#if you ask me how mentally ill i am
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How to make a Basil suffer tutorial 101
Step1:Make it a one sided sunflower with any other sunny ship and make it very hard for Basil to move on from it
Step 2:Give him the hanahaki disease
Step 3: suffer profit.
fun useless fact
i was obsessed with hanahaki disease
still am
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Oops. It's a second headcanon compilation!
Don't worry, the next one will be back to our normal schedule of regular text posts and not headcanons
Masterpost
#Dark Meta Knight#Shadow Kirby#Meta Knight#Kirby#King Dedede#Daroach#marx kirby#Magolor#Bandana Waddle Dee#Bandana Dee#Marx#Kirby series#kirby headcanons#text post meme#text post memes#disability headcanon#okay I wanted a particularly exhausted Dedede so I snagged him from triple deluxe#i just think Dedede would have chronic pain from. you know. getting torn in half that one time#before you come after me for Magolor's panel: I do not think ocd and intrusive thoughts make you do bad things#I just think he already had it and the Master Crown made it worse (via lingering magic from the possession)#i dunno how mental illnesses work in aliens that use magitech#I had a lot more here but I decided I'm not going to continue rambling in the tags#I can expand on any of these headcanons at any moment if you want feel free to ask#also I saved that Kirby one for last because I thought it would hit with oomph#she speks#she speks originale#she edits#yes I'm working on the masquerade I am just obsessed with making text post memes
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I decided to start talking about Wick and Rocky's relationship because I like their dynamics too, I like seeing Wick scared of Rocky and Rocky being aggressive with him, which is unusual because Rocky is rarely aggressive with anyone, but of course Wick is an exception to rule
Also my mini opinion about their possible relationship, I think that if Rocky didn't have to fight for his place, then he and Wick could become friends, or at least tolerate each other a little, I also see some superficial similarities, their gentlemanly and romantic natures, and their common love for explosions (remembering the quarrymen chapter), but this is my assumption, I think that I don't understand the characters' personalities well, so I can be wrong in this assumption, something like that. So, what do you think about their relationship?
for starters, i cannot thank you enough for this ask! as iāve said previously, i have many thoughts on these two, so itās nice to finally be able to share some of them. although given the extent to which i think about them, i apologize in advance if this is sloppy and sort of everywhere ā¦ while iāll try to structure things the best i can, i cannot promise iāll succeed! but hopefully this is an enjoyable reply nonetheless.
one of my favorite things about rocky and wickās relationship is absolutely how aggressive rocky is towards the aristocrat ; he is prone to glares and cruel jokes and borderline hissing whenever the man is within his line of sight, or can be brought to a wailing-fit over the mere mention of his name from miss mās mouth. there is a childishness to it, but a very prominent threat as well in spite of rockyās usual incompetence. so he goes out of his way to posture around wick, readily lying and adorning himself with the gangster drapes he so badly wants to wear, in the hopes that it intimidates ā¦ will even badmouth wickās family and make fun of his name and rock related obsession to mitzi, and so on so forth! yet all of this is very reminiscent of schoolyard bullying rather than anything too severe, though we as the audience understand rather quickly that rocky would bash wickās head in with a tire iron if he could. ( translation : if it wouldnāt earn the tears or hate of a certain beloved mitzi may ) and itās all very intense despite the absence of actual violence! and i understand why many fans see this as unusual for rocky and believe that itās only wick who makes him act so aggressively, but iād argue it isnāt really wick at all that prompts such scary reactions from him ā¦ and that rocky is a deeply angry character whoās a.) been boiling quietly for a long, long time and b.) has turned wick into a punching bag of sorts for this inner world of resentment and hurt. basically, when heās judging the well-to-do or poking fun, his eyes donāt look at wick and actually acknowledge him as sedgewick sable ; instead this is a being, something vague and metaphorical, who threatens to upseat rockyās permanence in the lackadaisy and steal away his savior, and heās had a hand in the violinistās misfortune for a long time.
