#if we put ourselves out there enough
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Note
How would you recommend someone who's been here awhile as a whump blogger get more... engagement? I will post ask games and get virtually no ask or such. :( when I first started I had crazy engagement but now it's just gone. Makes me feel a little bad like I did something wrong? Aaa I'm sorry xx
Ahahaa anon this is an interesting ask to get at an interesting time. I’m going to do my best to help and give advice with what I’ve been wanting to try out as this is something that I have been thinking about a lot lately as well. I’m going to put this below a cut as I often feel. Weird talking about things regarding engagement and I understand some people don’t like those conversations but y know it is what it is
Let me start off with, I’m sure you didn’t do anything wrong friend! I have noticed engagement has gone down a lot lately, not just in myself but in blogs that I follow that were VERY active and got lots of engagement back when they first started posting, and while they’re still very active and absolutely fantastic and talented writers, they still aren’t getting the attention they used to. I want to add a quick disclaimer that I understand engagement and attention is not everything, that we are supposed to create for ourselves, we are not simply content machines here to please an audience but also. When you go from having constant engagement with your work to what feels like none, it does feel a little discouraging, if not a lot discouraging and leave you wondering what changed. I think that’s normal. While we should create with ourselves in mind, it’s also just human nature to want to connect and interact with others who also enjoy our creations!
Onto the next thing, I have a few theories as to why engagement in general may have gone down. Obviously, I don’t know who you are or what your specific situation is so these may not apply! But they are things I think about when I think about this
Personally, I joined as a whump blog in 2019 and gained a bit of a following RIGHT before Covid lockdowns. Around this time a lot of people were home, a lot of people had way more time to write, to read, to interact with each other, I recall this time as being very active for everybody, between the Whump community online and whump discord servers, nobody had anywhere to go or anything else to do so we were all online indulging in what may have been a new hobby and new and exciting space for some people.
Following that, Covid lockdowns ended. People went back to work, back to school, and suddenly a lot of us just. Can’t be as active as we used to. This community seems to be full of neurodivergent people, I imagine a lot of us are struggling to balance school/work, household responsibilities, and our hobbies and things like writing or keeping up with our favorite series may fall to the side unfortunately. People graduated high school, started college, started jobs, these will take up a lot of time so I’m not really surprised to see a decrease in general activity.
So just like those things mean a lot less people are likely to be active as much as they used to, it may also mean you aren’t as active as you used to be. Again, I don’t know your situation personally, but I went back to work in February of 2021 and since then I have written. Less and less. It’s actually kind of depressing when I see time stamps on things and realize how little I wrote at all in 2022 because work was such a drain on me and even now, I struggle to have the time, energy, and inspiration all at the same time to write when I have other things that need to be done as well. My own engagement has gone down significantly since when I first started, so I understand exactly what your talking about, I post about my oc’s constantly but I struggle to really write and it’s very rare to get asks about them the way that I used to (that’s not to say it never happens and I love seeing the ones I do get in my inbox but I have noticed a change that I don’t think is exactly significant to just myself)
(Split this up cuz it was too long for one lmao) I mostly assume it’s due to less people being active as per the reasons mentioned above, there are names I used to see often that have since disappeared and I think about often, but also I know it’s partly on me because I just. Don’t write as much as I used to. People engaged when I had writing for them to engage with. I don’t have that very often any more so they don’t have anything to work with. That’s understandable. I often find myself getting in a mood where I’ve convinced myself everyone has lost interest and if I’m being completely honest that poll I posted was to see if something I was wondering about was correct because I have always noticed a slight uptick in asks or requests regarding one OC but unfortunately I still write primarily for myself and that one OC just. Isn’t the one I want to focus on all the time and I worried I was failing a lot of people by focusing on what I liked.
Anyways that’s all to say. I understand what you mean and this has also been on my mind a lot lately. But I’ve also been thinking about what to do about it.
For one thing, for the same reasons I don’t write as much as I used to, I also don’t read as much as I used to, I miss connecting with other people over THEIR work as well. That doesn’t always mean they’ll be into my stuff, they don’t have to be! I love that they’re creating at all and I want to enjoy it and engage with them over their creations as well! Of course I understand we shouldn’t be interacting just in the hopes it’ll draw attention to ourselves, but it’s also the natural outcome of things. If we aren’t able to reach out to others, they likely won’t reach out to us or look into what we’re doing. There’s quite a few of us, it’s easy to miss some really awesome blogs and really awesome work just because we end up in our own little circles.
