#if one more person that knew my brother
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#i swear to god#if one more person that knew my brother#sees me and goes#“oh my god im so sorry are you ok?”#im going on a full blown rampage#what a stupid question#no#no im not fucking ok?#why ask a question you know the answer to?#and if i answer honestly#i see how uncomfortable they get#they want me to say that its hard but im ok#but im not#the real answer is that i think some of me died too#i have barely gotten out of bed#unless it was to move to the couch#ive had nightmares every night since the accident#but no one wants to hear that#so why ask?#im sure they all mean well#but im past caring right now
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r u the grew up poor never being able to buy the little things in life u always wanted as a kid so now u buy whatever little thing u want as an adult and struggle with saving for the big mandatory thing,
or the grew up poor never being able to buy the little things in life u always wanted as a kid so now u just never buy anything small bcs u had to learn to live without it and constantly try to save for the next big thing in 500 yrs
#everyones been asking what i wanted for my bday and i always say nothing#like i hate the feeling of getting somebody smthing just to get them smthing like personally#it needs to come from the heart for me. if it's for smthing big like a bday#now like getting someone a coffee judt to get them one on a random day is dif bcs it's just smthin random on a random day i can understand#but idk like as a kid into adulthood the only bday my relatives / guardians have ever celebrated was my adopted brother's n my dad's#the dad bcs hes a hyperconservative dictator lol n the older adopted bro is cus hes got higher needs#so everybody gets more money taking care of him n stuff so u gotta act like u care abt him according to the guardians#but like i never even knew bdays were that big to people. like i mean i know OTHER PEOPLES bdays are big to them#i find ppl who rlly love their bdays to be rlly cute. like i dont think theyre selfish or make fun of em cus theyre judt having fun#n like u only get one x yr bday so have fun with it!!#but for ME? my bday was never anything special n i dont think it is now#everybody feels bad or smthing for me or for not getting me nothing today but it's like?? this is the norm??? im cool with it#ive been thinking abt other stuff like i just dont have time to think abt the pleasures rn. i have to double on the pain or smthing#like my friends always laugh abt how i dont drink coffee/tea or alcohol bcs u cant be in the medical field without a lil smn smn#& it's like idk ! i like ppl that do do that kinda stuff but like! i never grew up with that & it just feels odd to do it now kinda thing#idk im very cheap but also i will use the fact that im cheap on the small stuff to justify wanting to make a big purchase#i have a weird relationship with buying things for myself vs for others like 4 others i will buy watever u want bro#sugar papi ted#hey heres this idk insert raccoon bracelet bcs u like raccoons n love wearing bracelets so i thot of u n bought it#but if i buy smthing for me it has to have a dual purpose or smthing#i got to have a free dessert today n chose the churros over the tres leches cake slicr cus u can judt make the cake#but i dont own a deep fryer so i cant make churros n storebought churros just arent the same#like im just always idk comparing or needing to know the use of things yanno#if i do smthing. i have to see it thru. & it has to have multi purpose#i mean just look at my username jrue ships or jrue's hips like#im unwell when it comes to that#idk is anyone else like this#anyways yea this whole new thing of getting stuff on one day is hard for me like it just never matches up with my time#of course ill see stuff id like to have but like. ill just make myself forget it n by the time stuff like this rolls up it's like idk#i COULD get a new laptop but i got one that works just fine. i got an ipad on its last legs but can i still turn it on? alright
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really fucking grinds my gears how my dad knows just how to make me feel fucking guilty for putting up boundaries and saying no
