#if its something worth getting mad about ill get mad

[iqmmir]

I am an okay person i think

[fortunately-bi]

...... If I went on a hiatus for who knows how long again would y'all hate me....... 👉👈

[caruliaa]

someone else when theyre in a thinking of someone as their best friend when they dont think of them that way contest and their opponent is me

[biolumien]

hi omg your hoshina fics are so *word vomit* i just checked your acc and all and im not sure if you do reqs or something but ill give my best shot... do you think you could do a hoshina x reader angst/pining especially in hoshina's pov,,, something AAAA hahaha thanks you then again mad work i love it keep it coming hhehehehehehehehehehehhehe !!! 💖💖💖

notes: hihi tysm for liking my work <3<3;; im still coming off my fever rn so i'm doing some drabbles for now; i hope that's okay...!

in the wake of your leave

soshiro hoshina x gn!reader angst for sure. gomen :pray: word count: 558

love’s a dangerous thing. there’s no one that knows it better than hoshina–or that’s the kind of thing he tells himself, to stay jaded. you can dedicate yourself to as much of a cause as you want–dedicate yourself to people, to anything–but it might never amount to anything. he kept it realistic, or so he told himself. he’d locked his heart away, covered it in layers of charm and casual retorts, and tried not to think about the feeling of getting closer to someone.

he couldn’t fall for you. that was explicitly prohibited. 

so he had to resort to watching over you from afar. he was sure you didn’t know–or at the very least, you were as bad at communication as he was, so the two of you never really confessed to each other. you’d spend time around each other–talking about the next mission, training together, and sometimes he wondered if it could be more. if he’d let his walls down just enough to allow more. to let you see just how irredeemable and wretched he thought he was.

but he didn’t.

he couldn’t. how could he ever be worth even a fraction of your grace?

he wouldn’t fall in love. he couldn’t. he wouldn’t regret not getting close to you. 

that’s what he said to himself the day he found your body, your eyes glassy and blank. there was nothing to it, is what he told himself, as he pushed the rubble off your body and pulled you close, desperately trying to feel for your pulse and finding nothing. there was nothing to it, is what he reminded himself, even as something burned at his eyes.

he would regret nothing, because he hadn’t loved you.

he hadn’t, had he? had his hands not shaken as they brushed blood from your face, his heart cracking at fragile edges as he closed your eyes as they dully reflected his expression? had he stood there as cleanup evaluated the bodies, pushed one of the crew away as they tried to take you away? he hadn’t. had he? that would mean he cared. that would mean you weren’t just a statistic to him–that, oh god, the weight of your body–your cold body, devoid of all its warmth–it was real. all too goddamn real.

what was he supposed to do at your funeral? what was he supposed to say? what was he supposed to do, really? he wasn’t close to you. that’s what he told himself. he wasn’t close to you, and yet he remembered the shape of your smile, the way the sunlight caught your hair. he wasn’t close to you, but didn’t he want to be? didn’t he hate himself for wanting it in the first place? 

“is there anything you want to say, hoshina?”

he hates that mina’s eyes are filled with pity. 

it makes something in him recoil, deep within his gut–a nasty, chewing feeling that makes his hands tighten, digs crescent-shaped indents into his palms. 

“i never even told them how i felt,” hoshina says.

and his voice cracks at the last word, and he leans forward, pressing hard against his eyes.

“i never even told them how i felt, so why…” hoshina whispers, his voice cracking.

he wasn’t in love.

he’d never be.

and as angry tears flowed down his cheeks, he tried to believe it.

[glacierclear]

dumping fuckboy leon ramblings because i need to post it somewhere.

fuckboy leon would remember all the miniscule details about your life and he'd surprise you. he'd take you out on some shitty date and act like an asshole, and then hold his arm out before you eat your food and he's like "wait, dude aren't you allergic to soy or something? i think its in that."

he'd remember your favorite flower. and he'd huff and groan over you borrowing his sweatshirts but he'd never want to take them back unless its to get them smelling like him again. he'd accidentally say some stupid shitty thing about your appearance because that's all he knows from his friends and when he sees you get upset there's gears that turn in his head like. is that...not normal? why are they mad???? should i be getting mad ????

and you'd fall asleep on him and his entire left side would fall asleep and he'd be annoyed but he wouldn't be able to bring himself to wake you up.

and he'd ruin all your fucking attempts at dating. it wouldnt read as jealousy. not at first. he'd just do some shit. see you hitting on someone and he'd walk up, wrap an arm around you and be like "hey, how's your diarrhea going?" just to skeeve out the other person and you'd get so pissed and ask him why the fuck he did that and he'd just shrug "its funny."

fuckboy leon's epiphany moment would be so cute but it would make me cry.

him realizing he's in love. and he loves you. and what that means. and the inevitable fallout of him dealing with that and all the feelings.

i know he's terrified of commitment. he would not want to go for it. he'd maybe try and say "maybe i can just do FWB for a while and it'll be okay. maybe ill be okay with that".

but it makes him feel worse.

he tries every trick in the book but his book SUCKS.

so he tries to cut you off.

goes distant.

flings himself into other women to try and forget.

it makes him feel worse.

he picks fights with you. "maybe if they hate me i'll move on."

it makes him feel worse.

him finally breaking down at 3am calling you while he's out cross faded as fuck. dumps everything on you.

he regrets it in the morning. he does. he tries to backpedal. tries to say "wow i was sooo fucked up i don't even remember".

but you remember.

and you wont let him get away with it.

he needs you to chase him a little bit. he needs you to reassure him that there's something in him worth trying for, because otherwise what's the point. you're just there to make fun of him, right?

but once he's yours he's yours.

and it'll take a long time to undo all the things he was forced to teach himself. all the ways he was forced to hate himself. ohhh it'd be infuriating but at the end of it all you'll have a soft, sad man who wants to know love and he wants to love you so intimately and he'll do anything it takes to fight for you.

