#ignore me im totally fine im fine
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yuusha didn’t have anything else to wear so💥
#girl stop looking at me like that#the way i draw yuusha’s braid so inconsistently#anyways uhhhhh#unintentional sequel to my jamil art this morning???#or honestly this can be considered a totally separate incident#make up your own conclusions i guess because i dont know myself 😔#i just wanted to draw her in jamil’s sweater 😔💪#[—✦-#-✧ my art#twst art#twisted wonderland#twst#twst yuu#twst yuusona#(💜) yuusha#-✦—]#also-#it’s daylight savings here#which means our clock went back one hour#im eepy but cant eep#but also it may be because i steeped my tea for longer than i shouldve#my heart is. palpitating#(and the coffee this morning prob also contributed uhhhhh)#this is all jade’s fault#i’m FINE yall can ignore this fjdndjsj#lil lore update by me
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so unfair i'm on my third playthrough and only for the first time i see a romance-only option added into a dialogue like this (that wasn't just between rook and their romanced companion)
#and by unfair i mean there should have been more of it overall#i dont think lucanis or davrin had anything like that when i talked with either of them and some other companion beside them??#(and i dont mean party banter when rook can't add anything only hears them. that still happened only a few times...)#emmrich romance will truly be the best huh ;-;#like good for him.. but its so sad that both the lucanis and davrin romances were just so.. lacking? they were good. great even#but... buuuut!!!#emmrich is just on a whole another level. he immediately starts calling Rook Dear and Darling. like ?? im fine ;-; this is fine#dragon age#emmrich#emmrich volkarin#rook#rook x emmrich#emmrook#mine#datv#da4#da4 spoilers#datv spoilers#just in case i guess#maybe there would be a similar addition in a different scene if i locked their romances earlier? but something tells me there wouldnt be..#even that one totally bonus date scene with emmrich.. why couldnt they write one for davrin as well?? he deserves to have more story about-#just him or him & rook... uhh anyway#im kinda rushing through this playthrough ignoring lot of other companions and sidequests beside emmrich & grey warden stuff#im curious who will not make it in the end
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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you know 99% of the time i get nice, totally reasonable, polite, and frequently kind asks on bearotonin. but every now and then i get some asks that just make me wanna reply snarkily so badly lmao
#the weird shit people send me#like unsolicited 'helpful suggestions' about how to run my blog better#or 'concerns' about the way i run it or some of the photos i post#and it takes a significant amount of self control not to be snarky#because i am not allowed to break brand continuity#but like#people really gotta learn that it's not cute or helpful to come into a stranger's inbox and critique/suggest they run their blog differentl#and i get that most of these (admittedly not that many but still frequent enough) asks are probably not meant to be obnoxious#like i'm sure the person who sent them doesn't have bad intentions#and probably just doesn't realize what they're doing is irritating and a basic etiquette no no#but it's still annoying#sometimes people just gotta learn to keep their opinions to themselves#not every opinion should be shared#just being clear 99.9% of the many asks i get are totally fine and nice#but because i get a fuckload of asks the 0.1% of annoying asks i get is substantial enough to get annoying and tiresome#don't mind me im just vague post venting here as a stress relief so i don't reply snarkily on bearotonin#okay im done ranting now#please ignore me lmao#Posts about bearotonin
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mildly panicking because no one will respond to me but it’s FIIIIINE WE’RE CHILLING
#vent post#turnip has a weird way of venting ok#as yes my unbearable trust issues and constant need for attention#i could make this rlly emo but im not going to lmoa#i sent my group chat a picture of a kirby lego i made#and one guy responded i’m dyeing my hair#so i was like EPIC and then sent another kirby lego#and they ignored me#im fine im sane we’re totally ok here <3
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'Be the Jason Todd author you want to see in the world' the mantra I repeat into the broken mirror above my nightstand
#yapping#am i do something here?#im proud of a lot of my work but sometimes i feel like anything with jason todd in it will get likes#idk this is just the highs and lows of writing#ignore me ill get back to work soon 💛#ahhhh its cool and totally fine