#not even for a major thing!#barely setting a boundary even! just saying i don’t want to do smth!#asking me if i want to go for dinner one evening when he knows i work late most days and have said this for years - in fact said this exact#thing to him last week - so when i say no bc i finish late he just pushes and pushes#until im like this doesn’t work for me AND i hate eating out i dont want to go. just go with my brother that’s fine. and he’s suddenly#blunt as fuck in his messages leaving me on read or guilting me about the hours i work….. like get a fucking grip your over 50 bro#i try to be polite with it but he just gets in a fucking mood like please you are a Loser#i see you weekly (smth HE chose when i was a bairn) like im not making my job and life harder just bc you feel bad that you don’t see me#more often now#also i only hate eating out with him!! because it’s awkward!! i like to be in and out when i eat with friends and we’re all the same about#it bc we’re all very autistic lmaooo but with him he likes to chat and chat and chat which is fine but i don’t.. and he asks more personal#questions than when we’re just at his as if im gonna open up just bc we’re eating thai food 🙄🙄🙄🙄#like you Don’t get to know if im seeing anyone or if im queer or even if ive got fucking plans to go away with friends tbh#like deadbeat dads that try to emotionally manipulate their kids get minimal information actually !! 🤓☝️#stelle yaps#fuck sake#i knew he’d start doing this when my brother was back - he’s always played us off each other and he always gravitates towards whichever is#the ‘easiest’ child at the time which is my brother ever since i became an adult lmao#i just don’t tolerate his shit and i let him know it whereas e will play along#me and my dad are too similar in that we both know how to really cut deep in the other :/#it just all sucks#please please feel free to ignore#i just need to vent like hell bc he winds me up a treat so bad
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i love my sister and for the most part, we are very close and genuinely like each other a lot but the one place where i'd just really, really, really like to see inside her brain is the part where she is still incredibly comfortable and cheerful—and even thinks it's really funny—talking about how much she didn't like me as a child while I'm like. yes. I am and was aware. and it sucked so so so much
#we had a really wild moment over dinner last week where she actually acknowledged#EXPLICITLY with her OWN WORDS#that things like our brother dying right when i was going into my senior yr of high school#and covid lockdown starting right when i'd graduated college + moved to a new city where i knew no one except her + was applying/auditionin#for jobs#were harder on me than one her in some unique ways#and i was literally like . is. is this a test? am i supposed to deny it?#bc like when our brother died she told me i was a selfish brat (for not grieving the way she did)#and during covid she told me (right after i got laid off) that she had ''way more reasons to be depressed'' than i did#personal#anyway she was laughing so much as she said this (abt not liking me) and i was just staring at her nodding slightly like#yeah. i know. i know you didn't like me#do YOU know how much it sucks to know that your older sister--whom you idolize--who you *desperately* want to like you--#not only doesn't like you at all#but even up into high school/college#would talk about how she couldn't wait till our LITTLE (five year old) cousins were old enough to hang because they'd be so much fun#and know that she had absolutely never thought or said that about you#do you perhaps! think that might still have ramifications on our relationship to this day#if your little sister spent 20+ years knowing that your love was conditional on them being the person you wanted her to be#like. do u???#(the answer is no of course but#i remain boggled by the fact that this eludes her considering she is! in fact! a really smart person!)#it's also like when i was first offered my current job#and our now bosses asked both of us like ''are you worried at all about working with your sister?''#and she laughed like lol no of course not?#while i was like ''honestly yes.'' adskjfglkjasds#very different perspectives sometimes
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My FL main went through some really weird, organic development over the...oh god, I think it's been five years since I started playing now.
So my main is named Skadi Larkin. They are a little bastard. They started out extremely 2D; I named them after my favorite Norse goddess and the protagonist of the book I was reading at the time. I originally wanted to make them female like both of their namesakes, but the second I saw the third-gender option, I thought it was too good to pass up. This is where they got their primary base characterization as a mad scientist who wanted to Cause Problems.
Then I started the Nemesis ambition and forgot which option I'd chosen for who I was trying to avenge, so they lost both their lover and their older brother under tragic circumstances (only the lover was killed by Nemesis's antagonist, though).
Then I got an Exceptional Friendship and had to give my tragic backstory in order to gain entry to the House of Chimes. Skadi pulled said tragic backstory (orphaned in a hansom accident) more or less out of their ass, but it did establish that their parents are dead.
