#if this gets fixed the only thing stopping me will be my executive dysfunction

[azems-familiar]

the date for my carpal tunnel surgery is scheduled for the 23rd. yall i'm gonna be so fucking powerful when i'm not in pain all the time anymore are you kidding me. been dealing with this since 2017 so i like... don't even remember what it feels like to Not hurt to type.

like oh my god. that fic i just posted? if i wasn't in nasty burning pain atm like.... i could've written it in half the time i swear. i will be unstoppable. i'll even be able to game again for long periods of time! i'm so excited for this actually wtf

[manuinout]

I'm currently having executive dysfunction to make videos, so here's a little concept for my next part of Empathy's fic on Inside Out 2! Of course, this is still a concept which contains my own assumptions of the incidents of the movie, so it will change depending on how the sequel will work. Hope you like it either way!

(If you don't wanna get spoiled for the next part of Empathy, don't click read more!)

Friendly Ghost (Empathy IO 2 concept)

"How am I gonna find my friends like this? This place is huge!"

Empathy walks through Long Term Memory, scanning each corner looking for signs for the other emotions. After the six escaped from the giant glass jar to which Anxiety bottled them up, all of them have been split up, which was a huge inconvenience. If they need to go back to Headquarters to fix all the mess Anxiety is causing, they need to go together.

However, the more Empathy tracks through Long Term Memory, the more they get frustrated. It felt like they were only walking in circles aimlessly!

"You know, it would help a lot to have someone in the area that knows the way to help me walk through this maze," the emotion yelled out sarcastically, pouring their irritation towards the mind workers into their speech. "But noooo! When it comes to people actually needing assistance, the only people working here don't even give a f..!"

Before they could even swear, they stop to take a deep breath to prevent themselves to explode.

"Calm down, Empathy. Don't freak out. You will find your friends, fix everything, and it'll all be okay," they spoke to themselves, sitting down on the ground and resting their back on the shelf of memories to regain their stamina.

"But... I'm lost. I really can't do this alone."

Empathy covers their face with their hands, letting out a frustrated sigh as they run their fingers through their curly hair. At this point, they were wondering if they should just give up and sit there until one of their friends find them. However, that would be a waste of their time, despite being the only option they see instead of losing themselves even more in this gigantic maze...

Suddenly, before they could get lost in their thoughts as well, they heard something plopping onto the ground beside them. Upon turning their head at the source of the sound, they see a purple drawstring bag, multiple little drawings of different candies stamped all over. Has this always been here? This bag looked... ancient. And oddly familiar.

As much as they felt curious to why this bag was here, the emotion didn't see any importance in it. They can't just open other people's bags like that, as strangely this one even showed up by their side.

However, as if it read their mind, the bag bounced slightly closer to them, causing them to lean back as their eyes widen with a mix of surprise and confusion.

... Okay? They must be seeing things at this point. There's absolutely no way this bag inched closer to them like that. Unless there was something inside, waiting to be freed... Did they hit their head, or have been alone for so long that they're starting to go insane?

Before they could even process what they're witnessing, the bag hopped onto them, resting its weight onto their lap...

Empathy wasn't hallucinating. This is definitely real, otherwise they wouldn't be able to feel the worn out fabric and the strings tickling their skin. However, they can't help but question what was going on as the mysterious bag bounced from time to time, as if begging to be opened.

With a raised eyebrow, they see no other choice other than finally opening it. They hesitate, still skeptical about what could possibly be wanting to come out. But slowly and surely, they pry it open. And what came out caught them off guard.

There were pink sparkles at first, but soon enough a top hat pops out, the figure trying to squeeze themselves out of this small bag, but almost ending up stuck. After the individual struggles for a second, Empathy instinctively widens the bag's exit to help it come out. And like that, the unknown being flies out of the bag, bouncing on the walls like a ball.

Eventually, the... pink elephant... managed to keep himself still, resting his hand on his head as he recovers from his dizziness.

"Woah! Getting out was sure harder than getting in. Gotta keep that in mind," He soon shifts his attention to the silver and golden emotion, who was wide eyed. He waves at them with a wide smile.

"Hiya there!"

With a yelp, Empathy quickly tried to stand up and rush to a certain distance away from the creature, however they ended up stumbling and falling back to the ground due to standing up too fast in their panic, to which they started crawling backwards.

"Hey, easy, easy! I won't hurt you!" He reassured while waving both his hands, trying to calm the emotion down, "I'm a friend!"

As Empathy now had a clear look at the individual, his physical form was... complex. He seemed to be made of cotton candy, but shape wise, he was part cat and part elephant... And maybe something else that they couldn't put a finger on just yet. Somehow, he looked familiar. However, one thing that stuck out to them the most was...

"You're a ghost?!"

"Oh, you noticed that part, didn't ya?" He chortled, looking down to himself before continuing, "Well, yeah! I am a ghost indeed! I don't know how... But I'm here."

What he said made sense, since they don't remember the bottom of his body, to which they assume were his legs, being transparent and replaced with little stars that float around from time to time the more the elephant moves in the air. But how? Who is he? Why is he here? And how did he fit in a bag where he usually couldn't?!

"By the look on your face, I think you have a lot of questions to ask."

"Of course I do!" The emotion frantically responded, getting up from the floor while fixing themselves. "Sorry, it's just that when you see something as unbelievable and confusing as this, you're sure gonna doubt yourself. I thought I was going insane!"

"Well, let me tell you this is 100% real! I can only say this because I could pinch you right now but, you know..."

The elephant floats closer to Empathy, moving his hand towards them in an attempt to hold their shoulder. However, despite it landing its weight on it successfully, his hand soon fazed right through, giving them a chill down their spine, and that proves his point enough.

"Ghost hands."

"Okay... so first of all, how did you even fit in this?" They pick up the drawstring bag from the floor, showing it to the ghost, "It's barely even your size!"

He laughs, carefully taking the bag from their hands to answer their question.

"Oh! You see, this bag is imaginary. It can fit anything you want and more!"

"Anything..?"

"Yep! Check this out!"

To prove his point once again, the ghost flipped the bag upside down, and upon opening it, various memories start pouring out like a waterfall. The quantity was so big for a bag this small. Still wondering if they were hallucinating, Empathy approached the pile, kneeling down to lay their hand on one of the memories. And once again, they are convinced that this is real.

"Any more questions? I'll happily answer them if I know it!"

The emotion, standing back up, ponders about what question they wanted to make next, as to understand the situation better. And that's what they were going to question now: the situation.

"Why are you here?"

"Well, I saw that you were pretty troubled while going around here trying to find your friends, and I thought 'Hey, why not help them'? A lot of the mind workers are junk with this kinda stuff, and I know almost every nook and cranny around here, so here I am! Bing Bong at your service!" He cheerfully bows down with a twirl of his hand, using his trunk to raise his top hat and soon raising his body back up, floating forward while waving at them as a request, "Follow me!"

While they walked, Empathy couldn't help but laugh at how goofy this ghost was. It was like he was some sort of cartoon character. However, upon introducing himself, his name rang in their head. They have heard this name before...

"Bing Bong..?" They echo his name for a few seconds, trying to remember where they heard it. Until...

"Wait... You're Riley's imaginary friend, aren't you?"

Bing Bong's eyes widened as soon as they mention his former role.

"You know me? Even though I've been forgotten for... who knows how long?"

"Yeah! A friend of mine back in Headquarters talked a lot about you when Riley was younger! She was a huge fan of yours."

"Oh, you're from Headquarters too?" He asked, to which the emotion nods affirmatively, "Wow, that's amazing! I think I may know who that friend of yours is too, and we'll definitely get you to find her and all the others! Oh, how rude of me... what's your name, lil' buddy?"

"I'm Empathy!"

[not-poignant]

Question! You juggle so many projects at once, and I think that's awesome. Do you have any advice for how you stay motivated (and/or organized) to work on so many different things? If I'm inspired by something, I want to focus on That Thing and Only That Thing — I have a really hard time pulling my brain away to work on other projects.

I'm wondering if a schedule would help? How do you even set your schedule?

This is a lot of questions packed into one ask, I realize — I guess I'm just in awe of your NaNoWriMo progress (you are insane (affectionate)) and want to pick your brain about your process a little.

Hope you have a lovely day!

Honestly anon, we all have our ways of writing, and it's best if you stick to what actually works for you instead of forcing yourself to do something different.

I'd recommend looking into some of the coaching / videos / podcasts by Becca Syme. A lot of it is simply based around accepting who you are, instead of forcing yourself to write like other people. Part of that is finding your strengths, but some of it is simply...being like 'okay, I'm like this as a writer.'

I don't write lots of projects because I taught myself to, but because I love doing it. I write more when I work on more projects. If I forced myself to only focus on one thing I'd feel stifled and held back, I'd write slower, and I actually think my writing would be muddier and less good.

Other people do best and write fastest when they're focusing on only one project at a time.

And which kind of person you are anon is something you'll figure out over time. Though it sounds like you might already know.

If you wanted to try working on multiple projects, I'd look at adding just one more into the rotation and seeing how it feels. Does it make you write more? Does it make you want to write more? Is it pulling focus? Is it making you lose inspiration on the other story? It's not so much a scheduling issue as it is simply...which one gets the words out?

The goal isn't to become like me as a writer, just like my goal isn't to become like other writers. The goal is to get your words out in the way that works best for you. If that's slowly, that's amazing. If that's fast, that's great, and while there are techniques you can try, it should always be with a view to respecting your organic process.

Many writers quit, or burnout, as soon as they stop respecting that process, or when they start feeling ashamed of their natural process and put pressure on themselves to do it another way.

Also I'll be honest, I'm working on too many projects right now and even though I'm loving it, I know it's too many. Like, I've deprioritised Underline the Red for my own sanity, and I am actually really looking forward to clearing a couple of stories from the schedule so I can focus on other things. About 3-4 stories is my sweet spot.