obviously, rocky doesnāt think wick robbed him of his family twice over and made him homeless, but he is channeling the fear and anguish of those events into his loathing for wick, if that makes sense? itās easier that way -- to finally have an outlet for everything bleeding inside of you, to be able to bite and claw at something without feeling conflicted or having to take personal accountability for your own mistakes ā¦ which is something that i think rocky does struggle with to a degree. he is sort of a finger pointer! his pain has to be worth something, it has to be for someone else ; spending years homeless and losing his last bit of family was for freckle, and the scrambling of his literal brain was for mitzi, and that means he canāt ever be angry with them! well, except that he is, somewhat, but he buries it deep down instead of feeling it. with freckle there is a sense of strain between them -- an air of āyou owe meā from rocky to freckle as he uses freckle to appease miss m, and he constantly pokes fun at his cousin too. itās lighter than his jabs at wick, but thereās a constant pestering, a reminder of how good freckle has it : how heās got the mom and the house and the job and the girl most notably. i donāt think rocky is intending to come across as mean, and to his credit he hardly does! but itās rather clear to me that some part of him, some hidden and deeply hurt part, is rather indignant about taking the fall for freckle all those years ago. which he canāt understand, because how could he? he made that choice, he decided to take accountability for something he didnāt do because he loves freckle and knows itād be so easy to believe this family tragedy was roarkās fault ; the devilish child he was, all troublesome and too broken to properly fit anywhere. so there is a disconnect born here, where rocky canāt comprehend that heād be angry at freckle, so instead these not so great feelings are placed elsewhere and silently boil over time. and with mitzi ā¦ i donāt think heās angry at her per se, but there is a frustrated and desperate chorus of : why him and why not me, when iām the one out here dying for you? which is certainly unpleasant. of course, rather than allowing those feelings to be more aimed at miss m, whom he feels unloved by, he ( again! ) represses these emotions and allows them to fester into his greatest fears and fantastical complexes. i think there is a lot of other miscellaneous anger he could have towards others too ā¦ perhaps some part of him is sore upon seeing ivyās normal lifestyle, watching her go to university and knowing thatās been taken from him. or an ache felt when hearing stories from zib and the band and how they used to travel successfully, living as nomads, and rocky is all too reminded of his similar lifestyle and how he couldnāt make it work as effortlessly. people with immense trauma are more prone to irrational anger and jealousy, to viewing everything around them as unfair and believing itās even more unjust that so many people get to live comfortably while theyāve suffered. a situation that gets more messy when youāre someone like rocky, a man whoās willingly made choices that have harmed himself and wants to continue on with his smiling, bumbling fool of an act. he does not want to be angry, does not want to see it within himself, i think, which leads to an accidental increase of it.
all of this is to reiterate that wick is a scapegoat for rocky and nothing more. itās why heās rather hypocritical whenever it concerns the man. for example, it was stated by tracy that he looks down upon wick for his excessive presence at the bar, yet he appears to enjoy hanging out with zib -- who drinks just as often! he makes fun of how all wick ever talks about is rocks, when he himself is prone to poetry rambles that people find irritating or boring, and etc etc. this is also just a human nature thing, to critique someone you heavily dislike and even going as far as to belittle things you love or do in your own day to day because you just hate them that bad! but given rockyās willingness to befriend anyone, it more so reeks of a dehumanization element. wick is every obstacle in his way, every divine force that threatens to send him packing again, so he is equal parts unnerved by wickās presence and angry about it. it is mostly a fear response we are seeing, an emotion thatās morphed into long held resentment and anger. so his actions are extremely defensive, with him trying to push wick far away and keep him and mitzi separate, like some sort of animal attempting to ward off a threat thatās come too close to their home. despite the loaded animosity there, this hate has hardly reached its peak ā¦ but it shall only grow more intense as things continue onward iām afraid, since as it stands ( in the comic at least ) rocky is at an all time low ā¦ and is ten times more desperate. iād honestly say wick has become so warped in his mindās eye that he can only strive towards āwinningā over the other man, because thatās all he can see anymore. i think mitzi implying that wick willingly helped her out, the intense head injury, and rockyās fragile emotional state is exactly what pushes him towards premeditated murder in look-see. i donāt know how people perceive that arc, but to me itās very clear that rocky actively sought to see the deaths of wes and fish that night. going as far as to lament that heād be, āvery disappointed if ( he ) dreamed them,ā and purposefully luring the marigold duo away to have freckle pick them off. while you could argue that this was a smart move, in a gangster sort of sense, thereās still no denying that rocky is oddly chipper about the whole thing and is now seeking death out ; whereas before his methods of vengeance were just, well, ruining peopleās livelihood but ultimately leaving them alive. this isnāt to discredit the fact that rocky is going through something! he is in a very muddled and dark place, mentally and physically, but even tracy has said that the head injury hasnāt changed rockyās personality -- itās only brought things to the surface.
