#if i interest myself in too many other things my entire identity will turn to sand and blow away

[summergoodwife]

love being a language nerd with autism but also HATE being a language nerd with autism. what do you mean i need to get interested in new topics and media or else i dont get to learn the thing i wanna learn. am i a dog to you

[wanderingcritter]

Hello! I have some questions for you, if you don't mind.

What does transspecies mean to you?

How did you discover you were transspecies?

How do you feel about the myth that transspecies makes fun of transgender people?

How do you feel about the idea that transspecies should not be used or people who are transspecies should stay hidden because it can be used against the transgender community

(A controversial one) Why did rad-q takeover the transspecies term, how does that effect the alterhuman community, and how do you feel about it?

Hi thank you sm for asking hehe :3 I love getting to talk about this stuff (and knowing that others are interested in hearing about it lol)

Long ass post below the cut

1. To me, transspecies is the rawest, most direct way for me to express my nonhumanity. It cuts through a lot of the vagueness and nuance of some other nonhuman labels (not that there's anything wrong with that ofc) and gets straight to the point: Im not entirely human and want to be acknowledged as such by my peers and society at large. It emphasizes my desire to move through life as nonhuman, and that there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I also like that it challenges the narrative of human superiority and the idea that species identity is purely biology based. For me personally, it also ties into my experience with being transgender, as I often see my gender as being partially nonhuman. Many things that are gender affirming are also species affirming and vice versa. But obviously you don't have to be transgender to be transspecies, one of my irl packmates and close friend is cisgender transspecies and she's awesome <3

2. It wasn't so much a "discovery" for me. My transspecies identity is very closely tied to my therianthropy, the species I identify as and see myself transitioning into are also all kintypes. So after I realized I was a therianthrope, it was kind of just a slow realization that it was also a label that fit my experiences well. Like most alterhumans I had heard the word used as a weapon against transgender people and alterhumans, so I had a very negative perception of it for a long time. I think the first time I ever heard it referred to in a not-outright-negative sense was in PDTherians "Trans-species?!" youtube video (which I do not recommend as a source of education at all it's a very flawed video that's riddled with misinformation) a few years back, and from there I slowly started to open up to the idea and yeah. The rest is history pretty much lol

3. To some degree I actually can empathize with the stance because I used to be in the same camp, and I know from experience that for a lot of folks it's just well intentioned but misplaced passion of trans liberation. But at the same time it's still a harmful belief and one I grew out of because I matured and learned more about the communities I was part of. Anytime you cast judgement onto a group of people with a harmless identity/belief/interest for the sole purpose of "they're too weird", that harms everyone, not just that group. In this case, hatred against transspecies folks implies that there is a right and a wrong way to be queer/trans, which is harmful not only to nonhumans but to all queer individuals.

4. I think it's bullshit lmao. Shying away from it and outcasting the people who use it does absolutely nothing but divide us further and make us an easier target for discrimination. Categorizing it as a community taboo just turns it into ammunition for transphobes and anti-alterhumans alike. Turning against each other and fighting over stupid shit like labels is exactly what oppressors want, a house divided against itself cannot stand. It also just doesn't make sense, species identity is socially constructed, similar to gender, so why should people be forbidden from using a word to describe that experience just because it's misunderstood?

5. I honestly have no idea why radqueers do anything at all lmaoooo. But if I had to guess, I think it's because on some level, they know that nobody with any semblance of social education or moral compass is ever going to be on board with their beliefs, so instead of trying to fight a losing battle they just barge their way into other small, marginalized, and outcasted groups (alterhuman, altage, paraphiles, etc.) and try to claim them as "part of them". It's a lot easier to tell a group of people "Hey you guys are actually just like us so you need to support our ideology because otherwise you're just fighting against yourself" than it is to try to convince them from scratch that you're not a horrible person.

As for how it's impacted the alterhuman community, Im not entirely sure but luckily I think its effects have been fairly minimal thus far. The alterhuman community is significantly bigger and older than the rq community, I've only ever run into rqs on Tumblr and even here Ive met transspecies folks who had never heard of radqueers before. I think its biggest impacts have been on the transspecies niche specifically, since they often try to lump it in with transid's like "transrace" and "transharmful", which leads to the assumption from outsiders that they're inherently connected and that all transspecies folks agree with those stances as well. But I think as transspecies and alterhumanity as a whole slowly becomes less stigmatized and more widely understood over time, that belief will also fade and die off.

Sorry for the massive text wall lmao, I hope that wasn't too much info. But again thank you sm for asking ^^ I think it's super important that folks out there are interested in learning more about this stuff and that alterhumans are able to communicate their experiences to one another <3

[clown-prince-of-gay]

Happy Pride everyone~~

I drew me and my lovely boyfriend @king-of-vertigo, (I love you honeybee~), We are being gay and transing all your children. Watch out or you're next.

Anyways. Happy Pride to those who celebrate. (And especially happy pride slay queen girlypop month to those who don't) Under the cut I'll have each flag and an explanation of what it means to me~

Likes and reblogs appreciated!! Do not repost!

I would like to preface this with: I am not an expert in all of these identities (despite being a part of them) and my connection to them is hugely shaped by my own experience and interpretation of each label. My only hope with all this is to hopefully make someone feel less alone, (because my god i spent a long time finding some of these labels-)

Aceflux

Aceflux us defined as a person with a fluctuating feeing of sexual attraction to others, I sort of think of it like a dial being turned up and down based on the moment. (there are also romantic and aroace versions of the label I beleive, along with another variation of the flag with a purple/red gradient striping.)

In my own experience that results in differing kinds of days, some where I feel really strong attraction, others where I feel little to none. Sometimes it changes day to day, sometimes its the same for weeks, or it changes throughout the day based on context.

This label was one that took me. An entirely too long time to find. and this is one that feels. right. because I had very flexible and changing feelings and attraction, I knew I could place myself somewhere on the ace spectrum, but not exactly where because it wasn't consistent at all (wowee i wonder why that is because its not like thats the whole thing lmao) and I ended up cycling through so many aspec labels. This is one that I can feel comfortable in, and I'm hoping others resonate with it as well.

Queer

Queer is an umbrella term and very ambiguous identity that can essentially encompass anyone that identifies with it.

So- my sexuality is. incredibly nuanced and complicated when it comes to describing who I find myself romantically, aesthetically, or platonically attracted to (I know there are so many other ways to be attracted to someone, those are just the simplest for me to explain). For example: I can (when allowed by my silly demiromantic ass) be romantically attracted to men and masc (or even non aligned) presenting and identifying people, and I in fact, have a lovely boyfriend whom I love a lot! And as for femme aligned people its more interesting because I don't feel particularly romantically about them, but I can experience aesthetic, or platonic forms of attraction, and Queer is simply a label that I connect with that has the space to encompass all of that.

Demiromantic

Demiromantic is a label that essentially encompasses the idea that an individual doesn't feel romantic attraction to another unless they have an emotional or platonic bond with that person. (there is also an ace and an aroace version, which I think is super neat)

Demiromantic is a label that I personally connect with, be that because I'm naturally incredibly slow to make connections, or maybe connected to the fact that I'm very neurodivergent, (although thats a post for another day-) and feeling comfortable being and feeling romantic about someone is already incredibly rare, and I feel like I need a connection to someone personally until I can feel romantically (I say that like I control when I feel romantic. Its kinda. I dunno I can't control it. this label is just one I felt encompassed it. which is the point.)

Transgender

Transgender is an umbrella term in which someone doesnt connect or identify with the assigned gender given at birth. (I'm very sure I have made it no secret that I am transmasc. We love the transes here)

However. no matter how many labels I find to express and explain my gender being 'masculine' (with several different question marks. I'm a boy in the same way orange soda is the same as a regular orange. same sorta spirit. completely different executions.) above all. I am still trans. and I will always be trans. that's who I am <33

My gender is. an interesting topic. In the way that I have not yet found a label to describe it other than being transmasc. which I know as different to being a trans 'man' in the fact that I didnt transition to be a 'man', not binarily being a man. I bounce between being androgynous and being masculine, but in a way where labels like demigendered/demiboy or boyflux (other labels I've considered) don't seem to fit. because it is in a way where some days I feel more or less masculine to completely genderless. (If anyone can think of a label that fits that- I would love to hear it. I haven't even gotten into My pronoun search. maybe a seperate post on that later.)

[confused-disaster32]

Hi! So you can call this a rant or a vent or whatever I don't rlly care - I just wanted to put some of my opinions out there bc it is eating me inside out to keep my opinions on Alastor's sexuality and all of the discourse about him being shipped to myself.

Also i'd like to state that I'm writing this as someone who is aroace but has no actual wish to be in a romantic relationship and actually struggles to so much as picture what that's be like for myself. I would also like to state how I'm not speaking for the whole community and others will have different opinions to myself.

