#if i try to focus on stuff up close
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I’m convinced Olympic shooters are superhuman actually
#what do you meeeeean you can SEE a full stop 10 or 25 or 50 metres away and AIM at it and HIT IT????#i drew a tiny red dot on my calendar and put it at the far end of the largest room in my house (almost 6 metres)#and even with good lighting i couldn’t really make it out. i think i could only ‘see’ it because i knew where it was#AND I HAVE 20/10 VISION#i have to wear prism glasses to read because my right eye points outward slightly when i’m tired and it gives me double vision#if i try to focus on stuff up close#but whenever the optician tries distance lenses on me i’m like.. this is the same or worse than my actual eyes#WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN SEE THE TARGET#and what do you mean you can HIT the target#i have fucking terrible aim. i can’t even win at darts#when i tried archery i hit the bullseye once on a complete fluke and every other time i pretty much missed the target#it’s bad. i’m a liability. i don’t even know how people get good at this? like how do you practice… aim…..#how the hell do you know where something’s going if you throw it? i count it as a win if i know what direction it’s going#the destination is anyone’s guess#personal
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Persona 4 Visualive The Evolution || Vs Adachi
#persona 4#adachi tohru#yu narukami#chie satonaka#yukiko amagi#kanji tatsumi#yosuke hanamura#naoto shirogane#tohru adachi#souji seta#persona 4 visualive#click 4 better quality as always! sry i didnt gif naoto shooting him i wss trying to focus on close-ups n stuff lol..#the quality of the og vid was only like 360p or smth so i tried 2 make the colors pop a bit more 2 mask tht fact a bit !#p4 gifs#persona 4 gifs#p4 spoilers#persona gifs#p4 visualive#narukami yu#amagi yukiko#shirogane naoto#tatsumi kanji#hanamura yosuke#satonaka chie#my gifs#gifs#flashing gif#persona 4 spoilers
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i think growing up is just life repeatedly sucker punching you and saying bitch you thought things were gonna better lmao no you're so naive and stupid for having hope in 20 years the world will be flaming bag of garbage and no matter how hard you work you'll get eliminated at some point
#and then you just have to get up and keep living anyway because what else is there to do?#but man my heart keeps feeling heavier with every blow#2024 has literally been the worst year ever god personally too#like everytime i think it can't possibly get worse than this it does#i remember literally 9th jan i had such a horrible breakdown in an auto because the first friend i ever made#after school was leaving my work and therefore my life#9 days into the year. seriously. and i was so happy on 8th because it was my birthday#i don't know im trying hard to think okay this doesn't even affect me it's fine im privileged enough that even my own countrys politics#barely affects me#but just. india is already so behind in everything. if developed nations are doing shit like this then well#it will never get better right like who do we even strive to be#i want to get more into indian politics but my god. it's so horrifying and depressing all the time#like i remember resolving to follow politics closely few years ago and the first news#i read was about some minister talking about how girls skirts lengths IN SCHOOL is the reason boys do sa and boys will be boys etc etc#i know i could just follow business news stuff like that god knows it'll help in my field but it just. doesn't resonate with me doesn't#make me feel anything at all. like i so desperately want to care about ooh stock markets and how to grow your money etc etc#but when i think about being rich enough to invest idle money all i can think is sitting in my own home peacefully#drinking a glass of cold coffee and just being able to breathe freely because me and my sister used to joke in childhood#when dad went thru a coffee v bad for health phase and he wouldn't let us drink it so we would drink it very sneakily#at night when he was asleep or went out for an hour and make absolutely no noise while mixing the sugar. we said that we know#we'll* know we have achieved true freedom and happiness in life when we can peacefully drink cold coffee in the hall and not secretly#in the dead of night in our room#i don't even know what im talking about and my period is late again and nothing is working and my lazer focus#that i had built in the past few weeks is gone because suddenly im like what is the point????#i just don't understand how the fuck humans can fight over stupid fucking things like who is kissing who and who is doing what with their#body instead of focusing on collective issues like our planet is dying so fucking fast and every summer is getting impossibler to survive#i hate that the united states control the UN fuck this world fr man i hate being born in such horrible helpless times#like call me a kid or dumb or whatever but i cannot understand how MILLIONS of people do not#have sympathy for ppl around them and who don't care about the planet at all like how????? how did you grow up????#not trying to boast but this is so natural to me!!! didn't you make save water save earth posters in school!!! didn't anyone