source : q&a with tracy .
which, yeah! makes sense! head trauma can cause a person to become a wreck emotionally ( think mood swings, irritability, etc ) but it doesnāt completely morph someone either. personality changes may occur, but itās not like youāre being rewritten entirely, you know? and given tracyās old statement, itās clear that āpersonality changesā arenāt a side effect heās suffering from. something that adds to my beginning statement, which is that rocky is a deeply angry and troubled person, more so than fans give him any credit for.
however, to touch upon your mini opinion about these two, i actually wholeheartedly agree that rocky and wick could become friends if circumstances were different. they do in fact have many superficial similarities, but one of the more prominent things they deeply share is never really belonging in the groups they frequent. this is more overt with rockyās character, yet wick faces it too in subtle ways. the well-to-do crowd, seen through the investors, find the gentleman to be lacking in about every place imaginable ; to them he is an obsessive freak who cares too deeply for meager rocks, something they constantly mock him for, while heās also being noticeably set apart from the rest of them ā¦ he seems younger than the investors, more excitable, passionate, and a little less experienced, and doesnāt seem to care for money or reputation as much as them either. there is a constant rubbing between him and them, where what he enjoys is seen as wrong, such as his love for the lackadaisy and his choice in paramor, a grieving widow with extremely dangerous ties. we also know that wick doesnāt have many friends at all, with the only two he has being lacy and church ( church is listed as such on his character profile, in a sort of tongue-in-cheek way ), both of whom work for or with him. they are obliged to hang around, and while they care in varying ways, they are prone to judging him just as much. honestly, itās not shocking that wick seeks refuge at his chosen speakeasy! but even there he is rather distant from everyone else. he doesnāt speak to zib ever in the comics, nor seems all too close with viktor, ivy, or horatio ā¦ it is merely mitzi he is close to, even if he knows of the other people who work there. and, once again, wick very obviously doesnāt fit in. he is not gangster material, could never be an atlas may replacement, much less someone who could get his paws dirty in such an active way. so he has his feet in two different worlds and doesnāt know how to fit into either of them, or which one he actually wants to fit into more. i think in many ways rocky could relate -- these are two very lonely people who wish to belong somewhere and be accepted by some group or another but go about it in all the wrong ways. wick, who is too hesitant to fully commit to what he wants and is worse off for it, and then rocky, who obsessively throws himself against what he wants until he breaks every bone in his body. they also have explosives to bond over, lol, and other miscellaneous things like their taste in women i suppose ā¦ but this potential bond adds to the tragedy of lackadaisy, where we see two people who on every level should get along but weāre burdened with the knowledge that itās an impossibility anyway, because thereās no removing the circumstance of which theyāre in.
though i like to believe that despite wickās fear of rocky, he maintains a kindness towards him regardless. i think his worries about rocky are rather surface level ā¦ he doesnāt know the boy at all, really, and thus canāt make heads or tails of him, hence him believing the lie in balderdash. so when iām feeling particularly self indulgent, i like imagining a world where theyāre forced together and sort of āstuckā together ; to which rocky finally breaks and exposes his wounds to wick, in every sense of the word, and wick finally gets him. the aggression, the possessiveness of mitzi ā¦ it is all fear and desperation and a profound sadness, things heād sympathize with. if rocky was able to explain that he loathes wick because if he saves the lackadaisy then mitzi wonāt need him anymore and that itās not fair that wick gets to so easily fix things when rocky would give his soul for his home, for her, and how wick could render every sacrifice heās already made for naught by smoothing things over with some greenbacks and he canāt lose this, he just canāt --! ā¦ which, well, wick is too kind of a man to be able to do anything except feel awful, even though itās not his fault at all. here we have two people who could coexist! and they should, since rocky logically canāt do every speakeasy job ( band member, rumrunner, mitziās shadow, also the guy who gets the money for the hooch ) by himself, just like how wick canāt save the lackadaisy with only his cash and limited booze stash. itād be a joint cooperation, a collaboration between them, both equally important in the grand scheme of crimeās every turning wheel ā¦ but rockyās rage and fear wonāt let him see that, and likely never will. still, in scenarios where everything ends up alright for the lackadaisy and the people involved in it ( which is not how canon will go, by the way ), i fancy wick and rocky getting better within their relationship. rocky will always be prickly and quick to upset around the other man sadly, but perhaps he could see wick in a softer kind of light. or at least understand vaguely enough that he isnāt out to get rocky, so to speak. and then maybe wick learns that pancakes soothe rockyās ire and poorly makes them anytime he wishes to talk to the man, and other fun things like that! but you should have more confidence in your character analysis skills, because you were spot on ( at least in my eyes ) about them potentially getting along if things were different. itās certainly a fun aspect to play around with, and is important to note when discussing their relationship so you can fully understand just how warped rockyās perspective on things are. and how unstable and traumatized he is too, of course </3 sidenote, but i also hope that throughout everything iāve said here, or anything iāve said before on my blog, that my love for rocky and my own sympathy for him comes across well enough. while heās deeply flawed and i have no qualms discussing said flaws in depth, i also donāt think of him as some insane freak whoās evil at his core or anything like that. honestly, i adore analyzing him so much as a character because of how far down his issues go! heās very well written, iāll say, as is wick and many of the other characters, but i digress.
