#i dont want to be awake right now
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#ive already expressed what i want to express but i still feel jorrible#i havent felt this badly triggered in months#my skin is crawling' heart wont stop beating' ears are ringing' cant sit still but cant focus on anything#the mental health center isuakly go to already closed for the day#i dont trust myseld to drive anywhere#i know im safe but my body is on fire#i cant stop worrying#theres a part of me that i resent that is afraid that w.soot is gonna try to kill himself#at the same time i feel so sick at all the stuff hes done#all the women coming forward specifically#ive lost faith in someone i really admires#oddly enough im not having flashbacks?#memory loops definitely#i want to sleep but my body literally cannot stop shaking#i have been shaking for hours#i think its literally been 10 hours at this point of non stop shaking#i dont want to admit myself to a psych ward but i think im reaching a point where i might have to go#i havent been there in over a year & i hate it cuz the temperature controls are broken and they wake you up at 5am to make sure youre alive#im safe but i dont want to be alone with this#i dont want to be awake right now#my body wont stop shaking
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OOH YEAH BABY ITS THE SURGERY EPISODE BABY!!! ME AND THE HOMIES NEED SOME NEW FACES FOR OUR NEW PLAN, AND WHO BETTER TO GET THE JOB DONE THAN THE TWO MOST EVIL PEOPLE WE'VE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF HAVING OUR LIVES VIOLATED BY? I MEAN IT WOULD BE FUNNY. IT WOULD BE FUNNY.
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#cw blood#cw gore#jrwi suckening#jrwi suckening spoilers#vex waylin#viv waylin#MY FAVORIT EP!! HAVNT SEEN IT IN FOREVER THO BC WELL. IM BUSY. SO BEAR W ME IM RUNNIN OFF ALOTTA MEMORY FUMES#ALSO EDIT BC FUUUCK I HADMORE TAGS BUT TUMBLR FUCKEN ATE EM. OH WELL. MY DMS R OPEN IF U WANNA UNLOCK RAMBLES.#I LOVE THE WAYLIN TWINS SSSOO FUCKING MUCH IM SO!!! CURIOUS ABOUT THEM!!! WHO WERE THEY WHEN THEY WERE HUMAN? HOW LONGVE THEY BEEN ARND?#I LOVE IT WHEN PPL SAY ITS LIKE THESE TWO WERE MADE FOR MMEE BC YES!! YES!! ITS EVERYTHING I COULD EVER WANT FROMA CHARACTER!!!#I LOVE THEIR RED WHITE N BLACK COLOR SCHEME. I LOVE HOW THEYRE BOTH SO INTELLIGENT AND GENIUS N YET THEYRE DUMB AS FUUUUCK#COOOMICAL SUPER VILLAINS. OOH ILL GET YOU NEXT TIME SHAMIA SHAMAI!!! HOW DARE YOU FOIL MY PLAN!! MY PLANS OF MUTILATING AWAKE N ALIVE PPL#COMICAL AND YET. GENUINELY HORRIFYING. VIV CAN MAKE UR BONES EXPLODE JUST BY THINKING ABOUT IT. VEX CAN BECOME SOUP#WHY DONT WE TALK ABOUT THAT MORE? THE TURNING INTO RED MEAT SLIME?? METAL AS FUUUCK. I ALSO LOVE HOW SCARED THEY GOT SO QUICKLY#THIS LIL FUCKEN RRRRRAT COMES IN. AND WELL. HES JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHERS. WE FUCK HIM UP N TOSS HIM INTO THE SUN N LET HIM BURN#SURE HE HAD ONE MORE TRICK OF REBELLION UP HIS SLEEVE BUT THE SUN HAS TAKEN HIM NOW. ITS FINE. WE'RE FINE. HEY IS THERE SMTH IN THE CEILING#OHHH WE KILLED HIM ONCE N HE CAME BACK. WE KILLED HIM AGAIN N TOOK HIM APART BUT THEN HES BACK?? HE GETS AWAY AND THEN. COMES BACK. AGAIN.#WE CANT GET RID OF HIM. THAT FOUL SHAMIA SHAMAI. A MOUSE IN OUR KITCHEN. FUUUUCK HES GONNA SPREAD DISEASE! KILL IT! KILL IT!! AAAUUGH FUCK!