Posting your writing or art or whatever it may be regularly, especially being sure to put it in the Whump community tags allows for more people to keep up with it or new people to find and support you and potentially garner new interest if you feel like people have lost interest in what you make. Personally, my goal with doing whumptober is to start writing and posting somewhat regularly again, in a way that more and new people may see it. This is also something I need to fix up but having a good master list is great for people who are new and want to catch up!
And not to sound like hopelessly optimistic but like. Don’t give up. And focus on creating with yourself in mind. You didn’t do something wrong, things have just changed, I forgot to mention this above as it just came to me but I remembered tumblr started doing that thing where you need an account to send anon asks which will have axed a lot of people who were lurking without an account and didn’t want to make one. I know it feels disheartening and discouraging because we want people to enjoy our work but the only way to get that is to keep working. Your work still has value even if people aren’t engaging the way they used to and I’m sure that it’s great! The people who love it the same as you do will find it I’m sure, and I’m wishing you the best of luck!
#I’m sorry anon I hope that this can be of some assistance#I think there are some things we can do to help the situation and other things are just kind of#how things are given everything going on y know#I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong and I know this can be very disheartening#I’ve talked about it on my other blog some but I often worry people have just. completely lost interest#but then I’m like. no. those people are still here. and /I/ haven’t lost interest. so even if everyone is sick of me#I will continue posting because it makes me happy#do what makes you happy friend and I know we can’t control others actions#but I think the people who share our interests will find us#if we put ourselves out there enough#anonymous
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
How much of the self is present in the ancestor?
#i was feeling really bad and dysphoric so i picked up the crayons. as you do#and this evolved out of it and it got me thinking about a “return to animal” type sentiment#like i was watching videos of apes last night and thinking how different it must be to simply exist in your body#without hiding it in clothes and gender conformity and such#and then i was thinking about the idea of “returning” to a state of being you haven't even existed in#couldn't exist in. because you are a product of what came before you etc#(and ofc apes are almost as different from the common ancestor as we are so it wouldn't be returning to ape but like yknow#the abstract idea of the beings we were before we were humans.)#and like why do we call it returning if we ourselves were never there? how much of ourselves actually exists in the past?#why is it that we feel enough kinship to the past that we say “return” when we think about existing there?#anyway. rhetorical questions mostly. this drawing isn't exactly about that train of thought#but i felt i needed to put it somewhere. and this is where i thought of it and i like the way the caption looks#this drawing is sort of about the feverish desire to rid myself of physical discomfort#griffffdraws
30 notes
·
View notes
Text
just finished el mundo gira and i thought it was like. comically bad. sorry to any el mundo gira stans, but tomorrow's writeup will have some hater energy.
#sometimes we need to let ourselves be haters. it is a truth rarely acknowledged. but you know it to be true.#just sitting here wondering wtf i watched#their weird fucking heads 😭😭😭#usually when i see a bad episode i try to find an angle to enjoy it from but today we've got nothing#but the sheer absurdity of which was daring bold and camp in concept and a bummer in execution#there are three main kinds of bad txf episode#the first is “oh my god why did no one tell them this was a terribly offensive thing to put on TV” (genderbender or excelsis dei)#or “oh my god this is horrifically out of character” (3 or certain episodes from late s2 where they are always arguing)#and the 3rd kind are the just boring episodes#here we got offensive while trying to deliver some sort of message (i think?) AND boring!#a unique and unprecedented combo!#lmao man. lmfao even#it was just. not good.#usually with the horribly offensive ones i am at least invested in the plot in a sort of “can't look away from a train wreck” sense#but here i was just like. okay. what do you want me to say.#LMAO it was just not very good!! i am a lover enough to hate the things i love sometimes.#it is not my least fave of all time tho... perhaps i shall make a ranking on those. the ones i will never ever watch again.#but i would say it places into my worst 10... maybe? i think so. yeah. at least my worst 15.
10 notes
·
View notes
Note
Hey!! I just wanted to say thanks for all your hard work <3<3
I had been a little down when it came to creating more content or being involved in Zukka side of the fandom but seeing your update reminded me to just have fun. And okay this is going to sound bad but I swear I mean this as a compliment; I thought I was wasting my time working for months and years on the stuff I made, but then I realized your fic series brings me so much joy and I'd never, ever judge you for the amount of effort you put into your writing. Seeing it's actually inspiring, to see that someone holds that much passion and creativity and you are sharing it all for FREE. That a person could take all this time to intricately weave together a story, create memorable OCs, breathe new life and make the ATLA world so much bigger than it ever was in canon.
So thanks for accidentally giving me a kick in the butt to stop being judgy about my own work and making me realize you and every fan creator is AWESOME.