Firstly - aroace is a spectrum (as someone who is on the aroace spectrum btw) and I completely agree with ppl who say that it is a spectrum and shipping has always existed and you can't rlly stop an entire fandom. My only problem is when ppl completely ignore that he is aroace while doing this, bc to me it seems like there's so much potential to having him have to go through those types of emotions and to write him off as if he's completely allo not only can make some people feel unseen but also just isn't as fun.

Also I kind of believe that he'd possibly date someone for the entertainment - like even if he didn't exactly feel romantic attraction maybe he'd be willing to be around someone closely bc he might like the reactions he'd be getting. (example: he might've stayed in a relationship with Vox maybe not out of pure attraction but if he found out that affection could make the TV short-circuit? He'd be interested)

Adding to that, I personally do not actually ship him with anyone romantically due to his character + the fact that I am projecting my own distaste for romance on him but you do you ig.

Also, on the note of nsfw around him - sometimes you cannot stop a fandom, rule 34 exists and some people who are asexual sometimes may want to have sex and all of that stuff. Personally I think he'd probably be sex-repulsed due to the fact that he canonically has issues with being touched.

ALSO, i personally think that way too many people are brushing over the idea of putting Alastor in a QPR - like that would literally be so awesome.

Alastor x Rosie? Cute af (to me Rosie gives of aro vibes too, but more romance - favourable) like they're already besties and honestly I think that Rosie would defo help him figure out about his identity considering that he's quite obviously not all that sure about slang and stuff.

Vox x Alastor - It has the potential to be SO FUCKING FUN like, you get to experiment with how they feel for each other, maybe what Alastor's got going on bc he died before being aroace was rlly a thing and he'd be confused about how he felt about Vox for sure.

Lucifer x Alastor - I quite like it, ik that Lucifer is supposed to be with Lillith but she did take an extremely long hiatus on her family up in heaven so i think it's okay. Plus the idea of them bonding and becoming close due to Charlie is wonderful.

Even angel and Alastor - maybe after Val Angel doesn't want a super sexual relationship - maybe he's not all that interested in something purely romantic either and though I love huskerdust this would still be pretty cool.

Really all I'm saying is; be considerate. Incorporate the fact that Alastor is Aroace, even if you do ship him - in or out of QPRs - and ofc sometimes writing someone who is part of a group ur not in is difficult (coming from someone who often struggles in writing especially when it comes to romance) but taking a crack at it might actually turn out to be rlly cool.

But please don't ignore his aroace-ness, there's not a huge amount of aroace characters out there and acting like someone isn't can be annoying for ppl who want to find rep around their identity, esp if they haven't seen much before (I can relate and he was one of the first aroace characters I was introduced to after I found out what it meant).

So yeah, that's my piece.

[matthiastalksalot]

what is being aromantic? what is being asexual?

i struggled to grasp both for so long, pushing away these parts of my identity with intense denial and a tad bit of misunderstanding.

this is the first of two parts. i talk a lot. enjoy!

CW: discussions of sex

around a year ago, i had gotten into a relationship with a boy whom i cared for deeply. we both had “crushes” on each other around october of 2022. we shared a brief new years kiss, as friends. life moved on. he got a girlfriend. i thought i had a “crush” on my best friend.

then we were roommates for an overnight school choir trip. we did all of the “romantic” things that couples were supposed to do, all the while claiming it was a joke (clarifying point: his girlfriend was well aware of this. she said that i was her boyfriend’s boyfriend).

however, he felt neglected by his girlfriend during this trip, because she wanted to spend more time with her friend group them with him. he was one of two friends of mine, and so i was always around. i helped comfort him when he felt alone. i hung out with him 24/7, having fun during the day and cuddling in our hotel bed at night.

this trip lasted a total of 4 days. we got back on a sunday. that monday, he broke up with his girlfriend. he called me, and i went out at 11pm to be with him and help him through this breakup. despite him initiating it, he was also heartbroken and distraught.

the following two weeks, we had what i would call a “situationship”. we would cuddle, hold hands, talk, hang out constantly. what we couldn’t do? date. because it was moving on too soon.

eventually, we did start dating. we were the most obnoxious PDA couple my high school had ever seen. sitting on each others laps in the cafeteria, holding hands in choir, ect. i even promposed to him by bringing a door to school in the bed of my pickup truck, and asking him out in front of our class.

you may be thinking- how did such a picture perfect relationship fail? there are many awnsers to this question, but the big one? sex.

we hung out after school daily, and the more time that passed, the more comfortable he was with beginning sex and related activities.

to be clear: we never got far. we made out once. we only did it to see if it was better than i thought it would be, as i truly did not have interest. (it was not. spit. ew.) we did a little grinding here and there, and it felt okay. we would do it for a bit, eventually i would be overstimulated, and we would stop. i would immediately turn back to what we had been doing before, which i later learned hurt his feelings.

i do not find it impossible to have the physical feelings that come with sex.

what he taught me was that i lack emotional connection when it comes to sex. to be quite frank, i found his initiation to be disruptive. i just wanted to cuddle and watch a movie, why do we have to hump and suck necks??

when i told him that i thought i may be asexual, he cried. i had been feeling off, not sure what to say. he asked what was wrong, and when i told him, he cried. he asked many questions, such as “why can’t anything ever be simple? my ex only liked my body, now you come along and fulfill all my emotional needs, but aren’t interested? have you been lying when you called me attractive?”

i comforted him. he told me it was okay, we would figure it out. we broke up weeks later. two days before it happened he tweeted “i miss being sexualized by horny men online”. yeah.

my sexuality wasn’t the only reason for our breakup, but it was a large one. despite this, i did not feel truly comfortable calling myself asexual for months following.

after all, i knew what sexual pleasure felts like.

it took me until the following january to accept myself as asexual.

over winter break in college, i got grindr and met up with a 49 year old. he called himself “erik”, although i strongly doubt that is his real name.

we hooked up. i lied to him, pretended i wasn’t a virgin. the entire thing was so awkward. i told him no kissing or anything related to mouths from the start, as i knew i didn’t like it. he held to that, and we had sex. i got off, so did he, but honestly? not quite what it is cracked up to be.

i almost passed out like three times but i didn’t know what it was or wasn’t supposed to be.

something within me changed that night, as i finally understood the difference between feeling and attraction. i do not feel attraction to anyone sexually. not my ex, not the grindr hookup.

i began to identify as asexual.

i still do, but the way i described it then was “i want to keep my sex and romantic relationships separate. because i am not sexually attracted to my partner, it would feel weird to lead them on by having sex.”

now. i am aromantic. how did we get there? story for another day. perhaps later tonight. perhaps tommorow.

it took me years to figure out my asexual identity. there are so so many naysayers, and people who do not believe in it. in situations like that, it is harder to truly find yourself. but i did. and i am sure if you reading this are in a similar spot, you will as well, in due time.

all my love,

mattisaroace

[goodluckclove]

An Interview Series

Stop Two: A Private Room with @cssnder

When i thought to do this, Cassander Di Angelo was one of the first people I knew would make for good conversation. What resulted was something far more vulnerable on my end than I ever expected. She was kind, insightful, and intelligent as always, but I had to wait a few extra days before posting the log from this stop on my journey.

Join us as we discuss the nuance of identity in person, online, and on the page, and the reasons for why we do what we do.

If you want a closer look into Cassander's fascinating voice, I highly suggest signing up for her Substack. It's free, and you'll get direct access to her writing once it's developed! Now join us on this stop as we meet Cass somewhere quiet and secluded.

Now Playing: You Want it Darker by Leonard Cohen

It was a small, private, room of a quite picturesque sort. No bed, no television. There was a green sofa (one of those hideous things one could only find on sale the day following the death of an elderly, the kind you'd think smell of death but for whatever reason your girlfriend loves it), an antic wooden desk that stood grotesquely in the middle of the room, and an innumerable number of bookshelves. It wasn't much, and yet, the room seemed full.

The most interesting part was not so much the furnitures dressing the room but rather the few other details that were not of real interest when taken separately but created a striking picture when assembled together: the half-played game of solitaire spread on the floor, a selection of colourful ties hanging from the back of the sofa, papers all over the desk and piles of books everywhere but on the shelves.

The window was left open. And, in the morning fog, the sky turned into a pious white while the earthy smell of oak trees filled the cold November air. Melancholic, like a sad tune sang among magnolias.

where are we right now?

In a nameless town where no one knows me.

it's certainly a literary environment. i read through your entire blog so far while i was waiting to talk to you.

I used to be much more active on other platforms — Twitter, mainly. But as time went by, I learnt to love privacy and staying away from social medias. I think Tumblr is the platform I am the most active on, if that says anything about my relationship with the internet.

i have some mixed feelings on your content that i think would make for good conversation if you're open to it.

