#im 21 i cant keep doing this
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haha 👍
#eh nothing too bad. just that my executive dysfunction has gotten like. So Much Worse.#i procrastinate on Everything.#i had these two important tasks i needed to do#one from june one from september.#i only NOW am finally doing them#its mostly the fact those two tasks require making phonecalls and there is absolutely nothing in this world that i hate more than phonecall#but its also in smaller things?#i keep absolutely RUINING my sleep because i literally cannot be asked to go to bed. i think about it so hard but i cant move my muscles to#actually do it#and. honestly. i havent really Really drawn in like. a year. maybe more. i cant really remember. i just cant consistently draw anymore.#like i used to#oh yea my memory is also worse. fun#ugh i still have so many things to do and i feel so so so bad about all of it .................#any friends and mutuals im really truly sorry if you messaged me and i didnt see it or didnt reply#im like. (gestures vaguely). yeah.#ok chris rant done thank you for reading#aaaaaa ok it felt good to at least let it out.#im gonna try my best to be better about it this year#im 21 i cant keep doing this#alright now im really done BYEEEE#chris noises#vent#misc
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Sometimes when you're really ill and there's no cure for your disability and you look around and everyone in your life is so kind to you and trying to help you and genuinely believes that you can get better it feels. Almost isolating. Like I'm the only out there that knows the truth or something. I'm the only one who knows.
#sophie speaks#tw suicide#tw vent#tw disability#i just kinda wanna die all the time these days#like im not gonna do anything about it and the world will keep spinning as it always does#i really do feel like im stuck in a time loop or something#and all that happens is that i slowly get sicker and sicker... cant even leave my room much anymore#it feels. idk maybe i am getting close to the end ot my rope#when even my escapism doesnt work am i going to be willing to suffer each and every day?#ive wanted to die since i was 13 and im turning 21 this year#its like that one song 'i was either gonna die at 12 or ninety-fuckin-three'#but imagining 70-80 more years of this... god what torture#idk its a waiting game. im in pain all the time but if i die im dead so#god damn it it made me think of that one stupid meme with the two miners and the wall of diamond#and one of them gives uo just before he gets it lmao#unfortunately i am not an idiot and that image was probably made by some crypto bro#i am not going to get better#sing it with me lads fibromyalgia has no cure baby lets go#that line is on looo in my brain these days
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she's so arrogant and annoying and hot it pisses me off !!!
#like have some shame omg . have some respect#shes soooo certain i will date her she keeps saying shes not worried she doesnt care etc etc bc she knows i want to date her#not even that. she Declared we were dating. like when i was like do u even want this. not just going on dates but acc dating. and she was#like wdym? im already dating you . like ok??? i wasnt informed ig#anyway i said she was arrogant and she said she knows so.#also she did several things when she was drunk that i found cringe/i personally would b embarrassed if i was her but she just found it funn#like genuinely does she have no sense of shame#also her reasoning is that shes too hot to be rejected and since im talking to her instead of... not that makes her certain that#no matter what i say i wont reject her#WHICH MAKES ME WANT TO REJECT HER. DONT TELL ME WHAT I WANT OR WHAT TO DO. UGH.#I WANT TO FIGHT HER FR MEIN GOTT#also i want her to be more romantic i literally told her im not asking her out on the next date lmao#also if we do end up dating properly i have to swear and oath never to argue w her and just communicate slowly and clearly bc imagine#lawyer and philosophy student get into an argument and theyre both scorpios. insane combination imo#INSUFFERABLE. she was also 40 mins late and tbf she did warn me and keep me updated but i was still rly mad at her bc#i was waiting for so long . and i was like . listen im gonna leave. and she walked thru the door. but anyway she apologised but also she#said no ones ever threatened to leave her b4. what do you mean before?? anyway i told her to respect my time more and she was like i cant#believe im being told off by a 21 yr old like bitch ur literally 24 stop acting ancient fuck off#UGH SHES SO IRRITATING. WHY DOESNT SHE CALL ME MORE.#crushposting
