#Couples Thearpy

[jainasolo1233]

My number one defense for Anakin Skywalker: he was a slave! He never got thearpy for it, and was taught by unfeeling monks how to kill after leaving his mother to die. Plus the unfeeling monks willing left him be groomed by someone they had doubts about. And they were surprised he turned to the dark side? The jedi's practically gift wrapped him for Palpatine.

My number one defense for Padme and why I support her marriage to Anakin Skywalker: Padme has done the proper thing all her life. The one time she meets a hot guy who listens to her, is willing to follow her lead, who is willing to kill for her and her children, who thinks the world of her. Honestly yeah I buy it. Let her be reckless in this one thing. Honestly Padme I'm her own right is a little crazy and I'm all for it. It's everyone else that screws it up.

The jedi knew something dark was inside Anakin when they met him, but believed in the prophecy of him destroying the sith since they had returned after thousands of years.

They jedi are usually recruited when they are infants and have no memory of their life before. Anakin was 9 and had hopes and dreams and fears and everything. I don't think the jedi had ever taken anyone so old before and didn't know what he was feeling regarding that.

Maybe they saw Anakin's dark side as recklessness and rebellion of a young person and didn't think much of it.

Have you ever seen the Clone Wars animated series?

There was an episode when Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Ahsoka tried to rescue a bunch of slaves. Anakin, of course, is bothered the entire time because he used to be a salve himself. I don't really remember the episode that well, but I wanna say that's the only time his slave past is addressed.

Anakin and Padme were truly fine. Fingers can be pointed at anyone, but I blame Palpatine. Of course, the blame goes to him. He's the villain of the entire series.

I think Anakin should have confided in Obi-Wan. I truly believe he would have been able to help him, but Anakin had lost so many people from his mom and fellow jedi, especially Ahsoka. I don't think he could bear losing the love of his life.

I'm rambling now...lol

Of course, jedi aren't even allowed to form attachments, but that rule was made (by the writers) until after the EU stuff was written because Luke, Leia, and her kids were all married and they made work and none of them fell to the darkside (I mean one did, but that was for a totally different reason).

Anyway!

Anakin and Padme, yes perfect couple. Tragic ending as most Star Wars couples.

[chntfessions]

i feel like me and like 2 other dudes have been the main ones bringing the more silly confessions to this blog, i hate discourse, i just really like this silly podcast guys how did it get this way what.

(err idk if this sounds mean)

anyways hmm hmmmm hmmmmamkmdfkmamed

lemme think of some silly things

Yvonne wears like a LOT of belts for no reason, also a lot of pins.

Sydney has an apple allergy, ontop of his butter bread curse. People who are allergic to apples feel nauseous or even gag while eating apples, and i think back to the scene when the centipede crawls out of his mouth for that.

adam was never really born, just created into a man at one point in time and space - along with that hes like over 200 years old, he has seen just about every couple in his thearpy.

adam is most interested in sydney right now though. finding his and jedidah's relation a weird one at best. seeing as they were like each other's only friends, through childhood and adulthood. obviously having more feeling than friends, but not ever admitting it, and they both do things that pushes that relationship back. hes personally interested in this, wanting know all the facts of their relationship.

idkkk dude i have a lot of fun thinking of random things for the characters, i need more of this guys rather than some unimportant discourse, unless if it is truely disgusting, then like, just block the dude okay??

anyways imma do a new sign off, not like i really had one in the first place uhm

imma explode everyone now /silly /j

-🌀🦢

ALL OF THESE ARE VERY REAL DKRBSJBDEJ

[meowthefluffy]

You know what cupid aunprinxiety needs? Cartoon therapy.

Cuz even if V had been intentionally dating Roman this whole time, he would be right to worry that Roman never communicates his needs unless v gives him no other choice but to say what he wants to happen.

So postpone wedding get some couples therapy and learn to communicate better, learn that it is okay and healthy to tell your partner when your needs arent met and that they are each worth to be loved wholly and then we can get to the altar.

U ARE LITERALLY SO RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (sorry it took me so long to respond i put this in my drafts and forgot to finish typing)

They absolutely do end uo getting therapy after the wedding goes down (if they do that thearpy togther is a whole nother story but still)

The two of them really do have a lot to work through T^T

[woomycritiques543]

Viv made a tweet about the non-canon HH accounts and how some theories made were making her uncomfortable. Based on the comments, it seems to be about Vox x Val. I feel the show is going to portray them in a similar manner to Stolitz, mostly for fanservice. They’ll be seen as a toxic relationship rather than showing the nuance of an abusive one. That way, Viv can sell couple merch of them without presenting them in a bad light.

TW: Mentions of R/PE, Mental Health issues.

I checked to see what you are talking about and-

Oh no... (It's the "sad pills" thing all over again but it's now within the fanon. So even the fanon here is absulotely awful and the creator using it to fetishize the ab^se within the canon makes this entire situation even worse!) I guess being in a horrible coersion relationship and the current state of it (Stolas and Blitz) should be represented as "love" to Vivienne apparently.... 💀 This also proving that again- Stella was only created as a way to somehow morally "justify" Stolas and Blitz being together with a "but his wife was a meanie uwu and wants to kill Stolas- just because! So pwease buy our merch where we make them harming and sa'ing each other look cute! 🥺". it'd be one thing if she specified whether she ships the canon version or not, but she keeps relating these things to the canon, uses the fanon to further fetishize the canon instead of letting it exist by itself, make the merch of the canon look "sexy/cute!" and all sorts of terrible things that is hard to even describe in words it's that awful.

Everything about this makes me grateful that Dragon Prince exists and that our only gay representation in the world isnt... this. (CONTEXT: Ive been being constantly attacked on Twitter by DaniDraws stans telling me to "delete your channel!" and keep defending Stolas and Blitz in the show (Not the fanon ship- the show! We shouldn't sacrifice our morality just to force a crack ship that we like to be accepted as canon regardless of the toxicity within the canon itself. Some ships should be crack and stay as crack.) and to this day are still harassing my Twitter like as if ive just murdered someone or something. They're really acting like not liking a couple in a show full of fictional characters is the "worst" thing I could ever do, it's actually fucking pathetic.)

