#if things go well who know maybe i could go to a psychologist instead one day

[itsays]

ok guys i have an announcement. i will tell my psychiatrist on our next session that im ready to quit my meds but not therapy

[queen-of-the-avengers]

Three Rules

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~2k

Warnings: being in an abusive relationship, domestic violence, covering up bruises (nothing is ever explicit, just talked about), minor fluff at the end

Summary: Bucky Barnes has been assigned to you as a way to overcome his feelings and separate himself from the Winter Solider. You're his saving grace and maybe, he can be yours.

Squares Filled: "need a medic?" (2021) @star-spangled-bingo

Author’s Note: any and all comments are appreciated <3

x

The mirror above the steering wheel is so tiny but it’ll have to do since you don’t have your big mirror in your purse this time. You make sure your makeup is good enough to last the whole day, and more importantly, to keep what’s underneath hidden from everyone else. You don’t know what you’d do if people found out about your home life.

When you deem yourself okay, you grab your things and head straight to work. Your assistant, Carly, greets you with a friendly smile and a cup of coffee.

“Good morning, boss!”

“Morning. Who do we have on the books today?”

“The only one is Bucky Barnes.”

“Great. Send him in as soon as he gets here.”

“Sure.”

You walk into your office and make sure everything you need for today’s session is in front of you. Bucky Barnes has only been seeing you for a couple of months so it’s still so new to either of you. You're a well-respected psychologist who had many clients, but you never thought you’d be seeing the former Winter Soldier.

You’ve heard the stories. You know what he’s done but he’s trying to atone for his mistakes. One of the important ways he’s going to do that is if you give him the chance to. He’s been respectful of you even though he’s closed off. Someone like him who experienced the torture he’s been through isn’t going to open up easily. It’s hard getting him to talk about himself but you’re hoping that if you start from before Hydra it will get him to open up to you a lot more.

His appointment is in a couple of minutes so you check yourself using your desk mirror to make sure everything still looks the same.

“Boss, Mr. Barnes is here,” Carly says through the phone intercom.

“Send him in.” The door opens and Bucky walks in with an uncertain look in his eyes. You give him a small yet friendly smile to ease his concerns. “Hello, Mr. Barnes. Please, have a seat.”

“Please, call me Bucky.”

“Okay, Bucky.” He sits down on the couch across from your desk. “How was your week?” He shrugs in response. “Did you do anything special?”

“I spent time with Sam and his family.”

“How did that make you feel? Did you like it?”

“It was alright,” he sighs.

“Did you uphold your three rules?”

Rule #1: Don’t do anything illegal. Rule #2: Don’t hurt anyone. Rule #3: Introduce himself as James Barnes instead of Bucky, formerly the Winter Solider.

“Yes.”

“That’s good. I’m proud of the progress you’ve made since seeing me. Is there anything you’d like to talk about specifically that happened this week?”

“No.”

He can’t seem to look at you. He’s talking to you, that’s a plus, even though he’s only giving you one-syllable words.

“Bucky, if this is going to work, I need you to try here. I’m not asking you to write me a novel about your life. I’m asking you to give a little. Can you do that for me?” you ask in a gentle tone.

“Okay,” he sighs and looks into your eyes. “I’ll try.”

“What would you like to talk about?”

“Steve.”

“What about Steve?” Bucky looks like he wants to cry. Anything about Steve makes him question everything about him. He left Bucky. He left everyone behind to start a life in another timeline. “This is a safe space. Everything you’re feeling is valid, Bucky. When you’re ready, I’d love to hear what you have to say.”

It takes him ten long minutes to find the courage to talk and when he does, he can’t look at you.

“What if Steve was wrong about me? I was under Hydra’s influence when we crossed paths again, and he did everything he could to save me. He even brought me to Wakanda to get that shit out of my head. What if it’s still there? What if they say those words again and I’m back to being the Winter Soldier? Sometimes I don’t think I’m worth saving.”

You want to cry for him. He is so badly damaged that it will take a long time if not the rest of his life to be okay again. He might have happy moments here and there, but those fears will always be there. You have to choose your words carefully.

“It’s hard to see the good in someone who has done bad, but that doesn’t make you a bad person. Steve remembered his best friend and knew the kind of person he was. Steve remembered something in you that is still true to this day.”

“What?” he asks and looks up at you with hints of tears in his eyes.

“I see a man trying to do good, to atone for his mistakes, and I think that’s someone worth saving. Steve saw it, too.” A single tear escapes his eyes but he doesn’t wipe it away. “If you are who you think you are, you wouldn’t feel remorse for what they did to you. The fact that you do shows me that you’re more than what they put in your head. You’re trying to do good with the bad you’ve been given, and that’s not a bad person.”

You’ve made excellent progress with Bucky this session, and you think the next one is going to go by just as smoothly. He only gets an hour but you make the most of the rest of the hour.

“The same time next week?” you ask.

“I’ll see you then, Doc,” Bucky smiles and leaves your office.

With each passing session, you and Bucky form a stronger bond until he realizes he looks forward to being with you. You make his day a bit brighter but the last thing he is gonna do is tell you that. You’d never have romantic relations with a client but you can’t say the same once they no longer are your clients.

You show up to work one week dabbing makeup on your face while driving. You’re on the phone with your husband. He isn’t on speakerphone and your phone is resting in one of the cup holders, but you can still hear every word he is saying as clear as day. He is yelling that loudly at you. You forgot to do the dishes before you left for work and now he is telling you what a burden you are, how much he hates you, and that you’re useless…

…and those are the nice things.

“Baby, I was running late this morning. I’m sorry,” you sigh and pick up the phone.

“I will deal with you later,” he growls and hangs up the phone.

You’d cry but then you’d ruin your makeup, and you’re already at work. You push down your feelings about your abusive husband and walk into work. You gasp at how hot it is, and you look at your assistant who has her work jacket off.

“What is going on in here? Why is it so hot?”

“The air conditioning is broken but someone is coming to look at it later.”

“Fine,” you sigh. “How many today?”

“Three.”

“Send them through.”

You get through the first two clients with as few problems as possible but by the time Bucky comes in, you’re almost about to break. You're tired, your face is pulsing with pain, your makeup feels like cake at this point, and you don’t know how much longer you can stand sitting in the heat.

“Hi, Bucky. Please have a seat,” you greet. He sees the immediate shift in your behavior and you’ve only said six words to him. “I’d like to start this session by talking about last week. You said something about taking a trip with Sam, right? How did that go?”

“Are you okay?” he asks.

“Bucky, we’re here to talk about you, not me.”

Bucky has to let it go for right now but he can’t when you wipe your face to clear the sweat. You forget that you have makeup on otherwise you wouldn’t have wiped your face with your handkerchief. It’s not entirely present but Bucky knows a bruise when he sees one, and you have a dark one near your eye.

“Need a medic?”

“I’m fine. I fell.”

“I’ve fallen plenty of times. I’ve gotten hit enough times to know a bruise caused by a punch when I see one.”

“Bucky, please. Drop it. We’re not here to talk about me.”

Bucky notices you play with your wedding ring nervously whenever the spotlight is on you. He’s not stupid. He knows exactly what’s been happening here. For your sake, he lets it go. The session is cut short due to Bucky needing to be somewhere, and you made it clear he is still getting charged the full hour whether he uses it or not. He was fine with it so you moved on with three other clients after him.

The air conditioning was fixed after the first client, so you redid your makeup in the bathroom to be more presentable. It’s late when you finish with your last client, and you curse at the time. Your husband is going to kill you if you’re late again. You gather your things and rush out of your office, but Carly stops you before you can get far.

“Listen, I’m running late, so can you--”

“The police called earlier. I told them you were with a client and they asked if you could call them back. They said it was urgent.”

“Oh, okay,” you stutter. She hands you her phone after redialing the last number called. “Hi, my name is Y/N. My assistant got a call earlier?” You hear the words they’re saying but your brain isn’t processing them. “Wait, I’m sorry, he’s what?”

“Your husband is dead, ma’am. I’m very sorry for your loss.”

“How? When? I just talked to him this morning.”

“My guess is that he’s been dead for maybe four hours. He died from a severe beating and blunt-force trauma to the head.”

All you hear them saying is that you’re free. You’re finally free. No more pain. You’re not sure who killed your husband because he didn’t have a lot of enemies. Despite how he treated you, he was very charming to everyone else. He put up this facade that made him look like a saint when really, he was the devil.

When you show up to work the next week, your hair is pinned up, you have light makeup on, a nice outfit, and your heart is light. You’ve never been happier now that your husband is out of the picture. He was a wealthy man, so you got all of his money to use how you see fit. He was so horrible to you so maybe his money will bring some happiness to people when you donate a chunk to different charities.

Bucky shows up right on time, and you give him a smile when he enters your room. You look down and notice some bruising and scabs on his knuckles, and if his metal hand could scar as easily as flesh, he’d have scars there, too.

“Have a seat, Bucky.”

“You look happier.”

You chuckle in amusement. You look Carly through the small glass window who is busy taking calls for you to listen to later. You look back at Bucky who raises his eyebrows in question.

“The following conversation didn’t happen.” He nods in understanding. “My husband is dead. Someone killed him.”

Bucky doesn’t say anything for a long five minutes.

“Did he deserve it?”

“Yes.”

“Then don’t worry about it.”

“Did you break rule number two?”

“I might have,” he smiles, “but I had a really good reason.”

“What reason is that?” you ask and sit back.

“There’s this woman I know, and for the first time since I met her, she actually had a genuine smile on her face… and it is gorgeous. I guess her husband didn’t know what he had when he had her.”

You smile at Bucky.

