#ok chris rant done thank you for reading

[problemcore]

haha 👍

[hypnosisbuttd]

Hypnosis is Bullshit

(A gay Hypnosis Story)

“Alright Campers!” Chris shouts to the contestants in the cafeteria “It’s time for your next challenge!”

“What now?” Duncan asks annoyed.

“Aw what? Do you not enjoy my challenge?” Chris says sadly

“No” All of the contestants say simultaneously

“Rude...” Chris says, faking being offended. “Well it doesn’t matter cause you’re doing it anyways! Meet me out by the cabins! No not your housing arrangements, the OTHER cabins.”

Chris then proceeds to disappear.

The Campers leave their cafeteria, but then Duncan and Trent get into a little scuffle outside the doors.

“Don’t fucking push me dude” Trent snapped

“Well if your slow ass wasn’t taking up the entire doorway I wouldn’t have needed to” Duncan responds

“Bastard, you wanna fight me?” Trent threatens

“Try me bitch” Duncan challenges“

Oh my god, break it up you two.” Heather sighs

“You stay out of this you black haired dog eater” Duncan sneers

“AIGHT BITCH YOU WANNA GO?!” Heather says threatening Duncan as Lindsay holds her back.

“Ha, you’re so easy to get a reaction out of” He laughs

“Ugh! I really wish someone would knock you down a peg you brat!” Heather shouts

“Duncan I really think you should back off” Gwen suggests

“Aw come on you know you love it baby”“Ew...” Gwen says backing off.

“Y’all gonna head over to the Cabins, or Am I gonna have to drag your clown asses over there?” Leshawna asks

“Tch, fine” Duncan reluctantly lets up

(Nobody messes with Leshawna)

The campers settles their conflict and head out to the old cabins in the wood. 6 of them have spirals painted on them.

“This challenge is a 1 on 1 hypnosis challenge, each of one of the former screaming gophers will compete with one of the former Killer Bass to hypnotize each other in one hour. Whoever succeeds will be allowed to do whatever they want with the other, whoever does the most embarrassing thing to the other when the timer is up wins, the judge will as always be me.” Chris explains

“As stupid as this challenge is, there is a slight problem Chris” Duncan calls out

“And that is?” Chris asks

“Hypnosis ain’t real you fucking moron.” He shouts

“Yes it is!” Izzy shouts “Ive seen plenty of government facilities use Hypnosis on Politicians to get them favorably on one side of the Spectrum or on enemy soldier to reveal critical information! But I’m completely resistant to it cause I was born colorblind!” Izzy rants

“And we’re supposed to believe the crazy lady why?” Duncan asks

Izzy growls

“Anyways here are your teams”

“Leshawna and Eva, you’ll go to the first cabin”

“Ha good luck, I have an Iron Will” Eva notes

“Team 2 will be Heather and Bridgette”

“Yeah no, I’m not letting this bitch control me. You’re going down Heather” Bridgette threatens

“Team 3 is Lindsay and Izzy”

“This will go down well...” Duncan mutters sarcastically

“Team 4 is Geoff and Gwen”

“Aight little lady! We got this!” Geoff cheers

“I don’t think you understand this challenge” Gwen says

“Team 5 is Owen and DJ”

“Oh fuck no” Trent and Duncan say simultaneously

“And Team 6 will be Duncan and Trent! Ha ha ha” Chris laughs

“Fuck you and your idiot ass McLain” Duncan says flipping the bird at McLain before waking inside the cabin.

“I could have had it worse...” Trent suggests trying to keep it positive.

The two of them wander inside the cabin and did the room lined with various Hypnosis tools.

Duncan just sighs“God this shit it stupid... I mean look at this” He picks up a ray gun “Hypno Gun? My gif what do they think we are? 5? I’m so done with this. Let’s just wait the hour out I don’t even care if we lose”

“Whatever...” Trent sighs.

Duncan sits down on one of the coaches while Trent wanders around the room.

After a bit of searching however, Trent notices a small tape sitting in the corner of the room, he picks it up and the Tape Reads ‘Easy White Noise Hypnosis’. Trent, wanting a bit of laugh but also not caring, removes the label and replaces it with a label he had on one of his other tapes titled ‘Heavy Punk Rock Favorites’.

He then proceeds to sit next to Duncan

“Da fuck do you want?” Duncan snaps

“Well I decided since we’re going to be here a while, I thought you would like to listen to some music. I know you’re a punk rock fan, so I got some of my favorites.” He hands the tape to Duncan

“I mean you’re choice in Music probably sucks but whatever...” Duncan plugs in a pair of headphones into the tape and begins listening.

“Dude this is just white noise, what the fuck is this?” Duncan asks clearly confused

“It’s a start up noise, it’ll probably take a couple minutes to start up” Trent lied

Duncan relents and continues to sit there. After a few minutes, his expression begins to go slack and he sits there looking confused.

“Dude... This shit is making my head feel... funny...” Duncan slurs. He goes to take off the headphones.

“Up bup bup bup” Trent places his hands on his and keeps the headphones “Just keep going”

“But... I...”

“Ssshhh” Trent shush him. Duncan giggles a little before continuing on.

After a couple more minutes, Duncan is gone full slack. His eyes are crossed and drool is slowly dripping down the side of his mouth. Trent waves his hand in front of Duncan, he doesn’t even react. He just sits there.

Holy shit did it actually work? Trent thinks. He decides to test his theory.

“Duncan can you hear me?” Trent asks

“Yeah...” Duncan mumbles

“Are you willing to obey my commands?” He asks

“Sure” Duncan slurs

“Stand in front of me...” He orders

Duncan stands up and walks in front of Trent.

No way... Trent thinks This can’t be real. I guess the only way to know is if I make him do something so embarrassing that if he’s pranking me he’ll have to let up...

“Alright Duncan listen to me. When I snap my fingers, you will become a Sexy Gay stripper who’s here to strip for me. You love showing your bare ass for people and you’re super horny. Ok?”

Duncan just drools

Theres no way... Trent thinks

Trent snaps his fingers and Duncan wakes up and stares directly at Trent. He then placed Hands on either side of Trent

Yup he’s definitely going to kill me

“Why Hello there Sexy” Duncan purrs

OH MY GOD Trents Mind Screams

Duncan stands up and admired Trent “Damn when they sent me for this job, I didn’t expect my client to be so sexy.” He says seductively

“Thank you...” Trent says trying to hold in his laughter

“Anyways let’s get on with the show shall we?” Duncan says pulling off his shirt slowly.

Trent just stares in awe as Duncan slowly pulls off his clothes. First he tosses off his shirt and lets Trent feel his pecs. Then he pulls off his pants and gives Trent a lap dance. Finally when Trent thought it was going to end, Duncan leaned in by his ear“

Since you’re such a special client case, I’ll give you a bonus show.” He whispers seductively.

Duncan stands up and pulls off his underwear, bearing his ass for Trent to see. He throws the underwear off to the side and exposes himself directly in front of Trent.

“Like what you see?” Duncan says winking

Trent could feel himself getting hard.

Wait what?

Trent looked down to see himself indeed having a hard on at the site of Duncan

What the? I’m straight! What the heck is going on?

Duncan leans in quietly and sets himself on Trents lap“What do you say me and you find the bedroom, and take care of that little problem of yours” Duncan says pulling at the edge of Trents pants

“Alright that’s enough! Sleep!” Trent calls out

Duncan immediately falls limp, his body crashing into Trents chest. Trent realized how Tiny Duncan was especially without the clothes and laughed to himself a little.

Hmm what should I do with you now? Trent thinks.

He looks down at Duncan’s muscular form. And immediately comes up with a devilish plan.

“Alright Duncan… You can still hear me correct?” He asks

“Ye…” Duncan slurs.

“Alright, when I wake you up, you will think you are a professional wrestler. And I am your opponent. You will try and punch and dent but will not have enough strength to do so. Meanwhile when I even slightly tap you, you will feel excruciating pain. And the only way You can make it stop is by me surrendering. Understood?” Trent explains.

Duncan moans.

“Ok… Then go…” Trent snaps his fingers.

Duncan sits up instantly and stares directly at Trent. He smiles and growls.

“Look at you. Little Princess. You think you can beat me?” Duncan sneers.

Trent stands up. “Psh, you’re all talk…” He laughs.

“Oh yeah. Then let’s see how you like this?” Duncan aims a punch directly for Trents face, but when he touches his face, it’s no more than a slight touch. Duncan backs up.

“You’re sturdy…” He mutters.

“Wanna try that again?” He asks

“Grr TAKE THIS!!!” Duncan runs up to him and grabs him around the arms. He attempts to lift Trent up, but fails miserably.

Trent just laughs and flicks Duncan’s nose. Duncan backs up and covers his nose in pain.

“Dude what the fuck?! How did you do that?” He says rubbing his nose.

“Just luck I guess.” Trent slaps Duncan’s back and he collapses to the ground writing in pain.

“OK DUDE I SURRENDER!! PLEASE JUST STOP!!!” Duncan screams.

Trent pulls Duncan’s legs over his shoulders and Duncan writhes in pain.

“Say it!” Trent snaps

“Say what?” Duncan whimpers.

“Say you’re a princess…” He tugs on his leg.

Duncan winces hard. “GAAAH! Fine! I’m a Princess! I’m a pretty little bitch princess.”

“Why couldn’t Mario find you?”

“I was in another castle! Obviously!”

“And what we’re you doing there?”

“Probably getting fucked by You.” He laughs.

Trent stands there silent for a moment as he drops Duncan lies on the ground writhing.

“I surrender.” He mumbles.

Duncan’s pain vanishes and he quietly gets up and turns to Trent.

“You ok dude?” He asks

“Why did you say I was getting fucked by you? Why the fuck would you say that?” He growls.

“Dude, I just think your hot. I’m not tryna make you mad. If anything, I think you’d make a great top!” Duncan laughs.

Trent just sighs. “Sleep…”

Duncan falls forward and collapses into Trents arms. Trent quietly sits him on the floor and sits next to him thinking.

Did he really mean that? Trent thinks

He looks over at Duncan, who’s drooling on the floor and looking spaces out. Trent quietly contemplates for a moment before realizing his final trick. The thing he would do for Chris’s competition.

“Alright Duncan, can you hear me?” Trent asks.

“Mm…” Duncan quietly mumbles.

“Great then here’s what we’re gonna do.”

(Time skip to the end of the competition ton)

“Aaaaaand Times Up!” Chris blows his air horn. “Let’s see what we got now!”

“Duncan was right! You’re bullshitting McLain!” Gwen snaps.

“None of that stuff worked! All of the tools were fake!” Leshawna explains.

“Yeah! And I should know! I know what Hypnosis stuff looks like!” Izzy shouts.

“Really? It was supposedly real when I bought it online.” Chris says nervously.

“Yeah well I can guarantee that not a single one of us completed the challenge.” Bridgette snaps

“Actually I did!” Trent raised his hand.

Everyone turns to look at him in surprise.

“You can’t be serious…” Heather says tiredly.

“I am! And I have proof!” Trent quietly walks down the steps, a small figure crouches down behind him.

“Is that…” Gwen attempts to peak around.

Trent calls the small figure. “Come on, don’t be shy…”

The figure crawls quietly to Trents feet and reveals itself to be Duncan, but he’s different. His usual green Mohawk, now he had his air in a sort of wild style, kind of slicked back, but with a bit of a tip. But that was the least of the Changes. He was completely naked except for a pair of black ears and a large black tail stuck into his ass. And he had a collar with a bone collared name tag on it saying “Damian” attached to a leash that Trent was holding.

“No way…” Izzy says shocked.

“His name is Damian now. He’s a cutie aint he?” He says scratching Damian behind the ears. Damian pants in happiness.

“This isn’t real…” Heather says laughing.

“It is. I Hypnoed him to be a good boy. I taught him a couple tricks while I had the time.” Trent explains.

He points to in front of him and Damian walks up and “stands” on all fours in front of Trent.

“Sit…”

Damian sits like a dog looking at Trent expectantly.

“Roll over.”

Damian lies down then rolls onto his back, then rolls back onto his stomach and sits up.

“Speak!”

Damian barks.

“Wag your tail!”

Damian sticks his butt up in the air, and begins wagging his fake tail. Damian looks at Trent happily.

“Good boy!”

Trent pulls a cookie out of his pocket and dangles it in front of Damian. Damian grabs it and begins munching on the cookie. Once he’s finished, Trent pulls out a large beef bone and hands it to Damian. Damian takes it in his mouth and quietly circles around Trent before lying at his feet and viciously chewing on the bone.

“This is insane!” Owen looks in shock.

“HES SO CUTE!!!” Lindsay squeals.

“Oh how the tables have turned…” Heather smirks.

Chris looks at Trent in shock. He regains his composure and smiles at Trent. “Well then! Congratulations, Trent! You have won immunity!” Chris announces.

“And Damian, he’s my dog, after all.” Trent reaches down and scratches Damian behind the ears again. Damian whines in happiness.

“Ugh… Fine! Damian gets Immunity too… You have to change him back by the end of the week though!” Chris adds.

“Yeah yeah…” Trent waves it off.

(One week later, after Eva is eliminated)

Trent walks up to Damian, who had been quietly sleeping under Trents bunk. He ques for Damian to come out and Damian shuffles out and quietly waits for Trents command.

“Alright welp its time for you to go back to normal…”

Damian frowns and cries at Trent.

“I know I know… But Chris said it’s the requirement…” Trent says petting Damian.

Reluctantly, Damian sits back in normal position.

“Goodbye for now Damian…”

Damian barks one more time and nuzzles into Trents hand.

“And sleep…”

Duncan’s eyes roll over and he returns to sleep mode.

“Alright Duncan, I want you to take all the memories of you as Damian and tuck them safely away. It’ll be there, but you can’t open it unless I ask you to. Ok?” Trent explains.

Duncan mumbles what sounded like a yes.

“And other than that, when I snap my fingers, you will wake up as your Normal self, with all the memories of what you did. Ok?” Trent asks

Duncan nods.

“Ok, and go.” Trent snaps his fingers.

Duncan’s eyes snap back to reality and he looks at Trent in disgust.

“The fuck is up with-“ He stops as his memories come in “OH FUCK YOU!!!” Duncan gets up and lightly shoved Trent. Trent laughs.

“Yup! I got you!” Trent says.

“Oh god! How the fuck did That work?” Duncan asks

“Honestly? I just kinda got lucky! But I wasn’t wasting a golden opportune moment like this!” Trent laughs.

“Tch, whatever.” Duncan crosses his arms. But shockingly his expression softens.

“Hey… about that Damian thing…” He mumbles.

“What about it?” I ask strangely.

“Do you think you could do it again sometime…” He asks quietly.

Trent looks at him surprised “You’re not serious?!” Trent says shocked.

“Yes I am. I kinda like being Damian. I know I act like a bad boy all the time but, to be Damian would be like having just… a lay off of that I guess…” Duncan mumbles.

Trent seems to think for a moment, before nodding and reaching his hand out towards Duncan. “Deal!”

Duncan grasps his hand and shakes it. “Thanks.”

Duncan begins quietly walking out when Trent stops him.

“Aren’t you gonna put on clothes?” Trent laughs.

Duncan looks back at him and smirks.

“Dogs don’t wear clothes”

(END)

[faebirdie]

Although I strongly disagree with your attitude towards people that enjoy a certain kind of dark fiction you don't, I think you missed a few posts here and there that do talk about Fresh for other reasons than getting wet for Steve. A few were posted after yours, but just so you won't miss out I'm linking them anyway.

Here, Here, Here, Here, Here, Here, Here, Here, Here, Here, Here, Here, aaand Here. There are definitely more but since I'm not getting paid for doing this, it will have to do beyond your own browsing experiences.

Now I've said "here" so much the word no longer makes any sense to me. Anyway, hope you enjoy. Have a wonderful day!

i think you misunderstood. i love dark fanfic. i was up half the night reading dark bruce wayne fanfic actually. dark kinks and fantasies are not only valid but a completely understandable response to and handling of the fear we women deal with on the daily and have for our whole lives. my problem is seeing people take the work of a fellow woman (two if we include both the writer and director) about her oppression and the harm that has been done to her and others and then sexualizing and romanticizing it.

i'm so tired of this entirely black and white view of right and wrong that is so often perpetuated on this app. there is a difference between enjoying, creating, and defending dark fanfic and fantasies generally and saying that the sexualization of any and all 'dark' content and characters is perfectly ok and good. stuff being fiction doesn't always mean that it has no affect on the cultural zeitgeist. i just wish that people would start thinking critically about this stuff.

so yeah. i'm all for dark fics. but i'm also perfectly comfortable drawing the line at smut about the personification of our misogynistic societies harmful consumption of women and girls (steve kemp) or the fictionalized version of a literal serial killer whose victims families are still alive (robert pronge) or a portrayal of a real historical rapist (jacques le gris) and i'm just not gonna budge on that.

i'm sure there are other characters like this being written about but these are just a few examples based off who came to mind. i too am super attracted to sebastian stan and chris evans and adam driver. but they have a lot of characters to choose from when it comes to writing dark fics. for me, some are off limits. that's just how i feel. but i can't control anyone else. nor am i trying to. i'm just voicing my frustrations and feelings.

and now that i've gone on this whole rant, allow me to state, anon this isn't really directed at you. it's sorta just a culmination of a lot i've been feeling about some of the responses i've gotten to that post. i do really appreciate you sending me links to those posts. mine was really just about the ratio of stuff like those to steve thirst. i am happy to see some of the posts that have come out since i last looked though, so thanks. have a wonderful day as well.

[musette22]

Sorry to rant, but I'm disappointed in some people behavior about Chris MCU news. We all have to remember that Steve Rogers is a character who has countless canon storylines. He married Peggy and became old in a comic, it's not something the Russo invented. If Chris actually comes back to play another version of Steve we should be happy. Endgame is done because that's one of the many storylines. I'm sorry people think their fanon non existent version of a character or ship should be canon.

Hi there! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. First of all, let me say that your opinion on this is of course totally valid - just as valid as anyone else’s - but at the same time, I have to admit that I don’t necessarily agree. Sorry, this is long, so I’ll put it under the keep reading tag.

Yes, these characters started out as canon, and any new MCU material would of course be canon as well, so I do understand what you mean when you say there’s a distinction between fanon and canon. But personally, I don’t care much about at all about what’s canon or what isn’t. I’m grateful to the creators of these canonical, fictional figures for giving us these characters and storylines, but I am under no obligation to like everything they did with them after. I personally care about good, consistent characterisations for my favourite characters, and I care about their potential to bring people joy or comfort or catharsis, or whatever it is they’re looking for in these fictional characters and ships (crucial here is that what brings me joy or comfort or whatever is not necessarily what brings you joy or comfort, and that’s ok). And personally, I have a lot more faith in fanon to provide me with those things than I do in canon. 

I understand that that sets me apart from the Marvel fans who love and care more about the comics and/or the MCU as a whole, and I can even understand that in their eyes, I’m not a real fan. But I do have an emotional investment in these characters, and while we may interpret them differently, they mean just as much (if not more) to me as they do to a ‘real’ Marvel fan. And therefore I am just as entitled to an opinion on developments that concern these characters as anyone else is.

Also, while I haven’t read the comics and as such readily admit that I’m not well versed in the different comic storylines, I do know that the MCU and the comics diverge on many points. I also know that just because something happened in a comic once, that doesn’t necessarily make it a good storyline, or one that I have to find satisfactory when applied to the movie versions of these characters. Endgame was an amalgamation of those 20-ish other MCU movies, which all drew on the the comics to some extent, but which also invented plenty of new concepts and narratives (with their own set of issues), which have to be judged on their own merit and in the appropriate context, imo.

Lastly, I also feel strongly that no one “should” have to do anything. We’re all here because we love something, but we’re never all going to love exactly the same things in exactly the same ways. In my opinion, fandom is a space where anything is possible, and not something that should be policed. Of course there will be people who would be very happy to have Steve back in any capacity, and that’s perfectly fine and valid! Similarly, it’s completely fine and valid if people don’t want him to return, and are not excited at the prospect of seeing more of old man Steve & Peggy, or are worried about what Steve’s return would mean for Sam Wilson’s Captain America. 

My point is, there will be different opinions on all of this, that’s only natural. And of course you’re free to disagree with some of them, but I also feel like it’s important to respect that others will feel differently, without telling them what they should or shouldn’t do. I happen to disagree with many opinions in within this fandom, but as long as those opinions don’t harm anyone, I just tune them out and shrug them off. I believe that’s the only way to keep fandom a pleasant space for all of us <3

[calypsoff]

Forty Eight.

