#if you answered “interested” on my poll a couple days ago.....I hope this was actually interesting lol

[badsalmonella]

SGATGK getting 'er done.👍

TLDR: some neato historical/fantasy drawing references, I like character design would be neat if someone paid me to do that someday, I have to trick myself into being motivated to finish anything like one tricks a dog into taking their meds by putting it in the wet food, tales passed down for centuries are cool.

Why did I do this? : Because I'm obsessed with art books and design bibles and it's what made me want to study animation in the first place. Portfolio pieces like this, this and this were always something I wanted to do, I think they are so inspiring.

Unfortunately you like have to put in a lot of effort to get something like this done, and as I have learned from a semi-failed attempt to do this with Hadestown it is very easy to get too precious about the art and restart 80 times and essentially never get anything done. I'm out here chanting "finished not perfect" to myself in the mirror like a mantra maybe one day it will seep into my bones and I will fully embrace it. Full disclosure, one of the circumstances that led to me actually finishing this is that I have way too much free time on my hands atm, like I don't think I would have gotten this done (or gotten it done in a timely manner) if I was also balancing full time work, but I was tryinggg to squeeze some lemons out of a less than ideal situation. Second thing, on top of trying to do this for 4 years with Hadestown, I alsooo initially tried to do this with the musical Camelot/ the Arthur/Lancelot/Guinevere love triangle part of the Arthurian legends but found I was once again too obsessed with the thing, and getting too precious about the art to get anything substantial done. I did get these Guinevere runaway bride drawings done though. Phillipa Soo high cheekbones Guinevere will always be important to me!!

So I switched gears and chose an Arthurian legend I liked well enough, but not so much I would sike myself out of getting it done and went with Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. It's also a story that adheres to a pretty traditional fable structure. A young guy goes on a quest, he experiences trials in threes, he comes back a little changed having learned a life lesson, etc. Also designing The Green Knight comes with a fun 'cool' factor that I like. The Arthurian discord server run by queer-ragnelle on tumblr is full of really nice, and wayyyy more knowledgeable people who pointed me in the direction of Simon Armitage's translations of the poem so that's what I read to get started. Another great resource I liked was Queer as Fact's podcast episode on the story. Something that I found really interesting was that they discussed Gawain's kissing game with the Bertilak's being something that brought on both queer positive and queerness as a sort of cautionary tale that was encouraged to be turned away from interpretations*. Interesting that you could take away two opposite readings from the same text, but also really framed the experience of staying with the Bertilaks as something that is otherworldly and treading into unknown territory for Gawain.

*I wanna add that 1. just because I acknowledge the two conflicting interpretations doesn't mean that I think one cancels out the other's validity 2. Just because I acknowledge it doesn't mean that it's one that I like or agree with. Obviously these stories are so old we can't ask the author what intent they were writing with so we'll never get 'the right answer', all we really have is interpretation. So like why not interpret something positive out of it, especially if you can back it up with the text.

I got pretty tired of using Google images for research, and actually went to the library for most of my drawing reference. This was also good because it got me out of the house yay! It made me feel like those movie behind the scenes featurettes I love, where people go on their little research trips, like OoooO I'm making the fake movie in my brain!! I unfortunately never wrote down the titles of these books I was using but there were some great illustrated book of clothing worn throughout history. I wanted to keep Gawain, and the design of Camelot fairly close to something historical.

I loved this book especially because all the art was so colourful. I think a lot of people have this idea that medieval costuming should be dull/dark colours but I definitely didn't want to go in that direction. I love bright colours!

I really took inspiration from this illustration I found for Gawain, even though people typically associate medieval knights with full plate armour, in the story Gawain is going on a lengthy journey to find the green chapel, then accept his beheading so I actually felt something lighter like this chainmail outfit with robe on top was the way to go to make him feel mobile. Also Gawain really lays on the self deprecating sauce thick when he volunteers himself up to participate in the Green Knight's game, claiming he is of no great importance, he's just a little guy, it's not a big risk if he gets hurt. (that's not a direct quote. That just the vibe) So I also snuck in the small detail that his clothing is a little oversized, not quite arranged straight, but he grows into it by the end of the tale :3

I also used designing Gawain as the chance to lock down what artstyle I wanted to move forward with. My brain told me 'oohhh storybook!' but go into a bookstore and give it a peruse and you will quickly find there is a wide array of storybook artstyles. So that was not specific enough. I tried simplifying my art style, I liked Cartoon Saloon's stuff (good catch everyone who commented on it's influence in the post's tags) but felt it was a little too simplified and stylized for what I wanted to do. The big lightbulb moment for me was when I found this art by an-old-lady on tumblr. I really like how this artist's work is pretty stylized but sticks close to recognizable human proportions. So I put this one my inspiration board, while still trying to keep it distinctly mine. not really my call to say if I succeeded at this or not lol

But yes Cartoon Saloon's influence is still there, especially with backgrounds,

and I also really loved looking towards the art of Sleeping Beauty. Really amazing use of colour in this art, also the way they simplify nature into easy to read shapes, then pack in all the detail there is something I loved.

me doing my best to harness that Disney concept art power

(Side note one books I can name from all this research is this one because I would like to own it some day. Fantastic resource for not only showing the classic art and architecture they are taking reference from, but how you can apply that to something a lot more cartoony and simplified. Seriously the side by side comparisons of medieval book artwork next to their Sleeping Beauty storybook scenes are masterclass mwah)

From there something I really wanted to drive home was this contrast between Gawain's world and Lord Bertilak/Green Knight's world. The Green Knight comes with lengthy descriptions about his odd (but hot *wink*) appearance, and there is definitely an aura that something unknown has entered King Arthur's court. While I tried to find inspiration for Gawain's armour from old artwork, Green Knight's outfit I was looking more to fantasy influences like Lord of the Rings, House of the Dragon, Renaissance Faire costumes, etc.

When you look up medieval fashion you get a lot of reference for these crazy cool headpieces

Lots of head coverings too for women (lots of it done for modesty reasons. Also a little bit for hygiene reasons) so I kept that consistent with the women of Camelot

Also even though a lot of medieval media associates the revealed shoulders and the sleeves with interesting cutouts with woman's fashion at the time, a lot of actual historical imagery I was finding has a full coverage layer underneath known as the kirtle (mostly for hygiene purposes......though I'm sure modesty is also a factor)

( Alicent where is your underlayer?? Cringe.)

But for Lady Bertilak I went full medieval fantasy and whipped out those sleeves that I always associate with princesses and gave her long flowing hair. Also interestingly I remember the story once emphasising her ~flirtatiously~ revealed shoulders. I wonder if that was a fashion choice still made back then, or if this is fantasy detailing, sort of like how the trash doctor drama TV show Doctor Odyssey will have doctors doing work on patients in full cocktail party attire a decision that is not based on any sort of reality but maybe hundreds of years from now if the media is preserved humans might assume that was how the doctors of our day dressed. HM!

Lord Bertilak actually gave me a hard time with his look. I went in really only knowing I wanted to give him that Hozier inspired bun hairstyle. My reasoning being that like Lord Bertilak loves going hunting he's a kind of man of the woods.....but he's also supposed to be this hot Lord who is making Gawain question if he wants to join a very unchristian open marriage and when I think of man of the woods but make it glam I think of this dude

but other than that I had no ideas on how to approach this 'same shape as the Green Knight but make him more warm and approachable' look I was trying to achieve, so I just made lots of sketches that got trashed pretty quickly. Also at the time I didn't know what colour scheme I wanted for these two yet, only that I wanted green as an accent colour to hint at his true identity (also because plot relevant green girdle) but not the MAIN COLOUR of their colour scheme. So anyways that's how you get this funny drawing of Lord Bertilak looking very Curious George's Yellow Guy vibes.

Then it hit me in the most unexpected of places....

You're probably wondering "hey there is literally a fantasy historical King Arthur musical you are OBSESSED WITH why are you not turning to that for inspiration?" or maybe "why would you reference House of the Dragon earlier but not the much more famous Game of Thrones?" and the answer there is as cool as those costumes are they are taking a LOT of inspiration from modern runway fashion and that just wasn't the vibe I was looking for. But then one day as I played the Camelot bootleg as comfort background noise (normal behaviour) I found inspiration from THE UNDERRATED FASHION ICON SIR PELLINORE!

I just really loved the long sleeveless drapery situation he had going on. I added the fur along the neckline for Lord Bertie though to make him more top heavy (like his Green Knight counterpart) and as a nod to hunting. but yes big props to Pellinore. ty king!

The contrasting shape language I used in the character design then informed all the extra prop details surrounding these characters.

But to keep things consistent I tried to keep some similar design principles for costumes. They like drapery. They like big sleeve moments. Bold colours. Girdles to break up dress forms. Tunics that generally fall close to knees in length.

I think the coolest bit of research I did was I visited a church in my city and got some good pictures as reference for the green chapel. In the poem the green chapel really ends up being a grass mound but that's not really an impressive drawing to put in your portfolio so I got the idea to have a chapel so old that nature has overtaken it and there's a structure in this hill. The church is open to just look through for free without attending a mass, it's a bit of a tourist destination for good reason it's really well kept, I'd been telling myself to go check it out for years of living here now but this project was what got me to finally do it.

I sketched some random object in there (this can be helpful even if you don't draw these things in your actual project just because it fills up your design bank in your brain) I also wish I took this picture but they had what looked like one of those office water coolers but it was labelled 'Holy Water' and I just thought that was funny. Sorry just wanted to share.

and I am HORRIBLE at drawing backgrounds, I really hate doing it, I find placing the horizon line/ vanishing points incredibly hard to do, so if you are like me but you wanna push yourself TAKE YOUR OWN PICTURES OF PLACES. AND TRACE OVER THEM. THEN ADD WHATEVER CHANGES NEEDED. IT'S NOT CHEATING I PROMISE. YOU CAN LITERALLY DO ANYTHING YOU WANT EVER IT IS NOT THE SAME AS PLAGIARIZING OR TRACING ANOTHER PERSON'S ART AND IT WILL SAVE YOU HEARTACHE. HIGHLY RECOMMEND.

Anyways this has been my incredibly long advertisement for your local library, your local tourist spots, cool art books, cool cartoons, The Green Knight poem, the kirtle, to try your best to make the art you wanna make because it will fill your heart with joy. Don't be precious about your art in a design project, just sketch like your life is ending in the next couple of hours, it's cool if you draw something like this

There's definitely stuff I wish I had drawn, more props, something more to indicate Lord Bertilak's hunts (I also suck at drawing animals oop) and maybe those things will be drawn in the future, but I am happy to call this done for the time being :)

Did you get this far? Well thanks. ilu 🫶🏼

[ground-zero-idiocies]

How would companions react to Bad Habits by Ed Sheeran?

 So I just heard this song for the first time yesterday so now sounds lik a good time to answer this.

Fallout 4 Companions React to 'Bad Habits' by Ed Sheeran

Is it beach day? It's beach day. Across the picnic blanket from the mutfruit sandwiches lies a small ham radio, playing Diamond City Radio and slowly leaking out it's 'old gold' tunes. However, after a short ad from CHOICE CHOPS!, a new song starts playing. The artist is unknown to all, but the song plays. 

Cait: “What the...where is this guy from? His accent makes me wanna puke. Really, who thought people from that place deserve rights or the ability to make music or a microphone? I didn’t think I liked the Ink Spots all too much but I would listen to that forever instead of hearing that ever again.”

Curie: “Zis song is very new! I do not believe that this song ‘as ever been played before on this radio station! I do so wonder how Mr. Travis obtained a new record zis long after the war, but I commend him for doing so.”

Codsworth: “Well mum, this song is certainly a ‘blast from the past’, now isn’t it? The last time I heard this song, GNN was still on the air, haha! I do so wonder if Mr. Sheeran is still alive today. Say, with ghouls and super mutants it may be possible! Ah, what a strange world we live in.”

Danse: “This song belongs to a genre of music that I certainly despise. I’ve said it before but I much prefer country and bluegrass music. It really tickles my balls makes me feel like a man. This sounds like what Proctor Taegan listens to when he breaks up with his monthly boy toy.”

Deacon: “NO WAY! I actually met this guy a couple years ago. When I traveled to England. He’s a robobrain now! Can’t sing, but he’s certainly an interesting guy. I should really talk more about England. Did you guys know that they have three-headed Brahmin over there? Yeah! They call them ‘cows’. Weird stuff.”

Hancock: “What’s this shit on the radio? If you’re gonna play something that doesn’t sound like it was recorded at the end of a tunnel, play something by my girl Magnolia. Now she can sing, without having to load the sound into a terminal and monkey with the audio. I should start my own radio station for her. It would make lots of caps.”

Gage: “I’m gonna get shit for sayin’ this, but that song was better than anything RedEye ever does. And I like RedEye! Man, it’s all stuck in my head now. Bad habits lead to this and that...”

Longfellow: “This reminds me of a song I heard once. ‘There’s no one as Irish as Barrack Obama’. I think Obama was the president before they unfroze Walt Disney’s head and elected him. Those were strange times. Anyway the song is ok, I guess.”

MacCready: “Dang, Lucy would’ve loved that song. It’s just so catchy, y’know? I’m gonna be singing that for the next ten years straight. Ooo, here’s an idea, Gage and I could record our own version! If he promised not to kill me and everything.”

Nick Valentine: “And this is why they play ‘old gold’ instead of this 21st century junk. Why couldn’t Travis have found Mambo Italiano or She Blinded Me With Science? At least that one’s relevant. This song is just so off-putting. I’m hoping he doesn’t make it a regular listen.”

Piper: “Official notice: local DJ Travis Miles plays mediocre, 4/10 song on the radio. No one’s heard this song in 200 years, yet he found it anyway. Polls show that most people don’t want to hear it again. This concludes the official notice.”

Preston: “This song is so upbeat and catchy! What an amazing song! I’m gonna make this the Minutemen’s anthem. Why can’t Travis play more of this guy? It’s so good. This song is perfect. Thank you Travis and thank you God, because only he could make something so incredible.”

Strong: “Strong could not hear the song. DJ Travis needs to make song louder. Strong thinks that Super Mutants sing better than puny humans. Strong will sing a song soon, and everyone will want to be friends with Strong.”

X6-88: “Damn it. Father’s mixtape got leaked. This is a code red, activate the silos. We gotta start humanity all over again.

[hyuckles-chuckles]

important message

i just felt this was important to say since this has happened today and i just want to get it off of my chest to make everything clear here. this mainly has to do with minors and their activity on my blog so if you’re a minor and following this blog !! please read !!

there’s also an update about the requirements to join the discord server at the end (as well as the main reason for this post), so if you’re a minor and haven’t expressed an interest in joining the server but would like to someday !! keep reading !!

if you’re a minor (and a very young one at that), i don’t mind you following my blog. i write lots of kinds of writings on this blog such as fluff, angst, humour and most recently sm*t (it may not seem like recent but it’s the most recent genre i’ve written on this blog). as long as you’re not reading my sm*t and not interacting with any mature posts, you can follow me.

that being said, i don’t want to be mutuals with a minor. i don’t mind talking to you if you need advice or anything, but personally i don’t want to have a friend relationship with you. i’m turning 22 this year and i’m not comfortable talking to minors — specifically those that are 15 and younger. i don’t understand why you would want to be mutuals with someone who is so much older than you in the first place, isn’t it weird to talk to a literal adult? i wouldn’t know because i started creating content for this blog when i was 18 turning 19 and was always too scared to talk to any person when i was underage, so if you someone could tell me or give me their own input that would be appreciated.

and now we have the reason why i’m making this post.

some days i will receive a message from someone who would like to join my discord server and once i see that they’ve been following me (because the main reason for this server was to connect with my followers) and then i send them a link so they can access the server. since the beginning i’ve never had an issue with a member being a minor — as of last week our youngest member was born in 2006 (i know it may seem weird to have such a young person in the server but there are others born in 2005 and the age difference between other members aren’t that large).

if you remember last year, i made a poll to discuss the happenings of this server. i remember asking questions that involved your age, one of them being “if i were to put an age restriction on this discord server, would you lie?” and even 83.3% of people said that they were 18+, i opened up the server to everyone. 5.6% of people answered 16/17 and 11.1% of people answered 15 and under. and even though there’s no age restriction on the server, someone felt the need to lie to me about their age.

a couple of days ago, i received a message from this person and they asked to be mutuals. i said ‘yes’ and asked for their age and they told me their ‘age’ which was of a young teen (i won’t reveal the age that they told me). since they wanted to be mutuals and i felt bad i wouldn't be able to provide them friendship, i asked them if they’d like to join the server considering there are young minors already there and they said ‘yes’ because they wanted to make friends. upon joining the server, there is a channel where you give some info so other members can get to know you (name/nickname, bday, url, etc.) they went onto tumblr to tell me that they were actually a year younger than the age they told me at first since the chinese new year had just occurred and i understood that and still let them be a part of the server.

but while i was asleep this morning they sent me another message. they informed me that they lied to me about their age, telling me that they were even younger. their reason for lying was because they were afraid that i wouldn’t accept them — and i wouldn’t have because their age is far too young. they lied to me twice about their age: the first time when i asked for their age, the second time when they introduced themselves in the server. now, i don’t understand why this person wanted to lie about their age to an adult, maybe to make more friends but there are plenty of people on this site who are around their age.

if the person this section is about is reading this, i want you to know that i’m not mad at you. i would just like for you to think before talking to anyone online — especially people over 18+ because they can get into trouble. it didn’t happen here, but the person you’re talking to behind the screen could be a complete creep.

so now for this reason i have an age restriction on my discord server. if you’d like to be in the server, you have to be 16 and over. i’m sorry to those that are younger than 16 that would have liked to join the server eventually, but i think this is for the better. and to those that are younger than 16 and are in the server, don’t worry about your status in the server, you will just be the youngest people in the server. in future i will be more careful when accepting people into the server, but i hope that those that want to join don’t disrespect my wishes for the server by lying to me. it hurts my feelings as i’ve never told a lie on this blog in my almost three years of being here.

anyway, i hope everybody understands my wishes and have a good day/night 💗

[ghoulfriendfam]

Shane Madej X Reader

College Bookshop AU!!

