#cuz rn im awake at night and asleep at the day

[ritz-regrezzez]

IMN TIREDDDDDD

[ranposgirlboss]

~late night car drives with bsd charas~

this is an idea i got while listening to depressing vocaliod songs, SO HERE WE ARE!!! these are just some hc i have about how it would go, some charas are COMPLETELY platonic!! (this is mostly platonic in the 1st place tbh) this is my first time writing on this app, and i haven't written anything online in a few years, so if the formatting is weird, PLEASE TELL ME IDK WHAT IM DOIMNHG

chara list: dazai, chuuya, poe, ranpo, and yosano

GENRE: fluff fluff fluff and sillies

enjoy!!

-----------------------------

DAZAI

-HESSS DEEEEEFFF THE TYPE TO BRING YOU ON LATE-NIGHT DRIVES!!!!!

-he would probably be going to some weird ass convenience store with you at ungodly hours in the morning 💀

-HE EITHER SINGS THE MOST DEPRESSING SONGS OR THE MOST UPBEAT SILLY SONGS THERE IS LITERALLY NO IN BETWEEN

-i feel like he would mess with you and fucking drift the car when yall turn

-lets just say you get close to dying more then once 😁

-one time when yall tried to sneak out, kunikida caught yalls asses (your ears still hurt to this day from the mouthing off you got from kunikida)

-all in all, VERY FUN TO GO OUT WITH!!! WOULD RECOMMEND IF YOU WANT CHAOS!!!! OR IF YOU LIKE ALMOST DYING 10 TIMES IN 30 MINS <3333

CHUUYA

-ok so i know i said late night CAR rides BUT CMON WHO DOESNT WANNA RIDE A COOL ASS MOTORCYCLE WITH CHUUYA!??!?!?/1

-mf has HORRIBLE ROAD RAGE!!!

-i hc that when chuuya gets really pissed and the person is super rude to him, he fucking makes their car float...LIKE FULL ON 😭

-AND THEN HELL MAKE THEM SAY SORRY

-but other then his road rage, its honestly pretty chill

-i know that he has a BANGER playlist, I JUST KNOW IT

-i fell like he'd also play around on the motorcycle a bit, BUT AT LEAST HE WOULDNT NEARLY KILL YOU UNLIKE DAZAI (눈‸눈)

-id say its pretty nice and balanced, with enough calmness to make it enjoyable for the most part, but enough thrill to keep asking him to take you out <33

RANPO

-just gonna let you know right off the bat, his ass is NOT driving 😂

-there is a high chance that he JUST woke up and started banging on your door because he had cravings and well, he ran out of his snacks...so OBVIOUSLY he had to bang on your door, its important!!!

-and even if he was completely awake...he would get yall lost so fast

-so you were driving him

-honestly? its kinda funny to see groggy ranpo walk around and try to grab what snack he wants at the convenience store when he's barely awake

-bro literally drops the bag like 5 times (you picked it up all 5 bc you kinda pitied him rn 😭)

-he basically ends up sleep walking his ass outta there

-the ride is mostly quiet, mainly because ranpo falls asleep on the way back

-imagine if you played heavy metal and woke him up

POE

-HE WOULD DRIVE WITH YOU FREQUENTLY, DUE TO HIM BEING A NIGHT OWL

-these car rides would be so peaceful

-ngl he would probably sometimes take you out just to drive with you (its not like gas is a problem for him anyways 😭)

-HE HAS SUCH A GOOD PLAYLIST OF SONGS TO JUST SIT THERE AND DAYDREAM TO

-doesnt seem like a talker tbh, he might ask you if you want to go anywhere specific, but you guys mostly just listen to music together (he saves the story telling for another time <3)

-I FEEL LIKE HE WOULD MAKE A PLAYLIST THAT LIKE KIND OF HAS A STORY LINE SO IT WOULD BE SO FUN TO DAYDREAM TO THE SONGS CUZ YOU COULD CREATE YOUR OWN STORY TO THEM

-you hold karl in your lap and pet him like you're an evil villain (cannon)

-very calming and relaxing drive <33

YOSANO

-UGH IM SO GAY FOR HER

-ngl she kinda gives dazai vibes, in terms of playlist

-there has been more than one occasion when she just drunk-drove you

-LUCKILY YALL DONT DIE??!?!?!??! HOLY FUCK

-shes a small talker, OR A GOSSIPER WHILE YALL DRIVE

-yall just have so much fun talking about the ada and everything that's going on there <333

-would scream the lyrics to any 2010's throwback song, while having a (hopefully) safe dance party

-very fun to be around, and even though she drunk drives, shes def safer then dazai

-----------------------

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS!!!! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*.✧

PLEASE SEND ME REQS I BEG OF YOU

[cerixav]