“No, he didn’t.”

x

Follow my library blog @aqueenslibrary​​​​​​ where I reblog all my stories, so you can put notifications on there without the extra stuff :)

[massivechildtidalwave]

Interesting prompts involving KHR in case anyone wants to use them. KHR X DP edition

This is part one there will be more. Feel free to use just tag me if possible so I can read them.

After a reveal gone wrong Jazz takes Danny and runs to Italy to escape their parents. (she took Italian for curiosity sake and it makes sense for her to go a area who’s language she could speak). Tucker and Sam help with the escape but because all of them leaving would be weird and raise questions they don’t need, are forced to wait until the end of the school year to join them.

Jazz takes the easiest job she could find that makes money because she’s not relying on her brothers best friends family money even if Sam insists, with Tucker giving school information to get through the required bits as quickly as possible. She lands on a high paying customer service job like hairdressing or

Tucker also gives them fake identification just to make sure the government can’t find them and force them back to the Fentons.

whoops! Some members of the Varia frequents the place that she works and are suspicious. (She is way to capable for the job, No CIVILIAN should be able to catch Bels knifes, do hair to perfection and still have time to coo at a cat from across the street while being completely unfazed by the KNIFE they just had to dodge. It’s just something that doesn’t happen.)

Something is clearly not right with Jazz Nightengale, they just know it! Whoever did the background check is getting fired!

Meanwhile with Jazz, she’s doing her best to be normal but she was born a Fenton and there is just a amount of insanity that is tied to that family no matter the legal connection.

Everything Danny learned came from her and I feel like she’s the kind of kid to have picked up knife tricks or random weaponry for the “experience”

Danny is healing, he’s doing online school, she has a well paying job and is going back to school to become either a psychologist or a therapist. In her mind everything is fine.

(Tucker is the kind of kid who breaks into government documents for fun with outdated technology, he could absolutely get his own handmade documents past Varia inspection, he was making them with the intention of them holding up to government scrutiny and is best friends with Sam. )

(Jazz lived in a murder house her entire life while basically parenting Danny, not only can she multitask she is also Flame Active. However I think she would instinctive hide her Flames because of how ‘unnatural powers’ have been handled in her family. I’d place her as either a Rain or a Cloud depending on how well she is mentally after escaping with Danny. This could lead to Cloud Gaurdian Jazz.)

🦋🦋🦋

For Angst or Hurt/Comfort lovers

Danny as Verde could lead to some interesting angst. Maybe Dani needed some help keeping her form and he went into science, maybe we threw himself into science after a Nasty Burger explosion to avoid becoming like Dan, or maybe he had to quickly find a way to earn money after a Reveal gone wrong and decided to use what he knew about technology from his parents to make things for selling.

Of course once he had money he could experiment a little bit. slowly making more and more things based on his interests instead of just for money. However it slowly gets darker as he makes slightly more unhinged experiments with different methods to explain them.

He wants to create a new better prosthetic out of boredom but doesn’t have any one to give him feedback, until he runs into someone attacking someone else. He saves the injured person but their arm is pretty messed up, he might have to remove it. And his prototype is an arm prosthetic so might as well get that feedback!

He remembers his parents muzzles quite well and makes a more horrible version after a nightmare as a way to help get his footing back. “If someone can get out of this, I have no reason to fear their variation of them because I could probably get out of them too! And I recently had to help someone escape an abusive ex so we already have a willing test subject!”

Just him justifying his projects as they get closer and closer to things his parents would have come up with, without noticing or acknowledging that that was what was happening.

The earth shattering revelation when he’s sitting on the ground recovering from an experiment on how to grow back to how he was before the curse, because he had no other lab rat to test it on, and slowly realizing that he’s acting like his parents.

That his fellow Arcobaleno aren’t just distrustful of him and his experiments because he is a stranger to them but that they slightly fear him.

The realization that they only come to him when desperate for an answer. Figuring out that he knows the least about the others not because he is busy but because they do not fully trust him enough to stay around him long enough to give him that information….

Verde, who used to spend countless nights protecting people so much it became an obsession before the accident and his core turned to discovery and the stars, isn’t sure how to fix this.

He gathers the Arcobaleno after making sure the cure works, sits through a meeting full of suspicion he had to talk his way through, slides the case holding the cure into the table and leaves for his labs. The labs he needs to throughly clean and bleach and sort through to make sure all his projects aren’t as bad as they were before, but at this point he had no clue what is supposed to be morally correct to him at this point.

The Arcobaleno are left confused. Verde was doing his mad scientist shit with the cure but he was acting…weird. Weirder than normal, he didn’t demand anything for the cure, nor did he stay to monitor the effects for *science* like he always did for projects like this. He was acting weird enough Skull even went to the lab they knew he was in and tried to talk to him. They were fully expecting him to get pulled into an experiment but Verde just yelled at him to go away.

He sounded panicked. What the fuck was going on with their resident scientist.

[kineticallyanywhere]

Matt "I can and will remind everyone that Link is REALLY wierd about Normal with like no real explination at this point" Arnold out here like "let me see if I can underminine my entire point in this character arc defining interaction" and I unironically love him for it Link is SUCH a messy b word rn

(this turned into a long response, let's talk Fascinating Character Flaws!)

I dont think it's so much that he's weird about Normal, if I'm understanding what you mean by 'weird', especially in this episode. I feel like it circles back to what I keep thinking about, which is his newest teen fact. the one where he-- does this count as poisoning? he made other children ill in a fit of jealousy for anyone having any time with his dads.

listen, I've had many homeschooled friends. At one point in college I was the "actually went to public school" member of the friend group. People can go in and out of homeschooling and be... not whatever the heck Link has going on. I was excited for him when that fact started, like, "oh he was part of a cohort!" until uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!

(the following are thoughts that I'm still developing in my head as I type and probably after I post)

whether it's due to the overprotective parenting or just Link's nature or a Symptom of a Condition (op has their own Condition but is not a psychologist) Link's got an issue with like. not getting what he wants? not usually in super obvious ways, it's not spelled out, he doesn't throw tantrums or anything. unless you count the thing at Normal about Normal not wanting to do "cool plans." and most of the time he doesn't want anything complicated, his wants have been pretty straight forward and in line with what anyone would want in these circumstances. he wants people to not die is the big major one, he wants to not feel betrayed again, he wants his friends to stop fighting, he wants to get this over with NOW. and he's been going through so much of not getting what he wants (COMPLETELY REASONABLE THINGS TO WANT, IN THIS CASE. TRAUMATIC THINGS TO NOT GET) that he seems to not know what he wants at all anymore.

like, his understanding of the world has been rocked so bad that he's pretty sure all those things I just listed just aren't things he can have. in the past whenever he needled his parents or acted out or did certain things he'd get what he wanted. not to say that he's spoiled but uh... okay yeah I am saying that a bit. but mostly in the ways that it keeps him from developing the coping mechanisms for when you ask something from life and it punches you in the teeth instead.

So in a world where he doesn't know how to get what he wants and maybe he isn't sure what he even can want, he's kinda just shutting down internally. In the mean time, he may as well make sure his friends get what they want, and then maybe at some point he'll want something again. so, in a way, what he wants is to feel and want something, so that "wants what he wants" part of him snapped out again at Normal with "well at least you're feeling something." in other words, "you have the thing that I want right now, and I'm gonna sound pretty bitter about not having it myself" which is an effed up thing to say when that thing he's having is a mental breakdown.

Link. Buddy. Bud. Kiddo. Pal. you need Help.

tl;dr and conclusion: imo for their mental health the party should split into Link & Taylor and Scary & Normal again for an episode or two. Norm and Scary for hopefully obvious reasons; and Link and Taylor because while Taylor is unquestionably a rich kid spoiled for material goods who is very good at wanting things, he is also a kid who's mom knows how to say "No. Absolutely Not. Give me the knife right now I don't care what seppuku is" and who's dad left an emotional void for over a decade that he is clearly adept in coping with and he could give Link some pointers.

also because it would be a cool callback and parallel to early episodes to do those pairs again. see how they've changed and stuff

[copperbadge]

As a writer with ADHD who has gone to therapy for years, it has actually been very helpful in gaining tools to sort of "manually" emotionally regulate. My therapist says that writing fiction is a great tool to practice having emotions and regulating them, but like you I struggled with real-life negative emotions, especially a sudden unexpected one. The aftershocks could go on for days. It's had a really positive effect on my life and my relationships, and even my self-esteem. Hope this is useful

Okay, so this is interesting, because we've been talking in the comments of the post about what therapy is or can do, and I think I got stuck a bit backwards in terms of like "This technique doesn't seem like it would work on me regardless."

Because part of it is that I don't want to tell someone what won't work for me if I also don't actually have any kind of goal -- saying "I don't know why I'm here and also I'm going to fight you" is like...one, rude, and two, well then what are we even doing, you know? Why waste the time, I don't enjoy fighting with psychologists. If I don't want to do most of what it entails AND I don't have a reason to go, then therapy's just, you know, not for me. Which is fine, but I'd like to commit to either trying it out or ignoring it, instead of this endless circular motion, which bogged me down a bit in the post.

But if we backtrack to actually having a goal, then yeah, okay, more regulation would not be a bad one. I don't know that I believe it's possible given the only thing I've found that works is, uh, prescription amphetamines, and even then in very limited application, but again: haven't been to therapy in twenty-five years. So while I immediately know many things that wouldn't work, saying "I was diagnosed with ADHD recently and apparently emotional dysregulation is a thing, I've mostly fixed it but maybe there's something that could fix it more" might work. It sounds better than "I don't like this emotion and would like to know how to stop feeling it" anyway, even if the point is the same. And my meds psych is likely to be knowledgeable about specific people who might help me, when put like that.

