#if this is ass don't even tell me

[millyphobic]

ᯓ★ PRETTY LADY

⌗ a shitty friday night date, cold weather, and a late night bus ride back home. just when you think you’ve fucked up the start to your weekend, a real good-looking lady comes sitting next to you. but one problem, how the actual fuck are you getting her attention??

Di!Jill Valentine x fem!reader

꩜ .ᐟ cw :: implied age gap, smoking, awkward reader (this is basically a self-insert), a lot of internal dialogue (this is this is basically a self-insert), reader doesn't actually know who tf Jill is until the end help, rabbit wand mentioned (๑°o°๑)

꩜ .ᐟ notes :: I actually have no idea where this idea spawned from. probably from a dream or some embarrassing experience I had back in high school (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)

ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 wc :: 1.5k

You don’t hate the entire world. Just half of it. The male half. 

Nothing like another shitty date to ruin your Friday night. The fact you spent a whole hour listening to a frat guy talk about his shitty “achievements” was painfully depressing. Honestly, why do you even try? It’s already hard living in an area where girls don’t seem to be kissing other girls. But now every guy you think is semi-decent turns out to be a total dickwad. 

Is this a sign from above to stay single? Because it’s not funny. 

You trudged out of the dinner, miserable and with twenty dollars less in your pocket. Stupid bastard couldn’t even pay for your meal and looked at you like you were crazy when you tried to order a burger at a fucking diner. Well, he could suck your dick because it’s not your fault he was probably too broke to get anything more than potato wedges.  

The winter air nipped at your skin as you pulled your coat more tightly over your body, making your way to the nearest bus stop and plopping yourself on a bench. Hopefully, it wasn’t too late to catch a ride home. You just wanted to crawl into bed and never have to think about this night again. Or even better, crawl into bed and finally have a partner to cuddle with. 

Time passed by and you blanked out for a moment, staring at your Mary Janes and softly humming to yourself. It’s not until you hear another person come up and sit next to you do you finally tear your eyes away from the ground. And you do what literally anyone else would do, take a look at who was sitting next to you. 

Holy shit.

Now, you’ve seen beautiful women all your life. To you, every girl out there was beautiful. But damn, in the most respectful way possible, that was one pretty lady. You didn’t really know what to think at the moment. Couldn’t exactly pinpoint what was so attractive about her. Everything seemed to be the appropriate answer. From the grey streaks in her hair to her brown bomber jacket fitted snuggly over her body. But something about the way she held an unlit cigarette between her lips made you feel especially warm from under the collar of your shirt. 

It was like she walked out of one of those badass fighting games where men hate her and women love her. Or even better: where men hate her and women want to kiss you. You’d like to kiss her. Wrinkles and grey hairs and all. If she’s not graying then she’s not staying you’d often joke. But this you might actually be deadass.

“Uhm, Miss?” What the hell am I doing?

The woman’s eyes snapped towards you and you could practically do a back flip into traffic. Whether out of embarrassment or excitement, you didn’t know. She’s got real pretty eyes, pale blue eyes, and not the usual scary soul-piercing blue eyes. 

You gingerly pointed to the cigarette between her lips and before you could think about the fact you’re probably about to embarrass yourself, you asked your next question. 

“Can I have one?” 

What the actual fuck am I doing, I’ve never smoked a day in my life.

And clearly, the lady thought so too, cocking an eyebrow at your nervous face. Silence. Awkward silence. And then she scoffed, digging her hand into her coat pocket. “You sure you want one, baby?” 

Okay, that has to be a murder attempt.

The heat on your face was unbearable as you nod like a puppy, feeling so stupid and embarrassed and turned on all at the same time. Thank god for the darkness of the night, your faces poorly illuminated by flickering street lamps.

A pack of Marlboros and a violet lighter are in her hand, those pretty and slender hands that any girl would fawn over. She flicked the pack open and pulled a cigarette out for you, holding it up to your lips. 

Wait a minute…am I being flirted with?

You’ve never been the sharpest tool in the shed. Most of the time when it came to other people, it was like your light bulb was on but no one was home. So you took the cigarette between your teeth, awkwardly staring at her so she’d get the idea to light it for you. Because, duh, you don’t have a lighter. 

Fake smoker. And for what? Five seconds of getting to make eye contact with a milf? Embarassing. 

The woman lit her own cigarette and raised it to her lips, taking a long drag as the end began to glow. You heard as she breathed in deeply and later saw as she exhaled smoke into the air. And then she tucked her lighter and Marlboros back in her pocket, leaving you like an idiot just sitting there as you stared at her.

Okay, great, let’s just ignore me now and while you’re at it why don’t you curb-stomp me? Does God just not want me to get laid or something because what is-

“Hold still, pretty girl.”

“Huh?”

Another chuckle from the lady is all you heard before she reached out to grab your chin. Her fingers so gently cradled your jaw, holding you in place as she leaned in close. *Oh my god.* All she does is stare at you for a moment and you drink in the way her lips quirked into a little smirk and how that playful glint in her eyes seemed to shine.

Holy shit, I am being flirted with.