I don't exactly 'stay organised' anon. I actively want to work on all of these stories. And tonally they're all different, so if I feel like something more wholesome, or something darker, or something more pornographic, I have options. I do have a monthly kind of idea of what I should be working on (i.e. based on the upcoming schedule), but I can only really do that thanks to ADHD meds and I'm cautious of recommending techniques that I personally can only access and make use of because medication has fixed some of my executive dysfunction issues. If you're playing with any kind of unmedicated ADHD, there are tools that won't be as useful without tangible medical or therapeutic support. D:

I set my writing schedule via a mix of the writing that makes me money, alongside extra writing that I enjoy that doesn't make me money. Ideally I enjoy all of it and it's all fun. But the stuff that makes me money has to come first, because of like...life reasons. Idk where you're at professionally, or even if you want to do this professionally, and that would profoundly influence how I'd even suggest scheduling. If you don't have to schedule your writing, don't do it! If you don't have to make decisions like this, then don't make them!

Also, if I hated any of these stories, I'd put the story on hiatus. I don't believe in writing stuff I hate or resent writing. I know other people can make themselves do this and I'm glad that works for them, but I can't do it and I just...yeah. I have to love the story and enjoy it and not resent it to see it through, it's probably why there's so much drama happening all the time, and angst, I'm keeping my dumb hurt/comfort brain engaged lmao.

Never underestimate the power of also just 'I've been doing this for 10 years and I'm very practiced at stuff that other people will only learn with years of practice.' Some of this stuff doesn't have shortcuts, it just had a lot of time and 5 million words sunk into it. When I first started writing on AO3 I wrote one story at a time (though I did quickly become bored of that and moved to two). I wasn't making money. I didn't have a schedule for 9 years. I didn't want one.

The things I've learned... my wordcounts are reliable because I've just had a lot of practice writing. Unfortunately there's no trick to that, beyond sitting down and writing. The more you do, the more you learn about your own process and respect it, the more you write the stories you love, the better you'll get. And I've had times where I've burnt out, times where I've needed long breaks, times where I pushed too hard or forced myself to be like other writers and ended up wondering if I'd quit.

I want to give you easy answers, but the easiest one I have is - which way of writing brings you the most joy? Which way makes the words flow? Is it just one story at a time? That's great - that's your way. That might change in time, but don't force it to. You can experiment like a scientist and try different things, but be compassionate and accepting of whatever your innate way of doing things is.

I struggled so much with the fact that serials is just my way in a world of novelists. I cannot tell you how much misery it has brought me, trying to force myself to be a dedicated novelist when I always just wanted to write sequential stories live. And I really thought I was doing things wrong and you know, other authors thought I was doing things wrong.

It turned out I wasn't, but self-acceptance of my own methods and style went a long way in that process.

You might not like this response anon, and I apologise for not actually just lining up a schedule for you to try (I don't listen to my own schedules), but...it's okay to be someone who works on one story at a time. Or two stories only. I actually think it's awesome, and my writer-friend in my writer's group whose work I've been helping beta for years is a 'single project at a time' writer and a *rewriter* (no one wishes they could change their process as much as rewriters imho) and her writing is amazing. Like, incredibly good. (That's Stephanie Gunn by the way, for anyone who wants to read some cool science fiction / gothic fantasy).

So that's her process, and it's an amazing one, because it creates the writing that it does. Whatever your natural process is, anon, it's okay to write that way, trust me.

[structuredsucc]

Dentists need training to work with ADHD and/or autistic patients, especially around sensory issues. I've never had a dental appointment where the dentist or hygienist didn't assume that I was too stupid to know how to take care of my teeth or too lazy to care.

Listen, I know that I should be brushing my teeth twice a day. I know that I should be flossing. I know that I shouldn't rinse my mouth after brushing. The reason I don't do it the "right" way is not because I don't know better or that I'm too lazy. It's sensory issues (and a bit of executive dysfunction)!

For me, the taste of the toothpaste just hanging out in my mouth, the dryness is causes, hell, just the feeling of the brush on my gums. At best it's unpleasant. Often it's physically painful.

I would argue that other people with sensory issues also know what they should be doing when it comes to taking care of their teeth. It isn't a knowledge gap on our end, and treating us like we just don't know any better does nothing to help the issue.

I've never had a dentist or hygienist try to understand why this is such a barrier. They've never worked with me to find new ways that get me a little closer to 'good' oral hygiene. They've never educated about how to brush or floss, especially if you can't the way I'm supposed to. They've only ever told me the rules that I already know:

That I shouldn't drink as much pop as I do.

That I should brush twice without rinsing.

That I should floss.

That I should come in every 6 months.

They've never stopped to consider that I physically can't do that.

Today, I had to stop the hygienist in the middle of the cleaning because I just couldn't take the squealing of the water pick. Even before stopping them, I was gripping the arm of the chair so hard my hands lost all color. The hygienist was shocked that it was so painful. In meeting with the dentist, I mentioned that the sound of the drill is INCREDIBLY painful to me. She suggested music.

It was immediately clear that we were talking about different things.

Best I can tell, she seems to think that it's just an annoyance. Like I'm hearing a fly buzzing around the room and it's frustrating me. That is not my experience. My experience with the drill is intense, unavoidable, piercing pain. Music doesn't distract from that.

In my view, dentists are the experts when it comes to oral health, but that expertise is useless if you can't communicate it to a patient to meet their needs. When I bring up my sensory issues and the dentist has less than nothing to offer, that expertise is useless.

Dentists not being trained to work with sensory issues throws the burden of fixing the problem back on us, often with a GIANT helping of guilt. That makes us less likely to attend to our oral health not more.

This is exactly why it's been 7 years since I've been to the dentist, and honestly, it might well be 7 more at this rate

[thr4shit]

Venting under cut because I feel bad at the moment.

(Understatement of the fucking century right there, bitch.)

I'm tired.

I'm lonely.

I feel like shit.

I want to talk to people.

But at the same time don't want to deal with conversations.

Being in a state of contradictory existence fucking sucks.

My mental health has been absolute bullshit for the past like... almost two full weeks.

(I've had like 7 or so breakdowns/episodes in the course of 8 days, with some days having MULTIPLE. I got VIOLENT in some of them. I BRUISED MYSELF because I started slamming my fist into my forearm because I felt like I was bullshit and deserved to feel pain. It barely fucking hurt, and I was hitting full force... I was LAUGHING, CRYING, SMILING, and SCREAMING all at once as I did that. I was ecstatic, and sad, and happy and enraged all at fucking once on rapid fucking shuffle with no breaks or warnings. In another case I had in depth plans to TRACK DOWN AND HURT people who were annoying me. They've been so much worse than they've ever been and it's just EPISODE after EPISODE and I don't get a fucking break and I'm so fucking tired afterwards. I hate it. I fucking hate it. I feel disgusting. I feel like I'm becoming a monster and I don't know how to stop it. I NORMALLY ONLY HAVE AT MOST 5 OR SO MAJOR EPISODES LIKE THIS A YEAR. AND INSTEAD NOW I'M JUST HAVING THEM OVER AND OVER AND OVER, AND OVER TINY BULLSHIT THAT I SHOULDN'T BE??? Like- YEAH, sometimes I'd get into one WITHOUT provocation, but those are RARER. They shouldn't be happening SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK???)

No one in my irl life seems to give a shit about trying to help me feel better.

(No one is an exaggeration, but VERY, VERY FEW)

Instead they do shit that makes me feel worse.

But I can't fucking say that because they're "good people" most of the fucking time.

They're just not helpful right now.

And it's not like I could be 100% open to them either!

I'd fucking scare them off!

I'd be alone ALL OVER AGAIN for the SAME REASON AS LAST TIME.

THE SIMPLE REASON OF "my mental health got bad again and I SCARE them now"

I CAN'T FUCKING EXPLAIN HOW MANY TIMES I'VE LOST EVERYONE BECAUSE OF THAT!

IT'S BULLSHIT.

But I also don't blame them??? I'd be scared of me too at times.

Jesus christ, I mean I fucking am. I'm always scared that I'm gonna go too far one time.

I can't handle people.

I can't handle friendships.

Maybe at this point I shouldn't have them.

I don't know how to properly reach out to professionals.

I don't want to because I don't want things to be more "wrong" with me than they already fucking are.

I don't want to reach out because then I'll be alone again.

But if I don't reach out I could end up alone again.

No matter what there's no good outcome.

This place is my only escape from it but now it's falling silent too.

I'm being drowned in silence again.

I'm getting to that point again where not even my fixes can give me joy and I don't see the point in TRYING to enjoy anything.

But, y'know. I'm not fucking depressed so I should be fine, right???

That whole "this too shall pass" bullshit???

Fun fact, it NEVER passes for me.

It's just always waiting to COME BACK.

I'm a fucking monster. And they're right.

They're all fucking right.

And I fucking hate it.

Nothing I have been diagnosed with explains this.

People always blame it on my executive dysfunction.

Even I did.

But at this point I'm not fucking sure.

At this point I'm starting to think I'm just a bad person.

At this point I'm willing to believe I'm the monster they think I am.

But oh fucking well. I have a new blog theme. So... yay...!

[solarishashernoseinabook]

Hello! Me again, hiiiii.

Another autism related question (do tell if I need to stop, I know it's not your 'job' to be a guidance person)

Any tips on trying to study with high stress and executive dysfunction? Got an exam next week, and a plethora of other deadlines making my executive dysfunction have a party, and my focus all over the place and really brittle.

I thought I saw a post of you earlier saying you had great impulse control/spiral control, so maybe you have something related?

Kisses<3

Ahaha, this is a good question, for you see in this case I have something better than autism! I have a psychology minor!

(bubblebee: something better than autism? impossible. you liar solaris.)

The most effective study aid, I found, was to make cue cards. Yknow, these things:

On the front, write something general - when I was doing this in college for my library degree, I would've put, say, "Dewey Decimal classifications". Then, on the back, write out SIMPLY the bare bones detail. In my case, it would've looked like this:

FRONT OF CARD: Dewey Decimal Classifications

BACK OF CARD:

000 General Information

100 Philosophy & Psychology

200 Religion & Spirituality

Etc, etc

Do not overload the back if the card with information. You want, at most, about three sentences there. The point is to have a bite-sized bundle of information. When you're done making the cards, have someone study with you from them, or use them yourself. You, or the person you're studying with, holds up the front of the card, and you're to provide the information on the back.

