#if i wanted to be valued i’d be better and i simply am not.

[bylroos]

not to sound like my teenage self again but. man am i tired of always being left behind when my best friend gets a significant other.

[boobearymuch]

A Promise

Summary: You locked yourself away in the bedroom after getting home, and when Zayne called you over for dinner, you took the plate to go. At that point, perhaps someone braver than Zayne would have followed you and finally talked it out. Zayne sat alone and ate in silence instead. Tags: Zayne/Reader, gender-neutral, fluff, light angst Word Count: 1.4k read on ao3 | masterlist

Careful tapping filled the tense silence of your apartment—accompanied by your occasional stomping to the kitchen and back—as Zayne typed away at his laptop. It was getting dark out, and it was usually around this hour when patient forms and research articles blurred into an incoherent mess. The doctor looked up from his screen, blinking away the strain in his hazel eyes, before glancing around. “Love, have you seen my glasses?” You don’t respond. Instead, he hears your heavy footfall in the next room until the bedroom door abruptly swings open. Zayne glances at you, and you impatiently present him with the article he’s looking for. Except, you’re holding them by the lens. Zayne says nothing as he accepts the smudged glasses. 

“Have fun reading.” You mutter under your breath and stomp back to the bedroom. Zayne simply stares at the dirty glasses for a moment before sighing and shutting his laptop. You’re angry. Still angry. Have been since your hospital visit this afternoon. And Zayne isn’t sure how to approach you, so—like a coward—he busied himself with work to avoid your ire. He managed to convince himself you needed space, that you would pout and cross your arms for a bit, but ultimately come around to see his side of things. That never happened. You locked yourself away in the bedroom after getting home, and when Zayne called you over for dinner, you took the plate to go. At that point, perhaps someone braver than Zayne would have followed you and finally talked it out. Zayne sat alone and ate in silence instead. 

He pinched the bridge of his noise and inhaled deeply. Right. 

The bedroom door creaked as Zayne gently pushed it open to find you scrolling away on your phone. You were resting, at least, like he suggested you did. “Have you taken your vitamins yet? I can bring you a glass of water.” His soft gaze never left you. 

You didn’t even glance up from your phone. “Why? Gonna tell Jenna if I don’t?” Well, then, there was no avoiding it now. 

Zayne stepped further into the bedroom. “No, but it would make your doctor feel better if you did.” You did glance at him this time, albeit briefly, to glare. “We should talk about this.”

Your nostrils flared at the statement. “Oh, so now you want my opinion?” 

“I’ve always valued your opinion.” Zayne sat at the opposite end of the bed now, and you groaned as you turned away from him. He’s never seen you like this. At least, not with him. Knowing he was at the root of your anger weighed painfully on his chest. It hurt to breathe, even. “But when it comes to your health, I am always going to prioritize your well-being. No matter what.”

“You went behind my back, Zayne.” Your voice was low, spine facing him, but he hung on your every word. “You just went ahead and told my captain I’d be taking the week off before you even told me.”

“I…regret that.” Zayne clasped his hands together awkwardly, “I should have let you known first. Listened to you.” When you said nothing, he let out a small breath, “But I am not letting myself regret making you take the week off.”

At this, you finally sat up to whirl around and huff at him. “That wasn’t your choice to make. It was mine. My choice.”

Zayne met your heated gaze with an intensity of his own. “You walked into my office half-dead and bleeding—”

“I was not half-dead, it was a concussion!”

“Well, you scared me half to death. How could I, in good conscience, just let you return to work like that?” Your mouth opened, then closed. Did you have any idea how terrified he was? “When I saw you,” Zayne paused to swallow around nothing, “My first thought was, how many more times will I have to see you like that?” His brow furrowed, and those green eyes desperately darted to the bandage on your forehead.

“It’s part of the job.” Your voice held no bite to it. Instead, you watched him as closely as he watched you now, “You know that.”

“I know that.” He repeated, “I know.” His jaw clenched, and his voice came out smaller than he expected it to, “...And what if you don’t make it to the hospital next time?” You inhaled sharply and looked away now, head dropping to distract yourself with Zayne’s bedding. “You constantly throw yourself into harm’s way, again and again, with little regard to your heart condition. Can you blame me for taking matters into my own hands?” He watched the fabric of his comforter scrunch underneath his fist. 

You seemed considerably calmer now and managed a glance at him. “...I really worried you today, didn’t I?”

“I am always worried. More than I’d like to admit.” He added softly.

The moment hung in the air for several seconds. “You could have just told me that from the beginning, you know.” You mumbled—face burning—and Zayne finally looked up, “I know I tend to ignore your medical advice, but if I had known how you were really feeling, I would have listened to you. Anything to reassure you.”

Zayne knew that already. He knew, deep down, you might agree to taking time off. But his heart reacted before his mind did; he feared the worst. If only he were better at expressing himself, this entire conversation could have been avoided. Guilt sank his shoulders. “I’m sorry.”

The bed dipped, and you were suddenly mere inches from him. He said nothing as you grabbed his hand and laid his palm flat against your clothes. Over your heart. “Do you feel that?” You whispered, eyes searching his. Zayne’s breath hitched in his throat; the gentle drum of your heart beat faster than usual, “It’s still beating, thanks to you.” Your fingers curled around his, and Zayne took the moment to ground himself. You were so warm, so alive. You were okay. “I will always make it home to you, Zayne,” Your other hand gently thumbed his cheek, “I promised my doctor I would, after all.” 

He averted his gaze, embarrassed, as a breathy chuckle left him. Zayne felt ridiculous. You were the one with a concussion, yet here you were comforting him. “Can you make another promise? To just me?”

You perked up, clearly in a better mood now, “Anything.”

He brought your hands together to clasp them in his larger ones, “Promise me,” Then he brought them to his lips, “you’ll remember I’m always here for you.”

The kiss he placed on your knuckles brought the first smile to your lips all day. “What a sap.” You murmured timidly, and averted your eyes from Zayne’s. But he didn’t relent; this was the closest you’ve both been since your argument began this afternoon. You had no idea how sorely he itched to be at your side, to be within arm’s reach of whatever you could possibly want or need. Now that the matter was settled, he had no intention of letting you slip away. 

“Rest now,” And he kissed your hands again just because he could, “I’ll grab your vitamins and make tea.” He reluctantly pulled away to do just that—and completely missed the impish glint in your eye. Before Zayne could fully stand, a swift pair of arms wrapped themselves around his neck and tugged. A grunt of surprise left him as he fell forward and braced himself just in time to avoid crushing you. Wide eyes met your twinkling gaze, and you had the audacity to laugh at his expression. “Your concussion—”

“Don’t leave me, Dr. Zayne!” You wailed dramatically, “The only vitamin I need right now is vitamin you.”

“Stop.” His ears burned hot with embarrassment before you even finished your sentence. You’ve used that line before, every time he offered you vitamins, in fact. He should’ve seen it coming, honestly.

“And why should I? You’re too easy to tease,” You laughed to yourself and brushed disheveled bangs out of his flustered eyes. Then your gaze softened, “Come here?”

Zayne hesitated. “I shouldn’t. You need to rest properly.” But your arms only tugged at his shoulders impatiently.

“I can’t rest properly unless you come closer.” Zayne sighed, but smiled down at you gently. You could read him like an open book by now, and something told Zayne this was more for his benefit than your own. 

“Just for a few minutes.” Zayne carefully lowered himself to nuzzle into the crook of your neck, arms instantly wrapping themselves around your waist, “And then you’re taking your vitamins.”

“Mhm…” Your own hands began their lazy circles across his back, one reaching up to slide into his raven hair, “I missed you, too, by the way.” He chuckled softly against your skin. 

Like an open book.

[ataleofcrowns]

I love A and Xs friendship, it’s very cute how X gets a bit sheepish(?) around A. Will we ever get to see how they got so close or abt the time they met?

Begging for A/X crumbs

I actually have a bonus snippet up on my Patreon going into the first time A and X met, as well as a snippet of a romantic scenario for the two of them! They're available for tiers 2/3 (Successor and Crown tiers).

Here's some excerpts that I think A/X shippers might enjoy!

For the first time they met, told from A's POV:

“Well, well, aren’t you ambitious,” Xelef says, smirking with amusement, and Azad can’t tell if he’s being derisive or not. “I’d introduce myself, but I’m sure you already know who I am.” Whatever Xelef’s intent, Azad feels the urge to establish himself as an equal—or, at least, undermine Xelef’s composure to level the playing field. “Indeed,” Azad says after a pause, then points out: “You have ghoul pus on your tunic.” The tactic works even better than expected. “What?” Xelef startles, looking down at the purplish smear on his robes, recoiling when he sees it. “Oh no, no no no! Disgusting!” Azad watches with no small amount of bemusement as Xelef rips the straps of his leather armor pieces off his chest and then tears his tunic off his head, throwing it to the ground. “Did you really just remove your armor over that?” Azad remarks faintly, though his eyes dip down Xelef’s chest before he realizes what he’s doing. Glancing over the thick dark hair that trails from his chest to his stomach and past his bellybutton—until Xelef notices. “You’re welcome for the view,” he says, seeming to momentarily forget his disgust as he puts a hand on his hip. Azad quickly averts his eyes, scoffing. “What view? That of a mercenary squealing like a child over some pus?” To his amazement, Xelef bends down and picks up his leather armor, reattaching the pieces without his tunic. “Pardon me for valuing cleanliness,” Xelef huffs, and Azad notices a bit of dried purple liquid in his hair. He thinks it better not to mention, considering Xelef’s reaction, until Xelef says: “In any case, you’re also welcome for us doing your job. Don’t worry, in my magnanimous generosity, I won’t expect payment.” To the Void with that, then. “You also have pus in your hair,” Azad points out mercilessly, and Xelef’s eyes go wide with horror. “NO!” He turns to a masked mercenary nearby, gesturing at his head in panic. “Heval, water! WATER! NOW!” Azad can’t help himself, letting a laugh slip, and Xelef turns to him with indignation. “You think this is a joke?” Xelef yells. “My hair is ruined and you’re laughing! I could turn into a ghoul—” The masked mercenary, Heval, lets out a long-suffering sigh as they take a flask from their belt and approaches. “That’s not how that works, chief.”