I will come back to Jamaica and that will be for sure, I have created memories with people, got to know the locals within these three days. I mean of course they came over to me because of Robyn but they are so kind, they remind me of the Barbadian people, very kind and made us feel at home. I am ready to leave though, I want Robyn to get her check-ups, I think it’s been a while since we found out and so much as happened since, I feel so refreshed and happy, I am so happy to be married to the love of my life first of all, but I needed this break away, I needed to just live I guess. From being shot, from having the recovery and I needed that time to recover before going back to California to work, and I feel I am ready for that now and I want to do this rather than later because I want to be a good father to my child once it is born. And I kind know that once Robyn has the baby I feel like I would be the one to be at home with it more and to me that doesn’t bother me because my base is in California now but I am just glad we had this time to spend together, I had my time with her but I feel like she will be a little busy when we get California because she has been away for so long but I will just support Robyn in this, I have too and I won’t ever be on her case about spending time with me because I am only being the cause of her pain. I am just glad that I am going home now I guess, home is California and I have expected that to be the place even though it kind of scares me because of what happened, but Robyn assured me it will be gated “you seem in deep thought, are you ok?” Robyn asked, her head looking over her laptop “erm yeah, I am I guess. Just thinking, from VA to California. It’s a big step, but you been through an even bigger thing then me” I chuckled “you will be ok Chris. I will make sure of it” smiling lightly at her, she means that.

Stretching my body out, we have finally landed in LAX “good to be home? Our new home now, you better get used to it too. We decided this together right?” Robyn is questioning me like I am regretting it, maybe I am but it’s better for work “yeah; you said we will get a place that is very safe right?” She nodded her head while grabbing her bags “let me take that for you, I will hold them” she needs to relax with all that “aww thank you, you wanting your dick sucked again” I busted out laughing “I am being a good husband, but also being a good wife means dick sucking?” Robyn hit my arm laughing as she walked off “I like that you know” grabbing her bags from the table “what?” She questioned “your hair like that” whatever they call it “oh you like my hair in a high ponytail? Really? That’s random for you, so you prefer this? And let me guess with no makeup?” Nodding my head laughing following behind Robyn “how do you know that?” She guessed it “because you got a thing for no makeup Rihanna but thank you. I appreciate it” stepping off the jet slowly “aye! He’s back!” I spat, Rich broke into a smile “welcome back” he laughed, looking around the airport “paparazzi” I pointed, I mean they behind the fence but how did they know “someone must have leaked your landing time” Rich took the bags from me, that is odd. I mean people really go to extreme measures to leak this kind of information, to me it makes no sense to why they would do that. Walking towards the SUV, half of my stuff is still actually in Barbados so I will have to go and get that at some point.

Staring out of the car window, it’s nice being back I think anyways but still. Being away from this place was nice “I was looking at my schedule, it’s kind of busy. I pushed back the Puma meeting in London because of the house hunting and the appointment, Tina is meeting us at the apartment” looking over at Robyn “apartment? I just thought it would be a hotel” she shook her head “no, I told Tina an apartment until we can find something. She has contacted a realtor already and they are searching for us and I said it’s important, that it needs to be done and we both need to research hospitals, so we can book it in” clasping my hands together “you seem really uneasy, why?” Robyn noticed that “you know what, I felt the same when I came here first time again after VA, I just get that flashback, I guess it’s just my PTSD about everything, but I’m ok. I’m happy” I smiled “I want you to take a bodyguard with you when you go anywhere, I think you need it” I chuckled shaking my head “nah I don’t need that Robyn, honestly. But I’ll be ok, it is what it is. God put that in my path, and it happened, I have to accept it and I build from it Robyn. I can’t just sit here and be upset about it either” Robyn held her hand out for me to take, holding on to her hand “how was the wedding newlyweds?” Rich asked, he turned in his seat to look at us “it was nice, can’t you see the tan on us” I pointed out “you two have done too much relaxing” he waved his finger at us “good, I’m glad to know you both had a good time anyways” he turned back in his seat “crazy, I can’t believe Rihanna is a married woman now, I didn’t think she would actually. I remember she was telling me that she is in her wild and free phase, love. It’s such a blessing” Rich went on a little rant there “I am happy for you both, it’s nice to see my boss happy too” he added “thank you Rich, more work for you anyways” he chuckled, he has two people he needs to take care of.

Placing the suitcase in the corner of the lobby to the apartment “this is nice, wow” this is so impressive, I am shocked “yeah, it’s until we get our home which will be soon. I promise, explore” Robyn waved her arm around “have you stayed here before? I feel like you have” she turned to me “yes I have stayed here before, so I know how nice it is, it’s like this place keeps this main place here just for me, the view is amazing. I recorded a few songs here, I don’t know. It just puts me in that zone, come. Look” Robyn waved me over as she made her way to the window “I like it already, it’s very stylish this little layout” walking around the couch “it is, look at the scenery. We are just looking down at downtown LA. Crazy right?” stuffing my hands in my pockets and making my way to the window, looking down from the apartment “yo that is crazy, we are so high up aren’t we? Wow” I grinned “I understand why you like it here, it’s nice. I am actually very tired though. It was a long night wasn’t it” I grinned walking over to Robyn “mhmm you could say that all your fault” hugging Robyn close “you enjoyed it too” pressing a kiss to her head.

I feel like shit this morning, like I feel just busy and tired, and I am constipated. I feel like crying “why are you staring at me like that?” I asked Tina, I kind of snapped at her but she is staring at me like I am crazy “erm because you made me go to Starbucks just to have bottled water and ice in a Starbucks cup, you know how crazy I looked!?” grabbing my Starbucks cup “I googled that I cannot have my usual, I really wanted Starbucks, it makes me feel close to them. Stop judging me and making me sad!” I spat, placing the straw between my lips “you see this Chris? She made me go to Starbucks to get a bottle water and put it in a cup of ice but it had to be Starbucks” looking over at Chris topless, frowning at him “she is weird isn’t she, I bought the devil in her” placing my drink down “first of all it’s making me feel comfortable and second of all stop judging a pregnant woman and why is your top off? You look a little chubby actually” I had to judge him, he judged me. Watching him pull open the fridge door “I am going to the gym and also tap water is free you bougie ass, you out here making her do that, poor Tina” Chris grabbed a bottle of water, he placed his hand on Tina’ shoulders “poor, poor Tina. You made her do such a thing, how could you” shaking my head, my phone started to ring “it’s Matt” answering the call “who is Matt?” Chris questioned “realtor” Tina answered him “Rihanna, I got your email from your assistant. How are you? It’s been a while and you want to buy? You not leasing no more” Matt is shocked I am buying this time “no, things have changed Matt, I am married and also pregnant” he gasped “no way, not Rihanna!? Really, I read you’re engaged but pregnant, god. Things have changed for you so no more leasing?” shaking my head “no, I need a home. A forever home for my family, it needs to be a good home and also a secret for now” I added “you know I give you privacy for everything, so ok, I have a few” he added “Matt, it needs to be a gated community. I want the place to be so secure, you know the hell I went through with the lease I had” the line went quiet “I know, I understand. You said I don’t want to live around the famous people, they are annoying” I chuckled “yes I said that then, but things change, I have a family” Chris is looking at me intently I don’t know why “you have a budget Rihanna?” shaking my head “no but not ridiculous but gated please, security there twenty four seven. I know I will end up with a Kardashian as a neighbour or whatever, but it needs to happen” I keep adding this “not too big” Chris said “huh, one minute” looking at Chris “I don’t want eight bedrooms, just keep it to five the most and I want the bedrooms upstairs” nodding my head understanding “yeah so keep the bedrooms to five or below, bedrooms upstairs please, I require that. Matt I know you can help me” he will pull through “you know it, I got you. Speak soon Rihanna” he disconnected the call.

Eyeing up Tina to go, I just want to speak to Chris. He still has his fears and it’s coming up a lot with him “I am going to fix your clothes” Tina made up something, I smiled at her “I love a man that can cook” I grinned, he is making himself some eggs before he goes gym “I did ask if you want something” shaking my head “I am constipated right now, I feel not good. I think I need more fibre, can you buy me some whole wheat bread when you come home” Chris turned to me “of course, so you can’t poop?” watching him put his eggs on the toast “uh nope, I don’t want to strain myself either. Surprised you didn’t hear me straining” Chris pulled a face “stop being nasty” he laughed a little “Chris, I wanted to ask how are you? Just in general, just to be back in California” Chris picked his plate up making his way over to me “uhm ok, I don’t know. Like I said I still feel like I get those feelings from that moment, wow” he breathed out placing his plate in front of me “it was horrible, I could have died and not seen this, like marry you at all or even have a baby so yeah. I do get PTSD, I mean I have got PTSD so yeah I want a smaller house and I want the bedrooms on the top floor because I feel like you know, the bottom floor it’s easy access. Anyways changing the subject, I am sure you will pull through with a beautiful home but you leased that home and not bought?” this makes me sad that he still has this sadness within him, that he has this PTSD, and he thinks of these things “uh yeah, I was trying to shut you up about not having a home” he’s annoying.

Chris wants me to change the subject so I will “so about the bundle of joy, our baby. Have you seen any hospitals, what you think?” I want him to be involved in this even though I doubt he will know “erm no, I want it to be a place where it’s private enough for you, I am sure you would have researched it by now” he knows me well enough “yes actually, I think I am going to choose Cedar’s Sinai, it’s private enough for us. I am going to get Tina to book us in, will you be free any day?” I asked “yeah of course, any day for you and the baby. I am going to go Gym now, just downstairs but I will get the bread for you, you need anything else to make you poop?” rolling my eyes shaking my head “no, be quiet. Just please don’t tell anyone, I am going to miss you anyways, but I will make some calls” Chris is here taking about my poop, the nasty ass “and I was thinking” he stood “sell the pictures, I think we should and we can put the money into a fund for our child” my eyes widened “really? So you want us to sell them? I can get that sorted out but listen, let’s not put it into no fund. We will open a joint account and put it in there” I really wanted to say is you have the money “why you need to do that, you have an account, just say you want me to have the money, but I don’t want it so a fund for the baby ok?” nodding my head, he is stubborn.

[naturaldisasterfanfiction]

25. Part 2

I could have done this mixtape at my home but I am trying to keep that place clear as possible, I just wanted to put something out for the fans while I go into hiding with Robyn but I think I won’t be doing anything with Robyn, she is very angry with me. She keeps swearing in the messages “who is that?” I pointed at some new chicks “you ain’t been around in a while, these are some new OHB girls, they nice. They came Miami with us, and the thing is. They here for us” nodding my head “but they looking at me” I said, Sinko is funny “because you’re back now” I have no idea who they are but they not ugly “I did my thing, just waiting on the vocals from Gunna, he should be here now” just speaking on him and he walks in “about time nigga” sitting back in the chair “got held up” dapping him sighing out, I am a little tired to be honest. I have not been sleeping at all, I have been non stop just working on this mixtape, this was an idea just a few days ago, but I am used to sleeping now but I guess I am back on this no sleep shit “you need to put your vocals down nigga, we been waiting” Gunna acting like I bought him here to do drugs “nah, I don’t do that anymore” waving him off, imagine throwing something like that to my face. My phone started ringing in my hand, looking down at the ID, Robyn is not asleep “man” so this is clearly bugging Robyn then, answering the call “yo” I can’t be all cute with her, also she has been very mean to me on text “you not answered my text?” she wonders why I haven’t “you called me a dickhead, useless and all that. What do you want me to say to that? Thanks?” she being deadass “Chris, you going to read the lyrics? Go through it with me” nodding my head “yeah, one moment” taking the paper from him “oh now you busy, busy. I can’t believe you are doing something else, all I fucking wanted you to do is sort out your home! I am fucking angry with you Chris, I am priority. You’re useless” she’s said that so many times now “you and everyone else say the same shit, what is new? I can’t please everyone” getting up from the chair, the chatter in this room went awfully quiet “we are looking for hoody” my face softened seeing the police here, looking at Hood “just be quiet for one minute” I said to Robyn, she is ranting on in my ear “sir, I suggest you be quiet” the officer said to me “me? Officer, I was speaking to my friend” holding my phone up “then you put your friend away while we search you all” I am going to kill Hoody “call me back” disconnecting the call.

The police paraded us outside, for nothing when they came for one fat nigga and it’s all his fault. They made us take our shoes off, take all of our things out of our pockets and then sit on the floor, for nothing. I am clean, I have no weed on me at all. Worse part is there is an audience, they arrested Hood but now want to cause shit with the rest of us “get up, get your shit” looking over at Gunna, they are arresting him too. Getting up from the ground “hurry up! Leave now” I hate the fucking police so much, placing my feet in my sneakers “all of you go home unless you want to be arrested!” maybe if he stops shouting then I will do it, leaning down to pick up my things and then seeing a foot kick my phone away from me on the ground, looking up at this fucking white officer “hurry up” he stared at me “come on, here. Let’s go” Sinko held my phone out to me “come, let’s go bro! It’s not worth it” Sinko yanked me away, I want to punch his face “they got Gunna for having drugs” Lo said at the side of me “I will drop Sinko off” I said to Lo, I just want to get out of here now.

Sinko ended up coming to mine but it’s whatever, he saved my ass because I was about to knock the officer out for kicking my phone away “good looking out though” walking to the front door of my home “I saw it, I was putting my sneakers on and I was like nah. You about to snap so I had to get your ass out of there” I was close “I was close bro, very close. I need to take this call, I will be with you” Robyn has gave me so many missed calls “hey, I am home anyways” closing the door, watching Sinko walk off to the kitchen “what the fuck happened!? Are you serious, I am sat here scared looking all over Instagram and Twitter, and then I see a video of you on the ground. Are you serious!?” jogging up the steps “I know, I got caught up with the shit, Hoody was getting arrested, but they decided to keep us all behind and search us all, I was clean. They let me go and some of the boys, but the white officer kicked my phone and my mind was going blank, I was so close to snapping but Sinko grabbed my phone and dragged me. It’s fine, I am home now anyways” Robyn sighed out “do you know how dangerous that is Chris!? It scared me; I was so scared. I can’t do this, you promised me to come back now come the fuck back!” she shouted “I know, I am sorry. I miss you so much” Robyn sobbed out “you’re stressing me out, you really are. I told you I needed you here but yet I am alone, and then that. We already have so much to go through, I didn’t need that for us. I am going to go and cry myself to sleep now. I don’t want you to be on the phone to me, just stay home” she put the phone down, this has made it worse “fuck” I breathed out.

I slept terribly; I mean of course I would. I slept but for a few hours, what did I expect when my husband has been in California for two weeks, he has done nothing but send his god forsaken cars here and then says to me, I am thinking on what to do, so what have you been doing for the past two weeks, I gave him the benefit that he was thinking for himself, I wasn’t on his case, I left him to it but I kind of fucked up, I should have done the thinking for him I should have made sure he did what I said, I should have gave him bullet points, I am just disappointed in him. And then on top of that the police nearly arresting him, I just had to cry, I did not want his face on the blogs for the wrong reasons but look at that, he’s on the blogs for drugs, drugs he said he never had because honestly he would have got arrested if so, I am just stressed. I wanted him here to help me, to help me in the bath, to rub my back, to cuddle me, to help me with the baby crib. I told the designer to leave that, I wanted him to do it because it’s cute to do, but no, he hasn’t come back at all. Stuck in this big house with no husband, we never had a fucking honeymoon period and it upsets me, he is there doing nothing but annoy me “I made you breakfast, every day I see you Robyn and you getting bigger and bigger” my mom knows how to make me feel better “thanks, it’s the depression eating for me” I have to moisturise myself, not even my husband here “my breasts have been leaking too, a little anyways. Morning Dennis” least I have him to entertain me.

I usually eat all of my breakfast, but I just played around with my food, I didn’t want any of it because I am sad about this. He promised me, the amount of times I have cried down the phone, nothing has worked with him “I heard you crying last night” my mom said, she broke the silence in the room, I feel like she was waiting to say it “I know, I just want my husband back with me. I might as well say it, but you may see some news about Chris. He was in the studio, police came to arrest someone else, but they ended up searching them outside the studio which caused people to be watching, but he is ok. I am sure your wonderful son will be calling you” I know what Rorrey is like “he did call me, he said is that Robyn’ husband? Is that what she waited for” I fucking knew it, I knew he would and I am angry at Chris for it “I did actually, I am happy” I lied “tell your husband from me, he needs to do better” looking away from my mother, I am just seething right now. The buzzer went off “that must be his cars” pushing the seat back “I will come with” Dennis got up with me “help you and protect you” I laughed as Dennis placed his arm around me “that is sweet, means a lot to me boo” Dennis chuckled rubbing my bump as we walked to the door.

I breathed out at the commotion, two lorries with containers blocking the road. I mean what a way to cause a commotion “hi, I need you to sign this. Just so my boss knows it’s been delivered and you was here to take delivery from a Mr Brown” taking the paper from him “I guess they are having issues getting the big thing in here” I pointed, leaning the board on my bump as I signed the paper “oh he will be fine, he will be able to get that in” looking up at him, passing the paper back “like I said” oh he has got it in my front yard “it’s causing traffic, so like I am not even sure how that works” I pointed at the hydraulic thing Chris is supposed to know how to work, I don’t “what is it for?” he asked “if you park the car on there, the ramp lowers and parks the car for him” I mean I don’t know this shit “there should be a system to work it in the house, I can work it for you?” nodding my head “Dennis, take him downstairs. There is some thing where he can work it out” stepping to the side, it is freezing out here. Crossing my arms across my  chest, he sure did fit his huge lorry in this but then the second one is just there blocking things “hi Rihanna” the guy smiled at me as he got ran the side of the lorry “hi, what is in there?” I asked, there is two lorries, so I am confused on why the fuck is on each “this!” he shouted “it has two Lamborghinis in this one and a Rezvani tank and a Bentley in the other. The shipment strictly said we had to do it in two, he didn’t want us to load four in one” he said three, the little liar “ok” I am not happy with him.

That is good, the guy actually knows how to work the thing. They are lowering them in, so I am glad about that. I don’t want them parked out here, people could know it’s his cars, people are weird “that is so ugly” I said staring at the tank, why did he bring that here like what the fuck “it’s very Chris don’t you think?” Dennis is right it is, he will need it to sleep in actually “he said three cars to me, he bought four and a complaining neighbour because they couldn’t park” I am sure that was the last one “could you also sign off for this shipment please” the guy held out the paper to me “sure” I always lay the board on my bump, it’s just getting big so why not “my kids will never believe I met Rihanna, you are actually as they say. You’re very beautiful, but we are sworn to secrecy” I laughed “well, something to tell the grandkids” I laughed “thank you Rihanna, nice meeting you” he walked off “it’s very nice in the parking space downstairs, it’s so fancy. I like” looking at Dennis “thank you, can I leave you to make sure the gates are locked and all that. I am getting cold now” walking behind inside.

Dennis gasped “no fucking way, her hand really all on your bump. I could literally count those fingers. Oh my god, let me see. I can get a good picture here” here he goes “probably could, it’s no fun for the mother though” watching Dennis grab his camera “it’s usually around here” touching my bump lightly “you not going to do it now, are you” I bet she won’t, I feel like my daughter already wants to come out, it is so weird to see. I gasped seeing her do it again “did you get it?” he better have now “I did, my finger was on the button” he sat next to me “this is actually do cute, I like it” he turned his camera to me “oh my god, that is so fucking weird” I laughed, that is just so weird to see a fucking hand in my stomach like that “I like it, never know. Could be my album cover, I could use that for something. That is amazing” I am well amazed by it “anyways, I shall go and have a nice soothing bath. I will leave doors open mother. Don’t worry, if you hear me shouting then please come and save” pulling my top over my bump “well be careful, it’s important times for you now” my mother is right, but she worries about me a lot.

It is way harder to get out of the tub now, but I pull myself out. I look good pregnant, but I know I have gained from the eating I do; I can’t help it. Fastening the robe around me a little tighter, I don’t know why I bother because this robe barely fits around me. Let me check my phone, I didn’t take my phone with me in the bath just because I wanted some peace and if Chris rang he would ruin my good vibes, I just feel so upset with him. I don’t care if he comes anymore now because I told him I needed him now, at these important times and he did nothing but fuck around there “mhmm” Mel has gave me so many missed so calls, that’s what I also get for putting my phone on silent. Tapping on Mel’ name so it can ring her back, sitting on the edge of the bed “where have you been!?” Mel half shouted “in the bath, relaxing. I need it” I really did need it “are you sat down?” frowning in confusion “yes I am, are you pregnant!?” I will be so excited if so “uh hell the fuck no, so I am not sure if it has spread anywhere yet. So I posted myself in a bikini because I look good and my comments are being flooded with random shit, did Chris’ cars come?” nodding my head “uh yes” I am sure I complained that they were “I don’t know why I asked, so my comments are being flooded with is this true, and then my messages on Instagram are being flooded with a video, I was deleting comments anyways. So like, I sent you the video and on the snapchat video there is a caption saying welcome to the neighbourhood Rihanna, harmless. You can vaguely see you stood outside” putting my head down already knowing “but you can see Chris’ Lamborghini being driven out of the thing, like there is no denying who the fuck that is, because that is some unique wrap on his car. I have not seen it hit blogs yet but there is some meltdowns already happening, I am here panicking not sure what to do or say” this is not good, this is bad “oh my god, you seen what happened to Chris though? I am so fucking angry Mel, I told him to be here for me. I don’t know what to do, do I just ignore it and let it happen or catch it and do it myself before it spreads, like announce it on my terms and then just leave it as that, fucking Chris and those stupid cars. Tell me!?” I need help on what to do with this, this is not good for me or this situation “you can’t even say let your team handle it, your team don’t know anything, this is difficult. I would erm, you know what. Break your own news, Chris is in California and he had to get a stupid headline. I wouldn’t mention the marriage part, I would say he is helping you with her. I think do it your way, don’t let these blogs run your show. And then you can go back to the thing of releasing that personal blog and it shows you both are married, don’t be hard on yourself, you can do it. And then get Dennis to look after your phone, and rest” Mel knows I am stressed now.

