#ill say anything this website
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listening to florence + the machine and my nipples got hard
#ill say anything this website#it was the song howl btw#the lungs album is a treasure#music rec#jurassic-cunt
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chat im crying about charles xavier at near 1AM i need professional help
#snap chats#'crying' is. Not Inaccurate but stronger than truth i simply got a lil teary eyed. ignore the fact this the first time i cried in months#its because im a few glasses in but thats ok. this wouldve happened anyway i just thought about him for too long#and by 'thought about him for too long' i simply saw the phrase 'charles xavier is left all alone' and i lost it#i dont have anything significant to say i just want charles to have a good day thats all i want. let my beautiful wife be happy ONCE#ok back to drawing silly shit maybe ill fefel normal afterwards. maybe ill delete this in the morning#just needed to remind ths website i love charles and i feel weirdly inclined to rewatch the proteus episodes of 92#those are some of my faves ... for whatever reason ...#ok bye bye
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just need to give a shoutout to all the people who interact w me or the things i make on here for the love and good vibes. twitter's been pissing me off the past couple days and i just think it reaffirms i'll never really leave tumblr bc the fandom culture here is just so much.. more lol
#more respectful funnier more loving more fun in a lot of ways#getting lectured by ppl years younger than me abt why posting shit without credit is ok when its like#all the best and most fun fandom spaces are dying#ppl are growing up sure but all these ppl are like 'i used to make gifs so heres why ur wrong' and its like#oh you USED to? well whyd u stop ? bc the effort level wasnt worth it just to be#saved and reposted w ill intent or not get any interaction like its so#everything is abt a race for interaction on the dumbest n most unoriginal jokes#its extremely frustrating to try to justify spendinf any time doing anything online anymore when ppl are so fcuking flippant like its crazy#'heres a shitty unsized n uncoloref gif i ran through some website and IM okay w ppl reposting' like lol#anyway when giffing dies itll be a sad fuckinf day to me jfkd truly a useless skill#but that means everyone still doing it is doing it for the love of the game or#the love of archival work and it makes ppl beinf so fuckinf disrespectful#or going to bat for nonsense seem so absurd to me like#really . really. if u have an option to share where it originally came from with one less click#ur gonna choose NOT to do that and instead repost just to insinuate the person who made it did it to insult someknes appearance#like. its just so.#fandom is dying and its so sad and etiquette is nowhere to be found so NXKKD gratefuo for the ppl gere#and sorry for the rant#none of thise matters but ive had an abundance of free time the past few says so ive been STEWING#mostly just want to say i love u all NDKKS and even if ive complained abt interaction its mostly just tbing website dying more than anything#which. is so sad lol#but i love everyone still here
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My relationship with my mom has come such a long way in the past few years only to come crashing down the second I try to do something nice for my dad and/or acknowledge that she is not the main character of the universe ://
#i tried to ask her if she wanted to get sushi with us for fathers day (48 hours away) and she said 'yeah unless something happens'#and i was like 'okay well the website says they wont seat us unless we're a full party' and she was like 'maybe ill make it maybe i wont'#then hung up on me#THEN texted me like 'just put me down for a no.. i cant decide this on less than a moments notice and you clearly dont want me there anyway#and 'thats the answer you wanted right? 😘'#fucking GOD FORBID i try to do something nice for my dad on FATHERS DAY after not being able to see him for several months#bc hes been flying to and from IL every couple of weeks to care for his dying father#and the saddest part is that for mothers day or her birthday or anything like that my dad is always the person bringing it up first#to my sister and me to make sure we can all plan something that will make her feel special and appreciated#and meanwhile my mom acts like a fucking toddler the second the attention is not on her for 2 seconds#'im tired and so busy and you gave me no time to decide' i literally would have given you a few hours to think about it if youd communicate#instead you passive aggressively imply i hate you because im doing something nice for someone else#ALSO you are not the only person on the goddamned planet that is busy and overwhelmed right now like are you KIDDING#i want to cry#personal
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Okay, no, sorry, I’m still mad about this. “Be critical of the media you consume and examine why you react to it in the way that you do, support marginalized and stigmatized identities.” Yeah, until it’s about mental illness.