Another Tweet: Another vent post, in a row! Please woman- for the love of god please give yourself a break both you and your employees very much need it. Care for yourself, please, for the love of god! So it's not even just the awful takes that are concerning for others, it's Vivziepop being concerning based on her behavior towards herself, honestly- Both how she treats the show and how she projects her own flaws with accountability onto the characters, how she treats Spindlehorse, how she treats herself and how fast that she's doing all these projects, all of it. I hope that Viv receives thearpy soon, the fact that she's said that she doesn't have it yet makes me so sad and I do hope the best for her mental health.

It's one thing for occasionally self aware humor, its another thing to self depricate and continue to very things that are causing you to constantly be stressed in the first place. Viveinne, please get help, im begging you at this point, for the sake of both yourself and the people around you. This isnt even only abou the parasocial fandom you've created from your lack of setting boundries but for your studio and many others. Please get help, im begging you.

As for the tweet itself-

This pretty much confirms that they want us to see the "stolas and blitz" ones as canon despite the fact that it's just Stolas and Blitz either ab^sing each other or having "honey moon" (the phase where a ab^sive relationship seems "healthy" before ab^se occurs again.) phases over and over. But this has no mention of Vox and Val so I honestly have no idea what you're saying anon. Either way, going to Vivziepop's twitter was a mess and a half and I honestly need to stop using Twitter it's becoming a bad habit tbh. Either way- Vivziepop needs to take a break from Hazbin and get help. She's hurting so many people, and even herself because of how she prioritizes the industry over her own health. I actually like these shows too, but I would rather wait and know that the creator isn't rushing things and harming herself so much- Than to see multiple episodes be rushed out a year and to slowly watch Vivziepop harm her own mental health more and more, see her venting about it and full on having break downs like she did two months ago. I cant even do a thing about it since I dont know her personally. I cant call her, I cant send her resources... I can't do much and it upsets me to no end so im going to have to just pray and wait...

[landograndprix]

I need her and lando to take a break and then get back togther. But before they do they go to couples thearpy. just to clear air and be better communicators

Y'all giving me whiplash, lando, charles, lando, charles 😭

[anyawellbeing-creativetherapy]

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[darkcrowprincess]

Fandoms I have been in(I only count the ones where I watched or read all the media for it, looked at fanfiction/fanart for it, and or go back to it because my adhd hyper fixations on things):

*warning this is going to be a big super essay to read. I apologize 😔 😅*

Books:

Harry Potter: I loved the books, loved the movies. Saw the last movie with my ex boyfriend when it first came out. It was the Fandom that opened my eyes to fanfiction. Yes I read fics on muggle net.com. I was a big Harmony shipper till I had a big brain moment were I realized I could ship Harry with guys! 😈 And yeah I went down a deep hole of Drarry or Tomarry fics. Luna Lovegood was my favorite female character(she was my spirit animal). I also had an obsession with Snape and reading fics where him and Harry became a found family. Right now I have a tiny obsession with Jegulus. God do I love Regulus Black and the drama of him and James Potter's doomed relationship.

Anime:

Sailor Moon: One of my first animes before I fully realized what anime was. Had the white sailor moon vhs tapes that I would watch all the time. Watch it on toonami whenever it was on. Had a huge crush on Tuxedo Mask. My big day dreams were of me imagining I was like Usagi and I got to be a moon/outer space princess. The fanart for this Fandom was beautiful. Love the cosplay for this fandom. Reason I remember the planets so easily was because of the English Dub theme song.

Fullmetal Alchemist: What made me really love anime. And shipping. Just over all this whole Fandom is everything for me. Edward was my favorite character. Love him so much and related to a lot of his issues. Especially his Daddy and abandonment issues. Royed was my ship, my otp for this Fandom. I remember getting into this because of a friend of mines in my group thearpy gave me the full series of brotherhood on DVD. The rest is history.

Cartoons:

Avatar the last Airbender: Saw this show on Nicktoons growing up. Why did I love it? Honestly because of Zuko. I love Zuko. He's my favorite thing about avatar. And I was so hell of excited when saw the episodes of where he finally joins the gaang! I love season 3! I love the aesthic of the fire nation. Beaches, firebending, political drama!! Learning that not all of the fire nation was evil. The show was so gray and I love that. Ships, any ships with Zuko was the pull(except Mai. Sorry she was my least favorite character. I really didn't like her very much). Honestly I'll read any fic with Zuko as the main character. Just he's my special boy and I love him.

The Owl House: Like Harry Potter, I at first I didn't know if I'd like this show when I gave it a chance. Fortunately I did and God do I love this cartoon! Yes it has tons of problems(mainly the Fandom when it comes to shipping and being toxic when you don't share the same headcanons about ships or found family) but over all I love the characters Luz, King, Eda, Hunter, and Belos. Especially Luz Noceda( she was basically me as as kid so I feel so protective of her. Honestly I do not trust anyone who does not like her). I love the hidden dark family drama between the Wittebanes and Clawthornes. I love Belos as a villian. I love the glyph magic and the idea of Palismans. I love Bad girl rebel Mom Eda and King the titan prince. I love the dark reveal about the golden guards and Hunter. I love the animation. Everything else about the show, including its other forms of magic, other characters(Amity mainly) the romance. Are honestly a big let down compared to everything else. But at least baby gays/younger lgbtq kids can have this show. They can grow up with this representation(even though I personally don't like lumity). I over all have a love hate relationship with this show. I love Luz and ship her with Hunter(my bi otp couple 😍) but over all the show had so much potential that I feel like it kept wasting over stupid ship.

Shera the princes of power: This cartoon is just my happy place. I love Catradora. I love all the girl power, feminism, magic, girly girlness. The silly names. The princesses. Entrapta!!!(my spirit animal and having a cute beauty and the beast type romance!) The angst, the drama, the trauma! The romance!!! The animation! It's just this cartoon is everything to me. I love the fanart for this Fandom and if i had to pick a favorite character it be tied between Catra and Entrapta. My favorite Episode is ' Save the Cat'.