I called Chris, he didn’t pick up so he can just get the tail end of it when I tried “let them guess Robyn, don’t do that” my mom said “then my team will call me, then it becomes are big bubble of lies when the truth is there. The fucking video shows his car being loaded off, whoever took it was just videoing me but then exposed more than that, fucking idiot person” the longer I wait the more I don’t want to do this “it is one less thing from you to hide, I loaded this picture” Dennis turned my phone to me, smiling at the picture of Chris and I when we had the mini photoshoot in the bedroom, I do remember this “I looked better there, now I am huge. I like that picture actually. We both look so happy, he was shy there too” I giggled to myself “mhmmm, so the caption then. You can write it, oh my god. This is going to be bad, mom” looking at my mom “why? You have been happy, that is your husband. What is upsetting you the most” my mom put her arm around me as I cried, putting my head down “the hate, the judgement. I am going to be called terrible things and it’s not fair, oh god. It’s like when you watch your favourite show and you don’t want that couple to be together, it’s hard. For us”, my mom kissed the top of my head “come on Robyn, you have been ever so happy. Don’t let this get you sad” taking in a deep breath “ok so, put this. When they say it takes one night, it’s true. We are so excited to meet our daughter” I have nothing else to say, shaking my head “that is it” I managed to say “are you sure you want me to post it? You can always just wait it out, let the storm blow over” shaking my head “they will end up catching him arrive here because they will be watching us now, what other excuse will he make unless he doesn’t come back, probably won’t anyways. He will have to deal with it on his side now, he didn’t pick up” I sniffled “post it and keep my phone with you” this is a mess.

[essaycollection99]

why sometimes its ok to creep on your ex 5 years later

why sometimes its ok to creep on your ex 5 years later originally posted on medium.com

21 minutes past midnight. First day of the new year.

I definitely do some of my best writing a little manic. Half asleep. A little high, a little tipsy. It’s always at the edge of something. 

Usually I feel guilty for cyber stalking my exes. Tonight is different though. Tonight I felt relieved. 

He looks good. Healthy. Alive. 

When he dropped out of school and stopped talking to any of us he also scrubbed most of his online presence. For a while some cryptic new song would be released on his bandcamp, and I only learned about it through a burner email address that was signed up for his new releases. One day even that disappeared. 

He was the first guy anything ever felt good with, you know? 

It was a mess. The whole thing. Every minute of being with him was a messy dance of me being scared to ask for what I wanted. Which was him. Or, more clearly, which was him to leave his girlfriend and give us a shot. For me to actually trust him (and myself) enough to say fuck it, it’s worth it, even if it crashes and burns. If it crashed and burned at least that meant it had gotten off the ground.

I thought I was playing it safe by living in the inbetweens and taking whatever I was given. 

I said I was too busy. I became busy with my ex who wasn’t really giving me the time of day. 

I said it didn’t matter to me. That I was edgy. That I wanted open. That I was 21 and he was 19 and we could do whatever we wanted without really talking about what we were doing or what we wanted. It crashed and burned even without us ever defining what we were doing. 

That was five years ago. 

Besides being really hard to search for online, the other reason I never really searched was because I was worried what I would find. When I was (metaphorically) still bruised and bloodied from the aftermath of things, still completely broken and depressed to the fact that his last text of “I’m not going anywhere, so don’t miss me this summer” turned into him not talking to me or our other best friend at all. Oh, and his open relationship was actually closed, his girlfriend was in classes with me that next semester and hated my guts, and I apparently wasn’t as cool about being the other woman that I originally thought I was. I was a senior and supposed to be prepping for a BFA but all I could do was fixate on how miserable I was and didn’t know who I was anymore because of my actions that spring. As all of this was going on, he stopped showing up to classes, and there was a rumor that he was in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. I still remember calling the list of local hospitals asking about him, and then rushing to my job at the library. I was late. Eyes still red, my ex came in with no books to return or check out, presumably just to kill time by talking with me until his rehearsal started. He asked what was wrong and I told him I was worried for my friend Chris’s life. 

My ex didn’t really know about Chris and I, but I think he knew enough. He knew that Chris and I were close, but he was the one friend that I didn’t talk to him about. That was enough for him to know. 

I think my ex told me that he was really sorry, and that he hoped that Chris would be ok. I couldn’t really respond because I had started to hold back tears. I cried a lot that year on the job; huge thanks to my unlabeled anxiety and everything that comes with fooling around with classmates in a very small art school. With only 7 majors we had just under 900 students in all. Shit got around fast.  My ex wordlessly moved away from the check in / check out library counter and towards the gate. He started to open it and I got up instead. He was always trying to come behind to the staff only side of things. He wrapped me in the biggest most protective hug and amidst everything I felt safe again. 

A lot of times I forget about why so much time in college was spent with him, and then I remember the small moments like this, and remember he wasn’t all douchebag. He knew what to do, and my anxiety always stopped in his arms. 

My good (and albeit overprotective) friend of ours walked by and gave us a look, she had rehearsal with my ex in 15 minuets (like I said, the school was small, we knew everyone’s business). All he said was “Lani’s friend is in the hospital right now.” Which prompted our friend to give me a hug too.  

Googling Chris years later and I was worried that I’d find the worst news online. Sure, our other best friend used to see him in a blue moon working at a vape shop, or maybe it was talking to someone who worked at a vape shop that Chris would go to. Or running into his ex girlfriend at a party (apparently they only broke up finally once Chris turned 21 and could buy for himself).

Sure, I can still remember it all, what he smells like, what it felt like to have his hands on my hip absently during a movie night, can still think of the way he said “wow” when I undressed for him in an empty classroom. But, years later am I allowed to be worried about him? He was an alcoholic at a young age, and I knew stories from before I met him. I knew stories about him from after he stopped talking to us. I was so worried about what would happen. 

Do I even need to say it? Surely you’ve read enough of my work to know how my dad turned out. You just read how Chris ended up with alcohol poisoning. I was worried about the worst. Maybe that’s why I never did a real good job at finding him online, when I would boredly look for his scrubbed online footprint. 

I want to make happy art. I’ve been making abstract art for almost 2 years now. But, I still want to capture those flutterflies you feel when a boy shouts across the parking lot “you’re back!” and runs towards you. When he kisses you in the elevator on the way to your class, but then has to run down two flights of stairs so he gets to his class on time. I want those feelings in art because they don’t come naturally to me. One of the simplest feelings of happy was when I was with Chris. I have most of that time recorded in a small red notebook, and so I re read it. Lay in bed and skimmed, looking for his name. Reading and smiling, remembering I really did try. Sure, it was a mess (see: beginning of this essay) but it was pretty damn sweet as well. I wrote in my journal about a day that he was particularly nihilistic, distinctly hard to read, specifically very very high. It was his mother’s birthday. 

His mother. 

Sure, he might have scrubbed his social media footprint, but it’s really hard to get parents off of facebook. Even more so, it’s hard for them to not post photos of you on it, even if you are a grown ass adult. 

I had never thought to look up his mother. 

It almost felt stupid afterwards, the fact that I had never done that. 

His smile is still the same. 

He’s 25 now. In my head I’m me still, but I’m picturing him as the 19 year old kid taking dab bong hits with our best friend and than coming into the corner of the kitchen to kiss me without anyone noticing. Rail thin from never “remembering” to eat, soft lipped, shy smile, sad eyes, 19 year old (soon to be) college drop out. 

I close my eyes and can still see him, shouting at me from across the street “you’ve got bows in your hair!” The naturally bleach blonde hair and pastel colors he wore, the urgent way he kissed me in the video editing room as I waited for my mentor to show.

His hair isn't blonde now, it’s strawberry blonde, the hint of ginger.

He seems taller now. 

He attended his sister’s wedding. 

He looks good. Alive. Healthy. Sober. 

His face has filled out. I pull up photos of me from when we knew each other, and photos of me now, do I look that much changed as well? It was hard to eat in college for me too, I think I’m a little less thin now. I feel more me. I wonder if he feels the same. My hair is pink now, though when I look at my old hair I now see thick light caramel hair instead of the stringy dirty brown I always felt it was. I know now which parts of my body I want to accentuate and how. 

Oh god, his smile. It’s still the same. It melts me. 

He looks happy. He looks happy on his mothers facebook page- his mother who he was so angry at so long ago. It all feels surreal. I’m back in the library all over again, but this time, instead of being worried, I get good news.  That my ex is right, things will be ok.

I usually feel guilty when I cyber stalk exes. Foolish for wanting to see what they’re up to without me. Silly for caring so much years later, after so much absence. But for Chris, I just felt relief. 

His mother writes “I am so proud of my compassionate son Chris, love you to the moon and back” on a close up photo uploaded two months ago. The 19 year old angry, nihilistic, fuck-the-world-including-my-mother-because-I-refuse-to-call-her-back-even-if-it’s-her-birthday, would have hated that post. I held his hand and listened to him rant that day. Watched him let go of my hand and kick rocks into the Bay, upset at him mom for reasons that didn’t make sense to me. 

“I’m not a good guy.” He would tell me between soft, feather like kisses (trying to get my sensitive skin not to go red between classes, but it’d happen anyways). “I have really bad days. I don’t talk to anyone on Wednesdays. No matter how much I like them.”

I never believed him. Tried to tell him how special he was. How talented. How wonderful he was. How things would work out for him.

I was right. 

[ts-2020-olympics]

EPISODE 1 - “My Legs Were Not Qwoperating” - Kathy (Part 2)

no. jk here.

So, it’s morning. I look around at our camp, and see everyone is at work. Karen is painting their flag and using safety scissors to cut out Monty’s head, Kevin is chanting to himself in the corner, Stoner’s been asleep so we buried him in the sand up to his neck and then sculpted a sand castle around him. Tommy is just trying to make eye contact with anyone he can and so I’m...avoiding that. I’d say we are solid but that’s probably not the truth, and so that kind of stinks. I’m hoping the newbies really fuck up, and I know that’s harsh but...that’s showbiz, babe!! Speaking of newbies I still haven’t talked to a few of them.  Emma like zoomed away the first day and I’ve given up on talking to her. Hope she goes first. That’s all I got for now, going to eat breakfast I will continue this rant later.

my truth is that i haven’t played an org game in so long i forgot i was playing and then remembered an hour ago and tried to do this wack qwop game hsksksj! my legs were not qwoperating 

I see there's an arena going on! I might go there first if the rest of the team is okay with it - gives me a chance to scope things out and get a feel for the area. I'm excited!

WE WON THE FUCKING CHALLEEEENGE AAAAA NOT ONLY DID WE WIN BUT WE KILLT IT WE SCORED 12 AND EVERYONE ELSE GOT LIKE 8 AND 5 OHMYGOOOD IM NOT GONNA BE FIRST OUT YALL IM SHAKING I CANT BELIEVE GSJDKDVDSNDBWSKHSD okAy okay so thank god bc my tribe has like no drama so our vote would’ve been really difficult and that gives me more time to think about my possible advantage and the possible bonds here. 

so while I am safe I still have to game a little bit and talk to the people I’ve been talking with who are going to tribal like Sammy and Jordan, funny enough who are on the same tribe.... maybe I can get them to protect each other..... hm

Well we lost because of technicalities, I choose to blame that. This tribe is apparently extremely quiet to each other, so the fact that I messaged everyone hello this morning, nearly 48 hours after the start, I am SOMEHOW one of the best social players here. Challenges are generally my strength, we got last in QWOP, so backup is social game in a social ORG. I can be in some danger here, but I think I have a TRusuT sclusTER to keep myself here. As is necessary. I don't care who goes, I have a preference, but I don't really want to set a goal right now. Flexibility is key.

I'm literally PISSED. I'm fuming right now, like wtf? OK so I haven't confessed anything yet because my tribe has been SO quiet. I've honestly talked a lot more to some of the people from ONE WORLD than I have from some of the people from my own tribe... and I'm not crazy okay? It's NOT my fault. I put in effort with these people... But some of these people are just DRY! Drier than the Sahara Desert! Drier than my chappy ass lips! They can't hold a conversation, and that's obnoxious. I'm not going to respond to you if your message has literally nothing in it worth responding to, that's why most of my messages will either have a follow-up question, or something actually of substance to comment on/reply to... YOU SHOULD DO THE SAME SO WE CAN ACTUALLY SPEAK AND MAINTAIN A CONSISTENT DIALOGUE!!!!!!! But NOOOOOOO, my tribe decides to not speak... MOVING ON! The only people I've had good conversations with really are Juls and Em, and lo and behold, Em does lit rally nothing in this challenge, which sucks because I'm afraid that may put a target on her back. But I'm not sure, I definitely will vote with her and I think Juls will too. I'll move onto that later but I wanna talk about why I'm fucking LIVID RIGHT NOW. I literally made SO many suggestions on how we could tweak who does what in this challenge, or what we do on certain parts. Now I'm going to admit a TINY bit of fault here, in that I didn't say my suggestions on the tribe flag. There are some things I think we could've done to make it better, but I love Juls, and everyone had already told her it was great, so I didn't wanna make her feel that I didn't like it or was over criticizing. So I didn't say anything. That was my bad. BUT EVERYTHING ELSE, LUV? I said We should guess lower than 610... Now granted my even 600 guess still would've been too low to win, BUT AT LEAST IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN OVERBOARD! HMPPHH!!!!! Or maybe we could've compromised on 605 if people hadnt IGNORED ME!!!! IDK!??!?!?! Further than that, I asked for different tweaking on the chant and nobody gave any suggestions. I'm not saying we would've won or anything had I taken the lead or that I was doing everything the right way,  obviously I wasn't since my chant got 3rd, but what I'm saying is once it became obvious the challenge was going to be about group participation and suggestion, our tribe needed to unify. Everyone in the tribe needed to have a clearer vision and talk to eachother and actually put in the EFFORT that this stuff requires. Which I'm admitting my own error, in not doing that with the flag. But our tribe was just so quiet and silent before now, which sent me down a paranoid spiral, that I was super fucking worried about my place in the tribe or where things were heading. Now I realize I'm in a good position on the tribe for sure, it's just that our tribe is STRUGGLING. ON THE (Mr.) BRIGHTSIDE!!! We lost by a tiebreaker guess, and only by 4 points.... and I'm pretty close with Juls, and it seems like a target will probably fall pretty easily onto Billy. He had the worst QWOP score, described himself as arrogant in his own intro, and just seems.. critical of others. He gives off a strange vibe. If it's not him, I'm pretty sure it'd end up being Jacob or Em. I feel that me and Juls are safe which is all that I can hope for on a tribe this freaking tiny, I instantly connected with Juls over our love of anime, the fact her name is the same as Euphoria Jules, and other stuff. As far as One World goes, I honestly keep forgetting it exists. I haven't reached out to too many of the others but have talked back to those who talk to me and it's been generally decent. I get along well with other Jacob, the not pie one. Caeleb I already know from before this and so I feel like we'd def work together, and I get good vibes from a lot of these people like Eve, Nicole, Ben, etc. Honestly I'm just so frustrated right now because things have been quiet and nervous and I'm PARANOID, and my tribe was so close to winning but fucked it up over minor things we could've tweaked had we just tried a little harder and communicated a little more. ugh, this SUCKS. now my first legacy in Tumblr Survivor is a mediocre chant (i honestly really like it and i put a LOT OF THOUGHT INTO IT OKAY....) and a trip to tribal council *Sobs* Here's hoping things take a positive turn from here...? It could always be the Bronze before my Gold! ~Hamfisted olympics metaphor~

Love my tribe a lot! However, i still feel on the outside somewhat tho.... Idk this is a lot for me I just hope we win until a swap or whatever its called ahh

Alright, Darcy back here with yet another confessional!   Here is a little update since I last posted confessional, mainly the biggest difference is now I have an ally formed with Ben.   At least, I made a deal with Ben yesterday proposing just the generic looking after one another ordeal, then going to give it some time and maybe question Beck about forming an alliance, since I've been connecting with her even more past bit, but don't want to go too fast and end up asking half my tribe right away to work with me, as I don't want to be seen as playing hard out the gate and make myself a target.   Meanwhile, I decided to give the Olympic Village searching a shot, but alas was no luck in the cafeteria cabinets, so will just have to try my luck again in the future rounds.   Thinking of searching either the South or North end of Village next round, but we shall see.   Anyways, I'm glad my tribe won Immunity, so don't have to go to tribal this round, and this Olympic Arena twist sounds great, essentially one person from each tribe goes to the Arena, I believe for the immune tribes just 1 person is selected to go to the Arena, and for the losing tribes, the two voted out go to arena, where the winner of the voted out people come back in the game, and loser is out of the game for good.   Think I read that all right, but maybe won't hurt to give it another read to double check.   For now though, I shall go, so will see you all with my next confessional.

Fuck having to go to tribal first. I don’t like having to send someone home when I don’t even really know who I’m playing with yet. 

Seems like Billy pulling the "I don't want to make any moves" to me was surprisingly bullshit. Who would've thunk. I think everyone is fine with voting out Billy here, I didn't really want to initially, but yeah, uh no. I could be in danger, but if everyone is honest here, I should be fine. Fingers crossed. "I'm either going to be first boot or win" - Pia Miranda

So, the first tribal is in a bit and we were almost sent there but managed to pull through in the tiebreaker! I hope that opens some of my tribemates eyes (lets be real, just Stoner who hasn’t been doing much of anything!) Being in One World but none of the newbies talking to me is still wild to me, half of them still haven’t even accepted my contact request. Yet they’re plenty active in the chat, so what gives? Anyway, I hope it’s just that they are intimidated by the very fact that I am beauty, and grace, and Miss United States. I hope we can win the next round, hopefully first or second place so we don’t have a close call again. We are trying to get Chris to go to the Arena so he can get us that 20% but he hasn’t answered so...what gives? On the alliance front I’m good with Kevin and Karen tribewise , the bigger picture is Kevin, Jacob and Sammy want to align and then we will have a bigger alliance that includes Beck, Juls and Eve. Eventually I might wanna break off and align with Jules and Eve, but having bigger targets around is essential. Anyway that’s all I got for now. I should start making video confessionals AS THINGS ARE HAPPENING. Ya know? Anyway toodles for now see ya next round. OH, and I’m hoping Jules and Jacob are safe this tribal :( love them and hope we can work together going forward. 

Hiiii, arena results are about to come in so I'm just gonna drop a quickie confessional before that happens. I don't honestly remember how much I talked about the strategy and gameplay that was going on, so I'll give you a quick rebriefing of that. I'm really close with Juls. Em I like, but I want more out of her. Jacob is quiet, but inoffensive. Billy, I actually like him, but there are certain things about him that just.. Rub me (and others) a strange way and that's why we voted him out because certain things he did just didn't quite gel with the rest of the team. If he does return from the arena though, it's possibly I may vouch for him over Jacob because Jacob... HE JUST NEEDS TO TALK!!! But idk. One world still SUCKS and is dragging me through the MUD because nobody wants to do cross-tribe talking me included but that gets me paranoid as FUCK, luv. About the live tribal, it was fun! My camera angle was awkward and I was soo nervous though, but I think I was still able to hold it together relatively well, act normal, and give semi-decent answers. Will definitely be improving my live tribal performance for next time so I can be a bad ass bitch on call, it's GOING to happen... dskfdsf. I love Emma on call/video sooooo much, But on text she's kind of dry. Maybe I need to ask her if I can call her sometime, but I haven't done a call for a game like this in a looong time. I'm a bit nervous about that. But yeah. I'm looking forward to the game... The first tribal just makes everything real, and you realize, oh shit, we're playing Survivor. And I forgot how thrilling it was to play in a live, video environment like that, it just grips you and it feels so much more intense than when wiki results are just posted in chat and you don't have to deal with physically seeing the person you're voting out, talking to them with your actual voice, etc. All that stuff just makes the experience that much more realistic and it's so intense and fun. I'm ready to get this game on (Btw fuck the arena twist)

hey guys im really loving this game so far... keep up the good work!

i didn’t appreciate the attitude billy gave me whenever i tried to help the team out but! i’m willing to get over it because he is a nice guy. i feel fairly comfortable with my team and i’m just hoping we can avoid another tribal! 