#I LOVE THAT THE WAYLIN TWINS AGREED TO HELP THE BLONDE TWINS MOSTLY ON THE BASIS OF 'IT WOULD BE FUNNY' BUT ALSO#OOHHH WE ARE SO CLOSE TO REACHING SOMETHING TO MAKE HIM NNEEVER FUCK WITH US AGAIN. HIS ILLUSIONS WILL HAUNT US NO LONGER#THEY WERE SSSOOO PARANOID W ALL THE CAMERAS AND BOMBING THEIR OWN LAB AND RUNNING AND RUNNING AND GETTING AWWAY FROM THIS FUCKEN! MOUSE!!!!#OHHHH I THINK IM RUNNIN OUTA ROOM so ill talk about da art real quick.BEEN WORKIN ON THIS FOR A WHIIILE.ALOTTA THESE were started when the#ep came out.so OLD!! BUT DONE!!and im very very happy w my colors n gore n EXPRESSIONS!! the top right corner comic keeps making me chuckle#I ALSO rly love the lil convo between arthur n viv.theyre SO CUTE TOGETHERR they should go ona museum date together or somethin#they need more time to just talk abt da World together.ALSO CAN I BE PETTY.I MADE ARTHUR UGLY CORRECT-STYLE#THESE BOYS KNOW NOTHING OF UGLY.I MADE THE VAMPIRIC FLESH EVOLVE N ROT N BLOSSOM AND THERE IS SQUIRMING WITHIN THE TENEBRAE#UHHH IEAH THIS GUY W A ROTTED N DISTORTED FACE WALKS INTO MY BIKE STORE IEAH IM SCREAAAMIN LIKE WADDA HELL!! MONSTOR!!!
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god i need that fictional character in ways concerning to feminism and human rights activists
#text#my post#this could be about sooo many characters. and i WILL tag them because i apparently hate everyone#darkstalker wof#morrowseer wof#handsome jack#hazbin hotel valentino#hazbin hotel vox#hazbin hotel alastor#anyway. this is my taste in characters#could and would kill me instantly. but would also fuck me and keep me around as a weirdo kind of pet#i specifically want valentino to take away my rights and free will as a human being#and i want him to make vox join in on the evil scheming he has in mind for me <3#and darkstalker + morrowseer..... SWOON#use your mighty animus magic on me and turn me into a docile and pliant breeding scavenger please???#anyway it is 2am i dont think im supposed to be awake right now. evident by this post
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Wrote tha note to put on their door in the morning.
Do u think my sleep deprived frustration is evident lol
#speculation nation#bc guess who is still awake. thafs right. this poor sod#im so exhausted and yet the thump thump thumping continues#it makes me want to bang on the ceiling but i know that wont help#i dont even know what the noise is now. rapid fire thumping in a way that sounds like#more frequent than would naturally be audible from just normal thumping.#it's definitely not a sex thing. it almost sounds like the dull popping of fireworks#thouhh i know it's not that either.#my best guess is that it's the keyboard i started hearing last friday#but i havent heard them practicing nearly as much as ive heard this damned thumping#im#actually tempted to just go up there and knock on their door#it's 1 am and the thump thump thumping is continuing.#i just want to fucking sleep
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It's too fucking early to be haunted. And yet
#“we dont have to so this why are you thinking about this lets think about something else this isnt helpful” (brain continuously loops around#to it until i feel physically unwell)#and literally for what. for what 🔪#i dont even know why im awake right now and do not want to be#can i live
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👀🍕..