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#we are so fucking back . we are so fucking back ive missed drawing brock bio parent shit#was gonna post this w other art im working on but i need the tags to talk about other stuff <- guy who uses his art to just write essays#everyday though i think that hes only 21 when the boys are born .#smth smth . why does rusty keep boys bio [parent] a secret . i do think realistically it would have repercussions for an osi agent do like#get their client pregnant ? LOL#''wouldnt it be obvious theyre brocks'' <- yes but osi knows hes transgender . they dont need to know what transexual sciences rusty did#i think like hunter would have ideas but wouldnt ask but if brock ever told her she would be so fucking mad . and send him to another job#all this to say . there are subtle differences to brock when hes younger (except the college ep LOL but thats s1) and i think he should be#freaking the fuck out during early relationship/family stuff . but mostly internally . but sometimes he cant keep it internal#my art
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tell me your failed/embarrassing flirting stories to make me feel better, i’ll go first: today i said “get out of my way” forgot to say “i’m kidding” then immediately said “bye”
#it is awful having feelings for someone you know and have an established friendship with#but crushing on someone i barely know is knew to me and i legit feel like an idiot every time i do something stupid like this#i can’t just. talk to the guy#if i say hey and he says sup i say ‘sup indeed’ like what the fuck is that#i can barely even say hello to him#don’t get me wrong i’ve DONE it but most days i’m like#ah fuck there he is#okay you can do it just say hi#just say what’s up#and then he’s already gone#also. like. the setting we’re in is soooo not good for talking or flirting realt because um. it’s work he’s my coworker.. so um. do i fuckin#ask him for his number?? or to hang out??? but like. he’s kind of a stranger to me what do i want to hang out for 🧍#but like. i dont want to do that until i have at least one successful interaction#or like. an actual conversation.#which is gonna be really hard to manage because he doesn’t talk much at all to anyone and i really only talk if someone talks to me first or#i’ll say something absolutely idiotic and ridiculous (and honestly i do that no matter what)#anyway so um. i guess i’m just gonna keep making a fool of myself until i get it right and hopefully i don’t screw it up 🥴#i lost all my confidence in the last year and i cant do anything chill or smooth anymore (i was never that good in the first place but at#least i could PRETEND i knew what i was doing. like i could sell it. the whole weird and lost bit.)#anyway. i felt better for like 5 minutes when some guy at the gas station flirt failed with me on the way home. but that’s partly my fault#too oops. in his defense he probably could not see that i had headphones on bc upon mirror inspection they were well blended with my hair#but i was waiting to cross the street and this guy tried to like nod and smile and i did not know it was to me until i got to the other side#where the gas station was and and like. tried again and i awkward half smiled and saw his face get all mushy and confused like mine FELT 20#mins before when i’d flopped so hard trying to flirt and by the time i’d processed WAIT i think he was FLIRTING WITH ME i was already gone 🤡#but at least it ended better than the poor 14yo who very confidently asked for my number#who. i shit you not. SCREECHED for a solid 44.5 seconds and bolted the other direction when i said sorry im 21#his friends were standing there like wtf too and one was like i am so sorry about him 🤦#cheers to being fools universe
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ghost in your home was not supposed to end like that at all lol, wrestled with the idea of letting him have his cake and eat it too or shove it in his face a bit more and ended up with just letting him be
#/kbtalk#combine the symbols from the three plant mentioned (gardenia. ficus. begonia) and you got what it takes to keep a good relationship#if youre reading this and you want to know. one of the end was first step to reconciliation but i think that wouldve been too nice to him#maybe some other day ill do a rewrite/exploration of the concept bc i think a lot about-#the anguish of mourning someone who sit at your dinner table everyday#i think he would've been a bit more conceited and “hmp its not my fault” but youre from the time where he can only get by with a smile-#and a charming silver tongue so it balances out rlly#i shove the ghost theme last minute because i was going back and forth on what to titled the section and i remember the 21 grams soul theor#added like an extra 1k bc of it and ended up going back over the whole thing to put some more stuff in#brain is finally clearing up and i hope you cant tell when in the writing did that happen lol#next fic needs me to read a 200pg book about voodoo so i can set up one scenario ive been putting it off for some times now#for now im blasting too sweet and making a minecraft house#i need to download mods that give me a radio so i can make an alastor theme room soon