A woman (or even man, if he’s deemed over-emotional) makes music about suffering from mental illness and people just go, “What are they complaining about, that’s so immature, hashtag wangst.” (And then, sometimes, inexplicably, if the mentally ill woman gets better and writes happier music, they then talk about how artistically bankrupt she is now and that she should go back to hating herself.) People LOVE cis white pRoBLeMaTiC (straight) fictional men until they are realistically mentally ill, in which case they’re “whiny” and “insufferable” and deserve to die violently, apparently (or, if fandom is merciful, they’re ignored). (And then they celebrate when they DO inevitably get killed off.) “Do your duty and watch [thing I, mc13, personally find insufferable] For The (white) Gays because it has Gays.” Sure, will you watch c4 Pure, the ONLY show specifically about OCD, then? (No, the answer is no, it’s always no.)
I can’t get anyone to watch Doom Patrol. I couldn’t get people (in general-I did convince a few irl friends thank GOD) to watch Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. One of the most popular and acclaimed shows right now has a character with schizophrenia who was turned into the Big Bad Villain for no fucking reason. One of the most commonly-cited examples of Iconic™ queer media involves a mentally ill man being broken over and over and over again before The Ship™ can reasonably happen. DW introduced a major character who was at one point suffering from mental illness in her past, AND THEN ALL MENTION OF THIS WAS COMPLETELY DROPPED IN THE FUTURE, WITH NO BEARING ON ANYTHING TO THE POINT WHERE I FORGOT IT EVEN EXISTED??!?!? R*tched was a thing that existed despite the Sad Sympathetic Backstory treatment being IN DIRECT CONTRADICTION OF WHAT PURPOSE THIS CHARACTER SERVED IN One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. THEY GAVE. A SAD WOOBIE VILLAIN TREATMENT. TO THE /LITERAL PERSONIFICATION/ OF ABLEISM. THAT IS HER FUNCTION. TO EXIST AS A SYMBOL OF ALL THE WAYS SOCIETY OPPRESSES THE DISABLED AND MENTALLY ILL.
I am!!! Literally!!!!! The only one!!!!!!!!! Complaining about these things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE ONLY ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No one else has said ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No one is talking about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so tired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#*OBLIGATORY COMMENT ABOUT HOW REPRESENTATION/FICTIONAL DISABILITY IS NOT THE END ALL BE ALL OF ACTIVISM*#*OTHER OBLIGATORY COMMENT ABOUT HOW LIKING '''pRoBLeMaTiC''' CONTENT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON OR A HORRIFYING ABLEIST*#THIS WAS JUST ME GETTING MAD IT'S NOT THAT DEEP#In the Vents#the real horror was the ableism we found along the way#like. in some of these cases yes I /KNOW/ it was not meant to come across like that!!! but y'all accept that as a valid type of media#criticism when it's about anything else!!!!!!!! just not this apparently????!?!!!!#I do not understand how there is such an ABYSMAL treatment of the subject of mental illness in fiction when this is the#memetic Mental Illness Website like genuinely I do not get it I am scaling my walls and banging pots and pans and growling like a rabid dog#IF YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT THE MESSAGE A STORY IS TELLING YOU GOTTA APPLY IT HERE TOO#I AM ALSO THE LAST PERSON TO SAY THAT YOU'VE GOTTA ADD A DISCLAIMER OF SOMETHING'S LAUNDRY LIST OF FLAWS BEFORE YOU TALK ABOUT IT#BUT JESUS FUCKING CHRIST YOU HAVE TO ACKNOWLEDGE ON SOME LEVEL EVEN IF IT'S JUST TO YOURSELF THAT THINGS HAVE FLAWS#YOU'VE GOTTA BE AWARE OF SHIT#WHEN WILL WE HAVE THE OUTCRY OVER BURY YOUR DISABLED THAT WE DO OVER BYG (WHICH IS ALSO BAD BTW)#I GUARANTEE YOU WE WON'T BE GETTING A SEPARATE FUCKING CON OVER FANDOM OUTCRY THAT'S FOR SURE#I'm making a rule: if you can prove to me that you've started cxgf after reading this and/or if you can prove to me#that you've watched pure (channel 4/hbo max-the one with charly clive) I'll write a fic for you#let's see if I get sniped for criticizing both the beloved sacred mads show AND the plane crash girls show#if I see ONE more comment about how either of those is a perfect show that Gets What All The People Want I will in fact spontaneously#combust.#(and before you @ me yes I have any and all permutations of show tags blocked I'm not just being mean to be mean)#my god remember what happened the last time I tried to talk about this a;lsdfkajs;ldfkj#good thing I turned off anonymous asks!!#this is not even getting into some of the SMALLER fandoms#like I do not ever want to think about the takes I saw for ctrlz EVER again