Sure, tell me.

so we've both been writing for a decade or longer. it's been fourteen years for me, and i think you said it was ten or more for you. would you say your practice up until now has also been very solitary? Yes, definitely.

i got the feeling. i can't cite the exact post, but i read something where you dove into your style of observational nuance, the aspects of strangers you take note of. And i immediately related, as someone who works the same way by instinct, but i found myself cringing. it felt like you were describing something deeply intimate about the creative process that you weren't supposed to put to paper. What I suppose i mean to say is that, after ten years of writing alone, how much do you still work to be understood by others? And to what extent?

Quite frankly, there are times where I feel like I don't really understand myself — maybe it's because I am only twenty-three, perhaps I haven't been human long enough yet to feel too sure on my feet. And I suppose, because of that, I do not expect anyone to understand me.

God, am I aware how it sounds so pessimistic but you know I do not mean it that way. I simply do not want to put unfair expectations on people simply because, in my mind, I was sure they, this person specifically, would understand me. If that makes sense? Plus, there are so many sides of us. I don't think we ever understand ourselves a hundred percent. So how could other people?

it's a strange juxtaposition to have that mindset and also be a writer and actor. someone might assume those are two mediums where the person is a vessel meant to relay an intent of some kind. to be comprehended, so to speak.

I think I do not necessarily want to be comprehended but rather offer something to other people — a minute of distraction, them feeling seen, or simply some inspiration. It's not to much about me but rather about them?

I remember something Margaret Atwood said in one videos. I saw it a long time ago so it's not verbatim, of course. But she said that once a book is out in the world, it's not yours anymore. No matter the message you put in it, everyone will interpret it as they want. Of course, it's better if they get what's written as you've written it. But you also have to accept that, most of the time, everyone will take what they want and leave the rest.

are you lonely? creating art as just an offering to the world sounds to me like the objective of someone who's either fulfilled in separate relationships or so lonely they've given up on escaping the feeling.

What other reason do people have to create art?

to be seen to some extent. to share a message that's important to them. to release something from within themselves. to process a color they're worried only they can see. or to just give a story to the world. no reason is better than the other.

I'm not lonely. But I do feel bored and stuck, though. Like I'm not living enough.

you do seem to cultivate some sort of Life Aesthetic from how you describe things. you know, black coffee and earl grey tea. classic music on a record player. violin and card games. russian literature, possibly in dog-eared paperback. the kids online would call it “dark academia”.

Yes, I love those and while I suppose what you say is true to a certain extent — I do love aesthetics as long as I make the rules for my own — I do not want to feel stuck in it. It would be hell, and it shouldn't be so serious. I love a variety of things — Nu metal, black leather, Barbie movies and animes like My Hero Academia.

it's odd how we only show certain parts of ourselves in different spaces. i don't think anyone reading your blog would peg you as a nu metal fan. i feel like i just uncovered a major scoop.

I supposed many of us feel like they need to have a more distinct aesthetic or some sort of brand. Even subconsciously so. I think, even if I didn't want to, there would always be different versions of me in my novels because I base everything on my feelings, me, places I've seen, people I've known. Oliver and his melancholy and need to live something, anything, is one version of me. If I were to write a book about a wanna be singer, it would also be a version of me, little me from the past who wanted to be a singer too. I think the version of me I put the most is my emotional self more than an aesthetic.

can you describe your emotional self?

Intense. Very often, I feel like my heart is too big for my body, you know. But it's also very important for me. If there's one thing that would make me more unhappy than to be overwhelmed by emotions, it's apathy. [Laughs] God, you must wonder what kind of weirdo you're interviewing.

no i'm actually quietly having an existential crisis in my discord server. this is very enlightening. is that something you think is present in the current novel you're developing?

Oh, definitely. I am really into stories fueled by the characters' emotional worlds. Oliver is a mess of self-doubts, of pressure to live something and feeling scared he'll never get to, of wanting to please at all costs. Wilhelm is apathy and the secret desire to let loose just to see what happens. It is safe to say I've always prioritized the emotional quality over the plots and events themselves.

i was supposed to have you introduce yourself. do you think you could maybe pitch your novel for new people?

My novel Thus Saith The Lord is set in Prague, in 1987. The story focused on a young student named Oliver, who's bored of his life and wishes for more in some sort of Bovary-way. He drops out and flees his monotonous home town in the countryside to move to a big city and finally live his life. Unfortunately, things do not turn out the way he hoped. Eventually, he ends up practically poor there and lonely and despises his new way of life. However, he goes on to befriend a guy who, with his connections, helps him integrate his Catholic school, thus pushing him to continue his studies. Once there, Oliver becomes morbidly fascinated by one of his classmates. What started out as a simple friendship quickly turns into obsession and desperation as the lines of morality become blurred.

As for me introducing myself: My name is Cassander, I am a twenty- three year old writer and aspiring actress from France.

assuming this draws a new audience to your blog and substack, what could they expect to see from you?

Anything in terms of medium — novels, poetry, short stories. Quite frankly, there's a melancholy feeling that permeates almost all my work. They can expect that already. As well as stories with immoral and horrible characters, intense emotions, terrible decisions, and existential themes. Do not expect anything tender or joyful, I've never been good for that sort of things.

and since you claimed you'd give yourself 10 years to write thus saith the lord, i feel like people are in for a pretty intense journey.

that's all i have to talk about. i could speak for much longer but i don't want to take up too much of your space. mind narrating my exit from this little room to close us out?

The teas had been drunk, and the conversation had died. Not an unpleasant silent, but rather the sort of satisfied ending, like after a good meal.

Clove got up. “That's all I have to talk about. I could speak for much longer but I don't want to take up too much of your space." They said.

A kind and polite ending to our conversation. Although it wasn't like I had plenty of people waiting at my door or a full schedule. I nodded, before walking them to the door. We exchanged our goodbyes, and as they walked away, I remembered these words by Shakespeare that I knew by heart:

“And whether we shall meet again I know not. Therefore our everlasting farewell take: For ever, and for ever, farewell, [trustees]! If we do meet again, why, we shall smile; If not, why then, this parting was well made.”

previous stop

[coyoteprince]

you are literally like.. doing everything I want to do, and I so deeply resonate with all your work I've seen. Did you go to college at all? How did you come to be where you are now?

I literally haven't even finished highschool lol

To be blunt: It came from pain, survival, and eventually, joy. Content warning: talkin' about abuse, but avoiding much detail

I was severely abused my entire life largely because of being diagnosed with autism when I was a young kid & being raised by maladjusted people who couldn't escape poverty. Being autistic is a small blessing I am thankful for- too bad they & many others today can't fathom that. I focused on art to cope, which reflected my special interests still a core part of my work today (death, history, witchcraft) and my personal identity since I wasn't allowed to be a person otherwise. When I got to my teen years, all attempts at trying to grow into adulthood was sabotaged by mentioned continued abuse, so I again turned to art to cope and try to find a way to work from home, which eventually became my full time job. The abuse physically disabled me, so in my early-mid 20's when my partner stole me out of the situation, I continued doing the only thing I knew to do to make money & voice myself. I've been working as an artist full time for over 10 years now because of this. I started making art because I had literally no other choice. Training isn't something I've had. I just put my nose to the grindstone and figured it out on my own, because I had to. Thankfully, one of the upsides to being a very autistic freak is mine came with an obsession for continued learning & experimentation so I managed okay on my own with occasional help from artist friends. Even more thankfully, there is so much more open resources for creating art on the internet today than when I started.

My life is very happy, safe, and full of love now- but extreme hardship is why I create, why this is my job, and why so much of myself is distilled into what I make. In the past few years the basis has twisted from pain to joy- I genuinely love being alive now, and I genuinely love making art despite having to. It is a physical representation of relief, melancholy, and happiness for being alive after a hard life.

A disclaimer I guess: Any time I explain my backstory people tend to be blindsided by it- what I lived was really extensive, and I'm assuming this will again be surprising for some even though I didn't go into the unpleasant details. But please don't feel bad for me- It was my reality, it is what shaped me, it sucked, but I live a starkly different present today and am fine

[my-rion]

07/17/24

Alright.

Just to clarify, it’s Anne, the host, speaking. I feel I have to say this especially because Hannah was on a rampage last night & she was the one who posted all that shit yesterday, not me. I have been pretty absent on social media, ignoring asks for the most part as well because I've been busy dealing with my mental health.

This is going to be all over the place, just because my thoughts on everything are that way too, & I don’t expect anyone to read this, I really just have to get all of this off my chest. There are still some details I won’t divulge for my own wellbeing.