TV Shows:

Criminal Minds: I love this show. This show is what got me into horror movies and true crime. This show was like everything to me as a kid. I've seen all the seasons. This show spiked my interest and fears about the human mind. This show made me seriously wish a male character was actually physically real so I could marry him! Love you Spencer Reid my bisexual nerd you. But in great contrast to the horror of the show, I love how much of a found family the bau team is. I love their banter. It it's just these guys just bring me soo much comfort. Ships I love Emily x any female character because my woman deserves a girlfriend. Spencer x Happiness(or me I'd gladly take him) Morgan x Garcia(they soooo should have been canon). Sometimes I ship Hotch x Rossi, or Hotch and Reid. But over all Hotch deserves some happiness too. Fanfiction for this Fandom I just like reading a few here or there with the bau team being friends in other settings. Mostly college. I'll read any ship as long as it stays in character. Though id read anything with Spencer as the main focus.

(that's it for now. Didn't put Movies because the list for that is complicated. Considering a lot of the Movies I watch are connected to books and or other movies/comics that I haven't all read)

[northamptoncouplestherapy]

Not long ago, I used to joke that as a feminist family therapist I was obsolete twice over: once for being a family therapist and a systemic thinker— instead of being, say, a CBT practitioner—and then once again for being a feminist. I mean, who cared about feminism anymore? The points had been made, the lessons learned, and to some degree at least, the battles won—or at least on the way to being won. Feminism seemed to be old news. Gender issues in therapy? If anyone spoke about that anymore, it was to reenvision the whole idea—trans-kids, gender-fluid kids, straight men sleeping with other straight men. As for the impact of traditional gender roles on couples, on society—as for conversations about patriarchy and its effects—psychotherapists seemed largely to have lost interest.

Then 2016 happened.

When I gave a workshop called “Working with Challenging Men” at the 2015 Networker Symposium, it drew an audience of about 50 participants. When I was asked this year to give the same workshop, it drew an audience of more than 250. What happened to swell the ranks of those interested? We all know the answer: Donald Trump.

No matter what your political persuasion, it’s hard to deny that we have a man in the White House who behaves in ways that are not only challenging, but atavistic, offensive, and often downright frightening. Trump has called women “fat pigs,” ridiculed their appearance on social media, objectified and mocked them in person, and in his most unvarnished moment, bragged about assaulting them.

He’s regularly displayed behaviors one might’ve thought disqualifying in a public official. Harvard President Lawrence Summers was ousted almost immediately for asserting that women may have less innate math abilities than men—gone, and for a good reason. But “grab ’em by the pussy” from the leader of the free world? Democrats certainly thought it wouldn’t wash, but their efforts to make Trump’s character the issue in the election didn’t work. Each time they were freshly outraged by Trump’s behavior, his poll numbers grew.

So here’s a sobering thought: suppose Trump was elected not despite his offensive, misogynous behaviors but, at least in part, because of them. Whatever other factors determined the outcome of the election, a significantly large number of Americans, both men and women, educated and less educated, appear to have wanted a bully—or, said differently, a strongman—to be their nation’s leader. In a time perceived as dangerous, a time when the government seemed too paralyzed to accomplish much, when conservatives portrayed Obama as weak, ruminative, even feminine, we turned to a self-stylized alpha male.

Trump is a type. He fits the mold of other uber-tough guys of either sex that he openly admires and emulates: Erdogan in Turkey, Orban in Hungary, the Brexit leaders and Theresa May in the UK, and of course, there’s his storied bromance with Putin. Rarely noted is the fact that not just in the US, but sweeping throughout the West, this new so-called populism is gendered. Its appeal doesn’t lie exclusively with men. Factions of men and women these days are feeling a powerful pull toward many of the notions of traditional masculinity—and not just those few that make for good character, like real courage or loyalty. What we’re witnessing is a reassertion of masculinity’s most difficult and harmful traits: aggression, narcissism, sexual assaultiveness, grandiosity, and contempt.

And yet we psychotherapists, as a field, have remained largely silent about this resurgence, hamstrung by an ethical code that prohibits diagnosis or clinical discussion of public figures from afar. In our offices, we assiduously practice neutrality with regard to anything that smacks of the debates going on in the political realm, petrified that we might impose our values on vulnerable clients. But is neutrality in these times really in our clients’ best interests? Consider a recent couples session in my office with Julia, a petite and straight-backed woman, who lost her customary poise as she recounted her troubled week with her husband, Bob.

“I’m shot,” she confesses. “Frayed. Like a horse that shies away from the slightest sound.”

“She’s pretty spooked,” the laconic Bob agrees.

Julia smiles ruefully. “My poor husband tried to make love the other night, and I practically bit his head off.” What was triggering her so acutely? Haltingly, little by little, the trauma story winds its way out of her. First, she recalls the “ick factor,” as she puts it, of feeling her selfish, boundaryless father notice her physical development as an adolescent. Then there was the time he danced with her and had an erection, and finally, the night he drank too much and out and out groped her. “No one stood up for me. No one protected me. And now, ever since the election, I won’t let Bob near me,” Julia cries. “Just here, sitting here with you two men, walking the streets, I feel so unsafe.”

I take a deep breath and say what’s hanging like a lead weight in the air. “Your father’s in the White House,” I tell her. She doubles over, weeping hard. But she also reaches for her husband’s hand.

All over America women like Julia, who have histories of molestation, have been triggered by the ascendency of Trump. Julia is certainly in need of some trauma treatment, obviously; but to my mind, that comes second. The first order of business with her is naming the reality of what she’s facing. There’s a sexually demeaning man in the White House. This is real, not just about her sensitivities. For me to take a neutral stance on the issue, emphasizing Julia’s feelings and deemphasizing the actual circumstance, comes too close to minimization or denial, a replay of the covert nature of her father’s abuse to begin with. It was important, I felt, to speak truth to power; it was important for me as her therapist to name names.

THE HAZARDS OF MASCULINITY Let me be clear. I haven’t been for 40 years, nor will I ever be, neutral on the issue of patriarchy in my work. Traditional gender roles are a bad deal for both sexes. And they’re particularly toxic for men. The evidence couldn’t be clearer. In fact, the World Health Organization (WHO) has issued a statement implicating traditional masculine values as inimical to good health.

Let’s take a stark, bottomline issue: death. Men live 7 to 10 years less than women do, not because of some genetic differences, as most people imagine, but because men act like, well, men. For one, we don’t seek help as often as women do; it’s unmanly. Indeed, as I once wrote about male depression, “A man is as likely to ask for help with depression as he is to ask for directions.” And men are more noncompliant with treatment when we do get it. Also, we take many more risks. That driver without a seatbelt—odds are that’s a man. Men drink more, take drugs more, are more than three times as likely to be imprisoned, and five times as likely to commit suicide.

