#if i was drawing and competent i would probably do a fanart of myself from this moment

[jeannes-world]

I'm the fking knight in the city.

[straightouttabraincells]

Tastes rant

My own tastes confuse me a lot of the time. It's not just that I'm into fat people, but ones that aren't always attractive to the greater FA sphere. Heck, skinny people often times who aren't held up high among the normies.

I suppose what stirs up these thoughts is reflecting upon popular internet waifus who get plenty of NSFW art in all camps. You'll see these characters designed for specific audiences, and I feel entirely missed in these.

I'll see a lot of people fanatically obsess over anime girls. I don't know why. I'll see so much art of them even in my own weird fetish and it simply does not make to me why so many people want to see porn of that hungry dungeon show, for instance. To be frank the only anime girl I've ever actively liked and was happy to see on screen was Hange, and that is not a girl, that is a WOMAN. At least in the anime. Hange is androgynous in the manga from what I remember, and I don't read manga.

And I think the distinction between a girl and a woman matters quite a bit I could go on a rant about what maturity means to me in women but I'd rather not it's late and I'm probably already pissing people off with my sleep debrived ramblings.

ANYWAY- That vampire lady from Resident Evil Village or whatever? Didn't like her, actively groaned seeing her because it was so plainly obvious the marketing was exploiting the horny of the greater internet for publicity on their game. And that is what I feel with a lot of the fanart of certain characters I see. It's an exploitation of the horniness of their audiences, to then influence their audience to not just draw up pornography of those characters, but to then go on to buy merchandise.

Baldur's gate 3 also exploded horniness onto the internet, and probably has had the biggest impact of a video game since Overwatch. But when I attempted to play Baldur's gate three I disliked or was apathetic to the companions you get in the first area. How do you make such a diverse party boring? Same with overwatch. I mean, it's all competently designed, BG3 and OW but none of those characters are remotely likeable.

It only bothers me because when people ask what I like, I will freeze and not answer because the things I do like are unknown or god-forbid taboo in certain circles.

I wonder how much of this I can blame on autism. I would rather fit in. I hold conformity as a general good in my ethics, but then I can't go against myself just to fit in.

Am I wrong to dislike all these things? Tell me what you think

[md3artjournal]

9:15 PM 12/2/2023

I've been thinking of giving up on drawing fanart or even human figures. I just don't have the confidence to compete in the fanart space, doing character art. I barely have confidence to promote myself as an artist of my original art that I've already done. And frankly, I've had so many negative experiences in fandom by now, I feel like I've probably burned bridges I don't know about, and people would not only not want my fanart, but actively disdain the idea of any art coming from me because of my fandom opinions. I mean, one of the top artists in that ship blocked me on Tumblr, after all. (Maybe they didn't like that I like Bottomitri? Maybe they found my hidden posts about enjoying a quick laugh out of jokes about DMCL being teasing, tsundere, and/or flirty, but actually preferring headcanoning them differently. I really don't know.) Like, I already have stickers made of one of my favorite claumitri fanarts, but I'm so reluctant to post in the tags to ask if the fandom wants to buy any, because I feel like that fandom hates me (with a few exceptions).

I've been thinking for some time, about rebranding. I'm thinking of focusing on my sketches of my photography. It's mostly photos of my backyard's flowers and the sky. (Maybe I should go out to Angeles National Forest to take some photos of landscapes. I live across the street from there, after all.) After I found out I couldn't make any merch of my tiger sketches, my best illustrations, because they were based on other people's photos, I started taking my own source photos for reference. But the only subjects I have are my backyard. I'm kind of too socially anxious to leave my house for the past several years. But my flower sketches have turned out pretty well. I just wish I had done more. And I also take photos of the sky: clouds, dusk, etc. So I want to start trying to draw sketches of the sky too.

I subscribe to all these YouTube artists who talk about the small business side of being an artist, and I just don't have the guts to do any of the advice they're giving, because I don't have any confidence in my art. Because I don't have any confidence in myself.

I once told someone that I'll probably WANT to return to an office job, by the time I NEED to return to an office job. (Something like that; I can't remember anymore.) I think I need to return to an office job. I mean, I still have money. But not enough to comfortably outsource and invest in stocking items for sales. I try to hit sticker producers' sales, but I couldn't make the last one in time, and what if it takes a while before the next sale like that in my price range? But if I can't stock enough for a store, then do I just give up? But then I'm still stuck with the same problem I had, when I first decided to try to make my living as an artist:

I just can't be happy not doing art. Even if I'm bad at it. I spent so much time at offices, having excess money, secure with employer sponsored medical insurance, and I had everything everyone said I needed to be happy. Yet, I was still self-destructive and my suicidal ideation crept back. Not as bad as during school---I had improved from cutting myself, to simply digging my nails into my skin or clenching my hands in ways that hurt my joints---but I could feel it coming back again. That's when I decided that if I was too tired after work to do art, and art was what I needed to do to feel life was worthwhile, then art needed to be my job.

But I'm just not good at it. Maybe I don't want it enough. Otherwise, wouldn't I be studying and training more? But I just can't get myself to work hard at it. My dad said once that when you're really into something, you'll automatically find yourself working hard at it without trying. Well, I found myself doing that with art in college. But now, I'm not doing that with art anymore. At least, not at the level I should be. There are people studying so hard in their spare time, that they post astronomical leaps in their 1-year-progression posts on social media. I'm not doing that. Why aren't I working as hard as that?

But I can't go back to an office job. I don't want to go back to feeling suicidal. I don't want to go back to school, because that DEFINITELY made me suicidal and self-destructive (at least at those levels). I don't want to go back to feeling that way again.

But I guess I still have suicidal ideation now. One little mistake today with some grownup responsibilities, and my thoughts are already spiraling about how I'm not cut out for being alive. But if I'm not happy while doing art, nor while not doing art, then maybe I really am not cut out for being alive. I've lost the guts to be actively trying to suicide, as I did when I was in school. But maybe I was onto something. But like I said, I still just don't have the guts for anything. But I'm also not cut-out for being alive.

9:34 PM 12/2/2023

Anyway, I just wanted to remind myself to try sketching my sky/cloud photographs.

11:32 PM 12/4/2023

I've started actually browsing how to get a library job. I've talked several times, on an off, throughout my life, about working at a library. Though, technically, I've already worked at a library during college. It was nice. A lot of times throughout my life, but especially during college, the library was the only place I could be. I had too much social anxiety to go to my dorm and all the communal spaces to hang out were social. (One time, I was racing to study for a test, in one of those communal spaces and religious solicitors took up my precious little study time, trying to recruit me. Ugh.) The library was the only place I could go to be undisturbed, sit down, be warm, and rest---Not that they had enough seating for that, most of the time. But it was still a reprieve my my endless walking around campus, because most spaces aren't built for non-social people. When I was little, I used to be a big bookworm, and constantly beg my mom to drive me to the library again and again. But I learned to hate reading in high school, so I thought I couldn't work at the library. All the library job listings required degrees that looked like they entailed a LOT of reading. And I just can't do that anymore. But my elderly mom got a job at the library for a few years a long time ago, despite her lack of a Library Science degree. So lately I've been reconsidering a quiet life with a library job or any unassuming job, with art as my hobby. Maybe art would be better as a hobby. Less pressure to be on parr with the "competition", and more freedom to feel proud of doing better than me from the past. But then the old fears creep in again about a job taking all my time and energy, until I can't do the things that make my life feel worthwhile, and then I'm self-destructive again.

Anyway, I should at least open an Etsy shop and make some more stickers. I'm really leaning towards rebranding. Maybe into multiple brands, to include my figure photography.

After all, since my figure photography keeps winning contests and features online, then doesn't that mean my best art, the art I should be focusing on, is my figure photography? I've been thinking for a while to start a YouTube side channel for my figure photography. I can be objectively aware that my figure photography isn't exactly the best, especially compared to all the other figure photographers out there. But since it keeps winning recognition, doesn't that mean that people like it enough? Maybe I should be doing something with it? Or at least taking it more seriously. I don't even have an Instagram solely focused on my figure photography! I don't even have a DLSR!

There used to be a figure videography channel I loved called fullOanime, who made figure showcase videos that reminded me of the cosplay music videos that I watched a lot of, at that time. Fulloanime deleted all their figure videos and rebranded, but I always wanted to watch videos like that again. I began to want to make figure videography music videos, like cosplay videographers. (For a long time, I WAS a cosplay videographer. Just not the ones with gyroscopes, making music videos. I just documented cosplay gatherings.) Something for myself to rewatch, the way I used to repeatedly rewatch fullOanime's figure showcases. So often, I see the Nendoroid YouTubers I Follow, talk about how no one is watching their unboxing videos. So even though people have told me that my collection is diverse enough to make a good unboxing channel, I've felt reluctant. (But mostly because i like taking my time, documenting my unboxings for myself, so i can be sure if any damage or missing pieces were like that straight out of the box. I dontwant to redirect focuson turning unboxing into a video, versus documentationfir my records. But also others make it sound hopeless. I don'tneed more of that feeling.) And even the ones doing figure showcases, just aren't using the rewatchable style that fullOanime or cosplay videographers do. It's usually just the figure spinning on a rotating pedestal. Granted, some Nendoroid showcase channels I'm subscribed to, do that well. But I am craving a showcase that is just as interesting as a cosplay music video. I want those videos back, to rewatch over and over, like cosplay music videos or fullOanime's figure showcases. But it's becoming increasingly clear that I guess I'll have to do it myself. But I'm not a film editor! I used to draw comics and people from the animation college would compliment it as "storyboards", but it's been a LONG time since I lost that skill.

So should I make a figure photography YouTube channel about DIY miniature crafts for photoshoot props? Because I do that too. Not to the extent of diorama makers and the figure photographers who assemble entire miniature model buildings from scratch. But just the simple stuff. …Maybe I should make a channel about lazy miniature crafts and the most simple diorama backdrops? lol

Basically, i wonder if I'd be better off with art as just a hobby. I love seeing other artists doing well with their business and making beautiful things. But i don't enjoy knowing that's the bar i have to reach to make a living. Because i can't do it.

[alevolpe]

Hi! I see you are trying to post a drawing every day. Do you go by a prompt list? How do you keep yourself motivated (I also have been slacking off lmao)

Hey! I know what that's like trust me.

I feel like my biggest motivator was seeing how much I was struggling to draw, I was begging to use reference photos more as a crutch than as a tool and my art was suffering hard for it.

Your motivation is gonna differ from mine depending on your goals. I want to pursue animation as a career, so I had to stop what I was doing and truly ask myself ' at my current skill level, could I realistically compete in the industry' and the answer was fuck no.

Why do you want to keep drawing? Just to get better? To pursue a career? To make yourself happy? To install a level of virtue?

Different goals will push you toward different levels of discipline and motivation.

I have been only doing it for less than a week, but I already found myself starting to make excuses. Oh, I'm so tired, oh today it's just not my day, I can skip today and post 2 drawings tomorrow... and that is the n1 reason why I'm posting all my drawings for this challenge.

I work a regular 9-5 and I'm a full time student, not too hard, but I don't have all the time in the universe. I said to myself, I'm posting these, I'm holding myself accountable, so if I fuck up and miss a day everyone will see. Maybe it's a shame motivator, maybe some advanced form of people pleasing, but I do really feel like this is the best way to actually draw evryday for ME. I procrastinate, a lot.

Regarding prompts, I'm always open for requests, but I don't really have the traction to gain more than a couple of 'em. I do not follow any prompt list cause I feel like that would not be very engaging, but that's probably a me thing.

Usually what I do is write down everything that passes through my mind, just open notepad on my phone and scribble the concept of the drawing (5-6 words at most). I have 2 pages worth full of bullet notes that I skim through every day when looking for prompts. Also Pinterest, Pinterest is amazing for inspiration in designs, poses, concepts, anything. I use Pinterest more than Tumblr, just scrolling and saving interesting stuff I find; save everything, you'll be thankful later. The algorithm adapts to what you engage with, so it will take a bit of exploration to get a front page that will recommend the right stuff for you if you're a fresh account, but it's 100% worth it.

Last thing, I love Sailor Moon, more than anything. It's the only constant source of inspiration and motivation that carried me for almost 20 years. I will draw fanart for other stuff, but SM is THE reason I do what I do.

I believe in you! You don't have to follow my format since that's a very personalized way of doing daily drawings, but if you tend to slack off, like yours truly, find the thing that will keep you going. For me it was making a promise online and sticking to it, so if I fail I'll be publicly humiliated.

Thanks for writing in, hopefully this was at least somewhat helpful.

Ps. Forgot to mention technically my challenge is to draw 30 mins a day at least, so don't feel forced to finish a drawing, just post what u got done. Better than nothing!

[sibyl-of-space]

Lots of feelings and thoughts under readmore, but for those who don’t want to read it: if you are on here reading this and you ALSO have a DeviantArt you still use (even if it’s very sparingly) that you’d be willing to share with me, can you shoot a DM? I’ve decided to rekindle my old account for a lot of reasons. Or at least try it out.

It’s similar to the reason I came back to Tumblr and the reason I made my own shitty hand-coded HTML disaster website. We’re all feeling it: how shitty the internet is now. I’m trying out a lot of different approaches to find a healthier relationship to communities, and being an artist and a person on the internet.

I basically had a breakdown this weekend over probably the stupidest possible thing that made me really look at myself and what I’m doing. Or... trying to do. What the hell I’m trying to accomplish.

Because I made that OoT Link amiibo I was so proud of, and I AM SO HAPPY WITH IT. I mean, I literally made it because I like playing OoT with the Zora Tunic and Hover Boots on, so I made a figure FOR ME based on MY TASTES. And it came out SO GOOD I literally could not be happier. And I posted it, and all of my friends were like “Leo that is so cool holy shit.” Which sounds like... the perfect outcome, right?

Except my brain has been fried by Number Go Up and I just felt this emptiness and dread, and I came to a really uncomfortable and disturbing realization as to why.

Like, a lot of shit I post is kind of intentionally for the niche-est of niche audiences, so I kind of expect 99% of my content to get 3 likes from my close friends and that’s about it, as it should be. But... I think, because for once I was actually posting about something that more than 8 people in the universe care about, and (in my opinion) I made something of pretty damn good quality, I had this expectation that I’d... go fucking viral or something.

