’ll fall for it!!! 

89: are you close to your parents?

so so so so close to my mom and step-dad, on okay terms with my dad

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

listen to me. I LOVE SEATTLE. art! fish market! weird side streets! mean street art! bitchy coffee!! neon everywhere!! a big fuckin needle in the sky!

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

ITALY THIS SUMMER IM SO EXCITED i’m gonna meet all my mom’s friends from her semester abroad that she’s kept, i’m gonna see what she saw when she was my age, i’m gonna see where my dad’s family is from maybe if we go south???, i’m gonna see all the places and things she used to tell me about to get me to dream big and want to see the world and experience what’s out there!! aaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

depends on the pasta

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

down bc i’m fucking lazy and also inept when it comes to doing things with hair

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

my friend across the hall from me, who is now 19 years of bitchiness!

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

stay in, study, maybe go to a kickback tho

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

lol i put them off until my computer ceases to function altogether 

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

zodiac obviously

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

fucking…….summer?? i did!

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

“feelings” by hayley kiyoko, “vacation town” by the front bottoms, “february” by beach bunny, “hard feelings/loveless” by lorde, “moon river” by henri mancini, “let me in” by flor, “a million miles away” by the plimsoles, “girls like me” by bonnie hayes, “love my way” by the psychedelic furs, the entire legend of zelda soundtrack, “place, je passe” from the mozart l’opera rock soundtrack, etc etc

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

On a post where I talked about my nephew (and the difficulties with my brother)

runningbarefootthroughtheforest said: No ideas, just wanted to say Im glad your nephew has someone like you in his life, even if you are ‘banned’ from him. It sounds like you bring sunshine to his life, and even if thats a rare occurence it may make a world of difference to him <3

Thanks for being so kind. 

I wasn’t planning to really reply (thought I REALLY appreciated hearing that), but I was in a mood tonight. I got started writing, and now it’s 2am and I’ve got this endless rambling about my relationship with my brother no one in their right mind wants to hear about. Rather than erase all that typing (and venting) I’m just going to put it safely behind a click to continue....l

Being there for him used to be one of the ways I would make myself go to my brother’s when I knew what was in store for me there. (The other was to help my parents with that construction job building the extension to my brother’s house.) I had my nephew described as “lighting up like a Christmas tree” when I showed up and that he seemed so much more engaged when I was there. I dunno how much I credit that to me, but I did feel like it was worth enduring a heavy dose of verbal abuse. 

The thing is, it has been so long since I have been able to see him I expect he has forgotten me now. I got to see him for a minute over a year ago when took Mom half way to spend time recovering from her hospitalization at their house (I’ve mentioned our living conditions...). He didn’t show any signs of recognition anymore. Yesterday Mom called me while my sister-in-law was out (Mom won’t call me when they are around to avoid ranting) and I could hear my nephew talking to himself as he played, his voice like a little bird chirping. I realized that I have never actually heard him speak in person because he was a totally non-verbal then. I’m afraid as far as he is concerned I don’t exist.

I know people wonder why I was banned from my brother’s house. “what did you do?” Saying, well the first time I was told never to come back I played a Wallace and Gromit DVD. It was so baffling how me playing it in a room alone could get him shouting I was “the most selfish bitch alive” for my choice of DVD, but there you go.

A few months later I did start going back, but that time I tried to photograph my parents beside the house extension we were putting in, and my brother thought I wastaking a photo of him andmy nephew. He hates photos being taken and threatened to smash my camera, started with the insults, called me a coward when I went into the house to get away from him rather than fight, then mocked me when I came  back out rather than wake my napping sister-in-law. I started crying (trying soooo hard not to) and he lay into me for that. I always told my parents not to defend me since it would reinforce my brother’s peculiar “you love her more” narrative and it would make him more vicious, but it made me feel extra alone as he was attacking me, all in my face and snarling like he would get. I muttered “Sometimes I could just  kill you” which was NOT meant as a real threat at all, and he knew that very well. Still he announced I was to leave or he would call the police and he could say I threatened his life.

And that was that. At first My parents and I thought it would blow over. It didn’t. We thought holidays would be an exception. They weren’t. We thought when Pop got sick he would relax about it. Nope. So that’s been that.

The thing is, it shouldn’t be a surprise. For years he’d been saying he loved Mom, loved but also hated Pop, and just hated me. I think partly Pop and are were disappointments to him, like we should be whatever fantasy he had of what we should be and if only he could bully us right we’d change. Pop and I did tend to think alive, where Mom and my brother thought a bit more alike, the basic mental wiring. But it was a way of seeing us, Mom the one who sacrificed (like about getting a PhD) to join Pop here, Pop the person working so many ambitious projects (like the submarine or the journey round the world in the boat) that never actually were finished, and me the smart sister turned utter loser (and college drop out to his multiple degrees). I knew he hated me, and maybe he was right to at least have no respect for such a pathetic creature, but I somehow had managed to believe that down deep he loved me.

You know, when he was a teenager he pointed a loaded gun to my head saying he was going to kill me, and I was totally calm about it. Part of it was the adrenaline, but part of it was a trust that while he was emotionally freaking out and might accidentally kill me, he did not really want me dead. Would I be so fearless now when I no longer trust his love is in there somewhere waiting to be talked down? I dunno.

Now, for the record, my family was NOT physically or emotionally abusive. Heck, my parents never even spanked us. We were never grounded, given time outs or bullied. While my father would break things when really upset, he NEVER, EVER hurt anyone or threatened to hurt anyone. My parents were  confused how sibling rivalry and child defiance of a father could become so monsterous. They wondered what they did wrong. The thing is, it really wasn’t entirely some failing in out part.

Amazingly my brother was an incredibly sweet child. He constantly told us he loved us, gave us drawings he made and wrote “I love you” on, hugged us, kissed us, laughed and ...  He was exactly the opposite of what he is now.

I can track it, the step by step path that led to this point.

It begins at school. When he entered first grade to be precise.

In first grade my brother got good grades, despite my parents questioning whether he was having difficulty reading. The teacher would reassure them that he was doing just fine....and then he failed first grade. When my parents wanted to know what had happened, the teacher said my brother had seemed so smart she had assumed it would work out. **sigh**

So my parents did what you would expect. They started working with my brother. They had always read to us (and I read as long as can remember) but now they started using work books, flashcards, and anything else that they thought might help. To my brother this was like being punished while I was off doing other things, and how he felt about me began to change.

Now I get this bothering him. I was bothered too. I knew my brother needed help, but I also knew they were spending all this time with him but so little with me. No one helped me with my homework, because I didn’t need it. I was “fine”, I was always “fine”. Where as my brother as a toddler would try to run (and made it once!) across highway 64 with all it’s traffic, laughing as we chased him, toddler me (when I couldn’t find my father and grandfather who were working and supposed to be watching me...the place it big) decided to walk home and famously was spotted by people carefully crossing that crazy busy highway and walking back along the side of the road. I was seen as gaving good judgement, bright, blah, blapg. Stephanie is always “fine”. 

The difference is that while I saw the attention my brother got when no one even cared what I did in school, (they even let me sign my own papers because they were busy and knew I was doing fine...I HATE that word fine!) and was unhappy, I didn’t get angry at anyone. I understood, and other than a few bouts of grumpiness at my parents wishing that they would pay atrention to me a bit. But to my brother it was different. He was angry, and most of that anger settled on me because I was “fine”, a sort of feeling he had that I must be loved more since I wasn’t the one suffering.

Then it got worse.

His second grade teacher was horrible to him. She picked on him and bullied him continually. In front of the whole damn class she would called him stupid and mock him. He was NOT stupid! He was dyslexic!

My parents had to work to persuade then to have him tested. This was not even on the radar of out hick town school in the early 1980s. They had to bring someone in to test him, and when it proved the suspicions it proved no help at all. See, the teachers had never heard of such a thing, so to them “dyslexic” meant “stupid”.   They considered kids “normal”, “smart”, or “stupid” with no nuisance at all. And that damn teacher kept at it, more intently than ever.

Worse for my relationship to him, the teacher and her aide had another angle of attack. “He’s not smart like his sister!” Do you know how horrible that is, constantly comparing a kid to another kid? In first grade my tracher had started that, telling the class “Why can’t you all be like Stephanie?” “You should try to be smart like Stephanie” Do you know what that does? It does NOT make the kids you want to change change, instead they glare at that kid you are comparing them to with pure hate. And now the little brother that had loved me, was being bludgeoned with me as a weapon. 

He didn’t tell us any of this at the time. He was far too scared of her. It slipped out bit by bit over then next few years.

One day he hid to try to avoid going to class. I found him and talked to him, trying to be reassuring and comforting. You see, I was having an awful time in school, being bullied every day. I thought, three years older than him, I understood and I was being encouraging when I was saying if I could do it I knew he could. And then I told Pop where he was.

My brother still brings this up as a huge betrayal. It is one of the worst things I ever did to him, though I did it out of love and ignorance.

So it began. My brother’s resentment and hostility. A bubbling rage began to build. He started seeing as opposite, if something was tough for him he would insist it was easy for me. To this day he insists I was popular and happy in school! It’s nuts. Mom laughs at the thought. In that one year in kindergarden I went from so outgoing I spoke to anyone to so introverted I couldn’t make eye contact or order in a restaurant. I went from normal weight to the fattest kid in the class, for the first time in my life started wetting the bed, began to jump at the sounds like someone with PTSD, and would come home crying, begging my parents to tell me why everyone hated me. I was picked on for everything including my breathing! But he didn’t remember preschool me so he didn’t know I’d changed, and he was so lost in his own pain he couldn’t see mine.

And it went like this. Now I am NOT minimizing what he went through. While I had many teachers that openly delighted whenerever I made a mistake and, bafflingly, saw me as some sort of threat, clearly what he went through with that teacher was worse.

Let me be clear again, my brother was NOT stupid! He was one of the top five students by graduation, in college he studied chemistry where he was the only undergraduate working on a project, one a national prize, and after getting his degree went right back to get a degree in computer programming. He could very well be smarter than me!