I hope you have a wonderful day, your writing is a blessing.
awwww I wanted to say thank you for sending me this ask! I know it’s not easy to put yourself out there, even on anon, so I think it’s cool you felt confident enough to come here and tell me about how you’re feeling.
I don;t think what you’re saying is bad at all haha, because honestly, I feel the same way. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wondered why the fuck am I still doing this? What’s the point? Do people even still care? What if it’s not good enough? What if people discover I have no fucking idea what I’m doing? Why am i spending so much of my time and effort doing this?? I mean… the self doubt is super real, and shiiiiiit let me discover one person that feeds into my self doubt and I’m full on spiraling haha. (Be nice to creators damn it! we are doing our damn best lol)
I’m really glad you think my fic is awesome, and if it weren’t people like you reminding me, I probably would have given up a long time ago haha. I do give my fic a lot of effort, and I hope you continue to give your creations the same amount of love and effort! I’m sure you’re amazing, and seriously don’t give up! I care about your creations and if I don’t get to stop neither do you! WOHOOO!!
Thanks for the ask anon sorry it took me so long to answer
#I am the kind of person who is like AWWWW NO ASKS…#then I get an ask and I’m like YAY ASK!!!#& then I;m like OH NO HOW DO I ANSWER THIS ASK!?!?!?#but then if I don’t get an ask in a while I assume everyone hates me and then the cycle starts over again when I get another ask#but seriously anon DON’T STOP CREATING!!!!!#I wish the voices in our head weren’t constantly trying to discredit us#I also think the pressure we put on ourselves to be good enough is fucking dumb#like who cares if people like reblog comment kudo all that stuff#but ugh we all care so much#I love that you see all my passion and creativity in LIAB because I do put a lot of effort into that stupid fic#and yeah it stresses me out but when I see that it brings people joy and its worth it#& its not even that it’s stressful to write#I fucking love writing it#but yeah don’t think you’re alone with the ‘what’s the point’ thoughts#I’m sure we’ve all been there#at least I know I have been there#and kind of still am in there hahaha#thanks for this ask anon I hope I didn’t ramble too much#I hope you show me when you create something new! I’d love to see it#LIAB#ask
17 notes
·
View notes
Text
the vet today really tried to talk me into paying $600 for the same service they provided for my mom and her dog a few months ago for under $100
#they told me the urine sample i got from my dog at home for a uti test wasn't sterile enough#but it was not an issue in the slightest when my mom did it#THEY told me to get the sample and then i got there and they were like#'um actually 🤓 we'd prefer if you let us use an ultrasound to find her bladder and extract the sample with a needle ourselves'#'we only have to use anesthesia if she struggles too much' kay well she will struggle bc she hates being put on her back#and you can't give her anesthesia cause she's an old dog with cancer#and also im not giving you 600 fucking dollars when you did this exact same test for my mom a few months ago#using a sample she brought from home#what the fuck?#text post#and the more i denied it the more it was like 'well....'#'well we're really just looking for the presence of red and white blood cells alongside bacteria so it should be fine i guess'#'well we'd really want to do that test to find out the specific bacteria but since this isn't a recurring problem it should be fine'#'well if it comes back after she's done with the antibiotics then we'll know it's more complex but we don't have any reason to think that rn#THEN WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO PAY $600#AND WHY DIDN'T YOU PULL THIS SHIT WITH MY MOM?!#is it cause im younger? you think you can convince me bc im young and niave?#my dog is 12 years old and 3 years into a terminal cancer diagnosis#i just need to know if this is a symptom of her body finally shutting down of if she just needs antibiotics
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
“are the girls going to help you make pierogis?” well no one else is fucking gonna are they? no one else in this house has functional fucking hands apparently
#every Christmas i think about the time we came home from mass and my father said “finally! now we can relax.” and sat down at his computer#and played video games for the next three hours while my mother and sister and i stood six feet away from him in the kitchen making#200 pierogis.#it’s crazy considering the amount of stuff he gets done for him on a daily basis that I would never even think would be done for me by anyo#like bed made for him/all meals/all dishes/food put on his plate for him because he refuses to do it himself/pretty much all errands#whenever he wants tea he just says that want out loud and it gets brought to him by magic#i mean or anything else! he once said “did you say we were having cappuccinos today?” just to no one in particular and we all knew no one h#had said anything of the sort. and then he was given one!#of course he goes to work from 8-6ish every day but other than one day a week it’s remote and has been for years and i can hear him#he is pretty much never not on the phone gossiping with someone#and i don’t begrudge him having a not physically intensive job or anything but im just trying to think of the things he has to do#he makes my mother mow the lawn. i do it when i am home because i think that’s disgraceful.#if my mother begs hard enough he'll do the least amount of yard work possible if it’s something we can’t physically do by ourselves.#but on a daily basis it’s just go to work/eat the breakfast brought to you/eat the lunch brought to you/come downstairs eat the dinner made#for you/play video games until you go to bed in the bed that was made for you in the morning#and on non work days it’s just eat/video games/bed#and like all this to say#he complains more and has a worse attitude than anyone I have ever known in my life#whenever he encounters a minor inconvenience he's talking about how it never ends and he never gets a chance to rest for once#literally any day that’s not spent in complete and total stagnation is considered a failure#he hates when my mother and sister and i are happy like we can’t even play music and laugh in the kitchen while we cook and clean up after#meals because it distracts him from his video games and his YouTube videos about video games and the war in Ukraine#he gets mad when we laugh too much lol like dude you’re pretty lucky you have daughters who can have fun while doing the dishes#considering you haven’t done them in like 20 years#word to the ladies out there btw: my parents used to clean up after dinner together when they first got married. so watch out lmao
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
oh camus.......its getting hard for me to keep pushing this fucking boulder..............