Please just fucking

LOVE MEEEEEEE FUCK MAN I CAN'T EVEN EXPRESS HOW MUCH I NEED TO GUTTERALLY SCREAM THIS AS MY VOCAL CORDS BREAK SND AND MY THROAT BLEEDS FROM HOW HARD AND LONG IM SCREAMING DEAR FUCKING GOD I CAN'T EVEN HELP YOU FATHOM HOW MUCH I NEED THIS LOVE RIGHT NOW PLEASE HOLY FUCK JUST LOVE MEEE FUCKING LOVE ME, STALK ME, LEAVE ME NOTES SND LETTERS AND FUCKING GIFTS AND CUDDLE ME IN MY BED WHILE I SLEEP, STEAL SOME CLOTHES FOR A DAY JUST TO SEE IF I NOTICED YOUR WEARING MY SHIRT AT SCHOOL OR SOMETHING AND REGURN IT THE NEXT DAY, PLEASE JUST FUCKING LOVE ME I NEED TO BE LOVED THE WAY I WANT TO BE LOVED RIVHT MOW HOLY FUCK

MY EYES ARE RED, BUT NOT IN REALITY, CUZ I CANT FUCKING CRY ABOUT IT. I FUCKING HATE THAT I FUCKING HATE IT FICKFKDISHXKS THIS SHIT IS SO STUPIDLY ARVHSBD I DON'T KNOW WHY I DETACHED SO EASILY, WHY I MADE MYSELF SO SAD AND FUCKING BROKEN SND MY HEART BURNED WHEN I LOVED HIM AND EE WERE TOGETHER, AM I SELFISH??!!, DID I FUCKING DO SOMETHING AND LOSE THE POSSIBLE LOVE OF MY LIFE???!! I KNOW I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG, HE DIDN'T EITHER, AND WE'RE STILL FRIENDS BUT I CANT HELP BUT FEEL LIKE I LOST MY SOULMATE.

anyways I'm never getting back with my ex rn 🫶🫶 but I just need a fucking night stalker or even DAY stalker man, I just need them to obsess over me and shower me with attention, I need them to be unable to hold themselves back when I lay in bed and they think I'm asleep so they cuddle me- but I'm actually awake and they pour n spill all their obsession into sweet whispers and I can just cuddle them back, as if I've been asleep the whole time

Someone DEAD GOD SOMEONE please just be that person. I need someone so bad right now, but I know I'm being selfish and I need to relax and just wait. I don't want to hurt someone on accident if I just turned out to be trying to cope with my breakup that I feel bad for not feeling as broken-up about for, I just don't know who I'm going to be in love with.

I don't know how I'm supposed to be in love if I've never experienced it except ONCE. I've never seen him again, never will, and I still fucking cry over it 7 or more or less years later. I just need some sweet "unrealistic" romance right now dear God 🙁

[babithyn]

November 21st, 2023

tw~ed

So i accidentally only ate 2 rice cakes with peanut butter and honey yesterday. Like it wasn’t intentional i just had to do so many things and i was exhausted.

I had to take my daughter to the dr. because of some problems with her umbilical cord. Then i had to put together her stroller when we got home.

I mean i also had a coffee from starbucks cause i was exhausted from staying up all night taking care of my baby.

What sucks even more is that i didnt even finish the stroller. i only have one more piece but still i have a huge mess in my living room.

Also, my bf who slept most of the night fell asleep with me, woke up and went to the gym. which i didn’t mind. what i did mind is him waking me up throughout the day to feed our daughter when he damn well couldve fed and changed her.

I would take the bottle he heated up and he would leave the room. I would accidentally fall asleep, bottle in hand without grabbing our daughter to feed her. And instead of him just being like, “you know what shes really tired i might as well feed our daughter.” He would wake me up and tell me to feed her or change her or whatever.

Of course im going to take care of our daughter, i love my little monster. But i could use the help when im that exhausted.

My frustration is peaked cuz i was so tired i slept all night as well and still was waking up ever 1-3hours to a screaming infant and who had to take care of her? that would be my ass.

In other news i lost another 2lbs so im happy about that. But idk what my dr. is going to say about that cuz ive lost A LOT since i gave birth. I just dont want any problems.

But tn im having a really hard time convincing myself to eat. Like ive been awake since 7am, its now almost 1 and i still havent eaten. i know i have to eat but the thought of eating rn makes me nauseous and anxious.

I havent breastfed or pumped in 2days and somehow my boobs dont hurt. which tells me im not producing enough milk and i know its from not eating. i honestly feel like a horrible mom.

Like fuck! why cant i just be a normal person and not worry about my weight and how i look until my daughter starts eating actual food?

anyways as alwaysthanks for coming to my ted talk. stay safe:)

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Let's play the fun game I like to call "Is it mania, or am I finally happy?"