For the romantic scenario, told from X's POV:

Xelara sighs, leaning forward to rest her chin thoughtlessly on Ashti’s shoulder from behind her. “I don’t think we’ll find your hidden compartment in here.” It’s a casual gesture that isn’t supposed to mean anything, beyond the indication for how comfortable Xelara feels around Ashti. She knows Ashti is slow to warm up to physical affection, but they’ve gotten to a point where an arm over the shoulder or a hug isn’t uncommon for them. She thought this would be received the same—but then she feels Ashti stiffen. She focuses, and hears Ashti’s heart starting to beat faster in her chest. Feels her body heat begin to rise. “Right,” Ashti speaks after a noticeable pause, fingers clenched around the closet door she’s holding onto. Xelara considers whether to pull away. She can sense that the touch is either making Ashti nervous, or excited, or both, judging from the way her body reacts. None of those possibilities necessarily indicate that it’s wanted. “Do you mind?” she asks quietly, and Ashti’s heart beat flutters. Xelara bites down on her lip in an attempt to suppress a smile; she simply can’t help it. Ashti is so adorable whenever she gets flustered. “No,” Ashti responds haltingly, even while her posture is tenser than stone. She clears her throat, attempting to brush over it. “I’m used to your clinginess by now.” “Really?” Xelara shuffles a little closer, her chin atop Ashti’s shoulder still the only point of contact, but she hears Ashti’s breath catch all the same. “So you won’t mind if I hug you like this?” Ashti’s heart starts to pound, her neck all but glowing heat against the side of Xelara’s face. “…No.” Xelara’s hands lift to grip Ashti’s waist, fingers lightly curling around either side. Ashti doesn’t move a single muscle. “Are you sure?”

[ingydar-phan]

Happy birthday Dan. I found you at a very, very low point in my life. It’s funny, because that point was only a few months ago. March 3rd. March 3rd. Jesus Christ. I was dealing with severe bullying, depression, hopelessness, isolation, gender dysphoria (i have been out/socially transitioned for like 5 years), and most of all, loneliness. I had a circle of about 3 friends who i talked to regularly, but only 1 i even saw in person more than once per year. Then, two of those 3 people began having relationship issues and were on the verge of breaking up. I felt like i was a bother, a burden to their already existing issues. Every single day I’d walk into school, put my headphones on, and not talk to a single person. I’d read, sleep, listen to music, dissociate, and sleep some more throughout the day just to distract myself from everything. From class, from parents, from the outside, everything. I fully and truly believed everyone besides those 3 people hated me. They found me disgusting, annoying, taking up space, and simply didn’t want me there. I think that is true to an extent, but i don’t like how i was just letting that be how it is. My dad was genuinely hopeless, he told me to just ride it out and if i could try to be just a little bit normal-er, maybe i wouldn’t be ignored by every person every day. That didn’t work. Instead, i decided to do some self work. Or rather, my dad stopped intruding on my free time which allowed me to still be awake and do things i wanted to do in peace. I thought, “Dan and Phil….those two emo guys with the cat whiskers….i have such a vague memory of a friend mentioning them or scrolling across a post of them, who even are they?”. I typed into the YouTube search bar “Dan and Phil”. A gaming channel? Are these people streamers? Oh god (i did not know you were one of us 🏳️‍🌈….or british��..). I watched one video. Now, ACCORDING TO YOUTUBE HISTORY, i somehow watched What Dan And Phil Text Each Other 4 as my first video. Not even the gaming channel, i don’t know how this happened maybe YouTube is lying to me. Whatever. Ok so which ones Dan and which ones Phil? Why do they look SO different? They’re British? I started watching Dan and Phil edits on TikTok. Ok, i know who you are, i get the vibes. Oh, coming out timeline? Gaming channel timeline and hiatus? Reacting to PINOF? On March 13, i watched Basically I’m Gay and Coming Out To You. It took me an entire month from then to watch Why I Quit YouTube. By late April, i was in it. I was watching Dan or Phil every day. Before, during, and/or after school. Since then, I’ve purchased YWGTTN (limited edition signed updated paperback). It was 38 fucking dollars in USD but it was worth it. I also now own TATINOF and DAPGO, one of which is signed by Phil, i bought second hand. So yes, now this is my new thing. But you know what else? I was getting happier. I was going to more concerts. I was doing my schoolwork, or at least trying to. I was reading!!!! I’ve since finished The Secret History. I made a friend; reconnected with an old childhood friend and started eating lunch together and hanging out and having shared trauma dump sessions, and we are so so close now. My two friends broke up, but it’s ok. I’m best friends with one of them and he’s so much better off, and the other and i are still casual friends!! I value them both for the multiple years I’ve known them. I’ve taken family vacations and done religious holidays with genuine care while getting to reconnect with my family. I’ve very passionately finished acting in a musical that I’ve put so much care into for about 5 months. I’m graduating tomorrow!!! And me and my close friend will be going to a concert tomorrow night afterwards, and I’m going to have a great summer where i see my close friend who i haven’t seen IRL since March of 2023. I’m getting closer with my dad and seeing a new therapist. I am having medical problems as of right now, but i would 100% be lying in bed crying and skipping graduation had i not found a reason to enjoy my days.

Did i just take one sentence referencing Dan to write a whole autobiography on tumblr? Yes, but also no. Dan and Phil are real people. They really do rescue pigeons named Steve and getting 10 sauces for their pizza and say hi across the city with binoculars. But they also genuinely have an impact on people, and they see that, and they LIKE to see that. I don’t think Dan will see this post. But I’m making it anyway. For me.

I love Dan so much. I cried twice while watching We’re All Doomed in my kitchen. I have actively watched Dan and Phil videos while crying at school. Once, in my bedroom, i was having a panic attack. I had an overwhelming rush of thoughts around 10 or 11 at night about how worthless i am and how terrible everything was going. I opened my tiktok, and there was THE edit that saved me. It was a video of fetus Dan on YouNow talking about his dream home. And then it was cutting back and forth to the Phouse. Then, Dans hopeful monologue in Basically I’m Gay. Finally, Dans hopeful monologue in We’re All Doomed. All of this in a softly shaky screen with sad music behind it. I cried a lot. This aspect of my life means so much to me. I think about the Halloween 2023 baking video at least 5 times a day (and sister Daniel’s….uhm….legs…). I am still so mad i did not buy the satanic Craft shirts. I just rewatched Dans interview last year with Anthony Padilla just because of how goddamn much I’m obsessed with that angle of Dan with his cute chin and cheeks and fucking dimple. I think about Dans bluntness in his defined-self and truly feel inspired to be like him. I look at his change over the years, his comfortability in his body, seeing that his face and neck are shaped like my face and neck, and he’s fucking beautiful. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable in my weight if not for Dan Howell, and i mean that so insanely sincerely. I read Dans book whenever I’m feeling hopeless and need a soft sexy British man to tell me the scientific reasoning behind why i feel this way and to assure me he’s felt worse. I’m so serious when i say i cannot imagine a day of my life without Dan and Phil. I truly don’t understand how i lived before or how I’d expect to live without it. “Live”, in the sense of find a way of life, not as in “stay alive.” I can’t imagine a day without those big brown boba eyes and that cute dimple and mainly that calming voice that reminds me someone else has felt this way. That reminds me love is possible. That reminds me i have so much ahead of me, so much life and love and joy.

Phil’s birthday stream may be my favorite piece of Dan and Phil media, or at least one of them. I find it so comforting and wholesome and beautiful and hilarious. I have such high hopes for Dans birthday stream. Until then, I’ll be working on my long-awaited (still very very unfinished) 2009!Dan and Phil art piece within my art initiative (pinned on my profile) (just for funsies, no money or anything involved). I’m going to sit there at 3pm (my time) and watch with a huge smile on my face to see my amazing dads spend the time of their lives being sexy and old and happy and disgustingly homosexual while i just embrace all you’ve done for me.

Happy birthday Dan

@danielhowell

[jamespotterismydaddy]

Thicker Than Blood (Aemond X OC) Chapter 7

A/N: ouuu lovers quarrel

word count: 1,009 words

Last part

I sneak out of my chambers to head to the gardens, wrapped in only a cloak to cover my nightgown. It’s late, very late and this is the only time I could slip out unnoticed because my guards are switching shifts. I haven’t been able to sleep the past few nights, too focused on the strife between my family. Mother almost took us back to Dragonstone a few days ago but I only just managed to convince her that we should stay. I don’t even know why I want to stay. I miss Dragonstone and it most definitely isn’t because of him. Just thinking of the name Aemond Targaryen makes my blood boil. Things were going to be better, even good and he ruined it. He defiled our name, reduced us to that one word that haunts me at night, that follows like an inescapable shadow. Bastard.

I sit down under the trellis that I like. I’ve always felt that it was my own secret nook, a hidden gem of sorts. I lean against it and I can feel the greenery against my cloak. I admire the climbing vines. It’s peaceful here, untainted by duty.

“I thought i’d find you out here.” 

He taints it.

“You’re ruining my respite. Leave.” I say to him sharply.

“You always appreciated it when I came to find you out here when we were younger. You would practically lead me to you.” His tone is haughty. It makes me defensive.

“That was then.” I pause for a moment. “You aren’t the same boy you once were.” I know that my words will hurt him.

“I’m sorry that your brother gouging my eye out has caused me to grow bitter.” He says resentfully. He walks over to stand in front of me.

“You ruined dinner. Everything was so close to being fixed. We almost went home, Aemond.” My voice raises as I look up at him and eyes meet for the first time tonight.

“I didn’t start it. You know I didn’t.” He gives me a look like he’s trying to make me see the truth.

“My brothers were being amiable.” I defend.

“You saw how he laughed.” Aemond speaks. He doesn’t have to clarify for me to understand what he means.

“He’s just a stupid boy.” I try to justify.

“Yes and i’m sure his actions were all without malice.” He responds sarcastically.

“He’s not some devil child. You’re the one who is at fault here.” I say angrily, my voice raising as I speak.

“I am not at fault. Jacaerys is the one who got violent.” He says like he’s painting himself as some innocent angel.

“Because you called us bastards!” I nearly shout at him. I feel my anger boiling over.

“Did I? I don’t recall that part of the evening.” He says and I hate how he plays dumb.

“Will you stand here and tell me that the word ‘strong’ had no other insinuations behind it?” He must be able to see it on my face now, how much this all upsets me.