Hello! I can not believe I'm back for a 6th time on Tumblr Survivor this is so crazy! Especially for an Olympic season because I vowed to myself that I would never do a season again that was more than 20 people after being in Japan. Now that I'm back I'm ready to play, I haven't really came into this season with a strategy but if I did it would have changed because this is a One World season and now with the arena twist I'm sweating. One World makes the season super social (probably one of my least favorite twists) it's very easy for this season to let pre-mades and majorities take over just like that and let underdogs like me in this season to get taken out especially taken out early. So I have been social not only with me but a few people on different tribes but not too much. I don't want to seem like I'm playing too hard but I wanna build relationships before swaps happen so that people choose to ally with me (A WINNER) over a newbie or a returnee who hasn't won because I already have a big target on my back. With how the tribe divisions are it gives the newbies the biggest advantage with 15 newbies compared to 5 winners and 5 non-winner returnees, which isn't bad in a Fan vs. Favorite season because the ratio is even with returnees and newbies. However, now that I'm in the minority and also labeled a WINNER, I have to do damage control to lower my target but most importantly integrate with other people which is hard because I'm not the best social player and I know that's my weakness but I still have to attempt. In terms of my own tribe I'm closest to Kevin, when I talk to him we have a good conversation I probably already irritate him but I think out of everyone I can put my trust in him the most compared to everyone else. I think having one good ally is how I want to approach this season due to the arena twist I don't want to come across as running the tribe especially the winners tribe incase we do go to tribal because if I vote in the majority and that person stays they are immune and will be mad and spill the beans about the tribe, and I want that person to be the least mad at me so the focus is not on me. So having overall good vibes and 1 strong connection is a good strategy for the long term game. It might put me at risk for being voted out in the short term but I want to play the long-term game. Preferably if it is up to me I'd want Nicole to be the next closest to Kevin and myself without myself having to make an official deal with Nicole so I'm not seen as the ringleader. Kevin says he wants Stoner to be the first one voted out on our tribe but honestly I rather it be Karen. Stoner has the reputation keeps his target bigger than the rest and I think Karen has the better chance of flipping on the winners and succeeding than Stoner does. So my target is Karen if we do lose. I also believe that there may be an alliance with Nicole, Kevin, and Karen which I hope is not an actual alliance because that's bad news for me. I hope we don't go to tribal because I don't wanna go to a tribal with only 5 people. Wish me luck!

Whew it has been one round and i've fucked up so much its not even funny. its a little funny. anyways i start this game on a tribe of 5, i allign with connor who ive never played a game with and find some similar common ground, and with jacob who seems chill. we lose the first challenge sucks and all hell breaks loose, long story short fuck sammy. I'm trying to work my way back in caeleb and jacobs good graces. its gonna be a rocky road, but its one i've driven before

[welllpthisishappening]

Look, Laura, you can’t just tag-rant the thing about Roland and Matt and air hockey and promotional videos and then not write the thing. That’s not how this works. Your adoring public (or at least I) demand it. Please. It’s too cute/hilarious not to. Please? Yes.

Look, I am incapable of turning down asks like this. I just want to write what you guys want to read! And it blows my mind that you want to read anything I write! It is very nice! So the tag-rants being talked about are here and have spawned I don’t even know how many words here about Roland Locksley and Matt Jones and being forced into preseason NHL videos together. 

Age-wise, Roland is 32, Matt is 23, Henry is 37, Peggy is 20, Chris is 14, Lizzie is 24 and Leo Nolan is 21. Also making sure to thank @wholockgal for sending a very similar, equally nice ask. You guys are the best. 

“So. Who has the better wrist shot?”

The laugh flew out of Matt – loud and entirely uncontrolled, his whole body lurching forward with the force of it and he wasn’t entirely surprised by the forearm that slammed into his stomach. It hurt, but he wasn’t entirely surprised. “Did you see that?” Matt asked, not entirely sure which camera he was supposed to be looking into. This was, apparently, a multi-camera operation. “He totally just mom’ed me.”

He didn’t have to look to his left to know Roland rolled his eyes.

He could practically hear it.

And nearly two-dozen years of experience had prepared Matt perfectly for this moment. Playing a newlywed-style game in an NHL-produced preseason video. If he didn’t stop laughing, he was going to bend his whiteboard in half.

They’d totally given them whiteboards.

“You have no control over your limbs,” Roland grumbled, his own voice tinged with laughter. The whole thing was, fundamentally, absurd. It was, after all, called The Broleywed Game and Matt wasn’t sure how that spelling worked, really, but he supposed they’d lucked out his first few seasons in the league and Ruby kept telling them it was only a matter of time until something like this happened.

It wasn’t really that bad.

He was kind of excited.

He was totally going to win.

Competitive weirdo.

“That doesn’t mean I’m going to impale myself on this table,” Matt argued. Several different production assistants looked a little stunned. This probably wasn’t part of the script.

Technically, or whatever. Because the one production assistant who’d met with them that morning had just told them to have fun with it and Matt was definitely having fun. If only because, at some point around his twelfth birthday, he’d made it his personal mission to get Roland to sigh as dramatically as possible as often as possible.

He was very good at it.

Not as good as shooting a wrister, but—

“I am really not feeling all that confident about that, actually,” Roland said, and Matt knew that look too. The idiot thought he was winning. He flashed a grin – a smile that Matt used to tell him had far too many teeth, but that only ever made his mouth widen even more, a glint in his eyes that never boded well for anyone.

Especially defensemen.

Roland was stupid good at passing.

“Oh, shut up.”

Roland snickered, digging his elbow further into Matt’s spleen. “Tell the people at home how many times you’ve crashed into things, Matthew David.”

“Aw, c’mon!”

“Tick tock, you’re disappointing the waiting public.”

Matt squirmed in his seat, well aware that the whole thing was dissolving into juvenile mess much quicker than even he expected it to and he was only slightly hopeful that Ruby wouldn’t be too disappointed. It’d probably make both his dad and Uncle Robin laugh.

“You know what,” Roland continued, another far-too-confident smile, “I’ll tell. Alright, when Matt was six he decided he was going to stage his own personal game seven in the restaurant where we used to go after games—“

“—Oh my God, shut up.”

Roland shook his head, moving his arm and for one second Matt could breathe normally, but then the arm moved around his shoulders, yanking him half off his chair and he kind of felt six years old again. “No, no, no, this is good. Honestly, this is the best story you guys are going to hear all media day. Where was I?”

“I’m six,” Matt grumbled. “Probably breaking things by now.”

The laughter was starting to get absurd.

“Right, right, ok, so Matt is six. He’s practicing wristers and one-timers and we’re uptown after a game. He decides he’s going to reenact a game seven and starts taking practice shots against the wall.”

Matt wasn’t sure who gasped, but it might have been the entire studio and he couldn’t possibly roll his eyes hard enough. “So,” Roland added, “he’s taking the shots and leaving dents and then he gets one past my brother who, at some point, he’d recruited to play goalie.”

“There is no reason to do any of this if you don’t have someone to play goalie,” Matt muttered, a hum of anything except decidedly sarcastic agreement out of Roland. “Also, this is definitely Henry’s fault. You hear that, Henry? You should have had quicker reflexes.”

“This is probably why he’s not a professional hockey player,” Roland reasoned. “Hey, but read his book though!”

“Plural. He’s got multiple books.”

“And they’re really good. Seriously, we’re not just saying that.”

“I mean, we’re kind of saying that, but also—“ Matt cut himself off when someone coughed, gritting his teeth and squeezing one eye shut. Roland failed spectacularly at at trying to turn his laugh into a cough. “For what it’s worth, I was six and trying to get some more power behind my shot.”

“Because he was trying to copy my wrister,” Roland said with wide eyes and some kind of judgment that also felt a little sarcastic and a little familial and no one was ever going to ask them to do these videos again. “Anyway, Matt’s shooting, Henry’s having slightly slower reflexes and—for some reason there are—“ He glanced at Matt, brows furrowed in an attempt to remember the moment better. “What were they?”

Matt nearly fell off his chair. “Oh, you’re old! You can’t even tell the story!”

“That’s not an answer, though.”

“Old, old, old, old, veteran!”

Roland huffed, but he couldn’t actually dispute it, had been in the league for nearly a decade at that point and he’d done more of these videos than Matt could count. He’d been way more excited about this one. “They might have been onion rings? Like pieces of onion rings?”

Matt shrugged. They hadn’t been onion rings. “God, you’re no help at all,” Roland hissed, another dramatic exhale when he turned back towards the camera. “Whatever. There was food on the ground. Matt didn’t see it, was inexplicably getting a running start on his wrister and slid across half the restaurant. He slammed right into a table, nearly shattered his ribs, terrified his parents and—“

“—Broke the table,” Matt finished, something akin to scoring a game seven goal in his smile when he turned towards Roland. Who couldn’t flip him off on camera. “Which I think is actually an answer to your question. I definitely have the better wrister.”

“Destroying restaurant equipment does not equal talent!’”

“Ok, but it wasn’t equipment. Make sure you bring that up when you watch this, ok, Red?”

Matt waved at the camera while Roland continued to make a series of increasingly disgruntled noises and he could only begin to imagine the ridiculous stories this video was going to spark. The SB Nation headline would probably be some kind of pun.

God, he hoped he didn’t end up on Deadspin.

He’d never hear the end of it from Mar and Chris.

There was another pointed cough offscreen, someone with an actual badge around their neck, which probably meant that they were slightly more important and Matt sat up a bit straighter on instinct. “You are going to hurt your throat if you keep making that noise,” he hissed, but Roland made the noise again and—

“Ok, but you guys have to actually use the whiteboards,” the, possible, league guy said. “That’s—those are the rules, you know?”

Roland nodded solemnly, already writing on his board. “Right, sure, no problem.”

“What are you writing?” Matt asked when the marker didn’t stop moving, but Roland was playing some kind of metaphorical defense, hunched over in his chair.

The league guy looked distraught. “Can you guys flip ‘em over? The camera needs to see it too.”

Matt saluted. “Me,” he said, nodding towards the ridiculously large letters on his whiteboard. “I have the better wrister. So says my stats from last year.”

“Ah, who looks at stats?” Roland asked. He flipped his board over and it took a second for Matt to realize what he’d written. They’d have to edit what he said out.

“Are you serious?”

Roland grinned. “Read it.”

“No.”

“Matt…”

“Absolutely not.”

“You know I’m right.”

“I do not!”

“Fine,” Roland laughed. “I’ll read it. It says, and this is a true fact, Matthew David Jones learned how to shoot a wrister by copying mine when I was in college and he was ten. It’s cheating.”

Matt threw his whole head back when he groaned, slumping in his chair until his knees threatened to collide with the table. “That’s not even remotely true.”

“Fair, it’s not just me. It’s Hook too.”

“God.”

“It’s easy to prove. Put a side-by-side comparison of Hook, me my freshman season, and rookie sensation Matthew Jones and you’ll see. It’s all exactly the same.”

Matt jerked his head to the side so quickly he nearly yelped in pain, but he was a professional and he was still having some fun and also absurdly competitive. It was probably genetic or something. “They all look the same, huh?”

“What?”

“I think that means you copied my dad.” Roland’s eyes bugged, smile falling off his face quickly. “Ahahaha,” Matt cried, “I’ve got you, don’t I? You cheated first!”

“You just agreed to cheating!”

Matt clicked his tongue, but that was also kind of true and he’d spent most of his childhood imitating his dad and Roland Locksley. It only made sense most of it stuck. And got him thirty goals the season before. “Is there another question?” he asked, turning back towards one of the cameras and the nearest screen flashed with brand-new words.

What are you two most competitive about when you’re off the ice?

The video went live two days after they filmed – leading the NHL site and there were, several, different “think pieces” about it, links that dinged into the group chat almost immediately. Matt’s throat hurt when he groaned.

Mar, 11:07 a.m.: Did you really suggest, on camera, in front of everyone in the world that you were the best air-hockey player in this family?

Mar, 11:07 a.m.: Like, that’s honestly a thing that happened.

Mar, 11:07 a.m.: In the real world.

Mar, 11:07 a.m.: Also, they weren’t onion rings, they were mozzarella sticks and Rol is old. 

Matt, 11:08 a.m.: You know, you can actually wait between text messages. It won’t kill you.

Mar, 11:09 a.m.: Lies.

Chris, 11:10 a.m.: And she does have a point. You were really bad last year.

Roland, 11:11 a.m.: SECONDED

Matt, 11:13 a.m.: Ok, you are just angry because you didn’t even get out of the first round and Mom had to tell you to stop throwing cookies in the basement.

Lizzie, 11:14 a.m.: Not your finest moment, really. Although the form was good.

Chris, 11:15 a.m.: Agh

Lizzie, 11:17 a.m.: middle finger emoji

Henry, 11:18 a.m.: Were you supposed to be hyping my book on air like that?

Matt, 11:19 a.m.: Nope.

Roland, 11:19 a.m.: Absolutely not.

Henry, 11:21 a.m.: Ah, well that’s nice. Stupid, but, you know, it’s the thought that counts or something.

Chris, 11:22 a.m.: I’m going to tell Grandma you said that.

Henry, 11:22 a.m.: L, how did you find that emoji?

Matt, 11:23 a.m.: Olddddddd man.

Mar, 11:23 a.m.: Olddddddd man.

Chris, 11:23 a.m.: Olddddddd man.

Leo, 11:25 a.m.: Whoa, Jones Line in surround sound. You guys practice that?

Matt, 11:26 a.m.: Nice of you to join us.

Leo, 11:28 a.m.: Some of us have early-morning batting practice—

Mar, 11:28 a.m.: Ohhhhhhh fancy

Leo, 11:30 a.m.: I am coming for your air hockey title, Pegs.

Mar, 11:31 a.m.: shaking boots gif

Chris, 11:32 a.m.: …..

Matt, 11:33 a.m.: What is that supposed to mean?

Roland, 11:35 a.m.: Maybe it’s code? Did we come up with a code and not remember it?

Henry, 11:36 a.m.: Nah, I would have written it down. Did Rubes say how many hits the video’s getting yet? It was a lot longer than I thought it’d be.

Matt, 11:38 a.m.: I guess we’re just that entertaining.

Henry, 11:39 a.m.: Yeah, keep telling yourselves that.

Mar, 11:39 a.m.: I AM GOING TO WRECK YOU ALL AT AIR HOCKEY THIS CHRISTMAS

Lizzie, 11:40 a.m.: Pegs, send that shaking in your boots gif again.

Chris, 11:40 a.m.: Ohhhhh that’s what it was.

Mar, 11:41 a.m.: Obviously. And you guys are all idiots if you think I’m relinquishing that easy. You suck.

Roland, 11:41 a.m.: The trash talk is legitimately scathing

He didn’t win the air hockey tournament that Christmas. But neither did Peggy – a Jones on Jones second-round matchup that left Matt in the finals and Lizzie on the other side of the table and she was much better at trash talk than he could ever hope to be.

She threw her hands up when she scored the final goal, getting several inches on her jump and there were shouts and cries, but she just leapt towards Roland, arms around her waist and feet still off the ground. And Roland grinned at Matt.

“You don’t get to claim this,” Matt said, but that was probably pointless and he was already past the twenty-goal mark that season.

And the seasons kept coming. Goals and a shooting technique that was more “borrowed” than stolen and, eventually, Matt had to do a preseason video by himself. It wasn’t as weird as he thought it’d be, just generic questions about his hopes for the season and how many points he was aiming for, straight-forward questions because he might have been the veteran and he was slumped in a different chair when the video went live, a ding of his phone and link sent in a message without any other recipients.

Roland, 12:32 p.m.: We figure it’s a little early, but the kid’s got to get tips from somewhere and you’re definitely the best hockey player he knows.

Matt’s fingers shook slightly when he pressed his thumb to the video, a clearly being held up by his mom Noah Locksley, the tiny hockey stick he and Claire had sent him a few months ago clutched in his hand. He couldn’t get much behind his shot, being a baby and all, but it was still pretty damn cute and Matt’s laugh soared out of him without explicit permission.

Matt, 12:34 p.m.: Good technique, keep the blade on the ice. The kid’s got a promising future ahead of him.

Roland, 12:34 p.m.: Yeah, we tend to think so. Score one later, ok?

Matt, 12:35 p.m.: Deal.

They taught Noah his first secret handshake when he could stand up on his own.

[wrenchyyyy]

Leaving

It’s time

It’s time for me to move on.  My depression has grown to be a bit stronger than expected...I feel like this site is dying and since i have no one to talk to this is the perfect place to go.  I will not be going back to tumblr .  Maybe ill check in a year on this post to see my progress but I doubt it.  Twitter and snapchat.  I’ll stay on those.   Social Media is toxic.

Anyway yes I have been depressed for the last 2-3 years and honestly I don’t think anyone but John, Ade, and Irene know.  It sucks because i will never kill myself but I honestly don’t want to live anymore.  I just feel like I have no purpose and that’s bad to say.  I know.

My depression is just something that just won’t go away.  It definitely got worse in like 2016-2017.  I saw somewhere this quote and it stuck with me for a long long long time.  

“You will always remember the people that were there for you during the lowest shittiest times of your life. Whether friends or family, whether they’re in your life today or not. You will always remember. “

This ^^^^^^^^^^^ times 8000000.  Family I keep saying it.  I envy anyone who has family members that they are really close with.  It’s so obvious in my family any way who the favorites are.  My sisters are clicky and so are my cousins.  They always have inside jokes all of which i can never relate to them.  My parents love my sisters and not gonna lie they love me to but they for sure favor my sisters.  I guess it’s cause they know I can handle shit thrown at me?   Who knows..  all i know is in my family I can’t openly express myself which is sad.  They def don’t know I’m depressed.  They probably think all I do is play videogames, watch sports, or work.  

Friends wise I can’t deny.  I have friends in all stages of my life.  GSA, QP, and MSU.�� But do I see them ?  no?  Do i connect with them on THAT level?  Sure.  Depending on the people.  In grammar school, I had John and Grace.  In Qp, I had Ade.  In college, I had Cassie.  THAT level.  I’m talking life, finances, careers, family, friends, relationship, religion, people, etc.  

I know for a long period in my college career, I drifted from Ade and Grace.  Trust me when I say this changed my outlook on life, it really did.  That’s when I knew the word depression was REAL.  John, who’s pretty much my best guy friend, was always there but the fact that he isn’t in NJ is hard.  We can’t just meet up and talk.  Any way during this drift, I got super close to Cassie at MSU.  Not going to lie, if it wasn’t for her, my college experience and my life wouldn’t be the same.   She indirectly in her own way helped me cope with losing Ade and Grace.

Any way in about 2016-2017, Cassie stopped talking to me.  This devastated me more than even I knew.  I had to talk to Ade about this.  If you know me, you know I value friendship more than relationships.  Maybe it’s cuz I truly feel like I have no family and that Cassie (at the time) was the closest thing i had to a real true friend that made me feel like I had reason to live to the fullest).  Like I said before I had THAT type of relationship with her.  The type where when we talk, I feel enlightened lmao.  Really.   The crazy part now.  I am at ease with Ade.  We both matured.  She in her own right is humble and now worked hard to get where she is.  I truly believe that she is genuine and honestly it makes me so happy to know she is doing ok.  It’s what I always wanted.  Any way back on point.

Cassie was one of my real true friends and she just stopped talking to me.  The talks on family, life, careers, everything.  gone.  The part that Ade told me which is true is that she owes me NO explanation.  I’m not entitled to know why she left.  I just have to accept it.  It’s true.  I’m stubborn and i kept triple double texting her and all that annoying shit.  I have to see it from her point of view.  She prob thought I was crazy lmfao.  but in reality I guess i just was scared that the one person who made me feel happy and genuine was gone.  Any way it took awhile to accept that she really wasn’t my friend anymore.  Obviously the only way I know how she’s doing now is social media.  I mean she looks super happy with her bf and it makes me happy because i know she was struggling at a time too.  Any way I told Ade I was grateful for everything she has done for me and honestly I wish I can tell Cassie that too but I aint going to quadruple text and message her like 6000 times lmao.  The crazy part again is that this girl wasn’t my girlfriend.  She wasnt even my best friend tbh.  She was a really good and important friend that I needed and appreciated in a hard time in my life.   Thank you Cassie.  I truly wish you were still in my life but I need to respect myself enough to say this girl doesnt owe you an explanation on shit and she doesnt.   Also that she was a great friend to you.  

A huge part of my depression journey, was trying to “Forget” Cassie and i get it.  Move on Chris.  The girl doesn’t even give a ratt’s ass about you anymore.  One of her close friends Krenzy even noticed that i was “depressed”  which is crazy.  I don’t even talk to that girl.  I guess in a sense I did get closer to Irene and reconnected with Ade so there’s the only positive that came out of it.  Irene i will forever be grateful for.  This girl showed me everything and I am so glad I worked so that I can go to Cali to see her.  It really helped me mentally with that trip.   Ade is ade.  She’s a good person.  She even told me she didn’t mean to be the way she was in college and I respect her for that.  

I guess it’s crazy how it works.  Ade helped me get through Grace.  Cassie helped me get through Ade.  Ade and Irene helped me get through Cassie.  lmao .  In a sense, Ade really is a true friend and we aren’t even that close anymore.   Irene is well Irene.  I fucking love that girl.  