[changbinsboobs]

haii can you do skz ideal types? like physique and personality. thank youu

Hi:) since i want to do those readings properly im gonna do them one by one and since i already have some for individual members i'll use this ask to start with chan:)

So, i originally started doing an Ideal Type reading but it got hijacked😅 so i guess im reading on his current energy. I'll try to still add something about his ideal type if i manage getting past the bitter energy but i think ill have to redo it some other time since i believe his opinion would be very influenced by his current feelings right now.

Take it with a grain of salt!!!

Chan's current energy / Ideal Typ

For his physical type i got pretty weird cards ngl, 3 of them are the tower, 5 of cups and 5 of wands, the 4th one's queen of pentacles. Tbh i didn't really get any hints about anything physical. He seems angry and bitter.

I think this reading is gonna be hijacked by something else he wants to talk about. I sense he has had a bitter experience thats still fresh in his mind, i think he got dumped tbh!

Like im seeing a situation with lots of bickering. Ogmg ok wait i have so much to say about it this situation has so many layers!

He feels like he lost something great and regrets his stupid actions.

At the same time tho he thinks its that persons fault and if they were better he wouldn't have acted in a way that would get him dumped.

But then again he feels like he's at fault and regrets it a lot.

But he's also so angry cuz they kept having fights, and she kept exhausting him and he kept not being enough. He feels horrible when he's not enough! He doesn't want to feel like that. He wants to live up to her expectations, to peoples expectations. But he just couldn't in this situation with that person.

It seems like he actually got himself a high quality girl - the he couldn't keep obviously. And he's in so much distress with all his conflicting feelings and thoughts. Im sry but im getting a bit angry at him here🙄 its that male stupidity with lack of accountability whatsoever! You cant expect to give the bare minimum, to be an excuse of a "man" and except to get all the perks real man and masculinity gets you! Deal with the consequences bro🙄 -> not necessarily meaning him, im just seeing the picture from his view, so idk how "horrible" he actually was, i was rather talking about the general population of useless men that just have the audacity to expect the best when they themselves aren't worthy of it and then get mad when they can't keep it.

Anyways back to chan - im also getting mommy's boy vibes here omg its getting worse😩😭 i feel like with this situation he's like "forget her bro, she's not worth it. Your mom used to cook and clean, and take care of 3 children and do everything by herself and she didn't whine and was always so giving. I want a woman like that! This girl wasn't lie my mother - she's not worth it, get over her and stop feeling guilty." Don't take that monologue word for word i was rather training to paint the feeling behind his thoughts.

So yeah we have that...tbh i didn't expect him to have a reaction like that like with the comparison to his mom. The rest i expected, but this? Damn🥲

Also this whole situation seems very dramatic, but what I've noticed in the male population overall is that they tend to blow things way put of proportion, and so knowing chan and his tendencies for a victim-complex, pick me, delulu and stuff - im pretty sure this situation might've been not dramatic at all. Just 2-3 little discussions (not full blown arguments and fights as he depicts it) or even just opposing opinions, where he just felt attacked in some way just by her disagreeing or something...and then after a few dates or weeks of dating she politely told him she doesn't want to see him anymore cuz they don't see compatiable and he broke down.

Again idk how things are for real cuz i haven read the other girls energy nor have i read just the energy itself, im just reading HIS energy and perception, but it feels really needy and excagerated so thats whats leading me to believe that it might not be nearly as bad.

So i managed to get some cards on his ideal types personality only and i got those: 3 of cups, 6 of pentacles, page of cups & king of wands.

His types a younger, more innocent and inexperienced girl he can take care of and teach and lead.

She likes a girl that's social but shy. Someone he can take with when meeting his friends and show of. But as i said - social enough for him to be able to do that - but but also shy so he stays sure that theres no risk of her "going wild" (goddamn bro u forreal?🫠)

Im actually getting something about physical appearance - slender, middle hight, like just a bit shorter than him, prefferably forreign with lighter skin and ginger or light brown or dark blonde hair. Im also seeing big head? Like yk this type of body with very slender narrow shoulders, long lanky arms and legs, but a bigger head where it also seems disproportionate to the body? Its so specific i almost think thats what his last girl looked like.

And he also wants a girl thats submissive and will see up to him and make him feel like a boss or a king or a ...daddy (🤢 im sry i just cant hold in the cringe)

In conclusion - i think this ideal type i got from the cards isn't his true ideal type but rather something that came out of spite. Like if i had to guess he's describing the girl he lost, but without her empowering qualities so that he doesn't get hurt.

Judging on the energy of this reading and previous ones ive done i think he has had a think for strong dominant women because he's fascinated with inner strength and power and always wanted to conquer a woman like that because in his head it meant he has that amount of power and strength the said woman had and even more - since he has managed to tame and conquer her. Now that he's tried tho he got met with the cold reality and got a slap in the face realizing he might not be fit for the task just yet and is just sour about it😃

As weird and unexpected this reading was i really enjoyed it cuz it was really shocking to me actually and even gave me a bit of a slap in the face, reminding me how he's just a man...and that he apparently does stupid things like any other guy too.