[gossiping-about-dead-ppl]

tw: swearing and me being fucking pissed

i was sleeping soundly in my bed when i heard something rustling in the sheets besides me. i didn't rly think about it, its like the middle of the night, do ya think ill be thinking rationally?

i wake up a lil with my groggy noggin and i write it off as it just being the fan thats on in my room cuz its like 3000°C in europe rn we are melting pls help

but... its just a lil too loud and i could kinda feel something walking around in my bed

finally the anxiety kicks in, i shoot up and look at what is on the other side of my bed, and what to i fucking see?

two glowing red eyes just fucking staring into my soul

i get so scared i literally fall of the bed and whiel on the floor i grap my phone and shine a light and the intrudor on my bed.

what do i see? FUCKING GEORGE THE CAT

GEORGE GOT INTO MY BED

i catch my breath again because i was edging on a panic attack and im like "hey bud, what the fuck?"

ya see George is strictly an outdoors cat, like he isn't even technically mine, hes our neighbors cat that the village just adopted

SO HOW THE FUCK DID HE GET INTO MY FUCKING ROOM?????

i slowly get the cat back outside and i lay in my bed shaking because the lil bitch scared me so bad

i slowly drift off to dream land once again when an another thing wakes me up.

A REALLY LOUD AND REALLY CLOSE BY CAT FIGHT

this is where i draw the line. no. i refuse.

i dart into my dads bedroom bc lmao fuck no im NOT dealing with this and hes already awake

"hey dad there was a cat fight outside"

"Lancelot, it wasn't outside, some cats got into my room and they started fighting on the bed"

"oh"

turns out George got into the house AGAIN in the span of MINUTES and found and ANOTHER CAT that was ALREDY INSIDE

we check the whole house, lock all of the doors, close all of the windows, and this time, no fucking cats are in. the. house.

just. like. its. supposed. to. be.

i get into my bed once again, and get ready for sleep. I just almost had two anxiety attacks in the span of half an hour, i want to fucking sleep

now, one thing about me- when i get woken up i just cant go back to sleep. i cant take naps in the middle of the day, if i get woken up in the middle of the night i wont be able to fall asleep again. its just one of the wanders that happens when you have insomnia.

but im all cozy in my bed, all scrunched up and confy and im kinda falling back asleep, what could possibly go wrong?

a cricket

a fucking cricket got into my room

the voice in my head let out such a string of profanities ans swear words in like 5 different languages that i think i would even be kicked off of tumblr if i said them

its still cricketing in the corner and i cant get into that corner to kill it because its covered my boxes and shit i can't move

at this point im done, i give up, it 5:04am and i give up with life

sleep is for the weak i guees, and nature is trying to give me a panic attack

NEVER on the last FOURTEEN YEARS that i have vacationed here WHICH IS ALL OF MY LIFE, NEVER ONCE HAS A CAT OR CRICKET GOTTEN INTO THE HOUSE

i am done. i fucking give up. no sleep for me i guess. the cricket is still cricketing in my room as i write this ans its making me even angrier.

anyways, if anyone wants to chat rn, im bored and have like an hour to sunset

[cerberulix]

Heck Yeah do 1-47 😎😎😎

ooh! an ask! :D

1.Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend? dont mind either but i have a gf rn!

2.When did your last hug take place? today at like 2pm something

3.Are you a jealous person? depends, but mostly yeah

4.Are you tired right now? hell ye

5.Do you chew on your straws? ofc, how are there ppl who dont???

6.Have you ever been called a tease? u h sometimes?

7.Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? nope i think i’ll straight up pass out

8.Do you cry easily? not in front of people but alone? definitely

9.What should you be doing right now? homework but we dont talk about that

10.Are you a heavy sleeper? not really? but i do fall asleep in the blink of an eye

11.Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months? big yes, i love my gf uwu

12.Are you mad at someone right now? kind of, im pe t t y

13.Do you believe in love? yes :D

14.What makes you laugh no matter what? i have no idea, my humour is all over the place but probably talking with the group i sit with at lunch 

15.Who was the last person you talked to? my girlfriend :>

16.Do you get butterflies around the person you like? yep

17.Will you get married? dont know- 

18.When was the last time you smiled? a few minutes ago? sometimes i smile without knowing tho

19.Does anyone like you? surprisingly, yes 

20.Do you secretly like someone? yep but not secretly 

21.Who was the first person you talked to today? my mom 

22.Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? one of my friends and my gf

23.What are you NOT looking forward to? french project and STEM fair stuff :(

24.What ARE you looking forward to? buying a lixie doll for christmas and receiving two packages i ordered before hehe 

25.Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you, and meant it? nope lmao

26.Suppose you see your ex kissing another person what would you do? look away? watching people like that is weird and if they’re an ex then not my business anyways

27.Do you plan on moving out within the next year? not at all

28.Are you a forgiving person? depends on the person but i want to work on being more forgiving

29.How many TRUE friends do you have? probably like 2-3

30.Do you fall for people easily? sometimes?