But elementary and high school were hell. For both of us, to be honest, we just manifested it differently.

 I can only imagine the constant “she’s smart, you’re not” pressure he was under. I know even as an adult his default when upset was to call himself “Stupid!” “Idiot!” Or “Moron!” No matter how often my parents and I tried to tell him otherwise, he never believed us. He was constantly tense and chewed his fingers until they bled. And behind his eyes you could see the pain and rage. He got so he would not want anyone to see him show emotions, even taking his gifts at Christmas into his room to open. He got aggressive and growly, not just in a teen boy way. He would let anyone hug him anymore, not even Mom. We wanted to hug him, we knew he needed a hug, even wanted a hug, but if you tried he’d slug you and leave a bruise. 

With me his aggression just got worse. Violent, not just slugging. Not when our parents were around, of course. Then it was just verbal.  He was disgusted by me. I’d become withdrawn more, fatter, and, as I used to say, “terminally insecure”. Maybe he couldn’t stand my increasing loser status because if I was supposed to “better” than him according to the teachers, then how terrible must he be? He needed me to be better than Inwas, just as he always blamed our parents a bit for not saving him from that teacher, despite the fact they hadn’t known at the time what was going on.

One quick point: what happened to my brother inspired Pop to run for school board right after that. He thought it was the best way to help both my brother and others like him. I think the last straw was seeing that abusive teacher won “teacher of the year” the next year. When Pop asked why they said it was because they were all sorry for her  because just before the vote she has a baby that was born with a serious birth defect. Sympathy is one thing, but “teacher of the year” for a woman that tormented my brother and changed him so completely? In one year he went from loving me to hating me, smiling to scowling, not questioning his own intelligence to never believing in it! So Pop went to the school board, became chairman, and what to you know, the way they treated my brother turned around over night (though how he felt didn’t)! But what about other kids without elected parents?

Anyway, the school years were not happy. Add my brother’s tendency to hold grudges and to lash out when hurt to the target painted on my back by the big mouthed teachers and I became his verbal, and sometimes physical, punching bag. Our parents would be working and he would go into jerk mode. Locking himself in my room to trash it. Calling me the most hurtful things he could. There are still holes in my door from a sword. (Yes, sword. We have a few...) When he would start getting rough I’d pin him, because though we did eventually end up the same height, I was bigger than him. He was skinny and I was just plain stronger. But once restrained, then what? In his rages he would snarl he would hit me when I let go, and eventually I’d have to. My dilemma was I was the big sister, the one that had always tried to protect him and never wanted to hurt him. When I was about 8 I got a blood vessel in my eye busted fighting a bully that was picking on him. I couldn’t hurt him, but when I’d let go he’d keep his promise. As my parents and I would say, he would never pull a punch.

Now my parents would try to get him to stop being such a jerk to me, but it only ever made him meaner. If they were defending me, he semed to think, that must prove they loved me more. They were working and we were on our own, but together out here on the farm, much of the time. Oddly being unsupervised had worked out great when we were little, but as we got older and the relationship got worse it was not great at all.

It’s so weird, looking at old photos. All those happy ones when were little. There isn’t a photo of me NOT smiling until I started school, and there isn’t one where he isn’t smiling and usually hugging me until that year with the teacher. Like OMG! He honestly seemed a different person. By our teenage years there are almost no photos of me smiling, and the few that show my brother smiling are rather threatening. 

We did have one powerful bonding moment one day. We just started talking, just spilling out all the horrible things and bullying we went through at school, that hell hole. We ended up sobbing and just holding each other. It was so intense I actually believed it was a breakthrough, a turning point out of the darkness. Nope. I made that mistake many times over the years.

And yeah, the gun incident happened. I survived, and between that and another incident when he nearly shot trespassers (that had permission we didn’t know about) when scared, I let my folks know I didn’t think he should be around them anymore. It was atypical for the family so it was startling, but his judgement worried me. 

But then came what was the worst turning point for many years. I dropped out of college. It would take a while to explain, but it would make me the sole non-college in the family and the source of shame. It was unforgivable sin. While my brother had given up physical violence (and never hit me again) the verbal abuse got ....unrelenting. How bad did it get? When he would drive home I would hear the car and feel a full on hyperventilate “run away!” panic attack. He’d come home from college and I’d shake at the sound of his voice. I won’t list all the things he said, but it boiled down to my worthlessness.

That said, he still would seem to love and want my company. He asked me to go on trips, like to Germany and Montreal, and despite the fact I would always swear never to travel with him again afterwards. He gave gifts that showed thought, cards, and moments of sweetness would slip out.

Still, I began to notice something else. When things were good, he was wonderful, but when things were stressful he’d get mean. 

Believe it or not, there were a few years I got my hopes up that hehad outgrown it, or worked past it or let go of that childhood rage or...something. He was great, no longer tormenting me. The only teasing was affectionate, without the cruelty. He did little kindnesses, joked, showed concern, and smiled. It was like having the little brother that had been so close to me back. Even at his wedding the two of us kept giggling uncontrollably every time we looked at each other. 

It didn’t last. It took a few years, but it started building up all over again. I expect it was the stress he was feeling with a new marriage to someone with rather set ways ,interpersonal conflict on the job, a new house he’d bought, eventually fatherhood, and the initial denial anything was wrong with the nephew followed by the difficult reality. Then there was the fact that had set in that I was no longer the fattest in the family, but he was...something else to hold against me. 

So the point is, by the time he had a lot of things eating at him. He was having health problems I worried were stress related, that certainly didn’t help his mood. And there I was, unmarried, no kid, only working with Pop not a “real” job as far as he was concerned (HA!), none of the things weighing on him. Clearly, he would assume, my life must be better. That ignores my lived reality, but he always has ignored my point of view. As far as he was concerned I’d somehow cheated. And if my parents let me get away with it, well then, they must love me more.

So he promises to make my newborn nephew hate me. He picks on my continually. When I have a breathing attack and my heart goes nuts, he says to film it if I’m dying so he can watch it over and over laughing. He refuses to help us more than five minutes on the house extension, shouting “I can’t work with you people!!” And on and on. So why did I not see this final break coming? 

He isn’t happy. Even hearing about him through Mom I can tell that. I wish I could help him, but I never could. 

What’s strange is the fact I didn’t feel relieved by the break. Not seeing him meant sparing myself the weekly emotional rollar coaster, the walking on eggshells waiting for the moment he’s have a go at me. Instead I fell apart. I used to never cry, but I started then. I’d have meltdowns over it, thinking my life had hit the lowest it could get...the loss of my brother and nephew.

Of course, Pop started getting sick almost exactly then, and six months later he was diagnosed. It’s all been down hill from there! So I guess when you think you’ve hit rock bottom it might just be a bounce along the rock face as you keep plummeting.

My brother is still furious at me, and honestly I would  apologize whether I feel I did anything wrong or not if I thought it would do any good. But I know him. If I apologize he would take it as proof he was right. He doesn’t do forgiveness, more like gloating and justification for further jerk behavior. I’m not even exactly sure what he would want me to apologize for.

I’ve tried asking Mom for advice, but he baffles her and she says there is nothing I can do. Pop couldn’t help when he was alive either, not only because he didn’t understand it but he was enduring his own continual insults from my brother. I watched Pop sit there sobbing after a phone call with my brother, while Pop was sick but not diagnosed. That makes me angrier than any of the things my brother ever did to me. Apparently, to this day my brother is angry at Pop for not finishing the extension. Well he died damn it!

 The point is, all these experts that lecture how you must go to any length to have a good relationship with your siblings, tell me how the hell I can fix this. All those years of putting up with it, trying to make peace, trying to talk, reflexively saying I was sorry, occasionally arguing back intently and generally enduring sure didn’t help........

[cloudcreates]

i saw only a few draws of yanya but i want to know more about him :

kicks the door in WELL my friend ur in LUCK bc i have a LOT of shit abt yanya to talk abt

let’s kick it off with his backstory SHALL WE

so ! yanyas a lil kitsune boi raised in a little village in the outskirts of karnosea on famia, we dont have a name for it yet its not important w/e ANYWAY

he was BORN in a bigger town in central karnosea which i also dont have a name for but its also not important, what IS important is that he was a happy lil gremlin for most of his little babby years until he hit about elementary school where all the other kids’ parents started teaching them to be racist towards orcs and kitsunes and lizardfolk n shit! so they started being little shits towards him. which made him not like being in fox shape around them anymore. or in general.

so when his mums, shiranuit, a kitsune barbarian, and resnerina, a half-orc witch, were like “fuck that shit,” they moved away to that much smaller settlement, made up almost Entirely of rarer races like catfolk and wyvaran, and also orcs and ogres and stuff yea

and things were p alright! yanyas mums love him Very Much ok i love them and i love him and they all love each other. shiranuit works as a weaponsmith, and resnerina works as a luthier. so when u mashed their work together, u got yanya, a skald, or Basically a rage bard, who makes all his weapons and instruments, bc he makes his weapons into instruments, and vice versa.

his first weapon in game was a heavy mace that doubled as a guitar! it was crafted from metal ofc but its body was in the shape of a cow skull bc that shit’s metal. on one side was the guitar all strung up, and on the other he’d flip it around and it’s just Covered in spikes for him to beat the shit out of whatever 8)c

he uses his music to express himself. even with cure and mending magic, destroying things and lashing out and being aggressive all the time doesn’t make him feel good, so he’ll usually just turn to screaming out some sick tunes instead. his music’s very important to him.

moving back to early life however! he moved on through school pretty easy. i mean. not Entirely too easily bc the boy’s dumb as a brick so w/e he just. he didnt flunk out at the very least ok Cs get degrees anyway

and when he was abt.. 16, 17, he met ash!  his first..and Only girly friend who’s also a kitsune, and a gunslinger! between the two of them, she’s kind of.. the ‘brains’ but. even then she’s not like, super smart. it’s just.. not hard to be smarter than yanya w/ that sweet 7 WIS and 10 INT score lmfao. she’s plenty clever tho!