Summary: You are in college and for the past eight months you have been wrapped up reading books from a mysterious recommender that is only identified as “S” in your look bookstore. You have been trying to piece together who “S” is for month to no avail- but when you meet a handsome and helpful sales clerk you think you might have found your man!

Part 2 of 5; Part 1 Part 2 (I will link the updates as they come out!)

The next day you were back at the cafe, skimming over the book again and nursing some caffeinated beverage to perk up. You had woken up early- partially due to the fact that you never had really gone to sleep- and had sprung out the door. Thoughts about what could- what should happen had been filling you up- dancing in every quiet space of your mind.

It had been a little thing- the cider- but it was the little things that mattered. In your bag beside you laid the washed cup. You didn’t think you could ever be that nervous about washing a cup- but you had been- rubbing it squeaky clean with care. That cup could be the beginning of something- and beginnings are so fragile.

You must have looked like quite a sleepy wistful puddle of preoccupations- because at this moment Steven paused as he passed your table. Steven was your barista. Well, there were other baristas of course that worked the shop across from Calypso's, but Steven and you were friends. And not just the transient, “oh your usual?” type of coffee shop friends either. Steven was genuine like that- honest.

“You know,” Steven said, putting down the dish tray, “Sometimes too much studying isn’t good for you.”

“Oh-” You jumped, regaining your presence in reality, “I’m not studying,”

Steven frowned. “Then why do you look so beat up?”

You waved the book.

Steven squinted down at you. “Wow? Was the recommendation that good this week?”

Steven knew that you were following “S’s” recommendations. It would have been impossible for him not to, considering how you wouldn’t shut up about it the first couple of months you had begun reading them. But Steven didn’t know how obsessed you were. He already thought you were crazy enough for believing in conspiracy theories and paranormal activity. Adding being a “book stalker” to the list wasn’t something you were willing to admit to as well.

“Yeah,” You said, with an unconvincing smile that you hoped would deter the conversation. “It was a real-” You grabbed at the air, “You know a real gripping story.”

Steven was not convinced, you could tell by how his eyebrows were cresting above the frames of his glasses. Your anxiety jumped into your throat as Steven drug up a chair and sat down across from you with a look that told you he intended to get to the bottom of this.

“What’s a matter?” He said simply, as if it could be answered simply.

You thumbed the edge of the book up and down, the pages zipping across your fingertip.

“Do-” You bit your tongue, “Well I mean- do you see a lot of people here? Like working behind the counter?”

“Of course?” He scrunched his shoulders, “I see maybe half the campus- well half the liberal arts people- just in the morning shift alone. We don’t really get the STEM people. The Life Sci building is too far away for them to come down in the mornings. In the evening we might get them though.”

You mentally ran that through the list of possibilities. From Shane’s vibe, you had already pegged him to be an art history major- or maybe even something odd-ball like metaphysics. But when you scanned around last night at various art clubs and societies- yes you had done that like a psycho- you hadn’t found him listed in any one of them. He wasn’t even on Calypso's instagram as an employee… It was possible that he could be a STEM major- or something else strange- there was a certain chemistry. You frowned. Your humor was bad even in your own head.

“Why exactly are you asking?” Steven asked, with an ernest insistence

You felt yourself becoming hot- the table becoming suddenly really interesting. “There’s…. There’s this guy.”

“OOO-”

“It’s not like that!” You protested, knowing it was exactly like that.

Steven’s serious expression had completely flipped, turning into a cheshire grin, satisfied that his senses had been right. You had been messed up about something.

“Where’d you meet him?”

“Calypso's,” You said reluctantly, “He’s working the counter.”

“Calypso's?” He exclaimed, “Don’t you like live there or something? How do you not know him?”

“He’s new? Or well- I think he is new- it might just be I have never seen him before-”

“And you thought I might have? Y’know seen him.”

“Right-”

“Right- Right-” He quickly repeated, rubbing his chin with an intellectual air. “Certainly- Yes- Yes- tell me and I will see if my eyes have come across this certainly lovely man with which you have been so affected by.”

“Should I roll my D20 or are you going to lay off the game night bullshit!”

Steven’s expression remained unchanged- elated- curious- and eager.

You sighed defeated, “He’s- I don’t know- He’s tall-”

“How tall?”

“Like- tall enough to be a telephone poll.”

“Attractive-”

“Yeah- yeah- yeah- well he’s got long brown hair that kind of sticks out everywhere”

Steven nodded. “Brilliant”

Why were you so bad at this! “Oh he has a nice smile- and kind of a stache”

“Oh- a stache man?”

“It’s not a creepy stache-”

“Of course.”

“More like a professorial stache.”

“Oh?” Steven's eyes lit up with implications.

“He’s young-” Your hands shot up, “He’s not like a daddy or anything.”

God had you said that outloud. Steven started wheezing- dying actually. You were dying too but not from laughter.

“So-” Steven croaked, trying to recover, “Does this- not daddy- have a name?”

You twisted in your seat, your face still boiling. ”Shane.”

“.....Wait....” Steven’s composure changed, he leaned forward confused and startled,“You don’t mean Shane- Shane? Like Shane Madej?”

Your eyes grew wide.

Steven rubbed his mouth- a grin slowly forming on it- and sighed: “...Christ....” He paused, his thoughts cementing, “You do mean Shane Madej- of course!” He sat back in his chair running his hand through his hair thoughtfully, “...Shane Madej… I mean he’s definitely not bad?”

Not bad? He was perfect.

“What do you know about him?”

“He’s not an employee-” Steven’s eyebrows shot up, “He’s the owner so… I’m mean… he is kind of a daddy-”

“Steven!” You snapped, wanting information and not games. “What on earth do you mean he owns that place?”

“Yeah-” Steven sighed, “He inherited it or something- like a year ago?”

“So you know him?”

“Well- I mean not like personally? He came over when he first got the place and said hello and whatever with the owner here and occasionally he stops by pretty close to closing and gets some cold brew togo- or whatever- he’s pretty nice? He’s kind of shy- quiet- I guess I have never really stopped to fully talk to him?”

Never stopped to talk to him. What a crime. But your mind didn’t linger on that for long. The pieces were starting to click. A new owner, trying to get involved in the business, starts reading and recommending books. He might have gotten the place a year ago- but it would have taken a while to get adjusted and get on his feet. Perhaps he started reading because he had a crisis… The books in September were starting to make sense now… It was almost the perfect profile...

“So…” Steven said, interrupting your train of thought, “What are you going to do with all this knowledge?”

“I-” You paused. You honestly hadn’t thought you would get this far. You had to lend it to yourself, your detective inclinations were excellent. “I actually don’t know. I guess I was just curious...”

“Curious… right,”

You didn’t like Steven’s smirk. It was far too big and happy. It was still early- but Calypso’s was open. You hadn’t intended on making your exit just yet- you didn’t want to look as desperate as you felt- but you sure as hell couldn’t stay here with Steven knowing what he knew. That would be a slow death by embarrassment and knowing sighs.

“I have got to go now,” You announced, shuffling up from the table.

“Really?”

“Yes, really,” You picked up your bag and drink and quickly smoothed yourself out.

“Don’t worry- you look great,” Steven reassured, still smirking.

“Who said I was going to see anybody?” You bristled, getting blushy already- this was not a good sign.

“Not me,” Steven's voice trailed as you headed for the door, “But now that you mention it-”

The door to the cafe closed behind you. You didn’t look back- but you knew- you just knew Steven was watching out the window and smiling. The rain had stopped, but it was still foggy and dark. You crossed the overcast street, the cup burning a metaphorical hole in your bag with each step. As you reached the door and swung it open, your eyes brightened, anticipating to see his cheery face peering at you from behind the counter…

But he wasn’t there. Perhaps he was upstairs?

A strange nervous energy filled you. What if he hadn’t meant anything by it- by giving you the drink? Maybe he just wanted to be friendly? Maybe you had taken it the wrong way and he knew it- so now he was ghosting you! You hated getting ghosted. It happened to you more times then you liked to-

Your thoughts paused as you hit the landing of the stairs. The door to the upstairs office was open. You had never seen into the office before. In fact you weren’t sure if you were supposed to be seeing it now. From the crack in the door it looked like a crowded and homey place- it’s old wood paneling shining auburn in the lamp light- and it’s no doubt creaky floor littered with stacks of books and papers.

Shane’s books and papers.

No. No. No. This was getting too personal- too quickly- you needed to escape back down the stairs before it looked like you were being a creep. Cause you certainly weren’t a creep. Even if you did do it on occasion.

You made an abrupt turn to go back down and find somewhere normal to wait out this chill of anxiety when your foot came in contact with something warm- fuzzy- and catasphrophic. You tripped forward- face first- ass second- onto the floor- causing a horrid- simply terrible- noise. The fuzzy shape wormed out from under your feet and pounced up on you.

It was a cat- an orange one- and it was smiling down at you- happy with its work.

“OBI!”

Your eyes quickly focused past the cat to see Shane rushing out of the office. He quickly dumped his books and reached down and snatched the cat.

“I’m so sorry,” He tilted the cat up to face him, “Bad kitty- remember what we said about sneaking out of the apartment.”

Apartment? So he lives here?

“Oh- no it’s fine-” You grabbed your bag and the cup that had knocked out- thanking god it wasn’t broken.

“Here,” Shane put the cat down and reached towards you, “Let me get you fixed up.”

He took the cup from your hand and then softly grasped your forearm, helping you up. While your feet placed themselves underneath you firmly- your knees were weak. You were standing so close to him- the same scent and feeling brushing over you as before- the soft pine- the warm heat- the utter perfection of it all.

“Oh-” He retracted his arm, realizing that he had been holding on to you for a little too long, “You're not hurt or anything?”

“No,” You said, “I think I might have hurt the cat more then the cat hurt me- with my feet all-”

“Hogwash- the cat’s resilient,” Shane waved his hand dismissively, “Nine lives and all of that,”

Yes- of course. An awkward smile crept up on your face. “Um- well I just wanted to give you back the cup.”

“The cup?” Shane’s eyebrows went up, “Oh- yes the cup!” He shook it back and forth.

“Yes- and I just wanted to say thanks for the cider- y’know cause it really was cold out there- and I did appreciate it-”

“Sure- sure-” He nodded earnestly- a hint of nervousness in his voice, “It was- well it was- y’know- it was-”

“It was nice.”

Shane stopped mid ramble- a hint of pink dashing across his face. Had- had you just made him blush? Oh god- Oh jeeze-

“Um-” Shane turned back toward his office, “Do you want to step in for a bit?”

Your lips parted.

“It’s the least I can do- it’s quiet up there- you know you can work on all that- well- work you need to do- I have some cookies? You like cookies?”

He couldn’t even look you in the eyes as he said it. And you thought you were the jittery one.

“Cookies are great.”

Cookies were fucking awesome.

He laughed haltingly, pushing back a shock of his hair, as if he had never imagined this scenario happening today. He definitely wasn’t alone in that.

“Well- ah after you!” He made a swirly gesture with his hand, trying to regain his usual smooth confidence.

You put your hand to your lips not to giggle and stepped into his office.

[magnoliawhetstone]

speak now (or forever hold your peace) →

tw vague mentions of illness, hospital

A slow, lazy grin stretched across Magnolia’s lips as she shifted her body slightly under the cool sheets. Her brain faltered for a moment--just a brief second--as her eyes looked around the less familiar room before they landed on a mess of brown curls right next to her. Ah, yes--her husband. A soft giggle escaped her as she repeated the phrase in her head a few more times, as a reminder that this was absolutely real life. It was reality that she had woken up in their bed, next to her husband in their suite and she’d get to do this everyday for the rest of her life. It was enough to make the bubbly blonde squeal with joy but, given that Jack was less than six inches away from her and still sound asleep, Lia did her best to keep her joy inward, for the time being. After all, there would be plenty of time for outward manifestations later. Smirking again, her eyes fell back on Jack and she leaned in to press a gentle kiss to his shoulder. “I love you,” She whispered, almost inaudibly, with no intentions of waking up him. She knew from their conversations that he’d been working extremely hard lately and he could definitely use the sleep. 

But Lia’s mind was awake now and that meant it was focused on one thing: coffee. Her lifeblood in the morning and a constant part of her routine. Regardless of marriage or not, she was still a woman with particularities and a morning cup of coffee was one of them. Slipping on one of Jack’s shirt’s and grabbing her phone, she carefully snuck out of the bedroom and let her feet quietly pitter patter on the ground toward the kitchen. Her eyes instantly went to the boxes of Christmas decorations littered everywhere around the living room and she shook her head. There was still much work to do on them, but it would have to happen after her caffeine fix. By this point, the blonde had spent enough time in Jack’s--er, well, now their suite--to know where everything was, so it took little brain power to grab a mug and the coffee grounds to prepare her drink. Lia hummed quietly, her energy still beaming. There were a few tell tale signs of a truly content Magnolia and humming was surely one of them. It was as if the joy could not stay within and she had to get it out somehow. The tunes always changed and more often than not it was coupled with a baking spree--but not always. Like today, where she watched as the coffee maker worked its own special magic right into her cup. 

Buzz buzz buzz. The blonde furrowed her brow as she felt her phone go off, forgetting the real world did exist outside of these four walls. Her eyes flew to the screen and she let out an audible groan. Lia was not the kind of person to play hooky--she was what you called an overly responsible employee, probably coming in on her days off more than taking an extra unannounced. But this weekend had been different--and while she hadn’t known she was getting married at the time, Lia might have shared a teensy little lie with Mr. Worthington about being very ill and unable to come into work. Her boss, being the overly dramatic person he was, was displeased to say the least--but his hypochondria won out and she had scored an entire weekend of freedom. Or so she thought.

Gala tonight--I’ll have a dress sent to your room. 

Lia felt her chest tighten--there was no way she’d be going to the gala tonight, that was for sure. She could stake her life on that. The question was--how was she going to get out of it. Clearly, he’d forgotten about her “illness” entirely or he’d stopped caring. Both were true of her boss from her years of experience with him. But Lia had very little experience telling this man no--and the few times she tried was met with absolutely not success. Her eyes flashed to the hallway that lead to their bedroom and she closed her eyes. She’d figure out a way to say, no--of course she would. She just needed a few minutes to figure it out. 

Lia grabbed her mug with a little more gusto than she had anticipated and headed toward the kitchen table. A few sips of coffee and she’d find a solution. She swirled the light brown liquid in her cup a few times before she took a sip, letting the warmth of the liquid wake up her other senses. “Mmmmm,” She smiled softly into her cup. “Perfect”. 

Her moment of peace was quickly interrupted though by the harsh vibrations of her phone and for a second she wondered if Mr. Worthington is really that impatient for an answer. But instead her body grows ice cold when she looks down at the screen--a number that’s not in her phone. A number not in her phone with the area code 843. Mount Pleasant, South Carolina in small tiny white print under it. 

Oh my god. 

Her cups hit the table with a thud and her eyes flashed toward the bedroom door, desperately hoping she didn’t wake Jack up. There’s no way--there is no way...

Her shaking fingers grab the phone instantly and she booked it for the balcony, quietly shutting the door behind her. She had approximately ten seconds to decide if she was going to answer this phone and she had about a million things to figure out first. What if it wasn’t her? What if it was someone else--maybe Olivia got her number changed? Maybe it was a telemarketer? How could she have even got her phone number in the first pace. Lia knew better than to ever ask the last question--if there was one thing the woman was, it was resourceful and connected. Lia never doubted that. Her time was running short and with a split second decision, her finger hit the green button and she took a deep breath. 

“Hello Magnolia,” The voice spoke first, calm and measured--calculative. It was no different than fifteen years ago and Lia felt her body grow even colder than before. “My, it’s been quite some time, hasn’t it?”

The phone was silent for a few moments, indicating that it was, in fact, Lia’s turn to speak. But when she opened her mouth, nothing came out. How was she supposed to answer her? It’d been fifteen years of radio silence--how does someone just start a casual conversation with their Momma after all that time? 