31.Have you ever fallen for your ex’s best friend? nope

32.What’s the last thing you put in your mouth? milk tea bottle yum

33.Who was the last person you drove with? my mom 

34.How late did you stay up last night and why? lately, til 3, i really need to change that

35.If you could move somewhere else, would you? yep

36.Who was the last person you took a picture of? friends wrestling 

37.Can you live a day without TV? yeah, havent watched tv in months anyways

38.When was the last time you were extremely disappointed? when i couldn’t partner up with someone i wanted for a project

39.Three names you go by.. i only have one and its my real name

40.Are you currently in a relationship? mhm 

41.What is your all-time favorite romance movie? i dont remember any

42.Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate? sure? but nothing is definite 

43.What’s your current problem? h om e wo r k and he ad ach e 

44.Have you ever had your heart broken? what counts as a heartbreak- but probably yea

45.Your thoughts of long distance relationships? its hard cuz lots of times you wanna be physically with that person but its manageable for me,, sometimes 

46.How many kids do you want to have? no idea

47.Have you ever found it hard to tell someone you like them? oh ye a 

[matronaa]

Jungkook “fuckboy?” drabble

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Word count: 1,637

Genre: Fluff/mentions of smut?

Okay look its about 1 in the morning while im writing this and i just got done literally scrolling thru @jungshookz  e n t i r e page and honestly ive been delusionally laughing over her stories for like an hour and a half like the tattooartist!jungkook fic legit killed me i love it  and i’m probably going to force my friend to check her out because legit i love it so much and she seems like such a funny person and if she sees this 1) ily and ur writing and i wanna be friends but idk how to start a conversation because im a awKwARd bEan and 2) im sorry for probably spamming ur notifications with likes okay i couldnt help it so now im inspired for the first time in a while to write but im way to loopy to put together an actual fic so enjoy this ig

Okay i should stop rambling (okay just note that im so sleep deprived that i had to google ‘words for excessive talking’ to remember the word rambling because im an idiot and i cant think and ooo its 1:11 am rn make a wish b*tches)

Okay im sorry ill begin~

A/n all of this is completely unedited and if bad grammar annoys you srry not srry

Lets talk about what fuckboy!jungkook is oki

I feel like in reality there are just a bunch of rumors about him but hes so smol and hes the quiet type so he doesnt have the energy to dismiss them

Like im sorry soft jungkook is way to good in my mind rn okay #cuddles4days im not in the mood for him to strangle me with his amazing biceps

Anyway

you never rlly met him in the 4 years of going to the same highschool as him (since you’re in those smart people classes like humanities) until senior year

You and him had the same AP Lit. class lmao english class is  l i t

Which surprised you bc of the rumors like i thought he was a badboy ?? arent those normally idiots ??

Nah my bby is a smart nugget, he just likes to look hella bf 25/8

First day of school cliche where you show up late to class and have to sit next to him because i  d i e  for those plots okay

But you dont know thats him because you’ve never seen him, so you’re confused on why most of the girls keep glaring at you

But soon enough you catch on and you’re like fml

And then the professor is like “where you are sitting is your assigned seating for the rest of the year” and you’re like f m L

He ends up introducing himself to you because i mean like table buddies

But hes really nervous because hes a cute little bean and you’re hella cute cuz lets be honest ur probably wearing like basic black leggings and a hoodie with your hood over your head to hide the bed hair you didnt feel like brushing that morning

Oh, just me? Okay…

He likes ur name because it rolls off the tongue and he thinks it suits you even tho he doesnt know you

Yet ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

You dont really think hes a fuckboy because he seems so nice and he has the cutest lil bunny smile sEE

That is until after school u end up getting to ur locker late because u left something in one of your classes

And u see him pinning a girl against the lockers down the hall

And ur like well shit nvm

And u quickly get ur shit and go because das  a w k w a r d

But then he sees u run off and hes like awh crap i dun fucked up

A few weeks go by and u notice he barely really comes to class so u usually sit alone

On days he does come his chair seems extra close to yours and he’s basically smothering you

But u dont mind because he smells nice

And on the days he does come you get kinda excited because

1) you get a partner who doesnt expect you to do all of the work

2) this boy cute when he gets all intelligent

Ur  like “yes pls continue speaking about the essay we are writing that i have no idea is on because i kept getting lost in the sound of ur voice”

He notices when u zone out because you start staring at his lips when hes talking and he thinks its the cutest thing

One day u get assigned a week long project and ur close enough friends with jungkook to basically scold and force him to come to class all week