Somewhere down the line, I realized that technically Skadi is a linguist, since the Correspondence is a language, and I made that their profession on the Surface as well.
Around this time, I started working on character designs for my fan comic. I got really into messing around with skin tone, and somewhere along the line thought it would be fun to draw Skadi (who was originally white) with darker skin, and it stuck.
Then I abruptly realized I was taking a lot of options that increased my Melancholy, and almost all of them were based on the Surface. So now Skadi has a longing for the Surface.
I left the game for a few years, but somewhere during this stretch of time, and I don't know how this happened, but I decided Skadi was now Native American; specifically, Metis. I changed their design to incorporate a sash woven in a style characteristic of the Metis, which also added a bit of color to their design (which was mostly black or grey at this point).
During this time, I started incorporating Skadi into my fan comic. This would eventually lead me to actually flesh out their backstory in greater detail. When I started playing the game again, I also created my first alt by total accident (long story), and I decided to weave her backstory with Skadi's.
So Skadi is in the interesting position of being an Indigenous person who is what we'd probably consider Two-Spirit today but they'd just call "Bollocks to that gender crap". They never belonged on the Surface, since the Metis are in a bit of a liminal space compared to other tribes due to their interesting background (the Metis are the descendants of French settlers and Indigenous inhabitants, mostly Cree), and Skadi exists in a liminal space within that liminal space due to only being half-Metis and raised primarily in white culture, although they still maintained a connection to it through their late mother. They also never belonged because no one else on the Surface outside of the communities they already felt isolated from would ever accept them for their gender. London gave them a chance to express one of those, but not both, and despite knowing that the Surface hates them just for existing, they still long to return.
#fallen london#fallen london oc#mild fallen london spoilers ig#there's a really interesting dichotomy with all of my fl characters honestly#skadi's is just probably the most blatant#umbra belacqua (my shadowy alt) is someone who both loves very fiercely and is capable of immense cruelty at the same time#in her backstory she had the husband of her ex-fiancee (who left her at the altar) murdered because she couldn't let go of her ex's betraya#said ex is my persuasive alt and is both very socially gregarious and extremely withdrawn#he probably won't ever get a spouse just because he can't bring himself to love someone else after what happened the last time#and he had very good reason for leaving umbra because he could never love her the way she wanted#and he felt that the sympathy she would receive from his family would more than make up for the heartbreak#since umbra is obsessed with gaining power and prestige and he came from an influential family#and knew that running away with the person he really loved would get him disowned#(he doesn't know umbra killed his husband btw)#my dangerous alt is my persuasive alt's sister#she's trans and badly overcompensating for it by refusing to wear anything except feminine clothing#because it hasn't quite gotten through to her yet that no one in Fallen London particularly cares about her gender expression#and she feels like the only way she can be seriously considered a woman is if she does everything she can to look like one#which causes her a good few problems because her one true passion is violence and that's not usually considered a very feminine hobby#then their younger brother (my watchful alt) is someone ironically very disinclined to violence who resorts to it anyways#the only people he's actually going to try to kill are the ones he has to kill for his ambition#and he's not very happy about it but he doesn't have much of a choice#because while he might not like bloodshed his murdered spouse was an anarchist who definitely did#and he's determined to do right by his memory by...killing a lot of people apparently#he is not a terribly mentally stable man and when i finally get around to making his account#he's going to have a massive nightmares problem that he refuses to deal with and keeps ending up in the royal beth for it#tl;dr all my fallen london characters are going through it and have overly long and complicated backstories#my main just happens to have the most overly long and complicated of them all