#chattin#i am AWAKE from my nap. and i have thoughts#thinking of that damn 🍕head bc i keep seeing him in my dash…and people draw him w others so well….#i want him to be like just a silly guy#but a silly guy thats got something a little fucked up wrong w him#mentions of stalking and obsessive behavior ->#like i think i am going to settle w 🍕head being a bit (ALOT…AWFULLY ALOT) obsessed w peppino#like summing it up wo writing an essay;#he wanted peppinos shop and got rejected TWICE. he tried hiring peppino and got chased out of the shop#and it went from ‘i want the shop’ to ‘i want peppino’ to ‘if i cant have the shop neither can he’#to ‘if i cant have him…well actually thats not an issue at all’#imitation is the sincerest form of flattery yknow#the peppibots came first bc its like ‘okay i cant have the damn shop but i can just Make a shop w bots that work like him. that cant be too-#-hard RIGHT??’ but the bots are so volatile and unresponsive and they explode everything they touch#and pizzahead is like ‘no… :(‘ peppino looks so angry but makes his food w LOVE…he does NOT explode his food!!!#he doesnt want to scrap the idea but it Is a bit disheartening#and hes like OKAY. WHATEVER! WE ALWAYS HAVE OTHER PLANS….!#theres gotta be cloning labs right? no i dont care about the morality of that shit u sillywilly. FIND ME A LAB.#so now theres little peppino clones everywhere. and they look SO close to the real thing#and pizzahead is like. hol up. i think something is happening that i dont want to happen right now. but im going to put that away for now :)#by this point peppino has already relocated to his Current Spot bc theres literally NOTHING available 😭#‘enough. to the Woods with you’#and pizzahead is like there is no fucking way that chump that IDIOT that extremely handsome IDIOT took the damn plot next to the tower#and immediately is like ‘well if im already making the bots AND the clones then i really REALLY dont need u! at all! not even a little!-#-I dont care! i really dont! who needs a strong and smart and handsome man like u around???!!!!!!’#and pizzahead is like that fucking dumbass😏 watch that shit explode in 6 hours. only um. peppino is storming the tower#and hes like WAIT OH SHIT. KEYS. KEYS WHERW ARE THEY??? THE CLONES! WE AINT GOT NO TIME THE FAT MAN IS COMIN#YOU. ECCENTRIC ARTIST. FIGHT THAT MAN. ‘okay’ YOU WEIRD CHEESE MAN. SHOOT. ‘mkay’#like hes panicking and throwing shit in the air and running in circles in his little camera room#NOOO im at tag limit…pizzahead hates this man he loves this man he is obsessed and maybe wants him a little carnally. its all good okay bye
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Quivering and hooking my fingers into my mouth and biting down hard on them sobbing because the anime
#Listen to my problems#oh god the anime ...#i like calling myself a male fujo because fundanshi doesnt have the same rep and i want people to know what theyre dealing with#hang on i think i left tsukasa in the car#oh fuck my sweetie ..... !!!! he died of carbon monoxide :((((#i miss him so much ... hes like my muse but i cant use that word anymore after what happened with mars. once in a lifetime event#now i can only say 'i like himm :3' because i do. and hes my best friend#hes such a character hes literally all about momentum hes defined by it. Hes so intelligent and quick but when it comes to his life goals#and longterm direction you can kind of tell he wasnt banking on living long and it carries over. that kind of lifestyle and mindset that#held him together for more than a decade is difficult to shed. he hasnt had a chance to grow since the first time he realised his parents#wouldnt lift a finger to take care of him. it was all about survival and stitching blinkers into the sides of your head so you dont falter#dont think about how youre going to get through this just get through it. dont think about how youre going to be doing this for the rest of#your life just get it done. he clipped his own wings and chained himself to the rock he believed in so that when it was dropped in the ocean#he would fall with it without question this is a man who cut his own brake lines because stopping was not an option hes so coooool i cannot#stress enough how he was going to die a horrible death if the world hadnt ended and suddenly he was freed from all obligations. the second#he was awake though ? right back to it. suddenly its his job to recreate the world anew. pure. according to his ideals. nobody should have#to suffer as he did and he will protect them all... hes responsible for them all. it wont be the same as last time this time for sure theyll#get it right. Right? of course theres no room for doubt. that voice at the back of his head has to be crushed underfoot if he stops moving#then he'll fail and he cannot fail ... thats all there is to it he just cant fail. hes literally awesome ... my best friend tsukasaaaaa#and the other guy too i guess
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torn between making nari's indoctrination into ramzi's cult into a fanfic or a comic..... I might just do both