Since my DID diagnosis on June 6 of this year, my entire world has quite literally turned upside down. Some of the things I’ve realized since then:

Only one of my alters has BPD, her name is Hannah. She is the reason I, my ex & my current boyfriend began to suspect alternate identities within me. She is the one I have been aware of for the longest. At least 7 or 8 years now. She is classified as a Persecutor, so I have since realized that my brain created her to protect me, however, instead of being a Protector type, she is extremely misguided & doesn’t realize that her actions though she intends to protect the system (term used to refer to those with DID/OSDD) are actually incredibly harmful to myself & my loved ones, particularly those I find myself in romantic relationships with. My plan for my upcoming work I will be doing with my new therapist is to create more cohesion within the system, & get everyone on the same page. & a huge part of that is getting Hannah & Ares (the only other Persecutor alter in the system) to convert into Protectors, the way they were originally intended to be.

Ares holds all of my vengeance, hatred & rage. I am certain he & Hannah are both sociopaths. I do not believe they enjoy hurting others per se, but they feel absolutely nothing for neither suffering or joy of others. Although it scares me to accept the fact that all my alters fragmented parts of myself & still NOT me, I am learning to feel gratitude to him, at the very least. Although he scares me, embarrasses me, & doesn’t get along with myself or anyone else in the system apart from Hannah (they are like twins), I am grateful for his role in holding all of those emotions so I do not burn my own hands with them. I’d be a very, very different person if Ares did not exist. & I don’t think I would be proud of or like myself at all if that were the case.

 All of my alters were created at some point by my subconscious to serve different purposes. To hold different emotions, to hold different memories of trauma, to help me to cope & survive amongst people who were hurting me & environments I was not safe in. It’s going to take a lifetime of work to get to know them all (including myself, we are at 8 & counting. I know there are at least 4 or 5 more, but I wouldn’t be surprised at all if there were much more than that. I won’t get into what it feels like or how I know unless asked). Their names are Jamie, Chris, Althea, Maverick, #6, Hannah & Aries. My aim is for us all to one day get along in the system’s best interest. Fusing is an option for many systems (exactly what the word suggests; since alters cannot be destroyed, some opt to fuse all alters & host all together), but personally, I have no desire to do so. My mind might change at a later date, as I continue on this journey, if that is what is best for me, but as of right now, my aim is symbiosis.

I truly cannot ever accurately express the magnitude of my gratitude for Jeff in his unwavering support of me throughout all this, also the fact that he was the final piece in pushing me to get assessed by a specialist because he suspected something else was going on, possibly DID or Schizophrenia. I will not get into the details but Hannah & Ares are incredibly cruel to him. It kills me to be stuck in my body watching through Hannah’s eyes as she does & says things I find shameful at the least & abhorrent at worst. System Responsibility is the notion that every alter, & myself, the host, are responsible for each other’s actions. Hannah will never apologize or even feel remorse for the horrible shit she says & does, so every time I am back in the front in control, I have to be the one to apologize, & it always feels like I am cleaning up someone else’s mess. No, it does not feel fair. In a way it truly is not. But someone has to do it. & even if I fucking hate the things she does & would almost give a limb to make her stop forever, at the end of the day, my brain still birthed her into existence, & i have to take responsibility & try to repair the things she attempts to destroy over & over. It’s a hard pill to swallow but it is what it is. I will never not want to apologize & do everything I can to fix things because Jeff deserves to feel heard & validated in the pain Hannah & Ares cause him.

Another difficult issue but less consequential than those that my Persecutors cause, is when Chris is near the front, in the front, or fronting entirely. When I say near the front picture a bus. Sitting behind the driver’s or the passenger seat. When I say in the front, picture sitting in the passenger seat, or sharing the driver’s seat and/or wheel. When I say fronting entirely, picture being fully in control of the bus, only one alter’s hands at the wheel. Chris non-binary, & both asexual & aromantic. When Chris is near the front, in the front, or fronting, I feel very little to no attraction sexually or romantically towards Jeff. I feel very apathetic about most things. My own son annoys me when he does normal kid things, when normally he hardly ever annoys me. Chris does not like that I am in a relationship, nor do they like that I am a parent. I feel very guilty about this. & I say “I” when referring to the feelings experienced with Chris in the front because for the most part I am co-conscious with my alters, meaning even if they take control of the wheel, even kick me out of the driver’s seat to somewhere else in the front or middle of the bus at most, I can see through their eyes, & I feel all their feelings almost as if they were my own. This is also the reason my DID when undetected for so long. I will go into that in my next & final paragraph but to wrap this one up, again, Jeff is ever patient with me, & respects Chris’ wishes not to be babied, be called pet names, or receive any affection because it makes them uncomfortable. I am thankful that although it may hurt him that “I” do not feel attracted to him when Chris is fronting, he completely understands that everything my alters do, say & desire is completely out of my control, at least until I can properly communicate with everyone & give them incentive to work together with me. He doesn’t take it personal & he just waits until “Anne” is back in the front & ready to love & be loved again.

My final realization is the fact that I have unknowingly masked this disorder my entire life. Most people do not recognize when I switch into other alters, however currently only Jeff & maybe my mom do, although my mom doesn’t really understand my DX. One of the most beautiful things about my relationship with Jeff is the fact that for the first time, I can almost completely unmask in front of him. Althea, one of my Littles (alters that are younger children) is only 6. She loves the colour pink, princesses, fairies, etc. These are all things I have detested since I was a child. She represents the part of me that I rejected in order to feel safe or tough or like one of the boys like I always wanted to be when I was younger. There is also an inkling of me having been exposed to sexually inappropriate things as a young child that drove my rejection of my femininity at a young age, because I probably deduced that being female made me vulnerable to male predators whether by action or gaze, therefore Althea was created. I had successfully rejected both my childhood innocence & my femininity. Now, when Althea fronts, or is near the front, she likes to wear the girliest things I own, she loves to have her makeup done in pink, if I allow myself to fully unmask she speaks in a more childlike manner & of all my alters she loves Jeff the most, because when this happens he takes on a more protective energy towards her instead of romantic & sexual. Jeff is the only person who I have ever unmasked Althea in front of. She represents the most vulnerable, innocent part of myself & I trust absolutely no other person around her. While I continue to mask all my alters to the best of my ability in public or around others, I am hoping with time that with at least my best friend, my best cousin, Jeff, & Orion in the future, that I can unmask most of them around them. Unmasking in front of Jeff has been one of the most healing parts of this basically decade long journey, only second to receiving the DX that finally lead me to begin to understand why I am the way I am, & that I am not crazy, & firstly to the love, care, & support Jeff gives me at all times, & especially when I am finally able to take back control of the front after Hannah or Ares have gone on a rampage. That’s when I feel the most shame, that I am broken & unlovable, even evil. Yet he is always there to love me better. I have no words for how lucky & grateful I am to be loved like this, in my absolute worst & lowest points.

Anyway, this has been long, like I said this is more of a personal diary entry more than anything, & just an update of my life & this roller coaster I’ve been on since being diagnosed. I likely will write more on this in the future, as I continue to learn more, make more progress, grow & heal.

[theoldlesbianwithcats]

I'm a gold star lesbian. I have always been extremely skeptical of the narratives women give of being with men as supposed lesbians. But the more time I spend around other gold stars (online) the less I find the arguments compelling. A lesbian couldn't self-harm by having sex with a man because it goes against her base instincts? Does cutting one's skin not go against one's base instincts? Does suicide not? I feel like I'm missing a link here that makes this argument make sense. I'm absolutely looooooathe to give a speck of credibility to clearly bisexual women who spend lives sleeping with men and then try to worm their way into lesbian 'identity', but I'm struggling to grasp the logic that a lesbian could not possibly sleep with a man if she were, say, not in her right mind or if she were sufficiently pressured or, yes, coerced. On the other hand, I just do not believe 99% of the stories I've heard purely incidentally. Is there any room for nuance here? I think it's also troubling me that the majority of outspoken gold star lesbians on here are rather unintelligent and reactionary and I find it difficult to align myself with women like that. It's humiliating to say that I'm a gold star lesbian and to be immediately associated with women like that. I saw a woman say recently that being interested in lesbian history is a red flag for being a 'fauxbian'. I've seen other gold star lesbians say that real lesbians do not have close male friends or support male artists. At this point we've lost our minds entirely. It's a horseshoe turn into our own brand of political lesbianism. I really appreciate the posts you've made about the topic as you're very reasonable and you clearly give a lot of thought to what you say. I wish I could say the same for others.

Hi anon,

Not gonna lie, this message exhausts me because it contains two things that I don't like getting in my inbox:

Debating in which circumstances a lesbian could have sex with a man (which is just a negative version of "can lesbians have male exceptions")

Complaining about gold stars you disagree with on anon with no hint of you doing anything for gold stars off anon

For the first part, I don't see why a lesbian would have sex with a man as self-harm when there are so many other ways to harm yourself (including having violent/unhealthy relationships with women). Also many of the women I've seen claiming to be lesbians who self-harmed with men came out as bi later. It's easy to tell those women are bi because they relate to bi and het women who had bad experiences with men, but are weirdly lesbophobic, guilt-trippy and lacking in empathy with gold stars who self-harmed.