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is there anywhere besides twitter or therapy where i can complain about the economy rn
#im SO TIRED of working paycheck to paycheck#i love my job but i work SO HARD where does all the money go#i work 40+ hours a week and make like 1600 a month that is not enough#i dont live with my family anymore i have cats#its all so hard but im doing everything right rn ?? what about when im struggling ?? this is torture#I LOVE MY JOB SO MUCH THOUGH i just keep wanting to spend money on my artist friends and good causes and stuff#but i cant afford my lunch by the end of the month#and i hardly have the energy on my time off for housework and making personal art#im only 21 what am i gonna do#shut up kyle#vent
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okay!! since mofos still wanna kekeke and harass me, this will be my final post before i block everyone and get on with it!
it's very clear of who is sending me hate and you're actually weird as fuck. if what you do and enjoy is never that serious, why are you still posting, commenting AND subbing me? there were literally periods of time where i literally did not say anything, and even said for people to stop responding to me because i did not care what had to be said. but i was repeatedly brought back multiple times (which apparently means i am seeking out arguments bc i don't back away from internet people who try to intellectually one up me). mind you, again, subbing with no direct @ because y'all are pussy ass bitches--against someone you do not even know. to play pretend that you're so grown and edu'macated for literally bullying someone for not agreeing with you is insane work, really. then it's pretending you aren't encouraging me being harassed just because i don't think you need rape, incest, pedophilia etc in order for a work to be considered gothic or horror. 🥴
you would think that i was in that comments without any reason, just on my own volition and was just arguing with every and anyone and checking over 4 MONTHS (this is sarcasm for any ditzy bitch reading this) in a comment section that i kept forgetting it existed until another jobless twat wanted to go another round with me. the way that you keep saying the characters i write for are 14 when they're not?? 😭 considering i was their age when i joined this fandom and will not be writing them pass my twenties.
dark content, proship, etc. people like them claim how they are unbothered and living their full life of dark ecstasy, but cry about how they are harassed, get sent hate etc. but verbatim do the same thing to someone who hasn't gone out their way to interact with any personal works, favorites and so on. only because they do not agree on a subject matter... the so called "mature" side. just because im outnumbered doesn't make me wrong, bookie! at the end of the day, you all are still white, privileged pieces of shits who have nothing better to do than have one sided and weird ass beef with someone (me) who doesn't know or care about you.
i'll state my proper argument once and for all, which will be ignored because y'all are just bullies who picked someone random to pick on: on the contrary i do NOT have an issue with all dark content. as many antis like me only have an issue when it's glorified, sexualized and just produced or consumed in a way that diminishes it's importance. every story has a message whether or not you want to admit that or not, and it's time to stop pretending like people don't learn things from the things they consume. when works are heavily misconstrued is a very uncomfortable and jarring experience. many antis who are like me do not like the way it's handled (ie; lolita is NOT a romance story but had perverted into that idea). you are incredibly naive to believe that any and all ways to write dark content is inherently good and okay. it does not work like that for any other media, why is it excused for dark content? someone not wanting to see it portrayed like that should not be mocked for having boundaries. you lot want to be edgelords so bad. no i do not care about your past experiences, and YES it is normal for you to fall into such coping strategies but just because that's what happens under those circumstances does not make it "normal" for everyone else. you're just a byproduct of your abuse.
also thank you for continuously doing the work of posting about me and then directly sending me hate? also keeping the same cadence and speech as the way you type? cuz if you wanna keep throwing rocks and handing your hands you are a lewser. have fun making spare accounts to send me hate cuz all y'all will do is just resort to talking shit about me on your blogs AGAIN. 😭🤷🏽♀️
gothic literature post
-> @/bluebeardsfinalgirl post one, two & three.