around this time yanya and ash didn’t go to school, they travelled around their local part of karnosea causing a little trouble here and there bc well. they’re of chaotic alignment. however! chaotic good alignment, so they really only gave hell to..racists 8) .. bc fuck em

the thing is though, while yanya had two mums that loved him a lot, ash didn’t. she had one mum that sucked a bunch and constantly berated her, and yanya knew, it was partially why they spent so much time just carting around wildly, having fun, bc yanya knew she deserved better!

as a side note, karnosea is neighboring artorias, which is the Big Capital of famia, where Queen Azaroa has opened a bard college! probably the best and most chattered abt all over the world tbh. you can bet yanya’s heard of it by now, being as musically inclined as he is, and has always sort of dreamed of going there.. but shit, he and his fam ain’t making that kind of money, lmfao

but! it just so happens, as rumors say, there’s a new scholarship surfacing, offered specifically to members of more. rare races, such as kitsunes! yanya can’t lie about his interest being piqued..

but the thing was, from 16 going on 18, he was sort of perfectly happy and content just travelling around like a rascal with ash, because they were best friends!! and having fun!! and without yanya, he thought ash would be all alone with her fuckin mean ass mum!! he didn’t want that, and also that bard college is probably overrated anyway, whatever..

ash’s mum isn’t having any of it, wtf ash is happy??  

the second ash and yanya get back home from whatever little bout of travel they were on, ash’s mum goes on a tirade at ash about how she’s dragging yanya down and holding him back, how she’s not good enough for him, etc.. so ash panics, because she knows he isn’t going to leave her unless she makes him never wanna see her again.

so! that same day, ash tells yanya about. how she’s been cheating on him the whole time. laughs in his face. tells him he should’ve expected it, kitsunes are known for being tricksters, liars after all!

he’s heartbroken.. so he leaves for artorias in a shocked daze probably not a full 12 hr later 

and he gets accepted to the college!

ofc being kinda poor and rough around the edges, it’s not without it’s fair share of. snooty ass rich kids being assholes, which is whatever. turns out tho, some of those rich kids are from karnosea! so because yanyas as subtle as an airhorn, rumors about him not being human spread. guess who gets to deal with racist school peers all over again! yaaaay

it’s not totally bleak, though. at college yanya met jonavahn, neyla, pazzoch, and a bunch of the other rare-race scholarship kids and they all form their own little nestled group of friends :’>

soo because yanya’s fuckin shit at like, learning, he like, does kind of piss poor in all the actual study-centric classes lmfao. but! he’s fantastic at the physical side of things–he excels with playing instruments and melee fighting, because it’s less read-a-book-and-study and more muscle memory and physical training and practice, ofc. he just barely graduated bc getting half amazing grades and half shitty grades only balances out to so much, but dAMMIT HE DID IT

so when he graduates, he goes back home for a little bit. im sure while he was at college, he managed to visit his mums back at karnosea for a little bit on breaks, but. just the idea of going back to karnosea, just knowing that. it’s where ash was. it made it a lot harder in practice than it was in theory for him lmfao.

but being back home, getting to see him mums again! it makes him really happy! because his mums love him a lot !!! and love and support him a shit ton!! they’re so proud! look at their son that graduated from the artorian queen’s bard college! holy shit!!

yanya realizes sometimes that he takes his mums for granted.. they’ve always been there to makes him feel like everything’s ok. and they do a damn good job of it! 

 a fun fact! lershe, my old incompetence quest 1 character, is a half-orc monk–by the end of iq1, he became a lycanthrope (this was in dnd 3.5, so monks could still get infected by lycanthropy), and also a lvl 30 minor deity lmfao

lershe was separated from his dad, who was raising him on his own, at a v young age. at the end of iq1, lershe sought him out, found him again, and found out that he’d started a new family with a new wife! and tbh lershe met his mum in iq1 he could not be happier for his dad lmfao. but they have a daughter! so lershe has a little half-sister! and that little half-sister is resnerina!

because lycanthropes and kitsunes share a sort of similar ability in changing shape ya kno yeah, when yanya was a little kid, lershe was still “alive” as a mortal half-orc (lershe put off accepting that he was an immortal deity for a long time) and. was a big inspiration for yanya, naturally. these kids and people were giving him shit for being able to change shape into something that resembled an animal, but his uncle lershe can do it to, and HE’S a god!! so whatever!!

anyway so iq2 started off by all the characters running into each other in a little town in karnosea and some shit abt a cave off the outskirts of town getting ransacked by mercenaries or smth, idr

a little before then our DM said txeru and yanya were going to enter town together, and aria and karrina were going to enter town together, and we could come up w/ whatever reason why they’d end up together so txeru and yanya met first actually, just outside on town in a little tavern where they. probably got into a little scuffle just bc bar fights are fun. who cares. its fine. 

its ironic bc right now, in game, txeru and yanya are fucking pissed at each other! and its great. the drama is clearing my skin. my crops are prospering. 

basically txeru is a kasatha, an alien race not native to famia, and he’s come to famia trying to hide from two .. sort of alien police that’re after him for all the petty crimes he’s done. thing is, these two Very Specific alien cops are after him because. he kinda. was romantically involved with Both of them, one being his partner in crime and the other being of kasathan royalty–when he was backed into a corner and about to get caught he kind of ditched his partner and left the noble out high and dry so they’re both PISSED at him

they recently made their way to famia and found txeru, and after we TURNED TAIL AND RAN THE FUCK OFF from them, txeru explained his story

having his heart fucking shattered by ash, yanya kinda wasn’t super happy to find out txeru was a heart-shattering asshole himself! 

so he DECKED HIM IN THE FACE and hadn’t spoken a kind word to him in like, a week

NOW they’re talking, it’s just. every word they say to each other is some variant of “fuck you” and atm we’re waiting for a boiling point to hit to see if they’ll kiss and make up or if they’re just gonna have to hate each other! 8) im so excited

meanwhile this entire time, we’re level 10 right now. so half way to the capstone level 20. 

yanya still hasn’t formally revealed that he’s a kitsune to anyone in the group. but! as i said. the boy’s subtle as a brick thrown through a window. he’s slipped up enough times in his human disguise for just about everyone in the party to catch just a little something being off about him, but since most of the party is from artorias, away from the rarer races of karnosea, not everyone knows what a kitsune is

BUT we HAVE met a kitsune in game! madame fouxy (blame my dm for that name), but even then she only shifted from an actual fox shape to anthro fox shape, not to human shape. so they’re still unaware that kitsunes can even do that atm, meaning yanya’s ruse is hanging on by a thread lmfao

he’d just come out and say it bc he’s well aware everyone’s probably seen through him by now, but. it’s suppose to be a secret. knowing that everyone knows doesn’t make him wanna tell it, it makes him wanna convince everyone they’re wrong, even though they’re right, and he doesn’t like lying ,and if everyone’s already figured it out already, then he’s not doing a good job at keeping his own damn secrets, which freaks him out, and… etc

yanya’s favorite colors are red and blue, his favorite food is smoked rabbit, he’s 6′2″ flat on his heels in human shape, but he’s wearing stilettos bc he’s use to toe walking in fox-shape, which usually puts him up to about 6′4″, 6′5″..

he’s got a shit ton of muscle, and he eats a lot to keep up his energy! so he has his fair share of fat w a soft belly. he weighs probably anywhere from 250-300 bc im not good w weights lmfao

he has a total of.. 14 piercings, four on each ear, one on each eyebrow, two on his lips, one on his nose, and one on his tongue, almost all of which he got at the bard college lmfaoo

atm at level 10, he has 5 tails! only one spell-like ability from them, however, which is disguise self. 

he knows how to sew!

he has a fear of mirrors and heights.

it’s less a ‘fear’ and more. he doesn’t like looking at himself in the mirror, practically can’t stand it when he’s in human shape. seeing his human face all he can think is “liar, liar, liar” because that’s not his ‘real’ face. seeing his fox face he’s only reminded how much fewer people would rather see him this way. if he has to, he’ll much prefer looking at his fox face, however.

AND I THINK..THAT MAY JUST COVER IT..if it’s not everything it’s Pretty close, and if i come up w anything new ur probably gonna see me draw it at some point LMFAO

[ruveluarna-blog]

Development, Process, Collaboration

(This is our entire Facebook chat group, which shows our process of thought and elimination).