He cringes. “I wasn’t saying it to you.” The explanation is a weak defence.

“Did you truly think I wouldn’t take you calling my brothers bastards as an insult? That comment automatically extends to me.” I know he already knows this. Perhaps he was hoping I was too stupid to understand. The thought of it only makes me more angry.

“I spent the entirety of my childhood being the target of their jokes. You must understand that it wasn’t my intent to hurt you along with them.” He says, trying to convince me to understand.

“Then why couldn’t you have said something else? Those words are more than dangerous when you are speaking them about the future king. You only wished to cut my brothers as deeply as you could. You couldn’t have cared about hurting me otherwise you never would have said it.” I can see that my words ring true to him.

“I lost my temper.” He says simply. As if that could ever be enough for me to forgive him.

“Because a little boy, three years younger than you, laughed?” There's a bite in my words. I never thought i’d want to humiliate him like the way I do right now.

“How dare you speak to me like this?” He speaks but has nothing of value left to say.

So there’s no clever retort for the first time in his life?

“What is it going to be then? You’re my uncle and I should respect you or i’m a woman and I should shut my mouth?” I snap at him.

He clenches his teeth, looking more pissed off than i’ve ever seen him. “I wasn’t going to say either of those things.”

I smirk condescendingly. “Liar.” I dust off my dress as I stand. “Since my personal time has been so rudely interrupted, I think i’ll be heading back to my chambers. No need to escort me back.” I begin to walk away.

“I wasn’t going to offer.” I hear him grumble under his breath like a sulking child.

When I make it back to my chambers, I begin rummaging through my drawer until I find the gifts he had given me. I pull out the sapphire necklace.

“Myra?” I call out. “I would like to be readied for bed.” I tell her as she walks in and she gives me a little nod before picking up my hairbrush. I hold up my necklace so she can see. “Do you like this?” I ask her.

“Yes, my princess. It’s very beautiful. It is new?” She inquires tentatively. 

“Yes, a gift… from Aemond.” I say like it’s unimportant. 

“A very generous gift. Most would expect a courting announcement soon.” My spine straightens when I hear her say it. I didn’t realize until now.

He was going to court me? I brush the thought off, deciding that he was just toying with me.

“No.” I say with a tone of finality. “You will wear it tomorrow.”

taglist (comment to be added):

General: @valeskafics @urmomsgirlfriend1 @girlwith-thepearlearring @darylandbethfanforever9 @lovellies @juhdoche @papichulo120627 @watercolorskyy

Thicker than blood: @bellameshipper @g-cf2020 @lady-of-winterfell @s-we-e-t-t-ea

[mdni]

life is funny because you can be experiencing the most heart cracking life destroying despair you’ve ever felt in your life and the literal one guy who caused it is just like 🤷‍♂️ and you’re supposed to just feel okay with that however i also fully grasp that i am simply a piece of shit with no real value and that if anything i’m more of a burden than anything else so if i was dating me i would also want out and i would also be like phew god glad i got that stupid fuck out of my life . i always knew i was unlovable and im not sure why i allowed myself to think things would be any different but thats always my downfall i always just keep hanging on. keep hanging on. it’ll get better they say. you’ll find the one they say. yeah well fuck i did find the one so keep talking please i’d like any excuse just to break a jaw right now

[rphelperblog]

Stalking Jack the ripper book quote rp meme

book series by Kerri Maniscalco - feel free to change or edit change pronouns for rp purposes

“Roses have both petals and thorns, my dark flower. You needn’t believe something weak because it appears delicate. Show the world your bravery.”

“I think you’ve broken one of my ribs. Was that really necessary? Next time you tackle me, be sure it’s in one of our bedchambers.”

“Everyone deserved to live freely and in honor of themselves. A basic right should not be a luxury.”

“She’s the muscle. I’m clearly the charm.”

“Curiosity was a disease that plagued me, and I'd yet to find a cure.”

“Hearts were beautifully fierce yet fragile things.”

“One fact was slowly taking shape: I was in jeopardy of admiring him against my better judgment.”

“If you can dream without limits, you can soar to great heights. Let the magic of your imagination set you free.”

“No matter how much death and horror existed, there were still things of beauty left to find.”

“You’re both so intelligent in matters involving the mind, but the heart? It’s as if beings from other galaxies are puzzling out fried potatoes.”

“Sometimes you need to stand out in order to blend in.”

“Life was beautiful even during the darkest hours.”

“Mistakes were a learning experience, not the end of the universe.”

“Monsters were supposed to be scary and ugly. They weren't supposed to hide behind friendly smiles and well-trimmed hair.”

“What is a man's soul made of that a woman's is not?”

“Diamonds were everything I hoped to be; beautiful, yet containing unimaginable strength.”

“The world is neither kind nor is it cruel. It simply exists. We have the ability to view it however we choose.”

“Our hearts are curious things. So sentimental and easily misguided. Pull the right strings or snap the correct cords, and poof!”

“Most stories are too good to be true. That's what makes them enchanting.”

“Magic is science. It’s simply a fancier term for showing people the impossible is attainable.”

“Let's play act a murder,”

“I’d like to see you carry on with a corset digging its bones into your rib cage, and manage a skirt still covering most of your breeches and whipping around your thighs in this wind.”

“Always foster and grow that unquenchable curiosity of yours."

“Perhaps you should comment on the excellent cut of my suit. I look rather handsome today as well. Don’t you think?”

“Pretend I am as capable as a man? Please, sir, do not value me so little!”

“Passion and annoyance were fire, and fire was alive and crackling with power.”

“I wondered how I could appear so whole and serene on the outside when inside I was thrashing with turbulence.”

“Do not turn your back on a love that could jump the barrier between life and death.”

How exceptionally wonderful for him. I wished them both a lifetime of misery with ill-mannered children. I swallowed my annoyance down and plastered on a smile. “

“Pretending a monster wasn't there didn't make it go away. It only made one vulnerable to its attack.”

“Let’s have some wine and dance inappropriately. You’ve already dressed the part for me—let’s take advantage.”

“For there are no limits to the stars; their numbers are infinite. Which is precisely why I measure my love for you by them. An amount too boundless to count.”

“Love strangles intelligence, even in the best of us.”

“Humans were the true monsters and villains, more real than any novel or fantasy could invent.”

“Monsters were in the eye of the beholder. And no one wanted to discover their hero was the true villain of the story.”

“I refuse to believe you've misinterpreted my affections. I am wholly in love with you. And it is permanent.”

“Monsters are only as real as the stories that grant them life. And they only live for as long as we tell those tales.”

“You are yours to give.”

“I’ve already fallen hard. Perhaps you should have warned me sooner.”

Most people ignore what’s right before their eyes. They believe they see, but oftentimes only view what they want

“Those who deserve respect are given it freely. If one must demand such a thing, he'll never truly command it.”

“There’s nothing better than a little danger dashed with some romance.”

“Fear is a hungry beast. The more you feed it, the more it grows.”

“I love you... More than all the stars in the universe. In this life and ever after. I love you.”

“Wield your assets like a blade. No man has invented a corset for our brains. Let them think they rule the world. It’s a queen who sits on that throne. Never forget that.”

“The dead speak to those who listen. Be quieter than even them.”

“Some ghosts should remain good and buried,”

“Seeing the truth was never easy, especially when it revealed those closest to us could be monsters hidden in plain sight.”

“People were always providing in death what they would not do in life, it seemed.”

“Someone screamed; perhaps it was me. Though it would have made me happier if it were him.”

“Death was not prejudiced by mortal things such as station or gender. It came for kings and queens and prostitutes alike, often leaving the living with regrets.”

So there will be no children or any beautiful paradise in our future. Most of the time I cannot even tolerate his presence. His arrogance is… I don’t know. Annoying.”

Your association with me is growing more beneficial by the hour. Your intelligence is quite… attractive,”

“Sit here and I’ll rock you gently until you or I or both fall asleep.”

“Why don’t you talk to me about what’s really troubling you? What emotional dilemma needs sorting out?”

No man has invented a corset for our brains. Let them think they rule the world. It’s a queen who sits on that throne. Never forget that. There’s no reason you can’t wear a simple frock to work, then don the finest gown and dance the night away. But only if it pleases you.”

“I needed no man to empower me. I had my father to thank for that much; his absence in most everyday things had prepared me well enough to stand on my own.”

“Whenever I scared him, he turned into some foreign person. One who was both frightening and frightened at once.”

“One needn’t be strong in only physical matters—a strong mind and will were fierce to behold as well. “

“Most people ignore what's right before their eyes. They believe they see, but oftentimes only view what they want.”

“If you wish to go, I’ll never make you stay. I might not do and say the proper thing all the time, but I do know that I love you enough to set you free.”

“We women could be called creatures, if only the men who said such careless words accepted our claws were fearsome things when we decided to scratch.”

[notwantedonthemoon]

I gave Lucy and Ham a design update! Originally I only wanted to do Ham but Lucy barged into the room and no one can make her leave.

Design notes:

• I really was not satisfied with their original colour schemes. I know that Lucy was described as wearing a rose-coloured gown but she’s so purple in my head. • And Ham should be more red. He’s associated with red in the novel (and his brothers with yellow and blue- they’re the primary colour brothers) and that image of Misa Amane in the top left corner was my original reference for him, but he simply doesn’t look right to me unless he looks like a walking Valentine’s Day card. Misa Amane’s picture got to stay because a). I love her and b). I’m gonna talk about her later. • His hair also had to change- I’m probably going to redo Hannah at some point. I was thinking of saving Ham’s original reddish brown colour for Hannah instead, and I don’t want them to look too similar. So now his hair looks like a fox- which is fitting for his character and also very funny because his wife is terrified of foxes. • Don’t ask how the darker ends work without hair dye, we’re going off cartoon logic here. • I am now certain that Lucy’s height exists solely to torment me whenever I want to draw her next to someone else. I was in tears drawing this, wondering why Findley couldn’t have been happy with a six foot tall angel. • Lucy is seven foot five. I have no idea if I drew her tall enough or if I ever will.