[secretagentsloveblogs]

a few milo headcannons:

he talks out of the side of his mouth. and he tilts his head ALL the time, hes such an animated speaker. he cant sit still fr

other people have said it but it deserves repeating, his accent gets so much thicker when hes feeling strong emotions.

he laughs when hes mad and its scary for everyone in the immediate vicinity bc it doesnt happen often, but when it does... run.

leans on doorways (with his arms crossed, OR just his thumbs in his pockets.)

this man is always flirting, doesnt matter if he and sweetheart have been together six years. hes the type to make the point that just because theyre at mate status doesnt mean hes "won" them, its a continuous effort.

milo and sweetheart are readers. (they read naughty stuff. one of the two will finish the book first and rate it on a scale they created and tell the other if its worth the read. then the other mate gets to read it.)

milo wears cosmetic eye contacts for special events. or just out to a nice dinner. something about matching his outfit etc.

he has so many specific mood playlists, its insane. his spotify has like 483 playlists, most of them several hours long, all for different moods and vibes. his favorite and most played playlist is his summer playlist for making dinner. fleetwood mac, etta james, mazzy star, the temptations. its there. (im making it an actual playlist btw.)

that being said, he also drinks red wine while making dinner if its appropriate for the meal (and he has the nicest set of wine glasses youve ever seen).

he has the largest collection of cologne/body spray probably ever. he routinely switches them out based on the mood and season. he keeps out the ones that are sweethearts favorites though + he has a signature favorite (and will wear it/any cologone no matter what, if sweetheart asks him to).

-

maybe ill add more to this one day! pt 2 eventually? 👀

[thatneoncrisis]

to be so honest i think a lot of people are purposefully misunderstanding you because they’re mad you’re criticizing something they enjoy. people can send asks and respond to your posts with whatever odd justification for obvious (and racially charged) fetishization of trans women they want but i think the core of their anger is just that they feel made fun of and are making it into a moral argument. no doubt a lot of the people taking issue with your fic started to read it earnestly and then felt betrayed by the twist to the point that they have to make you doing something that they don’t like into you being a bad person, and that your commentary on how trans woman are treated in this fandom is just something that they’re using as ammunition for that. i really don’t think they care about how trans women are depicted or how trans women themselves feel about it, they just don’t like you lol

yeha theyve just. told themselves i dont believe theyre capable of making anything of worth unless its exactly what i like. that the trans women whove told me outright in the comments and other places that they do feel incredibly put off by the "cis girl with nine inches" thing just dont exist and im whiteknighting for them instead of the possibility that the discussion of transmisogyny would get shut down by "dont like dont read" rhetoric, ignoring that this leaves them very little to read, because this is the default for how trans women are viewed, especially in smut. and now its become a conversation about me writing trans panic because i wrote that harrow was so shocked about how gideons dick looked she realized she was in a fic, and people reading that as if she was appalled at gideon having a dick at all- despite them both being trans

and ill keep reiterating the fic was born from a place of anger, i was pissed. nonessential details about little gripes i have regarding this or that slipped through, i wanted to write something that would blend in better so the twist would hit harder. but i do not believe for a second that if i tried going up to them and confronting them one on one about the shit they write (not that i even wanted to! i dont care about them as individuals the point is so many people fall into this kind of writing it would be impossible to talk to them all) would have actually changed any of their behavior.

and thats the THING. i CANT change anyones behavior. but i can make people more aware of it, aware of what they are fucking read, read the comments where trans butch woman talk openly about how those fics made them pull away from the fandom because theyre so common

[glassica]

The Love Rival

Notes: wlw, toxic yuri, transmigration, magic, obsessiveness, possessiveness, accidental kid-napping, one-sided love, drugging

Gina barely finished the book before seeing herself getting shoved into it to play the role of the female lead. It wasn’t bad, she told herself. The novel was romcom, and for the most part it was full of tooth-rottening sweetness and little banters between Holly, the female lead, with her lover Julian. All Gina needed to do was replicating all the scenes and dialogues happening insides the book and she was good to go. There were trials and obstacles testing the love of the young lovebirds, but Gina concluded only the love rival Elise was worth watching out.

Elise, the love rival in question, was an embodiment of that stereotypical mean girl getting in the way of the main couple. Initially Holly’s best friend, their relationship soon fell apart after the heroine started getting more and more involved with the male lead, which some believed to be Elise’s target. She was a particularly irritating character, always interrupted the couple’s private moments with her childish antics. One time she deliberately fake an illness so Holly had to postponed the date with Julian. Another time she convinced Holly’s parents to let her daughter be escorted everyday by Elise’s carriage, thus preventing the late night trysts her best friend often go with that gentleman. But Gina was confident she could handle this. If anything, she had it easier than other unfortunate transmigrators who were forced to play the roles of villains, her biggest obstacle was only dealing with a petty love rival… or so she thought.

“Lady Elise… Why would you do this to me?... What have I done wrong?”

Gina kneeled down, her head spinning like crazy and eyes started getting blurry. Besides her was a cup of some saccharine-smelled purple liquid spilling all over the altar. When the heart within thumping louder and faster and her breathing began to feel like a chore, Gina could vaguely sense this was the end for her.

Elise’s chuckle was cold, the kind of laughter of a ruthless villain lavished in the madness of their scheme unfolding just as their wish. Well, of course she would, the villainess’s revenge was nearing its final stage.

“Oh, you sure did. You’ve done me wrong. Very, very wrong. Something unforgivable.”

The noblewoman gritted teeth furiously. Her azure eyes normally compared to calming waves of ocean, now resembled the endless raging tsunami determined to swallow whole that defenseless figure into its pit bottom. Gina couldn’t believe the cold-blooded monster right in front of her, whom there was a time, had been the dearest friend to the owner of this body. Was jealousy really that nasty of an emotion to completely erased all those years of good rapport between two young ladies?