Next, set a schedule that works for you for studying. Do not force yourself to study 24/7. Your body and mind need breaks, so take regular breaks. Also, from experience, my 'tism hates the idea of "okay, we're sitting down and studying now", so try fitting it in around chores you're doing. You need to study, but you suddenly had the urge to clean the kitchen counters? Have someone read you the front if the cards, and recite the info on the back while you scrub them down. Need to cook? Have someone quiz you on the cards as you chop veggies or stir the pot. Watching a TV show? Study your cue cards every commercial break. No TV, chores, etc? Set a five minute timer, do as many cue cards as you can in that five minutes, and take a break. Be sure to take a break that's discreet and fixed. Time your break. Play a mobile game with distinct levels and only play one level in between five minute study sessions. Don't say "in between study sessions, I'll watch a youtube video / clean the counters / read a book" because those take variable amounts of time and you won't fit in another five minute study session.

Overall, remember to be gentle with yourself, build in plenty of breaks, and get a good night's sleep before every exam - the brain encodes information in memory while you sleep, so you're helping yourself more than you realise by taking breaks like that ❤

[notenderlaith]

A rant on ableism

Does anyone else have the problem of "You have everything!" when you use a medical term to describe a state of being or behavior. Like yes, I have heterochromia. But its not a diagnosis, or a disease, or anything of the sort. It just means that I have multiple different colors in my eyes. that's it. just like you likely have monochromia. Which is also not a diagnosis or disease. Or like how I have sensory issues. Which means I'm not gonna touch the dishes that are covered in grease and crumbs from fried chicken. Which I have no idea why its a surprise in the first place seeing how I specifically skipped dinner today because I wanted to avoid that. So when I ask literally everybody in the house if they'd rinse the dishes off and then not one offers, its "well that's your job". no its not. Its literally a rule that you rinse off your own dishes because were not small children and can clean up after ourselves. And even if it was, my sensory issues aren't just gonna pack their bags. All I'm asking is for them to be rinsed off. I will do the rest no problem. I prefer to do it because nobody else can seem to get the job done. As far as I can tell, the neurotypicals in my house (everyone else) are more dysfunctional than I am. And the only reason I seem dysfunctional is because I can't function in the dysfunctional environment they made. So when I tell you about my disability after nicely asking for accommodations, and you tell me that I have all the problems there are to have, what you are really saying is that there's no way I have these problems and I'm making it up. and the only reason one would believe that in the first place is if you consider these things to be very basic and easy to do, and that anyone who can't do it is either a liar, or so incompetent that they are not human. For some reason, I'm not allowed to have disabilities unless I'm completely stupid. I'm not stupid. I'm not a liar. I'm not dramatic. I'm not an alien or an animal. I am autistic. And its really stupid and dramatic of others to have a bigger problem with me have a disability near them, than it is for me to have the disability to begin with. Other people seem to experience so much suffering when ever I ask for accommodations that I need because yes, if I ignore my sensory issues id prolly just be inconvenienced right? wrong. I wont be inconvenienced. I'd be overwhelmed. And even if I suppressed my emotions until I could isolate, one way or another I'd scream-cry my eyes out because it is so consuming that it physically hurts me. I don't stop suffering when I mask, they just don't see it anymore. Just because I don't need leg braces and I can smile and talk like everyone else doesn't mean I'm not disabled. I'm fine with my disability, I really am. It's inconvenient but I play my cards right and make the most out of it. (spoiler alert: I can make a lot of really cool stuff out of it) But what I'm not fine with is playing dress up. I'm not the doll that people project onto. I don't do what you say because you do what you say. You make your own decisions and I make mine. And I make the decision to love and respect myself enough to not put me through a lot of unnecessary stress because "you have everything". And I can see where people are coming from with this. Yeah, I have sensory issues, echolalia, dyslexia, and executive dysfunction, but none of those are on any of my papers as a diagnosis because they are not separate disorders. They are the symptoms of one disorder. Which I am diagnosed and with and had even before the diagnosis. I've always had it and I've always been this way and I always will. There isn't a thing in the world to fix me because I'm not broken. Mental illness and disorders are a buy one get 17 free. I have ADHD and ASD, which greatly increases my chances of being trans. Those three things increase my chances of having anxiety. Those things increases my chances of getting depression.

The trauma I've experienced among my inability to cope makes it really really likely that id get PTSD and a personality disorder. so yeah, its a long list but it wont change its validity. Mental illnesses are not rare. Disabilities are not rare. Trans and intersex people are not rare. they are all around us and we have met so many of them with out even realizing and we might be them with out even knowing. Not everyone is so caught up in their own privilege. I acknowledge my privilege a lot (but still not as much as I probably should). And I try my best to boost the voices of those I have privilege over in an attempt to make change. I'm not the most pathetic person in the world. I have it fairly well. Even if I've had one of the roughest lives I've even heard of (including in realistic media), I have it pretty darn well. and If I don't, oh well idc I'm still gonna be happy when the occasion gives way. There is no amount of disability and disorder that can ruin me. But it does effect me a lot. and I take care of myself because I deserve to be taken care of. When I am on my own, I will not make food that cause sensory issues. And this dysfunction magically isn't a problem anymore because I have given myself the attention I deserve. If there is any instance where I need assistance, I will ask. And I fully intend on surrounding myself with people who are kind and willing and are at least half way decent enough to be able to recognize that disabled people look just like everyone else sometimes, and regardless of the disability or how it may affect our appearances, we are people. And those people would have no problem helping me with things and I would have no problem helping them. I get infantilized and that is why I can't help myself, not because I'm helpless. I'm not allowed to help myself. So until I get recognized as the disabled person that I am, I will forever remain the animal with every disease and disorder know to man kind. Let me do things in a way that works for me, in the only way that I can, or do it yourself. There are an extreme amount of cases where it would be necessary for me to do things in a way dictated by another person. that is incredibly sparse. If you want me to do something, act like it. Why ask me to do something if I can't do it in the only way I know how? If it needs to be done in your way, then you do it. It makes me think of getting a jigsaw puzzle solver to paint a masterpiece. Yeah they make pictures, but they do it with jigsaws, not paint. So why would you ask a puzzle solver to paint rather than a painter?

Just like the puzzle solver can make pictures like the painter can, I can do a lot of the same things people without my conditions do. But It's done in a different way. It takes time and energy and a lot more than everyone. Yeah we all have problems and get tired but I'm tired because I do my hygiene in the wrong order so I think really hard about it and take an hour and you're tired because you've been working all day. I promise it a lot harder for me. Not that abled people don't have valid problems. But they don't have disabled problems. They don't have room in the conversation of validity with disabled folks because they do not have the experience and they will not be affected when we get more and more marginalized. We speak for ourselves because we face the consequences for their mistakes and they wouldn't even notice something went wrong. It does make sense for them to hear us and get to know about different kinds of people, because we should be able to peacefully co-exist and that requires understanding. It will be inconvenient to co-exist with some disabled people, but it is for anyone. It's just inconvenient in different ways. And you wont notice the benefits because you take it for granted. But I promise that I have just as much worth as the next person.

Asking me to not be disabled is so fucking stupid. And I can't believe that I have to say that to begin with.

[genericpuff]

always wanted to make one of those 'day in the life' posts so here u go!

TW/CW: Tattoo needles, mild blood/mentioning of blood

ima be honest with you, sometimes those 'day in the life' reels on tiktok n junk annoy the piss out of me because they seem so disingenuous, but that's honest to god probably just my executive dysfunction being salty because there's no way in HELL i'm gonna be on some 'grind' where i'm getting up at 6 am to make smoothies and do a workout before i have to go to actual work, i can't with that and i struggle to fathom anyone else doing that consistently LMAO (but i know there are and y'all are a different breed, i wouldn't be able to do it LOL)

like i literally get up anywhere between 30-10 minutes before i gotta catch the bus to go to work-

(understand that i can only get away with doing this because the bus stop is LITERALLY RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET FROM MY HOUSE LMAOOO i could also just as easily walk , work is about 15-20 minutes away, but like... i don't wanna when i could just sleep in for another 15-20 minutes LOL)

most of my mornings consist of battling with myself to get out of bed until the last possible minute and then hoping the bus isn't early so i don't miss it on account of my own executive dysfunction, paired with timmy's because i'm a canadian hoser, buds.

i'm actually pretty hyped though for that apartment move at the start of april because as soon as we've moved, we'll be even CLOSER to my work to the point i won't even have to catch the bus anymore, you can literally see the new place out my work window. watch me find ways to still be late for work LMAO

anyways. i got off kinda easy today because NORMALLY i have to get up earlier as most of the time my appointments start at 1 PM, but I only had one appointment today and we had booked it for 3 so I got to sleep in a bit longer <3 This was the design I had made up for them (a sternum piece):

but then it turned out i had completely neglected the one change they wanted, which was to make the middle flower a lotus flower. thank god for my ipad, having the ability to change up designs on the go was half the reason I bought it ~

easy fix uwu

as for the setup, my tattoo setup is pretty simple, the machine isn't actually ready to go yet but i usually set that up after the stencil is applied to give the stencil time to sit and dry (and i don't like having nothing to do while i wait):

(the actual machine once it's wrapped):

it was a full kitchen in the shop today meaning me, my boss, and my two other coworkers who work in the open area were all working and having a good time. one of my other coworkers wasn't in today but they work in a separate private room so the main area itself was full. sometimes i'll come in and i can tell who was in first based on what's playing on the TV. if it's documentaries or reruns of old comedy shows (like the Office) I know it's my boss, if it's reality TV then I know it's L, and if it's music from Spotify then it's usually my other coworker S.