Hey gals! Alrighty, we need to get this project underway! Let's all post our ideas on here and we can throughout the week decide on an idea we really like? MarleenaYeah that sounds like a good idea  i will get back to u guys with an idea tomorrowMAR 31ST, 11:20AMMarleenaOkay, so there's a work in week 4's powerpoints (topic: responsibility) called "Rythm 0" by Marina Abramovic. Basically, Abramovic lay out a bunch of props and allowed museum goers to manipulate her body, with or without the props, for six hours. Yoko Ono did a reinterpretation of the idea, but allowed the audience to take turns snipping pieces of cloth from her clothes.MarleenaI think it'd be really interesting to take these ideas and spin them in a more positive and constructive way. (The Rythm 0 artwork ended pretty "violently" - someone used the provided loaded gun to position it against her forehead, and then there was a fight in the audience to make them stop etc)ImmiYes will have a look into this later today !MAR 31ST, 1:19PMYes I really liked that one, I checked it out on YouTube!I'm down for thisMaybe we can even do an installation type thing and record itSo many ideas! Where do you live Marlena?*marleenaI'm thinking we should all get together sometime before class next week if we can, if not we can prepare it all over here MarleenaI live near liverpool, western suburbs Im still trying to brainstorm ideas on how we could reinterpret the work tho Hmm okay that's like a 55 minute drive MarleenaLOL we can try meet up at uniI reckon if we all agree on this artwork, let's each brainstorm ideas on any sort of way in which we could reinterpret it, then just post ideas here. Maybe on Sunday we can try and decide on what we like best?Yeah I think so hahahMarleenaokay lets do that, sunday we'll make a decision on what idea to pursue Im not too familar with "time-based work" sooo gotta do some researchMAR 31ST, 6:09PMImmiAPR 1ST, 9:37PMHaha all good!APR 1ST, 11:19PMHere are some very rudimentary ideas so far!Oh I just had an idea, we could go up to randoms on campus and out in the city and get them to write one word and hold it in front of them and we can film them holding it up. We can get them to write down whatever; what they think life is, beauty is, what is real, what dreams are, what they are labelled, whatever you want!Just an idea APR 2ND, 9:31AMMarleenahey just finished reading your ideas! looking good so far i think right now though the ideas as they are dont really link to responsibility clearly or are resolved enoughim looking at some of the stuff u written and trying to think of ways to push them furtheri think the idea of taking something that is meant to shed light on the negative parts of being human, and flipping it to show positivity is something really interesting relating to responsibilityi think that idea of asking people a personal question, like what life is etc, that u suggested touches on that and has potential reminds me of that artist who let people write on a wall what they want to do before they diesorry if the stuff im saying sounds kinda disjointed or weird, cos i just woke up and im just writing what i think as it goes in my head hahaMarleenaan idea i had about transforming marina's work, is maybe laying out a table of items like she did but including "caring" items instead, like bandaids and spa stuff and chocolates. we can put out a chair and a camera, and people are allowed to use the stuff as long as they sit in the chairMarleenahey about that idea with recording people's smiles, itd be kinda cool to expand it and do it about human's relationship with others, not just smiling but hugging talking and high fiving etc. itd be interesting how it relates to physicality, and itd probs contrast really well with the marina workImmiHey guys! Soz for being a little MIA I was going to have a good look this morning and see if I can workshop some of the ideas we've got too so I'll let ya know :)) awesome job so far teamMarleenano worries ive been supa swamped with stuff too hahaAPR 2ND, 11:22AMImmiok so i was having a look at some of the work in the lecture slides from the documentation and editing week and this work i thought was pretty interesting-- we could have a wall where we get people to collaborate by writing ideas or or drawings on like sticky notes or scrap paper and then organise them on a wall and then the time based aspect could be a sped up video of people writing and adding to the wall?  http://monumenttotransformation.org/atlas-of-transformation/html/c/crisis-of-capitalism/crisis-of-capitalism-ayreen-anastas-rene-gabri.htmlCrisis of Capitalism | Ayreen Anastas, René GabriCrisis of Capitalism | Ayreen Anastas, René Gabrimonumenttotransformation.orgImmicould be like a question related to stuff going on in the world and how they would fix it? or invent something? and get people to draw sketches or write ideas?i don't know just thinking :))APR 2ND, 6:19PMMarleenai think thats an interesting take on documentation... like, it relates to the idea of a kinda "communal" documentation?its pretty interesting to create a public forum for documentation, kinda like designated grafitti walls or online forumsImmiYeah nice!APR 2ND, 7:58PMMarleenahi everyone, dunno bout u guys but im still kinda conflicted about this assignment hahai think all the major ideas we came up with so far have been pretty interesting and im having trouble deciding which one i like the mostwhat are your opinions on this assignment?? is there anything u guys r super keen on so far?or anything u rly wanna do?for me, i definitely wanna do something that's hyper creative and outside the box - for this assignment im a little afraid of doing something thats been done or reminds me of a facebook or youtube vid i watchedi think no matter what idea we pick i definitely want to push it to its limits Yeah Marlena in response to your first response I agree, they were all heaps rudimentary ideas that I quickly wrote down before bed and definitely need expansion - they were just an idea to kick us off  I like the smile/high 5/hug ideas. I definitely want to do something "fresh" as well so I'm with you on that! No body likes the same old same. I'm still conflicted about the assignment too haha. The only thing is we have to think about the readability of it all - we don't really want to spend money buying items, etc, and we have to think about how we can record it and where we will do it MarleenaThanks for brainstorming so much  im definitely also keen on saving money too - doing something performance-y like suggested or just paper and pen like immi's idea seem like practical ideas to keep costs lowYep I like!MarleenaThe idea i suggested about the "caring" items would probs be no good for thatHaha maybe not Good thought butOkay let's keep brainstorming then and maybe decide by Tuesday night?MarleenaHaha yeah lets see how it goesWorse comes to worse we can talk it through with the tutor on wednesdayYeah, I'm sure we will figure it out but!MarleenaI will try make a list of ideas like u did No probs. We could even make a Pinterest board or whatever MarleenaOohh high tech hahaAPR 3RD, 1:09PMOkay so let's decide tonight on something solid so we can each conduct rudimentary experiments tomorrow on our own and document on TumblrMarleenaOk understood Immiyep nice.. i think maybe doing a time lapse or something could be interestingand maybe doing a trial of that? could get audience involved through drawing? I'm happy to do that at college?MarleenaIm looking at that email again and i think that tutor is only talking about her class, not ours, so i doubt when we rick up to class our tutor is going to expect us to have anything prepared (she will probs even send us an email herself)Immiok coolMarleenaBut doing a little experiment for tumblr ourselves actually sounds like a good idea to get us started, practice-led research and suchImmianother random idea hahah could be to record sound? and say have a story where each person hears the previous story and then adds to it?MarleenaThat sounds like a fun experiment to try im down for that Immiawesome! just not sure which artist it would relate to?i guess we could just say we used "so and so" as a starting point and then developed our own idea?MarleenaUr documentation one defsImmiok cooland then could focus on sound/ voice documentationMarleenaThe idea is to deform and experiment anywaysImminice!MarleenaHow bout for our first experiment, immi u can make a voice recording of the beginning of a story, u can send it to me and i will send my bit to ruve So its kinda like chinese whispers hahaImminice!! so just do it ourselves? or with other people?MarleenaAfter ruve we can keep sending it along and in the end we can compile itImmiyep sounds goodMarleenaImmiwill havd to do it later this arvo though once I've finished work hahaMarleenaAll good Immiawesome! nice work teamMarleenaWhat's the concept of this voice thingy? Soz I'll be at work for the next few hours so I won't respond ehahahMarleenaSo basically one person makes a voice recording of the beginning of a story and passes it along, and the next person continues the story with their own recording and passes that along  kinda like chinese whispersOkay, how do we get ransoms to do that though? Also I'm keen to try some experiments with people where I live tonight/tomorrowImmiI recon just ask people if they want to be apart of it hahaJust a trialMarleenaWe were just going to start with our group and maybe we can ask our friends to volunteer? HahaImmiAnd we can build on itYeah coolImmiMarleenaWhat kinda live experiments were u thinking of ruve??Another idea - photograph people's shoes, and get them to describe them self in one word. Show the pic to someone else and get them to describe whose shoes they see in one wordOr something like thatI don't knowMarleenaThats kinda interesting  its kinda like that saying "if u were in their shoes" APR 3RD, 7:31PMHahah APR 4TH, 10:43AMMarleenaHey guys this is just a compilation of the total ideas we made up so far! Feel free to add it to ur tumbr as documentation  I brainstormed some more ideas and such and added them to the list, too responsibility – marina abramovik, rhythm 0 Sit in a busy location with a sign explaining what to do – one of us filming place cameras on campus that people can draw on create an instagram page like ‘humans of UNSW’ where people take selfies and talk about themselves get randoms in the city to write one word and hold it in front of them and we can film them holding it up – the prompt can be: what life is, beauty is, what is real, etc recording people interacting affectionately with their friends/other people – smiles, hugging, high fiving ask a question and get people to write their answers and stick them on us ask them to write one sentence if that was all they had left to say documentation – ayreen anastas & rene gabri, crisis of capitalism have a wall where people collaborate by writing ideas or drawings on sticky notes or scrap paper and then organise them on a wall – time-based aspect would be a sped up video of people writing and adding to the wall – could be a question related to stuff going on in the world and how to fix it, maybe just sketching or writing ideas recording sound – have a story where each person hears a previous story and then adds to it (currently experimenting with this idea since it’s low effort and cost effective) wouldn’t it be sick if we could make a kinda song and beat out of every person’s clip of audio? Haha would definitely be interesting photograph people’s shoes and get them to describe themselves in one word – show the pic to someone else and get them to describe whose shoes they see in one word some of the ideas we have here would definitely relate to both responsibility and documentation artworks – I think both topics just both naturally overlap really well PS: in the above ideas I left out ideas which would be too expensive or unrealistic to carry outMarleenaoh god i just realised the formatting is really wack hahaanyways I JUST HAD AN EXPLOSION OF INSPIRATIONim excited to hear what u guys think of it!! i will type it up. i kinda tried to continue upon what u both already thought of (just uhh typing it up)ImmiAwesome Marleena!! Killing it with the ideas I recon they are all good starting points- we can discuss in class tomorrow and I think next step will be about pushing the ideas so they are more interesting and unexpected  and perhaps considering time based and getting creative with how we approach it, so we aren't just creating a 5min film or audioMarleenayeah i definitely agree with interesting and unexpected ImmiImmiWe'll have lots to discuss in class :))Marleenaso uhh here's that exposion of inspiration i was talking about. reading it again, some of the logistics dont make any sense like how the projection is going to work but i will share it here anyway in the spirit of experimentation MarleenaGet a large sheet of blue cellophane and draw a picture of a crying person. Draw exactly the same picture but instead on a sheet of paper of the same size. (In faint pencil instead) Have people draw/write on the sheet of paper what they would do to cheer the crying person up. Record the entire process of people drawing/writing on the paper. Turn the video into a time lapse. Hang the sheet of cellophane in front of a projector. Play the video on the projector, align the pictures of the crying person. Result: get a cool time lapse video of people drawing, be left with awesome looking artworkImmiMarleenaHahahaHey guys, you're both awesome! I have to go to work again now but I'll check this all out later and post something to Tumblr!ImmiNice yeah I've got classes pretty much till 5 now so will check back in laterMarleenaAg ttyl APR 4TH, 9:52PMAlright, so I'm going to update my tumblr with our ideas, I really like what we've got so far!And I'm going to pinterest ideas too. Then tomorrow in class maybe we can discuss with Anna our inability to choose an idea because we like them all hahahAPR 6TH, 1:51PMImmihttps://docs.google.com/document/d/1U8dukQ49_29jkB9ViKhWvooZRMLgVwbAOS3aFafhOuU/edit?usp=sharing hey guys I've made a group doc here which i recon will be easy to post info on and share ideas APR 6TH, 7:17PMMarleenathanks