Silence downinng the empty church’s atmosphere. Lurking underneath was a sense of dread and bloodlust emanating from the crazy antagonist just served to suffocate further the tormented heroine. Gina hadn’t uttered a single word back, her only goal at this moment was to try catching breath.

“Stop that half-hearted act, will you? I’m getting nauseous already from seeing you imitating my precious friend.”

Gina’s mind, which had been clouded and hazy from the drink, miraculously clear again from the shock. How did she know? Was Lady Elise all this time aware about another soul possessing her old friend’s body? So all this time the one Her Ladyship desire wasn’t the male lead but Holly herself?

“You’re a fraud. A poser. You tried clumsily to mimick the manners and attitude of my dear friend, but you could never be her. Yes, no one. Absolutely no one could ever replace my Holly. Absolutely no one could take her away from me.”

“Those annoying geezers were right. I should’ve consulted a proper wizard instead of hastily attempted a spell when having no experience with sorcery. Now not only I still haven’t own Holly’s heart, some stupid wench out of nowhere possessinng and ruining her body.”

“So you’re the reason behind my situation!” - Gina hissed. “How could you put the blame on me when all of this mess was all from your own misdeed!?”

“Oh sweetheart, do not worry. That’s exactly why I brought you here today! To right all my wrong.”

Elise kneeled down, taking the final look at the trembling figure in front of her. Deep down, she did feel sorry for the unassuming soul who was unfairly involved in this tumultuous one-sided love, but soon Her Ladyship snapped right back. No, she needed to look out for her beloved only, this dummy wasn’t worth getting swayed over.

“Soon enough, your soul will exit this body to make room for the rightful owner’s back. I’ll have Holly all to myself and you get see your old world again. Isn’t that a great deal? Considering this as my apology for making you suffer unjustly, Gina.”

[no-wings-no-angel]

Obsessed with how Cellbit’s position on, idk, the youtube-twitch-over-all-internet-and-popular-imaginary has changed through time.

He started as a teenager from the deep brazilian south with undiagnosed mental illness screaming at the his computer, playing portal and minecraft. Played Hunger Games minigames. Was a cannibal convict in Fuga Impossível. Then he got fangirls and fanclubs and fanfiction written by the fangirls because he was oh so pretty and oh so funny (couldnt even grow a beard back then) (langer era was insane he was just weird blonde kid with blue eyes) Then he got astronomously famous, foi expluso da bgs, got in a movie and ads on tv (not just recarrego trinta reais theres others. does anyone remember the gvt one?), was a national phenomenon at this point. Then this man had a mental breakdown in real time, got his anxiety meds and went: hey that wasnt me. that was anxiety. im so mentally ill. im getting better. i watched a bo burnham special. from this day on im changed man. please stop thinking of me as that child. then he came back as some half-joking-half-serious enigma-puzzle-storyteller, his twitch presence became bigger than his youtube one, made an arg with time travel that no one remembers, do not believe his lies, cicada 3301, full simulacra era cellbit. had another breakdown. lost his sense of identity again, watched another bo burnham special, glorified his past persona only to realise his stuff was kinda mid and did this all in real time on his youtube channel in a way so real i think about to this day when im unsured about my art. got serious For Real This Time. Rpg era, got legitimized by the rpg nerd bros for like 2 seconds, didnt want ‘fans’ just ‘rapazeada’, everyone fucking hated him for a year because he called someone ‘pleb with prime’ and in some mind boggling way got trolls to call him pretty on his twitch chat at 3 in the morning because they caught wind that ‘he did not like people commenting on his appearance’. Ordem got really big. Nerd rpg bros got mad at him again because bc now people care just about ordem not rpg in general. [REDACTED INFO: THAT ONE SHIT SHOW THAT TILL THIS DAY IM NOT SURE ANYONE KNOWS WHAT REALLY HAPPENED I TRUST NOBODY ABOUT THIS]. Qsmp, got back with pac and mike, bringing joy to all the graduated tazer-cell-craft children. got gay married on minecraft, got gay divorced in minecraft did LOTS of stuff in minecraft. (i was not there for qsmp believe it or not i have a life and cant watch 8 hour streams everyday). [REDACTED INFO: ANOTHER FUCKING SHIT SHOW] Became some sort of queer-icon-but-actually-hes-straight-oh-wait-hes-asexual-i-didnt-know-that-makes-a-lot-of-sense-remember-that-discord-screenshot-‘if-you-need-to-have-sex-for-something-then-it’s-not-worth-it’-yeah-i-do-funny-how-these-things-happen. Openly/jokingly flirts with men but has girlfriend hes very happy with. Went on what i can only call a world tour to see all his new buddies. Now people call him hot and babygirl and say they want to do unspeakable things to this man on tumblr.com. People are using cellbit profile pictures again. It has become a full circle. The snake eats its own tail. We can never escape samsara. Story repeats itself again and again and again. History is a circle.

What a career. Wtf just happened Rafael my guy.

[hazshit-hotel-hater]

The way substance abuse has been handled on the show thus far genuinely upsets me and reeks of writers who either 1.) don't understand the subject matter they're presenting and haven't done even the bare minimum to research it or, worse, 2.) simply don't care.

Apologies for the slight rant incoming, your comment about how it has been mostly "handled" off-screen got me going because that's 100% true and in that truth is such a missed opportunity for the show. The way it has been handled winds up feeling incredibly shallow and juvenile at the end of the day, especially for a piece of media that is attempting to present itself as "adult" and navigate multiple incredibly sensitive topics. I'll try not to get into my own personal experiences and will speak broadly, but the show uses substance abuse more as a cheap character flaw to poke fun at or something to magically handwave away when it is inconvenient, rather than the life-altering, debilitating illness that it is.