As Michael Marmot of WHO puts it, men’s poorer survival rates “reflect several factors: greater levels of occupational exposure to physical and chemical hazards, behaviors associated with male norms of risk-taking and adventure, health behavior paradigms related to masculinity, and the fact that men are less likely to visit a doctor when they are ill and, when they see a doctor, are less likely to report on the symptoms of disease or illness.”

Traditional masculine habits not only hurt men’s physical and psychological health, but also produce the least happy marriages. Study after study has shown that egalitarian marriages—which often involve dual careers and always encompass shared housework and decision making—unequivocally lead to higher rates of marital satisfaction for both sexes than do “traditional” marriages, based on hierarchy and a strict division of roles. Yet most therapists, even today, act as if these choices in marriage were simply a matter of personal preference, of legitimate, sometimes clashing values.

Where do we stand on issues like toxic masculinity and paternalistic marriage? For the most part, we don’t stand anywhere. We blink. So let me ask, if we were a group of dentists, knowing that candy is bad for teeth, would we be silent on the issue? Would we consider tooth brushing a personal value, not to be judged, only a matter of preference to be negotiated between family members?

PSYCHOLOGICAL PATRIARCHY

The men and women who come to us for help don’t live in a gender-neutral world. They’re embedded in, and are often emblematic of, a raging debate about patriarchy and a certain vision of masculinity. Trump appeals to a gender-conservative narrative, which holds feminists (“feminazis” as Rush Limbaugh calls us) responsible for deliberately attacking the line between masculine and feminine, and for “feminizing” men.

In a recent National Review article on Trump and masculinity, for example, Steven Watts laments that “a blizzard of Millennial ‘snowflakes’ has blanketed many campuses with weeping, traumatized students who, in the face of the slightest challenge to their opinions, flee to ‘safe spaces’ to find comfort with stuffed animals, puppies, balloons, and crayons.” And Fox News’s Andrea Tantaros rails, “The left has tried to culturally feminize this country in a way that is disgusting. And for blue-collar voters . . . their last hope is Donald Trump to get their masculinity back.”

The 2016 Presidential Gender Watch Report summarizes several surveys this way: “Trump supporters [are] much more likely than Clinton voters to say that men and women should ‘stick to the roles for which they are naturally suited,’ that society has become too soft and feminine, and that society today seems to ‘punish men just for acting like men.’” But to understand fully the implications of this gender narrative, even the contemptuous nuance of a derogatory term like snowflake, deemed by the Urban Dictionary as “insult of the year,” one needs to look squarely at the nature and dynamic of patriarchy itself.

I use the word patriarchy synonymously with traditional gender roles—misguided stoicism in men, resentful accommodation in women. As I tell my clients, an inwardly shame-based, outwardly driven man, coupled with an outwardly accommodating, inwardly aggrieved woman—why, that’s America’s defining heterosexual couple, successful in the world and a mess at home. Certainly, 50 years of feminism have changed most women’s expectations for themselves and their marriages, and Millennial men, for all their vaunted narcissism, are in many ways the most gender-progressive group of guys who’ve ever existed. But Baby Boomer men are often a mixed bag, and Boomer couples are in deeply conflicted distress. Divorce rates among this group are alarming, and climbing, causing some to write of a “gray divorce revolution.” We can reliably attribute many factors to this trend, but here’s the one that strikes me: many men in their 60’s are cut from the old patriarchal cloth, while many women in their 60’s are now having none of it. Have we therapists tuned in to what’s changed and what hasn’t in our gender attitudes?

Frankly, most of us in the mental health community thought that the old paradigm was on its way out— and indeed it might be. But not without a fight. The old rules, and the old roles, are still kicking, and many of us progressives have just grown complacent. If anyone over-estimated the triumph of feminism, the past election has to be viewed as a stinging rebuke and rejection. To this day, like it or not, we’re fish, and patriarchy is the tainted water we swim in.

But let’s get specific about patriarchy. For most, the word conjures up images of male privilege and dominance, and a resulting anger in women. I call this level political patriarchy, which is, simply put, sexism: the oppression of women at the hands of men. Psychological patriarchy is the structure of relationships organized under patriarchy. It not only plays in relations between men and women, but undergirds dynamics on a much broader level—among women, mothers and children, even cultures and races. The men and women who seek out therapy most often arrive at our doorstep saturated in the dynamic of psychological patriarchy, and I think it yields extraordinary clinical benefit to know about and work with this dynamic.

I see psychological patriarchy as the product of three processes, which you can imagine as three concentric rings.

The great divide. The first of these rings renowned family therapist Olga Silverstein, author of The Courage to Raise Good Men, refers to as “the halving process.” With this process, it’s as if we gathered all the qualities of one whole human being, drew a line down the middle, and declared that all the traits on the right side of the line were masculine and all those on the left were feminine. Everyone knows which traits are supposed to belong on which side. Being logical, strong, and competent is on the right, for example, and being nurturing, emotional, and dependent is on the left.

The dance of contempt. In traditional patriarchy, the two bifurcated halves, masculine and feminine, aren’t held as separate but equal. The “masculine” qualities are exalted, the “feminine” devalued. What does this tell us? That the essential relationship between masculine and feminine is one of contempt. In other words, the masculine holds the feminine as inferior. As feminist psychologist and sociologist Nancy Chodorow pointed out, masculine identity is defined by not being a girl, not being a woman, not being a sissy. Vulnerability is viewed as weakness, a source of embarrassment.

If you think this dance of contempt doesn’t affect you, I suggest you take a look at Trump’s budget. Here’s how Erin Gloria Ryan put it in The Daily Beast: “The President’s budget, like everything he talks about, play[s] into his conception of over-the-top manliness. Cuts to education, the environment, are cuts to feminized concerns, really. After school programs and meals-on-wheels, those are caretaking programs. Education (and really, all childcare), also the purview of women. The arts, not for men like Trump.”