The part where Misa Amane is relevant

• Ham’s character felt like he was being set up for a much more important role than he actually got, and I was waiting for a twist or a character arc or something, but it never happened. This guy is determined to stay irrelevant forever. I saw a source somewhere describe Ham as less of a character and more of an excuse to introduce Lucy. It cracked me up so I had to include it in here. • Just to be clear: I do like Ham as is. He’s an entertaining and also very heartfelt character- one of his defining traits is just, ‘Loves Things A Lot’ (kinda reminds me of Pat of Silver Bush- everyone go read Pat of Silver Bush that book is fantastic). • But also: he could have been better. His character got 10 times more likeable to me when I realized that he kind of resembles Misa Amane from Death Note, so by that logic he’d be a better character if you just make him more like Misa Amane from Death Note. • Also: I only ever watched the Death Note musical and I know next to nothing about the anime. But I heard that Misa is pretty annoying in the anime? Shame. • The parallels are already there. Both characters have complicated relationships with death- Ham’s first action in the book is being forced to kill a lamb, Misa’s entire family got murdered- and then cheating death somehow; Ham spent his childhood nearly dying of like, plague or whatever, and a death god sacrificed his life to extend Misa’s time on Earth. They’re both characterized as being incredibly loving, with Ham defined by his “love of life so great that he could not bear to kill” and Misa being defined by her love for her family that drove her to pledge her loyalty and give away half her life to their unknowing avenger.

• If I were writing Ham I’d establish him as a character who is deeply loyal- to his family and to his values. He thought that that loyalty had to extend to his father be default- they’re family, despite their very very tense relationship. The sacrifice at the start of book one made him do an immediate 180 on that, and it was why he was so willing to throw his oar in completely with Lucy. • That 180 turn was motivated by an unbelievable amount of pent up rage and spite. In terms of general ideals I’d say Ham is pretty traditional and goes along with whatever’s popular because it causes less problems for him- the only principles he sticks firmly to are his scientific ones. He’s not like Lucy, who knows what she believes in and fights for it- him opposing Doctor Noyes is an emotional, reactionary decision, not based off of any deeper principles (other than the no-killing one) or self-reflection about his existing worldviews. • A lot of his development will be directly tied to Lucy, since she’s the more significant character out of the two. And being with Lucy would make him much more willing to make impulsive decisions; which actually isn’t very far from canon, Ham is pretty impulsive. When I first got to the two-day-engagement part of the book I was convinced that a love potion had to be involved somewhere, because I couldn’t wrap my head around the designated ‘logical scientist character’ making such a reckless decision. But then I got further into the book and Ham… runs into a burning building. Keeps on fumbling conversations by blurting out his opinion and immediately regretting it. So… he’s kind of just like that. That lines up. • For a scientist character he’s very emotional- which I like a lot! It’s a nice change of pace. Being a scientist doesn’t automatically make you more rational and reasonable than anyone else. Sometimes you can be a really good scientist and still have the emotional intelligence of a sea sponge. Ham strikes me as someone who doesn’t really ‘get’ emotions because he can’t logic his way through them like with most of the stuff he studies, so he ignores them until they explode ‘completely out of nowhere’. My conclusion here is that someone should hand him a book on mindfulness. • (The real question is why Lucy was down for the two-day-engagement; it’s not to survive the flood. She and Ham were engaged before Yaweh came up with the flood plan.)

• All this is setting Ham up as Lucy’s eventual closest ally and the most fiercely loyal friend she could ever ask for. He thinks the world of her and would do just about anything for her… but he wouldn’t kill for her. That’s a line he crossed once and wouldn’t ever again.

• And Lucy loves him. Of course she does. But sometimes she wonders if her friend’s loyalty is anything like her brother’s blind devotion to Yaweh. She doesn’t like that thought.

• In the novel their relationship is largely just. Very lacklustre, with no development or indication that they really care about each other. But since they’re such a blank slate I can do whatever I want with them, and what I want is Lucy the revolutionary and her aggressively supportive science bestie. • I like to think that Ham and Lucy’s relationship would be best described as a queerplatonic relationship- though they wouldn’t have the vocabulary to describe that exactly. I know that they’re married but… they really don’t have any romantic chemistry. I’m sorry to anyone who thinks that they make a good couple (if you exist. At all) but I simply do not see it.

• (If someone does have an interpretation of their relationship that is romantic I would absolutely love to see it. If someone has anything to say at all about this book I would love to see it.)

[flagellant]

hey genuinely thank you for giving a fuck. many many people have simply stopped giving fucks for many reasons but you have not. plz don't let the shitbags get you down.

Something I've written about, in the past:

The past year has been about understanding who I am when my back isn’t against the wall. In some ways it’s more terrifying, having the responsibility of making a good life for myself from good foundations. But I remember with every second what it was like to live a life without the luck I’ve been given, and I see the people that get denied it every day. If anger is powerful, I want to use that anger. I want to wield it and make something so angry that everybody will be angry with me. An anger in a single direction, with one edge like a knife, to cut the world down the middle and into a better shape, and hand it to everyone like halves of an orange. I only have two hands to make any piece of art with, and I will only ever have (at most, at my most fortunate) two hands. But I don’t stand alone in being angry at this cruel, foolish world, the one which looks at children and teaches them “You are not worth anything, you have no value or sanctity just because you are human,” and laughs and calls us childish when we say we deserve better than that.

Because that’s the most formative thing about me of all. The selfish, bitter dregs of feeling hurt and betrayed by the world. The incredibly egotistical idea, “I deserved a better world”. Look at my past self and all of the cruel, flailing, foolish things I did–some on purpose, some not, all causing harm anyway–and think about what I could do about it.

I think that, on one hand, yes. I deserved better, objectively. There are things in my narrative that no one deserves the agony of. Beyond that, perhaps I deserved better circumstances.

But I think it doesn’t matter what I deserved in the past, good or bad. What matters more to me is not making the same mistakes in the future. I can’t allow myself to resent the people around me for being maybe a little bit more lucky than I was; there’s art to be made that could change the world. All of it is made out of anger. All of my past, all of my future, it can only ever be anger. Anger that creates, anger that cuts, anger that hardens, anger that stands in front of other people and walks the line for them.

Anger that stands in front of other people and walks the line for them. I’d almost like that to be the narrative I make for myself. To make a world in which I can say that the events that formed me most are not the ones which hardened me like lava to obsidian, proud like a boar. Instead, a world where I met its hard edges as gentle as I dared. You may have wondered why I sounded so different in the poems I write than the person I am, and the truth is almost simple.

I learned to write poetry to put to words all the things that I feel which I’m unable to understand or say. That’s the narrative I’ve been trying hard to tell you all, all this time, the one I want to write so badly and yet have no idea how to.

Writing about anger is so easy for me, except for that one kind, because I can never talk about it except in poems. It lives in me somewhere deeper than anything else, deeper than my heart, deeper than my soul. It can only come out in art, not in words. That anger lives in my belly and it growls like a great black dog every time it thinks it sees someone being hurt. I think that says the most about me that I’ll ever be able to say.

[zenmastercharles]

Conceptualizing Upgraded Powers for Every Miraculous

What’s up BITCHES🗣️‼️

…i’m sorry guys, I shouldn’t have called you bitches.

The concept of evolving powers in Miraculous Ladybug has raised some…interesting questions. When Ladybug basically said “fuck you, I do what I want” and made herself a new power, it confused a lot of us. And when Shadowmoth did the same goddamn thing, we were just kind of tired of it. The unspecific and wishy washy circumstances around upgrading a Miraculous user’s powers has inspired many people in the fanbase to make up their own headcanons for it, improving on the power that we were given and also conceptualizing upgrades for other users. 

Well, in this post, I’m gonna do the same thing….

For every goddamn Miraculous we see in this show

Am I crazy? Yes. Do I even have the time to do all of this? No.  Am I going to obsess over this for days on end instead of doing what I actually need to do? Absolutely.

To explain what exactly I’m doing here, instead of looking into the animals each Miraculous is based on, I’m purely going to draw concepts from the, well, concept the kwami embodies. That means I’m going to find a new power for Creation, Destruction, Transmission, Emotion, Illusion, Protection, Subjection (fuck Action, all my homies hate Action), Evolution, Intuition, Migration, Derision, Perfection, Jubilation, Inflatio-nah I’m just fuckin’ with you, Exaltation, Multiplication, Pretension, Passion, Determination, and Adoration.

Okay so maybe I lied about every Miraculous being in here since I’m ignoring the Eagle, but I’d rather wait until more Miraculouses from the NA Box get explored. Some of these are going to be easier than others, and some of these are going to be the bane of my existence, lookin’ at you Derision (which is oddly fitting). I’m gonna try my hardest not to make these upgrades OP. Now, without further ado, let’s do this.

🐞LADYBUG MIRACULOUS🐞

“Oh, Ladybug already got an upgra-” Well that upgrade was ASS, so we’re giving her a better one. When thinking of a new power for the Ladybug Miraculous, it was pretty damn difficult. I mean, Creation is a concept that’s so broad yet so specific. You have so many options yet no options at the same time. I was caught in a bit of a strange conundrum. So, in my desperate time of need, I turned to a friend that’s been helping me with shit like this since I first started writing.  My all-knowing buddy,

🪽𝒮𝓊𝓅𝓮𝓇𝓅𝓸𝓌𝓮𝓇 𝒲𝒾𝓀𝒾🪽

When I went to this site, I did what anyone would do and simply searched up Creation to see what I found. And I found a lot, a lot that could become too busted too fast. I had a few ideas at first, my first idea after going to this page was a literal goddamn domain expansion, that being Ladybug projecting her will in the form of a pocket dimension where her imagination reigns supreme. My second idea was something I would’ve called Power Plant, basically Ladybug’s spots glow and she can generate blasts of pure Big Bang energy, which again, is busted. 

Eventually, I found something that interested me and that’s Transmutation. Y’know, Alchemy from FMA? Yeah, that. It’s basically transforming one thing into another thing of equal value. And that, my friends, falls under Creation. Because you’re basically breaking something and using the parts to create something new. So, I’m guessing you can see where I’m going with this, right?

Ladybug’s new upgraded power is Overhaul, an ability that allows her to transform an inanimate object into an object of equal weight and density. So she can take a vase and transform it into an ax, but that ax is gonna be the same weight and density of the vase…and it’s gonna be made out of glass.