But only if he can force u to come to his house to work on it after school

Which you’re low key nervous of because ur going to a ‘fuckboy’s house’ by yourself

And u dont wanna do the dirty because ur a pure child haha not for long

But you agree anyway

And honestly even after the project is done (which you got an A on) you continue going over to his house because his bed is comfortable and he always has snacks

And his mom loves you

Like legit on days you dont go the next day you do she’s like “wheRE WERE YOU”

When the semester is over the professor lets you pick seats but you both enjoy each other’s company so you stay seated together.

finally ur at his house one day and ur just laying on his bed scrolling thru insta and he’s sitting on his bean bag in the corner on his phone and u look up at him and realise

Shit

You like him

Like a lot

And u mentally face palm because this was not supposed to happen

But it happened and you’re too far down the hole to climb out

Sometimes u end up napping at his house after school because his bed is more comfortable than yours and one friday night u wake up in his arms

And its like the best feeling ever

Its so warm and hes so cuddly hes like latched onto you

You stay under the warm blankets before you question when he even got in bed since he was playing video games before you fell asleep

And then his phone lights up and ofc you check it for him bc ur a nosey bitch

But not before you observed how adorable he was while he was sleeping

Nope not creepy at all

its his friend tae texting him (you didn’t really know his friends since you had different friend groups)

You check it and its smth like “stop staring at y/n while shes sleeping and reply u creep”

And you’re like w a t

So you scroll up and see that while u were sleeping jungkook went on a full rant on how cute u are and how whipped he is

And ur like holy fadoodles dis boy likes me

And so u decided to text tae like “this is y/n, does he actually like me”

Which turns into you both having a convo on how thirsty jungkook is until he wakes up

Hes like wtf r u doing and he snatches the phone and reads through your messages with tae while u like sit up to stare at him

And he’s still half asleep so it takes him to realise whats going on

“Omfg y/n i can explain-”

He starts rambling about how long he had been crushing on u and that he didn’t want to tell you because you seemed uninterested so he kept it a secret and never told anyone

And honestly he was freaking out because the onE tiMe he tells anyone that he likes you, you find out

But while he’s rambling you’re coming up with an excuse to text your mom that you’re spending the night at his house, so you just say he’s not feeling well and his parents are gone for the weekend.

Lmao she doesnt care she’s just like “lmao ik ur lying but have fun dont get pregnant”

Or Maybe thats just my mom idk

You have to shut him up by snatching his phone out of his hands and kissing him

When you pull away you’re just like “you talk too much lmao”

You explain to him that you like him too and u just get under the covers again and snuggle up next to him, and he wraps his arms around you

And you stay like that for a while before hes like “its late you should get home”

And you tell him you’re staying the night whether he likes it or not

And he is so down for that

But then you end up just spending the weekend there because why not his parents love you

And every night is just filled with cuddling, watching netflix, making out, late night snacks, etc.

Saturday night he gets a lil touchy and soon enough ur like straddling him and grinding your hips against his

But then he’s like “Ive never done this before” and you c o m b u s t

Ur like aren’t you like the school fuckboy how have you not done this

And he tells you its all just rumors and hes too lazy to set the record straight

And you basically decide to take things slow that night since it was you’re first time too and honestly it was so cute

It wasn’t really steamy rough sex it was more soft fluffy love making that is filled with giggling and exploring and appreciating each other

That was definitely the night you fell in love with him

Which is big because you thought love was gross

The next day you’re cuddling and he’s like “you know ur my gf now”

And ur like duh

You start going on cute dates after that like going to cafes or amusement parks

He loved taking you to the beach during the summer because u looked gr8 in a bikini

You found out you were going to the same college with was fantastic, so you decided to rent an apartment together nearby the campus instead of living in a dorm.

Which normally you’d be against because moving in together so quickly ?? but you felt different like this relationship was going to last

UNTIL HE CHEATED

Lmao jk gotcha bitch

My baby is too pure and innocent to cheat

Well innocent until you both get into bed and then oh lord it gets steamy

He wants to experiment with like e v e r y t h i n g and honestly you were down

But ofc you set some boundaries.

There were lines he couldn’t cross

I mean sometimes he tried but you shut that down real quick

Overall your relationship was perfect and you couldn’t ask for a better boyfriend

I mean he brought you pizza rolls and dr pepper to ‘study dates’ how could you not love him.

Oml it took me over an hour to write this its like 2:30 am why am i awake anyway imma go to bed now, idk ur name jungshookz but pls write more fanfics i need more to read late at night okay gnite

[ronsgayplace]

Long post with lots of CWs

Cw swearing, suicide, gender dysphoria, disabilities, physical pain, mental health probs, menstration, death, drugs, nazis, end of the world

Aaaah this post is a lot of ranting and maybe not for the faint of heart or anyone who might get worried about me.