#sorry albert#im trying#im ttying to get it#the struggle for the heights itself is enough to fill a mans heart. i know. i know that camus i know#but it fucking hurts it always hurts why does it hurt why did i not realise it hurt??? its hurt for so long and i didnt fucking realise#why did i let it hurt#why dont i just out the fuckign boulder down#no i did put the boulder down#but then it just became something the people i loved had to push. fuck#thats the reason we work on ourselves.#nobody ACTUALLY cares about themselves#they care about other people#and the only way to care for other people is to care about yourself enough to be there for them#fuck#fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck#whatever#ok. ok whatrver
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
so fuckin late i just found out abt the matt healy nonsense and im fuckin disassociating bro x
#decades of work by grassroots organisers just to get the extremists to look away and pay no mind to queer people#so they can just fucking live. when public canings and beatings and jail time STILL HAPPENS for being queer bc it's listed as a crime#imagine doing that shit in a country where the rec 'treatment' for being gay is conversion therapy#imagine doing that. putting that spotlight on the thousands of people who are just barely surviving by relying on living in the shadows#while they chip away at the social constraints impeding progress bit by bit. imagine doing that. saying that. and then fucking off home#and ignoring all the homophobia and transphobia in YOUR country because it doesn't matter presumably bc its Worse when its nasty brown ppl#going BACK to your own homophobic transphobic country. leaving the thousands of people left exposed by that limelight.#im not even going to touch on ''im taking your money'' and the inherently disgusting colonialist bullshit in that#expecting him to donate to local queer charities is too much when he's a piece of shit#but jfc. and all his fucking insane fans going queer malaysians who have to live w the consequences of matt's actions who complain abt that#are suffering from internalised homophobia & i have no sympathy for you#firstly. queer malaysians saying 'stop - this is not advocacy it's actively threatening us' is not internalised homophobia#secondly. explain why you have no sympathy for queer people with internalised homophobia.#like. explain. as if we weren't all questioning and struggling. as if we come out of the womb just lucky enough to Know without a doubt.#as if we dont exist in societies and families that shape us into something we're not until we can't recognise ourselves#like explain why you have no sympathy for your fellow queers and act like they're the enemy. explain why you're siding with some cishet#trash white man actively endangering brown qpoc in the THOUSANDS in a drunken fit on stage. over the qpoc actually affected by this.#explain it. go on.#fucking sickeningggg it's SICKENING#tbd
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
Me: I'm fine about my autism now btw, like I've come to terms with my fixated interests, limited tolerances and social inabilities. The alienation it brings is not ideal but it's just a reality I've gotta deal with now that I know it's just a part of who I am. I mean, it's not like an awkward conversation is gonna ruin anyone's life, is it? We'll both move on from it eventually. This is fine!