-> @/wiltshired post / @/prince-luffy.
keep it cute, either say my name/directly @ me, or keep it off the playground.
#a bunch of worthless individuals#the fact i dont even know these people is what kills me#like if it were the opps i would be like “yeah ofc they talking shit” but to keep talking about someone you genuinely do NOT know is weird#you are all weird#and i am not going to keep reiterating because yall dont even want to listen you just want to encroach on someone#this did nothing but prove to me that you all ARE white the “theyre the n word!!!” yeah nigga im black LMAO 😭#mind you youre all 21+?? even a 30 y.o cant stfu#go touch some grass n take a shower try a job maybe!!#before thinking youre hot shit with youre one hit post & i have a thousand fingers pointing back bs#this is genuinely insane like has someone disagreed with yall ever?? the obsession is giving stalker vibes#i do not know you!!#it has been months LET IT GO.#and if anyone else feels like they need to interact with me from that post: just die.#stay blessed.
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why is my friend getting married on a tuesday
#this is the idiot friend w the teenage bf now teenage fiancé#i don't have a job yet but hopefully i will by july and im only applying to regualr mon-fri jobs#so i would need to use a vacation day on their wedding#when im already going to be blowing thru all my vacation time going to doctor appointments to not go blind.....lol#i thought most people got married on saturdays bc its easier for guest to come#maybe they picked a weird day so that less people would come but they wouldn't have to invite less people to keep the catering cheaper#would have been better to do a potluck wedding they're broke af and nobody would mind#anyway ugh#i dont want to be the mean unsupportive friend by skipping the wedding#even tho i am....not very supportive lol#skipping the wedding is a big deal i dont want to do that im not even telling them they're bejng dumb at this point#its too late#im trying to save the friendship so i have to go#but tuesday is really annoying#also there's a very solid chance they'll ask if they can do it at my house bc my yard is really nice#so i really cant skip it 😂#unless i cry abt going blind and make a big fuss but i dont want to do that either#this has been a shitpost#it probably genuinely didn't occur to them that tuesday would be difficult for anyone bc neither of them has ever had a full time job ever#they're 18 and 21#they're so unprepared to get married its scary lol#grown up jobs are a foreign concept to them#jk they def did it so that they could keep the wedding small without not inviting people#so now i have to be the bad friend and say i can't take off work or i have to give up a vacation day#and hope i wont run out pf vacation days for medical treatment#i cant wait until one of my nice normal friends gets married or has a baby so i can actually be happy for them
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sa tw in the tags. just need to get it out idk
#sa tw#look i know people hate blondie now but god she speaks to me sometimes#i listen to wouldve couldve shouldve and get venomously angry at Him.#and yeah maybe it happened to him too. but what about me? why do i need to have sympathy for someone who hurt me like that?#give me back my girlhood it was mine first! i was an adult too young.#i maintain the peace for survival but god. i cant believe i just. havent lashed out at all#im gonna explode one day#something something promising grown man that makes me sick#thats probably why ive always wanted to be friends with people older than me.#my estimated age by most strangers is about 3 years older#because guess what? ive got a young face and an old ass soul! im like 30 in here! ive been 21 for 18 years!#i shouldnt have had to grow up so quick. i shouldn't have had to keep it to myself for a decade.#my brain is 6 and 21 and 35 and 50
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getting crossed on a tuesday eating a peanut butter honey sandwich all comfy in my bed and watching youtube <3