With a gentle touch, the woman brought the lit end of her cigarette to yours, the ends kissing as your cigarette sparked to life. Your eyes locked onto hers, faces inches apart as you shared a moment of surprising intimacy. You could smell fresh laundry on her and even hints of cedar wood, easily becoming one of the sexiest scents in the world. 

And once there’s a steady glow from your cigarette she pulled away and you had to consciously stop yourself from following her. It’s been maybe about thirty seconds but you already missed her scent and closeness. 

Oh my god, get off the ground!

Enough about your pathetic self. You had a bigger problem now. Smoking. You couldn’t just have this burning thing between your lips. Not when Pretty Woman was still looking at you. So you did the only thing that makes sense at the moment; take a drag. 

So…you were right. As you took a deep breath in, you didn’t look all cool or suave or whatever. No. Of course not! You started coughing uncontrollably, eyes watering from the harsh smoke as you let out a wheeze. I need to kill myself now. Like right now.

But maybe some divine intervention took place in the next few moments. Maybe your guardian angel looked at you and thought wow, this girl can’t be bitchless forever and took pity on you. Once more you felt a calloused yet tender hand cup your face, the woman’s other hand pulling the cigarette out of your mouth. “You’re funny,” she mused, letting the stick drop to the floor and snuffing it out from under her boot. “Do you always risk your lungs for women your mom’s age?”

Okay, damn, no need to come for my throat like that. “No, not really. But usually, I’m doing something embarrassing anyways so this doesn’t really matter.” Wow, way to sound like a fucking loser.

And she laughed. Her nose scrunched up as she chuckled and you didn’t care if she was making fun of you or thought you were a grade-A freak, you don’t think you’ve ever been so wet before. It’s so dumb because you don’t even know her name and she’s literally just a lady but she’s so much more than that because she looked so…hot.

“You just get cuter and cuter. Hold up.” You watched dumbly as she pulled her hand away, fishing out the Marlboros pack and a pen. Of course, she has a pen, she might as well pull out a rabbit wand next. Something gets scribbled on the front and she tossed it to you, nearly dropping it on the floor as you fumbled to grab it. 

She laughed again, almost akin to a giggle. She stood up, patted you on the head, and walked off like at the end of an epic action film while dramatic 80s music plays in the background.

What the fuck just happened?

To think this all happened because of a date. You finally took a look at the cigarette pack in your hand and, no fucking way, you nearly started jumping for joy. 

There were three things written on the pack. A name, a number, and a little message. Jill Valentine. You finally had a name for your Pretty Lady. At the very bottom, it read, “Glad I spotted you before I walked into that diner. Same time, same place next Friday? :)” 

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Laios's three Boy Best Friends. And yes, they hate him.

[dustykneed]

so jim got bit by a space mushroom that takes away his impulse control... welcome to daycare on the bridge with his xo and cmo

obviously the salad cat meme is still going strong in the 23rd century because these guys reenact it on a daily basis lmaoo

prompt fill for @mcspirkevents' mcspirk bingo prompt "mask off" 🩵💙💛

[dollopheadsandclotpoles]

A normal day in the life of Court Physician, Gaius: Part two (x)

[blackpensils]

So was anyone gonna tell me that these are basically the same characters, just different fonts? Or was I just supposed to find that out on my own?

Literally went through the messiest divorce that involved crippling their partner only to turn around and make it everyone else's problem.

[crossbackpoke-check]

blessed be (lorscher bienensegen) | telling the bees (wiþ ymbe)

"Bees" [remixed, abridged], Claudia Emerson // "Letter to Someone Living Fifty Years from Now" [remixed. abridged], Matthew Olzmann // "Letter to my Great, Great Grandchild" [remixed, abridged], J.P. Grasser | Len Redkole, Nina Weiss, Brian Babineau, Christian Peterson, Mitchell Leff, Dave Isaac, Megan DeRuchie

[ladyinthebluebox]

wE wAnT cOmPaNiOnS tO bE mEaN aGaIn!!!!!!!!!!

my siblings in the maker, you can't handle Taash calling Emmrich a death mage couple times or [checks notes] ...asking Neve about her clothes [?????????????]

[chaos0pikachu]

where's my crackfic where sanji and zoro are constantly bickering and fighting over luffy until nami finally snaps and is like "you can both fuck him, he's rubber"

[schneiderenjoyer]

The reason the whole age discourse is confusing is that bluepoch keeps pulling shit like THIS.