“Hi Momma.” It came out as a whisper and suddenly she was 15 again, nervous and afraid and ready for whatever tongue lashing the woman was about to throw down. “It, uh, sure has.” And who’s fault’s that, Momma? I’m sure it’s mine as well. 

“Magnolia, what is with the whispering? Please, speak up and annunciate, I didn’t teach you to mumble your way through life.” Lia cringed and nodded--even if she was on the phone. It was a learned reaction, one that she had apparently kept all her years. “Now, we have some business to discuss, don’t we?” 

“What?” Lia replied, her brows furrowing. Business could mean a lot of things to Mrs. Charlotte Barnes--and the blonde wasn’t sure she wanted to figure it out. 

“Well, it’s been fifteen years--surely there’s been some changes in your life. I mean, after all, moving to Chicago was a shift, no?” Lia’s mouth went dry. How did she know about Chicago? “Or, perhaps, other life changes--ones that might be a bit more monumental than a simple continental move?” 

Magnolia knew far better than to assume her mother was stupid--or that this phone call was full of warm nuptial wishes. It was too early in the morning for this--for any of this-- and yet suddenly here she was, thrown straight into the fire with no weapons, no armor, no plan of attack. 

“W-What are you talking about?” 

A tsk tsk passed through the other end of the phone and Lia’s momma’s voice got louder. “Magnolia, please--I am not stupid. You don’t think I’m going to find out if my daughter got married? You act as if I sleep under a rock or something. Of course I know what’s going on with you--I keep up with your life, I know your comings and goings more or less. You think I’d just...let it go after the stunt you pulled at that pageant? People still know your connections--they know who your father is. I couldn’t have you making us look like fools with your erratic behavior. Which is why I’m here to discuss your latest blunder. Do you have any idea what this is going to do your fathers poll numbers? And what kind of daughter gets married on a whim in Vegas without telling her family? How selfish of you.”

Magnolia nearly dropped her phone. Daughter. Stunt. Blunder.  Her momma knew where she was the whole time? If Lia hadn’t felt nauseous before, it was surely the case now. For fifteen years her momma had known exactly where she was, what she was doing--and she’d never reached out. She’d just...ignored her. The whole time. And she wasn’t even keeping up with her out of love or actual interest--but so that she didn’t make another mistake to ruin her father’s reputation. She closed her eyes as the phone stayed pressed to her ear, her entire body shaking. 

But instead of fear or temperature making her shiver, it was red, hot anger. Anger so visceral, her own body seemed to be out of Lia’s usual controlled composure. Magnolia wasn’t allowed to be angry--for so many years it was shoved so deep down inside her that she had learned to ignore it completely. She had learned to let things roll off her back spin it positively or just hide her frustration from the world. She laughed when Preston did things to get her goat, she never once raised her voice when Mr. Worthington made a snide comment. She had learned decorum and silence in the place of rage and sharp words. 

But then her mother had called her marriage a blunder.

“Selfish?” She blinked a few times, fighting the urge to let out a humorless laugh at the woman on the other end of the line. “Are you calling me selfish? Momma--momma, have you ever looked at yourself in a mirror? I’m not even convinced you know what that word means. Because if you did, you’d know full well that I am not the selfish one here. So I would appreciate if you refrain from calling me that.” Lia’s pause was brief, but her momma still tried to interject. “Oh, no--I’m not done. Not even close. Mind your manners now, Momma.” 

“As your daughter,” The word was sharp and cutting and it was aimed straight for her mother’s argument. “Let me paint you a picture.  Dressing room, a few weeks before Miss Teen USA. You screaming about the size of dress I was wearing as the poor clerk is just trying to help us. Me, sobbing in the fitting room over the realization that there will never be a day where you’ll say you’re proud of me.  Or, do you prefer a different one? A cold hospital room, doctors floating all around me, saying lots of big words I don’t understand. I’m terrified because I had just passed out on stage  and I don’t know what’s going on. All I wanted was a kind smile from you or a hug or something--and instead I got firey, silent rage.” Lia was on a roll now, her anger becoming her momentum. “Fifteen years old. My childhood bedroom. Father, barging into the room with a boxed and bags, throwing all of my things in it. No words, no explanation. Just a ‘pack your things you’re leaving’. A plane ticket, shoved in my hand and a empty car taking me to the airport. No hugs. No goodbyes. Just a stupid piece of paper in my hand. You didn’t even let me say goodbye to Jack. You just ripped me away from my entire life because you were too selfish to realize I might have needed help. That I might have been sick!”

Silence, on the other end of the phone. Lia took it as permission to continue.

“You decided I wasn’t your daughter when you sent me away. When you didn’t write to me. When I wasn’t allowed to come home for breaks or holidays. When you didn’t visit me. You lost all claim to that title the minute you shut those car doors. So no, you don’t get to use that card on me. It won’t work. Not anymore. 

“I am different than I was at fifteen, and I will not let you walk all over me anymore. You do not get to control my life--it’s mine and I will do what I want with it. These are my choices, these are my decisions and this is the way I will live my life. You have no say in this--and you sure as hell do not get to have a commentary on it either. You took yourself out of my life when I was fifteen, so don’t try to weasel your way back into it now. I don’t deserve that--and neither does Jack. Or Bennett. Or anyone else around me. You have been selfish, you have been cruel and so uncaring--and I wish you could understand the pain you’ve inflicted on the people you’re supposed to love the most. But you constantly ignore than because you’ve chosen yourself each and every time. I used to think there was something wrong with me--why wouldn’t my own momma want me in her life? But now I see that your choices are yours alone--they aren’t about me. They are all about you. 

“And don’t you ever, ever call my marriage a blunder. Or a mistake. Or anything like it. Yes, I did get married in Vegas to the love of my life, the only person I’ve ever loved--and there is no choice I’ve made that was easier or more secure. You can have whatever thoughts you want about it, but that’s on you Momma. I love him, I’d marry him a million times over in Vegas and I don’t particularly care what you think. Not everything is about you. I’m happy, I’m glowing--and I can’t believe you’d start off this conversation with making it about you. Or Father. I don’t care what it does to his poll numbers--it’s not about him. Your choices don’t just effect you--you didn’t happen to think about who else might have gotten hurt when you sent me to London. You didn’t think about the people in my life who cared about me, even when you didn’t. Jack is a good person--one of the best people--and he did not deserve the pain that my leaving caused. So don’t dare go and call my marriage to Jack a blunder simply because it didn’t happen according to the way you had wanted it to. People are not pawns for you to play with, Momma. Life is not a game of chess. And I’m done letting you act like it is with me.

“So I don’t think we have any business to discuss, actually. Or rather, I’ve discussed all I have with you. And while I’d like to sit and listen to your response, I actually have quite a few things I need to do today, including finishing decorating for Christmas with my husband. So, if you’ll excuse me--I must be heading off now. Bye.” 

One tap to the red button and the call disconnected. After the initial adrenaline faded from her body, Lia felt herself lean heavily on the balcony to take a breath. Oh my god, I cannot...cannot believe I did that. Lia had never talked back before in her life and then...then that came out. She sat in silence for a few moments, processing her conversation before a peal of laughter broke free from her chest. It was as if a ninety pound anvil had been lifted from her chest and for the first time in fifteen years, she could fully breathe. Her momma had no more control over her. She had said her piece and it was done--she was free. 

Riding her high, she quickly tapped on the screen, finally finding the words to tell Mr. Worthington. 

Sorry--won’t be there tonight. Something came up. See you Monday. 

Pressing the blue arrow, she sent the message on its way and powered her phone down, dropping it on the coffee table with a satisfying clunk. She wouldn’t be needing that any time soon. 

She quietly slipped back into the bedroom, crawling back into bed. “Wake up, sleepyhead--better get a move on or you’ll sleep the whole day away!” She grinned, kissing him on his cheek. After all--she wasn’t kidding when she said she had a lot of things to do today. But perhaps, they could just wait a few more minutes. 

( @malnatimedia​ )

[anthonycrowleymoved]

HAIR SURVEY RESULTS TWO: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

i know this was a long time coming. without further ado, i’m going to show you the final scores. then, if you so choose, you can go in and see my ~further analysis and information~ as well as other details and a comparison of lev’s earlier survey.

SO. here’s how it worked. i had a total of 561 people rank 16 of crowley’s hairstyles. i wanted people to rank the hairstyles to see if the results differed from when people were asked what their favorite overall style was. each person who gave a hairstyle a ranking of 1 contributed 16 points towards that style, 2 contributed 15 points, and so on. this means the lowest possible score a Look™ can get is 561, and the highest is 8976 (16 x 561)

OFFICIAL RANKINGS:

1. 2012 BUN - 7965

2. GOLGOTHA - 7108

3. PRESENT DAY - 7060

4. 2007 HAIR - 6988

5. MESOPOTAMIA - 6820

6. EDEN - 5547

7. 1941 (CHURCH SCENE) - 5406

8. 1967 - 4644

9. 2012 NANNY - 4146

10. BOOK!CROWLEY - 3650

11. 1970s - 3408

12. 33 AD (ROME) - 3040

13. 1601 (SHAKESPEARE) - 2770

14. 541 AD (KNIGHTS) - 2751

15. 1862 - 2708

16. 1793 (FRENCH REVOLUTION) - 2477

DISCUSSION OF OVERALL RESULTS

graphic representation of all of the results, in descending order. as you can see, bun was the runaway lead, with the next four highest scoring looks™ pretty close together. similarly, the shakespeare look, knight look, and sideburn look are all similarly hated.

fig. 2: scores sorted by in-universe order of appearance. i think it’s interesting to look at this and see that there seems to be....sort of a trend. in general people seem to like the very early looks and the very modern looks, with the lowest scoring looks all clumped together.

INDIVIDUAL RESULTS

now, i’d like to discuss the individual breakdown of each look™, to determine how universally it was liked or disliked, or alternately the distribution of votes 

eden

eden had an average score of 9.89. people seemed pretty middle of the road on this look, with the occasional person either loving it or hating it. it’s a lot more divisive than a lot of his hairstyles for sure. (me, i personally thought it verged a bit into ‘bad wig’ territory, and i did see a couple people thinking the same)

mesopotamia

i was kind of surprised by this one being as low as it was! obviously it was in that grouping of popular hairstyles, but i feel like the general consensus you read on here is that this is the fan favorite. apparently not so. the average score was 12.16, however, which, not bad. people in general did tend to like this look, obviously, with a few holdouts scattered about

golgotha

fun fact! this is my personal favorite because, the headscarf. my god. iconic. and apparently y’all agree! it eeked out second place with an average score of 12.67

rome

so this is the first. not great look. people don’t seem to be crazy about this one. it had an average score of 5.41

knight look

“oh maggie why is this even here we can’t see his hair” It’s My Survey And I Get To Choose The Looks. but anyway. no one liked this. seriously. this is the first one that didn’t get a single person to give it the top spot. average score was 4.903, which also isn’t great.

1601

look, i know you’re supposed to be unbiased or whatever, but this is a tumblr survey and none of this matters. i hate this look. i hate it so much i often forget it exists out of self preservation. even now as i type this i know if i scroll up i’ll see that terrible facial hair, and i saw it like a minute ago when i uploaded the picture, but i can’t for the life of me remember what it looks like because my brain has put up a protective barrier. you all seem to agree with me, as the average score of this is just 4.94. excellent taste all around

1793

LAST PLACE. i don’t completely. GET. the hatred of this one. i found it to be. very middle of the road. fine i suppose. but the people have spoken with an average score of just 4.42. so what do i know

1862

another one no one said was their favorite. i mean. fair. this one had an average of 4.83, and many people said this was his most heterosexual look, and i agree. bad. 

1941

this one seemed to be a bit middle of the road for people, which is kind of understandable. it’s a great hat, but i get that people like the more dramatique™ looks better. had an average score of 9.64, so like. not bad

1967

now this one was ALLLLL over the place. people love it, people hate it, people are indifferent. average score was 8.28, which, again, shows how split this one was. i for one welcome john lennon and joyce byers’ demon lovechild.

1970s

i’m so mad. average score was 6.07. this is my second favorite hairstyle overall. yes, seriously. anyway you all are wrong and that’s all i have to say about that have a good night

1990s

people kept asking me why i included the illustration from the modern cover of the book, and the primary reason was because i thought it would be funny, which is why i do most things. i also was kind of wondering what people would do with it, and the answer is seemingly ‘question why it was there.’ i wish there was a way i could have included ‘your own personal headcanon for what he looked like while reading the book,’ but alas this is as close as i could get. average score was 6.51. the people who gave said this was their favorite are my heroes, and one person described him as looking like an insurance salesman, which like. thank you from the bottom of my heart

2007

yeah. okay. i nicknamed this one ‘cursed’ in my master list. i don’t get it. i’m so sorry. i am like, the singular holdout who just can’t stand this hair. but i am very much in the minority, everyone else seems to love it. average score was 12.46. good for you, 2007 crowley. i will never understand you

2012 (Nanny)

this is the last....not great look. again, a bit all over the place. average score was 7.39.

2012 (Bun)

i LOVE this hairstyle, but i was blown away by how high it was on lev’s poll and i’m blown away again with how high it is here. i just feel like we collectively never talk about how much we love the bun look, and then when we’re asked we go feral. this had an average score of 14.19. how. gender, indeed.

present

ahhh, the classic tennant hair. a solid look. no one really seems to dislike it, it’s just. not everyone’s top spot. there’s nothing offensive about it, clearly, but i don’t think it sets anyone off like some of the other top contenders. and i’m slightly surprised how little we talk about this hairstyle considering how popular it is (and i get it, he looks like every lesbian i’ve ever had a crush on who was painfully out of my league), but again, that might be because it’s Tennant Classic™. average score was 12.58.

LEV DYKEIEL’S RESULTS VERSUS MAGGIE ANTHONYCROWLEY’S RESULTS: A BRIEF ANALYSIS

the main reason i wanted to do this in the first place was to see if the results changed at all from lev’s survey when i asked people to rank their choices rather than just choose their favorite. the answer is actually like, kind of! not majorly, but a bit. the comparison as it stands without the entries that did not appear on both lists:

if you want to see the changes more easily, i’ve done some color coding here:

as you can see, there were definitely some shifts, but what i’d like to focus on is the change in rank of the golgotha hair, the two that came in last place, and the sixties and seventies looks. for the golgotha hair, i suspect that because it was so close to the mesopotamia hair, the vote may have been split a bit, whereas here you could have realistically given both a good score. lev also said that in their results, after the 2012 bun look, 2007, present, and mesopotamia were kind of always in a bit of a tie with each other, whereas this was the case with mine with the addition of the golgotha hair. taking that into consideration i think it’s interesting that that one ended up getting second place. 

i also think it’s interesting that france wasn’t in last place on lev’s poll, because there’s such a huge difference in points between the sideburn look and the french revolution look according to my numbers. however, as i said before, no one actually picked sideburns as their favorite on this survey, but there were a couple of people who like, loved the revolution hair. i think that may have ended up giving lev and i slightly different results, as the revolution hair is like ‘you either really love it for some reason (rare) or despise it’ and the 1860s hair is like ‘you either hate it or you’re lukewarm about it’. 

similarly, the shift in rank in both the sixties and seventies looks is also interesting, because they both moved kind of significantly. i think the 60s look changed because, as i said, it seemed to be a pretty divisive look. people don’t seem to be agreed on how much they like it, so there are people really Into It who voted it as their favorite on lev’s, but there are also people who HATE IT. i think something sort of similar happened with the 70s look in the opposite direction. i think not many people LOVE it, but a lot of people kind it not to be like, the worst one. as a result it went up a bit because, while few people consider it their favorite (can’t relate), a few people were like ‘okay it’s fun’ and ranked it semi-high, or at least there was more of a distribution than some of the more hated looks. also it’s almost 2 am i hope this analysis makes sense because words. the english language.

ANYWAY THOSE ARE MY RESULTS I KNOW I PROMISED TABLEAU GRAPHICS BUT I FORGOT I NO LONGER HAVE A LICENSE FOR THAT BECAUSE I GRADUATED AND ALSO IT LOOKS FINE WITH THE GOOGLE GRAPHICS AND I DON’T WANT TO MAKE MY LIFE HARDER COOL BYE!