…holy shit, I just realized that’s an MHA reference, I legit didn’t even mean tha-

🐈‍⬛BLACK CAT MIRACULOUS🐈‍

Another upgrade that I came up with thanks to the help of with the help of my dear friend,

🪽𝒮𝓊𝓅𝓮𝓇𝓅𝓸𝓌𝓮𝓇 𝒲𝒾𝓀𝒾🪽

I am of the opinion that Chat Noir got absolutely shitted out of a new power in Season 5. You’re telling me you had Adrien go through all that bullshit that season and you couldn’t have at least given him some new razzle-dazzle to pay it off? Boosh.

Anyway, this one was actually fairly easier since Destruction isn’t really that broad a concept. I mean, you’re destroying shit, how complicated can it be? So, with Creation, I wanted to think about how Ladybug was creating something, but with Destruction, I want to focus on what Chat Noir’s destroying.

I went through some ideas before I came to a conclusion, Chat Noir being able to destroy someone’s soul to incapacitate them, him being able to destroy someone’s mental boundaries and what not. For the longest time I had the idea in my head that Chat Noir could maybe destroy an aspect of something, like maybe he could just destroy the color in an object and turn it completely gray. However, I feel that’s a bit more…situational. But, I eventually had a definitive idea. You know what falls under Destruction? Division.

“Wha-how does Division fall under Destruction?” You might ask, and that’s simple, division is destroying the bond that keeps multiple things whole, forcefully separating them. For example, if you have a lobster and you tear off it’s claw you have to destroy the shell to get to the meat inside. You’re dividing the shell from the meat by destroying the shell. (I’m fully aware that you didn’t need that explanation but I just watched the episode of Young Sheldon where George taught Missy how to crack a lobster and I’m still not over it)

So, Chat Noir’s new power is Hissection, it allows him to forcefully separate one thing from another by basically touching it and pulling that bitch out. He could use it on an akuma’s object and literally rip the akuma out of it without damaging the object. Or, if he’s getting really morbid, he could rip someone’s skeletal structure out of their body and just watch them fall down like ol jelly bones. He obviously wouldn’t do that, but still.

I have the perfect scenario for this power to develop too, Monarch finds out that Adrien is Chat Noir and tries to use the ring to get him to come to his side since Adrien’s a sentimonster, only for Chat Noir to use this power to separate himself from the Peacock Miraculous and wedding rings, granting himself his own sentience. Isn’t that just raw as hell?

🦋BUTTERFLY MIRACULOUS🦋

I’m gonna call Gabriel Hawkmoth for this section because I refuse to keep up with his new names. Hawk Moth has already got a kind-of upgrade with “Megakumas”. However, Megakumas are just boosh. They’re basically ‘akumas but stronger’. So I’ll be coming up with a new one just how I did with Ladybug. 

Now, the butterfly is connected to the concept of Transmission which I was having a hard time with because my stupid ass brain only thought of Transmission as “broadcasting TV/telekinetic signals”. That’s the reason I changed it to “Transformation” in one of my fics. However, one quick trip to le dictionary corrected me. Now I know that Transmission is the act of transferring something from one place to another. THAT’S why he can do that fuckin’ butterfly head thing…well my version doesn’t make sense anymore.

I really only have one idea for this and I find it perfect. Y’know how akumas transmit powers to akumatized victims right? Well, what if the butterfly user could transmit themselves?

Hawkmoth’s new power is Swarm Shadow, it allows him to break his corporeal form into a swarm of butterflies, allowing him to blast across large distances in a reduced timeframe and re-materialize. It’s basically teleportation with extra steps. 

I always thought him being able to do that in Volpina was cool as hell and I wished canon came up with a way to incorporate that someday…they didn’t.

🦚PEACOCK MIRACULOUS🦚

This one is gonna be a bit shorter because I pretty much got a great idea the moment I thought about it for more than three seconds. The Peacock is the Miraculous of Emotion, right? Well, what better upgrade would there be than, well, controlling emotions?

Argos’ new power is Vehementor, it allows him to subtly or blatantly influence a person’s emotions, he can push positive or negative emotions onto someone, or soften certain emotions to calm someone down. Someone with a stronger will could of course resist this. 

I used Argos instead of Mayura because we clearly aren’t seeing her again for a while. 

🦊FOX MIRACULOUS🦊

Now THIS one is harder. The Fox Miraculous is one of Illusion, which is a power that’s so straight-forward that it’s hard to think of anything to add to it without dipping into other domains. At one point, I thought of giving Rena a memory-based power, maybe the ability to take people’s memories and project them in the form of illusions, but that seemed like it was a bit situational in nature.

Eventually, I did come up with something. Imagine an illusion so advanced that it covered you at all times and that you could alter at will. You can make yourself invisible by forcing the illusion to mimic your surroundings, you could make it look like you’re teleporting by disappearing and reappearing behind people in puffs of orange smoke, you could make yourself look like someone else, you could make someone think you’re a shapeshifter, pretty much anything! 

So, Rena Rouge’s new power is Outfox, it allows her to manifest an illusion that’s connected to her brain and can react to her brain activity, twisting, shaping, and altering itself to whatever Rena can think of. She’ll definitely need to focus to keep pulling this off, or else the illusion would go haywire and out of her control, but it could still be pretty damn cool.

🐢TURTLE MIRACULOUS🐢

The Turtle Miraculous is one of Protection, which sounds like it would be difficult to come up for something with. I always felt that when coming up with new powers for the Turtle, other fan-creators did some that just…didn’t feel right to me. They just didn’t focus on the ‘protection’ part enough for me to feel like it made sense. My first idea for this was to give Carapace the ability to shape his shields into other stuff, and while I do think that would make for a good sub-power, it wouldn’t really fit for what I’m going for.

But then, I came up with something I like. Do you remember Metal Mario? It’s a powerup from, well, Mario, that gave him a thin coating of metal that enhanced his durability and strength. I’m going to give Nino something similar to that.

Carapace’s new power is Fortify, it allows him to create a forcefield that’s shaped around his body, allowing him to run around tanking attacks left and right. It also increases his physical strength, however, a downside is that he experiences a slight decrease in speed and agility. 

(Yes, I gave him and Rena similar powers intentionally, DJWifi is one of my favorite relationships, let me be)

🐝BEE MIRACULOUS🐝

Subjection! 

“Wait, isn’t it Action no-” SUBJECTION!

Subjection is an easy one. Subjection basically means ‘bringing something under your control’. So what better power for this one than mind control?

Queen Bee’s new upgraded power is Hive Mind, it allows her to stick someone with her trompo and bring them under her control, forcing them to do whatever she wants.

Notice how I said ‘Queen Bee’? Don’t worry Vesperia fans, I’m one of you, and I’m not leaving her out. In fact, I’m giving her a completely separate power upgrade. While Chloe would have no problem mind controlling someone, Zoe would likely find the concept…icky.  So, we’ll have to find something new for her. At first I wanted to give her the ability to control plants, because one, putting plants under subjection and two, bee, but that felt unoriginal. So, what did I go with? Something also unoriginal. Because what’s better than enacting subjection? Reversing it.

Vesperia’s new upgraded power is Layoff, it allows her to reverse low-level subjection, if someone else has you mind controlled, Vesperia can reverse that shit easy. Yes, it’s basically Bee Balm from Scarlet Lady (zoe please don’t sue me).

…ugh, fine, if I did consider the concept of Action, then the power would be Comb-Up, it would allow the user to drain the momentum from an object with the tip of the trompo to such a point that the object just completely freezes mid-air.

🐰RABBIT MIRACULOUS🐰

We’ve got the main 7 out of the way, let’s get onto the time-hopping Miraculous itself, the Miraculous of Evolution. I have mixed feelings on the linking of Evolution to the Time Miraculous because, like, I get it…but like, it doesn’t match all that well. I mean, Duration was right there if you really wanted something time-related. It doesn’t make that much more sense than Evolution, but it’s closer.

Now, at first, I focused a little too much on the time aspect, I thought of stealing time from someone else to slow them down DC style, I thought of enhancing her own time to speed herself up, I even thought of a power that’s actually going to the next Miraculous on the chopping block. But, I eventually got back to Evolution, and thought about what it means to evolve. And I came up with something pretty cool. What if Bunnyx could evolve objects?

Bunnyx’s new power is Rush Job, it allows her to harness a small percentage of chronokinetic energies and apply it to an object to evolve it, bringing it to a higher level. For example, you got a car? Do you want it to fly? BOOM! Rush Job! Now your car has jets and wings….I feel like I haven’t explained it well enough.

The weakness of this one would be, I guess, when it evolves it looses one of it’s best features from when it pre-evolved. Like, going back to the car, yeah it has jets now but there’s not a steering wheel anymore, just a steering mechanism that’s hella hard to get down. Also it wears off fast.

🐍SNAKE MIRACULOUS🐍

Ah, the Miraculous of the Snake, or as I like to call it, the one that basically lets you go “nuh-uh”. Intuition is a simple concept to get down, basically you’re super aware and have good instincts. This is also another wibbly wobbly time Miraculous, it and the Rabbit take turns making each other insignificant. This one was actually pretty easy for me, as I already had this power in mind for the snake for months now. 

Viperion’s new power is Scale Factor, it allows him to peer through time to view the possible outcomes of each action they take, and adjust for certain happenings. He would have to focus hard, but I feel that shouldn’t be hard for Luka.

🐴HORSE MIRACULOUS🐴

Bit of a detour, but the Horse Miraculous’ power doesn’t make sense to me, mostly because it’s a huge wasted opportunity. The concept is Migration, and that’s basically moving from one direction to another. And what are horses known for? Running! So the obvious conclusion for the Horse’s power is PORTALS! I’m gonna give the Horse the power I think it should’ve had in the first place.

Pegasus’ new power is Steed, it allows him to sprint at incredible speeds, becoming a light green blur (same color as the portals). 

🐒MONKEY MIRACULOUS🐒

This one…this one was the death of me. Because what the fuck is ‘Derision’? I didn’t even know that was a word before Thomas decided to pull it out of his ass and slap it onto the table. Apparently is means, “contemptuous ridicule or mockery”. So basically, magic bullying. Now, how do I find another application of this? Credit where credit’s due, Uproar is kinda perfect for the concept of Derision. Basically making your opponent the laughing stock by disrupting their power. After a few hours, I finally got it. What if your power made you the laughing stock.

What if you’re the jester, the joker, the one who made people laugh, whether they like it or not?