Also me: physically unable to watch beyond the first word of the first question of The Assembly because oh my god what if someone says something awkward or controversial or someone can't make themselves understood people are gonna get mad and scream about it online and I will freeze up and be stuck in the backlash forever I don't know how to handle conflict AT ALL let's just hide in the corner behind the sofa instead wait what if I became a hermit actually yeah yeah yeah that sounds good let's do that
#unresolved trauma? never even heard of her haha 😅#maddie debrief#that 2-minute intro/taster did nothing to calm me down either btw#I'm never comfortable around the types of shows where 'difference' becomes the core conceit of the premise#oh. so you've created a format dependent on making a socially alienated group face the social rules that made them alien in the first place#and then deriving your conflict from the 'natural contradiction' between the two?#sounds like the exact kind of conflict-seeking environment where I can let my normal guard down enough to meaningfully challenge#my deeply rooted feeling that people generally find me cumbersome to be around and mostly just tolerate my presence out of necessity#lovely that#(like i say I haven't seen the show#so idk if it is actually like that or if it's just the promo material stirring shit up as per usual#but as of rn I do not feel welcome in this room)#why does the 'we're not so different after all' always have to come at the climax and never the midpoint of the story?#why can we never find more than personal gratification in that realisation?#why do we always focus on the difficulty of coming to the realisation rather than the conflict of putting the realisation into *practice*?#I know why#it is because the human imagination is far more limited than we like to believe#and we find it hard to even *imagine* a world that we haven't seen functioning for ourselves yet#let alone find a purpose in *acting* on the idea#(especially if we ourselves currently feel dependent on the status quo for our personal welfare#which is why shows made to depend on 'difference = conflict' make my blood run cold)#so if we have to see to believe - how many cases of real world functioning equity does the average person understand?#very few. so let's instead lazily invert the state of power in an existing dynamic that people are familiar with#thereby reaffirming its false dichotomy through perpetuating what is essentially the same old conflict#while claiming to subvert it when in fact all we have done is reverse the dominance while keeping everyone locked in their roles#can someone just put some thought into how we might create a format that aims to loosen up the underlying skewed power dyanmic#so that everyone has to work together to prevent the elevation of a single way of being over all others#because that just becomes suffocating to *everyone* in the end#and that can still *acknowledge difference* but not as a source of conflict - rather as a source of collective strength?#but the story of changing one perspective will always be easier to both tell and enjoy than the one about building something new
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Sometimes I wonder how much crossover there actually is between ADHD and autism, vs... if you have ADHD there's a higher chance you have SOME degree of autism, and vice versa. How much of it is inherent to the diagnosis vs subclinical comorbidity
#not JUST between adhd and autism but those are the two i see linked the most#i saw something the other day about more recent research showing there's actually not that much crossover between them?#but i haven't read the research. the headline may be inaccurate#like i have enough autism symptoms i can probably fill out a checklist but they don't really affect my life the way adhd does#like i know in the end psychiatric labels are merely an attempt at pathologizing the human condition so we can better understand ourselves#and it's better to focus on Symptoms and not arbitrarily put names to them#but they do provide a convenient starting point. so many people are floundering in uncharted waters#also i just like to know things#this is inspired by the recent poll i reblogged and every time I'm on r/adhd and go like. i think... this is more than just adhd...
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
I kind of want to compile 2D rep of Indigenous/Indigenous-coded women and review them all. There are a good amount I know myself, but maybe I could put out a post. Perhaps do up a spreadsheet.
#Thinkin!#including old offensive stuff my stomach is strong enough#maybe with qualifiers that she's a main cast character?#or recurring#idk I'll put out a call if I maintain motivation#it's interesting to me how people view us and how we represent ourselves (when we can)#sqebu not drawing
17 notes
·
View notes
Text
living with other people really fucking sucks sometimes
#bitching in tags you were warned#my roommate pulled me aside on saturday and basically launched into me about how she does all the cleaning in our house which#she doesn't!!!#i do all the dishes everytime i use the kitchen and take out the trash and recycling and put away stuff she and our other roomie leave out#but she started pressuring me to do way more time intensive stuff like cleaning the floors and the shower more and just#i fucking can't#i am out of the house from 9a to 9p most nights and when i am here i'm either wfh or sleeping or crashing#so now im trying to fucking clean at night before i get ready for bed and i can't take it#i feel so judged and like shes resenting me all the time and i keep having like fucking mental breakdowns every night#when i'm trying to fall asleep#and i'm so frustrated bc her standard of clean is like pristine which is way different from me and our other roomie#and we never misrepresented ourselves to her we said we were tidy but had trouble keeping up with bigger clean stuff and she said it was ok#so why are you acting brand new about it one year later!!#i can't cope like my schedule was punishing enough as it is
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
i’m not good with words so i probably won’t describe it right. but the black/white mentality online sometimes of things with any flaws being ‘pure evil/need to be destroyed’ and expecting the alternative to be whatever arbitrary things the person decided are ‘perfectly healthy’... does not do anyone good.
i mean yes, we could go into it being an extension of purity culture, of conservatism mindset etc but like. at an even more basic level, especially because online spaces have a lot of younger people:
its really bad to view YOURSELF that way. and when you’re viewing even things way outside you that way, you might be viewing yourself that way. that relationship in X novel is bad because person 1 didn’t communicate right away, and even if they learn and improve through the novel you’ve already decided they’re “too flawed”, or maybe the person 1 never fully improves since its a novel and ‘awful’ to ‘moderately decent at relationships’ is the arc instead of moderately decent to ‘perfect.’