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you know how people when their life feels like it's falling apart call their mother? I wish I could do that. my mother would only make me feel 1000000 times worse lol
#personal#I wish there was someone who knew things about life I could call#who could tell me hey these things usually work out or like#don't worry there's other things you can try this and that next#or like this is normal#or like it's okay you're doing the right thing#like anything#I have friends but I don't wanna burden them and they're all about my age and know about as much as me or less lol#they swimming in their own shit#I have an older brother who is much less adapted and more childish than me#I have a father who is very nice but has a lot on his plate and doesn't need me crying on the phone it would shake him#and he is older now and I like I feel so guilty for not having my shit together by this point not for the lack of trying#there is just no one to call
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i had so much fun last night omg
#the dragon's parade!!!#cause it's the great dragon weekend here in kraków now#so we finally went out with friends#i always miss those losers we don't really see each other often but i love them sm#then we went to drink at my bestie's place & he finally told them he's gay (i was the only one in the group who knew)#i'm proud of him tbh#also it's so funny cause our friend said she was always intrigued by our relationship#and she was like 99% sure there was something going on between me & him shdhhdhdh#and i can't blame her cause she's not the only person#my mom keeps asking me if he's REALLY gay like at least once a week#also his parents keep asking him about me & they say i'm pretty & that MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING GOING ON HERE#like... no#hell no#he's my little brother i would fucking murder everyone who ever tries to hurt him#but no that's it hdhdhdhdh#i never talk about those kind of stuff so i'm not sure if he knows but i think he knows (i hope he knows)#it's so funny tho i just think we give the same kind of energy#so when people see us together there's this weird kind of chemistry there but like... not in a romantic way#more in a “hey this dude knows all of my secrets & i know all of his as well” kind of way#idk can't explain i'm happy tho & kinda relieved at the same time cause i don't really like secrets#anyway yesterday was fuuuuun <3#i came back home around 5am i'm exhausted#please give me all the coffee in the world#but sincerely can you hear me?*
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#we're all feeling so much and this may sound selfish but i need to vent#i feel a bit alone rn with all of this#i mean i always knew i was alone but this is just confirming it all to me#everyone in my life knows how much one direction and the boys mean to me#i dont hide from anyone at all#and most of my irl “friends” (dont even know if they can be called friends)#didnt even come to me to say something#and i know most of them saw the news#idk it just feels like it doesnt matter#and also my parents#they truly never cared aabout my likes#cant even properly name the boys even tho im always talking about them#my dad came into my room and saw me crying#and was all “what happened?” and my brother told him#he's only reaction was to say “really?” and the he left#didnt say a word to me at all#later my mom got home and i think my dad told her i was crying#so she came to my room and she at least showed a bit more interest#and asked me about it and who it was and everything#i was crying talking to her and she didnt even give me a hug#idk i felt alone again#i didnt really expect a hug from my dad but i did from my mom#and i got nothing#its like my feelings about anything matter#anyway sorry if its selfish#its just another thing making me feel sad on top of everything else#personal
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is episode 8 the domitian arc ? more on this and EVEN MORE narratives i’ve been ignoring that the show said “actually,,,” about in 5