(I really, really think my couple years being addicted - and I do mean addicted in the unhealthy brain-destroying sense - to Reddit is largely to blame for this. My Yggdrasill ToS cosplay was at one point the highest voted post on the Tales of subreddit; it was easy to feel like a micro-celebrity of sorts with that kind of reaction. Quitting Reddit was legitimately the best thing I’ve ever done for my mental health but it kind of permanently altered my expectations for either Immediate and Immense Approval And Worship, or worthlessness.)

So even though I made something that was supposed to be self-indulgent, and the people whose opinions I care about all gave me glowing positive feedback, I was disappointed because I posted something that Could Be Popular and it wasn’t. And I just kind of sat with that for a second and thought back to posting really shitty fanart in middle school and having a circle of online friends who were also shitty learning artists and we would just talk about video games and draw together and... well I kind of just wondered where the hell it went wrong.

When did I start performing for an imaginary audience of strangers so often, so frequently, and so intensely that it soured my ability to be happy with one of the straight up coolest things I’ve made recently??

And the thing is... well, as far as spaces to share art, what I currently have is...

* Twitter, where there is nothing even close to an archive of past art and everything is just instant snapshots soon to be forgotten * Tumblr, where the site-wide search functions are a hot mess and I feel like I’m competing with 50% the fact that no one can find anything and 50% Mona Lisas on display everywhere under the same tags I’m using * Instagram, which somehow has both the “instantaneous snapshots and then it’s worthless” problem AND the “everything I post is competing with professionals” problem (and not just professionals at the art form, but professionals at SOCIAL MEDIA - because curating your art for interaction on social media is its own whole thing) * Discord but I’ll be real there’s baggage there I’m too exhausted to get into right now. There are some promising spaces though for community, but there is absolutely no form of archive or way to look back on personal growth * My website, which is the only space that feels right for how I want my art to be experienced, but also is completely lacking the community aspect.

So, I looked at my old DeviantArt account. I KNOW about the whole f*cking disk horse with eneftitties and I hate it so much and I’m not even going into it. But my old DeviantArt account has shit I posted in 2012 on there, shit I posted in 2008 on there, and has space for journals and groups and fanfiction and interacting with other users while also centering (or at least, it seems to me) art.

And it’s just about the only space that has felt like that, honestly. Where I can be an artist and a person, post things I like with a little story under them under whatever dimensions, even SLIGHTLY customize my landing page, join little communities of like-minded people.

I logged in and, well unsurprisingly it’s a ghost town and only like 1 person I “Watched” a billion years ago still posts. But then I turned on full FFIX brain and went to search for pictures of Freya Crescent, and in an experience I haven’t had on any other goddamn website in as long as I can remember, I received A HUGE VARIETY OF PICTURES OF EXACTLY THAT, from dates as recent as the past couple years to literally over 15 years ago. Very rough amateurish MS paint drawings showed up right next to professional quality polished pieces and they were all what I was searching for.

Like, holy fuck, HOW fucked is it that THAT experience - searching for a topic on an art site, and seeing that topic, ONLY that topic, and a huge variety of results in it - is so rare that it stopped me in my tracks?

But, like, it’s obviously sad too. It’s sad clicking through the banners of all the old groups I joined and seeing the last posts from like 2014. It’s sad that part of the reason it’s easy to find old drawings of Freya Crescent is because next to nobody has uploaded any in the past 5 years. It’s sad that eneftitties are fucking artists over so bad a lot of them jumped ship in protest, and it’s sad that I feel like I’m engaging with a side of this site that stopped really being alive 10 years ago.

But I’m giving it a try anyway. Because GOD I just want to have a place to share art that isn’t a competition and isn’t polished and professional and beautiful and might let me make and maintain friendships that I actually care about. I’m not trying to compete with pros here I’m just trying to post my things and be myself and have people who might like it be able to find it, so I can find them too. Maybe I want to join an FFIX fan club group and look at a billion pictures of Zidane and Garnet. WHO IS TO SAY.

Anyway.... this is 70% vent post, 30% desperate plea if any of you are on DA to hit me up and let me know what your username is because I would love to log in and see people I know and care about and get excited about what they’re making, instead of just seeing empty long-dead long-abandoned accounts and wondering what those people are up to.

[cardentist]

this isn’t a proper discourse post, I Agree with a lot of what the op said but there’s specific things about it that get under my skin in a way that makes me want to talk about it, but I don’t want to engage with that post both because I don’t want to speak over the point that’s being made and frankly because I don’t want to be misinterpreted because of the point that’s being made in it.

so for context, I’ll just say that it was a long post about how a lack of engagement with women characters in fandom spaces is tied to misogyny. just be aware that I’m responding to something specific and not criticisms of this in general. (feel free to dm me if you want to see the post for yourself)

the rest of this is going to be rambly and a bit unfocused, so I want to get this out the door right at the top: it is not actually someone’s moral obligation to engage with or create fan content. all other points aside, what this amounts to is labeling people as bigoted for either not creating or engaging with content that you want to see, and while the individual may or may not be a bigot it’s not actually anyone’s job to tailor their fandom experience to cater to you. 

fandom is not activism. it’s not Wrong to point out that a lack of content about women in fandom is likely indicative of the influence of our misogynistic society. and suggesting that people examine their internalized biases isn’t just fine, it’s something that everyone should be doing all the time. but saying that it is literally someone’s “responsibility” to “make an effort” by consuming content about women or they’re bigoted is presenting the consumption of fan content as a moral litmus test that you pass and fail not by how you engage with content but by not engaging with all of the Correct content. 

judging people’s morality based on what characters they read meta for or look at fanart for is, a mistake. it Can Be Indicative of internalized biases but it is not, in and of itself, a moral failing that has to be corrected.

if you want more content to be created about women in fandom then you do it by spreading content about women in fandom, not by guilting people into engaging with it by saying that they’re bigots if they don’t. you encourage creation Through creation.

okay, now to address what Mainly set me off to inspire this post.

this post specifically went out of it’s way to present misogyny as the only answer for why this problem exists in fandom spaces. and while I absolutely agree that it’s a Factor, they left absolutely no room for nuance which included debunking “common excuses.” which, as you can probably guess, contained the things that ticked me off.

first off, you can’t judge that someone is disconnected from women in general based on their fandom consumption because the sum total of their being is not available on tumblr. 

people don’t always bear their souls in fandom spaces. just because they don’t actively post about a character or Characters doesn’t mean that they see them as lesser or that they don’t think about them. the idea that you can tell what a person’s moral beliefs are not based on what they’ve said or done but based on whether they engage with specific characters in a specific way in a specific space can Only work on the assumption that they engage with that space in a way that expresses the entirety of who they are or even their engagement with that specific media.

what I engage with on ao3 is different from what I engage with on tumblr, youtube, twitter, my friend’s dms, and my own head. people are going to engage with social media and fandom spaces specifically differently for different reasons. you can’t assume what the other parts of their lives look like based on this alone. 

second off, there can be other factors at play that influence people’s specific engagement with a fandom.

they specifically brought up the magnus archives as an example of a show with well written women. which while absolutely true, does Not mean that misogyny is the only option for why people wouldn’t engage with content about them as often. for me personally? a lot of fan content is soured because of how it presents jon. I relate to him very heavily as a neurodivergent and traumatized person, and he faces a Lot of victim blaming and dehumanization in the writing. sasha and martin are more or less the only main characters that Aren’t guilty of this, and sasha was out of the picture after season 1.

while this affects my enjoyment of fan content for these characters To Some Extent on it’s own (I love georgie, I love her a lot, but I can’t forget that she looked at someone and told them that they were better off dead because they couldn’t “choose” to not be abused), the bigger issue is fan content that Specifically doesn’t address the victim blaming and ableism as what it is, even presenting it as just Correct. 

this isn’t exclusive to the women in the show by any means, this is exactly why I avoid a lot of content about tim, but it affects a lot of the women who are main characters. that isn’t the Only reason, there’s more casual ableism and things that tear him down for other reasons (the prevalent theory that elias passed up on sasha because he’s afraid of how she’s More Competent In Jon In Every Single way. which comes with the unfortunate implications of jon being responsible for his own trauma because he just wasn’t competent enough to avoid it) but that’s the main one that squicks me out.

of course not all fan content does this, and I Do engage with content about these characters, but sometimes it’s easier to just stick with content that centers on my comfort character because it’s more likely to look at his character with the nuance required to see that it is victim blaming and ableism. 

it’s not enough to say that the characters are well rounded or well written and conclude that if someone isn’t consuming or creating content about them then it has to be due to misogyny and nothing else.

there’s also just like, the Obvious answer. two most prominent characters are two men that are in a canonical gay relationship, which draws in queer men/masc people on it’s own but the centering of their othering and trauma Particularly draws in traumatized queer people that are starved for content. georgie and melanie are both fleshed out characters in and of themselves, but their relationship with each other doesn’t have nearly as much direct screen time. and daisy and basira have a lot more screen time together and about each other, but their relationship is very intentionally non-canon because of its role as a commentary on cop pack mentality.

people are More Likely to create content for the more prominent relationship in the show and be drawn into the fandom through that relationship in the first place. I have no doubt that there Are misogynistic fans of the show, but focusing on the relationship and the characters that make you happy isn’t and indication that you’re one of them.

which brings us to the big one, the one that sparked me into writing this in the first place (and the last that I have time for if I’m being honest). the “common excuses” section in general is, extremely dismissive obviously but there’s only one section that genuinely upsets me. 

without copying and pasting what they said directly, it essentially boils down to this: while they recognize that gay and trans men are “allowed” to relate to men, they’re still Men which makes them misogynistic. Rather than acknowledge Why gay and trans men would engage with fan-content specifically that caters to them they present it as a given that it’s 100% due to misogyny anyways. they present queer men engaging with content about themselves as them treating women like they’re “unworthy of attention,” calling it a “patriarchal tendency” that they have to unlearn.

being gay and trans does not mean that you’re immune to misogyny, being a woman doesn’t even mean that you’re immune to misogyny, but that’s engaging in bad faith in a way that really puts a bad taste in my mouth. 

queer men aren’t just like, Special Men that have Extra Bonus Reasons to be relate to boys, they’re people who are more likely to Need fandom spaces to explore facets of themselves. and while you can Relate to any character, it feels good to be able to explore those aspect with characters that resemble you or how you see yourself.

when I first started actively seeking out fandom spaces in middle school I engaged with content about queer men more or less exclusively. at this point I had no concept of what trans people were, and wouldn’t begin openly considering that I might be a trans person until high school. I knew that I’d be happier as a gay man before I knew I could be a gay man, and that’s affected my relationship with fandom forever. 

I engage with most things pretty casually, reblogging meta and joke posts when I see them, but what I go out of my way to engage with is largely an expression of my gender identity and sexuality. I project myself onto a comfort character and then I Consume content for them because that was how I was able to express myself before I knew that I needed to. it’s not that girl characters aren’t “worthy” of me relating to them, it’s that I specifically go to certain fandom spaces to express and work through my gender and sexuality. that’s what I use those fandom spaces For.

I imagine that I’ll need this crutch less when I’m allowed to transition and if I ever find a relationship situation that works out for me. but also like, why should I? it’s not actually hurting anyone for me to explore my gender and sexuality through fanfic until the end of time. nor does it hurt anyone for me to focus on my comfort characters. 

fandom is personal comfort and entertainment, not a moral obligation. people absolutely should engage with women in media and real life with more nuance and energy than they do, but fandom spaces are not the place to police or judge that. 

[meowlayn-art]

Hi! It’s the anon who asked you about if you were selling prints of your artwork - since you said you wouldn’t be comfortable selling fanart bc of copyright, is there any chance that if we subscribed to your Patreon we could make prints of your artwork for personal use (stuff like printing it to put on a wall or frame it kind of deal)? I just want to be 100 percent sure about it because some of your fanart is so so pretty and merch isn’t super easy to come by lol

Hi Anon!

Thanks again! It is a lot of fun and I am happy people enjoy them too  ( ˙꒳​˙ ) Before we go further, a little disclaimer : The question of fanart/copyright is a tricky one so my answer might sound cold but it's simply because I try to be as factual as possible :) I appreciate you being open and honest about what you are seeking in a Patreon, and actually asking what would be ok or not. I think that's very important for a content creator and its audience to be transparent and trust each other so again, thank you :)

About printing my work:

Facts : I will draw fanart (not necessarily every month, mind you), and they will be available to download, for personal use only ( = no duplicate/no sharing with friends and/or using them for monetary profit, obviously). They will be in good quality for people to enjoy, but not exactly ready to print (RGB and not CMYK colors, and slightly lower res than shop print quality). As long as people enjoy my work in the "privacy of their home" (or their phone wallpaper haha), I don't personally mind, and I think it's neat. It would be sad otherwise :)

BUT. I should remind people that fanart content isn't and won’t be my selling point on Patreon, and if people pledge "only" hoping to get fanart content to print for themselves, they might get disappointed, and I would rather not see people disappointed :)

The double purpose of Patreon is to :

- give people access to my work which is a mix of "entertainment" + educational content (since there will be step-by-steps, low res psd files and eventually specific tutorials/articles). And fanart happens to be a part of it.

- while helping me sustain myself so that client work isn't my only revenue stream, which means more time to create said educational and entertaining content, but also develop my own original content (both SFW and NSFW). That last part is very important to me, as I'd like to dive into more storytelling in the future :)

The educational content part is the only reason why I am (for now at least) comfortable with putting fanart on Patreon, since "education" is one of the rare argument why a fanart could fall under fair use and probably why you don't see many fanartists getting sued on Patreon - but even that could be challenged by any companies if they really wanted to.

So : Yes, you can print the monthly artwork for your personal use, and I can't stop you from doing it ^^ But my Patreon content shouldn't be seen as a way to "compete with official merch", because it’s illegal, not the purpose of my Patreon, and people will be disappointed since it's not the only content you'll find or that I intend to develop a lot :)

Additional info on how it will work:

To be precise and completely clear, Patrons will get access to the high res art of the month they pledged. Example : if you pledge before the end of March, you’ll receive a private link at the end of the month, to download the HD artwork made in March (same for the educational, low-res psd files, should you pledge for that tier too). With time and if there are requests, I’ll consider putting previous rewards for sale on Gumroad (so that people can download pieces they have missed). :)

Everything else, from the step-by-step process “tutorials”, to sketches and general Patreon feed, etc... will be unlocked no matter when you pledge. ^^ I hope it answers your question Anon! And sorry it got so long haha. I'd rather make sure people and I are on the same wavelength, to avoid any confusion or deception. Thanks again for asking and for your interest in my work, it means a lot! Have a great day/night :)

[maxdark158]

Chapter three! Finally! We’re halfway through guys unless I add more chapters

Thank you @ozmav once again for the inspiration for this, thank you everyone who is reading it, I hope you all have amazing days and enjoy!

ps: I’m thinking of writing a version of this from Damian’s POV. Should I do that or nah?