But my point is, about yourself: no one is perfect. You will NEVER be perfect. Please don’t hold yourself to the expectation you MUST BE PERFECT and anything less makes you pure evil/irredeemable/awful and unworthy of being treated fairly. The best anyone can do in this life, is try their best, notice when they do happen to mess up or someone lets them know they have, and practice trying to do better next time. You can improve yourself for a lifetime, for decades go to therapy and do all the right exercises and work on yourself every time you slip up even a little AND give yourself breaks so you don’t work yourself to death being overly critical of yourself nonstop... and still by your death you won’t be perfect.
When I see people get very intensely angry about fiction being imperfect, about wanting it ‘perfect,’ it makes me worry maybe they can’t take and accept their own imperfections. That they see themselves as pure good or evil too, and either naively think of themselves as “perfect” which leads to ignoring when you do actually harm others or yourself (which will happen sometimes), or think of themselves already as irredeemably bad and never able to fix it (since any imperfection even if working on it is “not good enough” according to such a thought process). And that’s an awful way to live. You need to be able to care for yourself NOW, think you’re worthy of respect and fairness NOW, think others critiques of you can be put to constructive use so you can grow, think of yourself as the sum of all the years of growing and improving you ALREADY DID and how that’s a wonderful amazing thing you’ve accomplished!
This purity culture idea just seems like its very prone to making the people sucked into it self hate because humans just never can be fully perfect, or sucked into never improving and growing and rejecting times they maybe should for their own wellbeing because admitting they have any flaws makes them forever ‘awful.’ That’s not true. You’re not inherently bad, period. You’re not bad for having flaws, you’re normal and human and alive. It’s okay to have flaws, its okay to gradually work on them because humans can only improve so much at a time, its okay to realize 2 decades later that oh you still have this negative thing you do and then maybe work on it then. The reality is we will never be perfect, we will still find our share of some kinds of flaws when we’re very old and about to die, and we need to be able to accept ourselves and appreciate the progress we constantly make and recognize we are valuable and inherently okay as people even when there are still flaws or new flaws come up.
#rant#basically just. if you view yourself with purity culture. u can hurt yourself very badly#and when u start seeing your outside world as black white pure good pure bad? then its a slippery slope to viewing#yourself and other real people that way#in reality? a parent can be very loving and healthy and STILL fuck you up a little and still need to work on it until they're 60#in reality? you could've had divorced or absent parents and that made you play out#subconcious abandonment issues on your crushes in high school and the truth is you WERE a jerk#but you werent 'pure evil' you were simply doing all you knew how to naturally do at the time#and you simply could Not have done better until someone or yourself NOTICED you were acting out your abandonment issues#and even once you work on those issues in therapy or self help? it will be a lifetime of those traits instilled from childhood#rearing their ugly head to some degree. not enough to be a jerk anymore yay#but enough that you still might get irrationally jealous. or irrationally fearful when someone is emotionally close#we don't ever become 100% perfect and we cant expect ourselves or others to be#we are ALL flawed in a myriad of ways and need to be able to accept people have flaws and are still Good and Worth existing#because we ARE flawed people. everyone we know is#when we put some people on a pedestal as perfect we lie to ourselves and hurt ourselves and everyone else
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
today was soooo
#logbook#got up drove to work at hl. stayed for almost 5hrs. then drove to ml and stayed there for 2 1/2 hrs.#was going to work my full 6hr then drive to ml but when the delivery didnt come at abt 5hrs i was like.#if it comes now i aint dealing with this shit for an hr and then leaving thats NO time. so i trusted my gut and left lol.#turned out after all that work c and i and rven p put in its all gotta be moved inside now 😶#so. . .i may stop by tmrw after my shift and help out again.#also the store manager didnt print the right sign for one sale and not enough of a few AND i didnt ask abt printing on labels#i just. let it all go. put out the poinsettia signs. let it goooo. not worth it.#bt can help me with it finding someone to do it tmrw. OR we do it ourselves.#i do hope we got in the houseplants this evening bc then i can work on it tmrw. blah.#also idk who made the cart of $1 poinsettias but some were literally dead so.#i cant wait to eat a lil more food and then pass out. maybe shower then sleep. im so tired.
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
You are so right, OP. I have been going absolutely out of my mind seeing the rampant ableism that has invaded my community. I was quiet at first. A lot of us were. A lot of us didn't rock the boat because a lot of us are disabled and life has taught us that rocking the boat gets you thrown out of it, and this has been our last refuge.