Roi Singe’s new power is Quip King, it allows him to tell a joke so bad, a joke so cringe, a joke so unbelievably garbage, that anyone who hears it laughs at him. Forcibly. And they can’t stop. It’s basically Joker Venom but WAY less lethal. Can’t exactly threaten the city while your ribs are quaking.

🐲DRAGON MIRACULOUS🐲 

Okay, Derision was the death of me, this buried me underground. This time, I knew what Perfection was, I just don’t know how that connects to the animal or the power. I mean, Ryuko has weather powers. The fuck does that have to do with Perfection? I mean, if you wanted her to have weather powers that bad, Precipitation was right there. 

Anyways, finding something to do with Perfection that still looped in with it’s main power was very hard…so I just didn't. I straight up forgot about the ‘Storm Dragon’ powers and focused completely on Perfection. Perfection means, well, making things perfect, so I thought of something like a stat booster, making the user a living unit of strength, speed, durability, and stamina. I realized that, one, that would be way too busted, and two, it would overshadow the turtle’s new power. I eventually came up with something different though.

Ryuko’s new power is Omni-Tongue, it allows her to understand and speak all existing languages, including ancient or fictional languages. It’s kind of situational but honestly, the Dragon is already one of the most busted of the Chinese Box, it doesn’t need another super flashy power. 

🐷PIG MIRACULOUS🐷

Ah yes, the Miraculous quite literally designed for Rose. It’s the Miraculous of Jubilation, meaning the feeling of great happiness or triumph. I’m sure you’re thinking “Zen Master Charles, how the hell are you gonna find another application of this.” Quiet, dear reader, as I know how to do this. I didn’t really have any other ideas for this one since the answer was pretty clear cut.

Pigella’s new power is Peace Out, it overloads whoever she hits with her tambourine with so much positive emotion that they can’t do anything else but frolic around and enjoy the world’s beauty.

🐯TIGER MIRACULOUS🐯

What the fuck is ‘exaltation’?

“Actually, the concept got changed to ‘elation’.” Ahhh…what the fuck is ‘elation’?

Okay so Elation means ‘a feeling of great joy or pride’. Now, how the hell does that factor into a super punch? I have no idea, but I do have an idea of what it’s upgraded power could be. See, when you’re super happy, you’re super energetic, like you’re bouncing around and shit. And you would need a lot of stamina for that, so…

Purple Tigress’ new power is Resolver, it allows her to grant herself nigh-infinite stamina and a slight increase in speed and agility. 

🐁MOUSE MIRACULOUS🐁

Eezy dubs.

Polymouse’s new power is Bootleg, it allows her to produce copies of physical objects, the only downside being that the copies will be of lower quality, y’know, like a bootleg version.

🐓ROOSTER MIRACULOUS🐓

Ah, pretension, a claim or assertion of a claim to something. It actually makes sense paired with the power of the Miraculous itself, good job Thomas! Of course the power itself is busted beyond all accounts and makes the rest of the show seem like it could’ve been solved if at least one character had an IQ above room temperature. It’s hard to come up with something new for Pretension because it’s such a…specific term.

My first idea was a power that allowed the user to create a specific rule that had to be followed within a certain area, but that sounded busted. Too busted, even by the standards of the power it already has. However, once I wrote this off, I had an idea. How about, instead of creating rules, the Rooster hero could break them?

So, Rooster Bold’s new power is Rebel Roost, it allows him to make himself exempt from any rule or law by writing it with his feather pen dagger. Seems pretty useless at first right? WRONG! Laws of gravity? Fuck you, I can fly. Rules of Nature? Hey, mouse! You can kill that cat that’s been hunting you now! Yes, it’s broken, but so is it’s other power.

🐐GOAT MIRACULOUS🐐

Another eezy dub, y’know how passion basically means you’re dedicated towards something and have strong emotions towards it? And when it’s at it’s peak, nothing can keep you away from it?

Caprikid’s new power is Scapegoat, it allows him to become intangible, meaning that he can walk and/or float through physical objects, but he can’t touch them until he deactivates the power.

🐂OX MIRACULOUS🐂

The Ox Miraculous of Determination, in the simplest terms, is literally a big blue ‘nuh uh’ button. Surprisingly, it also makes sense paired with the power Astruc came up with! I’m tired as hell so I’m not gonna explain my thought process here.

Minataurox’s new power is Oxenfree, it allows him to supply his allies with boosts to their willpower. It’s lazy, I know, idc. (God, I’m falling off.)

🐕DOG MIRACULOUS🐕

THE FINAL ONE, YEEEEES

The Miraculous of the Dog holds the concept of Adoration, makes sense with the animal, not so much the power. Now, how the hell am I supposed to find another application of Adoration…actually it’s quite easy. It’s the same thing as the Horse, where all I have to do is give it the power I think it should’ve had in the first place. 

Miss Hound’s new power is Track Star, it allows her to target a specific person and track them down wherever they go. 

~~hide away, hide away from me, hide away, hide away from me-~~

I’M FINALLY FUCKING DONE! 

Guys, this took me 10 days.

Alright, if you have any alternate ideas you want to share or want to use any of these for your fics, make sure to comment below.

[zhongliologist]

Hello!! I'd like to send in a request for the writing challenge. I'd like to request a drabble for Alhaitham, and since today's my grandmother's 70th birthday, let's go with the number 70! No specific requests, feel free to take any and all creative liberties with this one! I like surprises. I've been following you for some time now, and think your writing is wonderful, so I'm excited to see what you come up with!!

Hope you have a great day!

(Hi! Thank you so much for supporting this blog and liking my work!! Hm idk if Al-haitham here is a little ooc but whever skskskks hope you like it! I recommend listening to the Korean version as well!)

Al-haitham + Fallin' Flower by SEVENTEEN

It was that time of the year again where flowers bloom amidst the lush green of Sumeru’s forest, like life beginning anew; like love blooming earnestly.

Al-haitham paced in his study, tasked with the job of sorting out old books and journals which have collected dust over the past two years. Some will be placed in the dedicated library of his home, while some will be donated to the House of Daena, usually those which have higher value to scholars.

As for the journals, he once thought it would be useful to have a handy notebook whenever he needed it, but now, it had become quite an obsession. Writing his thoughts in a journal seemed to clear Al-haitham’s mind, and he would just write whatever and whenever, often in various scripts and languages he was fluent in.

Picking up a tattered dark green notebook, Al-haitham pulled it open. It reminded him of the time he has to go to Liyue for a business trip; a time where your relationship were still tiny buds emerging from a branch.

Entry #57

I discussed various things with her again. It was fascinating, to say the least.

She said to me, “What a mind.” Not that no one has ever said that to me before, but why is it different with her?

Perhaps I would calm down once I return home. Out of sight, out of mind.

Entry #59

I told her I’ll be leaving tomorrow morning.

She only smiled to me—a smile that hurts more because it’s beautiful.

Like a heart filled with sadness.

But even so, it’s better this way. No one reaches their hand for falling petals.

Al-haitham closed the journal and placed it in a box on the foot of the table. There was a time when he thought it was the last time he would see you, and he had even resolved himself to that eventuality. Yet, the ultimate truth—fate, liked to play hooky with him in times and places he was the least prepared, much to his chagrin.

He found it, the red journal he was writing on a little later on. Opening it to an entry he remembered writing, he continued reminiscing.

Entry #12

I had thought I’d once again return to my peaceful life as the Grand Scribe, yet I am only confronted with complicated emotions. Going about this rationally; trying to overthink my way out of my feelings remain futile. What is it that makes her special anyway? Why am I feeling this way in the first place? I don’t want to admit it but…

In the end. I simply miss her.

I fly scattered in the wind, drifting away, where will I end up falling?

Entry #22

How hilarious this must be for fate.

For her to appear like this in Sumeru City. What are the chances? I could only laugh at the circumstances.

But then again, who could stop me from seeing her again? This isn’t how it should be. But maybe it’s true that somehow, you change unexpectedly for a person.

Al-haitham chuckled at his stubborn indignation from a year before. “Soon you’ll see that you have already fallen into the trap long before you realized you were in it.” Flipping a few pages forward, the dates change as well as the seasons. From the unbearable summer heat, to the leaves finally getting drenched in light rain, you had already taken root in Al-haitham’s heart.

Entry # 67

I sit here in my office facing this blank page before me. Even though there are numerous words which swirl in my head, I cannot fathom where I begin or end.

It had taken me a few days to reconcile with myself. It is either I be honest or I’ll lose her forever. The wound in my pride, that I can bear but losing her is a thought that is difficult to imagine. Perhaps the Lesser Lord was right, I already have the answers I seek. I just need to face what those answers entail.

I have never thought I would want to fall for someone. I was living in the moment. My life was alright here in Sumeru—my job as the grand Scribe, my peaceful nights reading. I thought that was enough for me. That is, until I met her.

There I realized that everything had a reason after all. This world to me now means more than what I had thought, I came to know that.

Entry #79

In my heart, a flower has bloomed.

It may not be me to say such things, yet I cannot withhold myself. After meeting her, I now understood what Kaveh was fighting for. This love, this romance which grasped even me who was drifting in the wind. The place where my fallen heart has reached is definitely the happiest place in the world. With her, even my dim future becomes clearer as time goes by.

I want to be with her.

I realized that just now.

Entry #89

To you,

It is the time when flowers bloom and fall, our wounds heal and you bloom. We are now living our first and the last, so I will treasure you for all my days. You have truly loved me, a scattered petal in the wind, and I have come to love you too.

Al-haitham offered a small gentle smile at his final account, remembering the day when flowers fell upon you; your smile radiating like the sun. He had no words left to describe how he felt at that time. It was a feeling which needed to be experienced to be understood.

“Al-haitham? What are you doing?”

Your voice rang through the doorway of his study, curious at how his gaze has softened at you. It was not every day that the ever-serious man would give you that look. Surely, there was a reason for it.

“Oh, just reading something interesting,” he replied, smiling gently. “But you know, I’m truly glad to have you in my life.”

You leaned your head to the side, intrigued by his sudden honestly. “Huh? What’s that all about?”

The man only hummed mischievously and continued with his reading. “Oh it’s nothing.”

Spotify Wrapped Drabble Challenge is still open!