The next hard part was losing Jackie and Rich.  They moved away and it hurt me alot.  Another group of friends I met at MSU that I truly connected with.  It sucks...No one can talk to me about deep stuff.  Again looking back, I just felt alone.  Sad.  and just depressed.  I actually resorted to working more to forget and just cope with my pain.  It did not work.  I actually quit my job like 2 weeks ago haha but that’s another story.  

I always try to tell myself.  What do people see you as?  What do they see you doing?  Honestly people probably think when they look at my social media, Dolphins/Mets rants, Snapchat of stupid shit, he travels alot (Even tho i really don’t), and i dont know if that’s a good or bad thing.  

2018 was a good year. I can’t deny it.  I did alot of things I never thought I can do.  22/30 Baseball parks,  maxing out my 401 K, starting grad school, get a steady gym schedule going, learn to be on own.  Like financially, mentally, and like just a routine wise.  In 2019, I want to find purpose again.  I really do.  I keep thinking at least there are people who want to see me.  Like Irene and Ade.  Like my GSA friend.  Like Kim and Jan and nick.  like I do have friends.  I just wish i didnt feel so sad and alone.

For anyone who has felt so lost alone and depressed like me, it’s okay.  You will survive.  That void hurts.  I get it.  As someone who still is surrounded by so many people I feel so alone and sad.  Trust me, if I ever texted you, Hey lets hang out or catch up.  I genuinely mean it and i prob needed it.  but if you don’t respond or answer.  I get it.   It took me 2-3 years to fully accept that I can’t be friends with everyone.  My heart has been broken to the point where honestly the people left are the ones helping me pick up those pieces.  Any way.  

Farewell to anyone reading this.  If any one reads this.

[depthisforever]

Nothing Can Go Wrong (A Legally Blonde AU) 5

Description:  Phil gets his heart broken by his boyfriend.  In an effort to get him back, Phil gets into Harvard Law but on the way, he meets an interesting third-year law student.

Rating: T 

Some bad words in this one. So be warned (I think it still marks a T rating though)

Remember to start from the beginning by clicking here –> Masterpost

Phil walked quickly across quad towards the benches so that he could meet Ethan.  He could not believe that someone that he didn’t even know could be so utterly rude to him.  Cursing Charles under his breath, he did not notice that he was being overheard.  

“Er...sorry to interrupt your...little rant there but are you alright?”  A polite-sounding voice from the bench off to Phil’s left questioned.

Phil sighed heavily without turning around.  “Yeah,” he sulked. “Do they just put you on the spot like that like all of the time?” He huffed suddenly.

“The professors? Oh, dear. Yeah, they tend to do that.  Socratic method.”  The voice answered apologetically.  Phil was reminded vaguely of Winnie the Pooh.

“So if you don’t know the answer, they’re just gonna kick you out?” Phil scoffed.

“Ah,  so you have Stromwell.”

“Yes!” Phil exclaimed, finally turning around.  He came face to face with a gorgeous man with brown hair and dark eyes.  “Did she do that to you too?”

“No.” The brown-eyed stranger replied.”But she did make me cry once”

“Not in class, I waited until I got back to my room,” the man added quickly. “But yeah, she’ll really kick you when you’re down. She’s tough, really tough.”

“Great.” Phil sighed sarcastically and turned back around.

“Don’t worry though: It gets better. Who else do you have?”  Phil reasoned that the stranger genuinely seemed to want to cheer him up so he turned back around.

“I have Callahan, Rosenberg and Levinthal.” Phil replied dully, fearing more bad news.

The stranger looked thoughtful for a second and then advised: “Speak up in Callahan’s class; he likes people who are opinionated.” 

Phil nodded and said “Ok,” hoping the stranger would continue giving him advice so that he could make better first impressions in his other classes.

“Try and get a seat in the back in Rosenberg’s class - he tends to spit when he talks.”  The stranger pulled a disgusted face and Phil smiled.  “And for Levinthal, make sure you read the footnotes!  That’s where he gets most of his exam from.”

“Right” Phil said with a small smile.  He was feeling a touch better as he was armed with this new information about his classes.  The stranger smiled back and Phil noted that a dimple appeared on his left cheek. It was rather cute.

 “Wow, I’m really glad I met you!” said Phil happily. “Are you a third-year?” 

“Well, I’m a...” the stranger started to reply when the two were interrupted.

“Hey, Phil.”

They looked up and saw Ethan in front of the benches.

Phil’s face brightened “Hi!” Phil returned to the stranger. “Thanks for all your help,” he said with finality.

The stranger’s smile (and dimple) had disappeared and his mouth was set in a straight line.  “Good luck!” He replied.

Phil got up off the bench and stood in front of Ethan.

“Hi Ethan!”

“Hi...” Ethan started awkwardly. “So...” He chuckled, clearly uncomfortable. “How was your first class?”

“Oh, it was good.” Phil lied. “Well, except for this horribly preppy guy that tried to make me look bad in front of the professor.”  Phil pouted but quickly smiled. “But no biggie, you’re here now.  How was your summer?” 

“Good, it was good.” He said in a would-be casual tone.

“Did you do anything exciting?” 

Phil was determined to keep the conversation light and happy.  He was supposed to be a serious law student.  He was going to prove to Ethan that he deserved Ethan’s love.

That was until a hand with a shiny platinum band rested on Ethan’ shoulder.  Phil looked up and was horrified to see the rude man from his first class!

“He-ey.” Ethan greeted Charles.  Charles did not look pleased in the slightest.  Ethan turned to Phil, “Have you met Charlie, um I mean, Charles?”

The man looked down his nose at Phil.  “Oh, hi. Charles Kensington.”  He said in an offhand way; his attention still very much on Ethan.

Phil felt like he could not believe what his eyes were seeing. “Do you...know him?” He addressed Ethan.

“He’s...”Ethan started.

“His fiance.”  Charles finished, once again making sure the platinum engagement band was gleaming in the sunlight.  Phil’s heart dropped all the way down to the pit of his stomach; he felt ill.

“I’m sorry - I think I just hallucinated.” Phil gave his head a shake as if trying to physically clear the rushing of thoughts that seemed intent on making itself known.

“Well, he was my boyfriend in prep school.” Ethan explained. “And we got back together this summer when his family was invited to my grandmother’s birthday party.” 

“Ethan’s told me all about you.” He said snidely. “You’re famous at our club.”

Ethan’s smile had taken on a fake, plastic quality; his eyes betrayed him showing that he desperately wished to be anywhere else than having this conversation.

“But he didn’t tell me you’d be here.” Charles finished with an attitude.

“Pooh Bear,” Ethan said pointedly. “I didn’t know he would be here.”

The sound of the old nickname sent Phil careening into the dark place that he had been all summer after Ethan had first broken up with him.  Phil knew he had to get out of there as soon as possible.

“Excuse me,” Phil said politely, desperately trying to maintain composure as he willed himself not to bolt into a run.

Only one place could fix this; he just needed to find one.

Phil was failing miserably to hold back tears as he pushed open the door of the shop.  The little bell tinkled happily.  Phil hated it. His purple blazer was draped over his arm; it was Gucci and it was probably wrinkling but he didn’t care.

He deposited his blazer and briefcase into an empty chair and sat at the first available seat.  He put his hands up on the table where a man, a little older than him with chestnut hair, was reading a magazine and eating a donut.  Even with tear-stained cheeks, Phil tried to act like he wasn’t in the throes of a complete  breakdown. 

“Are you free?” Phil sniffled, in a higher than normal tone. “It’s an emergency.” 

The man looked pityingly at him and remarked “Bad day?”

“You can’t even imagine.” Phil replied, tears still silently running down his cheeks. 

The man put his donut down.  “Spill.” 

All of the emotions that Phil had been suppressing all day suddenly burst forth with a whimper. His manicurist, Chris was the name on the name tag, listened as he began to work on Phil’s nails.

“I worked so hard to get into law school,” Phil sobbed, completely abandoning any and all propriety. “I blew off Greek Week to study for the LSATs.  I spent all my time directing my admissions video instead of filming videos for my YouTube channel.  All to get my boyfriend Ethan back and now he’s engaged to this horrible guy Charles so it was all for nothing, and I just wish...”Phil was speaking so quickly he needed to gulp to take in some air. “I just wish I had never come to Harvard.” Phil sobbed harder, unraveling completely.

Chris clucked his tongue and shook his head. “After you went through all that trouble...” He said softly.

“He’s engaged!” Phil nearly shouted. “Charles got the grandmother’s ring that I should have gotten!”

Chris looked down and shook his head more, empathizing with the broken man sitting in front of him.

Phil took a few seconds to breathe. “What am I supposed to do?” he said in a small and brittle voice.

Chris looked at Phil sadly. “You’re asking the wrong guy.  I’m with my guy eight years and then one day, its ‘I’ve met someone. Move out!”

Phil stared wide-eyed at Chris. “Oh, no. That’s awful.” He said.

“Travis kept the trailer and my precious baby, Becca.” He showed Phil a picture of an adorable bulldog.  “I didn’t even get to throw her a birthday party.”

“No!” Phil was appalled. He had always been a big lover of animals.  He frequently made silly animal noises in his Youtube videos to entertain his viewers and although Lion wasn’t actually a real pet, he did feel very much real to Phil.

“What can I do?” Chris said sadly.  “He followed his pecker to greener pastures and I’m high school dropout that in no way conforms to gay standards of beauty.”

“That’s terrible.” Phil concluded miserably.

Chris sighed and changed the subject. “So what’s Charles got that you don’t? Two cocks?

“He’s from Connecticut. He belongs to Ethan’s stupid country club.”  Phil replied.

“Is he as pretty as you?” 

Phil half smiled before seriously considering. “He could do with a new hairstyle and a serious  makeover but he’s not completely unfortunate-looking.”

The shop bell tinkled alerting the entry of someone new. A gorgeous postal delivery man with curly brown hair and a thin frame came into view.  His green eyes sparkled as he handed the post to the receptionist. He nodded to Chris in greeting. Chris’s hands shook and he upended the bottle of lotion he was going to use on Phil’s hands.  The viscous mixture poured steadily out of the bottle but Chris could not remove his eyes from the postal worker.  Phil quietly set the bottle upright. Chris gave the postal man a tight smile as he walked out. Chris exhaled the breath he had apparently been holding.

“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! He can’t just look at me like that...with his face...and his eyes!” Chris exlaimed.

“It’s okay,” Phil said helping Chris clean up the offending lotion from two-thirds of the work station.

“Are you sure this Ethan guy’s the one?” Chris uttered lowly as he concentrated on continuing to mop up the mess with a rag.

“Definitely.” Phil said quickly. “I love him!”

“If a guy like you can’t hold onto a man then there sure as hell isn’t any hope for the rest of us. Well then, what’re you waiting for? Steal the bastard back!”

Phil smiled brightly as he felt a sharp stab of inspiration.

As soon as he returned to his dorm, Phil immediately began mapping out and scripting a Youtube video.  He hadn’t done a proper video since the breakup.  He fished Lion out of a bedside table.

“I’m so sorry, Lion.” He murmured as if the small toy lion was sentient. “It wasn’t you. I just...couldn’t.” He finished lamely.”But I’m back now!”

He looked over the script.  His video titled “5 Things I Learned at my First Day at Harvard.”  It seemed catchy; people would want to learn something interesting from him, right? He read over his loosely constructed script:

1. Get to know your campus’s vibe prior to coming

2. Make sure you triple check that you’ve done all the assignments before your first class

His eyes paused on number three.

3. Try to find an older student to give you advice about your professors.  A friendly face can do wonders!

He smiled.  Phil did learn a lot on his first day and he was determined to best Charles and show Ethan the Phil was the man of his dreams. He buckled down to film because he needed time to edit and time to make up Stromwell’s assignments.

Next chapter

A/N:  Yes, Chris Kendall is Paulette in this here AU.  I miss him.  I kind of imagined him using the Becca the Crazy Fangirl voice while I was writing this part and it makes it ten times better. Here’s the link in case anyone wants to view it. It is comedy gold: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14Ow2MG8N1s 

[glitterrhowell]

Apples Are My Favorite Kind Of Kisses

Title: Apples Are My Favorite Kind Of Kisses

Series: Spooky week 2018

Pairing:  Daniel Howell & AmazingPhil (Phan

Word count: 2.5k

Warning/Genre: fluff, cute, adorable, getting together, strangers to lovers, kiss, first kiss, high school AU, sweet, fluff fluff fluff, oneshot, drinking, Halloween, Halloween party

Summary: Dan Howell isn't much one for parties but he finds himself very grateful for Louise his overbearing best friend for dragging him to a certain Halloween party.

Read on Ao3

Read on Wattpad

This is part of a collection of eight stories I have written over the last few months for Autumn/Halloween. I am titling this series spooky week and will continue to update every day up until Halloween day!

A huge thank you to my other half Christy (Fadingcrystalvoid) for being with me since the start of the series listing to me rant and proofreading for me. Also for last minute betaing all these stories for me!

Dan fidgeted with his hair as he looked himself over in the mirror, his costume was pretty simple, a bear onesie and he had colored his nose in and drew dots on his cheeks. Dan had never been one for Halloween parties, hell he never went to normal parties either but his best friend Louise was dragging him to one this year.

~~~~~~

“But Dan you have to come. We hardly ever hang out anymore and I really want to go,” Louise whined.

He rolled his eyes, electing not to mention the reason they hadn’t been hanging out recently had been her newest boyfriend Evan. It wasn’t Dan’s fault he took up almost all her time.

“I don’t know Lou, you know I’m never the best at parties. Besides I have an English assignment due the next day.”

She huffed, “But Daaaan you can work on your assignment sometime this week and get it done then you can go.” She looked at him with pleading eyes. She huffed as she tried one more time, “Come on; I’ll even let you wear whatever you want. Even if it clashes with my fairy costume.”

“Fiiiiine, but I’m not being the designated driver.”  he sighed. He knows better than to argue with Louise because she always ended up getting her way regardless.

“Yay!” she squealed pulling him into a hug. “Don’t worry Emma has a maths test the next day she already said she’d drive all us home!”

Dan rolled his eyes “Of course she would already have it all planned out.”

~~~~~~

“Dan, Louise is here,” his mum yelled up the stairs.

“Be there in a minute,” he hollered back down.

He took one last quick look in the mirror, almost opting to wipe the black makeup off his face worrying it made him look childish. Screw it, he decided, he was already going out of his comfort zone going to a party so why not go a little further.

Louise was wearing a crop top with a cute pink tutu and pink fairy wings. She also had her face all done up in bright pink sparkly makeup. She looked really good but when didn’t she look good?

“You look great Lou,” he said pulling her into a hug.

She laughed, “Thanks, hun. But is that really what your wearing.”

He looked down at his costume, “What you don’t like it?” he asked. “I mean you did say I could wear whatever I wanted,” he reminded her.

“I know I know. I like it. It actually really suits you makes you look sweet.”

He rolled his eyes, “Cute or sweet wasn’t really what I was going for. Rawr!” He held his hands up in the air and attempted to look voracious and scary.

She just laughed and tugged at his hand. “Come on, let’s get going!”

They rode to the party with a couple of Louise's other friends and luckily they had been able to find parking close to the party. He really didn’t want to have to walk in the cold, drunk off his ass, to make back to the car at the end of the night.

The party was in full swing when they arrived and almost instantly they were swarmed with people offering them drinks. He took one of the cups offered and chugged it down. If he was going be forced to be here then he was going to at least get buzzed.

As the party went on he continued to down drinks. He had drunk enough to feel the effects of the alcohol but not enough to be considered drunk. Louise had abandoned him not long after they arrived. She ended up on the dance floor drunk and messily dancing with Evan. He knows she doesn't mean to ditch him, she was an extrovert and he was very much an introvert, it must be hard being friends with him sometimes. He sighed as he watched her dance, she really did look like she was having a good time.

After watching people dance for a while he decided to walk around a little bit. Liquid sloshed around in his cup as he tried to avoid bumping into anyone. If it wasn’t people snogging, it was people grinding against each other on the dance floor. They were literally people everywhere. But while he had succeeded in not bumping into any people he did manage to hit his knee on a hard plastic tombstone that was sitting in the corner of the room. He cursed and bent down to rub he knee. He straightened himself back up and nearly headbutted someone in the process.

“Hey watch what you're doing!”

“Sorry,” he squeaked. But the guy had already turned back around and started talking to his date again.

He squeezed by a couple snogging between the sofa and the wall and continued to walk. As he made his way back to the alcohol table his eye caught boy he had never seen before. The boy wasn't dressed like everyone else at the party; in fact, he was dressed pretty similar to himself. As everyone else was wearing something that you could have picked up at an adult shop. The boy was wearing a simple purple checkered hoodie a pair of cat ears sat atop his raven black hair that was styled into a fringe much like his own. And to top his outfit off he had drawn cat whiskers on his face.

The boy was talking to a group of kids from his school. But Dan had never seen him at school before so he assumed that this mysteries boy must be new. He didn't realize he had been staring until a giggling Louise slurred in his ear, “Why are your staring at Phil?”

He jumped, clearing not expecting her, “Who? What do you mean?” he stammered.

Louise giggled again, “The boy you're staring over there, his name is Phil,” she said pointing to the boy.

“I wasn’t staring,” he said defensively.

Louise just laughed and grabbed his arm pulling him across the lounge weaving in and out of people dancing and talking, or full-on grinding against each other.

“Hey what are you doing?” he protested.

“I’m going to introduce you,” she said insistently.

“Louise, wait no.”

But it was already too late she was shoving her way throw the last of the crowd to where Phil was.

“Hi, Phil! You remember me, Chris introduced us a little bit ago.”

The boy looked confused for a moment before he must have recognized her.

“Oh yeah, it’s Louise right?”

She giggled and nodded her head.

“Phil this is my very best friend Dan. Dan this is Phil. Phil Lester. He is new and will be starting school on Monday.”

She shoved Dan closer to Phil, he tried to protest but she had already turned her back and walked off. Phil looked at him and smiled.

It was Phil who first broke the awkward silence, “So it’s Dan huh,” he stated more than asked.

Dan was terrified, here he was stood in front of the most beautiful boy he had ever seen and he was acting like such an antisocial loser.

“Uhh yeah,” he said trying to rack his brain quickly for something else to say.

But once again it was Phil who spoke, “If I would have known this shithole of a town had such pretty boys I might have moved here sooner,” he said cheekily.

This boy was definitely more confident than he had been a few minutes ago.

Dan blushed, “Yo-you think I’m pr-pretty?” he stuttered.

Phil smirked, “I do princess.”

Dan didn’t think it was possible to blush any harder than he already was but his veins seemed determined to prove him wrong. Normally he would be offended by the name “Princess” but for some reason when the word was coming from the mouth of Phil. he didn’t mind. In fact, as much as he hated to admit it, he might actually like it.

They really hit it off and they ended up talking for over an hour. He learned that Phil’s dad had recently gotten a new job which is why they had moved. He also learned him and Phil shared a love for video games and a lot of the same music, not to mention films. When talking to Phil, it didn’t feel like he was talking to a stranger he just met an hour ago it felt like they had known each other all their lives.

They seemed to naturally click with each other and that scared him a little bit because he had only known this boy for a little over an hour and he was already starting to fall in love with him. Or, least that what it felt like to him. He had never been properly in love before but this definitely felt like love to him.

Their conversation was soon interrupted though when the music stopped and Hazel, the party hostess, shouted, “Who’s ready to bob for some apples?”

Several people cheered and a few groaned angrily because their make-out session had been interrupted.  

“Come on let’s go!” Phil turned to him.

He was about to protest but he could see how excited Phil was he wanted nothing more than to please this boy so he nodded his head in agreement. Phil grin grew wider and pulled him over to the crowd that was forming.

Phil pushed his way through the crowd to the front pulling Dan along with him. And now that he was closer he could see a big metal pot just big enough for two people to stick their heads in.

He blushed and turned his head when Hazel bent over the pot and starting pouring the apples in. Her dress was revealing a little too much and if she hadn’t been drinking so much she surely would be embarrassed.

Once she was done she yelled “OK, who’s wants to go first?”

There were some cheers and glasses raised in the air but before any of them could step forward Phil pulled him up to the bucket. “We’ll go first,” he said smiling at her.

“Ok great!” She beamed.

“But both of you have to take a shot before you do.” she giggled.

A shot was thrust into his hand. He was already pretty tipsy he probably shouldn’t drink anymore but he couldn't resist as he watched Phil down his. So he poured the liquid down his throat, humming lightly to ease the burn on the way down.

Hazel took another shot, “Ok hands behind your back and you start on the count of three! Ok?”

“Yeah,” they said in unison as they both put their hands behind their backs.

“Ok, here we go!”

“One..”

“Two..”

“Three!” Hazel screamed.

He was a little late in diving into the pot as he was starting to feel the effects of the drinks he had early and the shot he had just taken. Phil had his head in the water by the time he submerged his under.

It was harder to get ahold of the apple then he thought it would be. He had to bring his head up several times for air before diving back in. Apparently, Phil was having as much trouble as him as he still hadn’t succeeded in obtaining his apple yet either.