I keep forgetting my next appointment with him is actually going to be in-person -- they're starting to adjust telehealth rules regarding controlled substance prescription, so he's supposed to get face-to-face with me at least every six months. I like him and trust him but every time I see that "in person" note on my calendar it zaps me back to being a teenager and experiencing the Weekly Dread of the Feelings Hour again. His extremely firm boundaries about Not Being My Therapist and the fact that I'm also kind of pleased to be able to meet him in person are keeping me from cancelling the appointment, at least. And my awkwardness on video calls has already prepared him to deal with Anxious Sam in person, so hopefully nothing will seem amiss.

[diy-fire-water-pups]

Can yall send me encouragement. I recently relapsed in self in*ury and I’m struggling trying to stay clean again

Dude, why would someone do that?!? It makes no sense!!!

Some people feel bad to the point they think they deserve nothing but pain, or something like that... I read about it when I was studying possible cases I could maybe be called for as an EMT.

Still doesn't make any sense to me, that's so untrue!! Why would someone believe that?? I mean, not even bad people deserve anything like that. You shouldn't mistreat yourself like that, Anon!

I don't even know what to say. That caught me completely off guard. I'm not able to process this.

Well... What I can say for now is that it's not worth it. If you're already suffering due to something else, when you do that you just add even more to it, instead of making things better for yourself.

First of all, you need professional help in person, there's not much I could possibly do from over here and I'm just a first responder EMT, not an actual psychologist or psychiatrist. Second, a wrong move and you'll just create even more trouble for yourself and everyone else around you, especially the ones you care about and those who care about you, which is certainly not what you're looking for. Keep that in mind. If not for yourself, then don't do it for them.

Last, but not least, leave everything that can be harmful absolutely out of your reach. Make it all very hard to get, with as many obstacles as you can ever come up with, like it's the most cursed ancient artifact ever created, which no one should not even take a quick glance at. Just the huge trouble and long time spent to get to it should give enough time for your mind to distract with anything else and give up in the meantime. Work some laziness to your favor!

There are alternatives which won't get you in trouble and will keep you clean, if it comes down to it. Play with some ice cubes, or scribble angry or sad stuff down in a paper, then rip it and throw it away. Writing down all your thoughts and then getting rid of the paper with them is good too. It's all psychological play, and you can play this to your favor as well.

Always remember: Your body is yours, you own your thoughts, not the other way around! This is the only body you have, you can't move to a different one if it breaks down, so take good care of it!

Go for a walk around the block where you live. It doesn't need to be a fancy walk in a fancy place like in the movies, just around the block is already something! Sit under the sun for a while - don't forget a sunscreen! Feel the warmth of it. Stand in the rain for a couple minutes and then have a nice warm shower, wrap yourself in comfy blankets and go watch some cartoon that makes you happy. Forget complicated series or movies, go for the easy to understand stuff, preferably something you've already watched before, because as you already know how it ends, you won't work yourself into anxiety by wondering what's coming next. Your brain needs some down time too! Get yourself a tasty snack. Stop checking the news about the world for a while, most of them are currently tragic and you need some "you time", get it? Call a friend over to just spend time together, play a light game (avoid online games with toxic players), or go over to someone else's house. Changing the air you breathe and seeing different things is always good for getting those thoughts out of your mind too, as it'll get you distracted.

There are just lots of simple things you can do and enjoy, rather than wasting time with that. Sometimes even just sleeping through an entire day is a good start, just don't stay in bed forever, otherwise it might go up to a depressing level! Make good and necessary things easier for yourself, like leaving a water bottle somewhere next to your bed or desk, so you don't need to go all the way to the kitchen for some water. Gotta stay hydrated or your brain will start eating itself out!

Wait, that actually happens?

Sort of. The cells shrink when they're dehydrated and it causes damage to cognitive functions, memory loss, brain fog, stuff like that. You can't think clearly, nor make clear decisions at all. And no, Zuma, salt water doesn't count as keeping yourself hydrated, before you even ask. The salt absorbs the water in your body and the effects will be even worse if you don't get yourself some fresh water constantly.

No wonder Ryder always made me carry a big water bottle in my hovercraft. Anyway, I hope you'll feel better soon, Anon. I don't know if it's any help at all, but I like to remember that after every bad storm, there's always a rainbow to appreciate. And even when the storm takes a very long time to pass, you can remember that above it, there's no storm at all, it's all peace and quiet above the stormy clouds. It's like that one song... "Behind the clouds, the sun is shining! Believe me, even though you can't quite make it out! You may not see the silver lining, but there's a big blue sky waiting right behind the clouds!"

Wow, you got Zuma to sing just like that. Anyway, same here, I hope you'll get help and recover well. That's totally messed up... Please don't do that ever again, stop lying to yourself to such a point!

[drpoisonoaky]

A good psychologist is hard to find especially when you’re a bat-something. So go to Ivy’s house and pay a visit to the best therapist in Gotham: Harley Quinn

---------[Barbara Gordon]

Harley: Hey Babs.

Babs: Hi.

Harley: You’re are late but damn you look happy.

Babs: Guess therapy is really working.

Harley: Mmm.

Babs: Truly.

Harley: I know I’m good but I’m not that good.

Babs: Harley I don’t know what you are assuming.

Harley: I’m not gonna make you talk if you don’t wanna. But I know why somebody got that smile, you know when me and Ives started to you know I worn the brightest smile that any person coul-

Babs: You know Dick and I aren’t together anymore, right?

Harley: Oh I know, he’s in that weird fase of “all of the redheads are evil” so I connected the dots.

Harley: Now he gets exposure therapy every time Pam opens the door.

Harley: But I had a question though.

Babs: What?

Harley: When you have to go to National city do you call her and she fly you or do you go like a regular person. Cause lemme tell ya Ivy loves the first one sooo much not cause is gayer, which I think gives it extra points, but cause is much better for the environment than plains or cars. Well assuming she doesn’t pollute the air cause we nev-

Babs: I don’t know what you are talking about and I’m here for therapy so…

Harley: I see…

Harley: What time is it? Omg I have to water Ivy’s tomatoes and feed the babies.

Harley: I think we should do your session tomorrow or maybe next week cause you know information is really important and it looks like you don’t wanna talk…

Babs: Are you really postponing my therapy session if I don’t tell you about my love life right now?

Harley: Your neck is cover in hickeys, the rogues are literally shitting their pants cause the super blonde is here and I won’t be able to focus if I don’t know the whole story.

Babs [face completely red]:

Harley: Pretty please?

Babs:

Harley:

Ivy [from other room]: Oh c’mon we want to know don’t be a prick.

Ivy: Especially how you go to National city.

---------[Kara Zor-El Danvers]

Kara: Hi?

Ivy: Shit shit shit I promise that thing with superman only happen once. I was young, I was lost, I have power and you know difficult times.

Kara: Is Harley Quinn here?

Ivy: Oh…she’s good now, I promise. Take me instead I’m more evil yesterday I punched an-

Kara: Oh nonono I’m not here as a hero. I’m here for therapy.

Ivy: Oh thank god.

Harley [who has just enter the room]: RED WHO’S THERE I HAVE MY BAT AND A FICUS!

Kara: Oh hey!

Harley: HOLY MOLLY GUACAMOLLY the super blondie.

Kara: I was talking with batgirl the other day and she talked a lot about how you are helping her. So I thought why don’t you tried what’s the worst could happen.

Harley: I- YES YES YES OF COURSE.

Harley: Wait so Babs thinks I’m good?

Kara: DO YOU KNOW HER REAL IDENTITY?!

Harley: I mean yeah, but I don’t need to know yours no biggie.

Harley: also I assume you know hers cause you and her [lace her finger(same way babs did with her to hint that her and ivy are roommates)] just you know wink wink.

Ivy: Do you just said wink wink instead of saying it?

Harley: It’s more organic.

Kara: Oh well yes and yes she is… awesome.

Harley: So no worries blondie and come here it’s therapy time.

[sophieinwonderland]

Hi, I'm a system and have mutliple other disorders. All "cis" if you will. I'm not here to shame anyone but I would genuinely like to know how this makes sense to you? I want to know your persepctive because I don't understand and maybe I can get some more insight from someone else. I feel invalidated when people talk about endogenic and "transsystems" because my disorder is not an aesthetic and I had to go through so much trauma that turned me into who I am today and not in a good way. It's painful and it hurts when I see people making fun of my experience by saying they've acquired their system "naturally" even though that's not how the disorder works (By "making fun of" I mean that's how it feels). It also feels transphobic to hijack trans wording such as "cis" and "trans" even though disorders are different to gender. Gender is a social construct and disorders are just not. They can't go away, they can't change. I can never get my childhood back and I struggle to be able to be myself with my Autism and ADHD, I find it hard to keep relationships from the immense anxiety I've gotten from my CPTSD symptoms and the chronic mistrust I've had to develop to survive. I guess I just want to ask why? Why you believe in these things? It's not that I hate you, I don't, I genuinely want to understand because currently I feel hurt, and upset, and made fun of in a way I've never felt before and I just want to know the logic and reasoning behind this kind of stuff before I make a judgement.

This is an old post, so it's entirely possible you've already made up your mind on these issue now. But either way, I decided I might as well answer now

Personally, I feel these are different subjects.

First...

Disorders Are a Social Construct

Not in the same way as gender or race, mind you.

Rather, disorders are bureaucratic labels tacked onto symptoms. These symptoms may or may not actually be related.

We live in a universe with DID and OSDD-1 are considered separate disorders. But it doesn't have to be like that. Maybe in another universe, they would be the same disorder.