It was S today :' )

here's the actual stencil on the skin! my client is an old pal who i've tattooed a couple times and was thankfully okay with me taking pics and posting these ~ (haha, no female presenting nipples here, tumblr!)

as you can probably see I had to take a marker to the tail and redraw it so it would go around the belly button, originally the stencil went right thru it and wouldn't have looked good

but guess what? didn't matter anyways because the fucking stencil wouLDN'T FUCKING STICK. like, as soon as I started working on it, I realized it was gonna be one of those stencils, the kind that wipe away INSTANTLY. I think it was a combination of just the placement (backs and sternums don't tend to hold as well) as well as her skin type (not all skin types hold onto stencils and ink equally) and the fact that it was hotter in the shop than it usually is which amounted to a bit of sweat (esp in the belly area where things tend to be a lot warmer) which resulted in the stencil not holding in the slightest. y'all it was STRESSFUL and even after I tried to re-apply the stencil again as best as I could (with the tattoo already in progress and the old stencil pretty much gone) it STILL wouldn't hold, so I essentially had to bloodline the whole thing (i.e. line it in so lightly and quickly just to get SOMETHING visible in there after the stencil disappeared. half the lines weren't even genuine lines, just the tiniest faintest impressions that mostly consisted of blood, but still better than nothing).

eventually my coworkers had all clocked out for the day so i was the last one standing, meaning I got control over the Spotify >:D

(and played pretty much the exact same music my coworker would have because we have the exact same tastes in music lmao)

so this is where i had to re-stencil because the original stencil i had put on was wiping away like crazy, but then the second stencil ended up being just as shitty. like you can see where i had to put the lines in 'good enough' near the top because even the shoddy stencil redo was GONE as i was working on it, and it created this sort of cyclical problem where i couldn't just not wipe while i worked because that would result in there being ink anywhere so i couldn't see what i was doing... but then i would wipe to clean it up and poof stencil gone. it was a nightmare and stressed me out but big thanks to my client for understanding and trusting the process <3

because even tattoos are allowed to have an ugly stage before they look good ~

all in all i'm pretty happy with how it came out in the end, the process definitely didn't go as smoothly as i had initially hoped and i would have liked to spend more time on the actual lining process in the beginning, but i had to rush that shit. thankfully as soon as that foundation was laid, it gave me time to just go in and tighten up those lines, a lot of this ended up being freehand compared to what i had planned on doing :' )

(the best part is this client has two lil' dermals just an inch or so above the tattoo that the snake's face and tongue line up perfectly with, it's adorable haha)

either way, that was my day at the shop, i was the last one there so it was on me to settle the debit/credit machine, set the alarms and have everything ready for another day tomorrow!

very appropriate music for the last track of the day lmao and our shop pet, Smaug, poked his head out to say hello!

for the most part, a good day! aside from that stupid stencil giving me a hard time, it was still pretty chill, came out to be a 3 hour day, I showed up around 2:30, my appointment started at 3 and we were all done by 5:30, left just in time to go pick up some sushi takeout and catch the next bus home <3

(have I ever shown my face on my Tumblr before??? if not, here's me!)

My job's pretty cool. Still have to deal with a lot of "typical bullshit" esp when it comes to communicating with clients and setting up appointments as well as tattoo-unique bullshit like dealing with squirmers or crappy stencils or not being able to have a social life without people pestering me for free work, but it's the best job I could ever ask for especially in this particular location. The husband and wife duo who run the place are super sweet but have their shit together well, they run a tight ship and it means I don't have anything to worry about besides setting up my appointments and tattooing. It took a lot of fighting over the course of years to finally end up in a comfortable place, and many times I almost gave up, but it was worth it because now I'm in a great place that pays well and I get to do what I love.

But I'm still pretty eager to get home most days lol So I grabbed my sushi, caught the bus, and made it home.

It was about 6:25 when I landed and because of Daylight Savings, it's still very light out. It does so much for my mental health to leave work and have it still be sunny, the ✨ seasonal depression ✨ is gone and all I have to worry about now is ✨ regular depression ✨ And it's gonna be even better once we move to the new place because it's on a ground floor and has windows aplenty, loads of natural light (compared to the gross basement we live in rn).

But until then, this is what I come home to (～￣▽￣)～

I will now spend the next 6-8 hours playing FF XIV, watching my shows, and working on Rekindled and Time Gate, pretty much all at the same time or at least jumping between. Usually I'll have something playing on rerun on the TV in the background (so something I don't have to pay attention to, like reruns of the Office or Bob's Burgers or w/e I'm feeling that day) and then I'll be listening to music in my headphones or - if I want to engage with something that isn't a rerun - I'll put on a Youtube video that's easy to listen to and absorb without having to look directly at. Sometimes it's speedrun documentaries, sometimes it's GameGrumps compilations, just depends on what I'm feeling and what shows up in my recommended that day LOL Yes , it might seem 'pointless' to have a show playing in the background while also listening to music, but it's sorta just there as a presence and idk, it brings my ADHD brain comfort lol

If you don't believe me that this is the level of multitasking that I'm at, the other day I made a call to Nintendo Support to help my husband get back into his account and I did it while running dungeons in FF XIV, yaaaaay ADHD! My brain needs constant stimulation to function! ╰（‵□′）╯

(and yes, I'm usually joined by Psuwis - it's Maliseet for 'cat' - who's very needy for my attention as soon as I get home lol)

This is how I spend most of my evenings, and even entire days if I'm not in the shop (and my schedule's pretty flexible, sometimes I'm at the shop 5 days a week, other times I might only work 2 or 3 days, it just depends on how busy my bookings are). My husband is actually probably just getting off work rn so he'll likely be home by the time I'm wrapping up this post lmao

Supper!

I actually worked on Rekindled pretty much all day yesterday, so now the episode's almost done already, it's coming along nicely! I'm hoping to have it done tonight or tomorrow so that I can have it ready for Saturday when I'm away on my trip (and maybe get a headstart on Ep 12 so that we can have a new episode next weekend as well during my apartment move!)

Anyone in my follows play FF XIV? Currently working on my Astrologian, it's pretty fun! You can find me (Pym Thras'rala) in Hyperion if you ever wanna party up sometime!

That's pretty much it! Not really anything super crazy or exciting to show, my life's pretty routine and that's how I like it. A lot of my social life is online nowadays but I do make time to go out and hang out with IRL pals as well. If this were done on a Friday most of what I'd be doing is hanging out down at the bar with pals LMAO

So yeah! hope you enjoyed this lil' self-indulgent "talk about myself for 20 minutes" post （￣︶￣）↗　If anything I hope it offers some kind of solidarity to the other pals out there who need 27390572309 forms of stimulation to get through the day LMAO

(also not recommending anyone live the way i do, my back hurts, my sleep schedule is fucked and my brain is fried（*゜ー゜*）let's all hold each other accountable and remember to check our postures, stand up and stretch every hour, and stay hydrated <3 ).

[traumatizeddfox]

hi! so i was wondering a couple of trauma-related things.

tws for: bullying, dissociation, educational trauma, medical trauma, burnout, self-esteem issues, self-harm/suicidal ideation, long ask (i don't know the importance of these so i'm listing them just in case)

so i've had some things happening to me recently, and in total, and i was wondering about what your perception of them might be, just because i'd like outside perspective.

cyber-bullying: when i was younger, during the pandemic, i was still in school. i played minecraft with my friends a lot on a server. one of the guys on the server, let's call him v, joined after the rest of us. i wasn't very good at minecraft, and as the only girl i was sometimes teased. after v joined he started doing things that were upsetting and i told him not to. for instance, he'd lure me to "help him with mining", then kill my character and make me lose progress. he'd chase me around and hit me with swords (in game). the worst experience i had with him was when he trapped my character in a room i couldn't escape, and just hit me over and over and didn't let me leave. when i brought it up to the server moderator he was reluctant to do anything, and the other guys there weren't very supportive. eventually, i got my parents to intervene, and i don't play minecraft with v (or on servers in general) anymore. my question: was this cyberbullying? am i right to still be sensitive about it?

medical trauma: i was diagnosed with a type of chronic headaches about a year and a half ago. every day, all day, my head would hurt. eventually, i got treatment, by process of routine procedures and an eventual semi-surgery/procedure requiring anesthesia. however, i sometimes/often get headaches nowadays, and i have a tendency to think my head hurts a lot. my question: would this be a trauma response to my previous headaches (ie, misconstruing/exaggerating/overreacting to small headaches)?

education trauma/dissociation/burnout: i am currently in high school, which i am having an awful time with. i used to have fun in school, and i like learning, but my highschool is very large. i have asd and issues with executive dysfunction, so i'm tired all the time after socializing at school. i have trouble focusing, and often feel very bad about not getting homework done. i am currently in a constant state of exhaustion, feeling like crying all the time. i've also noticed recently that when i'm at school i kind of check out, just stop being in myself per se, try to do something like reading that takes me away, and am sort of in a fugue state. my question: does this seem like dissociation? do you have suggestions for me to fix it?

self-esteem issues: i have issues with self-esteem where i have excessive guilt and respond to any criticism with self-hatred and beating myself up. there's a little voice in my head that tells me i'm awful, i have guilt attacks where i feel like stabbing or cutting myself. my question: do these things seem like they could be a symptom of trauma, or more of just rsd or something else?

thanks so much for consideration :) sorry the ask is so long

-anon ida

Hi Ida! Ill try to answer as best as I can but just remember I am not a mental health professional!

Cyberbully: I would def consider it cyber bullying, mainly because he was taunting you and just personally harassing you. even if its in-game, its still really annoying to have someone constantly chase after you, kill your character and lose progress, to me thats harassment.

Medical trauma: Im not very experienced in medical trauma, but I did get severe neck pain back in 2019/2020 and the pain was horrendous, i wasnt able to do anything, and when i get pain in my neck i get super anxious. It might not be medical trauma towards ur headaches, but it could be a panic disorder, like maybe you're in fear of the pain?

education trauma/dissociation/burnout: this one im not too sure, to me it sounds more like burn out, it could be a bunch of things honestly! it could be burn out, it could lack of vitamins, it could be a list of things

self esteem issues: i have similar issues, I think the same things about myself. I cant say for certain if it's trauma, if it's thing youve heard others say to you, it could be a series of things. it could be social anxiety, it could be depression, etc.

It's definitely best to get a professional psychologist, therapist, doctor, etc to give you proper advice and information! It's a little hard for me to answer since I don't know you personally and I also am not a trained mental health professional but thank you for the ask and I hope things turn around for you!

[healingheartdogs]

CW for ideation, just ranting a bit about psych stuff

When you tell your psychiatrist that you've never been so depressed in your life and have never struggled with ideation and wanting to self harm so much and you don't know if it's just because of your current life situation (poverty and the looming threat of homelessness is so fun) or if it's because of the meds you're on now (which have a black box warning for increase in suicidal thoughts and suicide risk) and instead of addressing either of those two very realistic possibilities she just asks if I'm expecting my period soon and when my last one was instead. I have PMDD but it's never been suicidal PMDD, and I'm on BC to manage it rn that stops me from having periods so it's not relevant anyway.