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Since writing the affirmations and starting manifestation again, I've actually been in a much better headspace. It's crazy how things align, and you end up where you need to be, especially through pain
#txt#have been reading the affirmations every day twice a day sometimes#doing my intentions and manifesting what i wsnt#which is mainly independence#also a good relationship with my ex from here#mainly stuff for me tho#and the full moon on Wednesday which is in scorpio which is his sun sign#will be a big release and maybe i can let go a bit or a lot lol#i need to move on and focus on myself and what i want in life and doing it all on my own#with support obviously but ive never been fully independent and im so ready for the blessings and the open doors#i dont know if ill truly ever be over him but i have to try for my own sanity at this point#i dont want to manifest anything selfish like him coming back to me because it probably wont happen anyway lmao#i hope i dont sound crazy lmao but coming back into my spiritual journey is definitely what i need#connecting with myself and my purpose feels like the only thing i can do rn#have a driving lesson tomorrow but in all honesty i could just go do the test and pass cause ive been driving forever and im good at it#just need to practice certain things but im nearly there! so close i can feel it and see it#anyway i hope i can keep this energy up and continue to head in a positive direction because it feels really good#if i need to cry about him and the loss then i will but im not going to dwell on it too much#i just need to take it as a lesson and let it go :)#cause at the end of the day i really did lead myself here whether it was his choice to end it or not#blah
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ok now that thats over. probably will b taking a break for a bit o9 or maybe not. me when i lie
#i will be trying 2 focus on comms n stuff for the next week though and i have some family stuff coming up....#and also speedrunning terraria w my best friends lmfao#<- he started crying after landing the last hit on the wall of flesh as she was on 1HP and scarily close to it#even after having drawn all this though. i still miss them its a peculiar feeling#duck rants about something#ive entertained the idea of a mdyz week every so often but i draw them essentially every day so im not sure aksjehhwhdd#maybe if any of ygs would be interested in that..............
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I don't know... horrible things happen all around the world and it's not a competition
Atrocities are committed against multiple groups in multiple parts of the world at the exact same moment, and none of them erase each other. They all matter, all the people in this world who are being brutalized matter. There shouldn't be any line you draw where one group doesn't actually matter as much as another
You're welcome to prioritize your energy towards helping one group or another, but what's not ok is invalidating or dismissing people who are actively being harmed
Same goes for trying to figure out which social group has things worst (and lets be honest, always using a US lens)
Like... maybe the important thing is to prop each other up and help everyone get on their own feet rather than trying to... pick fights about if physical disabilities or mental illness are less respected (I'm trying to pick a more absurd example but sadly I've seen exactly that argument happen before). Maybe it doesn't really matter and what matters is helping who we can when we can
I'm tired of it, I'm just fucking tired of it. Support people, champion them when the world is just brutalizing them, but you don't need to throw a single other person under the bus to do that
Which seems to be an absolutely impossible lesson for people to learn