immi! checking it out now ImmiNot much info now haha just added a tiny bit before will some more tomorrow Add what you want and we can start formulating and idea to pursue Cool! Love what you've written so far - I've never used google docs though so I may take a little to get used to it APR 7TH, 12:28PMMarleenahi immi! would u be able to give me edit access for the doc? i sent a request, ty ImmiYeah I'll do it when I'm back at uni APR 8TH, 4:39PMImmihttps://docs.google.com/document/d/1U8dukQ49_29jkB9ViKhWvooZRMLgVwbAOS3aFafhOuU/edit?usp=sharing sox guys had it wrong setting should work now!APR 8TH, 6:40PMCool I'll try to figure it out ImmiAPR 9TH, 9:36PMYeah I'm liking these ideas guys  maybe we should do some experiments around these concepts?MarleenaIMMI i just read your comments and i think you're right about just picking something and pushing through with itdoing some experiments around this would be an excellent ideaim thinking of just trying out some basic things on my family haha like instructing them on things, and seeing their reaction when ive told them what theyve done is the artwork lolYeah I like the instructions and the audience creating the artwork through their perspectiveBut I love film too so I'm keen for eitherBut yeah if we pick one then we can each do experiments around that and see what worksMarleenamaybe in one of ur experiments u can try think of a way to incorporate more film elements??im not too sure how to do that cos i dont think im creatively inclined that way but it could be rly cool like... maybe you can play a film with realy different sound from whats actually being played, and have the audience watch it once blindfolded but then reveal the actual footage afterYEAAAAHThat's cool!MarleenahahaAPR 13TH, 6:27PMMarleenahi guys! im just checking in to see how you are all feeling about the assignment i did some stuff and put it in the google doc, and i kinda have a vision for what i think would be goodAPR 14TH, 11:24PMHeya girl, I literally haven't thought any about it this week as I've been so busy, it's due first or second week back? Also I'm keen to try whatever MarleenaHaha no worries due wk 8 first week backLel we should probs get on it then Let's decide on it and run with itMarleenaI was continuing our asmr video idea and writing a script for the instructions and voice - some is in the google doc If u wanna continue that idea, could u look into ways we could get a voice to say the instructions?  How to record it, and maybe possibility of having music to it too?I dont think this idea will be too hard to accomplish with the little time we have leftAlso help and ideas on the script would be amazing Sorry if it seems im just pushing watevs i wanna do lol its just an idea if u guys wanna get the thing over and done with lolNo totally cool, we've only got about 12 days so all good  I'm keen to look into music and voice recording, I could get my brother to say it? He has a nice audio voice. I can do some recording for experiments and send them through and post on Tumblr?I'll send you through an example here too0:09This was for another assessmentJust a thought hahaMarleenaThats a gr8 idea! Itd be awesome if ur brother could do it  thatd be way better than a text to speech robot lmaoId love to see some experiments and stuff 2 on the tunblrIll try get the script done asap too  hopefully by early next weekIm a total noob at voice recording and stuff like that so uhh might need to rely on u guys for that lolHaha cool, I'm down! I'm with my family this weekend so I'll record my brother doing some experiments and I'll post to tumblr Any ideas on what you want him to say?I'm going to check the google doc nowMarleenaYeah its all there  its kinda unpolished but just what u want with it Have fun with ur family!!!Yeah cool, I like what you've written so far, I think it could be really cool! I'll get my brother to read out the script so far, and I'll play around with some rad sound effects to go with it! Are we still getting the audience to close their eyes?Also I reckon we could even do just the one piece, but have parts slowed down, made faster, toned up or down, with different 'music' or sounds to it to create different emotions?Maybe instead of having three different ones, show how we can create the atmosphere just through exploration with tone, etc?MarleenaThe stuff I've written i intended to just be one piece,  its just i wrote different versions and wanted to include in thr doc as documentation  the second script is the latest draft. Sorry should have clarified. I rly like the idea of using music and tone to create emotion and atmosphere! Pushes the limits of what audio can be MarleenaI think getting the audience to close their eyes would be good for immersion Oooh i just reread the docYeah rad, all good! Alrighty, so do we want the instructions to go for like 2.5 mins or so with their eyes closed, and then they have 2.5 mins to create the artwork? or do we actually want them to just sit an listen the whole time?hahahaMarleenaYeah those three paragraphs at the end r supposed to be part of the same script Making them sit there for 2.5 mins thinking of the artwork sounds sadistic but totally marina-esque xDI say we do ithahaahah okay!MarleenaItd probs be 3 parts audio 2 parts thinking instead thoHahahaso say we provide them with the artistic tools needed, they sit there eyes closed, then produce the work in the dark still with music/sounds still playing?MarleenaThis is the kinda thing which makes normal think arti d ts are crazy lmaoahahhahahlove it but!so trueMarleenaI reckon including the actual creating if the artwork by the audience would be interesting!  We wouldnt even have to have them blindfolded for that bit. Would be rly interesting to see wat they imagined Hand out pieces of paper and set up pencils etcmaybe in keeping with marina's style, we could give them a bunch of mediums to choose from, i.e. giving the audience even more controlyeah definitely not blindfolded, but maybe keep the lights lowish?are we going to blindfold them?that could be funMarleenaI was thinking of blindfolds during the audio instructions but probably not for the creating part yeah agreedMarleenaYay! This is exciting This is gonna be fun hahaYeah I'm keen!what sort of mood are we thinking? because the sound effects will create the mood and toneor are we trying to evoke more than one emotion?MarleenaIm thinking a calming and compelling moodIf we're going to evoke an emotion itd be inspiration?Or enlightenmentalrightyso maybe some intense parts to make them really think, but sort of calming as well?MarleenaYeah! radI'll get to work MarleenaA+Since we're including a creating part, maybe the length of the script we have is enough?Do u reckon u'd be able test that in ur experiment?I just realized the time lmao. Goodnight all! Im off to bedYeah no props haha night!APR 15TH, 9:46AMImmiNice guys!! I will have a read of the script and stuff today Awesome  I was checking out some awesome social vids on YouTube last night and they were really inspiring! I'll some the links through and you guys can check em, maybe we can use some of the ideas for experiments or whatever. Also for the actual product, maybe we can include some more personally encouraging words, like starting with, 'you... are amazing... beautiful ..." etc and continue with the script?Just an idea ImmiCool I'll have a read of the script and let you guys know what I think :)) so far seems v v good hahaRadddd  I'll have to post the links later on as I'm out and don't have them hahahttp://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Hzgzim5m7oU&vq=mediumThe Power of WordsHarness the power of words to grow your business today: http://tinyurl.com/phokf69 For personal transformation order Andrea Gardner's book 'Change Your Words...youtube.comCheck this out!ImmiI think itd be more interesting to have the audience create the artwork at the same time as the recording so maybe we could do a trial using this script.. I can do it with my brother and have hie draw at the same time and if one of you wants to do the script and have someone draw after? And then we can discuss the implications and results of each?Marleenaok sure i will test out having someone draw the thingo afterwards ImmiAwesome :))APR 15TH, 6:29PMyeah great idea, that can be one of our experiments  I'm getting my brother to record it tonight so once it'd done I'll send it through and start playing with sound effects )ImmiQuestion, do either of you play an instrument?also I've added the youtube vids to google doc if you wanna check them out Marleenaunfortunately i dont haha all good, was just wondering for the soundtrack alright, here is my first edit!Play-5:01Unmutelet me know what you do/don't likeI added a few words to your script Marleenahope that's okay!APR 16TH, 10:13AMImmiokki so just did this with my brother and feedback is: that if we are drawing at the same time as the audio then it should be a littler more instructional.. not telling you what to do explicitly but perhaps having some words like "draw" or "translate this thought to the page" so that the audience knows to communicate the image they have in their head on the page. However, also good to draw after so having say 1-2 minutes of straight talking about imagining different things and then 1-2 mins after to drawMarleenai listened to the audio and i think the words u added helped out the script a lot ruve  enhanced it moreso i just tested out the audio and i definitely agree, the way it is designed now is best suited to having the drawing/creating component after the audioi think if we want to create a more "immersive" and ASMR-like experience, keep the drawing and audio separateMarleenai really enjoyed the music of the audio, i think it fits the tone of the piece well  my only thoughts are to add longer pauses between certain lines (like the one which says "i'll give u a minute" - this will help with immersion and give the audience space to think) and also refining the script more (tho i think it's pretty alright now)Marleenaother than that, only the final details are left. for the drawing/creating component, we can hand out A4 pieces of paper and any other materials to let people use (im sure the class will have stuff they can use to draw lmao) and for the audio part, i was thinking of just tearing up old rags and such for blindfolds  we could probably also get bedsheets to block out the window light as well, if u guys wanted ImmiI agree with the audience closing their eyes but it might be enough for them to just close their eyes? As then they have to conscious of not seeing and focusing on imaging? Also it could be good to leave the drawing up to the audience where they either draw during or after?Like if they have an idea they can jot it down but then have time after to drawAPR 16TH, 12:36PMMarleenai agree blindfolds might not be necessary, i just thought it might be good for immersion if its completely dark for them (and if their eyes open up a little bit, they still cant see) - i think for the sake of being immersed in the audio, it would better to have drawing afterwards so they can concentrate on thinking of what they will drawMarleenaim a bit worried if we leave it up to the audience they will chit chat during the audio lolAPR 16TH, 6:26PMImmiTrue pointAPR 16TH, 10:55PMRad! Glad you guys like it  yeah I definitely think I need to make some pauses longer, my brother said it pretty quickly. So you think the songs good to keep then? Yeah I reckon just to really immerse the audience we should blindfold them, and get them to draw once the voice says "open". The music will still be playing and I reckon keep it dark to keep the mood. Do you want to add anything else to the script? Also I reckon we should provide the art materials so we can point to that being the "responsibility" of us as the artist's APR 17TH, 9:45AMImmiYeah and I think discuss, in linking to marinas work, responsibility in terms of the 'creator' and whether the artist has to be the creator or whether the audience can be the creator etcYeah APR 17TH, 11:24AMMarleenaok, i will look over the script thing again soon - u guys can go over it again and add what u want as well umm im not really too sure what to add and i guess adding too much might be bad for time limit reasonsglad things are coming along!!  