When I told her my BC stops my period so I don't have them she asked me if I was still tracking them to make sure it wasn't possibly PMDD... There's nothing to track lady, I DON'T HAVE THEM. And then she moved on to asking me how else the meds were making me feel and told me I should keep trying them for longer to see if they actually work because it can take up to two months to see benefits without ever going back to address the extreme depression and ideation. Like... dude the strattera clearly does not like my brain since it is making me extremely depressed, COULD YOU LISTEN TO ME PLEASE??? It also is not actually helping with any of my ADHD symptoms besides making my head a little bit quieter instead of constant random ping-ponging thoughts.

I told the nurse before my first visit with this psych that I was worried about seeing a new psychiatrist because my last one didn't listen to me and focused on irrelevant things that I would mention in passing a lot instead of what was actually important to me to deal with, and she told me this new psych is SUCH a good listener that she even talks to her about her problems a lot so she hopes I felt the same while seeing her. I can only conclude that this nurse must be mentally healthy because this lady does not listen any better than the last one and does the exact same shit, acting like all my problems are just because I don't sleep "normally" and focusing more on managing my anxiety (which is a symptom not its own problem and is already being managed fairly well by my beta blockers) and low self worth rather than solving the issues causing my anxiety and low self worth like my extreme executive dysfunction that makes me feel like I'm trapped in my unresponsive body and a useless POS all the time.

I s2g I am so over getting lectures on sleep hygiene and needing to "fix" my sleep schedule from doctors when I am not complaining about sleep at all just because they personally don't like my sleep habits. Yes, I have a sleep disorder. Yes, my sleep schedule frequently shifts because I'm not on a 24 hour cycle. NO, I do NOT have a problem with that and I do NOT struggle with getting to sleep, staying asleep, or getting enough sleep!!! STOP FOCUSING ON MY SLEEP!!!! THE UNMANAGED ADHD IS MUCH MORE SERIOUS!!! But my sleep schedule isn't "correct" for capitalism and working normal jobs so they prioritize that "issue" instead, even though I wouldn't be able to work even if it was normal because of my EXTREME ADHD and physical disability.

I hate healthcare in this country.

[eyes-talks-ocs]

HELLO THERE! LOOK AT ME, I'M GONNA ATTEMPT TO DO A THING! [And I'm late to the party by a few days, like usual 😅]

I didn't get the chance to participate in Whumptober like I have the past few years, and NaNo has always intimidated me. But when I saw @winterandwords putting on this event, I just had to jump on it. Not only is it low to no pressure. Which is perfect for me since there has been NO CHILL in my life this year. But also I've been meaning to work more on myself, especially with the no chill I've had.

---

Writing Goals:

🗯️ Fix up the new beginning chapters in Social Throwaways - earlier this year I realized I had started my project in the wrong place story wise, and that's why I was having such a hard time writing the beginning and trying to move forward with it. So now I have the task of moving over all the important scenes and info from all the scrapped chapters in the beginning....so yeah...sifting through about 30,000 words and trying to figure out where and how I'm gonna weave all the important world/character building into the current new beginning chapters.

🗯️Try and get to Ch 20 - I'm on Ch 16 right now. Not going to push myself too hard on this goal. My chapters tend to be chonky boys. Averaging 5,500 to 6,500 words. 😬 But if I can get just a couple chapters done and moved forward, I'd be happy.

🗯️Work more on character voice - Just as it sounds, make my character's dialogue have more unique personality. Macaw is easy, he's always had his own distinct voice. But a few of my other characters I feel sound too similar to one another.

🗯️If you think it's weird, make it weirder - taking inspiration from a post I saw a while back. I need to get over the 'purity culture' that's around writing and media. I need to get over the fear of being ruthlessly burned at the stake for writing "bad people", "taboo topics", "grey morals", and just having brutal scenes by deranged individuals. I need to learn just to ignore the posts picking apart media and trying to socially castrate the authors/creators. Basically, 'fuck you, I'm doing what I'm doing, because I know that writing certain topics doesn't mean I support them...'

----

Self Care Goals:

🖤 Make a better creative space - that banner I used up there, that laptop, yeah that's mine sitting at my little desk in the living room. I NEED to start getting into the habit of using my computer more for writing. I work so much better and faster when I sit down and write on my laptop. It's just 100x easier for me. But over the past year or so, I've been exclusively using my phone over the computer for writing and it's really lagged me back. Sure the phone is convenient and doesn't take effort to set up. But setting up and getting the laptop out, making a cup of tea and getting into the space to write is FAR better and productive for me.

🖤Do the FUCKING dishes - okay. Dishes are a huge source of dread and anxiety for me. The executive dysfunction and task avoidance is very real for me with them. I'm a very busy person, so my dishes pile up and every Saturday is my Dish Day™️. Where I slog through the pile of dishes in the sink. But if I just wash the couple of dishes every night instead of letting them pile up over the course of a week, theoretically, I'd stop dreading it and the anxiety over it should be less.

🖤Wake Up Earlier/Spirituality - I'm an alarm snoozer trying to get my 45min morning routine done in 5 while trying to get to work on time. I used to be really good about taking my time in the morning to work on my spiritual work (Hello fellow Pagans), but life got busy and my practice fell to the back burner, and that burner is set to low. I wanna move it to the front and get it simmering nicely again.

🖤Spend more time with my family - this includes friends too. I used to stop over at my nephew's house regularly to hang out, help with chores, and be a good adult role model. But life with no chill has me exhausted and not wanting to leave the house. I feel bad because I haven't had a DnD / game night with my nephew or brought him out hiking for a good while now. I know he's been bummed over it, so I need to quit isolating and go socialize. 😅

---

Anyway, these are my goals for this month, I think I should be able to hit them. Hopefully 🤞

[gillianthecat]

well, i'm not really shocked about it, but my executive function basically collapses on saturdays. it would be nice if it didn't, but i'm also cutting myself some slack about it. i think my brain just needs at least one day a week to let go of all self discipline. it's inconvenient, but i'm hoping it will work as a pressure valve so i can stay on top of things the rest of the week.

i did not sleep at all last night and instead compulsively went through someone's tumblr blog looking for all the personal details of her life even though our interests don't really overlap because she's the same age as me, she posted actual photos of herself and family (which felt slightly shocking on this website, though i know she's not the only one by far) and there were hints that she lived in the same area as me (it turns out she does). that happens sometimes, I get fascinated by some random person's online presence and want to dig up all the details that i can about them. not because i necessarily find the person themselves that interesting, it's more about the hunt for snippets of information. And, like with this woman, it's often someone who is like me in a few ways, but otherwise very different, so it feels like a glimpse at the mundanities of an alternate life i might have lived, although don't actually want. I used to get my fix of the details of ordinary other people's lives from the blogs of adult ballet students and ballroom dancers, and the occasional organizing/interior design blog, but sadly long form blogging like that seems to have basically disappeared. I never regularly followed youtubers but occasionally fell down a rabbit hole and obsessively watched people's entire oeuvres in a ridiculous binge.

and then a random link on that first tumblr-er's blog led me to an article in a magazine that then suggested a second article that was so awful, written by someone who someone who styled themselves a "public intellectual" but was either so implausibly naive about reality that it boggled the mind, or cynically pretending to be naive for... stirring up controversy? pandering to white racists? who the fuck knows - that i felt compelled to find all the bad reviews talking shit about him, partly to reassure myself that i had not lost my grip on my reality, that it was this writer who was talking absolute nonsense, and partly just to enjoy other people tearing him to shreds. i even when to twitter, for gods sake (this is how we know my executive function is in shambles). i did find many people there destroying him, managed to avoid reading his own tweets or that of his supporters, and got off in under an hour, so as twitter forays go, it wasn't too dangerous.

last saturday's executive dysfunction all-nighter was mostly dedicated to aimless scrolling of tumblr corners that i don't usually visit, but there i also found someone who made no sense, and felt compelled to dig through there blog to see if learning more about them helped me understand what they were trying to say any better. it did not. their blog was mostly reblogs of random things, then them reblogging political/philosophical posts with incoherent but aggressive sounding arguments. i dug into the notes, because of course i did, and anyone who bothered to respond was like "i have no idea what you're trying to say so i'm not going to argue with you." i finally blocked them, just to stop myself from digging further.

mostly i'm writing this out in order to get back to my self; i feel like my sense of who i am and what i want gets lost as i go on this little explorations of other people's worlds. which i think is what i'm craving when i do it; to not have to be a coherent person for a little while. but if it goes on too long than i find it hard to become myself again, and all the tasks that have remained undone while i went away pile up and make me want to go back into hiding. but i am hopeful i've caught it in time that i can get back to being functional, and finish my homework and laundry and not start the week feeling so terribly behind.

the other reason for executive dysfunction is that i have a writing assignment (gasp!). it is a very small one—to write the introduction to our physiology lab report for my lab group—but i'm feeling very stuck about it. i think because i feel caught between wanting to make it sound like an introduction to an actual scientific paper and the reality that this is an intro level physiology lab that is not doing original research and that we came up with our hypotheses on the spot with little to back them up besides a gut feeling. so i think i just have to get over wanting to write a "good" introduction, and just bullshit something. (this is why i'm taking science classes. i get so stuck on doing academic writing. it took me an extra two years to turn in my undergrad thesis even after i finished all my coursework.)

here's a picture being the "subject" for my physio lab and looking like i'm about to get a jump start.

well. i could ramble on forever. but i will try to take this momentum i've rebuilt and go get things done.

(it would have been nice if my complete collapse of will power had led me to catch up on QL shows instead, but alas, that is now too close to things i "should" do, even though i love them. my brain seems to only accept complete and absolute time wasting.)

[angelbaby-fics]

I posted 1,389 times in 2022

That's 1,389 more posts than 2021!