#guys theres a kink club in the city where I live#theres actually a few but theres a queer owned one i really like#but most of their events and stuff are 21+#which is very smart and it makes me super excited to go when i turn 21#bc like theyre very safe about how they do stuff and plan things#but im so close to being 21 and they keep having really fun and interesting events happening for spring and I'm bummed i cant go#but also i turn 21 the day before pride 2023#so ill be fine#just thinking about how excited i am to get real world experience in the community and stuff#and meeting new people and having fun and stuff in a safe and accepting environment#esp bc im very large chested and have a p feminine frame still#like!! im seeing the differences and my legs are getting very masculine and my shoulders and arms and back are also getting there#but i still am seen and treated as a women by strangers i guess#and I think a big reason i have this blog is bc i actually like some of the more feminine parts ofmyself#but i have to become such an extremely masculine version of myself in public bc that's the only way people will actually see me as like#my actual gender#which sucks bc if i was cis i would get to wear whatever i want and listen to whatever i want and do makeup whenever i want#and i looovee dressing slutty but i cant rn bc of dysphoria !!!#and i think even in the short amount of time having this blog#ive been able to get over som#e of that and like allow myself to breath#and touch my body and desire my body#and have other people touch and desire my body#and im not desired bc i 'look like a woman'#im desired bc im a man who enjoys being feminine#which im sure i would have struggled with this as a cis man aswell#but theres just like an added layer there to it#internalized misogyny#and performing for the worlds externalized misogyny#sorry im not making sense
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#im gonna say smth and no one is allowed to say a fucking Word. i need to . type this out bc i cant Say It Out Loud#but . it is slighrly disgusting and patheyic (imo) and just . huh .#anyway . the tightening in evety inch of my body at the idea that . i might not get what i want (*) . but that even if i dont get that#ill get Something somewhat better n its just .#hard to swallow. bc im so tired for settling for what i dont want .#like letting go of shit ivrlly want for smth thats supposedly better for me#letting did not look like a real word just then what the fuck man#anyway . it is awful bc like . having so many realisations n realising that . ive forgiven a lot less and a lot worse .#n its a whole thing i cant get into bc im figuring out what exactly . thst sys abt me and where it stems from#it feels Okay . like its coming grom a Good Place. n not one of low seld worth#but like . having to possibly actually settle for less than what i actually want . is awful bc i dont like doing that and im tjred of doing#that. even if its good / better for me?#i cannot think of any other situstion simular rn other than yhe job fuckery. but . never wity a person#have i felt like this. n i dont know where or why its a Thibg. butcit is. ajd i dont know why hes fucking different.#but so much is out of my control !!!! and idk what to do anymore except just . keep pretendinf he doesnt exist#and moving like i did in high school: just zignoring how i feel bc i see the fucker constantly#it genuinely does parallel to hs rn how do i keep .#but also how is this a conpletely new situstion ive Never Exprrienced. how is this haopening to me.#i keep thinkibg abt the letter j wroye to my 21st (on my 18th) n i havent opened it#bc i missed opening it actually on my 21st. so i decided to live out actually being 21 before i#opebed the letter just to see how much had actually changed.#gonna open it aroubd my birthday. im terrified. bc i reread that letter 5x vefore wrappibg it uo. and ive thought abt it Constantly#to rmber its contents bc im Obsessed with it somehowm butbi still dont know .#i plan tocwritr another for my 25th. n 27th thrn again my 30th.#theyre fun lil time capsules . n its nice . i used to do 6montg to yearly ones but . shit got so bad i did Not wanna keep writing abt it .#so . this Will be fun . it was the 1st attemot at that too like . its why i started the 6mth letters bc i wanted to see the gradual sgifts#n reread them on my 21st but life had other plans apparently.#anyway.