feeling less stressed already lolOkay no props, I'll work on it later today  all good! don't stressAPR 18TH, 9:52AMMarleenai just checked over the script again  added a few things here and there! looking good guysTUE 8:34PMOkay cool, let's have it finalised by tomorrow night then? And I'll get my brother to say it again Marleenasure thing! im fine with it if everyones ok with this deadline ImmiYep cool! I'll have a look in the morn sorry I've been trying to get a science report done ahh haha tomorrow night is good though WED 9:16AMImmiokki cool i re-listened to the audio and left a couple of comments on the google doc in regards to specific parts. If you guys want to have a look and then we can workshop the ideas into the final piece? :)) keen to do it in class and see what results we get hahaMarleenahullo ur up early!! hahai just checked ur comments and took ur advice into account and removed+added things i think its pretty much done!! i think its pretty interesting how u felt super relaxed and didnt feel like making art afterwards listening to it  am also keen to see what everyone else things - for me, its more like it inspires me rather than gives me great ideas etcWED 1:38PMImmiNice ! Yeah I think everyone will respond to it differently which is cool THU 1:11AMRad! I'll send the script again to my bro and then put together the piece, did you want me to keep the same musical soundtrack? Anything else you want me to add to it? We could even get the audience to just simply write one word about it or whatever as well THU 8:25AMMarleenaI think the same music is gr8, the only thing i rly wanna add is dramatic pauses xDFRI 12:04AMYeah great, I'll do it!FRI 9:37AMMarleenaso about the drawing bit, did any of youse have a4 paper and other drawing supplies at home that you could bring in for next wednesday?ImmiI've got A4 cartridge paperI've got pencils and heaps of mediums they can useAlso, what are we as the artist's going to do during this process?Are we going to do it too, or sit there as an object, watch and take notes, what?FRI 12:53PMImmimaybe we could also do it?then there isn't an 'us' and 'them' its just everyone responding to the audio?Marleenai think we might need to explain things a bit (like telling everyone to remain seated in the beginning and relax, and afterwards explaining we're going to give them to tools to draw what they want afterwards) because the audio isn't extremely explicit about thisso we might not be able to participate because we need to keep things running hahaImmitrueMarleenajust trying to think of the logistics because our class is pretty chatty/distracted sometimesImmior we could explain at the start everything and then the audio goes and once its finished we just have time to draw?haha true marleenaMarleenahahahayeah thats a good ideagive a little explanation at the beginning, prepare the art stuff, and then we can all participate togetherImminice :)) and then if we have to just stop and explain thats fine toowe won't really know how its going to pan out until we've done it any way! so will just have to see eee!Marleenayeah  no worries at allid appreciate if u guys could bring in the art stuff you have, i will too, i dont thing we'll need much paper just one sheet for everyone (like 20-30pcs), will only need pencils and other basic stuff as well, not to mention everyone in class probs has their own stuff tooImmiyeah for sure! i don't have a whole heap of stuff just cos I'm at not living at home but I've got some acrylic paint that i could bring ? and ill bring what ever i can find :))FRI 6:12PMMarleenanice! thanks FRI 9:04PMYeah man I have heaps I'll bring it all! What if I get my brother to say all of that, so we don't have to even talk at all? That could be kind of cool - like we remove ourselves so that we become part of the artwork, instead of having to explain ourselves? And then we can participate too?MarleenaYou know, that could work! We'd have to figure out the timing etc but itd be awesome!! Okay, I'll tweak the script a bit and get it done!FRI 10:51PMMarleenathanks  i will also tweak a little to help, if its not too lateYeah go ahead! I'll get him to do it tomorrowSAT 1:22AMImmiNice!!I'm happy to record stuff too if you need  but otherwise it's looking v goodSAT 2:52AMSure, if you like  just for continuity though do you think we should have just one voice? We could both record people tomorrow and compare the sound before I edit it if you like? SAT 8:14AMImmiHmm true, maybe it would work better with just one person? I guess depends if we want the instructions and audio to be connected or separate, what do you guys think?Marleenai think connected would be less jarring ImmiYeah true, ok in that case ruve are you ok in recording both parts?Marleenait should be ok, i just checked the script again and added in more instruction-type phrases and there's not much extra ImmiOk cool :))Marleenaso i read the script a dozen times lol, i was thinking instead of adding in the script "please use the materials at hand to create your artwork", we could have a slide on the projector instead say it? so that it kinda doesnt break the narrator's character as "our conscience"so that when everyone opens their eyes, they see the instructions on the projector to begin creating their artwork etcImmiYeah that could be good! We would just have to make sure that everyone stays on task I guess cos it could be easy for people to just stop thinking once the audio is over?Or we just have in the introduction that after the audio we will be drawingAnd then have the slide up? So that the audience is already thinking about creating a work from the audio and then once the audio is over they can go straight into it?Marleenai tried adding that bit to the audio but i think it breaks the atmosphere and also "ruins the surprise"cos i was thinking of our intentions and it might be better to have an authentic "first impression" by the audience?ImmiYeah trueMarleenaits kinda like, the intrigue plus if they knew theyd have to draw stuff, it might spoil the effect of the audioImmiYeah nice and then I guess linking to responsibility too and that they don't know before hand they are drawingMarleenayeah!ImmiYep I agree, will take away from the meditative aspectOk cool maybe we have the slideMarleenaalso about staying on task, the music will still be going during the drawing, and they're not drawing for too long, so it shouldnt get too crazyuhh hopefully LOLImmiHahaMarleenacos audio is what, 2 or 3 minsImmiYeah about thatI think 2 mins plus Intro?Marleenayeah i reckon it will be ok ImmiMaybe we can record the audio at the end of ruves brother saying the bit about drawing and then we can cut it out later if it interferes too muchBut at least we then have the option Marleenagood idea, doesnt hurt to try it outnice!! glad everything's coming along!! SAT 10:49AMYep cool, I'll get him to say it all then I'll do two recordings (we can use one for an experiment for Tumblr). If we have a slide, do you think the light of it will be too distracting? Or maybe we could have a really dark slide, almost like an artwork in itself, and have the words almost hidden there so they have to concentrate on reading it? Also, if we place paper in front of them they'll know they have to draw, so for an element of surprise we could perhaps place maybe a box with things in it secretly when they are listening (but then we can't listen) or we could just put the materials out front and let them choose? But that could take too longThoughts?MarleenaWhile their eyes r closed and theyre listening to the recording, we can just put on the slide and set up the art things  we can make the slide have a black background with white textI think the light will be ok like that - also btw i dont think i will end up making blindfolds because it doesn't seem too necessaryI think it will be fine just asking them to close their eyes - simplicity is bestIts a shame if we do it this way we wont be able to participate, but it sounds like it will run most smoothly if we handle the behind the scenesIm not too sure wat u mean about placing a box with things in it, putting all the stuff out front sounds good and simple and i dont actually think it will take too longIm worried having the text be too unreadable will take focus away from the limited time they have to draw Yeah no not so unreadable they can't read it, just dark enough so the light isn't too much, but yeah a black background  what I mean by a box is just having all the same materials placed inside maybe a box, one for each table, so they don't have to get up which should take less time?I know, what if we do the audio after we finish making it before class, and include it in our final product and compare ours as the artist's with the audience?That way we still get to do it and it could be more of a comparison?MarleenaThat would be pretty interesting  do u mean doing it alone or meeting up?I think its a little l8 to meet up but i can try it out defsImmiYeah we could do it separately or before class if there's time?No we wouldn't have to meet up, I mean each of us do it respectively at home ImmiOk yeahMarleenaYeah defs!ImmiAnd we could also compare doing it by yourself vs with other peopleJust so it adds another element to it?Yeah!ExperimentsLolMarleenaI think the box idea for each table is gr8, you dont even have to get a box u can just evenly spread it out  on each tableSo we could bring ours in and maybe even display them nicely whilst everyone has eyes closed? But maybe have them flipped so they can't see them until we reveal them at the end after they've drawn something?Yep okay cool MarleenaHahaha i like thatAlso, we don't want them to talk or look at each other's work right?What can we do to stop them doing this?MarleenaSlap their wrists with a rulerAlso don't forget the lights can't turn off, so are we blocking out the windows?Hahahah Hahahah#marinaMarleenaHahaAlso is there anything else that needs to be added to the script before I record?MarleenaWe could block them out, only thing wed need is sheets  white is ok but still lets light in, black would be betterIts not entirely necessary but might be coolAlso ye done with the script, the blue writing is the instruction bits I think having the calming music playing moderately loud will make them not talk as much - should keep them in the moment for 2-3 minsSo maybe in the audio u could raise the volume of the music just a little during the creating phase? We could include on the slide that they shouldnt talk etc but i think that's the extent of our power Yeah great idea I can do that Okay I'm not sure I have any black sheets but let's see what we can findAnd good idea having the instructions in blue!I'm keenMarleenaBlue font! Good idea No stress, the sheets arent entirely necessaryRadMarleenaOH i thought u meant have the instructions in blue font xDLike on the slideHahah that's okay, what colour do you want them?MarleenaAhh it doesnt really matter as long as the background is black - i was thinking dark grey,  white or calm blueYep coolSAT 9:42PMOkay so they are going to have about 40 seconds to get down their ideas lolBut that could be coolSAT 10:46PMOkay! I've done the edit, I'll send it through once it's uploaded and you can see what you think Also we should definitely give it a title Should we make note of the fact they don't have long and say that it was for a specific purpose?MarleenaSounds good! Good for reflectionAlso once I send it through, do you reckon we should get 3 people each to do it, and then we can compile these pieces together, maybe make a collage to post on Tumblr, and can display them on Wednesday as well?Just to add even more depth?https://www.youtube.com/uploadYouTubeShare your videos with friends, family, and the world.accounts.google.comhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNIUppJHQTYRUMINATION (audio artwork)This audio piece was a collaboration with two other art students. We have created an audio set of 'guidelines' in the contemplative stage, or the conceptual ...youtube.comsoz ignore the first one!I've called it Rumination for my youtube account, but if you don't like that we can change it! let me know what you guys think of it and if you want something changedAlso we can't forget to write our 300 words SUN 1:52AMImmi awesome! And thankyouu Haha would have likely forgotten about thatSUN 9:23AMMarleenaomg not gonna lie i completely forgot that as wellalso i think testing the audio out on ppl and displaying them is a nifty idea  not entirely necessary tho so dont have to stress about itMarleenaso just listened to the audio... having a mixture of putting the instructions on the screen and having ur brother read them out worked surprisingly well!  that was a good touch. i think we can actually afford to cut out some of the audio to make more time for the creating process at the endMarleenahmm ohh actually, i think a minute is alright, i just went over the audio againi went to the google doc and i underlined the chunk we could cut out if we wanted to extend the creating time, lemme know what u guys think  im pretty happy with what we have so far btw, i think we did a gr8 jobSUN 9:58PMCool! I think I actually don't mind the monologue taking up most of the time, because for me personally, I see the work as something that stimulates the conceptual stage rather than focus on the production of a piece, so I reckon a minute is okay. But I can edit it again if you both like  if we had a little extra time at the end we could possibly gather the pieces and display them out the front, but that may take too long anyway. Also, shall we all just write 100 words each about the project? Say we allocate a dot point each? Or would you prefer to do it a different way?Marleena100 words each sounds good Immiyeah i agree i think the drawing doesn't need to be too long as it is mostly about creating an image mentallyMarleenaYeah, im ok with not cutting much out tooImmiand yep 100 words sounds goodAlrighty, leave it as is then? Okay great, let's look at the rubric then decide what we shall each write?Also, do you mind if I post the vid to Facebook? I wanted people to do it and send me pics of their work, just to see what they created MarleenaLol no worries at all go ahead!Rad!I'm just looking up the assessment now Immiyes for sure!MarleenaYeah same Ahh sweetImmiim going to bed now cos I've got my stats exam tomorrow :// so will be able to do my 100 words tomorrow afternoon/ evening after the exmaMarleenaNo worries,  good luck with ur exam Immiahhh thanks! hahaAll good! Good luck!!I think I need to make the music a bit louder during the drawing process?Just listened to itMON 8:35AMMarleenathat sounds like a good idea considering we're going to be playing it in a large room, which might make the music sound even softerso i checked what the 300 word statement has to be about, and it basically needs to include: the original artwork chosen, the relevant weekly topic, and the process of productionso yeah! we can just pick a subject each, and write 100 words on that  if u guys dont mind, i will get started on "the original artwork"Yep cool! Immi want me to do the process of production so I can talk about the editing process?ImmiAwesome so I'll do weekly topic and how it links to responsibility?Marleenayup. woohoo! ImmiMarleenaso i just put mine in the end of our google doc for convenience MON 12:14PMImmiMON 7:25PMAwesome! Let's all put them there and then collate it so we can put it on our tumblrs MON 10:24PMHey girls! I've done my piece too, so I'm just editing them all together now, I hope that's okay  how'd you go today Immi?ImmiGood exams all done and I've put up my 100 words to the docWill do the audio tomorrow and drawing etc tooI'm happy to edit them if you want ruve! You've done heaps of work already :))Awesome! Yeah I know, I'm stitching the three together It's okay I'm almost done! I'll post it and then you can change it if you like ImmiOkki cool :)) awesomeOh yes I'll do the audio tonight too! Though it's hard with us because we already know what to expectOk it's up so you can check and change if you like Chat Conversation EndSeen by everyone Type a message, @name...