582 posts created (42%)

807 posts reblogged (58%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@angelbaby-fics

@stevesbestgirl

@wndalovebot

@sunkissedbucky

I tagged 908 of my posts in 2022

Only 35% of my posts had no tags

#c - 332 posts

#♡ - 103 posts

#little!reader - 51 posts

#chloe's fic - 45 posts

#bucky x little!reader - 34 posts

#agere fic - 31 posts

#friends - 31 posts

#stucky x little!reader - 30 posts

#queue 🧸 - 27 posts

#steve x little! reader - 20 posts

Longest Tag: 126 characters

#especially because executive dysfunction sometimes makes it hard to get things done so i imagine steve & bucky helping me ☺️☺️

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Hii🥺💗 I had a daddy!stucky request where bucky loses the reader’s favourite stuffie and won’t stop crying until steve gets her a new bucky bear stuffie

Daddy Cat

Summary: Bucky loses your favorite stuffy while on a mission, but Steve knows just how to fix it.

Word count: 1470

Pairing: Daddy!Stucky x Little!Reader (fem language used)

A/N: Thank you so much for this request, its so cute!! 🥰💕 I changed it up just a little bit to fit an idea I've had since I first saw that cat picture lol. Special thanks to @haleybr for helping me find it!! Also I was feeling kind of artistic today so I made a little moodboard to go with the fic, I hope you guys like it 💕🐈

“Okay, bye bye Bubba, be a good little kitty! I’m gonna miss you so much!!” You kissed the plush grey kitten on its hard plastic nose before shoving it to the bottom of Bucky’s backpack, under the clothes so he could be cushioned on his trip. This was a little tradition of yours: every time one of your daddies had to go on a mission, you’d sneak a stuffy into their bag to keep them company while they’re away from you. You zipped the backpack up and put it back in its place near the door. Just then, Bucky entered the room, and you knew what that meant.

“Oh, pumpkin, you know I hate to leave you.” Bucky said, lifting you up and propping you on his left hip. You nuzzled into his shoulder while he rubbed your back, kissing you on the head before setting you back down.

“I miss you already.” You whispered shyly, looking down at your socks.

“I’m not even out the door yet, doll, you love me that much?” Bucky laughed, tousling your hair.

You smiled and jumped up to your tippy-toes to give Bucky a kiss on the cheek. Steve joined the two of you at the door, taking you in his arms as he knew goodbyes were always hard. With you in his arms, he leaned over to Bucky, the three of you embracing for what felt like too short of a moment before Bucky said his final goodbyes and headed out the door.

“Okay, baby, what are we gonna do today?” Steve asked, turning to you. Your brain still focussed on missing your daddy, you only shrugged your shoulders.

“Well, how about this?” Steve carried you to his room where he picked up a bag before walking you back to the living room, setting both you and the bag on a mat on the floor. “Go ahead, honey.” He motioned towards the bag.

You leaned over, peeking in to reveal a massive set of new Play Doh colors and plastic accessories. You squealed with delight, immediately getting started building a little farm while Steve watched with pride.

Hours passed, Steve reminding you to put your Play Doh away after a while so it wouldn’t dry out. He made you lunch and you curled up on the couch to watch some cartoons as the day went on, until it was evening, and Bucky was calling to say goodnight. He spoke to Steve first, telling him how the mission was going so far, while you eagerly leaned over, trying to hear your daddy’s voice. You caught snippets of the conversation through Steve’s replies, vaguely aware that Bucky was mad about something, but nothing big enough for you to get worried. Finally, it was your turn, and Steve passed the phone to you.

“Hey babydoll!” “DADDY!!” You shouted into the phone

You spoke for a few minutes, telling Bucky all about the Play Doh farm you’d made and the pasta Steve made for lunch before finally asking the question that had been weighing on your mind.

“How’s Bubba?”

Bucky hesitated for a moment before answering.

“Oh he’s good, baby!”

“Can I say goodnight to him?” “Uhh, well he already fell asleep! He was so tired from helping me out today!”

“Okay… Well, give him a kiss for me and make sure he doesn’t have bad dreams!” You said, not wanting to sound too disappointed that your favorite stuffy had fallen asleep without you.

“Of course, babydoll, and you give papa a kiss for me too, okay?” “Okay daddy, I love you.”

“I love you too, angel. I can’t wait to see you when I get home tomorrow!”

You handed the phone back to Steve who said his goodbyes before hanging up the phone and wrapping his arm around you.

“Alright baby, how about a special treat for tonight. Do you wanna order pizza?”

“Yes yes yes!” You jumped off the couch, bouncing and clapping your hands while Steve laughed and started dialing the delivery number.

With the sun fully down and your tummy full of pizza, Steve carried your exhausted self into his and Bucky’s room, knowing you preferred to sleep there when one of them was gone. As soon as you hit the soft mattress, you curled into Bucky’s pillow, inhaling his smell as you felt Steve crawl under the covers behind you and rubbing your back soothingly as you drifted off to sleep.

You jumped up out of bed when you heard Bucky’s key in the lock of the door, nearly knocking him over with your hug as he walked into the home.

“WELCOME HOME DADDY!!! Did you have fun?” You asked, laughing as he picked you up and spun you around.

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772 notes - Posted February 9, 2022

#4

reader being in little space and being so i love with her new toy but bucky just got a fresh hair cut and new Cologne new clothes new everything and reader is so stunned she slowly walks on to him grabs his face and says something like “so pretty dada” like a disney prince and just keep staring at him for the rest of the day/week 🥺💋 (love your work btw)

Like A Prince

Summary: Bucky gets a haircut and you can't stop staring

Word count: 850

Pairing: Daddy!Bucky x Little!Reader (fem language used)

A/N: I love this request so much! I've included some pictures under the cut of how I imagined his hair looking before and after while I was writing! I"m quite partial to his tfatws look 🥰 This takes place (as all my fics do) in a universe where littles are commonplace & accepted in society! Also, I’ve taken to nicknaming Bucky “buba” when in littlespace… kind of just a baby-fied way of saying his name... Bucky Barnes, get it?? Hopefully you guys like that haha 💕

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793 notes - Posted February 4, 2022

#3

Hi! I was wondering if I could send in a request???

Here it is: A very sleepy r. Trouble waking baby up from naps. Especially mornings. Just curls back up and ignores everyone. Half asleep during entire morning routine and nodding off at breakfast with like mouth full or face in the food idk. Definitely not self projecting w this lol. Steve Bucky or both idrc

Thank you if you decide to do it!! This is my first time requesting to you! 💗💗🥰🧸

Sleepyhead

Word Count: 750

Pairing: Daddy!Stucky x Little!Reader (fem terms used)

A/N: omg this was almost hard to write because i had SO much coffee today i am bouncing off the walls lol 😝 but steve & bucky are so cozy i wish i could fall asleep with them lol i think i'd have the most relaxed sleep of my life 😌🛌

“Wakey wakey, baby!”

Steve swiped his thumb across your forehead, attempting to gently rouse you from sleep as Bucky threw the curtains open. The morning sunlight hitting your face made you turn out of Steve’s grasp and into the nest of blankets, pillows, and stuffies you’d gathered up during the night. You smiled as you inhaled the lingering scent of the lavender mist that your daddies sprayed over your pillowcases before bed. With the light of the sun now out of your face but the warmth of it filling the room, you began to slowly drift away back into slumber.

Until Steve pulled the blanket off you.

“Come on, honey, rise and shine.” He whispered, still trying to coax you out of sleep as opposed to forcing you.

“Mmmmmnnnnoooooooooo…” You mumbled into the pillow, kicking your legs around, trying to find any warmth you could on the bedsheet.

Bucky came to join Steve at the side of your bed, laying his left hand across your back. The cold touch of the metal made your eyes pop open, and you squinted and blinked a few times before finally turning around with a stretch and a yawn to face your two daddies. “Ooh, big stretch baby!” Bucky said, which made you giggle a little bit.

Steve leaned towards you, the tip of his nose brushing yours which caused you to go crosseyed and giggle some more.

“Are you ready for breakfast babydoll?” He asked.

“Mmmaybe…” You mumbled, your eyelids starting to droop a little again.

“What if I told you it's pancakes with chocolate chips and a cherry on top?” He bargained, perking you up a bit more.

“And whipped cream and chocolate syrup?”

Steve took in a sharp breath. “Ohh, I don’t know about all that. How about if you get dressed by yourself, you can pick one or the other?”

You weighed your options before ultimately shaking your head. You decided the extra toppings simply weren’t worth the effort of getting out of your comfy pajamas. Steve laughed, somewhat surprised at your decision but not wanting to fight it. He knew you had a sweet tooth and besides, he didn’t really want you to have that much sugar first thing in the morning.

“You want me to carry you too?” Steve asked, sensing you were a little smaller in your tired state.

You nodded with a smile, your eyes falling closed again as you felt Steve’s strong arms lifting you out of the comfort of the bed. You latched your limbs around his large frame, soaking up his warmth and his comforting scent. You’d almost fallen back asleep when he let you down on the dining chair. Bucky set a stack of pancakes on the placemat in front of you and kissed your head.

“Here you are, your highness. Daddy’s famous chocolate pancakes!” He said with a grin.

You picked up the plastic fork and began to dig in, a chocolate chip melting on your tongue as you sighed happily.

“I’m gonna go get your clothes out, okay sleepyhead?” Steve asked, and you nodded, not even bothering to look over at him.

The mix of the warm and sweet breakfast, Steve’s kiss to your cheek before he left towards your bedroom, the soft jazz music Bucky had playing over the speakers, and your warm footie pajamas still had you ensnared in sleep, even as you tried to eat your breakfast. Bucky was cleaning up the kitchen when he called out to you.

“How are they, bub? I added some chocolate syrup anyway, don’t tell papa okay?” He asked, but there was no answer.

Bucky turned around to find you with your head resting on the dining table, strands of your hair strewn across the plate, a snore softly escaping your parted lips. Bucky frowned just as Steve walked back into the room.

“Honey, I think somethings wrong. She fell back asleep, I don’t know why!” Bucky said with concern.

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923 notes - Posted February 19, 2022

#2

stucky x little!reader

What if during the night someone breaks into their home…daddies were up anyway in the bedroom with little one that was sleeping in their bed. but when they hear the commotion downstairs, it wakes up little one and she starts tearing up because she’s scared….but one of the daddies goes to call back up while the other one stays behind to calm little one down…

You can do really whatever you want with this story 🤍

Safe Room

Word Count: 2k

Pairing: Mob!Stucky x Little!Reader

Warning: Slightly darker than my usual fics due to the mob AU! Nothing too scary I hope!!