[etenvs3000w23]

Unit 10: Nature Interpretation's Role in Environmental Sustainability

If I were to be totally honest with myself, the only reason I took this course to begin with was to fulfil a credit required to earn a certificate of environmental conservation when I graduated. There were very few options as to what credits I could take, and this one was available so I jumped at the chance. But I could not have been more lucky in taking that chance. That is because from the start of my university career I have consistently asked myself ‘what if I went the other way?’ I ask myself this because when I graduated highschool I was at a pretty big crossroads. I had spent my years in highschool volunteering as a student journalist in addition to taking the required science credits to go on one of two career paths: that of the scientist or that of the journalist. I of course took the route of the scientist, but again, what if I had gone the other way? This thought persisted, and as a result I have always valued the chance at learning how to integrate what I learned in science with that of communication, unfortunately I haven’t had as many chances to build these skills as I would have liked. Enter: this course.

In taking this course I unknowingly received the perfect opportunity to do what I’d always wanted, interpret what I’d learned in my zoology major and gain the skills to present it to a larger audience. Over the course of this semester I have learned way more about nature interpretation than I could have predicted, and I am definitely leaving this class a better communicator than when I began. So then, what have I learned?

I think one of the most important things I learned within this course was the importance of ethics while communicating. I’ve always tried my best to consider my audience when creating a project, but at the end of the day I am just one person with one point of view. Something that stood out to me while taking this course was the emphasis placed on privilege and the part it plays in experiencing nature and the lack of opportunities faced by those who lack it. In my own personal ethic I have always strived to be empathetic, honest, and responsible for my actions. But, what this course has allowed me to do is see the ‘invisible backpack’ described by Gallavan (2005) that many people carry with them. In considering my own code of ethics I need to be responsible in not making assumptions about certain groups, and know that not everyone has had the same opportunities as I have. Like many people I have felt the guilt of having these opportunities when others don’t, but rather than continue to think that simply feeling bad about my place in our society is enough, I know I have to strive to do better and make personal goals for myself. In other words, in order to be a good communicator I can’t just provide for one audience, but all audiences. It is so easy to tell people that if they want to experience nature then they should just go outside and touch the grass as they say, but this is not as easy as people think. There are hundreds of invisible barriers people with privilege who perceive their norm as the cultural norm simply cannot see. Economic barriers, cultural barriers, communication barriers, and so much more. It is learning about these barriers, and working with the people who face them that we can find ways to overcome them and provide less privileged people with interpretation catered to their needs rather than the same run of the mill experience that may be equivalent to others experiences, but not nearly as impactful.

I mentioned before how I once wanted to become a journalist rather than a scientist, and how I am still striving to be a better communicator. Communication is a broad term that has many different definitions. If I wanted to communicate with someone, I could do so using visuals, or music, or writing, or even through dance. Over history, different cultures have found different ways to interpret nature and communicate lessons learned from it to the next generation. For me, my skill set lends itself to utilising writing as the best approach to nature interpretation. Not only am I more confident in the written word, I am creative as well, or at least I try to be. Both the textbook and Strauss (1996) describe the importance of anecdotes and imagery to engage the audience. I know that throughout my life the lessons I have remembered the most were the memorable ones that had a great story behind them. It's part of the reason I can recount twenty hours of lore for major sci fi franchises and yet can barely remember my first year chemistry class. What sticks with people are experiences, and if you can engage people with nature through an immersive and creative experience, they will take that lesson and repurpose it for themselves.

Next year I plan to take a year off science and pursue a graduate certificate course in creative writing. I am in no way giving up science, but what I am doing is trying something new, and something I have always wanted to do. I have learned that influencing people to learn science through media such as fiction and other forms of creative writing can be just as impactful if not more so than discovering the facts in the first place. I hope to one day use what I have learned in this class and the rest of my undergrad to not only continue to be a responsible scientist, but a scientist who can communicate creatively with the next generation and inspire them to consider not just their own needs, but everyone's needs when it comes to nature.

Beck, L., Cable, T. T., & Knudson, D. M. (2018b). Chapter 5: Guiding Principles of Interpretation. Interpreting cultural and natural heritage : for a better world. (pp.81-101) Sagamore Venture.

Beck, L., Cable, T. T., & Knudson, D. M. (2018c). Chapter 7: Serving Diverse Audience. Interpreting cultural and natural heritage : for a better world. (pp.105-123) Sagamore Venture.

Gallavan, N. P. (2005). Helping teachers unpack their “invisible knapsacks.” Multicultural Education (San Francisco, Calif.), 13(1), 36–36.

Strauss, S. (1996). The passionate fact : storytelling in natural history and cultural interpretation. North American Press.

[tomomiisasleep]

notes on As Yet Unsent: (broke it outta the panic box, now there's only Dr. Sex left)

The princess has by turns tried to charm Camilla, play with Camilla, flirt with Camilla, and cajole Camilla. Camilla is currently unmoved. This lack of response might have been dangerous except for the pouch around Camilla’s neck: the princess knows that she would have better luck flirting with the earthly remains of Palamedes Sextus. I asked Coronabeth bluntly if she had designs on Camilla, who at the end of the day, is an attractive human being at the peak of physical health, contemporary in age, and also unexpectedly knows the value of quiet. Oh no, she said, and she seemed surprised I would ask. She said, one half plus one half is only ever half.

aaaaaaaa one half plus one half is only ever half.

AAAAAAA CORONA COME ON CORONA YOU CRAZY BITCH AAAAAAAAA

Meeting in person did not, as it so often does, inoculate against hero worship. I found Dyas to exceed my impossible teenage standards. We found out that we liked the same books.

I said to Hect, I hadn’t actually read them as closely as I’d made out to the lieutenant, in that initial conversation. I had to go back and reread all of them in a hurry.

Hect said, That’s the first human thing you’ve ever told me about yourself.

This made me cry

She never took a seat when we were enduring a Fifth or Third ball. And she never let weakness master her. I said to Hect, The night after you and she fought the duel at Canaan House, when I took her upstairs and asked how she was, all Dyas said was: I need a drink.

Marta... I am weeping, Judith went through so much torture and she's still under the influence of Number Seven, I hope she gets better in Alecto

She didn’t have to tell me in so many words what we both knew, that the relationship between cavalier and necromancer could so easily curdle into codependency . . . a loss of self on both sides. An obsessive fusion of halves, not two complementary forces.

ok wow

I didn't expect As Yet Unsent would be the piece in the tlt series to touch upon the "horrors of" codependency the most. These three characters really are something else.

Every birthday we got to have one person we’d invite and our mother and father would get to invite the rest, and Ianthe always invited whoever Babs didn’t want to see at the time, and I always invited you.

ok now I'm laughing and crying at the same time

fuck the Tridentarii they're so amazing, seeing this I can't help thinking about the Unwanted Guest, and how Ianthe let go of Bab's corpse because she found out that she never could.

Jody, you can’t die on me. I’m so alone now.

At this point Ianthe's crying at night too.

I told her, Don’t cry over me, Coronabeth. You and I both know there’s no reason to.

She dried her eyes with her fists and said, Ianthe always said we were born cursed.

Mercy was at their camp? wtf I'm having a bit of trouble with the timeline

Lieutenant Dyas is dead. My own necromancer wouldn’t have me. Won’t you let me be your cavalier? Here, now, at the end of the world? Save me, Jody. Bind me to you, or who knows where I will go? What throne will I mount, if you don’t bind me down?

She's so badass that she's scared of herself. I would be too.

It is not a confession of temptation. I wasn’t tempted by Coronabeth’s offer. There was never any possibility of it. I committed the understandable crime of desire for Lieutenant Marta Dyas, having joined my hand to hers with the best and most pure of intentions. Why would I ever knowingly take Coronabeth Tridentarius’s, having desired her already for twelve long, stupid, fruitless years?

And I said, Thank you for the offer, Your Highness, but not in this life or in any other.

FILE ENDS HERE

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK

*Screaming*

FUCK

I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS

uggghhhhhhhhhhhh arghhhhhhhhh aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

At this point I'm just simply marveling at how Tamsyn writes people loving multiple people at the same time and make all the love so beautiful, she really knows her stuff.

This really broke me

[bumblebeerror]

jesse what the fuck are you talking about...

i know you said you won't respond, but i don't care. you don't have to. i'm replying because i feel the need to reply. i'm not looking for a response anymore.

"i'm aggressively kind, and not nice" what. i want to study your brain under a microscope. the entire paragraph about what you do with your friends is alien to me. it just does not compute. i don't understand. what the fuck even was that? i've never done that or seen anyone do any of that. what the fuck?

kidness isn't a human right.

education, food, water, shelter, family, medicine... those are human rights. you are not entitled to kindness simply because you were born into this world. you have to earn it.

the fact that you believe bad people like the ones i mentioned deserve kindness tells me you have clearly had a very good, safe life and have never been truly hurt or come face-to-face with evil. if you did, you'd quickly change your philosophy. let me guess, you also oppose the death penalty? figures.

i am not about to fotce myself to disobey my instinct/intuition. when my gut tells me something, it's for a reason. when i get the creeps around a registered sex offender, i can't just ignore that. not just for moral reasons, but because it's a self-preservation instinct too.

"kindness isn't empathy, kindness is compassion" EMPATHY AND COMPASSION ARE SYNONYMS?????????????????????? they mean the same thing. literally what's the difference???????? what.

i've been bullied extensively, please don't fucking lecture me on what bullying does. i can honestly say bullying had a positive effect on me. it helped me build thicker skin and now i'm no longer so hypersensitive. it builds character for many people.

"there's a reason you have trouble making friends" it's not my fault i was born this way. i've tried making and maintaining friends since i was a little child. but fuck it is impossible. making and maintaining enemies is very easy for me, however.

i'm sorry, but i don't think i can remember 20 people, let alone make 20 friends??? that sounds exhausting. i don't even truly know 20 people. i only truly know my mom, dad, sister, grandfather and (dead) grandmother. i think of the people i used to go to school with a lot, but i only knew them superficially. we never truly knew each other.

there are many reasons i have no friends. i think i know myself a little better than you know me. my problems are much deeper than just "not willing to be kind". i've always been distant and uncomfortable with intimacy. and i have a disneyland of problems and difficulties, so even if i did learn to be "kind", i would still have no friends.

it's better to be friendless and tough, than friendless and a pushover.

Yeah, alright. Since we’re off the idea that bullying teens as adults is remotely acceptable, I’ll play ball. You can take this answer or leave it - I don’t care.

1) I explained the difference between kindness and niceness already.