Recently I've started going off in the notes, making polite suggestions in posts. Losing my temper sometimes but never rocking the boat too hard. And when I do speak I see things like "glad someone put this into words." Because we oldbies are used to being shouted down and talked over. We're literally here because we go through it every day irl. Some of us built a bamboo raft and quietly cut the line--and I do not blame those who did, it's fucking pavlovian at this point--and the rest have been biting our tongues when the tongues that need to get bitten aren't ours.
But you're right. Tolerance is not a moral absolute; it is a peace treaty. I'm an historian. I know better than most what comes of peace treaties built on tolerance turning into policies of appeasement. I am done being fair to unfair voices. My responses will be posts and reblogs, my notes simply author's notes.
Thank you, OP, for putting this into words.
#time to get the rot out#i should have come to this conclusion earlier#it's how bjdblr took our community back during the Great Hinge Invasion#we took a stand and said#take your broccoli back to the casserole from whence it came#nothing wrong with casseroles#we've been known to go for a good casserole ourselves#we've spent time among the broccoli#but the thing is#we never brought our watermelon into the casserole#because we understood watermelon goes in fruit salad#not casserole#and we had enough respect for casserolians to not bring in things that don't belong there#it's not right that y'all aren't showing us the same respect#and im done putting up with it#angst is down the hall to your right#take your toxic cardboard tropes and narratives back there#where they're considered normal and acceptable#leave the actual real life people they infantilize alone#whump community#whumpblr#y'all are on notice#effective immediately
142K notes
·
View notes
Text
I don't think I've ever poured so many of my physical attributes and so much of my heart and soul into a character design before in such a personal way before so fuck it whenever I finish the final design for Faeng and whatever I come up with I'm making her into my sona (dragonsona? Persona? Idk how this works lmfao)
(long dump in the tags and under the cut)
The last time I was even remotely connected this much to a character was when I designed Jaxsu, but honestly never truly made her my sona/main character, she was just the one I used most often in art pieces. I never really actually liked her lore and backstory enough because she was what I wanted to be instead of what I am/was. Jax isnt perfect either, but her parents love her and otherwise has friends and is loved unconditionally. She has a healthy relationship with everyone and everything. This is where the disconnect happened and where I actually started to dislike her despite her being my otherwise favorite character for awhile. Both Faeng and Jaxsu have ADHD and Autism but Jaxsu was able to put that towards a job and becoming a ship captain and winning a colosseum tournament. She's done all of these great things so even if she didn't have a healthy relationship with her parents they'd still love her because she's done something impressive and useful.
Faeng on the other hand, has to fight for everything. Her parents are important and have important jobs, and place all of these unreachable and unrealistic expectations on her and expect her to reach them with minimal effort and be perfect, but she can't no matter how hard she tries. She needs someone to explain it and break it down for her in steps so she understands what do to and how to do it so she doesn't mess it up. She's both strong and smart but it's not in practical "normal" ways or subjects. It's convoluted, It's not in the ways everyone wants her to be, she has no teachers to help her understand how to channel that strength and intelligence into something "useful" so she puts it towards the things she likes and wants to do, and thus struggles in a world that would otherwise be easy to navigate and conquer if she were "normal". Those that do understand her and try to help her are alienated by other people in an attempt to either punish both of them or force her to adapt to be somewhat passing as normal, if not then at least listen to what she's told to do. She does eventually make acquaintances but find that her twisted speech and weird explanations aren't worth trying to decipher and understand so they leave, they don't put in the effort to meet her halfway even though she's struggling and doing her best to speak in a way they'll understand.
Her parents acknowledge her differences but in a way that frames it as flawed and wrong, something that needs to be corrected, and push her to figure out her problems by herself, tearing down any support network she tries to build. She tries her damned hardest but it's not enough, it never is and never will be for them because she's not the perfect child they wanted. She showed promise in her younger years being a "gifted child" so she knows what love and acceptance lies in wait and what could be if she could just be normal and perfect. Her achievements and promise come and show in waves. She burns and fizzles out in one of the most virulent, painful ways possible after getting hurt trying to prove her worth yet again. She holds nothing but criticism, vitriol and contempt for herself because she can't claw her way back to where she was before, this time something happened and something is terribly, horribly wrong this time but she doesn't know that it is and can't figure it out, nor will anyone tell her. Whatever it is, left a mental and several physical injuries and it does nothing but deepen her self hatred and her parent's waning belief in her. She listens to false promises and praise of other people who do nothing but wish to manipulate and harm her but she stays because any form of praise is deemed good, she hungers for more and does worsening things.