For the second part, I wish the gold star community on here was more mature and focused on creating positive spaces and content too. I don't like reading insults online because it mentally exhausts me, even if it comes from people who are on my side.

The reason why this part of your message still annoys me is that I've been telling lesbians on here for eight years now that you need to kick your own asses and put yourselves out there, express yourself (not in my inbox! on your own page!) and create what you want to see. But from what I've seen, while queer/trans/polilez have been creating more and more fanzines, novels, webcomics, podcasts, videos, indie games, etc., actual lesbians are just complaining that no one is doing anything. You are all staring and telling each other "Will someone do something? Not me, but anyone else?"... Then you wonder why we're all lonely and have no representation, even in amateur spaces? Really?

There's no such thing as a lesbian prophet who will tirelessly provide all lesbians with everything we need, we're a tiny minority so we all need to take part and get our hands dirty, there's no other choice. And I'm going to say it... A lot of lesbians are super ungrateful to the lesbians who actually try to make things : when I made a lesbian website years ago, not even my lesbian friends shared the articles on social media and I only got three external contributions, so I abandoned it ; I created a local group chat and organized meetups until I got a job that made it impossible, the other members not only did not have their own meetups like I encouraged them to do but just let the group chat die entirely ; I created a discord server for gold stars who want to make creative projects together, I'm the only one who posted anything on it. At this point, the only lesbians who are allowed to complain about lesbian community/representation in my inbox are the ones who are trying to do something about it 🤷‍♀️

[snow-system-wol]

G'raha accidentally went down a bit of a side journey doing research and unearths some info that might be of interest to S'ria. (cw: clinical reference to CSA)

Ao3

It was not completely unheard of for S'ria to not see G'raha for an entire turn of the sun. 

Not unheard of, but still quite rare these days. G'raha no longer stuck so close by his side, with both of them doing their own tasks apart for much of the day, but S'ria typically saw him by some point in the evening. G'raha almost never slept in his own room anymore, so at the very least, S'ria saw him by the time he was turning in for the night.

It was not so the previous night, S'ria falling asleep alone – disappointed, but not concerned.

Come morning, he did ask around if anyone knew of G'raha's whereabouts. The first few answers, that he was excused from work today and was not working yesterday either, had S'ria worried, but the additional answers about him having been sighted in the Noumenon put his heart back at ease.

Knowing G'raha, he fell asleep while researching some side project. S'ria would have liked to check on him, but G'raha was likely in a level deeper than a non-Archon, non-citizen could freely wander into.

(Oh, if S'ria threw his status around and implied it was important, then perhaps, but that was not warranted here. If G'raha did not turn up by the ‘morrow, S'ria would simply send Krile in after him.)

G'raha did return that evening, though, a heavy backpack weighing him down. He seemed nervous, and S'ria was a touch concerned about that bit, but it wasn't much to consider. He remained a bit ill-at-ease for all of dinner, though, and it was a little awkward.

It wasn't until after dinner that G'raha actually addressed what was clearly on his mind. He dragged his backpack over and sat down on the floor, half on his futon and half in the pillow nest, and patted the spot next to him. S'ria gently settled down, waiting.

“Forgive me for my absence – and forgive me for this indiscretion. I did not perform research solely to be invasive, but I will confess that I began chasing more information when the lead presented itself.”

S'ria's tail swished behind him. “Raha, the evasiveness is making me a bit anxious.”

“Ah! Forgive me, ‘twas not my intent. Unfortunately I have just made myself nervous as well. Allow me to start from the beginning.” G'raha pulled out a tome from his bag and flipped it open to a marked spot. “I was reading a historical account, back from the Sixth Umbral Era, and one of the relevant parties was described in a way that was not unlike you and yours. You'd said you'd never met anyone else, so I began to … dig.”

S'ria shifted closer, peering at the page in excitement. “What did you find? Oh – that's not…”

“Not a modern script, no, but I can read it out for you later if you should like to hear the exact words. And worry not, my search was not fruitless, even if ‘twas a bit…circuitous.

"First, I began looking for books on identity, psychological care, trauma, pertaining to that era… As I am certain you can imagine, this was easier said than done. The priority given to such social topics varied greatly by location, and many did not put an emphasis on it. I did eventually find a medical compendium that appeared to be describing diagnosis of the same phenomenon.”

S'ria leaned forward, intensely focused. “So, it is a thing other people experience? Does it have a name?”

To S'ria's confusion, G'raha's immediate reaction was to look a bit uncomfortable.

“It does, but, err… I do not know if it is meant to be translated so literally, but –”. G'raha visibly winced. “The medical compendium rather indelicately used ‘mindshatter’ – a-a term that has long since been declared unusable, I promise!” 

S'ria was not particularly sure if that was offensive or just odd. Certainly, it was not a polite way to be called, but it hardly seemed a condition a psychologically well person would have, so was it warranted? Ah, but, if others had this too, then perhaps thinking of it so judgmentally was unkind.

It probably said much about S'ria that the first time he truly considered whether he thought of his mental health too harshly was upon realizing it was rude to people other than him.

“You were able to find newer sources?”

G'raha nodded. “Yes, I used the old name and tracked it through records until the name began to change, and then checked modern medical tomes for those.”

S'ria raised his eyebrows. “And the new name is less…?”

“Ah, well, names, really. Each group of scholars took it upon themselves to give it a new name – some in different cultures, some in the same institute and arguing with their peers. ‘Separation of the self’, ‘traumatic deintegration’, ‘divided soul’, multiple identity phenomenon’ – to name a few.”

“So there really isn't an agreed upon name?”

G'raha gave him a sympathetic smile. “Unfortunately, no. You could pick one, if you'd like.”

The intensity of his focus broken, S'ria laid back onto the pillows. “That seems overwhelming right now, no thanks. What else did you learn, though? About what it is?”

S'ria could see G'raha's ears perk up in the corner of his vision, him scrambling in his bag for presumably more borrowed books.

“Ah yes, here we are!” G'raha cleared his throat, dropping the excitement from his tone. “...Are you certain you would actually like to hear about this? Some of the information may be uncomfortable for you.”

S'ria ears flicked, deep in thought for a few moments. He could feel G'raha's eyes on him.

“I think I'd like to know, at least.”

“Very well. Er, here are the details that seem to be consistent between different experts.” G'raha's cadence changed, suggesting that he was directly reading bits of the text. “An individual with this condition will exhibit multiple selves, of count ranging from one additional self to many. Said other selves may have different personalities and gender, and may not share memories or consciousness with the individual's primary self.”

It was uncanny, to hear this described so…casually? So concretely? S'ria did not want to be special or anything, but he'd honestly assumed there was something uniquely wrong with him. 

“That all sounds…very familiar, yes.” S'ria tried to unclench his jaw. “Does it say why?”

G'raha was quiet in response for a little too long, and S'ria sat up to look at him. He was fiddling with the edge of a page, looking briefly at a loss for words.

“Raha?”

G'raha briefly shook his head. “Forgive me, I just do not wish to be indelicate with how I put this. The condition is a protective mechanism, allowing the formation of specialized roles and quarantining of memories. It forms in response to prolonged trauma at single-digit ages, particularly, er –”. G'raha's voice dropped far quieter. “Particularly when experiencing repeated sexual abuse.”

S'ria understood the hesitation in saying that out loud – he could not suppress his shudder, the sudden trembling in his hands, a slight buzzing in his head. It was odd. He'd never had it referred to in such a clear clinical way before, and it was… difficult to describe how that felt. Equal parts validating and horrifying, perhaps.

“I… I see.”

“I apologize, are you quite alright?”

S'ria took a deep breath, trying to still his hands. “I am – I am not having a flashback, that is, I just – it is a bit cathartic to have it all laid out so plainly, but a bit overwhelming too. I don't want to sound ungrateful, I'm very glad to know this isn't just me.”

S'ria gently eased himself back into lying down. “Thank you for doing this research. I might ask you for more information some day, but right now I need… some time to think about this.”

G'raha slowly laid down next to S'ria and took his hand. “Of course. Let me know if you need anything.”

S'ria's mind wandered to the obvious weight of G'raha's backpack when he'd entered, wondering what else could be found within those pages. No, no, he didn't need any more in his head before he'd processed what was already there.

Still, it was nice to know – somehow intense and anticlimactic all at once – that the way he experienced the world was not a wholly unique one.

[chiropteracupola]

Tell us about reading Laurent and Aymar as trans? Pretty please?

all the various thoughts I had were originally typed out in a fit of annoyance probably in early October last year, and that happens to also be how I learned that tumblr has a limit on how many tags you can put on a post, which I had wildly exceeded, and now I don't remember what it was that I had written in the part that got lost. but! there's still a considerable bit of stuff that I do recall!