#g.txt#im so normal about it i need other people to feel how feral i am about it but i dont want to spoil it RAAA#ive been awake for over 24 hours can you tell#chewing on the bars of my enclosure right now let me out let me outttttt#i dont have an ao3 account and i never have and at this point im scared to make one i might just keep my fanfics on here
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to be honest with everybody I don't think I'm supposed to be here. I think I'm supposed to be somewhere else
#talking#when i was young i would play the same games over and over and i would think obsessively about what was beyond the area provided#i wanted so desperately to see the inside of the apartments in castelia city i would spend hours thinking about it#imagining what im missing#thinking with certainty there would be more to the game if i could just get to the points out of reach somehow#that same feeling of believing theres more out there but being locked out of it by some third party keeps happening#ill have dreams that feel infinitely more familiar and certain than the memories and experiences i have in real life#ill be gone for months only to wake up and learn none of it happened and it was just another product of my imagination#feels like im going nuts when i say i dont think the life im living is correct or accurate or. what word do i want#genuine? i dont feel like this is as real as it presents itself to be#i really dont know how to explain any of what im feeling without sounding like ive absolutely lost my mind. honestly maybe i have lost it#i just know that in my dreams the 'abnormal' events that occur feel infinitely more organic & real than the events that occur when im awake#like at some point in my childhood i fell into this parallel universe and nobody ever came to retrieve me so now this is how i live#all the surrealist media was right. i think im supposed to live somewhere more infinite and less. real? grounded?#i dont know. thinking about it makes my chest hurt#i dont know what the hell any of this is todays tag talk sort of got away from me and for that i applogize#ill toss it in the queue since ive been so chatty lately#saw this was still in the queue so im coming back to say i watched a movie about things like this#and i truly felt like i was dying#very fun
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I'm so fucking happy that I literally had such a miserable vacation and not a single good day out of two weeks ! 🤗🤗
#dont mind me#im suffering and all ive been able to think about this vacation is how awful ive felt and how miserable ive been#im so fucking upset#i just want to feel like myself again and feel awake and alive#i literally want to cry right now#im also cramping so bad right now that i feel nauseous so thats FUN
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I dont think at this point i can even start on classic literature if i tried, like, i have absolutely zero patience for stories that take their goddamn time "building up" to things. "give exposition talk and show your characters doing everyday things" girl only if the everyday things contribute to the theme of the story! I dont have an ounce of interest in traditional idle starting points, "this story takes awhile to warm up and nothing happens for 45 pages" lmao bye
#I used to think my attention span has gotten worse and i can't focus enough to get through books#but turns out people are just boring writers lmao#i love it when a story starts right off the bat. Dont beat around the bush;#just tell me the fucking story i have never heard of ''build up''#i dont wait for a narrative to come around the story has approximately 1 to 4 minutes to catch my attention or i'm out#my brother is always like ''nooo give this thing a chance it's gonna get better'' nah. if it's good it's good from the very beginning#in the first 5 minutes of Gotham TV you get two children's reaction to murder; utter freeze and ear shattering scream#it immediately swts the scene. you're IN the story the narrative has already started#in the first 5 minutes of Shameless US Ian is outed to the family's possible most homophobic little dude#it literally shocks you out of your skin and you're like ''oh okay!! alright; i'm awake now!''#it's not that i can't get into 570k books anymore; it's that people who write long narratives usually meander and stale so goddamn much#and dont say anything at all and the pace is hella slow#and i need a good captivating opening#this post brought to you by me rewatching Samurai Champloo#opening with a disclaimer reading ''this work is not an accurate historical portrayal. like we care. now shut up and enjoy the show.''#immediately followed by two enemy samurais executed together. like fuuuuuck this opening sequence is so sexy!!!!#i'm one of the people very much in favour of 45-episode shows being cut down to 8 or twelve#if done right#because i only want the essential plot and i love a fast paced story#no.1 hater of ''mandatory beach episode'' here#stick to the fucking plot and pack it!!!