#hermes staying domitian’s hand… hermes’ face a flash of discomfort when he was torturing tenax… hmm. character growth.#WHAT WAS THAT HERMES. WHAT WAS THAT LOOK. NO GIRL GET BACK HERE I CANNOT ALSO DO THIS NARRATIVE OF YOU NO LONGER ABLE TO PULL HIM BACK FROM#THE BRINK OF HIS CRUELTY WATCHING HIM CHANGE AND SEEKING OUT SOMEONE ELSE IN HIS NEED AND FEAR AND ANGST. NO BABY GIRLLLL#I DON’T WANT TO WRITE A HERMES POINT OF VIEWWWW OF THE SIX YEARS HE SPENT WATCHING DOMITIAN BLOOMMMM INTO HIS POWER AND CORRUPTTTT because.#correct me if i’m wrong but in that very first scene that was a young hermes in the white right he watched domitian give his speech and saw#his father to truly see him the whole time as hermes has seen his brilliance.#NO I ALSO SAW THAT GUARD’S HEAD FOLLOW HERMES oh i hate it here. you know what i also hate? i need domitian to be successful for tenax#but also i do kinda like titus… NOOOOOO NO KILLING TITUS DOMITIAN I JUST SAID I LIKED HIM!!!! DOMITIAN!!!#oh. ohhhh no. OH NOOOO okay listen we can redeem this. we can have the whole turning point of the narrative be domitian’s mercy of hermes#the ultimate staying of his hand. proving he’s not entirely gone that hermes & his love still means something. do i think this will happen#no absolutely not. before he can kill his brother domitian has to kill the only other living person he loves perhaps more than titus if he#could ever realize it. (a brief interlude to yell LET’S GO LESBIANS LET’S GO HI IRIS) domitian… please spare him… OH WAIT HELLO THE BLOOD!!#ALSO a brief interlude to say i knew it was coming but ELIA’S SPEECH ABOUT LOVING INCITATUS??? I WAS ON THIS INCITATUS SHIT WITH THE LITTLE#NOD THEY HAD WHERE SCORPUS CALLED HIM TO BEAT XENON OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!!! elia’s going to crush him. incitatus won’t listen.#scorpus is going to die twice once when they call elia’s name instead of his and then the second time when the scorpion bites him again#(he kills himself and tenax finds him. sorry to give everyone absolutely maximum damage here but uh. that’s how i can see it going down)#or alternatively worse: after killing titus who at times he loves and hates in equal measure (if y’all don’t think I have some UNHINGED#brothers quotes. we’ll keep mum here about why but suffice to say it is. relevant to other fandoms. and thus i have a Collection) the last#thing domitian has to do is kill hermes. and this one is both out of betrayal but also love because I think somewhere in here titus’ queen#berenice plays a role because domitian’s hatred of the jews probably comes to play a role and I think titus would show up and protect her#like Domitian engineers some kind of a situation where in theory titus could escape alive or beat him but he can’t do that & save berenice#and so of course he saved berenice. or she dies in his arms and he goes mad with grief and any way you put it berenice is the trap & titus#happily crawls into the lion’s mouth to save her for love of her etc and domitian sees him die for it. he gives titus every chance to come#back to him to work with him to be what he wants him to be and he always chooses himself he chooses love and domitian can’t understand even#when it makes him weak. and then he sees hermes dirty and emaciated and still terribly terribly beautiful and feels such a pang of longing#and love that he decides he has to die because he (domitian) cannot be weak. he cannot have any of it. also giving domitian worse paranoia#than he already has because if you kill your brother the one person who should always love you—support you—who can build me a new brother—#you’ve gotta generate some MAJOR issues. namely trust issues. and if he kills hermes they’ll be even worse. so like ideally To Me domitian#wouldn’t kill him but i do very much see the symbolism of cutting off his last earthly tie & desire to ascend to the divine imperial throne#those about to die
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In regards to the Nico siblings AU, have you heard the theory that Robin's father is Monkey D. Dragon? I ask only because the mental image of Lucci slowly realizing that Luffy is their half-brother is hilarious.
Like, there's definitely joy because he's not the only younger sibling anymore, but also LUFFY is their younger brother. This is alarming and confusing and Jabra will laugh himself sick.
i had not heard that theory but that is hilarious. lucci would be absolutely horrified at finding out he's related to luffy. like, yay he's not the youngest, but... luffy. lucci strongly considers asking to be adopted by someone else rather than be related to luffy.
(and garp. imagine looking at garp and realizing he's your grandfather.)