Like i knoowwwww this pain I feel is magnified by a lot of shit like pms and dysphoria for example. Also cramps. I have cramps and my period isn’t for 5 more days. Thanks body, you asshole.

Like damn can’t I just sleep? Or fall asleep silently crying without getting a sinus headache from trying to cry quietly for my roommates’ sake??

There’s so much yet so little wrong.

The world is literally ending and falling apart.

Yet I want to die anyway so good I guess?

My body is a huge fucking mess. Physical health problems such as bad joints, shoulder and back pain from having huge tits I hate, bladder problems from being scared to use the school bathroom as a kid cuz it was germy so I held it in too much, cysts on my fucking useless ovaries that hurtt, my eyes don’t see things right and it makes me scared to drive, getting sick every month or so cuz fuck if I know but it sucks, stomach and guts problems that are pretty stupid too.

But omg my mental health?? Like my anxiety and sensory stuff is wild. My ease into sliding into sucidal thoughts is worrisome to say the least. Memory issues cuz of the weed I used to smoke as a youngin, the stress I was always under, or the fucking psych meds I’ve been on since the age 14. Oh and I either need to drink a shit ton of caffeine(mountain dew) to stay awake daily or I fall asleep sitting up.

And please don’t get me started on the dysphoria here people. My god I’m getting started! I hate my chest it hurts me so much lately, like physically. Plus like I dislike them more and more as time goes on. I literally want to lose weight just so maybe they’ll go away. But like top surgery seems so far away and I’m not knowledgeable on the process. And I know very little about T too. I just want my face too look less femme and stupid. And my tits not to be there or be so fucking huge. Idk my dudes. My period is crazy dysphoria inducing and I’m crying and aaahhh

I can’t fucking sleep.

I have a project due tomorrow and I barely have anything done and I wanted to wake up early to work on it all day but GUESS NOT. GUESS IM A FUCKING MESS AT 2am again.

Why am I even in college rn. I’m gunna die in a few years tops. And I’m gunna not get anything useful out of this. Just putting off my career of nothingness and cashiering till I die artfully by starving.

Abilty to hold a job? With this mess of a flesh vessel? HA!

Oh and I had a lil party tonight. In which I cried at the end of the night. We watched a apocalyptic movie and I cried like damn I might die cuz that dbag might actually get the nazis to kill me and the world is actually ending and oh god. Or I might just kill myself like fuck if I’ll let the nazis win, my man.

Oh and I missed my two best friends tonight too. God damn it are all the feelings dumb tonight.

I’m lucky I have a small amount of family and Marina and some good glimpses of happiness that I can remember when it’s not 2am and I’m crying in my apartment in my underwear before my period and after a long ass day. God knows what would happen if I didn’t have those things. I mean I knows what would happen. But I’m not gunna say it cuz I basically already did like half a dozen times in this post.

[abcdosaka]

i took some cough syrup today and i feel like clocking out of reality already its only 7 pm. and i woke up at like 10 after sleeping around 12 last night. jesus.

its cuz i had a bad fever 2 days ago + had to go to ******** that day which took like 5 hours and we were moving furniture. when i got home i had a pounding headache i was hot and cold and tingly like it was just sooo bad. a 38.9 fever which tbh is not as bad as it could have been but it was pretty damn bad. i immediately fell unconscious (cant even describe it as asleep) and i was basically drifting in and out of the real world every like 3 hours, switching between the bed and the couch. just fucked up. yesterday was alright, today was a bit better, but again that cough syrup and the aftereffects of this illness have been knocking me out. i feel bad for my liver bc ive been taking a loooot of acetaminophen and aspirin.

if i sleep now i wont be able to sleep at night. and i shouldnt shower even though thats the only thing that will make me feel awake. also my hair is super greasy. i have to go to *** again in 2 days so i can just shower tomorrow but still.

anyway i dont think its covid bc its not lasting for super long, nor has anyone else in my family been infected despite the fact that ive literally been coughing and sneezing everywhere, and i can still taste food and stuff. if it is then idk, kinda would be sad but then again it felt inevitable at some point. i just hope i dont get long covid. thats all im afraid of.

i wanted to get tested but apparently it actually fuckin costs money and a lot of places only test asymptomatic ppl + theres, i guess a shortage? of tests rn bc of the holidays which is pretty annoying. so nvm.