Nothing about Angel's use is ever meaningfully explored. It's so (apparently) unimportant to his arc and development that one rude comment from Husk (a character who ALSO has a problem with gambling and alcohol that is never addressed) is all it takes for him to suddenly "resist temptation" and be shown as "recovered" (unless I'm misremembering). Or was he suddenly going to counseling off-screen too and its just another thing that will be told to us rather than shown? And how does Charlie even handle that at the Hotel (I'd be really interested in this as a moment for her character to have to grow/change too)? Does she even understand substance abuse and the many unaddressed systemic factors that can influence it? Or is the entire recovery process just shame based (because that works so well /s) combined with some more corny trust exercises? Why is this incredibly serious topic relegated to the background as if it's unimportant?

Recovery is hard. It is emotional and exhausting. Withdrawal (depending on what you're coming off of) can sometimes mean excruciating, unimaginable pain and in some cases people literally die. It is not a funny "ha-ha I take drugs because I'm chaotic and wild" quirk to be adored or glorified and it definitely should not be presented as something that can be wrapped up in a month or two off-screen without any development whatsoever. That's just insulting.

When you approach a topic like substance abuse and recovery, I personally feel you need to take in all sides of it. All the missteps that come with it (two steps forward one step back - mistakes are expected and okay), the self-loathing, the guilt and shame, the joy, the sense of freedom, the loss, and the best part of all: the incredibly difficult but liberating journey that is rebuilding your life and learning to love yourself and your body again, once you've chosen to be free and to live life.

Mad props to anyone who has ever battled this disease. You are strong, you are worth it and you are valued. Lol I am so sorry for going off here but I so appreciate you calling out the lack of exploration on this topic in the show. I guess I didn't even realize how annoyed and upset it was making me feel (praying this is coherent...).

This was absolutely coherent don’t worry!! Im really glad to see other people talking about this. I myself have not struggled with drug addiction but I have struggled with other kinds and as someone that studies a bunch of medical junk, I’d say I’m decently knowledgeable.

I’m mainly going to focus on Angel for this since he’s the main character I write for, but I assure you other characters addictions are also handled in my rewrite.

During the actual canon show, we don’t see Angel actually abusing substances that often; there’s a few times, most notably in episode 4, but from the rest of the show onward we hardly see anything. Yes in episode 6 they mentioned relapsing, which, mind you, was done horribly, but I digress. They touch on relapsing; Angel relapses, and then… what..??? What happened from that? I don’t feel upset or second hand guilt of any kind from this scene because we haven’t seen Angel’s attempts to stay sobre and off drugs.

His name is fucking Angel Dust. You don’t, I dunno, think that’d entail a higher dependency on drugs? Why do you think he named himself that?

About his name before anything else, the show has so much potential later on to talk about Angel picking out his drag name and why he chose that specifically. So much potential to explore how he views drugs and himself. He sees them as an escape and something “fun” to take his mind off of his actual life. When you die in a fucking coma and wake up in hell as a spider you’re going to want an escape. You will want to ignore reality. I am fully convinced Angel picked his name once he started performing because thats what he needed at the time. He needs to be like that to survive in hell. Angel is an incredibly mentally ill, troubled, traumatised, and unstable person, and being surrounded by so much intense negative influence only amplifies his current problems. I don’t mean to drag Vox in here but in my last redesign post I mentioned how very mildly bad people can become even worse people in hell because of the environment and this is no different for Angel. He’s been surrounded by crime and drugs his entire life and unable to live comfortably because of his sexuality. He has very likely been struggling with substances since he was a teen. Possibly even younger. He is not going to suddenly get over his addiction because of something like this. It could pave the way to him looking into dealing with it, but things like this can take years. I don’t remember when my addiction started; I’ve been clean for 2 1/2 years now I think, but the amount of relapsing and anguish I experienced while working towards that isn’t something that can be done in a few days or months. I still struggle with feeling like I deserve to say I’m recovering.

I’m hoping they tactfully handle this as they should, but my hopes are low. It’s okay to show a character relapsing. It’s okay to show a character feeling guilty. What matters is that the struggle is there to signify they’re trying. For a character with a song called “Addict” you really don’t see much of it. Drug and alcohol addiction is not a silly thing to just twiddle your fingers with and be like “well I guess thats over!” It’s incredibly insensitive to do so.

Whenever I write about Angel’s struggles with addictions, I focus on how small they can feel until you realise what’s actually happening. Just me talking about my rewrite again, but to get my ideas out here: Angel smokes often. He smokes at the studio when he’s stressed, he smokes at the hotel when he’s stressed, he smokes at in alleyways when he’s bored, there’s almost no location he won’t, but sometimes he tries to smoke less. His lungs aren’t the same as humans and technically he has 2 pairs of lungs, but smoking causes him to cough. This is painful in general and especially painful for Angel since he has barbs going down the back of his throat. Imagine choking on sandpaper, kind of like that. It’s painful, he doesn’t like the sound, Fat Nuggets REALLY doesn’t like the sound, and it’s an overall inconvenience, so he tries to stop smoking as much. Periods like this usually go fine for him until the stress returns or he starts to feel the withdrawal. Withdrawal from any sort of addiction is terrible, and in Angel’s case, just from not smoking it worsens his mental state further. He becomes irritable and stressed and that stress leads to wanting to smoke again to calm down. He may resist a few times and those times should be praised, but he gives in eventually. One cigarette to calm down becomes two, then three, and before he can process himself getting carried away, the entire pack is gone. It’s things like this that make addiction horrible. It’s something that deeply scared me when I was struggling. When I was struggling I was still in the mindset of “I can stop when I want to” and then being so suddenly hit in the face with the realisation that I’m not longer in control of this is terrifying. I could not stop when I wanted to. There were even points where I didn’t want to stop. Even just getting the smallest glimpse of this in an incredibly serious manner with Angel Dust would surprise me. To think the bar is this low on a show that seemingly prides itself on tackling such sensitive topics like you said is appalling. Your show shouldn’t have to be told how to write itself.