#jabra finds out and cackles for so long that people are genuinely concerned he's lost it#(somehow. somehow. fukurou wins the betting pool on this turning out to be true. nobody's quite sure how the fuck he knew.)#lucci just wakes up one day to a card from half the people he knows that's basically just 'condolences on your new family members'#luffy on the other hand is absolutely DELIGHTED by this news#'new brother? NEW BROTHER!! also robin was already family but cool!!!!!'#and that's how lucci has realized this has somehow also resulted in ace and sabo becoming their brothers too#sabo and ace both find this hilarious#(...garp is the worst and shows up to be like 'hello to my new grandchildren.)#lucci would like to be adopted by a more sane family now.#jokes on him the only person willing to piss off dragon by stealing one of his kids is shanks#sibling verse#extended family verse#i'm going to be cackling all fucking day anon thank you
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Hey y’all! Slightly weird request, but can you please give me any “living around coyotes” advice you have? My mom’s backyard has no fence and backs onto a huge open field which goes up to foothills, which are also unoccupied by humans. She’s been trying to grow vegetables this year, which means she has a lot of ground squirrels in her yard (eating the vegetables), which seems to be attracting coyotes? They’ve been getting closer and closer and today she sent me a picture of a coyote what appears to be less than 100 feet from her door. The problem is my mom likes to take long walks in that big field and the coyotes keep getting closer to her on those walks. I know they make coyote-safety vests for dogs but idk the human equivalent? It’s not like one or two coyotes, it’s a bunch of them. I think she said the most she’s seen at a time is seven.
#the person behind the yarn#tj asks weird questions#we got coyotes where I used to live but like I lived in the suburbs#so coyote avoidance was like...don't let your small dogs out into your backyard alone#always go with them#and like maybe don't go riding your bikes or on a walk by that one particular back road at dusk#because that's when the coyotes like to be there#my mom's version of staying safe with coyotes is just to loudly say 'I see you!' when she sees a coyote#when I was a little kid we also had a slingshot and biodegradable ammo (it was stale jellybeans)#but that was because we had particularly aggressive squirrels#also because my parents knew neither my siblings nor I would ever manage to actually hit one#it was not meant for coyote avoidance#when I got a little older as a kid we got my brother's dog and effective got no more large predators in our yard#because she'd scared off all the small animals. we never had another rattlesnake once we got her#idk. my version of coyote avoidance involves. you know. avoiding them.#my mom does not seem to want to do that part.
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*draws something for the first time in a while. “Man I suck at drawing! Maybe go back to being good at it if I draw more!”
*doesn’t draw
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“Oh I got a neat idea for a drawing! Surely I have gotten better by now!” Loop post
#this revelation brought to you by the one and only#midnight brainrot#probably could not of put these things together without the malaise of a mind awake at 3 am again despite saying that they’re ”trying to fix#their sleep schedule ~”#bah. I say things yet never do them. my brain always blocks any sort of progress with ”just one more video”#even fun and enjoyment bends the knee to this declaration#even other YouTube videos!#when I do break it I end up back where I was because like asking for literally anything my brain does so much pushback that it feels#inherently wrong on a fundamental level#I don’t think I’m depressed I like life too much and enjoy existence#is this my brain punishing me for not dying before reaching adulthood like I always thought I would? or is it punishment for not constantly#going from the end of high school to another school like I planned because my purpose in life was to learn and go to school until I die#now I am left without purpose. literally wandering my house like a ghost when no one’s home#I say the two same things to my brother when he gets home so much that he once made a joke about me being an npc#and the worse part is. it wasn’t about that dumb TikTok brainrot meme thing. no it was because I say the exact same things the exact same wa#y every time he gets home. worse more is I can think of several other ways that that statement could be more accurate that he doesn’t know a#bout#I wish to game but never do#I want to make art and such but I never do#I went to an art class for years when I was a kid for Pete’s sake!