[violetsystems]

#personal

My connection is super trashy this morning much like the cards I’ve been dealt in life these days.  It seems like my actual turn in whatever game is in play gets ignored more blatantly.  I found an old USB on the shelf cleaning a couple of days ago.  On it was a copy of Rise of Skywalker, Ninku, and Blade Runner.  I’ve watched Blade Runner a thousand times and never picked up on the chess game.  Bishop to King Seven.  A famous move I made the link to in a post here only countered by forking in tandem with the opposing knight.  The Immortal Game.  Sometimes if you really believed you were living in a simulation there’s magic moments such as that.  To me it’s really just the poetry of my life I live with nobody else gets but me.  I write about it sure.  I listen to Steely Dan all day too.  Nobody wants to hear from men right now I get it.  Especially Jerry Saltz and the neoliberal elite.  But that’s where I came from.  And judging from the dead responses on LinkedIn when it comes to networking, people would rather forget I even existed.  I feel like sometimes I get the hint and most of the last three months has been hobbling away from that.  My generation was the first generation after the boomers to be forgotten about.  We were in constant rebellion at the sheer audacity of how we were supposed to live.  Subsequently we were never really designed to rise up from under that thumb unless we were part of the family.  And the one thing I’ve learned from the tax hell I look at every day in my financial planning is that families definitely have more opportunities to avoid paying their fair share of taxes.  I’m an only child.  Never been married.  Never had children.  Mentored enough people to know I’d be a good father.  But overlooked, ridiculed and shunned enough to feel like I’m worthless.  Ironically for the first time in my life, I’m worth something on paper to a bank and a credit union.  Possibly to the companies I still hold equity in.  But for me it’s a very unique situation to be in.  Painted in a fucking corner with nobody to tell you what to do other than your better judgement.  I don’t wonder if my plan for the next year is right for the long run.  The long run has been just that.  Twenty years of my life just vanishing in a blink.  People eerily waiting for you get the hint.  Appalled at the audacity, like Terrell when Roy Batty confronts his maker.  Why can’t I live?  Everything out of Terrell’s mouth is an excuse.  Replicants were made to serve not made to last.  Every last inch of life has been accounted for and speculated against.  Terrell and the makers coo that you should feel great joy you have a purpose in their eyes.  And yet I’ve seen things you humans wouldn’t believe. I’ve seen everything in my old office disappear into the trash without any real confirmation.  I’ve seen friends I helped through thick and thin respond cold, callous and on some sort of script fearing legal action.  I’ve seen barely anyone but my neighbors between grocery drop offs.  And most likely they’re just nosy. 

Everyone makes sure they are in proximity of me when I crack and open up to the world.  This is still people’s assumption.  That I’m looking for new friends after all of this.  That my vulnerability can be further speculated on.  That I can still be trapped.  After sitting here with no closure listening to people’s problems but having my own go completely unnoticed.  Much like the replicants in Blade Runner, I have no prime directive other than to walk around and look cool in military upcycled gear.  I check my LinkedIn notifications to look for jobs.  There are some bright spots.  Mostly in China.  Everything else is a team of salesmen and recruiters looking for desperate contractors to overhaul IT departments they bought after laying off entire staff.  It’s the equivalent of getting back into the market like a scab.  All the salaries are the same for these kinds of jobs.  And it would be a lateral move with no pay increase.  These are for profit jobs.  I spent twenty years in a non profit with barely a cost of living raise.  That was the salary I achieved.  Nielsen Gallup polls and artistic corporate analysis has stolen everything from me, including my non profit salary and made it the new normal.  I was barely able to escape any sort of lifestyle creep including debt.  I chewed my way out of it alone.  Made to feel undesirable and worthless.  Received a few lump sums after the reduction of force.  And the markets are beating the war drum out there like the best thing to do is to put it all back in the hands of corporations that won’t look me in the eye to hire me.  All the while, people pretend that I’m not real enough to talk to.  I’m a ghost that conflicts the lies people hope no one uncovers.  An inconvenient truth to even myself.  And this is where the politics stop for me.  I have to live like everyone else.  America is on a collision course with everything these days.  Ruth Bader Ginsburg was a shining light of hope for getting out of the clutches of disturbing Christian White men who treat money like a whip.  Mitch McConnell is already dancing on her grave at this point.  These people have no shame.  Trying to push a supreme court candidate before the elections to further their political agenda.  An agenda that has nothing to do with respect for freedom unless it benefits their interests and way of life.  The American dream in this respect is and has always been a total lie.  To be betrayed by it and left for dead is something I have already learned from.  And my grand chess move is the same as it was a few weeks ago.  In the meantime I sold all my blizzard stock to buy IBM while they partner with London fashion week.  Even if the speculative value of my portfolio is trash, that trade confirmation went through loud and clear.  We all have different values in America for sure.  But the people who bought and lobbied their way into offices have little value to me.  

The way things look for me, I will be sitting out until February at the earliest.  I’ve budgeted myself out with health insurance.  The premiums are fucking outrageous and I had a chance to open enroll two weeks before I was let go.  I could have softened the financial burden if somebody would have just let me know.   If I would have had any lead time I would have made some different decisions.  But after twenty years, I was treated in a way that sent a real message.  One that nobody seems to be able to carry the weight of other than me.  It’s a unique situation.  Capitalists would love to shower praise on it as being the spirit of entrepreneurship.  But we all know that’s some Ayn Rand survival of the fittest bullshit.  There’s two choices.  You either believe the pyramid scheme and give up your money, power, and influence for the greater agenda.  Or you get ostracized.  Generation X in America was always an alienated group.  Maybe we were the first to realize how we were being scammed.  Some of us got dropped out of the nest and cracked.  The Kurt Kobains that succumbed to heroin and suicide.  The ground wasn’t very soft during those times.  A stable job seemed like an accomplishment.  Truthfully there are jobs out there that require over ten years of experience.  It’s a nice option to have.  A resume that actually looks like you’ve done something even if nobody wants to acknowledge you even existed.  But when I look around for answers in this city I find very little.  I have a safe place to stay for awhile without having to do much.  I got approved for a license for Ableton Live.  It’s the first time I’ve owned it.  I spent last night replacing the SSD in my laptop with a terabyte drive with faster read and write speeds.  With the ram upgrade I can do video and audio on the fly without blinking.  I write in my sleep and I communicate organically throughout all of this.  I’ve had to own my struggles and pain time and time again only to be buried.  And at this point, my friends down here realize my side of the story more than most.  And I’m sure it feels hurtful and hopeless to know what I’ve been through doesn’t mean all that much because I’m a Steely Dan fan.  The truth is people will grasp at straws to throw stones in a glass house.  Capitalism is a self destructive behavior.  There’s not enough to go around to feed the hungry shareholders, the investors, the financiers, the lawyers, the useless aspects of society speculate on paper currency and not human spirit.  We end up confronting it sooner or later.  And the answer we get is simple.  Bishop to King Seven is checkmate.  You have no more moves.  And I’m done hearing the excuses.  I have won the game.  I am simply waiting for your concession.  If I have to wait all winter, please know that I’ve burnt enough bridges to stay warm.  Hate to throw cold water on the plans to keep me obsolete.  My incept date passed a long time ago.  And while most of my past is lost in the rain, I am at least still human enough to cry.  Make no mistake I shed no tears for winning. <3 Tim

[foxydivaxx]

Osiris Chapter 1

That poll with Rami Malek inspired me to write this fic because lets be honest, DC has not done Osiris, the Black Adam Family or majority of their Middle Eastern characters justice. Osiris for instance was badly written and turned into Superboy Prime junior in the pre-New 52 timeline and in New 52, he was killed off in his only appearance. Like da fuck DC?! That character had so much potential. Not just him, a lot of the Titans then had a lot of potential but you screwed these kids up. The storyline that was established for him in Brightest Day was a very interesting one and  would have been more awesome if the Black Adam family actually had their own comic series. Look at what Marvel has done with Kamala Khan. Imagine what would have happened if either Osiris or anyone of the other kids got that opportunity. Anyways enough ranting and onto the fic itself. Rami Malek is Osiris’ FC here. This chapter is just an intro (or reintroduction to those that are familiar with him) to the character.

“I wanted to save the world.”

That is the answer I always give to people whenever they ask me to explain my motives or why I chose to be a hero in the first place.

There are times when I question my worth or my sanity because I have been through quite a lot of hell. Like if one were to ask me to define a tragic hero, I would point at myself.

For starters, my early childhood in Egypt was not blissful. You are staring at a boy who got constantly bullied as a kid because I looked different. Compared to other kids then, my skintone was slightly darker than normal Egyptian standards. Secondly, my eyes are huge, very owl-like that kids then cruelly nicknamed me ‘Bug Eyes.’

I would often go cry in a corner afterwards because besides the name calling, I had to endure days of severe beatings at the hands of those bullies. Making matters worse was my birth father whose name I would rather not mention. Why you might ask? Well thing is......he was an abusive asshole.

He would beat my mum, my older sister Adrianna and myself up a lot. Things got so bad that I ran away from home, never to be seen nor heard from again. Life on the streets was hard as the little money I got from mum was not enough, forcing me to fend for myself via pickpocketing and other means.

Then one day, everything changed. A crime syndicate known as Intergang captured me and took me to one of their concentration camps. 

As fate would have it, my beloved sister Adrianna was amongst the captured. My parents’ absence there was enough to tell me what had become of them. Unfortunately we had no time to grieve becuase the Intergang bastards dragged us away and began to drug and torture us. 

Adrianna was whisked away to be given to Black Adam whilst I remained with those bastards. Somehow, I was able to resist their mind control. Might be strong will power or possibly their methods were not working. Unfortunately for me, I got the beating of my life as those bastards clubbed me almost to death. I remember the pain, the blood, the tears, the anger I felt as nerve by nerve I was struck down till my legs were rendered numb.

Thankfully, Adrianna now the superheroine Isis and her husband Black Adam showed up just before death snatched me away. Isis tried to heal me but to no avail because the damage dealt to me was that severe. Adam was kind enough to give me a dose of his power as he felt that that was the only way to save me.  Unfortunately he was right because whenever I revert  back to my normal form, I am completely paralyzed from the ground up.

Anyway, thanks to that, myself, Adam and Isis formed a superhero team and family and I officially became the hero known as Osiris. Why Adrianna named me this is beyond me though. I was expecting something like Horus xD.

Anyways, we became a team and went around doing as much good deeds as we could. Heck I even joined the Team at one point even though most of them do not remember my name and often call me Black Adam Junior. Talk about insulting.

Yeah I did kill someone to protect Adrianna but that was a honest mistake. I did not realize that using my powers that way would harm someone like that. Plus I was still new to the superhero game anyway.

I left the Titans for a brief period after Wonder Girl asked me to hand myself over to the authorities for killing Persuader. I beat the shit out of her and called her out on her own hypocrisy on the spot because this girl also mistakenly killed someone in self defense of her mother years ago and yet, she has the guts to call me out on that? 

Still the girl later apologised for this and I forgave and rejoined the Team. Still, I kept on having nightmares and panic attacks regularly. As if that wasn’t enough, I was forced to return to Kahndaq because of a serious of horrific events happening there. 

Sobek my so-called best friend manipulated me into thinking that Adam was the one responsible for everything and I even attacked poor Adam for his troubles. I later made up my mind to leave Kahndaq but first I wanted to get rid of Adam’s powers feeling that they were corrupting me. I had also heard a lot about Adam’s terrible past atrocities and got paranoid about the stigma that followed our family because of him.

I did not believe that someone like Adam could actually change and that he was probably manipulating and using Adrianna for his own selfish purposes. Or at least that was what I was led into thinking.

I gotta hand it to Sobek here. He really is that good of an actor and a master manipulator. He was able to isolate me from the other Titans, making it seem like they were the bad guys whereas they are all good natured people and some of them have dark pasts or are dealing with dark presents.

Anyways, Sobek advised me to de-transform into my civilian form and that way, get rid of the curse though he expressed fake concern for me as he knew that I was crippled but I assured him that all would be well. Big mistake on my part because Sobek took advantage of my weakened state and ate me up alive, leaving me as mere bones.

I do not know much about that other than the fact that I was mummified and buried in a tomb. Soon afterwards, I was awakened from the dead by that cursed Black Lantern ring. My people feared me because well I was supposed to be dead and there I was wandering about in mummified form, trying to make a sense of the world around me. 

Sobek’s subsequent arrival made it all click especially with the explanation he gave. He is one of the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse, a group of four bioengineered monsters specifically created to destroy us the Black Marvel Family and he was Yurd, the Horseman of Faminine.

That alone infuriated me. How could I have been so naive to have taken pity upon a wretch like him? How could I have allowed myself to be played like that?! 

I lost my shit and the two of us engaged in combat. Unfortunately I was outmatched because Sobek was a far more better fighter than I expected. Nervertheless, there was only one simple way to end a fight in our current state. Using the last of my energy, I called on the name of the very man that saved my life, channelling the thunderous rage of justice upon myself and Sobek, killing us both and severring the connections we both had to those blasted Black Lantern rings.

Still the White Lantern ring resurrected me much later on as well as the rest of the other slain heroes and a couple of villains. I know Sobek is still out there somewhere but right now, he is not my priority. Things have gotten better for me since that incident as I lived a normal life despite still being a paraplegic. My main priority now is to find out what caused both Adam and Isis to get petrified and try to undo the mess that has befallen my family and Kahndaq and maybe try and set things right without going astray.

So here we go. Hope you all like it. I tried my best with this guy because there are some things that were not mentioned so I just filled in the blanks for him and his family and also kind of retconned some things like his involvement with the Titans for instance. It is mostly Young Justice based but elements of the Teen Titans comics are there.

[jibrillenyan]

Eldarya Valentine Event Review

So, as everyone who reads the guide blog knows, I try my best to stay 400% neutral there; I don't want to impose my opinions on people who just want to know what the right answers are and, to be honest, I tend to keep to myself anyway. But I've often been asked to share my opinions at least on this Tumblr (there was actually a poll a few years ago, where I asked if people wanted that and I just realized I never started posting opinions anyway. XD sorry, I'm so terribad at this) so here I am, being asked my thoughts on the matter and answering, for once. I also noticed I suck at tagging; blame the fact that this is just an info-blog about the guide website, I promise I'll go back and sort them out. I will tag Personal opinion posts or the ones about myself with "Purrsonal" so you can skip them if you want. (All) that being said, the Valentine event... under the cut because it’s extra long.

As usual, it started with bugs. Yeah, ok, let's move on, there is nothing new to say. I really wish they tested this stuff a bit before tossing it on us. 

"Victim of its own success" my @$$.

Outfits: Truth be told, I overall don't like them. There are some pieces that I find absolutely great but that is it. Valkyon's especially is really weird to look at, more like a chastity device than date outfit, even if I do like the boots, and the shoulderpads aren't that bad I guess. Hopefully people have better taste than me and can appreciate them more, but for me, having to pay potentially so much more than usual for outfits that I like far less was a bit of a disappointment.

Money: In that regard, yes you do pay more, a lot more, it's not just you, it's a fact. On average (there was some market involved, plus the occasional energy potion... blablabla) the 2017 event, assuming optimal completion (not spending more than strictly necessary) cost a whole 80 maana (or less!) for 3 outfits. The 2018 event? 0. Yep, all free. 2019? We are talking about 1200 maana (optimal completion) and we all know many of us didn't optimally complete. It sucked.

True, this is the only event you can finish early without spending a single gold coin (2017 and 2018 required gold coins if you made mistakes or skipped some days that didn't depend on knowing the answers), but it's also the only event where if you want the companion you have to pay. 2017? present from Leiftan, free. 2018, Completion Prize, free.

Companion: As someone who watched My Little Pony as a toddler, it's simply adorable. Diabetes-inducing adorable, but still adorable. Plus, it's animated (but it kinda looks like it's having a seizure...)! Is it the start of a trend? Stats are really not great (unless puberty hits reaaally hard and the adult is a half-miracle), but I caved in and bought it at least on the Italian version. It sucks that it's not free. :( The fact that the companion could only be obtained by paying for it was the biggest downside of this event for me, and I think that it was also the first time this happened outside an episode since the game came out internationally. /Sadpanda.

Background: I love backgrounds, and this is very sugary, but beautiful; I just wish it didn't replace the companion as completion reward, because if I HAD to choose between the 2, I would have preferred the latter, as much as I wish we had more event backgrounds, companions are just more useful, especially for newbies.

Mechanics: My biggest complain here is the cost, too high. We had all foreseen the use of the newly acquired alchemy minigame as the engine for this event, and while some don't like it, I was ok with that. It's just too expensive to be likable. We never had to pay so much for a Valentine event and I hope it won't repeat itself. On the bright side, it's not a skill minigame, so it's not something we can fail. Considering the issues many had during the last events, perahps at least THAT is a good thing. It's nice that you can find the ingredients everywhere, including the low energy areas, but I would have preferred if they had split the loot pool among them instead of everything dropping everywhere; finding everything you need for a specific outfit, especially the scrolls, is extremely hard with these chances, and the scrolls are 100 maana. Which brings me to the next point: the final questions. While I like the idea of a tiny-mini-episode inside the event with its answers to guess, God Bless the guides, because I'd like to see people complete this event using no extra maana or gold, without relying on people who paid to advance faster. If you try to do it staying in those 1200 maana, the optimal completion, you submit yourselves to the the RNGesus, and it could take DAYS to complete a route. Now, imagine getting a couple of answers wrong, and having to wait a DAY to retry... get them all wrong and you take 13 days JUST for the answers... it's a bit crazy. Cant we have, I don't know, an attempt every 4-6 hours? It's like they are really trying hard to make us spend money this time around.