[theshelteredbrat]

I'm so done

I don't wanna take care of myself anymore

I don't want to feel anything anymore bc anything I do for some sense of happiness ends badly, makes me feel worse (mainly due to my parents)

But I can't even fucking cry when I try. When I really need to?

But I hate feeling numb so maybe pain will work?

And of course my parents are just sooooo supportive (sarcastic voice). My mom keeps saying things that are basically calling me fat and sluggish. My parents won't let me do shit. Then they get mad at me for so many small stupid things.

They hate whenever I listen to music which is basically my only outlet.

school is fun bc I put on a mask and tell bad jokes and trip over myself to make sure everyone's happy and I'm not hated.

Whenever someone's mad or sad I feel its my fault even tho ik it's not but I feel horrible. And whenever I do share my true feelings they'll either laugh and dismiss it (which happens most of the time) or they get super concerned and I feel like I'm acting out for attention.

And idk I usually regret posting shit like this bc people are always rlly concerned but its sweet considering yall care about me a lot more than most ik irl but plz don't waste ur time over me. Im an attention seeking bitch whos not worth ur time and is js venting

Church and youth group is just great bc God don't care about me. I believe he exists bc I swear he has a grudge against me but he don't bother about me. And I feel like I'm getting preached at whenever I go. But I love the people there and can't really not go to church bc of my parents

And home is just SO MANY FUCKING CHILDREN

Like wtf I'm the oldest, then I get three siblings, which is fine, i love them they're js rlly annoying. Then they get into foster care. Then they stop. Now they're adopting someone. Now they're taking in six boys.

And ik the home is supposed to be a safe space and that's great but I feel so out of place and unwanted and useless. I literally take up a room, a drawer in the bathroom, I eat food. I shower, I use electricity, and tons of money

And I can't get a moment of peace, its literally do this, do that, and chores is good for taking responsibility but like wtf. I feed 1-8 children, get half of them dressed, help with brushing hair and teeth. Now I have to help them learn to read. Help them do their homework. Take them on a walk. Change the diaper.

Wtf this is parenting stuff I shouldn't have to be doing this everyday. My mom doesn't even have a job, she just has two kids during the day and will have to pick kids up (we all go to the same school except for one who takes the bus) and I'm yelled at all the time for being incompetent? For not finding a mess to clean up in a room I haven't been in all day?

For not doing homework when I'd helped everyone else? For not having time to get myself ready bc I have to get kids ready? For not exercising when there's literally no time? For not reading when I don't have any freedom. For saying yes, for saying no, for not having anyextracurricular, for having one?

My mom yells at me that I don't talk to my family enough or spend enough time with them. Do you know how many times I've tried to tell a joke or a cool fact or something funny that happened at school and they yelled at me to be quiet? How many times I've tried to tell them about my friends or a project at school or a new interest I've picked up to be insulted by them? They never fail to point out some flaw or traits that they don't like. How I didn't do something correctly.

Do you know how badly I've wanted to hear "I'm proud of you" in a nondissmissive way? From my family? I heard that from a teacher once in my life. Best memory ever.

I'm so fucking useless and unwanted and numb and tbh i deserve the pain and suffering of life. The mask at school and youth group may crumble and hopefully they'll dismiss me but they almost might get rlly concerned and ill js be the attention seeking bitch like I always am.

Oh God please ignore me. Don't be concerned. Don't waste your time on me. I'm js being a dumb little teen. Sorry if you read that all

[humantargetss]

been awhile since ive posted so ive got a lot to get off my chest bear with me also how is everybody its been nearly a month since I've talked to like anybody on here so..!!

i dont think my parents know i hear literally everything they're talking about down the hall bc ill occasionally hear my mom say something about me to my dad out of the blue and its usually passive aggressive i guess. like for example i guess we're doing something at some point this week and I've told my parents i don't like when they spring plans on me all of a sudden, i don't really know why, it just kinda ruins my day bc most of the time i plan my day around doing things i like and then suddenly that's taken away from me to go do something i really hate so if I'm told like a week in advance i can better prepare i guess. but anyways my mom was like "make sure to tell him bc he'll get really mad at me if you don't" and idk now i just feel like a bad person for wanting to know I'm going to do things i don't want to do in advance and its really annoying bc i understand its not totally absurd that i want to know things I'm doing in advance and not learning the day we're doing it but me doing literally anything that someone else doesn't like feels bad. like i need to stop immediately so they like me. bc I'm so scared of people not liking me, especially my own family??

i know ive established this like soo so many times but i genuinely hate this planet and believe humans are a virus that is slowly killing the earth (and itself). which is probably why i am obsessed with this random globalist propaganda i get while scrolling. I'm pretty sure its for some fandom I'm not apart of but it gives me so much hope that maybe one day militaries wont exist and people wont kill each other to get access to land they can easily share peacefully. i don't know much about globalism as an idea other than being a world-wide government so I'm not going to say anything about it cause I'm really uneducated about it. but these propaganda videos are like so !!! most of them are space exploration based too, quotes like "we were born to inherit the stars" i just love it love it lvoe it!!