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also uh im kind of not thinking about it much because its insane. but if everything goes right (and i mean a considerable amount of things that probably wont go as planned) but if they DO... i will have a major surgery in like two weeks
#vertical sleeve gastrectomy to be exact insert nerd emoji here#i might document a lot of whats going on with it and even take some videos honestly#not to share here other than some oversharing text posts about probably constipation LMAO#but like no one shares whats it like to be mentally ill and go thru vsg and like the process and not many people as young as me get it#feels weird calling myself young on the chronically 13 year old website#but anyone that does post about it posts for like a year and then falls off the face of the earth#genuinely there are so many youtubers that start talking about this stuff#then you find their channel three years deserted and its like man.#i sure hope this means you found better ways to spend your time#and like okay time to get sappy and corny as hell in the notes so go ahead and skip this part idk who even reads my notes hello#but basically everyones that gets this shit is like you gotta find your why#and most of them have kids or like a husband or plans to travel the world or do better at their job#and none of those things really apply to me#i kind of have the perfect storm for being fat#i dont do anything work wise that encourages any kind of movement#im chronically afraid of planes and i cant afford that shit anyways rn#also not very good at romance LOL and never want kids and my entire family is also fat barring my brother#thats not to absolve myself of any of the blame for this shit either like i know i put myself in this situation#i just think like wow my life is pretty much perfect for staying fat but i DONT WANT THAT#I want the highlight of my week to be more than eating takeout man#i want to live life instead of meal to meal to something better#idk what yet maybe jewelery piece to jewelery piece#i could do some serious kandi making while im down for the count#but i dunno man my therapist tells me that in order to feel like a person and not get tired of life i have to do people things and#participate in life yknow?#and its hard to do things like go to the gym talk to people explore fashion styles when i have this overloomingness of being fat#so i guess that could be my why? like i want to experience more of life#i want to be able to walk in a mall and look at all the stores. i want to walk in a mall period. cause it fucking hurts the way i am now#thats all to say the actual “why” that i have is Goddamn it i want to be able to jump from a swing#and not break my fucking ankles
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#flowers arts#Whys he saying this shit#UNRELATED IF I HAD A website i could say this about myself Because its really funny. Shut up stickfigure. Ill kill you#You can only be annoying on websites youve made because then they cant say anything. ITS THE TRUTH!#i dont think i posted this but its IMPORTANT
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not to be a little bit self obsessed but i just reread one of my wips and AOUGH....... i dont remember if the double meaning was intended but god....
"It takes a great deal of trust to lose it like that in front of someone, and Gatsby likes to think Nick would do the same if it were him.
(He thinks back to tea with Daisy. How anxious he’d gotten that he’d rather run out into the rain than to face her, and how Nick had *still* let him in.)
He decides to stay the night."
like. yes nick still let gatsby in after he ran outside and got Soaked, but he still. let him in. nick saw gatsby at what was, at that point, his worst, soaked to the bone and terrified at the notion of seeing the woman hes been obsessing over for 5 years again, and nick still let him in. he let him into his house, he let him into his life, enough to trust him enough to have a *panic attack* in front of him.
and realizing this, gatsby spends the night. its the little things, like your neighbor letting you back inside after you run away, but its also the big things; like your friend *trusting you* to see him at his worst after hes seen you at yours.