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autusm is so cool (makes me so overstimulated in my own flesh and i cannot take off my skin)
#sometimes i just feel bad about like. doing any sort of ***/****** bc it just feels like im a source of comparison for the ppl around me#idk i also feel useless because sometimes i just need to be yelled at i guess and no one else really uses it the way i do so itll just hurt#idk whatever#its not about me but also seeing those others so upset abt the **** ** ******* ** **** *** is just so. idk makes me go sorry ill go elsewhr#bc i dont really know what the fuck to do abt this anymore its just been going sorry. sorry. sorry#like i used ** **** ******. then i gave everything i already thought of and everything i ever try is just. rejected so#i cant really give anything abt anything. what do i know im 21#idk at this point if i keep thinking abt this im just gonna get angry and im just gonna have to give this anger to the prntls bc it all#goes back to their inadequacy as parents anyway. but like i cannot be *** ****** ***** ****. i have nothing i could give as ur mother and#i have nothing to give as a sister
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#gods#im .. in trouble this semester#which sucks bc i was doing so much better last semester#i stopped going to therapy!!#which i think i knew at the time was a Problem#but my therapist suggested it and i didn't want to but i couldn't come up with a better reason than im worried ill nosedive next semester#to be fair to me while i was feeling so much better i knew i wasnt .. stable i guess?#in her defense i can't tell anyone the whole truth even if my life was on the line#and by cant i mean some combination of wont dont want to and its instinctive#but the problem is im failing one of my classes and im at least a little bit suicidal and i havent told anyone really and gods i feel lonely#(and by a little bit suicidal i mean thinking of ways to kill myself 2 days ago. im feeling better now but i don't trust it)#(by feeling better i mean im not Actively thinking of methods but it definitely crosses my mind as a Possibility)#(although i guess its a bit less i want to die and a bit more i want someone to find me before i die and help me)#so anyways this semester might be replacing 10th grade as the worst year of my life#im just.. so tired#i don't want to keep living like this#and im sucking it up and making myself do better but i Hate this#and ive got to think about summer plans bc i don't want to go back to my parents house but i also Really want to bc i can see my brother and#maybe i can see my friends(?) and maybe if i tell my parents everything that's been going on theyll take care of me?#but i Really want to stay here bc i always regret going home and bc ive gotten used to living on my own and i really like all the freedom it#gives me?? but i need to get an internship or a job or something if i want to stay here but its So Late and now that im thinking about it im#worried that ill be so isolated here that ill feel worse? but if i get a therapist here then maybe itll be okay??#i don't know#and im almost done with my junior year and i don't know what i want to do with my future and#i just never thought id get this far yknow? i honestly thought i wasnt going to make it to 18 or college and now im almost 21 and so close#to graduating?? and i don't know how to face the rest of my life#im just tired and stressed and depressed#i just want a hug and a friend that i can tell everything to#ne ways im just tired and whiny and i need to suck it up and get groceries and do my hw
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sometimes it feels like growing up with the privilege to always be heard and acknowledged can make it hard to recognize what is actually being silenced or ignored and what is simply not being afforded those privileges that one has grown to take as their right.
#just because “transmascs have male privelege in the trans comminity on tumblr”#is a thing i keep seeing repeated over and over#and like#maybe its true to an extent?#idk ive not really had a trans guy sit down and assume my incompetence the way some trans girls do#Im 26#I transitioned at 21#and I cant help but feel my 21 years of experiencing societal priveleges have influenced how i view myself and others#and it does feel like#if the roles were reversed#Id think that 21 years of not experiencing that privelege would give me some space to talk about those issues i used to face#the way I still talk sometimes about the issues men face#idk i started rambling#these have gotten away from me
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awesome, i'm crying now thinking about how behind in life i am and how much of a loser and failure i am
#''no youre not'' yes i fucking am#im almost 23#i havent had friends irl for years#ive never had sex or been in a romantic relationship (idk if i ever want to but still)#i started college at age 20 but even then didnt go back until i was 21#AND I HAVENT EVEN STARTED THE DEGREE PROGRAM I WANNA DO YET#ive only ever had two jobs but i didnt keep them long bc i couldnt handle them#im not talented i cannot draw my writing sucks i cant do anything#im not interesting#i could fucking go on and on#meowing
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