once more, thank you for the ask! iāll end this here because i fear if i donāt iāll start going in circles, since their relationship is so vast and very important for rocky in a character sense. hopefully i shed some more light on it though! i love these two to bits and pieces and i wouldnāt be half as invested in lackadaisy if their dynamic wasnāt so monumental -- at least to me.
#my asks.#lackadaisy analysis.#lackadaisy#rocky rickaby#sedgewick sable#tracy j butler#i also think rockyās sudden taste for marigold blood is him making marigold his other scapegoat#he isnāt dealing with anything in a healthy manner and is so traumatized itās starting to spill out of him ā¦ which is. uh. not good!!#but it sure is whatās currently happening regardless#cannot stress enough that rock is a very ill and traumatized individual who hasnāt had a single break in his life#he is constantly in stressful situations that are dangerous ā¦ and like.#when youāre constantly put in those situations you become numb. and angry. and it becomes hard to heal#or to truly connect to others ā¦ etc#i could talk in depth about rockyās traumas and why theyāve caused this anger issue and this inner disharmony inside#because frankly thereās a lot there! and i hate to say it but people who are hurt normally show their hurt in ugly ways#especially if mentally ill ā¦ which rocky is imo#itās just the reality of things! this isnāt me demonizing mental illness or the effects of trauma. iām just being realistic here#someone as deeply troubled as rocky ( someone with NO outlet and whom hides his feelings from others and himself )#is bound to be. well. troubled!! his smiling facade is merely another mask he wears to cope and to be good for the people he loves#it is not ā¦ really rocky rickaby ā¦ rocky rickaby is that and the wrath and the self destruction and more#AHEM but i digress. how rocky treats wick and all that has really done wonders for understanding his character#and i truly love the wick / rocky / mitzi trio so bad. their relationships with each other is what drew me into this world#like. i am shaking them so much. the overlap!! the complexities inherit in their bonds and what that says about the individual characters!#itās amazing truly lol like ā¦ i have had such fun thinking about them twenty four seven for the past three-ish months#anyway. anyway! i love analyzing these bitches. they can fit so much into them#and iām rooting for wickmitzi endgame and for wick to desperately try to bond with rocky ā¦ while his bloodshot eye is twitching as we speak#lots of fun!!! lots of pain and agony too ā¦ rocky is nothing but a painful character alas. that is his nature. but that is also his appeal#and ooops iāll shut up in the tags now i just. have a lot to say. and a lotta love to give to these two!! but uh. yeah <3 loved writing thi
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realized a drawing i'm doing rn is almost identically posed to one i did 8.5 years ago of a different oc, except the old drawing was instantly tainted by one of the players featured messaging me asking if i could take it down because their abusive, possessive rp partner saw it and got jealous of them "roleplaying behind their back" and i said "nah" and it became a whole Thing that i should have walked away from at that exact moment but didn't and the 6 months that followed contained some of the most truly condensed batshit i have ever witnessed in an rp community already well-known for its batshittery.
... anyway i love my friends. so happy to accidentally redeem the pose.