this might also be the moment gatsby realizes hes in love with nick but were not there yet
#IM SO INCREDIBLY REGULAR ABOUT THESE TWO. ITS BEEN EXACTLY 3 MONTHS BTW.#styx says#snippets#and the poor get laid off#fun fact this fic was Also gonna just be a one shot and then it turned into this. this is like the 3rd or 4th chapter idk yet but. augh#erm uh. i havent worked on anything in a while cuz unfortunately for me life is happening all at once rn BUT hopefully in a few weeks ill#have Something done. maybe.#erm uh. sorry if this ends up in tags btw. it Shouldnt but tumblrs a shitty website so i wouldnt be surprised. looks at my gay people pleas#nick even says a slur in this chapter..... 2 actually... pspsps.... sdhfjs sorry. anyhow
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if i had the ability to scream id wanna scream in happiness rn
#lmao anyway i got a part time job now!! im excited!!!#ill probably be less excited once uni starts again but thats not important lol#i applied monday night. got a call yesterday morning/early afternoon asking if i was available for an interview. interview today#emailed a few hours later w a job offer. COMPANY WEBSITE PROFILE SAYS HIRED#anyway ig the hack is to NOT do practice interviews and to be honest but also stretch the truth and bs some questions for what seems right#also my interviewer really liked hearing about my high school's freshman program (older students being like their high school guide)#future (aka tomorrow) amber will have to deal with cancelling the interview i scheduled for a different application and withdrawing my other#applications bc i dont want to be offered anything else atm lol#(excited this is part time since im doing full enrollment w 17 units at uni + an internship i need to put 6-8 hours per week in starting#in august but i wanted a job that i could do long term (or semi long term) bc a consistent income would be nice)#anyway pray for me ill be working retail for the first time ever but im actually excited bc i dont mind the idea of retail work#amber's shit you can ignore
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FUCK YES ! my dorm will have a stovetop. never been more hyped
#i thought it'd only have a rice cooker and a microwave. i cannot believe how lucky i am rn#im a fucking stovetop local. the majority of foods i make for myself are on a stovetop i dont fuck with anything else#ill make something from scratch over an instant noodle im just so addicted to stovetops#HOLY SHIT A BALCONY#dude theres a little balcony#omg even a tv... im gonna watch horrible gameshows and kids tv#japanese free to air is so funny#we watched some people playing go one time. live streamed. fuckin hours long deliberations between moves#earnestly and excitedly narrated#the measurements on the website keep saying its 20 by 20 meters in total. which is just untrue. the picture is showing me a very skinny#rectangle#'communal living space' cool. im going to be watching reruns of versus arashi if thats cool with yall
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i think luffy's dad fucked that crocodile
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grazing past supernatural drama that would have been ur whole day 3 years ago...we call that healing 🙏
#sam haters are the funniest people on this website. they will say anything#to be fair ill say anything about dean but im always right. cant be helped!
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it's something I've noticed for a long time now, but it really feels like a big aspect of tumblr culture is meddling with posts and twisting them through reblogs as far away from their original intention as possible, whether anyone meant to or not
#hunter when he says anything#not neg! its just something I havent really seen pointed out. actually#there has been the 'you cant say anything on this website' reblogs which are a similar phenomenon#but what I mean is that on my dash Ill see a post thats starts off like 'I got up to eat breakfast but I dropped my cereal on the floor'#then like 4 or more of the shared reblogs down will be one thats like 'I cant wait for the thing to kill us both.'
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#its dumb of me but a few days ago i went with his deadname on google to see if i could see more stuff about his dead#since his friends who were alqo supposed to be my friends did a 'ceremony' together without telling me#even tho i rly wanted to go to be able to grief and to cry it out properly#so since i havent been able to grieve well i did that. search for his deadname. i just wanted to know#and i found out that a page for him was made on the tdor website. there were a ton of details on what was happening#before and after his death#many things i didnt know about. because i was a shit friend and never kept contact. and also because he was secretivz#i feel awful since then. who was i to him. why couldnt i help him. why am i even sorry for myself. he was the one suffering#i keep crying and i cant sleep at night without reading comics until i feel too tired to open my eyes#because otherwise im thinking too much about him. its just too awful. too unjust#i have. weird cravings for alcohol. ive never even drinked much before. im scared of starting to get addicted#but sometimes i wanna get somethibg anything and just drink until i pass out since people say its good to forget#i wish he were still alive. i wish i could hug him and help him. i wish id visited him in the hospital after his 1st mental breakdown#he had sent me a text to tell me he was there but i had work and i was tired and honestly too lazy to go. and now i regret it so bad#its all so unfair. death is so unfair. grief is so unfair. i was afraid i had no heart before because people who died around me didnt#phase me much. i didnt cry. but now that ive experienced the deaths of 2 actually very close people counting one i couldnt grieve forproper#i just wish i had no emotions. that i wouldnt cry when i think of them. but especially him.#and i cant stop thinking about how awful ill be when my parents die. ill be a wreck.#im just crying in my bed and its 4am. everythibg sucks. im so sorry to everyone whos ever met me. im awful#negative /#death m /#suicide m /
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Yknow what makes me reaentful? How ive been sexually abused so much growing up, no one did shit besides shove me off to a therapist, ive been promised by feminist spaces that ill have a place to heal within them, and as soon as my abusive ex tries to smear me and project their behavior on to me by accusing me of doing that shit too, all the sudden everyone acts suspicious, and i still dont get any of that promised healing. Its hard not to feel like my ex did this intentionally to prevent me from having a space to heal. And its my issue with the "believe victims" narrative because it seems to me like people dont actually want to believe victims but to believe the victims they *like* and *agree more with politically*. If people can just say whatever about someone and you feel obligated to believe them because "believe victims", its very clearly going to be exploited by abusive people, and while i dont think we should stop per se, we need to have some sort of actual system to vet who is and isnt telling the truth, like a pseudo-courtroom. At the very least let everyone and their side of the story actually be heard. Bc idk how you guys plan to believe two victims at once who are accusing eachother other than throwing your hands up and picking one or deciding that we're both bad, which doesnt seem very fair to me since people seem to looove demonizing me for no discernable reason.