#I won't say anything else on this; but I will say that to me one of the groups that it feels like is most forgotten is Syrians#including by me if I'm honest#I don't know what's currently happening in Syria... but... my understanding is it still hasn't really gotten better#assad is still brutalizing people last I had heard#so rather than saying anything else I'd prefer to simply focus on some people it feels like were forgotten back during Obama#and... and have remained forgotten#and I'm sorry I can't do more to help with the suffering in the world#but... you notice what I'm not having to do here?#I'm not having to throw a single other person under the bus#I'm able to just focus on how much I wish for Syrians to be ok (which is a hollow gesture on my part in many ways I think)#and I can keep all the focus on Syrians rather than throwing anyone else under the bus or doing any whataboutism#and that's literally all I'm asking of you fucking people#don't downplay human misery to try and make your thing seem more important#they're both fucking important... they're all important#there's so much suffering I can't even keep up with it#there's so much of it that I can only name without knowing the details; Congo; I believe Sudan is still suffering; Haiti#I don't know how things are in Ethiopia right now... I can't keep track#and none of these situations and the horrible things they're dealing with; things I haven't even been able to follow#none of it detracts from and of the issues I am following more closely#I don't need to compare them and say 'well it's not as bad'; because... bad is bad and any is too much#and nothing I say here will do a damn thing; no one'll hear and even if they did they'd ignore it or get pissed#that's what my evidence shows me about how people behave#but suffering isn't a competition; the correct amount is zero#and... perhaps I'd have more tolerance if I hadn't watched how you behave with stuff#...the worst part is the person I adore who... man... I wish I could just get them to really think through their words#they mean well; they're coming from a place of love; but I just haven't been able to paint the picture for them of the harm#and I'm flawed; I don't have all the answers; I could be wrong here#but... can you at least see why I feel that maybe we shouldn't pit misery against each other#that the people suffering have more in common with each other than opposed and... maybe westerners aren't fucking helping#eh... too fucking drained thinking about this; end of tags
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Made it home safe 👍
Today is not a good day.
#speculation nation#negative/#not bc of me making it home safe. but bc it was even such a question.#having it snow literally 2 days after buying my car was Not what i wanted to happen.#i stopped by the store tho to pick up some car stuff. including a scraper. and ended up getting a few other things.#have to finish up my data governance shit. still have to email my other professor.#i have dnd in 2 hours and i feel like such a miserable sod idk how im supposed to. do that.#i'll try. but it's also cutting it close with everything else too...#idfk. i might message i'll be a little late if my presentation stuff takes too long. idk.#in general tho my nerves are shot and im still upset about earlier.#stressed from school and the stress raised thru the Roof at my first fucking day of driving in snow.#i hate winter. i hate winter i hate winter i hate winter SO fucking much#not even xmas is enough to make winter worth it to me anymore. i barely even like christmas anymore.#which is particularly upsetting considering how much i used to love it#also god DAMN IT i couldve gotten egg nog while i was there 😭😭😭 i literally passed thru the milk isle 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#oh fuckin well. i'll get it another time.#for now... i need to focus on schoolwork. this is due Tonight.
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#its so weird. i feel like march 5th went on for more than a day somehow. i guess that's just bc we were awake for just abt all of it#my dad wanted to start doing things immediately so he was calling and scheduling all day. we went to the funeral home we went to the store#and it was weird bc as we were moving around it was like wow we r a 4 person family now. this is it. and theres so much to do after a person#dies. or at least there is when they were loved so much and jesus christ my mom was one of the best ppl a LOT of ppl knew. she did so much#for so so many ppl. and with her childhood she had every reason to b a fuck up but no she was kind and selfless and amazing. her mother is#trying to bask in the attention of her death when its like: truely go fuck urself. her being such a good person has nothing to do with u. u#treated her appallingly. fuck off. and fucking everyone knows it. god. she is a product of her grandparents kindness. and it sounds like her#dad was amazing like her. but he tragically died in a car wreck when she was 3. she was in the car. no one in my mums family believes in a#god now. too many bad things happened to the shining gems in a collection of wild alcoholics. but its not all bad. my family's staying close#my dad is taking it hard bc this means hes alone now and my mum took care of so many things bc she was so smart and he feels so dumb. he#feels he didnt deserve her. hes working on giving more hugs now. and hes using us to anxiously talk