#idk if ill ever open up completely about that shitshow but#i think 8 years is past the statute of limitations to vaguepost about it#late tag addition but man now i'm thinking about it all at 4am#how did in the good goddamn did i witness that and still not only let them make me an officer#but also let them put me functionally in charge of their guild IC#while those two fucked off and erped in instanced zones or played overwatch#and i and my then-rp-partner took the heat for the meandering plotline#until my partner vented to the wrong person about the abuse#and it got back to them#and we got to experience the surreality of an honest to god guild coup#all to salvage the image of some egomaniac abuser#certified fucking wra moment#its been 8 years and thinking about how i was treated in the end makes me feel sick lol#they made a new guild discord and invited everyone but us#and when i noticed the channel had gone quiet i asked what was up#and was met with gaslighting about how i'm 'thinking too much' about the channel being a 'little slow'#and it took pushing to get an early admission of what was about to happen#so we logged on and quit ourselves#which fucked up the narrative they had constructed#and they lied in the new channel that WE were the ones doing a 'coup' and that we stole the members who left with us#i guess i am opening up after all#i had to play the fucking villain of that scenario for the past 8 years#all to protect the mental health of people who hurt me#why#if you were there and know what i'm referencing with all of this... there's the fucking story#the person in question is a massively popular artist#i just dont have it in me to fight that fight
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compilation of my other fav palette challenges from the years past... i should do them again sometime......
chara #9 belongs to @askbookwormflareon
#granted theres a glaring issue in one of them#i am not pointing it out lest you end up noticing it when you wouldnt normally~#my art#art q#digital painting#oc#mew#pokemon#purrloin#also i put in my request for availability change#apparently they can reject it...#i just cited second job as reason as to why i need mondays off now#my manager is gonna be super pissed tho cuz they always get mad at everyone who changes their availability#but like i mentally cant keep up with the randomised schedule#esp when i could find out the day before my day off that its my only day i can do comms#i dont have enough time to work my schedule for that w chores and having to go buy food or cat food etc etc#it will come into effect start of next month if they accept it#if they dont then ill just keep resubmitting until they write me upfor it lol idk#i was even nice and specifically asked other higher up staff what the best day to ask off was so it didnt hurt them too bad#but i ranted in stream the other day how like im not responsible for if the store gets fucked just cuz i took one day off my schedule yanno#its not my job to keep that from happening#also im part time and if i was full time id still have 2 guaranteed days off so like ??? idk#scared abt getting the cold shoulder and whatnot the next few weeks from the manager tho#also i stayed up till 4am by accident#and got up at 8am anyways#wish my ass luck
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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When the girls say to treat yourself, they mean treat yourself.
#To whoever said to buy things that you fictional others or comforter characters wear or own: I am wishing nothing but the best things#I hope both sides of your pillow are cold#I hope every stray animal you meet comes up to ask you for love and affection#I hope you have eternal and endless happiness#Because GOD I needed this#Like you have no idea how rewarding it is and how good it feels#My holiday present#From me to me#Iām obsessed with him something serious#Like I am not okay#I BOUGHT CAULT EDITION MW3#DOES IT LOOK LIKE IāM OKAY?#I BOUGHT THE YOUTOOZ TOO#Iām so mentally ill for this man itās actually unreal#Heās perfect in every way#John price x reader#captain price x reader#captain john price x reader#price x reader#John price#captain price#Captain John price#price
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one thing i really deeply wish is that i'd had access as a kid to the plural community and information that are more easily available today, instead of my first experience with plural community which both took it seriously and was nonjudgmental having been 10's era tul/pa.info lmao
#moogletalks#in some ways it was a wonderful community; and it taught me a lot of really helpful things#and made me feel validated and hopeful that This is a Thing That You Can Continue to Be and Develop in an Adult Life#instead of feeling like there was a time limit for when plurality stopped being Childlike Imagination and started being Craziness(tm)#(lots to unpack there lol)#.....in other ways not only was there Some Real Fuckery going on in the community in general; on an interpersonal basis#but i cannot overstate how horrifically toxic and damaging some of the things it taught me about plurality were#and how when i entered the phase of young adulthood where i realized the approach it had demanded of me was unsustainable to my survival#instead of having other perspectives on hand to go 'hey yeah you're not torturing your parts to death out of laziness if they go dormant'#'and/or if you don't spend hours of extremely grueling intensive work at minimum into maintaining them every single day of your life'#'and that if they dissolve into nothing because you Didn't Pay Them Enough Attention and you try to recreate them it won't be the same one'#'and if they DO actually come back as themselves they'll be horribly broken and traumatized and probably hate you forever'#'who the fuck told you that. oh my god?'