Angel in Gotham: Part 1 ~ Part 2 ~ Part 3 ~ Part 4 ~ Part 5 ~ Part 6 ~ Ao3

Demon in Gotham: Part 1 ~ Part 2 ~ Part 3 ~ Part 4 ~ Ao3

Fanart for AiG: Riddler ~ Joker thank you @thegreysman

Please tag me in any fanart you draw for this guys ^^

Once Marinette got over the hugeness of the entire house – The entrance was roughly three times as big as her entire house, bakery included – it was fun. Damian didn’t take her on a tour, as he wanted to eat before talking to his brothers, but the places she saw were amazing.

Alfred showed her the kitchen – she stared at it open-jawed for nearly a minute – before having them sit in the dining room and wait until he had prepared their lunch.

Lunch was amazing, to put it lightly.

Alfred whipped up some amazing food and desserts – sugary sweets that her parents didn’t typically make. He left her and Damian alone for the most part, though she kept asking if he wanted to eat with them. He assured her that he already ate and continued to leave them alone.

It was really fun. Damian was just, in general, an awesome person, and Marinette was having more fun than she had in years.

He made her happy.

She really, really liked being happy.

But, of course, the quiet lunch didn’t last. The food was finished, Marinette was full, and she couldn’t reasonably slip anything else into her purse for Tikki. Plus, she knew some of Damian’s brothers were in the house. According to Alfred, Dick and his father were working, but the other two were home.

“Do your brothers know we’re here?” she asked while helping Alfred and Damian clean up.

“No, and we can leave before they find out if we’re quick about it,” Damian told her.

“What if I’d like to meet them?” she teased. “They sound fun!”

Damian paled, though his expression hadn’t changed.

“Alright Angel, if you’re sure,” he pursed his lips, “but if you want to leave for any reason, just tell me.”

“Master Damian, I do believe that Miss Marinette is capable of taking care of herself,” Alfred chided him.

“What he said, Damian,” Marinette giggled. “I’ll be fine. They can’t be worse than The Riddler or Hawkmoth, and I survived those two.”

If anything, that made Damian look more… upset? He didn’t look nervous anymore. More… angry? His shoulders had tensed and he gripped the plate he was holding. But before Marinette could properly decipher his emotions, his grip loosened and his shoulders relaxed.

“Todd,” his voice sounded annoyed. Marinette turned around to see who he was talking to.

A very tall man with a white streak in his hair was smirking. “Demon Spawn! I thought you went somewhere else!” He glanced down and saw Marinette. “Timmy! The Riddler girl is here!”

The Riddler girl? Why was she referred to as-

Marinette heard a crash, running footsteps, and suddenly another boy was there. He had dark purple bags under his eyes and smelled of coffee.

“Holy sh-

“Language,” Alfred tutted.

“You’re actually here! I didn’t think Damian would let you near us!” he chuckled. “I’m Tim Drake-Wayne!”

“Jason Todd-Wayne,” The tall one with the white streak said.

For a moment, she blinked at them. These were Damian’s brothers, members of the Wayne family which is very prestigious and rich and well-known.

One of has a dye job and uses nicknames. The other looks like he hasn’t slept in a week and smells like his blood is entirely coffee. They were people.

Marinette liked being reminded of that.

She smiled. “Marinette Dupain-Cheng! A pleasure to meet you!”

“So you solved The Riddler’s riddle, right?” Tim asked. “Like, knew what the answer was?”

Marinette nodded. “He probably googled it. A toddler could do better.”

Tim seemed to light up. She wasn’t sure why the riddle was ridiculously easy. She was expecting a challenge from the villain named after them.

Tim opened his mouth to add more when Damian cut in from behind her. “Drake, don’t harass her with your questions!”

“I’m not!”

“You are!”

“She isn’t uncomfortable-”

“You’re asking about her first and only encounter with a villain of course she is-”

“Are you even looking at her she isn’t-”

“Hey!” Marinette jumped at Jason’s voice. It wasn’t loud, but the argument was putting her on edge. Tikki in her purse pressed closer to her. It was comforting.

“Yeah?” she asked, facing him. The brothers were still arguing behind her, but her focus was on Jason now.

“So you took down The Riddler, right? Like with hand-to-hand combat?”

Now that she thought about it, the uncertainty in her was beginning to rise. how did Jason and Tim know? Her memory then decided to remind her that Damian, the two’s younger brother, had also been there. Plus there’s the article online. Damian didn’t know she had taken down The Riddler combat wise until he read it

Marinette nodded. “You must have read the article. They really made it a lot more amazing than it was.”

He raised an eyebrow and tilted his head. She took that as a sign to continue.

“The Riddler clearly has very little combat experience,” she moved her hands in an exasperated gesture. “In Paris, we have akuma that turn people into temporary villains, so most people learn basic combat to stay alive.”

Jason huffed. “Are you saying you only know the basics?”

Marinette tried not to freeze. If she said she only knows the basics, she’s lying. If she says she doesn’t, he might figure out her identity – the Wayne family was supposed to be smart!

“My class is attacked by akuma often,” she says instead, allowing him to come to his own conclusion about her words.

Jason hummed, contemplating. Then he grinned.

“Want to spar with me?” he asked. “I’m not a slouch in combat myself, and I’d like to see how good you are.”

No. Marinette should say no. Jason would respect her answer and she shouldn’t fight someone else in Gotham when the news already made an article about her. She needed to draw less attention to herself she should say no-

“Sure!” her mouth moved on its own.

Curses!

“What?” Damian asked, interrupting Tim during their argument.

She spun around to face him and Tim while Jason slung an arm over her shoulders. “Freckles here just agreed to spar with me!”

Marinette almost expected the sudden physical contact to make her tense but it didn’t. Huh. Maybe she was doing better than she thought, dealing with… well, everything.

She turned her head to look at him. “Freckles?”

“It’s your nickname. ’Cause you’ve got Freckles.”

Marinette shrugged. It was better than Princess. Plus, it would be weird if he called her Angel too – wait why would that be weird? It’s just a nickname between friends!

“Do you seriously want to duel her because she beat The Riddler?” Tim scoffed.

“You wanted to question her because she solved his riddles! Plus-”

“Todd,” Damian hissed.

“Yeah demon spawn?” Jason went from annoyed to bored pretty quickly.

Marinette felt like another argument was going to happen. “Damian, I agreed to it,” she told him, meeting his eyes. “Plus, akuma are typically much larger than me anyway. It’s not like I’m going to break from someone as small as Jason!”

Jason and Tim both laughed at that, but she paid more attention to Damian. he seemed to tense for a moment again before his shoulders dropped. He grumbled something that Marinette couldn’t understand and turned around.

“We have a gym down the hall,” Tim helpfully provided. Jason was still giggling, his arm removed from her shoulder.

Marinette made her way there, following Tim. Damian walked behind her, and she heard him talking to Jason, but she wasn’t sure what was being said.

Plus, they just had this whole conversation about the right to secrets! If Damian didn’t want her to know, she wouldn’t eavesdrop.

“Do you know your IQ?” Tim asked.

Marinette blinked at the sudden, and odd, question. “No, I don’t think I ever took the test.”

She did remember taking a test when she was younger, but that couldn’t have been the IQ test. It was difficult, and there were things she didn’t know, but the IQ test wouldn’t be as easy. Plus, her parents would have told her if she had taken an IQ test!

Tim seemed to deflate slightly. “Do you have any measurement of your problem-solving skills?”

Marinette had a feeling that Tim was trying to compete without telling her the rules of his competition. She played nonchalant though, shrugging it off.

“My parents don’t like playing strategy games with me,” she said, remembering how even as a young girl she always won. They pretended to like it because she liked them, but she could tell it wasn’t fun for them after a while. She’s not sure that they weren’t just pretending to loose for her though.

“You always win?” Tim asked. She nodded.

“Hey Timmy, stop holding Freckles up!” Jason called from ahead of them. Marinette jumped this time, wondering how he snuck around them without her noticing.

She checked – Damian was with him too. What the hell?

“Alright, alright,” Tim grumbled. The two sped up and soon entered the gym.

It was huge, much like everything else in their mansion. There were several treadmills, punching bags, different assortments of weight lifting equipment, and a large mat in the center. Likely for sparring.

Marinette was glad she had chosen her overalls instead of her dress.

Jason took off his jacket and took a position on the mat. Marinette followed suit, setting her purse with Tikki inside near his jacket. When she took a position, she made sure that it was off slightly. She didn’t want to try her hardest, just in case the brothers realized something about her. Something about spots.

Jason lunged, Marinette ducked his punch and maneuvered behind him, driving an elbow into his back. He dodged, barely, and went for a swipe under her feet.

She let herself be tripped, maneuvering her fall so she wasn’t hurt.

“Well, that was fu-”

“You can do better than that!” Tim cried. “There’s no way that’s it.”

“Drake,” Damian grumbled.

Jason paused. “Wait, you weren’t really trying?”

“I-” she hated liars, she didn’t like lying, and usually preferred telling half-truths “What makes you think that wasn’t my best?”

“The Riddler is bad at combat,” Tim leaned against the wall, “But he’s better than that. Why are you holding back?”

“She can hold back if she wants to,” Damian grumbled.

“Jason wanted to see how good she is,” Tim retorted. “If she’s holding back, it’s like purposefully failing a test or losing a game!”

“No, it’s not!” Marinette responded before thinking, her competitive side awakening. It was hugely different! It wasn’t a game and-

“Why are you not trying to win, Freckles?” Jason asked. “This is sort of a competition.”

Marinette’s eye twitched. She was losing the game!

She got up and assumed a better position. “Fine then,” she huffed, deciding to make this quick. She could get her parents to vouch for her if needed, as she did actually sign up for combat lessons.

Jason got into position and this time, she attacked first.

She knew he was likely too heavy for her to swipe under his feet, so she instead went for a fake punch to the throat. He grabbed her fist to block and she grabbed onto his other hand to swing onto his shoulders. He attempted to pull her down with the hand she grabbed but she managed to remove it from his grip and grab it with her own.

“What the hell!”

Jason’s wrists were held by her. He couldn’t shake her grip off him, her hold was too strong. He was attempted to buck her off his shoulders, but Marinette’s legs wrapped around him too tight to be shaken off. As he struggled to get her to let go, she began to swing around to make him lose balance.

He didn’t have his arms to stabilize him or catch his fall. His bucking made his lack of balance worse, and with several curses, he began falling backward. Marinette let go of his trapped hands mid-fall flipped off him, somehow dodging his head.

When Jason landed face-first on the mat she was there quick as lightning, pinning his arms behind him and his legs with her weight.

“I win,” she grinned.

Jason responded with more muffled curses.

She got off of him and helped him up. After he was standing, she spared Damian and Tim a glance.

Tim’s mouth was open, likely because she climbed all over his brother to beat him – but Jason’s much bigger than her, so she had to use his weight against him somehow!

Damian… Damian’s expression seemed neutral, but his hands were open instead of fists. They shook slightly too.

She wasn’t sure what that meant.

“Holy hell what are they teaching you in Paris?” Jason grumbled, pupping his back.

Marinette bit her lip. She should have gone easier on him. “I’m sorry-”

“Why?” Jason asked. “I asked for you to fight me. This was fun even if I got a mouthful of matt.”

“Do you work out?” Tim asks.

“Not regularly,” she says. “But my parents own a bakery and the flour bags are heavy. Plus, sometimes someone orders a huge cake, and those can get heavy too!”

Tim nodded.

Damian was still silent. She frowned.

Jason spoke before she could. “Hey Demon Spawn, are you rebooting or something?”

Damian blinked. “Apologies. I’m a bit surprised, as I didn’t see Marinette actually fight The Riddler, I didn’t know what she was capable of.”

Marinette felt her dread building up. He was afraid of her and he hates her and she wouldn’t have him as a friend and she’d be heartbroken and because of his rejection and – wait what?

“What?” she said out loud, “I’m sorry I zoned out.”

“He said you did a good job, Freckles,” Jason interrupted Damian. Jason seemed smug for some reason. Damian’s eyes looked greener – or was his face redder?

“Thank you,” Marinette smiled.

“Okay since that’s over now,” Tim rubbed his hands together. “Marinette-”

“Please tell me none of you died,” Bruce Wayne, as in THE Bruce Wayne walks in, surveying the room. “Huh. I’m surprised there isn’t any blood. Alfred told me you were sparring.”

“Jason decided to spar Damian’s girl-”

“Marinette,” Damian interrupted. “My friend Marinette.”

Bruce Wayne sees her for the first time and Marinette has to shake off the feeling of being analyzed.

“She’s the girl that punched Riddler in the throat,” Tim says helpfully, and she feels slightly embarrassed but – hang on.

How does he know that? There’s no way he could have known that.

She abandons that thought and decides to introduce herself.

“Hi, nice to meet you,” she goes to shake his hand since that’s how Americans greet each other. He takes it and shakes.

“She won against Todd by the way,” Damian says and Bruce stiffened? She’s not sure what that’s about.

“Pleasure to meet you,” Bruce says. “Alfred wanted to invite you to stay for dinner.”

Marinette paused. “I apologize, but I must be returned to my class by five-thirty pm,” she says. American time is really weird.

“Uh, it’s four forty now,” Jason points out, “How long is the drive, Freckles?”

Marinette pails. “I should probably head back-”

“I’ll go with you,” Damian says. “Alfred can drive us if that is alright with you.”

She nodded, going over and grabbing her purse. “Thanks for inviting me over,” she smiled at Damian. She turned to his brothers and father, “It was wonderful to meet you guys!”

“I’ll win the sparring match next time, Freckles,” Jason told her. He was smiling though, and so was she.