things out the way he did with mom#which is good. i cant imagine if this happened when we werent 3 adults and he was windowed with 3 kids to raise himself. and its funny. were#saying things we never would have told her. we looked thru pictures of her and she was so so beautiful. a total smoke show. my parents were#a cute couple who produced cute kids. and my mom had trouble communicating and being affectionate tho we knew she loved us there was#distance. theres a pic of my dad pulling her close and shes being tippef towarf her while standing away and thats indicitive of their#relationship. they were 2 partners who lived together independently and that worked but its sad bc my mum couldnt b vulnerable in her#expression. ppl r being so kind tho. ill be in ohio now for like 2.5 more weeks as the funeral stuff shakes out. we have to have 2 bc she#grew up away from her and so many ppl loved her in both locations. she was a popular lady. its so weird to b here on pause. but i feel clear#in my head. i think this will change a lot of my outlook on life. its nice to focus on the person she was and not the horrible 12hrs where i#saw her half dead. i cant imagine how awful it was for my sisters and dad to see her downslide into death. she didnt expect this to b The#Fever that killed her but it did and now she'll never finish a million things. and the house is full of pill bottles and all her junk and#unopened amazon packages and a truck with the fuel left on empty. bc she was an absent minded goofball. ay. well miss her so much#unrelated
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girl love is so pure and i honestly just wanna cry sometimes bc i dont have that...................................................... and probably never will</3
#but im blessed in so many diffrnt ways so im rly trying to not focus on that but#every once n awhile it just lays on me heavy and i get a lil pensive n melancholy for a while but other than that its not like#too devastating.... its just so sad bc i can like..... feel the potential#like i have soooooo much love to give and im such a lovergirl and i have no girlies to loveeeeeeee like that#also pls pls pls dont take this as me begging for attention bc i honestly dont think itll happen anyway thats not what i want#i dont want ppl pitying me or like tryng to be my friends/having expectations like that bc#im also like...... idk im just looking for that special connection that rarely happens u kno#like ofc i have lots of girls i like but its diff when u have that special connection#ive always felt a hollow part of me where a best friend is meant to be#idk maybe this will just come off as like.... dissing every girl friend i already have lmao like im so sorry.........#that is not my intention but also i think every girl im close with on here also understands where im at with this#hopefully..#and it is quite literally me not you not to be cliche#its honestly more of a problem of me not being willing to open up n stuff tbh#and im just too honest and like upfront abt my opinions and i feel like... that maybe makes it harder to relate to others as well
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grandpa passed away...
#and i feel terrible bc rather than being sad abt it I'm more frustrated#we weren't close so that probably explain the lack of sadness#but I'm frustrated bc i already this is going to be more stress for me to handle#I try my hardest to make the steps necessary to better my situation#but all my focus goes to others and things they fail to do or won't do#I'm basically told that it's up to me to step up and face ppl's anger and frustration to then do all the work for them#bc it affects me too or so I'm told#even tho they know I'm struggling a lot it doesn't seem to matter#i really don't want to travel right now and go to the funeral#I'm tired#i just want a break#a permanent one#life stuff
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Man-
There are random people online and ones I’m mutuals with or random people I interact with more than others in discord servers and stuff who I want to like, befriend properly
But the way I interact with people doesn’t allow for me to really spend time with them enough to build a true friendship, especially because one-on-one messaging stresses me out and annoys me 99% of the time (unless I’m the one to initiate, which rarely happens)
I love talking in groups, puts less pressure on me, but it also allows me to just not pay proper attention to individuals as much as I’d like?
Idk, I just wanted to ramble a little here as a lil note that if we’ve ever interacted and it was positive, I really appreciate you and would most likely love to get to know you personally cus I just really like knowing people, but my brain is stinky and rude so I prolly won’t ever take a proper first step to approach you about it but you ARE in fact my friend in my heart.