Story: Well, can't say that I liked seeing Gardienne "Unable to control herself" and cheating on her boyfriend, mostly because I don't think it was necessary. If you haven't played episode 19 yet, the boyfriend is not mentioned, as you are in that weird out-of-time situation where there is no boyfriend yet, and it doesn't feel as terrible. Yes, "you" are still kissing someone you may not like for the sake of the outfit/illustration with no option to opt out, but at the same time, it's quite mild and it is just a dream... I wish it had been like that for accounts past episode 19 as well. This version leaves a sour taste in my mouth and knocks my Erika LOM meter down a few notches. Yes, I understand it's a dream, and I'm fully aware people dream really weird stuff sometimes, where you do things you'd never do in real life and have no control over yourself, but she doesn't even show any embarassment or regret upon waking up. I also do not identify with the MC in this kind of game so I'm mighty fine with disliking her or her actions (not the first time~~~); I would probably not have minded a situation like this for the story's sake. It would have been interesting to explore (although, I'm always a bit scared about trusting Beemoov with this stuff, they can't handle it very well). But it is supposed to be a cute valentine event, and it would have taken so little to make this more palatable for everyone. Was it really necessary to add this tiny bit of angst?

Overall opinion: I know I criticized a lot, this event was probably among the ones I've liked the least, mostly for the excessive cost and some debatable choices on the story. I did like some things though, including using the alchemy minigame (I know I'm in the minority here :p), mostly because it requires no skill, something that has caused issues in the past - minigames hard to play on touch screens, color impairments, etc., etc. - and I liked the fact that they removed Daily gates - the fact you couldn't advance past the missions of the day unless you paid. This event could be completed in a day if you wanted, and with a bit of luck without spending a single gold coin, that was nice. I'm not sure I would like another event like this, but there was some potential that I hope won't be immediately discarded.

Loved the best (ranked 1st to 4th + Bonus to be fair since I listed 5 things I dislike XD): 1. I LOVE THE TIMER ON THE CORNER, underappreciated little bastard *heart* 2. No daily gates, you could finish the entire event in one day or in 12, without spending extra money. 2. The mini-episode at the end. The idea of it at least, I've already said I don't like some of the... content. 3. No luck with explorations? You can finish the event with maana. It's nice that you can use maana (and not gold coins) to finish the event if you are unlucky or don't have enough time. 4. No hard-to-do minigames (I've never had an issue with them, but I've heard of hundreds of people who did.) 5. The background and the companion were overly cute.

Hated the beast (ranked 1st to 4th + Special guest star): 1. Companion in Gold coins only, my biggest disappointment 2. The whole cheating thing. Why? Was it needed? 3. Having to pay maana for an event, when the ones before were all free 4. Disregarding personal taste, I don't think Valkyon outfit was suited for a Valentine day date. 5. And once again, the bugs. I just... don't... have... any polite words left for it. It's last only because it's featured in every single event, so it has lost the novelty effect.

[crimsonbluemoon]

Poll Results and Help Needed!

Okay so, I should have put this information out a couple days ago buuuut my bifthday (thank you, everyone, for being simply the best ever!!)and my stupidly long story sort of took over my life. But now we’re here! So after tallying up all the votes from people, there was a resounding winner that kinda surprised me...drum roll please! And the winner waaaas....

1) Do a video stream answering questions that were sent in about writing tips/my life/upcoming stories/BBS boys/random topics and interact with people who come to said stream.

I’m a little stunned? I mean, I love artists who do live streams so you can see their work but I didn’t think people would actually want this from a writer. I mean Brian and Mini do Q and As and stuff as well so I shouldnt be as confused as I am. I don’t know if I’m as interesting as them, but I can only try my best. ^.^

So now that this is a thing, I’ll need your help. I will be picking a date sometime in June in order to do the video steam (most likely a friday night, so people don’t have to worry about school and what not). In the meantime, I’d love for followers to send me questions or topics that they would like me to talk about in the stream/video. Here are the options of choice: 

 -Writing tips: How I create stories, how to organize, how to stay inspired, things like this? -My life: Things about me or my past that got me to where I am today -Upcoming stories: Any ideas you’d like me to explain more? What to look forward to regarding plot lines, relationships, or spoilers for the summer? -BBS: Favorite boys, favorite couples, “Person A or Person B”, who I think would do certain things, or just general thoughts on specific BBS members -Random topics: Whatever else you think I can help with, so long as its Pg-13. Since I’ve got a lot of fans who are under 18, I can’t be going into too much NSFW stuff, though I will answer some questions about it as long as it’s not graphic (things like tips for writing it or music to use or things like that) 

And obviously, I’d love for you guys to come visit me during the stream thing! I’m also going to answer questions that come up in the stream as well, so even if you just want to stop by and say hello to me I’d be happy to have a conversation with you.  I don’t know if I’ll actually have a face cam on, I may just spoil you guys with some plot outlines or timeline structures for upcoming stories, but you’ll deff get to hear my voice and talk with me. And those who submit a question will get a shoutout from me during the stream! ^.^ 

So you’ve got like a month for this event, I’ll be posting and reblogging this weekly to remind you guys, but I hope that you’ll participate. The more questions and people involved, the better. Thank you all again for the 1000 followers, and make sure to send in those questions! <3 

Sincerely,

Crimson

[theliterateape]

Election 2020: Swimming in Sewage Toward a Different Kind of More Hopeful Cesspool

by Don Hall

8:00 a.m.

I wake up a few hours ago. Slept like the dead. I read through the same bullshit with poll numbers and predictions with the same combination of hope, certainty, uncertainty, and boredom as I did yesterday and the day before. Yeah. Trump is a full-blown dickhead. Biden is a truly nice guy. Will Texas go blue? Do I even know anyone from Texas anymore?

My wife wakes up. She’s helping friends move to North Carolina by helping them drive their shit for the next week as if today is not anything big. She gives me a blowjob and gets a bagel.

I’m not worried about the results of today. I truly am confident that the nation will tip back into some semblance of rationality and dump Trump. I’m more interested to see how it all unfolds and if the deposed Mad King will take a shit on the desk in the Oval as a parting gesture in three months.

I have this image of he and his whole skeleton crew, fully repudiated by a massive and historic blue wave, sitting in the White House like squatters, selling off pieces of our national history on Ebay and hiding from His Majesty as he stomps through the hallways screaming at portraits of presidents past about the unfairness of it all.

In tandem is the image of the cultural left sharpening their knives to go in full attack once Biden is sworn in to remake the country into some bizarre Maoist Shangri-La doing what the Left always does — cannibalize it’s own — while the defeated Republicans pretend they were never in league with Trump but held hostage by him like the rest of us.

Fuck me. This is going to be a long day, isn’t it?

10:00 a.m.

I’m not terribly worried that Trump & Co. will steal the election.

I remember years ago a prominent Chicago poet who dressed and spoke like a rap star telling me “It ain’t the n****rs who talk about shit you have to worry about. They’re all bark and no bite. It’s the quiet ones you need to keep an eye on.”

Trump has been barking about stealing the election for months now and I’m pretty certain a man so overwhelmingly incompetent as the one who completely blew both his debate appearances and fucked up a national response to an epic pandemic so horribly that a retarded child could’ve done better is not going to suddenly reveal that he is an evil genius capable of stealing one of the most televised elections in history.

I’m likewise less concerned about the rabid, angry Trumpers wreaking havoc on the country. They were never in this for a long campaign. They couldn’t even take COVID seriously enough to wear masks. They’ll make some noise, get into some melees for a few days and then slink home and grouse just like their hero.

I wonder what the Antifa crowd will do once Trump is deposed? Start an emo band? Go back to working at Starbucks and REI? I hope they decide to occupy Kentucky and reign terror on Mitch McConnell. It’s a terrible thing to say but the party I’ll throw in my semi-quarantined apartment when Trump loses tonight (this week? Next month?) will be nothing when compared to the full-on Mardi Gras parade I’ll throw when the Evil Senator from Kentucky dies. I’m known to say that I can’t hate someone unless I’ve met them but I fucking hate Mitch.

I read a weird op-ed online that essentially thanks Trump for giving us four years reprieve from the cultural warriors of the Far Left. I wish I read it in a paper so I could wipe my ass with it because an iPad makes for an uncomfortable symbolic gesture.

I shower and get dressed. I’m on shift tonight at the casino so I’ll be dealing with the regular crowd while history unfolds like a soiled sheet and you can’t quite tell if that’s a bloodstain or merely ketchup. 

For our sixth anniversary, Dana got me my eleventh tattoo. She came up with a cool design concept: a Chicago tattoo for my right back shoulder that included the baby in the clamshell from the City of Chicago flag, a light blue background and three of the red six-point stars of Chicago, each representing one of my three decades there. She booked an artist in a very chic studio who happened to be a great trace artist but not so much with the original design thing.

As it stands, it’s a fine tattoo with some elements that look like a child drew them with a Sharpie. Not great but growing on me. But the odd thing is that it being being on back, I don’t see it so I forget it’s there. Reminds me that as Americans we tend to dwell on history but not what is directly behind us. We’ll send Trump packing and immediately forget how embarrassing he was and set into attacking the new administration because it isn’t as brazenly Marxist as we fought for (I use ‘we’ although I actually voted for Biden’s moderation).

12:00 p.m.

Dropped Dana off for her trip. Ran some stuff home. I’m now actively avoiding anything news related. I receive an email that our division of casinos is not putting the election coverage on the screens in our Sportsbooks and I’m relieved.

2:00 p.m.

At the casino now. It’s pretty empty and I’m unsurprised. I’m informed that the larger properties and on the Strip there are special task force groups of LVMPD set up at every location to stem any bad partisan behavior in the casinos. For our property, I’m the task force.

I recall clearly the night four years ago when so many of us were so certain Hillary had it in the bag only to be gut-punched around 9:00 p.m. with the news that Trump had won the thing. Unlike so many, I accepted the result regardless of fact that she won the popular vote. Until we sack up and remove the Electoral College, that’s a legitimate win.

5:25 p.m.

I checked. I couldn’t help myself. The only thing that pisses me off is that Mitch won Kentucky, that sour, putrid fuckface.

Yeah. I really want the Dems to sweep this up. The question I’m asking myself is if we repeat 2016, why? The answer so many gravitate to is that half the country is racist but I’m not buying that reductive bullshit. If I had to guess, half the country doesn’t buy into the identity politic of the Far Left.

Alright. Enough. Optimism. Fucking optimism.

7:30 p.m.

At this point I have to remind myself that Dems voted overwhelmingly early and so many of those votes are still to be counted. I’ll admit, I’m surprised that Trump is even competitive but given my disdain for the Wokesters I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. If I can’t take them someone from the rural side of Texas probably hates them as much as I hate Mitch.

I was hoping for a blow-out but it’s looking more and more like this thing will get decided in the courts over mail-in votes.

On the floor, no one is talking about the history unfolding. By now, the place is about half-full and people are far more concerned with getting their comp drinks and hitting payouts. I overhear a couple of guys at the blackjack table. They think the Dems are going down. One thinks it’s because of Kamala Harris. I walk away without saying a word.

If there’s anything we should have learned from 2000 is that, under no circumstances should the Blue concede until every last vote is counted. Every last fucking vote.

I’m finding a bit of Zen. We aren’t going to know who won tonight. In some ways this is a good thing. It means Trump will be wrapped up battling the process rather than losing and tearing shit apart out of petulance. We still have a raging pandemic and our economy is shredded.

The divide in this country is not one of race or racism. The divide is between city mice and country mice. As the picture emerges, the urban centers of almost every state skews left in statewide seas of rural red. It also demonstrates how deeply unpopular the extremes are with the opposing sides. The racial identity politics of the Far Left — you know, the folks who flatly state that all white people are racist — and the strident authoritarianism of the Far Right — you know, the ones who love the police and lotsa guns — are so toxic that equal measures of citizens will vote with little more than a passionate hatred for one or the other despite a host of rational reasons to vote the other way.

9:40 p.m.

We won’t know until later in the week. 

Votes are still uncounted in Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania. We wanted a decisive repudiation of Trump and, once again, half the country (and much closer to half than four years ago) took that away.

From one angle, this is the best outcome. Uncertainty as to who won means all those businesses boarded up can breathe a sigh of relief. With no clear winner so far, there isn’t a reason to riot in the streets. A couple weeks of legal battles and ballot counting and the assholes on both sides will get bored. 

I was humbled in 2016. I thought I knew how it would go because I was so certain my worldview was so obviously right that how could anyone not see it so? I’ve been ready for this. Like so many, I felt the surge of certainty once again with the polls and how incredibly monstrous Trump became in the last days of his campaign. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Don’t get me wrong. I still believe Biden will be our president on January 21st, 2021. I just wish it had been an easier road.

[utopia-game]

War Hungry War Birds 7:7

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UTOPIA NEWS

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JANUARY EDITION 1 Yr 4

 WarBirds (7:7)

 Aka Smiles’ Kingdom

Aka 99 Problems Today we are looking at Warbirds (7:7), a great story for anyone looking for guidance on how to build an organic 25 player kingdom! I spoke with the Monarch of Warbirds and this is what he told me about their kingdom.  

 What is your position and do you enjoy it?

 My name is RedBird, and I am the elected monarch and co-founder of Warbirds, though most probably know us just as "smiles' kingdom" or by our server name "99 Problems". We are a warring kingdom that started out in age 83 as a teaching and training kingdom for new players that evolved rapidly as we found ourselves competing at higher and higher levels.

 Why was the kingdom created and what is your modus operandi?

 I was a few years off from Utopia (and enjoying sleep), it was in late 2017 I think, when Smiles asked me to come back for an age and play with him and puncher in a revived TFC. I was hesitant at first, but he sold me on the idea of a 25 faery kingdom, said he would be running the wars, and I couldn't say no to that -- I believe that Smiles is the best war leader in the game. It was a terrific age (age 81) with a killer setup and we crowned honor and WW, top 3 land and nw. I'd really only planned to come back for a single age, but that success made me want to stick around. I did one more age with TFC, but the magic was gone. Drama began to appear in the kd, there were personality conflicts etc., and it just wasn't a great age. I'd been bit by the uto bug though, so after age 82 I just decided to random into a ghetto and fool around for another age.

 The Kingdom I randomed into in age 83 was a kingdom of 100% random provinces. No one in the kd had played with anyone else there before, so there was no leadership or discord or anything like that. I didn't really have any interest in trying to be in charge, this was supposed to be a sort of "age off" for me where I could just play casually. But when it became clear that no one else was going to step up, I just put myself out there and offered to do what I could. Little did I know...

 A lot of the players were brand new to the game; some were experienced but had spent most or all of their time in the ghetto. There were a few people with more substantial experience as well, but I would only slowly discover that as we went along. I set up a discord (very trial and error, as I had never run a server before)  and started teaching people how to use bot, and take intel before attacking, and how to properly do ops, etc. It was slow going. In the first week I got I think... 5 people into the discord server? Most people were shy, and just wanted to use the chat bar or in-game forums.

 It took a lot of coaxing, but slowly more and more people started popping in. The first few people I trained became my "LS" by default, and they helped the new arrivals learn bot and all the rest. Very, very basic stuff. Expectations were minimal, it was all about making people feel comfortable and safe and welcome. Our kd location was 9:9, so we called ourselves "99 Problems" in honor of the basket case of a kingdom we all instinctively knew we were.

 Well, little did I know, Smiles had done more or less the same thing as I had! He'd left TFC after age 82 as well, and randomed into the deep ghetto. Sure enough, he'd found himself flying his own little flock of misfit birds. We got to talking, and when we realized that we both had only like ~15 provinces each, and a couple of inactives apiece, we came up with a plan: we would war our two kingdoms against one another, purge our respective inactives in the eowcf, and then merge the kingdoms.

 So we did. It was a rough and very basic little war. Lots of bounces. Activity sporadic. But it was good training for both kds.  In the end, 99 Problems won, and smiles asked the admin to merge his remaining provinces into my kingdom, so I became monarch by default. I'm not a war leader though and never have been, so from the very beginning, smiles was the one calling the shots and doing the hard training. My role is and always has been to bring people together, problem solve, and make people feel safe, welcome, and appreciated as part of our community.

 Once we settled into a system that worked for us we set about training our players and replacing inactives using the in-game recruiting tool. We finished 9th in kd honor that first age, as a kingdom of 22 completely random provinces, the only two of whom had ever played with one another before being myself and smiles. That was the beginning of our kingdom, and I was so very proud of all of our players.

 We decided after our first age that we would be a teaching and training kingdom, and that we would prioritize giving as many people as possible opportunities to learn leadership, and that we would welcome brand new players and encourage players who were completely new to the game to play with us and learn with us. For the first three ages that remained our central focus, though we found ourselves creeping up the rankings charts every age. With Smiles as your war leader, that sort of thing is going to happen! It's only a matter of time until you find yourself competing at higher and higher levels. In more recent ages we have begun to shift our focus to crown goals, and recruitment strategies have shifted to attracting the best talent possible. As our community continues to grow we may consider starting a second kingdom based on the same principles that we started with only a little over a year ago -- those of teaching, training, and egalitarian spirit.

 When was the kingdom started, how many founders?