Tim grumbled something about not getting to test something. “You better come back,” he said out loud.

Marinette a mixture of sorrow and guilt in her chest when she remembered her limited time here. Her smile turned to more of a grimace. But she shoved the nasty emotion away. “I’d love to return if I’m invited.”

“When,” he told her.

She managed to smile again. “When.”

She and Damian left the room. Alfred, who already seemed aware of the situation, escorted them to the car.

The ride was silent at first. Marinette couldn’t tell if Damian didn’t know what to say or was comfortable with simply sitting there.

“The brothers I met were nice,” she told him. “They seem annoying-”

“You can say that again,” he grumbled.

“-but they seem like decent brothers,” she finished. “They’re fun people too.”

Damian shrugged. “Sometimes.” Marinette saw his lip twitch though and knew he was happier than he let on.

“Do you have secrets?” he asked suddenly after a few more minutes of silence. “You don’t have to tell me, obviously, but you’re aware that there are things I’m not comfortable telling you yet and-”

“I have secrets,” she said, feeling Tikki nudge her. “Maybe I’ll tell you someday,” Tikki nudged harder.

Damian smiled slightly. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t wish to, Angel. It’s only fair that I give you what you’re giving me.”

Marinette grinned wide. “Thank you,” she said earnestly.

“We have arrived,” Alfred said from the front seat. Damian opened the door and got out, holding it open for her, and she mumbled a quick thanks.

As she got out, the worst happened. Her clumsiness, while rarer nowadays, sent a curse from where it resided in her Paris bedroom.

She tripped over Damian’s feet.

“Oh my- I’m so sorry,” she struggled to get the English out while scrambling to get off the ground.

“It’s alright Angel,” he said from behind and Marinette stiffened, ice water filling her veins.

Oh no, no no no.

Damian helped her up, and she turned to face him. The sun wasn’t setting, it was still low in the sky and she was seeing him in a new light.

“Is something wrong?” he sounded worried.

The ice water got colder.

“I’m okay,” she said, brushing off her knees. “I used to fall like that all the time, but I’m okay, I promise.”

Damian’s face smoothed back to its neutral expression, but Marinette knew he was still worried. She wasn’t sure how she knew though.

“If you need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask,” he told her.

She felt numb. “I won’t,” she said.

They said their goodbyes. The car drove away. Distantly, Marinette realized that the sun was setting.

The ice water froze her to the core, it’s dread soon becoming a guilty weight to carry on her shoulders.

“Tikki,” she whispered. “I think Damian is Robin.”

oooOOOooo

“He knows. He’s going after her,” her friend sounded tense. “The girl from the article.”

“The one that took down Riddler?”

“The same one.”

“That’s not good,” she mumbled. “I haven’t even gotten to talk to Batsy yet.”

“Don’t tell her, okay?” her friend’s tenseness bled into worry. “She doesn’t ever need to see him again.”

“She doesn’t know?” she asked. “Don’t you two tell each other everything?”

“Just don’t tell her,” her friend stood. “I will when I’m done.”

“Done with what?” she asked, turning to watch her friend leave.

Her friend didn’t answer.

[tafkarfanfic]

Depression, suicidal iteration and a "fixed mindset"

I've struggled with a very bad depressive episode for...a while now. Years, possibly. And in the worst phases, as I've been contemplating throwing myself off a balcony/in front of a train/cutting/etc., my brain keeps repeating the same loop. "You didn't get that job because you're not a talented person and you should just give up. No one wants to be around you because your personality is awful and you will never be able to fix that. You can't write and never could and no one likes your stuff and if you could write then you'd have a good job and be rich and since you are not rich clearly you can't write, and anyone who says differently just says it out of pity."

There's more loops that my brain gets into. It's been getting into loops like this my whole life. If you're depressed you probably have loops of your own. I didn't see a path out of them until recently.

Last week I read an article about what a "fixed mindset" is versus a "growth mindset." (Stay with me, here.) People with a fixed mindset say, "I could never draw. Those people who can draw fanart are blessed with a gift and have always been good. When I try to draw it doesn't look as good as theirs, so clearly I don't have a gift." (Replace "fanart" with fic writing, dancing, telling jokes, or anything else that is your particular depression loop.) People who are awesome at drawing just picked up a pen one day and drew something worthy of Georgia O'Keefe. Obviously the first photo Annie Liebowitz ever took was breathtaking. Simone Biles came out of the womb able to do triple flips.

None of those things are true. Lots of studies have shown that you can get better at drawing, or any skill, with practice. Also, those people who are great at things practice a lot. The incredible gymnast Simone Biles trains 32 hours a week, and even some of the stuff she does in her downtime seems an awful lot like training.

This doesn't mean that anyone can be Simone Biles. But if Simone Biles didn't work very hard at what she does, she wouldn't redefine gymnastics. She might not even be good enough to compete. It is the combination of skill and hard work that makes her so good.

The idea that you can get better at something through effort is part of a "growth mindset." A growth mindset also views mistakes as a way to get better, and looks at attempts that don't measure up to the vision in your head as part of the learning process. And people with a growth mindset do get better at things. Sometimes they become the best at things.

Which is when my depressed brain says, "Yeah, sure, but they were born with a growth mindset and you have a fixed mindset, so you're going to be a failure for the rest of your life. Why not kill yourself and stop being a drag on the people around you?"

Depressed Brain is wrong. People can change from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. Again, there are studies. It is hard, and it requires work, and you won't get it right immediately. (If doing the work to develop a growth mindset sounds suspiciously like doing the things someone with a growth mindset would do...yep, it is.)

Abraham Maslow, the guy who wrote about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, also wrote about growth vs. fixed mindsets, but with different terms. He viewed a fixed mindset as a way that our own brains crush our potential. He said, "If you deliberately plan to be less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you’ll be deeply unhappy for the rest of your life. You will be evading your own capacities, your own possibilities."

I'd like to say that I'm done with a fixed mindset because I can see it's making my depression worse. But that would be a very fixed mindset thing to say. Instead: I can see that a fixed mindset is making my depression a lot worse, and I'm going to work at a growth mindset.

But what can I do to develop a growth mindset?

This growth mindset guide was written by a therapist. It is very kind while also laying out what you can do to shift mindsets.

This guide on how to develop a growth mindset is geared toward CEOs but can be good if the touchy-feely stuff gives you hives.

These growth mindset exercises were also written for corporate types. But they're clear and very actionable and worthwhile even if you aren't one.

This growth mindset guide is written with athletes, especially female athletes, in mind, so if you like that tone it may work for you. It makes it very clear that shifting mindsets requires vulnerability.

These are exercises for children to develop a growth mindset. I'm so far behind on this that I feel like the kids' guide is probably what I need

Will this work? I don't know, but it's worked for a lot of other people, and it doesn't cost money.

I am going to start by making an effort to get the evil depression voice to stop telling me that if I had any skill for writing, then the first thing I ever wrote would have been as good as Ann Leckie or Courtney Milan's best novels. I'm going to remind myself that they worked hard to develop their skills, and I can only get better with practice. And it's OK if I never become as good as they are. That's not the goal. I can never be as good as someone else. The goal is to become as good as I can be.

[ckret2]

anon: Something for TFP StarWaveWave conspiracy AU you talked about on tumblr?

I would like to personally thank this ko-fi commissioner for ensuring that I was incapable of thinking about anything else at all today; and secondarily thank @kurxo​ for accidentally indirectly inspiring this by drawing Starscream being friendly with Soundwave and Shockwave. Fic based on that fanart and some posts I made a few days ago about a potential Starscream + Soundwave + Shockwave conspiracy to overthrow Megatron; this fic is a setup for how such an alliance could come to be. The related posts are tagged #starwavewave conspiracy

If he’d stopped to think about it beforehand, Soundwave would have expected the hardest part of starting a mutinous conspiracy to be convincing himself that he wanted to help Starscream to overthrow Megatron. Certainly, that was the slowest part. Convincing Shockwave had been much easier. But no—it turned out that the trickiest bit of the whole thing was convincing Starscream that he wanted to overthrow Megatron.

###

“Thank You For Listening, Soundwave”

###

"Legend tells that it holds the power to revive the dead," Starscream said.

Megatron replied, "We require only a cadaver to be certain. Are you willing to make the ultimate sacrifice?" and Starscream cringed away from him, laughing nervously, deflecting the question.

Soundwave recorded.

Soundwave hadn't realized until that moment that so much of what he disliked about Starscream was how he shrank and shriveled and cowered in fear.

He hadn't realized until that moment that—even faced by the most highly-trained Autobot guerrilla force in history, by energon shortages and hungry soldiers, by carving out secret strongholds for the Decepticons on an alien world—he hadn't seen Starscream cringe once in the last three years.

Until now.

###

"Megatron's greatest mistake was ever allowing you to live, Prime!"

It was true. Soundwave didn't like the thought of Megatron making mistakes—but when he allowed himself to dwell on his leader's flaws...

Watching a dozen camera feeds from a bank of screens on the Nemesis, Soundwave recorded. He recorded, spark rising in hope and disbelief and delight, as Starscream dove toward the defenseless Prime. He recorded, spark sinking back down into the dark, as Megatron intercepted Starscream before he could destroy their greatest enemy.

He recorded.

"But the Autobots—Optimus—right there, waiting for you!"

“My greatest mistake? I've made a few. But there is one I do not intend to make again!”

That should have been how Megatron announced that he was correcting his mistake by ensuring that the Prime did not live.

When that wasn’t what Megatron did, for a moment Soundwave didn’t understand.

He turned a camera toward the Prime, who was helpless and totally ignored. He turned another toward Megatron, hauling away the Decepticon that had nearly killed the Prime to thrash him instead.

Soundwave had a good idea how Starscream had earned Megatron's wrath. He told himself that Starscream deserved this beating. He told himself that it was a punishment proportionate to his crime.

He told himself this to avoid wondering why Starscream was a higher priority than their greatest enemy.

"N-no! Master!"

The Decepticons rose up to throw off their chains. Soundwave wondered why they called Megatron "master."

###

"I have been a fool. Made mistakes. Monumental ones. I now realize I was never destined to be leader, or even an equal partner. And, I am at peace with that. I have gained a clear understanding of my place in the universe. Of who I am. Of who I was always meant to be. Starscream: second in command, humble servant to Lord Megatron."

At Starscream's request, Soundwave recorded.

Soundwave told himself that this was as it should be, that this was something Starscream needed to learn. He tried to ignore the bitterness rising in his throat at Starscream's resignation to servitude.

The Decepticons rose up to escape servitude.

He told himself he only felt bitter because he knew Starscream was probably lying. He tried to ignore the slight comfort he felt at the thought that Starscream might still be hiding a defiant spark.

"Thank you for listening, Soundwave."

No one ever thanked Soundwave for listening.

###

"I know you can hear me."

Starscream's fugitive voice floated like a ghost through the halls of the Nemesis. Yes, at the other end of the labyrinth of halls, Soundwave could hear him.

"I'm only hungry. All I’ve come for is fuel. Merely a few cubes." He was so, so quiet. "Please, I beg of you, do not betray me. Recall how many millions of years we have been fellow officers—I'm sure I've never said it, but I truly hold you in the greatest esteem, and were the situation reversed I would certainly not betray you. And remember who gained you—gained all of us—that energon."

Soundwave thought of all the energon mines Starscream had located and established in three years, and all the mines Megatron had lost in half that time.

Soundwave thought of how they had convinced themselves that Starscream would be easy to replace; and how his replacement had challenged Soundwave to a fight, something Starscream had never dared nor desired to do, even when they had disagreed during Megatron’s long absence.

Soundwave thought of how Megatron had come home with Orion Pax unharmed and protected; and just as easily as Starscream, Soundwave had been replaced.

Soundwave recorded Starscream's whispered plea. And he told no one.

###

When a whole flock of Starscreams crept on board, and one whispered into the air, "I am, of course, still grateful for last time," again he recorded, and again he told no one.

When the flock attacked Megatron, Soundwave still wasn't entirely sure he'd made the wrong decision.

###

"Do not ever make me regret which one of you I spared."

Soundwave recorded.

So many of Megatron's recent changes to the chain of command seemed to be a notable step down. Airachnid over Starscream. Orion Pax over Soundwave.

Choosing Starscream over Dreadwing would have been a step up, if it had been the Starscream who led them calmly and competently for three years, shrewdly preserving their numbers and bolstering their fuel reserves, quietly respecting Soundwave’s competence and perspective even as he loudly complained about his specific opinions. But this broken, scared thing, who seemed more interested in winning Megatron's approval than winning the war, was just another step down.

Strange, but Soundwave hadn't thought Starscream had seemed so broken when he came home with the Omega Keys.

He reviewed his recordings.

###

"What should I call my new domain? New Kaon? Or perhaps 'Gilded Earth.'"

Soundwave recorded as the Prime sliced off Megatron's arm.

He recorded as the Prime’s blade swung down into the Omega Lock, so close that Soundwave could have reached out and touched it.

He recorded from where he had crashed to the ground as Cybertron's one hope of resurrection vanished in a ball of flame.

He recorded because he was too horrified to look away.

When Soundwave was on his feet again, too dazed from the blast and from sudden grief to begin to think about what to do next, he drifted, automatically, to stand at Starscream's back.

It was Starscream who snapped to his senses and seized control of the situation. Starscream who commanded Knock Out, "Attend to our master. He requires medical attention!" Starscream who sought the Autobots just in time to watch them retreat, and snarled, "Prime! He will pay for dooming Cybertron to remain a lifeless husk." Starscream who put a voice to the rage Soundwave couldn't speak. Starscream who, Soundwave realized, easily buckled under the threat of pressure, but always stood strong once it was actually applied—as he stood strong now.

It was Megatron who laughed. Megatron who said, "They can run, but they can never again run home." Megatron who spoke like he thought this was a victory.

Soundwave felt like he was standing at the correct mech's back.

###

Soundwave played back his recordings over and over. Megatron's every moment of charisma and heroism, his every moment of spite and malice. Starscream's every moment of cunning and caution, his every moment of self-doubt and self-interest.

Soundwave was grieving for Cybertron. He knew that. He wasn't thinking clearly. He didn't know whether his shaken loyalties were founded in a fair assessment of the current state of Decepticon leadership, or in the frustrated feeling that everything was slowly falling apart. Despite their new stronghold on Earth and the scattering of the Autobot forces, he felt like they were on the losing side. He feared he was being irrational.