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So I started watching btvs in 2020 and spuffy especially really got me through a lot during that time. I maybe watched the show 40-50 times in a 3 year span but this week three separate details from season 6 ABOUT SPIKE have been brought to my attention and I fear every rewatch I have just been entirely too horny and distracted just staring at James to properly pay attention to his performance and process everything he’s got going on 💀😭💀😭💀
#SORRY I WAS STARING AND NOT LISTENING POOKIE 😭#as someone who has been on the receiving end of this and hated it IM UPSET#although james loves being hot so it’s fine but still lol#WHAT A CLICHE I AM#I am bi so it’s actually probably getting so much of sarah and james TOGETHER that overloaded my brain lol#I was paying attention to Buffy and everything she was feeling totally missed some very important spike moments#this might unless a new meta monster in me lol#spuffy#spike btvs#spuffy season 6#james marsters#at least I was hyper focused on the girl I guess? lots of people focus only on the man’s perspective and ignore the girls bc of internalized#misogyny so slay for me I guess but I’m just so shocked I love that man how could I have missed things
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Keyleth tries to interrupt Ludinus doing his evil stuff -> Power Word Stun on Keyleth -> very very deadly attack barrage on stunned Keyleth -> Vax appears in a swoosh of raven feathers deflecting a (probably?) deadly blow -> "Don't even dare" -> Ludinus needed a "divine spark" and had prepared for this -> Vax gets laser focused by magic machine bullshittery -> Vax gets compressed into an orb/sphere -> orb Vax gets inserted into the machine as the last piece Ludinus needed to activate it -> something happened but we're not sure yet what we'll have to wait at least until next week for more info
hope it helps :)
OKAY
THIS IS FINE
god the person in the notes on that post saying this was just like how vax died but in reverse was R I G H T and i hate it
(for those who don't remember or didn't watch THAT fight. campaign vax did not perma die bc of his deal with the raven queen. his end of campaign death was just a formal goodbye bc he was already dead. his actual death happened in the first fight with vecna. when he got hit with a 22DC hold person he couldn't physically break out of. and being under hold person, means that disintegrate automatically hits. and if disintegrate takes your hit points below 0, you are not only dead, you can't be revived by any spell except for true res, which is the only resurrection spell the raven queen does not allow)
(and technically, disintegrate was cast on him twice, before it took effect. bc keyleth saved him the first time)
#both of my roommates are out tonight which im very glad of#bc while i love them and they both follow this blog so they would not judge me#i do not need to explain right now why i keep yelling and going THIS IS! FINE! out loud#but also AAAAAAHHHHH#MATTHEW MERCER. YOU TAKE GOOD CARE OF MY BOY. OR IM COMING FOR YOUR EXPENSIVE MAP PARTS. AND YOUR MINIS. AND YOUR LIGHTS.#FUCK IT ALSO YOUR FOG MACHINE#anyway hiiii m&k if you see this im totally fine i promise#did not yell any of the above out loud either#sbahdhaydjdnusbdjd#i may have to watch these episodes but im gonna wait to hear what happens first#bc like. if vax is okay. i will love this. if he is perma dead dead soul too im sorry i will simply be ignoring it#bc my heart can't take that#cr spoilers#ask
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people are really so weird and so fatphobic huh
(and oops most of my commentary is in the tags XD)
#people really out here acting like some chocolate is gonna kill you#idk maybe you should check how stats and data actually work and not just blindly trust things that get it wrong and such#because hate to break it to ya but increased risk does not equal absolute risk#it just increases the risk which is normally only by a small margin and doesnt mean anything in reality because it doesn't mean that it's#absolutely 100% going to happen that's not what risk or increased risk means#anyway this reminds of when a friend of mine took part in a study#and they were like oh yeah you have a 6% chance of a heart attack in the next 10 years#they asked if they lost weight would that decrease by a lot and the person was like uhh by like 1% it's really not the big deal everyone#makes it out to be people are just fatphobic because that's the society we've built that at all times you must be skinny#or you aren't worth anything or worse when people act like you're such a strain on the system#and that you dont deserve to have healthcare like i will scream#everyone needs to stop being so damn weird about it!!!!!!!!!!