[also every time I end up reading this book, I immediately get a horrible sore throat without fail, so I do not want to reread it to rediscover my Ideas because I am really enjoying being Less Sick Than Usual right now.]

please take all of these thoughts with a pinch of salt, these are not super textually supported but they're A Thing to ponder. is this even going to make sense at all? Well We'll See.

some of the thoughts, I believe, began in Aymar's hair and the significance of that throughout the book - I found it interesting at the very first that he's got long hair in a time when that wasn't very much the norm, and also that, although we do get a lot of information about how much Laurent likes that long hair of his, Aymar doesn't seem so keen on it.

and also! so much of Aymar is wrapped up in matters of secrecy and falsity, and of being perceived as something other than what he is, which to me works quite well here. it's a book about honor getting called into question, and for these fellows, the quality of honor does end up getting intertwined with the quality of successful manhood. there's a certain physicality to Aymar's disgust with himself at some of his lowest moments that pairs interestingly with this particular lens.

as things go with Aymar's actual body, it's interesting (and for other reasons, nearly uncomfortable to me) how much he's described as looking similar to Avoye. and of course there's the whole St. Sebastian thing with him too... (iirc I had a lot more in my head on the whole business of Aymar's injuries in this context, but I've forgotten precisely what it was that I was getting at there. so be it.)

there's something that resonates a little bit in the way that Aymar's also wrapped up in the very particular prophecy that he is as well! now, while I don't know if the particular situation with the jartier is actually anything folkloric or if Broster invented that for the book, I find it interesting that the alleged secret of his success and the main supernatural element of the book is related to a mythological figure that's almost entirely defined in stories of hiding a concealed physical transformation from relatives. of course, having a bit of gender going on is not precisely the same as occasionally turning into a large snake, except that sometimes it also is.

that's that on Aymar - but we've got another guy to talk about while we're here! Laurent is definitely defined by his inexperience for a lot of the book - he's new to being a soldier and he's new to being an adult, and for me, that's easy to read as being new to being a man as well. he's fresh and passionate and young and just so wildly confident that I can easily see him being newly out of some journey of self-discovery and ready to make his way in the world under a newly shaped identity. Laurent's just very proud and pleased with himself, and I find that rather fun to match with these kinds of thoughts.

…he's joking about in the quotation I've given here, but hey, it's the kind of joke that I myself have been known to make.

likewise, there's something in the way that Laurent interacts with his mother and aunts, and the whole 'raised in a family of mostly women' thing, that puts the occasional thought in my head that I can't quite articulate. and then there's this:

so yeah! I'm guessing that a good deal of the more textual stuff of it is certainly the style of the time, and also the way that I've found that D.K. Broster writes in general - there are similar phrases along the lines of 'womanish feelings' and such that get used in FOTH for Keith (and I believe there's been a little discussion of that as well that I saw some time ago…) but even so it's interesting enough to think about!

[yellowocaballero]

HEY!! Your trigun swap au is so very good!! I've always loved roleswap aus as a concept, and yours is the perfect example of why. it's all about the balancing act of twisting the (swapped) character's background/mentalities for maximum domino effect while not actually *destroying* the character ya know? you still gotta recognize them, it's half of the fun. just some little nudges here... and there... with the delightful result of a changed plot/world that you can discover anew

Also I surprisingly vibe with Dr Knives. a lot. what can I say I guess it's the fucked up superiority-inferiority/guilt complex with a dash of imposter syndrome. also the transgenderism. he's just like me fr fr (minus the speciesism and bloodlust) 1/3

SPEAKING OF! I'm literally a week late for that but chapter 4 may be my favorite so far. it's got it all: Ww's bloodlust coming through and being given a GUN, M&M being #JustNormalGunsmokeKidsThings about it, Knives being incredibly tired and enthusiastically murderous in turns, TRANS PEOPLE!! Funky morally dubious trans men ! Intersex nonbinary Knives (in humans terms) !! small internal rants about ecosystems!

I particularly like that one bc I too found myself twitching whenever I see (in fics or fandom at large) Gunsmoke being shown as a ~hostile, barren~ planet when, like.... *waves agitedly at the Tomases* *waves frantically at the WORMS, in all their INCREDIBLY DIVERSIFIED sizes and shapes* tell me there isn't an entire ecosystem supporting and including these bad boys. And god do I wanna know about it. Terraforming this terraforming that. Enough. I want bio-worldbuilding fics that are just as weird and unhinged as the rest of trigun (2/3)

To go back to Nicholas : I loved his discussion with Knives about fate and predestination and stuff (esp since -I may be reading too much into it, but it’s interesting that Knives says he doesn’t believe in predestination anymore, and just a bit later goes about how his personality is Like That bc he’s Biologically Programmed for it), and his last words in it are especially ominous. WHAT were you gonna say about Vash. How does it concern Nicholas. This is gonna bite them in the ass later isn’t it.

Also ur last asks/answers REALLY doesn’t reassure me about woowoo’s fate. Is he gonna die. Is he gonna end up going thru the same things than his canon counterpart (concentrate of medical-and-general unethicality). Idk what those flags are for but boy They Are There.

Aallll that to say I absolutely love that fic and can't wait to see what you do next with it, thank you so much !! (3/3)

This is so nice thank you so much :D :D :D To comment in order:

Roleswaps are no fun if you can't recognize the character. You're absolutely right - the funnest part is to make the smallest changes possible, and see how they cause the biggest differences. That's true of every AU, honestly - you guys know those 600k shonen manga aus where something major is different but every story beat is identical to canon? Or they're identical to every other au? They're addictive but without substance. Also sounds boring to write.

It's so funny that you (and others) vibe with Dr. Knives! From my end, he has my own very wry deadpan and self-esteem problems. Characters who have both a ridiculously inflated ego for comedy purposes and some real self-esteem problems for drama purposes work great.

I was surprised that so many people enjoyed the trans thing so much! I didn't expect it to make people so happy. Of course it's a nice surprise. I don't remember why I made the BDN decision (funny, probably) or the 'Knives invented gender reassignment surgery' thing (funny definitely), but a very active decision and something that made Knives above every other character fun to write is that he is not a human being and does not think of himself as such. The way his body experiences emotion is different, his body itself is different in a way that probably includes genitalia, and there's no reason for him to experience gender the same way. As I'm about to talk about in the upcoming chapter, he casually refers to himself as a thing and with it/its and it doesn't affect his superiority complex whatsoever.

I...would not have said that this is trans by myself, if that makes sense, because I wouldn't have wanted to say "in order to really hammer in how this character is INHUMAN then I'm gonna make him not male or female and prefer neopronouns!". It's just the shape of the character, to me. BUT LIKE IF Y'ALL LIKE IT! NO PROBLEM! I was just worried I might be saying the wrong thing, so I didn't want to say it, if that makes sense. Y'all can say it though.

Trigun worldbuilding is nonsensical and hideously vague and as a writer if you stop and think too hard about silly questions like "where does the wood come from" or "why is Vash eating salmon sandwiches" then you go insane. But...yeah, Gunsmoke's like any other ecosystem, and its worms and thomases seem to be doing great! It's not Gunsmoke's fault it is almost completely uninhabitable to humans. It sucks for us, but...does Knives care about that??? Lmfao???

There is a shitton to say about Knives' relationship with predestination and inevitability, because it's why he made the worst decision of his life. I think of it as...reasonable, in a lot of ways. If all you knew about humanity was what you read in history textbooks, and human history ended with the destruction of Earth and themselves, how would you feel? Everything humans have done, they do again. And if they dissected your sister, in an act of cruelty that they had done to even themselves...of course you'd worry. Of course. If you're young and scared and you can hear the screams of the dead in your ears, of course you feel like it's going to be you or them. And if you're.........Millions Knives.......and reverse!Vash.....then eliminating the threat is just good business sense.

And you aren't reading too much into it - Trigun in so many ways is about choices, and the impact of your choices. Your decisions are you own, and you must take responsibility for them. Decisions have weight in Trigun. I think what ppl miss sometimes about Vash is that he also wants to fuckin' murder people sometimes. He wants to be violent, he wants to hurt. He just chooses not to. Sometimes choosing pacifism is a hard fucking choice, and I think wiping that away does a disservice to the character. So if Knives would say, "Well, it's just who I am, I had no choice, I had no control, I just go nuts and murder it's not on me..." - what does that mean, in Trigun? It's??? Like??? A pussy thing to say???

But, the way I thought about it - what Knives is fighting is his internal sense that he is predestined for cruelty. He knows "who he really is" and any attempt at goodness is futile, because he's secretly bad and will always be bad. And he fucks up sometimes and starts exploding worms. But Knives chooses goodness, and I don't think he's really cottoned on that his choice to do good is more important than his internal desires to do bad and his history of badness. Because he hates himself.