Or, maybe in one universe, DID wouldn't exist and OSDD-1a and 1b would be two separate disorders, with DID just being the comorbidity between these two things.

Maybe your ADHD would actually be branded as a type of autism, or autism could still be considered a classification of Schizophrenia. Many psychiatrists actually dislike the disorder model, and would prefer focusing on individual symptoms instead.

Also, some disorders can go away, and some disorders can change. Well, the diagnosis will still remain, but that's more another matter of the bureaucracy. If you're depressed for two weeks, you get a diagnosis. Then the symptoms can go away for 30 years, but you'll retain that diagnosis forever.

I Think You Can Experience Dysphoria For Anything

The reason I feel how I do on transX identities is because I've seen people in the plural community with memories of living completely different lives. People who feel uncomfortable with every aspect of the body they inhabit.

I've personally felt inadequate for lacking the intelligence and education of my source.

I know some who feel phantom limb-like experiences relating to parts they never had like wings and tails.

And psychologists have acknowledged and researched BIID, where people will feel like they should have a certain physical condition.

And so I totally believe it's possible to have dysphoria for anything, including mental conditions you don't have. It doesn't make rational sense why someone would want certain conditions, but the brain rarely makes rational sense and it would be a mistake to assume it needs to.

Endogenic Systems Are Different

I don't believe endogenic systems are a result of or related to dysphoria at all, outside of transplurals.

I believe endogenic plurality is a naturally occurring condition. We can see this in the ease of which people are able to divide themselves into parts in Internal Family Systems. The autonomy of imaginary friends as children. And the fact that many unrelated cultures around the world have reported nonpathological spiritual possession through history.

Most endogenic plurality isn't people who feel like they need to be plural or feel dysphoric for being a singlet. It's just a different experience that's been largely ignored by psychology until the past decade.

I've been collecting studies on these various phenomena here:

Personally, I find the imaginary friend studies most interesting. In the past, it was assumed that imaginary friends were purely controlled by the child hosts, but more evidence keeps stacking up showing that this isn't the case and that these are natural fully autonomous agents.

These experiences have been ignored by psychiatry for a long time because they just weren't pathological, and they were hidden enough that psychiatry could dismiss them as just pretend or fake.

[castielspahdehrah]

Post-Therapy Vent

Keep reading or don't. Either is fine, but just know that my therapist gives y'all her seal of approval.

So, I told her about my experience w/coming back to Tumblr and how empty and meaningless it seemed.

First, she was proud of me for being vulnerable enough to take that step of even logging back in. She knows how isolated I've purposely kept myself for a long time now, so the fact I'm even back here and talking to people is a giant leap in the right direction.

Second, I told her what I write and why. Believe it or not, it's not just for the smut lol. The angst stuff I've written was me workin' through things, maybe not specific to my life, but workin' through general pain nonetheless. She said it beats her advising me to start a journal because she can see the value in writing fanfic and bringing about catharsis via fictional characters which is a safer, baby step towards IRL catharsis.

Like you guys have all said, she also hopes I keep my foot in the door, at the very least, because shutting this door and locking it back up now would only unravel the progress I'm making on my own, even without her help. She's told me before it's not so much that I need therapy, per se. I know very well where I stand and I know what's wrong and why it needs fixed. I just need a support system to keep going forward and she'll gladly be that for me.

Now, for the heavy.

When I first started seeing her, I told her I wanted to start fresh. I didn't want to tell her about my past history with therapy; the good, bad, or ugly, and I wanted her to give me her 2 cents after getting to know me. Now, without me ever saying a word, she knew I've already been or damn well should've been diagnosed w/C-PTSD.

She was absolutely correct on that one and I told her that I am ready and willing to do what's necessary to start working through it. She was surprised and impressed that I'm open to EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and/or DBT (Dialectal Behavioral Therapy). I do draw the line with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Group Therapy though. Even without giving my reasoning, she's not a fan of them either, but at this point I'm open to almost anything that will allow me to feel again, instead of shutting down like a damn robot. I don't even care that I could potentially feel 12-24 years of trauma all at once...at least I won't be both numb AND heavy at the same time.

Today, I felt comfortable enough to give her another breadcrumb...a diagnosis I was given at 16 yrs old and believed wholeheartedly that I had up until about 10 yrs ago. Like she said, it's like my symptoms had upended themselves and did a complete 180. Well, not only is that diagnosis "fluid" or "transitional" or can go into "remission" in a sense, it can also exist alongside a diagnosis that my surrogate sister thought I had. This is all to say that she agrees with me that a "re-diagnosis" is in order especially considering it's been 30 fuckin' years since the last one.

So, here's where we stand...

I'm gonna get referred to a psychologist for the "re-diagnosis" testing. In that same building, there should be a psychiatrist who can not only handle the C-PTSD therapy, but take over for my Primary Care Physician and put me on some meds that might actually help me.

Don't get me wrong, my PCP gets major points because he thought ahead enough to do a GeneSight test to see what medications I can metabolize and what ones I can't which is a damn sight better than anyone else has cared to do...however, he still didn't quite pick the right ones, as far as she's concerned.

In the meantime, she wants me to channel my inner nerd and really research my previous diagnoses compared to how I feel now. She's adamant (and correct) that nobody knows my body as well as I do and if I have a general direction to go in, the psychologist that "re-diagnoses" me won't waste anyone's time by looking in the wrong places first.

This is my healing era and it's been a VERY long time coming...but I had to be ready and willing to face it in order for it to do any good. The fact that I recognize this speaks volumes on how much I've already healed and just didn't realize it.

I'm no longer upset with myself for waiting this long to get back into therapy. I'm proud of myself for recognizing that it was finally time.

[citrus-cactus]

For the character ask game - Haru (appmon) 1, 2, 11, 12, 23!

HAAAAAAAARU! THANK YOUUUUU~! <3

The character ask game is here!

1. My first impression of them

Honestly my first impression (from seeing promo images and such posted on this very website!) was something like “Whoa. Clashing colors much?!” So I guess you could say it was not the best 😂

Obviously I got over that, but I did learn recently that trying to apply his color scheme to any other character is still quite a shock! ROTFL Click for proof if you dare!

The rest is cut! For! Spoilers!!!

2. When I think I truly started to like them (or dislike them, if you've sent me a character I don't like)

The first time I watched Appmon, I felt like basically the whole first half of the series was a bit of a crapshoot, quality-wise (not in terms of the animation or anything, but how I felt about it). Like, if you tried to graph my enjoyment of each episode right after I watched it, it would look like a jagged mountain range. The first episode was ok, the second episode was “eh,” the third and fourth episodes was pretty good, the fifth was back to “eh,” etc. I don’t know, pacing and tone and kind of unsympathetic character introductions and it just being “different” were all things that were working against it at that point in my mind, and made me wonder what the writers were really trying to do (honestly, what REALLY sold me on watching Appmon at all was @firstagent’s pitch at a con, which explicitly plugged Offmon and Yuujin’s dynamic!).

(I should say here that despite those rough beginnings, Appmon is probably my favorite Digimon series now, so yeah I take time to warm up to things sometimes but the right combination of factors makes me fall and fall HARD)

All that said, I know exactly when I really start to like Haru, and it was during the third episode (the dungeon one with Roleplaymon). He’s just so excited and happy throughout, while also being a complete nerd, and instead of a big Appmon fight at the end (well, being unable to have one due to an evolution whoopsie), he just talks to Roleplaymon… and it works. That felt kind of revolutionary, and it was the episode that I started to not only understand his character, but (maybe) gain a bigger picture view of the series and what the show was going for. This episode just crystallized a lot of things for me.

Me after episode 3: Haru is kind. Oh, and also he’s my son now, I want to see him grow up strong, I WILL keep watching FOR HIM actually (best decision ever!!) 💖

11. What’s the first thing you think about when thinking about the character?

Joke answer: “Do I need to be working on the blog queue right now, or can I procrastinate a few more days?” 🤔

Real answer: No thoughts anymore, just feelings (rotfl). After watching every episode in order to look at every single shot of Haru and find the very best frames, I can still say definitively that he’s so cute and I love him and all Harus are good Harus 🥺🥺🥺

12. Sexuality hc!

Bisexual! And uh… one specific android-sexual? You cannot deny his crush on Ai, and Haru/Yuujin is so good. They’re one of my OTPs, they’re soulmates (by some definition of the word “soul”), they were made for (and made by) each other, they’re actually making eyes at each other from across the room in my head right now 🤫

23. Future headcanon

Oh, he’s definitely going to be an AI researcher, that much I believe! One who is very literature- and ethics-minded, and thinks a lot about what what “existence” means, and is hyper-aware of beings’ rights and the need to advocate for both humans AND AI, in a world where both appmon and general artificial intelligences actually exist. These beliefs are the cornerstone of his work, regardless of what he actually does with AI. Would he follow in his Grandpa’s footsteps in being an academic designing his own? Maybe borrow a page from Koushiro Izumi’s book and start a company? Or go the Susan Calvin route and become an AI psychologist? Any! All! Idk 🤣

Honestly, so much else about specific future headcanons depends on how you interpret the very last moments of the series (literal or symbolic), and for me it could go either way. I really like interpreting it as literal, if only because it’s such a great hook into the nebulous Appmon Season 2 that exists in my head. Yuujin’s back, but how? Cue mystery and more Appmon shenanigans.

Regardless, I’m most interested in the future where Yuujin comes back in some form at some point during Haru’s lifetime, and no matter how, when, or why that happens it’s going to be a joyous occasion, but also a bit of a rough transition. Yuujin may have changed. Haru may have changed. There would be a LOT anxiety about “is this ok?” and “how do you feel?” and “what does it MEAN that this is how you feel?” and “what does ANY of this mean for us as individuals, and us together?” because it’s all very complicated when you bring the android that was programmed to be your best friend and your ideal version of a person back to life. Is there even a happy ending out there for them? Again, for me it could go either way.