#it's literally fine it's so literally fine#you know actually thinking about increased risk with alcohol and smoking - to which is totally your choice and up to you btw#i knew someone who smoked like a chimney and drank like a fish and lived to his 70s and died of something completely unrelated#increased risk is just that increased by a certain percentage which is like not a lot in the grand scheme of things to really put it into#perspective when you have like 1 in 100 chance and the increased risk is 100% that just raises it to 2 in 100 which yes is just 1% to 2%#i will scream when people act like food is going to kill you - especially when it gets so bad people act like fruit is bad for you because#of sugar like i will cry i will start sobbing because all of this is why im pretty sure most people have disordered eating#if not full on eating disorders and that's the real concern how our attitudes make people change their behaviours and develop mental health#conditions because society is just so insistent on this one issue that you can't escape it's bad it's so bad and i hope one day#we get past all this and people can just live how they want without others getting on their backs#fatphobic people are the reason why so many people i know think they're worthless and ugly and i just that's so upsetting to me and yes yes#there's the major issues like doctors ignoring symptoms in favour of just lose weight! and then just send people into the world with 0 help#in that oh and oops now they've got an eating disorder when the problem in the first place was not weight <.<#and even if it was (which it rarely ever is) it's like okay where's the help then because there is no help and then study after study is#like oh btw dieting doesnt work lol and then what do you do what do you do im gonna start screaming hdfghsdfg#anyway sorry these tags are long im just so tired and so frustrated at the world and i hope one day people get over themselves
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Okay after freaking out about alhaitham it’s time to be neurotic again that girl is freaking me out sm :D
#like bro I don’t understand wallah I don’t#I’m so confused and it’s literally ruining everything#dora daily#AND I NEVER SAY WALLAH ABOUT ANYTHING THIS IS HOW BAD ITS RUINING ME AAAAAAH#on one hand she’s ignoring me on the other she isn’t and she genuinely doesn’t see any of my posts#on the other she just forgot#ALL OF WHICH ARE SHIT OPTIONS#IT ISNT FAIR#i even tried liking her posts to show her yo I’m alive in case she didn’t see#I TRIED SENDING HER AN ASK ABOUT SOMETHING WEEKS AGO AND SHE DIDNT REPLY#I am trying so freaking hard and it is not working#and it’s fucking me up because what the fuck did I even do man#I didn’t do anything different#why do people ALWAYS do this I don’t fucking get it#it would’ve been much kinder if she just dropped me from the beginning when I was so hesitant with her#before I got so attached because what she’s doing right now is literally not only torture but so incredibly cruel#like I was getting obsessed with this one girl at work once but she ghosted me relatively early on in the very beginning stages of my#obsession coming into fruition and guess what IM TOTALLY FINE WITH IT NOW#BUT SHE LET THE RELATIONSHIP DEVELOP FOR MONTHS#then introduced a third party then now she doesn’t even acknowledge me#she is making me sewerslidal and it’s literally ruining everything#any time I would try to study I think of her and it freaks me out#every time I try to focus I think of her and it freaks me out#even when I go to sleep bro#like 8 ish weeks ago or so it literally was making me so messed up that if I hadn’t gone outside for a necessary out of uni task then my dad#taking me sight seeing in said area I genuinely don’t know what would have happened#because the level of rage I felt or whatever it was#was the most insane form of genuine torture ever#THIS WHOLE POST SEEMS NEUROTIC AND I’m just like I don’t even know anymore man#but what do I even do atp like bro
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The thoughts are thoughting extra today
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being at the point im at w/ recovering from surgery is so weird cause i feel so normal and fine until something is above my head and i literally cant reach it rn cause im not supposed to pick my arms up or carry things over ten pounds and suddenly im like oh right its only been 3 weeks asgds
#everything ive read said i should still be sore and hobbling around in. pain but i was like FINE after a week im just annoyed#because im being careful just cause. and so im like dreamy u could totally grab that box but also what if....#sfnsjisfs anyway ignore me im just mumbling#its also why i havent been on as much#all the things i used t odistract myself have become hyper fixations lol
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Idc abt being tmi but I think I just have irregular periods now
#naegi.txt#totally fine with me bc i get to ignore it#bc it makes my gender dysphoria and general self confidence shoot way down low#like oh right im Born Like This