But he didn't know what he alone could do to figure out the rational course of action. So he did what he'd always done: remain silent.

"I find myself in urgent need of good news, so please, Knock Out, tell me that you found something useful."

"Some things, my liege. And someone."

Enter the most rational mech Soundwave had ever met.

###

“But you will be pleased to know that I avenged your seeming demise by personally terminating the Autobot Cliffjumper.”

“Careful, Starscream. You may dislocate a landing gear patting yourself on the back.”

Soundwave found himself, again, standing just behind Starscream. When Megatron had been gone, he’d stood at Starscream’s back for years without thinking about it. Now that Megatron was back and he could compare, he was finding himself more and more comfortable standing at Starscream’s side than Megatron’s, and he could not quite identify why.

When they had left the room, Shockwave turned to Soundwave. “I am certain Starscream did not go out of his way to avenge me.”

Soundwave gave him a slight nod.

“Then if he performed, as it were, a mere incidental execution, why does he consider it so notable that he killed Cliffjumper?”

Soundwave displayed a graph on his face, with a label identifying it as a chart of every Autobot the Decepticons had killed since coming to Earth. The graph was empty. He zoomed in on the only month with a bar displaying a kill count higher than zero: one.

“Ah,” Shockwave said. “So he’s the only one who’s gotten anything done on Earth.”

Soundwave was relieved Shockwave thought so too.

###

From the exit to the flight deck, Shockwave watched as Starscream argued futilely with Predaking, who continued to do absolutely nothing that he ordered.

Soundwave lurked behind him and echoed Megatron’s words. “‘Starscream, assume command of my beast.’ ‘Starscream! You have failed me enough for one day.’”

“No, he hasn’t met with any success.” Shockwave turned slightly to glance at Soundwave. “But you wouldn’t expend the effort to point out something obvious like that.”

Soundwave shook his head; no, he wouldn’t. No, that wasn’t his intended meaning. He tried to rearrange the statement. “‘Starscream! You have failed me enough for one day.’ ‘Starscream, assume command of my beast.’” Was that clear enough? “‘You have failed me’—‘assume command.’”

Shockwave tilted his head back as he puzzled over Soundwave’s meaning. “It is possible that Megatron anticipated Starscream’s failure before giving him the order?”

Soundwave nodded.

“Rather… self-defeating,” Shockwave said. “You think Megatron is deliberately sabotaging one of his first lieutenants.”

“‘It is possible.’”

“I have not witnessed Megatron displaying such self-destructive tendencies.”

“‘Wouldn’t expend the effort to point out something obvious.’”

“Hm. True.” Shockwave watched silently for a moment as Starscream shrieked and cowered back from the Predacon’s enraged snarl. “You’ve been here longer than I. And see more than most. I will observe Megatron closely.”

Soundwave bowed his head. “‘Thank you for listening.’”

###

"Soundwave. May I speak with you about our energon supplies? There appears to be a significant discrepancy in our record keeping."

Soundwave nodded warily to Shockwave, already wondering what new crisis they were about to face.

"For over two years, our quantity of energon mines—and, correspondingly, output of energon—has steadily declined. However, records indicate that our store of reserves has remained consistent. Do you know the reason?"

Soundwave slowly shook his head. He couldn't imagine. Who would tamper with the records? Surely he would have noticed any unauthorized meddling. And he could see their energon stores on his cameras; now that he thought about it, he couldn't remember noticing that they were any lower than usual. Yet they should be. Were his cameras compromised?

"Strange," Shockwave said mildly. "I will investigate further and update you on my findings."

When Shockwave found Soundwave later, he was pouring over old computer logs, looking for any indication that anybody had touched the inventory system who shouldn't have.

"I have found the reason for your consistent energon stores," Shockwave said. “Our Eradicon fatality rate has remained inversely proportionate to our energon production rate, such that the dwindling amount of fuel available to consume and the dwindling amount of soldiers consuming it have remained roughly equal."

Soundwave nodded, then remained still until Shockwave had moved on.

He punched a hole through his computer monitor.

For the first time in his life, he deleted some of his own surveillance footage.

###

“Even now, you do not criticize Starscream,” Shockwave commented, examining the mutated head of a Terrorcon Eradicon.

Soundwave shrugged. Did he have to? Soundwave felt that this debacle spoke for itself; it didn’t need Soundwave speaking for it.

“I am beginning to believe you are trying to persuade me of Starscream’s worth.”

Soundwave didn’t reply. He was doing no such thing; but he wasn’t trying to dissuade Shockwave, either. He was only reporting all of the little things he’d noticed—all of the little things he’d recorded—all of the little things that were otherwise so easy to overlook in the face of Megatron’s commanding presence and the way Starscream repeatedly fumbled under Megatron’s gaze—and waiting to see Shockwave’s judgment on how they added up.

“His recent behavior has been erratic,” Shockwave said. “And stupid.”

Soundwave remained silent.

Shockwave carefully set down the mangled head. “However, Starscream is not alone in that,” he said thoughtfully. “Perhaps he’s not even the worst offender.”

“‘I have been a fool. Made mistakes. Monumental ones.’ ‘My greatest mistake? I've made a few.’”

“Then you are measuring them against each other.”

Soundwave nodded slowly. “‘I find myself in urgent need of’—’a clear understanding of’—‘Starscream!’—‘And,’—’Lord Megatron.’”

“Hm.” Shockwave didn’t say more. But Soundwave remained, listening, all the same. Just in case.

###

“He left me for dead on Cybertron,” Shockwave said. “I am convinced that his reasons for doing so were logical enough—for the position he was in. However, I am not convinced that that they are sufficient for someone who would be the leader of an army.”

It was the first time Shockwave had directly broached the subject of Starscream hypothetically leading an army.

Soundwave almost suspected Shockwave resented Starscream for leaving him. He answered in Megatron’s voice: “‘If Breakdown allowed himself to be captured by those smaller than him, weaker than him, he deserves whatever fate awaits him.’”

“I see.” Shockwave remained silent a moment, musing on that. “No, I don’t suppose Megatron would have been any more likely to rescue me than Starscream was.”

Soundwave played a video on his visor: Starscream speaking to Megatron, “‘But Breakdown is a key player in our…’“ and flinching back from Megatron’s snarl, “‘uh… Your wisdom reigns supreme, Lord Megatron.’” Then the footage sped up, cutting between different cameras as Soundwave traced Starscream’s path through the Nemesis until he got outside and flew off without telling anyone.

Shockwave watched evenly. “No doubt, Starscream considered Breakdown a resource of some sort.”

No doubt. But Soundwave didn’t know that for certain—Starscream had never utilized Breakdown in any significant way.

Shockwave said, “I would far prefer the leader who does not consider his resources so quickly disposable over one mistake.”

Until the relief washed over him, Soundwave hadn’t realized how much he’d hoped Shockwave would lean in that direction.

“In your measuring of Lord Megatron and Starscream’s flaws… what do you intend to do if you conclude that Starscream is the better option?”

“‘If you conclude,’” Soundwave corrected. “‘Your wisdom reigns supreme.’ ‘I am’—‘an equal partner.’”

“Then I shall consider the matter carefully.”

###

Soundwave approached Megatron, and in Knock Out’s voice, said, “‘My liege, we’ve located another of Shockwave’s Predacon energy signatures.’”

“Have you?” Megatron glanced at the map displayed on Soundwave’s face, then turned to glower across the bridge. “Starscream! A chance for you to redeem yourself after your string of recent mishaps.”

Starscream sucked in a sharp breath when Megatron shouted his name, but rallied quickly. “Yes, of course, master. I shall not disappoint you—you have my word.”

Megatron scoffed. “I don’t intend to give you the chance. Knock Out will be accompanying you, to see that you behave yourself.”

Soundwave tilted his visor back into Megatron’s view and displayed a new image: a range of steep mountains, with the red dot flashing atop one of the peaks. No place for a car. Megatron frowned, but said, “You’ll go then. I trust that you are more than capable of keeping Starscream in line.”

Soundwave bowed his head. Megatron had always had great faith in Soundwave. Soundwave had always been proud of that.

But he still remembered how quickly Megatron had shifted from venting his ire on Starscream to venting it on Knock Out once Starscream became unavailable.

And he still remembered how quickly Megatron had replaced Soundwave with Orion Pax.

He wondered how far down the line of officers Megatron would have to go before Soundwave became the next acceptable target; and how much was Megatron’s faith in him really worth, then, if it was conditional on maintaining a buffer of punching bags between them?

When they were well outside Megatron’s hearing range, Starscream turned to Soundwave and said, ”I assure you, I do not need to be 'kept in line.' The very thought is ridiculous!" Starscream laughed; it wasn't convincing. "It's the Autobots that we need to be wary of. You keep your watchful optics peeled for them while I retrieve the fossil, and we'll have no trouble at all!"

Soundwave thought Starscream was doing enough talking for the both of them, so he made no reply.

He transformed and waited for Starscream to follow suit before he opened a bridge; flew through; shut the bridge, immediately transformed back, and landed; and waited for Starscream, who’d shot off into the distance, to realize that Soundwave had stopped and circle back. “What’s the matter? Autobots?” Starscream looked around at the empty grassy plain. “Where’s the mountain range?” He transformed and landed as well. “Soundwave, are these the correct coordinates?”

Soundwave nodded.

A second bridge opened and Shockwave approached. Starscream took a step back, wings shooting up in alarm. His wings had been telegraphing his every mood since he came back from exile. “What’s going on?” he snapped. “Soundwave? What is this?” He crouched, clearly ready to spring into the air and transform.

Soundwave couldn’t fault Starscream for being wary. He’d had experience with being lured out alone to be tortured. Soundwave held up a hand toward Shockwave, gesturing for him to stop.

Shockwave halted. “We wanted to speak to you where Megatron can’t overhear.

Starscream looked between them nervously. “Okay,” he said, uncertainly. “Why?”

“We have been analyzing the last few years of the Decepticons’ progress,” Shockwave said. “Or, rather, the Decepticons’ decline. We've been bleeding energon, soldiers, resources, and advantages. Our conclusion is that, without new leadership, the Decepticon Army will soon perish.”

Starscream flinched. “No, that’s impossible,” he said. “There’s—there’s hardly half a dozen Autobots. We’ve all but won the war on numbers alone.”

“‘For over two years, our’—‘amount of soldiers’—‘has steadily declined.’”

Starscream studied Soundwave’s visor, then Shockwave. “You’re serious about this?” he asked. “But—no. You can’t possibly be. Are you?”

“Have you ever known me to play practical jokes?” Shockwave asked.

“‘We require only a cadaver’—‘Megatron’s.’” There was no point in mincing words. Starscream needed to know they were past the point of mere hypothetical musing. The words Soundwave had just spoken were grounds enough for execution—if he was willing to risk saying them, then he was willing to risk putting them into action.

Starscream reeled back like he’d been struck, and started pacing. “You are. No. You can’t be serious.” He wrung his hands together fearfully. “You can’t! Especially not you.” He glowered at Soundwave. “You stopped me when I wanted to pull the plug on him—now, now you want him dead? Impossible.”

“‘I have been a fool.’”

“Don’t you dare use my words against me! Why are you ready to betray him now when you weren’t when we had the chance?”

“‘Megatron’s greatest mistake was’—‘dooming Cybertron to remain a lifeless husk.’”

For a moment, grief and rage flickered in Starscream’s optics—the same grief and rage that Soundwave felt every time he replayed the sword cutting through the Omega Lock—but then he squeezed his optics shut and shook his head, pacing faster. “This is all behind me. I am loyal to Lord Megatron, now! I’ve no interest in being a party to any—any attempted usurpations! I don’t know why you’d want me anyway,” he laughed a shade hysterically, “I can’t seem to do anything right lately—“

“‘Megatron is deliberately sabotaging one of his first lieutenants.’ ‘You’—‘see more than most.’”

Starscream’s optics flashed back on. He froze, face twisted in pain. For a moment he didn’t speak.

Soundwave took a step closer. Starscream stepped back. “You’re mocking me,” he hissed, voice thick.

“Your confidence has been damaged,” Shockwave said. “Deliberately and systematically, I believe, from my review of your recorded session with the cortical psychic patch.” Starscream flinched. “Nevertheless, we both believe that you are capable of recovering and would serve our needs where Megatron would not.”

“‘Starscream is the better option’—‘for’—‘the leader of an army.’”

His wings lay flat and trembling along his back. His face contorted through several expressions in rapid succession—confusion, hope, fury, despair—but settled on distrust. “This is clearly a trap. You’re trying to lure me into saying something compromising so you can snip the recording out of context and tell Megatron I’m up to my old tricks.“

Soundwave tipped his chin up, catching Starscream’s attention so he’d notice the little red dot he’d started blinking in the corner of his visor—yes, it was true, he was recording as always—then unfolded Laserbeak just far enough from his chest to extract a slim data drive with a tiny microphone. It had a matching blinking red light; it was still recording.

“We had thought you might fear that,” Shockwave said. “An offering of mutually-assured destruction.” Soundwave held out the drive. “Should you agree to assist us and we betray you, you can present your own evidence to Megatron. We will go down together.”

Starscream took one step toward Soundwave, hesitated, then took another, hand stretched out to slide the drive from Soundwave’s fingertips—as though he was afraid to get too close to him. “And if I go and present this recording to Megatron right now?”

“If you’re right that this is a trap, then you will win Megatron’s favor for passing his test,” Shockwave said. “If our offer is sincere, you’ll still win his favor for exposing two traitors.”

“And if this is indeed a test and I keep the recording, I doom myself.” Starscream’s hand squeezed tight around the drive. “Then there’s no reason for me not to take it to him right now, is there?”

“‘A chance for’—‘personally terminating’—‘Megatron.’”

He continued to stare at the drive in his hand, expression still dark and distrustful.

Soundwave was sure Megatron hadn’t broken him all the way. Somewhere in him, he still wanted this—whether for a chance to lead or just for a chance to get out from under Megatron, Soundwave didn’t know. But he did want it.

But he couldn’t trust it enough to take the chance.

And Soundwave didn’t blame him.

Soundwave took a slow, cautious step closer, and whispered, as soft as a ghost carried on a breeze over the plain: ”’Please, I beg of you, do not betray me.’”