[gulescamisade]

Minnesota:  Day 4

JAKE: -Another night is going by, he's pretty sure. And he's so sweaty, hungry, and thirsty. If their captors had left food or water for him, Jake promptly turned it down as he felt was the NATURAL THING TO DO. He heard what became of those mushroom tests from LOWAS. None of this was exactly ideal... He groans miserably, rubbing his tum of awful hunger pains. The headaches and dry throat.-

JAMES: -continuing his meditation and fasting. Energy continues to be conserved and though he is hungry, it's not the worst he's experienced. He only hopes the fact that it's gone quiet these past few hours can only be a good thing. No news is good news, James tells himself. It's the only thing he can do.-

ROXY: =Things seem quiet..... she leans against her wall and tap tap........ who's next to her. TAPS=

JAMES: -The only one who is paying attention is James. Leans back to the wall and taps in response.-

JAKE: -curled up in a ball, having cried himself into another headache nap.-

ROXY: =Baby no........ she taps out [HOLD ONTO YOUR BUTT] in morse code then POOFs over into the next cell.=

JAMES: -sitting crosslegged with his whole button up and slack combos. Professional even in these dire circumstances. James looking a little haggard what with his hair out of place, but still alert. Ready for action if need be.- ROXY.

JAMES: ....I AM RELIEVED TO SEE YOU.

JAMES: YOU ARE NOT HURT, ARE YOU?

ROXY: =She's definitely been sweating but she didn't wanna flaunt her powers too much since they expect shit of her but... she can't just. Let them go without. Whoever else is here. She rushes over to him too= glad 2 see u too im fine

ROXY: u gotta grocery list? im ur gal call me target cuz wal marts 2 trashy and im the height of supermarket class

ROXY: not whole foods class tho thats borderin in2 pretentious

JAMES: -knits his eyebrows.- ...ARE YOU OFFERING FOOD?

ROXY: anythin u need that u can hide and food definitely

JAMES: -nods promptly- WATER. DRIED FRUIT. CRACKERS. PROTEINS. ANYTHING WITH NUTRITIONAL VALUE.(edited)

ROXY: gotcha =she finger waggles up a storm dropping two sturdy sacks of water, dried fruits in thin bags along with crackers and little bite-sized pieces of protein bars=

JAMES: -seems to be wiggling something out of the sole of his shoe.-

JAMES: -as it turns out, it is a single playing card. Flips it over the supplies as kind of single-slot emergency sylladex and stores it away.-

JAMES: I CANNOT EXPRESS MY GRATITUDE. BUT QUICKLY.

JAMES: TEND TO THE OTHER PRISONERS. JAKE IS HERE.(edited)

ROXY: =That's so cool... and a good idea= hope u dont mind me stealin ur idea.....

ROXY: =gestures to the other wall= is he over here u think? =taps??? TAPS=

JAMES: IT'S QUITE POSSIBLE. -What with hearing him yowl up a storm before.-

JAMES: TREAD CAREFULLY.

ROXY: never but ill try =two finger salute and BLIPS into the cell next to James'=

JAKE: -lying huddled in his corner like a sad dog, his back turned towards the door. Something about the BLIP stirs him awake, however, and he begins to wake up. Squinting with a bleariness around.- ....Rock and rolloxy?

ROXY: .....baby...... :C

ROXY: i gotta make it quick but do u need a hug?

JAKE: -it even hurts to cry but he's doing it anyway, rolling up to sit.- Yes... 8'C

ROXY: awww cmere =quickly shuffles over to give him a big strong hug=

ROXY: tell me wut u need and we can work it out... idk where we are and idk how many of us are in here....

ROXY: idk where everyone else is

JAKE: -weeps into her shoulder. Two smelly baras hugging it out.- Ive no idea either. Its—

JAKE: Cant i know if my sons are alright?? Oh rox its so cruel.

ROXY: i... wish i knew jakey boy.... if i could id get us a thing to try n get in2 this system but... that needs time and theyd be onto me lol...... not lol

ROXY: but well get outta this mess

JAKE: -scrubs at his face, so blotched and red with tears.- Well... well bust out of here! I know we will!

JAKE: And when we do they wont even know what hit them!

JAKE: Id do so right now if you gave the word. -looks off.- Maybe...

JAKE: Someone can help us?

ROXY: maybe but right now we can help each other =cups his face and kisses his forehead= ROXY: ill go scopin later.... try 2 see whats up

ROXY: maybe i can find every1

ROXY: but rn tell me what u need

JAKE: -smiles for the first time in a few days, warmed by the gesture. But then remembers what he's doing.- Shit uhh—

JAKE: Water and substantial edibles i think is a good start. -rubs his sad empty tum.-

ROXY: its the best start =smiles back at him then gets to work just giving him the same supplies she gave James= just hide em when someone comes u kno

ROXY: prison smugglin drills

JAKE: !!!

JAKE: Cripes this is just like magic...

JAKE: ... -looks around his cell.-

JAKE: Where ought i hide it?