does anyone else feel like a terrible person when complaining about a problem when you know other people have it so much worse . oh suddenly my problem is magically fixed (its not ) but I'm fine now bc i realize my life could be a lot worse and idk i guess it gave me a new perspective. like maybe i shouldn't get so angry or sad when things don't go my way, especially if it isn't life-altering bc at the end of the day it probably doesn't matter and i am thankful for how my life has turned out so far

anyways ive come to the conclusion that i don't care if i go to heaven or hell because eternity in itself is torture. and why would finite beings with finite sins be sent to infinite torture or infinite luxury?

gus when life is meaningless because the universe is on a never-ending cycle of doing the big bang, heat death, and then big bang again, but then looking at some pictures of cows and some mountains and like proximal centauri b and suddenly life is worth living

i think parts of christianity are beautiful and i don't have a lot of trauma from Christianity (because i don't think you can count having everyone around you support genocides and thinking being gay is the same thing as murder as trauma) but like some Christians just ruin Christianity. we can have a whole talk about the bible and all the shitty things it says, or all the good things that most Christians conveniently ignore for some reason because they like capitalism and not giving their belongings to the poor, but i do think that generally Christianity in its nature is not bad but its been twisted to be really bad and most people practicing don't realize?? and then they try to justify the verses that literally condone slavery by claiming that slavery and the slavery the verse is talking about arent the same thing (wow its almost like slavery has looked different in different societies, that doesn't stop the fact its still slavery tho!!!) but i especially hate christians that think separation of church and state is stupid, think that because christians in other countries are being killed for being christians they think they personally (a 40 something white man from ohio) is also being persecuted (christians built, have run, and currently do run this country), or christians that genuinely cant handle the idea of other people not being Christian. "love this song but hate this lyric, hope she changes it" its a song about struggling with faith while being a lesbian the song isn't for you!! or christians that think that morality cant exist without religion. oh gee whiz i don't need an omniscient all-powerful god to tell me murder is bad for me to know that murder is bad.

anyways. sometimes i wish i wasnt born then i look up in the sky and see a comet and go "ooo pretty!!" and suddenly I'm ok. or ill literally be at the lowest point I've ever been and then i eat some cheez-its and take a nap and suddenly I'm fine. I've never encountered a problem where eating, taking a nap, showering, or going outside hasn't solved. not necessarily solved, but made me feel so much better when i wasn't doing great. i go outside for every rainbow, to look at every deer wandering in my yard, because earth is so cool!! and it makes me feel so much better to just sit and watch.

i cant stop thinking about how food is completely different on other planets. no potatoes. no tortillas. no burgers. no chicken. no corn. what the fuck!!!! what do these fictional animals eat! they will never know what a strawberry tastes like. is milk, and therefor dairy products, unique to earth? they will never experience sweet potato casserole!!

im done here, please leave me a detailed comment about how you are doing bc i hope your doing great I'm sleepy and I've been typing for a while and ill probably message you tomorrow night by

[emorty]

hey.

i think youve been through a lot. i dont know the specifics, but i know youve had it a lot worse than i have. and you *did* something about it! you fought your way to an escape. do you know how amazing that is?

do you know how often i thought about you since that day on the citadel? i was always wondering what you were doing, how you managed it, what *i* could do if *you* existed. my rick may be relatively decent now, but he used to be so much worse. i dunno if he was as bad as yours, but i dont think he would have gotten better if we hadnt met *you*. he didnt just decide to treat me better out of nowhere! he realized i was worth more because he saw *you*!

and you were going on about how much *i* deserve, but what about what *you* deserve? you deserve to have people that care about you, too. *you* deserved a grandpa that actually cared about you, *you* deserved a family. and you deserve someone who can help carry some of your burdens.

it doesnt have to be me, even if i really wish it could be. i get if its too painful to talk to me, and ill leave you alone.

but i dont think youre a terrible person, even though i got pretty mad earlier. i want you to be happy, too.

-with love, morty

Fuck. I... I think I need a minute. I'll be back.

[fioras-resolve]

Playing Style Savvy for the first time has been pretty cool, delving into a kind of game we don't usually play and getting to experience the fashion world as trans women. (Incidentally, I say "we," we're a plural system. Please don't get mad, at least not in the replies. I'm Maya, I love fashion, and that's about all you need to know.) But playing it has also called attention to something that I just cannot ignore as a fat trans woman, which is the lack of body diversity. So, let's get into it.

So, I wanna start with a concept I'll call "the world of pretty." This is a fictional setting where just about every character is some kind of attractive. Style Savvy is obviously a world of pretty, but so is Final Fantasy, Hades, a lot of anime, and the portfolios of plenty of artists on this site. And this is a good, fun thing, you know? It gives the work a kind of appeal that's incredibly straightforward to understand, so I don't need to dwell on it for too long.

Here's the thing, though. I am, as I said, a fat trans woman. Not many worlds of pretty include someone with a body like mine, because trans bodies are so often forgotten, and fat bodies are simply excluded from a lot of people's idea of what an attractive person looks like. So when Style Savvy doesn't even let me be an XL, the implication is that my actual body is not worth having in your world. And that's not even to mention the limited or non-presence of people of color in many of these works. When I realize that my own body is excluded from a world of pretty, the illusion shatters.

Now, the fact I mentioned tumblr artists as an example of this might raise some eyebrows. After all, this kind of thinking can easily drive someone to hassle an indie artist about changing their style or preferences. I don't want to encourage that here, and if you've received grief about not drawing fat, trans or PoC characters, I'm sorry that happened, and it shouldn't have. I've been in the position of wanting to have this kind of conversation, but knowing it could easily get drowned out by people who do not fucking speak for me. I just want you to be mindful that, when you make attractive character art for a long time, you inevitably create a world of pretty, for good and ill. I can't tell you how to use that power, but I want you to know that it's there.