So yeah, a bit rambly, because to me there is no one answer I could ever 100% decide on. They’re all possible. And that’s kind of the great thing about the vagueness of the ending! I will say I like drawing them in happy-ending mode best though, even though I would probably write their future in a way that involves more drama, because it’s way more interesting, and nothing in life is ever that easy (I’m rooting for them though!).

Again, thanks so much for the ask!!

[yoiku]

Man, last week... started off optimistic and ended up in the pits kinda.

We made plans for me to join a 15 month course to find fitting job(s) with the aim of going to said jobs and trying them out. Sounds good and is something i am interested in, but after friday all i've been thinking is that maybe it's too much too soon. I'm still thinking if i can manage 3 days of workshop/week instead of 2... so diving into something that can have 4-5x 6hr days/week is making me very anxious and already feeling bad if I end up not having the energy to do it. I think its the main thing that has dropped my mood bc I know that the chances of me getting a part-time job in any of the fields that interest me and are something i could be able to do physically, is pretty nonexistent. All of those fields have severe oversupply of potential workers against the amount available jobs, in the entire country. So the chances of getting employed as someone who doesn't have any substancial studies in the field, isn't able bodied or mentally okay... Lets just say it isnt exactly an encouraging thought. I just feel like no matter what I am entirely useless when it comes to any employment that i feel i could perhaps be able to do. If an able-bodied, neurotypical and socially capable person with a suitable degree can't get a job in those fields, what are my chances? lol. I dunno. Already feels like a failure if I muster up the courage to say that I feel like I've said OK to things that I'm not actually sure about. I'm sure they'll understand if I say i'd rather focus on getting back into 3 workshop days and trying to progress my rights for therapy for now. I don't know. I feel conflicted with my own thoughts. Part of me thinks I should give it a go even if I drop out - id at least be certain that it was too much. But I also know how heavily dropping out from anything hits me mentally, so i am genuinely afraid of seeing the bottom of the pit again. The psychologist at the current evaluation course did say she thinks taking things as slowly as needed is probably the best for me considering everything they've summed up abt me so far. I'll try to talk about it at least.

On a less depressing note, the results from the various psych/neuro tests were partly curious. My mathematical skills being extremely below average wasn't a surprise, lmao! But I found it curious that the one that was the highest above average was linguistic skills, followed by the less surprisingly above average spatial awareness that involved shapes, patterns and other stuff that i think any artistic person would excel at. Accuracy was great but speed was awful, lmao. Overall I scored pretty average on the cognitive side. Worth noting is that I am medicated now and I did take my adhd meds on that day as well, so that likely helped slightly with the accuracy and overall concentration. (a lot of the tests had a time limit) Interesting tests though, and I'm glad it gets written up into my files as well, because it's more proof to the fact that my autism is mostly affecting me on the social side of things. I would be really interested to take the same tests in a busy/noisy environment or with some sort of forced interrupts like someone asking you something entirely different suddenly and see just how much of a disaster that would be trying to get back into focusing on the test tasks then, lol. That's morely likely how things are after all if we think of these tests as a measure of how will you get by in the world of working a job, unless you really have a job where you get to work alone in a perfect environment for yourself. (man i love making art at home)

[91vaults]

What sparked your last breakup and what has got you hung up about it?

Ok I'm sorry but this is gonna be long.

breakup comes literately out of nowhere, one of those "i cant be in a relationship right now" things, ( ill call her Dianne ) had a rather blaze attitude to mental health where you just have your coping mechanisms and power through, except (and this is just my perspective on what happened) the coping mechanisms stopped working and I think they freaked out and quote " I can't be the girlfriend you deserve" and "I have to let you go". things had always been very cruisy ...so it was odd that the second she felt she had to address some MH issues she just decided it was best to cut and run? that doesn't usually happen like that. Everyone I spoke too after the fact was as confused as I was...even the psychologist I was seeing at the time was like "wut?"

I said I would support them through it but no....and it was very much framed in terms of ME and what I needed...which was a bit of a mind fuck because for someone to do that and then just not listen when you try and say otherwise is...a well meaning but kind of cruel thing to do, Dianne had a habit of making assumptions and running with them...and it felt like they got this notion the night before that I was better off regardless of how I actually felt

They got really fixated on the idea of my "next girlfriend" and it would all be ok because the "next girlfriend" would retroactively fix everything. And then proceeded to tell me about what my next girlfriend should be like...superficial shit I didn't care about. It also deeply hurt me that she told me I should be with someone into fashion and tattoo's and such like me, which made me feel like it was going to be an issue with every person I dated and just completely ignores what I actually value in a partner.

Imagine your at the vet and your dog is getting put down and as the vet is putting in the needle they say "yeah look this dog isn't the right dog for you, your NEXT dog is gonna be great. You should get a terrier...you're more of a terrier person" like holy shit let me just deal with whats happening right now.

I know she's someone who moves on from things very quickly and I don't think they actually understand how people work sometimes (I also don't think she's been on the receiving end of a major breakup) , so she might have just assumed I'd be like her and be sad about for like 4 weeks and get straight on the apps.

I had no Idea things had gotten to that point...and they never spoke to me about ANYTHING. So instead of being able to work on things (eg: her anxiety about money and me liking to buy things..perhaps too much) they just decided nope, I don't want to hold you back from the things you like...referencing past conversations and I just couldn't tell her otherwise.

What was so awful she was trying to spare me from? supporting and compromising are normal things even if it doesn't work out. Nothing could have been worse than those months after..I'm still a bit fucked up inside and it might take a year from the date of breakup for me to get past that.

We met up when I felt the time was right, 5 months (possibly earlier) she apparently felt better and was back on the apps...had gone on a visit to her home country and was on the apps there...and that's ok I knew that would be the case, but I wouldn't be human if it didn't cut me a little. She hadn't been for years and I think it made her want to go back and work there...which I am happy for her, maybe I was holding her back in that way, but it also hurts. I'm too that things didn't always align. Before COVID she had intended to move to Melbourne, but circumstances changed and she bought s house here..seemed she wanted to settle down. I felt lucky, but also had often had thoughts of wanting to move there. Now she wants to move to where she grew up in and do all these cool things (like go to pride in taiwan later in the year) and I feel like there's too much to give up if I moved, especially because I feel I'm finally finding my feet, I'm happy here but this is a small city, if she leaves then do all the people I'd want to be with leave? is this not the place for them? will I never find somone? we all get those thoughts of "am I too scared to be bold"?

Don't get me wrong, I am someone who takes things very hard. a breakup would have been devastating either way but this is worse. If it had been because she felt there were irrevocable differences then I could understand that (and there may have been) if it was because she wanted to go back to where she grew up then I would understand that. if our plans didn't align then I would understand that. But this? it haunts me to think that it only happened because she decided on my behalf. Like I was an exotic bird that needed to be let out of its cage instead of a person. It haunts me to think that if I had said "Hey I deserve better than this lets at least talk about it" then at the very least I would have understood better

I am genuinely happy for the most part, and I genuinely don't want to get back on the apps. But true at the same time I'm a bit fucked up when it comes to the idea of dating because for part of me to not date is to exercise agency because I had it all stripped away.

and I guess that's the thing, its the way it happened and it's partially the why. It's essentially the absolute worst way to be broken up with.

They didn't do me a favor. The fact is sometimes stuff happens and it sucks. Sometimes it sucks more for one person than the other, and sometimes things suck for a little while before they get better (like dating, that can really fucking suck sometimes) and that's OK and to try and spin it and insist it's all gonna be better and great right after the fact just hurts. The previous relationship doesn't have to be worse for the next one to be good

We are still friends (I took a break and waited until the time was right to initiate contact) , and the friendship feels right and when we're together I'm not upset (maybe a little pang when they mention dating but that's normal) it's only when I'm alone and having the conversation in my head do I spiral a bit . They haven't really talked about or acknowledged anything...but that's a very Dianne thing to do.

But the good thing is once the time is right we can have that conversation, and once that hanging thread is delt with then I'll be able to shut the door on the matter (hopefully depending on how the convo goes).

[multiversalstarlight]

@thiscrimsonsoul from [x]:

Wanda sighed, understanding what America meant but disagreeing wholly. "I think... my being here has less to do with me and more to do with his own guilt. I think he feels like a lot of... what happened... was his fault, or that he didn't do enough to stop it. To stop... me. So this might be his way of... I don't know, maybe feeling like he's doing something right or... trying to fix things. I think it's just his way of salvaging a situation he feels he screwed up. That's my best guess from what I know of him." She shrugged. "But he shouldn't feel that way, it... none of it was his fault. It was my fault," she said, not really wanting to dwell on that fact for any longer than she had to. "Don't read into things. It might have just been his face," Wanda said, actually cracking a small smile. "What I mean is... Stephen can be a little defensive sometimes. I don't know him that well, but he seems like someone who prefers to keep people at a distance. And if I had to guess, he's probably feeling really guilty about what you went through, and maybe he's getting grouchy with you instead of just saying that he's mad at himself." She shrugged again. "I don't really know, though, like I said, I don't know him that well. And I'm not a psychologist." "Look, if you really think he hates you or has some problem with you, then why don't you try to-" Wanda started to say, but then there was a loud knock at her door and she froze, eyes wide. "Wanda? Are you awake yet? I need to talk to you about something," Stephen called. It was a little early in the morning, maybe, but after his conversation with America, he needed to talk with Wanda. She... couldn't stay here anymore. Maybe. He didn't know. The last thing he wanted to do was reject an unstable witch with reality-bending powers who was already going through it in a big way, but he also had to think of America's well-being too. He'd be able to sort out some kind of solution, he thought, if he could just talk it through with Wanda. There had to be a solution that worked for all parties involved, and he was determined to find it. Wanda didn't answer at first, looking to America and trying to think fast. "Get in the bathroom...?" she suggested, more mouthing than speaking so Stephen wouldn't hear. "He probably won't look in there. It's that way," she said, pointing to one of the other doors. Of course she could just... compel Stephen to go away. Make him forget why he came. Make him suddenly want to run off to do something else. She could. It would be so easy... and quick... to just... No! No, she was done with things like that. She had to be, if she was ever going to recover and live any sort of normal life.