#my parents complain about my hair being too long and I agree but I still want it long I just always kept it short because of simple ma#maintenance. the only reason I ever grew it out was to keep warm I. the winter!#I spent my childhood with self imposed utilitarianism for no reason#no reason to expand my horizons and explore myself because I thought of myself as a lesser being that was fated to die randomly before#I could reproduce.#oh my goodness the reproduction thing! I thought I was straight for the longest time because I had to be#because the purpose of a person is to reproduce. yet I was all like”I can’t reproduce as I am autistic and would taint my offspring. I am a#genetic dead end and deserve to have the effect of natural selection take place”#through tv show mimicry and being a utilitarian little git I forced myself to be straight for years#and the worse part is I KNEW GAY PEOPLE EXISTED AND I ENVYED THEM FOR NOT HAVING TO REPRODUCE OH MY GOD IS THIS WHAT KARKAT FELT LIKE? NO I
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when ppl are like "do u know ppl of x minority that ur still in contact with" as a gotcha ig to say ur not actually as open and progressive as you say you are but bud... i dont talk to anyone from my past, lmao, I dont think thats a fair metric to go by quite frankly
#no i dont talk to that person anymore. just like i dont talk to any of the privileged ppl i knew anymore either lmao#i kinda cut everyone off bc apparently ppl in my state just have a hard on for being judgemental assholes all the time and im tired of it#i thought maybe it was me but i hear from ppl who arent from here all the time that ppl are way more weird and cliquey here#and its hard to make friends so. i feel less bad now lmao.#i thought i was crazy but no im seeing reality perfectly clearly. ppl just are super cliquey here for no reason#and anyone who strays from the status quo in any capacity must be Shunned and Condemned for being Wiyuurrd#the more right leaning types dont try to hide it. but the progressive try to cloak their disgust and uncomfortability with people#being different with a bunch of excuses. literally making shit up about me to justify hating me so they can still feel progressive#while hating and making fun of me in an explicitly rw way#like. acting like kiwifarms people out here being fucking strategic n shit pretending to like me so they can make fun of me type shit like#you look like a nazi dawg lmao.#you make me feel like hanging out with my brothers friends- who definitely leaned a bit to the right- is more ideal bc at least they're#fucking out in the open and honest about making fun of me bc they think im weird. yall are too cowardly to just own up to it.#'n-no i swear its because he did [thing i either did but it didnt go down the way they said or something they made up]! i swear im not#just making shit up just to make fun of him !!!!!!! i promie!!!!'#i literally cut off all my hair bc of taking 'lsd' from those same brothers friends bc i went fucking crazy basically (trying to emphasize#how low the bar is that id rather hang out with these dudes than the more left leaning ppl i knew) and people assumed i did it bc some girl#who had or died of cancer that i never even fucking heard before??? like idk. ig they thought i was trying to be insulting or smthn????#i didnt even know who this chick was and it was my first time hearing about her when ppl told me someone spread that rumor.#bitch i was sitting in my bathroom for hours having weird discussions in myself and basically fighting between my real self#and what felt like an external force of all the judgements ppl have made about me manifest into one being (zero) trying to convince me#i couldnt be me and i felt like he possessed me to cut off all my hair and i heard him say 'THIS ISNT YOUR REAL HAIR!!!'#since it was dyed at the time and i was embracing being trans and embracing being my true self but something about that 'trip'#fucked me up and detrans and it had a lot to do w another trip i had w those same brothers friends making me feel inadequate.#i dont know who da fuck you were talking about bitch im living in a nightmare over here can we talk about that instead of whatever tf#you're going on about and making up to justify hating me and ignoring my suffering?
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the problem of the matter is i did internalize so much of what ex friend believed about me. even though i knew he was wrong and knew what was happening and tried to stop it and if i took more action to stop it would have been abusing power i held in a way i couldn't live with myself for.