[defholiq]

serendipity ⇢ one

pairing: im jaebum x reader genre: college au. fluff. prompt: a phone call is enough to prompt him out of bed when sleep is all jaebum’s used to doing at night, but of course you’d have other plans in store. author’s note: for the prompt, “you, me, and adventures under the stars?”

If there’s one thing Jaebum would rather spend his night doing, it’s sleeping.

He enjoys resting his eyes, allowing his terse muscles to contract, and listening to his own heartbeat mingle with the sound of his breathing. There’s no actual method to this, just that once his eyes are shut and his limbs are in the confines of his warm bed, there’s nowhere else he’d rather be. His mind drifts, and it isn’t long until he’s fast asleep, dreamless, and subconscious almost instantly knowing when it’s time to wake up (what’s the point in having alarm nowadays?) with more things on his plate than the previous day. At least it feels this way.

The last he actually found enjoyment in something without any other pretence of responsibility was probably meeting you. There was something about the way you didn’t let him get away with his cold, harsh phonemes, immediately calling him out after he had bumped you in the street. It was anything but a busy day for him though the moment he stopped to hear you, glaring at him with a hand placed on the swell of your hip… he couldn’t resist supplying his own retort with sharpness and matched irritation. When that got you more fired up, he couldn’t seem to remember where he was headed in the first place until you mentioned it and he took off, but not before you caught him and said that he owed you another cup of tea.

Of course who was he to deny himself an opportunity to see you again?

And he sure as hell hasn’t regretted it ever since.

It’s become blatantly clear to him that with you there’s always this insatiable need to rack up as much time with you that he can muster. He can’t explain why, but even when you made him late to his film project meeting, leaving him slightly miffed afterwards, he can’t deny how much he enjoys the feelings you elicit within him.

It’s still and calm. No deadlines to plague his mind. No worries about whether he’s doing a good enough job or not. No, it’s just white noise with you. Like his favourite song or that stillness before he sleeps.

So even when you rip him from the comforts of his own bed, the sound of your voice resonating throughout the emptiness of his bedroom asking him to meet you outside, he sits up.

Despite the playful need to deny you your request, his lips quirk up at the proposition: “You, me, and adventures under the stars?”

If he really wanted to mess with you he could probably laugh at the ordeal, but before he can supply his own bout of feigned indifference you supplement another statement that rolls a genuine chuckle off his lips.

“I heard you get up so don’t act like the idea is completely terrible.”

“Well…” He draws out the word, earning a sharp sigh from your end. He shrugs on a T-shirt, tossing his phone onto the bed and grabs a pair of jeans hanging precariously on the back of his desk chair. “It isn’t. I like it.”

“Could this be? The infamous cold-hearted Im Jaebum actually admits to liking something?”

“I told you I liked you before, didn’t I?”

“Actually,” You say sharply, “I was the one who told you I liked you first.”

“Same difference.”

He hears you utter a string of negations and whines over the matter, all of which gives him enough time to grab his wallet, a coat, and a beanie before he sees you outside his doorway. He ends the call once he shuts the door behind him, a smirk curving on his lips as soon as you let out another string of whines and even an eye roll at the gesture but you still reach over and pull him close into your arms, giving him a firm squeeze around the torso.

“Why’d you hang up, dummy?”

You look up at him, giving him a small pout but he just kisses your forehead, brushing aside the mess of hair aside before he plops the beanie atop the soft locks. At least you’ll be relatively protected from the possible dangers of gaining a cold.

“Because you’re right in front of me, dummy.”

The grin on your lips is undeniable, and the smirk of his melds into a grin to match yours. You entwine your fingers with his before you whisk him away to God knows where. Away from the warmth of his bed, away from the comforts of sleep, away from the looming doubts that waver when he least expects it in all his bone-deep fatigue.

Whatever you have planned for him… he’s certainly happy to lose sleep over it.

[mybiasissunshine17]

Nude (Markjin)

Jinyoung sighed in relief has the bell rang to end class. Closing his sketchbook and throwing his bag over his shoulder he made his way out of art class and back to his dorm. He was a college student, majoring in art. His dream was to be an artist. To travel around the world drawing everything and everyone he laid eyes on. Although he didn't look it, what with his neatly styled black hair and and primmed glasses he looked more like a buisness man then an artist.

His parents didn't like his passion for drawing. They wanted him to go into a more realistic field. Like a doctor or a lawyer. They wanted to make sure that Jinyoung could always provide for himself and then more some. Money was extremely important to his parents but to Jinyoung all he wanted for his future was happiness and drawing. Thus, he decided to tell his parents off and save a shit ton of money for dorm fees and college tuition seeing as his parents wouldn't put money into the career they didn't want their son to pursue. Jinyoung didn't mind. In fact, he was glad he could do this himself. He didn't need help from unsupportive parents.

Once he made it to his dorm he unlocked it and walked inside after closing the door behind him, locking it once more. He always locked his door. Even though this was an art school, there were still some crazy musicians that like to wreck havoc. Best to keep your things locked up, just in case. Strolling over to his desk he dropped his bag at his feet and opened up his sketch book.

His entire life was in his sketch book. All of the things he would look at for more then 3 minutes throughout the day, he would draw. If he didn't spend much time looking at whatever it was then to Jinyoung, it wasn't important enough to be in his sketchbook. His drawings ranged from landscapes, to the night sky, to the beautiful pond that was located behind the college. But most of a his sketchbook contained the most beautiful thing he laid his artist eyes on.

Mark.

Jinyoung knew it was creeping but his motto was that if he looked at something for more than 3 minutes he had to draw it because it was special. He would always look at Mark for longer. Well, unless Mark sensed someone was watching him. That's when Jinyoung would look away. He knew it was pretty creepy. That's why he would never let anyone see his sketchbook. It's not like there was only one picture. No, the sketchbook was filled with pictures of Mark.