 The answer would be, age 83, and every one of the people who played with us in that first age can be thought of as the founders of our kingdom. There was no "core" group, and that principle of egalitarianism and equal ownership of the kingdom continues to this day. All of our players have an equal voice in setting the direction for our kingdom, and while seniority or status as an original member might hold special meaning for those of us who remember that first age together, seniority does not confer any special status or authority in our community.

 How many actual members do you have and how do you recruit?

 Currently we have an active roster of 25 players with four active former players standing by as potential substitutes. There are also around twenty former players. I try to stay in regular contact with everyone who leaves or decides to take a few ages off. Some are retired for good and others I hope will return at some point when they have more time. Our kingdom has a policy of filling any empty spots first from our veteran pool if possible before recruiting from the outside. In addition to the 50 or so players and former players our server is also host to a few dozen regular guests from various other kingdoms. Our numerous public channels are open to everyone, and we make no effort to hide our location at the start of the age, so all are welcome at any time. I encourage everyone to come join us in our public channels.

 What about these 10 laws of effective leadership and 6 eternal principles of the constitution I hear about?

 Well, I will start with the nuts and bolts, because I really enjoy talking about our kingdom's constitutional structure. Our kingdom has functioned as an elective monarchy since the end of our second age. At the end of every age our kingdom votes on goals and direction for the next age. Things like level of competitiveness and level of activity expected from players, criteria for recruitment, age goal, kd name, and theme for the age are decided by straw polls and secret ballot.

 Once our age goals are decided upon, we hold a formal election to select a monarch for the next age. The only stipulation is that whoever is elected must accept the goals and direction that the kd chose for the coming age, and cannot try to change them or the constitutional nature of the kingdom. A Returning Officer is selected from the pool of original kd members, and they are entrusted with handling the nomination and selection process and ensuring a fair result of the vote.

 Once a monarch is elected, the constitution stipulates that they must appoint a war leader to lead the kingdom, and a council of advisors to support the war leader. Once the war leader is appointed, the show is theirs to run however they deem appropriate. The monarch can change war leaders mid-age if they want, but not during a war in progress, and the monarch has no power to overrule or interfere with a war leader's conduct of a war.

 The elected monarch has final say on withdrawing from war, recruitment, and removing players, or selecting people for leadership, but it is the war leader who is at the top of the org chart for most in-game decisions. So in some sense you could say that the kingdom runs on a consular system with two leaders; one civilian, and one military. In that sense the constitution is a formal description of the system that Smiles and I designed for ourselves out of necessity that first age. It worked well, so we made it official.

 In practice, our core leadership has not changed much in 5 ages. Smiles and I have served as war leader and monarch respectively every age since our kingdom's foundation, though we do rotate people through council as often as we can to give people experience of war planning and wave leading. In the last three ages we have brought in some tremendously experienced and capable people from other kingdoms, and this expanded leadership capacity has added tremendously to our success. It also gives me great hope for the future of our constitutional experiment.

 As for RedBird's ten laws of leadership, well, these are just the rules I expect my leadership team to lead and play by:

 1. No topic of discussion is off limits in leadership council, and everyone has an equal voice there.

 2. Morale is everything, and no negativity, complaining, or defeatist talk is permitted outside of council.

 3. We reward initiative and encourage risk taking.

 4. Everyone deserves a second chance. Most people deserve a third chance. Some people deserve a fourth chance.

 5. We review personnel after every war and we are always looking for ways to make our kingdom stronger, and support players who are struggling.

 6. We offer praise for positive actions, and gentle correction for mistakes. We always address the members of our kd using terms of affection and respect.

 7. We always put the needs of the KD ahead of our own provinces.

 8. We are decisive in giving orders and we do not argue or plead.

 9. Life is more important than utopia.

 10. Don't be a martyr: set a sitter and get some sleep.

 ---------

 There are some goals that are so poetic as to be necessary goals. A crowning achievement for our kingdom would be to achieve a level of success greater than that crowning age Smiles captained for us in TFC in age 81. If we could do that, it would feel like a full circle and culmination of the first chapter of our kingdom's journey. It would be a crown for all of us, but for Smiles more than myself. A legacy for me would be seeing this constitutional and democratic model I am trying to create actually carry on after I am gone. I'm sure I still have plenty of ages ahead of me, but the time will come eventually when I either step aside or the members of my kingdom decide to hand the reins to a new king or queen.

 If and when that day comes, if I could take a few ages off from utopia, and then come back and discover that the kingdom I helped to found was still going strong, and had stayed true to the systems and principles on which it was founded... well, that would be the crown for me.

 Thank you for the interview opportunity!

 Thank you Redbird and Thank you Warbirds for being part of the community! You have a very unique kingdom structure and a nice piece of history for anyone who many have missed the early 80’s. It also serves as a very inspirational story on building a kingdom from the ground up and how you overcame struggles you faced in order to maintain a presence in the war charts age over age.

 I would like to thank Smiles for constantly commenting and participating in the MUGA chat especially when I mention him as he has been very transparent about sharing information and data. Thank you Smiles for your contribution!

 For any Monarchs out there if you would like your kingdom/war featured please reach out to me in discord or at 1:1!

 W1nD#9514

 Reporter - w1nd 1:1

[paulbenedictblog]

%news%

New Post has been published on %http://paulbenedictsgeneralstore.com%

Bbc news Coronavirus: ¿Qué es lo último con Brexit y otras grandes historias?

Bbc news

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Image copyright AFP

Image caption In Syria, which recorded its first coronavirus death in slack March, the wrestle has entered its 10th year

Over the previous few months, the coronavirus pandemic has absorbed the total energy of the information cycle. There hasn't been an tournament be pleased it in our lifetimes.

Nonetheless this is now not the truth is to lisp that it is the excellent famous thing taking place on this planet bright now. So what is taking place on in different locations - and what took blueprint to some of the opposite colossal information experiences of the year?

Consider Brexit?

For roughly three years you hardly heard about anything else else in the UK. Now, obviously, the point of interest is on the coronavirus pandemic. Despite Prime Minister Boris Johnson requiring health middle therapy after contracting Covid-19 and the European Union and UK chief negotiators handiest recently popping out of coronavirus quarantine, Downing Road insists it must follow its common timetable.

The UK formally left the European Union on 31 January. Nonetheless we're now in a transition duration up to 31 December, at some point of which the UK is still treated comely remarkable as an EU member whereas negotiations proceed.

Britain's govt says an EU-UK commerce deal must still be in blueprint by the final day of the year. Nonetheless although no longer, the UK may possibly possibly no longer lengthen the transition duration previous that closing date.

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Media captionBrexit: How did we score here?

The premise in the support of the transition duration turn out to be as soon as to minimise disruption introduced on to industry and jog back and forth between the UK and the EU. It will even be extended by a year or two - which the EU thinks would be a impartial correct pass beneath the instances.

There has handiest been one spherical of EU-UK commerce negotiations up to now. They restart this week by video convention and all facets lisp they'll possess their handiest to possess correct and instant development. Nonetheless time is slipping away.

Brussels additionally asks whether UK and EU corporations - already combating the upheaval attributable to the coronavirus - need one more colossal commerce come the pause of this year. Nonetheless whatever they concentrate on, EU leaders may possibly possibly no longer formally demand the UK for an extension. The tight timetable turn out to be as soon as determined by Boris Johnson, they lisp. A name to prolong - if there may be one - must come from London.

A ceasefire few expected to final is preserving in Idlib, for now, because the final insurrection-held establish in northwest Syria braces for the expected onslaught of the lethal coronavirus.

"Other folk are breathing for the time being, and that is also considered as a side catch of the pandemic," says Hassan Hassan of the Middle for World Policy. "The ceasefire is inserting by a thread, nonetheless it no doubt's inserting on the opposite hand."

The 5 March truce agreed by Russia and Turkey halted a unhealthy escalation after Ankara sent hundreds of its troops all over the border to study out to live a Syrian offensive to retake this final province lost in 9 punishing years of wrestle.

Nonetheless Idlib's breathing establish is additionally fraught with apprehension of this recent enemy. The province's health system has been decimated by battling, along with the blistering air advertising and marketing and marketing campaign by Russian and Syrian warplanes. With regards to a million displaced folks, sheltering inside flimsy tents, or on open flooring, have faith few defences in opposition to the highly effective Covid-19.

"There is a humanitarian and political imperative… for a total, instant nationwide ceasefire at some point of Syria," acknowledged UN Special Envoy to Syria, Geir Pedersen, in his most up-to-date briefing to the UN Security Council.

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Media captionCoronavirus: Fears of virus in Idlib refugee camps

Turkey and Russia, who support opposing facets, now name the shots.

"I catch no longer concentrate on Turkey or Russia judge this ceasefire will shield for a actually lengthy time," says Dareen Khalifa, Senior Analyst with the World Crisis Community. "It left key points unresolved."

That contains the ability forward for the jihadist neighborhood Hayat Tahir al-Sham (HTS), which dominates Idlib.

The HTS, sceptical of this truce, is purported to be regrouping. The Syrian and Turkish armies are additionally taking support of this live to supply a get to in preparation for the subsequent spherical of war.

It may possibly possibly possibly possibly effectively be bright a subject of time - nonetheless now, it appears to be like, is no longer the time.

For practically a month, the speed amongst Democrats to glance who would select on US President Donald Trump in the favorite election turn out to be as soon as in deep freeze. Broken-down Vice-President Joe Biden had a commanding lead in the primaries, nonetheless self-professed democratic socialist Bernie Sanders - as soon as map to be the entrance-runner - turn out to be as soon as unwilling to concede.

Meanwhile, snort after snort postponed their predominant votes thanks to the coronavirus pandemic. Every candidates cancelled all public events and handiest issued video statements and conducted interviews from their homes.

That modified on Wednesday, as Sanders suspended his advertising and marketing and marketing campaign, all nonetheless making certain that in November American voters will select between Trump and Biden.

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Media captionSanders: "I wish I had better information"

Precisely when - and how - the two candidates may be formally nominated by their events is in some doubt, on the opposite hand. The Democrats have faith already moved their national convention from mid-July to August in the hope that a gathering of hundreds of activists, officers and celebration devoted will then be doable, each from a health and logistical standpoint. Nonetheless that recent date, at the side of the Republican convention location for the pause of August, still appears to be like questionable.

As for the speed itself, Trump has considered a microscopic bump in his poll standings for the reason that pandemic began, doubtless because of the his ubiquitous tv presence in each day afternoon White Residence press conferences.

Biden still holds a microscopic support in head-to-head matchups, on the opposite hand, suggesting the speed is destined to be shut. Nonetheless there is just not any telling what the national mood may be in a couple of weeks, let on my own when the November vote casting day arrives.

The warfare in Yemen, which entered its sixth year in March, has lengthy been labelled the enviornment's forgotten wrestle. With the previous few weeks seeing one more spike in the battling, and because the enviornment's consideration is firmly mounted in different locations, Yemen's wrestle has felt extra forgotten than ever.

Two weeks ago, assaults on cities in Saudi Arabia, claimed by Houthi rebels, led to a series of retaliatory airstrikes on Northern Yemen by the Saudi-led coalition.

It is no longer the truth is bright the battling that Yemen's civilians are having to suffer. I remember reporting on the cholera epidemic in 2016, and reminiscences of the nation's incapability to answer to the spread of the illness are still fresh in my mind. It turn out to be as soon as heart-breaking to survey as folks that had diminished in dimension the illness stumbled on they'd no health middle to flip to.

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Media captionThe hidden victims of the Yemen wrestle

That Yemen is now going thru the specter of a recent ruthless illness, one which requires health middle beds and ventilators the nation doesn't have faith, is a horrible prospect.

The announcement of a ceasefire this week may be welcome information for most Yemenis, nonetheless the heavy toll of the previous half of-decade methodology that although the wrestle turn out to be as soon as to total as of late, it may possibly possibly well select decades for the nation to get better. Six years of bombings and destruction have faith resulted in what the UN has called "the enviornment's worst humanitarian crisis".

The scale, severity and complexity of the nation's wants are staggering. The wrestle has deeply fractured Yemen's financial system and diminished its public institutions, its infrastructure and its health system to rubble. Eighty per cent of the total population require exterior abet bright to continue to exist. And but, the UN launched this week that it turn out to be as soon as reducing its operations in the nation, citing lack of funding.

Because the spectre of Covid-19 looms better, folks all over Yemen, fully mindful that their nation merely may possibly possibly no longer be ready to manage in opposition to the upcoming threat, are bracing themselves.

In early November, the Peaceable South Wales govt launched a snort of emergency and issued the predominant catastrophic fire warning for the reason that rating turn out to be as soon as keep in blueprint 10 years ago.

File-breaking heat, right winds and the relentless drought - which lasted for at the least three years in some areas - fuelled the bushfires. The blazes left 11 million hectares scorched and extra than 2,000 properties destroyed. Australia's natural world turn out to be as soon as decimated. A billion animals had been lost and photography of burned koalas and kangaroos made world headlines.

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Media captionHell to excessive water: Australia’s summer season of extremes

The controversy and anger in opposition to the top minister and the ability he dealt with the crisis and his ability to climate commerce had been as remarkable a component of the fable because the fires themselves.

At final the rain came, flooding some areas whereas ending years of drought in others. There turn out to be as soon as enough rain to keep out most of the fires till they had been all beneath shield a watch on. It turn out to be as soon as a grand reprieve for the volunteer firefighters who had no longer stopped working for months and had been exhausted.

On 31 March, the Peaceable South Wales Rural Fire Provider launched the legit pause of essentially the most unfavorable bushfire season the snort and the nation has experienced. Even though the fires are out, the injury is still there. The bushfires had a catastrophic affect on the financial system - especially in the tourism sector.

Many communities have faith been making an strive to rebuild, nonetheless it no doubt's been a uninteresting and complex job, now made extra sophisticated by the truth all the pieces is on shield thanks to Covid-19. Many households are panicked that with the govt. now turning their plump consideration to tackling the virus, their very dangle losses and struggles may be forgotten.

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[northamptoncouplestherapy]

Not long ago, I used to joke that as a feminist family therapist I was obsolete twice over: once for being a family therapist and a systemic thinker— instead of being, say, a CBT practitioner—and then once again for being a feminist. I mean, who cared about feminism anymore? The points had been made, the lessons learned, and to some degree at least, the battles won—or at least on the way to being won. Feminism seemed to be old news. Gender issues in therapy? If anyone spoke about that anymore, it was to reenvision the whole idea—trans-kids, gender-fluid kids, straight men sleeping with other straight men. As for the impact of traditional gender roles on couples, on society—as for conversations about patriarchy and its effects—psychotherapists seemed largely to have lost interest.

Then 2016 happened.

When I gave a workshop called “Working with Challenging Men” at the 2015 Networker Symposium, it drew an audience of about 50 participants. When I was asked this year to give the same workshop, it drew an audience of more than 250. What happened to swell the ranks of those interested? We all know the answer: Donald Trump.

No matter what your political persuasion, it’s hard to deny that we have a man in the White House who behaves in ways that are not only challenging, but atavistic, offensive, and often downright frightening. Trump has called women “fat pigs,” ridiculed their appearance on social media, objectified and mocked them in person, and in his most unvarnished moment, bragged about assaulting them.

He’s regularly displayed behaviors one might’ve thought disqualifying in a public official. Harvard President Lawrence Summers was ousted almost immediately for asserting that women may have less innate math abilities than men—gone, and for a good reason. But “grab ’em by the pussy” from the leader of the free world? Democrats certainly thought it wouldn’t wash, but their efforts to make Trump’s character the issue in the election didn’t work. Each time they were freshly outraged by Trump’s behavior, his poll numbers grew.

So here’s a sobering thought: suppose Trump was elected not despite his offensive, misogynous behaviors but, at least in part, because of them. Whatever other factors determined the outcome of the election, a significantly large number of Americans, both men and women, educated and less educated, appear to have wanted a bully—or, said differently, a strongman—to be their nation’s leader. In a time perceived as dangerous, a time when the government seemed too paralyzed to accomplish much, when conservatives portrayed Obama as weak, ruminative, even feminine, we turned to a self-stylized alpha male.

Trump is a type. He fits the mold of other uber-tough guys of either sex that he openly admires and emulates: Erdogan in Turkey, Orban in Hungary, the Brexit leaders and Theresa May in the UK, and of course, there’s his storied bromance with Putin. Rarely noted is the fact that not just in the US, but sweeping throughout the West, this new so-called populism is gendered. Its appeal doesn’t lie exclusively with men. Factions of men and women these days are feeling a powerful pull toward many of the notions of traditional masculinity—and not just those few that make for good character, like real courage or loyalty. What we’re witnessing is a reassertion of masculinity’s most difficult and harmful traits: aggression, narcissism, sexual assaultiveness, grandiosity, and contempt.

And yet we psychotherapists, as a field, have remained largely silent about this resurgence, hamstrung by an ethical code that prohibits diagnosis or clinical discussion of public figures from afar. In our offices, we assiduously practice neutrality with regard to anything that smacks of the debates going on in the political realm, petrified that we might impose our values on vulnerable clients. But is neutrality in these times really in our clients’ best interests? Consider a recent couples session in my office with Julia, a petite and straight-backed woman, who lost her customary poise as she recounted her troubled week with her husband, Bob.