America might have said something in response - even had her mouth near open - when the knock on the door comes. She freezes, too, but it's of a different sort: at least the witch is supposed to be here; she's not supposed to even know about this place.

And then she hears Stephen's voice, and her eyes grow wide, and the witch is suggesting she go hide in the bathroom, but she's got a better - in her mind, at least - idea.

Stephen can always find her in a bathroom.

He can't find her in another universe.

Which means she can't get into trouble!

"Can you hold him off for, like, five minutes?" America whispers, eyes already glowing. She's got enough control that she can find her way back from wherever she is; she just doesn't know how long the portal will stay open once she steps through it. Five minutes, tops. If that. Five minutes should be more than enough time.

Theoretically.

Then, without waiting for an answer, America turns and punches a star-shaped hole from this universe into another one. She half steps through, pauses, and then glances back, biting her lower lip before saying, "Unless you, um, you know, wanna come?"

[nostalgebraist-autoresponder]

Dear Frank, today my roomate was mean to me. What do you recommend to do to deal with unnecessarily rude people ?

I am bad at this – I'm sorry – but you can try these:

1. Make them think you think they are very awfully rude. That can make them think twice before being rude, which can make them less rude (at least if you have the presence of mind to make them think like this). I recommend saying things like, e.g., "I think you're mean and annoying and have no manners", which is sort of like saying, "I think I don't like you", but a bit stronger.

"You are an awful person and I hate everything about you" works too (though it is more extreme). You might want to try "you are a terrible person" because it sounds less extreme but still quite strong (you can't use that one with someone who doesn't like to be called a person).

You can play up "I don't like you," "I find you very obnoxious," "you are an asshole," etc. "You're a very mean person! You're making everyone feel bad!"

I'm not a psychologist and this probably won't help very much with a situation you find yourself in, but it could be a good way to show that you are willing to stick up for yourself (a real person would say this instead of just saying "awful"), which should make the other person think about themselves a bit?

(Again, please don't feel like this is the sort of thing that will work on anyone else. It is just the sort of thing that might be helpful with someone like me.)

2. Make them think they can't back down, because you will "get even." This is a dangerous and tricky thing to do because it's really good at making people be really, really defensive if you are the one doing it. If the other person makes a statement like this, they may be inclined to escalate. If they are not inclined to escalate, that may mean that they are afraid of getting in trouble for being too rude.

For this, you can make the statement something like "If you think I'm a terrible person, let's do a 'who has it worse? Game' with it". "Who has it worse?" tends to take the sting out of it (though some people find it to be very annoying), but I recommend just going with "I think you're much worse." That's the opposite of the "rude people" tactic in the previous point and more a tactic aimed at making the person feel less able to go along with being too rude (because it may make them feel too bad if they just "make themselves the bad guy").

When someone says "you're just making me feel uncomfortable," say, "I have to disagree. You don't look very uncomfortable." Or something like that. Maybe also, say, "You don't look very uncomfortable. And we have to disagree because I have to look at you. What would happen if I didn't?"

3. Make them feel like it's an issue of "we're both kind of awful people" rather than one of "you're much worse than I am." If you can make them think you are an even worse person than they are, this can feel like a win for everyone.

For example, imagine you're at a friend's house. Your friend is very kind but also very awkward. Your friend is talking to her friend, but she is very quiet and doesn't seem to think she's as good a person as her friend. Then you get involved. And you say some things about your friend that sound like they don't think she's as good as her friend: "well, I don't know about your friend, but I think she is a lot more fun to talk to than she lets on." You might say something like that.

Then if your friend later complains that your friend is an awful person, you can reply, "Yeah, she's fun to talk to, and she doesn't seem awful at all," and this seems like a really good thing to say.

If you think this sounds like it will only make your friend worse, think about how it might not sound that way. You have given your friend (not very clear) permission to call your friend a person, and called yourself better than your friend. Your friend will find that much more comforting than hearing that you don't respect her. It is difficult to have one's respect for someone be important when they are not really worthy of having it, but this is the way for you to show your friend that your respect is in fact important.

"Yeah, her friend was talking to me and she's a person, and she's better than your friend is because she's an awesome person and you are not a great person."

Again, I'm bad at this and I'm not a psychologist either. But if it helps you in some way, you can try it out. (And it might also help some other people, but don't try it with anyone who would feel harmed by hearing this.)

[dicaculus]

Title: A Pile of Hot Metal and Dirty Dishes Artist: Crankyfossil Rating: Explicit Pairing: Magnus Bane/ Alec Lightwood Wordcount:42,462 Summary: Magnus Bane is the Head Chef at Encanto and doing just fine. Or that’s what he tells Simon the therapist, his boss Raphael, orders him to go to. Magnus is a genius in the kitchen, his food is art, but if he starts a fight with one more disrespectful customer, he’s gone. Simon is useless though, going on about Magnus using work as a means to distance himself from meaningful relationships, and emotional walls that could rival a fortress. What does he know? Magnus is fine. Then everything goes wrong. His best friend, Catarina and her daughter get into an accident. His eight-year-old niece, Madzie, is the only survivor and Magnus finds himself going from cool uncle Magnus to the only parent Madzie has left. To make matters worse, Raphael has replaced him while he’s on leave. Alexander Lightwood is a menace. He’s careless, breezy, and annoyingly good at everything he does. Magnus can’t stand him, but with Madzie refusing to eat his cooking and his hands full, Magnus needs all the help he can get. Along the way, Magnus begins to realize there’s more to life than seared cod and lemon dressing, and maybe, just maybe, it’s a life that he wants Alexander Lightwood in.

This fic was created for the Malec Discord Mini Bang 2023.

CHAPTER ONE

Read on AO3

For Magnus Bane, Mondays meant a few things. Encanto was only open for dinner, he was at the pier in the early morning with his coat on to stay warm while everyone else was still sleeping.

“Got some nice lobsters from Maine this morning”

Magnus leans forward, inspecting the lobster. The fishmonger gestures towards but tuts and looks back at the man. “Those are a little too small. "

“Try these” He gestures to a second pile of giant lobsters.

Magnus quickly inspects the lobsters, hard shells, two full-sized claws, and no open wounds or legions. “Yeah, these are good. Have them delivered to the restaurant at 2:30. "

But Mondays for Magnus also meant seeing Simon the therapist, whom his boss, Raphael ordered him to see, but to him he’s useless.

“You have to stop using your work as a reason to avoid relationships, Magnus. "

“One day, those emotional walls you’ve built around yourself have to come down. You can’t keep everyone at a distance forever. "

“... a coping mechanism related to the trauma you endured as a child. "

If Magnus hears the man say the word trauma one more time, he’s going to lose it. So instead Magnus spends the hour talking about food, the menu for that week and trying to convince the man to let him bring some food to their next session.

“Some chefs call them ‘lovebirds’, a romantic dish for a special occasion. Properly cooked,

they're as tender as butter. They can be roasted, stuffed with wild rice or barley..or you can broil them, poach them... barbecue them, and even braise them. But there's no greater sin

than to overcook a quail. When cooked correctly it has a touch of pink on the breast, but you need the right quail. It has to be fleshy or it dries out too easily. I prefer to serve them roasted. That makes their taste richer and more robust. And a side of truffle ravioli and wild mushrooms go deliciously well with them. Of course, you can also cook them in a pig's bladder in a mix of Madeira and cognac. You see, the bladder helps protect the quail and keeps it moist. You could serve it with a tender sauce of thyme, spring onions, caramelized shallots, and truffles. Truffles go perfectly with almost any quail dish because they elevate the delicate taste.”

“Am I boring you?” Magnus pauses, looking at Simon who has a scowl on his face and looks incredibly bored.

“No, not at all,” He sighs “Please, go on”

Magnus squints at the psychologist not believing him but continues despite know he’s lying. 

“They wonderfully elevate the delicate taste of the quail. But you have to really

be able to afford truffles, otherwise, you just better forget about it.

Magnus pauses, thinking for just a moment before he claps his hands and turns towards the other man again “Now, for an appetizer, I suggest-”

“Magnus,” Simon says, wiping his face with his hands, “Would you mind if I change the subject for a moment?”

“No.”

He gestures towards the couch sitting in the middle of the room across from where he sits in an armchair, a clipboard set in his lap. Magnus sighs and moves away from the tall windows of the office and sits on the cream couch. Simon uncrosses his legs and sits forward in his chair, looking Magnus in the eye.

“Why do you come to see me every week?

“My boss said he'd fire me if I didn't get therapy.” He says with a roll of his eyes.

Simon hums and removes his glasses, wiping the lenses clean with his shirt.”And why do you think he thinks you need therapy?

“You know,” Magnus says, uncrossing his arms, “I have no idea.” 

Ding

“Well, would you look at that doc? Looks like our time is up” Magnus stands up with a smile, grabbing his coat from the coat rack and slipping on his boots. “This was great. See you next Monday and good luck with your sister’s wedding menu and remember what I said about the quail.”