The core collusion. I believe one of the greatest unseen motivators in human psychology is a compulsion in whoever is on the feminine side of the equation to protect the disowned fragility of whoever is on the masculine side. Even while being mistreated, the “feminine” shields the “masculine.” Whether it’s a child in relation to an abusive parent, a wife in relation to a violent husband, a captive who develops a dependency on those who took him or her hostage, or a church that protects sexually abusive ministers, perpetrators are routinely protected. One dares not speak truth to power. Everyday in our offices we bear witness to traditional hetero relationships in which the woman feels a deeper empathic connection to the wounded boy inside the man than the man himself feels. If she could only love that boy enough, she thinks, he’d be healed and all would be well. This is the classic codependent, a prisoner of what psychiatrist Martha Stark calls relentless hope. It’s an intrinsic part of trauma that victims (the “feminine”) tend to have hyper-empathy for the perpetrator (the “masculine”) and hypo-empathy for themselves. I call this empathic reversal, and it’s our job as clinicians to reverse that reversal and set things right, so that the perpetrator is held accountable and the victim is met with compassion, especially self-compassion.

CUT FROM THE OLD CLOTH

Just observing the way 53-year-old Bill sauntered over to my couch, clearly owning the room, I was tempted to label him an Old-School Guy. Lydia, his wife of 20-plus years, who was on the verge of leaving him, had another label for him. “Basically,” she tells me right off the bat, “he’s been a dick.” She bends down to scratch her ankle. “A real dick,” she reiterates. “For years, decades,” she sighs. “And I took it. I loved him. I still do. But, well, things have changed.” They’d come to my office in Boston from their home in Texas for what Bill described as a Hail Mary pass.

Here’s the story. Bill is a type: driven, handsome, relentless, utterly perfectionistic, and vicious to himself and others when a benchmark isn’t cleared. As their kids were growing up, there wasn’t much Lydia could do right: the house wasn’t picked up, the kids were too rowdy, the food was late or bland or both. Bill was both controlling and demeaning.

Lately, he’d become obsessed with physical performance, and he wanted to share his passion with his wife. Unfortunately, the way he invited her to the gym with him was to tell her how overweight she was. “I’m just attracted to fit women,” Bill says, shrugging.

“Yeah,” Lydia adds bitterly. “He thinks it’ll motivate me when he says, ‘That fat hanging over your belt disgusts me.’”

“I don’t have a very high emotional IQ,” Bill confides to me, his expression bland, untroubled. I’m thinking that I agree with him. Lydia, by the way, had been a competing amateur tennis player, with a figure many women would envy. I turn to Lydia, raising my eyebrows in a question.

“I’m no doormat,” Lydia asserts, stretching each word in her slow Texas drawl. “Sure, I took up at the gym again, but I also started spending more time with my girlfriends—I have a lot of friends—and I started my own business.”

I’m impressed. “Okay,” I say. “You’re no doormat.”

“Right,” she says.

“You didn’t just sit there and take his mistreatment.”

“Right.”

“You, uh,” I continue, “you gathered up your courage and confront- ed your husband on how. . . .”

“Well, no,” she smiles shyly. “I sup- pose I fell short on that one, until now anyway. Now I do.”

“What changed?” I ask, although I’m pretty certain I know the answer from their intake write up.

“Marylyn is what changed, Terry,” she says. And then, after a pause, she adds, “Eighteen months with Marylyn behind my back is what changed.” Bill sits beside her stony. “And there were others. I’m not sure of them all. Call girls when he traveled.” Letting out a sigh, she turns to her husband.

“It’s true,” Bill finally says, shaking his head. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Well,” I say, “what were you feeling?”

“Not much,” Bill tells me. Not satisfied, I press again, but he turns it back on Lydia, saying, “Well, you did pull away. I mean, between redoing the house, your business, your friends.”

“I pulled away because you were impossible!” Lydia wails in a quivering voice. “You kept harping at me about the damn gym!”

“Look,” he responds, more to me than to her, “I like the look of a fit woman. Shoot me. My parents were old in their 50’s, dead in their early 70’s. That’s not for me. I want to compete in triathlons in my 80’s. And I want my wife competing right by my side when I do.”

I’m starting to feel claustrophobic just hearing this. “Well, that’s fine, Bill. That’s what you want,” I tell him. “But have you ever asked Lydia what she wants?”

“I want you to talk to me,” Lydia finally screams, losing composure. She bends over and cries. “Jesus, just sit down and talk to me.”

“Okay, honey, I will,” Bill says to soothe her. But whether he will or won’t, he certainly hasn’t so far. “I’m just not good with emotion,” he tells me.“I just try to find a path and go forward. That’s my usual approach. Like the other night she woke me up in the middle of the night, crying, and I asked her if there’s anything she wanted, but. . . .”

“Just hold me,” she cries, “Just tell me you love me and that you want me!”

He turns on her, an accusing finger close to her face. “But you didn’t ask me for that, did you?” he says, making his point before some imagined jury. “Did you?” Now I can see the dripping condescension Lydia spoke of.

I lean toward him. “What are you so mad about?” I ask him, knowing that anger and lust are the only two emotions men are allowed in the traditional patriarchal setup. But much male rage is helpless rage. Burdened with the responsibility, and the entitlement, to fix anything that’s broken, including his wife, Bill sees Lydia’s unhappiness as an insoluble problem he must master, a rigged Rubik’s Cube with no winning moves. He describes his feelings as many men in his position do: frustration.

“I’m tired of being held responsible”—he takes a breath, visibly try- ing to regain his composure—“when I have no idea what she wants.”

“Oh,” I say. “So you feel helpless.” That brings him up short.

“Well,” he mutters, “I’m not sure thatI’d....”

“Right,” I say, heading him off. “You don’t do helpless, right? You don’t do feelings at all, except anger perhaps.”

“Yeah, that’s true.”

“Like most hurt partners, your wife needs to get into what happened, and like most partners who’ve had an affair, you’d like to move off of it as quickly as possible.”

“I don’t think wallowing in it. . . .” “She wins,” I tell him.“I’m sorry?” he asks.“The hurt partner wins. She gets to talk about it. She needs to talk about it.”

“And what do I do in the mean- time?” he looks at me, jaw stuck out, angry, a victim.

“Well, would you accept some coaching from me at this juncture?” I ask. He nods, though skeptically, and Bill and I begin to break down the idea of masculinity—or his stunted version of it.