“I’m shot,” she confesses. “Frayed. Like a horse that shies away from the slightest sound.”

“She’s pretty spooked,” the laconic Bob agrees.

Julia smiles ruefully. “My poor husband tried to make love the other night, and I practically bit his head off.” What was triggering her so acutely? Haltingly, little by little, the trauma story winds its way out of her. First, she recalls the “ick factor,” as she puts it, of feeling her selfish, boundaryless father notice her physical development as an adolescent. Then there was the time he danced with her and had an erection, and finally, the night he drank too much and out and out groped her. “No one stood up for me. No one protected me. And now, ever since the election, I won’t let Bob near me,” Julia cries. “Just here, sitting here with you two men, walking the streets, I feel so unsafe.”

I take a deep breath and say what’s hanging like a lead weight in the air. “Your father’s in the White House,” I tell her. She doubles over, weeping hard. But she also reaches for her husband’s hand.

All over America women like Julia, who have histories of molestation, have been triggered by the ascendency of Trump. Julia is certainly in need of some trauma treatment, obviously; but to my mind, that comes second. The first order of business with her is naming the reality of what she’s facing. There’s a sexually demeaning man in the White House. This is real, not just about her sensitivities. For me to take a neutral stance on the issue, emphasizing Julia’s feelings and deemphasizing the actual circumstance, comes too close to minimization or denial, a replay of the covert nature of her father’s abuse to begin with. It was important, I felt, to speak truth to power; it was important for me as her therapist to name names.

THE HAZARDS OF MASCULINITY Let me be clear. I haven’t been for 40 years, nor will I ever be, neutral on the issue of patriarchy in my work. Traditional gender roles are a bad deal for both sexes. And they’re particularly toxic for men. The evidence couldn’t be clearer. In fact, the World Health Organization (WHO) has issued a statement implicating traditional masculine values as inimical to good health.

Let’s take a stark, bottomline issue: death. Men live 7 to 10 years less than women do, not because of some genetic differences, as most people imagine, but because men act like, well, men. For one, we don’t seek help as often as women do; it’s unmanly. Indeed, as I once wrote about male depression, “A man is as likely to ask for help with depression as he is to ask for directions.” And men are more noncompliant with treatment when we do get it. Also, we take many more risks. That driver without a seatbelt—odds are that’s a man. Men drink more, take drugs more, are more than three times as likely to be imprisoned, and five times as likely to commit suicide.

As Michael Marmot of WHO puts it, men’s poorer survival rates “reflect several factors: greater levels of occupational exposure to physical and chemical hazards, behaviors associated with male norms of risk-taking and adventure, health behavior paradigms related to masculinity, and the fact that men are less likely to visit a doctor when they are ill and, when they see a doctor, are less likely to report on the symptoms of disease or illness.”

Traditional masculine habits not only hurt men’s physical and psychological health, but also produce the least happy marriages. Study after study has shown that egalitarian marriages—which often involve dual careers and always encompass shared housework and decision making—unequivocally lead to higher rates of marital satisfaction for both sexes than do “traditional” marriages, based on hierarchy and a strict division of roles. Yet most therapists, even today, act as if these choices in marriage were simply a matter of personal preference, of legitimate, sometimes clashing values.

Where do we stand on issues like toxic masculinity and paternalistic marriage? For the most part, we don’t stand anywhere. We blink. So let me ask, if we were a group of dentists, knowing that candy is bad for teeth, would we be silent on the issue? Would we consider tooth brushing a personal value, not to be judged, only a matter of preference to be negotiated between family members?

PSYCHOLOGICAL PATRIARCHY

The men and women who come to us for help don’t live in a gender-neutral world. They’re embedded in, and are often emblematic of, a raging debate about patriarchy and a certain vision of masculinity. Trump appeals to a gender-conservative narrative, which holds feminists (“feminazis” as Rush Limbaugh calls us) responsible for deliberately attacking the line between masculine and feminine, and for “feminizing” men.

In a recent National Review article on Trump and masculinity, for example, Steven Watts laments that “a blizzard of Millennial ‘snowflakes’ has blanketed many campuses with weeping, traumatized students who, in the face of the slightest challenge to their opinions, flee to ‘safe spaces’ to find comfort with stuffed animals, puppies, balloons, and crayons.” And Fox News’s Andrea Tantaros rails, “The left has tried to culturally feminize this country in a way that is disgusting. And for blue-collar voters . . . their last hope is Donald Trump to get their masculinity back.”

The 2016 Presidential Gender Watch Report summarizes several surveys this way: “Trump supporters [are] much more likely than Clinton voters to say that men and women should ‘stick to the roles for which they are naturally suited,’ that society has become too soft and feminine, and that society today seems to ‘punish men just for acting like men.’” But to understand fully the implications of this gender narrative, even the contemptuous nuance of a derogatory term like snowflake, deemed by the Urban Dictionary as “insult of the year,” one needs to look squarely at the nature and dynamic of patriarchy itself.

I use the word patriarchy synonymously with traditional gender roles—misguided stoicism in men, resentful accommodation in women. As I tell my clients, an inwardly shame-based, outwardly driven man, coupled with an outwardly accommodating, inwardly aggrieved woman—why, that’s America’s defining heterosexual couple, successful in the world and a mess at home. Certainly, 50 years of feminism have changed most women’s expectations for themselves and their marriages, and Millennial men, for all their vaunted narcissism, are in many ways the most gender-progressive group of guys who’ve ever existed. But Baby Boomer men are often a mixed bag, and Boomer couples are in deeply conflicted distress. Divorce rates among this group are alarming, and climbing, causing some to write of a “gray divorce revolution.” We can reliably attribute many factors to this trend, but here’s the one that strikes me: many men in their 60’s are cut from the old patriarchal cloth, while many women in their 60’s are now having none of it. Have we therapists tuned in to what’s changed and what hasn’t in our gender attitudes?

Frankly, most of us in the mental health community thought that the old paradigm was on its way out— and indeed it might be. But not without a fight. The old rules, and the old roles, are still kicking, and many of us progressives have just grown complacent. If anyone over-estimated the triumph of feminism, the past election has to be viewed as a stinging rebuke and rejection. To this day, like it or not, we’re fish, and patriarchy is the tainted water we swim in.

But let’s get specific about patriarchy. For most, the word conjures up images of male privilege and dominance, and a resulting anger in women. I call this level political patriarchy, which is, simply put, sexism: the oppression of women at the hands of men. Psychological patriarchy is the structure of relationships organized under patriarchy. It not only plays in relations between men and women, but undergirds dynamics on a much broader level—among women, mothers and children, even cultures and races. The men and women who seek out therapy most often arrive at our doorstep saturated in the dynamic of psychological patriarchy, and I think it yields extraordinary clinical benefit to know about and work with this dynamic.

I see psychological patriarchy as the product of three processes, which you can imagine as three concentric rings.

The great divide. The first of these rings renowned family therapist Olga Silverstein, author of The Courage to Raise Good Men, refers to as “the halving process.” With this process, it’s as if we gathered all the qualities of one whole human being, drew a line down the middle, and declared that all the traits on the right side of the line were masculine and all those on the left were feminine. Everyone knows which traits are supposed to belong on which side. Being logical, strong, and competent is on the right, for example, and being nurturing, emotional, and dependent is on the left.

The dance of contempt. In traditional patriarchy, the two bifurcated halves, masculine and feminine, aren’t held as separate but equal. The “masculine” qualities are exalted, the “feminine” devalued. What does this tell us? That the essential relationship between masculine and feminine is one of contempt. In other words, the masculine holds the feminine as inferior. As feminist psychologist and sociologist Nancy Chodorow pointed out, masculine identity is defined by not being a girl, not being a woman, not being a sissy. Vulnerability is viewed as weakness, a source of embarrassment.

If you think this dance of contempt doesn’t affect you, I suggest you take a look at Trump’s budget. Here’s how Erin Gloria Ryan put it in The Daily Beast: “The President’s budget, like everything he talks about, play[s] into his conception of over-the-top manliness. Cuts to education, the environment, are cuts to feminized concerns, really. After school programs and meals-on-wheels, those are caretaking programs. Education (and really, all childcare), also the purview of women. The arts, not for men like Trump.”

The core collusion. I believe one of the greatest unseen motivators in human psychology is a compulsion in whoever is on the feminine side of the equation to protect the disowned fragility of whoever is on the masculine side. Even while being mistreated, the “feminine” shields the “masculine.” Whether it’s a child in relation to an abusive parent, a wife in relation to a violent husband, a captive who develops a dependency on those who took him or her hostage, or a church that protects sexually abusive ministers, perpetrators are routinely protected. One dares not speak truth to power. Everyday in our offices we bear witness to traditional hetero relationships in which the woman feels a deeper empathic connection to the wounded boy inside the man than the man himself feels. If she could only love that boy enough, she thinks, he’d be healed and all would be well. This is the classic codependent, a prisoner of what psychiatrist Martha Stark calls relentless hope. It’s an intrinsic part of trauma that victims (the “feminine”) tend to have hyper-empathy for the perpetrator (the “masculine”) and hypo-empathy for themselves. I call this empathic reversal, and it’s our job as clinicians to reverse that reversal and set things right, so that the perpetrator is held accountable and the victim is met with compassion, especially self-compassion.

CUT FROM THE OLD CLOTH

Just observing the way 53-year-old Bill sauntered over to my couch, clearly owning the room, I was tempted to label him an Old-School Guy. Lydia, his wife of 20-plus years, who was on the verge of leaving him, had another label for him. “Basically,” she tells me right off the bat, “he’s been a dick.” She bends down to scratch her ankle. “A real dick,” she reiterates. “For years, decades,” she sighs. “And I took it. I loved him. I still do. But, well, things have changed.” They’d come to my office in Boston from their home in Texas for what Bill described as a Hail Mary pass.

Here’s the story. Bill is a type: driven, handsome, relentless, utterly perfectionistic, and vicious to himself and others when a benchmark isn’t cleared. As their kids were growing up, there wasn’t much Lydia could do right: the house wasn’t picked up, the kids were too rowdy, the food was late or bland or both. Bill was both controlling and demeaning.

Lately, he’d become obsessed with physical performance, and he wanted to share his passion with his wife. Unfortunately, the way he invited her to the gym with him was to tell her how overweight she was. “I’m just attracted to fit women,” Bill says, shrugging.

“Yeah,” Lydia adds bitterly. “He thinks it’ll motivate me when he says, ‘That fat hanging over your belt disgusts me.’”

“I don’t have a very high emotional IQ,” Bill confides to me, his expression bland, untroubled. I’m thinking that I agree with him. Lydia, by the way, had been a competing amateur tennis player, with a figure many women would envy. I turn to Lydia, raising my eyebrows in a question.

“I’m no doormat,” Lydia asserts, stretching each word in her slow Texas drawl. “Sure, I took up at the gym again, but I also started spending more time with my girlfriends—I have a lot of friends—and I started my own business.”

I’m impressed. “Okay,” I say. “You’re no doormat.”

“Right,” she says.

“You didn’t just sit there and take his mistreatment.”

“Right.”

“You, uh,” I continue, “you gathered up your courage and confront- ed your husband on how. . . .”

“Well, no,” she smiles shyly. “I sup- pose I fell short on that one, until now anyway. Now I do.”

“What changed?” I ask, although I’m pretty certain I know the answer from their intake write up.

“Marylyn is what changed, Terry,” she says. And then, after a pause, she adds, “Eighteen months with Marylyn behind my back is what changed.” Bill sits beside her stony. “And there were others. I’m not sure of them all. Call girls when he traveled.” Letting out a sigh, she turns to her husband.

“It’s true,” Bill finally says, shaking his head. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Well,” I say, “what were you feeling?”

“Not much,” Bill tells me. Not satisfied, I press again, but he turns it back on Lydia, saying, “Well, you did pull away. I mean, between redoing the house, your business, your friends.”

“I pulled away because you were impossible!” Lydia wails in a quivering voice. “You kept harping at me about the damn gym!”

“Look,” he responds, more to me than to her, “I like the look of a fit woman. Shoot me. My parents were old in their 50’s, dead in their early 70’s. That’s not for me. I want to compete in triathlons in my 80’s. And I want my wife competing right by my side when I do.”

I’m starting to feel claustrophobic just hearing this. “Well, that’s fine, Bill. That’s what you want,” I tell him. “But have you ever asked Lydia what she wants?”

“I want you to talk to me,” Lydia finally screams, losing composure. She bends over and cries. “Jesus, just sit down and talk to me.”

“Okay, honey, I will,” Bill says to soothe her. But whether he will or won’t, he certainly hasn’t so far. “I’m just not good with emotion,” he tells me.“I just try to find a path and go forward. That’s my usual approach. Like the other night she woke me up in the middle of the night, crying, and I asked her if there’s anything she wanted, but. . . .”

“Just hold me,” she cries, “Just tell me you love me and that you want me!”

He turns on her, an accusing finger close to her face. “But you didn’t ask me for that, did you?” he says, making his point before some imagined jury. “Did you?” Now I can see the dripping condescension Lydia spoke of.

I lean toward him. “What are you so mad about?” I ask him, knowing that anger and lust are the only two emotions men are allowed in the traditional patriarchal setup. But much male rage is helpless rage. Burdened with the responsibility, and the entitlement, to fix anything that’s broken, including his wife, Bill sees Lydia’s unhappiness as an insoluble problem he must master, a rigged Rubik’s Cube with no winning moves. He describes his feelings as many men in his position do: frustration.

“I’m tired of being held responsible”—he takes a breath, visibly try- ing to regain his composure—“when I have no idea what she wants.”

“Oh,” I say. “So you feel helpless.” That brings him up short.

“Well,” he mutters, “I’m not sure thatI’d....”

“Right,” I say, heading him off. “You don’t do helpless, right? You don’t do feelings at all, except anger perhaps.”

“Yeah, that’s true.”

“Like most hurt partners, your wife needs to get into what happened, and like most partners who’ve had an affair, you’d like to move off of it as quickly as possible.”

“I don’t think wallowing in it. . . .” “She wins,” I tell him.“I’m sorry?” he asks.“The hurt partner wins. She gets to talk about it. She needs to talk about it.”

“And what do I do in the mean- time?” he looks at me, jaw stuck out, angry, a victim.

“Well, would you accept some coaching from me at this juncture?” I ask. He nods, though skeptically, and Bill and I begin to break down the idea of masculinity—or his stunted version of it.

For his entire life, Bill credited his success in life to his fevered drive for perfection. He thought his harsh inner critic, which he never hesitated to unleash on others, was his best friend, holding up the standard, goading him to achieve. I tell Bill that like most of the men I treat, even like Icarus winging it toward the sun, he thought it was the achievement of glory that made him worthy of love. And like Icarus, he was about to fall, and fall hard.

“But my drive is my edge, my equalizer. I may not be as smart as some of the boys in the office, but, man, I can work.”

“Let me help you out here,” I tell him. “I promise you that as we work together, you won’t lose your edge. All the guys I see worry about that. But you can be just as tough and, at the right times, just as driven.”

“So what will be so different?” he asks.

“You,” I tell him. “You’ll be different. Radically different if you want to save this marriage. You’ll have choice.”

Like most feminist therapists I know, I don’t want to “feminize” men any more than I want to “masculinize” women. I want choice. When the moment calls for combat, I want men to be ferocious. But when the moment calls for tenderness, I want men to be sweet, compassionate, soft. Mostly, I want men to be able to discern which moment is which and behave accordingly. I want men to hold fast to those elements that are good and right about the traditional male role—courage, loyalty, competence—but men like Bill also deserve to have access to emotion, particularly the vulnerable emotions that connect us to one another. He deserves to have more empathy for himself first of all, and for those he loves.

By the end of our long session, we all agree that Bill—or “the old Bill,” as I begin to call him—was selfish, controlling, demanding, and unhappy. He based his shaky sense of self worth on his performance, on whatever he’d amassed materially, and on his wife’s nurture. Although he’d have been loath to admit it before, Bill needed an overhaul.

“You’ve been acting in this marriage in a lot of ways as though you were still single,” I tell him. “Six hours a day at the gym, 10-hour bike rides, call girls when you travel. You need to learn to become what I call a real family man,” a term that deliberately harks back to some of the positive ideals contained in traditional notions of masculinity.

Contrary to what gender conservatives claim we feminists are after, I don’t want the men I work with to discard every aspect of masculinity. Rather, I talk to Bill about the differences between living life as a self-centered boy and living it like a family man. It’s not “repeal and replace” the entire notion of masculinity so much as “sort through, use the best, and transform the rest.”

“You played the old game: the competitive, don’t-rest-till-you-kill-them, grab-the-brass-ring game. Okay, you won at that one. Congratulations,”I say to him. “Now it’s time to learn a whole different game, different skills, different rules, if you want to stay married at least.” Bill’s nodding. He loves his wife, feels awful about how much he’s hurt her, would move mountains to keep his family intact. “Good,” I tell him.