Mark was a photographer. Jinyoung would usually see him around campus with his camera. That's when Jinyoung would watch him, observing everything about him so he could draw it all down when he got back to his dorm. Mark looked the most beautiful when he was taking pictures. His eyes would light up and his body would go completely still so he could get the perfect picture. When he would finsih taking one Mark would close his eyes for a moment and open them again as if he sensed just what he needed to take a picture of and then would continue.

It's not like Jinyoung was in love with Mark or anything. It was just that it was against his nature to refuse to draw something so beautiful and that was what Mark was. Beautiful.

Jinyoung blushed as he picked up his drawing pencil and began drawing the beautiful boy once more.

~

"Alright class, the culminating assignment is simple." Jinyoung could hear groans come from the other students at the word "culminating". Jinyoung didn't mind. He didn't want to be cocky but he was confident that whatever it was it wouldn't be to hard. He waited to hear what his drawing teacher, Mr.Doe had to say.

"Mrs. Kim and I have decided we will be partnering you up with the Photography class." The class fell silent. Even Jinyoung looked up from his sketch book with confusion. How was this going to work?

Mr. Doe chuckled. "I know this is something we haven't done before but I think it's a great idea. You will be partnered up with someone from Mrs. Kim's class and you will have to use said partner as a model to draw a highly realistic portrait. Of course you will also be a model for you partner to take pictures. Everyone understand?"

The class all nodded, enthusiastically. They never got to work with other classes so it was exciting. Although it wasn't for Jinyoung. He has never  worked with anyone before and he has never had to use someone has a model. Well without them knowing it that is. The only one who has ever seen his work was Mr. Doe and Jinyoung wanted to keep it that way but it looked liked seeing as this was his culminating he didn't have a choice. He needed the mark. (Not the beautiful boy, Mark.)

"So without further ado, I will announce your partners. Kunpimook, you will be paired with Jackson Wang, Luhan you will be paired with Lay, Youngjae, you and Im Jaebum, Yoongi, you and Jeon Jungkook..."

Jinyoung waited for his name to be called out, nervously twirling his drawing pencil in his hand. He hoped he would get anyone but...

"Jinyoung you will be paired with Mark Tuan."

Jinyoung froze. It was like his entire world just tumbled to ruins in that one moment.

"That's it. I want to jump off a cliff." He thought miserably.

The bell conveniently rang, saving Jinyoung from the mental break down that was bound to happen in front of the entire class.

How could this happen?

~

Jinyoung was currently in the small, cramped kitchen of his dorm cooking ramen. His dorm was pretty small seeing as he couldn't afford a bigger on that most of the other students had. He didn't mind really. He had enough space for his things and he wasn't getting a room mate anytime soon to his relief.

Jinyoung busied himself stirring his noodles, trying not to think about how he was going to approach Mark. For the first time might he add. He knew he had to. If he didn't get this grade his parents would make him go home. He would rather die.

As he brought his food to the table Jinyoung heard a loud knock on his door. Groaning, he walked over to his door. He had no idea who it could be seeing as he didn't have any friends who knew where his dorm was.

Jinyoung opened his door to come face to face with no one other Mark Tuan himself. Jinyoung gulped. Dammit. He beat me to it.

"Jinyoung," he said. "I thought maybe we could work on the culminating?" Jinyoung didn't answer. He was to busy staring at Mark's face and his bright red hair. He had never seen his face up close before. God, how he would love to draw it right now. His eyes widen when he realized that that would soon come true.

"Um, Jinyoung?" Mark waved his hand in front of Jinyoung's face but he still didn't register. "Bruh, earth to Jr.!" He snapped out of it when he heard what Mark called him.

"What did you just call me?" He gave Mark a death glare but Mark just chuckled.

"I know, I know, It's Jinyoung now. I just called you that to get your attention." Jinyoung rolled his eyes, a small smile tugged at his lips.

"Anyway, I asked if you wanted to work on the culminating assignment?"

Jinyoung hesitated but knew he had to do this. "Yeah sure. Why not? How about we start with your half of the culminating." He said, trying to prolong the inevitable.

Mark raised a brow. "Anxious to be Mark Tuan's model?" Mark smirked.

Jinyoung's face heated. "N-no It's not t-that" he stuttered, nervously. Mark just laughed and waved his hand. "It's cool man. Let's go to the studio. There are some clothes there you can try on."

Jinyoung gulped and followed Mark out the door. "Someone save me."

~

Jinyoung was currently in the bathroom of the photography studio trying on an outfit and regretting his life choices. It's not like he hated the outfit in fact, he quite liked it. He was just embarassed to have Mark see this side of him. What most people didn't know was that Jinyoung used to do modeling and actually always wanted to do it on the side.

Jinyoung looked in the mirror to observe the outfit on him. It looked pretty good. He tried not to be nervous as he took a deep breath and stepped out of the bathroom.

He looked around for Mark to tell him he was ready but didn't see him anywhere. That is until he the click of a camera from behind him.

Jinyoung practically jumped 10 feet in the air. "FRICK"

Mark let out a snort of laughter at Jinyoung's reaction. He was bent over, tears pooling his eyes as he held his side. Jinyoung rolled his eyes after composing himself.

Mark was still laughing when Jinyoung spoke. "Okay, you can stop laughing now. It wasn't that funny."

"It was actually really funny" Mark chuckled. " Too bad I didn't get a picture of that. It was the perfect moment."

"Oh yeah, too bad." Jinyoung replied, sarcastically.

Mark looked him up and down, his eye brows raised in surprise. "Wow, you look really hot."

Jinyoung blushed at Mark's bluntness, not expecting that kind of reaction. "U-um thanks," he got out, looking down at his feet. He all of a sudden felt vulnerable as Mark observed him.

"Let's just start, yeah? Where do you want me to stand?" Jinyoung watched as Mark shook his head, as if he was trying to rid himself of unwanted thoughts.

"Yeah, just over there in front of the green screen." Mark said gesturing across the studio where a stool awaited. Jinyoung made his way over and sat down as Mark turned on the camera that was always around his neck and raised it to his face.

"Wait, aren't you going to use any of the lights?" Jinyoung said as he looked around the studio. Mark just smiled.

"I don't need them. I like my pictures natural. Besides you don't need lighting to be beautiful." Jinyoung gaped but Mark didn't seem to notice.

Mark brought his camera up to his face as Jinyoung posed. Mark took a few pictures then looked at him with surprise. "You were a model?"

"How did you know?"

Mark chuckled. "I can tell when someone is meant to have pictures taken of them."

Jinyoung nodded, a faint smile etched on his face.

~

Jinyoung fiddled with his sleeve as Mark and him walked back to his dorm. It was now time to do his half of the project and he was terrified. Jinyoung could feel his fingers shake. How was he supposed to draw with shaky fingers? Jinyoung then made a vow that he would jump off a cliff if he ruined the masterpiece that was Mark Tuan.

The boys walked into Jinyoung's dorm. Mark followed Jinyoung to his desk and watched as he pulled out a sketch book and a drawing pencil. Mark noticed his hands shaking.

"Hey you don't have to be nervous. Your amazing." Jinyoung looked up at Mark surprised. "You've seen my work?"

Mark nodded. "I've seen them on bulletin boards at the college," Mark shifted on his feet. "In fact, I've always wanted you to draw me."

Jinyoung paused, unsure of what to say.

"Hey can I use your bathroom? You know, to freshen up" Mark asked. Jinyoung nodded still dumbfounded. He pointed to the bathroom and watched Mark walk away and close the door behind him.

Jinyoung let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. Did Mark really want Jinyoung to draw him? Jinyoung shook his head to clear his thoughts. He need to concentrate on the art. He couldn't distract himself with such thoughts. He began setting up his space while Mark was in the bathroom. He cleaned up his desk a little bit and began doodling in his sketch book as he waited.

Jinyoung lifted his head from his book when he heard Mark walk out of the bathroom. He gasped, his eyes wide.

There Mark was. Red hair slightly wet and covering his eyes a bit, a smirk tugging at his lips. Not to mention he was completely naked. Jinyoung shrieked and threw a hand over his eyes.

This cannot be fucking happening.

Mark chuckled lowly and walked over to Jinyoung. Bending down to his level, he slowly took Jinyoung's hand from his wide eyes.

"I want you to draw me...like this." Jinyoung gulped.

"I-I'll g-get in t-trouble from Mr. Doe." Jinyoung managed to get out.

Mark smiled and brought his face closer to Jinyoung's. "You won't. In fact you'll probably get an even better grade for this. It's professional." Jinyoung stared at Mark's face. "Besides, a budding artisit needs this kind of experience. I want to be your first."

Jinyoung's face heated as he tried to calm his pounding heart and the growing...intensity he was physically feeling.

He watched as Mark sat down in front of him, positioning himself. Jinyoung lifted a shaky hand to his sketch book as Mark nodded for him to go on. He closed his eyes for a moment to relax. He needed to concentrate.

When Jinyoung opened his eyes again he felt different. Less afraid. All he knew was that he needed to draw Mark to the best of his ability. It wasn't about the grade anymore.

Mark smiled as Jinyoung traced his pencil across the paper, often bringing his eyes back to Mark for reference. He started with Mark's eyes first, then to his nose, mouth, eyebrows. He moved on to his beautifully sculpted jawline and neck.

Mark watched Jinyoung draw, fondly. He seemed to go into a whole different world when he drew. Mark thought Jinyoung looked most beautiful when he was doing what he loved. He also noticed his cheeks turn pink when he had to draw the...lower regions. Mark smirked. He finally got Jinyoung exactly where he wanted him.

Jinyoung blushed as he drew the lower regions of Mark's body but felt content and relaxed. He liked Mark like this. Venerable for him, wanting to be drawn. It felt intimate to him. Jinyoung smiled. He finally has the masterpiece he calls Mark Tuan exactly where wanted him.