For his entire life, Bill credited his success in life to his fevered drive for perfection. He thought his harsh inner critic, which he never hesitated to unleash on others, was his best friend, holding up the standard, goading him to achieve. I tell Bill that like most of the men I treat, even like Icarus winging it toward the sun, he thought it was the achievement of glory that made him worthy of love. And like Icarus, he was about to fall, and fall hard.

“But my drive is my edge, my equalizer. I may not be as smart as some of the boys in the office, but, man, I can work.”

“Let me help you out here,” I tell him. “I promise you that as we work together, you won’t lose your edge. All the guys I see worry about that. But you can be just as tough and, at the right times, just as driven.”

“So what will be so different?” he asks.

“You,” I tell him. “You’ll be different. Radically different if you want to save this marriage. You’ll have choice.”

Like most feminist therapists I know, I don’t want to “feminize” men any more than I want to “masculinize” women. I want choice. When the moment calls for combat, I want men to be ferocious. But when the moment calls for tenderness, I want men to be sweet, compassionate, soft. Mostly, I want men to be able to discern which moment is which and behave accordingly. I want men to hold fast to those elements that are good and right about the traditional male role—courage, loyalty, competence—but men like Bill also deserve to have access to emotion, particularly the vulnerable emotions that connect us to one another. He deserves to have more empathy for himself first of all, and for those he loves.

By the end of our long session, we all agree that Bill—or “the old Bill,” as I begin to call him—was selfish, controlling, demanding, and unhappy. He based his shaky sense of self worth on his performance, on whatever he’d amassed materially, and on his wife’s nurture. Although he’d have been loath to admit it before, Bill needed an overhaul.

“You’ve been acting in this marriage in a lot of ways as though you were still single,” I tell him. “Six hours a day at the gym, 10-hour bike rides, call girls when you travel. You need to learn to become what I call a real family man,” a term that deliberately harks back to some of the positive ideals contained in traditional notions of masculinity.

Contrary to what gender conservatives claim we feminists are after, I don’t want the men I work with to discard every aspect of masculinity. Rather, I talk to Bill about the differences between living life as a self-centered boy and living it like a family man. It’s not “repeal and replace” the entire notion of masculinity so much as “sort through, use the best, and transform the rest.”

“You played the old game: the competitive, don’t-rest-till-you-kill-them, grab-the-brass-ring game. Okay, you won at that one. Congratulations,”I say to him. “Now it’s time to learn a whole different game, different skills, different rules, if you want to stay married at least.” Bill’s nodding. He loves his wife, feels awful about how much he’s hurt her, would move mountains to keep his family intact. “Good,” I tell him.

“Because it’s mountains you’re going to have to move. This is about cultivating that wildly undeveloped part of you that you’ve actively tried to get rid of. It’s about redefining what you think constitutes “a man” and how he’s supposed to act in the world. You’ll need new skills that stress receptivity over action, like being curious about your wife, learning to be quiet and leave space for her, drawing her out, truly negotiating.” He seems game as he listens. “I’m happy for you,” I tell him. “May this day be the beginning of your new orientation, your new life.”

“Okay,” he says, a little skeptical still.

“The next time your wife wakes up in the middle of the night because she’s a wreck and she needs to talk,” I start.

“I know,” he interrupts.

“Listen,” I tell him. “Here’s your new compass. When in doubt, I want you to pause, take a breath, and then picture yourself as a generous gentleman.” Like the term family man, the opportunity for Bill to see himself as a generous gentleman offers him a model, a reference point, for giving more to his wife without feeling like she’s won and he’s lost. I repurpose a familiar ideal—gentleman—to inspire flexibility in Bill, a willingness to yield that doesn’t shame him. “The next time she wants something from you, ask yourself, What would a generous gentleman do at this moment?”

Becoming a generous gentleman requires Bill to move beyond his self-centeredness into compassion and bigheartedness, moving beyond sheer logic to feelings, both his and others. It’s a good example of using a mostly abstract ideal contained within the patriarchal lexicon to help a client move beyond patriarchy itself. Did I have an in-depth discussion with Bill about Donald Trump? No, though I certainly would’ve been open to it had Bill seemed interested. But did I talk to him about patriarchy in general? About women’s changing demands for more sharing, more intimate, more connected marriages? About the state of manhood in transition, from the old to the new? And was I clear with Bill about where I stood on these issues and why? The answer is an emphatic yes on all counts.

“Bill,” I tell him. “You’re a statistic. All over America, men like you are being dragged off to people like me so that we can help you learn how to be more relational, more giving, more empathic, more vulnerable—just a more thoughtful, connected person. There are hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of Bills in offices like this one. We can’t make it all about personal failings; there are too many of you.”

Bill looks at me. “But when we go home,” he sighs, trailing off. “It’s just hard to know what she wants from me.”

“I know,” I commiserate. “This isn’t easy. But you have a wonderful source of information sitting right next to you.” Then I turn to Lydia. “Of course, you’ll have to do things differently, too,” I tell her. “At this stage in the game, you’re more comfortable giving Bill feedback about all he does wrong than vulnerably asking for what he might do right.” Like many of my female clients, Lydia had spent most of her marriage vacillating between stuffing it and losing it. For the most part, she was silent and resentful, so Bill brushed off her occasional rants as hysteria. “You told your truth when you were ready to fight with him, but you did it in a harsh, critical way, which people in general, and men in particular, won’t listen to.”

“Listen,” she says, revving up, “I tried everything under the sun to get him to hear what I was saying.”

“I’m sure that’s true,” I say. “But Lydia, that was then, and this is now. I have a saying: an angry woman is a woman who doesn’t feel heard. But pumping up the emotional volume doesn’t work. However, I think I have good news for you. I think you’ve been heard today, by Bill and by me. I understand what you’re saying I get it, and I’m on it. I want you to let me work with Bill now. I can get through to him in ways you’re not positioned to be able to do. I’m an outside party; you’re his wife.”

Over the years, I’ve found this to be an enormously helpful position to take in therapy, no matter if the therapist happens to a man or a woman. I often say to female clients like Lydia, “I’ve got him. You don’t have to be his relational coach or teacher anymore. Give that job to me. You can afford to relax and start enjoying him again.” By stepping in, acknowledging the asymmetry in their relational skills and wishes, and explicitly offering myself as her ally, I hope to help women like Lydia resign from their role as their partner’s mentor. “I’ll coach Bill,” I tell Lydia. “You breathe, relax, let your heart open up again.”