#rambles#I think I’m too self-centered and that that’s why the only people I can call close friends -#- are all in a server where I have my own space to just scream into the void about whatever I’m up to#and then sometimes through the day they peek in to talk to me#and also share their own stuff in other spaces for me to glance at when I have spoons for it#I just wish I was easier to truly befriend#I’m so social and I love knowing people but I hate LEARNING about them#I hate the parts where I have to always act a way befitting my own standards#show whatever side of me I want to flaunt for each conversation#not just my good side - it changes with my mood (rapidly)#I’m too particular about how my interactions with others go#I know I deserve friendships and I know I’m a great person to be around - but it’s really hard to actively interact with me -#- in a way that I can enjoy properly#my memory only works when I’m not in a mood to talk or if I’m too anxious about trying to start something I can’t keep up with#blegh#not really a vent but also a lil bit-?#idk man#I just really like being friends with people when I can but my brain gets in the way#I’m extremely self-centered which is a big root of this problem too#most prolly wouldn’t think so from how likely I am to actively step in to help people and be nice to others#but I live for and focus on myself and how I’m percieved 90% of the time
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#ive already expressed what i want to express but i still feel jorrible#i havent felt this badly triggered in months#my skin is crawling' heart wont stop beating' ears are ringing' cant sit still but cant focus on anything#the mental health center isuakly go to already closed for the day#i dont trust myseld to drive anywhere#i know im safe but my body is on fire#i cant stop worrying#theres a part of me that i resent that is afraid that w.soot is gonna try to kill himself#at the same time i feel so sick at all the stuff hes done#all the women coming forward specifically#ive lost faith in someone i really admires#oddly enough im not having flashbacks?#memory loops definitely#i want to sleep but my body literally cannot stop shaking#i have been shaking for hours#i think its literally been 10 hours at this point of non stop shaking#i dont want to admit myself to a psych ward but i think im reaching a point where i might have to go#i havent been there in over a year & i hate it cuz the temperature controls are broken and they wake you up at 5am to make sure youre alive#im safe but i dont want to be alone with this#i dont want to be awake right now#my body wont stop shaking
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It's 230 in the morning. I should be asleep but brain said no.
Instead I'm lying here trying to think about my stories and plan the next parts but that's not allowed so i keep thinking about a disaster of a game i played with people recently
#awkwardtalks#it's been like at least four days since we played#i probably just need to bail#but man I'm terrible at giving up on things#gonna try and focus on writing the next few days again#I'm actually close to done with stuff just got distracted by life lol
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💭
#this girl I was close friends/roommates with during my last year of college just got engaged with her bf of 8 years#while I am happy for both of them… idk I have difficult feelings about her now and don’t see her as a friend anymore#she used to live in the same city as me during the first like year and a half or so of the pandemic#and in that time we got to see/hang out with each other twice#first time we got to catch up for a few hours and we had a good time but it was kinda bittersweet… idk how to describe it#the second time she asked me last minute to accompany her to pick up stuff she got through Facebook marketplace#during one of those two times we hung out/she basically told me to my face that it would be the last time I’d see her#i understood initially cuz she was about to start teaching and she wanted to focus on her relationships with her bf and her family#but not long after she started teaching/she quickly started going out a lot and making new friends#then she moved to another town like 30 ish minutes away cuz her aunt kicked her out in the middle of her first year of teaching#idk I never had a good feeling about things cuz of all of that stuff I stated above#but also since she’s been trying on working to improve her relationship with her mom after everything she’s done to her#cuz we both have shitty moms who’ve said and done shitty things to us and our families#i know it probably won’t happen or won’t happen for like a few years#but in the event she invites me to her wedding/ I’m gonna be deadass with her about how I’ve felt about her#and see if she’s willing to work on improving our friendship before I decide to attend (if she does invite me cuz idk)#oh I also forgot how after she moved after her aunt kicked her out#she had the nerve to randomly ask if I could watch her aunt’s dogs during the week I was starting 3 online summer classes#she didn’t even like say hi/make small talk or ask nicely either#she just straight up was like ‘hey can you watch my aunt’s dogs during (x) week?’#she recently congratulated me when I posted on my Instagram story that I passed my driving text and got me license but I didn’t respond#I just have a lot of difficult feelings about her now/wish I could unfollow her but I don’t wanna start shit & her be all in my face & shit#jazz uses curse! 💜
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//Something I relate to with Samurai Jack, is that feeling of life finding every opportunity to push you back down, to kick your legs out from under you, bring you to your knees, leave you screaming, in pain, desperate, on fire. And yet to persevere, not just for your sake, but because you don’t see any other way. And somehow, even limping, you’ll find a way to wring out peace, happiness, contentment, love, and passion from this never ending path of pain. If you are to suffer, but there is no other way, there must be joy to be gripped with white knuckles and hungry claws, to fight for peace and to strive for hope even in the midst of all your anger and confusion and despair.