She ignores the people who tell her that what she's doing is dangerous and will only end in disaster, because she doesn't believe them. If the people who are saying they're her friends are telling her that the people she hurts deserve it and that what she's doing is good, then surely she needs to believe them over strangers, right? Everything comes to a breaking point and shatters around her leaving her with quite literally nothing but her own self hatred, newfound rage and overbearing mental issues she needs to navigate once again to find out what hell it is and what's wrong with her now. She's scared of everyone and everything with the added bonus of now being hyper-aware and perceptive of people's mannerisms and behaviors, especially those who want to manipulate or harm her again. She wraps every vulnerable part of herself in metaphorical thorns and teeth to bite and maim whoever pries and digs into what she truly is, even people who want to understand her. She suffers at more than her own hand, forcing herself to deal with everything alone, until she finally meets someone that could be considered a true friend. She slowly opens up and helps them as much as they help her before everything comes crashing back down once again upon the reveal that they've been lying to her the entire time about very serious issues, and she's been used as nothing more than an attack dog once again. She burns every bridge and everyone around her in one final breakdown of rage before shutting down completely. One of the groups of friends she's shoved stay comes back and asks if she's ok. She doesn't understand why they're being kind, why they're concerned it why they care and tries to shove them away again. Every single day they still ask, talking even if there's no response from her, until she finally relents and breaks.
She's finally loved and accepted despite every fault and every flaw she has, and every time she tries to pull away out of fear of being an inconvenience they pull back twice as hard and remind her that she's able to just exist, she doesn't need to constantly be useful and that they care. She finally, finally is comfortable enough to let herself be accepted and then becomes the most clingy little shit, just as they do with her. But yeah, my own life has been very much of the same, especially the last part. Every time I go on another self-hatred spiral and drop off the face of the earth my MonHun bros give me a metaphorical slap to the face and remind me that I don't need to constantly prove my worth to everyone and prove that I'm useful, and that existing every once in awhile is more than enough. If that doesn't work then it's "you need to get your ass back over here because we're failing the Safi siege without the absolutely ridiculous amount of DPS your build Switchaxe does". I was not intending for her to be so much like me but goddamnit she's wormed her way into being my favorite now and I guess Mirage is no longer my impromptu sona
#I've been working the last 3 hours on her design and like just noticed HOW MUCH of myself i put into her design#especially parts of myself im self conscious of and don't like/didn't like growing up. i usually zone out esp during a character design#but i stopped and i looked at it and my first thought was “that's me. that's me on that canvas.” and for some reason felt so happy with it#ik that's probably a selfish thought to have and im nowhere near done with her design but i looked at it and loved it so deeply.#she's imperfect and ugly and flawed but that's ok because she's still beautiful in her own weird way and her friends still love her#this is the weirdest shit I've ever experienced but i honestly feel like I'm finally accepting a part of myself I've hated and shoved down#for so long because of the absolute gnawing feeling of unacceptance I've always been subjected to as “not fitting in” and something she say#is “who gives a shit what other people think about me. i have friends who love and care about me just as much as i do for them.#you dont need to be liked by everyone to be worth something. sometimes just existing is enough for the people who do love you“#the parallels of both my life and her lore are so similar they hurt on a visceral level i cant describe and it was completely unintentional#we both trust too easily whether it's out of naivety or stupidity and not learning from past mistakes and have been hurt so deeply#so many times beyond our own comprehension by the betrayal of other people to the point of shutting down every attempt at friendship#despite knowing just how much being alone aches and burns and put both physical and mental health on the line to get the approval of others#but never letting anyone get close enough to be friends out of fear of being hurt again#and having every vulnerable part of ourselves wrapped in metaphorical knives and glass to hurt anyone attempting to get to know us#but simultaneously and unknowingly hurting ourselves too with that choice. we're both aware of what we're doing but also unable to stop it#out of fear and lack of people willing to understand our pain and frustration and anger over things and it's so so frustrating#we both lash out when angry or hurt and push people that we love and love us back away out of fear that if any “ugly” is exposed to them#they'll leave because we lose our one redeemable quality of “being convenient” in a group#but simultaneously don't them trust fully out of fear. we know we're loved and love back but never fully in case its all a lie.#we both want nothing more than someone to understand and listen to what happened to us and actually stay and be friends rather than leave#like truly actually want to be friends and not just stay out of pity or sorrow over what happened#i think this is just something that comes with the autism tbh#i am she and she is me#rambling#dragon character#character writing#character building#dragon oc
1 note
·
View note