Starscream sucked a breath in.

“‘Recall how many millions of years we have been fellow officers—I'm sure I've never said it, but I truly hold you in the greatest esteem’—”

"Don't," Starscream hissed. "I said whatever I thought I had to, you can't blame me—"

“—‘and were the situation reversed I would certainly not betray you.’”

Starscream fell silent.

He stared at Soundwave, then at the drive in his hand.

"No," he said softly. "You didn't betray me."

He slid the drive away into a wrist compartment, and looked up at the two of them. "So. If we go down, we all go down together—is that the deal?" He spoke now with some facsimile of the bravado he used to be able to wear before his exile—it was a haggard, worn, jaded bravado now, but it was reassuring to see it back on Starscream all the same.

"That seems the most mutually acceptable arrangement," Shockwave said.

"'Acceptable.'" Soundwave nodded. "'Deal?'—'Are you willing to make the ultimate sacrifice?'"

Starscream shuddered at Megatron's words; but, all the same, he nodded. "As long as I don't have to risk making it by myself."

With Shockwave’s voice, Soundwave promised, "'Starscream is not alone.'"

###

[zelebirbo]

oo hfhfh fcuk..... oh my god..... of gh fhg fdndfk

honestly just hearing that my stuff makes ppl as happy is such a gift by itself 4 me??? i draw all this fanart first n foremost for myself but hearing other ppl feeling equally as enthralled by it just rly makes me life. thank u so much im so fucking honored that my stuff has brought enough joy into ur day that u would want to make ME, the goblin bird, something 

u ofc do not have to make me anything man!! again the fact u’d even OFFER is something i appreciate, and i rly do mean that! but since ur askin and if u RLY RLY wanna do it (or maybe you just need some ideas in general bc ik i cant draw everything that comes to my head for this gang esp when i have other things i gotta do) i’ll give u some prompts - if for like nothing else the just as as thank u for this nice ask 

i’m assuming ur specifically asking abt ee so all my stuff’s gonna be abt ee ok ok here we go

- stuff of howie and percy’s dynamic. i ADORE their canon dynamic so much. idk if i’ve ever seen anything quite like their rivals-who-seem-to-hate-eachother-but-upon-closer-inspection-respect-and-care-for-eachother-despite-how-they-butt-heads before? certainly not executed like theirs. give me EVERYTHING that explores their dynamic. like like. a situation where someone hires them BOTH for an architectural job instead of making them compete and how they handle the opportunity of working together. or like hijinks of percy having to chase a criminal through one of howie’s construction sites. or that kinda thing. listen listen they feel like they have a lot of history to them n i feel the possibilities r ENDLESS and i CARE ABOUT THEM SO MUCH

- would also appreciate content of howie in general PLEASE give him as much love as the main arc trios he is brilliant stupendous hard-working and i WILL bleed for him. jello cannot stop me from taking a bullet for this man

- ‘gio should be molly’s new dad’ ‘indus should be molly’s new dad’ ‘ramsey should be molly’s new dad’ ok but everybody be quiet for two seconds and hear me out: bee dad. bear daughter. howie’s. imo. probably the most capable of the notable guy charas to handle caring for a kid like molly as a parental figure (gio’s a kid himself and they’re more sibs vibes, indus ilu but you really are out here w one braincell, and ramsey looks like he cannot handle kids at ALL even if he tried. also just look at howie treats his ‘worker bees’.that’s dad. that’s DAD) and i feel like he’d have a p cool dynamic w her bc of how hardworking she is despite all the shit she’s been through. just listen. listen. SOMEBODY should capitalize on this concept. also in my humble opinion howie would tear martin to shreds for neglecting his job as both a parent and a toymaker 

- percy and ramsey vs zora stuff. while i respect everyone who likes seeing them as an ot3 i personally prefer their canon dynamic that just boils down to the garfielf ‘time to kick ramsey off the table ‘no zora that’s my pet rat, ramsey’ ‘you’re going into orbit, you stupid rodent’ it’s fun, exciting, intense action stuff that i feel could be explored more, esp since zora got away

- my absolute favorite ee humor is ‘bizarre threatening shit that zora probably did to ramsey in the apparent 2 days she was hunting him down to fuck with his head’. examples include my caramelldansen @ 3am parody, day 23 in the chamber, the kitkat man vine, and this duck toy vid. idk why it’s so fucking funny to me but it is. so ya i’d be down for some of that. just let zora be a weird cowboy cryptid bastard whos favorite pasttime includes rat bullying

- stuff on percy and ramsey’s dynamic 2 actually.... tbh idc if it’s platonic or romantic or whatever i just ADORE how they interact so MUCH and i lOVE THEM. buddy cop stuff buddy cop stuff buddy cop st

- zora just being the feral cryptid bicon she is i love her

uhh thats abt my ‘i care these characters’ dump hdsijkfsldkf!! im rly sleepy bc i just had a hell workshift so a lot of this might sound like complete babbling and i apologize

hope u enjoy it again thank u SO Much for liking my stuff that is genuinely is all i can ask for all the rest of this is is Bonus Deal stuff to express my gratitude for u even offering + wanting to encourage ur fanfic passion bc i love supporting the other creators around me however i am able

[entrance01]

The Market Landscape of Commissions, or How Artists Do Not Really Understand Economics and Business

A think piece by an art hobbyist with a BS in Business Administration (Marketing Concentration)

I’ll start off by saying that I won’t blame anyone for not knowing the basics of economics or business and how it can apply to something like art –especially fanart commissions. Often, people don’t realize that there is always a business take on these things.

Commission prices are a point of debate for everyone, from artists themselves and to the people buying the art, and it’s honestly ridiculous. I’ll fucking say it: it’s not too much of a wide scale problem if someone under charges themselves. That is not your fucking market.

I used to be one of those people who are like “CHANGE YOUR PRICES!! CHARGE MORE FOR YOUR LABOR!!” but now I realize that maybe they don’t have to if they know what they are doing. And if it’s not out of their own volition, it most probably isn’t their own fault.

Basic Economics

I’ll assume that you learned economics in your high school (and college as part of your general education), but if you didn’t, don’t worry. I’ll give you the quick rundown.

Supply and demand have an inverse relationship. As the price increases, quantity supplied increases while quantity demanded decreases, and vice versa. There are exceptions to this case, but that is another topic for another day.

In art, you can lower or raise your prices to attract or deter customers –like any other business. It’s not uncommon for some artists to have “commission sales” if they haven’t had commissions open for a while or because of a special holiday. Those are valid reasons to drop your prices momentarily. But, on the flipside, if you are having too much on your plate, just raise your prices incrementally to weed out the people who don’t want to pay those prices. And honestly, if you already have your audience, those people wouldn’t care what the price is if they buy it from you. That is customer loyalty. Cherish them.

Target Markets

Target markets, or target audiences, are the people you are trying to sell to. Sure, you can try to appeal to general audiences, but it really is easier to find your niche and work it. There are plenty of reasons why individuals, and even companies that aren’t conglomerates, would do this.

This is my personal observation, but I think people just assume that the art world is monolithic. That it’s an identical landscape throughout, and it’s not! Like, the overall online art community is, indeed, highly saturated, but you can build your own Blue Water Strategy. There are people who do specific fandoms, specific art styles, specific mediums, and so forth. Sure, there may be intersection, but knowing your quality, your knowledge, and what you are willing to draw, you are making your own brand and market.

I’ll fucking say this too: someone who charges $10 chibis are not taking customers away from the person that does $100-200 portraits.

That artist that does $10 chibis has done their thinking! They thought “I could pump these out pretty fast. I know I can charge more, but maybe I’d get less customers in the long run. If I maintain my price, I can have a steady flow of customers without overworking myself!” And that is understandable! Same with the artist who charges $100-200. They specifically go for the customers who are willing to save money and wait for something they deem worth it.

Not to mention, you can also have tiered commissions based on complexity.

The Fault of the Smaller Artists?

A lot of times, people go and complain like, “Wahh!! These young artists are undercharging, and it makes it harder for us bigger artists to compete!” And honestly? Fuck right off with that.

They are charging what they think their art is worth and it does suck that they aren’t giving themselves the fair wages that they deserve, but whose fault is it? Most certainly not theirs. And while I’m not trying to pit artists against one another, bigger name artists could help by paving the way for smaller artists to follow.

No doubt that these artists with larger followings charge more for their commissions, but there are also some that don’t. I’d say “fine, whatever,” but it’s that kind of behavior that makes it difficult for smaller artists to get some elbow room and find ways to garner more respect. If a famous artist is charging pennies for their work, how can a smaller artist compete with that?

But it’s neither the larger nor the smaller artist’s fault. The real problem lies in the entitlement of the consumer.

Putting Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

Let’s be real. When someone tell a small-time artist to raise their prices, are they really going to help them? Chances are that they won’t. They just tell them “hey, you should charge a working wage for your art” and then fuck right off and do nothing else –don’t signal boost, don’t even commission them, etc. And that really hurts them if they lose customers. That’s honestly on them.

I think these people just want to feel good about themselves, like they’re being helpful and that they know more about the art world than the actual artists, and maybe they do have some good insights! But, ya know, not really… This really comes from a place of, I guess, just thinking that you know universal experiences, which are not a thing… (see my point about the art landscape). Then again, there is also the problem of consumers who don’t see things from the artist perspective.

I can say with certainty that there are a lot of customers who think that custom made art should be easily accessible. That it should be cheap and en masse. They don’t seem to think that one can save up for a commission. I know I do for that one artist I appreciate!! If they understand that someone is willing to pay more for a bespoke suit, then they should extend the same sentiment to art. Art is a luxury, people!!

I guess this may go into the territory of “what gives art value?” and/or “who assigns value to certain artists over other artists?” –my father likes Rembrandt but doesn’t see the appeal of another famous Dutch artist, Van Gogh. But this takes the cake of “another topic for another day.”

Alright, so what about all this? Is there anything we should take away from this? I honestly don’t know. This was mostly just me going off and I didn’t really think I would get so far as to make a conclusion, but I guess I ought to now.

I think… ultimately… the art world, especially in online fandom spaces, is a hot mess. It is a weird environment and is a highly saturated market, aforementioned, and if you are competing directly, it’s a hellscape. Either you play price wars and go in as the lowest bidder, or you charge your fair prices, your luxury prices, your whatever, and back it up with your skill. It’s terrible!!

I do believe that artists should charge more for their work, but not just new, smaller artists. I want this to happen for all artists. And I will still tell artists that they should charge more, but only if they can. Art/content creation is such a weird thing…. Does my advice make sense? Yes. But everything else I’ve been saying about not raising prices also makes sense. There are too many options, all of which have their values, but what works best for one artist won’t work for the next.

When it comes to commissions and prices, we all just have to go back to the drawing board.

[tren-fraszka]

Hate Exchange Letter

Dear creator,

Thank you for taking your time to check my requests. I know my requests can sound a bit tricky, but please don’t be discouraged. I wish you will have good time writing first and foremost!

My AO3 is Tren, if you wish to check it out.

Likes: comedy, casefics, canon compliants, AUs, time loops, bodyswaps, roleswaps, “being hoisted by your own petard” plotlines, snark, pettiness, rivals, enemies to friends to lovers, violence, friendships and character bonding,

DNW: explicit sex, A/B/O, mpreg, rape depicted as positive (so no “it’s okay, because the other person enjoyed it/it was what they truly wanted”), trans headcanons, soulmates, stories ending with surrender to fate/destiny, fourth wall breaking in canons where that doesn’t occur.

Also, I included what ships I’m okay with in each fandom. Please do not include any ships that aren’t canon and I have not allowed in those sections (if you feel really strongly about a ship, you can ask through mods just in case, if I didn’t include my opinion on it).

Additionally, while I almost never request fanart as possible medium, because I prefer my main gift to be fic, I would be very okay with receiving fanart treats.

                                                REQUESTS

PERSONA 5

Hate that ends

Hate that exists and continues

Hate that starts

Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira

I’m a big sucker for party traitors, so it isn’t really a surprise that I walked out of my Persona 5 playthrough with a new shiny ship. I love how messed up it is with both of them planning to outplay each other in a deadly game and yet still forming an emotional attachment. I also really love how they are mirror images of each other. They are extremely similar, and yet they are also each others opposites. There’s just something fascinating in watching them interact.

I’m okay with all takes on hate for this ship. Akechi has canonically very love-hate relationship with the protagonist, so you can spin this however you want. You are also free to make Akira as bitter about the whole thing as you want. I’m always a game for Akira having all the regrets about Akechi’s death and hating Akechi for leaving him with all the emotional turmoil.

For the story, I’m very okay with some in-between the canon flirting with the obligatory dash of scheming and mind games. I’m also all about different ways their confrontation could go down. Maybe it’s Akira who dies and Akechi lives through with his hateful feelings not coming any closer to being resolved? Or Akechi can’t keep his feelings in and slips at some point?

AUs 

I don’t mind AUs, just be aware that the messed up relationship between the two of them is a huge draw for me, so I would definitely opt to preserve that part in some form. You don’t have to do the exact same scenario, but at least make them childhood friends, who ended up on the opposite sides of some conflict. Or undercover spies who got in relationship without knowing each other true identities and they really should kill each other since they work for different clients. The exact setting is of secondary importance to me, so choose whatever you feel would work best. AU Divergences are also welcome. I’m always a game for Akechi surviving. Especially, if he gets to shoot the final boss in the face.

Akechi Goro & Self

He has so many issues you are practically spoiled for choice. Bastard by birth, believes himself to be a reason why his mother died, spent years in foster home system which just enforced his belief that he isn’t worth of love, became a supernatural assassin despite having strong sence of justice. And did I mention having to kill the only person he had formed a legitimate connection with? Yeah, just one of those things would be a great self-hatred fodder, but all those things together mix to create a true picture of self-hatred. You can’t go wrong with it. 

There are so many prompts you could potentially use for this in Akechi/Kurusu segment above (just take out the potential shippiness if the pairing is not your thing), I don’t think there’s much point in repeating myself. You are free to AU as much as you want and have fun.

Hate that ends

Sakura Futaba & Self

I loved the chilling exploration of Futaba’s problems in her palace and further revelations we get through Sojiro’s social link. I would love insight into her deteriorating self-worth post her mother’s death and then followed by slow improvements once Sojiro takes her in.