I think what Knives knows now as an adult is that our lives have paved a path for us to tread. Sometimes that path is innocent, and sometimes your life paves a very nasty path. But it's our choice if we walk it or not. Knives knows what his path is, and it gives him extreme shame - but he chose which one he walked, and that's what I judge him on. Still funny how much he loves murder though.

[is-this-tf]

Do you have any tf book recs outside of animorphs? 👀

Hmmmm, tough question! Admittedly, I haven't read that many physical books that are explicitly or at least featuring TF stuff myself, usually I get my TF engagement through other mediums. Though I have read a few! Just a heads up on spoilers for them as I talk about them a bit, though. If any folks have TF book recommendations themselves, feel free to reblog or reply and take it away!

One I read back in junior high that Absolutely helped shape my brain was Clete Barrett Smith's book Magic Delivery, that featured a LOT of costume-triggered transformations, that really honed in on the sensory experience of like becoming the subject of the costume on the parts that the POV character TFs, like- it had a robot TF in it that I can still picture in my head to this day. This definitely was part of the reason why costume trigger TFs are a HUGE appeal for me nowadays, they were probably some of my first experience getting a taste of TF in general and this book really helped my young mind sort of get a real good solid sense of what it could be like, what it could mean, how it could feel. The book was written for younger readers, but that hasn't stopped me from enjoying something even as an adult. (Mild warning for ableism in the case of one of the villains here, which. Magic costumes that TF you, you can probably guess where it goes from there.)

Another more recent example is a series I'd been following, the Lazy Scales series by DM Gilmore (it's got dragon tfs in it :D), is one I'd read for a while and enjoyed but unfortunately can't give a full picture of- I'd stopped reading after around book 4 (due to emotional devastation and the time it took me to hear about books 5 and 6), and the series and its sequel series have since been completed, 6 books each and 12 books in total. While I can't speak for the direction the Lazy Scales series takes in its latter half, or for the sequel series in its entirety, I did really like the way Gilmore took the sort of the struggles and frustrations the main character had from being fundamentally inhuman and relating it to experiences in queerness and neurodivergence and autism. There being fundamental misunderstandings and incomprehension of certain concepts between characters of different species, but not like detracting from the overall sapience and understanding of the characters themselves, for example. The barriers of communication are rather worked around or reframed in ways that, while aren't perfect, are at least serviceable to the characters and the goals they're trying to reach together. Canon queer romances, turning into dragons as an illustration of queerness and autism and things that had worked before just suddenly feeling too off and wrong to look to for security again, sillier times early on in the series that have ramifications and grow more serious as the series goes on.... as I gather. The will be moving into direct spoiler territory, but around the end of the book I stopped following the series after was a pretty brutal depiction of identity death, that even moreso was at the hands of the character's abuser that had been harming them throughout the books before. I do think I have more faith in the series now that both this series and the sequel series have been completed, but for the entire next book afterward (as far as I gather) that character remains in and is explored in that state.... which might have scared me off, at the time. I think I'd be willing to consider returning to the series sometime later, though, when I'm feeling up to it. We'll see!

DM Gilmore has written and published more TF related books, including a LitRPG miniseries and a solo featuring toony TFs, the former I haven't seen and the latter I've only given a cursory glance- but they do seem fun! I would be willing to recommend Gilmore as a TF book author to give a look to if you're interested.

[writingmochi]

lissie love ~

i apologize for my absence, i have been resting well these past few days…

oh no, i am sorry to hear that social media has such a strong effect on you… i know that there are so many platforms and so many people. it is almost overwhelming, seeing that humans as creatures are not meant to interact with so many people at once…

that is actually very clever on your part. there is a reason for everything ~

i agree wholeheartedly. it works very similarly in both cases. and that is an interesting quote, worded somewhat quirkily, but true nonetheless. everyone has that interest where they dedicate themselves entirely and i think it is rather neat that way. we all share that in some small way ~

it is especially true in k-pop, considering how complicated the lore can get these days. i myself am still not very good at understanding k-pop lore… the stories get too complicated for me and i need it explained secondhand to truly grasp it… do you have a favorite storyline from a k-pop group?

signed, 🩻

lissie: i'm sorry for the late reply, x-ray!

yeah... i've spoken about this with smiles when i did my anon reveal so I'll try reiterate it here. since i used social media from when i was 6 years old (my mom made me a facebook page so i could play games), it's been a part of my life that just makes me sick, especially with the so-called "innovation" that is just tech companies copying each other. i tried to erase my real identity from the internet as best as i could and let my internet persona/brand flourish instead. reasons as to why can be summarized into: i'm tired of seeing too much information and i don't wanna compare myself to others. building boundaries and quitting some social media that i use helps me to heal in a way...

aww thanks for that actually! i'll try my best to structure my stories in the most optimal way!

about the "everyone is a nerd of something" comment, i just think that it is much more fascinating when you try to plunge into the fandom yourself. but in order to do that, you have to have an open mindset too of course before you decide if you wanna join or not. i used to be in toxic fandoms before usually in kpop fandoms and i realizes that i like my position better as a casual listener sometimes fan in certain situations, like me with txt in a way where i don't follow each of their activities, watch their vlogs, etc and just be there for the music, to do, and live performance if it's worth it for me to go

i thought about it that way because i used to have a parasocial relationship with kpop idols (i think i still have the residue of it too right now) but it is not as strong as years ago because, ngl, i'm sick of being known as the kpop girl. and at the right time, kpop is introduced to a younger audience who, i'm sorry to say this, is much more susceptible to the toxicity of both the fandom sphere and the internet (possessiveness, parasocial relationship, ddos attacks, defensive behavior that might be too much, etc). because of that, i realized it is my time to actually venture out of the kpop bubble and ignite more interests. that's why i've been most attracted to geeky stuff like dungeons and dragons, indie video games, and even cinema where i found out about festival films that are much more exciting than blockbusters playing in the theater.

i would say that my favorite kpop storyline as of recently is ateez's. i like how creative it is with the theme of struggling people turned musical pirates turned revolutionary anarchists with the theme of music being the thing that set them free. for clean storytelling, i would also say bts hyyh storyline that spans from 2015-2019-ish i forgot. it's the first "mainstream" kpop storyline because, before them, most groups have an interesting concept that doesn't have any storyline (exo with superpowers and b.a.p as aliens coming to earth) and bts universe is pretty grounded if you remove the time travelling stuff. loona's lore is another one that i love because it connects member's concept and sound, subunits' concept and sound, and then the whole group's and its combination. other notable ones are onf, billlie, and nct 2018 & 2020

kpop lore is a double-edged sword in my opinion. you could make it right and make it connected to the group concept and each of their releases while sometimes you might do it too much that it actually turns people off. for this i use ateez and enhypen as examples. i always think that ateez's pirate/anarchist concept is blend so much into the branding of ateez like music video, merch, promotion, and it blends in well that it lets the group experiment with genres that could be implemented into the concept. while in enhypen's case, i think the addition of the storyline is too jarring in a way. we knew they're orphaned/runaway vampires based on given-taken but then why did they go to supernatural school for drunk-dazed and tamed-dashed to then abandoned that to make them be a rebellious vampire group for blessed-cursed and future perfect before returning back to their more vampiric twilight-esque concept for bite me? it doesn't flow well at all if we compare it to ateez's treasure, fever, and the world series

other than that, the concept of enhypen's storyline is not as blurry as ateez because the company is making intellectual property out of this. that makes it feel disconnected from the group instead of making the group inherit it. enhypen doesn't fully capitalized on the vampire concept because hybe is too ambitious by making ips out of their groups (bts with hyyh n chako, txt with star seekers, enhypen and &team with dark blood, le sserafim with crimson heart). i now know that hybe sees their groups as cash cows while kq sees ateez as an investment. also, you don't hear people utter the words "enhypen is the vampires of kpop" like how people say "ateez is the pirates of kpop"...

[fae-morrigan]

I'm going to try and be as nice as possible here since you've admitted to not being caught up, and therefore you're not really playing with a full hand in this conversation. I get it! DC puts out a lot of stuff! But, as a nonbinary person, aka the specific flavor of trans Sydney is, I feel maybe you'd appreciate my perspective on why I actually think this story was kind of awful, and why SOKE's approach is deeply refreshing. I'll even suggest a non-jon alternative that does queerness well as my final magic trick!

Nicole Maines, trans activist and current writer for DC (she's actually about to take a swing at Jon, you should catch up to read her stuff she's really good at it) has posited before that there is a difference in representation for queer people and representation for straight people. Largely, she points to the difference being how the narrative treats it- Does it treat it like its somehow... odd? Does it need to be exposited to the audience what a gay is at every turn? Is the character and story entirely based around their deviance?

And... yeah, as a nonbinary person, reading this story, I realized very very very quickly that it was not made for me.