#all i had to go on was 'either you're plural or you live an actual functional life in the real world; and i can't not do the latter atp'#and the result was repressing myself in an incredibly traumatic way i have just never fully recovered from even now#the fun cherry on top was that later when i *did* try to ask (very kind and well-meaning) plural ppl from another mental health community#if anything i described sounded familiar to their own experiences; or ones they had heard from other people#their response was pretty much 'idk that doesn't sound plural to me; i'm sorry; it's something where if you have it you know :('#me crying my eyes out for days afterward: obviously this reaction is bc i want to appropriate plurality to feel special#and am throwing tantrums at having the bubble broken by Reality#anyway. it's been a lot and yeah i really wish i'd had literally any other affirming plural community as a kid lol#ableism cw#internalized ableism cw#pluralitag#traumatag#adventures in mental illness#disabilitag
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sometimes i see art of kevin day and think 'damn i need him bouncing and moaning on it'
but i ain't got nothing for him to bounce and moan on :((((
#how terribly sad. i have failed our queen#lol ignore me i'm having mental illness time : )#also. my wrist is still hurting. it's 5pm on a tuesday. and that means it's wednesday TOMORROW. and i still have 10 asks left.#this does not bode well for my ocd having ass...#also dear ones who have sent me asks... i love you but i am not allowed to answer them until wipw is done.#(i am very strict.)#(no i am not.) </3#diaerie
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PEOPLE'S SELF HARM MARKS ARE NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS PEOPLE'S SELF HARM MARKS ARE NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS PEOPLE'S SELF HARM MARKS ARE NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS PEOPLE'S SELF HARM MARKS ARE NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS PEOPLE'S SELF HARM MARKS ARE NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS PEOPLE'S SELF HARM MARKS ARE NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS
i do not want to hear SHIT from u about self harm cuts or burns if ur gonna be like "who should i tell". bitch no one. get over it. dont tell anyone??? what the fuck is wrong with you. if ur concerned u speak to them YOURSELF ONE ON ONE AND THAT IS IF U ARE CLOSE WITH THEM. dont tell anyone else shit. and if you expect ME. someone who everyone knows used to cut. TO SUPPORT YOU IN REPORTING PEOPLE??? fuck i hate this place
#i cannot stand it here#i really cant#i am so sick of everyone#the fact that they also literally completely dismiss me whenever i try and talk about sh (after ive asked if i could because we are close)#told them i was 6 months clean and they just nodded like āoh coolā#kys#you dont care about cutters you care about how their mental illnesses will get in your way#sh tw#self harm#self h@rm#vent tw#sh vent#it never shuts up
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hm
thinking of my blorbos but not in a "i love you you love me all is well" way but a "i love you hope you kill me" way lol
#cylas vents#negativity#negative#death wish#lmao#bitches be like '[potentially concerning thing]' and then add 'lol' as if it's funny or a joke lmao#like i mean technically it's not but then again it is bc it's me. like yeah don't worry don't take this seriously don't mind me ok#it doesn't really matter anyway kk. or maybe it's more like I'm the joke.#like idk the thought that like most of my f/os would probably kill me on sight should be less comforting than it is i guess#imagine casually making posts like this and still being like 'ok but maybe im not actually mentally ill maybe im faking maybe im lying to#myself maybe im making excuses maybe im imagining things maybe im just lazy' etc etc#none of the antidepressants since fluoxetine decided it's over have done shit and even my psychiatrist now is always like 'hm. so do you#want to keep trying other things' and like yeah what else can i do? therapy didnt do anything for this specific issue and the tagesklinik#lady didnt really seem to get my issue (well her suggestions for like therapy groups or whatever were more about socialising or whatever#like ??? girl that's really not the main problem here lmao but she also did have a point about how i would have to actually go there every#day etc but like#what else am i supposed to do#hi i am always tired and sometimes struggle to even get out of bed and thats why i worry about getting a job or something bc it could become#too much or whatever but like unfortunately thats kind of a requirement for everything lmao#when psychiatrist asks what i want/expect or whatever i am internally like 'a magic pill that just fixes everything and makes me a normal#functional human being' but like that's just not A Thing (tm)#so. like. what else am i supposed to do.#i don't want to be like this forever#idk how to tag lmai#using stuff like#tw suicidality#tw suicidal#tw suicidal ideation#just feels so over the top and like i dont have the right to use them lol