#anyways ive lost faith in feminist spaces in actually being a place to heal#it kinda just feels like cliques to me dawg.#maybe it used to be sorta healing but i never actually got to find a support system or anything anywhere.#like idk man. maybe the reason ppl go to the right is bc yall are cutthroat and do everything based on vibes.#if i cant even get help and healing from yall like you promise whats the feminism label even for besides for spreading awareness?#because i feel like ill always be excluded because i dont fit the recquired aesthetic.#there needs to be a space for dudes to go to heal too. and id ideally not have to go to one of the mra type spaces.#idk but im just disenchanted with this whole movement. so many unfulfilled promises.#too many terfs infiltrating it also.#im left out in the cold and no one cares and everyone pretends to care about victims but cant even bring themselves to image that i#was the one who was victimized. why should i rely on these spaces at all. its clear yall favor the more fem person in any situation#like this.#also unrelated but related this website is trash and most people on here suck so fucking much.#the mostly cliquey cutthroat spaces for being so 'caring' like you like to think yourselves as.#'oh well we have to be careful so just in case we're gonna kick you out!!' oh really#is that the feminism you were talking about?#youll leave me out on the streets based on a rumor? and if you find out theyre lying then what will you do? are you gonna come over to me#weeping about how you shouldnt have believed them and how sorry you are? bc chances are ill already be dead from starving#but yknow. believe whatever anyone says about someone else. sorry i meant victims*#itd be so so funny to me if someone came up to me with that justification for why they ostracized me and then be like 'how can you be mad!#i didnt know better!! you cant be mad at people for not knowing better >:(' the hell i fucking cant lmao!#yall perpetuated a narrative about me to actively grind my name in the dirt. and im not allowed to be mad?#yall ostracized and excluded me from spaces i need to rely on for community and healing.#yall did nothing for me and threw me in the fucking trash. yeah. i think im allowed to be upset with you and want you to go fuck yourself.#if you believed them and found out theyre a liar. cool. leave me the fuck alone though. go make a post about it and try to rectify the#situation you contributed to you pos.#yknow. maybe itd be one thing if you believed them and i didnt do anything and you apologized.#its a WHOLE OTHER FUCKING THING. WHEN YOU BELIEVE THEM. IM INNOCENT. AND *IM*THE ONE WHO WAS#SEXUALLY ABUSED AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSED TO THE FUCKING MOON AND BACK. and then think an apology is enough.#like go fuck yourself. ive been alone with this trauma this whole time you pieces of shits.
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😖
#you know when ur so into a thing you cant even watch/read it cause you keep getting too excited or happy and having to take breaks#in other words yea im watching sentinel again how could you tell#i was the same reading monstrous regiment i had to stop reading and take a walk every few pages cause i kept being too happy or whatever#and dreamboy too actually? id pause it and scroll an app for a while so i could like process the emotions or whatever#yea a lot of its also to do with my fesr of running out of The Thing that happens with everything i like#but a big part of it is also just aagh like liking it too much and having to process it for a sec#theres just something so endearing about this series idk why#i think its special cos it feels so exclusive since its so hard to find#but also its a 90s series and i never rly watched a lot of those#reminds me of spn in some ways too and you know that shaped my psyche growing up and all#eeeee it just takes me forever to watch/read/listen to anything cause i have to take breaks to walk around and flail my hands and stuff#id say this is embarrassing but this is the Special Interests website so i dont think ill be criticized for likinh a thing too much#my post#the ep im watching now (s3ep19) is so fucking. friendship is magic shit im gonna CRY#stupid showwwwwww#also its got the endearing factor of early-internet fandom yk#like fansites and terminology i havent even heard before! and like everything feels so different from how its nowadays its so incredible
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