#A BAD PERSON TRYING TO RUIN YOUR LIFE WOULD'VE GOTTEN YOU FIRED AND EVICTED IN WINTER IN ALASKA YOU MOTHERFUCKER. WHICH I DID NOT DO#he was renting a room from my dad. for cheaper than he wouldve been able to find anywhere else. his brother was too#his brother didn't pay rent for over 6 months and my dad just forgave him the debt because my dad knew how much of a difference it wouldve#made when he was that age. and i had told him ex friend was family to me & my dad applied that to the brother too. bc he is a good person.#and one of the strongest parts of my support system. and i didn't say a word to him about what was happening until i knew he already had a#plan for when he would be ending ex friend's lease. so there would be no subconscious impact on ex friend's housing either#mgmt at work straight up asked me if i thought ex friend should be fired immediately multiple times and i'm in retrospect livid they put me#in that position but told them to go by the strike system in the employee handbook and to follow policy that ex friend knew perfectly. that#it couldn't be on me as acting assistant manager to choose#and after 10 months of workplace harassment i got a different job to save my life. ex friend didn't get fired.#he did saw trap shit to my brain!!!!!! jesus christ#he moved cross country to live with his long time gf he called his wife despite never having met irl. to a way more conservative state.#despite being gay. and she left him this summer lol#hadn't checked his twitter in over a year when it got pulled up frm an old link and i saw that. and when he was already at a low point too#me voice. oh no who could've seen this coming. from how you behave in every relationship in your life#may delete this in the morning. but i have to talk about it sometimes#i'm never reaching out for closure both bc he wouldn't give me any and because i know it would trigger him and i don't intentionally trigge#people. unlike him :)#vampire pit#like. i have to talk about it sometimes. i have to talk about it.#jam posts
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barok van zieks perilously close to terminally online brain with his ice cold "a japanese person killed my brother so now i hate all japanese people" take
#aa#ace attorney#dgs spoilers#dgs2 spoilers#dgs#tgaa#i don't hate the dude as a character#which is impressive given the blatant and unapologetic racism#i knew there was like. a reason for it.#but this is sooooooo not even close to a justification#which to be fair i don't think it's supposed to be#this is not a criticism of the writing#it's a criticism i would say to van zieks himself#it's like how i hate Victor Frankenstein and love mary shelley#hey. barok. you can't blame an entire race of people for one guy#'a japanese person killed my brother' well more than likely a British person followed your career and murdered everyone#who you didn't get declared guilty#(haven't finished dgs2 yet)
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Looking at a character like "I understand why you did that but it was such a dick move and you knew better."
#tzu rambles#bc i GET dorian didnt believe he had a shot at life at all#but hes not a mindless idiot#hes not just running on instinct hes a PERSON#and instead of turning his anger at the person who hurt him (rhinedottir) he goes for his little fucking brother#he had such insane tunnel vision. just decided that it had to be albedo#even though he could TELL rhinedottir wasnt here???#did he ever consider that albedo was left behind as well#even if it wasnt for the same reason and if its certainly not as bad a fate as dorians#he NEVER stopped to have even a shred of sympathy#even thought thats what he demanded of others.#hes not STUPID. he KNOWS his aim was to hurt people. he KNOWS he was doing something bad IF NOT THE SAME AS WHAT HIS MOTHER DID?????#not even the same. i'll never say it was “worse” per se but it was so ridiculous. what did albedo do#he only knew of you from rhinedottir. he has a very skewed idea of relationships because of how he was raised.#its just so so SO unfair and i cant get over it#but its okay hes my favoritest ever i love him#*said while shaking with rage*#also again. JUST LIKE HIS MOTHER.#RHINEDOTTIR!!! WAS AIMING FOR PERFECTION!!! AND DORIAN WASNT PERFECT!!! AND SO!!!#BUT THEN HE DECIDED THAT HE DESERVED THIS LIFE!!! MORE THAN ALBEDO!!! THAT HE SHOULD BE THE PERFECT ONE!!!!! ARE YOU INSANE!!!!#HIS INTENT WAS TO THROW ALBEDO OUT AND TAKE HIS PLACE THE SAME WAY RHINEDOTTIR THREW HIM OUT#WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR ISSUEEEEE#WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM!?!??!#I WILL KILL HIM
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