The fifth time he dunked his head his teeth caught on the skin of an apple. He bit down hard but he lost in the process. He pulled his head up again took a big deep breath and went back in. This time he succeeded in catching the apple between his teeth. He pulled his head up out of the water with the apple still in his mouth.

There were cheers and screams and Hazel gave him a pat on the back. He blinked the water out of his eyes grinning at his success. Phil huffed as he saw Dan had succeeded before him.

Dan let out a muffled laugh from around the apple as he noticed Phil’s whiskers were now running down his face.

Phil glared at him. But the glare quickly turned into a smirk and winked at him. He leaned over the pot and attached his teeth into the other side of the apple and took it from him.

“Hey that was mine!” he protested.

Phil grinned at him as he pulled the apple from his mouth to only bring it back up to take a bite from it, “Well I guess it’s mine now.”

Dan glared at him but before he could say anything else Phil leaned over the pot and had his lips on his. He yelped in surprise and he froze for a moment.

Phil moved his lips against his. It was sweet and gentle and he soon found himself melting into his touch. He tasted of the alcohol and apples he’d just had in his mouth. He tasted absolutely heavenly -even with the mild left-over burn of alcohol he felt off Phil’s tongue- and like nothing else, he had ever tasted before.

There were cheers and wolf whistles from everyone around them. But Dan barley heard any of it all he could focus on was Phil. His brain was short circuiting and his heart was beating so fast he thought it might explode. He savored every single moment of it but soon Phil pulled his lips from his with a smug grin plastered on his face.

He grinned and handed Dan his apple back, “Here you did say this was yours didn’t you?”

“Uh.. uh.. Yeah,” Dan breathed out, still flustered from the kiss as his cheeks dusted a light pink.

Phil chuckled, bent over and gave him a kiss on the cheek, “See you tomorrow Dan,” he said as he cheekily walked off. His face burned in both excitement and embarrassment.

He watched Phil walk back into the crowd and disappear. He felt a slap on the shoulder and turned around and saw Louise grinning at him.

“Did I forget to mention earlier that Phil had been staring at you all night too?” she giggled.

He smiled as he pulled her into a hug.

“What was that for?” she teased.

“I’m just happy you dragged me to this fucking party.”

She grinned and took his hand, “Come on let’s go we need to pick you out the perfect outfit for tomorrow.”

He smiled the whole way home he couldn't wait until tomorrow.

[poppymadness]

💖 HQ, Knb, All Out, Free, BNHAand DnA I think you watched at least a little bit of it, didn't u? And since I know who some of your favorites are already u can just rant about why u love them

@naturalpeaches said:💖 can i be an ass and say twdg even tho ik the answers p much OH the last kingdom. bring it to ur blog amber. talk about it. accept it.

💖 listen those 2 weren’t enough. give me the raven cycle. give me the foxhole court. give me six of crows. giVE ME CRIMINAL MINDS HAAAAA BITCH. why not throw the 100 in there too. also talk abt ur boo in the sun is also a star. give him some lovin

💖 N A R U T O

hope it’s cool just to throw ya both in here bc i’m lazy

haikyuu: (3) kuroo tetsurou - iiiiiiiiiiii fucking love kuroo sO much, a huge tall not so dumb dumbass god. i don’t know what to say dfkhka i fuckin Love him thanks dude. i nEVER FORGET THE FUCKIN LAUGH GOD FUCK FOR FUCKS SAKE skjfd. whenever i get in Kuroo Moods they last SO long i can’t get a break. and gamer au kuroo is killer it’s too good. listen he’S A BIG FOOL and i LOVE him want the best for him bc he’s great, good, good dude. i also rlly fuckin love terushima man ooooo my god, imagine him and kuroo bein buds hORRIBLE

kuroko no basket: (1) kiyoshi teppei - mY BOY KIYOSHI AAAAA. hE’S EVEN T A L L E R mmmm 6′4″ the fuck mann. we know my love for this dumbass i love him so so muuch fuck. thought it was kuroko at first, bitch no. I LITERALLY DIDN’T KNOW I LOVED HIM TILL AFTER I FINISHED THE WHOLE SHOW. like, just, the more i saw stuff involving him the more i was like ooo no no waiT i LoVE HiM i screamed when he showed up in the second opening when we rewatched it oooommggggg. he’S SO GOOD I HOPE HIS KNEE IS HEALED I HOPE HE GETS TO PLAY BASKETBALL AS A LIL SIDE HOBBY OR SOMETHIN HOPE HE’S FUCKIN HAPPY!!!!! whY DOES HE SELF-SACRIFICE SO MUCH BOY OOO MY GOD WHEN HE REALIZED THE TEAM GOT HIS BACK TOO BITCH HE SO CUTE. mmmmm  i love hiiiiim bois. also love akashi i keep finding it funny ur intimated by him cj

all out: (4) ebumi masaru - i can’t. i can’t explain why i love him oR WHY HE’S SO HIGH A FAVE GOD. this whole fandom is like Those Thighs and make ebumi all about fuckin sex like what a Tough Boy like yA HE BUYS (rents? whatever) PORN THAT’S FUCKIN SO FUNNY TO ME BUT MMMM he. more. i nevER STOP THINKIN BOUT THE EP WITH ISE THAT EMO SHIT DO U SEE HOW MUCH EBUMI CARES BOUT HIS FRIEND GOD Fuck. like yeah, just take the money. this is what was left for me but idc here take it u need it i stg season 2 better be in the works i want more of his backSTORY. oh hE FUCKIN BLEACHES HIS HAIR WHAT A PUUUUNK, HE TRAINS SO HARD HE CARES SO MUCH ABOUT RUGBY GETS P I S S E D WHEN PPL HALF-ASS IT LIKE?? FAIR ENOUGH. OH THETY ACTUALLY DREW HIS HAIR DOWN RIGHT ADJHF A OoO FUCK TAHT. i’m good it’s cool alright bye gion, raita & ise are my best friends thank

free: rin matsuoka - i. thought it was nagisa at first. i wanna cry fuckin nagisa jesus. good boy but hell no. rin?? is so sweet i’m sorry fuckin flew haru to australia & shit he’s so good i love him. i gotta do this i’m srry FUCK whoever thinks rin would be abusive with haru thx. i havE A RIN POSTER G O D

boku no hero academia: todoroki shouto - i literally didn’t have a fave in this show until one (1) specific episode in season 2 with him. thought i was gonna live forever not having a fave in this show. i had actually been growing to like him and was like No, i told myself to not like him bc he’s so popular hdkfa. and then that ep came and i was like,,,oof i Love him, love love love what a goOD BOY. he’s…so cute..comin to terms with his powers still can’t get over he interned with his dad he just…..wants to improve…is improving…..so good.

daiya no ace: ? - ok, i never developed a fave while watching it, at least not where i got to. i don’t even remember where i stopped oof that’s bad. but i had thought at that time that i rlly loved chris?? eijun is precious, i fuckin love him. miyuki is great i love him too. also really loved kuramochi?? so if i had continued i think it would’ve been one of em.

the walking dead game: kenny, luke, clem, gabe - pls don’t make me choose… kenny…tried his hardest to be good, worked his ass off till the last moment to improve himself and didn’t get the redemption he deserved. that man is good, he was just pushed to his max and couldn’t get back down. luke, luke is a sunshine boy who was too good for the world, a positive outlet could make anyone happy, did his best, didn’t deserve to die. cleM MY BADASS B A B Y HAS GROWN SO MUCH I LOOOOVE HER AND CAN’T WAIT FOR HER HAPPY ENDING TELLTALE YOU FUCKS I AM BEGGING YOU1!! gabe…annoyed me at first…stole my heart….just a boy thrown into the apocalypse tryin to be happy…he’s doing his best, he’s learning, truly not such a brat as assholes make him out to be. nick my boy i’m so sorry i would’ve included you ur so close

the last kingdom: uhtred & alfred - i love uhtred the godless and king alfred of wessex very much indeed. uhtred is just a wreck honestly, this danish bro got a lot goin on he just wants the land he deserves i just say he’s bein greedy, go be happy under alfred’s rule i still love u tho uhtred u dumbass. alfred! got the peace he wanted! i love alfred so much he wants to be a king without war unless he’s not given the choice, cares about his family so much, afraid he’ll be punished for the crown that’s not rightfully his own. alfred is so good, i love this man.

the raven cycle: (5) adam parrish - mmmmmmm what a good boy. an important boy, a very much loved boy. iiiii hate havin his pov sometimes, some relatable things in there, i love him so much. he’s not. his father. thanks. gotta say that a lot wanT HIM TO KNOOOOOOOW. he’s so good he’s improving himself he’s doin it!! go adam!! goD ASHLETY I KEEP THINKING OF THINGS YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN TOOOOOOOO. mmmm it’s ok to still be stuck and to have bad days he doesn’t have to get over it right away!! it’s not somethin that’ll just be over!! dhfad smALL STEPS my boy i love u…. all bc, he…legally free (tryin not to spoil dfhjdaf).. don’t mean he has to be over it…take ur time adam. i’m thinkin of the emo thing in trk fuck wrong devil dkhfad. i just wanna cry he’s so good worth so much ronan & i will fight any and all fucks who wanna Go. i!! love him!! he deserVES TO FEEL LOVED AND TO FEEL HOW TO LOVE MMMM COOL i’m gonna stop i’ll just repeat myself - i just thOUGHT OF THE ‘FUCK YOU GANSEY’ WOW FIRST BOOK FUCK B YE

the foxhole court: …andrew minyard… - idk man?? it’s so lowkey?? it’s chill i literally don’t even have anything to say. nicky, neil & dan are my squad love em.

six of crows: jesper fahey - idk what fuckin bitch ass mood i had to be in when i read soc but if i wasn’t in it jesper would totally have been my fave. i wouldn’t take him away from wylan anyways (statement kiiinda counts for the two aforementioned also whoop). jesper?? deserves the world, but so does everyone else they all deserve the world even u bitch ass brekker who would not deal with my bullshit ever. 

criminal minds: aaron hotchner - god ashley screw off askin me for cm. love hotch, would die for him, too good of a guy.

the 100: bellamy blake - is a fuckin whore. iiiiiii love bellamy so much. bitch ass goes from a punk i hated to a good dude to a punk ass influenced by some huge ass prick dick and then struggles with himself for the next season and will now hopefully feel a bit better at least for gods sake. all bc you’ve done bad things doesn’t mean ur bad bell… i still never get over fucking pike taking advantage of him when he was vulnerable fuck off i just want him to feel better!! take responsibility but don’t let it push you down fucking get up!! you’ll get up!! mmm he’s so good he just wants to make everything right but clarke makes everyTHING FUCKIN GO WRONG. i just…not everything is excusable but he can make up for it he will and he’s worth it,,,, people gotta forgive him at some point he’s trying his hardest to make up for everything and he keeps beating himself on it mmmmdfahdf i love him

the sun is also a star: daniel jae ho bae - idk what to say about him ashley god fuck. he’s so cute though?? what a cheesy dude. ugh literally so cute i gotta reread it

naruto: kiba inuzuka - what a prideful ass i fuckIN LOVe him thx. i mean i was fuckin doomed from that start he has best boy akamaru & fuckin has a jutsu where he turns into a wolf?? and his fuckin mom and sister have wolves?? doomed before i even fuckin knew it. he’s soooo cute, never take his fuckin hoodie off idk what’s cuter him trying to look tough in that hoodie that everyone literally thought was hair or havin the hoodie off and showin his actual hair that somehow makes him cuter,,, what’S HORRIBLE IS THE LEATHER JACKET OR WHATEVER IT IS HE WEARS IN SHIPPUDEN fuckin idiot. imagine him as hokage i can’t believe he wants to be hokage it’s so funny i’m sorry kiba i’ll support u just give me a minute to catch my breath. guys he’s just so cute, trains so hard, he’s so good i love him enthusiastic boy

[hedgehog-goulash7]

OK - this is the piece I wrote in refutation of this now-notorious (because of its many, almost hilarious inaccuracies) article on Screen Rant: “15 Reasons the MCU Should Retire Iron Man”

This is:

A Rebuttal to ‘15 Reasons The MCU Should Retire Iron Man” -- or, Iron Man Should Retire Only If and When RDJ Wants Him To

By Hedgehog-Goulash7 

I will preface this by saying: I know all good and great things must someday come to an end. We’ve all been blessed now by almost a decade of RDJ in the armor as Tony Stark, and with all the other opportunities in movies, TV and elsewhere calling to him, we can’t expect one of America’s finest actors to stay an active player in the Marvel Cinematic Universe forever.

As Chris Evans -- another MCU player who’s potentially on the cusp of change -- said recently, and more poetically than I ever could, “The passing of time and the passing of torches is part of the experience. Nothing lasts forever. There’s a beauty in that departure, even if it can be sad at times. It’s also joyful.” 

But there’s that type of graceful nod to what may and will come, later if not sooner -- and then there’s a completely other type of thing: a pseudo-expert on a movie news site willfully CALLING for a character’s end, and using dubious and easily refuted pseudo-”facts” to back his points up. That’s about when I feel the need to respond. So let’s go. 

(Continued under the cut.  This is LONG, but it needed to be, to answer a lot of his badly construed points.  Your comments are always very welcome -- and I’m sure I missed a lot of things, but had I included everything this would have been 6,000 words long!  As I mentioned before, I actually sent this to Screen Rant; they thanked me, turned it down because they don’t accept “guest posts,” but liked it enough to consider me for a staff writer position -- about which we shall see...  - Hedge)

I was puzzled and disappointed to read Evan Killham’s “15 Reasons the MCU Should Retire Iron Man.” At first I thought it had to be satire, but then realized that wasn’t the case. And then as I plowed through, I realized that Evan misstated and downright confused so many elements in the MCU’s Tony Stark story that in some cases I wasn’t quite sure what he was talking about.

As a Marvel fan – particularly of Tony Stark/Iron Man – for many years, and continuing to enjoy Iron Man as my favorite character in the MCU, I disagree wholeheartedly with Evan’s article, which seemed a rather mean-spirited attack piece on a beloved character. So please, allow me to rebut point by point and show you the OTHER side, from a much more optimistic Iron Man fan’s point of view.

15.  Tony Stark did NOT “create most of his own enemies”

Vanko was “created, if anything, by Tony’s father -- as was Obadiah Stane. The only enemy Tony Stark really “created” was Aldrich Killian, but who could predict the insanity of a dude you barely knew building an entire villain persona inspired by a slight at a party years ago?  

Yes, Tony blames himself for creating Ultron, because Tony is all about taking responsibility and blame upon himself (unlike most of his teammates).  But Ultron was clearly NOT Tony’s fault. Tony may have been the catalyst who physically added the alien intelligence to the Iron Legion program. But at the time he was under the influence of the vision Wanda had implanted in his brain: of his greatest fear, losing his teammates and not having done more to save them.  

And more important, he was ALSO under the influence of the Mind Stone in Loki’s staff, which, as we saw in the first Avengers movie, can sow discord and control the minds of even superpowered beings.  The Mind Stone manipulates Tony and Bruce into inserting it in the Ultron/Iron Legion program, and from there it self-promulgates, embodying itself as the evil robot. Tony and Bruce go off to the party not thinking anything of it, because they are being manipulated into thinking nothing’s wrong.  The entrance of Evil Ultron is a huge surprise to them.

14. Tony Stark is not “overused”

Evan says Tony Stark has appeared in “eight of the 16 released MCU films.” He rushes to clarify that one appearance – in “The Incredible Hulk” – was just a few moments’ worth in a tiny cameo. So then that’s seven of the 16 films, fairly speaking.

So three of those were star appearances in his own franchise. Three were in Avengers movies (because Cap3: Civil War was really an Avengers movie, albeit one that RDJ made a mark for himself in, despite having far less screen time…). And yes, of course Iron Man should be a star player in the Avengers movies.

And most recently he made, oooh, wait for it: a 15-minute guest appearance in Spider-Man: Homecoming.

“Overused”? Hardly.

RDJ, sadly for us aficionados, is only in about one movie per year, of ANY type. So a year in which he makes even a small appearance in an MCU movie is a precious year indeed. In fact many of us think some of the Iron Man-less MCU movies could actually have benefited from a strong injection of Iron Man, which always makes everything that much better.

 13. Tony’s teammates really DO like him.

Sure, Rhodey loves Tony and they’re besties from way back. But there have been many, many moments of friendship and affection from his other teammates for Tony Stark throughout the MCU saga.

Natasha practically mouths Russian prayers for Tony to return from the wormhole in Avengers, and in Civil War she holds and massages Tony’s shoulder and asks if he’s OK. Thor apologizes for doubting Tony in Age of Ultron and admiringly admits Tony was right. Bruce Banner warms to Tony’s friendship in the first Avengers movie – yes, the one that launched a million “Science Bros” memes because their affection for each other was so evident. When Tony is jolted back from the dead by the Hulk’s snarl at the end of the Chitauri battle, the smile on Steve’s face could light up a room.

There are countless other little moments like that throughout all the movies. They’re “just” character moments, though – not part of the big bashing action setpieces – so casual viewers tend to overlook them. I don’t get that the heroes of the MCU are generally touchy-feely emotive people (except for you, Thor, you giant puppy). But they DO express their feelings in small, very meaningful ways that are fun to watch.  

Does Tony annoy them? Sure, like an annoying brother. But we love that brother anyway, because he’s family and he’s actually pretty entertaining. (If only my brother were RDJ, it would never get old…)

 12. Tony loves his teammates, too

Tony Stark sometimes doesn’t know how to deal with feelings of care and affection, so he sometimes tries to buy it – as he’s doing now by providing ALL of the Avengers’ amenities: the Tower and now the Compound, their uniforms and equipment and tech, their room and board. (It’s actually led to a “Team Freeloader” meme among the fans, since Tony is pretty much giving them everything.)  He doesn’t NEED to do this, but he does. Because he cares about them, and they’ve become his surrogate family.

But when you really get down to matters of the heart – which these movies don’t very often – look again at the vision Wanda implanted in Tony’s brain; the one of his greatest fear. Of all the Avengers who were affected by Wanda’s visions, only Tony saw a vision of his teammates dying. That is his greatest fear: that he didn’t do enough and then all his friends die. He admits to Nick Fury that he’d rather die than have them die.

I don’t know how much more blatant the MCU saga could get in practically underlining the point that Tony loves his teammates and takes responsibility for their lives and well-being. He FLIES TO SIBERIA all alone in Civil War -- one little guy in an armored suit flying hours and hours through ocean storms -- after braving The Raft and immense danger to find out where Steve is, once he learns the truth about the Vienna bombing. That’s called true friendship, and being there to make things right even after you and your friend both screw up.  

Oh, not to mention he designs everything, pays for everything and makes everyone look cooler.

 11.  Tony may “desperately need a break” -- but he just got one

Yup, we fans have been saying all along that Tony Stark needs a break and a long vacation in some beautiful place where he can quietly heal and come to terms with all that’s happened since 2008. And remember, only about five minutes ago in screen time, he just learned the truth of his parents’ murder and his friend’s betrayal, which probably triggered every ounce of PTSD inside him.

And…he just got a break, thankfully.  In Spider-Man: Homecoming he goes to India to rest and recharge and find himself (it’s glossed over quickly in the movie, but in the novelization, based on the script, it’s clear). Hey, if hanging out and meditating in some ritzy ashram is what it takes to get the old Tony Stark back, then yay.

But more than that: in Homecoming he has reunited with Pepper, the “one thing he can’t live without.” And even more than THAT, he has also gained a surrogate son in Peter Parker, the young superhero who is so much like Tony in almost every way: impulsive, mouthy, quicksilver, utterly determined. So now Tony, who probably thought he lost a family in “Civil War” (in more ways than one) has a close cadre of people he loves around him again.

And remember: this is an ongoing saga. Civil War brought everyone to their low point, the nadir of the story. From here on it’s onward and upward for all of them.

10.  Tony’s motivations are not “questionable”

You could say everything Tony Stark does has “guilt” behind it, as Evan did in his listcicle. But you could say that about all of them – every last one of the Avengers is either driven by guilt or shame. They’re all broken in some way. But if the story plays out as I think it will, because this is how stories work, they will all find their destiny in working together, as a team, as a family – when the Earth is threatened by a Big Bad only the Avengers can defeat.

Tony is not a perfect person. That’s what makes him a fascinating and compelling character. Yes, guilt over his family’s weapons-making legacy drives him to become Iron Man once he sees that those weapons are being diverted and sold to bad guys by Obie. (P.S.: Evan, Stark Industries NEVER sold weapons to evildoers. They were contracted to the U.S. military only.)  

Yes, Tony nearly weeps when confronted by the mom of the young man who died in Sokovia. Yes, he blames himself for Ultron and feels desperate guilt over that, because he’s not aware that he actually WASN’T to blame. And yes, these things and more drive Tony Stark toward advocating the Accords, which (I don’t know, I haven’t read them and I don’t know anyone who has…) seem to simply say that super-powered beings who pack the force of a bunch of atom bombs shouldn’t go tromping across international borders without permission, and should have some oversight. I don’t know – seems reasonable to me?