ROXY: mmm ..... i might hafta steal a idea i saw from james hes ur neighbor btw

ROXY: =focuses......... tries to make the one dump sylladex card= this might work i think slip it in ur mustache lol or just like somewhere discreet

JAKE: Holy moly! -accepts the 1 dump sylladex card if she manages it.- Is this what i think it is?

JAKE: -Automatically believing that it's a 1 dump sylladex card so whether she DOES manage it, the card is already what she intends it to be.-

JAKE: -giving it a look over- :D

JAKE: -tucks it into the safety of his back pocket. Sitting on it now.-

ROXY: =bless u jake= good beans bby

ROXY: ill be back sometime keep ur spirits up ok?

JAKE: Yes ma am o whamma! -salutes her swiftfly. His spirits are in much better places than they were before.-

ROXY: good! =poof, she's outta there=

JAKE: -brimming with hope now and makes swift work of these dried fruits. Chugs what he can of the water.-

JAKE: -wiping off his mustache, he feels his willpower RENEWED. Better than ever.-

JAKE: -And if Roxy can pull her magic off, why the blazes can't he??? Jake rolls to stand, channeling that spark of hope to manifestation.-

(DIRK): -he puts the MAN in MANIFEST. extends leg, here is brain ghost dirk.-

(DIRK): Hey, that's the first time you summoned me consciously and not as the result of a homoerotic fantasy. Good job.

JAKE: -jumps as his voice comes up but brightens his scruffy self up immediately.- Dirk!

JAKE: Brain ghost! Youre here!

(DIRK): Yeah.

(DIRK): What are you gonna do with me now that I'm here? -lol and then what-

JAKE: -swiftly whaps the ishades off his face.- Give me that!

(DIRK): What the fuck. -covers his face. DON'T LOOK AT ME. he's being ironic mostly-

JAKE: -thrusting them onto his own face. Instant computer.- Hoo. Alright now. I need to contact the crew.

JAKE: Mind if i hornswoggle you of your pester client? Of course you do! -logging into his account.-

(DIRK): My pester client is imaginary, but alright.

JAKE: Huh? No its not? -It's not, Dirk. Look at it working. How??? Magic is how.-

(DIRK): -fucking incredible-

(DIRK): -obnoxiously hovers behind him-

(DIRK): It's almost like you have the ability to make anything a reality.

JAKE: -typing frantically, heart hammering as it actually DOES seem to work.- Shut up will you???

(DIRK): A dude summons you into his realm of existance just to tell you to shut up. Nice one.

JAKE: -Seeing everyone online makes his insides lurch painfully so he's only half paying attention to BGD. His franticness making his eyes water again as in the middle of the message, the connection severs.- Its—

JAKE: Its breaking up! -says with his concentration fizzling.-

(DIRK): Well don't give up.

(DIRK): Do something about it.

JAKE: Im trying damn you! Cant you see?? -says, clutching at the shades.-

(DIRK): And I'm telling you to try harder.

(DIRK): You have it in you to do this.

JAKE: -practically choking with frustration and wills the last bit of connection out of sheer spite. The last message gets through before cutting off completely.-

(DIRK): ...

(DIRK): There you go.

JAKE: -He is just never going to stop being tearstruck at this point. Obligatorily hands BGD his shades.-

JAKE: -His vision is swimming as his hand drops, looking at brain ghost now. Dirk knows Jake loves him doesn't he? Of course he does, a voice tells Jake predictably. It's what he wants to hear, it's the truth that he knows deep down in his heart and it's what BGD was basically scripted to say.-

JAKE: -So why was he still so miserable? He's gotta ask anyway.-

JAKE: He knows i love him right? Id do anything for him?

(DIRK): ... Of course he knows that.

(DIRK): He's probably driving himself up a wall cuz he can't tell you the same thing.

JAKE: -wipes at his nose.- I miss him something tremendous.

JAKE: You would think dodging near death experiences on a regular basis would make this easier to bear. But it doesnt.

JAKE: It really doesnt.

(DIRK): They're coming for you, you know. -he knows this because jake has to know this.-

(DIRK): ... -offers jake his hand to hold-

JAKE: -takes the hand, too dried up to cry in earnest anymore. His shoulders only sag.- At least i have you.

(DIRK): You'll always have me.

JAKE: -keeps their fingers twined together but gives up once their shoulders brush. Just rests his head against BGD, tired all over again.- Jeez louise dirk....

JAKE: Youre always so.

JAKE: You.

(DIRK): It's no coincidence. -leans on him too-

(DIRK): That's the way you want me to be.

JAKE: Shucks. Then i must be stock full of good ideas. -lets his eyes start to drift closed...-

(DIRK): Must be. -yes shhh sleep. it'll get better soon. just believe in that, jake-

JAKE: -having close company to fall asleep with is infitintely better than sleeping alone. Jake has decided this here and now.-