A/N: Sorry I changed it up a little!! :O if you want something closer to your original request I’d be happy to write it!! This is just what came to me while I was writing so I went with it lol <3 I'm very excited to see The Gray Man soon and it inspired me to try writing some Mob!Stucky, a trope I love but have never written before!! Also the paci is a reference one I just bought from @princeminnow and I highly recommend you guys check out his blog! Anyways, I hope you all enjoy!!

You had your own bedroom, painted your favorite color with a big comfy bed and lots of blankets. Shelves lined the walls, filled to the brim with stuffies and toys, as well as your ever expanding collection of little gear. The closet doors almost couldn’t close over the amount of both practical clothing and dress up costumes you had. Despite all this, however, your bedroom was not your favorite room in the house. It’s not that you weren’t thankful or that you didn’t like it - you loved it after all! But if you got to choose, you’d spend every moment you could in Steve and Bucky’s room, engulfed in their scent and aura. 

That's where you found yourself on this particular night, one hand tangled up in Bucky’s fingers, the other around your stuffy. You hadn’t meant to fall asleep there, only meaning to get some evening cuddles while Bucky read his book, but when your eyes started to feel heavy, you didn’t fight it. Your mouth hung open, having fallen asleep without a paci, and Bucky didn’t want to risk waking you by getting up to get you one. Besides, Steve would be home any minute now, and not only could he go retrieve a pacifier for you, but would also get the treat of seeing you curled up with Bucky. He needed it after the day he’d had. 

Bucky heard Steve unlock the door and hoped he’d enter quietly, but when the closing of the door was followed by a harshly whispered curse word, Bucky immediately knew something was wrong. He heard Steve climb the stairs, two or three at a time, as fast as he could towards the bedroom. Steve didn’t even have time to take in the adorable sight in front of him, nor Bucky the time to ask Steve what was wrong. Steve scooped you up as gently as he could, hoping not to wake you. If the change in position didn’t wake you, he feared his rapid heartbeat or the quake in his voice would.

“Someone’s in the house.” He said quietly, hoping to convey the urgency of the situation to Bucky as quickly as possible. “We need to get her to the safe room now.”

Bucky nodded, immediately getting up out of bed and crossing the room to the closet where he kept some weapons. 

“You take her, keep her calm. I’ll take care of this.” Bucky said in his stubborn way.

“No, they already know I’m here, they don’t need to know anyone else is home.” Steve replied, trying to hand you to Bucky.

“I’m not letting you face this alone.”

“We can’t leave her alone!” Steve countered, knowing Bucky couldn’t argue with that.

Bucky took you from Steve’s arms, grateful that you hadn’t woken up in all the commotion yet.

Then a crash came from downstairs. Your face scrunched up as you debated whether the noise was worth waking up over, but another curse word from Steve’s lips made your eyes shoot open. 

“Daddy what?” You muttered, voice heavy with sleep. 

“Shhh angel, everything’s alright,” Steve whispered to you, “just go back to sleep babydoll.” 

You wrapped your arms around his neck, clinging onto him as the commotion downstairs continued.

“Daddy what’s goin on?!” You cried, starting to panic.

Bucky and Steve exchanged a glance.

“Take her. I’ve got this.” Bucky said, coldly and quietly so as to express his urgency to Steve without scaring you further. Steve nodded as Bucky got dressed, hiding a gun in his waistband.

“Hey honeybear, we’re gonna go on a little late night adventure, okay? But you gotta stay really quiet and be a good girl for Daddy, alright?”

You knew Steve well enough to know that he was trying his hardest. Even though he protected you from the truth, the big part of your brain knew that your daddies dealt with dangerous people. Even though they kept their business as far from you, their little girl, as they could, you still noticed every time one of them came home with a black eye or blood on their shoe. You learned it was best not to question it. And even though Steve focused every cell in his body to keep you calm, you knew even in your sleepy little state that whatever was going on was very, very bad. 

You stayed quiet, just as Steve commanded, but you couldn’t stop the tears filling your eyes and dripping down your face. You were too scared to even sniffle as Steve ran through the halls of your big house, pressing you into his chest so hard it almost hurt. Steve stopped at a bookshelf, in which room you couldn’t tell as all the lights in the home had been turned off. He checked his surroundings to make sure the two of you hadn’t been followed before tugging on the edge of a book and pulling the hinged bookcase away from the wall. He hurried inside with one arm holding you to him and the other shutting the secret door as quietly as possible. Once he heard it latch, he pressed a code into the number pad on the wall and continued through the snaking hidden hallways of the house. He reached a sturdy locked door, punched in the code for that one as well, and once inside, attempted to set you down. But you weren’t having that. 

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1,029 notes - Posted July 14, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Eddie My Love

Word Count: 680

Pairing: CG!Eddie Munson x Little!Reader

Summary: When everything is too much, Eddie will always be there to help you.

A/N: This is kind of rushed & I'm half asleep but I still really wanted to get some Eddie fluff out there before midnight tonight.... just in case 😭😭 No matter what happens, he's already such a beloved comfort character for me so I was still really happy to write this for him. Even though its pretty short I promise I'll have more Eddie fics in the pretty near future! 😄💕🦇

Your hands gripped tight on the door handle, knuckles bracing against skin as you held on for dear life. Even if you had the courage to complain, the most trained ear wouldn’t be able to hear you over the heavy rock music vibrating through the van. Eddie peeled out of the school parking lot, nearly tipping over as he took the turn towards his trailer. You squeezed your eyes shut; you normally didn’t have a problem with the reckless way Eddie drove, but the smaller you regressed, the scarier everything seemed. 

As the van screeched to a halt at an intersection, Eddie took a moment to admire you, just as he did hundreds of times a day. When he saw your terrified face, his heart sank. He kicked himself mentally for not realizing sooner that you were little, and he immediately slammed a hand down on the stereo button to quiet the music. He should have known you were having a bad day, he should have noticed the signs, but he was riding on the high of a good session at Hellfire and your mood shift just didn’t register to him. In the newfound silence of the car, he could hear your labored breaths as you tried to calm yourself down. No more; that was his job now. His calloused hand reached out to yours. 

“Shh baby, it’s okay. Shhh…” He whispered, leaning over to stroke your hand and relax the muscles that were still holding fast to the door. 

The cold sensation of his rings against your skin was just enough to distract you from your fear. You began to fiddle with one, an angry pig that you thought was more cute than intimidating, twisting it around and around Eddie’s slender finger. 

“Do you wanna wear it?” He asked, and you nodded. He slid it off his finger onto yours and you quickly resumed your stimming. Your breathing slowed. “Hey, yeah, that's it baby. You’re okay now, I promise. I’m gonna drive real careful back home, okay?” And you nodded again. 

The light had long since turned green, but Hawkins was a small enough town that no cars were waiting behind you. True to his word, Eddie slowly pressed the gas pedal and drove you to his trailer, even staying below the speed limit and taking all the turns as carefully as he could. When he pulled into his parking spot, he did it ever so slowly so as not to jerk you around. He put the vehicle in park and unstrapped his seatbelt, hopping out and jogging over to your door. Without needing to be asked, he unbuckled your seatbelt and took you in his arms, helping you onto the ground. He walked you to the door of the trailer, fishing his key out of his jacket pocket and unlocking it with one hand, the other gripping yours nearly as tightly as you’d been clutching the car door.

When you reached his room at the end of the trailer, he let go of your hand, and already you missed his touch. But he was only gone for a moment, having to let you go so he could get the shoebox out from under his bed, the shoebox that contained your little gear. A pacifier, a big thick blanket, and a soft but matted teddy bear. It had been Eddie’s when he was a kid, protecting him from nightmares and bullies, and now he trusted the bear to watch over you too. He handed it to you, then offered the paci which you took, and then wrapped the blanket over your shoulders. Your eyes drooped, already exhausted from your meltdown and the long day leading up to it. Eddie sat on the bed and patted the spot next to him. You wasted no time, instantly positioning yourself in that familiar embrace, his scent of hairspray and stale smoke calming every nerve in your body. You knew it in your heart, as long as you had your Eddie, as long as you had your love, everything was okay.

1,041 notes - Posted June 30, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[icaruskey]

I can't sleep.

I'm so frustrated with my inability to do things. I don't know if it's executive dysfunction or bad luck or some combination of all of the above but I had several hours in which I could've done things but my phone's camera stopped working (again) and so because I couldn't work on my website or documenting work for class I just. Did nothing.

Could I have worked on my prospectus or put text on the website? Of course I could. How about that dumbass zine neither Jessie nor I have had time or energy to make? Yep, could've done that. But I haven't.

And I'm just so. Angry with my bookbinding professor. It already rubs me the wrong way that she'll ignore what I say to give me the same advice over and over, say the same unhelpful shit like it's going to make a difference to what I'm currently doing? The worst of it was when I would complain about people misgendering me, and she always said the same thing "it takes time for people to get used to it" ma'am these are random customers in the checkout and I have no tits. They don't have to call me shit!

I did eventually snap at that. I still have my temper, buried as it is under everything else. And I snapped today when she decided to fucking take my shitty little zine from the show and use it to say "this isn't you"

As though I've not had someone take shit from where it was meant to be and move it "for me" without bothering to tell me. And when I called her out on that, it was, oh I've had people take things too. And when I pushed back on that, that she could've emailed me, she straight up said that I came into her classroom with headphones on and blah blah blah it was fucking 30+ minutes before class and no one bothers to see if they've got my attention before trying to talk anyway. It wasn't *her* classroom and she had made it clear the previous week that it wasn't going to be a regular class anyway.

And it's not like I don't know it's shit. I hate it. It was only in the show because it was listed on the artist statement. "Well you didn't have to include it" it's going to be critiqued anyway. Just fucking. Shut up. I don't care. I know it is bad and I know I need to fix it but I did what I did and my work is never going to be good anyway so why fucking bother. I don't need it beat into my head that something is bad when I already know it is.