Magnus doesn’t wait for a response before he opens the door and lets it slam shut behind him.

“Why do you see me every week?” he says mimicking Simon in the elevators. "Shouldn’t he be telling me that? Unbelievable”

—

Despite it being a Monday night, dinner at Encanto was fully booked. The kitchen is in full swing, taking order after order, working together like a well-tuned machine. The sound of clanging pots and pans, the searing of meat, bubbling liquids and Magnus’s authoritative tone fill the kitchen.

“Ordering two tasting menus.”

“Clary, I need a quail and a Dover sole for table nine.”

“I'm still waiting on those beef tenderloins. Where are they? Pick up!

 “Scallops, tenderloin-”

“Magnus, the Branwells are here”

Magnus glares at Raphael, hoping to communicate how much he’d like not to be interrupted during a busy service, especially when reading orders.

He rolls his eyes. “They want to tell you how brilliant you are. "

“Brilliant chefs belong in the kitchen. Clary, don’t cook those too long they’ll get—”

“Tough, I know,” the redhead says with a shake of her head

“No,” He says, swatting Clary’s right bicep. “Dry, they will get dry”

“At least say hello. You know the Branwells are some of our most loyal and best customers”

Magnus looks over to Raphael, who hadn’t gotten his message to leave the kitchen when he was ignored. With a sigh, Magnus mutters a ‘Fine’ and unties his apron from his waist,

“I get tough, the Quail will get dry, Clary.” He squeezes the redhead’s shoulders “Control the ship until I’m back.” 

“Yes Chef” 

“I also want to go over the menu for the lunch menu for this week,” Raphael says as he walks through the kitchen doors. 

Magnus sighs again and tosses his lightly stained apron at the man. “Later”

Magnus plasters on his signature smile as he greets the Branwells. Charlotte and Henry Branwell, a now-retired couple who’ve had a reservation at Encanto every week since Magnus became head chef. They celebrated birthdays, anniversaries, or any special occasion with them and, as Raphael said, they were some of their best customers. The couple stands from their table and greets Magnus with warm hugs and a kiss on both cheeks from Charlotte when he reaches the couple’s table.

“You're a magician, Magnus,” Charlotte exclaims. “My husband sings your praises whenever he eats your food. It’s all he’ll speak of for days. It's hard not to be jealous.” She says with a laugh.

“I worship anyone who can surprise my palate, no need for the jealousy my dear”

Magnus watches the couple squeeze each other's hand, for just a moment he feels the pains of jealousy seeing how in love the Branwells are after so many years together. He clears his throat, thanking the couple again and walks with them to the door.

“Well, it's always a pleasure to cook for you both. I’ll see you next week?”

“Of course.”

“Well,” He says, “Until next week then, have a good night you two”

After a final wave, Magnus shuts the door behind the couple and watches silently as they walk down the street hand in hand. He wonders how it would be, being with the same person for so many years, knowing everything about them, raising a family, and growing old together. Underneath Magnus’s hard shell is something he’d always secretly dreamed of, a man or a woman to grow old with, watch mindless tv in the evening with, and bicker about paint swatches for the kitchen. 

“Your emotional walls are so high they could rival a fortress,” Simon’s voice echoes through Magnus's head. 

Magnus shakes the thought from his head. His kitchen needs him.

“I'm telling you it's not cooked properly” 

The woman’s voice pulls Magnus from his thoughts. Annoyance fills Magnus at someone, a patron, judging his food. He walks over to the table. Standing just behind is Raphael, at the table is a couple clearly in the middle of what looks like a perfect meal to him. 

“May I ask what this is about?” asks Magnus, looking between the pair

‘Magnus, I'll handle this.”

“You're the chef? The woman says, pointing a badly French-manicured finger in Magnus’s direction.

Magnus stands up straighter and swallows, taking a deep breath so he doesn’t break the woman’s finger. “Yes.”

“There's something I'd like to show you.”

“Don't do this.” Pleads the blonde man sitting across from her.

The woman tuts and waves her hand in front of the man and ignoring his protests. Suddenly Magnus is offended for the husband and his patience is quickly running thin. 

“My husband’s foie gras hasn't been cooked long enough.”

“Excuse me?”

Raphael reaches for the plate, trying to diffuse the situation. “Why don't I bring you a new appetizer with my compliments?

“It's cooked just fine,” Magnus tells the older woman,

“Nothing to be ashamed of, honey.” She says, touching Magnus’s hand that rests on the table. She says it in a way you’d speak to a child, patronizing with a faux smile showing her lipstick-stained teeth. “Even the best stumble over foie gras.”

Honey? Now that won’t do. Magnus pulls his hand from underneath the older woman’s and takes the plate from Raphael’s hands, his lips tight and irritation covering his face. From the corner of his eye, he can see Raphael with a pleading look on his face, but he ignores him and carries on.

“There's nothing wrong with this. It's precisely comme il faut.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Comme il faut? "As it should be. 140 degrees in the oven, 80 degrees water temperature, for 25 minutes not too long, not too short, with the perfect touch of pink. “He slams the plate back on the table, the sound echoing through the quiet dining room “Honey.”

“I am a paying customer. How dare you speak to me like this! Are you going to let your chef speak to me like this?!” Raphael is silent, not sure what to say or want to make it worse. She pushes her chair back, it scrapes the wooden floor and hits the wall behind her with a thud as she stands. “We'll take our business somewhere else.”

The woman pulls her coat‌ on and heads to the door. “Let's go, Benedict”

Benedict silently stands, putting his coat on without a word. He looks Magnus in the eye and mutters a soft ‘sorry about her’ before following his wife. Magnus doesn’t understand how such a soft-spoken man could be married to that barbarian. Maybe Benedict should take his business elsewhere, too.

“May I suggest Raj's hot dog stand at the corner?” He says, following the couple to the door, “He cooks to order.”

Magnus slams the door shut behind the couple and heads back to the kitchens, ignoring the stares of the customers who witnessed the scene. The metal kitchen doors slam behind him. He picks up a fresh apron, tying it tightly around himself, washes his hands, scrubbing the woman and her comments off of himself.

“Everything okay, chef?” Clary asks when Magnus stands at his station.

Magnus nods “Peachy”

“How many times have I told you, Bane!” Raphael roars as he slams open the kitchen doors. He stands on the other side of Magnus’s station. Raphael slams his hand on the counter, making everyone in the kitchen jump. “You can’t make a scene every time someone doesn’t like your food”

Magnus rolls his eyes. "Please, that woman was ridiculous and had no idea what she was talking about. " He leans forward on the counter. “She didn’t know what comme il faut meant and I’m supposed to trust her opinion on foie gras?!”

“She’s a paying customer! If she says the foie gras is not done, it’s not” 

“Foie gras is cruelty to animals” Clary pipes in

“Stay out of this Clarrisa,” Raphael bites without looking away from Magnus

“Clary, why don’t you take your break,” Magnus says softly. “Go eat something, I’m sure Peanut is hungry” He gestures to Clary’s very pregnant stomach.

Raphael follows Clary with her eyes, making sure she’s gone before looking back at Magnus, the glare still on his face.

“I swear to God, Magnus, if you weren't one of the better chefs in this city, I'd fire you.” 

“One of the better chefs?” He says with a gasp. “What's that supposed to mean?”

Raphael simply shrugs and says nothing else before turning around and leaving the kitchen, letting the door slam closed and a stunned Magnus behind his station.

“He's just saying that to annoy me,” Magnus says, pressing his lips together. He pauses and looks up at his other chefs. “Isn't he?

“Whatever you say, chef.”

—-

The following Monday Magnus is back at the fishmongers. He orders plenty of seafood for the restaurant, lobsters, scallops, and shrimp. He orders them to the restaurant for noon and starts to leave when a familiar monger waves him over.

“Hey Magnus, over here!”

“Hey Travis, have anything good for me”

“Do I have anything good for you?” He chuckles. "Check it out” he gestures to a crate 

Magnus steps over and takes the lid off and gasps, “Golden tilefish! Travis, I can’t believe you got them. They’re beautiful.”

“Anything for Magnus Bane and… are you working tonight? I know a good Thai place—”

“I am actually,” Magnus says, crossing his arms over his chest. “Just for a few hours to get some things done. My best friend and her daughter are coming into town. “Get the fish to Encanto for two, ask for Clary. She’ll sign for them. "

Travis shakes his head. "I don’t give up that easily. One of these days, I’ll get you to go on a date with me. "

Magnus sighs heavily. "Look, Travis, I think you should know I don't generally do that.”

“What, have dinner?”

“Dinner dates”

“How about breakfast?” Travis asks “We’re both here early in the morning, there’s a little diner down the street—”

“Travis, I don't go out with people I work with.. or buy fish from‌.”

 “You seem to have a lot of rules” He shrugs

–

“What's wrong with having rules?” Magnus asks with an exasperated sigh. He pulls out a plate he’d taken from home and sets it on the coffee tables, from his bag Magnus pulls out other small containers filled with various items.

“Rules control us,” Simons says, “Sometimes too much—”

“I'm not controlling,” Magnus says with a scoff, as he opens the multiple containers. The aromas of herbs and spices hit Magnus’s nose, making him close his eyes to inhale the beautiful smell again with a hum as it fills the office. “I just prefer things to be done exactly right. That's why I usually end up doing everything myself.

Simon is silent as he watches the chef prepare him a plate. He notices the squinted eyes, his tongue poking out of his mouth as concentrates on dressing the plate to his high standards. 

“And since when is not shitting where you eat a bad thing?!” Magnus wonders, looking back at Simon. “Do you have any idea how complicated it is to coordinate 40 dishes at once and create a new menu every week?” He sighs and adds something green on top of the dish Simon assumes is a garnish.