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#so close to just. losing it and writing out a horrifically long rant post abt how much i hate job searching#and how i wasted four years on a degree and no jobs want me bc there is literally nothing stand out abt me and im literally just stuck#in the same retail job i felt stuck in five years ago#and im just. completely fucking useless#i went through four years at university and i cant even write a cover letter let alone get a fucking job#i fucking hate job searching i hate being in retail i hate being the family disappointment#idk how much longer i can stand it before i just give up and succumb to just. being in retail the rest of my life#anyways#so much for the 'im not gonna rant im just gonna get a few thoughts out'#anyways im totally fine#ignore me#incoherent rambling
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I am so high I love you dabs I love you big bong rips I love you huge heavy bong I love you only having 20 dollars to my name and no plans but getting high and ignoring it I love you oh no I’m thinking about it
#I want to take an ice cold shower and scream and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and lock myself in a closet for 72 hours in the dark with#no distractions to figure out what I actually want to do with the rest of my life and to face every bad thought I have and struggle to#ignore even years later like ugh I just need to be at the bottom of the ocean floating sinking alive dead in between for like a month and#then pull me back up and either I’ll be normal or I’ll be so fucked up they just put me back in there#like either way I am vibing at the bottom of the ocean (I have been desperately imaging a sensory deprivation tank all day)#(put me in a fucking sensory deprivation tank until something in my fucking brain rewires and I get worse or better than I am now this#inbetween stage is fucking killing me like what do you mean I’m not a horrible person but also what do you mean I struggle every day but I’m#normal but I have things about me other people don’t and alienate me to the point of near total isolation but also this is just how humans#are and I need to take meds and actively struggle to fit into a perfect little box of what a person should be like god damn I am so tired of#getting better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and I’m miserable and I’m happy and I’m sobbing and#I know a month from now I’ll be depressed again or I’ll be the best I’ve ever been and it’s so fucking horrible to be in the middle stage#where I actually have to step up and admit shit is wrong and face it like why can’t I just lay in bed forever until I become the bed and not#like get a job and have a future. ugh. depression is so fucked esp bc most things in my life are normal I guess or like easier than my#friends like we all have seperate challenges but I’m the only one still living off their parents (ha. parent. forgot for a second.) and the#only thing wrong with my life is the mental health issues but I won’t step up and deal with it bc I feel like I’ve been depressed for so#long I like fucked up the foundational shit and like I know it’s fine but also I feel so behind and I feel like I’ll be behind and unhappy#forever even when im happy I know the next depressive episode is right around the corner and I give up again. ugh. I hate knowing that’s#what’s wrong with me but still not having the energy to step up and fix it. im so pathetic I want to cry. my brain is me but my brain is#destroying my life. anyways. im high and now im sad and have dry mouth. I think im gonna drink ice water and change into shorts+lay in bed)
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So, I've been working on my OC's again, and honestly I'm just having such a fun time flushing them out into (hopefully) believable humans~~
Annddd, not that I expect anyone to really care, but if I was gonna share them, and you were going to care, what would you guys want to see first?
#waterfallpolls#waterfalltalks#If you guys don't care thats totally fine!!#also just a side note: i feel so weird saying 'you guys'#like as if i have? an audience? like- hadjsidsak it always feels a bit weird to me hahaha#but at the same time i like having a lil place here#to put my insanity and sometimes people like that#ANYwaYS back to the point of this#if you DO care and DO have a preference please feel free to vote!!#or comment/dm/send an ask if theres anything in particular u wanna add#just generally not sure how people go about this#im also WELL aware my guys are a lil new#not fully flushed out and definitely not gonna be some peoples thing#so if you wanna ignore this please go ahead <333#idk why im anxious suddenly haha#please forgive my insanity in these tags <3#thank you to anyone who reaches out/replies to the poll#even if the reply is just 'idc about ur ocs please get back to fandoms'#(and i promise- for those of you who ARE waiting for content)#(there WILL be fandom content coming too)#(soon as The Braincell decides to power on again~~)
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