I may feel like there’s no way out, but I’ve got to keep moving. There are people out there depending on me to not give up. I can’t let these forces trying to cut my journey to an abrupt end win— even if I’m tired, even if I feel like it’s too much. When I feel alone, I let my mind picture what they’d want, I let myself mourn and wonder and wish, but I don’t let it give up. I can’t go see you yet. I have more to do. Watch me and I will see you when my work is done. But I will hold onto you for all of my life. I will make my life a service to you, my actions a memorial that can be trailed to you. In every move I make I will tell the ones I love, gone and with me, “this is for you, this is for you,” and when I live, even with tears and anger and joy, “this is for you.”
#『名誉: musings』#『 out of robes 』#『 meta 』#『 sharkie chews the scenery 』#//and maybe someday once the oppressive darkness doesn’t feel so close I can say ‘this is for me too’.#//hi guys I bet you weren’t surprised when I didn’t actually start rping again after trying to come back#//that’s because I posted that promo got zero response and felt discouraged#//and then life threw every awful thing it had at me.#//I feel like haven’t been able to do anything but fight to survive lately. been in a bad place#//and right as new year’s started I lost a very very beloved friend and pet unexpectedly and too soon#//I’ve lost a lot of loved ones these past few years. it builds up. I think this last loss was the most unexpected though.#//since then I’ve been in a worse state mentally that I probably have been since high school#//but I refuse to give up hope because that’s what helped me climb out of my last endless pit#//I’ve been really wanting to write Jack again since I posted the promo but haven’t really had much I could do#//plus I’ve been battling all this irl stuff and it’s made it hard to find much left over for hobbies#//but I’m posting this both as a love letter for jack and for those here I care about#//and to say I’m still here. I won’t abandon Jack I don’t think. he means too much to me#//I’m thinking if I start rping him again I’m going to worry less about cosmetics and worry more about getting something written#//I’ve been worried about trying to be presented in a nice aesthetic fashion but tbh I think that’s blocking me from actually doing things#//I’d like to do a soft restart and maybe focus more on the people I know have talked to me and talk to them#//hopefully you will have me back after to much time away and waffling to get started again. I had decent reasons but still#//being away does a lot to severe decent connections#//anyway. Jack means Hope and Healing to me. no matter how much he goes through it isn’t about the pain.#//it’s about the Herculean yet incredibly human task of overcoming constant and monumental odds because you care.#//because at your core is hope and passion and love.#//I‘ve been crying writing this so it’s probably very sappy and unpolished but I’m not sorry lol#//listening to my old playlists I used to play on loop whenever writing Jack or thinking about him and it made me emotional
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Ignore
#delete later#im. so fucking out of it. i currently am not experiencing hunger or thirst or most emotions. i can vaguely feel my usual pain but#its massively muted. i cant focus on fucking anything. as in concentrate but also focus my eyes. like ive been having to lean so close to my#screen to process work stuff.#i havent been this dissociated in a long fucking time. not since ive been oroperly medicated#the medication is doing great though. im still eating qnd drinking abd able to force myself to try wnd concentrate. without it id just be#lying on the floor i reckon. its just. wild. i cant force myself to care about the videogames ive been waiting months to play#i just. dont give a shit. the only reason im able to do work is bc i can still access guilt and i dont want to fuck up my coworkers day#i definitely didnt police my tone correctly earlier though so i think i may have come across as rude which i feel bad for#the only things i feel rn are this banging headache. guilt. shame. and the crawling disgust that comes with feeling contaminated#which is just great. it'll pass and ill be fine but like wow. i did my a levels like this. wild.
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