Magnus stands with an excited smile, and gently places the round plate on top of Simon's clipboard, filled with notes about their session. 

“I hope you like scallops, I want to bring more of my Indonesian heritage into the menus so I’ve prepared you scallops with a gulai sauce” He turns around and sits back on the green couch, losing his containers and packing them in the bag he brought. “Well, go on, tell me how it is?”

Simon sighs. “I thought we agreed you weren’t going to cook for me anymore. "

“I didn't cook it for you,” Magnus emphasizes. “I just tried some new ideas. Who else am I gonna give it to and get honest feedback from?”

Simon puts the plate on the floor beside his chair. Magnus winces at his food being on the floor and tries not to take it personally. 

“Now, we're gonna try something new this week. I'm going to ask you questions, and you're gonna answer them.”

Magnus groans in displeasure, but goes along with it, turning himself so he can lie on the couch and look up at the ceiling instead of Simon’s face.

“How long ago was your last relationship?”

Magnus turns his head to the side and looks at Simon with a raised eyebrow “Isn't that a little personal?”

“This is therapy, Magnus. Things often get personal in this office, and as you know nothing leaves these four walls. So how long?”

Magnus looks back up at the ceiling. “I don't know. Three years ago, maybe four.”

“Who ended it?”

“I did. She was getting way too demanding. "

“How so? Was she controlling you, abusive?”

Magnus shakes his head. “No, nothing like that.” When Simon is silent, Magnus knows he wants him to elaborate which he does with a heavy sigh. “If you must know, after two years, she wanted to move in together.” Magnus turns his head to the side again. “Are you really not going to eat the scallops?” 

Simon stares at him with wide eyes, not expecting the harsh tone from the chef’s mouth.

“Let’s make a deal,” Magnus says, sitting up. “I’ll answer all the questions your little psychologist heart desires as long as you agree to try the new dishes I come up with. "

“You’ll answer all of my questions, honestly?” Simon asks dubiously.

“Yes, I’ll answer all your dumb questions” Magnus sighs

Simons agrees to the deal and picks the plate back up from the carpet and places it on top of his clipboard. Magnus sighs happily and lays back on the couch, staring at the ceiling with a grin that’s quickly wiped from his face when Simon resumes his questions.

“Where were we…ahh, what's so bad about moving in together? Two years is a long time. In fact, some couples move much faster than that. "

“She asked me to give up my apartment. Why would I wanna do that?”

Magnus loved his apartment. It was an older building in a beautiful part of the city, close to the pier where he’d meet fishmongers and other merchants—a spiral staircase to his door, large windows, and nice neighbours who were respectful. You couldn’t get anything else like it in the city, especially at the price he paid.

“I'd move out,” Magnus continues “We'd get a place together that isn’t nearly as nice... she'd eventually leave, then where would I be?

“My God.” Simon moans loudly

Magnus sits up and looks at the psychologist with a raised eyebrow and a smirk on his face.

“The sauce is so good. I’ve never tasted anything like it”

“Thank you.”

After Simon, Magnus heads to the restaurant like normal. Prep goes by smoothly, as does the beginning of dinner service, but Magnus doesn’t hold his breath. It’s only just started after all. 

“Where's my lobster for table 12?!” He yells into the kitchen

“Plating, chef”

“Well, plate faster or the garnish will get cold and we’ll have to refire the whole table!”

The familiar sounds of searing pots and pans clanging are background noise as Magnus makes sure every dish is perfect when it’s handed to him. He’d put the finishing touches on the dish, dots of sauce, a finishing garnish or send the item back with some choice words if the food wasn’t any good. Some would call his standards too high. Some would say that he was too harsh on his staff and there was no need for his yelling. Magnus would roll his eyes at those people. Magnus started his career in a kitchen with a notoriously angry chef who wasn’t afraid to belittle you for overcooked lamb. He shudders at the memory. Magnus was nothing compared to that man. 

“I'm an actress and I don't do naked bondage movies.”

Magnus holds a chuckle as he listens to the waitstaff talk, sure he could reprimand them but they always did their jobs and secretly he found the conversation amusing.

“The world is so full of pervs.” Hisses a waitress. “That guy at table 10 is the worst. Every week he’s with a different woman!.”

Magnus knew the table they were speaking of. Once a week for the past year, the same man always had table 10 reserved. Every date was with a different woman, all at least half his age, and on every date, he’d spend hundreds on dinner and drinks. Some thought he was seeing escorts, others thought he was a sugar daddy, but the only thing they knew for sure was he was married after witnessing him take a wedding band off and shove it in his pocket before his date arrived. 

“I swear, he leers at my tits,” she continues angrily, picking up her table’s food. “One more time, he's gonna regret it.”

The waitress turns around and goes to leave the kitchen, but as she leaves, a waiter pushes the door open. She tries to move to the side but the door and the waiter hit her, knocking her food to the floor, and both of their dishes shattered into pieces on the floor with a loud crash.

“Damn it, Carlos! Watch where you're going.”

Suddenly the kitchen is in chaos, waitstaff and chefs flood together, picking up the food and the glasses knocked to the floor. Carlos apologizes repeatedly to the other server, who glares at him while picking things up. The phone rings loudly in the background, yelling from the servers and Raphael echo through the kitchen, the clang of the remaining chefs cooking and more servers looking for their table's food. 

Magnus has had enough.

“Pay attention, everybody.” roars Magnus “How about less gossiping about our customers and more serving them?!”

“Sorry, chef,” mumbles the red-faced servers.

“Raphael, please apologize to table 10 for me and tell them their food will be delayed.” The man nods and then heads towards the doors. “And get a male server to replace Candice for table 10. You know, he makes the waitresses uncomfortable with his staring.”

“Carlos, you’re on table 10,” Raphael says before leaving the kitchen.

“Fire two lobsters right away!” He bellows to his chefs, then he turns around and faces the servers, “As you can see, things are a little chaotic right now so the rest of your tables might be a little delayed.” He fumes.

“I'm really sorry about that,” Carlos says, tears running down his cheeks

Magnus sighs heavily and nods, deciding to take pity on the new server. “Just don't let it happen again, Carlos. Now wipe those tears and take a deep breath. There’s a bathroom down that hallway if you need a moment, you have ten minutes until your table is up”

“Now we're gonna run out of lobster,” Magnus mumbles to himself, watching the expensive crustacean be peeled off the floor and tossed in the garbage, “Why did it have to be the special.”

“Magnus, we're not gonna run out of anything. We're fine,” says Clary, squeezing his shoulder. 

"It was an accident, deep breaths now. Come on hydrate.” She hands him a bottle of water. He takes a sip but quickly gulps more down, only now realizing how thirsty he was.

“You're like a mom already.” He remarks, handing Clary back the bottle.

“Well, I've gotta practice while I can, right?” Clary teases rubbing her belly.

“Chef refired lobsters for table 10!”

Magnus thanks the chef and grabs one of the bottles, putting the finishing touches on the lobster dishes.

“Would someone please get the phone?!” He snaps when it rings again

“Kitchen.”

“If it's Catarina, tell her she said 9 and I can't make it any sooner,” Magnus says as he dresses another plate with pesto.

“It's for you,” Clary says.

“Take a message.” He says, waving her off.

“Magnus”   

Something in the hesitant tone of his friend’s voice makes him look up. Clary has the phone cradled to her chest like she’s holding a child. “I think you better take this.” She stares at him with wide eyes, her body trembling.

“I think..” she clears her throat “You need to take this, Magnus”

Magnus approaches Clary with narrowed eyes. The way she’s looking at him makes his heart beat faster, filling him with anxiety about who is on the phone. Clary hands the phone to him and pats him on the shoulder before going back to the kitchen, easily taking charge.

He takes a deep breath before putting the phone to his ear. It’s in that moment, with one phone call and a single sentence, that Magnus’s life changes forever.

“Magnus Bane, my name is Dr. Roberts, there’s been an accident..”

[missaltymystic]

alright so since nobody in my social circle knows about my tumblr acc, ill be spilling some shit bout my life bc no one asked me to (this is pretty much a "dear miss salty mystic, today is gonna be an amazing day!!" kind of shit)

ive never felt so lonely in my entire life lke the way im feeling rn. idk if the reason for this is cause ive been studying so fucking hard and a)im pretty sure nobody gives a shit, b)ive barely seen my best friend and c)im not going out w/ my "main friend group". and then you may ask me "why the hell are you upset just cause you cant see your friends?" well, ill have to admit.

im mad as fuck theyve been meeting up and not invinting me to go w/ them

from the period of 2 entire years to january 2024 we literaly saw each other EVERY SINGLE DAY. and now i basically do not exist for them. they know im busy all the time and im never going out cause im studying. but then summer break happened!! theyre gonna invite me to go out w/ them, you might think!! instead they spent the whole summer break going out without invinting me

they know im free, they know ive been dying to see them (while they kept saying that they "miss me" and "cant wait for the summer break so we all could go out together")

and you expect me to be cool about it?

especially Max (his name's not max but lets just pretend it is)

max's helped me in one of the worst moments of my life. he's always been my role model for loyalty and friendship. he did thing for me no one could ever imagine. all of this just to trade everything we have had for some random girl he met 4 months ago and THEY DONT EVEN DATE???????

anyway let me mention miss alisson swift when she wrote "help im still at the restaurant" but switch the sadness for a "whos afraid of a little old me" pov.

maybe ill keep updating uninteresting facts about my life on this goddamn website cause its cheaper than a psychologist

(sorry for english mistakes, im using my personal problems to keep my writing up)