2) kindness is realizing the inherent value of another human and taking actions to that end, whether directly or in politics/raising awareness.

3) I am fat, disabled, poor, mentally ill, have lost several very close family members including my father, and I’m queer; if you think my life has been easy, I want whatever you’re smoking.

It is because my life has not been easy that I know that people deserve to be treated as people, even if they suck.

I don’t put myself in danger either. But it’s not hard to realize that prisons are new slavery or that sexual assault and torture via other inmates and guards isn’t a morally correct way to deal with anyone who breaks a law. I’d hope you’d also realize that being a bigot doesn’t exactly warrant the death penalty.

4) Empathy is the ability to put yourself in one’s shoes and understand where they’re coming from.

Compassion is actually helping someone in need.

Which is why autistic folks have been trying to make it clear for years that being low empathy doesn’t make you evil.

5) I’m sorry you’ve been bullied. Personally, the only thing bullying taught me was to hate who I was and mask extensively.

Have you considered that you struggle to make friends because you don’t reach out to people for fear of them bullying you? Have you thought of the possibility that being bullied in fact changed you for the worse and made you less able to be yourself and be open with friends?

There are loads of studies on what bullying does to developing minds. I’m sure you do feel as if it’s helped you. Check back in on that in 2 years eh?

6) You were not “born this way”. Humans are, whether you like it or not, social creatures. You have unfortunately been taught by your bullies that people are unpleasant and out to get you. This isn’t true, and it’s fairly easy to root out those who are when you’re an adult in control of who you talk to or see.

Because imma be straight up with you king. I’ve got ADHD and autism, and even with those difficulties making friends those disorders represent, I still make friends exclusively because I treat others how I want to be treated and try to be the friend I’d want to have. I have such a wide circle of friends because I treat them well without the expectation that they’ll always be able to match that. I’ve not had a problem since I started doing so.

You have trouble making friends because you are an unpleasant person who does not think of others, and because you have convinced yourself that you were not made to have friends. Have you ever planned an event for your friends? Do you ever reach out to talk to them? Have you ever tried being the friend you want to have?

Because until *I* started doing that, I was a lot like you. I even believed it was other people’s fault nobody wanted to be friends with me. And if that wasn’t the case, I just wasn’t suited to having friends. Sound familiar?

I am also viscerally uncomfortable with intimacy. I also have trouble expressing emotions. I have a flat affect. I have multiple health issues and neurological issues related to them. I do not understand how to comfort others. I still have friends and I still get on well. Don’t put up your own barriers, mate. There are plenty of folks who have similar issues. Unfortunately this is a case where you aren’t special, and that’s a good thing.

7) I’m sure being tough will get you far when you have nobody to rely on for help.

I’m not a pushover for recognizing that other people have needs and inherent value.

[emptymanuscript]

For some reason Youtube is making it difficult for me to share my comfort video :/ so... I'll try this way.

Because, quite honestly, the first 10 minutes or so of this was what I kind of desperately needed after last night. She is so damn right it hurts in a good healing-a-wound way.

Because, yeah, full depressive anxiety response, check. And, yeah, both Biden and Trump could literally drop dead simultaneously and have their people puppet them around the next 4 years like it’s Weekend at Bernie’s AND Biden would still be the better candidate.

And, yes, he really did have a bad night. BUT one bad night is not the end of the world. And it was only a bad night if you ignore the content of what was said in favor of the expected appearance.

This isn’t a horse race between two horses that we’re judging based on their physical fitness. This is a political decision about whether you want democracy or not represented in the governing political positions of the two representative leaders. Biden being Pro Liberal Democracy, with all its benefits and flaws.Trump being Pro Right Wing Authoritarinism, with all its benefits and flaws. Neither is all good or all bad. They each have advantages and disadvantages depending on your point of view. Yes, Right Wing Authoritarianism does have distinct advantages, it’s simply the question of whether it is worth the trade off. Same way that Democracy has distinct disadvantages and the question is whether it is worth it.

So, yeah, which do you want?

Do I wish Democracy had sounded more appealing last night? Yes. Does it make me wish we had a more ideal world. Yes but I want that anyway, regardless of last night. I’d rather not have my pro-democracy choice come with as much willingness to throw Palestine under the bus and support for Netanyahu’s regime, even understanding the political context of the stance. I don’t get that choice. The only move I’m given in our election “game” is how I vote based on the choices I’m given. So, yeah, I have to take the bad with the good and the better. Does anything from last night change my position on the actual choices at hand?

No. Again, if the choice was between anything to the left of the democracy/republic divide versus Trump, I would vote for anything. Even a literal pile of shit. Quite honestly, if it had somehow come down to Chris Christie or Mitt Romney or several other Republicans versus Trump I would have voted for them in spite of disagreeing with them on nearly everything and thinking they’re pieces of shit, at least they are Pro-Democracy and value election results. So, it could be worse.

It just makes me feel like I don’t know how to use last night to my advantage at the same time as I see a thousand ways to use it against Biden. Which gives me a pure shot of fear inducing, doom & gloom, catastrophization.

Which is an emotional mind response. Sigh. So... it’s just getting out of that. Ignoring the allure of logical mind’s bullshit that will explain whatever answer I want it to. And picking wise mind back up. Ugh. Mental health is difficult. Bleh.

I don’t actually know why I find ECM (Elizabeth Cronise Mclaughlin) so comforting. She speaks “my language” I guess. But I really am watching her for comfort at this point. So... if you find “buck up soldier, it’s not that bad. All we gotta do is fight harder and smarter” comforting, I recommend her.

Though I'm also not sure she isn't right that I may need to simply disengage for my health. But that is REALLY hard. For all the same reasons. It FEELS (pesky emotional mind) like turning my back on the face eating leopard.

[vanilla-cigarillos]

Using My Practice To Heal Physical Trauma

Being a disabled person with a chronic illness that brings constant pain to my life, physical trauma is something I am unfortunately very familiar with. This intense, at times excruciating pain is something I have had to carry with me my entire life. However, I have used my craft as a way to mend the physical and mental trauma of living such an existence, and I want to share it in hopes that it can bring light to the end of someone else’s dark tunnel.

TW: Medical abuse/trauma

From my first memory onwards, I have existed in constant pain. My nerves betray me with each shock to my system, carrying waves of agony through my body in a way that is impossible to describe to someone who hasn’t experienced it. As a child this pain devastated me, leaving me crumpled on the floor crying and screaming for it all to stop. The agonized shrieks of a child in unbearable pain were ignored by every medical professional that I saw, being told countless times that I was simply looking for attention and I should be ignored. Later on in life when the pain would render me unconscious, deplete my energy well past the point of exhaustion, and create terrible muscle seizes that made my body contort into unnatural positions, I was poked and prodded. 

Rather than being treated with the delicate care of a minor experiencing some of the most intense physical pain possible, I was relegated to nothing more than a patient number and my consent was ignored. Blood was drawn, shots were given, drugs administered. My protests of what they were doing to my body were shunned as the petulant tantrums of a child. Doctors had no idea what was wrong with me, and they were determined to solve the case of the mysteriously ill child that no one could fix. Except no one wanted to fix me.

At that point I was just an experiment. My life became a series of tests and treatments that didn’t aim to heal, but to result in scientific outcomes that fueled the disgusting hubris of doctors who just wanted to slap their names onto my case. My existence was valued purely for the hope that one day my medical trials would be hailed as the success of a medial genius, someone who would be known for his triumphs in medicine.

But I never got better, and in many cases their “theoretical care” only made things worse. As my health proceeded to decline, I was then discarded like a piece of trash. I was told that I was a waste of resources, being as sick as they had made me. The bed I occupied belonged to someone whose life would offer the world purpose and meaning. My constant agony meant I was worth less because I would do less. I offered the world less and it rejected me.

I began to believe what the doctors were saying. In my very young mind, it was imprinted in me that my worth was inherently connected to my physical capabilities. I became obsessed with strength. I wanted, needed to be strong so I could be worth something to the people in my life. The constant weakness I experienced due to my illness was something I refused to embrace as an aspect of my life, and instead I pushed my body past its limits to the point where I was once again in the hospital, but this time on death’s door. 

I mourned the life I never had. I cried about my physical inadequacies and swore against whatever god their was that I never deserved a life of torture I’d never be able to escape. It was my body, after all. Once I escaped the doctors and their non-consensual procedures, I was still left with the simple fact that I would never be free of this constant pain because it was coming from within. I was defunct, broken in a way that no one could fix. I hated my body and everything it made me feel. I rejected myself, just as the world and the doctors had told me to. Once I stopped being strong enough to serve others I truly believed I was worth nothing and therefore should be nothing.

Through my craft I was able to escape. I don’t mean that believing in witchcraft cured me of the trauma and depression of +20 years of physical and mental abuse. Instead, I mean the act of carrying out my practice gave me a gentle way to reconnect with my body I had never been privy to before.

Meditation is the key to embracing who I am. I force myself to be alone with my body and its pain, to ground myself in my physical form rather than reject it. I mourn with myself for the torture that my body and mind have experienced, and I begin to see my body not as an enemy deserving of scorn but the only thing in my life that understands. My body carries with it the weight of all we have experiences. The subtle marks of needles forced into my arms remain, the faded white marks of hospital bindings that broke into my skin decorate my arms. I will always carry my past with me, however that does not mean that my body is the enemy. 

It was only ever trying to protect me. The panic and adrenaline that kicked in, giving me the strength and ability to fight like hell when forced into treatments I rejected, was my body giving me the will to keep moving forward. It rejected the notion of giving up, of succumbing to the pain. My body has always been my friend; we have suffered together. 

During meditation I feel it. I allow myself to gently search through myself with my mind, focusing on places where it hurts the most. I soothe myself in ways that no one else will ever be able to do, holding myself like the most fragile of children. 

Through my faith in a goddess figure I embrace the beauty of myself. I find beauty in the pock-marks of needle injections, liking them to constellations that are part of my story that will one day be written out in the sky once I pass. Dips and divots in my skin where I will never be able to grow back pieces of me that have been lost remind me of the great flowing rivers that traverse my home country. My hair, once cut short out of the doctor’s irritation, now grows long and healthy and strong. My legs, my long and beautiful legs that have been the most intense carriers of pain, are still persistent and determined to walk me through the life I continue choosing to live. 

I have the strength to carry on forward, and I will.