Sydney isn't really a person outside of their nonbinary-ness. At most, they're meek, and the (cis) boys teach them how to be stronger and hashtag stand up to bullying. They take a long page to explain their identity to the two of them in a way that is, kind of cold and detached in a way that you can tell is meant to exposit to the audience, not really how a trans person would explain ourselves? And we never get much insight into how THEY feel about all this. Its about the Supersons, and them being allies! It's not really about Sydney at all.

(Also Tomasi is kind of a of a raging conservative in most of his works, so. Like. Don't like that he was given this story as opposed to a trans person.)

BUT! I do sort of give Belle Reve a pass for its simplicity, and how it uses queerness to self-actualize for our supersons, because... its a short story! It's meant to be quick, to the point. Not spin off into a whole storyline. And y'know, some stories are made for cis het people, they clearly need to play catchup judging by the state of the world, lol.

And yet, whenever I re-read it, I feel like an outsider looking in on a stranger describing, wrongly, my own life. I mean, I was sydney in middle school. I was out as nonbinary then and I've had to have these conversations before. So much nonbinary representation in media, especially comics, feels the need to do this. I'm tired of it: I want to exist and not have to explain myself. That's what a lot of queer people, including other bisexuals (as you mention you are), like about SOKE! It's just... present, its real, but it isn't usually a huge kerfuffle about it.

So many queer narratives are about the fact that we're queer. Actually, its almost all of the mainstream ones right now. Its like its the only conversation we can have about ourselves. I would love some comic narratives that are queer, but are also about something else too. DC is finally giving that to us, and there are a LOT of people who have been craving that after a constant... barrage of 'white dudes finding themselves' as a gay staple.

Also: SOKE is a coming of age story! It IS Jon finding himself, having an identity crisis, its just not focused around his queerness... It's focused around his identity as a burgeoning Superman in the wake of life-altering trauma. Something that continues to carry his story even now, and honestly, I think it does it very well. From a writing standpoint (as I make comics, I dont just talk about them), building Jon's story about his struggle to do the right thing in the wake of the biggest shadow in the universe has much broader applications for a plethora of writers than... well, he's bisexual superman and that's it.

And I do know you are interested in a story about self-discovery that isn't related to being a Superhero, but I would remind you, this.. is a superhero genre. There's gonna be cows outside and so forth, the superheroing is usually metaphor FOR that other bit of self discovery: Its why people write in this genre. That is absolutely the case with Jon at points. I suggest you read the age up as being metaphorical, as that's explicitly what Bendis intended. I've read thousands of superhero comic books, and I think the one that gets closest to even approaching the non-superhero thing is maaaaybe far sector (which, even if its not, you should read anyways omfg NK Jemisin is a wizard).

But him being into men DOES come up as part of that. They DO deal with his queerness. Right here! Issue seventeen. I don't know if you got to that part during your initial read (I am guessing not as this issue came out at the very very end of '22), but its my favorite issue for a reason!

I do, admittedly in my little mean heart, take umbrage with you deciding Jon hasn't had development, that he had potential, not has, despite admitting to having not caught up with him at ALL. And like yeah. They did stuff with him that's pretty upsetting for the plot. Because this is a narrative. And conflict has to happen for a narrative to happen. It can't just be happy all the time or it'll get boring super fast, especially with DC, a property that has gone on for like 80 actual years. You gotta shake things up!

But y'know what? I still have opinions on things I am not caught up with, like BNHA, so its very glass houses of me to give you shit for it, lmfao. My soapbox is fragile and is at risk of being eaten by termites.

So, instead, I direct you to this reading list made by my pal & mutual @bobbinalong. It has every Jon appearance you missed, categorized by if its essential, if its pre or post age up. That way you know exactly what you've missed out on, past AND present, and can catch up if you wanna join in on the conversations we're having.

And now, on the topic of comics you should read if you want good queerness that ISN'T Jon Kent, because I'm tired of that swagless white boy:

Bad Dream: A Dreamer Story by Nicole Maines is a paperback graphic novel about young trans girl Nia Nal (yeah, from the CW show! she's in the dc comics now!) discovering she has powers from her home planet that are SUPPOSED to be passed onto the eldest daughter, but skipped her sister and went to her. It's casually queer BUT ALSO the queerness impacts the plot, its fun, its got so much women in it, it made me CRY:

Go forth!

I just wanna rant for a moment here.

I am slowly getting back into comics (you can thank Wolverine for that) and I'm starting by reading the comic issues I've already bought but haven't read yet. One of them is the "Saved by the Belle Reve" anthology.

One of the 8 stories in the book was a Super Sons comic called: Back to School.

the whole story revolves around Jon and Damian befriending a kid named Sydney, who gets bullied by 2 other boys because they're non-binary.

Damian teaches Sydney to fight so they can defend themselves, and Jon talks to them about turning the other cheek.

"I hope i know myself as well as you do one day" hit me hard.

I wish they handled Jon being bisexual kind of the same way they handled identity and gender in this comic.

i haven't been updated on recent dc comics news since early 2023 so i don't know much about what's going on with Jon now.

I still think that Jon being bisexual isn't bad, in fact i think it would have given him great character development of sorts. I think it's rare to see in comics (i could be wrong, i have not read much) a character go through some sort of self discovery that isn't at all related to being a superhero. I would have loved to see Jon navigate adolescence. Having some identity crisis, finding himself, like most teenagers do.

He had so much potential. Aging him up not only ruined a lot of his relationships (w/ his parents, damian) it also ruined him as a character...

(that's all I'm gonna say for now since i don't really remember much of what i read 2-3 years ago, so i could still be wrong)

tldr: I guess I'm still upset about DC aging up Jon for the plot and just slapped bisexual on him

[dumpdaily]

The problem with dissociative identity disorder is the fact that you seem to switch personalities entirely and people can't handle that. People want to be supportive and feel like they're doing the right thing so a lot of the time when you are friends with somebody and you tell them that you have a certain mental illness their first reaction will be like downplaying it and minimizing it because it seen as a bad thing or you're a good person so how could you have that thing. Or they will say they're accepting but then when the reality hits they demonize you call your bad person throw everything at you about how you're not the person that they thought you were or whatever. Some people will just leave silently never talking to you again you'll go to message them one day or give them a phone call only to find that they've blocked you and they never said anything as to why the last messages you had with them seem completely fine in your eyes.

People don't want to admit that maybe they just can't handle your mental illness so it's easier for them to blame a literally anything else to say that you don't really have it and call you every name under the sun or whatever it is they will do anything to avoid having to say that you are in fact too much to handle they cannot deal with you.

Look I get it mental illness is a lot and you don't have to be friends with people with mental illnesses if you don't want to, to be quite blunt. Thing is a lot of people want to be friends with us when things are going good because a lot of the time just like everybody else on the face of the planet we are fun interesting complicated people that other people want to spend time with.

The problem isn't being a fair weather friend. The problem is these people pretending like they are going to be your friend like an actual f****** friend but then bailing on you at the first sign of the waters rising. The problem is these people saying that they understand only to turn around and stab you in the back. The problem is when people think that they can be like that and lie to your face without consequence.

I will be there to my full capacity for people that I know will not be there for me however if it is told to me that somebody is going to be there for me and that they want to be my friend and then everything else that they do points to the contrary or it's all well and good until the going gets tough it is not unreasonable for me to be angry upset sad frustrated any number of things. I am not a manipulative person for expecting you to do what you said that you would do. I am not toxic because I let you know how your actions and words make me feel.

So sure I'm a monster a toxic I'm explosive I'm unreasonable I have unrealistically high standards I expect perfection 24/7 whatever else that people tend to say about me when they realize that trying to argue with me isn't going to change my f****** mind when they've gone out and done me wrong. Some people wait until they have well and truly lift my vicinity in order to air their grievances with me I can't do s*** about s*** if you're going to not tell it to my face how am I mean to know I'm not meant to be a mind reader. Social I am all of those things to many a person but I tell you what I'm a lot more than that.

I expect honesty. I expect people to do their best to try keep their word and that also applies to me. I try to be kind and expect the same from others. I expect everyone including myself to try understand one another not just on a surface level but also where that person is coming from. I expect discussions heated and not. I expect people to be able to agree to disagree in certain instances. I expect people to walk away and leave truly so that they can come back and reassess the situation with a calmer and clearer mind.

I don't just say these things I try my best to live them and I try my best to point out when other people are not living up to the standards that they have set for themselves or that they have said to me that are important to them. If all of the things that people call me are what I end up being called for being the way that I am so be it. If expecting everything to be more than just empty words makes me a monster then damn I'll be a f****** monster.

I might be a little mad right now because I've yet again been abandoned by somebody that I thought I was friends with and on perfectly good terms with. Feel a bit at a loss because I need people to be direct with me and everyone says that they can but then every single time people just slide out of my life without saying a goddamn word until it's too late. Like I can't do anything about that, all I can do is make my needs known.