And, additionally, there are excuses, some better than others. Final Fantasy and Style Savvy are both inspired by high fashion and normal people fashion respectively, so it makes sense their characters all look like models. Worlds of pretty are very marketable, and it can be a hard sell to break from that mold. And it is genuinely hard to have diversity in your work, in a way I will explain right now.

Okay, look. To give Style Savvy its due... gamedev is hard. I would know, this body does it all the time. So like, if you're making a game with any kind of visual element, you need either sprites (2D drawings basically) or models (Basically 3D puppets with potentially hundreds of moving parts). And these models will almost always require a rig, like, a skeleton with bones and joints, that determines how the model can move.

From a production standpoint, you can crank out new characters from the same base model, much easier and faster than if you spent the time building another model with a unique rig. I can't speak for this exactly, because we've never done 3D dev before, but it's just way less of a headache and a hurdle if you're trying to get the most "content" out of your limited budget of staff and time. It just makes sense not spending the time to make different body types, especially in a game like Style Savvy where they'd also have to do a metric shitton of work modeling all the clothing for each distinct body type. I understand this. We sympathize. But what it means is that fat bodies are not in the games' world of pretty.

(hey, Angie here now) so like, i am not immune to the world of pretty. it's part of why i like the things i do, and it's part of why i picked up style savvy to begin with. even as the illusion shatters, i still like a lot of media and artists that don't really do body diversity. but at the same time, as i was playing style savvy i started imagining a version of it that actually did have what i wanted, and used that to create an even more positive experience. like, imagine playing one of these games, playing a clerk at a boutique, and then a trans woman comes through the door, bashful about her looks but desperately wanting to find something that suits her. i'm imagining a world of pretty that includes all body types, that finds beauty in every body. and i know i can't create this because i'm a lowly game designer... but i imagine it and i start to feel happy.

[syrupspinner]

i just completed Hypnospace Outlaw

i sincerely love how much the sci-fi genre is just explaining how much sci-fi stuff would suck if it was real

the reason you play hypnospace outlaw is the aesthetic and presentation, just so were all on the same page. the reason this game got your attention is because its a passionate parody of web 1.0, and it does an excellent job of that. i can tell this game was made with a deep nostalgia for what made the past special without being blinded from its flaws (like the viruses and general difficulty to navigate).

the only problem is that im 24

well i shouldnt say thats a problem. just because i dont have nostalgia for what theyre throwing back to doesnt mean the game doesnt stand on its own. i didnt grow up with a ps1 or n64 but i still enjoy that specific form of lowpoly modeling, for example. its just unfortunate that i cant have the same hit of nostalgia that people slightly older than me can, yknow? i wish i could enjoy this game as much as them

again, the game was still very enjoyable. the puzzles start out very grounded, introducing you the the world and how it functions very effectively, before ramping it up with more abstract mechanics and compounding techniques needed to find more results. the only problem i found myself stuck on in an unfun way was figuring out how to decrypt sandwich files. its one of those puzzles that make you feel silly for not getting it earlier, but in my defence... who the hell would program something that esoteric

as an aside, i saw people discussing what genre games like this would be. by "games like this" i mean hypnospace outlaw, outer wilds, rain world, animal well, that kinda thing. i dont think applying one genre is effective, but instead its about how they combine the genres of exploration and puzzle. instead of having all the tools to solve a puzzle when youre presented with it, you have to leave and seek out the solution elsewhere. notably, if the game isnt build to accommodate/encourage this, itd be pretty unfun. these games and their open-ended design manage to skillfully mesh both genres together: the exploration is the puzzle

so yeah, i really enjoyed the game! there arent a lot of games where its just fun to explore the world as its presented, and HO does a fantastic job of that even without considering the puzzle design. i love just reading about the characters and their lives in hypnospace. this games greatest strength is just how charming it is, theres really nothing that matches it in that regard

i also found it really inspiring. i love how much personality all the characters fit into their webpages. maybe someday ill move this blog to neocities just so i can evoke something half as impact

oh no this was all a secret advertisement for neocities wasnt it! well, it worked, im not even mad (yes i know about the page builder)

anyway! the game is worth it for the vibes alone, and the puzzles are a really solid foundation that everything is built on. totally worth buying! the only thing is if youre going for completion, please use a guide to find all the pages, some are hidden way too well. totally worth it, though. if you know what the "thanked" achievement is named after, you know it makes it worth it. also, buzz was hilarious, i love pranks on the player

now im going to spoil the ending, stop reading this is you want to not be spoiled about the ending, because im about to spoil it now. after sasuke

oh my GOD dylan merchant is such a schmuck. maybe ive just lost too much sympathy for venture capitalist techbros, but i cannot spare any positive regard for this guy. like, okay, i get hes the bad guy, but outlaw 1.0 tries sooo hard to make you feel bad for him it wraps back around to being infuriating. the thing is that i have no idea if this is intentional? like, was a guy who let a teenager go to jail and think about how his prank killed 5 innocent people plus his crush apologizing decades later (*after* being caught) with an unfinished video game supposed to be a sincere tug of the heartstrings? "sorry i killed zane before he could stop being an annoying twerp" "sorry i killed rodney, his family smelled like walmart" "sorry i killed mavis, i think that was her name. i got nothing else to say about her" "anyway thanks for playing the 'final' version of the game that killed everyone. you have successfully absolved me of my sins and sent me to heaven. remember to subscribe and hit that bell icon" DUDE how emotionally shallow and self aggrandizing do you have to be you are a child murderer my guy