I would love insight into Futaba trying to figure out the truth about her mother’s death, her initial refusal to believe that it is her fault, followed by slow acceptance over the time, as she fails to find any evidence to the contrary.

I asked for Hate that ends, because I would prefer a take that is compliant with the canon story. I know this is pretty constraining, but at the same time it means that you don’t need to concentrate on the improvement factor. As long as the story ends heavily implaying that Phantom Thieves are about to help her with her issues I will be satisfied.

However, if you do dig the hope aspect I will love some quality Sojiro & Futaba family interactions and her slowly acknowledging that maybe she deserves more than a slow death in seclusion and decides to seek help form Phantom Thieves.

Ships

I ship Akira and Goro, and don’t want them shipped with anyone else. I’m okay with including pretty much any other ships, except for the ones between the characters who are still students and adults.

GOLDEN KAMUY

I’m reading manga chapters as they come out, so you are free to incorporate any new developments into the story. I will definitely be caught up.

Hate that exists and continues

Ogata Hyakunosuke/Sugimoto Saichi

If you know this canon I probably don’t even need to explain to you what I want. They hated each other from the very beginning of the story and the world may end, but their hatred would still live on. You don’t have to be too shippy with this, if you don’t want to, I mostly want to just get more off their passionate hatred we get in the canon.

For the prompts, I would love if they had to work together (just the two of them, or maybe with Shiraishi as a suffering third wheel), because someone kidnapped Asiripa and they had to get her back. Or chasing someone who stole the skins from them.

Alternatively, I would love petty matches over Asiripa’s attention when they act perfectly nice to each other, because she is there, but keep competing for her attention to annoy each other.

Also, this canon is ripe for tropes like huddling for warmth, or sharing one blanket, and would definitely encourage the hate-filled take on those. Also time loops with those two nd how much of a disaster it would be.

AUs and ships

I’m all for canon divergences or changed settings. You want Sugimoto and Ogata as coworkers in modern setting? Go for it. I would love any messing up with the story, because there are so many things that could have gone differently here. 

I have no strong ship preferences here as long as Asiripa is not shipped with anybody. Also I prefer Sugimoto to have no romantic experience, aside from his canonical one-sided crush, before he started to have feelings about Ogata.

THE RISING OF SHIELD HERO (ANIME & MANGA)

I watched anime and read manga, but have not checked light novels. So please, no spoilers for anything beyond manga.

Hate that starts

L’Arc Berg/Iwatani Naofumi

Naofumi spends a lion share of the plot having terrible trust issues after Myne’s betrayal and you can’t convince me that he isn’t extra salty about L’Arc.

L’Arc is literally the first person Naofumi willinglu opens up to after spending majority of the plot avoiding trusting anyone, so the fact that this person turns out to be his enemy must sting. While L’Arc isn’t a type to keep grudge, Naofumi certainly is. Which is why I just want Naofumi being all bitter about his feelings for L’Arc after the betrayal.

I would love some more adventures of those two before the Wave happens and everything goes to shit. Or maybe they meet after the Wave with Naofumi having been separated from the party and struggling with something, and L’Arc runs into him and helps him out (because he’s not the type of guy to stab someone in the back). Which just prompts Naofumi to be even more bitter, because he wants to really hate L’Arc, but unlike Myne he can’t just label him as completely evil.

Or Naofumi going through all the memories he has of L’arc wanting to find good reasons to hate him more, but just coming with more reasons why he loved him in the first place.

AUs and ships

Setting changes and canon divergences are all fine, as long as you keep the element of betrayal.

I’m okay with Naofumi also having some feelings for Raphtalia for an awkward romantic triangle, as long as his complicated feelings for L’Arc are the focus of the story. Other than that I don’t want either of them shipped with anyone else.

GINTAMA

I have watched anime up to Gintama': Enchousen, so please no spoilers beyond that season.

Hate that starts

Hate that exists and continues

Hijikata Toshirou/Okita Sougo

I loved their vitrolic relationship from the very start and the more we got of their backstory, the more I loved it. I would be okay with the story not being very shippy, as long as I get plenty of their amusing interactions.

I love how well they understand each other, including the reasons why they don’t get along, but somehow it is easier for them to maintain that animosity than to try and repair their twisted relationship. 

I always enjoy small tidbits of how terrible they are at working together when it comes to solving anything that isn’t Shinsengumi-threatening emergency. I loved that episode which was just showing Hijikata and Okita attempting to do normal police stuff and utterly failing to have any sort of law-abiding integrity while they were at it.

If you want to go to the backstory and how they already didn’t get along in the dojo I’m also all for it. Any involvement of Mitsuba to add oil to the already bright flames of mutual dislike is welcome. I love how her presence mellows both of them when she’s there, but in the long run it just made their relationship even more of a mess, because they both wanted the best for her in their own way.

For shippier request I would love a date attempt by those two homicidal idiots. There are just so many ways this could go wrong. Or Gintama staple of handcuffed together with Hijikata constantly having to stop the dismemberment attempts.

AUs and ships

I’m open to any sort of setting or canon divergence. Then again, I dare you find a cooler setting than samurai police in alien infested Edo.

I don’t want the two of them shipped for anyone else, except for maybe acknowledging  Hijikata’s canonical feelings for Mitsuba (because that just makes Hijikata and Okita’s relationship even more of a trainwreck). For other ships I enjoy Gintoki shipped with either Otae or Tsukuyo, and Kagura and Shinpachi as two characters who are not yet ready for relationship, but would make a nice match once they grow up more.

BOKU NO HERO ACADEMIA

I read the manga chapters as they come out, you can assume I’m caught up on all new developments.

Hate that ends

Bakugou Katsuki/Uraraka Ochako

I love how different the two of them are, but at the same time how well they compliment and understand each other. Also, while I love them as a pairing I won’t mind if you write them as friends, as long as you don’t pair them with other characters.

For this exchange I would love a more conflict driven beginning of their friendship. Bakugo says a few words too much about Midoriya? Uraraka tries to talk to Bakugo about how he treats Deku or just about how he acts in general and accidentally pokes his terrible inferiority complex? Or they run into each other before the UA entrance exam and somehow end up having a more bitter relation? All of that is good.

I would love if then they were forced to then acknowledge each others strengths as heroes, but possibly still feeling somehow bitter. Maybe they end up working together when UA is attacked? Or incorporating their duel during the sports festival (which I love, it’s what started this ship for me). Or maybe Uraraka gets kidnapped together with Bakugo during the camp and she ends up revising her opinion of him while they are in captivity together. 

For more prompts I would love having them complete some sort of exercise or exam together. I would love to see them pretend to be villains for the sake of exercise and butting heads, because they dislike each other. Or they work together on something for school festival. Like making a perferomance together. Alternatively you can go for a future fic where the two of them take part in an action to stop villains as full-fledged heroes, but they can’t let go of all the hang-ups they have about each other from when they went to school together.

AUs and ships

I would very much encourage any future fics for this pairing. I love seeing characters as fully-fledged heroes. I’m okay with other setting changes, though I would prefer for the competence aspect to still come in play somehow in them (with Bakugo being stupidly talented and hard working, while acknowledging Ochako’s potential). I’m also very okay with canon divergences.

I don’t mind past Midoriya/Ochako if you want to incorporate it into the story, but I’d rather not get any love triangles for this pairing. Either have Ochako’s feelings sizzle out or have them date and break up at some point in the past. When it comes to other pairings I like Midoriya/Todoroki and Eraserhead/Mic, but have no strong feelings on other characters pairings, so you are free to do whatever I guess.

FATE/ZERO

I’m well versed in Fate franchise so if you wish to expand beyond Fate/Zero to include either some parts of Fate/Stay Night or El-Melloi II Case Files I will be very fine with that.

Hate that exists and continues

Kotomine Kirei & Self

Kotomine Kirei and his self-loathing is unironically one of my favourite ships in Fate. I loved Kirei’s internal monologues in the novel, as he slowly inched toward the self-discovery that he is in fact the very thing that he was taught to hate the most.

Give me all the religious guilt. All the nagging thoughts that follow Kirei’s enjoyment of ruining other people’s lives. Kirei already thought of himself as lacking before the events of Fate/Zero and watching his doomed pursuit of finding something meaningful in his life was great.

Kirei was basically doomed to suffering, either by continuing his empty life or by embracing his true self and plunging himself into depth of self-hatred. And I’m all about that freefall, sponsored by the ancient king Babylon. So give me Kirei struggling within the confines of Holy Grail War, trying to find himself, yet suspecting that nothing good will ever come out of it.

AUs and ships

I’m okay with canon divergences, less about setting changes due to how deeply Kirei’s issues steam from his specific situation, but if you can make it work I will be for it. I would be very excited for canon divergences. Maybe Kirei making slightly different choices during the Holy Grail War? Maybe alternate timeline when he decides not to betray Tokiomi, but somehow still ends up on path of evil despite his efforts. Maybe he summoned a different servant, who influences Kirei differently? I’m always surprised by how interesting alternate scenarios people come with for Holy Grail Wars, just give me your take.

For alternate timeline takes, you can make my day by including wreacking Matou’s mansion and/or killing Zouken. Even if it’s just a footnote.

I very much ship Kirei both with his dead wife and Gilgamesh. You are free to incorporate both of those ships. 

Hate that exists and continues

Waver Velvet & Self

Another contender for the biggest self-loathing in the franchise. El-Melloi II anime reminded me just how much I enjoyed that aspect of Waver.

I would love an alternate take when Waver and Keyneth actually had a more proper face-off other than their first meeting on the battlefield. I would love if Waver saw Kayneth wheelchair-bound and blamed himself for that.

Or something more canon-compliant exploring Waver’s feeling of uselessness and guilt he has. Either is good. For extra self-loathing you could get the family Waver is staying at caught in the crossfire of one of the fights. Or Waver gets used by some other master to attack another and only belatedly realizes that he was nothing more than a tool used for murder. 

Just give me some quality Waver suffering and self-blame whether dislpaced or not.

AUs and ships

Similarly as above, I’m stocked for any canon divergences. Maybe Waver summoning a different servant? Waver making different choices as to how proceed with the war. Maybe making an allience that doesn’t work out for him in a longer run? 

For alternate timeline takes, you can make my day by including wreacking Matou’s mansion and/or killing Zouken. Even if it’s just a footnote.

I don’t ship Waver with anyone, so I would prefer no romantic plotlines for him. I find his relationship with Rider interesting and definitely important, but can’t see it as romantic.

[outlanderfanfics]

Getting to Know Mybeautifuldecay

It’s time to learn more about yet another one of our beloved fanfic writers, @mybeautifuldecay​!

She was born as Sarah in the Midlands of Britain, where she also grew up. Her background is just white British as far as she knows. She says she can barely speak English let alone another language. Although, she does admit she can get by on the few lines of French that she remembers from secondary school, but that barely counts, she says. She is currently 32 years old and started writing Outlander fanfics when she was 28, back in the old Droughlander days during the hiatus of season one. Simpler times, she says, when she would write short bursts on her tiny iPhone because she didn’t have a computer to do it on. In school, she studied Fine Art and Education. Currently, she is a teacher—hopefully gifting young minds or something similar, she says—but I’m sure she gifts them with knowledge as much as she gifts us with her wonderful fics! For fun, Sarah loves painting, drawing and writing, but she also has a new cycling addiction and she would swim her way through the summer if she could. She also loves creating Outlander fanart as well as fic. As a unique talent, she can make weird animal sounds. Her favourite is her dolphin call but she can also do a pretty convincing seal—hand claps and all. If she could go through the stones, she would love to go back and experience medieval times. She’s always had this daft notion that she could be a passable jouster. So she says she’d probably have to go with France or somewhere in Europe where knights would compete. LANCES AT THE READY!!

Keep reading to see the full Q & A.

What inspired you to start writing Outlander fanfiction?

Truly it was a mix of needing to have my own corner of the universe where I could investigate Jamie and Claire outside of their Outlander covers - I really sobbed when they had to spend 20 years apart and I’ve tried to write AU’s where I stop that from happening or at least curtail it. It also had a little something to do with @gotham-ruaidh​.

What are some of your favourite quotes that you have written?

I’ve written so many stories now that I can’t even begin to think how I’d choose just one <3 - if anyone fancies messaging me any of their personal favourites - I would love to hear them.

What is your writing process when writing your fanfics?

I write in a completely boring and uniform way. Once I get started I just write through until it’s done. It might take me a few days and/or weeks but I write in a linear way - I can’t do it any other way because I am totally unable of keeping track of myself.

Do you write during a specific time of day?

In bed with a cup of tea in the evening - it’s always when I’m cocooned in my massive duvet. I--sometimes--write during the day when I get a moment but at work I have lots to keep my mind active so I rarely get any time to sit and write personal things.

Do you ask for input from peers?

I used to ask way more than I do now. I will ask my lovely sisters over at @imagineclaireandjamie​ because we have a brilliant support network but work has kind of taken over since September so I’m usually quite insular when I write, that and the time differences between me and everyone else can be a challenge. Sometimes I will harass @outlandishchridhe and @thescarlettpeacock via skype, whatsapp and carrier pigeon depending on the time of day.

Do you edit while you write or do you use a more stream-of-consciousness approach?

I write, then I edit then I send it to my beta to check over because I tend to go word-blind and it won’t matter how many times I’ve read through it, I’ll still miss important things. I try to make sure they go out with no mistakes, but I often fail :D - I still find things I need to change now in old fic chapters when I read them randomly and I shake my head at myself.

What is your favourite genre to write and why?

I love romance tinged with angst. I’m terrible at being able to write 100% happy times but I love giving them minor humps to overcome. I’ve only ever written one story that didn’t have Claire and Jamie being together and reunited (and that one I did have plans to get them back to one another - I just didn’t finish it completely). I don’t want them to go through half the struggles they go through in Diana’s books but it wouldn’t be interesting without some minor humps, would it? ;)

What has been your favourite season of the show so far and why?

That has to be S1 when they were all new and fresh faced. I love young Jamie when he’s so love-naive and has all the heart eyes for Claire. And I love her immediate transition to the 18th century. I just love their humble beginnings.

Have you read any of Diana’s books?