People act like I can't take critique just because I'll push back on some statements, that I don't. Adapt and change as needed. It makes me furious that they think I'm not listening because I fucking am, okay! Oh, Icarus got frustrated that this guest critique said to remove the f-holes and defended the historical ties to Man Ray's work, oh Icarus doesn't like having his shitty zine stolen and flaunted around like he isn't aware it's shit and he just hasn't had the time or energy to figure out a way to fix it or get it reprinted. Like maybe, just maybe there is some critique that's shit. And some critique that is rubbing salt in the wound and utterly unnecessary when you have to steal the person's work in the first place.

I only even bothered to make it as it is because it's due for class tomorrow and the undergrads wouldn't know a good zine format from their own assholes so it was just something quick to tide me over until I can make something a little better tomorrow afternoon to document.

How is it supposed to make me feel anyway, having that thrown about like "this isn't you"

It is me. It's a shitty little zine about the day I took all my meds for the week at once and then slept for nearly three days straight because I just don't want to be alive. It's poorly made just like all my prototypes are.

Speaking of "this is why you make dummies" ma'am I made so many fucking dummies and with my materials and you are literally holding one IN YOUR HANDS SHUT UP.

Sometimes I think she in particular forgets that the first year is about exploration and learning what you need to work on and guess what? I've learned a whole fucking lot and I'm even semi-proud of this book. And now I'll remember to include bleed into my linocuts and to print my text before carving my type.

I feel a little better typing this out but not much. This is one of those things I would've vented off to Brier if we were still together and they'd tell me what movie they'd been watching during work that day and I'd eventually calm down and do my schoolwork while they drew.

But they're gone and I can't exactly talk to the people on Bumble about this because who wants to deal with all of this? I don't even want to deal with it. I'm just so tired.

[uncle-fruity]

Look. I went through a very significant period of burnout, and part of that burnout was the pressure of having to be Constantly Available to people online. So much so that it (among other things) contributed to the trauma that made me leave a lot of social media sites forever. I didn't want to seem like I didn't care when I was physically/emotionally/mentally unable to answer my friends! I stressed over this and went out of my way to respond to texts and DMs and everything else at a detriment to my mental health and my general wellbeing. It was hard to "turn off" with my anxiety that everyone would think I was ghosting them or ignoring them out of neglect for our friendship. But, like, texting takes time and energy! Writing a message takes time and energy! Assuring someone that I'm just tired and need a break takes time and energy! And if five people are looking to chat with me, it takes 5 times as long to respond to them that I'm unavailable to do so. It was completely overwhelming.

So, not wanting to continue overextending myself and not wanting to give my loved ones the wrong idea, I came up with a solution that has worked well for me. I *always* tell people up front that it can take me awhile to respond to things, and that it's never personal. That it's okay to text me multiple times if they have stuff to say, because it will sometimes take me days or weeks to respond (no, literally), but that I do usually screen my messages to make sure I'm not missing something time sensitive. If it's an emergency, they should say so or they should call me directly. And that they should let me know if my silence is upsetting them or if they feel like it's personal so we can talk and I can reassure them of their importance in my life.

And you know what? Directly communicating that I have trouble answering messages immediately has helped me tremendously with that anxiety, that feeling of obligation, AND with my friends' feelings surrounding it. I explain that it's usually because of executive dysfunction or because I'm overwhelmed/overstimulated or because sometimes I genuinely do not look at my phone/messages for hours at a time because I prefer to be present with the people & things physically around me (something that most people who have spent time with me know about me because I am present with them & not always looking at my phone). Not only that, but I stress to them that I will never hold it against them if they can't get back to me immediately. They don't have to apologize if it's been a couple days. They don't have to explain themselves unless they want to.

This has worked well for me in general. There are always gonna be people who distrust your explanations or who are going to conveniently forget what you told them and take it personally, but honestly? I told them what to expect and I told them why to expect it and I invited them to tell me if it was ever affecting their emotions. At that point, if someone is mad at me for being active online and not actively talking to them, that's kind of a them problem that they should talk to someone about. No one is entitled to your time! And the people who can't understand your need for personal time and who get angry when you set boundaries & expectations are often not the people you really want to be going out of your way for anyway.

So, yeah. It is my recommendation that y'all should talk to the people you love about your messaging habits/limits/boundaries before it becomes a problem at all, epsecially if you're someone like me who really cannot handle constant communication. It's totally fair that you might not be capable of responding, or just might not want to right at that moment. The reasons people project onto your behavior without even talking to you about it are THEIR problem to figure out, not yours to fix. But the people who love you and understand the issue will give you the space you need without feeling like it's a them problem. It also helped me stop assuming that all my friends secretly hated me for something I found extremely difficult/impossible to keep up with.

Just some lived experience & advice! Take it or leave it~ and best of luck to y'all out there trying to navigate tricky social situations when all you need is to dissociate for a couple hours 💜 I feel for you & I love you.

People don’t owe you their downtime! And I don’t mean this in a harsh way, but in a “quit breaking your own heart” way.

It’s so easy to see a friend “active” and reblogging on tumblr, or maybe making a status update on Facebook and feel hurt they haven’t replied to our messages.

Different things take different energy. And someone being “online” but not actively talking to you does not mean they no longer love or care about you.

[starfruitgirlie]

anti-depression/anxiety/adhd

what's up gamers, I've made a post before about combatting executive dysfunction and I was inspired to make an addition to it.

I am NOT a mental health professional, I am 17, the definition of stupid. However, I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and ADHD and I have been 13-14 before so I have been there and done that. If I can make anyone's life a bit easier I want to. I also feel like at that age I didn't like hearing mental health advice from adults. I felt like they didn't really understand me and they didn't fully realize what I was going through. Before I age out of understanding how sucky being a teenager is, I want to pass on this information. I am also still learning and improving so this is also for me.

DISCLAIMER!!!! I am prescribed medication to help with my mental illness, tips gotten from strangers online cannot replace the help of a mental health professional. I believe this information would be useful only to those who want tips along with the professional help they receive. Ik this is long, I just don't want anybody to think that mental illness is something that you can turn on and off and that simply establishing a routine will fix it. reach out to your school counselor or a trusted adult first and not the internet.

do things out of spite/a challenge. I grew up a pretty competitive kid so if anybody said "psh wanna bet?" all prior apathy evaporated from my body and I was determined to prove them wrong. When I put this into use it's usually like "I bet you can't put away all that laundry in 30 minutes" or "of course I can clean this bathroom I'll do it super awesome and it'll be the best cleanest bathroom ever". I advise though, DON'T MAKE IT A DIG AT YOURSELF OR BULLY YOURSELF INTO DOING THINGS IT DOESN'T WORK!! Ex: don't say "you can't even brush your teeth I bet you won't get up to do it" that just makes you feel bad. Instead you can trade this for a reward system. I keep smarties in my room as a sort of dog treat system for myself. I did something good, I can have it. What stops me from eating it without any prior circumstances is the fact I am challenging myself and I would see it as a reward I didn't earn. This appeals to my executive dysfunction and ADHD

this one is more ADHD specific but a lot of the times there will be small chores around the house I need to get done like oh I need to take that laundry down to my room or oh I need to bring that cup to the kitchen. 99% of the time I am kidding myself when I say "i'll remember to do it later". no you won't. Instead, the second I see it, I just do it. It's not the most efficient way to get things done, but I find once I'm in the zone and I've done a task I can do more tasks. No matter what I'm doing if I see a bottle, I just get up and take it to the kitchen. Doesn't matter if I was doing homework, I thought about the task so I am going to do it before I can forget about it and then consequentially feel bad about not doing it later.

routine. my mom told me so many times to establish a routine because it would make me feel better and because she told me to do it I didn't want to. It felt stupid like that's not going to make me feel better. unfortunately, it does help. humans are a lot more dumb than we think and we thrive off of routine and when our brains associate something with time of day, it can remarkably change your productivity and your health. What got me to do it was stupid but, acting like I was a youtuber doing a nightly routine. youtubers don't show themselves scrolling on the couch or falling asleep without brushing their teeth, they have a system and they do all the steps. I get out my phone and record myself for an imaginary audience, the whole "what's up guys welcome back here is my nightly routine". It's easier to do it now without my phone because It's becoming habit, but having an imaginary audience helped motivate me to start. It also just makes me feel more prepared to sleep. When I do the tasks my brain associates that are right before I sleep, I will be able to fall asleep easier.

4. so as a younger teen my parents put a restriction on my phone so I couldn't be on any app besides call or text past 10pm (which I still have but mostly because I never asked them to take it off and bc I have no sense of time). initially, this was annoying but this was a lifesaver for my sleep schedule (but I can never admit that to them because they can't think that they are right). The only time it was inconvenient for me was when I was working late shifts at work and I couldn't google or see the weather. If your parents/guardians don't do this for your phone, do it yourself! AND PUT IN A SCREENTIME PASSWORD! Make it a random set of numbers that aren't connected to any passwords or series of numbers you use regularly. make it random and then write it down and put it in a drawer under a notebook. When the time comes you will want to keep scrolling but then you won't remember the password. if you're anything like me you'll be too lazy to go get it and you might as well just get ready for bed. As a 13 year old I despised the stupid restrictions and I thought I could manage it on my own. I had the power to yeah, but with recovering and managing mental illness it would be tough, so having an outside force helped

5. This might be a personal thing, but I can never remember to manage my tasks when I record them digitally. I always have to write out a physical copy in my notebook or on a sticky note. The act of writing it out for some reason helps me retain the information more and its not on my phone where there are a million other shapes and colors to distract me

6. talk to yourself. here me out okay, being in your head can make you feel insane and your thoughts are all over the place. I find that talking outloud to myself (when I'm alone of course) helps a lot. Even if it's just a sentence it can help. Chatting to yourself like you're your own friend is awesome for self image. I realized a lot of the pressures I was putting on myself I would not put on my friends. Why do I have to be this level of acceptable when I love my friend regardless if she got a good grade on that test? I know it sounds cringe but to be cringe is to be free and the sooner you realize this the less awful highschool will be.

this was already super long but I feel like It's hard to condense this without properly conveying my message also I am lazy and I don't edit my posts

I hope someone found this useful! being a teenager with mental illness can suck so hard and I want to make it better. I was 13 in 2020, I have been through it.