Earlier in the session, I’d said I was excited for Bill. But with Lydia at the threshold of her own relational learning on how to break the traditional feminine role of silence and anger, I’m thrilled for her, too. I’m eager to teach her how to stand up for herself with love, how to switch from statements like “I don’t like how you’re treating me!” to ones like “I want to be close to you. I want to hear what you’re saying. Could you be kinder right now so I can hear better?”

Both partners need to learn how to be more skilled. But moving each toward increased intimacy requires leaving behind the old roles for them both. Real intimacy and patriarchy are at odds with each other. To the degree that a couple approaches the former, they move beyond the latter. As the old roles seek to reassert themselves in our society, it seems more important than ever to take a stand in favor of new ones, new configurations that provide more openness in men like Bill and more loving firmness in women like Lydia.

AGENTS OF CHANGE

For years, I quipped that, as a couples therapist, I was a medic in the vast gender war, patching up men and women in order to send them back out into the fray. But in the age of Trump, I don’t want to be a neutral medic anymore. I’d rather take a stand for healthy marriages. Pathology is rarely an aberration of the norm so much as an exaggeration of it. The way Bill had routinely controlled and savaged his wife, and the way she’d reacted, with distance and occasional rage of her own, were right out of the patriarchy playbook. Could I have done the same work with them without ever referencing gender roles, or masculinity? Perhaps, but why would I want to, when silhouetting a couple’s issues against the backdrop of gender roles in transition makes so much sense to people?

In 2013, sociologist Michael Kimmel wrote Angry White Men, about a group of people many now claim make up a large part of Trump’s base. Central to Kimmel’s findings was a sense of what he called “aggrieved entitlement,” which, from a psychological perspective, looks to leave the person they’re with as much as they want to leave the person they themselves have become. And it’s not that they’re looking for another person, but another self. But even happy people cheat, and affairs aren’t always a symptom of something wrong in the marriage or in the individual.

A lot like the fusion of shame and grandiosity, a perpetual sense of angry victimhood—in a word, patriarchy. In a new work, Kimmel looks at four organizations that help deprogram men who leave hate groups like white supremacists and jihadists. What he found implicit in all these hate groups was traditional masculinity: the more rigid the vision of the masculine, and the more fervently the man held onto such rigid beliefs, the more vulnerable he was to extremist politics and violence. Countering this vision of masculinity was key to the deprogramming.

With this as our cultural context, what we therapists are being called upon to do is what the WHO has already done—explicitly declare traditional masculinity a health hazard, not just to men, but to the families who live with them. We should continue to develop techniques for openly challenging toxic patriarchal notions like the one that says harsh inner critics are good for us, or the one that says vulnerability is a sign of weakness. We need to invite each gender to reclaim and explore its wholeness, as sexy, smart, competent women, as well as bighearted, strong, vulnerable men. We must check our own biases so as not to sell men short as intrinsically less emotional, for example, or to sell women short by not explicitly helping them find a voice in their relationships that’s simultaneously assertive and cherishing.

In these troubled times, what do we clinicians stand for if not the plumb line of intimacy? But we must remember that intimacy itself is a relatively new, and contentious, demand. Marriage wasn’t historically built for intimacy in today’s terms, but for stability and production. Under patriarchy, emotional intimacy itself is coded as “feminine,” as is therapy, for that matter. The intrinsic values of therapy—communication, understanding, empathy, self-compassion, the importance of emotion—these are all downplayed as “feminine” concerns in the traditional masculine playbook.

I want us therapists to put these concerns on the table, and stand up and be counted as agents for the historically new idea of lasting, long-term intimacy, and with it the increased health and happiness that study after study has shown it leads to. I want us to be more explicit—both in public discourse and in the privacy of our offices—in articulating the painful psychological costs of the old, patriarchal world order, which is asserting itself again in our lives. Democratic relationships simply work better than hierarchical ones in marriages, and both sexes are better off liberated from the dance of contempt. It’s healing for all our clients to move beyond the core collusion and speak truth to power. It’s healing for us therapists to do the same in the presence of those who want our guidance.

We’re the people who are being turned to for help when the old ways no longer work. We can merely patch things up, or we can aim our sights on transformation and offer an entirely new vision. The path toward sustained intimacy can’t be found in the resurgence of a patriarchal past. It’s part of our job and responsibility to point our clients toward the future. If we therapists are to be true agents of healing, we must first be true agents of change.

Terry Real is a nationally recognized family therapist, author, and teacher.  He is particularly known for his groundbreaking work on men and male psychology as well as his work on gender and couples; he has been in private practice for over thirty years. Terry has appeared often as the relationship expert for Good Morning America and ABC News. His work has been featured in numerous academic articles as well as media venues such as Oprah, 20/20, The Today Show, CNN, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Psychology Today and many others.

This blog which originally appeared in the Psychotherapy Networker, was republished on NCCT with permission from the author.

Author: Terry Real

Check out a 2-Day Training with Terry Real of The Relational Life Institute

[podtherapy]

#239: Leading Him on in Couples Therapy, Post Therapy Suffering, EMDR and Trauma

[narwhalsarefalling]

Okay I’ve literally never seen bnha but I’ve read a handful of fics because hehe super hero.. do you have any recs that don’t need. Extensive knowledge of the canon for?

hm, yes! i have a few fics that are considered “canon rewrites” in which its the whole manga/anime rewritten in the form of an au, and fics that dont require much knowledge of canon aside from who the main characters are. ill do the latter for now, but if you want to know more about the canon rewrites you can send me another ask!

Learning Curve- honestly one of my favorites. quirk science, shenanigans, angst, and dadzawa

Phoenix- Avatar State Deku :)

You know that thing where an orchestra swaps instruments, and like, some of them get it right away, but others have no clue what they're doing? This is that but with quirks, two unwilling participants, and also Emotions- YES THATS THE ACTUAL TITLE and its really good. momo and bakugou swap quirks

Through Thick and Thin (and a couple of broken bones)- Monoma copies Deku’s quirk and has a Bad Time

third couch is the charm- todoroki sets three couches on fire, which is three couches too many and takes quirk control classes with Kamimari

Building (up) a hero- i admit that this wont really make sense if you havent watched certain episodes of the anime (since these are minor characters), but its still really REALLY cute and precious so it deserves a spot on the list

All’s Well- Bakugou’s quirk gets supercharged. has the bonus of an alternate ending and a LOT of punched feelings in the gut. literally sobbed reading this. 

plants towards the sun (we begin to heal, one by one)- BAKUGOU GOES TO THEARPY. finally.

a wound that never heals (always leaves a scar)- deku gets his memory swapped back to a certain moment, and can’t understand why he’s at UA.