“Because it’s mountains you’re going to have to move. This is about cultivating that wildly undeveloped part of you that you’ve actively tried to get rid of. It’s about redefining what you think constitutes “a man” and how he’s supposed to act in the world. You’ll need new skills that stress receptivity over action, like being curious about your wife, learning to be quiet and leave space for her, drawing her out, truly negotiating.” He seems game as he listens. “I’m happy for you,” I tell him. “May this day be the beginning of your new orientation, your new life.”

“Okay,” he says, a little skeptical still.

“The next time your wife wakes up in the middle of the night because she’s a wreck and she needs to talk,” I start.

“I know,” he interrupts.

“Listen,” I tell him. “Here’s your new compass. When in doubt, I want you to pause, take a breath, and then picture yourself as a generous gentleman.” Like the term family man, the opportunity for Bill to see himself as a generous gentleman offers him a model, a reference point, for giving more to his wife without feeling like she’s won and he’s lost. I repurpose a familiar ideal—gentleman—to inspire flexibility in Bill, a willingness to yield that doesn’t shame him. “The next time she wants something from you, ask yourself, What would a generous gentleman do at this moment?”

Becoming a generous gentleman requires Bill to move beyond his self-centeredness into compassion and bigheartedness, moving beyond sheer logic to feelings, both his and others. It’s a good example of using a mostly abstract ideal contained within the patriarchal lexicon to help a client move beyond patriarchy itself. Did I have an in-depth discussion with Bill about Donald Trump? No, though I certainly would’ve been open to it had Bill seemed interested. But did I talk to him about patriarchy in general? About women’s changing demands for more sharing, more intimate, more connected marriages? About the state of manhood in transition, from the old to the new? And was I clear with Bill about where I stood on these issues and why? The answer is an emphatic yes on all counts.

“Bill,” I tell him. “You’re a statistic. All over America, men like you are being dragged off to people like me so that we can help you learn how to be more relational, more giving, more empathic, more vulnerable—just a more thoughtful, connected person. There are hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of Bills in offices like this one. We can’t make it all about personal failings; there are too many of you.”

Bill looks at me. “But when we go home,” he sighs, trailing off. “It’s just hard to know what she wants from me.”

“I know,” I commiserate. “This isn’t easy. But you have a wonderful source of information sitting right next to you.” Then I turn to Lydia. “Of course, you’ll have to do things differently, too,” I tell her. “At this stage in the game, you’re more comfortable giving Bill feedback about all he does wrong than vulnerably asking for what he might do right.” Like many of my female clients, Lydia had spent most of her marriage vacillating between stuffing it and losing it. For the most part, she was silent and resentful, so Bill brushed off her occasional rants as hysteria. “You told your truth when you were ready to fight with him, but you did it in a harsh, critical way, which people in general, and men in particular, won’t listen to.”

“Listen,” she says, revving up, “I tried everything under the sun to get him to hear what I was saying.”

“I’m sure that’s true,” I say. “But Lydia, that was then, and this is now. I have a saying: an angry woman is a woman who doesn’t feel heard. But pumping up the emotional volume doesn’t work. However, I think I have good news for you. I think you’ve been heard today, by Bill and by me. I understand what you’re saying I get it, and I’m on it. I want you to let me work with Bill now. I can get through to him in ways you’re not positioned to be able to do. I’m an outside party; you’re his wife.”

Over the years, I’ve found this to be an enormously helpful position to take in therapy, no matter if the therapist happens to a man or a woman. I often say to female clients like Lydia, “I’ve got him. You don’t have to be his relational coach or teacher anymore. Give that job to me. You can afford to relax and start enjoying him again.” By stepping in, acknowledging the asymmetry in their relational skills and wishes, and explicitly offering myself as her ally, I hope to help women like Lydia resign from their role as their partner’s mentor. “I’ll coach Bill,” I tell Lydia. “You breathe, relax, let your heart open up again.”

Earlier in the session, I’d said I was excited for Bill. But with Lydia at the threshold of her own relational learning on how to break the traditional feminine role of silence and anger, I’m thrilled for her, too. I’m eager to teach her how to stand up for herself with love, how to switch from statements like “I don’t like how you’re treating me!” to ones like “I want to be close to you. I want to hear what you’re saying. Could you be kinder right now so I can hear better?”

Both partners need to learn how to be more skilled. But moving each toward increased intimacy requires leaving behind the old roles for them both. Real intimacy and patriarchy are at odds with each other. To the degree that a couple approaches the former, they move beyond the latter. As the old roles seek to reassert themselves in our society, it seems more important than ever to take a stand in favor of new ones, new configurations that provide more openness in men like Bill and more loving firmness in women like Lydia.

AGENTS OF CHANGE

For years, I quipped that, as a couples therapist, I was a medic in the vast gender war, patching up men and women in order to send them back out into the fray. But in the age of Trump, I don’t want to be a neutral medic anymore. I’d rather take a stand for healthy marriages. Pathology is rarely an aberration of the norm so much as an exaggeration of it. The way Bill had routinely controlled and savaged his wife, and the way she’d reacted, with distance and occasional rage of her own, were right out of the patriarchy playbook. Could I have done the same work with them without ever referencing gender roles, or masculinity? Perhaps, but why would I want to, when silhouetting a couple’s issues against the backdrop of gender roles in transition makes so much sense to people?

In 2013, sociologist Michael Kimmel wrote Angry White Men, about a group of people many now claim make up a large part of Trump’s base. Central to Kimmel’s findings was a sense of what he called “aggrieved entitlement,” which, from a psychological perspective, looks to leave the person they’re with as much as they want to leave the person they themselves have become. And it’s not that they’re looking for another person, but another self. But even happy people cheat, and affairs aren’t always a symptom of something wrong in the marriage or in the individual.

A lot like the fusion of shame and grandiosity, a perpetual sense of angry victimhood—in a word, patriarchy. In a new work, Kimmel looks at four organizations that help deprogram men who leave hate groups like white supremacists and jihadists. What he found implicit in all these hate groups was traditional masculinity: the more rigid the vision of the masculine, and the more fervently the man held onto such rigid beliefs, the more vulnerable he was to extremist politics and violence. Countering this vision of masculinity was key to the deprogramming.

With this as our cultural context, what we therapists are being called upon to do is what the WHO has already done—explicitly declare traditional masculinity a health hazard, not just to men, but to the families who live with them. We should continue to develop techniques for openly challenging toxic patriarchal notions like the one that says harsh inner critics are good for us, or the one that says vulnerability is a sign of weakness. We need to invite each gender to reclaim and explore its wholeness, as sexy, smart, competent women, as well as bighearted, strong, vulnerable men. We must check our own biases so as not to sell men short as intrinsically less emotional, for example, or to sell women short by not explicitly helping them find a voice in their relationships that’s simultaneously assertive and cherishing.

In these troubled times, what do we clinicians stand for if not the plumb line of intimacy? But we must remember that intimacy itself is a relatively new, and contentious, demand. Marriage wasn’t historically built for intimacy in today’s terms, but for stability and production. Under patriarchy, emotional intimacy itself is coded as “feminine,” as is therapy, for that matter. The intrinsic values of therapy—communication, understanding, empathy, self-compassion, the importance of emotion—these are all downplayed as “feminine” concerns in the traditional masculine playbook.

I want us therapists to put these concerns on the table, and stand up and be counted as agents for the historically new idea of lasting, long-term intimacy, and with it the increased health and happiness that study after study has shown it leads to. I want us to be more explicit—both in public discourse and in the privacy of our offices—in articulating the painful psychological costs of the old, patriarchal world order, which is asserting itself again in our lives. Democratic relationships simply work better than hierarchical ones in marriages, and both sexes are better off liberated from the dance of contempt. It’s healing for all our clients to move beyond the core collusion and speak truth to power. It’s healing for us therapists to do the same in the presence of those who want our guidance.

We’re the people who are being turned to for help when the old ways no longer work. We can merely patch things up, or we can aim our sights on transformation and offer an entirely new vision. The path toward sustained intimacy can’t be found in the resurgence of a patriarchal past. It’s part of our job and responsibility to point our clients toward the future. If we therapists are to be true agents of healing, we must first be true agents of change.

Terry Real is a nationally recognized family therapist, author, and teacher.  He is particularly known for his groundbreaking work on men and male psychology as well as his work on gender and couples; he has been in private practice for over thirty years. Terry has appeared often as the relationship expert for Good Morning America and ABC News. His work has been featured in numerous academic articles as well as media venues such as Oprah, 20/20, The Today Show, CNN, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Psychology Today and many others.

This blog which originally appeared in the Psychotherapy Networker, was republished on NCCT with permission from the author.

Author: Terry Real

Check out a 2-Day Training with Terry Real of The Relational Life Institute

[sixseasonsandamaia]

My Stories from Nerdfighteria

Last week I conducted a (very) informal Twitter poll asking nerdfighters what has held them back from contributing their #NFstories to @road2nf.

If that last sentence made no sense, let me explain: my friends and I run The Road to Nerdfighteria, a worldwide multimedia project in which nerdfighters share their stories on how they found Nerdfighteria and what the community means to them. Nerdfighters can share their stories in the form of videos, blog posts, artwork, photos… basically any way you can tell a story. 

It’s been going on for 11 months now, and as we near the one year anniversary of the launch of this project, I’ve started thinking about the people who have supported the project but maybe haven’t shared their story yet, and why that might be.

The part of the poll that surprised me the most was the 32% who felt like they didn’t have much of a story to tell. Admittedly, the sample size is rather small, but at least ten people feel like they don’t really have a story to share. To those ten people, I respectfully disagree: I think you do have a story worth sharing. It might just be different from the one you think you should share.

The prompts for this project are: How did you find Nerdfighteria? What does Nerdfighteria mean to you? I think people may get hung up on the first question because of one of two reasons:

1. They don’t remember.

2. Their story can be summed up in a sentence.

Honestly, it’s fine if you don’t remember. We’ve featured stories from people who don’t remember when or how they happened upon Nerdfighteria.

Others may feel like their story is pretty basic: “My friend showed me this video. I read this book. That’s it.” And that’s okay, too. We featured people whose stories could be summed up just like that. However, they chose to give more context to their story: they shared what their life was like before Nerdfighteria, how/why all the events in their life led to discovering Nerdfighteria, and how their life has changed since. Those stories can get super interesting.

But maybe you don’t have a life-changing story like that, with a big Before and an even bigger After. That’s okay. Your road to Nerdfighteria doesn’t have to be a novel.

In fact, the stories I’m most interested in don’t even answer the question, “How did you find Nerdfighteria?” The stories that fascinate me the most are those that come out of the question, “What does Nerdfighteria mean to you?”

When I hear that question, a number of stories immediately spring to mind… 

STORY 1

Four years ago I took my first trip to Canada. I’d been quietly making YouTube videos for a year and a half, but I had no YouTube friends or any internet friends. At the time, the concept of making a friend through the internet was completely foreign to me. 

I was taking this trip to Toronto to attend this new thing called Buffer Festival, the first film festival for YouTubers. As excited as I was for international solo traveling, it also terrified me. While I had traveled solo before, this was the first time I would be in a foreign country without knowing anyone there.

I needed to make friends there. A friend. I needed one friendly face.

Miraculously, I found this online group of solo travelers also attending Buffer Festival, and through this group of Lonewolves I was able to make friends. Not just internet friends but real life friends. People who were kind and friendly, people who went out of their way to make sure you felt included.

I later learned that the people who founded this group were nerdfighters, which of course made sense. They cared about community, about creating a space where people could find friends and help each other navigate Toronto. That was the first time I saw the kindness of nerdfighters in real life.

STORY 2

Two years ago, Hank Green and the Perfect Strangers were going on tour, and their first stop was in Chicago. At this point in my life, making friends through the internet was still a new thing for me. I’d made a few friends online, but it was not something that came naturally to me. I still felt clunky and awkward trying to initiate friendships online, so I wasn’t really good at the whole reaching out thing.

I didn’t know anyone else going to the concert, but I joined the Chicago Nerdfighters Facebook group to see if they were planning a meetup. Thankfully they were, and before the concert I headed alone to the meetup, hoping to make nerdfighter friends. 

Most of these people already knew each other, and I wasn’t sure where to insert myself. After some awkward smiling and waving, I found myself sitting next to a young woman who also didn’t know anyone there. She was warm and friendly, and talking to her helped calm my social anxiety.

Later I ran into some old internet friends, one of whom I was meeting for the first time in real life. With my old friends and my new friend, we headed to the concert together and spent the evening rocking out to nerdy songs.

After the concert we headed our separate ways. It was late, and I was supposed to take the subway to a garage, where my car was parked. My new friend, a Chicago native, offered to ride the subway with me. (She was parked in that garage, too.) As we rode the subway, I started to get motion sickness, and she offered to keep me distracted by talking about our shared love of Doctor Who. (It worked.) When we got off the subway, she went out of her way to make sure I got to my car safely. We hugged like we’d been friends forever and parted ways.

That night, I learned that nerdfighters, regardless of whether they know you, look out for each other. It’s a very special quality, and I’ve seen it many times in Nerdfighteria since that night.

STORY 3

Two months ago I was at the cinema with a couple of coworkers to see Wonder Woman. One of my coworkers brought a friend of hers, because “I think you and she would get along.” 

We were waiting in line at the concession stand, and her friend and I hit it off right away, talking about Harry Potter. At some point in mid-speech she gasps and points at my shirt. I happened to be wearing a DFTBA shirt that day.

Immediately it clicks, but I have trouble getting the words out. “Are you…? You know DFT…?? You’re a…???” For a solid minute we’re both just geeking out, unable to say actual words, only excited squeals and high fives. Both my co-workers are looking on with confused faces, but they know something special just happened.

We both tweet about meeting a nerdfighter in the wild because how often does that happen?? And right up until the movie starts, we go through each other’s Crash Course in Nerdfighteria involvement: how long have you been a nerdfighter? What nerdfighter things have you done? Which other YouTubers do you watch? Have you met Hank or John or Rosianna? Read the books? Gone to concerts? Harry Potter Alliance? Project for Awesome? VidCon? NerdCon?

You have to understand that where I live, it’s extremely rare to meet a nerdfighter in the wild, much less one you get along with so well. She was incredibly friendly and cool and did I mention she’s a Harry Potter nerd? 

I was 100% comfortable with being incredibly nerdy with this awesome new person, which was a far cry from how I was when I first discovered Nerdfighteria six years ago. When I found Nerdfighteria, I was this super shy nerd who was struggling to find other nerdy adults in my post-grad life. Now, it’s easier than ever.

Nerdfighteria has shaped my adult friend group, taught me how to be kind and helpful, and given me so many cool experiences and stories to share. The stories I have because of Nerdfighteria are what make me the person I am today.

I think anyone who’s had a brush with Nerdfighteria has some story to share, something about it that has made an impression on you. Something that sticks. Maybe the story isn’t your road to Nerdfighteria, but it is a story about Nerdfighteria that has some personal meaning to you. 

That’s the story I want to hear.

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(As always, you’re welcome to share your story with The Road to Nerdfighteria. I promise we will love it.)

[duskyanimations]

An important message

Here lately I’ve been losing my drive to draw and post things on here... I want to draw, and I have many ideas, but I’ve been in a depressed slumber that has been affecting my artistic side. I’ve been receiving less and less feedback on here, less messages in my inbox, and it just seems like your interest is dying for me. I just reached 13K subs on YouTube... but I hardly feel noticed.

That’s not to say a lot of you guys aren’t avid followers of mine, because I respect and cherish everyone who actually gets excited about my stuff anymore. And I want to thank you...

My depression has taken a toll on me, and I want to say something... Suicide is never the answer. A couple days ago I was in it really bad and I was trying to actually attempt it... but I stopped.  What would it mean if I had actually done it and never came back on here again? How many people would actually miss me if I was gone? Anyway, I really don’t want to focus on that... my message is about how people are treating suicide...

Lately this user (I will not say names) on the Reddit was making claims that they were going to commit suicide and actually said “I took a bunch of sleeping medication, hope I don’t throw them up like last time”... now this is obviously made for the attention... which pisses me off to no end. Attempting or thoughts about suicide should in no way be used to attract the attention of people JUST for the sake of attention... it’s wrong and a disgusting thing to do. And the problem here comes when what if that person actually did decide to do it next time? Nobody would believe them...  Now that does NOT mean you should ignore someone who is talking suicide.. because of that very reason... so it becomes this gross thing  where the person talking it HAS to get the attention they crave... so it just builds from there. What I’m getting at is... talking about suicide just to get attention from people is wrong. Very wrong. Suicide is a serious thing that affects a lot of people. But people also need to reach out to one another because the next time someone might not be bluffing.

I just needed to say this... I think we could all benefit from it.

In the meantime, I will be trying to get back into this blog and make content.. The results of that poll said you guys want Answers to Asks for my characters and more pages of the Springlocks comic, so I will be working on that. But the thing is, I need asks in my inbox if I’m going to do that lol. Hopefully I will gain my artistic side back soon.

-See you later, Dusky 🐾