 9.  Tony Stark definitely DOES want to be Iron Man

Of course he does, because he’s a hero, and hero-ing is what heroes do. He even admits it to Cap: “I don’t want to stop.”  He TRIES to stop – probably to try to be a better mundane man and for Pepper’s sake. But he keeps coming back. Because he wants to. Because the inner drive to be a hero never stops.

We see this most clearly in his interactions with Peter Parker. Peter’s statement that “if you can do the things I can do, and you don’t, and bad things happen, then that’s on you” clearly has an impact on Tony – because it hits him at a time he’s been roped back in after trying to step away from his hero duties. It brings back to Tony that by trying to sit these things out, he’s actually making things worse -- because the world benefits from his actions as Iron Man.

Out of the mouth of this innocent kid – in whom Tony sees an unspoiled version of himself that he feels compelled to protect and guide – comes the entire credo for why he Iron Mans. And why any of them do what they do.

 8.  He’s NOT “more of a wild card than the Hulk.”

No. Just no. The Hulk can’t help himself. Tony can. Most of Tony’s decisions are pretty rational, when he’s actually thinking for himself and isn’t controlled by some outside force. Tony “submitting to registration” in Civil War was not a wild or unexpected decision. It’s the reasonable outcome of the huge fiascos the Avengers have gotten themselves into.  None of it because of anything they’d intended, but the collateral damages happened, right? Massive loss of property, life and limb?

And who was stuck with cleaning it up and paying for it all?  Why, it’s Tony Stark, the ONLY one taking any responsibility whatsoever. More on that in a moment.

 7.  Tony Stark does NOT “actively hold people back” – LOL, what?!!

Where in the world did THAT accusation come from? I’ve literally in all my years of fandom never heard that Tony Stark holds people back. Au contraire, mon Screen Rant frére. Tony Stark revels in being a futurist and in looking ahead to what the future will bring to all of us.

He takes on mentorship of Peter Parker because he knows that this youngster will someday, probably sooner rather than later, be a great hero – and that the kid won’t stop being a hero, whether or not Tony Stark is there to guide him or not. Thus, Peter is in active danger, out there on the streets in his onesie, punching far above his weight.

Tony isn’t holding Peter BACK, he’s keeping him SAFE. Can you imagine the time, effort and thought that went into that high-tech suit and its “Training Wheels Protocol” – Tony spending hours and hours planning how to keep this impetuous young padawan from being killed before he’s 17? Can you imagine Tony’s guilt if he had the ability to protect Peter and he didn’t?

Tony’s only mistake here is not realizing how much like him young Peter is, because of course Peter would disable the protections at his first opportunity. Remember “JARVIS, sometimes you gotta run before you can walk”?

 6.  Tony does not “refuse to take responsibility” – quite the opposite

Tony Stark is completely DRIVEN by the impetus to take responsibility. There is literally a whole movie about this, called Iron Man, in case you missed it.

Ever since his captivity in Afghanistan, it’s been that way. He immediately shut down Stark Industries’ weapons manufacturing at great expense and danger to himself. He built the suit to avenge the life of Yinsen and take responsibility for the safety of the town of Gulmira, since he blamed himself for the terrorists getting his weapons (even though that was Obie’s deal…). I didn’t see recklessness – just determination and courage, and some awesome pinpoint weapons-aiming, too. No collateral damage there.

In Age of Ultron and Civil War, Tony is completely horrified by the ravages of Ultron, whom he blames himself for even though (as we’ve seen) he’s really not to blame. And really, even though both Cap and Tony are quite a bit right and quite a lot wrong in Civil War, Tony in the context of real-world affairs is MORE right.  

The Avengers without oversight by some state or world agency are no more than an outlaw militia traipsing over borders and doing what they wish. No iteration of international law would ever allow that, no matter how much “good” Cap thinks they’re doing by “keeping it in our own hands.”

That sort of thinking is dangerously unilateral, and Cap veers close to America First-ism there (not surprisingly) -- but that doesn’t really work well in an international context. Tony has more of the right idea – that the group needs to be held accountable, as any military would, as any international peacekeeping organization would. There are laws in the world, and they’re there for a purpose.

Also, the only one taking ANY responsibility after the Lagos fiasco seems to be: Tony Stark. Cap is curiously subdued, keeping to his rooms while Tony comes back from his mini-retirement. Tony once again takes on ALL the stress of being the Avenger’s PR crisis manager, lead media spokesman, government liaison and all-around cleanup guy while everyone else apparently lounges around at the Compound.

And going back just a little further – remember that the MCU wouldn’t have Manhattan and would probably be embroiled in WW3 if Tony Stark hadn’t shouldered a nuclear missile and gone on a suicide mission to deliver it into space. Talk about being the guy who lies down on the wire…

So don’t talk to me about Tony Stark “not taking responsibility.” So often and on so many occasions, he takes on ALL the responsibility.

 5.  Tony Stark has shown more character development than all the rest of the Avengers put together.

Anyone asserting that Tony “has shown no character development” has had their head under the proverbial rock the past nine years. Tony Stark has had the most continuous character development of any of the Avengers. If you think not, then you’re buying into the motormouth bravado that the character wears like his armor -- and not seeing the man underneath.

In the course of the MCU saga so far, Tony has had his hero revelation moment, soared above the mistakes of his past, been brought very low by both real and perceived missteps along his hero journey, and now is set to fly high again. In fact, judging from Homecoming, he’s just gone through a rather huge glow-up (which makes his fans very happy).

Tony is not a god or an unceasingly good and moral super-soldier; he’s not a Jekyll-and-Hyde rage monster; he’s not a trained assassin or spy.  None of them ever really change, because they’re all locked into their types (or they don’t get their own movies so we can SEE them change: *cough*Black Widow*cough*…).

Of all the Avengers, Tony is the most human and most ever-changing, just like all of us. He’s a flesh-and-bones guy whose only “super power” is his intellect, whose armor is both real and metaphorical, shielding his real and metaphorical heart -- and whose entire story is his leaping, upward, optimistic character arc toward the future.

 4.  His “quipping has gotten exhausting”?! Not a chance.

Listen, if it wasn’t Tony Stark doing the quipping, it would be some other super-dude in the movie. Count on it. It’s a trope.  And I’d much, much, MUCH rather have Robert Downey Jr. as on-site quipmeister than anyone else. He’s by far the world’s most qualified.

Also, can you WAIT for the moment when Iron Man, Rocket and Star Lord meet?  Quip meters all over the world will shatter, and that, as Martha Stewart says, will be a Good Thing.

 3.  All those “murders”? What??  

Please, point me to any occasion in the MCU where Tony Stark “murders” innocent people intentionally.

I’ll wait.

These are superhero movies – ALL the heroes kill people; hopefully, the bad guys. A lot of aliens bite the dust, but occasionally bad humans do too. And Marvel movies, for all their mayhem, are fairly restrained in collateral damages and actually address the issues of unintended deaths and damage and the human consequences that heroes have to live with.  

How many people died as the Chitauri invaded NYC and smashed into buildings? But how many millions more would have died if the World Council had nuked Manhattan? I seem to recall someone in red and gold saving those millions from nuclear annihilation…which is not a small thing. Wanda inadvertently killed 11 innocent people in that hotel in Lagos – sure, “not her fault,” any more than Ultron was Tony’s fault. They both intended to do good and ended up with a fiasco. It’s all become an important part of the MCU story – it’s become a story of accountability and taking responsibility.

I can only defend the Insta-Kill mode in Spidey’s suit with the thought that it was there as an extreme measure of last resort, only to be used in desperation and ONLY when Peter is fully trained and can – yes – take on that heavy responsibility. Tony intended for that training to happen, you know.

 2.  Tony did not “almost literally get everyone killed”

Again, as I mentioned: Tony – who takes on the responsibility and blame for just about everything, which is his main problem in life – was actually and ironically NOT responsible for Ultron. Wanda’s vision, then the Mind Stone, remember. The Mind Stone, not Tony, was mainly responsible for creating the mad robot. Its intelligence entered the Ultron interface while the Avengers were partying, and no one even suspected it was happening.

 1.    We not only “want” to like him, we DO.  

Listen – Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark is the reason a lot of us go to the MCU movies. It’s no coincidence that every MCU movie in which he’s played a major role is at the top of the top-grossing movies in cinema history.

Sure, we fans would love to see RDJ in other roles. That’s coming. But if he wants to be part of the MCU for however long, he’s more than welcome. Maybe he could take on a Fury-like role as Director Stark, a role that would let him be involved in the MCU as much or as little as he’d like so he’d have time for other projects.Or maybe he gracefully bows out, with Tony Stark either ending heroically in a blaze of glory or in simply retiring to that country place he’s been promising Pepper. I’m torn, but what will be will be. That’s up to Marvel and RDJ, not some freelance writer with whatever axe you’re grinding.

 Tony Stark is such a beloved hero to all of us because of how he’s portrayed onscreen, by one of the great actors of our time: as a flawed, fallible, searching, very human character who makes mistakes, learns from them, falls down again and again, but gets back up and soars once more toward the future he loves. He’s important to so many fans who have disabilities, mental illness/PTSD, or who suffer anxiety and depression, because of what he has gone through and what he has overcome. He’s important to those of us who study and love science and technology, because he fails and perseveres and that’s what science is about. Because it’s the failures, the attempts, the trying, the falling and the overcoming – all of that IS the story of Tony Stark. That’s why we love him.

Tony Stark is a hero. Not perfect – and that’s the entire point. Tony Stark is us. Long may he be part of the MCU, as long as RDJ wants him to play him – because we’ll be here to watch and cheer him on.     

###

[paniccord-ff]

10.

“I am so shocked that your brothers are actually doing a party, I ain’t complaining though. I am going to miss you at work, a whole ass two weeks away from that place” grabbing my black strap heels “I am sure you won’t miss me that much, besides. I know you feeling that doctor guy on the department. He white, I am surprised you are going for such a skin colour” sitting down on the edge of my bed “well I want to try something different, I have realised that men just in general are not shit, Rylee I think may turn lesbian. There is only one person I would do that with, and that is with you” shaking my head lightly “I ain’t about that licking pussy life, I can’t deal with that at all. We can live together with some cats, I can do that” placing my right foot in the strap heel “forget you, you done rented a one bedroom apartment in West Hollywood. You have a man, you got your life set up. I am surprised you not moved in yet” buckling my heel up “who told you I have a man? I could be pretty much single” I have not told Bailey anything “single? Ok Rylee, you barely see me anymore. You have been getting picked up by Chris fucking Brown outside work every fucking day, don’t play me or make me look stupid. You look so happy too, spill it to me” placing my left foot in my strap heel and doing the same “we are trying something out” that was so vague “trying what out? Girl, don’t play me. I am giving you one last chance” she has put me on the spot, getting up from the edge of the bed “ok, fine. Chris and I are dating but trying to be low-key about it. Nobody knows, you do now though. Just you didn’t agree to it.”

Pressing my red bodycon dress down “I don’t, but you seem happy, I am just looking out for you girl. Y’all had sex yet?” she pointed, shaking my head “no, no sex” I said, her face scrunched up, her mouth slowly opened up “Shut. The. Fuck. Up! You haven’t had sex with him!? Fuck off, you lying bitch. You telling me Mr Dick every bitch down hasn’t fucked you, I see lies. I don’t believe that nigga has not had sex, no!” staring at Bailey’ reaction “no Rylee! It’s lies” blinking at her “wait” she got up from the bed “you are being real? What? I am confused, so tell me how long you both been dating now?” Bailey slowly walked over to me “about three weeks now” I shrugged “and he hasn’t had sex with anyone else since then?” shaking my head “I practically know what he is doing all the time, even when there is girls around him I trust him” Bailey let out an oh “fuck me Rylee, trust? I am…. I am shocked. So he hasn’t had sex since then, so. Can you tell me what kind of juju you put him under? I need that girl” I chuckled “there is no secret, I am just me” I don’t understand why he wants me anyway, sighing out “you are too good for him, my beautiful friend. You look good, we about to turn up in the club with our peoples for your birthday” Bailey reached her hand up, pressing my hair down “you got the good bundles in, all ready for Barbados too” I had to get my hair done before I left “are y’all ready!?” Nathan shouted “yes we are, go away!” Bailey shouted on my behalf, I was about to do it myself.

Holding my clutch bag close as I made my way outside with the boys, you know half of these boys I don’t know. While I do know them because they are always around but my friends are meeting us at the club, Bailey held my hand “you think I could pull any of them” she pointed at the idiots ahead of us “you can pull any of them, no matter what. I hope you get some dick, I feel like you need this” I can tell she does, all she speaks about is dick “thank you so much” this girl is forever making me shake my head at her “come on” Blake waved me over, holding the car door open for me “you hired this out for me?” I questioned seeing the Rolls Royce “anything for you little sister, I got you” he said those words and it reminded me of Chris “thank you, I would have been happy with something small” they’re making it all big for me, like I deserve this. Letting Bailey’ hand go as I slid into the back, what a nice car this is. Bailey sat next to me “how do you get such luck!?” Bailey spat “luck? Trust me, shit was never like this” getting my phone out of my clutch, let me message Chris back before he gets upset with me. Unlocking my phone to read my messages.

From: Chris

Hope those legs are covered?

Actually don’t matter, I will be seeing you there :)

I have my ways

Letting out a laugh, I knew he would have come. He wasn’t about to let me celebrate with my friends, I actually want to see him. It’s going to be hard because I have today and then tomorrow to pack and then I am gone, I won’t see him between then. I was planning to see him tomorrow for a while, he has been feeling so sensitive about it. I have not had the chance to move my stuff in the new apartment, things have come around so quickly. Let me text him back.

To: Chris

Can’t wait to see you, you was invited anyways. I was only joking with you x

Pressing send “oh you are texting Mr lover man” Bailey spat, my eyes widened pointing ahead of me “shut up” I said in a whisper, I don’t need Blake having his rants “oh, I mean Daniel always likes acting like your man” she tried to play it off,  I rather do this properly with my family knowing. People say mean shit about Chris and I don’t want him to feel that, I feel kind of protective of him so this whole reveal needs to be done right. My brother’s know I hang with Chris, they asked Lo straight away and Lo denied everything and said it’s friends. I honestly feel like I have two bodyguards, such dog’s “yep” I said, looking down at my phone seeing Chris as text me back.

From: Chris

Send me a pic??

To: Chris

You can wait and see me in the club :D

From: Chris

I am leaving the house now, what color then? Tell me that

To: Chris

Red ;)

I love red, I feel like it compliments me and I know he likes when I wear red lipstick.

I know Rylee is looking sexy, she won’t even let me see her but she is sexy already in my mind. Grabbing my camouflage jacket, she told me yesterday that I was uninvited because of a couple of nights ago I wouldn’t let her sleep, I was on facetime and in the studio and this girl hugged me and said it’s nice to see you with clothes on, I died inside but I felt so bad. Shamefully in Hollywood if you fuck with a girl you will always see them around, Rylee then didn’t speak to me. I had to make it up with her, I actually have a little surprise for her today. I just need to get Rylee out of the club so I can show her, I am just annoyed she is going so quickly. With Rylee wearing red, I can already feel myself getting off on it.

I am taking my Lamborghini today, I was going to take my other car but I didn’t. Putting the car engine on, the door opened up “watch my jacket” I said, Mijo picked the jacket off the seat and sat in “don’t want to crease it now do we?” he said, looking ahead of me waiting on the boys and my bodyguard to get in the range “well I ain’t want your fat ass to be sitting on it” placing a cigarette between my lips “so we going to 1OAK? I thought Lo going there? Some birthday party” lighting my cigarette, pulling it away from my lips “that’s where we going now” putting some of the car window down “you seem to be so calm recently, there is something about you” Mijo pointed, revving my car up a little “I am me” pulling a face at him “yeah I get that but you seem to be calm, like after the seizure you stopped having lean. You stopped going out in general, it’s studio or home. You stay away from us niggas and you seem to be so joyful seeing little Royal” I chuckled “sometimes a nigga has to change” they need to thank Rylee for this, they seem to like this Chris.

Passing my keys to the Valet guy, I have one thing on my mind and that is to see Rylee. She is here, I am a little late actually “Chris!” some random female screamed, walking behind my bodyguard and into the club. My bodyguard stopped midway “VIP is booked up!?” he shouted “go to Lo, he is waiting” I shouted back, I know that it is booked up but I made sure I got my spot. Which is right behind Rylee “come on now, move out the way” my bodyguard said, looking around me. This place is packed actually, it’s kind of weird for a Thursday to be like this. Licking my top lip smiling, seeing Rylee from where I am with her skin tight dress on, she looks so beautiful and look at her. The life of the party, she is laughing so much too.

Bailey grabbed my head and bought it closer to her “Chris Brown is walking over here” she let my head go as I moved to look, looking around to the entrance area. Feeling Bailey poke my side, looking at her as she pointed to the side of me. Looking to the side of me and seeing Chris talking to my brother’s, a smile played on my face. He looks so handsome, the fact he is here for me makes this situation so much better. I feel so shy now, seeing him walk over to me. Turning my head to Bailey, I am feeling so shy. Chris closed in on me as he climbed up into VIP, his hand on my waist. He bought his head down to my ear “you look beautiful, now I understand why any nigga would go crazy for you” my spine tingled feeling his touch on my waist, he moved his hand away and walked behind me. My breath got caught in my throat, staring behind me.

This is just so awkward, not in a bad way but I wish I could do more with Chris “we have Chris Brown in the building” the DJ shouted, the crowd turned around to face this way. Looking behind me, Chris is just behind, he is so close. I don’t know how this has happened but I have ended up being with Chris’ friends, looking at Lo he just nodded his head at me. I need to forgive him, I guess it’s happened now. Smiling at him lightly, Daniel has finally come “where the hell have you been!?” I shouted, he put his hands up “I got late, something came up” Daniel eyeballed the bodyguard that pushed him at work, the bodyguard did the same to him “come on, let’s just have fun” wrapping my arms around him “I think he wants to kill me” Daniel said in my ear “stop it” placing my hand on his chest “come, you my friend” grabbing his arm, Chris is an ass.

I am keeping Daniel in my view, I don’t trust Chris for some reason. I don’t know how he has worked this out, I am away from my friends and I am covered in his friends, I think Chris has realised my friends are not really female because they never like me, they are male “And when I'm putting work in on a weekend, I'll look back on this and think. How we had the club going up” Bailey and I sang together as we busted out laughing “Nathan is here” Bailey spat, she placed her arm around my brother “we finna bring the cake out” he slurred, he is drunk already “ok, you can. I need to go down there, I need to be with friends for a while” he nodded “you stay here though, so we can see you” rolling my eyes “whatever” placing my hand on his face and pushing him away.

This is too much, I hate the fact it is all eyes on me “I hate it” I whispered to Bailey, the half-naked ladies bought my cake out. I am sweating and too many cameras and pictures, I am stood next to Chris and I feel a little tipsy, god why me “Happy Birthday” I froze staring ahead of me hearing Chris sing on a mic, looking at Chris “Happy Birthday baby girl, Happy Birthday to you!” he grabbed hold of my hand “Oh my god” covering my eyes with my free hand “picture please” the photographer came out of nowhere “you didn’t have to do that, I am so embarrassed” I said as I turned around to the photographer, the music came back on “I wanted too” Chris placed his arm on my shoulder “I ain’t finna get to do that for you” seeing my brother’s walk over and everyone decided to photobomb the whole thing “do not bother!” holding my hand up, Blake is either eating that piece of cake or trying to shove it in my face.

I am just glad I got to spend some time with the people that came out here, it took me a while to get away from everyone. I need to get back to VIP now, too many bodies and touching around here. Feeling a hand snake around my stomach and yank me back, I let out a gasp “it’s me” Chris said in my ear, breathing out a sigh of relief “let’s leave, please. I want you to myself, I will be waiting down in the entrance” he said in my ear, Chris soon moved away like he wasn’t just all up on me. Looking behind me and just like that he dipped, how does he expect me to leave a party my brother’s did for me “everything ok?” Bailey spat, she grabbed my hand and held my clutch to me “just Chris said he wants me to go” I can’t do that “he told me, we spoke. I got your back, just go and have fun. You’re only young once” looking over at the VIP, everyone is busy doing their own thing “just go!” she spat, waving her hand at me to go.

Pulling my dress down a little as I got to the lobby “I am here” he said behind me “I was just getting my car out for us, it’s a little busy out there. You cold? You look it” he took his camouflage jacket off, placing it around my shoulders “you look so good, I just got a little surprise for you. I am just happy to get you alone” people walked by us “let’s get out of here” Chris walked ahead of me “excuse me” Chris’ bodyguard walked by me to get ahead, am I really leaving the club with Chris, I am leaving my own party for him. I am doing this right now, I need to live a little anyways. The security held the door open and when Chris said a little busy, he forgot to mention it was rammed outside “let me get your clutch” Chris said taking it from me, I am glad he did so I can hold the jacket around my shoulders. I feel so nervous, the flash of cameras has got me feeling so nervous “stay clear, this side!” this is a whole different life, my god. Putting my head down following Chris, I look like one of his hoes.