Humans make surprisingly good pillows- FLUFF. deku falls asleep on his friends

i also have a gen fic collection for fics that are similar to these, in which that they have a lot of worldbuilding or solid characterizations. so if you want more there’s always more here!

[profoundinqq]

belphegor: so when did you two tie the knot?

dean: we’re not married.

belphegor: but wasn’t jack your kid?

cas: yes.

belphegor: so you’re in a courtship?

cas: no.

belphegor: so you have a kid together but you’re not together?

dean: he was not our kid.

belphegor: you literally just said he was.

cas: he was like a kid to us.

belphegor: i think you two need some couples thearpy. i charge $20 an hour.

[rat-turd]

I’m only going based off the Netflix series, but did Geralt actually care for Jaskier?

 I’m only gonna talk about a few instances but watching it the first couple times it really did seem that Jaskier was almost nothing more than an annoyance that he just allowed to follow him. 

I mean Imagine you’re sitting in a diner and a stray dog walks up to you, and it just follows you around. It’s whatever you don’t really mind one way or the other, but then some guys run up on you and they start to kick the dog,so you tell them to quit.  Thats all Geralt did with the elves. 

Then the dog knows that you’re safe. It tells other street dogs.and you find yourself helping those too. why not? The dog knows That you’ll protect it should the need arise. The next time you see it it pesters you until you follow it. Again someone starts to fuck with the dog and you stop it again. This time other Dogs get involved. you manage to break this up too. At this point you're still not too invested. The cintran court episode. 

Here’s what I really want to get into. the Djinn episode. 

The dog stumbles upon you fishing something out of a river, a jacket or whatever. as you pull it out the dog grabs one end and you grab the other, You’re frustrated and angry and you YANK hard. You end up hurting the dog. It’s your fault. so logically you need to fix it. So it’s scared now, not of you, but it hasn't been hurt in a long time and its bleeding and its whimpering and you can see the fear in its eyes as it lets you approach it. You’re only helping out of obligation. To try and calm it down you coo and pet it. Essentially This is what Geralt is doing when he takes Jask to a healer. He tells him that they wont let him die. But he doesn't really seam genuine saying it. Like a “you're gonna be fine it’s alright. you’ll live.” A lie to comfort some one you hurt. So you take the dog to this fine af vet who you end up having to save him from again.

Then it follows you on a nature walk and the two of you meet up with that sexy vet and the dog goes poking his head where it doesn't belong and you just have to sigh and go see whats up bc you’ll be damned if somethings going to kill this resilient ass dog on ur watch. then something happens and the hot vet leaves you and the dog comes to comfort you but you’ve had enough of this annoying ass dog so finally you snap and you talk to this dog in the most angry tone you can muster and tell it to go away to leave you the hell alone. 

It does. and you can breathe easy. Finally, no dog getting you into trouble. just like you always wanted. 

All of my takes are shit so dont mind me. this was more thearpy for me

OR alternately. Geralt cared very much but just /cant/ express himself bc he doesnt know how and I read way too much into this. 

[randomheadcanons]

Okay expanding!

College: addy and kai

---------------

Addy:

University of Dayton, Ohio

Got admitted on a conditional acceptance due to her ACT being being pretty low but interviewed really well so she got in

Started off as a nursing major and quickly realized it wasn't for her and switched to PT (physical thearpy) and was a lot happier

Still struggled in classes and went to tutoring a lot

Always lived on campus due to a stipulation in a grant scholarship that she recieved

Has never once had a good roommate experience

Due to this, hung out a lot at Oscar's

Joined APO (service fraternity) and an archery club

Visited home frequently since it was only a couple hours away (and took Oz)

-----------

Kai:

Gave community college a try at home with the intention of majoring in Biology or something

Gave it a couple semesters, did okay, decided it wasn't for him and he just wanted to surf and be with his plants

Gets a job at a local greenhouse and absolutely loves his life

I think he eventually opens up his own green house after addy and he get married

He also teaches surfing for money as well

He visits addy a fair amount at Dayton, usually for spring breaks

[teacupfulofstarshine]

*bounces excitedly* Starshine!! Hellos!! I had an actually fun day!!! But before I get into it- I love you!! So very much!!! Take care of yourself please!!! I like to remeber that sometimes to take care of myself, I must expand my mind to do so. How do you do that? I do it a couple of ways. I go to thearpy, and when I do I take notes. Also there a bunch of things in several religions that when you study them, it gives you secret self care knowledge!! Great right!! (1/2 )

Speaking of which!!! I did a cool religious thing!! I went to the temple and did 15 of my own family names!!! That’s a thing my church does- baptism by proxy for the dead people who haven’t heard of the gospel. It made me very happy!!:-)Though did you hear about Notre Dame burning down? That did not make me happy :-( My mom was devastated, I can only think of what some others are going through. Sending lots of hugs and saltines and organic lolly pops!!-🐈 

hello darling one!!! that’s so cool, i’m glad you’ve found good ways to take care of yourself! and i did hear about the cathedral burning down : ( but it’s burned down multiple times in the past, and it’s been rebuilt each time. it will be okay

[longbeachtherapy1]

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[princess-of-the-corner]

Yeah and I 100% understand why Lucee doesn't want to the only things they have told me about their past was either being forced to work for bad people, people justifying attacking all demons because their form is a demon, and of course people trying to destroy them. They mostly just want to hide away and get their friends back. Their favorite food is Black Liccorice and they almost broke down in apologies when I said I don't really like Black Liccorice as a passing comment.

Does Godly thearpy exist? Once I find all the Kwamii's I Would like to recommend them all because this box was and I quote Lucee "created from the bad Kwamii" like seriously If Lucee would let me I would fuck them all up so bad

Guy: "Oh mood."

Ariel: "Will be looking into godly therapy because ya know what most Gods could use it. I know the Greeks could benefit from some couples' counseling."