I have and I’ve read them all. It took me a while to plow through The Fiery Cross but I did it in the end. Other than Outlander (for obvious reason), my favourite book is A Breath Of Snow and Ashes because it was the book that gave me so much Claire and Jamie time (even with the horrors that they face the wrath of). Sigh. Anything Jamie and Claire I am here for. 100%.

Do you read/write fanfics for any other fandom?

I used to read way more than I do now because I had a little more free time but when I can, I search through Tumblr because there are so many awesome and talented people out there. But I don’t write any other fandom works - only Outlander.

What is one random fact about you that you have never revealed on Tumblr before?

Now this is a hard one. I think I’m quite boring so finding something that I haven’t revealed is tough. O.K. - so, although I’m actually a teacher, during most of my holidays and free time I love to go and help my friend dog walk and cuddle pooches. I will legitimately lie on the floor and let them all cover me - no shame. Also, I was born with bright ginger hair but it sort of went a strawberry blonde so now I dye it because I prefered it ginger. I hope that’s not too dull.

And that’s the amazing @mybeautifuldecay. Even though I haven’t added her stories to my archive YET, you can check out her fanfiction master list on her blog or her AO3 page.

[milo-gin]

soft bias tag

tagged by @sugas-kookies thanks (imissyou)

❦ Who is your bias?

The man in my profile photo and his many sides and endeavours. Min Yoongi/Suga/PD/AGUST D

❦ What made you notice them?

Well, since I like talking I’ll write the entire story. One day (this is a pun and you’ll see why) I was watching art videos and ran into this amazing fanart of a guy with white hair and it said “AGUST D SPEEDPAINT” since I had a thing for white haired characters I gave it a go, without knowing it was KPOP related because as no one knows I despised kpop and their fandoms A LOT, moving on though, I went along and watched the entire thing and I after watching @auriee video more than 10 times I started to accept the fact that I REALLY LIKE THAT SONG AND I HAD TO KNOW THE MAN BEHIND IT. When I saw him maaaaan I fell, and as plus I was trying to get into rap a little more because I was in need of new music so this one fit the glove perfectly, then I procedeed to slowly tap the waters and listened to his other MV, after that I started reading the comments to see where could I download that mixtape, and found it on twitter...This wasnt enough though so I was like I need m o r e  music from him, and later on found out he was in a KPOP band and was like....NOPE...But slowly my curiousity and love for his outstanding talent go the better of me... So I explored this so called “BTS” and tried many songs didnt like any of them they were too hyped to get into them as a first, but then I found love of my life ONE DAY lol As a funny side note I later on discovered that it was almost meant to be I had both photos of him and Taehyung as hot guys I wanted to draw, the selca I’d saved was the following

So yeah....that’s my story LOL ❦ What’s your favorite thing about them?

I love that he speaks his mind, maybe because that’s a quality I lack also I love that he’s shy and aloof. That’s always been kind of the guys that I like physically they always have this coldness to them, but in reality they’re always the kindest people, and this is without a doubt the case with him too. He’s just such a nice and talented human. I admire him a lot, he’s such an inspirational soul.

❦ Who would initiate skinship more?

I think me if the scenario was perfect then we’d probably known each other for quite some time so i think I would be the one to make things happen since Im more of an acting kind than talking irl

❦ Who would hog blankets more?

i feel like because of the way I am I’d let him hog the blanket haha and get another one for myself so that he feels comfortable

❦ Who would be more clingy?

neither? I’m not clingy and yoongi doesn’t seem like he’s too clingy either

❦ Who would say ‘l love you’ first?

Damn...maybe me cuz I get attached super fast, and I am in a sort of “no ragrets” run so if I like, love, feel anything for someone I tell them. I now speak my mind more so than I ever did before cuz I learned the hard way that sometimes it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission as we say in spanish

❦ Who would be more easily flustered?

I think he’d pretend not to get flustered lol but he’d definitely get more flustered...depending on the situation also cuz I am very aloof about many things mostly when it comes to detaching myself from others 

❦ What cuddling position would you two have?

Not to be that person, but I’m a scorpio venus and moon...so maybe id be big spoon because i love babying the shit out of people, and I recently found out I love being big spoon, adding up Im a cancer mars so yeah there you go that’s why I like giving more than receiving

❦ Which colours remind you of them and why?

I think of blue idk why but that’s the color I associate with him, teals, and cold colors maybe the shade pigment too...basically dark and cold spectrum colors

❦ Which season would you like to spend with them?

I have no idea, but I think he doesnt function well in warm weather so summer is out of the table lol cuz he kinda doesnt like it. So maybe Winter or something that’s very chill not too cold or hot...balanced weather I guess that would be Spring

❦ Who would bake the cookies and who would steal the batter?

I dont bake lol so he’ll do it. I’ll be stealing

❦ Which one of you would make bad puns and how would the other react?

i’m a libra, end of the story. We make a lot of puns, i like puns if you dont like them we cant be friends

❦ Who would want to adopt 50 dogs and cats?

Hmm seeing how he loves Holly i’ll convince him somehow and we’ll end up doing it haha

❦ Which one of you would nearly burn the down the kitchen to try to microwave a pop tart and who would come to rescue?

me...I always burn stuff while cooking. Im sorry, im a poor excuse of a woman

❦ Who likes to lean over tall railings and who pulls them back?

I fear heights so...maybe none of us. I dont know him lol so I wouldnt know how he’d act on this one

❦ What would watching a horror film with them be like?

I dont think he’d watch a scary film, he’s said he doesnt like them so he avoids them and he seems like the stubborn type when it comes to things he likes to do which is why he always says that he wants to be with someone that is very similar to himself. So i cant imagine it sorry. I just dont think it could work

❦ Who would be the cheesy flirt and who would be the smooth flirt?

I think he’d be the cheesy flirt hahahhaa he’s a softie and he’s sometimes very impulsive from what i’ve picked up so he’d do it and regret it immediately. I know that I am very smooth as a flirter cuz I just ignore people i like o _ o ) but jokes aside in a comfortable situation I am very smooth

❦ Who is more competitive?

hmmm i think none of us haha i dont think things are worth fighting about when they’re not serious like games, sports, all those things I take them as entertainment and I want to take out stress. If I take it seriously and compete ill stress out which is missing the point of the whole thing.  Given the way he’s with music I think he’d end up competing and ill be like “meh” ahaha but on the inside id be like “i dont wanna play anymore cuz i keep losing” 

❦ Who would have to be given constant reminders (remember to eat, don’t forget your keys, etc.)

MEEEE lol I hate that shit. It’s my “pet peeve” it gets under my skin, I hate being told what to do when I know I have to do it.

❦ Who sends memes and who sees cute ‘I miss you’ texts at 3am?

I get cheesy at 3 am and im usually awake very late so I’d send the “I miss you” text and he’d respond with a meme of his face like

I think he’d do that cuz he likes acting all cool and stuff, but inside he’d be dying when told someone missed him (maybe like ive said I wish i knew him but I can only speculate from what I’ve picked up on his lives and stuff they’ve done for us to be a little more “public”) I’ll tag: @jin-sin @billiethebean @chiminichichi @lukello (idk if youll do this cuz i know how you see your boo) @hobislobster @gaypopped @daegutown @its-suga-sweet @jungkookiimonster @sugaa @anaevilbanana

[aftgonice]

I'm not sure if this is weird but maybe story time I guess. There was this anon that bashed one of my fav authors.. Said that they wondered why author was so well liked when said author is self centered and doesn't really have good work. Several minutes later, messages came pouring in. Author's mutuals defended said author and well of course, said anon's an asshole and all that (to be continued) - 💙

I’m not close with fav author and I know that anon is asshole but when I saw the comments from author’s mutuals, all I could think is how much envy that anon felt after.. And maybe it’s because I’m not a mutual to the author, but I empathize with the anon more.. (to be continued) - 💙

I saw myself then and there, how shitty I was and how I lost respect from potential friends/peers and how much it sucked that said anon just being bashed by other’s when really that anon might be a lonely person who just wants someone to talk to.. (to be continued) - 💙

And it just made me want to reach out and say these things, support them, tell them on their bullshit without telling them off that they’re the worst human being ever (because really human’s are flawed and that said human probably just need a friend.. That.. Or they really are an asshole.. I wouldn’t know haha but it just.. It stung my feels so hard… - 💙

Sorry if this is becoming an angst fest hahaha it seemed like a weird thing for me I guess soooo yea I just shared.. Anyways have some 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙 - 💙

Hey Blue Heart Anon!!! (I love that you sign your messages)

Okay, first of all, thank you so much for these messages! They’re really personal so I want to thank you for opening up and most of all trusting me with these.

Secondly, I need to make it clear that something similar happened in my circle of mutuals (and I think it’s likely that you’re referring to exactly the same episode I witnessed). I don’t know why I feel like I should point it out but I guess it’s a disclaimer I want to have here in case my mutuals think this episode touches them personally.

Okay. Now. 

You, dear Blue Heart Anon, have a great heart and a very sensitive soul and I appreciate it a lot. And let me tell you, while reading your messages I could see my own thought process and I could see myself writing the exact same things. Are you actually me?

You see, when people find a way (here the way is anonymity) to be needlessly mean like that anon was (from here on: Mean Anon), it means they’re envious and jealous. So when they say: “your work isn’t good enough”, what they say is: “I’ve never written anything in my life and I’m jealous that you’re writing something and are so successful”. 

It’s perfectly fine not to like someone’s work, and depending on what type of content they create there are ways to let them know. For example, it’s essential to the book industry that published books get honest reviews from readers. But books are something you pay for, and there’s a whole market behind them, and the reviews don’t go to the authors themselves (unless they do decide to read them, but reviews are supposed to be for other reviewers/readers and for the publishers).

When dealing with fanfiction or fanart, obviously everything is very different from what I described about the book industry. First of all, any criticism (unless the author/artist asked for it, usually in the form of constructive criticism) should be kept to yourself. That’s because content creators are giving you something for free, they’re often exposing themselves in a way they would never do with their friends and family, and you’re just a witness to what they chose to let you see. And unless they gifted their work to you specifically, you chose to click on their work and could have stopped consuming it at any point. So, unless the author asked for criticism, you simply leave, maybe even unfollow them, but that’s it. 

(Sometimes a fic/work is very offensive and it hurts a group of people, that has happened in two of my fandoms and that’s a whole other thing to deal with, but I wanna try to keep this as short and as in-topic as possible.)

TL;DR so far: generally speaking, if something is free and you are somehow able to talk to the content creator directly, do not criticize. 

Let me go back to the comparison with the book industry a little bit.

I feel like there is this barrier we see between ourselves and someone we know is a published author. Even if you can talk to them via twitter these days, we still see them as automatically better than us.

This barrier doesn’t exist on tumblr. We see authors or artists interact with other people we follow or even our mutuals. Maybe we’re mutuals with some of them. We actually talk to them and share many of the same interests as them. 

So when we see their success (a bit like we’d see a published author’s success), it’s much easier to both identify with them and also to ask ourselves, “Why not me?”

If my mutual or this person I follow is just a “common person” like me, maybe even someone I have talked to, what do they have that makes them more successful than I am?

We aren’t envious of something that we know is almost impossible for us to achieve. To change metaphor a bit, we don’t send hate messages to, let’s say, the greatest pianist of our generation, because it’s very unlikely that we could have ever competed for that spot ourselves (unless we’re a great pianist too). 

We are most envious of what we could see ourselves achieving, and yet don’t.

We don’t because we aren’t brave enough to try, to put ourselves out there, and that’s okay! Not everybody needs to be writing or drawing, but the thing is: we see that there’s only one tiny step between Doing The Thing and Not Doing The Thing, and content creators on tumblr are just one step further than other tumblr users (the ones who only reblog and send nice messages and that we all love because we wouldn’t have an audience without them). 

That’s where Mean Anon comes in. Envy is normal and natural, and a healthy amount of it is actually what drives you to do better and put yourself out there, as long as you recognize it for what it is and put it to good use.

But people like Mean Anon aren’t able to take that envy and turn it into something productive, so they twist it and turn it to something ugly like hate messages (all as anons, of course, because they would never show their faces while saying those things). 

And you, dear Blue Heart Anon, are absolutely right. Mean Anon is probably unhappy IRL for whatever reason (@ Mean Anon or whoever identifies and sees themself as a possible Mean Anon: I don’t know you and I don’t want to make any more assumptions about you, but I hope you’ll somehow see this message and maybe it’ll help you) and coming on this site where creating and being successful is so potentially easy that it seems like everybody could do it must be really hard (and no, that’s not sarcasm: it really is hard to see others succeed while we simply don’t, no matter if it’s IRL or here).

It’s okay and it’s good for us to acknowledge that there are real people with real feelings behind these Mean Messages, because sadly they won’t stop coming, so we might as well try to understand why they act the way they do. True, some people are just pure assholes and that’s it, but I think when we’re talking specifically about someone attacking someone else because of their success, there’s always envy at the root of the problem.

And envy is one of the worst feelings ever. I talked about how Mean Anons are probably people who were never able to take that step towards creating something, but we all experience envy even if we create content ourselves. The same people who got hate messages probably envy someone else they deem more successful than them.

I envy some of my mutuals every day because they are faster writers than I am, or they write stuff that attracts more people, or whatever reason, and on bad days I need to take a step back and be off tumblr for a bit, but at the end I turn that into a way to push forward or tell myself that it’s okay if this is the best I can do. 

Their success is not your failure. There is a role for everybody and you just have to find yours. 

I don’t think it’s my place to tell people how to react to this particular kind of Mean Anons (the envious ones). I can’t blame people at all for treating them like the assholes they are, especially in the heat of the moment. The thing is, Mean Anons are bullies that, regardless of their reasons and personal history, want to intimidate others because that’s much easier than showing them support, because they have no one to properly vent their anger and frustration to, so they vomit all over you and your shit and that might give them a tiny bit of satisfaction right away, but believe me, they’ll feel like shit afterwards. Even if they don’t feel like shit about what they said, they just keep feeling like shit because living life this way only makes you more bitter and sad and there’s no way out unless you start loving yourself and others.

So, this turned into one of my longest rants yet, but I’m really grateful for your messages, Blue Hearts Anon. Keep seeing good in people even when they’re in the wrong and when they’re flawed, as long as you acknowledge that what they do is shitty. Maybe one of these Mean Anons will meet you or come across your nice messages and will feel understood and won’t harass anyone anymore.