Sitting in his Lamborghini, I am regretting my decision already. The cameras flashed just sitting in the car “we will be out of here” Chris put his engine on “you good?” Chris asked “yeah, I just feel for you. how do you deal with all this” pointing at just cameras “used to it” Chris revved his car as he drove off slowly “at times it gets me down, I just wish I was normal. I know you don’t like it, I am sorry” it’s not his fault “its ok, eventually it will come out. Someone sneaked a picture of us apartment shopping, I need to be ready and yeah. You look handsome” he stopped his car at a red light “thank you baby” he leaned over pressing a kiss to my lips “my baby looking beautiful, I was dying to get you away. All to myself” smiling at him “but you need to quit being mean to Daniel, he says you look like you want to kill him” he needs to stop because no matter what, Daniel is a friend “but you’re mine, I don’t like it. He likes you” Chris shrugged “I am going to be so sad when you leave” he said out of nowhere “really?” that has shocked me “you become part of my day Rylee, I enjoy normality. Picking you up. I am weird, I know” bless him, he is so sweet.

I know this street, I know I do “is this where my apartment is?” I am confused “yeah, you just noticed. I am taking you back to the crib” I just love the way he has taken over the apartment “I see, but why? There is nothing in there” Chris shrugged as he parked up on a side street “we will sit on the floor then, I don’t care. I got you Rylee, what more do I want. Come on, let’s go” he is being somewhat, what is that word, he is being loving with me. He is scaring me but in a good way, shit is going so fast. Pushing the car door up, getting out of the Lamborghini “put the jacket on, you’ll get cold. I have your clutch” you know what I forgot about that “stop worrying, I will be fine” walking around the car “you think people are going to start talking? I mean they have officially taken pictures of us together” I am still thinking about it “erm, they will assume they we are dating but let them say it because it is true” Chris placed his arm around me.

Chris unlocked the door to my apartment “wait, I didn’t give you a key?” I swear I didn’t “this is ours, I think you forgot, close your eyes though” tilting my head “no, why? Let’s just go in, I am getting cold” Chris side eyed me “you either close your eyes or I am taking you back to the club” I huffed “fine” closing my eyes, I don’t like this because he will probably try and scare me. Chris placed his hands over my eyes “just in case you try to look, slowly walk forward” I wonder what the hell he has done now, I slowly shuffled ahead “are we even inside yet?” I have been walking for a while now, hearing the door shut “uhhhh a little bit more” taking a few steps more “cool, so you can open your eyes when you’re ready” he moved his hands away, I sighed feeling anxious. Opening my eyes slowly, seeing my fully decorated apartment living room “oh my god” I said in a whisper.

He has done my apartment up, placing my hands over my mouth “all new flooring, I got some designer dude to come. He did it, I think it looks really good. I like the white couches, those are my favourite and they comfy as hell. I was here for a few hours with a friend, he should have made sure the game controller wasn’t on the damn floor either” Chris walked ahead of me to pick it up, I am in shock. I cannot digest what he has done “I didn’t leave the candles on, he did it before he left the place. So yeah, Happy Birthday” shaking my head “I can’t take this” god I feel my eyes welling up now “don’t cry Rylee, its fine. I wanted too, you haven’t seen the bedroom yet” he walked over to me, he took my hand, I can’t accept this. Seeing my bedroom “I got you a vanity table, I got one of my female friends to make the bed. I couldn’t do that shit, you have more room for clothes. I have a few things already in here but its more space. It’s all set for you, this is my birthday present from me to you. I know I can’t celebrate it with you but we can do it now for a while” waving him off “stop talking” walking into him, wrapping my arms around his neck “thank you so much, I cannot repay this ever. Oh my god, Chris. Thank you” he chuckled, my heart is so full.

Looking around the bedroom, this does not seem like real life “thank you Chris, I can’t thank you enough. Oh my, I don’t deserve it. I am in shock, this has to be the best present” Chris smiled at me “you have already given me a present, your presence. You have given me a whole new reason for life, you have shown me a lot already. You don’t think you are doing much but on god, you are. I am sprung, really sprung. This is the least I can do, when I go on tour I know you’re safe and that is all I want” I am wanting to cry so much “don’t cry, seriously. You deserve it” Chris hugged me close “you have shocked me so much, I didn’t even want anything from you” which is true, I didn’t.

I am so happy to take these heels off, leaning down unbuckling them “thank god” kicking them off “took you a while” Chris said behind me, I jumped a little as I looked at him “oh” I let out, he licked his lips “good job you didn’t do that out in public” is the heating on or something because I feel warm in here. The silence in the room is so thick, I don’t know if to move or not because Chris’ stare is like he wants to devour me. Chris swallowed hard “I am glad you like it” pushing himself off the side “I do” I whispered, Chris closed in on me. My heart is beating at a pace, my breathing hitched. Chris lowered his head and his tongue glided along my bottom lip demanding entrance, which I obliged. His soft, warm tongue plunged inside my mouth, probing and exploring the warm wetness of my mouth. I moaned, only heightening the desire and need. The kiss is slow and sensual, he slowly moved back which left me yearning for him. Staring into his eyes, placing my hand behind the back of his head to bring his head closer to me. Our lips met again which had found a new intensity against mine and I couldn't help but melt into his arms. I pressed my body against his harder, feeling his warmth against me. I was able to feel his hands behind my back, holding me close.

He abruptly pulled away from the kiss to place his lips onto my neck, I was able to feel him suck on the skin roughly, his teeth grazing my neck. Chris pulled away from my neck “Rylee, you don’t have to have sex with me. I didn’t do this for that, we can stop and just have some cake. I got you another cake” why is he being so sweet “I want too, I want to do this” how long can I make him wait “I just want to do this” I am about to experience Chris Brown, his eyes didn’t leave mine as both of his hands gripped me and lifted me up. Wrapping my arms around his neck as my legs wrapped around his waist, kissing Chris’ lips again.

I feel so many emotions right now, like excitement and nervousness. I never get how women just sleep with guys, I am so insecure to just open my legs like that “why are you giggling?” Chris spat “because I am nervous and shy, I just don’t know. Ok, I am just thinking. Ignore me, I am sorry” he really got annoyed with me, letting out a yelp as he dragged me to the edge of the bed “holy shit” I said, he didn’t even do anything. He hiked up my bodycon dress “my god, I want to keep this moment” this is what makes me so shy “oh my god, like how can you be this sexy. Jesus, I have been wanting this moment for so long. You need to understand, I want to devour you. I want you to wrap your legs around my neck, I need to be inside you” hiding my face, why is he doing this. Feeling his weight a top of me, he yanked my hands away from my face “stop it, you making me shy” his face all up in my face “I have been wanting this moment for so long” he said, wrapping my legs around his body, placing my hand on his face “stop playing with your food” Chris’ eyes lit up “I can feel your bulge on my thigh” he pressed a kiss to my lips before moving back.

Clenching my eyes shut, moaning softly. I am trying to completely relax my body, I gritted my teeth feeling Chris using his thumb over the material of my thong “I feel it” he whispered, using two fingers he began massaging my clit, I rocked my hips slowly rotating around his fingers. Opening my eyes because I couldn’t feel his fingers there no more, he latched his fingers onto the side of my thong and pulled it off. Throwing it to the side, positioning himself between my thighs. The very tip of his tongue grazed my swollen flesh, draping one of my legs over his shoulder. Kissing my clit, he spread the lips of my sex and parted his mouth. Placing open mouth kisses against my sex, running his tongue back and forth across me. Wrapping my legs around his shoulders, I want to dig my nails into something. Gripping the sheets at the side of me “ohh my” I cried out, his tongue was everywhere, I am gone and then his tongue vibrated against my clit, sending shivers through me. My body arched up, I can’t sustain this, I have not had this in my life “oh shiit, oh Chris” crying out, my orgasm bursting out of me.

Taking deep breathes coming down from my climax, Chris stood up looking like the devil he his. He used his thumb to wipe the side of his mouth “I always imagined how you tasted, you didn’t disappoint” he is the devil, there is no way someone’s mouth can do that “you good over there?” Chris chuckled taking his top off, for some reason I want to ride him so hard now. Pushing my dress down my body, this is my fault for wearing something so tight “dammit” I said to myself as I finally got it off, breathing a sigh of relief. Looking at Chris, he stood staring at me with just his tee in hand “my god, I think I am going to nut quick, I know. I uhm” he paused “yeah I ain’t got condoms with me, I ain’t expect to have sex” I am feeling really freaky right now, he can’t be doing this “you lucky I am on contraception already” why does Chris look all nervous and I am ready to ride him.

Chris Brown is big, I know he said it in songs, but come on. I didn’t think it was real, I stifled out a giggle as Chris climbed a top of me and pressed kisses to my lips “I am about to nut so fast, you are so sexy” he looked down at my pierced nipple “fuck me” he licked his lips, lifting my head up and latching on to his bottom lip to pull him into a kiss. He kissed me roughly while positioning himself at my entrance, Feeling his member enter me slowly. He looked at me and my reaction and then went in even deeper, my breathing got shallow. I moved one of my hands up onto his hips and started to pull him closer to me, Chris picked up in no time and he was suddenly going faster. A moan left my lips in pleasure as he did this, he felt so good.

I moaned out at Chris feeling so good “oh god” placing my hands on his chest “let me” I spoke “huh?” Chris said all confused, pushing at his chest “lay on your back” he stared at me like I am crazy “you sure? Little miss giggle” pushing him off me, he laid on to his back. Chris swallowed hard as I climbed on top of him, resting my hands on his chest. Shuffling down a little and positioning myself a top of his member, pushing myself down onto his length slowly “I want you to remember this Chris” I said as his hands came to rest on my hips, getting accustomed to his size again. Slowly moving my hips, biting on my bottom lip, my movements quickened riding his member “fuck me Rylee” I like this position, such dominance “oohhhh baby” closing my eyes.

One of his hands gripped the back of my thigh and his other arm slipped around my waist, he flipped us over so he hovered over me. I knew to not trust Chris, he knows I am taking over and he ain’t like it. One hand rested by my face holding his weight up and the other held onto my thigh. He captured my lips in a passionate kiss, I matched his passion with every inch of me. He moved back from the kiss “you mine, you remember that. On god you mine” He is all consuming, I was his. His thrust deep into me, my hands moved to cup his face as his lips assaulted mine. His long and powerful strokes were making my body tremble, I matched him stroke for stroke. Wrapping one leg around his hip, my nails dug into his shoulders as my hands slipped from his face.

Chris laid on his side as so did I “I think I have a little freak on my hands, I thought you know what I need to be good. But you a freak, I like it. I am ready for round two. I actually you can just sit on my face” feeling Chris grab my thigh, lifting my leg to place it over his legs “you really like my legs, you really have thing for it” touching his chest “it makes me feel some type of way, if you think I am crazy before. Shit is about to get worse and now you are going there, cancel it. We can just forget the world and lay naked” he moved his arm and reached behind him, grabbing the bed throw “you feel a little cold” smiling at him “Happy Birthday though, I can sing happy birthday to you tomorrow. You need to see your cake” he placed the bed throw on top of us both “you don’t think bad of me do you? It’s like you didn’t expect me to have sex? Does that make me bad?” I feel it now “oh nah, not at all. Shit hasn’t changed, I just feel more for you, you know. Connected to you, don’t think that. Only feel that if I was to leave you on the bed naked, I don’t do this. Look! I am here, holding you” he touched my cheek with the back of his hand, he has made me feel so much better.

[loseitall-ff]

26. Part 2

I had to fly back home commercial, I couldn’t even get my private jet running at such short notice. The commercial flight was leaving straight away so I paid for first class and just hopped on it with nothing with but my passport, credit cards and my phone that needs charging. Hopefully my family handles my stuff because I left all my shit there, I didn’t even have a shower. I am so stank right now, rubbing my forehead feeling agitated. We already stopped in Dubai for two hours and now we on our way to LA, I am so jet lagged and wish I could switch my mind off, I tried calling Robyn but she won’t pick up. I don’t understand why I am getting tortured for this, I only want to be there for her. Seeing my phone on 16 percent, this is not going to last. Looking around me, I wonder if I could ask someone. Getting up from my seat, lack of sleep is getting to me and these various time zones is fucking me up so bad. Looking at everyone around me, pretty much everyone has a cable for my phone but who do I ask, seeing an older black lady. I could ask her, the air hostess smiled at me as I made my way. Clearing my throat “I am sorry to disrupt you in your reading” she quickly pulled her headphone out, seeing everyone just stare at me “I know it’s weird that I am asking you this, I have left my phone cable on my jet. I need to charge my phone, please can I borrow your cable just a little while” I probably look like a fool right now “oh of course, I don’t mind” thank god, I thought she was about to be mad rude to me.

Finally, some juice so I can call Mel. She will pick up for me, blinking my eyes several times “hey” Mel said, she picked up “hey Melissa” rubbing my eyes, clearing my throat “why won’t she pick my calls up? I am calling her, she being dead ass wrong with me right now, I need her too” my eyes are feeling so heavy now “Chris please do not tell me you are on a plane right now? She is asleep right now, I put sleeping tablets in her drink, don’t judge me. I just didn’t want to see her cry anymore. She just doesn’t want to speak to you, I don’t know why. Joyce is even asking but she said she will text you” Robyn is being selfish “I am on a flight home, just left Dubai. I am borrowing someone’s charger, the only thing I got is my credit card and passport. I am jet lagged, tired and she is dodging me when all I want to do is be there for her” I ranted on “you need to sleep, jet lag is getting to you. You shouldn’t have done this” opening my eyes “done what? Come back to her when she needs me, only want to speak to her. I lost something too” the words slurred out of my mouth “I know Chris, just sleep it off. She loves you so much, she is just feeling down. Joyce knows now” that is the last thing I heard before my mind switched off on me.

“Mr Brown” feeling a hand on me “Mr Brown!” the female voice could be heard a little higher pitched “huh!” my eyes shot open, touching my chest and grabbing my phone “what happened?” I said in a state of shock “you fell asleep sir, its ok. We are about to land so you need to buckle yourself in” I am so confused, I swear I was just talking to Mel “excuse me” pulling the cable out “could you pass this back to the lady over there” pointing at her “of course” the air hostess smiled before walking away, I don’t even remember falling asleep at all. My head is killing me too, shuffling up on my seat. Looking over to see the lady get her cable back, she gave me a wave which I did back. At least my phone is fully charged now but with a whole bunch of messages, I do not need to read that right now because my mind can’t take anymore shit.

Walking the tunnel out behind people, with my passport in hand. My hand is still hurting from punching the wall, I wish my anger didn’t get the best of me sometimes. The security looked me up and down as I walked by, I look and smell stank right now. I usually can hide behind my glasses but I can’t, I am just wearing a shirt and some jeans I stole from my stylist and went off. I know there is people taking pictures of me but I am not in the mood, I just want to get a taxi and leave to go home. Looking up at the time, it’s eight in the morning here, I have been through so many time zones that I don’t know where I am at. Walking out to exit this place, I am sure I can catch a cab here but I only have my cards and no cash on me.

The cab pulled up outside Robyn’ home, Mel stood outside waiting on me. I told her that she need to pay for the cab, I ain’t got no cash on me. The cab halted outside “here you go sir” he said, Mel walked over to the car “she will pay, thank you” shuffling out of the cab, I am so tired and hungry too. Closing the door as Mel paid, stretching out my body. Shuffling forward a little “welcome back Chris” Mel said, I don’t know what came over me but I instantly just hugged Mel “I am sorry if I smell stank” I said, Mel laughed at me “no, I can’t smell you actually. So good to see you though” stepping back nodding my head “back but not for the reason I had wanted to be, I always said to Robyn I would be back for her. I made sure I came back, nobody was ready and I just ran. I didn’t even wait for my jet, I was gone” Mel rubbed my back as we walked inside “I was awake anyways. Liana woke me, I am looking after her so she is eating cereal and watching you know what” I smiled, her stank show she likes to watch.

I best see my daughter first, she will be more than happy to see me “I fell asleep on you, I am sorry. My mind switched off on me, I want to sleep now. Jet lag is just killing me” Mel cooed out “it’s ok, I was like Chris? And I heard you breathing heavy and the phone falling so I disconnected, I understand bro” poking my head around the living room, seeing Liana on her knees at the side of the table. Eating her cereal while watching My Little Pony, she is so adorable and happy in her zone “wow, is Apple Jack being stank again” I spat, Liana turned her head around so quickly. She gasped staring at me, I gasped too. She got up from the floor “oh daddy I missed you!” she said raising her arms to me “my baby girl” picking her up “I have missed you more than you know” holding Liana tightly to me “daddy heard you have been missing me, I came home for you” Liana moved her head away from my shoulder “we play now daddy” she kissed my nose “stop being so cute, I love you” pressing kisses to her face.

Liana’ arms wrapped around my neck tightly “Liana you need to eat your cereal, I am here now” trying to place her down “no!!! I stay” her grip tightened “fine, let’s go here then together” walking over to the table “if I sit on the floor next to you, will you eat then?” she nodded, this girl is not about to let me go for nothing now. I grunted as I sat down on the floor, Liana let my neck go “here Chris, you need to eat” Mel said walking over to me with a bottle of water and a bowl “you don’t need too” smiling at her “you don’t need to get anymore skinny, they are lucky charms” she placed the bowl in front of me “thank you so much Mel” grabbing the bottle from the table, unfastening the cap “I drink too” Liana held my bottle as I drank from it, feeling Liana trying to yank to away from my lips “damn baby” I chuckled, she not letting me do anything.

Watching the commercial on the TV “oh look baby, they doing a movie. I need to take you to that” can be a daddy and daughter day, I need to make sure I remember this “daddy go ahhh” Liana said, looking over at Liana as she bought the spoon towards me “careful baby, you about to drop it” wrapping my hand around hers, eating the cereal from her spoon “look at my grandbaby looking after her dad” hearing my mom say, turning my head around “mom!” I spat, getting up from the floor “I talked to Christine, she told me you left” hugging my mom “I am so so sorry baby, I am sorry. I am sorry to the both of you that the both of you have to go through this” moving back from the hug “dad, hug!” Liana got between my mom and I, wiping the tear away from my eye as I picked Liana up “I am so very proud of you, how much you have changed. You are being so selfless with everything, my strong boy. Always there for his loved ones” putting my head down as my mom stroked my cheek “stop it” she is reminding me of the past “you was there for me and now look, she needs you” swallowing back the lump in my throat “I try my best you know” looking up at my mom “I can see it, you need to rest too. Sleep is what you need” I can’t sleep right now or think of me.

I have finally got away from Liana, it was hard to get away from her but I did it. I can hopefully have a shower before I see Robyn, she will probably be asleep still, well I hope so. Opening the bedroom door and walking inside, there was a sudden sunlight entering the dark room. Looking up as Robyn froze her movement of opening the curtain wider, staring at me like she has seen a ghost. Closing the door behind me slowly “Robyn” I said, Robyn is still looking at me like I am not real “what are you doing back home? I mean, are you real?” she said while stepping away from the windows, I stopped walking “I came back for you” Robyn looked at me dumbfounded “why? You have a tour, are you crazy coming home” why is she acting like this “fuck the tour, I came home for you” watching Robyn walk around the bed “I didn’t call or text you, I mean it is nice to see you” I am about to flip a table, I am tired and upset and this attitude is annoying me.

Staring at Robyn trying to look less angry “is that how you doing me now? Just shut me out like I don’t exist” Robyn fixing the bed covers like everything is normal, is she crazy “nobody is doing that to you Chris” gawking at Robyn, turning around as I balled my fist up and then the pain hit me from the wall I punched back at the arena “ouch, fuck!” I said, that pain “what?” she said, looking down at my bruised hand “nothing” rubbing my hand turning around “that was my baby too Robyn, you are shunning me out of something I loved too. The guy that is always there for you, and you are ignoring me. I came here for you” pointing at the ground “you need to live your life, I am a burden. I can’t even hold a baby never mind a relationship” Robyn finally turned around to look at me “I am sorry Chris, I am sorry that I can’t hold your babies. That I am damaged goods” is she being real right now “so you are ignoring my calls and not telling me, why? What were you going to do? Leave me?” Robyn shrugged “I don’t know, I was thinking” this must be her emotions speaking right now.

Rubbing my face in anger “what happened to your hand?” Robyn asked, looking at my hand again “that is what happens when I had to perform when all I wanted to do is be with you, I found out I lost my baby. I was angry but it seems like my fiancé wanted to leave me because she thinks she is damaged goods, now you’re just hurting me. I came here on a fucking twenty one hour flight for you to do me like this!? For you to fucking speak about leaving me straight after losing our child! Are you fucking kidding me!?” shaking my head staring away “if you want to leave me then tell me now, do it. Say it to me, tell me you want to leave me and take the ring off” she is being too normal for this, seeing Robyn’ eyes water “no” she quivered out “then why say it to me? Acting like I would leave you for anything, I want to grow old with you” I just don’t understand her, Robyn walked over to me “I am sorry Chris” Robyn clung on to my neck, hearing the piercing cry in my ear as Robyn cried out.