[silusvesuius]

from the back i bash all nite i lastttt t

[svtskneecaps]

lukewarm take of the evening: y'all care too much about being ""outdated"". fellas this smp moves inhumanly fast. it is ok to CHILL holy shit CHILL. y'all are like "(posts BANGER ART) super late guys sorry" friend i am hitting you with a blanket i am snapping you with my metaphorical towel WHAT DO YOU MEAN SORRY. "(posts BANGER FIC) rip this is outdated now" WHO CARES???? I LOVE YOU, OK. ohhhh woe is us as the fandom at large for having MORE HAPPY PILLS ARC CONTENT oh no how outdated!! how could you be writing speculative fiction about how forever felt during happy pills :( slash SARCASM!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN!!!! THERE ARE SO MANY BANGER ARCS, WHAT, YOU THINK WE'RE COMPLAINING????? FOR GETTING MORE OF THE CONTENT WE LOVED????? oh no we're past the period where everyone thought green gay ninjas were like Dead Dead, my work is now outdated and noncanon :( WDYM. GIMME. A BANGER IS A BANGER IDC IF IT TAKES THREE MONTHS. you think rome was built in a day?? fuck you, baltimore, GIMME. my ass has been cooking a goddamn backflipo family fic since july when it was ALREADY outdated do you think i fear god??? "oh no, you're making an edit of slime's (attempted) egg murdering spree?? how could you, that was months ago it's irrelevant" SAID NO ONE EVER.

save your wrists kidlings ok carpal tunnel is no joke. CHILL!!!!! CHILL!!!!!!!! TAKE YOUR TIME SHEEEEEESH OK LOVE YOU <3

[pastelaspirations]

As a last hurrah before the year is done, have my take on lesbian Errorink ✧˖°.

I saw an interesting question once. One that posed the controversial thought that "if your yaoi ship got turned into yuri, would you even still ship it anymore??" It was an interesting question, although perhaps a leading question, that gave the idea that many people may cease to ship a pairing if they turned from boys to girls.

I only had one thought to that question.

It's cute that you think that would have any chance of deterring me. No, w a t c h. My undying love for my otp is only strengthened.

Case in point; if yaoi errorink has consumed my entire mind and soul, then it would make perfect sense that yuri errorink would do so as well. Don't you see. It's literally the exact same ship, with all the same dynamics and interactions, but they're ✧˖°.girls now✧˖°.

SO. BIG SHOUTOUT TO JUNIEMUNIE FOR THEIR REFS WHICH STRONGLY INSPIRED MINE. I want to draw their versions one day. And I will, I will, just let me cook, man, I promise I will-

Of course, obligatory "p l e a s e open drawings in another tab to see them better 'cus they look like dog water on here."

WARNING; RAMBLING AHEAD THAT I WILL T R Y TO MAKE SHORT I thought it would be so funny, man, hilarious, if Error was like. This scrunkly girlboss badass who could, and would, absolutely destroy you. B u t she is sort of dressed like a high end hobo?? Like- SHE GOT THE BUNNY SLIPPERS ON AND LOOKS LIKE SHE LOW KEY JUST ROLLED OUT OF BED, but she gonna make damn sure her makeup is on f l e e k before she walks out that door ✧˖°.

BUT, THEN, COMPARE THAT. COMPARE THAT WITH. Just comedy gold, I tell you. This badass, skrunkly girlboss Destroyer of Worlds and her love interest, the only one who holds the key to her heart... is just Ink. A teeny lil cutie patootie who runs around completely barefoot in Care Bear lookin' overalls, with a paintbrush taller than she is and a giant burrito scarf. Just-

Yep. That's the Destroyer of Worlds's gf, right there. (I can see the crap posts now. Error being an absolutely horrifying entity to be reckoned with, but immediately switches to a sing-songy, happy voice as soon as Ink pops into the room.)

Fun fact; I'm sick as a dog as of this post. I finished these drawings not being able to breathe or swallow. :D Well, f i n e, I wasn't as bad when I finished Error's first, but then I got worse with Ink's. Like. I was staring at the screen, half-dead and unable to focus, when I was finishing her up, but she doesn't look half that bad, huh. Not too shabby for someone who can barely concentrate and had to proofread this post four times before giving up and hoping it is at least somewhat coherent in my fever induced fog state.

[tchutomu]

reading a book named "the sunshine court" shouldn't have made me cry so hard and loud and ugly that I couldn't even read the screen of my stupid e-reader anymore yet here we are

[epickiya722]

Folks not beating the thirsty allegations over that volume 29 Sukuna cover, I see.

[nemesis-is-my-middle-name]

i know ive made jokes about it before but being serious for a second. daniel's willingness to accept arthur's objectively batshit confession also just. gets me right in the fucking heart, man. because, like.

yeah. of course he does.

seven is a Big Number, but daniel's never met any of those other people. they don't actually mean anything to him, they obviously weigh on arthur but they're stories he doesn't know and doesn't really care to. they're just, accounting. they're a bunch of guttering candles in the face of the fucking solar flare that is The Reason daniel has to hate arthur. what the fuck does he care about a bunch of people he's never met, that died some reactionary death in self-defense or however arthur wants to justify it? when from daniel's pov arthur's already stolen two of the most important people in his world away from him. everything left of his family, his blood, for no defensible reason. out of nothing but self-absorbed youthful stupidity.

and he's already decided that isn't enough to drive them apart permanently.

so sure, fuck it, seven people. you probably had your reasons. i've already decided to move past worse. add them to the fucking list, or whatever.

because, y'know. he can't lose another person.

[teddybeartoji]

films just aren't as beautiful anymore there is hardly any emotion behind anything they lack depth and they lack love