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#i wouldnt usually care about stuff like this. but every month or so i get two or three asks like this and i just got one earlier today#and look. iām not saying u canāt hate ns or dislike them. feel free to send me asks that are like āns you are stupid and you suck and i hate#youā he IS stupid and he DOES suck and he is quite hateable. thatās fine#itās just when you start sending me wholeass paragraphs explaining every single detail you hate about ns and how they deserve a slow and#painful death that i think two things: 1. you are finite waves reincarnated 2. you are weird! and strange even!#what are you on about! ns absolutely does NOT deserve a slow and painful death! and you absolutely do Not have to be so hostile and#aggressive towards them as a character! like Please relax. we serve bullshit here sir#most anti-ns asks i get are funny and are light hearted because itās just people messing with ns on purpose or mocking him and making him#mad because he easily gets mad and itās funny. Like those asks are fine. itās another deal entirely when you send me this detailed andā#honestlyāreally mean message. I guess i am not surprised considering how similar ns and pebbles are in terms of personality#(and circumstances somewhat) and we all know how the fandom treats pebbles. even worse than ns. but yeah anyway#they are not an irredeemable unforgivable monster and they do not deserve to die. Hope this helps#to me even calling them a Bad Person is kind of a stretch. let alone the shit some of you are saying about them#we have to get normal about mentally ill and traumatized and autistic characters gang!#crammerposting#i also do not appreciate when people insuniate that ns is stupid for overworking himself and damaging his structure and so on and so forth#yes it is his fault but that didnāt mean he deserved what he had coming to him or anything like that. be nice to him
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one thing I love about following celebrities/artists who are honest and proactive about their mental health struggles etc is I canāt count the number of times someone I know is going through something and Iām like āIāve got a song for uā and how much of my life involves telling myself āif [redacted] can do something/get better/etc then so can iā (and having actual real evidence of it in front of me) and I canāt understate how much I appreciate these things.
but at the same time it involves a whole lot of watching people I care about suffer and you learn to read the signs and infer between the lines in songs and interviews, and yes we can never fully know what they donāt share with us, but when they do share things itās not a big stretch to be like āthis seems like itās what life is like for you and I have taken encouragement from it but you deserve so much betterā. and itās easy to find ways to get angry at a predatory industry and realise things that could be hurtful if youāre already fragile.
and we can advocate for some things and help ourselves and the people around us feel better but itās hard to meaningfully reach your faves as an individual. and there are things we canāt say on the internet in too much detail, speculation becomes the harmful kind of gossip, and so sometimes itās a whole lot of internally saying āyouāre doing incredibly well to have gotten to where you are but I wish for your sake things would get better fasterā
#curse and catch 22 (not the song)#I didnāt mean to make this so anonymous as a post but maybe. itās applicable to a lot of artists. I donāt know#just thinking about how sometimes someone will say something and itās like āoh honeyā if you can see. why they might be saying it#like a glimpse into the top of an iceberg that makes a lot of sense to be there given other things they do and talk about#I feel like weāre in a unique position as a fandom with the way all four of them have been so vulnerable in different ways#and they may not be perfect but imo no one deserves to suffer like that especially for an extended amount of time. but the thing is#sometimes the fans are suffering and so are our faves and people appreciate the relatability and donāt have any basic compassion#or ability to see past their own struggles. with this fandom especially compared to a lot of others Iāve been in and I think I know why#but in the end the way I see it weāve gotten so much relatable content and encouragement (bc the Finding The Positives Vibes which are ther#and sometimes thereās nothing we can give back apart from being a part of systemic change which all of us deserve for ourselves too#idk if this band is unique in this or I just find them more relatable personally and thus easier to see how hard theyāve worked#on themselves and taking risks in order to be honest. and it reminds me of the quote about how suffering wonāt make your art better#healing will. and so imo anyone whose art is really good when they are going through a lot has me thinking. imagine what itād be like#when life isnāt so hard for you?? or when youāre getting better but it just takes a long time Iām like. you deserve to feel better faster#this all said Iām incredibly proud and Iām not trying to insinuate thereās anything catastrophic going on bc there absolutely isnt#I am not in any way worried. Iāve seen tragedies about to happen and these guys show none of the signs. but I do relate to a lot of tidbits#pertaining to. certain chronic mental illnesses and/or being neurodivergent in an unaccommodating world (donāt ask which)#things I would anticipate would be a lot harder when thereās hordes of often fickle occasionally predatory fans to contend with#sometimes I just think of this idk#celebrities are people#5 seconds of summer#5sos#5sos fandom#cw mental health things