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when i get home im going to sleep
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IMN TIREDDDDDD
#i have to flip my sleep schedule to being awake during the day#cuz rn im awake at night and asleep at the day#but i dont wsnt too... i want to sleep right now.... hrmfnnfmrmjf#i will maybe mke mysellllffffa coffee drink#orrrr i have a monster in the fridge hmmm#maybe i can put the monster kn a cup... many things to consider#mine
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i hate being fine all day & then all of a sudden feeling miserable
#what the fuck am i doing with my life lol#it doesnt make me want to d*e but it makes me feel so fucking heavy#like im just not doing what im supposed to be doing. my peers are still ahead of me despite the fact that im 22#i cant drive yet i dont live on my own i dont work right now theres so much i dont know how to do and its overwhelming#i feel like ill never catch up because im sitting here constantly fucked up abt what was happening to me 10 years ago#it makes me want to fucking cry and im so tired of feeling like that so often#it never truly ends#milo murmurs#csa vent#i get angry too bc i know none of my abusers regret what they did to me#it doesnt keep them awake at night. it doesnt pop into their mind randomly. it doesnt interfere w their daily life#it didnt give them chronic fucking pain!!!!!#but at the end of the day im just sad im like this bc i dont know how to fix it
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gehhh I can feel my brain starting to turn pretty fucky wucky and I would really prefer to not have that happen again cause it was really bad last timeee
#forrest speaks#vent#i literally feel up to my eyeballs in stress there's so much shit going on right now and i just really don't like this#got real bad family stuff happening and just general depression shit hitting really hard and pressure from parents to like choose a career#and pressure from uni cause I've not done work for a while and have been in a state about it and ive been too terrified to try and sort#out my probable autism shit cause it stresses me out thinking about it#i just feel like curling up into my bed and never leaving it yknow? its overwhelming and makes me want to cease#feel the need to say that i wont and dont do stupid shit to myself when i get like this because i dont want people worrying n shit#i just usually keep by myself and stay in bed and just mentally beat myself up i guess#god being awake just feels so exhausting right now but im still to awake to sleep#im sorry for dumping this here but i just wanna scream how im really feelin deep down into the void n stuff and this is the best i can do#gonna try drawing a bunch of real self indulgent shit so i can get that happy feeling of making something at the very least#god knows ill need it
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#ooc#vent#my brother and i got into an argument in the immediate family chat about2 hours ago and im still emotionally out of whack from it.#right now I'm struggling to feel anything but extreme dislike and coldness to him. I've felt so disrespected and unappreciated by him for.#well probably years now. a long time. and he blew up at me for no reason and basically said my autism is the problem.#something so intrinsic and unable to be separated from me is the provlem.tje thing that's been making it so harf for me for so long.#I'm sitting at work trying not to cry again as i type this .#i don't know if i will ever fully come back from this. i don't know if i *want* to try and fix things after this.#he seemed to hate me. and i dont even really care anymore. how sad is that. what hurts most is that it feels like confirmation that im#the problem. not him#me. like it always has been because ive spent most of my life undiagnosed and unknowing. suspecting but that's about it.#I'm sick and tired of not being comfortable at home. im sick and tired of being scared he'll hurt me. I'm sick and tired of him keeping#me awake at night. I'm sick and tired of him not even doing bare minimum and reaping all the rewards.#i hate how it feels like mum and dad are protecting him. how nothing ever changes and i keep trying but i can't do anything.#i can't even move out rental vacancy is less than 1% abd rents like $500+ a week.#i dont want to have to leave but i may have too just to keep my sanity and i hate it i hate it i hate it.#i hate him. i wish he would go away. i wish ue would face reak consequences and know how it feels. i wish mt sister woulf stop choosing him#like hes not the problem. i haye feeling like this.#i hate being the problem.
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