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i so sad
#thoughts#i think im having like a panic attack or something#like#something attack#i dont want to talk to anyone anymore i keep messing things up#i called a mentally ill person disgusting because i didnt see their other anon confessions in the server about their mental illnesd#they menyioned how they shower once a month#and i saw that i didnt see the other messages#i asked them how they didnt get uncomfortable ābeing that disgustingā#i meant it like. The feeling of#Not having taken a shower in a month. I didnt want to imply they were inherently disgudsting for their mental illness and everyone was like#wow rayman what the fuck is wrong with you why would you say that about someone. and they vented about me in the vent channel#it was a horrible thing for me to say and like yesterday i also fucked up i said mean shit to someone. I dont know whats wrong with me why i#cant stop doing bad things. i need to kill myself or something i need to lock myself away so other people dont get hurt by me#i was clawing at my head crying hitting myself with my knuckles because i just fucking loathed myself i pretend im so happy and like yeah im#happy but like really i fucking hate myself so so much more than anything in the world the only reason im not dead is because i love this#world enough to stay on it. i hate myself so much. i get so so sad when i look in the mirror because im not who i am im no one im always#trying to be a person or something when im nothing im so worthless coping off the āsmartā compliments i got in 2nd grade when in reality im#just some stupid fucking rancid asshole with rage anxiety lonlieness stewing in my soul for 5 years i cant be normal around anyone im not#supposed to be friends with anyone i shouldnt have a partner he needs to kill me i need him to beat me over the head with a shovel and keep#beating me and stabbbing me with it until im alll brutally mauled unrecognizable and he should call me worthless the whole time and i#deserve it
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Tfw when the teacherās get to know you questions are getting a littleeeee too personal, is this a mental health screening or getting to know me pick one.
#how do I not be concerning#āWhat difficult things have you or your friends gone through in your lifeā#Oh yk#depression#Eds#blah blah blah mental hospitals#Blah blah blah severe bullying#Yk#the usual#like girl who asks that#Weāre queer and neurodivergent itās not gonna be good#What am I supposed to say āoh I used to starve myselfā???#āGet nervous when I wear short sleeves even if you canāt see them anymoreā LIKE WHAT KINDA ANSWER IS THAT#how do I respond to this#hi yeah Iāve been suicidal my whole life how are you#Itās always the ela teachers too#Can I just say I kin dazai osamu and xie lian and move on#Oh yeah I hate myself but in other news-#Ela teachers suck balls bro#They love me tho#So I deal with it#school#gay and sad#sorry for being depressing#dazai kinnie#mental illness#school system#school is shit#school is starting#brb sobbing
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The vibe really deteriorated as the day went on, and now I'm sitting in bed, awake, feeling like garbage
#it was an okay weekend but i was jittery and numb for most of it#tried to write christmas cards for the first time in 2 years. cried while doing so and then had to lie down after i did 5#i got frustrated with the story i'm writing and considered dropping it or deleting the whole thing#spent friday alone pretty much all day which normally i'm fine with but for whatever reason made the loneliness really hit hard this time#spent all thanksgiving day waiting for a familial confrontation#got asked by my 6 year old nephew how old i was and then he followed up with 'well why arent you married what are you doing'#which i'm pretty sure is something he heard in a conversation someone else was having and he repeated it bc he's 6 fucking years old#which btw i don't hold against him or am mad at him about bc he's an innocent kid#but that made me feel really shitty#spent an hour today panicking about this dog virus#and in between all of that i was self diagnosing myself with mental illnesses#which made me feel awful bc it made gaslight myself in thinking maybe i wanted one?#which is so fucked up to the max and i'm so sorry for even putting that here#but i put this all here bc i could never have this conversation with people irl#they'd get too worried or they'd think i'm overreacting or i need to date or need to do something with myself besides read#i'm so sorry everyone#i'll try to be better#i just had to put this out somewhere#and i didn't put this in a journal bc my last entry sounds so teenagerish out of context i don't even want to look at it#anyway i have to try to sleep i have to go into the office early tomorrow#i'm sorry guys#i really amš
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